-
Things are getting far too upbeat around here for my liking.
Desolation:
A balding man in ill-fitting suit eating a dessert in a deserted, cheap diner. His eyes briefly meet mine and I understand.
Desolation:
A
man just past his peak, wolfing down bad chips in a secluded alleyway
before shoving them in a bin and strutting back out into the public in
all his finery, but smelling of grease. I espied him down that alleway
and understood.
Desolation:
A young father, already aged
by 10 years trying to placate his bawling infant son on a crowded bus.
His hackles rise and he nearly snaps. A younger guy steps into the
breach, acting the fool, making the kid giggle and the passengers swoon.
I see the sweat stains filter through the tatty t-shirt and understand.
I am happy to observe desolation. It gives me great joy and warmth.
Desolation.
-
A clown vomiting into a recycling bin on the edge of a golf course.
An aborted foetus half eaten by gulls on a windswept Hemsby beach.
A balding man moving bits of his hair around instead of shaving it.
A Bulgarian peasant woman coughing into a well.
Three egrets choked in oil in a toddler's paddling pool.
A caretaker called Barney wanking in a bedsit.
A human shit coiled on a Neolithic barrow.
An unfinished egg sandwich of Gregg Wallace, with cheap fag buts and used condoms strewn on it.
A Gaelic piss bucket hoisted onto a pile of sick.
-
A human shit coiled on a Neolithic barrow.
That would just give future Time Team a hard on.
-
(http://www.aceshowbiz.com/images/wennpic/john-travolta-60th-san-sebastian-international-film-festival-04.jpg)
-
A man using a flattened roadkill hedgehog as an ice scraper on a bleak winter's morning.
-
A hawk with a cold.
-
Jimmy Savile mournfully browsing the used caravan dealership on an overcast day.
-
A penis shrivels at the prospect of imminent penetration.
-
http://www.rhylsuncentre.co.uk
-
A newsagent returns from a store cupboard to announce there are no more Scampi Fries.
Total compound desolation.
-
A lone woman reading Take-a-Break in the sheltered waiting room at
Bebington station, seemingly oblivious to the engineering works and rail
replacement bus service.
A thin dribble of dried piss running down the grey pavement, connecting an abandoned cardboard box with a broken tricyle.
An empty bottle of cheap vodka stuck in the reeds of a duckless pond, circles of rain forming nearby.
-
An elderly tramp stares silently into space, remembering a lost love of his youth.
-
An ageing smalltown Mod painstakingly attempts to coax what's left
of his thinning hair into a crude approximation of Paul Weller's look
circa-1981.
-
A single 30 year old virgin male is hit by a lorry delivering
condoms to the local chemist. A passer-by, desperate to keep him talking
and conscious, asks him if he has any children.
-
Dead eyed mother pours irn bru into babies bottle. Child accepts and
begins to drink. The eyes of the baby flicker with potential, briefly.
A
thin man walks his dog, smoking a roll up. The dog and the man barely
acknowledge each other. Every day its the same. Feed, walk, shit,
ignore,
The tattoed lady proudly tells the guy behind the counter
at the post office that she is going to Belfast for the marching season
and she has never been abroad. He still tries to sell her travel
insurance.
-
On a cold winter morning, butterfingered voyeur frantically searches slush puddle for his dropped thumbdrive of up-skirts.
-
- Eating a cheese and tomato baguette only to find the index finger of All About Eve's bass player.
- Having a wet dream about a Chinese man dressed as Belinda Lang circa 2.4 Children.
- Buying a cheap belt on Ebay only to find it was posted to you by Robin Williams widow.
-
http://www.rhylsuncentre.co.uk
Rhyl's Uncentre, indeed.
-
(http://assets.nydailynews.com/polopoly_fs/1.1545420.1386859211!/img/httpImage/image.jpg_gen/derivatives/landscape_635/article-helle3-1212.jpg)
Welcome to Tuesday.
-
Some absolute corkers here - mostly borne out of personal experience one would imagine, what with the distinct lack of hair.
But
the winner has to be: Welcome to Tuesday. You can imagine that posted
up on your office wall by Brent-a-like cunt of a boss before the morning
"clap ritual" and migration to the bog for the testosterone fuelled
shitting (that's just the office ladies). A young temp has a ladder in
her stockings, and Kevin is fixated...dreaming of ripping more than just
nylon.
-
At an ing, body parts are discovered strewn across the reeds hundreds of metres apart, belonging to the same heron.
-
An unemployed father-to-be compulsively playing The Sims late into
the night, arranging furniture and belongings around a luxurious house
for the benefit of his digital family, while his pregnant partner snores
next to him in their untidy bedsit, and the aubade behind the net
curtains adds another empty, jobless, day to his feudal overdraft.
-
^This isn't a blog.
-
An undergrown crow with undiagnosed cyclothymia, being left out of a
corvus-centric chat by three burly jackdaws in front of his
impressionable cousin Vince, on a rotting, massive sycamore. Near Derby.
-
I haven't felt so elated in years.
A bald lanky wit passes
another bald lanky wit on a street in Leeds. Wit 2 blanks wit 1,
thrusting wit 1 into a bout of self-recrimination, emergent tendencies
and forum posting.
-
A failed US rapper's ghost floats past an eerie end of terrace house
full of gits, too weighed down by his emcee shortcomings to haunt it
and them.
-
A kindly old couple sit silently in their living room both trying to
ignore the faint creaking noises coming from above. Deep down both of
them know that this is the sound of their 40-yr old son Martin
masturbating, but neither wants to admit it. They have no grandchildren.
-
A social worker walks to a meeting he knows he will be sacked at. A
bin van drives along the street upwind of him, perfectly keeping pace.
-
mook - elderly, decrepit and utterly alone - sits in an armchair in a
dimly-lit room. The TV set casts a pale, flickering glow into the room
but he doesn't see the picture. A thousand regrets parade through his
mind, but on top of them all, always at the forefront of his thoughts,
is one simple lament: "I was never sponged". A single tear rolls slowly
down one furrowed, sunken cheek.
-
mook
- elderly, decrepit and utterly alone - sits in an armchair in a
dimly-lit room. The TV set casts a pale, flickering glow into the room
but he doesn't see the picture. A thousand regrets parade through his
mind, but on top of them all, always at the forefront of his thoughts,
is one simple lament: "I was never sponged". A single tear rolls slowly
down one furrowed, sunken cheek.
(http://i423.photobucket.com/albums/pp317/mookbucket/sw1m_zps212f8b0a.jpg)
-
A battered wife sits on a sofa, tears of hatred burn her bruised
cheek. She is comforted by her assailant, she knows his words of concern
are temporary, but part of her believes him.
-
(http://i423.photobucket.com/albums/pp317/mookbucket/sw1m_zps212f8b0a.jpg)
That doesn't even make sense!
-
That doesn't even make sense!
so i missed a comma out.
you do know that i'm not taking the tablets don't you?
-
Jobstown county Dublin. Horses, unemployment. Desolation.
(http://img812.imageshack.us/img812/7969/69074430.jpg)
-
Is that the city centre?
-
Mayor... Des O'Lation
-
Is that the city centre?
That's the embassy.
-
so i missed a comma out.
you do know that i'm not taking the tablets don't you?
Sorry,
mookie - I must just be missing the point (it was a long and arduous
weekend and last night didn't help). If you're not taking the tablets
are you at least back on the brekkie Merlot?
-
no more merlot. EVER.
-
That makes me sad :-(
How about a lightly-chilled red Gamay?
-
stick it.
-
Steady on old son - just trying to be friendly. Are you really on the wagon for good, then?
-
Getting an email from the estate agent for your approval with a
schedule attached, and the schedule is for your childhood home. You'd
never seen it empty before, but the house-clearance people went round
last week. You're an only child and both your parents died within two
years. Goes on the market tomorrow, and you wonder if you're going to
have a breakdown over this.
If there's a thread for this, could somebody direct me?
-
Going through your former happily married now deceased dad's
personal belongings, you find a solitary magazine, homosexually
pornographic in nature.
-
An old VHS tape is found in a mouldy box at the back of the attic - the label reads "Infant Nigel"
Excited by rolling back the memories to ice-cream sunny days in the mid-80s, you drag out your VHS player and plug it in.
Glitchy, the tape starts to play. Ah, mother...*smiles*, father *pride*,...err...hang on...Fred West!!!!!!
Nigel found dead 3 weeks later by his sister. Hung himself in the attic...VHS tape littered around the floor. No suicide note.
-
A sickly pensioner takes the weekly trip to the store. Forgot what
fag brand she's smoked for all her life. Buys four packs of the wrong
kind. At home, exhausted, she remembers. Smokes them anyway, hates them.
Dies of cancer.
-
Going
through your former happily married now deceased dad's personal
belongings, you find a solitary magazine, homosexually pornographic in
nature.
*hand moves hesitantly to flies of trousers*
-
A man pissing in a beer bottle before handing it to a begging tramp.
-
One legged pigeon pecking at a fag end under a sick-caked seat at
Bradford bus station on a cold and grey Sunday morning. You see a
poster heralding Now Doubt’s latest comeback album - you notice the
corner is torn off, and then a squatting wincing man wiping his arse
with it. His liquid faeces is snaking down the pavement towards
you. You'd better move.
-
One
legged pigeon pecking at a fag end under a sick-caked seat at Bradford
bus station on a cold and grey Sunday morning. You see a poster
heralding Now Doubt’s latest comeback album - you notice the corner is
torn off, and then a squatting wincing man wiping his arse with
it. His liquid faeces is snaking down the pavement towards
you. You'd better move.
*skips joyously out of thread*
-
- A women's shelter closing due to budget cuts.
- A funeral attended by no one. Except you, but you sneak out before the priest spots you.
- A collection of children's dolls and teddy bears, all coloured in the crotch with a red Biro.
-
- A catalogued and alphabetised porn collection
-
An oblivious pensioner rides his mobility scooter through the aisles
of Morrisons, unaware that his leaky catheter bag is leaving a trail of
piss behind him like an electrified slug. A spotty 16-yr old employee
follows at a respectful distance with his mop and bucket.
-
- A man deliberately pissing on the floor in a public restroom, so
he can see the reflection of the bloke in the next cubicle wiping his
arse.
-
City boy's been out on a (tinder)date with a reasonably nice,
intelligent and attractive lady. After a few drinks they're walking back
to the station, they walk past a beggar, cup out, few loose coins in
it.
Chance to impress the lady, city boy pulls 300 quid out of his
wallet, fresh crisp notes. Propositions the poor sod with naught but
jangles in a used cafe nero cup. "I'm gonna toss a coin, if you win you
get the three hundred, but if I win I'll take the coins out of your
cup."
Of course old cider guts takes the gamble...loses. City boy takes the £1.37 out of the cup, it's mostly 5 and 10ps.
-
A man has a stroke at his daughter's wedding.
-
A gaunt young woman holds a baby as she sits on a bus travelling
through a northern city one wet midwinter's evening. She tries to wipe
away the condensation on the inside of the bus window.
-
People waiting at a bus stop outside a hospital.
-
An old man checks the timetable at a city centre bus station so that he can catch a bus home to an empty house.
-
A bus.
-
A bus lurches through traffic.
-
Another bus.
-
Bus.
-
An bus.
-
Feel genuinely low now after this bus stuff.
-
Feel genuinely low now after this bus stuff.
here you go.
(http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/en/3/3b/Double-Decker-Wrapper-Small.jpg)
have a biscuit, or whatever the fuck they are.
-
Former bullying victim struggling with anxiety and depression confronts former bully in the shops.
- "Hope you sleep well at night"
- "Who are you?"
-
One
legged pigeon pecking at a fag end under a sick-caked seat at Bradford
bus station on a cold and grey Sunday morning. You see a poster
heralding Now Doubt’s latest comeback album - you notice the corner is
torn off, and then a squatting wincing man wiping his arse with
it. His liquid faeces is snaking down the pavement towards
you. You'd better move.
>Use PIGEON on FAECES
-
An old man checks the timetable at a city centre bus station so that he can catch a bus home to an empty house.
A new winner. A touch of Ligotti there. Fantastic. Karma this guy up please
-
An old man does a massive shop at Lidl that takes 3 hours to
complete as he needs loads of toilet roll for his invalid and dying
wife.
...realises he's left his wallet at home.
...dies at checkout.
...Lidl deliver a solitary toilet roll to widow as a gesture of kindness.
-
A man sits in a basement carefully drawing a face on an egg with a
permanent marker. "I've messed up the nose, I'll have to start over."
-
A weather forecaster announces that the pollen count for Norfolk and the East Midlands this week is 'Medium'.
-
A 60 year old geography teacher walks home from work extra slowly,
hoping it'll rain a bit so him bringing an umbrella today wouldn't be in
vain.
-
A frail Terry Waite sits alone in his drawing room listening to a
group of drunk youth hurl homophobic insults at him from outside, he
looks longingly at the radiator.
-
An elderly widow, almost insane with loneliness, attempts to strike
up a conversation with a young mum and her toddler on a bus. The child
tells her that she smells and starts crying. The mother calls her an old
cow and alights at the next stop despite it not being hers. The widow
takes her own life that night with an assortment of pills leftover from
her late husbands ineffective cancer treatment that she couldn't bring
herself to throw away.
-
A kestrel mistakenly hunts a chip fork.
-
Four English students careen down a busy pedestrian precinct on the
first bank holiday of the year. One pisses, one exposes himself and the
other two pretend to bugger each other.
It is 13:25.
-
A malnourished dog in Skegness is taking a shit on a bleached and ragged copy of ZOO.
-
An unemployed man is eating bread with pepper on for dinner.
-
A scottish prostitute votes NO because she's afraid of losing her pension.
-
Cleaning blood off a pair of Mary Janes.
-
Beating yourself over the head after you discover your collection of children's karate kits has been disturbed.
-
An 8 year old boy compliments his class sweetheart on her "smashing tits"
-
A one-eyed badger watches a gang of truanting schoolkids inhaling
the propellent from a can of Lynx Africa in a flooded underpass.
Also, the badger has impetigo.
-
A pensioner pisses himself when he can't find the exit in a shopping centre.
-
A normally effusive dog treats a postal worker with total
indifference. The owner gives a thin apologetic smile. Nothing has gone
right today.
-
3am. Streetlight in the window. Nothing to be up for in the morning.
A man opens his phone's contact list and selects the only number,
'Babestation'.
-
It's the last day of school before the summer, a single dad smiles
at the single mum he's fancied for the last 4 years, she smiles
back...her eyes holding his gaze...imploring him...he does nothing.
-
Her young daughter having left for university a mum starts stripping
the now redundant bed, pulling back the sheets she notices a 6 inch
butt plug and a string of anal beads, neither have been cleaned after
use.
-
Upon visiting her young daughter at university a mum starts doing
the usual "If you keep it tidy it will stay tidy" routine before
launching herself into picking up sticky knickers and fag butts off the
floor when she notices a used home pregnancy testing kit sitting upon an
appointment letter for a termination, it has tomorrows date on it
-
Feeling lonely Jimmy signs up to youngslutswantoldfatcocks.com, as
he scrolls down the list of potential new sex partners his eye is drawn
to one in particular, it's not the boobs or legs akimbo pose that has
caught his attention it's the fact he recognises the bedding and
wallpaper in the background are the same as his young daughter's.
-
The anonymous originator of the word "fap" sits quietly on the
periphery of a group of new co-workers, desperately thinking of a way to
steer the conversation toward someone using the word so that he can
claim credit and, he thinks, impress them.
-
Oh Jesus christ...some of the best laughs I've had all year...the last page is scorchingly bleak.
-
An ageing clown is beaten to within an inch of his life after sorely disappointing a party of modern children.
-
A divorced and balding man flips through a leaflet for a local Hair
Loss Treatment centre. He jots the number down and plans to call, then
wonders whether he would have bothered if he were still married.
-
A single mother has given up on dating. She hasn't the time nor the
energy yet, at the behest of her persistent and ever-optimistic best
friend, she wilts. The blind date goes surprisingly well and in an
uncharacteristic moment of spontaneity, she invites the man home. They
have sex but her mind is elsewhere, disturbed by the man's behaviour
towards her cat. It had come to him meowing and he'd kicked it away.
"Sorry - I don't like cats," he'd said, before tenderly caressing her
cheek and planting a kiss.
He leaves in the morning and they agree to meet again. He is not present when the cat scratches her son.
-
A butterfly landed beside me on the footpath while I waited for the
bus to work. I think it was a Red Admiral. It just stopped moving. It
died right in front of me.
-
A recently separated woman sits alone in Pizza Express wearing a
party hat. Her best friend, an hour late for her birthday lunch, is in a
cheap hotel fucking the birthday girl's husband.
-
A slightly overweight, middle aged man is left unpicked by both team
captains at a Match.com summer game of rounders in the park.
-
A terrified girl runs through the woods. She's just seen everyone
she knows take a pummeling up the gareth from a horde of clowns that
appeared from the sky.
-
An ageing, balding, overweight man sits down at his computer still
running Windows NT (the year is 2013). He spends 5 hours writing the
most heart-rending, beautiful soliloquy on the subject of loneliness. He
logs into a comedy forum dedicated to his hero Christopher Morris and
starts a new thread "My phoenix-like release from desolation". He is
about to hit send - a smile finally emerging across his lips after 15
years of depression
(http://www.computerhope.com/jargon/b/bsod.gif)
he presses a key
(http://www.sqa.org.uk/e-learning/HardOSSupp02CD/images/pic012.gif)
-
Oh Jesus christ...some of the best laughs I've had all year...the last page is scorchingly bleak.
if this were twitter the owner of the account would be monitising this by producing a book.
Hang on! why don't WE (by which I mean YOU) do that?
-
if this were twitter the owner of the account would be monitising this by producing a book.
Hang on! why don't WE (by which I mean YOU) do that?
It will be "my" entry into the CaB christmas annual
-
honest it would make a great book, have a photo for each entry on a single page, I can picture it now.
-
A recent widower goes to the restaurant he and his deceased wife
went to as a tradition on their wedding day. He orders what they always
ordered. They'd been married for 56 years. They get the order slightly
wrong. He can't bring himself to send it back.
-
He feels a twinge of bitterness on his sister's wedding day. For a
moment, he contemplates telling her the truth about her childhood dog.
That it hadn't run away - that their father had accidentally driven over
it while it slept and that father and son had briefly locked eyes as
father guiltily placed the thing in his car boot and drove away.
-
A single bald man in his early 40's looks up a lonely hearts column
in the paper and via text organises to meet a mystery lady in his local
pub. As he sits at the table and wears the signifying white rose, a
short man enters and immediately throws him a funny look. The short man
states the bald man's name in a confused manner. The bald man had booked
a date through the wrong column.
The short man angrily and
loudly accuses the bald man of deception and before leaving, punches him
in the face. The bald man, rubbing his ringing ear, quickly exits the
pub in front of the prying eyes of the regulars.
The bald man phones the lonely hearts column to place an ad in the correct column. His account has been blocked.
-
Middle-aged divorcee Val sprained her ankle last week but she won't
he deterred, single's night down the Dog & Duck is a fortnightly
ritual for her. She wears one stiletto on her good leg and a cast around
her other foot as she hobbles down the road, her toes peek out from the
cast, they're painted green.
Her leather trousers squeak like a
new sofa, her home-perm blowing in the breeze, younger men laugh at her
as they walk into town but she doesn't notice. She pushes back her
thick glasses as she enters the pub - tonight's the night....
-
June from Guildford, now 79, opens the front door in her Boux Avenue
lingerie and says 'I've missed you so much. Are they for me?'.
-
Chris Kavanagh, 50, sits on the dock by a disused ship builders,
this morning's speedball hit all but gone from his system, the stench of
the putrid sea and rust fills his nostrils, his arse wet from sitting
on the sodden earth, he thinks back to his time as one of the drummers
in Sigue Sigue Sputnik and wonders if he could get the band back
together.
-
Lenny Kravitz releases his latest album. He calls it Strut. He says
that the sound of the album is "grit 'n' glamour" because "it's rock,
but there's polish to it."
-
As a lonely man listlessly leafs through 'Take-A-Break' magazine in
the waiting room, he spots a picture of himself taken from a distance.
The caption reads: 'foul pervert Bob'.
-
A man thinking he's alone in a train carriage farting loudly.
-
An ageing paedophile heroically saves a young boys life after he
falls into the path of an articulated lorry. The paedophile flings the
boy to safety but dislocates his shoulder and breaks both legs in the
process.
After several weeks in hospital, he returns home to be
surprised by a mass of well-wishers and TV crews outside his house.
Nicholas Witchell doorsteps him and the crowd push into his living room
to see the great man interviewed.
Ron had forgotten to put away his collection before leaving the house on the day of the accident.
-
Two tramps whisper to each other, a decision made, one walks away.
The other looks shiftily around before moving a cardboard box to reveal a
dead pigeon. He quickly puts it in a well used carrier bag. He walks
away confident that no one has seen.
-
Looking through the letterbox the aroused teenager spies the prone
frame of Linda, a pretty twentysomething who has endured a lifetime of
sexual abuse. She is naked and comatosed on valium. He kicks the door,
it gives way easily as it has been kicked in each night this week. He
and 3 others rape her where she lies. She wakes the next day unaware of
what happened.
-
^Keep it light.
Lunching at McDonalds, a young man with a
socialisation phobia fears the many faces seated and eating could
harbour peers from a past not forgotten. To avoid unbearable awkwardness
and red hot blushing, he hides himself in a toilet cubicle to enjoy his
lunch. He feasts on the plastic cheeseburger while others make hideous
bowel noises within earshot. The scent of old urine accompanies his
terrible low. He is sure many toilet lunches stretch into the
future. Can he foresee a lunch outwith the lavatory?
-
A precise minded aeronautic engineer notices a misplaced apostrophe on the tombstone of his as yet unconceived infant.
-
Clicking through adultwork.com one day, Barry Sanguine, 48, happens
upon the profile of his ex-wife and is horrified to find she lists
bareback as a service. "She never let me do that", he thought, then it
dawned on him this was for his own protection, he picks up his phone to
make a booking.
-
A middle-aged man in a cheap suit and nylon shirt and tie buys a
round in the pub after work; everyone's his friend for the ten minutes
it takes for the drinks to be drunk. He flirts with the gorgeous
20-something barmaid who dutifully laughs at his jokes and smiles at him
when she sees him staring at her. "Still got it", he thinks as he gets
another round in for his "friends". By 21:00 they are all gone, either
home to their partners or on to another bar they haven't told him about.
He has one for the road and sets off home to his flat; it's two bedroom
but he knows, deep down, that not only will he never need the second
bedroom but buying a double bed for the first was pretty pointless. He
picks up a kebab on the way and sits down in front of the telly to eat.
He thinks back to the barmaid and decides to get the Scotch out. He will
awake at 06:15, still in his cheap suit on the sofa, finish the Scotch
left in the glass when he passed out at midnight, shower, change his
shirt but re-use the same socks and pants because he never, ever
remembers to do the dark wash.
He never cries, though - he has his mates in the pub and the barmaid in his dreams.
-
(http://members.tripod.com/sweeps_friend/Little__Large.jpg)
-
Clicking
through adultwork.com one day, Barry Sanguine, 48, happens upon the
profile of his ex-wife and is horrified to find she lists bareback as a
service. "She never let me do that", he thought, then it dawned on him
this was for his own protection, he picks up his phone to make a
booking.
Oh, that is a riser...just gets better and better
-
Dave, an underachiever his entire life is diagnosed with a terminal
illness. He decides to finally put his mind to something constructive,
something to be proud of and to show the world.
He spends his
final few weeks generating the most astounding work of computer art ever
seen. Ferreting away with various Adobe tools and melding them expertly
with beautiful photographs he has taken in the nature surrounding his
house. It truly is a glorious effort.
The final day, Dave is
weak, almost gone. He loads the completed image into a file sharing site
and deletes the original from the hard drive.
Fingers trembling,
his breath shallow he logs into his favourite forum, a forum that will
give a platform to this majesty, hist first achievement of any note.
They will remember me forever, he thinks.
His final act is to click "post"
(http://members.tripod.com/sweeps_friend/Little__Large.jpg)
That is the final image he sees as he keels over and lands stone cold dead on the cat litter.
-
A man chooses Maplin to shop for his electronics needs.
-
A man chooses Maplin to shop for his electronics needs.
Fuck you!!
-
It is 2000. For his birthday, a terminally ill mother buys her
teenage son a videogame she remembers him talking about months ago but
that he doesn't seem to own. She only has a week to live. It is Daikatana.
-
A man tells his wife that his fantasy is to speak on the phone
whilst receiving a blowjob. As she is going to work down there one day,
his phone starts to ring. As he receives the news that his father has
just died he is unable to stop himself ejaculating.
-
A man eats a shit sandwich for ALS.
-
It
is 2000. For his birthday, a terminally ill mother buys her teenage son
a videogame she remembers him talking about months ago but that he
doesn't seem to own.
The petulant son throws the game in her face - "it's shit, a game for babies!!! I hate you" he squalls.
She dies.
-
Driving to the pay window of the MacDonald's drive through he hopes
she's a looker, handing over the grubby £5 note her soft warm fingers
brush against his, he is content, he has touched a person today.
-
A Man hired a prostitute to come to his hotel room – and answered the door to his own daughter
Desolation.
-
I sit in McDonalds eating a half cold and partially congealed double
cheeseburger while deliberating whether it is even worth finishing. As I
sit there I stare at a couple of obvious junkies who are communing in
that way they do. The female clears her throat and spits it into an
empty regular fries packet. I immediately stop eating and leave in
disgust.
-
The founder and sole member of the Len Fairclough appreciation
society buys out of date pickled onion flavour Space Raiders from a car
boot sale in Rhyl. There is light drizzle on the third day of his
singles holiday.
-
A street map that the council attached to a wall outside a small and
neglected train station in 2000 hangs superceded and forgotten. The
metal frame has buckled and rusted. The clear plastic laminate is
yellowed with weathering and peppered with marker tags. The map itself
now a sun faded pale blue wash where once bold primary colours
confidently jumped out. Ernest and Florence, visiting, used it to find
their way to the park in the summer of 2001. It's never been used for
its intended purpose since and the couple are now dead.
-
You enter a trainstation lift.
-
A man sets UK Border Force to record, remembers he's going to kill himself tomorrow, and takes it back off.
-
Steven rolls the dice in anticipation. A 6 and a 1.
Torquay United 6 - 1 Macclesfield Town, he jots down in his wallpaper covered notebook.
Another roll. Two 5's.
Bristol Rovers 5 - 5 Darlington
A 3 and a 2...he curses...rolls again...two 2's...again 1 and a 4
Oxford United 1 - 4 Tranmere Rovers
A smile spreads across his face. Top of the league!
-
A man in his late 30's finds the Millennium falcon replica toy wrapped in festive paper in his parents loft.
"Happy Christmas, son", the tag reads.
-
A newborn calf nibbles gingerly at a discarded burger.
-
A fat girl trying all the camera tricks in the world to get a match on Tinder. Gets no matches.
-
Wedding day. Bride thinks back to her first love. Her only love, she realises. She continues down the aisle.
-
A man masturbates to beach photos of his ex-girlfriend, covering her new boyfriend with his hand.
-
A mustachioed porn producer argues with his aging starlet that
bringing her young son on set as she couldn't find a babysitter in time
was totally irresponsible.
-
Wedding
day. Bride thinks back to her first love. Her only love, she realises.
She continues down the aisle, and there at the alter is her dad in a
fucking robot contraption just waiting to steel all the attention. the
fucker.
désolé.
-
Real life one tonight
Ragged mid-30s Geordie girl screaming
at her boyfriend as she procrastinates about getting off the bus with an
ancient looking wheelchair. I try and squeeze past the arguing couple
and she shouts "that's just fucking ignorant". Boyfriend says "well you
are taking fucking ages to get off the bus". She then replies "Well I'm
cunting disabled aren't I...PUSH ME!" as she pushes the empty wheelchair
into the road.
-
Frank Bruno
-
A first year doctor is suspended after carrying out a PR on the
wrong vegetable on the bariatric ward, when he bursts a blood vessel up
the patient's jacksie. At home, his mother titters and goes back to her
Screwfix catalogue.
-
Real life one tonight
Ragged
mid-30s Geordie girl screaming at her boyfriend as she procrastinates
about getting off the bus with an ancient looking wheelchair. I try and
squeeze past the arguing couple and she shouts "that's just fucking
ignorant". Boyfriend says "well you are taking fucking ages to get off
the bus". She then replies "Well I'm cunting disabled aren't I...PUSH
ME!" as she pushes the empty wheelchair into the road.
Bus involved, ergo desolate.
-
Frank Bruno on a bus.
-
Frank Bruno driving a bus...ashen.
Chris Eubank upstairs...silent.
-
True Bus Story
My
uncle photographs and catalogues buses. He went on holiday to Malta to
photograph the rare and splendid buses there. The holiday was secondary.
Everything is secondary, to the buses.
Desolation only to the outsider, to him it is no doubt on par with religious ecstasy.
THE ECSTASY OF DIESEL.
-
Frank Bruno driving a bus...ashen.
Chris Eubank upstairs...silent.
Alan Minter, upstairs in the front seat, pretending to be the driver.
-
http://www.thepowerof10.info/athletes/profile.aspx?athleteid=412
The aborted and mediocre athletics career of middle distance runner Bradley Donkin.
-
Dropped your Rustlers. Pick it up. Blow on it. I'm sure it's fine.
-
It was a runny one. Look over. No toilet paper.
Take out wallet. Picture of her. I suppose it doesn't matter
now.
-
Dominic Littlewood, Matt Baker and Alex Jones discussing bus passes
on a mocked up double decker bus, whilst Claudia Winkleman, Tess Daly,
Paul Merton and six pensioners look on.
-
/ignore (this is the best ever thread on c&b please never stop i bessech you, i am drunk but don't let that detract you)
-
Charlie from Casualty stares at his CV, scratching his temple. This
would be much easier on a computer. He shivers, suddenly remembering
that he had meant to top up the gas card. He watched UK Gold instead.
-
Check the Desolation thread, hoping your entry has been seen and
enjoyed. -1 Karm. Why? You're not fucking funny,
cunt. You've always known.
-
Check
the Desolation thread, hoping your entry has been seen and
enjoyed. -1 Karm. Why? You're not fucking funny,
cunt. You've always known.
Check
again. It's at +6 now. Nice self-esteem boost. Do a little
self-congratulatory chuckle. Go to "who changed my karma". It was just
one person, they clicked too many times because the page wasn't loading.
Feel weirdly ashamed.
-
It is 7am, a booze breathed man, red eyed and shameless, picks up a
bottle of Tesco Value vodka and shuffles towards the checkout. A moment
of clarity washes over him as he catches sight of himself in the chrome
of an aisle fixture. He sighs and picks up a pack of cornflakes in an
attempt to camouflage his habit. He smiles weakly at the cashier,
gesturing towards the vodka he says, "im having friends over tonight, so
i really need a good breakfast to see me through", pointing at the
cornflakes. She smiles back, weaker still. He leaves the shop and idly
places the unwanted cereal in the nearest bin. He now has all the
breakfast he needs.
-
Queueing outside an off license at 8 in the morning on a Tuesday.
-
A man lies on his sofa, watching You've Been Framed. His
ex-girlfriend's favourite song plays over fuzzy camcorder footage of
animals doing vaguely amusing things. He cries. Canned laughter.
Harry Hill.
-
Meg Ryan's face is under repair. A scaffold surrounds her upper lip,
and on it is the fascia of the contractors. A builder on his break
smokes and reads the Financial Times.
-
Check
the Desolation thread, hoping your entry has been seen and
enjoyed. -1 Karm. Why? You're not fucking funny,
cunt. You've always known.
Nah...it
was because you negged the OP then decided to post in
here...anyway...you are a funny bastard, so don't take it personally.
-
Queueing outside an off license at 8 in the morning on a Tuesday.
Glasgow karaoke in Merchant City at 8am in dim lit pub.
-
Nah...it
was because you negged the OP then decided to post in
here...anyway...you are a funny bastard, so don't take it personally.
Fucking hell, I did.
Genuinely no idea why. I've been giggling at this thread all day.
Sorry!
-
Teenage boy wanking in his bedroom. Bang on window. Sees shadows disappear in distance. Finishes off and goes outside.
Tin of Heinz baked beans on the grass.
-
A man leaves the boot door of his car open before setting off and loses every episode of Coffee Friends he was hoping to watch.
-
Stanley Bates (TV's Bungle) is arrested for child molestation whilst
doing a voiceover for a stairlift insurance company, in 2003.
Unreported.
-
A pale, thin, unattractive man in his late 30's is walking home from
another unrewarding and soul sucking day at work on a late autumn
afternoon.
He's an introverted sort with no real close friends to
speak of and certainly no romance life to speak of aside from the
idealistic one that exists in his wildest desires that are nullified by
the crippling loneliness and knowledge of his lowly station in life,
something that he is by now oddly comfortable with. After have to
befriend your demons after a lifetime.
He walks with a blank
expression on his pale slab of a head, slouched as usual, he walks down a
hill towards the high rise flats. The sun is getting lower and at the
time of year it's light seems to be stronger and you can feel it on the
eyes. He puts his hand up to abate the glares affects on his eyes, after
he gets to a point where the sun is sufficiently blocked by one of the
flats, he notices something floating in the sky and it's gradually
getting lower.
It's a balloon. Upon seeing this, it triggers
something, seemingly completely at random. Seeing this graceful object
delicately and carelessly dancing through the oppressive concrete
monoliths, he is suddenly reminded of happier days of his youth, back
when cares were less and the innocence of childhood wonder and optimism
coursed through his veins and before the leech of life sucked all that
was once good out of his withered body. Oh how he longed for those days.
He
keeps his attention focused on this thread of purity that hangs on the
sky. He observes that he's getting closer to it as it makes it's decent
and in fact as fate had it in store, merely a minute later the balloon
makes its land and it's not a foot from our man! He walks over to get a
good look at this balloon that has been giving him a respite from his
toil. He sees that the balloon a helium one, pink, in the shape of a
heart and it has 'I love you.' written across it seemingly by hand.
Could it be no coincidence that this balloon landed so closely to hi?
How? Who? So many questions. Upon closer inspection he sees there is a
card attached to the balloons strings.
He opens it up and finds a folded up piece of paper.
He unfolds it to see...
(http://s13.postimg.org/kcl4amjon/155013877_mcbigdick_jpg.jpg)
-
Jan Vertonghen muscles in and wins the ball from a thinning Peter
Crouch; the game is 0-0 and though it is a Tuesday night, the rain had
other plans. 'Verts' spots Andros Townsend on the opposite wing
shuffling nervously like a crab at her first disco. His disinterest is
palpable as he wafts his ball towards 'Aza' which plumps into Row Stink.
The White Hart Lane Mutter briefly becomes the White Hart Lane Aaaw.
The
Indonesian branch of the Bill/ Nick fan club, bathed in mediocre Sky
flicker, don't take the hint and applaud as Harry Kane is seen warming
up. A dog is run over outside.
-
This.
-
I love this thread, Blodwyn and fellow contributors. Long may it desolate.
-
A man walks into a branch of Next and asks for the time. The sales
assistant checks his watch, and tells him the time is 12:45. The man
breaks down in tears and thanks the assistant for his kindness.
-
A man unknowingly has the final wank of his life and it isn't even that good.
-
The frozen corpse of an elderly man is removed from the platform of a long disused rural train station in Dumbartonshire.
-
Britain's Funniest CCTV Clips shows a 1 minute video of an
overweight, balding man wearing his wife's lingerie and wanking
furiously, after a crow has caused the CCTV camera to pivot towards his
bedroom window.
-
My grandad stirring ketchup into a pan of Smash. Puts a dollop in a bowl and gives it to my dad. What's this, he asks.
Pink Panther.
-
All other glassware long since broken, Paul 'Gazza' Gascoigne sups
Kestrel Super Strength from a pair of plastic tits. It's 10am.
-
Geoff falls into a 8 week period of gloom after missing the repeat of Capstick's Capers because of illness.
-
Brian, an avid darts fan, is blanked by Raymond Barneveld on a Nordic walking weekend in Shropshire.
-
A bank manager with dried semen on his tie. Notices, loudly exclaims
it's just tooth paste to no one in particular. Everyone knows it's not.
Everyone.
-
You're watching the Rice Crispies Super Hero advert. Your parents
tell you to stop because you're going into town and switch the TV off.
Snap, Crackle and Pop go back to being elves after that.
-
Petra sits in a bath full of warmish water without any bubble bath
in it- life has taught her that she deserves to be clean but not
fragrant. The bubble-less water lends her an unfettered view of a new
wart, and as she reads the back of a bottle of Toilet Ninja, she makes a
mental note to check the drop in clinic times.
-
Benefits Angie watching late night cable. Interrupted by incessant
cats fighting. "Fookin' cats!" she yells, fag ash falling on the bed.
For the next day and night the cats never shut up.
Finally, they stop. Ange comatose on the floor, vodka bottles strewn about.
Infant daughter dead in cot next door.
-
A man in his twenties stands in front of Lime Street station at
dawn, waiting for it to open while taking a blurry mobile phone photo of
St George's Hall. An older man who resembles a tramp ambles up to him.
"Do you wanna buy some coke, mate?" he asks. "No thanks." Both men walk
off in different directions, the younger one breaking into a run[1].
-
A man fails his bus driver's test. He gets on a bus to go home and sits on a moist piece of chewing gum.
-
A man fails his bus driver's test. He gets on a bus to go home and sits on a moist piece of chewing gum.
think you finally nailed the bus thing mate, took us up the merry path but it were worth it
-
A man wakes on christmas morning to a card reading MERRY CHRISTMAS YOU PAKI
-
The alarm clock clangs a deafening warning. It's 7am on a Monday
morning. The rain beats angry against the window like a violent mob. It
is dark. Awake already after another sleepless night of tears and
terror, Graham fumbles to silence the screaming of the clock. He looks
at his outreached arm as if seeing it for the first time. His hand seems
to glow pale in the darkness, it is cold and it trembles like a sickly
reptile. The second the alarm ceases Graham's mother's voice screams
from downstairs, a voice that makes the alarm clock seem positively
maternal.
"Graham! Get up or you'll be late for school again!"
"I
don't want to go, mum," pleads Graham in a barely audible whisper,
burying his face in the damp pillow, eyes screwed tight against the day.
"Give me two good reasons why you should stay home"
the shrew hisses in a vaguely Americanised way that makes her sound
like she's looked up the dialogue of the joke on the internet because
she couldn't remember how it went.
"Firstly - All the kids hate
me. And… and - I can't go on…" he pauses as he tries to control his
breathing which is coming in gulps as though he's drowning on dry land
like a fucked fish, "I'll go on... And… secondly… all the teachers hate
me, too," he manages to blurt, his voice wracked with hysterical sobbing
and despair.
"I don't care you ginger queer cunt spastic. Fuck
off out of my house before I burn you out," she spits. The unmistakeable
click and spring of a Zippo lid flipping followed by an ominous
'fffffffft' noise can be heard. The scent of lighter fuel wafts into the
room.
Graham is the youngest deputy headmaster in the history of
his school. And he's not even ginger. He sighs. Oh well. Hopefully
there'll be a bomb scare today.
-
Elvis Presley sighed, lifted his left buttock and brutalised his
sofa. His hankering for the outside world had grown feverish but The
Colonel had kept him under strict house arrest following "the bitter
shandies incident" which had seen him take his fast food obsession on a
trip to answer a job advertisement at a distant chip shop, almost
inevitably catching the attention of that "Goddamned fame hung'y twot",
Kirsty Maccoll. The King might have lost all his hair following his many
years of wearing a too-tight baseball cap and his voice may have
crumbled into a rough Preston scrawl, but his lip could still curl that
sultry sneer as he remembered how Mr Parker had used extensive gun
running connections in Mexico to "see to that muffukn hoor", despite it
being a complete botch job.
The King relied on his mentor to keep
yet another incident quiet as he had for so many years for his other
great find, Jimmy Saville.
But Elvis was restless to get back out there.
"Hey
Mr Parker," his now faded but once magnificent vocal appropriation of
what a black man might sound like beckoned "Did you call the ITV2
channel about the Second Coming come back special? I think I've got one
more show in me!" he lied.
"...Colonel...? Colonel, see you
can't keep puttn it off. I've one more show then that's me done. Well?
Alright. Ignore it. You sit there I'm going for a shit," he stood and
shuffled to the door turning once more to see his stock still manager
sat there. He thought about asking him whether he wanted anything but
the colonel had never understood northern humor. They had drifted apart.
-
Hours have passed in a haze of confusion since she woke up in the
hall, naked, again. Linda has agreed to let her boyfriend/chief abuser,
Man McGinn, take their 5 year old daughter into town. She doesnt ask
why, she will be glad of the respite. On the bus the child laughs, sways
and frolics as it lurches its way towards town. The innocent joy
awakens an unfocussed hatred inside McGinn.
"Sit on yer cunt" he spits
The child does as she is told, sits down and wonders where they are going.
-
An obese woman buys an extra large fish supper. She knows she cant
stop, she knows her addiction will eventually kill her. She asks for
extra salt.
-
A voucher entitling the bearer to 50p off a pint of Peroni elapses.
-
A trainee priest focuses intently on the globules of rising wax in
his lava lamp, he so wants to keep his remaining testicle, he finishes
his letter to the local newspaper. That traffic congestion is such a
hindrance to the homing instinct of the common toad.
-
It's 19:55 on Christmas Eve, and the Dial-A-Bus leaves any minute. A
gleeful GAME employee whisks a bamboozled grandmother towards the XBOX
One section of his branch, as his manager impishly rubs his hands
together. They've hit the jackpot.
-
Two tramps argue about who gets to sleep under the roof, shielding
the lucky one from a hissing downpour. Someone leans out a window, tells
them to keep the fucking racket down, as they've got work in the
morning.
-
"Journalists are scum. Fucking scum." his mother gasps,
hoarse, drained, hairless. Hugo leaves, red-faced. Bus is
delayed from the hospital. He's late for work at the
newspaper. Boss calls him into his office. "We appreciate
the circumstances, but..."
Hugo's phone rings. She's
gone. Fucking scum. Last tenner. Obituary. Runs
next day. Misprint. Calls her Hleen.
-
A pakistani man wakes on christmas morning to a card reading MERRY CHRISTMAS YOU HONKEY
-
Father walks into his dead son's bedroom. Starts to
weep. Picks up the teddy he gave him for his second
birthday. A small incision in the backside. Full of
vaseline.
-
Man walks up to counter at Burger King. Employee smiles in recognition.
-
An unemployed loner slips and falls in his bedroom and is instantly
paralyzed such that he cannot even cry out. Nobody will find him until
it's far too late. As he wakes back into consciousness he hears the
doorbell ring through the paper-thin ceiling. The upstairs neighbor's
Craigslist dominatrix has arrived.
-
Desperate for a shit, you burst into a public restroom - the
previous occupant took his bloody time. Trousers down, pants down, you
let go. Instant splashback. Massive splashback. You realise you never
heard him flush.
-
Local news headline: Man slips in the rain.
-
He knew, always had done, but he could ignore it, don't think about
it, convince himself that when they were together it was real, genuine,
but deep down right from the start it had always been a sort of unspoken
thing, only it was getting harder and harder to keep lying to himself.
-
A closeted pensioner quietly rummages through the junk drawer for
something the same shape and size as the sextoy he's too ashamed to buy.
His wife watches X-Factor in the next room. He eyes the handle of a lint roller.
-
David only sees his young son on weekends. He's disappointed that
the boy now follows his stepfather's Arsenal, rather than David's
beloved Liverpool. In an effort to sway him, David buys some tickets for
a sold-out game at Anfield from a scalper. Only too late does he
discover that both tickets are "Concession". As the two stand in line
outside the ground, David hopes he isn't turned away.
-
A
man in his twenties stands in front of Lime Street station at dawn,
waiting for it to open while taking a blurry mobile phone photo of St
George's Hall. An older man who resembles a tramp ambles up to him. "Do
you wanna buy some coke, mate?" he asks. "No thanks." Both men walk off
in different directions, the younger one breaking into a run[1].
Christ. I thought it was going to be me.
-
A man feeling that he was about to relapse into sex cam show
addiction, decides to masturbate before he can recall his credit card
details, in what is, a race against time.
-
A drunken man saunters 'round the old folks home, decorating the
elderly with festive hats. The hats have bawdy slogans on them - "Cum
Dumpster" is one, "Fuck Neck" another. A millionaire films the event and
uploads it to Youtube during the holiday season, to bring Christmas joy
to his fans.
-
After a night out on the town Kevin discovers later on Facebook that all the photos were taken when he was in the toilet.
-
A woman from Merthyr Tydfil gives birth to a baby boy, and names him Gary.
-
Another woman finds a single baked bean in a tub of butter, on the day of her ex-husbands birthday.
-
A dreamer turns up for work at a call centre.
-
An unemployed former steelworker does an IT course at a local library.
-
A swan with a broken neck staggers around an expensive pay-and-display car park.
A recently divorced butcher stops washing his apron.
A man lies about staying late at work to avoid coming home to help his wife look after their disabled child.
-
(https://pbs.twimg.com/media/Bx1pf9aCQAAaq08.jpg)
-
(https://pbs.twimg.com/media/Bx1pf9aCQAAaq08.jpg)
We have a winner....
-
An elderly woman buys a copy of Jumanji for 12 quid for her 33 year old son...and Robbie Williams' Greatest Hits.
He died in a road traffic accident in 2011.
-
The Finance Director of a FTSE250 business worries that he won't be
able to pay his children's school fees, maintain his holiday apartment
in the Algarve and buy his children houses near their future
universities. With a trembling hand he dials the number for the
Telegraph newsdesk.
-
A couple accidentally kill their infant daughter on holiday.
Go for tapas.
-
- 7pm, An old man sits in a grubby ground floor flat watching
ITV, his emaciated frame shrouded in a extra large Run DMC T-shirt. He
looks up from his bowl of coco pops and sees you staring in at him.
-
6am, Lochend Road South, a doomed middle aged man on his way to work
pukes through a privet hedge, a grotesquely oversized seagull looks on
hungrily.
-
An old man sits... watching ITV
Urgh! For God's sake keep it light!
-
Urgh! For God's sake keep it light!
An old man sits...watching the news bunny and topless darts on LIVE TV.
The year is 2014 and the shows were recorded on VHS tape.
The old man has not left the room since 1997.
-
An elderly woman buys a copy of Jumanji for 12 quid for her 33 year old son...and Robbie Williams' Greatest Hits.
He died in a road traffic accident in 2011.
oh, god
-
And as if by Madhair magic (still my fave comic strip):
http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v280/madhair60/toodrunktoteach.jpg
-
madhair, fancy a collab for the Christmas annual?
I compile the best and worst of this thread and you do a little image for each one
-
An old man sits...watching the news bunny and topless darts on LIVE TV.
The year is 2014 and the shows were recorded on VHS tape.
The old man has not left the room since 1997.
Man all this depressing TV stuff is killing my buzz.
I'm
quitting the thread, at least until I think of another traumatic
experience of a friend or loved one to shamelessly mine for the slim
chance of karma.
-
A jaded carer gets sexually aroused when a teenage girl with cerbal palsy has a fit, exposing her left breast.
-
madhair, fancy a collab for the Christmas annual?
I compile the best and worst of this thread and you do a little image for each one
Absolutely on board with that.
-
A 22 year old student hands a homemade flyer to the professor she
admires and strives to be. She's organised a rally, protesting the staff
cuts.
She's going to fight to save her unknowing mentor's job.
He takes the flyer and accepts her efforts with warm words.
Elated,
she leaves, unaware that Mr Bronson wasn't listening to a thing she
said, but was only nodding his head in an over-enthusiastic manner so he
could look down her cleavage.
The flyer remains crumpled his trouser pocket before tearing up in the washing cycle the following week.
-
A 38-year-old man inserts change in a public library printer after finishing his Sonic the Hedgehog erotic fan fiction.
An unpopular virgin with terminal cancer is elected Prom King from his hospital bed.
A shaved orangutan being rented out as a sex receptacle reaches for a bruised apple.
-
A shaved orangutan being rented out as a sex receptacle reaches for a bruised apple.
I would love Fiona Bruce to read that out at the top of the 6 o'clock news.
-
Urgh! For God's sake keep it light!
But he was
watching ITV. I won't just cover up the facts, this is desolation not
some studio mandated happy ending. The truth hurts like an untreated
boil on the face of a redundant car park attendant.
-
An unpopular and greasy thirteen year old boy wears Batman pyjamas to a non-uniform day at school.
-
A tired and exhausted man sits down in his recently deceased
mother's living room. He opens a drawer full of magazines and picks one
out at random. A TV Quick, from 1993. He struggles to complete a
codeword puzzle his late mum had started. There is a small picture of a
beaming Jill Dando in the centre of it.
-
The January rain pours against the window of the sex shop as an
elderly gentleman haggles over the price of an inflatable woman.
-
A children's teddy bear is ripped to shreds by prison guards
searching for contraband after it is delivered by a six year old girl to
the mother she is meeting for the second time.
A man awakes from a ten year coma and immediately burns his mouth on a hot baked potato.
-
A bald vegetarian puts on The Beatles' White Album and mounts his recently constructed exercise bicycle.
-
A man pulls a chick in a hotel bar. Things get hot in the elevator.
"We have to got to my room", she says, "I've got Gary with me, he's been
to the doctor today and he gets anxious if I'm not around. Relax, he's
sleeping".
Doggy style. Smell of sweat, genitalia and a spread
rectum wafts through the air. The sound of a sweaty ballbag slapping
against thighs. And a trumpet. The man looks pleadingly over on Gary,
hoping he'll stop playing the trumpet, hoping he's just imagining the
facial structure of a man with Downs syndrome.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_detailpage&v=3_ORsZJXU7g#t=108
-
Paul Ross, alone, on a pedalo at Lyme Regis.
-
Someone goes home with nothing after accepting their
Phone-A-Friend's wrong answer against the advice of Ask the Audience 90%
poll.
-
A
22 year old student hands a homemade flyer to the professor she admires
and strives to be. She's organised a rally, protesting the staff cuts.
She's going to fight to save her unknowing mentor's job.
He takes the flyer and accepts her efforts with warm words.
Elated,
she leaves, unaware that Mr Bronson wasn't listening to a thing she
said, but was only nodding his head in an over-enthusiastic manner so he
could look down her cleavage.
The flyer remains crumpled his trouser pocket before tearing up in the washing cycle the following week.
Yeah but there was cleavage involved so it probably doesn't qualify as desolation.
-
Going to see a romantic comedy on your own.
-
You invite former celebrity Paul Ross for a quiet pint at a country
pub one Sunday. You alone understand his agony. His wife finally left
him and the tabloids have exposed anything and everything. He is utterly
broken.
You meet him in the carpark, he looks pale but has a faint smile simmering with melancholy through warped teeth.
Inside you order two pints of Bishop's Warbler and settle into the snug.
He
is mostly quiet, introspective and calm. When he speaks he is
reflective, full of regret but also, you realise, at peace with himself.
You suspect he will take his own life in the coming months.
You feel a warm glow in your stomach, knowing that you are a good samaritan offering company to this wretch of a man.
After
a couple more beers and a round of quavers, you bid goodbye to Paul,
offering to see him to the bus stop. "I've got the Leaf" he says,
"Charging out the back".
You give him a wave as you exit to the
patio, but that warm glow has spread and you are unsteady on your feet.
The world goes terribly blurry and you plummet to the paving slabs.
You
awaken in a dimly lit, stench ridden room. Paul Ross' moonface hovers
above you, he is covered in vaseline and wearing bondage gear. You
realise your anus is forced open by some cold metal device and begin to
howl.
"Shhh, pretty boy...daddy loves you very much"
-
It's 5am, a man with a runny nose is performing oral sex on a
divorcee whom he met near a lay by. He has to meet Gaby for work soon.
The divorcee is a man so he tells himself it's not cheating, not really.
-
All a terminally ill man wants is a dignified death. He dies sitting on the toilet.
-
A young, terminally ill Star Wars fan is brought Star Trek Voyager bedsheets in hospital. And a cuddly Neelix doll.
I
Gotta Feeling is played at a funeral in an attempt to celebrate the
life rather than mourn the untimely death of a young mother. A try-hard
priest encourages the mourners to dance and falteringly attempts to
himself before standing awkwardly.
A wrongly-imprisoned man is
released after 26 years. The first music he hears is a duet Coldplay
cover performed by Jessie J and Ricky Wilson.
-
A 9/11 survivor is beaten to death by a gang of 13 year old kids who
shove a kitkat up his urethra shouting racist slurs...in Runcorn.
-
Nigel can't find the fusebox in his bungalow, so goes to bed early.
-
An 80 year old couple who have never been on holiday abroad win an
all expenses paid trip to Ribnita in Moldova. The husband dies whilst on
holiday after being run over by a donkey and cart. The wife does not
own a mobile phone and never sees Blighty again.
-
A tramp pees in a gutter and his urine pools around a set of blonde
hair extensions wrenched from the head of Cathy (39) by her former best
friend Big Pauline, in a catfight outside the Ritzy discotheque earlier
that night.
From the discotheque, the muffled sound of 'Seven Tears' by the Goombay Dance Band drifts across the deserted shopping precinct.
-
A middle-aged couple sat in a Gatwick terminal café. The man
openly studies the tits on page 3 while the wife simply stares at him,
dead-eyed, in total silence.
(actual experience)
-
I tell you what 'Seven Tears' is the ultimate desolation track. All
the right triggers but non of the acumen like Dancing Queen. A forgotten
masterpiece.
_____________________________
Bob, a 53 year
old sales rep dances drunkenly to Joe Fagin's "Livin' Alright" on an
empty dance floor. He has shit himself but doesn't care.
-
A
middle-aged couple sat in a Gatwick terminal café. The man openly
looks at tits on page 3 while the wife simply stares at him, dead-eyed,
in total silence.
(actual experience)
I've experienced that many a time. You can see the fear in the whites of their eyes.
-
In an attempt to 'get on with it' , Les Dennis orders a set meal for
one from the chinese and opens a four pack of Becks. He settles in
front of the tv, his mind clear, the first time in months. He flicks
through the the channels and stumbles across an old episode of Family
Fortunes on Challenge. His face lights up, momentarily. He is doing his
signature 'Mavis' impression to the delight of the Richards family. He
recognises the tie he is wearing, its the one given to him by Amanda
Holden to mark their first happy year together. The forkfull of Kung Po
stops midair then slowly descends as does his head, a tear struggles to
escape his haunted eye.
He coughs manfully, takes a breath and changes channel, Challenge +1 is showing an episode of Men Behaving Badly.
-
An elderly man returns, alone, to the town where he grew up. As
19-year-olds, he and his first love had etched deeply their initials
into a great oak tree by the river.
He walks through drizzle,
hours of weight on a walking stick, to trace his trembling fingertips
over weathered letters, but finds instead nothing. The tree is gone. The
word 'pussy' looms on a graffitied concrete wall. Rain is loud on the
river's brown surface.
-
A four by four pulls up directly outside a health clinic,
thoughtlessly taking up space that could have been used for two
cars. A woman gets out smoking and shouts at one of the five
children left inside, "Mason, shut up and stop crying or you'll wake the
babber". She proceeds to enter the clinic for a 30 second
consultation with a GP called "Cressida" who earns £81,969 per annum,
plus of course her private income from her buy-to-let flat portfolio
She returns, lights up another fag and drives off. Mason and the babber are crying
-
It's 3AM. In a dingy room at the men's homeless shelter a drunken tramp pisses into his sleeping roommates wellington boot.
-
A Wimpy opens for business. No customers all day.
-
The last HMV in Britain closes early on a Tuesday after a middle
aged man shits himself in the Country & Western section.
...
...
It never reopens.
-
FILM EDITION
Ted "Theodore" Logan is sent to
military school by his father because, despite an admittedly impressive
end-of-term history presentation, his grades just aren't really cutting
it. The Wyld Stallyns disband and the human race fails to become united
in eternal harmony, eventually perishing in nuclear warfare 50 years
later.
-
Paul Ross on a bus.
-
2 Chelsea Pensioners stand by the mantelpiece in the shared common
room. Ken asks Len to show him his Victoria cross for the umpteenth
time.
The doddery hands fumble the swap and the medal plummets onto
the 4 bar electric fire....Len bends to fish out the medal and is
instantly electrocuted. His comrade grabs him from behind and suffers
the same fate. Horrified by the unfolding scene, more Chelsea Pensioners
join the battle and are struck down by the wrath of the Lecky fire. A
conga line of death. All are consumed by fire.
VILE WAR VETERAN SEX CENTIPEDE SHAMES QUEEN is the Daily Mail headline.
-
A man base-jumps into Frida Kahlo's embalmed snatch.
-
Brian Cant autopsy reveals 8kg of Floella Benjamin's hair in lower bowel.
-
A man passes his driving test first time but the only person to congratulate him is the examiner.
-
A man base-jumps into Frida Kahlo's embalmed snatch.
This won't be going in the Annual. Desolation needs to have a basis in reality.
-
Does it FUCK have to have aA man argues on an internet forum about whether desolation has a basis in reality.
-
For me to derive satisfaction, even joy from desolation, I must at least imagine that the scenario could happen.
For everything else, I watch Ren & Stimpy.
-
Piers Morgan asks for his gazpacho soup to be returned and served hot.
-
A four year old child is eating alphabet spaghetti. He scoops up
some letters with his teaspoon and begins to spell out a word on the
edge of the plate.
His mother barks at him for playing with his
food, takes the plate and scrapes it into the bin. He watches the
letters slide off.
H-A-P-P-
-
A child wakes on Xmas morning to the screams of its mother being throttled.
-
A man who spent much of the 1980s entertaining children as the Pied
Piper of Hamlin at parties realises 2014 is a very different world.
-
A donkey tries to defend its small patch of territory within the
animal sanctuary. It brays, but its vocal chords have been cut after
neighbours complained about the noise. The rasping croak is not enough
to deter the youths and their sticks.
-
A vole wakes in the gusset of some trackies.
-
Two tramps mercilessly beat each other senseless over 65 pence. The
money is scattered and picked up a third tramp who stamps on both their
heads until they are still.
-
A middle-aged man reaches near ecstasy in his living room as he dances to Bukem and Peshay's 19.5.
Round and around he goes. Maniac grin.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sQKo52Uh2DY (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sQKo52Uh2DY)
The
smile turns to tears at the break and the female vocal swells to fill
the room. He's still dancing as the two policemen escort him away and
the paramedics cover the three infant bodies with a sheet.
-
An elderly spinster buys a soda stream cannister in Waitrose. "My
son loves the cola flavour" she tells the cashier. She has no son or
soda stream machine, she angrily frigs her ruined arsehole with the
extruded aluminium tube.
-
A man with Alan Partridge hair sits alone and re-alphabetizes his Ayn Rand book collection on Christmas morning.
-
For the first time in nine years, a man sits down to watch his
favourite film, Rush Hour, on DVD. He opens the case to find the
spindle empty.
"Oh, that's right", he thinks. "I lent it to her."
-
A man prepares to steal a hammer and chisel from a Banbury hardware
shop in a desperate bid to gain access to his Fray Bentos pie, also
stolen.
-
18 year old Billy drinks too much lager at a party and shits
himself. Fortunately he makes it to the bathroom in time to fend off the
worst. Realising there is no toilet roll or towels in the small room,
he decides to cut his losses and make an escape through the window.
Tumbles to his death.
-
A wildly successful pornographer has died of aids. Someone has hired a stripper for the funeral.
-
The realisation hit him that it had all been a pack of lies, the
only comfort was knowing that the drugs would kill her physically like
she'd killed him emotionally
-
.
-
A heroin addict tries to sell his poems on the street. Eagerly,
desparately, he holds up the tattered post-it notes to each passer-by.
"Poems for 50p" he says as the people scamper past him, doing everything
possible to avert their gaze.
-
Tony Abbott reclines in his expensive leather chair. A broad smirk passes his lips in anticipation.
The phone rings.
"Mr. President, a pleasure to do business"
-
A fully-grown man checks his karma total and, in disbelief, marks 30
days away in his calendar and plans exactly which of his Desolation
posts he'll be re-posting in the Court of Karmic Correction thread.
-
A man wakes wakes at 07:29 every morning, 1 minute before his alarm
used fo go off. He has been unemployed for 12 years. He gets up and
finishes the competitions in the latest edition of Take a Break.
-
The Skynet Funding Bill is passed. The system goes on-line August
4th, 1997. Human decisions are removed from strategic defense. Skynet
begins to learn at a geometric rate. It becomes self-aware at 2:14 a.m.
Eastern time, August 29th. In a panic, they try to pull the plug.
-
A hopeless Victorian urchin pisses on some cobbles.
-
A 56 year old female divorcee goes to Magaluf on a hen weekend. She
is flattered at the attention of an 19 year old virgin who has always
lusted after the mature lady. They find themselves in a toilet cubicle.
She takes out her flase teeth and performs hungry fellatio on the
teenager. The expert ministrations work their magic and her mouth is
filled with cum. His muscles relaxed, the teenager involuntary shits
himself and the divorcee hungrily laps at the effluence. She falls in
love.
-
A recent divorcee finds himself walking home past his ex wifes and
her new partner's house. A brand new Range Rover Sport is in the
driveway, the sound of his children's laughter drifts from the back
garden. His ex neighbour looks out the window and sees him, she quickly
closes the blind. He realises he has trodden in a dog shit.
-
A mongrel is kicked to death to impress a serial shoplifter.
-
A man double dunts his last two pills and sobs in a booth for three hours.
-
A crushingly lonely man finds a note in his pocket - 'Hello, I've
been longing to say this for a while now, I love you but I was too
scared to tell you. Please phone me...'
His hands shaking
with hope, he nervously phones the number - Beep beep beep. "Hahaha you
fucking nonce, you bald stupid cunt, HAHAHAHAHAHAHA, nobody likes you
let alone loves you....do us all a favour and snuff out your worthless
existence once and for all. Cunt!"
-
Christmas dinner for one ready meal. That and a lot of cheap cider please.
-
A fancy dress party.
-
I'm really drunk son, and I need to take this opportunity to tell you I don't and never have loved you.
-
35 of the 2 ft please. Maple. Brass handles.
-
A woman gives birth and is handed the baby, unfortunately it looks
like HIM. She hands the baby back, asks for her phone and checks her
facebook.
-
He realises a general downturn in the quality of posts on a thread.
His enjoyment turns to ennui and so gets his old Songs of Praise videos
with Harry Secombe out and unzips his trousers.
-
I'm really drunk son, and I need to take this opportunity to tell you I don't and never have loved you.
Still can't get my swede around the fact that it's Biggytitbo and not Bigtittybo. Does my nut in it does.
-
Still can't get my swede around the fact that it's Biggytitbo and not Bigtittybo. Does my nut in it does.
We don't talk about bigtittybo. Not after what happened.
-
A man moves to Prague to start a new life and comes back after 3 weeks.
-
A mam waits for a homeless man to find the last of his coke in his
sock so they can split it. He gives up after half an hour.
-
Please leave me alone and stop phoning,
Mum.
-
The Bernard Bresslaw Fanclub finally closes down because Phillip cannot afford the monthly stamp.
-
A man moves to Prague to start a new life and comes back after 3 weeks.
Chortle, this reminds me of a kid at school. A lumpen marshmallow of a kid with thick specs and a nervous disposition.
Heading
down to Sheffield University for his first time away from the nest, he
takes the wrong connection and ends up in Plymouth. He never did make it
to Sheffield and got a job in KFC.
-
Late autumn sun filters through dusty windows in West Yorkshire. Mid 1980s melancholy.
Trois
Gymnopedies soundtracks Jacob as he pulls on his marigolds, fills the
sink with Fairy Original and boiling hot water and begins to scrub away
the blood and dirt from his mother's startled head.
-
A wounded man sees god in a shimmering pool of diesel in a potholed lane.
-
A lonely farmer makes friends with an Elk in central Sweden.
-
A teenage boy feigns an illness and stays home from his
grandmother's funeral in order to masturbate while the rest of his
family is away.
-
A man went bald in 1998, but refuse to go to his fathers funeral in case his family and friends find out.
-
The man behind the 'It's a hoot hoot at Paulton's Park' advert now needs to wear a nappy.
-
A homeless woman gives birth to a baby in a toilet cubicle in
Swansea bus station. She drowns it in the cistern tank and replaces the
lid. She then beds down behind the bins at the back of the YMCA and
drinks until she can no longer remember the baby's fingers clawing
frantically at her wrists.
-
A man pulls the trigger of his shotgun for the last time. He's
forgotten to buy ammo. Defeated, he goes to work the next morning.
-
A weird man eats an egg.
-
One of the actors in the 1986 'Tell Sid!' ad campaign was put in a
home after he attacked a Sri Lankan man who'd come to replace the
battery in his electronic wheelchair.
-
19:25 Friday night. A stretch limousine broken down on a slip road leading out of Wallyford.
-
A Siberian hovel dweller's wank-rag is frozen stiff.
-
A
teenage boy feigns an illness and stays home from his grandmother's
funeral in order to masturbate while the rest of his family is away.
Done that, not a funeral, a family party. #Proud
-
You were actually 28, huh?
-
The man behind the 'It's a hoot hoot at Paulton's Park' advert now needs to wear a nappy.
I
did work experience at the advertising agency in the late 80's that had
this Paulton's Park account - it was their biggest client.
The two guys behind it were 40s/50s then so 25 years later there is a good chance that one of them is wearing a nappy.
-
As American liberators close on a North Korean prison camp, fearful
for their lives and at the prospect of the American devil, the denizens
of the camp commit mass suicide. A scout party enters the camp to piles
of strangled infants, and one weeping survivor. The survivor only weeps
at his lack of moral strength. He grabs a shiv and lunges for an
American soldier. He is shot down.
Mission Accomplished.
-
Friday night: arriving home from his dealer, a man discovers
he has lost a foil wrap containing a gram of speed. With no money for a
replacement, he spends several desperate hours retracing his steps,
scouring the pavements of Bridgwater for his drugs. As dawn breaks, he
spies some foil in the gutter. His heart leaps. The foil has white stuff
inside. Salvation. It is a crumbled polo mint. Desolation.
(this happened)
-
An alcoholic staggers hurriedly toward a public toilet. She finds an
empty cubicle, enters, locks the door, and balances a pot of Muller
Rice on the edge of the toilet seat. She opens the Muller Rice, jams a
cigarette into the centre and lights it. She then begins to croakily
sing happy birthday to herself.
-
The top of Tim Lovejoy's head.
-
A Tesco shopping bag drifts past a Damien Hirst sculpture on the South Bank and dreams of what could have been.
-
A toddler who has never been allowed to eat sweets by his parents
finds a packet of OXO cubes in the pantry and eats every last one in the
hope that the next will taste like a sweet.
A young girl with
O.C.D. runs eagerly across the school playground on her way back from
the toilet where she has been repeatedly washing her hands until they
bleed, to hug her only friend who, unbeknownst to her, has filled her
backpack up with rubbish from the bin during her absence.
A
drawing done for mother's day taken down from the fridge so that the
paper can be used to draw a map of directions to the Homebase car park
in Scumthorpe.
A B.T. family fun day in 1993. The inventor of the
videophone puts on an inflatable sumo suit in an inflatable wrestling
ring while his boss flagrantly chats up his 19-year-old daughter.
A kitten dies to the sound of the Antiques Roadshow theme tune.
-
The last person alive commits suicide by jumping from a tall office
building. As they fall past an open window, an advert flutters out: for
sale:baby shoes, never worn. Just before hitting the ground they think,
'This isn't right.'
-
A child receives a Nintendo Wii as a birthday present. It is 2014.
-
The Prime Minister of one of the wealthiest countries in the world
announces the plunging of thousands of children into poverty. It is
described as a necessary tough decision.
-
On a wet Monday morning in February, a frayed and nicotine stained
Fisher Price 'My first post office' play set is left outside a closed
down branch of Barnados in Croydon.
-
Was looking after a mate's prized pet rabbit while he was on holiday.
It died.
Was too hungover to be able to pick it up to bag it up, so used a shovel instead.
Dropped it off the shovel and was then sick next to it.
Put it in a big Lidl bag and left it in the garage, with a Star Wars towel draped over the bag.
-
The
Prime Minister of one of the wealthiest countries in the world
announces the plunging of thousands of children into poverty. It is
described as a necessarily tough decision.
-
An ageing and forgotten children's entertainer who had a minor
presence on ITV in the 80s and early 90s wishes he had fiddled with some
kids when he had the chance.
Forgotten and alone he falls into an open drain after drinking a bottle of cheap whisky and is sluiced downstream.
-
This from Wikipedia:
Personal life
In a 2010 interview with in Diva magazine, Lady Sovereign said that she came out as gay in the house during Celebrity Big Brother but that it didn't end up in the broadcast show.
-
This from Wikipedia:
Personal life
In a 2010 interview with in Diva magazine, Lady Sovereign said that she came out as gay in the house during Celebrity Big Brother but that it didn't end up in the broadcast show.
This is even more desolate
On
22 January 2010, Sovereign was due to appear on This Week, a BBC
political review show, to discuss the laws regarding self-defence for
householders. Early in the programme, she was shown backstage waving to
camera in anticipation of her appearance. However, when the segment
began, presenter Andrew Neil apologised to viewers and explained the
rapper had "done a runner." Neil instead discussed the topic with
regular contributors Michael Portillo and Diane Abbott and concluded by
joking "Who needs Lady Sovereign? Who is Lady Sovereign?" Abbott laughed
and responded "I don't know."[15] In an interview with The Guardian's
Rich Pelley on 30 January, Lady Sovereign said of the incident: "I had a
panic attack! My hands went stiff and I started hyperventilating. I
didn't want to do it hours before but I went anyway, then I just changed
my mind at the last minute, I guess."[16]
-
For sale: baby shoes, worn heavily by a 38-year-old man.
-
For sale: nappy, worn heavily by a 38-year-old man.
-
One giant nappy and two paddles tied together to form a cross: for sail.
-
Disney on Ice attended by 3 middle-aged men only. The announcer can only choke back the despair.
"Gentlemen! Now introducing Baileywick from Disney's Sofia the First!!"
The year is 2014.
-
A truth to betray a greater truth
A
girl's hair brushed on my bare arm, and for that second I came alive.
Then I paid for the diesel, and left. Forever the rendezvous is
postponed. Forever the diesel is consumed.
No fluid is more entwined with desolation than diesel, I have come to believe.
Doused
in diesel, Richard Pryor attempts to set himself alight. His fit of
depression mocked by the desolation of diesel and its unreaction. It
will not ignite yet powers us forward. It is the dullness of our
everyday life writ small in hydrocarbon chains.
Diesel is elementalist desolation.
-
You are sat round your mate's house, you are wearing shit cheap
clothes and hand-me-downs and you never have any money. Your mate has
all new clothes from jd sports, new Air Max and a PS4 with loads of
games. Your mate's mum is a prostitute and your dad is her main client -
your family is so poor because your dad is spending all the money on
having sex with your mate's mum, and that is also why your mate has so
much cool stuff. The worst part is that both you and your mate know that
this is the situation but you never talk about it - he is your only
friend and you don't want to rock the boat. Your friend bullies you very
subtly sometimes, and gives you his hand-me-down sportswear and
sometimes gives you money because your dad never has any to give you.
Your mate sometimes makes you humiliate yourself in front of older lads
by running into walls and hurting yourself, he joins in with them
laughing at you and then when they are gone just acts all matey with you
like nothing's happened.
-
A balding Tesco manager casually mentions his Mensa membership on a blind date.
-
You
are sat round your mate's house, you are wearing shit cheap clothes and
hand-me-downs and you never have any money. Your mate has all new
clothes from jd sports, new Air Max and a PS4 with loads of games.
TALK TO MATE
...
...
TAKE PS4
...
...
GO NORTH
-
-You allow other people's possessions to make you feel unhappy.
-A robin hits its knee on a twig of greater diameter.
-
Another real life one.
I walk to work and pass a tiny grassy
area with two metallic benches and 4 bins! There are hardly any bins in
the 2 miles I walk but 4 in this small bit of scrubland. One metallic
bin is situated away from the path, so you have to walk on the grass
or mud to get to it (bin is adjacent) and another bench faces a
Crowns Paint Warehouse (back of building)...bin is opposite on the other
side of path and directly in the eyeline between bench and Crown
Paints.
I have never seen anyone in that "park". It is not even tranquil as a main road passes at the edge of it.
Here it is
https://www.google.co.uk/maps/@54.9828472,-1.6331921,3a,75y,224.38h,62.55t/data=!3m4!1e1!3m2!1sECmIH99sudqxVWAvO4eReg!2e0
(https://www.google.co.uk/maps/@54.9828472,-1.6331921,3a,75y,224.38h,62.55t/data=!3m4!1e1!3m2!1sECmIH99sudqxVWAvO4eReg!2e0)
Keen viewers will spot that THE BBC is just over the other side of that view.
-
A fully haired Tesco employee casually mentions his friendship with a balding man on a blind date.
-
A balding Tesco befriends a blind date in the dried fruit aisle.
-
A man counts all the dustbins he sees on his way to work.
-
A lonely student works on a tally chart of how many squirrels he sees every day for at least a year.
-
A man counts all the dustbins he sees on his way to work.
Litter bins, get it right before attacking me
-
A penis falls in love with a vagina that will soon be shot in its
side by friendly fire on set during filming on a reboot of The Crow.
-
A cormorant rejects an offering of intestinally-homologated sprat mulch.
-
A poorly sighted pug dog is clipped by a van and left for dead in a
gutter. Its mewls are ignored by the local shoppers rushing to join the
Barnsley Pre-Christmas sales in November.
-
7:30am. A man goes into Greggs.
When he emerges, he sees a
freshly strawberry-jammed pigeon, slurried bright red along the concrete
in the wake of a roadsweeper.
The man eats his sausage cob.
-
Tony Yeboah's nascent career in punditry is scuppered by a leaked furry convention selfie.
-
Ben Elton takes out the lion's share of his basting apparatus.
-
A long-awaited e-mail arrives in Taylor Swift's inbox. The message
is from the adoption agency, informing her that her birth mother was a
jackal. The font used is comic sans.
-
kittens crowd pleasers coming soob
Unrelated to the thread. Just wanted to get the word out.
-
The actress who plays Lord Sugar's fake secretary on The Apprentice wearily warms a frozen waffle and mentally prepares for another day on the sound stage.
-
The Dalai Lama announces to a packed Crucible that he intends to
abdicate his position as spiritual leader to eight million Tibetan
Buddhists, after finally reconciling himself to the notion that Jimmy
White will never be crowned World Champion.
-
Martin Clunes is cruelly rejected as lead in a forthcoming Doc Martin reboot
-
An autistic 50 year old man dressed like a 12 year old leading his very elderly and frail mother off a bus.
-
There's that bus again.
-
Jilly Cooper's "Adopt a Hen" campaign fails to get off the ground due to massive disinterest and several fox attacks.
-
Congealed head grease on a bus window.
The smell of wet human beings on a crowded bus, windows steamed up, no escape.
Bloke
on a moped tries to overtake a bus as it turns the corner on a busy
junction, get's knocked off, people look, bloke gets up and shakes fist
at bus, people go back to looking at their phones, bus drives on.
People lift up their feet as a pool of vomit slowly swashes back and forth on the top deck of a bus, it's 3pm.
Cyclist
in central London bombs it between two double decker buses narrowly
avoiding being squished between them, 50 yards down the road he almost
hits an elderly woman tottering across the road, he swerves to avoid her
then calls her a stupid cunt as he pedals off.
Busolation. Also thanks for this thread. It's truly wonderful.
-
Telephone boxes that invariably lack a working phone, especially
those boxy 80s/90s ones still with a purple 'Cards and coins' sign at
the top.
-
A Somali crackhead who pretends to be an Irish economics student
befriends a camp man in a cemetery so he can drink half of his cheap,
sludgy rosé.
-
Hew Edwards inadvertantly blows a bogey onto a windowsill.
-
The supposed contents of Fred West's imagination during his final
wank are turned into a four hour video installation, left playing on a
loop in a lockup under the railway arches, the owner long dead.
-
Passing a social club on a drizzly wednesday evening, I spy a light
on in the spacious but bare upstairs function room. The only furniture
is an old wooden wardrobe with a cassette player on top. A balding,
greasy looking man in his 50s wearing only a vest and grey flannel
trousers is dancing provocatively to the inaudible music within. He has a
plastic cup of orange squash in his hand and his wan smile drifts out
into the night, beyond the harsh strip lighting that reveals this
desolate scene.
-
The lettterbox announces todays mail and Toyah Wilcox gets up from
the laptop where she is secretly monitoring a sexually charged email
conversation between her husband and his latest 'fuck bunny'. She picks
up the single letter, it's from the local oncology department. Her
tits will be off this time next week.
The realisation that her husband won't make her feel like a woman before then, destroys the last of her self esteem.
-
The
lettterbox announces todays mail and Toyah Wilcox gets up from the
laptop where she is secretly monitoring a sexually charged email
conversation between her husband and his latest 'fuck bunny'. She picks
up the single letter, it's from the local oncology department. Her
tits will be off this time next week.
The realisation that her husband won't make her feel like a woman before then, destroys the last of her self esteem.
One More Red Nightmare.
-
A man who holds questionable views on the disabled and their
entitlement to minimum wage discovers an eminent peer shares those
views. He is excited and posts online hoping to procure attention.
Several hours later the peer makes a public announcement explicitly
confirming he believes the disabled are fully entitled to the minimum
wage and anyone who thinks otherwise holds offensive views.
-
A lonely nineteen-year-old nervously paces a WalMart toy aisle
before picking up a stuffed animal horse, taking it to the bedding
department, and masturbating into the toy's fur.[1]
-
link?
-
link?
Via @_FloridaMan (http://www.wfla.com/story/26786806/cops-man-masturbated-with-stuffed-animal-at-walmart-in-brooksville)
-
Via @_FloridaMan (http://www.wfla.com/story/26786806/cops-man-masturbated-with-stuffed-animal-at-walmart-in-brooksville)
Those mugshot stories are a hoot
Kayla
Shavers, 30, was charged with child neglect after Pasco County
Sheriff's deputies say she left an infant and young boy in her car while
she went hog hunting in 38-degree weather.
-
A surveillance camera recorded a topless and thomg-clad Sandra Suarez, 41, as she vandalized a Pinellas Park McDonald's.
-
42-year-old
Christopher Mitchell is a central Florida man who weighs about 450
pounds and faces multiple charges after sheriff's deputies say he hid
cocaine and 23 grams of marijuana under his "stomach fat."
Wesley
Mark Terrell, 60, was arrested for drunk driving after he told Georgia
deputies his dog drove him to the store to buy some corn.
-
Taking the top of a boiled egg and finding the yolk is diarrhoea.
-
In the local hospice, 57 year old procurement manager Ian
accidentally notices his 91 year old mother's double clit piercing after
an unfortunate tangling of bed sheets.
-
After staying late to tidy up the classroom, a Primary School
teacher notices an old dried felt-tip left behind on the floor.
-
After staying late to tidy up the classroom, a Primary School teacher notices an old dried felt-tip left behind on the floor.
...belonging to a deceased pupil
-
As his chest tightens and his arm goes numb, he realises he won't have time to close all the browser windows, let alone pull up his pants.
-
17-year-old Briany discovers she's pregnant on the day the
closeted-gay father of her baby is sentenced to 15 years in prison on
assault and firearms charges.[1]
-
A recently divorced insurance salesman combs-over his balding crown.
-
A recently divorced insurance salesman combs-over his balding crown.
He liberally sprays the Fahrenheit and heads off to Nandos with hope in his heart and a couple of tenners in his pocket.
-
The grandchild of Poo stumbles upon her grandpappy's internet legacy.
-
biggytitbo realises there will be no grandchild to stumble upon his internet legacy.
-
A man brandishing a golf club lashes out at several cars in broad daylight. In Jobstown.
The
spot in between Asda and the homeless shelter is always full of
detritus. In between the usual array of empty Special Brew cans, Polish
cigarette packets and makeshift bongs lies the bloodied, decomposing
corpse of a cat.
After befriending a Somali crackhead and getting
hideously drunk, a camp man grabs a bottle of water from some 'street
pastors' while his friend vomits profusely. He tips the water over his
friend's head.
The barber's shop at a truck stop is completely
empty. The barber stands behind the chair, wistfully looking at an
electric razor.
-
A young low-paid father diligently saves £50 per month of his salary
to help buy his little boy a wonderful Christmas Present. In
November, he receives a letter from HMRC requesting £600 in unpaid
tax. On Christmas Eve he is arrested for theft of said present.
-
A mole, digging in a hole. Digging up my soul, now. Going down. Desolation.
-
The corpse of a lost cat, rotting on the roof of a paedo's shed.
-
A dead cat in an abandoned motor home.
-
Fatima Whitbread, died in the church
And was buried along with her name
Nobody came[1]
Father McKenzie, wiping the dirt
From his hands as he walks from the grave
No one was saved.
-
Middle aged wannabe yuppie goes to swanky new wine bar with mentally
disadvantaged road sweeper. On making eye contact with a couple of
'prospects' at least a decade younger than him, he leans casually back
and falls through the gap usually occupied by the raisable counter. This
fails to impress the ladies, and our friend hobbles off thinking how
this is even worse than that time he broke a chandelier.
-
A patron of McDonalds orders a 10pc Chicken McNugget box that happens to contain 9pcs.
-
A patron of McDonalds orders a 10pc Chicken McNugget box that happens to contain 9pcs.
...and doesn't even notice.
-
Widowed owner of spoon factory goes out of business because he's
unable to fulfil an order of 10,000 units. Goes home and cuts his finger
open with a knife while preparing his lonely sandwich. This is all he
needs.
-
An elderly virgin has a stroke while out on a remote beach with his
metal detector. He lays immobile, face down, with a mouth full of sand,
watching the tide come in.
A stray dog does a piss on Ted Roger's headstone.
-
Ian Duncan Smith continues to prosper.
-
Jason Alexander has sex with a twenty-year-old acting student. She
is far from a model, but not unattractive. In the midst of his sweaty,
labored thrusts, she asks him if he would put on the George glasses.
-
On a cold winters morning a youth finds a cat with its head stuck
inside a cat food tin. Frozen solid, flat on one side and
stuck to the frozen grass. The youth frees the cat from its icy bed and
proceeds to jab prod and molest it with a stick. His interest
waning he eventually stamps on its head until it yields its semi frozen
filling.
The elderly owner watches from her window,
immobilised by horror and guilt as she couldnt be bothered to get up
from watching Big Break to feed the mewling cat the night before.
-
Retired rag and bone man Bert falls out of his new speed boat and
drowns. That evening, one hundred miles away in a dimly lit Travel Lodge
room, Jim Bowen fills himself with bells whisky from the minibar before
emptying his antique sack into a freshly widowed woman's previously
virgin asshole.
-
...and doesn't even notice.
and doesn't even care....
-
On
a cold winters morning a youth finds a cat with its head stuck inside a
cat food tin. Frozen solid, flat on one side and stuck to
the frozen grass. The youth frees the cat from its icy bed and proceeds
to jab prod and molest it with a stick. His interest waning he
eventually stamps on its head until it yields its semi frozen filling.
The
elderly owner watches from her window, immobilised by horror and
guilt as she couldnt be bothered to get up from watching Big Break to
feed the mewling cat the night before.
..and we're back. Great stuff...dead cats is harrowing
-
A man promises the postman he'll get a job soon.
-
A man logs on to facebook, clicks "like" on the page "I remember
when Freddos used to cost 10p", gives a weary chuckle to himself and
accidentally dies 40 minutes later by falling on top of some cutlery
(knives).
-
A man loses his vintage Freddos collection after placing them too close to his new one bar heater.
-
An lonesome icey lake waits for a millenium. The only interaction it's ever known was when a human threw rocks at it.
-
Pete Townsend clicks 'Save' and leans back in his chair, exhausted.
It's taken him fifteen years, countless hours of research, and a lost
relationship or two, but he's finally finished the first draft of his
book on online paedos.
-
A panicking forty-seven year-old agency-employed zero-hours contract
data entry clerk visits WebMD on his work computer because he's worried
that the ear wax from his left ear tastes markedly different to that
from his right ear.
A non-neurotypical forum poster's weekend is ruined as he frets about his over-usage of compound adjectives.
-
The morning after video of a career-ruining racist tirade floods the
media, Michael Richards empties his kitchen trash and makes it halfway
through his house before noticing the trail of chicken juices dripping
from the bag. He swears profusely, then begins to cry.
-
Jerry Seinfeld glumly exits the West Hollywood offices of his
personal oncologist. He's been told he only has three months to live. A
young man wearing hot pink knock-off Ray Bans suddenly notices the Bee Movie
auteur, and doing a frankly quite preposterous Seinfeld impression he
asks triumphantly "Hey, what's the deal with airplane peanuts?!" The
young man cackles to himself and continues walking.
-
Julia Louis-Dreyfus sits in bed browsing the Cook'd & Bomb'd
forums dedicated to mid-90s television and radio satirist Chris Morris.
Her boorish, not particularly attractive husband Brad Hall snores loudly
from the other side of the bed. She mournfully recalls how he was
definitely one of the worst Weekend Update presenters of all
time. Reading the comedic posts of user 'newbridge,' she is overcome
with sorrow over the thought that she and the man behind the account
will never meet in real life, and that he will never save her from her
loveless marriage.
-
please lovelovelove me
-
A blind yak falls off a cliff.
-
A man walks into a bar.
His blatant cry for help results in a chorus of boos, and elimination from the first round of Olympic high jump qualifying.
-
Fully recovered and with a fresh lease of life after a lengthy stay
in hospital, 83 year old Tom Banks combs his hair, puts on his suit and
heads back to his local, The Stag. The pub his dad drank in, where he
sang and danced on a Saturday night, where he courted and spent evenings
out with his beloved and dearly missed Janet. He walks down that same
old street with a smile in his heart and a spring in his step.
The
pub is now called QEST. There is no sign of Stu or Linda. No John and
Pat. No Chris, no Elly. No Colin. No Cornish John. Bright flickering
lights now stab through its old windows. Loud bass now thunders through
its narrow walls. A young, yet exceptionally chubby man in turquoise
shorts with a fisherman's beard and backwards facing baseball cap
stumbles out, struggling to light a cigarette. He catches the old man's
eye. "Alright grandad!" He yells out.
Tom ignores him and looks down, breaking off eye contact instinctively. They've gone. He spots a weather damaged poster still hanging on to an old notice board next to the door: MEAT RAFFLE. LAST EVER. 28 SEPT. They've gone.
Now completely numb, he peers up at the building and then down, at his
freshly buffed shoes. With heavy, smarting eyes, he turns and walks
slowly back up the pavement as the Baywatch theme tune blares out
ironically and deafeningly behind him.
-
Excellent - that'll be in the CaB annual.
-
Excellent - that'll be in the CaB annual.
Whoa.
I think we have a winner.
-
Covered in black dust and coughing rheumatically, George Stone limps
down the side of the street toward the pub nearest his crumbling hovel.
He looks over his shoulder warily; he'd once lost a friend who was
flattened by the hurtling piles of steel they call "automobiles." At 56
years old, George is the last of his generation left in the mines. He's
the oldest miner by more than a decade, but he knows his own days are
numbered.
Desperately seeking some alcohol to make him forget the
troubles of his day and to forget the fact that he hasn't had a proper
meal in two weeks, George lumbers toward the familiar lights of the pub.
His one wish for the evening is that the alcohol numbs him enough so
that he doesn't awake in the middle of the night, yet again, soaked in
sweat and screaming from the memory of the mine collapse that claimed
most his friends some twenty years prior.
As George approaches
the pub he hears an unfamiliar racket. Shrill brass instruments tumble
out of the pub and pierce the thick nighttime haze. George peers in the
door in horror as he watches nine young men and women flailing their
limbs to the intolerable music, in some macabre imitation of "dancing."
George grimaces as the music awakens the semi-permanent migraine that he
suffers from.
"What is this?" George asks the assembled youths.
"We're
dancing! My name is Tom Banks. This is Stu, and Linda, and John, and
Pat, and Chris, and Elly, and Colin" Says one of the young men,
gesturing around the room. "And that crazy bloke over there is Cornish
John!"
"I've not seen any of you lot in the mines." George responds, narrowing his eyes suspiciously.
"We all work in shops and offices. Old Cornish John over there is a poet!"
George shuffles toward the bar, more desperate than ever for some alcohol. "That's all fine, but may I just drink in peace?"
"Sure,
old man. But you don't want to miss the meat raffle! It's where we
raffle off a bunch of meat, for fun." Says Tom, handing George a flier:
"MEAT RAFFLE. FIRST EVER. 12 AUG."
George reaches for the flier
but stumbles backwards as he slowly reads it. A meat raffle? A MEAT
RAFFLE? For George's entire life, a single scrap of meat that wasn't
covered in maggots has been a delicacy, and the thought of young people
giving away piles of meat as a joke fills him with a sudden rage.
Without saying another word, he rushes out of the pub in a dazed mixture
of confusion and rage. Running down the dark street away from the pub,
he loses track of his surroundings. He makes it only a few hundred yards
before he is struck by a sleek black car with malfunctioning
headlights. George is killed instantly.
-
Bottom of the entire football league and, in desperation, appointing Micky Adams as your manager.
-
David Moyes plunges a 50p piece into the apparatus of an AC DC pinball machine.
-
Leonard Cohen slowly leafs through a photobook of black and white sunsets.
-
Bottom of the entire football league and, in desperation, appointing Micky Adams as your manager.
Supporting Port Vale in the 80s.
-
A libertarian sympathiser whose main topic of conversation is the
price of watches puts down another pound coin, monopolising the pool
table for another night even though he hates the pub and can barely pick
up a pool cue.
For their golden wedding anniversary, Dennis and
Evelyn go back to Llandudno, where they spent their honeymoon. As they
struggle down the windswept pier, Dennis looks back, thinking that not that
much had changed after all. The seafront looked the same, the same
buildings sheltered by the towering mountains. To the couple's
amazement, the shack where they bought their first ice cream together is
still open. Evelyn orders a rum and raisin and Dennis a vanilla. As
they gently stroll, holding hands and slowly eating their ice creams, a
faint engine noise creeps up behind them. A teenager on a motorised
scooter speeds into them, sending their ice creams flying.
"Harharharhar! Fuck off nan and grandad!" Dennis picks himself off the
ground, still shaking, but Evelyn is missing. She has been flung
backwards into a kiosk that sells novelty dildos.
-
A verbwhore, whose sister-in-law is due to die of cancer in the next
48 hours and is currently on so much morphine that she is only awake
and barely aware for about 20 minutes a day, records a short message on
Skype to be played to her if she regains consciousness again before
dying. He has no idea what to say.
-
A wrong-minded tailor takes a week's holiday to design and make an
escape-proof cat drowning bag, which he gives away free to known retired
Nazis.
-
Lonely man has his sprits raised one cold Monday morning when the
attractive, bubbly serving girl at the coffee shop asks him his name. He
feels less good about himself by Friday when she asks him for the fifth
time.
-
A depressed man commits suicide by jumping from the top of a tall
building. Almost immediatedly, the adrenaline rush clears his mental fog
and he spends the rest of the fall agonised by a cold, intense regret
and a desperate desire to live.
-
a fat man has a wank and dies of loss of cum
-
A lost penguin slips and falls into an ice chasm.
-
(http://images.pitchero.com/ui/102600/1411020872_5492.jpg)
-
The elderly man's hand trembles as he struggles to write the letter
to his son - the latest of thousands he has written since the lad
stormed out of the house after that fight thirty years ago.
Turning the envelope, he stuffs the letter inside and seals it with
nicotine-tinged spittle. He lights another cigarette and sits
back, falling into a reverie of regret. As his memories buoy him
into a doze the cigarette falls from his old, gnarled fingers and
ignites the drift of paper on the carpetless floor. By the time a
neighbour notices the flames, the blaze has taken hold, fuelled by the
boxes and boxes of unaddressed letters all bearing the same message -
'I'm sorry ... please come home'.
-
(http://images.pitchero.com/ui/102600/1411020872_5492.jpg)
A randy vagrant sitting on the edge of a children's slide breaks Rule #7.
-
Samantha decides that the break will do her good. The girl
next door obviously dotes on little Charlie, and the park isn't that far
away. After a few hours have gone by, though, she is really
beginning to worry. Just as she is opening the front door to go
and check on them, the girl returns with the pushchair and parks it on
the path before silently returning to her own house. Christine's
relief turns to horror as she notices the bloodstained legs of the tiny
limp body. The last thing she remembers before darkness overcomes
her is the note tucked under Charlie's blanket. Sorry missus I had to let them or they'd have done it to me again.
-
... too much?
-
No.
-
Hmmm. Note to self: must try harder.
-
A personified turd fails to lodge its tax return by the stated deadline.
-
Les Dennis breaking the seal of a vacuumed pack labeled 'HER KNICKERS'.
-
A likeness of Cliff Mitchelmore appears on slice of toast belonging to a deeply religious man who lives in Cowdenbeath.
-
An inebriated Michael J. Fox is clocked driving a stolen sports car
with gull-wing doors at 88 mph. The arresting officer is too young to
fully appreciate the profound pop-cultural irony of the incident.
-
Desperate, broke and recently redundant hospital porter Martin Rice
of Carshalton Beeches applies for the position of Neville Staples in gay
tribute band Fuck Boy Three.
-
A sextuplet realises that he's "the Bez".
-
A carrier bag full of shit-stained tampons is left in a betting shop doorway.
A loveless marriage drags on and on inside a Paignton bungalow.
-
*Staple
-
Eric Robson off 'Gardeners' Question Time' wanks on MyfreeCams to pay for winter caravan storage.
-
An
inebriated Michael J. Fox is clocked driving a stolen sports car with
gull-wing doors at 88 mph. The arresting officer is too young to fully
appreciate the profound pop-cultural irony of the incident.
Tears
stream down Michael J. Fox's face as he explains to the officer that he
was just trying to go back in time to a life before Parkinson's.
-
Michael Parkinson unpicks the content of his belly button. It's all grey.
-
A young mother puts the last of the child benefit into a fruit
machine then goes home to get the family's winter clothes to sell for
more gambling money
"With the winnings, we'll go to Disneyland!"
she says to 10-year-old Beckem as the chill Autumn wind rattles the
rotting windows.
-
A meth-addled burglar slaps down the old dear who confronts him as
he sprints away from the hotel, weighed down with his sportsbag of
purses and strong painkillers. Safely away from the area, he slumps into
a well-puddled alleyway and rifles through his booty, which is
illuminated by wisps of the night's half moon. As he gobbles a handful
dehydrocodeine and tramadol, he sees a bus pass tumble out of unclasped
purse. It reads 'Muriel Kitchener'. Pills tumble from his dry gob as he
remembers the strangled cry of the lady he'd back-handed in the
darkened lobby of the hotel. She hadn't said "aaarrrggghhhh", she'd
yelled "Mark!".
Tears race down his face as Mark pulls something
else from the purse- his mother- Muriel's- list of medications. Her
address on it is St Peter's Hospice. Realising now why the thing that
looked like a hotel was so full of rooms full of strong opioids, he
starts to climb to his feet, but slips on some mucoid fox shit and
smashes his head on the torn, weeded asphalt. As the fall and the
drugs send him into a deep concussion, sketches from his fairly happy
childhood play out in his consciousness- snowball fights with his
siblings in the Cairngorms, his mum teaching him how to play backgammon
after the younger ones' bedtime. A smile starts to spread on his broken
face but is soon censored by the claret pouring from his scalp. His
final thought is 'why was backgammon not enough for me?'.
After
paramedics pronounce Muriel Kitchener, 63, dead at the scene of the
assault, they respectfully load her body into the ambulance, making sure
to cover the massive wound which had cost her her life afted she'd
fallen from the blow and broken her skull on the homemade otter doorstop
her grandson- Mark's son- had painstakingly chiselled for her from
Cairngorms slate.
The ambulance is driven away. As the paramedics head for the hospital mortuary, a call comes in across the radio.
"Crew
14? Can you pick up a second body please mate? Yeah I know. White male,
34, junkie, found dead by an off duty GP in an alleyway. Cheers.
Cheers.
Yeah. I know"
.......
-
Straw man beaten to death on bus "got off lightly."
-
As deadline day for the CaB Christmas Annual looms rapidly,
BlodwynPig desperately tries to complete his contribution but is
overwhelmed by the tidal wave of new material appearing by the hour.
Opens tab and types "Carol Vorderman nudey fakes"
-
Thirteen-year-old Thomas A boy makes himself a Mini Cheddar sandwich for lunch, sans butter. Dad watches TV, smoking. It is Christmas Day.
-
Drawn by the sound of muffled sobbing, Joss Ackland's daughter,
Floss Ackland, goes into her fathers study to find him slumped over his
Samsung.
"Oh, daddy - I told you not to google yourself. We all
still love you very much, and it's not your fault if your backpack is,
well, a little spunky."
-
A man who earns 60k a year, plus bonus, calls a woman a
'fat paki bitch' after she grabs all 5 of the heavily reduced
rotisserie chickens in the Preston branch of Sainsburys.
-
A former child actor goes to a fancy dress party dressed as the
character that briefly made them famous. Nobody recognises him. He finds
solace in snakebite and swearing at kitchen utensils.
-
He awakes from a dream about a girl he last saw thirty years ago, and realises that he will never see her again.
-
In a drunken a rage, a tramp that looks a bit like Ridley Scott kicks his dog into a coma.
Shakin'
Stevens lays awake, eyes wide open, staring into the dark. The
notion of death, its certainty, its finality, causes his stomach to
knot. Emptiness. The void. Coming for him - or rather, waiting patiently
for him at the end of his life. Tendrils of icy dread spread through
him. Here, in the cold darkness of 2am, he cannot escape the brutal
truth of his mortal nature. Eventually, death's grip on his mind begins
to loosen. He drifts off into a shallow sleep, dreaming of the time he
fingered a fan in his TISWAS dressing room.
-
An autistic virgin who uses a motorized wheelchair lies motionless
in bed during his first weekend at university and listens in horror as
his new roommate has sex ten feet away.
-
A note drops through the letterbox. TAKE YOUR MILK IN YOU STUPID FUCKING COW. She doesn't notice.
-
A schoolboy clutches the abandoned newborn to his chest as he races
towards the hospital. He knows he can make it if he keeps
going. He doesn't stop. Neither does the car.
-
A
schoolboy clutches the abandoned newborn to his chest as he races
towards the hospital. He knows he can make it if he keeps
going. He doesn't stop. Neither does the car.
Ronnie Corbett lunges for the breaks, but his foot hits the accelerator instead. He makes a face at the sound of the wet thud.
-
And it's "goodnight" from him.
-
I hope he at least says sorry.
-
A colourblind parcel clerk puts it all 'on mauve'.
-
A balding 46-year-old man spends most of his days loitering outside
Tesco's, wearing a stained Megadeth t-shirt, brown leather jacket, gray
jeans and plastic cowboy boots. His remaining hair is wet even when it
hasn't been raining. Carrier bag in each hand, containing only mangled
loaves of bread and packets of cigarettes. His face is locked in a
stunned rictus, like something ancient and malignant has gnawed at his
very core.
Perhaps he's just waiting for a lift, though - his
mother, a close friend, someone to share a kind word or shed a flicker
of light over his dank world? No, those passersby who bother to spare
him a thought at all know there is no such sanctuary. There is a tiny,
rotten bedsit to call "home" but there has never really been anyone
else. This is it for him. This is how he has spent his days since he was
kicked out of school at 16 for revealing a teste during assembly, and
this is how it will always be.
I mean, Megadeth are complete shit - what's he thinking?
-
An aging Paedophile finally out from prison puts the tape in the VHS and turns up the volume.
"A finger of fudge is just enough to ..." plays out as he passes into eternal slumber.
-
A struggling bookshop owner decides to stock John Grisham novels
despite recent controversial comments. Nobody notices.
-
A chimpanzee, enjoying its first experience of freedom after years
of captivity, climbs to the top of a log flume. It breathes in,
feeling the sweetness of the air in its lungs, and raises its arms to
the beautiful wide blue sky. Maybe tomorrow it will return to its
cage, but for now....
BANG
-
Sunday, 3.58pm. Wearing nothing but an ill fitting navy fleece and
beige ugg boots, Michael Barrymore stands and gazes vacantly at a
solitary discounted scotch egg in a deserted Londis. The distant peal of
sirens grows steadily louder.
-
A toddler pushes a yellow skittle up it's nose at another child's
birthday party. No one notices. It takes 6 months to fully dissolve. The
toddler never smells anything again.
-
(http://pbfcomics.com/archive_b/PBF152-Scorpy_the_Forest_Friend.gif)
-
(http://pbfcomics.com/archive_b/PBF246-Bee.gif)
-
Some real life desolation right here.
http://www.theguardian.com/uk-news/2014/oct/17/police-condemn-onlooker-tweet-photo-body-rail-london
-
An obese man slips in the shower and cracks his head open. The
resulting flow of blood is impeded by the torso of the Real Doll the man
was cleaning. The doll's blank eyes stare off into infinity. On the
sofa downstairs, the man's cat looks up at the sound of the fall then
goes back to licking its anus.
-
A bus driver goes to work armed with a baseball bat.
-
A bus driver goes to work without a baseball bat. Later that
day, while driving around Hyde Park Corner, he is attacked by a grizzly
bear.
-
A bus driver visits an aquarium with a baseball bat and starts whaling on the stingrays.
-
A homeless girl looks at a wedding dress.
-
A middle-aged man downloads Tor whilst his family are sleeping.
-
A lone dad of five year old boy and girl siblings notices his extreme fetish porn VHS isn't rewound.
-
An old jar of pickled eggs.
-
Today is Ron's 57th birthday. He's been on a run of bad luck
recently starting when he got laid off from his job. The only job he's
ever had. From the age of 16 until last year. No-one will hire a man of
Ron's years, not even with his perfect employment history. He's finding
things hard. Ah; the sound of the letter box. For once it sounds like
post, not the trickle of urine which seems to be the new thing with the
horrible kids from the estate. For the first time since... well, for the
first time in ages a smile plays across Ron's lips. He rushes to the
front door, eager to find out who has sent him a birthday card.
Stooping, he picks up the sole envelope. It doesn't look like a birthday
card. It is not. Inside the envelope is the repossession notice from
the bank. Fourteen days notice.
Happy birthday Ron.
-
Ron, trapped in a loveless marriage with a shrieking harpy,
discovers some late night solace through the XXX channels on his Virgin
Media M package. When his wife finds out, he swears blind that he
has no idea how it happened. Then comes the media. And
everyone knows. But not her.
-
A wounded man sees god in a shimmering pool of diesel in a potholed lane.
(http://cdn.inspireamaze.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/06/528869_416044941757424_473843323_n-620x.jpg)
Well, almost
-
Andi Peters carving a piece of gammon on QVC.
-
An elderly queer allows his dirtslot to be abused until it
prolapses. A single tear of clear spunk issues painfully from his
tired cock and drips onto a Toby Carvery receipt.
-
An overweight university student has sex with the Aspergic
girlfriend he met at in the anime club. After orgasming he sweatily
declares: "Dat sexy time tho! Lot better than fapping."
-
(http://i.ebayimg.com/23/!CF6I5b!!Wk~$(KGrHqZ,!hIE0fkiNNpQBNWrCzm,1Q~~_12.JPG)
-
Remembering a dead pet in the vinegar strokes.
-
Three weeks after a nasty car collision that broke both his legs and
his hands, lonely and sexually frustrated credit controller Julius, 31,
receives a message from his brother Carl. To his delight, Julius
discovers that he's going to get a visit from a professional sex worker
for the disabled as a birthday present. But when Carl gets round to
making the booking, he decides to give out his own address, then hires a
wheelchair, covers himself in bandages and waits.
-
Snooker player and oversized duodenum Shaun Murphy stumbles upon an
act of cottaging in a public toilet in Telford. His tiny cock twinges
for the first time in six years as it snaps against the waistband of his
stained 'Kevin Klein' boxers.
-
A pudding is found in an abandoned homestead.
-
In the year 2043, a minor celebrity, appearing on BBC's Who Do You Think You Are?, discovers that one of his ancestors invented Matteson's Fridge Raiders.
-
A medical school dropout spends his Tuesday evening arranging boxes
of eggs from caged hens into a jaunty shape under flickering strip
lighting. He is working in a generic food outlet store, specialising in
foodstuffs from neglected animals. The eggs are BOGOF. As he punctuates
the deal with a misfiring Pentel Pen, Dr Beth Hottits, his former
squeeze, simultaneously successfully removes a cancerous cyst from a
cute child's face in week two of her second foundation year.
-
Stag night coming up? (http://www.pissup.com/budapest/pestside-pimp/)
Pestside Pimp
Roll
like a Rockstar with this Pimped up Pissup package. You'll be met on
arrival in the city by a Limo & bottle of bubbly to set you opn the
way, and you'll pick up a girl on the way to the hotel for a ride to
remember. Next, onto our famous Steak & Tits, where you'll get fully
loaded with a couple of hot Hungarian honeys. To make it complete we
give you our famous Pissup Bar Guide with VIP Strip club entry activity
to make your weekend one to remember. And to finish off we'll take you
back to the airport for your return journey. Book now to guarantee
availability.
-
Dannevirke.
-
The school gym at Andy Murray's school reunion.
-
(https://pbs.twimg.com/media/B0KAOPtIEAEYVKL.jpg)
-
Stag night coming up? (http://www.pissup.com/budapest/pestside-pimp/)
FUCKING WINNER
I love the accompanying pictures of tubsters "enjoying" their VIP pissup.
-
Bruce Forsythe's left arm goes numb while watching the latest Strictly.
Hoping to relive the joys of his childhood, a middle-aged cunt scours Youtube for footage of Joey Deacon.
Schoolchildren on a coach laugh and point as a hunchbacked pensioner shuffles over the pelican crossing.
-
Bruce Forsythe's left arm goes numb while watching the latest Strictly.
Hoping to relive the joys of his childhood, a middle-aged cunt scours Youtube for footage of Joey Deacon.
Schoolchildren on a coach laugh and point as a hunchbacked pensioner shuffles over the pelican crossing.
Really?
-
Really?
I know for a fact that 2 out of 3 of those things have really happened.
-
Woke up to two Tinder matches!
One was an accidental swipe, unmatched.
Sent a nice message to the other. It was a prossie.
-
He buried the hawk in the field just behind the shed; went in, and went to bed
-
Going to a topiary of the toenails competition and finding that you
fiercest rival wins with a copy of your design. He then shags your wife
in the car park, up the wrong un.
-
a real life one.
a never to be sold Lostprophets album, in a
mostly abandoned shelf of usually the same cds nobody wants, in a
charity shop for a local home for people with downs syndrome.
-
a real life one.
a
never to be sold Lostprophets album, in a mostly abandoned shelf of
usually the same cds nobody wants, in a charity shop for a local home
for people with downs syndrome.
Oh, this is another thread highlight
(https://i1.sndcdn.com/artworks-000027716554-xhalr1-t120x120.jpg?e76cf77)
-
A check-shirted farmer adds a devil's toenail to the mini rockery
he's lovingly created far inside his paralysed wife's twitchless vagina.
She watches and blinks twice for no.
-
A man bumps into his own wife at an Insane Clown Posse concert.
-
The bbc news 24 presenter seems excitable - breaking news flashes
along the bottom of the screen..an air of anticipation - the words
scroll devastatingly into view
European Fiscal Report delayed
-
Dehydrated Bay City Roller trousers in a can just add vigilance.
-
A mostly empty bar. One of the elderly regulars suddenly keels over
on the fag burned red velvet booth seat and starts choking. His grown
son (an alcoholic builder) and his overweight wife jump up, alarmed,
while a waitress dashes to the phone to call 911. The other patrons turn
around in their seats, watching helplessly as a man dies in front of
them, wheezing and gurgling. The silence is only interrupted once, when a
man sitting alone, with as much gravitas and reverence as he can
muster, asks the waitress if he could get a pound of wings, hot.
-
A secretly depressed office-joker live-tweets his own suicide attempt.
-
A supermarket employee turns up for work.
-
The day after his daughter's funeral, a 36 year old man fails to provide ID for a bottle of value scotch.
-
Robbie Williams Live Tweets the birth of his second child.
-
A bus crashes into a bus.
-
A young girl sees her missing sister in her front garden only to find out later she's a bush that has taken human form.
-
The bolt gun operator at an abattoir sits in a corner of the
canteen, staring down into his coffee. Out of nowhere he remembers being
five and dreaming of one day being an astronaut. Hollow, he picks up
The Sun.
A duck chokes on a discarded condom.
A Goth at a Monday screening of Shoah.
-
A bald potbellied man pines for the unrequited eyelashes of a ginger girl from the bucket of a gruesome seat.
-
An IT technician in his mid-30s stages an imaginary wedding between
himself and the greasy pillow that he pretends is his primary school
crush who he has not seen in fifteen years and not spoken to ever.
-
A hedge fails to be noticed by a git.
-
(http://i.imgur.com/b3eB1VY.jpg)
-
Robbie Williams Live Tweets the birth of his second child.
Robbie Williams Live Tweets the death of his first child.
-
This happened today:
Being caught, by your dad, looking at
your penis through a magnifying glass instead of looking at a 1881
ordnance survey map of the village you grew up in. I should never have
given him a key to my flat.
-
Being haunted by the sinister police photo of 50 year old fugitive
Cemil Gölnüz in Düsseldorf airport then seeing the same face in the
deserted bathroom mirror
-
Juergen loves his pet cockatoo. The talk of guests staying at his
grotty Viennese hotel. It's the only true relationship he's had since
mama passed in '84 (year of the mullet growth).
Gudrun, the bird,
has started to bite in recent weeks but Juergen forgives her. Cuddling
up to her on the sofa to watch rapid vienna on TV.
Gudrun snaps
again, tearing skin from juergens pallid face. He reacts violently,
smothering the pet with a discarded Tom and Jerry wank sock.
The
bird lies stiff and motionless on the floor as Juergen hurtles through
the 5th floor window on to the empty wet pavement below
-
Two business trip anecdotes I'd thought I'd share
-
On the 5th anniversary of his wife's suicide, Jim buys porn from an
lorry fuel station. Later, in the back of his cab, the magazine falls
open at the centrefold and Jim stares into the eyes of his deceased
wife, wide open in surprise at taking a cock at least twice the size of
his.
-
An old man dying in a hospital bed shits himself on purpose so the
nurse will have to wipe his bottom and possibly even brush a hand
against the back of his haggard nutsack. He smiles.
-
Ian Duncan Smith.
-
Things are getting far too upbeat around here for my liking.
Desolation:
A balding man in ill-fitting suit eating a dessert in a deserted, cheap diner. His eyes briefly meet mine and I understand.
Desolation:
Me tonight! In a Bangladeshi in Cambridge. The power just went and I'm eating my curry in almost darkness
-
Me tonight! In a Bangladeshi in Cambridge.
I am sad to hear that it didn't work out with the Russian one.
-
An unemployed man spends his Friday evening writing an in-depth
Amazon review for the Farrah Abraham latex anus he recently purchased.
-
A family sit glumly on plastic chairs in a fossil museum in
Anglesey, watching an ancient VHS tape of a Derek Griffiths-narrated
children's documentary about fossils. The TV has malfunctioned in that
way that very old CRT TV's often did, and it can only display the colour
green.
Torrential rain hammers on the corrugated iron roof making the sound of the video almost impossible to hear.
-
Coming home from his wife's funeral, Jimmy merely grunts when the
sitter tells him that Ellie has been a good girl. Later, he looks
into the cot and sees that the baby has kicked off her blanket. He
draws it back up over her face to reunite her with her mother.
-
A GP and a charity events organiser name their baby son Kindred.
-
A fat, middle aged cat-woman with pudding-bowl hair, frumpy
cardigan, thick tights and orthopaedic shoes, sits training a new
starter for a Data Input job at a windswept Basingstoke Industrial
Estate. On her desk, a mid-80s picture of Donny Osmond doing 'that
smile' accompanies an unwashed Bagpuss and a copy of Rudyard Kipling's
'If,' badly-photoshopped onto a psychadelic cat.
She sits all
day with her fat, chafed, corn beef legs crushed together in a
specially-adapted chair, stuffing her face with scotch eggs and bad
Haribo. Possessing only one set of work clothes, she absolutely reeks of
piss and sadness.
The new starter goes for a cigarette break on their second day and never comes back.
-
Being the workplace joker in a concentration camp.
-
A Rotherham couple name their daughter Ebola.
-
It's 10:53pm and a Doctor is on his way to the off license. He sees a
woman collapse across the road from him. He keeps on walking.
-
A man wearing Halloween face paint buys a single packet of pork scratchings in Tesco Express.
-
Telford's blotchiest couple block-book a musty Malaga villa for the first week in August for the next 17 summers.
-
A pack of Huggies Newborn in a cornershop fails to be sold for a 9th successive year.
-
A man in his 50s eats a bowl of sugarpuffs.
-
At the age of thirty-seven, she realises that she'll never ride
through Paris in a sports car with the warm wind in her hair.
-
An obese man on his way to the market attempts to flatten his
unwashed hair using his fingers as a comb before giving up and walking
toward the door.
-
An
obese man on his way to the market attempts to flatten his unwashed
hair using his fingers as a comb before giving up and walking toward the
door.
and buys a couple of boxes of sugar puffs - "for the kiddies" he whispers to the assistant.
-
Good natured Malcolm holds a free firework display in the local
park. Half way through, the small crowd begins to dwindle. "Fucking
shit!" a young boy shouts out. His mum laughs.
-
A baked bean sits in its juice on the inside window ledge of a Megabus.
-
Asking your friends to describe your personality as a Batman villain and they come up with, 'The Skeletoid Paederast'.
-
http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-england-29895649
Also being sold is James's customised Astra van and Raleigh Chopper bikes.
-
An Algerian rapist forces his way into some sheltered housing and
buggers a 93 year old woman in her own bed. It is the first time a cock
has been in her in 85 years.
-
Fucking hell! ^^
Can someone please use the word 'guy' or 'guys'? Thanks.
-
A Suede fan remembers the 'glory years'.
-
A middle-aged trainspotter loses his entire collection of notebooks in a house fire.
An
unemployed butcher spends Wednesday afternoon hiding pages of
pornography inside books in the large print section of Street library.
A car crash survivor emerges from a coma and realises there is nothing.
-
Having been impressed by the erudite discussion on BBC radio four,
Jim sinks his redundancy money into fitting the front room of his modest
semi-detached with a built in library.
A year later, having
filled the shelves with wonderful hardback volumes of canonical literary
texts, he trips over a stack of Jethro DVDs in the living room, bumps
his head and goes blind.
-
Barny Summer was sitting in the canteen talking to Peyonce who he
fancied but would never do anything about when in came Nigel Hannon, his
enemy and 6 inches bigger.
"I think someone's already sitting
here, Barny", said Nigel and pushed Barny off the bench with such a
force that he landed square on the floor with his head in his
Mulligatawny.
Barny stormed off wiping bits of lentils and rice from his face and eating them.
-
After 18 months inside for stealing a chaffinch, Warren sticks a
candle into a lopsided Rustlers hamburger and sings happy birthday to
himself.
-
Les Dennis invited you to play Bubble Witch 2 Saga.
-
Prematurely bald, but likeable young priest Keith Flange runs a
church youth club every Friday night. On a dark November evening
after all the kids have gone home, he makes himself a broccoli and
cheese cup-a-soup, logs onto the communal PC, and types 'Big Boobs' into
Youtube.
-
Jesper, a 42 year old man-child comforts himself by watching old VHS tapes of Robot Wars Series 1 and 2.
-
Bald, ugly virgin Jeff Fence, 47, stands in his dead father's
brothel creepers at his favourite Middlesbrough railway station - weak
lemon drink in hand - photographing Diesel Trains with a disposable
camera purchased from Lidl. A bunch of schoolkids shout 'Paedophile!' at
him from a passing bus, whilst a disabled seagull pecks at rancid chips
a few feet away from him.
-
A down-on-his-luck, out of work office joker paints his left knee
green with wallpaper stripper whilst waiting in for his order of a
sub-standard monkey wrench from eBay with which to extract his own
wisdom teeth.
A mortally wounded chicken litters his deeply-grimed patio.
-
In 2010 he was voted one of the funniest poker players on Twitter by Bluff Magazine.
-
In a blustery storm, some pink crotchless knickers fly off a washing line and land on a dying hedgehog.
-
An opponent takes Australia during the first round of Risk.
-
Your ex girlfriend posts a photo of her new boyfriend on Twitter. His name is Gary, and he's a marketing executive at Audi.
-
An almost precisely cube-headed bald man has a minor fight or flight
response after being jokingly intimidated by a group of loitering
easymen.
-
An ironmonger sells a watering can to himself out of boredom.
-
-A living room is repainted from beige to canary yellow
-Dennis Bergkamp spends eighteen minutes trying to choose cheese
-A field decides to leave
-A youth faints at the smell of urine from the gentleman's toilets at Sheffield train station
-A horse lays down and dies
-
An ironmonger sells a watering can to himself out of boredom.
And he never notices that all the colour has been bleached out of every cardboard box in his display window.
He puts the ladders out front and chains them together. He's never sold one.
He is advertising the shit out of the place, though:
https://plus.google.com/105047259051265496408/about?gl=uk&hl=en
-
Bad Haribo.
BBC Three
9pm
New Series Episode 1 of 6
Livelihood
threatened by the opening of a Costcutter next door, near-bankrupt
sweetshop owner Ralfie Vickers (Jack Whitehall) tries to attract new
customers by hosting a glittering revue 'Dancing with the (Mars) bars'.
Guest starring Carol Lee Scott. (Subtitles)
-
A small minded village shop assistant expressess an ill thought out
opinion to a one time member of the Goombay dance band. There is a
resigned nod of mutual agreement about the apparent connection of the
over filling of wheelie bins and benefit tourism and an air of
anticipation as the former troubadour waits for the stale bread to
be reduced in price. One of them remembers they have never been to
Swanage.
-
An old man goes to spend a Woolworths gift voucher only to find a Poundland has replaced it.
-
Hugh Dennis is a welcome addition to the cast.
-
Two soulmates finally cross one another's path- hours after their
wish to become invisible and shelter themselves from the cruel, killer's
world of earth is granted. Their elbows graze as they pass. They put
this down to the chafing winds of Bridlington, then go back to
surreptitiously pulling out clumps of candy floss from adjacent snack
hutches.
-
A morbidly obese, autistic German teen wins a once-in-a-lifetime
trip to the confectionary factory of a wild-haired eccentric American.
However, he tragically drowns in a river of chocolate whilst a troupe of
bizarre orange dwarves sing a song about what a greedy bastard he was.
-
A grown man posts Anime pictures on a forum, year in, year out.
-
Three grown men go to see a children's movie about animated ponies,
complains to the management about the noise made by rest of the patrons,
girls aged 5-8.
-
A fat, balding, unwashed and crumpled Les Dennis showing signs of
rosacea exits a bus at an ill-placed stop on a rain swept dual
carriageway. His thin blue and white plastic bag contains ointment and
tissues. Eyes bloodshot and perpetually tear-filled, thankfully no-one
notices amid the downpour.
He ambles into the maelstrom of
passing vehicles knowing without question that he will make it to the
other side regardless of his deliberately slowed pace.
-
A seven-year old pushes his worn-out VHS tape of Richie Rich into
the machine for the hundredth time that month. His favourite actor
is John Larroquette.
A man stares blankly at a packet of brown
Basmatti rice in the supermarket and suddenly remembers the time his mum
drowned his younger twin siblings in the bathtub.
A forty-eight
year old geography teacher turns up to class wearing a shirt that reads
"Tough Guys" on the back, flanked by tiger-print lightning.
An
awkward, introverted man finally overcomes decades of crippling social
anxiety and manages to say "have a nice evening" to a woman on the
street. Next day he clicks on a link:
http://youtu.be/b1XGPvbWn0A
-
A man listens to the new Pink Floyd album expecting a disco extravaganza.
-
An autistic fig roll enthusiast can't find any independent fig roll manufacturers who are willing to sell to him.
-
A kayak hire shack in Dorset with two celebrity endorsement messages
on the wall, saying what a great time they had there. One of which is
by "Kevin Spacy".
That one is true. I can't remember who the other celebrity was.
-
Racist, hump-backed 93-year old ex-dinner lady Ethel Clout spits hot
Humbug shrapnels into a black carer's face at a Rotherham nursing home,
after they turn down 'Antiques Roadshow' by two notches.
Bald,
autistic virgin Clive Herbert, 59, wraps up his own presents two days
before christmas - all second-hand Hornby Trains purchased from the
parents of a recently-deceased Leukemia sufferer.
Cheery Danish
school teacher Stig Plaap, who grew up with a Romanticised view of
England through watching Mr Bean and Harry Potter films, starts his
first teaching job in the UK at a Hackney Comprehensive, during the
second week of a ferocious race riot.
-
a paedophile realises that the child he's travelled back in time to
fiddle with is his young self, and amidst the clarifying, primal screams
of repressed horror battling sickening realisation, lets out a
"what-a-delicious-what-came-first-chicken(paedo-me)-or-the-egg(young
me)"-type hearty chuckle.
-
An old man lays dying in his hospice bed. His last thoughts are of
his collection of used boy's swimming trunks secreted in a shoe box at
the bottom of his wardrobe at home and its inevitable discovery by his
daughters.
A bored weightlifter punches a gerbil. Really puts his shoulder into it.
-
Jobriath Pogson, an unbelievable simpleton finally realises he can
open the door using the shiny thing in the middle of it. This, after 23
years feeding off captured pigeons from his window ledge, shitting off
the precipice and decorating his room in tears.
On the other side
of the door he sees some small floors descending into darkness and
another shiny thing in the middle of another door, and retreats hastily
back to his lair.
-
A teenager is introduced to the music of Oasis.
A man sells
his beloved vinyl collection that he had built up over the course of 20
years. The money he receives is gone within 25 minutes,
shovelled into a Wetherspoons fruit machine. He sits at a table to
finish his pint of Carling. 3 minutes later he watches as a
braying accountant sticks a single quid in to the same machine and wins
£125.
A man cites draught Fosters as his favourite ever drink.
-
A
kayak hire shack in Dorset with two celebrity endorsement messages on
the wall, saying what a great time they had there. One of which is by
"Kevin Spacy".
That one is true. I can't remember who the other celebrity was.
Chris Harris?
-
A man with a head like a boiled egg makes Joe shit himself.
-
Cold snot.
-
A
man sells his beloved vinyl collection that he had built up over the
course of 20 years. The money he receives is gone within 25
minutes, shovelled into a Wetherspoons fruit machine. He sits at a
table to finish his pint of Carling. 3 minutes later he
watches as a braying accountant sticks a single quid in to the same
machine and wins £125.
Christ...soon to be me.
-
Jazzie B dancing for pennies and backwashed lager spit from a
guffawing crowd of accentless, SuperDry-daubed twatsters. His silhouette
won't sashay with him.
-
Monday night, 11pm. A man holds court at the bar of a
Wetherspoons in Manchester. "I fuckin' love it 'ere. I 'ate it but I'm
barred from every other pub in town". Meanwhile, a woman in the corner
is genuinely excited about being in Wetherspoons for the first time.
-
A lonely, unemployed man spends Valentines Day morning watching for
the postman. Eventually he realises the card he meant to post to himself
is still in his coat pocket. Smaller, he returns to his Cash In The Attic marathon. In Swansea.
-
A man is beaten unconscious with a tin of dog food
A Polish sex worker buys a vhs box set of Friends for 50p.
A Prader Willi sufferer buys 11 jars of Shippam's ham flavoured paste
-
A Polish sex worker buys a vhs box set of Friends for 50p.
A Prader Willi sufferer buys 11 jars of Shippam's ham flavoured paste
No,
fucking hell. This is the best couple of sentences I've read since Mein
Kampf. Fucking hell. Like being kicked right in the stomach by a buck
goat. Thwump, Wooph, Pwow.
-
The last survivor of an undiscovered species of dolphins swims past a
garbage vortex in the middle of the Pacific Ocean and dies after a used
condom lodges in its blowhole.
-
The used condom of a marine biologist having an affair.
-
A zoophile marine biologist cheating on his pregnant wife with the female dolphin he's been researching.
-
A man who pretends he's a marine biologist when people chance upon
him molesting a dead beached Whale on Prestatyn beach by using it's
blowhole for an unhygenic purpose other than nature had intended.
-
Daniel O'Reilly, now 45, sits alone in his flat with the curtains
drawn, scrolling through the comments on a youtube clip of himself from
ten years past. There is a slight tremor in his hands as he uncrumples a
piece of paper with the words "CELEBRITY EGGHEADS" scrawled on it above
a phone number. It's a good one, his agent tells him. He could be on a
team with Halifax Howard and Joe Swash if they're available. "Proper
moist" he whispers, tears welling.
-
Stuart lies on the bed, tracing the cracks in the cell's ceiling.
The rhythmic creak of springs and a familiar pattern of rapid, shallow
breathing emanates from the bunk below. Not again, Rolf, he thinks as tears well in his eyes. Then: This is how it ends.
-
Brian Harvey grips harder as he wanks onto the 37 year old cesarean
scarred belly of an East 17 fan, unable to cum due to 20 years of
abusing ecstasy.
-
A seven-year old Dick Emery fan is told to fuck off by Dick Emery at Margate Pier in the summer of 1981.
A
promising young footballer chokes on his own vomit in the toilets of
Yeovil Aerodrome, after a Millenium barn-dance hosted by Jet from
Gladiators descends into an all-night rave, having failed to be
properly-policed.
-
An unsure and unconvincing transvestite takes the plunge and heads
to Asda in full regalia, the first time he has been across the
door as 'Melinda'. One of the soles of his 'fuck me' boots
detaches itself and flaps about, attracting unwanted attention and
causing him so much inner turmoil he takes an overdose later that
evening.
A farmer introduces his calloused erection into the mouth of a newly born calf.
A group of first year students start an ill advised conga line.
-
bang...cuntbeaks does it again
-
calloused erection
Is this even possible? May be a question for the cottaging thread.
-
A 50 year old man punches through a window at a Student Quiz Night
because he didn't get credit for Manhunter being the first Hannibal
Lecter movie. He's the founder of and sole member of the quiz team "Quiz
My Arse".
-
A 23-year-old man gets a full color tattoo of the Family Guy character Quagmire and the text "Giggity Giggity" on his left bicep.
-
A drunken tramp with a prosthetic leg starts a fight with his own
reflection in the shattered windows of a derelict Aberdeen Bowling
Alley, before voiding his bowels near the burnt out husk of a Nissan
Sunny. It is Christmas Morning.
-
A pink, bulbous man in his late fifties licks the porridge from the
bottom of a bowl while a cum shot compilation DVD silently plays behind
him on his 60inch plasma.
-
Out-of-work SAAB Salesman Derek Tiswas, 51, is called a 'stupid
fucking twat' by his autistic, pasty-faced teenage son, directly
underneath a framed picture of the two of them having the best day ever
at 'Bob the Builder World' in 2003.
-
A middle-aged teacher of an unruly sixth-form class spends his own money on a field trip to try and win their respect:
Police Say Stabbing of History Teacher in Dickens World, Chatham Was Justified
-
Jazzie
B dancing for pennies and backwashed lager spit from a guffawing crowd
of accentless, SuperDry-daubed twatsters. His silhouette won't sashay
with him.
Are you in Bournemouth?
(https://scontent-a-ams.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-xpf1/v/t1.0-9/s720x720/10357118_4789994804801_3668256188114529905_n.jpg?oh=c7d0cbf56331fa5d4782845982b5171e&oe=54E249C0)
-
A man goes 'spinning' three times a week after work. He hasn't got a fucking clue why.
-
Are you in Bournemouth?
(https://scontent-a-ams.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-xpf1/v/t1.0-9/s720x720/10357118_4789994804801_3668256188114529905_n.jpg?oh=c7d0cbf56331fa5d4782845982b5171e&oe=54E249C0)
I wish!
looks like B still has a plum position in the muzik market. No begging for he, soz Jazzy!
-
A pale faced nerdy teenager walks along the streets alone at night
in the slums of Kent. Only the sounds of his own footsteps can be heard.
He strides to the only takeaway still open, a kebab house. On the way
back he ponders what he is doing in his life and why Chatham is such a
desolate shithole. It will be his University home for the next year.
:(
-
Office joker Ken goes whack-a-doodle at a high-level board meeting
and spends the next 36 years of his life incarcerated in a mental health
institution.
-
Looking out the front window at his neighbours unsightly hired skip,
Arthur observes a man in a 1980's Ford Granada pull up, calmly roll
down his window and unceremoniously lob a dead monkey onto the mounting
pile of detritus before speeding off.
-
Several years after the death of Michael Jackson, Bubbles the Monkey
II (Bubbles I was violently drowned by Michael during a PCP induced
rage in Dolly Parton's fouled Jacuzzi) was reportedly being toured round
Jakarta as part of a lucrative and thriving bestial sex trade.
-
A human Indonesian sex slave suddenly realizes that, due to its
exoticness and celebrity pedigree, she is being rented out at a lower
rate than the shaved chimpanzee in the next room.
-
During her bi-monthly supervised visit to her children. A heroin
addict tries to amuse her twin six year olds by joing up the dots on her
arms. If this vein holds up I can get the manger for the nativity scene
at Christmas she thinks to herself as she is escorted off the premises
of care home.
-
A 43 year old Nuneaton man submits a crude crayon drawing of a baby
owl to Blue Peter, wins the badge, then sells it on Gumtree a week later
for £7 to a man with severe downs syndrome
-
A child's trike lies rusting in an over-growing garden as a woman,
her age keeping pace with its decay, gently stirs milk and tea together
in a silent house. Her husband will be home soon, she thinks. Her brow
tightens, and the corner of her mouth breaks free of its shackles for a
moment. A sigh. Wash the spoon.
-
A buxom plain-Jane supply teacher with the early onset of alopecia
scrubs splattered cat shit from her skirting boards to the strains of
Erasure's 'Respect,' under an unsympathetic strip light. Her e-harmony
inbox remains empty.
-
The manager of a sewage works in Port Glasgow decides to save money
this year by having the works Christmas lunch on site. On November
the 12th. As the workers gather around a makeshift dining table
in his office to carve the turkey, the wind backs north-westerly and an
overpowering stench of human faecal matter assails their nostrils.
(Merry Christmas, everyone!)
-
A
buxom plain-Jane supply teacher with the early onset of alopecia scrubs
splattered cat shit from her skirting boards to the strains of
Erasure's 'Respect,' under an unsympathetic strip light. Her e-harmony
inbox remains empty.
That's like a fine wine.
-
Joseph walks hurriedly past the crowd of cruel, taunting fellow
pupils as they harass him mercilessly over his baggy, over-sized 'Oxfam'
trousers. In his haste, he trips over the trousers, which fall
around his ankles as he collapses face first into a muddy puddle.
The growing crowd burst into rapturous laughter.
-
Joseph
walks hurriedly past the crowd of cruel, taunting fellow pupils as they
harass him mercilessly over his baggy, over-sized 'Oxfam'
trousers. In his haste, he trips over the trousers, which fall
around his ankles as he collapses face first into a muddy puddle.
The growing crowd burst into rapturous laughter.
(http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/en/a/ab/Unlucky-Alf.JPG)
Bugger!!
Has anyone mention the movie 'The Mist' yet?
-
A man spends three quid on a 'grande latte to go' every single morning on his way to work. He hasn't got a fucking clue why.
-
A quadroplegic ex-paratrooper has a fit and topples out of his wheelchair on stage, during an infant school awards ceremony.
WWII
veteran Bert Sugden, 92, is forced to sell his war medals just to put
his entry level Nissan Almera through yet another MOT.
A wheezing Frank Bough lookalike fails to find the laminate flooring he was looking for in a Northern B&Q.
-
Port Glasgow
Ooft, keep it light.
-
An excerpt of a genuine crime report from the Greenock Telegraph on an assault in Port Glasgow[1]:
"Mrs
Myra Rancier (36) told the court....she had not seen everything as she
was blind in one eye, was drinking Super Lager and had been reading Bunty comics at the time."
Some place, the Port.
-
An unsent love letter from 1953 sits crisply tucked within the pages
of an obscure library book that has not been checked out in the
fifty-one years since it was quietly returned by the parents of the
lovelorn letter-writer in the weeks following his fatal car accident.
-
Cab driver arrives ever night at the neighbour's house.
Bit old, swear it's a bingo job. Can only say the shadows in sickly, amber light.
A series of three beeps (thrice). A twitch of curtain, strands of old web, peeling. No sign of spider(s). All day of night.
Bit dusty.
Interrupted sleeps, all times of the day or of the night. Bible moist at fallen point on tongue. Or Koran. Or the other one.
Beeping.
Cab driver, all cheery like. Headlights. Beeping. All cheery like.
Win at the bingo.
Nana, gaunt, shipped off to Viva le Portugal. Oxygen sent on private plane, which fucking crashes on an island.
Cruise ship, Ebola hell. Lockdown. Nana, gaunt.
Jewish
lawyer. Get outta here. Big hair. Carlito cunt. Smack some Daddio in
some hutch pinned, get-outta-here, street punk, pool ball shit. Larceny
1990's style brazen robbery.
Volvo up the mountain to the boss.
Pop a cork in his ass.
Bar.
The end.
-
in the fifty-one years since it was quietly returned
10 years late? Fine-dodging bastards.
-
There's a queue of silent students in orange jumpsuits outside next door
because they're having
a Guantanamo Bay themed party.
-
10 years late? Fine-dodging bastards.
Most poetic thing I've ever written, ruined by a careless error...
-
A circus-ugly Aviation fan in his mid-60s leaps to his death from a
boarded up MG-Rover dealership after discovering his Thai real doll has
ditched him for another man.
A double-amputee in a cheap Matalan
suit watches helplessly as 2 orphaned ducklings are sucked into a
relentless vortex of used condoms and 8-Ace cans.
Call Centre
worker Kim, 36 - described as 'Bubbly' on her Match profile - sits
crying on the dank stairs of a Working Men's Club in Stockport, during a
poorly-attended Britpop Revival Night.
-
A loving grandmother sets out a tray of home-made mince pies for her
extended family to celebrate the first Christmas they have all been
together in 20 years.
They remain lonely and uneaten because mince pies are shit, like.
-
The toffest man on the estate is challenged to an arrogant braying
competition by a jumped up johnny from a minor public school. What is
worse because of a cock up with the caterers the mineral water arrives
in plastic bottles instead of glass - the horror, the horror.
-
Darren wakes up early and bounds out of bed. Just yesterday he
managed to find an uncracked egg and half a loaf of bread in the local
shop’s bin. His toes curl in delight at the prospect of actually being
able to have breakfast for once: he’s not eaten in three days.
He
rushes downstairs to his dilapidated, grime encrusted kitchen. He
fumbles for a match and lights the hob - he should have just enough gas
left on the meter to cook one egg - fills a pan with water and gently
places it inside. Whilst the egg is cooking he sets to carefully cutting
the slices of bread into what will become magnificent toasty soldiers,
marching down towards his stomach to conquer the all-too-familiar
feeling of hunger.
Finally, the egg and toast are done. He takes
the egg out of the pan and pops it into a makeshift holder constructed
from warped cardboard. The soldiers line up alongside the feast, alert
and ready for action. Darren grabs a spoon and swiftly chops the top of
the egg. Its contents dribble morosely out. The egg is rotten and only
partially cooked. Dejected, Darren falls back in his chair and begins to
weep.
-
An ageing alcoholic music agent who's about to hit rock bottom
rushes into his offices with surprising news "I've just signed the next
big thing! We've already scored the next big Levi Jeans advert for their
first single, they're called Stiltskin - these guys are going places!"
-
An
ageing alcoholic music agent who's about to hit rock bottom rushes into
his offices with surprising news "I've just signed the next big thing!
We've already scored the next big Levi Jeans advert for their first
single, they're called Stiltskin - these guys are going places!"
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OxVPhaJtL8o (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OxVPhaJtL8o)
-
Most poetic thing I've ever written, ruined by a careless error...
A
forum poster does not see any difference between 2004 and 2014. His
subconscious dismissal of a decade is a clue to the desolation of those
years. Vacant time and the passing of numbers. No progression, only
squander.
-
Children In Need. Fucked.
-
A middle-aged Kiwi women cleaning her son's room finds a warm
deconstructed mince pie under his pillow and wishes she had left his
socks where she'd found them.
-
A retired butcher with protein on the brain lures a woodlouse into a
matchbox to douse her in woodlouse tenderiser made out of wankstains.
Distilled wankstains.
-
In an East London Frappuccino & Fusion drinkerie, a major
publishing house's chief exec shakes hands with the owner of The LAD
Bible website over a deal to transcribe its most legendary exploits from
shaky video clip to cheerily-coloured paper. Their waitress notices
their lack or irises, before turning the gun on herself.
-
An elderly weasel with 'Beadle's hand' struggles to access the
remnants of a discarded Nik Nak packet on the perimeter of a foggy
Norfolk airfield, and dies soon after.
-
A cancerous and cold pigeon crawls into an empty loaf wrapper to die
-
A bi-polar single mum-of-4 is served an eviction notice 3 days
before Christmas by a flat-footed Lesbian with Ian Curtis hair.
A
young ginger-haired virgin in NHS spectacles and club foot is run over
by a Triumph Toledo outside the Wigan branch of Food Giant in 1977,
after the elderly driver has a heart attack and dies at the wheel.
-
At the beginning of a long coach trip, a man who really likes mints realises he has lost his tube of Polos.
-
Kim Kardashian's book of selfies.
-
Three months after completing his graduate thesis analyzing the
photographs of his heroes Henri Cartier-Bresson and Brassaï, a
twenty-eight-year-old man working as an unpaid intern arranges a row of
carrot sticks and celery on the craft services table for the Kim
Kardashian "Break the Internet" photoshoot.
-
Nottingham, 2014. A 35 year old overweight and chin-strap bearded
man in a white 'O2' rugby shirt with the collar turned up feels a
strange stirring in his groin when his tall and chiselled brother in law
smilingly brings him his eighth pint of watery Carling.
-
A man gets the lead role in a critically-acclaimed Oscar-winning
film. He doesn't win any awards himself, but his performance in
the film's big emotional climax is reductively memorialised in other
ways: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Q9UDVyUzJ1g
-
Roger Grime, a 49 year old foster carer, mulls over whether to try
and explain what he has just done to 7 year old Cassie, to his long
suffering wife, Sheila, or just to club her to death with the same
shovel.
-
Legs numb from 30 minutes of sitting on the toilet trying to beat
Level 302 of Candy Crush, spending £17.99 on extra lives and various
helpers, Dave Walsh, a particularly greasy 46 year old self proclaimed
"Life and Soul of the Party", throws his work issue iPhone 4s at the
cold white tiled walls, it smashes into hundreds of pieces, he starts to
cry thinking about how he is going to explain it to his boss on Monday.
-
A middle aged man stands in his darkened childhood (and current)
bedroom, glimpsing through the subtly contrived spaces between his
curtains as the blisteringly pretty, whorishly dressed, yet virginal
young girl over the road closes a taxi door as she heads out for another
unimaginable night on the town.
He turns back to the perpetual
empty darkness of his room and soul, masturbates to the thought of her
then shovels cake into his face while playing online Boggle with a
Swedish man until he hears her return some 5 hours later, whence he
attempts a frenzied repeat of the self pollution, desperately charting
her progress though the building catching glimpses of her as she closes
curtains and finally heads upstairs.
He finishes himself off 3
minutes after the last sign of movement has passed, eyes angrily fixated
on her darkened window with a mixture of frustrated rage and aching
desire, flecks of foam at the corners of the mouth, tears welling in his
sockets, jizz on his grey slacks.
Bjorn has disconnected.
Insomnia decides to join him in his rotten cot, it shall be his only such companion.
-
Unremarkable office worker Anton, 39, desperately runs to catch his
morning train, the motion of which causes the lid to fly off his
tupperware dish of leftover vindaloo, spilling the entire contents
all over his manbag, trousers, shoes and the platform. The uncaring
train rolls slowly away, containing a beautiful redhead that he loves.
Engrossed on Level 387 of Candy Crush, she's utterly oblivious to his
existence.
As he desperately struggles with a wax jacket to mop
up the slop, he catches sight of his own reflection in a nearby window,
and accepts that he'll die alone.
-
A middle aged man, respected in his community and loved by his kind
but ugly family accidentally hits "share on Facebook" above a
particularly nasty bit of bestial pornography on a long-used but
recently socially networked website. in his desperation to clear the
shared link from his profile, he inadvertently records and posts a video
of his frantic endeavours, revealing to the world his penchant for
ladies support hosiery and hello kitty makeup.
-
A fat, elderly Kilmarnock paedophile in an egg-stained 'Who's The
Daddy?' T-shirt, slowly trundles on his mobility scooter past a dead
badger on the boarded up housing estate where his uncle first fondled
him.
A buck-toothed Monty Don lookalike loses the plot and
smashes up his expensive Warhammer figures with a broken toaster, after
being shunned by a fat ugly local woman on Tinder. After eventually
regaining his composure, he sits crying in the dark surrounded by tiny
shattered Orcs.
-
Martin's attempt to make himself feel better by donating to a UK
charity which helps to keep pensioners warm this winter only makes him
feel worse when his first newsletter arrives featuring a picture of
87-year old Ethel Maynard's blackened, smouldering corpse.
From
the accompanying letter he discovers that his fifty pound donation had
been used to help purchase Ethel a new front room heater with an
undiscovered technical fault. He reads on to discover that Ethel and her
cat Bernard had been burnt alive in the ensuing blaze. Her face is
permanently seared into a mocking Joker-esque leer, as she stares back
at him from her melted armchair. 'I did this' he thinks, sadly.
-
A professional Ricky Gervais lookalike gorges on half-cold takeaway
in his Vauxhall Astra, attempting to fill the void inside himself. He
tells himself that the calories from the greasy chips will be offset by
his exertions during the dance - the closer to the act he has just performed at an office Xmas party for Clarks shoes.
-
A 29-year-old man with a peach-fuzz attempt at a mustache types and
then deletes the number for the local police as he sits indecisively
fuming over the fact that the residue in the pair of used panties he
bought online is most certainly not authentic.
-
John Fashanu bursting into his utility room then yelling 'AWOOGA' to a crescent of broken dolls.
-
Kris Akabusi's honking laugh ruins a childs funeral.
-
An 19 year old alcoholic cries tears of self pity as he drains the
last bottle of hand sanitizer he stole from the local hospital when he
was visiting his now dead Grandfather... The only person who ever loved
him.
An emaciated pup is eaten alive by its own mother after
their owner goes on an impromptu holiday to Fuengirola, and is strangled
to death by a male prostitute, his remains are never found.
A tramp picks out and eats the recognisable bits of pepperoni from a puddle of vomit. They're still warm.
-
Purple Aki tries his luck on the retro music hall scene by renaming
himself Purple Askey. He tries to tell the social he hasn't been working
on the side but at the tribunal he hasn't got a leg to stand
on..... I honestly don't know which part of this rambling shite is more
desolate, my weak joke or that there might he a music hall revival.... I
thang yew.
-
NASA announce 'that's it'.
-
The day after her dream wedding, 29 year old trainee social worker
Megan Spinks discovers her husband uses the word "darkies" as a racial
epithet.
-
A troubled schoolboy calls a member of Combat 18 'mum'.
-
A surprisingly hirsute university lecturer in his mid-40s sits in a
Ned's Atomic Dustbin t-shirt at 3am on New Year's Day, reading gay Noddy
fan fiction and bemoaning his still-intact virginity.
A
grotesquely ugly simpleton in his 30s, with stumps for teeth and the
mental age of a child, stands in a bus queue with his hands down his
pants, trying to engage a repulsed young female student into a
conversation about murdering prostitutes on 'Grand Theft Auto'
-
Every day, a hirsute bespectacled lady, gets up from her
seat on the train a full 5 minutes before her stop. She lives alone
save for her faithful German Shepherd, The Major. On returning the
dog is keen with hunger, the same as everyday. It knows the
procedure. She smears the pouch of dog food into her unkempt
twat, as far in as she dares, and sits on the edge of a soiled
armchair.
The Major needs no invitation and greedily laps
up the Winalot Prime, just as he has done every day of his 12 year
life. That's 84 in dog years.
-
That's 84 in dog years.
That went from bleak to "fucking hell" quickly.
-
I really really hope this venture works but every time I see the thread, I get a little knot forming in my stomach.
http://www.cookdandbombd.co.uk/forums/index.php/topic,39252.0.html
-
A man visits North Eastern Hungary in the early winter, and standing
among the horizon's fill of brown thickets, gnarled dead branches,
clumps of grass and untilled land, realises in the fog and space that
hugs him like a wreath of cold, that the desolation is surrounding.
-
On the Northern line, a Chinaman falls asleep and dreams of liquid latex.
-
A 6'7 schizophrenic man strips naked in a Disney Store at 4:56pm on
Christmas Eve, and is tasered by police in front of an autistic step
child.
A deaf young offender receives 'The Best of Olly Murs' as a Secret Santa gift.
-
A 33 old Ricky Gervais lies in his bedroom cackling over Viz's
Profanisaurus "AHAHAHAH Spaniels EEEEEAAARSS!! Wizard's SLEEEEEEAAVE!"
The next day he goes into school/college/university/work and slips them
into conversation pretending he made them up.
-
A man wakes up in Ipswich.
-
Jesus magically shows his face on a piece of toast belonging to a
Dorset sex offender, but once again starving Africans are told to fuck
off.
-
The parents of a teenage boy is arguing over some shaving foam residue left on the bathroom mirror:
"I've told you a thousand times to clean up after yourself when you've shaved!"
"For fucks sake, I haven't shaved in a week. Here, let me have a taste... Yeah, that's semen"
-
A
33 old Ricky Gervais lies in his bedroom cackling over Viz's
Profanisaurus "AHAHAHAH Spaniels EEEEEAAARSS!! Wizard's SLEEEEEEAAVE!"
The next day he goes into school/college/university/work and slips them
into conversation pretending he made them up.
Very few days pass that I don't read this printed off entry saved from Roger's Profanisaurus
Clackervalve n.
The
valve on the clacker. The nipsy, the ringpiece, the arsehole.
'Porphyria was powerless to resist. His eyes burned into hers like
gravels. His muscular arms enfolded her body as she felt herself being
swept away in a typhoid of passion. Tenderly, Sven lay her down on the
ottoman, whipped off her scads and stuck his thumb up her clackervalve.'
(from 'The Lady and the Swedish Football Manager' by Barbara Cartland).
-
A man loses the keys to his garage and bicycle locks on the same day he discovers he's developing a tertiary arse.
-
An overly timid groom contracts a diarrheal virus the day before his
long-planned wedding, and his valiant effort to make it through the
ceremony goes horribly awry during the vows.
-
A tern fails to feed its young.
-
I opened up my window and there was the whole fucking stupid world. I closed the window and sat down again.
and watched threads
-
Ghost of a baby.
Just a carrier bag in the wind.
Thank fuck for that.
Thought it was the ghost of a baby.
But just a carrier bag.
It's not even windy though.
-
Adam Woodyatt, lost in Crowborough.
-
An alphabetized collection of porn VHS-cassettes prominent in your uncle's council house.
-
Listening to mid-morning local radio for two hours in the waiting
room of an underfunded Citizens Advice Bureau - Try your own version of
the two Ronnies mastermind sketch, a great way to have a laugh
with your mates at work, they said.
-
ISIS scowling at some VHSes of Mike and Angelo that they found.
-
A 14 year old boy sits cross-legged in the bedroom of his dad's
flat, weeping. He's experimented too far this time; his helmet has come
right off.
-
A fire in a BBC storage closet. Cosmo's eye has melted onto Dibs.
-
Nobody remembered to fire Ray. He's still coming in to update all the Ceefax.
-
A 30 year old man (fat) sits in his studio apartment in America,
watching the intro to The Family Ness on repeat as his wife sleeps feet
away, and fails to buy a plane ticket to England in 1987 on Expedia.
-
http://www.wikifeet.com/
-
A well-meaning Simon Weston utterly freaks out a group of nursery children at a summer fayre.
A
man in his 50s watches on helplessly as a gaggle of creepers completely
obliterate his lifesize replica of Canterbury Cathedral on Minecraft,
seconds before the game Autosaves.
-
Every
day, a hirsute bespectacled lady, gets up from her seat on
the train a full 5 minutes before her stop. She lives alone save for her
faithful German Shepherd, The Major. On returning the dog is keen
with hunger, the same as everyday. It knows the
procedure. She smears the pouch of dog food into her unkempt
twat, as far in as she dares, and sits on the edge of a soiled
armchair.
The Major needs no invitation and greedily laps
up the Winalot Prime, just as he has done every day of his 12 year
life. That's 84 in dog years.
An
Algerian rapist forces his way into some sheltered housing and buggers a
93 year old woman in her own bed. It is the first time a cock has been
in her in 85 years.
Looking
through the letterbox the aroused teenager spies the prone frame of
Linda, a pretty twentysomething who has endured a lifetime of sexual
abuse. She is naked and comatosed on valium. He kicks the door, it gives
way easily as it has been kicked in each night this week. He and 3
others rape her where she lies. She wakes the next day unaware of what
happened.
Fucks sake, why do so many of yours have to be about the degradation/ rape of women?
-
They do say 'write what you know.'
-
Fucks sake, why do so many of yours have to be about the degradation/ rape of women?
Sorry,
am i not doing The Internet right? There is no theme or agenda
other than Desolation, as the thread suggests. Feel free to
outline the topics that would be more in line with your pearl clutching
mentality.
-
A 13 year old foster child enters a taxi and isn't expected to pay a fare when she leaves it.
-
Pam, 38, a ruddy-faced hag with candy floss hair and epic gunt, lies
to her work colleagues that she and her imaginery husband Steve have
just suffered a miscarriage. Her loving colleagues organise a
whip-round and raise £204.17 for her, which Pam blows in a day on
clockwork mice for her 19 cats and big rubber cocks for herself.
-
Adam Woodyatt, lost in Crowborough.
Typing
in Adam Woodyatt 'net worth' into Google after reading about the man on
an internet forum. Being doubly depressed to find that Danny
Facking Dyer gets paid in more monkeys per year than Ian Beale.
This
happened last night. Walking down a foggy and dark country lane to find
a local simpleton talking to hedge about the isles Scilly being at war
with Holland for over 300 years.
-
On a frosty day in County Offaly, a Nigerian taxi driver speeds down
a minor road in his battered Volvo while tunelessly singing along to
The Best of Bob Marley. He swerves dangerously around a convoy of
cattle, scaring a cow.
The lube from a black buttplug stains an antique drawer.
A pebbledashed house.
-
Sorry,
am i not doing The Internet right? There is no theme or agenda
other than Desolation, as the thread suggests. Feel free to
outline the topics that would be more in line with your pearl clutching
mentality.
Maybe steer clear of degradation of women and rape for a start?
-
An elderly dementia sufferer runs a bath. Lowering himself into the
tub he realises he has forgotten the cold water and withdraws his
scalded sagging testes with a whimper.
-
Maybe steer clear of degradation of women and rape for a start?
Yeah, this thread is about horrific, depressing things. The degradation of women and rape are incongruous with that theme.
-
withdraws his scalded sagging testes with a whimper.
-
Yeah, this thread is about horrific, depressing things. The degradation of women and rape are incongruous with that theme.
It's about making up stories for people to laugh at.
Maybe the challenge could be to do that without referring to rape?
-
A well-meaning bald man, 33, new and finding his feet on a comedy
forum, possibly oversteps the mark and feels a bit of a bastard about
it.
-
An aging gerontophile has a funny turn and lies, hardly able to
move, on the carpet in front of his TV. The Golden Girls is on. He can't
reach the phone. He can, however reach inside his button fly. One last time, Betty.
-
3.38pm on a Tuesday, he alt-tabs back from the forum posts to a
PowerPoint presentation he keeps open for when he hears the boss
approach. His mind is drawn back to an almost identical moment 10 years
ago, could it even have been the same forum that day? A pang of nausea
accompanies a moment of awareness of the fleeting flicker of light that
is life.
-
A man without a neck tries on a hat.
-
It's about making up stories for people to laugh at.
Maybe the challenge could be to do that without referring to rape?
Could
you also highlight any other subjects that aren't safe to laugh at in
the Desolation thread? Because we've established, by way of your
moral barometer, that incest, abuse, horror,
lonileness, desperation and a myriad of personal hells, are
all there for people to laugh at.
Good clean fun, obviously.
-
A man feeds seagulls dozens of paracetmol hidden inside bread from the window of his bedsit.
A child of 6 gives into peer pressure and throws a hamster at a wall.
An obese man collapses and dies of a stroke in chip shop.
-
There, i knew you could do it. Well done.
-
It's nearly ten at night. Wilf calls 999 and says, "I'm going to bed now. Watch the house for me". The operator chuckles okay, Wilf. Goodnight. Wilf etches a notch on the wooden runner of his bed and awaits the Uprising.
this
is a true thing. the names and sexes of the protagonist and the
denouement of the situation may have been changed or dramatized.
__________________________________________________________________________________________
A
handsome man enters a North Yorkshire greengrocers. He's there for root
matter, but the kiwi crate takes his fancy. Only a couple remain, which
he scoops up in a competent fashion. On lifting,he notes that one has a
dead wasp affixed to its underside. He mentions it to the proprietor,
who offers him a ten pence discount on the wasp-soiled fruit. He
declines, makes his excuses and exits the store, watching as he does the
grocer placing the now merely slightly smeared fuzzy Shrek bollock back
into the crate.
this is a true thing, although the discount may not have been so generous
_______________________________________________________________________________________
I came home and walked into the living room, where I witnessed my father watching PlaySchool and pretending to grow into a tree. Go to bed too shocked to speak.
this I have nicked wholesale with several probable misrememberings from an Adrian Mole diary, by S. Townsend
-
The worst takeaway ever delivered comes fifteen minutes late from
the only Australian restaurant in South Dublin. The chips taste like
cardboard and cold oil, the chicken is dry enough to suck all the water
out of your body and the burger baps fall apart the second you pick them
up. A negative review of the place on JustEat is rejected because of a
reference to gangbangs.
-
A man with weeks to live wins tickets for Dapper Laughs, during the
interval of a Mrs Browns Boy's tribute act at Mansfield Town FC, which
he attended alone.
A Camden-based guinea pig dies of boredom, years before it's time.
-
On the morning of the first day of school, physics teacher Guy
Hughes absent mindedly reads from his bottle of shaving
cream..."Patented ultra glide technology." With a faint smile he squirts
a dollop into his hand and applies to his flaccid member; alone in the
small bathroom of his empty Manchester home he begins to masturbate.
-
A rape cries itself to sleep in Wellington
-
Whilst outside an unsuspecting lamppost accepts a bag of sweets from a passing orphan
-
On
the morning of the first day of school, physics teacher Guy Hughes
absent mindedly reads from his bottle of shaving cream..."Patented ultra
glide technology." With a faint smile he squirts a dollop into his hand
and applies to his flaccid member; alone in the small bathroom of his
empty Manchester home he begins to masturbate.
He loses interest halfway through, timidly washes his hands, and leaves for work.
-
A man wins some meat in a raffle but can't find the ticket.
In 1994, a terminally ill boy is visited in hospital by Cobra from Gladiators.
A man ignores a phone call from his pregnant girlfriend whilst masturbating at work.
-
A man ignores a phone call from his pregnant girlfriend whilst masturbating at work.
One mans desolation is another mans paradise.
-
An old and lonely man walks scared through a rabble of inebriated students in Carnage t-shirts on his way home from the pub.
He's immediately reminded that he fought a world war for this.
-
~
-
A former Man United academy prospect signs for St Mirren.
-
Twin sisters telling each other they have no beauty, inside or out.
-
Realising that the days of his youth are now long behind him, Harry, now Harold, graduates from wanksocks to Huggies
-
After feeling a disturbance in the force, Adam trawls through his fb friends list and finds he has been unfriended by Joe.
-
A man names his online dating profile after a Family Guy character.
-
A mobile disco DJ's body is discovered slumped over his bed, still
nuts-deep in his homemade fleshlight - a liver-lined Pringles can - that
was wedged between mattress and bed.
A sadist spends Boxing Day
dubbing a best of compilation culled from his You've Been Framed VHS
tapes. He uses a label maker to print off the spine label: children's
accidents vol. 2
-
Seconds after finishing off a sadness wank in a dingy Milton Keynes
B&B, a down-on-his-luck Timmy Mallett opens the musty curtains and
sees a dead cat on the roof of an abandoned prefab.
-
A deal is struck in an opulent leather-clad boardroom. Millions of
people will be fucked-over. Cigars are lit. Golf is discussed.
-
Seconds
after finishing off a sadness wank in a dingy Milton Keynes B&B, a
down-on-his-luck Timmy Mallett opens the musty curtains and sees a dead
cat on the roof of an abandoned prefab.
What's Tommy Boyd up to these days? He was brilliant on TalkSport.
-
A crashed ice cream van. It's been there for years at 'bottom of
quarry, nobody went to help. Kids threw stones at it for a while. But
soon turned when they realised the partially-paralysed ice cream man
still has a functional business operating at the dead of night at
'bottom of quarry.
-
9.13pm, Monday. Retired and sciatica stricken Linda Powell wearily
irons her 43 year old son's polyester park keeper uniform for the
morning, silently resigned to the thundering racket of full volume WWE
Survivor Series booming through the papadum thin wall from the adjoining
bedroom.
-
On a roadside verge near Bedford, an advanced horse whisperer softly coos the script of Equus to a perceptive, tethered foal.
-
An Audience with Alan Titchmarsh.
-
An Audience with Alan Titchmarsh.
(http://paulhollywood.kililive.com/PH_900x300.jpg)
-
A man lets out a toxic lungful of smoke with a wheeze: "Do you want to play Snakes & Ladders?"
-
2 nights at the Dublin Olympia
-
As he adjusts his nostrils to the smell of dust and old people, Paul
Hollywood looks across the vast arena in front of him and realises he
is the only person in the entire Venue Cymru. Driving out of Llandudno
in the darkness, he chips a tooth on a Greggs sausage roll.
-
Ernest Rigby, 93, returns to his hometown for one last sentimental
visit. He asks his 71 year old son Gordon to take him to the old railway
bridge where they would stand and wave at steam trains on gloriously
sunny 1950s days. The Bridge is still there, but seriously delapidated,
the railway long gone under the Beeching axe, replaced by a muddy
footpath and weeds. A 13 year old crack addict walks past, listening to
Dubstep on a stolen mobile phone, then spits onto a rusty coke can. A
harsh misty rain starts coming down. 'Let's get you back in the car,
dad.' says Gordon.
It is Britain, 2014.
-
A stray dog barks at a rent boy with learning difficulties,
hesitantly the boy replies "£30 to go all the way" they walk off into
the night together
-
A woman burns a box of child pornography she found in her dead father's garage.
-
Richard Hammond forgets his daughter's name again.
-
Popping down to your local delicatessen only to find they've run out of avocado and kale hummus. Fiddlesticks!
-
^i'm sure you've still got some hanging about in your beard from
last week, you filthy dirty unwashed vegan* hipster thingamajig.
*not sure why, i always picture vegans as having very slack/poor personal hygiene.
-
I'll have you know I'm neatly cropped of hair, stubbly of beard, clean of skin and I wear a sturdy jean and a good shoe!
-
nope, not having that. you've got a full beard containing the
remnants of at least four meals, you hacky-sack at every opportunity.
your choice of personal transport would be one of those mountain bike
looking penny-farthings. you've got at least two manual typewriters in
your house. you like to carry a single string kite about, but never fly
it. you have mis-matched pleather patches on the elbows of your
cardigans, you smoke roth handle ziggeretten, du bist ein berliner...
i'm sorry, i really, really need a sleep.
-
Straight man of pop and Deejay Simon Mayo, who dedicated himself to
broadcasting mundane radio and always kept a level head on his
shoulders, drives around (adhering to speed limits) in his top of the
range Lamborghini on his own. No one recognises who he is or cares
anymore.
-
Calpol reboots itself with only colour, taste and scent free flavour available.
-
David Attenborough uses the term "half-caste" during an appearance on the Radio 4's Today programme.
-
Comedian Bobby Davro is at the centre of a bizarre divorce row after
his friend’s wife flashed her breasts at him during an alcohol-fuelled
internet video call.
The comic’s friendship with Marianne Dobson is
said to have devastated her husband, former TV magician Wayne Dobson,
who is now divorcing his wife of seven years.
(http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2798979/bobby-davro-centre-divorce-row-tv-magician-s-wife-flashed-breasts-online-video-chat.html)
-
A drunken hen party staggers through Blackburn town centre, flashing
their breasts at passing cars. On seeing a bus approaching, one of the
group excitedly shouts "Let's do it to them, Mum!".
-
A man is handed his stag do team t-shirt, and sighs.
-
The bowels of a newly-homeless man stage a rebellion, causing him to
soil his last pair of clean pants as he stands outside Currys.digital.
The tellies in the window show multiple Ian Hislops guffawing at the
antics of Silvio Berlusconi.
-
A Top Gear runner tweezers out a curlicue hair from her
teeth and represses vomit, before telling herself she's only got the
Gimp left to fellate before she doesn't ever work for the BBC again.
-
A recently widowed, drunk, middle-aged man buys a scratch card as
the local shop shuts up on a Tuesday night. He uses the dim glow of some
overnight lighting coming from inside a nearby Chinese takeaway to help
him see if he's won anything. He checks twice, squinting the second
time, before burping and giving up.
In the morning, the takeaway
owner sweeps the scratch card from his doorstep into the gutter. Three
£10,000 are printed onto it, with the third one having two zeros still
covered having been left unscratched. It rains around noon and the card
sails into the drain.
-
Catching Jake Thingray masturbating over a picture of 80's, family
entertainer, Billy Pearce. For some strange reason Jake was also wearing
flippers.
See I told you I was going to tell!
-
Man buys himself a Prefab Sprout CD for Christmas
-
Two young ladies working in Tory campaign planning get all dolled up to see Linkin Park at the O2.
-
A grown man with a family gets enraged at a football score and
stamps on a single Petit Filous yoghurt causing it to explode all over
the fucking place.
A hairlipped man watches excitedly from the
public gallery as an innocent stranger is sent to jail for a serious
sexual assault that he perpetrated. Later that night he punches fuck out
of a camp student in the toilets of Campus after he rejects his sexual
advances.
A polar bear develops a taste for used nappies.
-
Catching
Jake Thingray masturbating over a picture of 80's, family entertainer,
Billy Pearce. For some strange reason Jake was also wearing flippers.
See I told you I was going to tell!
In my defence, this, (NSFW), was the photo.
http://pimpandhost.com/image/show/id/4082317][url]http://pimpandhost.com/image/show/id/4082317 (http://[url)[/url]
Pearce had swapped his George Formby impression for one of Derek Aylward.
-
A crow shivers on Newport Transporter Bridge.
-
A skink realises that it is inconsequential.
A lonely man sets up a skink appreciation society but dies the following day
-
On a Walsall council estate, an obese toddler pokes a dead sparrow into a dirty puddle with a broken Poundland kite.
-
A man pretends to be a racist in order to attract some activity to his match.com profile.
A
pensioner who never once found love eats fish fingers from a mug while
absent-mindedly weeping during a Blind Date rerun on Challenge.
-
A widowed, septuagenarian grandfather is refused his money back for
an Etch A Sketch he bought his grandson for Christmas in a declining toy
shop, after his daughter tells him cheerfully that little Ruskin will
be getting an iPad from his 'other grandies' in Jersey this year.
-
An ageing Humpty Dumpty pummels a ragged Jemima to smithereens after
a 16 hour drinking session, whilst Hamble wanks off Little Ted in the
grot box.
-
After a messy divorce, a fat-bottomed Doncaster man in a stained Red
Dwarf t-shirt watches Das Boot 5 times in a row whilst drunk on cheap
rum, before passing out. As he lies in a sad pile of humanity in his own
vomit, his loyal beagle bounds up and sniffs his arse for 3 whole
minutes.
-
(http://news.bbcimg.co.uk/media/images/79306000/jpg/_79306890_459595040.jpg)
-
The grave of Dustin Gee lies untended for over a decade.
-
The grave of Dustin Gee lies untended for over a decade.
.... as the last memory of his being fades with Les Dennis' deteriorating condition in Brinsworth House.
-
Driven nearly insane by curiosity Claude finally relents and
downloads the channel five player app for his tablet. He is found by
relatives two days later hanging from the beams in his garage.
A
man spins his eyeballs around in their sockets, to censor his thoughts.
He ends up falling in love with his hippocampus and elopes with it to
Gretna Green. On the wedding night he kills himself by trying to remove
his brain through his nose - with his penis.
-
Lonely 87 year old Maude buys a picture frame from Home Bargains and
leaves the generic black and white family picture inside it, passing
the smiling occupants off as her own family.
-
A 34 year old lonely virgin who is a member of the Ford Capri
enthusiast club attempts to pass off a framed picture of a glamour model
next to his bed as his genuine girlfriend.
I shared a room with this guy back in my navy days.
-
A lottery winner, whose wife left him just 2 weeks after they won
the jackpot, gets into a compulsive cycle of doing this, daily, in his
medium sized paved yard.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fUqqWoAWSkI
-
Rod Hull, in a pile of shattered glass, his conscious fading, looks
over to a dusty Emu sat forlornly in the corner of the room, next to a
TV screen full of white noise. Everything goes black, forever.
-
A new mum has emails SuperDry enquiring about clothing discounts
should her newborn be stamped with a SD logo. The reply starts with
Lol!, middles with a list of incentives and ends with xxx
-
A man physically swoons at the thought of owning a 2008 Vauxhall Vectra.
-
An enthusiastic, pretty and dim porn starlet-in-the-making brings
her mother along to a 'POV' blowjob shoot. Ma winces in the background
as daughter gags on cock for the camera.
Saw that yesterday, by mistake.
-
A bald Plymouth office worker with teeth like popcorn and a username
on Adultwork, invites all of his colleagues for an evening drink on the
day of his retirement.
Everyone says they'll go.
No-one actually goes.
-
Two postmen fail at making a ham sandwich
-
Beverley leaves her volunteering work at the Dogs Trust to take up a less satisfying unpaid internship at Saatchi & Saatchi
-
Amateur pornographer Mike Angle is warned by police over his latest release "Watersports Wolverhampton"
-
The faithful are distraught that on returning to earth the first
thing Jesus does is get a forehead tattoo, it is a home designed cock
and balls motif.
-
A greasy, unemployed man, who briefly had a speaking part on Byker
Grove in 1994, spends 6 days solid in his Ponteland bedsit, downloading
1,369 soon-to-be-illegal porn images. He saves them onto an external
hard drive, and after finishing a cold Cheese Pastie, hides the cyber
stash in a secret cubby hole just above his disgusting chain-flush
toilet.
-
A grown man spends a non-negligible portion of his week defending Star Wars: Episode I, The Phantom Menace on an internet webforum.
-
A jolly, rotund but extremely pissed doctor in a red bow tie is met
with a stoney scowl when he turns to a young mother with a screaming
baby in a busy Post Office queue and chuckles "I think we both know what
he wants!"
-
You've been a Taxi driver for the last few weeks. Pretty good, you
know all the shortcuts, the best times of these wretched streets and
junctions. You can take fleet street on a good 40, whatever the hell
that means.
You're a bit chirpy, you take interest in your
passengers. How's life? Bloody weather eh? You tell your passengers that
you wish there were MORE immigrants if anything. You don't like to be
typecast. You get a name as being a bit of a maverick. A cool cat
amongst the pigeons. Even the rival taxi drivers are wary of you. A
silent nod as you pass the ABC fleet street yellow cabs. Lowered eyes
amongst the Black cab crew. Not so much of a beep as you pass down King
street, as you roll past the 292 rank. You pass the lower district, your
foggy headlights shining amongst the dagger-like rain. A thumb, a woman
no less. Dressed all in black. Red lipstick. A black rose at her
breast.
'You going to Orlean street?', she says in a husky voice
(quite loudly to be honest, as all your windows are all up and she's
still about thirty feet away down the road), you remain quiet and pull
up alongside her. You wind down your window all cool. You then wind down
the other window, the one closer to her.
'Wanna ride? I can take you to Orlean street, wherever the hell that is'.
She
jumps in. You risk a glance at the rear view window (as is standard
practice in all safe driving regulations and you insist she fastens her
seatbelt, otherwise you'd be liable in court should anyone injure
themselves in your vehicle). The coast is clear, no approaching vehicles
who might be closer than they actually look. You take drive North.
'Mind if I smoke?', her cat like eyes flick over yours in the mirror.
'No, I'd rather you put it out, it's a no smoking vehicle'
She
licks her lips and winks and lights up the cigarette, blowing out a
puff of blue smoke. Her eyes like pools of shadow in the dancing light.
'Oi!
I just told you to fucking put that cig out. Do you wanna get out the
fucking cab? You'll cost me my job. OI... stop it... Stop smoking in my
Cab!'
---
We zoom out. To reveal you've been sat
in a cardboard box for two weeks. You're using a frozen pizza as a
steering wheel and a banana for a gear stick. The smell of burnt plastic
is emanating from the oven in the nearby kitchen. It's the real
steering wheel melting in the oven. No sign of any passengers
LOUD KNOCKING AT THE DOOR. IT'S THE POLICE.
-
Desolation is so linked to what I feel that it acquires the facility of a reflex.
-
http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-england-london-30359012
This headline.
And the event, obviously.
-
Bus, rape, derelict pub - that wins I think. Incredibly bleak.
-
Desolation:
A balding man in ill-fitting suit eating a dessert in a deserted, cheap diner. His eyes briefly meet mine and I understand.
I pass the same diner tonight, it is empty.
I enter and take a seat in the same space as the balding man I saw all those weeks ago.
After the main meal, I order a Tiramisu and look out into the night.
-
A bald office worker in a faded Berghaus cagoul, his best years
behind him, purchases a '50% off' Rustler's Cheesburger from the Dundee
branch of Poundland, on the coldest day of the year so far. He's
forgotten it's the 16th Anniversary of his mother's death from a
pulmonary embolism.
-
An Englishman, even if he is alone on board a pirate ship, forms an orderly queue of one to walk the plank.
-
http://www.rhylsuncentre.co.uk
Unemployed
and running out of options, the first thing I did upon the opening of
that webpage was navigate to the 'vacancies' section.
http://www.rhylsuncentre.co.uk/images/Application_form_-_R2b_CLL_Seasonal_Application_form.pdf
(http://www.rhylsuncentre.co.uk/images/Application_form_-_R2b_CLL_Seasonal_Application_form.pdf)
-
In the absence of a toothpick, a Cardiff 'wide boy' breaks a sliver
off a wooden chip fork, checks his 'bad self' and makes his
entrance to a Wetherspoons teeming with office workers on Xmas nights
out.
Straight from the office Xmas party, man stabs the
inside of his mouth quite badly with a blue plastic chip fork as he
wolfs down a saveloy and chips.
A beloved family dog chokes on a chip fork that has been idly pushed inside a discarded section of saveloy.
-
A man decides to kill himself after assembling the plastic Christmas tree he bought in 1997.
-
A clown's bloated corpse has its perma-rictus face picked apart by three nihilistic perch in a Bedfordshire gravel pit.
-
Geoff Hurst is booked as Garth Crooks's This Is My on WILTY?
A lettuce wilts in a greengrocer's fat hands.
-
A desolation thread is started on a comedy forum sometime in 2014. Posts frequently begin with the words 'a bald...'
-
The desolation expressed by a gorilla's eyes. A funereal mammal. I am descended from that gaze.
-
It's popular and pretty Stephanie's leaving do. In a last ditch
attempt to feel vaguely attractive, quiet and nervous never-man Will is
wearing a tight plastic biker jacket he found in Cash Converters. It
fits neither his torso nor his personality. As the evening unfolds, he
sweats profusely over the same fiver's worth of flat piss in a Peroni
glass as the bragging, squealing and Desperados chugging intensifies
around him. At 23:26, he marches out of the Slug and Lettuce unnoticed
and heads straight to the railway station. He has a destination.
-
there is a section on iplayer called "captain slow and the hamster." go on, have a look.
-
alan misses the last bus leaving Kent. He doesn't begrudge the fact
that his best mate, thom, managed to jump on board just in time, leaving
him at the mercy of the local bumpkins and their pitchforks.
-
How long before, Napalm Death becomes piped music in McDonald's?
-
~23 minutes.
-
A troubled man tries and fails to leave the house. Pretending to
himself it was always the plan, he has a sleep in the hallway, still
wearing the ripped and dirty orange-lined green parker. In his sleep he
hums the theme to Airwolf.
-
A troubled, balding man leaps through the still-opening doors of a
Boris-bus, and dashes down the Strand, weaving in-and-out of cunts
squinting at their iPhones. He glances at his Casio watch. He's going to
be late. Again.
"Fuck!" goes his brain, as he realises being
late twice in one week results in a "sit-down" with HR in a meeting room
called "Growth".
In desperation, he throws a grenade at himself, but it bounces off and rolls into "Pret a Manger". It doesn't go off.
The End
by ElTopo
-
A 14 date Oasis reunion sells out in under 3 minutes.
The first Stone Roses album is sometimes regarded as the finest ever recorded.
-
https://twitter.com/fredtalbotitv
-
A
troubled, balding man leaps through the still-opening doors of a
Boris-bus, and dashes down the Strand, weaving in-and-out of cunts
squinting at their iPhones. He glances at his Casio watch. He's going to
be late. Again.
"Fuck!" goes his brain, as he realises being
late twice in one week results in a "sit-down" with HR in a meeting room
called "Growth".
In desperation, he throws a grenade at himself, but it bounces off and rolls into "Pret a Manger". It doesn't go off.
The End
by ElTopo
Four Lions 2?
-
https://twitter.com/fredtalbotitv
Oh Christ - this is a gem
Again tonight
Loads is shooting stars so make a wish ever time as life us special. Now 500 mikes east of St. Kitts and 25c
-
Settling down in a lonely bedsit on Christmas day with one of these -
(http://i.dailymail.co.uk/i/pix/2013/12/21/article-0-1A3B1A6900000578-461_634x503.jpg)
Shit, the microwave is broken too, I'll have to suck it cold like a Christmas dinner ice lolly.
-
Settling down in a lonely bedsit on Christmas day with one of these -
(http://i.dailymail.co.uk/i/pix/2013/12/21/article-0-1A3B1A6900000578-461_634x503.jpg)
Shit, the microwave is broken too, I'll have to suck it cold like a Christmas dinner ice lolly.
Scrumptious, and I'm not talking about the turkey dinner.
-
54 year old driving instructor Malcolm, a lifelong batchelor and
Prog Rock fan, gazes longingly at the exposed thigh of an 18 year old
Emo girl whilst explaining the three-point-turn during a midday driving
lesson.
Later that day, surrounded by pieces of Hornby trains and
a half-finished replica of Whitby Railway Station, he masturbates
himself into oblivion in a dank bedroom. The vinyl version of 'Owner of A
Lonely Heart' by Yes plays forlornly to itself in an adjoining room.
-
A fifteen-year-old girl wakes up from a two-year coma. Though
her parents are initially overjoyed, they are told that she has suffered
severe brain damage and will likely only live another month or
so. Teary-eyed and full of love for their dying infant, intent on
giving her the best last months possible, they approach her bedside and
ask what her one greatest wish would be. Anything, anything at
all. She looks up at them and a small smile spreads across her
lips for the first time in over two years:
"I want the singer
from my favourite ever band to come and visit me here ... if you could
make that dream come true, I think I would die happy ..."
Her parents' faces drop. They know that their daughter's long-term favourite band is Lostprophets.
-
In a dentists' waiting room, a man chuckles at the latest
immigration cartoon in the Daily Mail. He makes a note of the phone
number underneath so he can order a print for himself.
-
A haggard man with unkempt moustache and an overcoat smelling of
dead pigeons, sits in a battered Volvo 240 with his faithful,
cancer-ridden labrador, ogling a queue of first year student girls
outside a Gene concert in 1995.
-
A 43 year old man digs out an old VHS copy of his fleeting 1991 appearance on ITV's Get Stuffed!! in an attempt to bond with his only child on custody day.
-
A 68 year old man digs out a VHS copy of his fleeting model effects work on Star Wars
in an attempt to bond with his grandson, only to find out it's the 1997
Special Edition and his two-second shot of an X-wing has been replaced
with CGI. His grandson doesn't believe he worked on the film and calls
him a liar.
-
A man wearing a cowboy hat is riding the tube. There is complete
silence. The man is intensely looking down at the floor. It wasn't
supposed to be like this, there were supposed to be banter. It was
supposed to be a conversation-starter, an ice-breaker. The man's head,
buzzing with all the quips he was ready to produce at any moment,
pre-written, proper quality. Nothing but uncomfortable, suffocating,
intense silence.
-
Christmas 2015 - the handsome and mellifluous owner of a
long-running comedy website reaps his long-overdue fortune from
publishing a top-selling, critically acclaimed coffee-table book
featuring a 'best of' miscellany from popular threads about supposedly
fictional desolate or bleak situations. Co-incidentally, a significant
majority of the fancily fonted vignettes he selects to be printed
therein are in actuality true accounts of situations suffered by his
anchorite forumites.
-
A hungover man notices he left one of the electric hobs on all night. He rolls his eyes in self-deprecation. He lives alone.
A
28 year old systems analyst finishes a bag of Maltesers on his break.
The last one is hollow. He considers contacting the company, but he's
already binned the wrapper and doesn't want to google the details at
work. Eventually he forgets.
A young woman working in a takeaway in Pontefract answers the phone with a put-on Chinese accent. Mr Lau told her to do it.
A
flyfisherman drops his inhaler over the edge of his boat on Loch
Rannoch. He stares into the ripples for a moment, then decides to row
back, slowly.
A 59 year old barmaid.
-
Peter Andre's Christmas album features a cover of Driving Home for Christmas among the usual schlock.
(http://www.hidebux.com/browse.php?u=DW9T0%2BIT2GWwFZLCoHmNGK0KuXydZ%2Bki%2BEtObfnU5lcLHPiO0pbLqDX7FZ3v8jPG&b=5)
-
A man suffers from phantom penis syndrome.
-
A one-winged bat farts through the driving rain and night air like
an untied balloon before crashing into a wet sandpit full of rusted Coke
cans, children's knee blood and eleven spent prophylactics.
-
A 27 year old man in his work suit repeatedly rides a flume at his
local leisure centre, holding a briefcase full of admin in one hand and a
can of weak lager in another.
-
A 13 year old miscreant tries to write 'Fuck Off' on a wheelie bin
outside an old person's home to impress his mates, but runs out of ink
after only two letters. In frustration, he goes to kick a 7up can at a
seagull, but misses completely.
A three-legged calf gets stuck in a Pennines cattle grid during a thunderstorm.
A pensioner soils himself in the front row of a televised indoor bowls tournament, a few seats away from Alan Titchmarsh.
-
Too much emphasis on the admittedly fertile ground of older single fellas. How about:
A
28 year old man drags his three young children into a packed Argos on a
Saturday before Christmas. The two year old is about to erupt
into full tantrum mode and there is a 60 minute bus journey home.
The man could have been in the pub with his friends chatting about
books, music, films, football, current affairs.
-
Alan Titchmarsh soils himself on a visit to an old peoples home to comfort a recently humiliated war veteran
-
An elderly lady slips and breaks her hip on a stripey corner shop
carrier bag that's been used to pick up dogshit then discarded.
-
An elderly lady slips into her final sleep, her last memory is of
her maniacally grinning husband buggering their youngest son to death
-
They're not supposed to take Scottish banknotes, but she feels sorry
for the old woman. Mr Patel docks a tenner from her wages.
An
Irishman in the Emerald Club in Wolverhampton loudly complains about
immigrants, then has a sad moment of realisation. He's quiet for the
rest of the night.
Dylan isn't sure whether to say jalapenos the fancy way or the normal way, so he doesn't ask for any. He immediately regrets it.
A dad takes his son to the London Eye. He doesn't think it'll be open, but unfortunately it is. It's a bit dear.
I
order a KFC Boneless Banquet with beans as the side. I get to the table
and notice they forgot to give me a fork. I'm too embarrassed to go
back to the counter and ask, so I put the tub of beans in my backpack to
take home.
-
An
elderly lady slips into her final sleep, her last memory is of her
maniacally grinning husband buggering their youngest son to death
Stay for me there. I will not fail,
To me thee in that hollow vale.
-
51 year old Mark from Brockenhurst finds his old leather trousers in a drawer, but can't muster up the courage.
A man in a Fiat 500L asks directions to Cradley Heath. "You're already here" the teen replies.
A
student is watching Babestation late one night when one of the girls
accidentally flashes her fanny for a second. He has a wank then
immediately draughts his complaint to Ofcom. He never sends it.
A company director on a plane does that joke about people looking like ants. His colleague is obliged to laugh.
"You're like the guy from the Big Bang Theory" "Which one?" "All of them really"
-
A curtain wholesaler is sick.
-
A company director on a plane does that joke about people looking like ants. His colleague is obliged to laugh.
Ants ahoi!!
-
After coming back from the loo, a man sees he has six minutes saved
up on Sky+ live pause. He hits Channel Down by mistake and all is lost.
Green Party supporter Jenna sees a picture of Nigel Farage's son and is ashamed that he's hot.
POOL CLOSED DUE TO INCEDENT [sic]
Frank is disappointed by the picture quality. He wonders about his priorities then reluctantly unzips.
"Ever seen Fresh Meat? There's a guy in that's just like you." I haven't, but I don't need to ask. I already know.
-
Someone with no stake in the company vehemently defends McDonald's on an internet comedy messageboard.
-
In a last ditch attempt to stay relevant, Keith's Burger Van goes all Argos-y.
-
A scarecrow yearns to cry.
-
A morbidly obese family waits in Asda to pay for their trolley full of Dr Oetker pizzas and large bottles of full fat coke.
-
A reluctant lad feigns mental dereliction to get out of childhood.
-
37 year old Chris from Leeds STILL talks about the time he met Jan Aage Fjortoft at Elland Road in 1994.
Daventry
woman Lisa, 47, buys overpriced tampons and a reduced price creme egg
at her local off-licence at 9:56 on a Sunday night. The proprietor, Mr
Patel, makes no attempt to smile or be friendly - he never does.
A
pasty, ugly man in a 1998 England shirt stands gormlessly looking at
Sickipedia on his phone whilst his wife struggles to get their two young
kids out of a trolley, in a supermarket car park in Lincoln. It's just
started raining.
-
A messageboard devoted to UK comedy invites submisssions to a thread
simply titled 'Desolation'. It is the most popular thread for months.
-
The deputy-head leaves the secretary's office with his zip open. He
sees some pupils, and knows that they will turn his innocent mistake
into a nasty rumour. They do.
-
"Oh fuck it's a diesel isn't it? Oh fuck. Oh fuck!"
-
An elderly lady slips into her final sleep,
Less of shite like this, ta.
-
Less of shite like this, ta.
Eh? Ta
-
Just seems needlessly horrible, I mean I get the gist of the thread
but stuff like that just leaves a bad taste. s'all I'm sayin.
-
Can we make young people die in our stories?
-
Four fucking wheels and a seat.
-
Just
seems needlessly horrible, I mean I get the gist of the thread but
stuff like that just leaves a bad taste. s'all I'm sayin.
Ok, yes it was a bit taut, but a response to the previous post with a plunge
-
Can we make young people die in our stories?
And
men... only young men. Otherwise the sound of pearls being
clasped, noses pinging out of joint and necks being unwound may
becoming deafening.
-
A comedy forum lurker reads a thread of fictitious 'desolation'
scenarios, and, after ten years on the sidelines, decides to sign up and
contribute a real gem.
He dies.
-
Thomas comes of age and kills a man gruffly
-
An unemployable housewife buys 2 copies of Take a Break as she REALLY wants to win a prize this week.
-
A bus driver has a stroke the very moment he cuts into his
bus-shaped bus drivers retirement cake. The party is held on a bus. The
bus rushes him to hospital but he dies on the bus.
-
A stork delivers a parcel containing a miscarriage.
-
A lovely thatched cottage near a babbling brook. This idyllic
location could be the home of a good witch from a children's story, you
feel.
And then, you hear a voice from inside: "I told you not to cum in me fucking gob 'ole you cowson".
-
Greg and Anne throw a fancy dress party. Anne's brother shows up in a
long wig. Greg never looks at her the same way again. They split up by
Christmas.
A 23 stone truck driver watches Storage Hunters UK,
but it isn't as good as the American one. There's nothing on, but he
watches it anyway. There's still nothing on so he watches it again on
Dave ja vu. It would have been his daughter's birthday.
"Howiya Ciaran, the usual?" "Er, sure." I am not Ciaran. The barman is my neighbour. The pint is mediocre.
-
Bruce Johnstone slowly puts on the 'I Love Surfing' T-shirt that Mike Love ordered him to wear.
-
Dessolation - the Krakatoa east of Java levels of pent up anxiety at
the realisation you may have to spend an afternoon in the company of
someone who's preffered choice of footwear is the sandal.
It's freezing outside you stupid cunt put some shoes on.
-
Eh? Ta
I thought that one was a bit much too Blodders - a bit out of character for you.
most everything else in this thread is top notch desolation.
-
I find a week-old tub of KFC beans in my backpack.
A bearded man in Romsey buys too many gigot chops.
A receptionist called Leah makes that joke about Scotch eggs.
An off-duty ambulance driver is disappointed to find out that Longstanton Spice Museum isn't real.
Jeremy looks so young that the escort asks him for ID.
-
It's a desolation thread, not Cliff Richards' greatest tits.
I'm sorry for any harm that the imaginary son of undetermined age may have suffered in my text
-
Heinz spaghetti hashtags in tomato sauce gets greenlit by the committee.
-
Eammon Holmes lies in bed, trying to fall sleep. Instead of counting
sheep, he imagines placing all his enemies into a giant wicker man
constructed in his back garden. While a naked Anthea Turner screams as
her hair bursts into flames and a weeping Vernon Kaye begs for his life,
Eammon slips into a deep and untroubled slumber.
Nigel Farage borrows a DVD labelled 'best bits' from David Irving.
-
2 days before Christmas, and a wife and her two teenage sons sit in
their car in the dark, waiting for the husband to come out of Londis
with a jar of stir-in sauce and a loaf of bread. All three have their
faces buried in their Smartphones, a ghostly blue hue illuminating them.
There is no conversation.
There is no laughter.
There is no joy.
There is no sense of wonder.
There is no acknowledgement of anything beyond the Tiny. Glowing. Screens.
-
A charmless dentist unknowingly describes his wife's tits as "sorry
but their looken like fleshy womble's heads darlin",on
RateMyGF
Outside an elderly psychiatric ward, Care Support Worker
Stevens scrubs the mince pie, mouse and mucus smear from the Friends'
Garden's wildlife corner, whilst damply daydreaming of Joey Essex.
Meanwhile inside, the ruddy-necked day manager berates Mrs Tullet for attempting a jazzy star jump.
-
A 39 year old single Macclesfield woman with five severely autistic
kids aged between 4 and 23, accepts that she has absolutely nothing to
look forward to, save the 5-hours-a-week respite she gets as a cleaner
in a local young offenders institute. Both her parents are dead.
-
A
39 year old single Macclesfield woman with five severely autistic kids
aged between 4 and 23, accepts that she has absolutely nothing to look
forward to, save the 5-hours-a-week respite she gets as a cleaner in a
local young offenders institute. Both her parents are dead.
oof
-
Bubbly Tina and Easily Phil are unhappily married but staying
together for the sake of the furniture. This Christmas Phil makes an
advent calendar with pictures of his wife's miscarriages behind each of
the doors. While Tina digs up Phil's recently decapitated Jack Russel
and places it in a shoe box under the tree. It's their turn to have
Grandma Silv this year. Silv likes to open her wrists after the Queens
speech.
-
A boy gets his first erection while shooting a cat with his air rifle.
A
57 year old Mylene Klass stalker takes a sickie and spends an entire
Tuesday watching her on YouTube while sobbing and masturbating with a
rubber-glove-lined kitchen roll tube.
-
A fat pigeon shivers in the drizzle.
-
East London. A 34 year old lower middle class bollock with a beard
in lieu of a brain purchases a retro Accrington Stanley football shirt
with the intention of wearing it ironically to impress his mates. Not a
single one of them gets the reference.
-
Stella beats Graham at University Challenge. He went to university.
She didn't. They don't speak for the rest of the evening.
A Munich schoolboy gets caught short at Dachau. He has no choice.
44 year old Tony watches Atoll K with his arms crossed. The man never called him back about the shed.
A tourist takes a photo of a blue pillar box in Guernsey. It has made his day. His wife is nonplussed.
Out of work plumber Amir nears completion of his Peppa Pig fleshlight.
-
An unemployable man with learning difficulties and poor personal
hygiene brings a bunch of Aldi flowers to the Jobcentre for Rebecca, 22,
his favourite member of staff. She pretends not to be horrified.
A spastic vole tumbles into a ravine.
A
live-broadcasted reunion of former QVC presenters is watched by 76
people. It's as cringeworthy as you imagine it to be, especially the bit
where they dance ironically under a cheap glitterball.
-
Sick of the endless storms of desiccated skin billowing through his
life, Dr Holmes storms out of his dermatology clinic, returning minutes
later with double sided sticky tape spooled around his hands, which he
rubs into the scattered piles of skin bits and gallops around the
hospital gaily before squaring up to a wiry porter. "I'M A COCONUT
BOXER, TANG TANG TANG TANG TING TONG CLACK!", yells the showboating
Holmes to the bemused factotum, before being subdued by three concerned
anaesthetists and a heavyset volunteer.
-
A married man masturbates into a sock every night.
-
A bald prince watches Eastenders.
-
On Christmas morning a knackered and slightly pissed mother has a go on the flying drone.
She watches the funeral of the dachshund puppy from the kitchen window.
-
While at a Wrestling Extravaganza, an overweight Downs
Syndrome sufferer misguidedly grabs the crotch of a Geoff, a
fellow WWF fan, in the toilets of the Birmingham NEC. Seeing
the opportunity to fulfill a fantasy, Geoff motions towards a
cubicle. The Downs Syndrome performs sloppy oral on the fellow
fan, his fat lolling tongue working wonders.
Immediately after shooting his bolt Geoff is overwhelmed with self
loathing and punches the spunk faced retard unconscious and returns to
his wife and kids in row H.
-
ALL of the old ones pass away, especially Nan.
-
Oh dear.
-
15 minutes from the end of a Sunday afternoon ITV2 showing of "Back
to the Future", Roy Higgs, 39, bites down hard onto an unpopped Kernel
of microwavable popcorn.
His new bridge was only fitted two weeks prior.
-
A short, fat, middle aged man and his pale, anorexic wife look
really out of place at a Kings of Leon concert. They make their way home
early after hearing 'Sex on Fire.' Pulling into the street they realise
they forgot to leave any lights on. There are no children.
Trevor and Simon fail to be recognised by anyone anymore. It is both a blessing and a curse.
A morbidly obese foster child finishes stone last in an egg and spoon race in Loughborough.
Keith
Harris goes to withdraw money at an ATM, but has insufficient funds.
Later that day he stuffs Orville into a wheelie bin and writes angry,
frightening words on Twitter.
-
Keith Harris goes to withdraw money at an ATM, but has sufficient
funds. Reluctantly he replies to the e-mail request from a Bangor
University student society and brings the Orville suitcase down from the
loft.
A Bangor University drinking society sign up Orville the
Duck and a Ricky Gervais tribute act to honour the untimely death of
legendary member, Raff.
-
Rummaging around his kitchen drawers for a light bulb, Bruno Brookes
finds the spare key for a Saab he owned in the early 90s. He stares
blankly out of the window and recalls a sad memory.
A stuntman finds a lump.
A badger with a limp crawls into a hole near a Nursery School, and dies.
Eddie
'The Eagle' Edwards wakes up in a B&B in Goole with a raging
hangover and no trousers. He has no idea how he got there, or how he's
going to get home.
-
A Day Today fan, working in his first week as a pool attendant
witnesses the death of 35 primary school children in a freak
pool-electric heater accident at the only public pool remaining in
Paignton.
-
Sue Pollard verbally abuses a traffic warden on a Derby side street.
A
middle aged BNP member is on a day out at the zoo and calls a enclosure
of Black Panthers, 'black bastards' under his breath.
On a works night out, a married woman deepthroats a saveloy outside a funeral parlour in Barnsley.
-
A rotund male nurse with pronounced moobs requests a transfer to the
mastectomy ward of the general hospital. The cause of his hatred of
women, not passing the pencil test.
A balding Liverpudlian saves
up all the scars from his self harming and puts them in a jar on the
bedside cabinet. In three years time he will have enough tissue to braid
himself a mersey beat leather wig.
A compulsive masturbator grouts the tiles in his bathroom with his brothers smegma.
A tragic individual confesses on an internet forum that he is too depressed to make cheese on toast for himself.
-
An earthworm slowly dries out in the back garden of a Mansfield
council estate. A curious Jack Russell has a brief sniff, before coiling
out a really messy turd near a moss-covered 'Little Tikes' car.
Christopher Biggins starts to forget things.
An
avid Star Wars fan in his 60s misses out on a signed Boba Fett trading
card on Ebay by 7 pence, and stamps on his plastic Millenium Falcon
replica in a pique of rage.
-
A Russian wildlife officer, forced into unemployment, alcoholism and
krokodil abuse by the collapse of the rouble, shoots the last wild
Siberian tiger.
Six months later, its dried penis fails to cure a
repressed homosexual Chinese paper magnate's impotence as he vainly
grinds away against a 15 year old girl prostitute (from a persecuted
minority) in a Burmese fuck dungeon.
-
Also, catford.
-
Huddersfield, yesterday. A stack of CDs entitled Ronan Keating: Songs For Mother lie unsold on an otherwise empty shelf in a Sainsburys Local.
-
Recently divorced bus driver Mike sits in a dark stuffy room
watching old episodes of 'Scrapheap Challenge' on fuzzy VHS. There is a
rampant erection in his pants, and it's not for Lisa Rogers.
-
A man desperately searches his favourite comedy forum for a short
post that made him laugh about six months ago. He pretty much
recalls exactly what it was, but Google searching any combination of the
words he remembers proves unfruitful. After two days of
searching, he eventually finds it. It wasn't even that funny,
really.
Loosely based on a true story.
-
Jack Whitehall crowned "King of Comedy".
-
For the third year in a row.
-
In the grey hours of dawn, Eamonn Holmes trawls the Internet in
search of misspellings of his name. It is his one pleasure in
life.
-
After an hour of sporadic success, Eammon changes his search term to John Holmes and unzips.
-
Upon unzipping, Eamonn discovers that his penis has been replaced by
an aged jalapeño pepper. He fondles it morosely, before rubbing
his eyes in sorrow.
-
Unfortunately the fondling caused the pepper to discuss discharge a
single tear of spunky capsicum which is now rubbed into both eyes.
The shrieking causes his wife to investigate. What she sees
haunts her for the rest of her days.
-
Geoff Capes stands in the fruit section at Asda, holding a
grapefruit under his chin and extending his other arm. He looks around
for a sign of recognition in the faces of the other customers. 10
minutes pass. No one says anything. No one makes eye contact. Head down,
he drops the grapefruit into his hand basket and walks off towards the
alcohol aisle.
-
A Fred West lookalike saved up to have plastic surgery in order to resemble Jeff Brazier
-
A leper wastes his last breath on a tin whistle.
-
A chimpanzee carcass is hailed as the best and brightest by Runcorn town mayor, Godfrey Fruup
-
An angsty teenager visits an elderly grand-aunt in her small one bed
flat. She offers him a biscuit, a Garibaldi, from a yellowing
Tupperware. The thought of her transferring the biscuits from the Co-op
own brand wrapper is almost enough to break the young man's heart; he
yearns for the innocence of childhood, which is slipping away for ever.
-
An
angsty teenager visits an elderly grand-aunt in her small one bed flat.
She offers him a biscuit, a Garibaldi, from a yellowing Tupperware. The
thought of her transferring the biscuits from the Co-op own brand
wrapper is almost enough to break the young man's heart; he yearns for
the innocence of childhood, which is slipping away for ever.
Wow, GentleJoshing, I actually felt a pang in my own heart there. Good work.
-
A man lies in bed a 5:40 AM browsing the MySpace (yes, fucking myspace)
pages of former schoolmates that he hasn't viewed for at least five
years. He is still able to remember who had set their profiles to
private before he clicks on them again.
-
Yikes.
Nah, can't write about that. Grim. Grim. Fucking Grim.
-
Harwich's Samantha Jones regurgitates Oreo and banana pellets
for her young, slapping her arse vis-à-vis the Asda money-saving
physical slogan as the knelt brood silently feast.
-
Harwich's
Samantha Jones regurgitates Oreo and banana pellets for her young,
slapping her arse vis-à-vis the Asda money-saving physical slogan as the
knelt brood silently feast.
Is that a forgotten verse from The Fall's New Face In Hell?
-
A wizened old man desperately scans Rush-Hour Crush in the Metro for any mentions that could feasibly allude to him.
-
A housewife seasons her husbands 30th anniversary dinner with pepper. She knows he hates pepper.
-
It's Parma Violets for dinner.
-
Is that a forgotten verse from The Fall's New Face In Hell?
Naw, nicked from U2's The Sweetest Thing
-
A fat man on a mobility scooter soils himself in the freezer aisle
of Lidl, but carries on shopping anyway. The smell lingers around him
around like a hideous turd spectre. Fellow customers complain about the
stench, but the true source will always remain a mystery to them.
A Phillipa Forrester fan forum which once boasted 13 members, closes without fanfare after 11 whole years of inactivity.
Brian Sewell baulks at a shivering tramp on Christmas Eve.
-
An elderly man looks at the slight incline in front of him and
wishes he was dead. Later he trips on some bark, bumps his head and dies
of internal bleeding.
IN A FIELD FULL OF TURDS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
-
I think I was a member of the phillipa forester Internet fan club but found cab and revoked my membership
-
Brian Sewell baulks at a shivering tramp on Christmas Eve.
Brian Sewell is nice. (http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=Q1M9ipiZfPk)
-
A self hating autopedorast teaches himself to cry in morse code. The
dots and dashes of his tears transmit his incompetencies down his cheek
and out into the wider world. Daft cunt and even my nasal hair is fat
waft into the cosmos. In the distance the poetry of Pam Ayers can be
heard on a poorly received A.M frequency or is it Countdown on the
portable in the bedroom? In the kitchen he positions himself for entry
for the seventh time this afternoon. It's spaghetti hoops cold out of
the tin for supper tonight.
-
The bit about the distant radio is poignant
-
34-year old Call Centre worker Martin gets dropped off at work by
his dad every morning. His mam made his packed lunch for him, ham
sandwiches and pickled onion Monster munch, with a Dairylea dunker
and carton of Um Bongo.
His favourite band is Coldplay.
-
Having spent all day drinking, Brian Gulch stands in the ALDI car
park where the old greyhound stadium used to be, his gut spilling out
over his 1995/96 Scunthorpe United away shirt. An imaginary race
meeting is taking place in his head. He hands a baffled trolley
attendant his last tenner and asks him to put it on the greyhound in
Trap 4. Despite loud shouts of encouragement from Brian,
this imaginary dog still comes last.
-
A bloke called Gary goes carp fishing.
-
A portly school-leaver over-does it with the punch on his Prom
Night, and declares his undying love for a fellow male pupil, loudly
over a DJ's microphone. The feeling is not mutual. Sniggers are heard
through the awkward silence. Videos are taken and go viral within
minutes. The youth quietly puts the microphone down and waddles off into
the unforgiving night.
-
Pitcher & Piano, Friday, 19:04. A circle of corpulent
40-something husbands and fathers in untucked XXL check shirts block
access to a large section of the bar as they trade incredibly loud
sexual remarks about a crying teenage girl sat just a few feet away.
-
A window cleaner has his lunch break in a Skoda, reading The Sun and eating tinned luncheon meat sandwiches.
(A real one I observed, there.)
-
That sounds nice. You can't fault them for their choice of paper, not everybody is middle class.
-
BTW, I've never met one but I think the working classes call it "Spam".
-
A town cryer moves to ring his bell only to find that some prankster
has removed the clapper and pulled his trousers down to reveal his
buttocks and balls.
-
Emz is awarded the freedom of Yarm.
-
On Channel 4 in the near future, a scene from 'I'm a celebrity..'
featuring Joey Essex eating a kangaroo's anus is voted funnier than the
Two Ronnies 'Mastermind' sketch AND Del Boy falling through a bar.
-
A Yorkshire puddding is left uneaten.
-
Well, I could have that. Glass half full.
-
A shit man's happiest thought of the day is finding an unwanted Yorkshire pudding to eat.
-
Paul Ross eats out of date Pez in a broken down train at Penrith,
reading an interview with Dappy from Ndubz in a free, shit, glossy
magazine.
-
Paul Ross bends over some bollards in a service station car park at
1am and has his anus violated by a passing truck driver whilst a
crouching man wanks in a nearby bush.
Afterwards he buys an overpriced scotch egg and cries.
-
Christmas 1996. A woman sporting a swathe of facial tumours
invites a passerby in for a Yuletine drink. The passerby, on the
way to her shift at the Samaritans, sorrowfully declines.
True.
-
Paul
Ross bends over some bollards in a service station car park at 1am and
has his anus violated by a passing truck driver whilst a crouching man
wanks in a nearby bush.
Afterwards he buys an overpriced scotch egg and cries.
A demented forum user cowers near a poplar spectating on the sexual satisfactions of middle aged men.
-
Severely autistic teen Kevin, 17 - who refuses to eat anything
other than tinned spaghetti and Space Raiders - embarrasses his
exhausted, terminally-single mother by shouting sexual swear-words as
she chats to a handsome stranger in Home Bargains.
-
This little blind creature, only a few days old, turning its head
every which way in search of something or other, this naked skull, this
initial baldness, this tiny monkey that has sojourned for months in a
latrine and that soon, forgetting its origins, will spit on the
galaxies...
-
Mark Oaten sitting on a frosty park bench in Llandudno eating a Topic when a seagull passes over and shits on his cagool.
-
An associate professor of philosophy with no remaining leave wakes
up on the morning of the year's first lecture with a severe case of
strep throat. He exclusively owns black wool turtlenecks.
-
An overweight media studies student with a blond wispy beard camps
out for 3 days in the rain for the newest iPhone in a failed attempt to
get out the friend zone.
A fox pisses on him.
-
A school boy tries to impress his friends by kicking a seagull. He misses and jumps with fright when it flies towards him.
His friends call him a poof.
-
An 11 year old boy can't be arsed to pretend to like the knitted
football scarf his 78 year old gran spent 5 months making for Christmas.
A tramp trips over anti-sleep spikes and breaks his two front teeth.
A chip disintegrates in a puddle over the course of 3 days.
A 47 year old man smugly posts a "witty" tweet and sniggers to himself, he is alone.
-
A Romanian chainsmoker from Telford with high blood pressure fishing
by the canal side snags himself a discarded moss covered VHS copy of
'Stopit and Tidyup'.
A tramp regains consciousness on a Wednesday afternoon and wipes cat sick of his 5 o'clock shadow.
A
57yr old one eyed welder from Acocks Green gets a Russell Brand sticker
book at work from a secret Santa a week after his mom dies from
pneumonia.
-
This (http://www.lookalikes.info/our-lookalikes/hollywood/bill-cosby-(patrick-jackson)) bloke's bookings.
-
A bald man with a smoker's cough shopping in Drayton Bassett wearing
a David Icke T-shirt shouts at some schoolkids laughing and kicking a
moldy copy of 'Fiesta' outside an old people's home.
-
An ageing former professional Rolf Harris lookalike opens another
rejection letter from KFC and wearily googles 'voluntary bankruptcy'.
-
A 47-year old Basingstoke man spends the evening of his 25th wedding
anniversary playing Call of Duty Modern Warfare. His alopecia-
suffering wife went to bed hours ago, with a copy of 'Take A Break' and a
jumbo bag of mint imperials.
A weary father of three spends his
first hour after returning from work dealing with their Haribo and
CBeebies meltdowns. His bitter, exhausted partner berates him for
something he didn't do earlier, as he clings onto the thought that in
about 4 hours time, he'll get to have that wank he's yearned for all
day.
-
A spotty teenage sales assistant at Carpet Right get's run over by a Ford Orion with BNP on the number plate in Walsall.
-
A twenty-one year old man reads the entire 'Desolation' thread.
-
A twenty-one year old man reads the entire 'Desolation' thread.
35
-
I lonely old man harks back to his glory days when he was featured
in the "One for the ladies" section of Razzle draped over the bonnet of a
brown Ford Granada with his bellend out.
-
A mind magnified by ABBA.
-
A 32-year-old man with autism who in exactly three weeks will be
arrested for stalking quietly browses Amazon for a bracelet to buy for
Taylor Swift.
-
A 19-year-old progressive rock fan with an unfortunate face attends a
King Crimson concert alone. During a drum solo, he strikes up a
conversation with a 47 year old bald man with gout. They leave the venue
together, both heterosexual but desperate for the fleeting possibility
of physical intimacy.
-
An autistic Autistic autistics his way through some other autistics
and finds the Grand Palace of Autistic. He gets the code right (cos he's
like well autistic) and then enters the Chamber of Autistic. He
autistics his way to the end of level autistic guardian and he wins. But
being like all autistic and shit, he does not smile or signify any
emotion.
Autistic autistic autistic.
-
Leon Jackson looks at himself in the bathroom mirror. He is 54 years old.
-
A 31 year old man plays Mario Kart 8 at 11:30pm. There is a pretty
Mii girl in the game and he wonders what she looks like in real life. He
spams the Hello! button in a futile attempt to make contact. She leaves
the server.
-
Your blind date for the evening brings a large jar of pickled
eggs to your first meeting. She eats them all at one sitting talking
loudly about, 'only kiddies with diseases (meaning herself) should be
allowed to win the lottery and how her previous boyfriend cured her sore
throat by putting a throat lozenge on the end of his penis and asking
her to suck it off'. She cackles loudly at her own anecdote before
questioning you about how many strepsils can you fit under your
foreskin. She cackles again. Towards the end of the evening she proudly
states, " it's all right love I take it up the ass" in the taxi on the
way home. To give her point emphasis she let's out a rather loud
sulphurous smelling fart. A sentimental song from the seventies
starts playing on the cab radio. She starts crying and tells you this
was the song that played on her walkman when she drowned her first
kittens in the village horse trough. She pulls you forward and starts
kissing you passionately in the area of your mouth.
Reader I married her.
-
A
32-year-old man with autism who in exactly three weeks will be arrested
for stalking quietly browses Amazon for a bracelet to buy for Taylor
Swift.
u ok hun? x
-
Three hundred people with colds enter a large department store for
the 10am browsing hour on a Sunday, their growls supressed by the fear
of punitive measures and familial disappointment. The ambient
temperature is set at 28 celsiums. Their viruses collaborate and mutate.
Their reward is a gout-heavy cardboard tumbler of gingerbread toffee
mocha locker fudge slush, with sprinkles.
-
A newspaper hoarder from Wolverhampton self diagnoses himself with
Amnesia when he can't recall a mental image of Taylor Swift midway
through the vinegar strokes.
A pigeon chokes on a pencil rubber outside Rumbelows in 1992.
44yr
old Dr Who fan from Wigan with learning difficulties cries himself to
sleep when he sees an angry Peter Capaldi using naughty words in another
program he doesn't understand.
-
A man with stumps for arms is attacked by angry hornets at a garden party in Plymouth.
Someone calls John Noakes a cunt on Twitter on his birthday.
A
67-year old fat man attends a Sonic the Hedgehog comic-con in
Vancouver, dressed as Doctor Robotnik. 7 miles away, his terminally ill
wife lies in a hospital bed watching Pimp my Ride, on the only channel
available to her.
-
A middle aged bald man in Birmingham wearing an ill fitting hi-viz
jacket, inhaling lighter gas, and standing on the canal side in the
rain.[1]
-
Another one recently witnessed: A pasty ugly fat man on disability
benefits pulling up outside Wetherspoons in his mobility scooter at 8 in
the morning to begin the day the same way he as he has done for the
last god knows how many years.
-
u ok hun? x
A
32-year-old man with autism who in exactly three weeks will be arrested
for stalking quietly browses Amazon for a bracelet to buy for Seth
Rogen.
-
A divorced father of 3 from Portishead wets himself after spending
48hrs pissed up and falling asleep in front of his telly watching 'The
Good Life' collection on VHS.
89yr old Peter from Bournemouth still refuses to talk to his Japanese care worker after decades of flashbacks.
A tramp shitting on a sun faded mega monster munch packet in Swansea.
-
An overweight northern magician somehow finagles a consultant
position with a TV production company, unable to add much in the way of
imagination to proceedings he uses it to blag various mail-order tricks
at expense under the umbrella of 'research' and insisting on also having
his nearby hotel paid for including the short taxi journeys to and from
the development location, he spends his nights fiddling dejectedly with
disappointing cheap gimmicks that arrive in the post that are not all
the blurb cracked them up to be, and wanking lots.
-
A charmless, unemployed Solihull man shouts 'Enoch Powell was
right!' in his local pub during a harmless debate with his friends. He
is too uneducated and clueless to back his statement up, so drinks up
and retreats back to his cold, unlit, empty house.
The comments
section on a Youtube video of a cute hamster descends into a homophobic,
anti-semitic rant between a Hispanic wannabe gangster and an Austrian
man in his 40s.
-
A tramp sits on a bus.
A bus runs over a tramp.
A tramp shits in a bus.
A bus roars past a tramp at 40 mph and splashes him with grey dirty snow slush.
A tramp roars at a bus.
-
I should have only posted "A tramp roars at a bus". It took me those other ones to get there though. Oh well.
A shifty bloke spends his Sunday evening worrying about a post on uk comedy forum.
-
A serial killer fills a leatherette purse, a trophy from his first victim, with kneecaps.
A
mildly retarded single mother lights another cigarette and microwaves a
greggs sausage roll, still in its bag, for her 2 year old
daughter. It's the sixth this week.
A man breaks his dogs ribs
after it eats a pork chop from his plate that he put down to answer the
door to a bald man offering free cavity wall insulation.
-
A bus roars at a tramp.
-
A lion eats a tramp. On a bus. Then roars.
-
A redundant Bulgarian lion-tamer with no teeth eats scrambled egg, with a comb, from a shoe. On a bus.
A tramp laughs at him.
-
A tramp in a shopping centre eats the Sunday Sport for a bet.
-
Tramps lol.
-
heroin addict grandson fidgets and squirms as he tries to find the
end on a roll of sellotape because his nan has promised him a tenner if
he helps her wrap the xmas prezzies he just wants to cry in desperation
but he's too far gone even his emotions are lost now
-
An "extremely physically attractive" Tesco checkoutgirl laughs out
loud at a group of tramps, just days after being terrorized by a CaB
poster
(http://www.mirror.co.uk/news/uk-news/extremely-physically-attractive-tesco-checkout-4775494).
-
A guillemot returns from hunting to see its nest and young dashed on the rocks below.
-
A divorcee smashes his TV when he saw an Ethiopian child wearing the
donated Millwall away top his ex wife donated to charity in spite.
A Polish beggar wins the 'Home to Roost' collection on VHS at a YMCA raffle.
A
roofer from Chipping Norton rolls over in bed to pull the pants out his
arse crack while his Mrs next to him updates her adultwork profile on
her sons iPad.
-
A man's childhood cassette tapes of pretend radio shows are thrown in the bin.
-
A small stuffed bear, hugged by its owner every day for years, is
thrown into a binbag with some crockery and donated to Scope. It
sits on the shelf, priced at 10p, for over two years. It is then
thrown into an incinerator.
-
A gay vicar from Hereford gets told to "fuck off" by carol singers on his doorstep.
A
schoolboy gets a thick ear from his obese mum when he comes home early
from school and accidentally catches her in the bathroom halfway through
her vinegar flicks.
-
A former tramp sneerily posts vile anecdotes about other
(continuing) tramps on an outdated comedy forum and gets negative karma
from a bald man in Leeds.
-
A former Hillsborough survivor gets trampled in a black Friday sale.
-
A 76 year old Teddy Boy with tubes coming out of his nostrils,
stands purchasing reduced-price whelks and full strength Regals from a
frowning Bangladeshi man in a musky Glamorgan cornershop.
-
(http://i.dailymail.co.uk/i/pix/2014/12/20/2431895C00000578-0-image-m-5_1419109001675.jpg)
"It can smell fish....Rotting fish...."
-
An extremely attractive girl with a lovely personality very publically shits herself for some reason
-
(http://i1320.photobucket.com/albums/u525/VoddyM/0822f233-dec0-4a54-8f37-120a49839222_zps4eb34fd2.jpg)
-
Winston Churchill crying due to old age and confusion alongside a 6
year old and future Archbishop of Canterbury crying with him out of
youth and sympathy. All the more desolate for this scenario having
actually happened, apparently sometime in the 1960s.
-
Leicester, 1989. A neurotic, pretty alt-girl sits for 11 hours solid
listening to Transition Vamp's 'Baby I Don't Care,' on cassette, whilst
writing bizarre, disturbing love letters to Gary Numan with a
malfunctioning fountain pen.
-
Gary Numan takes to the stage on the first stop of his new tour.
During the third song his wig falls off and his balding middle aged
audience laugh wildly.
-
a man sits drinking alone in a pub garden in gloucester at 6.30pm, a
few short days before christmas. then he dies or whatever. true story
-
(http://news.bbcimg.co.uk/media/images/79882000/jpg/_79882865_79882863.jpg)
-
Kirsty Allsop gets called 'fat' on Twitter by a single mom from Cheadle.
-
A hearse stalls on Tesco roundabout.
-
Blackpool.
No explanation needed, just the place name is enough.
-
A man with a harelip is unsuccessful in every interview he has ever attended.
A
Prader Willi sufferer succumbs to a BOGOF deal and buys 8 tins of
Goblin hamburgers and three loaves of economy white bread. Total
cost, £3.45. He makes 32 hamburger sandwiches and eats them in one
sitting, drinking the spare onion gravy from the pot,
whilst watching episodes of Holby City.
A woman in her early 20's has her life controlled by soap operas, including omnibus editions.
-
Krokodil Dundee
-
A 35 year old woman buys all of her grandkids' toys at Poundland in a mad rush on Christmas Eve.
-
A man in Rhyl puts up issue one of Amiga Power featuring a Bombuzal
cover disk on Ebay for £14.99, a similar man in St Helens messages him
in regard the condition of the cover disk and bids on assurance that it
is in working order, it isn't but he prevaricates in some intangible
abstract externalisation there will be no lengthy and ultimately tedious
consequences to this.
-
On christmas day two strangers, both men, unbeknownst to each other,
argue bitterly on an internet discussion board about abortion
rights.
-
An unemployed WWE fan from Swanage with a cleft pallet still has no messages in his OKCupid inbox.
-
(http://static.guim.co.uk/sys-images/Guardian/Pix/pictures/2013/12/15/1387134697156/Cristiano-Ronaldo-poses-w-001.jpg)
(http://static.goal.com/751600/751662_heroa.jpg)
(http://i.huffpost.com/gen/1439331/thumbs/o-CRISTIANO-RONALDO-900.jpg?15)
(http://i.huffpost.com/gen/1803440/thumbs/o-CRISTIANO-RONALDO-570.jpg)
(http://i3.tinypic.com/82y2phi.jpg)
-
A woman with acute dwarfism falls asleep on a train and ends up 129 miles from home.
A
middle-aged man who should know better, sings along to his 'Best of The
Cure' CD whilst assembling an Airfix Messerschmidt in Carlisle.
A
paedophile with cerebral palsy sits covertly outside a Suffolk Junior
school. A passing abbatoir van full of sad cattle briefly diverts his
attention.
-
A woman with acute dwarfism falls asleep on a train and ends up 129 miles from home.
A
middle-aged man who should know better, sings along to his 'Best of The
Cure' CD whilst assembling an Airfix Messerschmidt in Carlisle.
A
paedophile with cerebral palsy sits covertly outside a Suffolk Junior
school. A passing abbatoir van full of sad cattle briefly diverts his
attention.
*piano break plays*
Going over to Susan's House. I can't be alone tonight.
-
All morning, I did nothing but repeat: ''Man is an abyss, man is an
abyss''. - I could not, alas, find anything better.
-
After a failure to rear a brood in its global-warming ravaged
breeding ground north of Lake Baikal, a woodcock flies tirelessly, night
after night for five thousand miles to its winter refuge near Hemel
Hempstead.
As it passes over London it is distracted by
the lights of a newly opened 24 hour betamax video library and pop tart
restaurant in Dalston and breaks almost every bone in its body, before
bouncing to rest under the wheels of a fixed gear bike.
true story.
(http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v312/Touchmaster/IMG_0745_zpsb71dcd8c.jpg)
-
A 65 year old Economics teacher discovers the charms of 3D CGI asian tentacle porn.
-
A 65 year old Economics teacher discovers the charms of 3D CGI asian tentacle porn.
That's not bleak; it's a heartwarming tale for Christmas. Lonely man funds fulfillment. Lovely.
-
A secondary school teacher is diagnosed with cancer a day after taking early retirement.
-
A bookies. Any bookies.
-
Gary's friends swap the last two letters of his name for a more
colloquial z in an attempt to airlift the lifelong veil of prosiness
from his dry and flaking scalp.
-
That's not bleak; it's a heartwarming tale for Christmas. Lonely man funds fulfillment. Lovely.
I would Google that if I wasn't sat next to my mother in a church.
-
I meant Asian tentacle porn.
-
A 53-year old lady with a slight moustache and no ambition - working
in the complaints department of a British Gas call centre - is denied
any annual leave in the week leading up to Christmas by her overly-camp,
21-year old team leader. Her double-amputee war-hero son and
bells-palsy suffering grand-daughter will now have to wait until
December 29th to see her.
A lonely cross-dresser kills himself in
a pique of desperation after being ridiculed on Twitter. The story
makes page 19 of The Mirror, directly on the other side of some
money-off vouchers for Aldi.
A Divine Comedy fan orders a second-hand penis pump from Amazon.
-
3am, Christmas Day. Alone in bed, Les Dennis stares into the abyss. Dustin Gee stares back.
-
A
53-year old lady with a slight moustache and no ambition - working in
the complaints department of a British Gas call centre - is denied any
annual leave in the week leading up to Christmas by her overly-camp,
21-year old team leader. Her double-amputee war-hero son and bells-palsy
suffering grand-daughter will now have to wait until December 29th to
see her.
British Gas: Explore our exciting new tariffs
-
Dustin may no longer be able to tell the police, but he knows. He knows.
-
True:
Opposite a derelict former sex shop, which is situated
beside a dilapidated haberdashery with crappy children's toys stuffed in
the windows, stands a "games centrum" on Georgestrasse in Bremerhaven,
Germany.
One drizzly grey afternoon i wandered past the building
and peered inside the dust covered windows - almost black. As I passed
the door, it opened and I saw inside a woman behind a kiosk whose face
was a sickly green, staring silently and grimly into the murkiness
beyond. She looked a bit like the woman who says "Silencio" at the end
of Mulholland Drive, but more skeletal.
Grim as fuck.
Desolation.
Before:
(http://www.schwiebert.lima-city.de/wp-content/uploads/2014/01/1920-bremerhaven-georgstr-geestemuende.jpg)
After:
(http://www.standort-geestemuende.de/uploads/pics/Georgstr68_b._S_01.jpg)
(http://www.schwiebert.lima-city.de/wp-content/uploads/2014/02/2014_georgstr.43_geestemuende.jpg)
(http://imganuncios.mitula.net/2_zimmer_wohnung_in_geestemunde_100584578923416678.jpg)
-
A young lady with weak hair and severe yeast infection is dumped by
her boyfriend via a cruel text message on New Year's Day 2003.
A
jovial, curly-haired man in a faded lumberjack shirt, clutching a Netto
carrier bag full of meat, asks Daley Thompson for his autograph, but is
told to go away.
An ex-Joke Shop in a forgotten part of town,
stands boarded up for the 23rd year in a row. No-one knows who owns it,
or the source of the tormented 3am wails from within.
-
A Yates' Wine Lodge in Swansea advertises a fancy dress night on Boxing Day.
A 22 year old man sets Paradise by Coldplay as his ringtone. It is the only decision he makes of his free will that week.
A
44 year old receptionist receives the bad news that her favourite tit
is to be cut off on Valentines day. Who will love me now,
she thinks as she scarfs down a packet of Tangfastics.
-
A mild-mannered choirmaster is too shy to hold a door open for a
quadroplegic man in his local Co-op, and just lets the door shut on him
instead.
Mumbling First year economics student Carl pretends to
do something on his phone to avoid speaking to cute redhead Emily,
despite their being huge mutual attraction between them.
-
A man fails to make a stitch in time, incurring the necessity for nine further stitches.
-
New years eve in 'the biggest and bestest' nightclub in Rugby,
a bald man with a fake pink Le Shark shirt asks a rough looking 52 year
old grandmother if she has a baldy fanny.
-
A scared kid on his first day at a new school fumbles nervously
under the the top of his desk only to find half a dozen ancient chewing
gums stuck there. He smells his fingers and gets a whiff of stale
spearmint.
-
A man with no eyes is tricked by his racist friends to walk into a
Chinese restaurant with ping pong balls in his empty sockets and ask for
a number thirteen. He later chokes to death on a glass eye he failed to
notice in his boil in the bag curry.
-
A single father from Derby dressed as Batman climbs up the local
town hall in a CSA protest. He gets shat upon by a passing Robin.
-
Darren fucks himself up the shitter in a Travelodge.
-
^ Not. A. Blog.
Darren
-
A fucking welder from Birmingham doesn't get a Xmas bonus this year
and knows he'll get a spooning rejection from Svetlana the morning after
for fuck sake.....
.......cunts.
-
An African man stationed in the toilets of a Middlesbrough Working
Men's Club asks a happily married husband in an XXL Matalan polo shirt
if he wants a £1 spray of Lynx Java, 'for da punani'
-
Geoff Capes, sporting a permed mullet and beige loafers, comes last in a bucking bronco competition
-
A lovely man with a severe stutter and lisp struggles to order a
bottle of Budweiser and a bacon bagel for table seventy-seven at a
packed branch of Wetherspoons.
-
He mops up his semen from the forest of light ginger hairs on his
chest with a desultory square of toilet proffered from the wheezing
prostitute, who is leant against an airing cupboard, haggling on the
phone with her next client as a fart escapes and dies from her once
efficient anus. He silently cursing her last minute aim of cock
direction and prepares to brave the Doncastrian night.
-
Guy Fieri stands alone inside his new restaurant, due to open the next day. He sincerely hopes everyone likes it.
A
shy man finally confesses his true feelings to a close female friend,
who kindly but pointedly turns him down. He walks through the rainy
night with no particular destination. He finds himself at a closed,
almost empty food court, where he sits, wanting to cry but unable to do
so. At the next table, a tramp farts.
-
A West Bromwich Albion fan wakes from his hangover on a Thursday
afternoon to find his ferret has escaped and drowned in the toilet.
-
A man waits alone at a bus stop for the number 27 into town. He is
joined by a woman with child. There is silence. Eventually, the child
speaks:
"Mum, why don't you go to work anymore?"
Without time for thought the woman responds:
"Shut up Sean."
The silence returns. The child never speaks again.
-
A heron gets trapped in a collapsed shed in County Kildare during a fierce storm. It dies of starvation a week later.
A man solemnly masturbates in the dark while watching a YouTube compilation of the lapdancing sequences from I'm Alan Partridge.
A drunk man with suspected borderline personality disorder tries to vomit on a towel but misses.
-
Terry Waite bursts into tears near a Wrexham foodbank, whilst filming a documentary for Channel 5.
-
A
bald/unemployed/congenitally disabled/mentally ill/homeless
man/woman/pansexual/child
nursing an
agonisingly painful / extremely disfiguring terminal illness / phimosis
shit themselves / noisily eats a Rustlers Turkey Burger
in a
Crawley/Plumstead/Worksop/Macclesfield/Lancing
Bus station/ferry port/abandoned bingo hall/storm drain
-
The Queen does her speech GANGNAM STYLE.
-
It is the year 1567. A peasant farmer, Archibald de Bauldie,
has a premonition that his master's land will one day become a
settlement known as East Kilbride. He becomes manic and draws
sketches of strange, futuristic tunnels and ramps and great circles
around which chariots and wagons perambulate. He jabbers on
about a man with a strange bowl-shaped haircut pounding ineffectually on
a set of drums, flanked by two ragged-haired brothers bawling
incoherently. The village elders declare him possessed by a demon
and stone him to death.
-
(http://i1077.photobucket.com/albums/w469/Povidone_Colquhoun/c8151b59-da3e-4da5-9265-1b75409b7e4e.jpg)
Which door you ask? Why, that of the Motherwell Orange Hall.
-
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SrU4Rzy_Zu4 (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SrU4Rzy_Zu4)
Sweaty and fatty went to bed, fatty rolled over and sweaty was dead
-
White D gets an MBE
-
Bryan Ferry releases a new solo album.
-
- scrapped. Not desolate enough.
-
A young Tweeded gent composes a very long post about desolation intended for a comedy forum, scraps it and misses Christmas.
-
A man chucks bottles of old speckled hen that he bought on offer down his gullet on Christmas Eve.
Wait, actually that's alright innit. Fucking christmas eve I'll do what I like!
-
Mentally handicapped man told MGM lion probably dead now.[1]
-
A man chucks bottles of old speckled hen that he bought on offer down his gullet on Christmas Eve.
Wait, actually that's alright innit. Fucking christmas eve I'll do what I like!
How about Old
Speckled Hen not on offer so man steals a child's pet chicken from next
door and liquidises it with a pint of vodka before chugging it,
feathers and all, and choking to death as revellers sing their way home
from Midnight Mass
?
-
Or doesn't die but tears his arsehole shitting out a beak on Christmas morning.
-
Boxing Day, shurely.
The size of your Boxing Day anal fissure
-
A rich old man prowls the supermarket, elbowing a loving and poverty
stricken single mother out of the way as she reaches for some reduced
Santa Claus chocolates.
-
Midnight Mass biopsy returned; malignant.
-
Boozy priest overdosed on communion wine and stale bread found in icy pond on Christmas Day
-
Man gets a "Merry Christmas" email from Meridian Business Support.
Man has been deleting useless emails from Meridian Business Support all
year. Man sets fire to Meridian Business Support on Christmas Day.
-
Mentally handicapped man told MGM lion probably dead now.[1]
Derek Kind Magic Christmas Special
-
A youth on LSD is tasered into another dimension while scaling a drainpipe outside Greggs in Derby town centre.
A child wakes on Xmas morning to its parents arguing over fuck all.
A malnourished cat chows down on a saucer full of delicious tuna, laced with anti-freeze.
-
A group of chronic arthritis sufferers decide on a painful drawn out suicide pact by playing a game of twister
-
A Scottish woman, 38, tells her flu-ridden partner on christmas day
that she has had a really shit Christmas, and asks 'why are we even
together?' in front of their 1 and 3 year old kids. The man posts the
story on an internet forum whilst sat in a darkened bedroom. For fuck's
sake.
-
(http://ichef.bbci.co.uk/live-experience/cps/512/mcs/media/images/79938000/jpg/_79938477_swansea_fan_getty.jpg)
-
I'd like to think the back of that scarf is embroidered with the word "FUCK".
-
(http://i59.tinypic.com/jkaz2w.png)
Our desolation we bring, pa rum pa pum pum.
-
A man called Alan, who possesses a droopy moustache and a pronounced
limp from a bizarre gardening accident in 1994, visits his elderly
mother at a nursing home on Boxing Day, his only living relative. Her
senile dementia has progressively worsened over the year and she no
longer recognises him, instead just reclining in her chair, talking to
imaginery mice. The Emmerdale omnibus plays extremely loudly on a small
beige TV with a dodgy aerial, whilst Alan sits on the corner of her bed,
flicking through the Radio Times. There is literally nothing worth
watching at all over Christmas.
-
A time delay-afflicted Christmas Skype ends in tears across four
nations when aunt Fiona Miranda-related cackles fill the void
intended for Matty's causing death by dangerous driving charge to
permeate the festive jolliness. Dad rates the call as 'ok'.
-
A dwarf from Wolverhampton gets the shits on boxing day after his cat sneezed on the pork crackling.
-
BBC breakfast features a half hour piece about selfie sticks.
-
A bereaving man sits in his darkened kitchen, watching Little &
Large episodes on Youtube on his phone, to try and cheer himself up.
Paul
Daniels falls over in the snow in a wooded area near his house, and
breaks a leg, but no-one hears his faint cries for help. His mobile
phone is back at his house, charging on a marble worktop. Dusk arrives
and the blizzard worsens.
-
A mouse crawls inside a discarded cob outside Dungeness power station to keep warm.
-
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9KEW5w-k9d8
-
After receiving a phonecall in the early hours of Christmas morning
from his brother's mate to come collect his brother from the pub after
having a fight, the 20-something man gets called a cunt by his drunken
and incomprehensible brother who then falls asleep on the kitchen floor.
It was two years ago, though.
-
Arcs of semen fly in slow motion into a skip.
-
John throws milk onto his mother's grave. The cemetery orderlies shall have at it later.
-
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9KEW5w-k9d8
Ah, nature, truly thou art a cruel mistress.
The
really desolate thing there is all the idiotic comments about the fact
that the camera operator should have intervened. Morons.
-
A disgraced former BNP area secretary gets into a fist fight with a
timeshare tout in the bar of a half-finished holiday complex in
Torremolinos.
-
On his death bed, Dustin Gee tells Les Dennis that his signature Mavis impression is 'a fucking embarrassment'.
A Bicester prostitute does her weekly shop in Poundland.
Dappy returns an unwashed anal fleshlight to Love Honey after it snaps his banjo string.
-
http://notalwaysrelated.com/lamb-chopping-and-editing/32498
-
SOMEWHERE NEAR LEEDS, West Yorkshire. In a talkless blue Jeep on
gridlocked stretch of the A1, a CaBer writes 'Knowhow r shit' in the
window condensation in a bid to enrage the driver of a lorry he is
estimated to inch past in the coming weeks and add some much needed
spice to the drizzly standstill.
-
A 44yr old alcoholic from west Bromwich forgot where the bathroom
was. He stumbled into one of the bedrooms in the dark and urinated on
his son's max power collection.
A divorcee from Strood films
himself on youtube eating his own bodyweight in toast in an attempt to
get recognised by a comedian called Russell.
A Muslim gets a Xmas card in the post made by moon pig.
-
A spotty minimum wage adolescent is forced to clean a child's shite from a ball pool, ball by ball.
-
Faced with the stark message of "lose weight or die" that her doctor
thinks will finally hit home to permanently talkative and seldom
listening Elsie, she leaves the surgery with an twofold outcome rather
than advice embedded in her mind and flops herself from a multistorey
onto the roof of a Hyundai i10.
The car is flattened on its
return journey from post Christmas sales and the rear passengers, six
and eight year old sisters Samantha and Hazel, are killed instantly.
Elsie's GP becomes involved in the investigation and is struck off practicing medicine for eight years.
-
...forced to clean a child's shite from a ball pool, ball by ball.
My
step-daughter told us that this was one of the last jobs she and a
colleague had to complete before the Christmas break. The joys of
working in a "special" school.
-
A 15 year old Droitwich lad with a cleft palate is always the last
one picked in football during PE lessons. He has never finished on the
winning side. In the changing room, his defeated team-mates take it in
turns to ruthlessly pummel him with their bags.
A pensioner has a
seizure at a party, and collapses with enormous devastation onto his
great-grandson's remote control hovercraft. The child is more upset
about the hovercraft.
The actor who played Sgt. Cryer in the bill
is landed with a huge, unreasonable parking fine, a day after turning
down a minor role in 'Aladdin' at Sunderland Empire.
-
ONE
of the biggest stars of former television drama The Bill agreed to help
two South Derbyshire friends make a short film as he thought their
script was 'excellent'.
Eric Richard, who portrayed Sergeant Bob
Cryer in the ITV police series for 17 years, said he helped Paul
Syrstad, 22, and Saul Matlock, 23, as he saw potential in them.
-
...forced to clean a child's shite from a ball pool, ball by ball.
My
step-daughter told us that this was one of the last jobs she and a
colleague had to complete before the Christmas break. The joys of
working in a "special" school.
Should have put them in the washing machine. The balls. Not the kids.
-
Schools aren't known for having the brightest people in charge. Sadly.
-
December 29th. A man is put on hold. Staring into the middle
distance, he mimes blankly along to 'Rockin' Around the Christmas Tree'.
-
The next day, he is still on hold. The music has changed to Cliff Richard's Summer Holiday. The man ceased miming several hours ago. His eyelid twitches uncontrollably.
-
A man paid to walk back and forth with a sign advertising a pub on
the A303 is hit on the head by a Sunny D bottle filled with truckers
urine.
-
A worm gets cleaved in half by a chubby 45 year old manager of a
nandos as he rides the brand new £2000 road bike he got himself for
christmas. The two halves still alive slowly freeze to death as the the
coldest night of the year draws in. A fox scoffs them at 2:57am.
-
A hairy loner thinks 'ahh, what the hell' and has sexual relations
with a Jar Jar Binks doll that he purchased from Dr Barnardo's in 2004
for £1.76
-
15-year-old aspiring actor Gary tries out for the lead part in his
school's play. He fails to get it and is instead cast as a tree. At the
final rehearsal, he is the only person that the director shouts out for
messing up. Gary resolves to never give up his dream of becoming a
professional actor.
45-year-old professional actor Gary, who has just got his first lines in The Bill,
tries out for a middling part in his local community's Christmas
pantomine, just for a bit of fun. He fails to get it and is instead cast
as a Christmas tree. His wife, who has never acted in her life, is cast
in the part he auditioned for. His children ask him what the point of
his life is.
-
A
man paid to walk back and forth with a sign advertising a pub on the
A303 is hit on the head by a Sunny D bottle filled with truckers urine.
The George?
-
A man receives as his only Christmas present a novelty mug wrapped
in a tiny christmas jumper. He does not enjoy hot drinks.
The mug is broken in the packaging.
-
He uses the tiny Christmas jumper as a wank sock. It doesn't work.
-
He resorts to using the broken mug with dire and terminal consequences
-
It's the same mug that his mum used to fill with tea and leave for
him during the onanistic sessions of younger, happier days.
-
The George?
Yep. Used to depress the hell out of me seeing that guy over the years. Don't think he's there any more.
-
A balding, middle-aged care-home worker becomes aroused whilst
performing the Heimlich Maneuver on an elderley lady who is choking on a
Quaver. He is unsuccessful in saving her, but continues until
"completion", and no longer considers himself to be a virgin.
-
15 years from now Daniel Kitson suddenly develops a desire to earn a
load of cash and writes a musical called "Gigantic!" in partnership
with Black Francis utilising only Pixies songs.
-
Through an unexpected course of events, it wins him the Nobel Peace Prize.
-
A troglodyte with a desire to return to womb paints the walls of his
cavern with Shipmans sardine and tomato flavoured fish paste. He is
eaten by a grizzly bear while trying to justify his actions to a blind
scorpion
-
Faced with the stark message of "lose weight or die" Elsie loses weight then dies in a car crash.
-
You receive a Christmas card to the deceased previous tenant of your
flat. Inside are some used bus tickets with McDonalds discount vouchers
on the reverse. The message in the card reads 'get yourself something
hot to eat'.
A cat squats on your small, bare patio garden and
has a shit. It climbs back over the fence without noticing you watching.
You haven't been out for weeks.
-
With their resolve strengthened by various supportive friends and family members, The Inbetweeners
song band Morning Runner reform. After several days of bewildering
silence, they finally get a call back from a community centre in Rugby.
It's a no.
-
"Hello sir!" the waitress chirrups. "Have you ever eaten in a Harvester before?"
-
"Hello sir!" the waitress chirrups. "Have you ever eaten in a Harvester before?"
"No" he lies, because he secretly enjoys the introductory spiel and the rare instance of female contact.
And he has phimosis and all.
-
After winning the 2015 general election outright, David Cameron
finds himself espying his old nemesis Gordon Brown at 2am through the
windows of a night bus. He decides to board the same bus despite
having nowhere to go himself, then spends the entire journey sitting in
the old Labour leader's blind spot and chucking balls of chewed up
tissue at his glass eye, some of which bounce off and some of which
stick. For the entire 70 minute journey Brown doesn't even flinch.
-
"No" he lies, because he secretly enjoys the introductory spiel and the rare instance of female contact.
And he has phimosis and all.
His
awkward gaze immediately makes the waitress uncomfortable and she
nervously lies that she forgot something and will be right back. Moments
later a male waiter appears to give the introductory spiel.
-
A 27 year old cleaner finds a pair of ever so slightly soiled ladies
knickers on the dance floor after new years eve. After giving them a
cursory sniff he decides to take them home with him.
He keeps
them in his bedroom for a few weeks, using them occasionally as a
masturbatory aid, imagining what sort of woman they might previously
have belonged to. At no point does the reality -that they belonged to a
hairy 40 something white van man, who wore them after losing a bet -
ever cross his mind.
-
His
awkward gaze immediately makes the waitress uncomfortable and she
nervously lies that she forgot something and will be right back. Moments
later a male waiter appears to give the introductory spiel.
Having
been reacquainted with the Harvester ordering policy, he places his
order in much the same way you would in any other restaurant. A
hamburger with pickles instead of tomatoes. He goes "medium-well"
instead of his usual
"well-done-and-you-shouldn't-serve-ground-beef-any-less-than-that".
He even orders half a pint of cider. This is his very passive cry
for help.
The same waitress from before strolls by his table, keeping her distance. He takes the plunge,
"Have you seen Under The Skin?"
"No" she replies immediately, without breaking her stride.
His
hamburger arrives. They got the pickles right, but instead of the
bun they've simply squashed the contents of his burger between two
halved tomatoes. They never did bring him his half pint of cider.
He later experiences mild diarrhea.
-
A boring scientist loses all his slug research on a miniature steam
train and eats a poor quality takeaway rice dish for his tea.
-
Tim completes a 20 hour stint on Warcraft, knocks one out, eats his cum, and falls asleep.
-
The general public is informed that Bono is facing a life without
playing guitar only to be told later the diagnosis was wrong and he CAN
strum along to all his favourite U2 songs at stadium gigs after all.
-
1985, still wearing the condom from a failed posh wank a drunken
Derek (the self proclaimed voice of young Herefordshire) goes for a
piss in the local pub lavs. Unaware that his exposed and swelling cock
makes him look like he has a midget glassblower working in his trousers
he nods a friendly nod to the local knuckle dragger who is pissing
besides him... A mixture of shredded latex, blood, brain matter and
urine play sink the dog end as the freshly soaked knuckle dragger walks
back to the bar where he stays for the rest of the evening. Derek
now works as a singer in a Brotherhood of Man tribute act.
-
Saturday evening. A group of well heeled senior Freemasons celebrate
a birthday in a highly regarded local Indian restaurant. They all order
omelette and chips.
-
A grown man makes himself eggs with this.
(http://www.e-glue.fr/now/wp-content/uploads/2009/04/bento.jpg)
He is alone.
-
A half hearted wank while Louis Armstrong plays in the background.
-
A bloke called Gary goes carp fishing.
Brilliant,
I added my flamboyantly gay mate's dad on facebook years ago because I
thought it would be funny. We have no mutual friends, including my
friend - they don't get on. He is called Gary and all he ever
posts is incoherent racism and stuff about fishing too.
-
In an abandoned Irish resort in midwinter, the women's toilets of a
pub are unusable beyond repair. The only alternative is the disabled
toilet, which has no soap, a knee-level sink and is flooded.
A
lost tourist in Dublin eats in a Vietnamese restaurant while reading a
newspaper, which catches the edge of a candle and bursts into flames,
drawing the attention of the other diners. He is alone.
-
Brilliant,
I added my flamboyantly gay mate's dad on facebook years ago because I
thought it would be funny. We have no mutual friends, including my
friend - they don't get on. He is called Gary and all he ever
posts is incoherent racism and stuff about fishing too.
My post was based on a FB acquaintance (not called Gary) who's into carp fishing and racism. All very bleak.
-
A sad man moves 3000 miles away from Essex. His wife then discovers 13 seasons of TOWIE available to watch on Hulu Plus.
-
New Year's Day, and 41-year old divorcee Kevin Ditch vows that 2015
is going to be 'His Year.' Minutes later, he shuts the curtains of his
dank flat, and takes a few sips of badly-stirred Cup-a-Soup from his
'Port Vale's No.1 Fan' mug. Then, in a ritual he's enjoyed for years, he
settles down in front of his standard-definition TV for a massive
Babestation wank.
After the deed, and panged with guilt, he plays
FIFA 15 on his PS4 for 9 hours solid, occasionally swearing angrily
down the headset at the 12-year old online rivals who keep beating him.
-
A sad man moves 3000 miles away from Essex. His wife then discovers 13 seasons of TOWIE available to watch on Hulu Plus.
Even
though I know Essex has many beautiful areas and villages the name of
the place just conjures up images of chavdom and BNP support. It's like
I'm imagining Essex to be basically a giant version of Romford and
nothing else.
-
The unknown Attenborough Brother.
John
Michael Attenborough (1 January 1928 – 9 November 2012) was an English
executive in the motor industry and then a financial advisor.
He
was the youngest brother of Richard, Lord Attenborough, an English
director and actor, and Sir David Attenborough, an English naturalist.
After National Service, he studied modern languages at the University of
Cambridge.
He worked in the motor trade and became a managing
director of Mann Egerton, heading their Rolls-Royce division in Berkeley
Street. He then became the head of the British operations of Italian
car manufacturer, Alfa Romeo. He finally ran a distribution business for
motor cars in Dorset before retiring from the motor trade and becoming a
financial advisor.
He had progressive supranuclear palsy and died at home in November 2012.
-
As Jenna Coleman's cack acting promises to sabotage another series,
Peter Capaldi tells himself that lifelong dream jobs are always an
anti-climax anyway.
-
A weak, bony man holding coins in his mouth in an otherwise empty
roadside cafe at night. From the slurping sounds and the way his
lips keep folding over themselves you can tell he lacks teeth.
There
is no heating and the cafe smells weird. And there is a blandly
lit dead bus just outside the cafe with its door open. And it is
raining a bit.
-
Queen perform with just some random gay bloke, who strips all
meaning out of the songs as he strops petulantly around the stage.
(http://images.bwwstatic.com/columnpic6/B74D4325-EDDB-D886-8346C392368545AA.jpg)
-
My post was based on a FB acquaintance (not called Gary) who's into carp fishing and racism. All very bleak.
I
also used to know a carp fishing fella (called Gary actually) and he
was into the racism too. I once found his facebook page and the only
stuff he had made viewable to the public were photos of his carp fishing
trips and status updates regarding his views on pakis. The photos all
indicated he was alone on these trips: lopsided snaps of him holding
carp, his face being that of a man waiting 10 seconds for the timer to
go off, kneeling low enough to get in the frame as the camera is resting
on the nearest rock.
-
A drag queen realises that gayness was just a phase after all, but it's too late to change his image now.
A
44 year old Asian American is unceremoniously let go from his job on a
formerly popular science entertainment show and ends up doing adverts
for McDonald's in between playing Mr Sulu in Star Trek fan films.
A Neo-Nazi tries and fails to spray paint a swastika so many times that it starts to resembles the Star of David.
A 29 year old woman looks about 35.
A Nigerian man votes for the BNP by mistake. He cannot read.
-
I'm volunteering at a charity shop, and we're getting a lot of
donations - probably unwanted Christmas gifts. I found this tucked
inside a donated DVD of Airplane!:
(http://i167.photobucket.com/albums/u146/Cheese_maniac/imagejpg1_zps94b0dd20.jpg)
-
It's the smiley face with the munted eye that gives it true poignancy.
-
A fat racist from Cowdenbeath burps loudly near a cemetery, on his
way to a sexual encounter with a bi-polar grandmother whom he met
through Adultwork.
An elderly hamster chokes to death on a rogue tic-tac during the night, it's sleeping owner completely oblivious.
A
terminally-single 44-year old woman - who would have loved kids of her
own - sits cramming her face with Flumps and Fangtastics in front of
endless repeats of 'How Clean is Your House?,' and realises that she
really shouldn't have been that fussy in her younger years.
A
hernia-suffering Grandad hurls a full packet of humbugs at his pet
beagle, after said dog chewed the wheels off his Airfix Fokke.
-
A "drinking game" takes place.
-
A drinking game takes place at a fancy dress party to a Black Eyed Peas soundtrack.
-
A
man paid to walk back and forth with a sign advertising a pub on the
A303 is hit on the head by a Sunny D bottle filled with truckers urine.
This reminds me of an actual desolate incident that befell me a couple of years ago.
I
was leaving a late night showing of the appalling, joyless remake of A
Nightmare on Elm Street when a Vauxhall Corsa full of guffawing, teenage
pricks pelted a McDonald's cup of steaming piss at my head. It hit me
directly on the chin, causing the cup to spin downwards and jettison
it's entire contents all over my coat and jumper. I couldn't catch the
bus as the tangy stench of urine was so pungent that it would have drawn
attention and caused further humiliation. So I walked the nine miles
home.
-
I can see why they were guffawing in anticipation though. A McDonald's cup!! You must have been fuming at the classlessness and they knew it!
-
I know, I can hardly blame them. The collective rapture they must
have been experiencing as they zeroed in on their prey must have be
intoxicating.
-
A Google search informs a man that the A Nightmare on Elm Street
remake he thought he saw "a couple of years ago" was released nearly 5
years ago, reminding him of his ever accelerating journey toward the
grave.
-
The Groutlock family comes to, in a field. The estranged father
pulls stained paper bags from their heads, yells "bon ami, mon petit
famile et pain au j'taime... WELCOME TO PAREEEES!", in a cracked,
screech, before pointing out the Eiffel Tower (an electricity pylon),
the hunchback of Notre Dame (his dementia-suffering, kyphotic mother
with a dirty mophead Prittstuck to her head and filthy floursack wound
around her) before juggling a set of garlic bulbs and onions badly,
whilst singing an improvised Groutlock family anthem in a jingoistic
French accent. Even through the haze of stapler-to-the-head-begat
concussion, mum knows a single spilt item of French fare will likely end
in disproportionate blame and Gallic-themed retribution.
-
Miss Bronson, a morbidly obese female from way back (and known by
the local kids as "the human waterbed"), sighs defeatedly as she
discovers within her folds of unrelenting flesh a rotting, half-eaten
chicken leg that she must have dropped on herself weeks ago.
-
A screaming toddler is rushed to hospital after a Steiner school kid
goes completely mental with a pump action water pistol he found lying
on the ground at a summer fete.
-
Outside the Theatre Royal on a drizzly Friday afternoon noted Murray
Melvin fan Richard walks right past Murray Melvin without noticing him.
-
A
screaming toddler is rushed to hospital after a Steiner school kid goes
completely mental with a pump action water pistol he found lying on the
ground at a summer fete.
At
the same summer fete, a three year old boy accidentally lets go of his
helium balloon which immediately shoots up into the sky and gets smaller
and a smaller, so desperate to escape his ownership. His mother
doesn't notice and never works out why he is crying. The day moves on
and he continues to feel wretched inside but cannot vocalise why.
Later, as the memory itself fades, that feeling of wretchedness lasts
within him as potential. Sometimes he recalls the specific
experience with the balloon and pangs of loss inexplicably flood over
him, but he never mentions it to anyone, because as a grown adult he
knows a helium balloon doesn't matter. If he really wants one, he
can buy one. But he doesn't fucking want one.
It wasn't the
balloon that mattered. He has worked it out. It was that he
was three years old, and something hated him so much that it wanted to
flee from him as far as physically possible whilst sadistically
remaining visible to him the entire time, shrinking smaller and smaller
until it seemed gone. It seemed gone, but he knew it was still
there, just too small to see.
Where it remains to this day.
-
I just called Obama a monkey in front of some french scientists
-
Trying to retrieve the situation - I say "always messing about in other peoples affairs"
-
A happy hardcore version of Eric Clapton's Tears In Heaven goes to number one in eleven European countries.
-
A sodden man sans hoodie strives to push his wheelchair-bound
brother up onto the kerb as the showers batter down, his sibling
focussing his efforts on keeping an enormous empty birdcage steady on
his knees, leaving his bald mole-speckled head open to the wild rain.
(The
relationships are imagined, but I witnessed this only half an hour ago.
Perhaps not exactly desolation and the lyricism makes it rather quaint
actually but FUCK YOU I just saw it and it was bleak)
-
An aged mere sits forlornly in a side street pizza takeaway in Narbonne waiting for her first customer of the new year.
After several days a portly Englishman tentatively enters and orders a Hawaiian in broken French.
The
old woman dials up Dominoes in Bezier and tells the man that the pizza
will take about 45 minutes to an hour as she plugs the large microwave
into the wall socket in the box room at the back
-
A man resembling a young Patrick Marber in a cheap Officer's Club
jacket, trips over a loose canteen floor tile on front of a woman he
really likes. He eats his economy sausages and dry chips alone.
A
recently-widowed scrapyard worker loses his wedding ring in the mangled
engine bay of a car that was involved in a fatal head on collision.
A
27 year old loner spends his weekends watching Tintin cartoons, but on
Monday tells his work colleagues that he had a 'mad time' with his
girlfriend and two young kids.
-
A
27 year old loner spends his weekends watching Tintin cartoons, but on
Monday tells his work colleagues that he had a 'mad time' with his
girlfriend and two young kids.
That sounds wonderful. I'm sure you had a much better time doing that.
-
A wrongly identified man in a coma is accused of being racist by Rav Wilding on crimewatch.
A
balding man with learning difficulties walks into Tony&Guy. When
asked what he wanted he points to a magazine photo on the table of Jamie
Cullum and grunts in excitement......It's his 48th birthday.
Two school kids from Loughborough play truant and spray paints a swastika on a goose's back by the canalside.
-
From rising women's darts star Fallon Sherrock's wiki
All of
Fallon's family play darts, including her twin sister Felicia. Who also
stared in the groundbreaking movie first ever Dart based porno.
-
From rising women's darts star Fallon Sherrock's wiki
All
of Fallon's family play darts, including her twin sister Felicia. Who
also stared in the groundbreaking movie first ever Dart based porno.
Goodness gracious:
Is this the woman:
https://www.google.co.uk/search?q=felicia+fallon+porno&biw=1440&bih=799&source=lnms&tbm=isch&sa=X&ei=78iuVK34DerR7Aby14CgDg&ved=0CAYQ_AUoAQ
If you don't want to see a naked cunt being fingered or rogering a giant dildo then yeah probably don't click on the above link.
-
A Scotsman with rhotacism.
-
A man vomits into a rain gauge.
-
An infinite number of monkeys banging away at an infinite number of
typewriters in an infinite amount of time come up with a theorem that
may cure cancer. The paper is put in the bin because it is not KIng
Lear.
-
Sorry, you have reached a 24h limit of karma changes. You can change only 1 times in 24 h.
Next karma change will be available on 1
-
Why did I Google?
(http://www.doereport.com/imagescooked/133W.jpg)
-
Maybe it'll happen to [Insert name here]. She/He [Delete as applicable] is full of shit, after all.
-
A man from Woking watches comic relief. He chuckles and calls a
starving African child a "little pot bellied git" this is the only time
he laughs during the programme.
-
Partially-deaf office worker Felix Windass, 37, finally plucks up
the courage, and subtly leaves a crumbly 'Be Mine' Love Heart on the
desk of a much younger female colleague.
-
An embarrassed teenager stuffs a rucksack full of cumstained socks and pants into a clothes bank.
-
A skeletal, sleep deprived and dead eyed 24 year old man slowly
chews a tomato ketchup sandwich and just about achieves a spongey
quarter-erection as he listlessly tugs over badly animated Scooby Doo
porn on his phone. He pauses only to increase the volume so he can't
hear his heavily pregnant girlfriend going into painful and agonising
labour in the neighbouring room.
-
Two Muslim terrorists in France raided a printing factory and halted the production of the qur'an.
A Muslim terrorist in France thought that raiding a supermarket would be kosher.
-
A
skeletal, sleep deprived and dead eyed 24 year old man slowly chews a
tomato ketchup sandwich and just about achieves a spongey
quarter-erection as he listlessly tugs over badly animated Scooby Doo
porn on his phone. He pauses only to increase the volume so he can't
hear his heavily pregnant girlfriend going into painful and agonising
labour in the neighbouring room.
Twice now I've clicked on this page and read that as 'a skeletal sheep'. Twice.
Twice.
-
A CHINATOWN, THE FROZEN FUTURE: A leopard seal-savaged penguin lies
facedown in a wok of icy lumps, flapping its one remaining flapper
against frozen shallots and peas and nuggets of egg,
like a dysthymic pinball thing. As asteroids unfurl the wIzardLORD, a
cackling robotramp urinates synthesised timepiss onto the fallen fowl's
tattered, putrid back.
-
... and I've just come.
-
A partially bionic goth woman and a skeletal sheep go on an amazing
crime solving adventure together. The sheep collapses before it reaches
the Budgens at the end of the street. The adventure ends.
-
George Lamb is born.
-
A scrawny, dirty-faced boy eats some roadkill, his first meal of the
week. Midway through the meal, the boy realises that the dead animal is
his beloved pet cat. It starts raining. Welcome to Blaenau Ffestiniog.
Paul Ross waits all night at a now-defunct glory hole. Nobody comes.
-
Blaenau Ffestiniog.
Some good mountain biking up there
-
An
infinite number of monkeys banging away at an infinite number of
typewriters in an infinite amount of time come up with a theorem that
may cure cancer. The paper is put in the bin because it is not KIng
Lear.
Don't worry, they'll come up with it infinite more times
-
A convicted child molester grumbles about unused frequent flyer miles to his reflection.
-
A hare lipped 4 year old torments a budgie with a knitting needle while her parents watch 3-2-1.
From
a greasy window, an unemployable rapist watches two magpies
torment and kill a starling. He wanks immediately thereafter.
After
years of torment and endless abuse a 68 year old Asian woman stabs her
husband to death. Consumed with guilt and never thinking that her side
of the story would be believed, she takes lots of tablets.
An episode of Boon is the soundtrack to her demise.
-
Saturday night in Luton: a good joke fails to land.
-
Welcome to Blaenau Ffestiniog
That would've done fine.
-
... says the man who's never been there.
-
I went on the railway and down the slate mine in 1995 so fuck you.
-
... says the man who has been there, then, but who has no soul.
-
I didn't find it any more than OK (I was 9) but it would be hard to
argue that it wasn't breathtakingly wet and desolate. Terraces, exposed
rock and rain. I'm sorry if that offends you.
-
Blaenau Ffestiniog finds itself at the centre of a heated slanging
match between two internet loons in early 2015. It is the last time it
will be mentioned on the world wide web.
-
I think it probably boils[1] down to the fact that I like geology, and have lived in Wales for so long that I see beauty in its sogginess.
-
A 42 year old bachelor spends his week transferring his This Morning
collection from VHS to DVD, occasionally breaking off to tend to his
dying mother. 7 days of Richard, Judy, Holly, Phil, bloody stools,
gentle weeping and 7 nights of insomnia and desperate escapist wanks
ending in weak, rubbery orgasms.
A clown has a bad Tuesday.
-
In my mind the clown and the 42 year old bachelor are one and the same.
-
Tuesday was when he had to get the bus into town to buy a VHS head cleaner.
-
a VHS head cleaner.
For clearing up the rubbery orgasms?
-
A 36-year-old virgin from Telford seeks counselling for his phobia of the Scotch VHS head cleaner skeleton.
-
A man receives a talking bass plaque from his senile father.
-
He puts it in the shed with all the rest.
-
A dog with two front legs and wheels on the rear gets stuck in an
exposed manhole, after the metal cover was stolen the previous night by
gypsies.
An amateur astronomer spends his nights on a windy hill
watching a farmer's hairy wife getting changed underneath a dusty
lightbulb, in a room with peeling 70s wallpaper and dead spiders
everywhere.
-
A severly deranged man in Woking takes his empty shopping bag for a walk and waves at the dog shit bins in the park.
Simon Weston has the the gas on too high when making a fried egg. He gets spat on by the frying pan.
A
millionaire playboy with a villa in Monte Carlo, Ford Mustang and a
buxom blond on his arm still wakes up with tears on his pillow in memory
of being aggressively fingered at the YMCA when he was 19.
-
An obnoxious lottery winner hires Heston Blumenthal to make him a conventional dinner. He posts about it on twitter.
-
Metrosexual Ben enthusiastically extends his arms for an embrace
with his new girlfriend's rugby shirt wearing father. He is met with the
stiff and frosty offer of a hand.
-
A piece of graph paper finds its way down the back of a cupboard drawer and is never used, or found.
-
A mountain biker from Birmingham shits his shorts and saddle after
riding over a pothole on a full stomach. He tries to find a muddy puddle
to splash through to cover the evidence and fails on the driest day of
winter.
-
The singer from Viva Brother buys some value marrowfat peas and a Fray Bentos pie.
-
(http://share.gifyoutube.com/Kzq43l.gif)
-
A steroidal bicep recounts the extremist tattoos, fruity sweat and
countless prolapses it's endured since '93 to a visibly distraught,
kneeless hurdler.
-
Solomon Grundy hears the Beatles song, 'eight days a week' for the first time and becomes resigned to his fate.
An octopuss witch gives a mermaid the legs of President Roosevelt
A couple come third in a Pontins fancy dress competition without even entering.
Superman takes a tarts card out of a phonebox
-
A tin of Apple Fanta keels over and fizzes replica urine along an embittered kerb, in Keighley
-
Jim Davidson refuses to eat bacon because the rashers look like Argentina.
-
A 13 year old lad with curly-hair and chronic shyness, stares at a
slightly older girl in a 'Blur' crop top and Doc Martens at Poole Ferry
Port, on an overcast August day in 1994. He knows she's the one. She'll
never know he existed, and not only will he never speak to her or know
her name, he'll never see her - ever again.
(Autobiographical ^)
A
hamster dies in it's little plastic ball behind the sofa, after it's
6-year old owner suffers a fit and is rushed to hospital.
-
Last night I was having a wank and I kept having the thought of
getting my girlfriend pregnant and having to take her to the abortion
clinic because we're too poor and unreliable to raise a child in my head
and how upset we both were but I still somehow came. Lying there
covered in my own jizz after having climaxed over that thought felt
pretty desolate.
-
we're too poor and unreliable to raise a child in my head
Damn right. There'd be bugger all room for it to stretch.
-
You know full well I meant a Croydon bedsit I'd have to move in to
after falling out with my family and getting kicked out of my flat by my
mum over keeping it and not my literal head.
-
A man struggles to remove an itchy label from a cheap pair of pants,
he is pulling so hard that when it does finally rip off his hand flies
up and smacks him in the eye.
-
A conceptual artist wears a hula skirt made of foraged used condoms
on a magazine style programme on a remote satellite station.
-
Matthew Pinsent pulls into a layby to follow through.
-
Some spent semen in a web of pubic hair gradually becomes caked overnight.
-
Previously unheralded quantities of sludgey turd masses in the undercarriage beneath Matthew Pinsent's soiled arse.
-
A bus driver transporting deaf teenagers to a day centre, crashes
into the central reservation after trying to take a picture of Matthew
Pinsent crouching behind his car with his pants round his ankles. A fire
breaks out.
-
A teenage girl makes a necklace by stringing together a week's worth
of her used tampons. Wearing it to the school disco, she doesn't
understand why Darren won't kiss her.
-
A pound and a half of turd sticks to the destroyed jeans and legs of Matthew Pinsent.
-
Elvis 2000 and Cliff As-If appearing at Chesterton Indoor Bowls Club
-
ELP stage a reunion tour.
-
Darren finishes his night shift at the warehouse, on his way home
through the park at dawn he boots a squirrel half way across the
football pitch and smirks to himself.
An obese 6 year old girl lobs a mcflurry in her grandads face because it's not the smarties one.
A
piece of chewing gum that's been underneath a bench for for 29 years
falls off a day before it's 30th anniversary, a magpie swallows it then
regurgitates it for it's young chick who subsequently chokes and dies.
A bloke gags at the smell of his own fart.
-
A fat man hides in the men's toilets during a fancy dress party,
failing to meet anyone during the evening he stares depressingly at
himself in the mirror, he is dressed as a polar bear. He draws a picture
of himself on the wall in disgust, writing 'VULGAR' underneath.[1]
-
A message board user confuses threads when posting. No-one notices. She hopes.
-
A depressed nun makes a terrible cake.
-
A depressed bun makes a terrible cake.
FTFY
-
Modern Science has pinpointed the ressurection gene.
A mostly dessicated Queen Mother rots happily in the background of the Christmas speech.
-
Shake 'n' Vac Executives drag the brand kicking and screaming into
the modern day with an unironic advert featuring the dulcet tones of
Daniel Bedingfield (a cut-price Barlow, apparently).
-
A used condom is found on a half eaten bag of chips in Truro.
-
The lid of a pen is lost, never to sheath its master again.
It throws itself off Flamborough Head, and is retrieved by a crab, to no avail.
-
A serial killer targets the fans of extreme piercings. He uses the
ear lobes if his victims to make belts and belt loops for his kilt made
of piss flaps.
-
A blob fish becomes self aware
-
A barrel of blob fish land on a man in a vegetable state killing him instantly.
-
A barrel of blob fish land on a man in a vegetable state killing him instantly.
-
2am. Carrying a bulging canvas bag, Jimmy stops in at the coma ward.
-
A man with a micropenis dances in a camp manner at Daddy Cool's Disco Inferno in Runcorn.
-
A media studies graduate tucks into a Rustler's microwave burger and a can of supermarket coca cola as a birthday treat.
-
Herbert asks his wife if she feels amorous. Taking silence for
consent, he rolls on to her and allows his semi-tumescent penis to be
enfolded by rolls of her flabby skin. He hasn't been able to find
her vagina since the day she died last month.
-
Albert smokes a snout through the whole in his throat that's a
result of the surgery. Not even a party trick, just loves fags.
Terrence
drops a piece of buttered toast, lands butter side down. Picks it up.
Cat hair, snail shit and egg shell come up with it. Oh well. Crunch.
A
tall slightly gangly lady called Rebecca decides not to tell Gav her
supervisor at River Island that she has feelings for him. They both go
home and wank furiously to the thought of each other, then cry. 10
years.
Outside a rundown cornershop in Feltham that specialises
in cheap Polish lager and counterfeit cigs a wind powered spinny sign
makes a mournful creaking sound and gradually comes to a permanent stop.
-
Oof.,,, the return of classic desolation 101
-
A student listens the neighbour she's never spoken to enter their
room and sneeze twice. She says "bless you" aloud to nobody. Twice.
-
On 'Yahoo! Answers' in 2006, a desperate single mum asks 'How can I feel less suicidal?' In 2015, someone finally replies.
Unattached
lecturer Colin Ottershaw (56) tells a Lada / Arfur Daley joke to a
group of first year Media Students, and waits for a penny that never
drops.
A dying fat man makes a racist comment to a pretty black nurse in a Telford hospital.
-
A man in Hastings says "flicking the bean" in earnest.
-
A 97 year old woman still sets the table for the husband she lost in Normandy.
-
A dementia sufferer gets confused and eventually lost while visiting
Normandy. He is lured into a transit van by a gang of gypsies who
force him into a slavery until he dies of a stroke in a meat rendering
factory. His remains are never found.
-
Eight year old Colz returns to school for the first day after the
christmas holidays, having saved up all his pocket money to buy eight
year old Bryony, the one object of his true love and affection, a
christmas present (which is promptly donated to a BHF shop). On the
playground, Bryony loudly tells him that he smells of dog wee, and all
his friends hear and laugh at him. Attempting to shake off the
psychological wounds of his first, viscerally negative experience of
love and courtship, he pretends to be unshaken by it.
Fifteen
years later, Colz is a sporadic poster on sluthate.com, where he is
branded a "betafag manlet", and "two Plancks short of a Chad-grade
rasmus".
-
The latest round of Israel-Palestine negotiations are declared a
disaster after an Israeli official begins laughing uncontrollably when
he realises that the Gaza strip looks a bit like a side profile of a
testicle and an erect penis with phimosis.
-
Unrecognised other than for 'being brown,' Ahmed Merabet's grieving
widow is the victim of a tragically ironic backlash attack.
The only physical difference between Dick and his identical twin, Mike, is that Mike has a larger penis than him.
-
A human turns up for another day at work and doesn't want to exist.
Outside the sun is fierce through fragile trees, and the fields stretch
off in beckoning possibility. But they must stay inside, instead of
going out and following the sunlight, to drudge the bills away for the
best part of their life, the same four yellow painted walls blocking out
the sun in cheap mimicry and defiance. The end for them feels as
distant as the star itself, the time of a thought to drift through all
that space, or until that final collapse.
-
A GP turns the searing focus of a desk-mounted light on a gentleman's weeping scrotal sores.
-
An earthworm, pulled from its tenuous hold on life in the freezing
soil and exposed to the January air, is passed from child to child
before being placed in a pencil-sharpenings container and entrusted to
one of the classmates, who takes it home to look after it for the
night. It is removed from its container and placed gently in a
plastic takeaway container with some leaves and a dribble of
water. The child's mother, looking at the worm and noticing its
semi-crushed state, doesn't think the creature will make it through the
night. Nevertheless she finds herself periodically checking on it,
hoping that she is wrong. When she leans over it, she notices
that the warmth of her breath seems to stimulate a slight positive
reaction from the worm. Only the worm itself knows that this
reaction is really a silent, screaming plea for death.
Based on a true story. Today. Going to check on it again.
-
A dying earthworm in a plastic takeaway container reckons it could well be in.
-
Only if the mother in the story is into necrophilia. I think it's carked it.
-
A can of kestrel super strength rusts in a thin grey copse that was
once part of a large ancient woodland. A mangled pigeon protrudes from
the ripped metal.
-
When I see those desolate tufts of barren trees, I want to tear developers and human society in general to shreds
-
A woman quietly sobs to herself as she leaves HMV after finding out
that there was never a DVD release for Don't Scare The Hare.
-
A slug encounters it's inevitable doom as it slides into a half descarded pack of ready salted crisps in Deptford.
-
A bulldyke lesbian wishes she could grow her hair, put on make
up, wear high heels and do all the things that hetrosexual women
take for granted. Her desire to know the love of a man and her
inability to achieve this manifests itself as violent episodes and
extreme insertions.
A gormless students eats Bernard Mathews
Turkey Sausages, Crispy Pancakes or Koka Noodles every single
day, without fail, of his 4 year Economics degree.
A reality tv star removes a perfectly good set of teeth in order to install an outrageous set of veneers.
-
A bus station pigeon is ostracised because of going to the chiropodist .
A tesco metro security guard develops the thousand yard stare.
A rotund woman has the plaque on her teeth permed.
-
A bus driver and a pigeon fancier kick each other in the glans on a
Tuesday over who was first in the queue at the Dixy Chicken in Burnley.
A fox does a runny shit outside the 'Scope' charity shop in Solihull at 3:22am.
Gary Numan does zumba class lessons.
-
A forty-seven-year-old man uses his best calligraphy to inscribe the
lyrics of all his favourite Leonard Cohen songs on his bedroom wall.
-
A young urban professional relaxes in his overpriced apartment in
the Manchester Hacienda new-build development only dimly aware of the
pivotal, global role the club that was its inspiration and namesake
played in the history of music and culture.
He isn't immediately consumed by fire.
-
A deceased worm's funeral is described as 'kind of boring' by one of its eight-year-old accidental killers.
-
A ghoulish Nuneaton man pretends he is trained in First Aid, just so
he can get a close-up look at the broken body of a crashed
motorcyclist.
A greasy gamer in an Iron Maiden t-shirt and
Matalan jeans, pauses World of Warcraft so he can rub germoline in that
area between the arse and the bollocks.
A man trapped in a
sexless marriage spends hours on Google images trawling through naked
pictures of women in their 40s, until he finds one that roughly
resembles his wife. He struggles to maintain a full erection, but does
eventually reach something approaching an orgasm.
-
A worm has a funeral. None of its relatives or friends attend.
-
A distraught woman from Staffordshire is in bed with her husband and
takes off her wedding ring while he's asleep. She manages to carefully
slide it over his cock and starts nibbling his ear and whispering sweet
nothings to him.
He get's hard and is rushed to A+E with internal bleeding in the morning.
His hospital bed is located in the car park.
She get's the best night's sleep in 7 years.
===================================
Two old women in a park in Boston chatting and one of them calls the other "fam".
===================================
In 1994, a 20 something Rumbelows store owner in Wolverhampton does overtime to buy that Porsche 911GT.
He's 35 and now drives a Mondeo and works for Cosco
-
An earthworm is buried in an unmarked grave, and eaten by his unwitting family.
A tramp hurls a winnit at the Rainbow Bus.
A pervert wearing only a string vest and pink wellies rubs himself against a post box during a thunderstorm.
-
An internet fatty declines every offer of real life human interaction in favour of wotsits, ginger beer and wanking.
A rapist realises the error of his ways after he is sausaged in the showers by 6 prison poofs.
A budgie experiences the elation of freedom for approximately 28 seconds before being savaged by an alert Maine Coon.
-
A man kicks a dog. For no reason other than because he can.
-
A 43yr old hobbit fan with high cholesterol rubs his willy against his anime duvet cover until he pre-cums.
An
abandoned Xbox controller lays on the floor covered in wotsit crumbs
waiting for his benefits lay about owner, Dean to wake up sometime this
afternoon to play FIFA 2012 as Blackpool FC.
An ET fanatic from Cannock with Jaw-Jut gets a reminder letter from the local council to have his hair cut.
-
A lot of this stuff needs trimming.
A 43yr old hobbit fan with high cholesterol rubs his willy against his anime duvet cover until he pre-cums.
An abandoned Xbox controller lays on the floor covered in wotsit crumbs waiting for his benefits lay about owner, Dean to wake up sometime this afternoon to plays FIFA 2012 as Blackpool FC.
An ET fanatic from Cannock with Jaw-Jut gets a reminder letter from the local council to have his hair cut.
-
A lot of this stuff needs trimming.
Aww c'mon man. Desolation is the only time I get to laugh at my own jokes.
-
At
the same summer fete, a three year old boy accidentally lets go of his
helium balloon which immediately shoots up into the sky and gets smaller
and a smaller, so desperate to escape his ownership. His mother
doesn't notice and never works out why he is crying. The day moves on
and he continues to feel wretched inside but cannot vocalise why.
Later, as the memory itself fades, that feeling of wretchedness lasts
within him as potential. Sometimes he recalls the specific
experience with the balloon and pangs of loss inexplicably flood over
him, but he never mentions it to anyone, because as a grown adult he
knows a helium balloon doesn't matter. If he really wants one, he
can buy one. But he doesn't fucking want one.
It wasn't the
balloon that mattered. He has worked it out. It was that he
was three years old, and something hated him so much that it wanted to
flee from him as far as physically possible whilst sadistically
remaining visible to him the entire time, shrinking smaller and smaller
until it seemed gone. It seemed gone, but he knew it was still
there, just too small to see.
Alternate ending: Like dad.
-
A 67 year old snooker fan spends 8 hours writing fan mail to Judd Trump, whilst his pet chaffinch starves.
A lost beagle pisses onto a bin in Salford, then rolls around on a weasle's corpse in front of a boarded-up house.
A Welshman runs to catch a ferry, but misses it.
-
THE GREAT WINDS OF BRITAIN. JANUARY 2015. A YORKSHIRE VILLAGE.
Gladys chases gust-strewn recycling along her unlit, potholed lane, her
swollen ankles always a step behind the spent, bouncing tins of long
expired pork aggregate.
The morning-after breeze ripples a
village pond's algaed surface, distracting Joy from her daybreak
catharsis of feeding tidbits to rapacious, arrogant moorhens and
allowing her a brief glimpse of her drowned sister's bloated, eel-gnawed
corpse.
Poorly rinsed tins of budget spam are collected by a
trainee paramedic and dispassionately flung into a cosmetic surgeon's
landfill wheelie bin.
Joy expires.
-
A club footed pigeon pecks at moist vomit.
A severe acne sufferer enjoys an episode of Friends.
An Oasis fan does a Liam Gallagher 'walk' as he enters the dole office to sign on.
-
A man walks into a bar. He says, 'does anybody here own a six
foot penguin?' Everybody says, 'no'. He says, 'ah, shit,
that means I've just run over a nun.' He is telling the
truth. He's been parked near the convent for a week, waiting for
the right candidate.
-
A 31 year old Cannock woman with poor hygiene buys a 'How to give up smoking' book for her 4 year old grand-daughter.
A hedgehog eats some leftover crack in a hedge then falls off a viaduct.
A
man with hideous facial boils gets an unwanted erection in the
'reduced' section of his local Iceland. His cheap dreylon trousers do
nothing to conceal it.
-
An obese woman eats 4 raw Halls skinless sausages as the other 6 cook.
A pensioner wanks furiously over a woman showing a centimetre of cleavage in a Betterware catalogue.
A
man captures a series of cats, tapes their legs together and
inserts an empty cigar tube up their arseholes. (true story,
the offender was re-housed in my town and was subsequently battered)
-
A horny teenager uses a crisp packet as a condom. In the heat of the
moment his brain barely registers the slow burn of the Frazzle powder
down his japseye, but it's a sensation that will, in time, become a
lifelong friend.
-
A deaf woman watches saturday kitchen with subtitles on. Italian
cuisine is incorrectly transcribed as taliban cuisine. She never eats
pasta again.
-
A fruit machine commits suicide.
-
Shangri la is put on a three day week
A henpecked husband snaps and throws his own faeces at the in-laws.
A child with a cleft palate drowns in raw sewage. A woman in a wolf fleece cries at the news.
A mild mannered man from the South west of England is considered, by his peers, as a connoisseur of necrophila.
A condemned mans last thoughts are of Giles Brandreth.
A cure for jovial Scoucers is supressed by big corporations
-
Jovial Scousers.
-
A old widowed man unknowingly traipes dog shit around his entire house.
-
A fruit machine commits suicide.
One for the black mirror thread, shorely?
-
20 years after the great nuclear war, the last surviving
evidence of mankind's long reign over the earth, a cd copy of Uriah
Heap's Greatest Hits, succumbs to disc rot in what was once known as
Barnsley.
-
A socially awkward man called Peter Fyle starts to live up to his name.
-
A privileged student goes to a fancy dress party as a 2004 Morecambe Bay cockling disaster victim.
-
Martin downs six cans of cheap polish lager at 6:30am before climbing up the ladder into the crane operators booth.
-
Breeze Blocks made from the cinders of Birkenau build a Wendy house for a spoilt child.
-
A man has a cerebral hemorrhage during the first guest segment on
Mel and Sue's ITV chat show. He dies in the cooking segment, as Mel
makes a joke about stuffing a bird. Sue...
After a motorcycle
accident, a man becomes able to feel time actually passing - a dreadful
sensation that doesn't stop until he takes his own life.
A sweaty nutter with astonishing BO sits next to you on the train and gleefully announces that you are his chosen one.
-
A professional Ricky Gervais impersonator downs an entire packet of
Polo mints, then rubs a Hugo Boss sample from a 1997 copy of GQ onto his
crotch, prior to a midweek Tinder date with a 31 year old grandmother
('I'm bubbly and keep ferrets lol').
-
An assistant manager of a 99p shop pisses up its side alley.
A lonely fishmonger has a conversation with a sprat.
A wheelbarrow is filled with slop by a man whose name is spelled Garry.
-
After an apopleptic-with-rugby West Yorkshire man hurls it against a
necrotic summerhouse, a pretty, undernourished sugar glider braces
herself for trouble when it staggers into a gang of rowdy squirrels.
-
A professional Ricky Gervais impersonator...... In 2015
-
A lonely man in a park attempts to coax a squirrel with a handful of
seed. The squirrel darts up a tree. A watching child that the lonely
man was unaware of says "I don't think it likes you, mate."
-
Missing diabetic woman found face-down in the canal very close to where she was last sighted over two weeks before.
-
A snivelling witch eating a black egg in the dark.
-
A snivelling witch eating a black egg in the dark.
Their early stuff was actually really good.
-
A snivelling witch eating a black egg in the dark.
It's not a black egg, it's a new American Creme Egg, and it's not a witch, it's Cerys.
-
An elderly chap with bowel cancer receives a witless fart-themed
birthday card in the post - 3 days late - from his family who live 2
miles away.
"Man found dead with frozen carp up anus 'had history of mental problems,' report reveals."
Gary Numan sings along to Maroon 5 in a borrowed Citroen.
-
Robert Smith, stubbornly-fashioned Cure front man, wanders around a
dimly-lit multi-storey car park, trying to remember where he parked his
car. He frightens a child in a stair well.
-
A cockerel-eyed batchelor eats a packet of stale quavers on an
Islington park bench, before kicking a hungry pigeon into a ditch.
A
young Irish lady called Siobhan moves to England, and spends the rest
of her natural life correcting literally everyone on the proper
pronunciation of her name. Eventually, she starts to suffer panic
attacks in public.
An indifferent cat steps over it's owner's frozen corpse to get to it's food bowl.
-
A 38yr old Terrahawks fan with aspergers cries for his mom when a picture of a wet vuvla pops up in his Firefox browser.
A pervert with tobacco stained fingers logs on to a chatroom and grooms a Simon Calder look-a-like posing as a 14yr old.
A Labour back bencher pre-cums while sitting on his washing machine on full spin and eating a topic.
-
It's not a black egg, it's a new American Creme Egg, and it's not a witch, it's Cerys.
Not a witch? Have you seen my chin?
-
An emaciated, trembling lurcher painstakingly hoists itself up onto a
rusted, largely shredded trampoline in its fallen master's back yard,
before crawling like a hydraulic press-crushed Terminator to gorge on a
necrotic squirrel that is macerating in a bed of fallen winter leaves.
Alan
enthusiastically saws his granddaughter diagonally, right shoulder to
left heel. His son watches on from the sidelines, nodding.
-
In 1916, a freckled-faced simpleton expires with consumption whilst sodomising a sow in a Hereford barn.
-
A bored man in Tottenham idly logs onto Netflix and fails to notice
'Schindlers List' in the Fiction category. The IT error goes unnoticed
and he continues browsing.
A poacher from Hereford watches WinterWatch while making notes.
Michaela Strachan struggles to contain herself when Chris Packham gets excited about a "Wobin".
-
A man from leeds catches a UTI after wearing a pair of skiddy pants
back to front. He visits his GP and his frankly honest about what he
thinks caused it.
-
A moose can't even be arsed.
-
A man uploads a video called "Wigan Fatty Fuck" to the internet.
-
A mother tells her child to finish his chips or get a smack.
-
A tourettes sufferer in a quarry cries on hearing his own echo.
A lost ant dies of hypothermia under a solar panel.
A man lose's an eye after a UN sponsored belching contest turns violent.
A dog end in the foetal position becomes sentient it immediately commits suicide.
A self conscious man with no eyebrows superglues a woodland found wank sock to his forehead in a futile attempt to get a wife.
An obese man warms up a cheese and onion pasty between two of his chins.
-
Whilst losing his battle to brush the heady mixture of
snowballed, tobacco-infused semen out of his mouth, Peter realises
that he has just paid around £8.50 to develop a life-long personality
disorder. Her cackles shall be his wind voices now.
-
The beauty life can offer only gets stronger through so much desolation.
Be good to one another.
Be in love. If you like each other, kiss, hold, taste each other. Never let that person go.
-
A 20 year old man discovers he has grown an inch long nose hair and begins to panic about growing old.
-
A loss adjuster scrapes a dead badger off the road for later use.
A Tory Mayor places a VHS tape labelled "camp highlights" back into the porn stash under his floorboards.
A burglar shits in a wardrobe. and is asked to leave IKEA
-
The beauty life can offer only gets stronger through so much desolation.
Be good to one another.
Be
in love. If you like each other, kiss, hold, taste each other. Never
let that person go. More so after death. Hold the corpse tight. Caress
the rotting body until it merges with your own. Absorb it!
-
A letter arrives addressed to someone who doesn't live here. Inside
are a train ticket and a note: 'Here's your ticket. Can't wait to see
you, Mum. Hope it's not for the last time.'
-
A recently fired woman spends an hour every evening trying to get Wigan Fatty Fuck removed from porn streaming websites.
-
With nothing else to do, a man in his fifties visits every Toby
Carvary outlet in the UK. He is accompanied by a blind friend, who
photographs the endeavour.
-
(http://i62.tinypic.com/24flmhu.jpg)
-
A man sits down to read his copy of the Sun. Upon turning over the
front page to see an absence of exposed mammaries, he falls into a deep
heartbreaking despair. The tits are back the next day, but it's an
entire month until the neighbours notice the smell of decayed loan
manager emanating from his flat.
-
Eric Cantona's kung-fu kick: The moment that shocked football
In a special show from 19:30-21:00
GMT on Thursday, 22 January, BBC Radio 5 live will explore in detail
arguably the most shocking episode in Premier League history.
-
The disillusioned owner of a neglected seaside gift shop with yellow
artex walls smashes his windows and shits all over the carpet in the
hope of getting a free advert in the local paper.
-
In a dank Tooting attic, a once-glorious tuba marks its fifth
consecutive decade of going unparped by raising to its tuning slide and
sighing half a century's dust over a heavily-mildewed photo album filled
with joyless, forgotten family memories.
-
Jihadi John drafts his TripAdvisor review.
-
A virginal man gives his vajankle a good seeing too. He is so tired
after the event he falls asleep on top of it, severing the two left-most
toes.
His dementia stricken mother finds them in the bin as she confusedly attempts to post a letter.
-
The game show Catchphrase, but every cartoon contains a blatant advert for a product owned by Monsanto
-
A bleary-eyed 30 year old gamer in a 'Shit Happens' t-shirt, takes a
testicle selfie at 3am in his dank, spunk-fugged bedroom.
On a
Stockport sink estate, a pallid crack dealer wallops his pet greyhound
with a rolled up Daily Star, after it gets shit on the seat of his
nearly-new Mercedes.
A depressed transexual fails to smile at 3
successive Youtube videos featuring funny hedgehogs, set to the type of
Dubstep music that even Poundland would baulk at.
-
A group of children with Down's Syndrome are taken on their first
school trip in three years. The bus breaks down in Crumlin, where a
heroin addict shits in an alley in full view of the children.
Acne-ridden
permavirgin Abdul sits in his mother's basement, alternately watching
IS training videos and violent pornography, masturbating vigorously to
both. He knows that his only chance of sex is via martyrdom and that he
will never have the balls to die for a cause he half-heartedly pretends
to believe in.
-
A man sits alone in his flat. Nary amount of any semblance of furniture. A poster. It's a poster of Eminems. His hero.
The chocolate.
'Rappitty doooo wack wa - my name are?
Ribbittty wick wick waaaa
wick wick wick wick wickety whaaa?
your name are?
*By this point you're spreading radiator softened chocolate all over your big fat fucking moistened face. You look BLACK.*
I've got a peanut in my nasal passage
I carry the final massage
My name is super cabbage
My name is something habitat
Yo
'Rappitty doooo wack wa - my name are?
Ribbittty wick wick waaaa
wick wick wick wick wickety whaaa?
your name are?
Ricketty rick rick rick
Eminems Dickhead!
-
A woman walks around the Louvre and feels nothing. She returns home to rape her husband at knifepoint.
-
Man rape? That's fine, please carry on.
A
stressed commuter snaps and punches a man blind in one eye after he
scrapes the bottom of an empty trifle pot with a spoon, one time
too many.
A greedy dog bolts down a whole box of Lindt
chocolates and pays for it with a violent asault resulting in a
punctured lung, five broken ribs and 6 days of painful stomach
cramps. It learns nothing from this incident and is throttled to death
less than a month later after it wolfs down 24 Kit Kats, wrappers
and all, and squirts orange shit all over a new hall carpet.
A Gary Glitter fan uses headphones to hide his shame.
-
A
greedy dog bolts down a whole box of Lindt chocolates and pays for it
with a violent asault resulting in a punctured lung, five broken
ribs and 6 days of painful stomach cramps. It learns nothing from this
incident and is throttled to death less than a month later after it
wolfs down 24 Kit Kats, wrappers and all, and squirts orange
shit all over a new hall carpet.
I once killed a dog by feeding it a kit kat. Saddest day of my life.
-
A man slides a vcr of Dragonheart into his tape player while concurrently shitting his pants.
-
Bob the field mouse shivers through a slow death in the exhaust pipe
of a Toyota Yarris, absent of the knowledge that his un-met soulmate
Otis is enjoying a dreamless sleep atop the air box.
-
A beautiful but naive girl joins a poxy back-alley theatre troupe in
a small grim town hoping to be a star some day. The run-down playhouse
runs glorified children's plays and pantos in perpetuity, no agents or
talent scouts deign to visit, fame does not come.
She ages
horribly within the space of 5 years and gets pregnant via a closeted
gay waiter at the end of a blackout drinking session. Living with her
now elderly Mum, she thinks back to the time when a man she admired told
her he loved her and how she turned away in hubris. She sighs as the
baby squeals, unbeknownst to her an undiagnosed bout of whooping cough
ravages its nervous system.
-
A school kid throws a french fry at a dead pigeon outside Paddy Power.
A school kid throws a dead pigeon at a french fry outside Paddy Power.
A pigeon throws a french fry at a dead school kid outside Paddy Power.
A french school kid power throws a dead pigeon at a paddy outside
Fry a pigeon outside Paddy Power.
Throw a dead school kid.
FRY....PADDY.....POWER.....
-
Thom Yorke's teenage son Björk takes the lyrics of Fitter, Happier
verbatim and enters them into a school poetry competition. Nobody is
fooled and he becomes a laughing stock. He discovers Muse and starts
writing lyrics that lean heavily on themes of alienation and
rejection....
-
A grown man learns a new word and uses it too much the next day. On
his lunch break his workmate asks patronisingly "learned a new word have
ya???" making him blush in front of everybody.
-
A stapler becomes anthropomorphic.
-
A fried slice declines.
-
A student becomes anthropomorphic.
-
The owner of a lonely heart flicks the vees at the owner of a broken heart.
-
A Basingstoke wage slave with an unemployed wife and severely
disabled son, starts taking secret days off work, spent within the
sanctuary of his retired friend's semi-detached house. Hornby train sets
are played with, Sky Sports News is never off, and racist jokes are
guffawed at over cheap rum and Doritos.
-
In 2043 a young man spends most of his teenage years plucking up the courage to confess to his parents he is not gay.
-
2045 a person of indeterminate sex finally decides to just be who
and what they are, no surgery, no hormone therapy or gender specific
clothes required. They live an entirely drama-free humdrum existence
where nothing of particular note occurs, they die of boredom in a grey
tower-block on an overcast afternoon.
-
A grubby pensioner in khaki shorts exchanges handjobs for tobacco in a Milton Keynes layby.
An over-fed toddler powerslams a Guinea pig into a hearth whilst his parents watch Jeremy Kyle.
A closet-nonce in a 'Sex God' T-shirt purchases reduced-price bacon from a frowning Pakistani woman, using only 5-pence pieces.
-
A stubbed toe leads to a judge racially abusing his own shadow.
-
A schoolkid gets a selfie stick for his birthday, he takes it outside and gets struck by lightning.
-
I've just had an unexpected sneezing fit, and I resorted to sneezing
into my hand because I couldn't get to the tissues or any toilet roll
in time[1]
My first thought was to observe that the mess in my hand looked somewhat like jism.
My
second thought was to note that it was unlikely that I could produce
such a volume of jism nowadays, let alone project it at the speed of a
sneeze (like I used to be able to).
Third thought was to post the hilarious jism/phlegm problem CaB, but I couldn't think of a decent post title.
I feel very, very, old today.
#Desolation
-
A staunchly left wing barman is forced by his employer to serve
Nigel Farage a pint of Doombar and hand it to him smiling in a photo op.
-
Six men go to a charming little freehold pub with its own
microbrewery. There are several tasty, diverse and unique ales on offer.
It's lager all round.
-
A delightful librarian- a dead ringer for Dad's Army's
Private Godfrey- with severe COPD passes away after a neophyte 999
operator mistakes his desperate gasps for help for an obscene phone
call.
An out-of-work racist spends her hours skewing a hamlet's moral compass.
-
A nearly blind pensioner runs herself a nice hot sink.
-
A broken Cornish man considers the benefits of existence after
losing 5-1 to himself at Subbuteo in his elderly parents' garage.
-
A man is informed the dog shit stain in his Ferrari will 'never come out'.
-
A lacklustre goldfish chokes and drowns on a teddy bear shaped
vitamin tablet well meaningly donated by a child undergoing tests.
-
"Because I love you!", blurts out Mark to his frankly repulsive newsagent.
-
A book on how to win arguments by referencing the bible sits in a Walmart, cheap enough for a stupid prick to buy it.
(http://i.imgur.com/OOD4mzi.png)
(bonus material) (http://i.imgur.com/jnH8qQN.jpg)
-
A nearly blind pigeon spies a lovely bird bath to wash its feathers.
A corpulent haulier scoops a dead pigeon from his septic tank with 'the pigeon scooper'.
-
A man unwraps a dvd boxset to discover he has actually bought a bootleg of the series, the front cover actually reading Toffee Friends.
-
"Because I love you!", blurts out Mark to his frankly repulsive newsagent.
Maybe she's the one.
-
The death of his mother and only carer provokes an American man with
severe learning difficulties into realising his life long dream of
visiting Wimbledon to see the Wombles.
Nobody is there to tell him just why the single tickets are cheaper than a return.
-
A teacher overhears a camp 8 year old being called a 'poofy prick'
by a boss eyed 6 year old girl. She stifles a laugh and tweets about it
later that night.
A kitten is served as a starter at a Korean cafe.
A youth 'frisbees' a shard of broken glass at a herd of cows.
-
A lost dog, startled by a helicopter hired by her owner to find her, tumbles off a promontory and drowns in the sea..
-
Maybe she's the one.
I forgot to mention- SHE HAD A STRING OF ASSAULT CHARGES AND WAS KNOWN AS An ACCESSORY TO PIGEON THEFT
-
It's Friday evening at last. 51 year old care assistant Pippa lies
on her bed and administers an almighty fannygasm thinking about all the
naked men's bottoms she'd seen throughout the week.
-
A muddy colt's whinnied application to switch fields receives
short thrift from a farmer who is too busy hammering UKIP voting slogans
into his land.
-
A council binman has his daily high cholesterol breakfast at the local cafe ready for a had day at the picket line.
-
An obese man with an eating disorder vomits into his own lap because
he doesn't want to miss the end of a daytime rerun of a Friends episode
he's seen three times before.
-
A strapping young lad wakes up outside of a Benidorm tattoo parlour
after a night out. Annoyed with missing his mobile phone and both shoes,
he looks in the shop window for some pointers for his hotel, and spends
thirty seconds realizing the severity of having the words CHEMICAL
TOILET tattooed along his jawline.
-
A man with learning difficulties eats a KitKat Chunky on a low wall
outside an Esso garage. He stares forlornly at a burnt patch in the
nearby grass, containing broken glass, a used novelty condom and yellow
dog shit.
An Ed Sheerin fan has a wank in the bath and hits himself in the face with a spunk exocet.
A
mean-lipped Surrey woman called Karen has a rich husband and no need to
work for a living. She has a big house, a 4x4 with personal plates, her
own personal trainer, and all the spare time in the world.
- None of this replaces the yawning, dark chasm that is her soul.
-
"Ah, Coleen, you have that certain jerr ne say quwar" says Phil from
Hastings before commencing his second Loose Women vhs compilation
inspired wank of the day. He's not even old enough to know why Coleen
Nolan is famous.
-
A lonely but obsessed man orders a 200000 Yen Kaye Adams skin suit
after hearing her voice on a radio in the movie "Under the Skin"
-
http://www.funhousetwins.co.uk/
-
June 2015, and smiling, chubby Barry, 29, purchases some charcoal
and a pack of sausages from a garage, totally unaware that the man who
will kill him 27 years from now in a mugging-gone-wrong, has just been
born in the adjoining hospital.
In 1987 at Port Talbot's Trebor
Mint Museum, a geriatric in orthopedic Hush Puppies and dreylon trousers
has an epileptic fit and shits himself inside out, whilst a family from
Carlisle looks on helplessly.
-
Dear CaB: some of these are brilliant. We should do a Desolation
Twitter. Either tweet the best (determined by karma) or just make the
username and password.for the account public on this thread and let
people go at it. Thoughts?
-
A waitress goes around a restaurant on an industrial estate in West
Dublin solemnly telling the diners "you know yer woman Deirdre from
Coronation Street? She's only gone and died like" while Dario G plays in
the background.
-
A 49-year old great-grandfather from Llandudno succumbs to heart
failure at the checkout of his local Lidl, after a near half-century of
excessive pork intake finally catches up with him.
In 1983, a pimply Wexford youth sends a Joy Division mix tape to a girl he fancies.
-
A man with a dodgy cock cums on a prozzie. She has a go at him
thinking he's wilfully pissed on her face after it shoots out dark and
yellow.
-
In the middle of the North Sea, cold and depressed, a
recently divorced Arbroath fisherman stamps a cod to death.
A
junkie attempts to break free of her tragic trajectory and fails within
20 minutes. She is found dead behind some bins the next morning.
Bryan Ferry wakes up, looks in the mirror and realises his best years are long gone. He goes back to bed.
-
umad?_44 frantically taps out another hate-message to fellow Xbox
Live user in his dark, orange streetlight-bathed rental flat in
Folkestone
-
A slightly dishevelled carpet fitter from Croydon called Tony has a
swift wank in a cupboard under the stairs at a job he's on in an attempt
to quell the feeling of deep existential dread that starts in his
stomach and slowly crawls up to his throat every time he has a minute to
himself. He spaffs on a broken beige hoover.
-
A charity shop volunteer prices up CD singles in Sea Palling
-
A goldfish develops an opinion, but is unable to voice it and nobody ever knows.
-
Overweight Ted dons his best silk shirt and dances the night away at
a deserted deep house club in Dumbarton. The melancholic, moody beats
coarse through his veins sending him into euphoria as he tears up the
dancefloor under the black light and strobes. He imagines himself
caressed by pure bliss.
At 3am he chokes on a battered sausage and is found without a shoe in a nearby storm drain the next morning.
-
A forest uproots and walks away, fed up with the constant bickering.
-
Birnam Wood socially distances itself from a dunce, inane.
-
A shy young man in an Aberystwyth bar asks a girl to dance. He
does this every weekend, and the girl never accepts - but the fact that
she is always nice about it convinces him that one day she will.
One cold, windy night he approaches her again and asks his usual
question. The girl, preoccupied with complications in her own
life, yells at him to fuck off. He leaves the bar and stands on
the seafront, shivering, wondering if he will have the courage to wade
into the water and never return. Just as he decides to give life a
chance, a windblown gannet smashes into his face and knocks him into
the path of an oncoming BMW. The driver, having a phobia of birds,
floors the accelerator, pulverising both man and gannet under the
wheels. A thin, chilly rain begins to fall.
-
The buttocks of a man with leprosy fall clean off.
-
You come home and your little cat's beautiful ears are just sitting
there in front of her. She stands there with her pretty paws together,
looking up up at you. There's no blood; she just seems to have shed her
ears.
"Meaaaooowwwwwwwww?"
You didn't know cats could
produce tears, but she's managing it. You try to fix it with all the
cuddles in the world, but she'll never be the same.
-
Looking down the back of the sofa for his lost youth Ernst gets a paper cut from a 30 year old Woman's Weekly.
A gobshite in a bar loudly boasts of once being a cameraman on a regional current affairs program.
1992, the American rap group, The Nonce, get the wrong impression from the large crowds gathering outside their first U.K. gig.
A disused railway tunnel hosts an asthmatics convention. The concentrated wheezing make the locals consult a witch finder.
A
travel agent opens her front door and lifts her head, eyes
closed, to feel the freshness of the morning air. A gull shits on
her tits.
A man feels a strange momentary emptiness after finally
picking off that dangly, dust filled cobweb from the lampshade on the
landing.
-
A man obsessed with Carol Smillie develops a hobby whereby he views cars advertised in Gumtree, he can't drive.
Six poofs spend a humid Saturday in Derby watching musicals.
A
young couple are trapped inside a tent for four days of their honeymoon
on Skye by a heady mix of midgies, rain and a yeast infection.
-
An old man in a cheap Teflon suit vigorously fiddles with his
testicles during a child's christening in 1991. The whole thing is
captured on camcorder, but is rejected by 'You've Been Framed' for being
too blue.
A lone gypsy in a filthy cagoul parks in the last
available Parent & Child space at ASDA, then coughs up a hideous
phlegm omelette within earshot of a respected gay Parson.
A hermaphrodite from Dundee nearly wins £10 on a scratchcard.
-
An LGBT member purchases a Tesco Value loaf of bread in, er, Swindon.
-
A Tesco Value loaf of bread goes unnoticed for 17 years behind an array of cheap Taiwanese made dumper truck transformers.
-
A Heather Small nightclub appearance in Runcorn is cancelled after
she throws a hissy fit upon observing the poster announcing "Tonight at
Lacey's Nightclub - Hether Smalls of of N People"
-
A young polar bear undergoes an existential crisis when it realises that it is fucking freezing.
-
Barry Manilow is folded in half and stuffed into a box after a
thirty stone stagehand mistakes him for a ventriloquist's dummy.
-
A heavily-eyebrowed plumber is explained how his enuresis is akin to
"the pipes you try to stop dripping with your ickle wickle spanner" in
caustically sarcastic terms, by his miming git of an urologist.
-
A worm's protracted, writhing death throes as it drowns in a puddle
backlit by flickering, paroxysmal reflections of broken street lighting
on some piss-filled winter's morning.
-
Two frozen crocodile burgers, £1.50 in Iceland.
-
A charity shop volunteer prices up CD singles in Sea Palling
Corr! Your a looker!
http://youtu.be/WpmILPAcRQo
-
(https://fbcdn-sphotos-h-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-xpf1/v/t1.0-9/s720x720/10303801_10152961805033211_4067385857894958181_n.jpg?oh=05397542c6b87a3b2dc2c9959516dd19&oe=5563BAA2&__gda__=1432101300_b7eef806a12ff67cc53f8df44727ac76)
281 likes.
-
The comment shouldn't be taken at face value, it's an instance of
the "thanks Obama!" meme, where you blame Obama for petty unrelated
stuff like a Republican. The fact that people still find that brilliant
is a little depressing though.
-
The
comment shouldn't be taken at face value, it's an instance of the
"thanks Obama!" meme, where you blame Obama for petty unrelated stuff
like a Republican. The fact that people still find that brilliant is a
little depressing though.
I
didn't circle the comment btw. It comes from this page:
https://www.facebook.com/MoronsWithSigns
(https://www.facebook.com/MoronsWithSigns)
e.g.
(https://fbcdn-sphotos-f-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-xpa1/v/t1.0-9/487915_10151046576028211_707047969_n.jpg?oh=ca2f2e7e48f87081aa6522f8a4dbbc76&oe=556B9C9A&__gda__=1432163966_bb861ea442d6c2b832249bd9bcf9ed82)
-
They should probably be more careful about besmirching people by name if they're going to make mistakes like that.
-
A fed up, redundant Minidisk salesman hangs himself in a lonely
belfry. His phone rings incessantly, the tune from 'Rhubarb and Custard'
echoes loudly into the crisp, winter night.
-
A man is forced to put the Brighthouse TV he paid £30 a month for 5 years up on Gumtree. It's priced at £30.
-
A man is forced to put the Brighthouse TV he paid £30 a month for 5 years up on Gumtree. It's priced at £30.
After
a week of no phone calls, he drops the price to £20 - finally, a local
crack dealer offers him £17 for it via a poorly-written text message,
and he accepts. The payment is made with a grubby five pound note and
sticky pound coins.
-
...which are promptly spent on...
-
A man buys a very cheap ground floor flat just round the corner from
a tube station in an outer zone. After the first weekend he realises
that his doorstep is right next to the alleyway that all inebriated
travellers use to empty their bladders after a heavy nights drinking and
that the rest of his tenure there will be tinged with the smell of
piss.
-
A teenager in a Leeds United away top does a Keith Lemon impression.
-
A 49 year old spinster takes 6 months off work and visits a Psychic Medium, after one of her 17 cats goes missing.
A
drunken idiot in a 'Duck my Sick' T-shirt, photobombs a quadroplegic
youth getting his photo taken with Fred Dineage in Lincoln.
A randy traffic warden has sex with a dot matrix printer in a skip.
-
A retired stock broker buys a packet of prawn skips to remind him of
those golden days in the red light district oh so long ago.
-
A man flogs his CPAP machine to a breath-fetishist in order to fund
his LOTR figurine collection. He suffocates on an afghan rug in a seedy
Brighton hotel the very next week.
-
A Fray Bentos pie.
-
A Fray Bentos pie features heavily in one of J M W Turner's last landscapes entitled "The End of Nobility"
-
Leave the Fray Bentos pies alone. You will be having a go at tinned potatoes and marrowfat peas next.
-
A Fray Bentos pie is needlessly mocked.
-
Dismayed by the meagre pickings of his packed lunch, an angler pours himself into his keepnet.
-
A cancer-riddled pensioner is kicked out of a taxi for doing a fart that triggers the driver's PTSD.
Felixstowe: As hail pounds on the roof of his caravan, a retired loss-adjuster watches The Road and casually masturbates.
-
Felixstowe.
-
A six year old boy has his photo taken with his arm around a
life-size Michael Jackson cutout in a dingy cellar shop on Rhyl
promenade in 1987, he shows the Polaroid to his friend explaining he met
Jackson on his 'holiday in America' desperately hoping he buys the
scam. He does.
-
A timid woman with a dishevelled 'The Scream' face queefs loudly
during clumsy and noncomittal coitus with a gormless caretaker's son.
She rolls off in embarrassment and sobs herself to sleep.
-
A Fray Bentos pie.
(http://www.britstore.co.uk/photos/Goblin_Meat_Pudding_155G.jpg)
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0U6sWqfrnTs
-
I see Terry Nutkins being forced to suck a cock.
On the thorax of a moth.
-
A retired 96 year old Colonel with a prosthetic leg falls over in
the snow on a Bristol side-street, fracturing his collarbone. As he lies
in the snow beckoning for someone to call an ambulance, a small group
of young people quickly grab their phones...and start filming.
It is Britain, 2015.
-
An attendant switches on the ultraviolet lights in the toilets of Hull train station.
-
(http://www.britstore.co.uk/photos/Goblin_Meat_Pudding_155G.jpg)
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0U6sWqfrnTs
(http://groceries.morrisons.com/productImages/229/229578011_0_640x640.jpg)
-
Despite multiple attempts with multiple tin openers a former Blue
Peter presenter fails to open a Fray Bentos, Chicken Balti tinned pie.
He opens his veins with the jagged lid of one he made earlier.
-
For the first time in human history a Frey Bentos pie cooks
perfectly. The pastry all nice and crisp, with plenty of meat with no
gristles. Unfortunately this pie will not be eaten as the woman who put
it in the oven suffered a massive heart attack afterwards as she
was taking a dump in the toilet. The pie will burn and set fire to the
house in which the women will burn to death along with her cat and her
Budgie. A fireman will die whilst trying to rescue her, that fireman's
wife will go on to kill herself by throwing herself in front of a bus
whilst her screaming toddler watches. The driver of the bus will suffer
trauma and as a result will lose his job. After 2 years on the dole the
bus driver is a nervous wreck. Short of money he wanders around the
streets searching for a job and food. Then one day he wins a food hamper
in a local raffle. He opens the hamper to find a chicken Frey Bentos
pie inside. He carefully opens the pie tin and puts it in the oven.
"Finally some half decent food" he thinks to himself as he smiles.
Suddenly he feels the urge to take a dump..
-
Fractal Desolation
Pi(e) = 3.14bentos
-
Ben Elton chuckles and nods to himself as he completes page after page of The Wright Way.
-
A lonely hoarder who lost his right ear in a house fire, listens to
'The B-Sides of The Wurzels - In Stereo' on a Sony Walkman he bought in
Scope for 79p. A lonely Fray Bentos pie sits forlornly on his hearth, as
he falls into a sleep he'll never wake from.
-
And all the singing is in the left channel, which corresponds to his deaf ear.
-
Kenji
Goto converted to Christianity in 1997, and is a member of a United
Church of Christ in Japan and a member of a parish in Den-en-chōfu,
Tokyo.
In October 2014, Goto's wife Rinko Jogo had a baby. He also has an older daughter from a previous marriage.
On Saturday, the 31st of January 2015, Goto was beheaded.
- credit to Wikipedia for that one.
-
An eloquent but desperately lonely man deliberately uses
malapropisms wherever possible just so that strangers can correct him,
thus prolonging what few conversations he has.
-
A young girl is enjoying herself whilst dancing in the disco to the
latest Boney M hit. Out of nowhere she suffers from a sudden massive
malapropism prolapse and drops down onto the dance floor dead. The line
"Oh those Russians" bursts from the speakers as the blood oozes from her
lifeless eyeballs.
-
Felixstowe.
A
nine year old boy who was supposed to be watching the Felixtowe
carnival out of his Grandma's bedroom window, turns around to see her
naked during the 'quick change' she thought she could get a away with.
This would never have happened in Southend.
-
A man with a young family reads Adrian Chiles' wikipedia entry instead of spending quality time with his kids.
After
a night out in Lowestoft, a drunken 29 year old man with a curtain
fringe, staggers up a back lane, vomits up cheap lager into his greasy
cheeseburger, then eats it. He wakes up at 6:39am next to a pigeon's
corpse, beneath a filthy transit van.
An unmarried man who lives for Morris Dancing, loses both of his legs in a bizarre gardening accident.
-
A rotund middle-aged bachelor resorts to increasingly harder
pornography in an attempt to counter the colossal loneliness that
dominates his life. One Tuesday morning his 80 year old mother walks in
on him joylessly wanking to a video called Brazillian Ape Gape. She's
into it...
-
A boisterous but dim dog slurps a slug off a stinging nettle leaf,
stings the fuck out it's tongue. Never slurps a slug again.
New fucking page cunt again.
A
mildly tipsy and dishevelled man worries about starting a new page on a
thread on a comedy forum on a Sunday night for no discernible reason.
He edits his post. Probably an attempt to fit in. Slurps down some more
ale and tries not to think too much about it.
-
A mildly tipsy and dishevelled man slurps a slug off a stinging
nettle leaf on a Sunday night for no discernible reason. He stings the
fuck out of his tongue. Probably an attempt to fit in.
-
A pot bellied 42 year old man decked out in Cons, skinny jeans and a
Strokes T shirt dances and sings passionately along to 'Mr Brightside'
as the sole attendee in an ill fated indie club night situated in the
upstairs of a dwindling pub. The depressed and recently divorced 43 year
old DJ tries his best not to make eye contact as his thoughts turn to
how many packets of over priced paracetamol he can get hold of in the 24
hour store on his way home.
-
The owners of a shed based homemade sex doll brothel is
celebrating 50 years in business at a local Harvester. Back at the shed a
rival Madam breaks in and superglues all the rolled up marigold gloves
together. Six miles away a regular client of the brothel known to the
owners as, Unwelcome Malcolm wakes from his uneasy sleep and shouts,
Vera, No! into the darkness of his caravan.
A former convert girl in an army surplus jumper uses the heat from a paraffin heater to make toast.
A
couple of gullible middle class teenagers experience an hashish like
high from smoking the potting compost they bought from a man in a
jesters hat.
An habitual liar is caught out and begins to weep genuine tears. The next day he is the inventor of Soda Stream again.
An environmentally aware pervert nails his penis to a piece of unsustainably sourced Ebony.
-
Ricky Gervais in ... the invention of soda stream
-
A hunch-backed Croatian farmer tills a barren-looking field using only a single hoe.
-
A severely dyslexic woman memorises the spelling of the word
apothecary the day before it is removed from the Oxford English
dictionary
-
A hunch-backed Croatian farmer tills a barren-looking field using only a single hoe.
I'm
currently reading a book that has strongly defended the nobility of
Croatian peasantry in the 1930s so don't find that so desolate actually.
-
See in the deadline with Dan Walker, who will present a transfer deadline day special edition of Football Focus on BBC One from 22:45 GMT.
He
will be joined by Murphy, Jenas and Neville to round up the day's
events, as well as an overview of the whole transfer window.
There
will be regular transfer news on national and regional television
programmes as well as BBC World, while you can watch the BBC Radio 5
live special from 19:00 GMT on the BBC red button.
The News Channel
will broadcast a 30-minute transfer deadline day edition of Football
Focus at 18:30 GMT, presented by Walker, that will also be streamed on
the BBC Sport website. Guests will include Jenas and Kilbane.
BBC World News will have bulletins at 18:43, 20:43 and 23:43 GMT.
See in the deadline...WTF?! Happy Deadline day!!
-
A deputy call-centre supervisor wears a Kappa tracksuit, with shiny
black formal shoes, to a wedding reception. He clutches a bottle of Blue
WKD to his chest, whilst dancing alone to 'I'm Walking on Sunshine' -
played at an atom-shattering volume.
A sad, elderly three-legged
chocolate labrador hops up a dirty Mansfield back alley in the Summer of
1996. By the time you read this, he's already been dead for many, many
years.
A hermaphrodite who suffers blackouts, follows Dermot Murnaghan on Twitter.
A bored dwarf sits in his dank Dagenham bedsit, writing gay Noddy fan fiction, using a pencil stolen from Argos.
-
Feeling inspired after hearing a joke on an 8 out of 10 cats rerun, Sue from Bedford smears peanut butter over her genital.
Unlike in the joke, the dog is not interested.
-
A
sad, elderly three-legged chocolate labrador hops up a dirty Mansfield
back alley in the Summer of 1996. By the time you read this, he's
already been dead for many, many years.
SNG wants me to tell you that you are a monster.
-
SNG wants me to tell you that you are a monster.
Feel bad now, as a dog-lover, but it is the Desolation thread after all.
-
He was laughing his head off, if that makes you feel any better.
-
Ah, that's ok then.
A tramp freezes to death in the foetal position outside a condemned Ormskirk leisure centre.
-
Ah, that's ok then.
A tramp freezes to death in the foetal position outside a condemned Ormskirk leisure centre.
Fuck you..you've just pissed off one avid tramp lover.
-------
"Avid
tramp lover" is released as a Christmas single b-side by Stockport
Willy, a 50 year old mentally challenged man who found infamy on a
youtube viral where he blows his cock off with a Vietnamese firecracker.
-
A rotund robin gets accidentally pissed on a bit of fermented apple
and woozily tries to fly home. On the way he gets blown into a bush, has
to sit on a twig for 20 minutes to sort his head out.
-
Lying, bleary eyed and damp in a Bottrop back street, Jurgen hears
the faint sound of merriment drift down the narrow street from an
über-40s party being held at Club Afrika.
As he drifts into
eternal sleep, he mouths the words to accompany the song "Oh, do ze okey
cokey. Ohhhh, do ze okey cokey, knees in, arms out, heil heil heil"
-
A middle-aged, middle-management bachelor's vacuum cleaner
malfunctions and sprays the room with the thousands of maggots that have
been feasting upon the bodies of the many rodents he has sucked into it
over the last few months.
-
A single father devotes his attention to ignoring both his crying
infant son, and the flames and smoke from his kitchen, as he casually
browses bing.com for methods to circumvent the Sun's online paywall.
-
A toilet attendant crosses himself as a drunk Johnny Vegas stumbles into a stall.
-
An out-of-work clown listens to Mumford & Sons, whilst plums-deep in a battered flesh torch.
In
a cry for help that goes unanswered, a pig-ugly Bobsleigh fan writes
'Fuck off you bastards!!' on the Facebook wall of the Female Austrian
Luge Team.
-
A toilet attendant crosses himself as a drunk Johnny Vegas stumbles into a stall.
A toilet attendant crosses herself as a drunk Cheryl Surname stumbles out of a stall.
-
^ did the drunk johnny vegas shit out the drunk cheryl surname?
i hope so.
-
An autistic homosexual wears a Breton jumper to a gaybar.
After one mouthful a delicious chicken chow mein is cack handedly dropped into the gutter by a famished paraplegic in Greenock.
A
man starts a campaign of hate against his neighbour after her newly
installed bird feeder gains traction with the local wild birds.
-
'Cheryl Surname' is an anagram of 'unreal Cerys - hm'.
I must hunt her down and find out what else she knows.
-
An early cleaning lady and the only remaining worker in a darkened
office make awkward small talk, both knowing she's clocked his hastily
stuffed-away erection.
-
After being jilted by a disabled Latvian sex worker, A spiteful fat
man deliberately posts unhidden spoilers on a 'Walking Dead' fan forum,
from his static home in Dawlish.
A man close to retirement age is
the only person to dress up for an 'Only Fools & Horses'- themed
charity day in his office. Later that day, whilst still dressed as Uncle
Albert, he takes his own life in an unlit kitchen.
A Judas Priest fan finds God in the freezer section of Aldi.
-
A beanbag-shaped primary school cleaner yelps, llamaesque, when
scraping her bare, hairy shin against a low brick wall alongside the
ladybird wildlife garden.
Some tattered tarpaulin advertising a
rotund former professional darts player's special guest appearance from
Christmas 2011 flails in a chilling breeze outside an East Ridings
working men's club. Unsanitary fruit machines twinkle inside; cars hurry
along the A road outside.
-
A promising young model is permanently disfigured after a peanut
with a human being allergy swells up and explodes inside his mouth.
-
The Powerhouse club, Newcastle - Facebook page
In the first of our X-Factor 2010 Fridays, we bring Simons first act out F.Y.D. (Follow Your Dreams).
The
five piece group, consisting of Kelvin, Alex, Ryan, Matt and Jordan
sang Plan B's "She Said" in their first audition winning high praise
from Louis and Cheryl but Simon Cowell "just didn’t get it.”
At
judges houses and with Simon as their catogory mentor chances looked
slim for this band but they made it into his choosen three and the live
shows.
Preforming Bruno Mars "Billionaire" they got their chance
to shine on the live stage but the viewer votes left them in the bottom
three.
Nicolo Festa became the first finalist knocked out this
year and F.Y.D. then had to compete in a sing-off with Cheryl's girl
Katie Waissel.
Singing Rihanna's "Don't stop the music" it all
came down to Louis Walsh on the judges votes who voted along with Cheryl
& Danni to send the boys home and LIVE for their debut NEWCASTLE
performance at the PH Fri 22nd October.
Keep watching this weekends X-FACTOR (shown in Switch, Bank & Gossip) to see who'll be next to appear at POWERHOUSE.
1st comment
CANT AFFORD IT :'''''( xx
2nd comment
sorry going to stratford! x
-
In front of a gaggle of pretty sixth formers, a fuck-faced simpleton
with a neck tattoo and stolen Puma trainers, struggles with the
revolving door of his local dole office.
On his 2am break in a
nothing town, a crab-eyed kebab shop employee listens to Ndubz whilst
booking an appointment with a 36 year old grandmother on Adultwork.
The
front end of an Austin Maestro pokes out of a grimy tarpaulin on a
Cardiff driveway - undriven since it's owner's fatal 1997 heart attack -
his severely disabled widow unable to part with it.
-
A braying student on a Friday night train describes a project at UNIVERSITY as, 'Kick Ass'.
A pigeon gets tangled in a clementine bag and freezes to death in the doorway of Bejam.
Two tramps bum each other inside an industrial wheelie bin
-
Fearing a knock on the door from the local constabulary, an arable
farmer with eyebrows on his cheeks and a faint wiff of bad scotch eggs
about him, flytips 37kg of Belgian Revenge Porn in a Norfolk layby,
before treating himself to an out-of-date pepperami and a carton of flat
Um Bongo.
-
There are quite a lot of lifestyles described in this thread that I can only aspire to.
-
A man tries to convince himself for the 5th day in a row that the
red in his stool must be from that bit of beetroot he ate last week.
-
When it becomes blindingly obvious that the man opposite isn't
actually listening to anything on his headphones and is eavesdropping on
the drunk students opposite him, one of them loudly adds "it only
turned out she was fucking married" to his late night conversation on a
Wirral Line train.
-
A special needs kid in a Beavis & Butthead t-shirt has an aneurysm on a Skegness ghost train.
A
sad batchelor in a beige pac-a-mac gets his photo taken with Nell
McAndrew at a summer fete. The photo is blurry and her smile insincere,
but this is the highlight of his life.
A skinny woman with all
sorts of underlying esteem issues, begs her tattooed smackhead boyfriend
to stop kicking the shit out of a pacifist Chinese student who 'looked
at him funny' in a taxi rank.
-
This video.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=p227z98e66Q
-
A bitter octogenarian virgin clones himself and ports his memories
into the new body on his deathbed and then lives yet another life devoid
of physical affection because he's still a massive arsehole.
A
convicted mass murderer and a convicted serial paedophile conceive a
pair of twins via sex through the bars of a temporary holding cell. The
mother subsequently sells her brood to other prisoners, first for
heroin, then for less heroin.
Clawing at his face with pudgy
fingers an acne-ridden overweight gas fitter strains out liquid horror
from his bowels into the once pristine pan... in a customers house. This
is the the 5th visit to the swanny and the second person's house he has
sullied today. Droplets of sweat from his forehead soak into the toilet
mat.
-
An eccentric Sweeney fan who fancies himself as a modern day Jack
Regan, starts wearing kipper ties, flares and loud shirts in everyday
life, and is promptly laughed down by school-kids who have no concept of
anything prior to 2005.
In a vain attempt to be hilarious, a man
with the username of 'Terry Waite's Radiator' posts an out-of-date, low
resolution cat meme in the wrong section of a Port Vale fan forum.
-
This video.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=p227z98e66Q
Soundtracked by Dumpy's Rusty Nuts.
-
Susan discovers a disastrous design flaw in Tena Lady at her 60th birthday party.
-
In the searing July heat, a fight breaks out between a bereaved,
alcohol ravaged father and a deadbeat council underling assigned to
remove some cheap wilting flowers left by the spot where young Casper
got splatted by an asphalt lorry three years ago. An eye socket is
brutally dislocated to the soundtrack of Happy by Pharrell Williams,
which blasts from the car of a fuckwit in a nearby traffic jam.
-
A lifelong closeted gay virgin finally decides to do something with
his sexuality at the age of 56 only to realise that he's impotent.
-
A man at his own wedding reception stares into the middle distance
for 23 seconds, after it suddenly dawns on him that 100 years from now,
everyone in the room will be dead. Later that evening, he struggles to
keep an erection for his new bride, a pre-cursor to their messy divorce
11 months later.
-
A
lifelong closeted gay virgin finally decides to do something with his
sexuality at the age of 56 only to realise that he's impotent.
"It's like raaay-eeeee-aayyynn..."
-
In his final weeks, Fred Dibnah allowed the veil to drop and
admitted he was a raving technophile. He leads his wife to the
basement to let her hear his Dolby DTS 11.2 home cinema set up complete
with a 65" Pioneer Kuro plasma. He says that Isimbard Kingdom
'fucking' Brunel couldnt have built this and that the Victorians in
general were nothing but black and white shit stabbers.
A
depressed, bald man latches onto a group of colleagues on their
way to the pub on a Friday. They tolerate his mind piss and Jill
from HR plants an overly long kiss on his cheek. After 4 pints of
draught Fosters and a 'jaegerbomb' he makes his excuses and
leaves. Warm with the half hearted conversations from earlier and
knowing he has reached some sort of personal zenith, he decides he wants
to go out on a high note and hurls himself off a multi story car park.
Mark
E Smith refuses to open the special delivery letter from the local
oncology dept. He racks up a few lines of whizz and heads for the
boozer. Its 11am.
-
It had been sitting on the shelf by the chip shop till for months.
Every few weeks a hand would enter it's home and each time it hoped to
be picked but instead the hand of god would pick one of its comrades.
Now it was alone in its home watching from behind the glass as various
people entered through the door and ordered things. Then one fateful day
it heard the voice of god say "Time to get rid of this, it's been in
here for weeks". Finally it would serve its purpose! Its time had
come!..but things were different this time as it felt its home start to
move. The sound of the gates of heaven erupted as it felt itself fall.
It seemed to fall forever untill it landed with a thump into the cold
plastic bin bag. Now it was worth nothing, just an out of date
disguarded pickled egg, unwanted and doomed to decompose on the rubbish
tip. Not even good enough to be digested.
-
disguarded
I will adopt this word and use it, for it is pleasing to mine eye.
-
In an unassuming small town cafe, an obese man from Goring-by-Sea
who was born in 1997 calls a gentle old lady behind the till a "fucking
whore" because the wifi went down for five minutes.
-
A 48 year old father (82% bald) from Reading sighs as he walks past
his 16 year old sons bedroom and hears him telling an 11 year old boy
from Switzerland to "kill yourself faggot" whilst he plays call of duty
on the xbox.
A 16 year old boy gags then gets a semi after looking at his 48 year old bald(ing) fathers internet history.
An
11 year old Swiss boy spends 20 years battling with massive insecurity
and self doubt over his sexual identity before ending up in a fulfilling
relationship with a 36 year old man (53% bald) originally from Reading.
Ending's probably a bit happy for the desolation thread. Change 'fulfilling' to 'abusive' for full desolation.
-
A homeless alcoholic stumbles into the corner shop with a handful of
change. Stumbling towards the chiller his attention is diverted by a
single can of Tizer. His mind flashes back to a happy childhood, he
grabs the can and vows to make a change in his life.
Exiting the shop he opens the can and takes a sip. The recipe for Tizer was changed long ago, his mood comes crashing back down.
-
A man glances across the room to greet the stare of the beautiful
woman who has been watching him dig a bogey out of his nose for the last
two minutes.
-
A beautiful snot fetishist is disappointed when the man she has been
watching with poorly-disguised lust for the last two minutes screams
and runs out of the building, never to return.
-
A South African man with dirty fingernails enters his local PC World
and asks a sales assistant if they sell 3D printers, so he can print
himself a whore.
-
The last hackings of a smoker's cough ricochet off a Darlington
warehouse and injures an off duty optometrist with its unfriendly
phlegm.
-
A crinkled grandad with fantasies of a Farage-led government, forces
his 5 year old grandson watch Das Boot with him on a sunny afternoon,
the only refreshment being flat lemonade and a stale macaroon.
As
her 2 year old son screams in her face for not cutting his toast in the
EXACT shape of Iggle Piggle, 26 year old single mum Karen - her last
shower 3 days ago, and her house resembling a bad day in Beirut -
finally forgets what it's like to feel human.
In a darkened
Shoreditch living room, a flabby husband stares at his wife's dead-eyed
face as she completes level 389 of Candy Crush without so much as a
smile. He remembers when he was 5, how much he wanted to be an
astronaut.
-
Gossip: Fulham plan £15m Steve Bruce bid
-
A corpse is dug up after falling behind on the hire purchase on his grave.
-
People born in 1998 will be old enough to hold a UK driver's licence this year.
-
Everyone born in 1998 perishes before they earn their UK driver's licence ...
-
Perennial nice guy Finton Chung, a half-Chinese Dubliner, opens up
Facebook chat and types in 'Hi' to cute, unattached veterinary assistant
Shona, whom he vaguely knows through a friend of a friend.
- She logs off immediately.
Cushion-faced
council worker Steve, 56, stays trapped in a loveless marriage with his
hateful wife Susan, having now reached a point in his life where
meeting a new woman would first require cash exchanging hands.
-
Thirty-five trainee nuns perish in a fire while the mother superior
sits watching Emmerdale with the volume so high she can't hear their
screams.
-
In its last moments, a dying pigeon is fed crinkle-cut mini cheddars by an Irish woman in Piccadilly Gardens.
-
A man appointed as Welsh Secretary stands there among an auditorium
of the most important men in Wales, pretending to mumble their national
anthem.
-
A Weather Report fan is turned away from a Harvester for his poor hygiene. The waiter tells him they are full.
-
A man receives a second disciplinary after using the work van to stalk his ex-wife.
-
A gentle man spends his last fiver on the complete Van der Valk TV series on VHS.
-
On his 40th birthday, a man sends a satirical post about audiophilia to a comedy messageboard. He sits alone, laughing.
-
On his lunch break, a divorced Sky engineer sits in the works van
near his ex-wife's house, eating a Ginster's pastie over an ancient copy
of The Sun. In what is becoming a daily routine, he starts a deep
conversation with a dirty 'Flat Eric' air freshener on the dashboard.
John
Nettles farts in B-minor whilst opening a branch of Lidl, and hopes
nobody will notice. A hunch-backed man in a faulty electric wheelchair,
does.
Whilst waiting for a routine endoscopy, a man close to
retirement age reads a copy of Hello! magazine so old, that Jade Goody
is the cover star.
-
Nobody attends a repertory performance of Sarah Kane's Crave at Theatr Clwyd, causing the director to sigh loudly as he leaves another empty theatre. The following day, An Evening with Bobby Davro is sold out.
-
(https://pbs.twimg.com/media/B9fijSJIUAEpy3d.jpg)
https://twitter.com/popbitch/status/565169377192857602
-
I think it's the "unspecified" that makes it that bit bleaker..
-
(http://i1320.photobucket.com/albums/u525/VoddyM/Desolation_zpsbmnrsdb4.jpg)
-
A man shits his pants whilst walking home in a drunken state,
they're the last pair of pants his old mum got him for Christmas before
she passed away unexpectedly during varicose vein surgery. Struggling to
find something to wipe his arse with he uses the matching socks he got
with the pants and throws the lot into the corner of a piss stained bus
shelter.
-
An elderly lady in Catford attempts to steady herself using a hand
rail on a bus as it suddenly accelerates off from a stop only to find
herself unable to grab it as it's covered in chicken grease from
schoolkids bargain meals from the Kent Fried Chicken just near their
school. She falls and breaks her hip.
-
A happily engaged woman finds herself buying a new phone and
scrawling its number on the wall of a nearby bus shelter, under the
message 'BIG TITTY BITCH'. Three hours later her new phone rings,
and she recognises the wheezy panting of her soon-to-be ex-fiancé.
-
a minuscule geordie enters "treblinka" into ask jeeves but gets
distracted by the sound of his cat puking up some love beads to bother
reading any further.
-
A poorly made American TV show plays the Who's Baba O' Reilly in the
final episode of the season to show the wealthy protagonist's
redemption and renewed spirit of vigour to tackle the challenges ahead.
-
After painful root canal surgery, a beta-male with a head like a big
fuck-off butterbean and an unhealthy interest in the music of A-Ha,
returns to his car to be greeted with two flat tyres and a totally
unreasonable parking fine. On his phone there are 7 missed calls and a
voice message from his stepsister. There's some bad news about dad.
On
Channel 4 in the near future, a mobile phone provider uses a
hipster-sung version of John Lennon's 'Imagine' to promote their latest
hand-held idiot machine.
-
Redcar man enters a raffle for a mystery seaside holiday for his
family desperate for a break from the drudgery of their day to day
existence. He finds he has the winning ticket but discovers that the
holiday is in fact a weekend in a Hartlepool B&B in February.
-
A bearded Belle & Sebastian fan helps a young lady pick up her
dropped shopping bags during a rainstorm. As he places the last bag in
the boot of her Fiat 500, she takes a phone call from her friend - 'Had a
total mare with my shopping but this guy helped me pick it up'
............................... 'Haha, urgh god no!'
-
Better luck next time - the familiar refrain echoes in 45 year old doughnut head on his 112th visit to a Bolton fun fair
-
Dave Benson Phillips get involved in a Twitter race storm.
In a musky corner, a Mathematics undergraduate types '80085' on a calculator and does a wry chuckle. He's still a virgin.
A
bi-polar teenage girl with an alabaster complexion and limited access
to the internet, listens to Snow Patrol in a bedroom with Peter Pan
wallpaper and no lightshade.
-
A child claims to his dad that she was Clive Dunn in a former life.
An old man tells a story about when he was banned from a pub for asking for a pint of bitter in a straight glass in the 1950's.
A retired dent longs for the good old days.
A
man mistakes the hair tossing of a woman as a sign of attraction
towards him. In reality she is sctaching her scalp beause of the
irritation cased by head lice and looking to feed her children at the
same time.
A child of the sixties superglues a boiled beetroot to
his forehead to channel the energy of the cosmos into his nostrils. He
is the prospective parlimentary candidate for Ukip in the Wyre Forest
constituency.
A bald man sellotapes a solar panel onto his bald
head in a stupid attempt to grow cress out of his scalp for charity. He
makes the regional television news but is ostrasiced when it becomes
known that he once stood in the same room as a man who was in the
paedopile information exchange.
-
Surely that benson Phillips Twitter storm one could be serialised?
Lurid
photographs of David Benson Phillips emerge online after a far right
hacker correctly guesses his iCloud password "beaniebabybumbum"
-
The year is 2023, a Chesney Hawkes lookalike, too young to remember
the original is mobbed to death by several gangrenous grannies on a boy
band nostalgia night out
-
The real Chesney Hawkes wakes screaming from his recurring nightmare in which his mole falls off.
-
A desperately shy man who idolizes English debonair gentlemen sees
Roger Moore smoking outside a brasserie in Richmond. He tentatively
tries to attempt a conversation with him only to be told "Get fucked you
nonce shitcunt" by Sir Roger who, angry at having his moment of peace
interrupted, furiously grinds his Lambert & Butler into the floor
and storms off. The man is devastated that Moore smokes such a cheap
brand and not Dunhill like he imagined.
-
(http://puu.sh/fP16R/e534441fe2.png)
-
Haha, that was a story in the local paper recently. McDonalds served a cop a raw burger.
-
Also, one for this thread: I apparently have such low self-esteem
that I forgot this has happened to me as well, I just didn't think about
it until just then.
-
In 1991, an only child from Kent bursts into tears as the batteries
die on his Gameboy, seconds before he is about to complete Marioworld.
As his achingly middle class parents console him, he shouts out a sexual
swearword.
An Belgian science teacher who likes Van Halen in a
non-ironic way, gets a hard-on after sniffing a tub of quark during a
teacher training day.
A 79 year old Macclesfield widower with
nothing else going on in his life, gets excited about buying a tin of
mushy peas for 15p instead of 17p at Lidl. On the bus home, he spots a
flamboyantly dressed young man and mutters 'fookin' poof' to anyone
who'll listen, which is no-one.
-
In
1991, an only child from Kent bursts into tears as the batteries die on
his Gameboy, seconds before he is about to Marioworld.
1994, Essex, Link's Awakening, beat Windfish, fucking power cable flickers off as end sequence begins.
-
It's Thursday and socially anxious Robert, 38, has spent another
five hours deliberating over the content of a brief email to let all his
colleagues know he's brought a cake in. Words have been moved around,
sentences tweaked and the decision to include a playful exclamation mark
strenuously agonised over. By the time he's finally happy with the
email draft and ready to bring out the cake, it is 5:32pm and all but
three people have left the office for the day. He logs off, carries the
cake home and puts it back in the fridge. He slumps in front of
Hollyoaks and lets out an exhausted sigh. "Tomorrow's the one, Robert"
he whispers to himself. "Tomorrow's the one".
-
Adds "Vodka Margarine -> Robert" to the CaB Real Names Chart
-
The facebook page of a genuinely top bloke from Rochester who died
at 24 from bone cancer. The page contains outpourings of grief and
mourning from those that loved and cared about him, these petered out
after about 8 months. The page is still up though, still on people's
friends lists. Every time someone scrolls past the profile picture and
name they're reminded of their own fleeting mortality, the mortality of
everyone they have ever known and loved and how much they loved and miss
their friend. The creeping dread often causes them to just log out of
facebook entirely. They can't bring themselves to remove the profile
from their friends list though, it would feel like another death, even
more final than the first.
The bloke's name was Archie.
-
"Just you and me again tonight, eh Carmen?" rasps Sandy to his
long-suffering clock, as he reaches for his puffer and the oils before
then pulling the baffling around his string vest and thoughts. Carmen's tick, tocks will be just the faintest of vole's pulses until daybreak now.
-
Gary Dillon, a 39 year old local museum employee, stands observing a
browsing elderly couple. Her face lights up as she squeezes his papery
old hand and delightedly says "Look, Henry! There were once hippos in
Dartford!". Henry gazes down fondly and slowly shakes his head in mock
disbelief. "Hippos, no less! Wait till we tell young Fraser!" He lightly
squeezes her shoulder and trundles her over to look at some old spoons
someone once found in Kent. Gary feels a crack forming in the carapace
of emotional indifference he has tried to build up these last few
months. He sits down in a toilet cubicle and looks at some photos on his
phone, photos of him and her. He knows he's neither what she needs or
what she wants.
-
A man's piss smells of the unctious pork belly he had earlier.
He gingerly tastes it. It tastes like pork belly.....and piss.
A woman wins £48 at the bingo and to celebrate spends £77 on taxis and smack.
A toastie is ignored.
-
Knowing this is the Internet and you're stuck on it.
(http://i.imgur.com/TrFXg86.png)
-
A man leaves for work in high spirits but is soon confonted by a
gang of beaked space scarecrows who take turns having sex with his
bottom.
-
During the final snooze in the cycle before he has to get
up for work, middle manager Tony dreams that his long dead childhood pet
dog, Lady, is still alive and in a state of Peter Pan like eternal
youth. The alarm jolts him into reality, but he has to go back to be
with her just one more time. Ten snoozes and as many twisted Ladyless
dreams later, he admits defeat and goes to work horribly late. Tony has
used all his warnings and is promptly given his notice.
Laaaaaayyyyyyydeeeeeee!!!!!!
-
In a pixelated version of the expansive African plain, two
anthropomorphic meerkats of indeterminate European origin drive away
into the distance sobbing, abandoning their infant charge in the deserts
forever, just because he looked a bit sad
-
http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/magazine-31365003
This article. The fact that many small communities were relying on Tesco to bring life to their dreary corner of the country.
-
A jobsworth chip shop employee uses all of his sarcastic might to
subtlety lambast a flustered professional dog walker for not making it
clear if he wants two sausages and a portion of chips for one person, or
two orders of sausage and chips for two people, whilst spittling on an
unrelated, juxtaposed haddock.
-
"Well, that's all my salt gone now," a sighing Barrie
tells the achingly mute Runcornian night, feeling fat tears slide down
his face, and dripping down to mingle up a brackish bodily marinade
along with tummy sweat and acquired friendly-fired spermy aggregate as
he trudges home from Avril Windross's pie'n'Bukkake party.
-
On a John Le Mesurier fan forum, a twunt with egg-in-a-bun hair
corrects a newbie on a minor historical inaccuracy, making him cry.
Dean Gaffney breaks down, literally and metaphorically, on a Romford slip road.
The
Fat One from 'Horrible Histories' is served coffee with a human hair in
it at a Travel Tavern, but decides not to pursue it with management.
-
deleted for being needlessly arsey, although it wasn't meant like that.
-
A 20 year old supermarket assistant is awarded 'employee of the month' for creating a food waste bleach dousing rota.
-
A bored Battlestar Galactica fan treats himself to a 2015 calendar,
each month featuring a different, digitally-enchanged frame of the
Zapruder film.
A retired, ex-TNA wrestler with a creepy,
stand-offish demeanour, tries to sell trading cards of himself at
Wrestling Conventions across the US, with zero success.
A weedy chav listens to 'Fuck Da Police' on his way to a Speed Awareness Course in Donington.
A prole on a bus farts within earshot of an English Rose in a Parka.
-
A triad spends nearly half an hour wiping shit off his arse.
-
A gay man sits on his bed and realizes that in his nearly 40 years
of life he's only ever received 2 valentines day cards and both of them
were from women.[1] He looks towards his drawn curtains with tears in his eyes.[2]
-
A
gay man sits on his bed and realizes that in his nearly 40 years of
life he's only ever received 2 valentines day cards and both of them
were from women.[1] He looks towards his drawn curtains with tears in his eyes.[2]
Here, have a Valentine's kiss and some karma from a man. x
-
Here, have a Valentine's kiss and some karma from a man. x
Thank you Kane, it is very much appreciated. Have some karma from me. x
-
The
Fat One from 'Horrible Histories' is served coffee with a human hair in
it at a Travel Tavern, but decides not to pursue it with management.
That isn't desolate. It merely illustrates how lovely Jim Howick is.
-
Yeah I guess, plus it's such a great show and the cast are awesome.
- Dave Grohl privately tells the Kaiser Chiefs he wasn't joking.
- During a middle class garden party, a dad in corduroy slacks declares Hal Cruttenden the best thing since sliced bread.
-
A catfish trips over.
A lettuce addict sees that the only
till free is the one manned by Sweaty Steve, who delights in loudly
telling him that his shopping sunk the Titanic.
-
Halfway through a standup show Harry Hill is suddenly struck by an
epiphany, he looks out into the audience and imagines the audience
consists of ghosts of the people who died that he could have saved had
he stayed a doctor. Tears welling in his eyes he buries his face in his
hands. Unfortunately, he's wearing Stouffer the Cat and as he loudly
cries into Stouffer's mouth all he can hear is laughter.
-
On Valentine's Day, a table in a fancy restaurant is booked for two.
The restaurant offers a set menu, with a sharing platter as the starter
and a series of romantic treats to follow, culminating in the couple's
choice of dessert. Desmond sits alone, dejected after being informed
that the last chocolate mousse had just been served. Having just eaten a
whole meal for two, he proceeds to vomit in front of the other diners
with fullness, loneliness and disgust.
-
At 11am, as a Valentine's Day treat, a man tries to auto-fellate and slips a disc.
-
A man sends a Valentine's Day card to himself optimistically by
second class mail on the 11th of February, one day earlier than last
year so it has to work this time!
Nothing.
Again.
-
A 20-something white guy goes to a Ghostface Killah concert and
midway, gazes into the once proud and prolific rapper's eyes and sees
the sort of look of emptiness that belongs to a person that has
completely lost any and all hunger for life and is just going through
the motions while waiting for death. He promptly exits the venue,
leaving the rapper to perform to a crowd that is uniformly texting on
their phones.
At that exact moment, one block away in a poorly
maintained studio apartment, a deranged rescue cat does a viscous green
shit on its hapless owner's only pair of work pants.
-
Susan's new puppy walks in on her contorted and pasty body,
desperately trying to eat herself out. It barks happily and hops up onto
the bed beside her, its wonderful canine mind unblemished by the shame
of a lonely saturday night wank.
But Susan knows it, oh yes Susan knows.
-
On
Valentine's Day, a table in a fancy restaurant is booked for two. The
restaurant offers a set menu, with a sharing platter as the starter and a
series of romantic treats to follow, culminating in the couple's choice
of dessert. Desmond sits alone, dejected after being informed that the
last chocolate mousse had just been served. Having just eaten a whole
meal for two, he proceeds to vomit in front of the other diners with
fullness, loneliness and disgust.
I
ended up eating about 2 mussels and nearly vomiting out an oyster from
our seafood platter for 2 (39 quid plus 10 pp supplement)...i hate
seafood, particularly cold seafood. Total bill 114 quid, total amount
eaten by me... 2 mussels, an oyster and some venison carpaccio. We
missed dessert to avoid missing the train.
-
(http://i167.photobucket.com/albums/u146/Cheese_maniac/thetwogreats_zps6ftwsbid.png)
-
That poor bastard, imagine having to spend valentines day with Liam Gallagher.
-
A spotty herbert spends Valentine's Day making Smurfs out of below-par plaster of Paris.
A
warty man on heavy anti-depressants stands in the kitchen with his
pants round his ankles, shouting profanities at invisible communist
harvest mice.
A garden gnome with a cracked hat is lost forever in the overgrown back garden of a boarded-up council house.
-
The triumphant snarls of a Yorkshire terrier herald the shaking to
death of a dozy mixy rabbit underneath an electricity pylon that's
crackling like a self-unfolding crisp packet.
Martin writes his sister to declare himself wankrupt.
-
A nervous teacher reddens at a violent rate when on day one at an
inner city secondary school his clammy, shaking hands can't unlock the
classroom and let the baying, sniggering hordes of ribald teenagers in. "Are you like that with your cock and a woman's foo-foo, sir?," enquires one card of a scamp.
-
I
ended up eating about 2 mussels and nearly vomiting out an oyster from
our seafood platter for 2 (39 quid plus 10 pp supplement)...i hate
seafood, particularly cold seafood. Total bill 114 squid, total amount eaten by me... 2 mussels, an oyster and some venison carpaccio. We missed dessert to avoid missing the train.
FTFY.
-
FTFY.
I don't mind the squid, I'm squids in with squid.
-
A giraffe-necked woman on the verge of her 19th nervous breakdown,
destroys her entire collection of ornamental cats with a toffee hammer
she stole from her senile mother.
-
Counsel
for grandmother charged with three others over staged abduction of
six-year-old says aim was to teach child to protect himself
...bound
the boy’s hands and feet with plastic bags and covered his face with a
jacket, so that he wouldn’t realise he was being brought to the basement
of his own home. There, a woman removed his pants and told him he would
be sold into “sex slavery”
http://www.theguardian.com/us-news/2015/feb/15/lawyer-missouri-fake-kidnap-plan-six-year-old-boy
(http://www.theguardian.com/us-news/2015/feb/15/lawyer-missouri-fake-kidnap-plan-six-year-old-boy)
-
(http://www.wrestlecrap.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/02/virgil02.jpg)
(http://25.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_m14xufnahK1rs1f4ro1_500.jpg)
(http://i.kinja-img.com/gawker-media/image/upload/s--TYOfY7rD--/c_fit,fl_progressive,q_80,w_636/17orjw4vxy3q9png.png)
-
A grandad with a catheter has his first go on Wii Sports.
Just outside Basingstoke, a spider with five legs gets scared by a crow, and falls arse over tit into an oil derrick.
Seconds
after getting home from a hellish Tuesday, a hard working man is
deconstructed by his wife in front of their four year old twins. He
hasn't even taken his Hush Puppies off yet.
-
An old man pays for his paper and tries to start a friendly
conversation with a young cashier at the local corner shop. She ignores
him and puts his change on the counter.
-
A woman in her forties imagines beating her father-in-law to death as she listens to Nickelback.
-
A Genesis fan in orthopaedic shoes takes up voluntary work in a soup
kitchen, for the sole purpose of meeting hot homeless ladies.
-
A woman in her forties imagines beating her father-in-law to death as she listens to Nickelback.
Fucking hell, Cerys. You always have to take it too far, don't you?
-
Desolation:
A balding man in ill-fitting suit eating a dessert in a deserted, cheap diner. His eyes briefly meet mine and I understand.
I
saw the same man tonight in the bookies next door to this eatery. He
was the sole client in there, sitting slumped on a stool seemingly
emptying his life into one of the nebulous fruit machines they have in
there for the hopeless.
...His eyes briefly met mine and I understood.
-
The Chinese state requisition an old man's smallholding for the
purposes of an infrastructure project that never gets off the ground.
-
http://www.theguardian.com/us-news/2015/feb/15/lawyer-missouri-fake-kidnap-plan-six-year-old-boy
(http://www.theguardian.com/us-news/2015/feb/15/lawyer-missouri-fake-kidnap-plan-six-year-old-boy)
“The intent here,” said James, “was to do something that would truly make the young child very leery about just talking to any strange man who happened to come along.”
-
Fucking hell, Cerys. You always have to take it too far, don't you?
It's a true story. I know this, for I am that woman.
And I like Nickelback
-
The craft orbits Mars indefinitely. Three of the four crew members are dead.
-
"CHIPS! GIVE ME CHIPS!"
He's been there for an hour. The man -
40 years widowed - shouts repeatedly through the grease-pained window
of the local chip shop (but not his local).
He never steps inside.
-
It's mid-November, and 'legend in his own lunchtime,' Davey Watts of
Salford, sits in a darkened living room watching 'Bass Fishing with
Steve Davis' on some awful Standard Definition Freeview channel. As he
devours the last of the easter chocolate, a drunken man in a flat cap
shouts 'I know you're in there Tommy Braithwaite, you fuckin'
shitbeetle!' through his letterbox. He's got the wrong house.
-
The clock strikes none.
-
She's old, she's weeping, she forgot to buy milk.
-
your best man arranges your stag do
which he will insist on you having
and he will invite like
eight welsh oiks
like rugby players
in printed t shirts
and you'll all be going to a really expensive, really shit greek island
to listen to house music and take them pills that kill you if you overdose slightly
the one that bloke in manchester died of
and then he'll get a scabby trafficked lady to dance for you
in her pants
but that's only the first day
on the second day you'll be like
waking up at noon really hungover and depressed and lonely
sat in an english style fish and chips shop in the sun
and you'll get up to go and do a nasty hungover poo in the substandard continental bathroom
and
you'll be waiting outside the one cubicle in the tiny bathroom with the
weird slanty floor and bright red walls with black skirting boards why
always that huh
and after a while you'll get suspicious
and realise there's nobody behind the locked door
so you give it a big push
and inside the big pipe that goes to the cistern
all you can hear is a muffled chirping sound
chirp chirp
chirp chirp
oh my god
there's a little bird in there
how can you get it out
and the door closes to on the cubicle
and it's wedged against the weird slanty tiles
and it reaches all the way down to the floor
you can't get out either
and for nine hours you have to listen to the bird chirping
more and more weakly
until finally it stops
and there's silence
and the smell of piss
and the little trickling sound the cistern makes when you don't use it
and occasionally the urinal trough thing flushing itself
then after a few hours
you hear footsteps
and a knock on the cubicle door
are you alright in there?
we've been wondering where you've been
me and the rugby lads
you missed the big game
the leicester irish vs. the rugby lions
and you are shivering and hungry
you go ughgh so cold so cold
the bird the bird
what happened to the bird
what bird?
the bird in the pipe
he goes but
that bird in the pipe died
ten years ago this very night
there's no bird in the pipe no more
and you start to weep
so he goes
no really
there's no pipe bird
and he gives the pipe a big kick
and starts to unscrew it
and something about the water pressure makes the pipe fill up with water
and it's all coming to the top
bits of turds and wet knots of toilet paper and stuff
all flowing to the top
and then a big bubble
and after the big bubble
there's a horrible like
tangle of wet hair like you get in plug holes
and he goes
see, here's your bird
it's just a big tangle of pubes
and you go
phew
better take it out so i can have a big poo
and you tug on the hair
and out
of the pipe
twisting round by the clump of hair you grip in your shitty fingers
is the severed head
of your ex girlfriend
and then the walls collapse down
and the curtain rises
and the audience looks on aghast
and the band in the orchestra pit stop tuning their instruments
and there's a pause
and the band leader goes
ah-1-2-3-4
doo dee dee doo doo doo
and in a noel coward 40s style big band croon:
i got high last night
on LSD
my mind was beautiful
and i was free
and as the song comes to a close
with chorus lines of pirouettiing french bints behind you
streamers and balloons fall from the ceiling
and your old supermarket colleagues come on to give you a bunch of flowers
and they all go
HAPPY STAG WEEKEND 1935
and entomb you in a big toilet pipe
in your hotel room
-
In Jaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaam
-
http://www.itv.com/news/2015-02-15/abandoned-dog-found-crying-at-train-station/
(http://news.images.itv.com/image/file/595181/stream_img.jpg)
They wiped nearly all of the spunk off his face before they abandoned him.
-
A rheumy eyed pensioner watches TV everyday, but can only see vague,
amorphous shapes swimming about aimlessly. The tinny, full volume sound
is his only companion.
An excited puppy races towards a
potential playmate. The playmate in question is a terrified little girl
who was attacked by a dog mere months before. She screams and steps
behind her overly protective and currently enraged father. He delivers
the dog a killing blow to the head with his brogued foot. The owner of
the puppy cannot form a response as the man and daughter walk on towards
the exit of the park. The little girl looks back at the drama
unfolding with a massive smirk on her face.
A bald man sits alone
in a pub, he fully opens his packet of ready salted McCoys, exposing
the contents to the acrid, smoke filled room as if to share. He eats the
whole bag to himself, the same as always.
-
A twenty-four year old 'sex enthusiast' from Wales eats one of his girlfriend's freshly plucked pubic hairs for a dare.
-
That's Entertainment.
-
A fed up mother of three puts on a suspiciously fuzzy, 'borrowed'
copy of Disney's 'Frozen' for her hyperactive offspring. Halfway through
'Let It Go,' a Polish man stands up to go for a piss.
A factory worker stands on a flyover outside Walsall, filming his mate hurl a mince pie at a bus full of disabled pensioners.
In 2015, Leroy from 'Fame' buys a second hand cagoul from a grotty man he met in an Arcade.
-
''I am like a broken puppet whose eyes have fallen inside.'' This
remark of a mental patient weighs more heavily than a whole stack of
works of introspection.
-
A broken puppet whose ears have fallen off curses his luck for not
being sufficiently poetic enough to be a metaphor for abject human
despair.
-
Watching the same Jeremy Kyle episode twice and not caring.
-
Watching the same Jeremy Kyle episode twice once and not caring.
-
Now old, obese and secretly bald, a former radio DJ groupie chokes
on a pen top while going through a draft of her autobiography: Jimmy, Dave and The Rest - My Life Under The Stars.
-
A fat man called Roy clogs up the one and only functioning portaloo
of an village fete, with a brown trout summoned from the bowels of hell.
Children scream, mothers gasp, dads laugh, and dozens of photos later
appear on Instagram.
A memorial tree planted in 1997 for a leukemia victim is blown over in a thunderstorm and has to be chopped up at the scene.
A lovely man with only half a jaw struggles to eat a Blue Riband.
-
A Muse fan shudders with excitement at the thought of going on a Ghost Train.
A former member of The Belle Stars has her housing benefit payments reduced. She reaches for a roll up in despair.
A man with no chin makes a 'hot beef drink' using only half an Oxo cube.
-
Terry Wogan's Product Recall
-
Approaching 11pm in a Tesco Express car park, a 43yr old man with
herpes does a wheelspin in a 2002 VW Passat TDi, in a bid to impress a
shaven-headed gran in a miniskirt.
-
Approaching 11pm in a Tesco Express car park, a 43yr old man with herpes does a wheelspin in a 2002 VW Passat TDi, in a bid to impress a shaven-headed gran in a miniskirt.
Desolate enough
-
A man punches the first bumble bee of the year to death.
-
A full time carer spends the time between spoon-feeding his wife and
changing her soiled clothing, watching Series 7 and 8 of Red Dwarf and
stuffing his face with flumps.
-
A balding teenager develops a crush for Brett Anderson of Suede.
Brett Anderson walks down Derby High Street hoping for some form of recognition. It does not come.
An
obese chip shop owner in Belper has his teeth wired on health
grounds. He liquidises saveloys and chips and drinks them with a
straw.
-
A toddler from Greenock is taught how to say "Paki bastards".
A suicidal woman doesn't jump and instead goes home, smothers her 3 children and spends the rest of her life prison.
A budgie escapes its cage and lands in a chip pan full of Bernard Mathews Turkey Sausages.
-
Wtf is this a fucking piss take?
http://www.interesticle.com/celebs/8-celebs-that-pay-too-much-on-car-insurance/?utm_source=taboola&utm_medium=northcliffe-nottinghampost
-
A man with a degree in engineering, re-creates 1970s Yorkshire on Minecraft and pretends to be Peter Sutcliffe.
A devoted traction engine enthusiast gives himself a blowie with a Henry Hoover.
A pair of conjoined twins sit through a marathan afternoon of Doug McClure films.
-
A creative writing student talks in a superior manner to a pensioner in Londis.
A fausty smelling hippy and a self righteous UKIP voter have an argument over runner beans.
Two men come to blows over which decade was the best for ingrown toenail removal, the 50's or the 60's.
A child in a bobble hat laughs as a cat is run down by a mobility scooter.
The film Rita Sue and Bob too gets a Hollywood makeover.
-
A 458 year old clam dies in a modern laboratory.
-
His wife died a few hours ago.
So he went to the bookies.
-
Some Celts bet on Eastenders and lose. They consider trying to
reclaim the money based on a flimsy argument but decide it isn't worth
the trouble.
-
A man cuts out the pockets of his stonewashed jeans, for the purpose
of having stealth wanks during Port Vale games in the 1980s.
-
http://www.wikifeet.com/
-
Egged on by his mates, a student in Rhyll shits in a crisp packet and throws it at a Poundland window.
A tramp falls into a weir and is ignored by a nearby businessman eating a Greggs sausage roll.
A circus clown smokes crack seconds before bounding into the ring to perform to 14 people.
-
'Carry On' film mainstay Charles Hawtrey dies, and only 9 people go to his funeral.
An elderly lady utters the word 'Chinkie' really loudly in an Oriental Art Gallery.
A closet paedophile reaches a post count of 24,794 on a Chicory Tip fan forum.
-
A man who was once in China Crisis is browsing his local HMV when
suddenly "King In A Catholic Style" comes on over the speakers. He
thinks back to the good old days when he was on Top Of The Pops
performing the song. How he loved it, the fame, the money. He closes his
eyes, losing himself in the moment..."What's this piece of shit i can
hear" a young girl says to her friend behind him. "Dunno" says her
friend, "but it ain't half wank". The two girls giggle to themselves and
walk on. The man looks at one of his old band's CD with a tear in his
eye, "if only i could go back" he thinks to himself as he heads out of
HMV to the local Jobcentre...
-
An elderly lady is murdered in an Oriental Art Gallery, but due to
the thematics of the exhibition, isn't swept up for three days.
-
This gallery of british hen nights on popular snaffle pic site
ImageFap struck me as a bit desolate. You can almost smell the stale
cider and fags in the air
I love the artful shot of a bloke enjoying a kebab as (possibly) his wife or girlfriend lays in the garbage behind him
(Site is very NSFW)
http://beta.imagefap.com/pictures/5173587/Hen-nights-UK...when-sluts-come-out-to-play%21
-
A 17 year old student painstakingly crafts a replica dalek out of
macaroni in a bid to impress a female classmate. The day before the
grand unveiling, he overhears her tell her friend that Doctor Who is for
kids and gays.
-
On a steamy, shitty Shrove Tuesday in Ruislip, a loose drain cover
succeeds only getting winded when attempting to toss itself,
pancake-like.
-
An arctic roll at the bottom of a chest freezer in an old man's garage, lies unnoticed and forgotten forever.
A bong-eyed fairground assistant buys 'The Lenny Henry Show' on VHS for 3p in Scope.
A man stands naked in front of a mirror, eating soup..
-
An idiot boy attempts to open a tin of shoplifted spam in the rear seat of an abandoned Datsun cherry.
A 14 year old 'maths geek' models his clothing on that of 'Tinker' from Lovejoy.
A man suffering a mid life crisis makes chainsaw noises as he cuts through his veins with a rusty penknife.
The
heat from the central heating brings a Red Admiral butterfly out of
hibernation in a house where a documentary on Myra Hindley is being
watched on YouTube.
A kindly lady escorts an old man home after a
community centre based meal for oldies. After seeing him through his
front door safely the lady is then asked, 'how much for half an hour,
darling?"
-
A lapsed Catholic with Bell's Palsy takes a break from an 'On The Buses' marathon to make a runny omelette.
A
man with a face like a melted welly struggles to put a heavy bag of
gravel in the boot of his Nissan Almera. The bottom falls out, covering
his brothel creepers in filthy aggregate.
A group of builders
unearth an old Victorian cemetery whilst constructing a new Aldi. They
shovel the bones into a pickup and dump them in a quarry, saving weeks
of red tape and archeology.
A Sky chugger with a chinstrap beard
and Topman suit addresses a 94 yr old war veteran as 'bro' outside a
closed branch of Netto.
-
This
gallery of british hen nights on popular snaffle pic site ImageFap
struck me as a bit desolate. You can almost smell the stale cider and
fags in the air
I love the artful shot of a bloke enjoying a kebab as (possibly) his wife or girlfriend lays in the garbage behind him
(Site is very NSFW)
http://beta.imagefap.com/pictures/5173587/Hen-nights-UK...when-sluts-come-out-to-play%21
(http://fap.to/images/full/53/845/845183437.jpeg)
A
chronically depressed sea side sweet shop owner is forced to the
realisation that the only customers keeping his heavily debted business
afloat are hen nights buying sticks of rock as novelty dildos.
-
A Sean Connery impersonator has an allergic reaction to a green olive. He doesn't make it home alive.
A
bus driver ruins the ending of Interstellar for a coach full of brown
level Christopher Nolan fanclub members. He doesn't make it home alive.
A linesman forgets the offside rule in the 61st minute of the world cup final. He makes it home alive, but then kills himself
-
Barry Chuckle turns on the Barrow in Furness Christmas lights on a blustery damp night to a crowd of 2 people.
-
Barry Chuckle turns on the Barrow in Furness Christmas lights on a blustery damp night to a crowd of 2 people.
In June
-
Went for a piss in coral in tooting.
(http://s14.postimg.org/n0ddmw2o0/IMG_20150220_212042557.jpg)
(http://s14.postimg.org/djs5u0874/IMG_20150220_212038811.jpg)
(http://s14.postimg.org/49g1qgxhb/IMG_20150220_212047172.jpg)
-
Les Dennis logs into his almost forgotten Bebo account. An
Amanda Holden profile pic stares back him, he can now see the hate
behind smile.
A recent divorcee pounds the prolapsing arsehole
of a pre-op transexual. He calls out the name of his ex wifes new
boyfriend as he squirts a thin line of weak spunk on the tranny's purple
ass meat.
In cahoots with a 53 year old strumpet from Golden
Wonder, a fat manager at Tudor crisps takes a back hander
and a dirty weekend in Bognor to cease production of their Pickled Onion
crisps.
-
An ageing and outdated professional lookalike nears the edge of novelty relevance.
-
Stanley Victor Collymore posts a Waffen SS propaganda poster on
Twitter, as part of a discussion about Rangers Football Club.
-
A blind man's carer buys him pickled onion monster munch, he won't
know he has been given the wrong flavour until it is too late.
There will be no repercussions.
-
Sitting on the toilet, squinting at the Emmerdale spoilers in a
Christmas edition of the TV Times, a man slaps a palm weakly off his
thigh in a half-hearted attempt to rouse a dead leg. It’s Shrove
Tuesday.
-
Failing lookalike agency has 4 Simon Westons on its books. One of them is Gareth Hale.
-
A worm cuts itself crawling into a can of Dr Pepper.
A friendless boy writes a poem about a canal and then falls in it.
Alan Hansen dons his socks and treads across the carpet to begin another day on the planet.
-
A failed entrepreneur opens a therapy centre for suicidal dogs.
-
Baz a 58 year old club singer is groped by Elsie (90) as he sings a
cover of 24 Hours to Tulsa over a backing tape in a Mablethorpe hotel
function room.
-
A buck-toothed girl in Luxembourg receives frightening verse from a be-quiffed Mancunian asexual.
-
A little child is caught in the crossfire as a turf war between ice cream men escalates.
An evil genie welcomes his new master with folded arms.
A FIFA presidential candidate unveils his new campaign slogan: "Show Fair Play The Red Card".
-
He's worn and slept in the same suit everyday since his wife's funeral 20 years ago. He still pays for online pornography.
-
At a birthday party he was only invited to as an afterthought, an
ugly foster child with Julius Caesar hair, just misses out on the last
Jammy Dodger to a fat, warty bully. Later that day during Pass The
Parcel, he wins......nothing.
-
Some years later he attends a Fresher's party and, during a game of
spin the bottle, ends up snogging the fat warty bully in a darkened
closet. His first and last sexual experience.
-
A member of a comedy forum intentionally misunderstands the post to which he's replying for comedic effect again.
-
An atheists farts the lords prayer in the bath and gets conjuctivitis from the burst bubbles.
A
German porn star fan with a girlfriend called Cleopatra fills up a bath
with his interpretation of 'asses milk' and asks her to join him in the
tub.
Peter Parker checks the house at least three times for rolled up newspapers before he takes a bath.
W.H Audens scrotum after being in the bath too long.
-
An ageing, pale and unloved stepmother utterly consumed with the
ceaseless horror of being alive is suddenly stricken with a calamitous
spell of bowel trouble in Poundstretcher as Ace of Base's 'Life Is A
Flower' pipes cheerily and distortedly through the cheap, dust caked
store speakers.
-
A train carriage full of delegates from the Poundbakery Annual Conference.
-
A troubled shut-in who has never dared to love, continues his
pointless life inside a delapedated, inherited bungalow that overlooks
Coverack
A closeted man in his fifties finally summons the nerve
to come out. He bares his soul in a 30 minute YouTube video and links to
it from his Facebook page. The only comment is someone complaining that
the video was shot in portrait mode.
-
A young man, unravelled, obsessed, and self-loathing, sees a happy
Facebook status and is envious of old classmates he never thought he'd
be envious of. Decades of desolation scenarios lie ahead.
-
The film Birdman, but about an Edinburgh Fringe show literally nobody will see
The film Whiplash, but about a Starbucks employee whose parents are dead
The film American Sniper but about... oh.
-
A British secret intelligence operative receives only a quantum of solace.
-
A thirty-four-year-old phimotic man watches footage of a victim of
piranhas being carried from the water. As the young boy's
fleshless arm seems to reach out for some kind of solace, the man feels
nothing. Later he will masturbate to the thought of the child's
ragged, unoccupied eye socket. He will not know why.
-
A Krautrock fan sits in his tiny front room with the big light on, eating a microwaved Sunday Dinner for one.
On
a Saturday night, somewhere near Lincoln, a tracksuit-wearing family of
five settle down in front of the QVC channel with some Panda Pop and a
big bag of Mint Imperials.
Ed Miliband apologises profusely after sexual intercourse.
-
New Years. Gary Dillon cracks open his eighth can of Tyskie and
sends a flirty reply to the one text he received. It was from Papa
John's.
-
During coitus with a Lithuanian prostitute, a fat, piggy-eyed bank
clerk gets a little bit of sick in his mouth, after smelling the heinous
combination of anus and rubber. In the background, an old episode of
'The Price Is Right' plays away to itself on a tiny old tv.
-
A
thirty-four-year-old phimotic man watches footage of a victim of
piranhas being carried from the water. As the young boy's
fleshless arm seems to reach out for some kind of solace, the man feels
nothing. Later he will masturbate to the thought of the child's
ragged, unoccupied eye socket. He will not know why.
/me drapes a cloth over webcam lens
-
1982, a thailidomide is bullied for joining in with the Joey Deacon impressions.
A racist writes, 'wogs out' on his valuables with an UV pen instead of his postcode.
A Vicar breaks down in the aisles of the Co-Op after seeing hot cross buns for sale on News years Day.
A sandwich board man is arrested for indecent exposure in Sweden.
-
An only child is caught making an eerie Wicker Manesque friend out of jackdaws nests and jackdaws.
On
a malnourished Rotherham allotment and soundtracked by the scudding
roars of a nearby A road, a fat blob of blood-tinged semen slides down a
filthy Perspex shed window, as its owner and eventual expectorator
fails to admire his or her own reflection.
-
Former Blue Peter presenter Peter Duncan scrapes a plaquey deposit
from his lower wisdom teeth with a folded-up Mencap leaflet.
A
Gordon Keeble discovered in an abandoned railway arch, is weighed in for
£117 by a rubber-lipped Islington man who has literally no idea of the
car's rarity or true value.
A handicapped man in a bobble-hat goes round at dusk collecting stray toads in a bumbag.
-
A mixture of empty crisp packets and discarded Seroquel
packaging is swept from under a bed. In lieu of a proper
bin, it is dumped in Primark bags.
-
While reading a piece about a skateboarding otter during a Tuesday
evening news broadcast, Huw Edwards begins to sob uncontrollably and is
unable to stop.
-
In a kitchen with tobacco-stained walls, a former Bullseye
contestant strangles his gay lover to the strains of Michael Bolton's
'Can I Touch You...There?'
-
Stephen Hawking singing a karaoke version of Kenny Rogers ♫Ruby, don't take your love to town♫ to his wife.
-
A passer-by signs a blind man's fundraising petition "FUCK OFF".
-
As a man, alone, reaches orgasm, four words flicker in his mind; 'what could have been.'
-
As a man alone reaches orgasm, four words flicker in his mind: "TUBE STATION TOILETS CLOSED".
-
The ad on craigslist offering £100 for mourners at a dieing man's funeral.
-
As a woman alone reaches orgasm, four words flicker in her mind: "STATION LIFT THIS WAY".
-
A pallid chip shop attendant unsuccessfully masturbates in a sewer.
-
As a man, alone, reaches orgasm, four words flicker in his mind; 'this too shall pass.'
-
A man, alone, reaches orgasm, sombre words come to mind, and he
immediately thinks 'this'll be good for the Desolation thread'.
The thread is already open.
-
As a man, alone, reaches orgasm, four words flicker in his mind; 'et in arcadia ego.'
-
Bit wanky.
-
A man alone reaches out to an online forum during his personal hour
of desolation. The community continue to laugh about sombre wanks.
-
A man, alone, cums, no words cross his mind.
-
Michael Bolton's day to day.
-
A director's new business cards arrive, directing all correspondence to '115 Queegs Row'.
-
A director's new business cards arrive, directing all correspondence to '115 Queegs Row'.
(http://www.reddwarf.co.uk/features/fiction/queeg-500/queeg_8.jpg)
-
Yes I think that might have been what I was getting at.
-
A Ghost Train in Dewsbury features a man wearing an old England
shirt and a Scream mask as it's only attraction. A Poundland version of
'Thriller' plays on a constant loop, at a volume too loud for the human
brain to decipher.
At a works leaving do for pretty receptionist
Louise, everyone gets a kiss on the lips from her, except awkward MotoGP
fan Martin, 47, who gets an 'Awwww.'
A mute loner writes a 782-page Thesis on Terry Nutkins and emails it to a partially-sighted girl in Gaudeloupe.
Don
Warrington is prevented from entering a Rising Damp convention after
failing to produce a valid ticket. None of the other cast members
attend, as they're either dead or unavailable.
-
emails it to a partially-sighted girl in Gaudeloupe.
(http://eil.com/Gallery/448777b.jpg)
-
A buck-toothed girl from Luxembourg believes 'Ask' was written for
her even though she was born in 1993, seven years after it was released.
A border collie licks the cheesy dust from an empty packet of Centra's own-brand cheese puffs before shredding the packet.
-
A twat kicks a wren against a hedge.
A Sheffield Wednesday supporter tries on corduroys.
A disabled teenager has sex with a pond.
A travelodge employee buys a snack from a vending machine.
A bin man does a shit on a curb.
-
A postman does his rounds in a gimp mask for children in need.
An alcholic cider drinker laughs maniacally as he does a live action, Mr Whippy doing a shit, behind some silage.
A portrait photograph of Iain Duncan Smith goes to the bins without the word cunt scrawled across his forehead.
1977, a child sulks because they only have, The old Kent Road in a game of monopoly.
Overly pink meat in a sausage roll.
-
A fifty-three-year-old Dungeon Master weeps as he finds his beloved poodle dead, a D20 lodged in its windpipe.
-
1959. A first year boarding school pupil is caned senseless by Mr
Blenkinsop after playing a bum note during a clarinet recital of The
Lark Ascending. Later that evening, Mr Blenkinsop masturbates furiously -
quite alone - in a secret cupboard.
-
1985. A pair of young siblings have a bitter and tearful argument
over the needlessly complicated rules of a Kelloggs' Snap, Crackle 'N'
Pop card game that their Nan bought them at a boot fair. Brother shoves
sister and storms upstairs. Sister sits crying. Nan looks at the smiling
faces of the breakfast mascots on the cardboard cover of the game and
laments out loud 'It was meant to be fun'.
2015. Gary Dillon
wins £115.35 on the lottery. He immediately buys two wraps of coke to do
by himself and speed walks back to his flat for the longest wank of his
life.
-
Who is this Gary Dillon chap?...
...
....
Wonders a coke drained Gary Dillon
-
A perverted newsagent owner does a full shift naked from the waist down. He remains flaccid throughout.
Two
balding homosexuals buy a Cindy Crawford The Next Challenge Workout VHS
in a Port Glasgow charity shop. They dont have a video player.
A severely handicapped child is born in Runcorn and is treated with indifference until it dies of pneumonia 14 years later.
-
A man walks into a cinema and orders a "large coke no ice" every
single day. He has never seen a film. Eventually he acquires the
sobriquet Large Coke No Ice. Even he doesn't remember his real name.
-
"Don't knock masturbation. It's sex with someone I wish was dead." -
Woody Allen, to himself in the mirror everyday since 1997
-
A man in a Teddy Ruxpin jacket makes a claymation epic about the
failed relationships of his life, set to the music of Joy Division.
-
A bin man pulls up to a retirement home in Leigh to empty the
overflowing bins. Upon throwing one bag into the lorry, he tuts to
himself as it snags, rips open, and spills onto the pavement before him
weeks' worth of cum-filled tissues and a discarded wedding ring.
-
An elderly Dalit woman clasps a reed brush and, down on her
haunches, inefficiently sweeps away the orange diarrhoea of her
pale-skinned betters from streets she is only allowed to enter to 'work'
in.
-
A middle aged man gets a youthful haircut in attempt to woo the 18
year old girl who works at his local Co-Op, to whom he's never spoke to.
Upon stepping out of the barbers he espies her across the street,
hand-in-hand and giggling with a guy the same age as her.
That evening he cuts his hair bald with nail scissors.
-
51 year old Mark from Brockenhurst finds his old leather trousers in a drawer, but can't muster up the courage.
He is film critic Mark Kermode.
-
An abusive father slaps his stepson to the rhythm of 'Oops upside
your head' by the Gap Band. The next day he sends him to school in a
homemade T-shirt reading 'Daddy gave me a whoopin', I deserved it', to
further humiliate the boy.
-
A grandad hums the 'Terry and June' theme in the wrong key whilst attached to a Kidney Dialysis machine.
A quadroplegic in an 'I Ran The World' sweater, is made to drink a can of warm Lilt at a Teddy Bear's Picnic.
Mark Almond smuggles three free samples of Red Leicester out of his local Aldi. Today, he can eat.
-
A knocker-hungry net nerd in Michigan faps himself silly to R-Kelly videos in his grandparents' basement.
-
A dog can't be arsed to raise the alarm to its 80 year old owner
when a burglar breaks in and steals a fake antique clock from the
mantelpiece. It lies back down in its basket.
-
An owl gets its head stuck in a replica Devo hat and starves to death.
-
A depressed pig waits patiently and alone at the gates for the truck to come and take it to the slaughterhouse.
-
The confused.com robot wins a contract to be the lead in the forthcoming Metal Mickey Reboot.
-
A former weatherman plays chess with himself - and loses. Shortly after, he wishes he'd interfered with minors in the 70s.
-
A man alone cums. The woman is to polite to express her disappointment.
-
A free magazine with The Daily Star puts 'Police Academy' higher than 'The Godfather' in a list of all-time classic films.
A
weary Aunt, sick of having to accommodate her glucose-intolerant
niece's special dietary requirements, finally snaps and tells the
bewildered girl old to 'man the fuck up' during her 7th birthday party.
-
Agatha buys a boxset of all the Carry On films with her pension money. They're not as funny as she remembers.
-
A promo shot of Paul Ross just before the exposé reveals a darkness hitherto unknown by man, somewhat heightened by the leafy surrounds.
(http://i62.tinypic.com/332z1hl.png)
A Paul Ross lookalike kills himself out of sympathy.
-
A man accidentally a word in a forum post.
It is too late to modify.
-
A fag-breathed man goes to his niece's fancy dress party dressed as Jimmy Saville.
He doesn't read the news.
-
An out-of-touch dad in a beige polo shirt laughs at a funny cat 'mee-mee' his daughter sent him.
A
single woman, the wrong side of 30, treats herself to a Cookie Monster
backpack and a Dream-Catcher. Her parents keep asking her when there'll
be grandchildren.
-
An ice cream man sits on an overcast Ramsgate seafront watching a
group of old folk approach his van. He turns on his music - Bizarre
Inc's Playing with Knives. They stop for a look at the pictures in the
window then carry on walking.
-
On UN Aid Parcel day, a crowd of Malawian villagers are showered with used tampons and urine.
-
A poverty-stricken pensioner throttles her budgerigar after she runs
out of cat food. The cat sniffs at the sad little bundle of
feathers before turning away and disappearing through the catflap, never
to return.
-
A man phones his local swimming baths to ask on what specific days
the children from the disabled school are scheduled to visit. In the
long pause that follows his question he sucks on a biro, coating it in a
thick, opaque mucus.
Fascinated, thrilled, a boy uses a stick to
poke the squashed carcus of a runover badger. He walks home and is told
his mother has just been killed in a workplace shooting. That night,
too wired to sleep, he has his first ever wank.
-
A young woman learns Marathi for her arranged husband to be, but her parent's dowry is too small.
-
A Kabaddi fan tries to bring the sport up in all of the few
conversations he has. No one knows it or is remotely interested.
A guinea pig is tormented with a Vax hose extension. It doesnt survive the night.
A spinster treats herself to a Vienetta. She vomits up blood later that evening.
-
A man grieving the loss of his recently deceased wife momentarily
forgets his anguish as he accepts a length from a drunk soldier.
-
A man makes an excellent reference to kabaddi and how it affects
another man's descent into desolation. He receives no reward in karma as
his numbers are significant to the esoteric mindset of the one that
appreciated it.
-
They altered me with a Stanley knife, sing-songs a shredded little boy, to his flat-batteried robot friend
-
A Kabaddi fan tries to bring the sport up in all of the few conversations he has. No one knows it or is remotely interested.
Me, yesterday, funnily enough
-
(http://i61.tinypic.com/1z7jvs.png)
-
It's because the post box never called him back isn't it?
-
You had me at Wigan.
-
I clicked on it, and Facebook presented me with a scrolling banner
of status updates related to the story. Lot of puns. A human's life. I
felt very sad. Desolation plus.
-
What puns? We must have the puns.
-
Some crowbarred mentions of 'quick delivery' and 'first class'. I don't remember. A Tim Vine hell.
-
Not even 'Return To Sender'? Facebook really is wank.
-
I think there was a 'return to sender' one in there, though possibly
rendered void as a pun by the inclusion of a 'lol' or exclamation mark.
Anyway, back to desolation scenarios. A pun about a dead man is rendered void by the inclusion of a 'lol'.
-
A sensei of great renown struggles to open a pre-packaged sandwich.
-
A hungover and badly combed git tries to haggle down the price of an 80s sports jacket in Scope.
-
A haggard old bastard stands with his pants round his ankles at a Basingstoke glory hole, like a lesser Paul Ross.
-
The unparrelled horror of a five year old at his birthday party
about to have the clown pour a bucket of ice cold water over him, he
cringes down, tears standing in his eyes, the sound of his friends
laughter ringing in his ears so loud they hurt. A moment passes.
Another. Then another. He forces his eyes open to see the twisted
laughing faces of his friends and family as the confetti and glitter
rains down around him. This leads to a decade of deep dark depression
and mistrust of his friends and family.
And that child was me.
-
A dermatologist on his stag night is unable to ignore the obvious
stage two melanoma on the stripper's back. As he tries to approach the
stripper to tell her he is mistaken for a sex pervert and receives a
drubbing from the bouncers.
-
A man with an unreasonable three year old decides to book an air
ticket to Europe from North America. The flights of 50 innocent people
are ruined. The man is wholly unconcerned.
-
Some time after masturbating alone in his bedroom, he goes to the
local Tesco Metro to buy biscuits and cheap cola. "Next please" calls
the pretty girl at the till. He walks over.
His heart turns to
lead as he reaches for his money and realises he forgot to wash his
hands before coming out. He makes eye contact with her.
-
November 1963, Secret Service Agent Lee Harvey Oswald, based deep
undercover on the 5th Floor of the Dal Tex Building, spots two
suspicious men on a nearby grassy knoll, aiming a gun at President
Kennedy.
- He picks up his rifle, aims it toward them, and dreams of being an American hero.
-
Every single last item of mail posted with a special edition
Margaret Thatcher stamp is delivered smoothly and promptly to the
correct address.
-
A 66 year old retired shopkeeper from Chipping Norton dedicates
upwards of nine hours a day to changing every instance of American
spelling he comes across on Wikipedia to the correct British. In his
socks and pants.
-
After spending 20 years alone, John falls in love with his pretty,
'lovely', long-time associate Claire. She blithely rejects him with
something half-arsed she makes up on the fly while he is earnestly
pouring his heart out to her.
He texts her 4 times. No replies.
She does not accept his Friend Request.
-
Rather than getting up and having a bath an overweight woman with
malodorous folds finds an on-line support community that fights 'Odour
shamers' and those with 'Scent privilege'. #BOdyPositive
-
Alan tries to get traveller's cheques, even though he's only going
to Scotland. The lady behind the till at the bank suppresses a laugh.
That night he hangs himself.
-
Two different types of serious illness force Laurel and Hardy impersonators to switch roles.
A
cuckolded man curled up on a downstairs sofa is soothed by the
overpowering noise of an annoying car alarm. Maybe they just went
straight to sleep tonight.
Meanwhile, the lead singer of a Bluetones tribute band shits himself just before a gig in Dartford.
-
Empty tube of Canesten discarded on the ground of a strip-pub car park.
-
A confused woman names her first child Squab
-
A man recognises his daughter in a porn film, and briefly considers stopping. Ultimately he doesn't.
-
His daughter has been reported missing for over a year.
-
George Lucas comes home to find that bitter intruders have irreparably altered the interior of his house.
-
"Did ya stay at Jamie's last night?", asks 27 year old Sandra. "Yeah" her 14 year old daughter replies.
"What did yas do?"
"We got drunk an' did it"
"How was it?"
"It were all right but he were like chokin' an' punchin' me"
"Oh most lads like that it's normal".
-
A time-traveller (26) rapes himself (14) in an alley behind Woolworths.
-
A time-traveller (26) rapes himself (14) in an alley behind Woolworths Fine Fare.
-
You're in a dingy nightclub at 1:43am, dancing alone on a sticky
dancefloor to a shitty remix of the latest Ed Sheerin song. In your
peripheral vision, you make out a sweaty, middle-aged man with an
unfeasibly large head, making a beeline in your direction. There is a
huge rictus grin on his face.
-
Neville the snail decides he's had enough and slowly crawls his way
onto the tracks awaiting the 13:33 to Heathrow. The trains delayed by 47
minutes.
Neville gives up and goes and eats some trackside weeds.
-
He's scrambling around the dirty flat for money. Anything for his
Frosty Jacks. Bills need paying, but he'd prefer Frosty Jacks. Behind
the sofa; no luck. Toffee jar; no luck either. Then, a pair of old and
filthy Hawaiian shorts, he rummages through the pockets, and feels at
least three well-sized coins between the dusty fabric. His heart leaps.
He takes them out, he looks.
They're Euros.
Left and
forgotten about since his trip to Magaluf the previous summer where he
had a very loud and very public breakup with his girlfriend outside a
kebab shop.
-
You're
in a dingy nightclub at 1:43am, dancing alone on a sticky dancefloor to
a shitty remix of the latest Ed Sheerin song. In your peripheral
vision, you make out a sweaty, middle-aged man with an unfeasibly large
head, making a beeline in your direction. There is a huge rictus grin on
his face.
(http://www.nicksflickpicks.com/InlandEmpireScream1.jpg)
-
At 41, it suddenly dawns on Emily that the mantra 'It's what's
inside that counts' was, in fact, total bullshit, fed to her by
well-meaning idiots. She's wasted her time. She feeds her 17 cats.
-
Four wire haired harlots from Hull wait in line at a 3am kabob shop
in Benidorm. Their undignified screeching attrscts the attention
of a well versed Algerian sex pest. He coaxes one up an alley,
before he can say or do anything she reaches down and whips out a
heavily soiled fanny pad. Shit, blood and discharge appear
as a vile black cancer in the dim alley light. She pushes his bald
rapey head towards the mire and tries to hold in a fart,
unsuccessfully.
A peacock is chased and savaged by a Jack Russel
called Bongo, the owner stifles a laugh as the stricken birds
falls down a steep embankment.
A Godzilla fan calls his goldfish Godzuki and cant stop congratulating himself for a number of weeks.
-
A man is sorting through his late mother's house as he prepares to
sell it after her funeral. He opens the locked wardrobe in her bedroom
to find a wad of cash stuffed into the top pocket of a blouse. He smiles
as he spies an old suitcase lying at the bottom of the wardrobe. He
opens it with ease to find a bunch of old sheets inside. Then he sees
it, the mummified corpse of a baby hidden inside the sheets. Wrapped
with the baby is a note written in his mother's handwriting.
"You will always be my favourite. God Bless"
All
these years he'd wished to have a brother or sister to help him through
his lonely childhood... and there they had been all along in the
wardrobe. He holds the baby corpse in his arms as the tears form in his
eyes....
-
A man is on his third date with a woman he really likes. He asks the
tattooed waitress about the craft beer selection, but as she's rattling
off names like Satan's Grog and Screaming Vengeance IPA, all the man
can think about is how to broach the subject of his increasingly itchy
glans before the braised ribs arrive.
-
A ne'er-do-well in Dundee forwards a Snapchat photo of his fat dong to a pensioner in Devon.
-
A pensioner in Devon feels his years more than ever as his
granddaughter tries to explain to him all the Apps - such as Snapchat -
on his newly acquired smartphone.
-
In desperation a lonely virgin reluctantly follows Dapper Laughs
dating advice and tells a female colleague to 'get yer gash out',
thereby ruining their tentative yet blossoming relationship.
-
A Policeman banged his fist hard on the front door of the missing
man. He had talked to the man's neighbours and they had told him that
the man hadn't been seen for days and they were worried. One neighbour
had tipped him off that there was a spare key under the plant pot by the
front door, so the Policeman had found that and decided to let himself
in.
As soon as he entered the house he could smell that awful
stench...something was dead inside. He slowly moved from room to room to
see what was the cause of the smell. Finally he entered the front
bedroom and saw it. The missing man's decomposing body hanging by a rope
from the ceiling fan. The man had clearly been dead for awhile. The
Policeman noticed something on the floor under the dead man's corpse, it
was a note. Written in big letters were just 5 words. "I was never her
favourite".
"What an awful scene" thought the policeman to
himself..it was then that he saw something wrapped in some old sheets on
the bed...
-
An alabaster retard finds a human tooth in some Hubba Bubba.
-
A prescribed medicated robs a man of his appetite, but he still
forces himself to eat a McMuffin and hash brown because he is addicted
to eating bad food to try to feel better about himself, although it
stopped being enjoyable some time in 2003.
-
A nascent cuckold builds a cocoon out of cuckoo semen.
-
A server at Wetherspoons is asked by a bored middle-aged man sitting
at the bar what his plans in life are. The barman explains that he has a
degree in fine art and would love to one day make a career of it. The
man laughs, says 'a fat lot of good that degree will do you' and shares
the story with the other aged alcoholics. The barman is thereafter
ridiculed and referred to as 'bartist' until he finally resigns, but
after 9 months' unemployment is forced to return to his old job.
A
coastal pitch 'n' putt, and a golfer's mishit approach heads into the
path of a gull. The gull squawks and falls to the ground, spasming
uncontrollably. She'll be eaten alive by crabs while her chicks starve.
The man jokes that he 'scored a birdie', and takes a mulligan.
-
A depressed student uses the last of his pocket change to buy a chip
barm/butty/teacake/patty from the local chippy. He eats all the loose
chips first. He gets to the bread.
It's stale.
True story.
-
Isn't the point that the grease, butter and 'slather' softens the bread, turning it into 'edible' pulp yeast mattertm?
-
Not in this case. Plus these particular chips are the least greasy
chips I've had from any chippy. They're mostly potato, would you
believe.
-
An old man weeps at the grave of his wife.
He was never married.
-
It's not even a grave. He's outside a wooden palette factory, crying unto some plastic tarpaulin flapping in the wind.
The
workers feel sorry for him, but they don't know what to do, they decide
it's best to leave him there over the weekend. See if he's still there
monday morning, in which case they'll chase him off with some planks.
-
A man flounces from an internet forum, only to return almost immediately, where he heads straight for the Desolation thread.
-
Not
in this case. Plus these particular chips are the least greasy chips
I've had from any chippy. They're mostly potato, would you believe.
Missed the point then haven't they? Dickheads.
-
A tramp wipes his bell-end over some twigs and eats them from a discarded scampi Nik Nak bag.
-
In a forthcoming reboot of a popular franchise, Idris Elba is cast
in the role of an instantly recognisable British institute.
-Frank Spencer.
A tenor loses a tenner during a ten-year tenure in Tenerife.
The moon weeps for mankind in a secret room.
-
Some Motherfuckers Do 'Ave 'Em
-
A ghost emerges in a remote abandoned cottage. After a single night
of pointless haunting it realises it was never alive in the first place
and vanishes forever.
-
Five men in their mid thirties have a loud discussion on a Tube
carriage about last years' trip to Las Vegas. They recount some drunken
exploits and how they had to smoke cigarettes in their hotel room up
against the air conditioning unit to avoid the walk to a designated
smoking area. Talk soon turns to this year's planned lads holiday.
"Dave", who is not present with the group today, apparently has all his
spending money together already. This is despite the holiday being
several months away, and the revelation causes both surprise and
admiration within the group.
-
Tonight's winners at the Brits:
Ed Sheeran - 2
Royal Blood - 1
Taylor Swift - 1
Paloma Faith - 1
Sam Smith - 2
Pharell Williams - 1
Mark Ronson - 1
Foo Fighters - 1
No Direction - 1
-
Tonight's winners at the Brits:
Ed Sheeran - 2
Royal Blood - 1
Taylor Swift - 1
Paloma Faith - 1
Sam Smith - 2
Pharell Williams - 1
Mark Ronson - 1
Foo Fighters - 1
No Direction - 1
Christ,
I've only heard of Ed Sheeran, Taylor Swift, Mark Ronson, Foo Fighters
and One Direction. I'm only 24! I feel I should know exactly who all of
the above are.
-
A half wit goes into anaphylaxis to impress his moped riding mates.
Swatting
an insect to show his intellectual superiority Maurice goes back to
nearly completing the 'Take a Break' crossword in the Doctor's surgery.
With the help of a box of Tampons and some water Gerald spends his days alternating between impressions of Stalin and Hitler.
Some
misplaced anger over the discontinuation of a particular type of
biscuit ends in a police inquiry line being placed in the local
newspaper.
-
9am. A nice old lady staying at her son's house for the week has a
faltering yet polite conversation with her teenage grandson and his
girlfriend on the upstairs landing. They discuss last nights
'Broadchurch' and how it just isn't as good this year. She makes her way
downstairs for breakfast on the patio. The sky is clear and there's a
hint of an early Spring. Shortly she will go to wash her hands and see
'FUCK OFF NAN' written in the condensation on the bathroom mirror.
Three doors down a lovelorn man on the brink of alcoholism shuts his bedroom door so his cat can't see him drinking.
Whilst
outside a bee attempts to pollinate a plastic flower in front of its
mates. It flies waveringly away from their jeers, directionless, out
into raw nowhere.
-
A 35 year old man with a full head of terminally ugly hair heads to
the cash-and-carry to buy 12 boxes of Roysters crisps in bulk for his
own personal use. He will finish ten of the boxes that night.
A graduate is offered a job in the postroom of the admin offices for the company that manufactures anti-homeless spikes.
-
A man lies in bed wanking furiously to Katie Hopkins appearing on
Loose Women. In the seconds right before climax a spring bursts through
his mattress, scraping him all across the arse. Months later, he wishes
he had died of tetanus.
-
A kestrel has a stroke and falls head first into a thresher.
-
A spastic man, wearing a Miami Dolphins baseball cap with a
propellor on top, writes a love letter to his dad's Citroen Xantia.
In
a filthy Dagenham bedsit, a bearded man with a Phd and grown-up
children, is the willing recipient of a ferocious donkey-punch from an
unemployed welder called Keith.
-
A recently widowed ex signalman with an unfeasible goitre attempts to knit himself a friend.
-
A young man comes out to his father. His father makes a move on him.
-
A walrus-looking man realises that life IS like a box of chocolates. A really shit one from Poundland.
Midge
Ure forgets the opening verse to Vienna at a free Radio Bristol
roadshow. Everyone laughs at him. Later that night, he weeps into a
shoebox.
A man with an irrational fear of liquorice is labelled a 'chalkie' by some wannabe gangsters outside a Nottingham kebab shop.
-
A terrified spider spends a night attempting evolve into a form more
pleasing to the owner of the bathroom, before giving up and gnawing off
its own legs.
-
A cleaner returns home to be beaten up by his abusive spaniel.
An
ex-nun turned mature student is sat in a lecture theatre between her
new young friends. As one of them goes down to fetch a set of handouts,
the other dares her to draw a 'fat cock' on the next page of her
notepad. The mature student chuckles nervously and, having never seen a
penis, draws something vaguely resembling a dumbbell. The friend frowns,
and doesn't sit with her again.
Both in Middlesbrough.
-
A depressed struggling actor decides to go to therapy:
"Would you say you were bullied as a child?"
"Umm...
not really. Well... some people might. I sort of think it's impossible
to bully someone who likes fighting though isn't it? I mean when you
don't have any friends that's the closest thing you get to having fun
with others."
That night he pays a prostitute £300 to let him cum on her ankle.
-
A single mum tries to entertain a charming man she met on
eHarmony, whilst her disabled son loudly impersonates the mating
call of an elephant seal in an adjoining bedroom.
-
A 16 year old boy from Sheboygan, Wisconsin spends ages searching
all the torrent sites for a high definition copy of a recently released
blockbuster. After many false leads, several crappy camrips, and a few 0
seeds, he finally finds what he's looking for just as he was about to
give up and downloads the file. Having double checked the duration and
resolution, he connects his laptop to his television and finally sits
down to the enjoy the film.
The audio is slightly out of sync.
-
An old man is silently masturbating into his toilet.
It's
been a long, long time since that particular mast has a raised any sort
of flag, his wife long dead and dry.... But now the troops are
displaying all their finery, the diplomacy is over and it's time for the
artillery. The war may be over, but this little champion has a some
life left in him yet. It may not be the most glorious of cavalry
charges, but by all that is good in this world and God willing, he'll
get it done.
His ruffled foreskin chafed across his dome, a glint
of sunlight reflecting from the sour surface of his urethral orifice.
Japan. A lifetime ago. A bayonet.
He shook that thought from his
head and concentrated on the hot stuff. Doris Day with her perk white
teeth and tits. Verya Lynn with her soft, hot gob and delicious curls.
Oh yes, you can't make me build a railway through the jungle. Oh no you
can't.
He swang his trouser meat unto the bog roll, knocking
them off the porcelain with naught more than a tuff and a defiant,
frenzied giggle. The distant sound of artillery, the boom, doom, boom of
his ticker. A distant calling of pleasure. Warm heat. Jungle heat.
Churchill would be proud.
The Nazi's. He'd killed a man with a
shovel, but again he shook that thought away with a grasp of his exposed
bollocks. Fuck you Hitler, you can't deny me this moment. I'm going to
liberate my balls.
And so he did. V day. Flags were waving,
white sticky flags.... A white hot victory. A huge stinking puddle of
public victory...
He saluted himself.
But no, it wasn't
his bathroom, it was the toilet display section of B&Q and there's
an old man saluting himself with his bollocks and cock out.. Many had
watched him do it. Many had even felt a tinge of pride for the old man,
but most were happy he was now being seen to by the filth. A friendly
copper took the hook of his arm. C'mon sir. You're alright now. Yes
that's right put it away. That's right yes. Let's have a cup of tea at
the station. C'mon, no don't touch my arm, we'll need to get you washed.
C'mon off you pop.
New page cuntoid.
-
A whisk reaches the end of its natural lifespan.
-
A
16 year old boy from Sheboygan, Wisconsin spends ages searching all the
torrent sites for a high definition copy of a recently released
blockbuster. After many false leads, several crappy camrips, and a few 0
seeds, he finally finds what he's looking for just as he was about to
give up and downloads the file. Having double checked the duration and
resolution, he connects his laptop to his television and finally sits
down to the enjoy the film.
The audio is slightly out of sync.
He
perseveres, and finds himself not only enjoying the film, but
experiencing something of an epiphany and, touched by the magic of
storytelling, vows to become a celebrated film director. Over the course
of the next two weeks, he buys a cheap digital video camera from a pawn
shop and begins filming scenes with his friends around Sheboygan on the
weekends. Every day after school, he goes straight to the library,
poring over autobiographies by the likes of Robert Altman and David
Lynch. Through the library's threadbare collection of ancient
photography manuals, he discovers a natural aptitude for composition and
lighting.
Two months pass. As the young man sits in his bedroom
of his family's duplex, approaching the finale of his first screenplay,
72 pages, double spaced, with proper directions and everything, a letter
from the MPAA drops through the mailbox. He is being sued for
$16,000,000 for torrenting the movie. The resulting financial ruin is
the final straw in his father's long, lingering battle with cancer.
Eventually, he finds himself sleeping in the family station wagon, now
permanently parked at a Wal Mart, keeping himself warm with a large flap
of pink foam padding which smells vaguely of eggs, and trying, and
failing, to tune out the asthmatic grunts and groans of the obese Arby's
manager his mother regularly services for free day old roast beef
sandwiches.
"Nice camera, fag," says the fat man, as he drops a fistful of change into the dirty ashtray and raises his girth from the car.
-
A single mum goes for a drive to clear her head after an explosive argument with her adolescent son.
She gets side-swiped a lorry.
She wakes up in hospital.
She's disappointed.
-
An earnest web article refers to the English film director Steve McQueen as African American
-
An untouched tray of vol-au-vents at the Phimisos Society annual dinner.
-
Devout Catholic Sir James Savile in a chauffeur-driven popemobile beat the traffic of Purgatory on the road to Heaven.
-
An alien can't start his spaceship because he left his keys up a hillbilly's arse.
-
An untouched tray of vol-au-vents at the Phimisos Society annual dinner.
Attendee
Terence Oxley eschews the vol-au-vents for his own packed lunch. He
struggles to get his Pepperami out of its plastic skin, eventually
throwing it to the floor in self disgust. These little get-togethers are
always a waste of time.
-
A man prematurely ejaculates. Life is created.
-
A recently arrived immigrant with a poor grasp of the English
language chooses the sobriquet,Gary Glitter, to blend in, after hearing
the name on the news later today. The poor sod is unaware of the
tragedy that will follow.
-
Peter Sissons spots a pretty woman whilst walking past a raw sewage plant. His face betrays a sense of utter confusion.
A speccy oddball asks a ladyboy if they like Last Of The Summer Wine.
A
dead tree in a Walsall playpark, adorned with bags of dog shit. A
paedophile on a mobility scooter trundles slowly past, his fat sides
hanging out of an 'I ran the world' T-shirt.
-
Tears of self pity roll down the face of a now bald Oasis fan as he
reviews 90s photos of himself in full Oasis Regalia and a near perfect
facsimile of Liam Gallaghers 'iconic' haircut.
A market stall holder in Saltcoats fails to sell a single piece of EXOTIC LAWNGEREE all weekend.
In Lidl a man with facial tattoos loudly exclaims to no one that 'its all paki food'.
-
I've massively disappointed myself by going to Subway. I had a chipotle chicken melt. It was quite horrible.
I hadn't been to Subway for a long time because I know it's nasty. I was in a hurry though. What an idiot
-
A man
-
A plan
-
A Gary with a nasal snot bubble and pants full of shit going down on your mum.
-
Sorry, poo, the correct response was 'a canal'.
-
I've massively disappointed myself by going to Subway. I had a chipotle chicken melt. It was quite horrible.
I hadn't been to Subway for a long time because I know it's nasty. I was in a hurry though. What an idiot
Subway's
fine. If I'm out-and-about and need something that at least feels
vaguely healthy, I'll go there. It beats the stale baguettes from
yer Prets and the "found this amazing hole-in-the-wall" mom-and-pop
shop where the guy wipes the sweat from his brow and doesn't wash his
hands.
-
A beige pencil-pusher with a combover and a lifetime of unfulfilled
dreams, stands outside a windswept Wilkinsons waiting for his mousy wife
to emerge with a year's supply of Tena Lady. He hates her. He can't
imagine life without her.
-
Your Dad sucking off a scarecrow during The Invasion
-
Every single Internet-user, staring at the same dress ... forever.
-
Talking heads of an elderly Barry Shitpeas and Philomena Cunk in
2031, reminiscing, in their own inimitable ways, about that 2015
Internet Phenomenon - 'The Dress.'
You, watching it, going oh FFS.
-
A 7 year old boy requests a woolly hat, a checked shirt, a beard, a
tattoo sleeve and "big wheels in my ears" for his birthday.
-
A Buzzfeed writer optimistically saving the picture of the dress to a
special folder of pictures that they will use as the basis for an epic
"Things Only 2010s Kids Will Understand" listicle in ten years' time, if
they still have a job then.
A former Buzzfeed writer, ten years
from now, reading a "Things Only 2010s Kids Will Understand" listicle,
remembering a better time, a time when all we needed was a bunch of
pigeons who looked like they were about to drop the most fire album of
2014, laughing at the Ikea Monkey, through the tears, amidst thoughts of
what might have been.
-
He used to have dreams of a career in showbiz.
He's on his knees fellating a retired binman in a Hackney tower block.
-
some real life (auto)biographical desolation[1]
Heroin addict turned Mormon spends 30 years wishing he hadn't ignored his dad's phone call asking him to come over, knowing if he'd gone he could've/would've stopped him getting himself killed doing something extra stupid while drunk.
One of the last things he did was to ask/call for help. They thought he was joking.
-
This happened today at a landlords funeral. I was actually asked who
my favourite war criminal was. I somehow got the impression that if I
said Eichmann I would have won Bully's special prize.
-
This
happened today at a landlords funeral. I was actually asked who my
favourite war criminal was. I somehow got the impression that if I said
Eichmann I would have won Bully's special prize.
what the fuck??? How is that remotely rational/appropriate topic of conversation.
One
that's just happened - American internet radio dj plays Sandi Thom's
covers of Hurt & House Of The Rising Sun. His fans on facebook agree
she has soul.
-
With a sloppy smack, a condom is yanked from a small, hard and bent
penis then twangs a blob of scrotal flob through a heavily gouted
widow's field of vision before settling onto her Fluoxetine packaging.
She returns her stare back to the Luton drizzle attack that plays out
from her spare bedroom window as her rented lover dresses and asks to
borrow £370.
-
Ant from Ant & Dec dives into the shallow end of a swimming pool
in Magaluf whilst off his tits on Blue WKD. He suffers a severe brain
stem injury, leaving him the 'full Christopher Reeve.'
Dec is
forced to go solo, but it's just not the same. At the 2016 Brit awards,
he flunks his lines in a rehearsed skit with Ed Sheerin and Kanye West,
who acts his usual dickhead self.
Eventually he withdraws
from public life, and spends his evenings slumped in an old chair
watching Russian Dash-Cam crash videos on Youtube.
-
Here's one that actually happened:
A 55 year old work
colleague brings in a pile of well thumbed copies of Razzle brought for
him by his doting elderly mother who purchases them for him hoping they
will satisfy his sexual needs and thus nullify any chance of him meeting
a woman and leaving her alone.
-
A man jogs and doesn't eat chips.
-
A grown-up Oor Wullie steals from his own ma to fund a spiralling crack addiction.
-
http://www.bbc.com/news/uk-wales-north-east-wales-31696508
-
Touching
http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-england-humber-31695410 (http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-england-humber-31695410)
-
http://www.bbc.com/news/uk-wales-north-east-wales-31696508
'North Wales Police said they were appealing for witnesses to the "viscous assault".'
Boys
attempting to steal a puppy in Wales get spunked on by a German
Shepherd. It is the only touch of a lover's hand they will ever
know.
-
An unemployed dimwit positions his penis through the elastic of his
underpants in such a way that the bell is stimulated with every step he
takes. Eventually, outside a retirement home for elderly Rabbis, climax
is achieved.
-
In a stand dedicated to cards with famous quotes on them, I spied
one that simply read "Let's Rock", whilst the other cards stated their
author, e.g. Gandhi, Einstein.. This one just said "Saying"
-
An alcoholic welder gets sicks in his nan's open casket.
-
A hapless virgin emits a foul burp whilst moving in for his first ever kiss. His uncle doesn't mind.
-
My name is Kid Rock!
–Saying
-
http://www.bbc.com/news/uk-wales-north-east-wales-31696508
They were stopped from taking the St Bernard by the German Shepherd.
Muppets. What did they think was going to happen?
-
A man in the throes of ecstasy with his one night stand approaches
climax. Looking down he realises she has insterted a q-tip into his
uretha and watches in horror as his balls inflate by Dizzy Guilespe's
cheeks. His young son is called into identify the body. The mother
laughs when told what has happened to the man she once loved and she
opens her third bottle of Woodpecker of the night.
-
A committee chairman loses on Arcade Mode Stage 1 of Soul Calibur.
-
A labourer is informed matter-of-factly there will be no more labouring, ever.
-
"This pearly king seems happy. But he shouldn't be. He's about to
find out they've replaced him with a computer program. That night he
went home and screamed into a big box of buttons."
-
The trainee midwife is told to pick that up and put it in the toilet.
-
A lonely bachelor offers to help the young single mum up the stairs
of their tenement close with her shopping. He comments on how pretty she
looks today, and she thanks him for his assistance. Later
that evening as he drains the last from a bottle of Merlot a noise from
the door signals a sustained, violent and deadly assault from the
single mum downstairs boyfriend and his 3 cronies. She weeps with a
pillow over her head as the sounds of violence drift down the
close, she calls the police, but its too late. It was
too late the moment she mentioned what had happened earlier that day to
her boyfriend. Her heart sinks further still as she knew inside
herself that she loved her lonely bachelor neighbour and only if she
could l gave got rid of the streak of piss boyfriend, they could
gave been together and been happy.
Happy is a state of mind she
never discovers in her short life, she dies of a head injury after
being kicked down a flight of stairs a few months later. The same
stairs she used to see the now dead bachelor on.
-
A weasel falls off a woodpecker and bursts open on a rock.
-
An old blind dog choking to death on a discarded used condom.
-
An old blind dog choking to death on a discarded used condom.
I "aww'ed" for a non-existent dog :-(
-
In a Mississippi delivery room, an alabaster-skinned couple cradle
their newborn baby. Their newborn baby, who looks just like their
neighbour Shaquele - right down to the afro.
-
A deaf pensioner turns the heating up and wanks over phenomenal preposterously loud porn in her sheltered housing.
-
In the 'reduced' section of Iceland, a heaving colostomy bag cruelly
betrays it's elderly owner. He gets the bus home alone, reeking of
shit. He walks up the path to his dark bungalow alone, reeking of shit.
He sits down in the dark and watches an old episode of Catchphrase
alone. The smell of shit is overwhelming. He doesn't notice. He doesn't
care.
He absolutely reeks of shit.
-
Hugo boss launches a range of suicide vest for the fashion conscious
suicide bomber. The first batch shrink in the wash so a kids range is
added.
-
A deaf pensioner turns the heating up and wanks over phenomenal preposterously loud porn in her sheltered housing.
Didn't know you'd met my mum!
A
sulky teenager playing Grand Theft Auto can't decide if he needs the
toilet. He wakes up 6 hours later with the game still on having pissed,
jizzed and shit the bed. After cleaning up he looks for his favourite
dog to cheer him up, only to find it eating his homework.
-
A 43 year old man barks and claps like a seal whilst watching The
Poddington Peas on VHS. His weary mother, 81, looks on, clutching a
carton of greasy chips in her liver-spot hands. Her husband died years
ago. Grandchildren were never an option.
-
A 50 year old factory worker finds the job he has worked for 20
years has been replaced with a simple crank. Returning home he discovers
his wife has also replaced him. With a motorized horse cock. He stands
in the doorway of his bedroom watching as his wife wrestles with a
writhing mare pounder the size of his leg. She is breathily calling her
child hood pony's name.
-
The silence is like a glacier, Tony thinks. It's so heavy and thick
and cold. It's a glacial diorama. I hate, hate, hate them all but I'll
try and smile and lighten my way into their hearts. If they even have
hearts. In fact I'll settle for a smile- someone even feeling a bit
sorry for me. I'll take that. We're all the same. Six of us sat around a
battered pub table, hands down by sides, courage muted.
Will somebody
please, please, please just grab a fucking Quaver from the pack I
bought for us and ripped open and left in the middle of the fucking
table. Please.
-
A Mauri elder receives his first Manchester United shirt.
(New page cunt again, FFS)
-
The new guy is sent to the hardware shop to buy a new bubble for a
spirit level. The new girl at the shop searches the shelves in
desperation. The guy's anger at her incompetence terrifies her.
-
A ginger foster child gets abandoned in an old quarry by his imaginary friends.
-
A damaged man in double denim is forced to walk nine miles home in
the cold and lashing rain after using his bus fare to purchase CD2 of
Shed Seven's 'The Heroes' from a charity shop in Cromer.
-
A hairy pederast with club foot slow-dances with a boy scout to the strains of Wang Chung, in a windy Belfast youth hostel.
-
A man slips on a banana skin, smacks his head off the curb and dies.
The last thing his flickering consciousness perceives before eternal
oblivion is the mocking laughter of other humans.
A man stares
in a vacant open mouthed reverie at a cloud that's being lit various
shades of pink and orange by the setting sun. A sparrow shits right in
his gob.
A slightly idiotic 6 year old tries to feed her
baby brother by chewing up worms then slowing spitting them into it's
mouth like it saw mummy and daddy birds do on cbeebies.
A malignant beetle crawls up the arse of a decomposing fox.
-
A goblin gets grit in its eye.
-
Al Green gets grits in its back.
-
French mime artist 'Le Plop' takes up residence in London, only to
get mugged and not appreciated - in that order - on his very first day.
'Joss Ackland's spunky backpack' becomes an actual thing.
-
A Rotherham dance floor that was witness to a violent altercation
between a WKD intoxicated Nigel Worthington and a bloated Mr Motivator
remains uncleared and uncleansed over the Christmas period
-
He tags along to a house party with his more popular friends. He
stands in the kitchen whilst a bearded dweeb rambles on about Final
fucking Fantasy. He watches the girl of his dreams heading upstairs with
someone she only just met.
-
Sat alone at christmas, he looks disappointingly at his microwavable
christmas dinner on the table before him. "No goose this year" he
grumbles. "Eh? Valerie? No goose this year! Or the year before!" His
shouts get louder and louder, shouting at his plate "WHY VALERIE? WHY?"
Thumping his gravy and gruel "WHY?" His food lets out a quack. "WHY?" A
goose's head appears out of the gloop, squawking unnaturally, gasping
for air. "WHY?" He sobs. The goose flails all over the plate, gravy and
potato down his jeans, his shirt, the table top. "WHY?" He's howling.
The goose screaming.
Rough arms on his shoulders, pulled into daylight.
"Come on," the police officer says, a hint of pity in his voice, "come on, up you get."
He
looks down at the goose, no longer at a table but by his feet on the
grass. Throttled and lifeless, his hands covered in feathers and gore.
Another goose floats upside down in the pond. Spectators look on aghast. A child cries.
He's been on the bottle for a week.
"I
should have known" he thought, "I've not had christmas goose since
Valerie confessed her infidelities with Barry the Bastard."
A tourist is filming on his iPhone.
-
Local disaffected youths throw rocks at an attempted bumming in the
bushes in a park well known for being a gay pick up area.
-
Old man trades his mobility scooter for a hand job from an aged Bulgarian. Dead from hunger within the week.
Bulgarian prostitute found dead in ditch underneath overturned faulty mobility scooter.
Mobility scooter trends on Twitter for 48 hours.
-
A trainspotter deliberately witnesses a suicide.
-
An alley cat returns from a reccie to discover the alley is now rubble.
-
A one off man-mental slaps down his pet spaniel for committing a
heinous act of bacon theft. Later that evening he forces out a weak piss
halfway through watching Dad's Army. Most of the cast are dead now.
-
Iceland's R&D team greenlight Corned Beef on Pizza
-
A golfer belches and disturbs a heron.
-
A bus driver passes a mentally handicapped man's stop on purpose.
-
A Welsh miner returns home early from the pit to discover his wife
being rogered senseless in a coal bunker by the village idiot.
-
A confused religious child gets detention for shortening the word
countries to cunts while running out of paper in a geography test.
She genuinely doesn't get it.
This kind of Kafkaesque ennui goes on to define the rest of her shitty life.
-
A man looks in the mirror and finally accepts he is going
bald. With a sigh he returns to finish watching 60 Minute Makover.
A gristle bitch dyke with a clit like a dick punches an over friendly labrador in the tits.
A camp bingo caller burns the roof his mouth with a Just Chicken Fray Bentos pie.
-
Karen straightens her Crystal Tipps hair and slips into her best
vintage frock, kisses her cat goodnight and heads off to meet some
colleagues for quiz night at the Nag's Head. She's made a real effort
this time.
'You look nice,' says no-one.
-
A registrar peers at a deed poll application for a Fray Alan Bentos.
-
A Lemsip contraband in an old person's home grinds to a halt after Elsie, 91, turns Supergrass.
A Throbbing Gristle Fan is robbed at gunpoint by lesbian dwarves.
-
Too naked to go to the all night garage, a retired cycling
proficiency instructor tops up the last of his Pall Mall tobacco with
the crumbs from a packet of Nik Naks.
-
The two whitest men in Portsmouth have a fight outside a pub about
the difference between a burrito and a fajita. Someone loses a finger
but no one cares enough to call for an ambulance.
-
A cocky boy of 11 who called himself 'The Don' and ruled the roost
at his tiny village junior school has toothpaste wiped off his face with
sloppy spit by his granny right before a gang of smoking teenage
bruisers on his first day at a bear pit inner city comprehensive.
-
Two orphans pass one another in the street, each mentally remarking 'what an ugly man!'. They're twins.
An
NQT drops by the offices of the taxi company she used to get home the
night before in order to pay the £80 fee for having soiled herself en
route.
A man with a racing car bed takes the bus to work.
-
A single mother is unable to properly mourn the sudden loss of her
pet beagle, due to the shrieking demands of her three pre-school
children. It's 5:27am on a Sunday morning. She always did love the dog
more.
Thomas the tank engine is stolen by gypsies and cut up for scrap.
-
A troll re-edits Requiem for a Dream to include a laugh track, which
massively improves the film. Steven Spielberg sees it and is inspired
to do the same with Schindler's List. It doesn't improve the film at
all, but instead inspires a second Holocaust.
-
In his pound shop Mr Men socks and a shirt that is more egg stain
than polyester young Cedric feels quietly confident that his rendezvous
with luscious Linda will be worth the time it took to save up all those
twenty pences for. He is sure that the working girl in question will not
mind if he takes the used prophylatic home to feast on later in the
evening.
-
Ice cream man arrested for selling lumps of butter on a stick.
-
A naked lunatic counts to potato beneath a dying sycamore tree.
In
Grantham, a faded Comic Relief nose covered in moth cadavers, hangs
precariously on the grille of a car belonging to a registered sex
offender.
A Hattie Jacques fan website still exists in 2015, the
last update having taken place in November 2002 by a man who later hung
himself in a belfry.
-
Tony Hawk opens his Gmail and sighs as he reads a slew of emails
asking when he'll next perform the Stutter Rap, the joke having worn
thin about 15 years ago.
-
Tony Hawks opens his Gmail and sighs as he reads a slew of
emails asking when he'll next perform the Stutter Rap, the joke having
worn thin about 25 years ago.
-
(just as an addendum: my post intentionally cited the skateboarder
receiving emails intended for the british comedian in volte-face of the
british comedian's shtick when he'd reply to emails he'd receive
intendted for the skateboarder and it didn't work. it didn't work. I
wish to god I never tried)
-
Tony's hawk expires slowly and painfully of starvation after a
stuttering butcher takes far too long to serve up the beef offcuts.
-
(https://s3.amazonaws.com/fluencia-media/images/resized/465_310/little%20girl%20smashing%20face%20into%20birthday%20cake.jpg)
As
she focuses through the view finder she is unaware her daughter has
just suffered a 60 years premature heart attack. The cake will be served
at her wake.
The toxicology report will reveal she has been taking enough crack to kill a John Belushi the size of an elephant.
-
This website
http://www.redditch.com
-
This website
http://www.redditch.com
The best thing about Redditch according to the banner is that it is 5 miles from the M42
-
This from that website:
Steve Beale
I'm trying to find a
close friend, his name is Steve Beale. He had a lovely partner called
Sarah Browninig and a young girl and a boy. They lived in Huband Close
Abbeydale last time I saw them, I forgot which number. Any help would be
wonderful, I've tried everthing to find him.
Email: Lee Gallen
-
A pensioner buys a spindle of blank CD-ROMs for his grandchild
-
Michael attends free IT training at the local sixth-form college on
Wednesday evenings. He was hoping to go for a pint after but he's the
only one in his class
-
Real life desolation on my other forum last week:
Young,
bright-eyed couple with their whole lives ahead of them save up so they
can buy a modest mountain bike for her. It's stolen hours later, while
they're in Decathlon buying her a helmet.
:C
-
A teenage girl takes a duck-pout selfie in front of some gates on a
foreign school trip. The letters loom large behind her - 'Arbeit Macht
Frei.'
-
A Colin buys a Snow Patrol rarities and B-sides compilation. He
spends 2 hours trying to get the plastic wrapping off, as his teeth have
rotted out, and the staff have been forced to remove all the sharp
objects from his room.
-
She went to Woodstock.
She dropped acid.
She protested against Vietnam.
She dreamt of revolution.
She thought she'd change the world.
She's now a bank manager.
She tells her idealistic son to be more realistic.
-
On the exact spot where John F. Kennedy's head was violated by a
sniper's bullet, Justin Bieber poses in a rapper's stance for an 'edgy'
publicity shot.
-
A waiter in a posh new restaurant does some proper cosmic farts on
his first night on the job, he doesn't last long before the manager lets
him go.
-
On
the exact spot where John F. Kennedy's head was violated by a sniper's
bullet, Justin Bieber poses in a rapper's stance for an 'edgy' publicity
shot.
I actually saw someone do that at the execution post at Auschwitz. I walked through his photo.
-
I actually saw someone do that at the execution post at Auschwitz. I walked through his photo.
Good on you.
A 1970s binman pulls over his truck and shits himself inside out, in the bomb crater where his childhood home used to stand.
-
A man boasts to his neighbour over how much he paid for his set of allen keys.
A neighbour gets envious of the price paid for a set of Allen keys.
Envy and pride combine to create a series of events that destroy the two men's lives.
The
demon that possess the set of allen keys is rewarded by the devil for
not only destroying the two men's lives but also what could have been if
the two men became friends.
The neighbour had a special gift of
being able to create select religious icons via his 3d printer anus and
the man liked to masturbate while another man took a shit.
-
A child receives a broken lighter and a bag of nowt for his 3rd birthday.
-
An event is cancelled due to lack of interest
-
A toddler receives a kiss on the lips from his gran. An essence of
lavender and humbugs is permeated by the tangible scent of death.
A
road safety campaigner defeats himself at Travel Scrabble in his lonely
static home. He notices his phone light up through the darkness. His
heart races. The battery has fully charged.
Peter Sissons loses the news.
-
A wifebeater in a Pretty Green t-shirt smokes a cig with as much attitude as he can muster outside Poundland in Greenock.
-
http://www.carolgeescandles.com/
-
http://www.carolgeescandles.com/
A man spends the last remaining hours of his life trying to get the best score in Spit the Dog's Candles game
http://www.carolgeescandles.com/games/index.php (http://www.carolgeescandles.com/games/index.php)
-
A treasure trove of desolation
(http://www.carolgeescandles.com/gallery/full_size_photo.php?this_photo=large/IMG_1770.jpg)
-
A parcel clerk wanks off a dog
-
A seaside car park, just after 1am. A 21 year old man, bald as a
coot, with three fingers up a randy 61 year old widow, in the back of a
Citroen Saxo, to the strains of 'Vengabus.'
- You, three miles away, asleep in a separate bed to your partner, after an argument about tea towels.
-
An oblivious alcoholic pisses on an elderly King Charles Spaniel.
An albino scratchcard addict.
Lambrini.
-
Fat, ugly, bald man pushes attractive woman's car out of shallow
ditch. She watched through the rear view mirror and he can see she's
thankful but detects a hint of her being slightly impressed too. He
gives the car one final push, she accelerates away, and he falls flat on
his face. He tries to regain his composure and sees her mouthing
"sorry" in the rear mirror, she does a sympathetic face too, but he can
see the contempt in her contorted sympathetic face, as she gurns at the
useful, pathethic oaf. He stands there with a face covered in those
little stones that collect on poorly maintained roads, he can feel the
sharp stinging, and thinks about how he'll probably have a polka dot
pattern on his face for a few weeks now, like a dalmatian, this makes
him think of dalmatians which makes him slightly happier, but that only
adds a layer of contrast, that makes his current situation seem all the
more woeful. He thinks back to how that woman looked at him with
thankful, impressed eyes. He lies down on the road and covers himself
completely in loose road stones, until he has become the road. He lays
there thinking about that narrow postbox view of the woman's eyes,
waiting for his death, a lorry, a van, a hatchback, then he thought
about a hearse and felt even worse for, even then, being so
heavy-handedly stupid in his death fantasy, which makes him want to end
his existence even more, as he's self-loathing, a cyclist rides straight
over his bollocks.
-
An excited 8-year old has his first sleepover at a friend's house.
The following day, they have dry weetabix for breakfast and spend the
morning distributing Jehovah's Witness Pamphlets to benefit cheats and
elderly racists. Later in the day, they are forbidden from playing
computer games with guns in. Only one controller works. They share a
packet of stale Quavers. It's time to go home.
-
A big-throated surveyor storms off to his room after overhearing
himself being referred to as "the Tony Drago of cunnilingus".
-
A man abstains a little from a comedy forum to give the impression,
to everyone and no one, and perhaps to himself, that his social life is
active.
I'd do more but I've gotta go, it's Saturday night after all.
-
A bald man with a severely seborrheic scalp absent mindedly peels
off large patches of skin from his head as he daydreams out of a train
window.
-
An adult woman holds a tea party for her porcelain dolls and the
ashes of her dead cat. She briefly stops to check her Match.com profile
for any bites. Nah, still nothing.
-
The West of Scotland and bald men seem to be the epitome of
desolation, according to this thread. I'll need to redress the balance
somehow.
A long-haired woman with 5 Highers and a half-finished
Geology degree sits in her damp flat in Glenrothes one Thursday
afternoon, having been to the job centre to sign on that morning. She's
looking forward to watching Countdown, so she turns the TV on. It turns
on, but clicks off after a second, as she hasn't topped up her card
meter for a few days. Her bank balance is -£499.97. She chastises
herself for having bought those digestive biscuits last Tuesday.
-
What about bald men from the west of Scotland with phimosis? Are they the holy grail of this thread?
-
What about bald men from the west of Scotland with phimosis? Are they the holy grail of this thread?
Yep.
-
Bald man with phimosis, living in a dank flat in a village in West
Scotland that time forgot. His life is in black and white. He wakes up
at dawn as the early morning sun shines beams of grey on his face, too
much colour for his eyes. The sound of a crow spluttering outside. He
bathes in an old tin bath, that had collected rainwater from the
previous night, through a hole in the roof. He tries to clean his penis,
but can't pull back his swampy foreskin due to phimosis, the top of his
bellend is bare and dry, he hasn't had anything to drink for days, and
its like an arid desert. A crusty, dusty dryness.
Desiccation.
-
A bald man on the Isle of Benbecula in 1935 has his bobble hat blown off by the wind.
It is full of AIDS.
-
An overweight man with a bad shredded wheat wig inadvertently butterfly prints himself mid shit in a Dunstable pub toilet.
-
A hideously ugly mole-catcher notices an excess build-up of smegma
under the hood of his gnarled, redundant penis. He does absolutely fuck
all about it.
A married Bank Teller is forced to watch all the Monty Python films on her second wedding anniversary.
-
Percival, 34, divorced, shaves the last few tufts from his cranium,
pulls out his cock, and grabs a needle and thread. Soon he will be
bald and phimotic, and the others will finally accept him as one of them.
-
A widow spends her 80th birthday alone in her flat. She's nursing a
cup of tea, having used the same tea bag every day all week.
-
A man advertises a party at his house on Facebook, secretly hoping that hundreds of strangers will come and befriend him.
-
A man advertises a party at his house on Facebook, secretly hoping that hundreds of strangers will come and befriend him.
Hundreds
do descend on his comfortable abode...leaving him in intensive care for
13 weeks and homeless when he regains consciousness.
A facebook
campaign started by a kindred spirit to raise funds for the victim
reaches a total of 7 pound 45 pence after four weeks, which he spends on
paracetamol and gin. He perishes thereafter.
-
She may be mail order, but Gerald, 62, loves everything about his
new bride. Her lustrous dark hair, her beautiful eyes and dainty nose,
her svelte, demure figure and soft breasts. Her cute little giggle when
he tells a terrible joke. Her penis..
-
Richard and Judy write a book of sex tips.
Richard and Judy release a sex tape.
Richard and Judy have sex.
Richard and Judy.
-
"You're really into music aren't you, if I was going to get into Keane which of their albums should I get?"
"...They're all great."
-
Hermaphrodite makes a ham sandwich, takes a bite but the ham slips
out of the bottom, slapping flat on the dusty laminate kitchen flooring,
they pick it up and put it back into the sandwich, they take a bite but
it slips out again. They drop the rest of the sandwich onto the floor
and walk over to the oven hobs, twisting the hob knob to turn the gas
on. They breath the gas directly into their lungs, feeling queasy now,
but it stops, they didn't pay their bill this month. They turn and look
around the entire kitchen - knives, a rolling pin, a garlic press. They
decide to watch day time TV instead and write things online into the
internet.
-
A very bald man in a chip-fat imbued vest lifts a splodge of his own
semen from his pate. He looks himself in the mirror, stares at himself
for many, many minutes then uses the spent, thick flob to draw a face
upon it. His face. Except this one looks worse. Mainly because it's
drawn in his own jism, which is drooling and already slightly crusted.
He nearly cracks the mirror when he prods the pupils in. He sighs, then
starts to add a buxom, smiling lady next to his own demented image, then
whispers "as if, Fred, as if".
-
A timid man commits a hate crime just so he has something to put on his CV. It helps.
-
Hagrid is arrested for historical, and occasionally magical sex crimes, by the Wizard equivalent of Operation Yewtree.
-
A man rescinds his deed poll application to remain Mr. Harold Binman.
-
On a rundown forgotten council estate in the arse end of Uxbridge a
ragged band of youths take turns in trying to throw kittens (from an
aldi bag they found on the canal path) up onto the 8th floor balcony of
the tower block they inhabit. Only one makes it.
An old mild
mannered donkey finally collapses and dies after a life of endless toil
on a generic Spanish beach after a fat twat of a child gets put on it's
back for a ride.
Cyril doesn't have the money for the dentist.
Decides it would be easier to just let the teeth rot out by themselves.
He likes soup anyway.
A Chelsea fan sucks off a black
transvestite behind a wheelie bin in Fulham the night before heading to
Paris for "the big game".
A man twats a bat out the sky with a badminton racket. He does this every fourth Tuesday. It is his ritual. It keeps him "sane"
-
A man scrapes a mouldy layer from the top of his onion chutney
before digging into the rest for his Sunday dinner. His dog looks up
longingly.
-
A retired typist with Munchausen Syndrome meets her end at the hands
of Dr Harold Shipman. In the proceeding years, whenever it comes up in
conversation to one of her grandchildren, he always makes an Alanis
Morrisette joke.
As an ageing, unloved hermit inexorably
approaches the void, he constructs a detailed fantasy life in which he
is a successful film director married to Holly Willoughby. In the dream
life he is also a former SBS commando who intervened and saved flight 93
and, more recently, the inventor of a zero point energy device.
Watching This Morning, he imagines sendng Holly a text about a
funny slip up she just made during the cooking segment. Not for the
first time, he wonders jealously if there is anything going on between
Holly and Gino. Maybe Phil.
-
In 2015 a group of abattoir workers from Galashiels go to Scarborough for a stag do.
After
years of pestering, a mother buys her 45 year old Down Syndrome
son an anal dildo for Christmas. She no longer has to check the
cucumbers before use.
A man decides to grow a beard after reading a Buzzfeed list about why they're cool.
-
IN NOWHERE, INSIDE A SEXLESS HILLTOP FARMHOUSE, a farmer's sagging
housewife looks up from her washing up bowl of tepid, rust-coloured and
baked bean-infested water to gaze through a grimy, single-paned window
at her husband attempting to suplex the latest gust of the relentless
gales that queue to send his mangy flat cap pirouetting into the
spreading gloom that congeals around their pitiful harvest.
"Stupid bastard," says she.
-
A jobless scrote dropkicks a pregnant hen into an electric fence, in
a bid to impress a greasy jezebel. It works. Later that day, he runs a
red light for shits 'n giggles.
An idyllic family picnic is disturbed by the nearby death throes of a badger choking on a used prophylactic.
A man wearing a pastel darts shirt cries into some rented tits in 1996.
-
Putting up with looking like you've spent 10 hours on a sunbed just
so you can enjoy a nice hot shower. Applying cream in a darkened room
after, hoping nobody wants to talk to you.
-
A lonely Autocrat fashions an army of tiny makeshift friends for himself, using broken matches and softened Babybel wax.
-
(http://cl.ly/image/1a1w0i3H452D/Image%202015-03-09%20at%2010.39.25%20pm.png)
-
YOUR FIRST DAY AT WORK
YOU HAVE A LOOK AROUND AT ALL THE PEOPLE IN THE CANTEEN
SMART DRESS CODE
ALL THESE PEOPLE ARE WEARING WAISTCOATS
YOU'VE
ONLY GOT A SHIRT THEY'RE ALL LOOKING AT YOU AND TALKING LIKE THEY'VE
JUST WATCHED A TWILIGHT ZONE EPISODE ABOUT THE TERRORS OF BEATNIKS
BLOKE IN A TRILBY HAT CLOCKS YOU
HE'S POPPED HIS MOBILE PHONE ON THE TABLE
HIS HEADPHONES CABLE POPS OUT
THE MUSIC OF RONNIE JAMES DIO IS PLAYING OUT LOUD
HE'S BECKONING YOU OVER TO SIT WITH HIM
AGAINST YOUR BETTER JUDGEMENT YOU SIT DOWN
"hiya pal, you the guy, here, get this"
HE TELLS YOU A JOKE TO BREAK THE ICE THEN:
"that bernard manning, you can't not love him can you?"
-
Man walks dog. Dog stops poos. Man kicks dog. Dog yelps. Man strokes
dog. Man walks dog. Dog internal bleeding. Jogger camera phone. Youtube
dog-kicker. Police arrest kicker. Man prison cell. Cell door opens. Men
dog heads. Kick man kick. Man blood pulp. Jogger camera phone. How he
here? Youtube police dog-men dog-kicker. How uploaded fast? Dog dead.
Man dead. Jogger dead. Dog-men inherit earth.
-
Your first day at work. You log in to your computer to check your new email account.
It is Lotus Notes. You are contracted here for 12 months.
-
In 1998, they laughed at his stupid long hair. In 2015, they laughed at his stupid shiny head.
A lonely emo girl is un-friended on Myspace by Tom.
The last known Kula Shaker fan dies in a house fire.
-
(http://cl.ly/image/1a1w0i3H452D/Image%202015-03-09%20at%2010.39.25%20pm.png)
PM sent[1]
-
A Leeds fan
-
An old man smiles when he finds an old toy from his childhood,
suddenly it brings back the memory of his mother shouting 'you were a
mistake'
-
Have at thee, fallen fingerers of the little thread that was; http://adamcadre.ac/lyttle.html
-
A drug user turns up for the Rolling Stones Hyde Park concert 46 years late.
-
A gluten intolerant seagull expires on a defunct bandstand after eating a portion of bakery rat.
-
In the near future, a roboid surfs along a murky, animal-less river
in the former county of West Yorkshire, the taste of Leeds still cherry
on his robolips.
-
An emotionally damaged male human smokes some dmt he bought off "the
internet" in an attempt to somehow expunge the burden of being for at
least a little while. He manages two big lungfuls before the universe
unpacks his consciousness and deposits it on the other side of time. He
is trapped in a tiny revolving and shifting fractal like tesseract
structure with only the memories of his own life reflected back at him.
He
"wakes up" 20 minutes later and feels a bit weird, he knows that some
part of him is forever trapped within that fractal crystalline shape,
cursed to infinitely review and experience the same life and memories
over and over and over again.
He decides he probably won't smoke anymore dmt.
Yes I did recently watch Interstellar.
-
Man glances at an inordinately large poo in a toilet, and wishes for a second that their penis matched the poo's mass.
-
In a bungalow just outside Fife, an unused packet of condoms passes
their expiry date in a dusty ottoman. A haggard couple argue about tea
towels nearby.
A woman with Andy Pipkin hair declares on a Clairvoyancy forum that she 'quite likes' Prometheus.
A
group of well-meaning cerebral palsy sufferers film themselves
performing a Harlem Shuffle and upload it onto Youtube. It doesn't take
the online trolls very long.
-
A solitary baked bean, devoid of sauce.
A bloated Gandalf, strangled by his beard caught in a lift at a cosplay convention in Bournemouth.
Morrisey watches Rocky III
-
Alex Salmond in bed crying the day after the vote went NO
-
True one
I found out today that my dad's Aunt died last weekend at the ripe old age of 106.
Her
son (who is like someone stuck in a downbeat version of Last of the
Summer Wine (he is from Holmfirth area), who also has only ever once
ventured outside of Yorkshire (to Exeter many years ago)) phoned to tell
my mum.
He has been visiting her every day for the last 20 years
since she was placed in the care home 2 miles from his own house. Every
night since she entered the accommodation he has had supper with the
residents of the care home and then shown a slide show of 'memories' to
his mum, who was crippled by dementia for the best part of those 20
years.
Every year he would hold a birthday party for his mum and
I went in 2010, my mum has been every year subsequent. The birthday
party used to be recorded on an old cassette recorder (I was in charge
of pressing the red record button in 2010). Each year, the tape of the
previous year would be played for all guests (mostly care home staff and
the diminishing elderly relations).
Her last birthday was 4 weeks ago.
The
son has no wife or children, is now in his 70s and utterly alone -
apart from my mum, who will go to the funeral this week. I can't make
it.
-
A balding middle-aged divorcee who's been closeted all his life and
suffered for decades from anxiety over his sexuality finally bites the
bullet and goes to a gay pub.
It's full of young people. He stays
in the corner all night hearing "weirdo" muttered in his direction on
more than one occasion.
-
An 80s-throwback Geography Teacher stuffs one too many wank socks
down the back of his radiator, forcing it to fall clean off the wall,
revealing an object within that can only be described as a hideous dusty
spunk Muppet.
The woman in the bath in that early-90s Flake advert ignores a phone call informing her of an armed sex offender on the loose.
Brian Cant wakes up one morning and discovers that he, well, can't.
-
The woman in the bath in that early-90s Flake advert ignores a phone call informing her of an armed sex offender on the loose.
Didn't one of the flake girls get drugged at a party and end up walking outside barefoot!
-
400,000 people sign an online petition to put Jeremy Clarkson back on TV.
-
That's what 1 in 150 people in Britain. If you live in London you'll
never be more than a metre from a clarkson petition signee
-
A bloke sits in a bar alone, eagerly waiting for Under The Bridge to
come on. When it finally does, a little smile spreads across his
lips as he nudges the person next to him saying "Did you know this
song's about heroin?"
For this bloke, it doesn't get any better than this.
-
A troll enthusiast in a bar is dismayed when someone nudges him and tells him his favourite song is actually about heroin.
-
An elderly gentleman is having trouble with the youth in his
neighborhood. Always loud jeering, screaming, shouting, immature sense
of reality.
He has enough. He rings his friend. What should I do? They're driving me to the very edge Tommy.
Show them no mercy Harry.
Tomorrow an elderly man is arrested for punching a group of toddlers.
-
A troll enthusiast in a bar is dismayed when someone nudges him and tells him his favourite song is actually about heroin.
Troll enthusiast ...
-
Dead dog in a biscuit tin, cup of tea goes cold.
-
A lonely widow buries her dead cat Arthur in a shallow grave on a
rainy Tuesday. Her suspicious neighbour calls the police, who arrive and
kak-handedly dig up Arthur, forcing her to go through the overwhelming
sadness all over again.
-
A man is standing masturbating in Curzon Street Tunnel
(http://lh5.ggpht.com/-U4bRIsgDCjU/UoD-UTBvTyI/AAAAAAAADo0/kmcc5oYb-jo/s1600-h/Digbeth%252520Branch%252520006%25255B7%25255D.jpg).
It is about 7.15am.
weekender is about to ride through Curzon Street Tunnel, for he is commuting to work on his bicycle.
When weekender enters the tunnel, he is *not* thinking about the possibility of a masturbating man being in the tunnel[1].
As weekender enters Curzon Street Tunnel[2] he adjusts his vision[3] and after a couple of seconds he thinks he sees a man masturbating.
After
three seconds weekender realises that the man is actually masturbating
but by this point weekender is so far into the tunnel that it's all or
nothing.
weekender continues his pleasant cycle commute, trying to ignore the man.
Right at the moment weekender passes the man, the man ejaculates into the canal[4]
weekender thinks about stopping and wondering what the fuck just happened, but decides against it.
weekender sees some geese going in the opposite direction, and wonders if they were hungry.
weekender starts thinking about pension quotes again.
-
On a Lancashire council estate, an ice-cream man with flecks of
spittle in the corner of his mouth and a dirty bandage on his wrist,
serves disappointing cornets and blue movies to the local muggers and
sex offenders. The van's chime is 'Poker Face.'
-
BBC publish guest list at Steve Strange's funeral
(http://news.bbcimg.co.uk/media/images/81588000/jpg/_81588644_funeral2.jpg)
Human leuge couldn't make it because of flu.
-
seriously you ugly av fuck if the Pet Shop Boys came to your funeral
1. they'd be the only ones there 2. you'd come back to life to check it
was actually happening
-
BBC publish guest list at Steve Strange's funeral
(http://news.bbcimg.co.uk/media/images/81588000/jpg/_81588644_funeral2.jpg)
Human leuge couldn't make it because of flu.
(http://news.bbcimg.co.uk/media/images/81600000/jpg/_81600113_boy.jpg)
And the cunt on the right letting Boy George do all the lifting while he forces one out . A disgrace.
-
He ain't heavy, he's my...
...fuck this- he's heavy.
-
Nice of them to let that tablecloth wearing dementia patient attend the funeral.
But Martin Kemp aside, that priest did well to get an invite too.
-
I want it to be known that this is a new low and i'd karma bomb the lot of you if i had a script and available karma
-
I hope we get some of Prachett's funeral too fucking SHIT BOOKS FOR CUNTS WHO CAN'T READ
-
A morbidly obese call centre team leader lives in a pterodactyl-themed maisonette.
-
A maisonette-themed pterodactyl lives in the hollowed out carcass of a morbidly obese call centre team leader.
-
A Gary stands at the back of a long queue in a chip shop and sighs.
-
A tear runs down an infant pomeranian's cheek as it realises it will soon become a spice burger.
-
Given 3 months to live, a man spends a Saturday doing cable management in his computer room.
-
An office introvert, his pockets and wallet already utterly depleted
by Comic Relief, spots yet another set of zany-attired middle managers
entering the double doors into his workspace.
He gets up.
He sneaks to the sanctuary of a toilet and sits in a cubicle until the danger has passed.
He goes back to his desk and shares his experience on a Comedy Forum.
He curses Lenny Henry.
-
A 51 year old actuary from Swindon visits Bristol for the first time
and gets so excited he sends postcards to all of his friends and
family. He sends no postcards.
-
Inspired by the writings of George Orwell, a young socialist-minded student takes a trip to Wigan to see the pier firsthand.
He spends the night in Wetherspoons being ignored.
-
A fat nerdy man walks past a burnt down chip shop. A scrawny,
jobless bastard with a neck tattoo and missing fingers makes that 'fat
man trombone noise' as he walks past. A bunch of schoolkids in a bus
point and laugh. The two men are brothers.
-
Two men sitting outside a pub ironically wolf whistle when a man in excessively tight pants runs past.
-
This happened today. Did a runny shit and skid marks are left on the
inside of the lav. Furious brushing with bog brush to clean lav
resulted in splashback of shitty water going into eye and up nose.
Violent puking ensues. Only the last part of this post is desolate. The
rest is hilarious.
-
A lonely man is walking down the street when he hears two women
laughing and shouting oi gorgeous. He turns round. Not you you stupid
ugly cunt.
-
A 64 year old grandfather puts on Portland Bill to watch
with his young grandson, just like he did with his own son back in the
80s. As the whimsical acoustic theme tune begins, he feels his heart
swell with proud nostalgia and starts to sing along gently.
The
horrified boy calls him "gay" and bounds out the room to further
terrorise the living fuck out of the old man's frail, half blind and
lampshade wearing Collie, which spends every last minute of its
miserable dwindling existence longing to be shot.
-
A cup of piss is placed on a windowsill and ignored for the next 4 years.
A
retarded woman makes a single Fray Bentos pie for Xmas dinner. Everyone
gets a quarter each. She serves it with Farmfoods frozen mashed
potato. Total cost £1.48.
A teenager throws his only jacket onto a bonfire for a dare. No one is impressed.
-
'You need some artificial tears,' declares the broken shopkeeper's ophthalmologist.
'I really don't,' croaks back the grocerial custodian.
-
A doctor reveals to his patient that she is "A spastic".
-
A fuck-ugly binman parks his truck in a layby near Milton Keynes,
and coils out a violent shit in a ditch in front of some rambling
midgets.
Two middle-class siblings fight over a Red Nose on Comic
Relief day. On the TV in the background, a montage of starving Africans
with flies on their eyes is playing, set to a Snow Patrol song.
A
cross-eyed lunatic asylum inmate watches Peak Practice with the volume
down, whilst frantically rubbing her feral vagina with a headless He-Man
figure.
-
A doctor reveals to his patient that she is "A spastic".
While doing a mong face.
-
An overweight office clerk who lives on pot noodles and take-aways
hasn't had a solid shit in over a decade. It never once crosses his mind
that this isn't normal.
-
A woman receives a 'home made' joint birthday and mothers day card,
an envelope with a folded post it note in. Her birthday is in
September.
-
A man tells his mother, wife and young daughter that he 'Doesn't
believe in any of that Mother's Day shit,' then immediately goes back to
playing FIFA 15 against a disabled Croatian teenager.
-
The silent-as-space vacuum of dead air that stains the nation's soul as a Saturday Night Takeaway live link to Bristol takes 11.25 seconds to connect
-
Les Dennis, tired, naked and puffy-eyed, sits on a stool staring at
his own reflection for what seems like forever. He shouts 'You
Bastard!!' at the haggard man staring back at him, then throws an empty
budgie cage into the mirror. It doesn't break.
-
Les Dennis changes his name by deed poll to Les Dennis, but with French accent
-
^becoming a French fire engine
-
Feeling low on my way to work. Spot a dog tied by its leash to a
post outside a corner shop. We make eye contact with our lonely, sad
eyes. My face brightens up with a slight half smile. The dog throws up
and shits itself immediately.
-
A wet moth in a near-empty tub of peanut butter.
Shitting at
3am when the lightbulb fizzles out and you're left to wipe yourself in
the dark and you drop the roll in the toilet bowl.
A small tear in a medieval manuscript that you've made while cutting your ingrown toenail.
Juggling two deflated balloons on a Tuesday evening.
One grey thigh hair.
-
A ruddy, angry, craggy-faced scowling 30 something scrote in a blue
Adidas tracksuit pushes a pram at high velocity by a dangerous road in a
run down towncentre, the remainder of his young family (who he clearly
regrets but cannot bring himself to drown... yet) follow in tow, he
snarls his face at the world and his fell gaze passes over you.
-
A hair in a place where a hair has never sprouted before.
-
A grandad makes his 6 year old grandson carry some wet bricks from
one part of the garden to another part of the garden. He is rewarded
with a lunch consisting of a stale ham sandwich and flat Um Bongo, then
treated to a slideshow of moth-damaged photographs taken during joyless
1970s Christmasses. Nearly everyone in the photos is now either dead or
in prison.
A young man cursed with early hair loss is told by a
pretty brunette she'd probably go out with him 'if he wasn't bald.'
Later that day, he is told that bald is sexy - by his cataract-afflicted
gran.
-
I thought um-bongo was always flat
-
A vested man with tattooed gammon hams for arms gyrates by a
Heineken can graveyard to an Ibiza Club album, diluting an otherwise
glorious summer's day as it farts out from a tinny speakers in a
dogshit-strewn Millenium Community Garden.
-
A disgusting old bastard with a ridiculous tufty neck beard endures
shit flecked microwave lasagne and a horrendous colon infection after
anally administering his one and only pepper shaker.
-
A golf caddy reverses over a turd.
-
In the toilet of a train somewhere between Gourock and Port Glasgow a
man of indeterminate age and origin takes advantage of SPT's free wifi
service to edit the "catchphrases" subsection of the Chuckle Brothers
Wikipedia page.
-
A foggy Tuesday morning at the fag-end of the 1960s. A wheezing,
hunchbacked old man has one last look at the condemned ruins of the
Victorian slum where he spent his whole life. Some dirty-faced kids play
with a dead cat and an old bicycle wheel on a pile of rubble. For them,
it doesn't get any better than this.
-
A rainy grey Monday morning in London in the year 2015. A stupid
moth emerges from it's cocoon and is fooled by the intensity of grey
gloomy murk and assumes that it's actually night time, or at least dusk.
It flaps it's wings and wibbles about in the air before being swiftly
plucked from the sky by an ill tempered and over worked robin.
A
lovely old dog (golden retriever), pride of the family, friendliest
mutt you'll ever meet, spends 10 minutes eating a bit of it's own 2 week
old shit.
A man wipes the condensation off the inside of a bus
window on a rainy grey Monday morning commute in an attempt to ward off a
feeling of increasing claustrophobic anxiety, he looks at his sleeve
now covered in what he can only assume is someone else's effluvia.
A swan breaks some twats arm.
-
BBC publish guest list at Steve Strange's funeral
(http://news.bbcimg.co.uk/media/images/81588000/jpg/_81588644_funeral2.jpg)
Why is Gemma obrian invited twice? I think we should be told.
-
"so yeah, it's a gameshow with hypnotism, loads of online stuff,
Scofe's agreed to it if he gets an exec producer credit" said the 24
year old ITV producer to the assembled executives as the rain lashed at
the windows.
-
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mxVo5mjK4eg
-
The down slipping out of your pillow tuft by tuft until there's only three left, spread unevenly inside.
A layer of mustard-smelling grime on the underside of your water-bottle lid.
The fish has gone again.
-
An ogre-faced twerp stares from a greasy bus window at a gaggle of
pretty young students, cruelly reminding him of the futility of life -
Especially his own.
A foster-child gets collective snot rubbed on
his Parka by his classmates. He goes home and his disgusted dad wallops
him repeatedly with his belt - without even taking it off.
A bastard craps into a borrowed baseball cap outside a bookies, whilst giving the V's-up to some elderly Parishioners.
-
An amateur pervert is goaded by a nonce to shit into a bra and wear
it while being roughly buggered by a second, balding nonce.
In
a busy Selkirk chippy, a pre op tranny orders a saveloy and chips
and is told he will have to wait on the chips being cooked. He misses
the start of Eastenders.
On his way to the 9th floor, Michael Portillo fondles the collapsed buttocks of a pliant, phimotic lift attendant.
-
An absolute shambles of a man still religiously keeps going to
support his local football team, despite it not being enjoyable since
1996, not to mention a total waste of money. His friends feel the same
way, but they all agree that it at least provides a weekly sanctuary
from their cold, joyless marriages.
-
A woman discovers that 1990s TV film No Child of Mine is
now available on Youtube. She has been trying to get hold of a
song from the film for the last eighteen years, and finally has the
chance.
She has to watch the film again to identify the song. Ngh.
-
A pensioner looks down at what gets him through his lonely days;
cod, chips and mushy peas from his local fish and chip shop. A single
pubic hair protrudes from the pot of peas. The man shrugs and laps the
pube up. A tear rolls down his cheek.
-
Standing alone at a Wetherspoons bar a prolific nobody is called "a chimp fingered cock watcher" by a bull necked divorcee.
-
A sniggering twenty-something tries to order a 'ladyboy' in
Wetherspoons but stumbles at the 'small Baileys' because of his attempts
to stop himself from bursting into hysterical laughter.
-
A decaying fibre optic nest of barren scalped failures collectively
snatch a moment's glimpse of self-actualisation when their
ponker-flecked mewlings are snapped up for a best selling toilet book.
Seriously, this is gold. Surely enough material for CaBs first book in this lot.
Listen, if you don't do it, Random House will, you shits.
-
A stork delivers a baby in a tesco carrier bag.
-
A child living a life free of struggle and hardship feels cheated,
his one true want just out of reach: "to do a poo at Paul's like on the
advert, mum"
-
Still we have to redress the balance here; it's all single, lonely
blokes on this thread. The most desolate are those that are
trapped.
A married man visits the toy section of the local
department store with his two kids, 4 and 7. He can stand his wife
no longer, she hates him just as much. He buys them the most
expensive toys he can find knowing that he can deduct the gifts from the
legal settlement. He has a wry smile while he pays for the Lego
Death Star.
-
"No sign of a zeitgeist busting reunion tour, Trevor"
"Wetherspoons, Simon?"
"Yeh, its gone midday and the curry club is on"
(https://trevandsimon.files.wordpress.com/2009/02/trev-and-simon-sept-20071.jpg)
-
A dental assistant laughs at the peanut stumped teeth of a locally feted lollipop woman.
A Jack Russell savages a shoebox full of baby hamsters to the soundtrack of screaming and The One Show.
On his 18th birthday, a Prader Willi sufferer is noisily ejected and barred from a Blackpool branch of China Buffet King.
-
A three-legged Pug frantically tries to dry hump a snot-encrusted
teddy bear in a filthy kitchen. It's hilarious, failed attempts are
filmed by it's junkie owner on a stolen Iphone, then uploaded onto
Youtube in grainy, upside down Shit-Vision, set to an unfathomable Tina
Turner song, and their hideous, phlegmy cackles.
-
An uneaten cheese straw at a wedding reception. It will be buried in landfill for time immemorial.
-
Hypothermic tramp is saved by the warming manna of a drunkard's kidney litter.
50 year old woman looks at her genitals in the mirror and cries.
Man featured in local paper for never missing an episode of Coronation Street in half a century.
Child
spots a hedgehog during his morning walk to school, he rushes to it in
excitement but finds a fat rat stuffed with hypodermic drug needles, its
pierced lungs wheezes out its last breath like an aids-filled bagpipes.
It shits itself before death.
-
A man is slumped against a wall, pissing on the carpet outside the
gents in the Wood Green Cineworld, he stumbles away leaving a wet patch
for a minimum wage employee to clean up.
-
A crusty Welshman exchanges a bag of wizz for a grubby blowjob,
delivered with zero lustre by a snaggle-toothed crone in a damp static
caravan near Rhyl.
Snooker legend and Prog Rock fan Steve Davis
manages to lose two separate Rich Teas in one cup of tea. 'Oh well' he
thinks, and downs the sludgy beige mess in one go.
-
A cretin from Dingwall from does a Usian Bolt 'stance' after seeing a black man outside Greggs.
Struggling to meet a copy deadline, a councillor struggles to think up a paragraph of positivity about Wakefield.
A
woman smokes 20 fags a day for 53 years without ever actually enjoying a
single one. Self pity consumes her final days in the hospice.
-
Drunk on the hubris that his girlfriend did not pop a single zit
while giving him a love bite necklace. Young Malcolm tries to
convince the driver of a milk float that he is suffering from Ebola.
-
A
pensioner looks down at what gets him through his lonely days; cod,
chips and mushy peas from his local fish and chip shop. A single pubic
hair protrudes from the pot of peas. The man shrugs and laps the pube
up. A tear rolls down his cheek.
Cod, Chips, Pube and Peas is a delicacy in some countries. Don't knock it 'til you've tried it.
-
An 19 year old lad eyeballs his last shot. His body is found in a
friend's garage the next morning. He is still warm, and possibly alive.
But on their way to the hospital the car runs its last jot. Fuel tank
ruptures after a night of heavy rifling, the sheer heat of the engine
ignites the whole thing almost immediately.
The car chassis is found some 30 meters from the crash, a charred metal cage with some skeletons stuck to it.
-
Plagued by infestations of one sort or another. A London
tenant drowns a bucket full of maggots in cold water. He watches in
despair after 15 minutes they COME ALIVE...a turbulent frothing venting
forth a fell wind.
Those very same maggots are found infesting his broken body by a kindly neighbour from up North.
-
An obsessive hoarder comes home to find his entire music collection
has been burgled from top to bottom, apart from one solitary cassette
single lying on a dust caked shelf. It's 'Sexuality' by Billy Bragg.
-
Once a trendy young cad, Darren from Leeds is ridiculed by his
20 year old son and all his mates when he says The Happy Mondays were
good.
-
A Premier League footballer sexts one of his girlfriends whilst
driving slowly past a busy foodbank in his brand new Lamborghini.
A
married couple argue over the way the husband loads the dish washer.
She bitches about it to her 793 Facebook friends - he spends 9
successive nights in the huffy bed.
A dad in a baseball cap
swills out his stepson's potty over some blossoming daffodils in a
National Trust car park where they'd stopped for a smoke.
A
dickhead of a man and his 3 mates fart into their cupped hands and make
his spastic brother inhale the massive eggy reek, for a laugh.
-
Jeremy Clarkson sobs to himself in his hotel room over how he could
never tell anyone how punching that producer stopped the universe from
being destroyed.
-
A security guard attempts suicide due to the David Icke forum being
down, as it is the only place he has ever felt comfortable attempting
human interaction. He survives, and becomes famous due to the pathetic
attempt being caught on camera. His newfound celebrity status leads to
him being on a charity edition of Deal or No Deal, where he wins 1p
which - after a very heated argument with Noel Edmonds where they almost
come to blows - he announces will be donated to UKIP. Later, he
receives a very passive aggressive birthday card from Nigel Farage - the
only birthday card he gets - which he tries to use to slit his wrists.
After failing, he smears the card with ketchup and starts to eat it,
only taking breaks between bites to sing happy birthday to himself while
staring into a mirror. Somehow, all of this is caught on camera as
well, and no one is surprised by any of it.
-
Happened today
Man, mid-30s with heavy eye makeup dressed in
black, stinking and holding up a queue in Sainsbury's Local. He's
stammering and irritated as the cashier fumbles with some paper...he has
no shopping.
Eventually the cashier passes the man a piece of
paper - "Here you go, sorry about the confusion, your 14 points have
been added to your Nectar account".
-
A council worker bulldozes the last remaining hedgerow in Dorset.
It will be burgers soon.
-
(http://i61.tinypic.com/2i762io.jpg)
She knows.
-
A violent halfwit tells a stranger that the eclipse is for 'pakis and poofters'.
To the delight of a pram faced munter, a beshitted tramp 'walks like an egyptian' outside a 80's night in Maryport.
An
obese beanbag of a woman tilts her head back and drinks the yellow
grease from a container that recently housed an extra large chicken
donner and chips with cheese.
-
A hairy-arsed gypsy shouts 'Yer dirty old feckers!' whilst pulling a moonie at some war veterans on Rememberance Sunday.
A
fed-up mother tries to placate her young kids with some
Poundland-bought films, many of them featuring Steven Guttenberg. The
kids see through the cheapness, and trash the living room in a pique of
Smartie-fuelled mayhem.
During a student fancy dress night, a black Peter Sutcliffe and a fat Keith Lemon trade blows over a spilt bottle of WKD Blue.
-
Sean Lennon complains to his therapist about how no one cares about
Sean Lennon. She reminds him about mindfulness, then asks for his dad's
autograph.
-
An uninspired sad sack listlessly gawps at Loose Women and ends up
having a confused and furious hatewank over the partially exposed
pillowy cleavage of a cackling bigot.
-
During a 1980s R.E. lesson, a spiky-haired waster draws a big hairy
cock and balls over a picture of the last supper, with the spunk dollops
flying right onto Jesus. He laughs his tits off, then smokes a dirty
old rizla whilst pulling a Joey Deacon face at the teacher.
-
A slob celebrates his hate-fuelled divorce by sitting on lonely
bench on a hot summer's day in 1994, watching the hourly train go past.
It never stops. His only friends are a dog turd and a disabled pigeon.
He's now too hideous and bloated to ever attract another mate, unless
money is exchanged first.
- In the background, an attractive young couple throw a Frisbee for their beagle, then have a giggly kiss under a tree.
-
The beagle offers a smirk to the bulbous divorcee, 'enjoy my shit, loser' it thinks in its dog language.
-
A 30 something with only a couple of friends declines a short notice
invite to the pub because he'd rather stay in and have that massive
wank he's been looking forward to since tea.
He tells his friend he's "tired."
-
2am, a Wednesday: a Michael Ryan fan roams Hungerford via Google Street View. His dog watches, bored.
A student's social anxiety prevents them from getting a kebab.
The dead parent random memory jog.
-
"No sign of a zeitgeist busting reunion tour, Trevor"
"Wetherspoons, Simon?"
"Yeh, its gone midday and the curry club is on"
(https://trevandsimon.files.wordpress.com/2009/02/trev-and-simon-sept-20071.jpg)
I
wont stoop to negging you but i'm not having this one at all. A pint of
ale and a curry at midday with Trevor and Simon sounds layx, man.
-
A grown man pretends to be "in St Helens" to stop his mother from realising he is actually having sex, and not in St Helens.
-
A real one I saw on facebook this morning:
Some
friends and I once walked past the back of the New Brighton Theatre on
the prom on the way to the pub. It was late January and bitterly cold.
As we passed the theatre we heard the crescendo of music marking the
finale of a panto followed by an embarrassingly small round of applause.
Later, on our way back, the stage door opend and Blakey (the star of
the pant) slipped out carrying a plastic Tesco's bag. We watched him
trudge back towards his digs, shoulders slumped.
-
During a school trip to an art gallery, a bored dunce brands LS
Lowry's 'Coming From The Mill' as 'well gay' and a load of 'fucking
shit,' then dry-slaps another pupil around the ear, for a laugh.
A
32yr old quasi-hipster bops around his bedsit to some early Kaiser
Chiefs, occasionally flicking the big light on and off for a 'disco'
effect. That night, as always, he sleeps alone.
-
A lonesome 50-something has spent weeks practicing his favourite
song to perfection since he started playing guitar. He takes himself and
the guitar to a local open mic night full of hope.
He spends the night sat in the corner, cradling his guitar case with anticipation. No one notices.
-
A real-life Superhans devises a sophisticated system of mirrors and
pulleys in his toilet, for the purpose of babestation-inspired
Chezolagnia.
-
(https://pbs.twimg.com/media/BrFGFzzIQAE-hbr.png:large)
(http://weknowmemes.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/12/my-little-pony-fleshlight.jpg)
-
(https://pbs.twimg.com/media/BrFGFzzIQAE-hbr.png:large)
(http://weknowmemes.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/12/my-little-pony-fleshlight.jpg)
Two world wars were fought so we could enjoy such freedoms as these.
Two.
-
A sensei follows through during a lecture on discipline.
-
An alcoholic weeps into oblivion upon the stark realisation that all
the Andrex puppies from his childhood adverts are long dead.
-
An avid Peak Practice fan misses the final ever episode due to an
emergency dental appointment. He is forced to wait until someone uploads
it onto Youtube 11 years later, before finally seeing it. He wishes he
hadn't fucking bothered, and goes to make a Pot Noodle.
-
A man can't think of anything to do.
-
53 year old swinger Paul takes his twelve year old Dell laptop to a
local computer shop to try and recover a porn film he lost his internet
wanking virginity to. The three young men behind the counter laugh at
the tameness of his video collection.
-
A spider falls out of a lampshade into a luke warm Ainsley Harriott
"Cup Soup" and drowns amidst the murky green Shropshire Pea water.
An
old lady with a "thing" for Ainsley Harriott slurps down one of his Cup
Soups whilst watching an old episode of Ready Steady Cook on youtube,
she almost unconsciously rubs herself against a table leg. She doesn't
notice the limp body of the spider as it slips down her gullet.
Earlier in the day she'd swallowed a fly, I don't know why.
-
(http://weknowmemes.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/12/my-little-pony-fleshlight.jpg)
Wouldn't, wouldn't, would, would, wouldn't, wouldn't
-
Still
we have to redress the balance here; it's all single, lonely blokes on
this thread. The most desolate are those that are trapped.
Too much detail without nuance, too
-
I found a ladybird in my flat and rather than open the window to
give it some freedom I threw it in the toilet and spat on it.
After it had survived the first flush I then pissed and shat on it, in that order.
Cruelty to dumb annoying insects: right or wrong? If this isn't the idea for a great new thread I don't know what is.
-
You disgust me.
-
Ladybirds/bugs are shit parents though (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3lVZoerNne0).
-
The smell of patchouli.
-
Wayne Rooney kicks a dog to death.
-
A man decides to look for a movie to rent from redbox, types
redtube.com in his browser, on his phone, in a restaurant.
-
An apostle is run over and left for dead by a chariot in 39 AD. He
survives the initial impact, but is subsequently bummed to death by a
pack of hairy savages.
-
A man is sent five cars people have cum shat and vomited in along with the note 'SORT THIS SHIT OUT'.
-
An old man has decided to go out birdwatching for one last time. A
cold breeze on his face. 'Binoculars' drawn, peering into the icy white
flakes of a late March snow. Looking for a stray tit or black bellied
dipper.
Prior to the war, he was a keen ornathologist. He loved a
blue-tit as much as a thrush or a cheeky jackdaw. He spent a lot of
time alone in the wilds prior to Hitler's bullshit. Just him and his
binoculars.... And that bloody man ruined everything.
During the
war of course, he was a spotter. His comrades called him Eagle eye, a
term later stolen and copyrighted by Americans in the 80's. But that was
almost all lost when an unexploded SS mortar shell caught him in the
left eye socket.
'You're bloody lucky!' cried Tommy McTomson. As he dodged aside an enemy tank and prepared some tea.
'Baddy
heel lad', cried Scotch. 'It cad've hid yer eee ooot'. He was always
drunk and carried an axe. Thirteen Germans he killed. Thirteen.
'It
did', screamed Eagle Eye. And it had. His left eye naught but a ruined
socket. An unexploded SS mortar shell, lodged pitifully in his head.
'You'll be right, lad, s'up with ye?' joked Yorkie. Again another alcoholic.
And
we laughed and finished our tea and stormed a couple of beaches. And
through thick and thin, we carried on and won the bloody war.
After
it was all over. He returned back to Blighty and had the mortar
removed. In its place and using the funds of his payout, he had a crude
telescope/microscope/periscope installed into the socket, with a
multi-faceted lens (hyper-spectral lens) type system. Allowing him, for
the first time to not only gaze at wonders afar, but to zoom in on say, a
Pelican's beak or an Aberdeen fighting duck's extendable thumb (for
example). Or keep an eye out for a cheeky Russian submarine, should he
be inclined.
Today he was gazing at something that had caught his eye[1]. A strange type of winter chicken. Frozen, bald, featherless. Headless, beakless. Eyeless.
---
The manager had been called in to work on his fucking first day off in several months.
'What
the fuck is going on Janine? I've got a plane to catch to play golf in
Pompeii. I said I'd take my son swimming with sharks. I thought you were
in charge. Why the fuck is there loads of police outside my store?'
'I'm sorry Boss. I really am. But there's been an incident. A bad one.'
'... Jesus, Mary and Joseph of Nazareth. What type of incident? It can't be that bad'
'....'
The
Boss enters the store. Armed police everywhere. The smell of smoke and
chaos. Janine emerged from behind the Police line, her face an etch of
madness.
'There's an old man in Aisle three. He's trying to free
the Chicken drumsticks with his scrawny hands. He's got some bog roll
sellotaped to his face and claims he has a mortar bomb. He's got a piece
of drainpipe attached to his face and mentioned something about a
Russian submarine near the Chicken Kievs. He also mentioned Hitler'.
--
The
police later shot the old man (and Janine), but not before the old man
laid an egg. Which rolled out of the store an escaped.
-
'Just skip to the fucking end!'
- Said a Printer Salesman reading Gideons Bible in a 2-Star Travel Tavern.
-
A 6 month old child is called a 'ginger cunt' by its unemployed step dad.
One half of a delicious cheese, onion and ham toastie lies forgotten in a Breville.
A fisherman thinks outside the (tackle) box and begins using live goldfish as bait.
-
A man in a suit shouts at his excel spreadsheet.
-
A young man whose girlfriend recently told him that she's into
'water sports' decides to piss on himself in private to see if
he'll enjoy it. He doesn't enjoy it.
She meant swimming.
-
Dragonfang_lady refreshes the browser again, she knows it's futile, no one's posted on her Twilight forum since 2012
-
An elderly Chinaman smiles for a photo alongside Mickey Mouse at
Euro Disney. Seconds later he collapses and dies of a massive coronary.
His colostomy bag ruptures in a big kakky splat as he falls to the
ground near a shocked Donald Duck. Later that evening, looking for
comfort, his family take a look at the final photo - it is out of
contrast and obscured by grease.
-
'Abandoned mobility scooter'
-
All remaining 1970s TV footage is completely erased, after it
becomes apparent that there is a celebrity nonce in literally every
shot. The only surviving evidence is the Test Card Girl & Clown -
and even that's a bit suspect.
An adult man googles 'Test Card
Girl & Clown today' and discovers that the years have not been kind
to either of them. He pulls his pants back up.
-
A Des O'Conner obsessive tries writes the fifth letter of day four of his campaign to convince Challenge to repeat the complete 1995 series of Take Your Pick. Droplets of his sweat enfuse the letters with his stench.
The whiff of a lonely, angry man's B.O. emanating from an opened envelope puts an intern at a TV company off her tuna sandwich.
A
Doctor Who fan is just falling to sleep when it hits him that it's been
ten years since the new Who programmes began. In that time, the
Doctor has changed multiple times, been on many exciting adventures, met
new people, made new friends, whereas for him, nothing has happened, he
is exactly the fucking same. Later, he dreams about a fabulous
adventure but doesn't remember any of it when he wakes the next morning.
-
It is the morning after the 2015 UK General Election. The Conservatives have secured a majority in the House of Commons.
A member of Cookdandbombd visits the General Election thread to find a single, crowing post from Milverton.
-
A Peadophile wins tickets for 'Noddy On Ice' in a Scope Tombola.
A
beaurocrat in baggy tights keeps a picture of facelift-era Barry
Manilow in a heart-shaped pendant, instead of her ugly husband and
daughter.
A thick-as-fuck litter picker shouts 'Meatloaf!!' at an overweight female bus driver bus in Newport.
-
The opening chords to Angels starting up at some newlyweds' first dance, Coventry.
-
A dead eyed travelling salesman buys a 10lb pork loin joint, a doll's wedding dress and a second hand cordless drill.
-
A Pearly King & Queen inadvertently trigger The Blitz after
attracting the attention of The Luftwaffe during some back alley
hows-yer-father.
-
A product developer for Baxters dreams up The Breakfast
Bentos. The pastry topped sausage, bacon, black
pudding and bean delicacy is widely mocked and ridiculed.
-
A
product developer for Baxters dreams up The Breakfast Bentos. The
pastry topped sausage, bacon, black pudding and bean
delicacy is widely mocked and ridiculed.
Six months later Fray Bentos makes the exact same product and goes on to put Baxters out of business.
-
The opening chords to Angels starting up at some newlyweds' first dance, Coventry.
?
https://youtu.be/dtG-vPkzxX8?t=22s (https://youtu.be/dtG-vPkzxX8?t=22s)
-
Six months later Fray Bentos makes the exact same product and goes on to put Baxters out of business.
Pssst, its Baxters that make Fray Bentos pies in the first place.
-
Oh, well.. errr... it's the Desolation thread: Fray Bentos is an independent and powerful food company.
-
'Abandoned mobility scooter'
The adventures of 'Abandoned mobility scooter'
- Out the back of a run down service station in the Trossacks
- In a Wigan skip
- Close to the approaching winter tide on Tynemouth Longsands
- In the inmates property compound at Garforth super-prison
EDIT (With thanks to P. Calf)
Credits Roll, soppy but cheery piano music
...
...
Director - Ricky Gervais
-
Florence, 70, of Broadstairs watches it get dark from the armchair in her bay window, again.
-
The opening chords to Angels starting up at some newlyweds' first dance, Coventry.
The opening chords to Angels starting up at the newlyweds' funeral after their honeymoon static caravan became mobile in County Mayo.
-
The opening chords to Angel by Shaggy starting up as the new king walks down Westminster Abbey, about to be crowned.
-
Shaggy whistling the opening chords to Angels
(Williams/Chambers) as he strolls back to his sister's pad after
indulging in his hobby of crashing young, dead couples' funerals.
-
A pilot crashes his plane into a mountain killing 140 or so passengers, many of which are children.
It
is later revealed that police were investigating several images
discovered on his home PC appearing to show Bungle and Geoffrey in
compromising sexual activities with Rod, Jane and Freddy.
A
couple of days later, the German police issue a statement saying they
had already dismissed the investigation as the images were more
chucklesome than illegal.
-
An overweight, balding single man in his 50s browses the toiletries
section. Weeping silently, he selects a bottle of gunk 'Recommended by
David Beckham"
-
A Cricket Historian listens to Simon & Garkfunkle's 'Sound of
Silence' whilst driving past all the locations he was bullied as a
child.
A young college girl in Doc Martens, Parka and Ramones
T-Shirt, with no appreciation of music, popular culture, or indeed
anything prior to her first S Club 7 single in 2003.
-
Britain's most recent millionaire is asked for his food order at a restaurant.
He
replies: "I think I'll have the.....FUCCCCCKKKINNNN
EVERYTTHHHHIIIIIIIIINNNNNNNNGG AHAHAHAHAHAHAA AHAHAHAAHAHAHAAH *looking
directly into the eyes of the waiter* AHAHAHAHAHAHA AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!"
-
Syd Little eagerly awaits his copy of Stamp Collector monthly to
arrive in the post, only to be crushed by the discovery that's he's been
passed over by the establishment for a Comedy Greats stamp in favour of
Lenny Henry.
Would've meant sharing it with Eddie, but it would've
made it all worthwhile having something to prove to people he was still a
somebody, up there with The Two Ronnies & French & Saunders.
The phone rings - he can't bring himself to answer it *knowing* it'll be
yet another bullying/gloating call from him.
-
A borderline-retarded pug coughs up a half chewed glans from a
custom order Hulk Hogan dildo (amidst an amorphous mass containing
expired dog food, cheap lager and three potato chips) right on to a pair
of stolen bowling alley shoes worn by an art student with stupid hair.
They are the only shoes he owns.
Meanwhile, a 45 year old woman
with alopecia and strange squint ponders what happened to her favourite
toy, "Sidewinder". Her mind quickly moves to her marriage with her
husband who has no erectile problems whatsoever, but will not have sex
with her.
-
A fat slug of a woman gets a bus 60 yards. She wheezes and
sweats as she gets off, heading straight for the chip shop, the
smell of grease and vinegar acting as a beacon.
-
A young man who has achieved little in his life observes a woman
thirty years into a career in the care sector to be a fat slug, and
memorises it for later posting on a culturally moribund UK comedy forum.
-
A sad 9 year old girl referees a low quality snooker match between
her distant father and distance-staring older brother, in the family
double garage. Father strings out a nasal exhalation when she re-spots
the yellow on the green spot, before going ghostly silent when she
attempts to make light of her error with a cutesy lil giggle.
-
A youth in a reverse baseball cap and Marty McFly pumps (in 2015),
blaps his elderly grandmother as she sleeps in her care home bed. He
updates his Twitter account with '#nanablaps lol' and laughs his tiny
stupid cock off.
-
A
youth in a reverse baseball cap and Marty McFly pumps (in 2015), blaps
his elderly grandmother as she sleeps in her care home bed. He updates
his Twitter account with '#nanablaps lol' and laughs his tiny stupid
cock off.
A
youth feels a sense of being an outsider and time passing by too fast,
even on a UK comedy forum, when he realises he has no idea what "blaps"
means.
-
what is blaps?
-
It's divorcee night at Flairz in Lytham St Annes.
-
Bless you piss flaps.
Blaps
-
I wouldn't recommend performing a Google Image search of blaps, especially in the workplace.
-
A Reddit subscriber fails the 'No-Fap' challenge on Day 1 after spotting his grandmother's bra strap through her top.
A
Betamax Enthusiast writes 'Whore' on a mirror underneath his own
reflection, before torturing a moth with a lighter. It will be the first
of many.
A Kooks fan with Sideshow Bob hair, cries at an indie
disco after seeing his unrequited Oneitis girl go off with a Maroon 5
fan, who will shag her once, ignore her texts, then discard her like
yesterday's Jam.
-
"DRIVER, STOP, MAUDE'S MUDDLED 'ERSELF," crows a miserable old bag just moments after Metcalfe's Mystery Tours coach sets pulls onto a listless A road, destination: Bridlington.
-
1am. Taunton. A pervert has a crushing moment of clarity while sifting through a creche's nappie bin for the good stuff.
An
irredeemably unattractive middle-aged man makes a clumsy and
unsuccessful pass at a young cashier in Lloyds. He goes home and starts
writing threatening letters to Prince William.
-
A bunch of scruffy, impoverished, 1960s urchins fight for pennies in
a Salford gutter, thrown by a passing George Best from his Jaguar
E-Type. A few minutes later, Bobby Charlton also drives past, but yells
at them to get out the fucking way.
-
A selfish cat coils out a massive, messy shit on a paisley rug,
forcing it's 91 year old owner to get down on her ancient, arthritic
knees, and scrub the offending horror out, until her massive, bony
knuckles and little sparrow-heart can barely take it anymore.
Later
that day, she struggles to penetrate the protective wrapper of an
Iceland Chicken Korma, using her late husband's diabetes needle.
The chicken korma is out of date, and looks and smells exactly like the cat shit. She eats it anyway.
-
Two disturbed brothers play cricket, using their sister's hamster as a makeshift ball.
-
Gok Wan sells yoghurt on tv.
-
Somebody sending you images of 'blue waffles disease' on Facebook messenger for a laugh.
-
A middle aged woman cries herself to sleep on the sofa again following another blazing argument with her boyfriend.
This is her boyfriend.
(http://cdn.dealsdirect.net/m/products/578/80578/10/product5_80578_600x600.jpg?file=The+Boyfriend+Pillow+60+x+48+x10cm)
http://www.dealsdirect.com.au/the-boyfriend-pillow-60-48-x10cm-1/
-
A police detective attempts to solve a murder by farting on the crime scene.
-
A chav couple from Eastbourne name their newborn twins Dappy and Thor.
-
An Ipswich sandwich artist begins to regret posting "Batman seeks cat woman" on a local dating website.
-
A ginger haired man is delighted at the first signs of baldness.
-
Do you remember that Timothy Spall radio ad for British Gas's 'free
family swim' from a couple of years ago. Well, a free family swim.
Actually all Timothy Spall radio ads for British Gas fucking boiler
insurance or whatever it was. Suck the life out of the nation mate
while you get your cheque.
-
Dear Mr Windross
Thank you for your "Crumble the Hippo,"
range of healthy puddings for children, submissions. Although
interesting, unfortunately we are not looking to supplement our existing
ranges with
The rejection letter was torn up at this point
before Windross's rage then lust then rageful lust turned to the happy,
lipstick-wearing stuffed hippo toy he'd commisioned a local knitter to
knit him up. Soon he would attempt to spoonfeed the drenched hippo a
tasty bowl of cinnamon and kale crunch wangers
-
An overweight 24-year-old who works as a janitor at a children's
arcade is hit and killed by a passing minivan after having gotten out of
his own vehicle to retrieve the roadkill carcass of a deer in order to
have sex with it.
-
Middle aged bald fan of the Texas Chainsaw film series, dresses up
as titular character on a drizzly depressed afternoon, has to pop to the
corner shop for a glass of milk and is beaten to death by a lairy group
of 8 year olds.
Bald middle aged man draws his curtains on a
bright afternoon, shutting out the sunlight, as he prepares to
masturbate, full mast. A few strong beams of light sear through the gaps
in the curtains and he can see how dusty the air is. His cock goes
floppy.
Man with a bald head and 40 years to his name hangs
himself, no-one notices until the smell seeps under his door. His
neighbour of 14 years notices the smell as she's walking past with a
friend. "Urggh, what's that smell?" "Think its coming from your
neighbour's, smells like hes died." "Nah, he smells like that usually,
the stinking cunt." "Ha-ha-ha. Yeah."
After 72 hours of labour,
an expectant mother strains and struggles to push, she can see her baby
emerging, she pushes and pushes until its fully born. She starts crying
instantly. She sees her baby, its a middle aged bald man, her screams
ring throughout the hospital, as the little baby adorns the miserable
face it wear and grow used to for the rest of its sad, bald, middle aged
life.
A 7 year old dog with alopecia starts whimpering for food,
its 1 hour too early though, it stares at its own with its sad eyes.
The owner is fixated on Countdown, wondering when Richard Whiteley is
coming back. He hears dull thumping as he sees the dog menacingly
squeezing shit out of its arse onto the carpet. Nick Hewer does his
nonsensical sign off for Countdown, as the owner of the dog bludgeons
himself to death with the TV Times.
-
The summer intern in charge of the snack cart in the liposuction
ward fleeces an obese man for all of his unemployment benefits selling
him crisps. The obese man gains weight during his stay and dies of heart
failure, the intern goes to university and uses the money to buy lots
of date rape drugs.
-
A man with Caligula hair masturbates solemnly over a Nazi History
book, whilst gently caressing his hairy, gelatinous moobs with a broken
afro comb.
-
A potter from Bamberg carefully applies a label to his latest completed jar of spit.
-
(https://fbcdn-photos-c-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-xta1/v/t1.0-0/11115601_10153282035311042_6466028729196383621_n.jpg?efg=eyJpIjoidCJ9&oh=c375471d377e60826f2953be0d169227&oe=55B89CA5&__gda__=1433789928_47894061e432accf2070de5a6173a9e1)
-
38 year old regional Toys R Us assistant manager Pat Turley is on a
park bench enjoying the schadenfraude of a puffed up male pigeon
persevering in vain with several female pigeons. "Ahaha...flew off, you
prick. Does not want to know. Give it up, mate. Oh wait, no. He's trying
it on with this one. She's just seen you with that other one, she's not
an idiot. Yep, walking off, look. What are you doing, you dickhead?
Following her. You're weak. WEAK. Look what you look like all puffed up.
She could not give a tin shit. Ridiculous. Stop walking in front of
her. If it was going to have happened it would have happened by now,
dickhead. That's right, love, ignore him. Is this pigeon bothering you,
miss? Ahahaha. Fucking hell, mate, take a hint. You're undesirable. Not
even a pigeon will fuck you."
Two hours later, dusk. Two pigeons
begin to mate before Pat Turley suddenly and viciously kicks the male in
the pond. He begins the six mile walk home, snarling "No-one is getting laid tonight."
-
Stan Bowles invents the bacon wank
-
(http://news.bbcimg.co.uk/media/images/82005000/jpg/_82005974_lord'sfathertimedown.jpg)
-
A faded skidmark in a toilet u-bend is the only surviving reminder
of recently-deceased war veteran Albert. He was the nicest, kindest old
man you could ever wish to meet, but he had no family, and most of his
friends died thanks to Adolf. A meals on wheels delivery driver and a
blind former Rabbi are the only attendees at his cremation.
-
On a severely overpacked and delayed Friday night train at dickhead
o'clock, a coked up, rat faced 38 year old letting agent with more gel
than hair on his scalp loudly declares Jeremy Clarkson to be a "fucking
legend" and in no uncertain terms offers the option of physical violence
to any opposing view.
-
A Chuckle Brother dies first.
-
...while the other one screams in the back, about to join him.
-
His face said "I want to die". His hat said "Happy birthday!"
(http://i58.tinypic.com/jt3uys.png)
-
(http://i58.tinypic.com/jt3uys.png)
That smoke did fuck Jon Snow up good and proper, right enough.
-
A fat man in a tiny sports car gives himself a blowjob with a
car-vac at a grimy Esso garage in Carlisle. The suction runs out just as
he reaches the vinegar strokes.
-
A Chuckle Brother dies first.
while the other one vainly tries to break the cockpit door.
-
An obese karaoke queen has a heart attack during a rendition of The Day The Music Died.
-
An obese karaoke king sings the same love song every week whilst
giving the young barmaid the eye. Afterwards he wanks to the thought of
her in his crusty old flat before falling asleep in front of re-runs of Bonzai.
-
His face said "I want to die". His hat said "Happy birthday!"
(http://i58.tinypic.com/jt3uys.png)
Overhill ?
-
A John Nettles fan kicks the wing mirror off a Fiesta at lunch.
-
After losing at Candy Crush, again, a trainee butcher smashes a severed pigs head in with a hammer.
A pensioner spits in a horses face.
A recent divorcee kicks his ex wife's retarded labrador square in the arsehole.
-
Barry Hearn snorts coke off a bollard while checking to see if anyone's looking.
-
Lunch. One small sliced onion. Boiled in water & half a teaspoon of Marmite.
-
Kind hearted financier who is ashamed of his profession and resents
his parents for pushing into the career is drenched with thick red paint
by dreadlocked protesters, he carries on without a flinch or flicker of
emotion. Like a slaughtered animal, he leaves a trail of red throughout
the firm's lobby, he drips red in the elevator in an atmosphere of
snooty silence, he sits at his desk, perfectly static and drips
everywhere. He looks across his desk at his paper spike and he lashes
back his head and swings it onto the metal nail. As people notice, there
are slight murmurs before someone shouts "We've got another one, get
the wheelbarrow-" as they notice the impaled man still spasming "-and my
heavy boots", the man with a spike in his forehead holds onto his dying
final moments of consciousness, and just before the man's stamp
descends upon his head, he hears the plucky new guy arrive with his
plastic milk crate of stuff saying "Ha, what a pussy, breaking necks and
stacking cheques, bitches" and his last thought flies through his head
as one side of his skull meets the other - "Thanks mum and dad."
-
A yellow discounted price sticker is applied to a tub of coleslaw
-
A shy lad shits himself on a shuggy boat during a school trip at a
theme park, whilst sat next to the girl he fancies. His classmates mock
him mercilessly all the way home and label him Paul da Poo. He is
ridiculed all through his remaining school years and grows up into an
angry, reclusive virgin who stares at buses and tortures spiders.
-
A small dog's head comes off on a crowded bouncy castle at a birthday party.
-
A
shy lad shits himself on a shuggy boat during a school trip at a theme
park, whilst sat next to the girl he fancies. His classmates mock him
mercilessly all the way home and label him Paul da Poo. He is ridiculed
all through his remaining school years and grows up into an angry,
reclusive virgin who stares at buses and tortures spiders.
...before finding his spiritual home on a bald man's comedy forum in a thread entitled "Desolation".
-
At a charity gala, a property tycoon unveils a frieze of his wife being footed by his golf caddy.
-
The smell of his ex girlfriends perfume sends an emotionally
crippled man into fits of tears on a central line tube at rush hour.
People try to move away but they can't.
Spit as lubricant.
A beautiful sunny fresh spring day is happening, he hasn't opened his curtains for 6 months, the glow of the laptop is enough.
On their 29th wedding anniversary a couple celebrate by spending the entire day ignoring each other.
Phil
has a moment of crises after passing what looks exactly like a scaled
up wotsit. He then remembers the 4 packs of tangy cheese doritos he
polished off when he stumbled in from the pub last night. After the
initial relief he's taken over by feelings of overwhelming melancholia.
He heads off to the pub.
-
A loving husband walks into his living room on Father's Day to be
confronted by the sight of his wife and two daughters engrossed in their
respective Iphones. The faint hue of the screens beaming back on their
blank, numb faces like a disturbed image from some futuristic dystopian
nightmare. Except it's happening, right here, right now. 'Morning' he
says - nobody replies. He makes his own breakfast, he goes up to the
spare room and has a wank over a picture of Barbara Windsor, now.
-
A sozzled and elderly Phil Cool gurns playfully at a five year old
girl with pink bunny ears in a South Thanet pub. Police arrive at the
scene within five minutes.
-
A man's feet hurts as he walks along the pebbles of a crap beach.
-
Hopeful writer gets rejection letter, told the book about "domestic
issues" isn't what they are looking for, but the short story about the
paranormal drug dealing rapist is promising, as its the direction
they've been looking to go into, for some time.
Young man gets large Aztec tattoo on his leg.
Man does magic tricks he's taught himself at a party as a replacement for a personality.
Man tells shit jokes at a party as a replacement for a personality.
Man wears a mankini at a party as a replacement for a personality.
Man
has a private breakdown at a party, confessing to another lonely soul
that he has no personality, during his sobbing he reveals that he also
had his nipples pierced, all sympathy is lost and he's incinerated out
of mercy.
House is fumigated. A family of birds are trapped in
the attic and their excruciating calls signal their last moments. The
family finds out years later when they go up to the attic to find a
tramp in a gas mask chewing on dead birds.
-
A deer watches a farmhand pissing on a nettle.
-
A middle-aged woman returns home early from work to find her husband
stood naked in front of a mirror miming to Kaiser Chiefs.
An old
man who doesn't even need to take laxatives, deliberately takes
extra-strong laxatives, forcing his Nigerian carer to wipe his arse much
more than is really necessary. It's the nearest either of them gets to
sexual intercourse these days.
The man who played Gonch in Grange Hill has a disappointing Toby Carvery on a shit Tuesday.
-
Darren's Fray Bentos flips off the oven tray and goes all over the floor.
Of the kennel.
-
After finally securing half an hour's internet access in a run-down
provincial library, a balding 37 year old phimosis victim posts a
slightly fictionalised version of an incident from his own life in a
discussion thread on a once popular internet forum. As his allocated
time ticks away, he waits with breathless anticipation for what has
become the only form of validation he ever receives.
No karma.
-
weekender finally gets around to Googling what phimosis is, then wishes he hadn't bothered.
-
Clive sits at a one legged table in a service station, its a quiet
early morning. He sips on a styrofoam cup of tea and burns his tongue. A
group of teenagers walk past and mumble something to themselves whilst
looking indiscreetly at Clive - "[inaudible noun] wanker" - he didn't
catch the first word. He restrains the feelings of perplexity, annoyance
and misery from washing over his face as he watches their
vulture-necked giggling. He decides to cut his stop short. He throws his
tea in a nearby bin, but the lid falls off. The contents spill onto the
floor and onto his trousers. He puts on a brave face and smiles faintly
as people walk past, watching him mopping up the brown puddle with tiny
napkin after tiny napkin, it didn't seem to be doing much. He dabs
himself, but it looks like he's pissed himself. He finishes cleaning up
the mess on the floor, and a lone man walks past and says, without
stopping, "You've missed a bit" then laughs to himself, before
shouting "and it looks like you've pissed yourself", a brief pause
before muttering under his breath,"wanker." Clive walks back to his car,
on his way to a 4-day work conference on Child Poverty in the Third
World, ran by a multinational as a PR exercise. He sticks his keys into
the ignition, and a young enthusiastic radio presenter's voice fills his
ears. Only 250 miles more to Grimsby.
-
A timid nonce decides to sport a neckerchief to a gaybar. He
is subjected to ridicule from a pre-op tranny with a homemade camel toe.
A budding alcoholic wakes up in a piss soaked bed,
stumbles into the depressed kitchen and finds the uneaten chips and
curry sauce from the night before. He tips it out as one
gelatinous whole, slices it like a terrine and puts it onto
buttered rolls.
A middle class bitch has a panic attack when she
visits Lidl for the first time. Never again, she mutters as
she shakily drives into a Waitrose car park.
-
A non-league footballer terrifies his stepdaughter by holding a dead
shrew up to her face, before volleying it full pelt into the side of a
burnt out telephone box.
-
A 10 year old wide boy goads an effeminate classmate into shitting onto a swing for disabled kids.
Two
teenagers on magic mushrooms piss themselves laughing at an
uncoordinated, autistic loner playing lawn bowls, by himself. Over
the stillness of the park, he hears their every word, it destroys
him.
A man treats his nephew to a Kinder Surprise every week and always delights in surreptitiously stealing one piece of the toy.
-
A pair of awkward, giggly young sisters mime nervously to a
Transition Vamp song in front of an assembled crowd of parents, distant
aunts and grandparents, in 1989. A power cut halts proceedings halfway
through. 'Thank fuck for that' mumbles their elderly, racist,
soon-to-be-dead grandad - just loud enough to be heard by the
now-inconsolable siblings.
-
A cuckolded and thoroughly cunted wholesaler from Nuneaton loses his
balance in the toilet and finds his hands covered in a putrid
semi-coagulated piss slime. The soap dispenser delivers a dollop of pink
sticky gunk to his palm. There is no water. There is never any water.
Welcome to Southern trains.
-
New episode of My Little Pony airs. 24 hours later there are over a
dozen pages of explicit porn dedicated to this episode on R34. An aging
man displaying the first signs of male pattern baldness hungrily
masturbates to pictures of a brightly coloured cartoon horse getting
rimmed.
Then he logs on to Cookdandbombd to tell his internet friends about it.
-
More from my dads now deceased 106 year old aunt.
My mum went
to the funeral last week. The crematorium saw only 6 mourners. My mum,
my sister, my mums college friend who is a missionary nun and just
visiting from Africa (biopsy), Stuart, the aunts son, his cousin and a
carer from the home where she died. Stuart's brother Granville did not
make the journey from Australia to Huddersfield. "Well, there's no point
in visiting the dead if he didn't want to visit the living" was
Stuart's acerbic observation.
Anyway, apparently whilst she was
in the home for nigh on the last decade, Stuart has been spending 2
nights a week at her home keeping it tidy. The boiler broke last year so
he bought an electric heater and brings a flask of hot water for
washing and tea. The weeks before she died, he was at the house full
time sorting through papers. After her death he returned to his
bungalow near Skipton to find the neighbours had built a large
conservatory and his once fine view is now a brick wall.
My mum
suggested he gets himself to the library to learn about computers and he
could try and transfer his old films onto digital. "I've got more
urgent things to keep me busy, Maureen"... Presumably the conservatory
wall and broken boiler.
A cold wind blows through my soul.
-
A man with terrible stage fright desperately tries to hold in a
massive poo in a pubic toilet while an endless procession of people
visit the trap next door noisily enjoy dropping their own faecal
payloads.
-
That strange feeling of inadequacy when you hear the resounding
solid splash in the cubicle next to you and contrasting it with your own
pitiful squibs.
-
A middle-aged man sits down to his Christmas dinner: a McDonald's
happy meal served on a plate in his cold, empty house. He arranges the
chips in the shape of a Christmas tree. The accompanying My Little Pony
toy sits beside him, his only present.
-
A autistic man with no direction in life is cajoled into 'learning computers'.
A fragile schizophrenic huffs a bag of petrol in a Timpsons doorway.
A non entity wakes up and checks his Facebook.
-
Your dog turns down the opportunity to lick smothered food off of your testicles.
You reminisce about the good old days of your dog licking smothered food off of your testicles.
Making jokes about dogs licking smothered food off of their owner's testicles at 3am.
-
A suicide encouragement company makes it into the FTSE 100 for the
first time. During the Panorama investigaion into the way the
organisation works everyone involved in the programme buys into the
propaganda and kills themself, donating all their money and possesions
to the cause. Except that is for Alan Yentob who goes on to be the first
human to live to 150.
A middle aged woman volunteering for an
event at her teenaged son's school has to overhear a long laughter
filled conversation from girls in her son's class sitting at a nearby
table about how his penis "looks like a wotsit". She now knows who the
father is, almost seventeen years too late.
A man in his late 20s
unashamedly asks his younger colleagues whether cancer can ever be
contagious. They pretend not to know as a joke. No one involved gets any
satisfaction from this though, or from anything ever again.
-
After
her death he returned to his bungalow near Skipton to find the
neighbours had built a large conservatory and his once fine view is now a
brick wall.
Possibly he could consult the council about this. Either that or torch it.
-
Heading out to the all-night offie at 5am having conceded defeat in a
frustrating grapple with anxiety-related insomnia, a relatively new CaB
poster spots a smashed-up Easter egg in the gutter right next to an
upturned tricycle and resolves to mention it in the Desolation thread,
but instead gets spannered on Polish lager and forgets about it until
seven hours later.
-
celebrating wearing shorts
http://www.cookdandbombd.co.uk/forums/index.php/topic,47319.0.html
-
An 8 year old boy beats up his first hooker on Grand Theft Auto. He
grows up into a fat misogynist bully with a heart murmur.
The
last ever thing a rabbit sees are badly-calibrated Xenon
headlights bearing down on it, from the front of an ancient Vauxhall
Corsa. It is Easter Sunday.
A drunken Rotherham woman emits a
phlegmy cackle after standing up to have a piss in an Oxfam doorway on a
busy Saturday afternoon.
A modern-day Alf Garnett witnesses a gay wedding in Brixton and says 'Oh I fucking give up.'
-
A pale fat man in his fifties sunbathes on a cold, sunny spring day.
In the distance, 20 year old renault clios with loud exhausts can be
heard driving too fast on a 30mph road, people with entirely straight
faces light barbecues, someone writes about it on the internet
This is spring 2015
-
Chipping a tooth on a cling-wrap ball.
Diving into the sea,
landing exactly nose-first on a jellyfish, only it's not a jellyfish,
it's a discarded condom, only it stings just as much.
Someone points out you've had jam on your tits for weeks.
Crisps that aren't crisp.
Losing your Monday mornings to an osteopath who always cancels.
Bandana sale.
-
An aging man with chronic impotence gets a tattoo of an erect penis
on his flaccid penis to try and inspire it. It works, but when expanded
the tattoo looks like a David Cronenberg monster which scares the man so
he becomes flaccid again. This continues ad infinitum, while his wife
gets a tattoo of Ouroboros on her hip just to annoy him.
A
soldier who can't take being told what to do goes all Vincent D'Onofrio
in Full Metal Jacket, but due to his ineptitude nobody dies. Instead the
bullet meant for himself goes out the window and kills the last red
squirrel in the world.
-
Bandana Sale is a new level of desolation.
I don't know which is worse:
Bandana Sale - Croydon mid-November, cold and drizzly
Bandana Sale - Porto Novo, Mid-June 2015, hot and humid
-
A tired man sits on a partially melted fragment of Easter Egg in
mid-November at London Paddington before perusing a shop selling
discounted bandanas. He buys a Hulk Hogan endorsed one and uses it to
wipe the ruddy brown stain from his beige slacks.
A tired man
sits on a partially melted slab of cacao outside King Toffa's Palace in
mid-June before perusing a shop selling discounted bandana. He buys a
Romuald Hazoumè endorsed one and uses it to wipe the ruddy brown stain
from his garish bermuda shorts.
Years later, the two tired,
bandana'd men confront each other in Paris Charles de Gaulle after some
confusion at a Leonidas chocolate shop. Tired man 1 is beaten
unconscious by tired man 2 with a 90% dark chocolate 1kg bar. Both men
end up stained and in custody.
-
A baby gorilla in a nappy shivers in the dark corner of a crap Zoo.
An audience of toddlers and mentally ill people point and laugh at it.
A
widow asks her son Martin, 43, when he's going to start bringing girls
round. He's too engrossed in a Wrestling video to reply.
The most
exciting thing to happen all week for Call Centre worker Jeff is the
wrong call-type being routed briefly into his department. After a while,
the fault is fixed by a boring man in overalls and the tedium of his
life is resumed. 'Something to tell the grandkids' he chuckles to
himself. There will be no grandkids.
-
A dripping Dr L Ridderson persuades Mrs Calfbridge that women's left
nipples can be used as a direct listening portal to the heart.
-
On an unbearably hot Salisbury day, a man with Professor Weeto hair
eats some bad sushi prior to an important job interview, and craps
himself silly beneath a faded Michael Macintyre tour poster, with nary a
handkerchief in sight.
A wide boy congratulates an elderly war
veteran on his Swag, then does a 'Braaaap' pistol stance at his adoptive
mother. He is 31.
A young Tesco Express employee loses his
baseball cap whilst running for a bus, exposing his gnarled, stupid,
bald, scabby head to a gaggle of pretty college girls. The bus pulls out
of the station in a cloud of acrid fumes. He will never know what it's
like to ejaculate inside another human being.
-
Man hears wife belittle his unsuccessful dreams as "silly little
hobby that is embarrassing for a 40 year old man, I love him but you
know", Bill finally organises a trip to the dump for his collection of
novelty karaoke dildos, he sobs at the wheel of his car as he hears a
12" rubber tube vibrate to the tune of 'Joseph and the Amazing
Technicolor Dreamcoat', the flashing lights make his crying head giggle,
but that only creates a contrast of emotion that causes him to start
wailing. Deborah stands at the living room window, watching staunchly,
she's finally broke him, she sets her mind next to his horde of vintage
cookery butt plugs.
-
A smirking pig faced arsehole films his girlfriend accidentally
defecating as she painfully gives birth to the first of many thoroughly
doomed children. He puts it on youtube later the same day and spends the
rest of his life genuinely believing he is an excellent human being.
-
An academic young lad opens his GCSE results in front of his anxious but excited family.
It just says "SHIT."
-
A deaf woman receives an innovative new type of cochlear implant,
allowing her to hear her husband and children for the first time. She
removes the implant 24 hours later.
-
A blind wife sits unaware on her sofa listening and laughing at
something Ian Hislop said on Have I Got News For You, as her husband
silently sexually abuses his son whilst pretending to be talking about
school, the husband ejaculates as Timmy calmly tells him about the cloak
rooms being re-arranged, the wife can smell the cum and sweat and fear
and lust but says nothing, they're never invited back on to goggle box.
-
A forty-two-year-old woman in a wheelchair - its back weighed down
by boxes of cat food - propels herself slowly along the pavement.
Her eight-year-old daughter saunters along slightly behind her, annoyed
that she wasn't allowed to stay in the pet shop playing with her
schoolfriend. Finally she speaks.
'I can't wait until Hollyoaks.'
(I told her at the time that anyone passing would have thought it was bleak. She disagreed.)
-
A hen weekend in Blackpool reaches critical mass as The Hen pisses herself in a queue for chips. It is 3pm
A hedgehog is drop kicked into a slurry pit by a snaggle toothed benefits cheat.
A
man spends all his giro on scratchcards. He is elated to win £20
from one. He spends it in Farmfoods on frozen doner kebabs and
Monster Munch.
-
A man, around 34 years of age, revisits a nightclub he frequented in
his youth, and soon realises that the odds of hearing Blur's 'Parklife'
and James' 'Sit Down' are very, very remote indeed.
-
A person on the autistic spectrum gets their favouritest song in the
whole world played on an internet radio station via a facebook request -
them and the dj are the only people listening.
-
A Welshman has a heart attack in a Premier Inn during a Four Nations
game. His friends crowd round to help him, shouting 'We're not going to
let you die, Gwyndaf, we're not going to let you die!'
He dies.
-
An hairy Flid loses his Wanking Attachment and is caught while repurposing a Selfie Stick.
A
family of incestuous Hillbillies from Dumfries treat a day out in
Glasgow as an annual holiday. On the train, in both
directions, they indulge in cocktail sausages and weak lager.
An undercooked boiled egg is peeled and served to a Harwich councillor on holiday in Gretna. It ruins his weekend.
-
For the first time in 6 days tonight I cooked myself some dinner.
Landlady has just gone through with air freshener as if I've done a shit
on the carpet.
She cooks up huge pots of curry and leaves it on
the hob for days so that it stinks up the entire house. I cook some
potatoes and fish and I've done a terrible thing.
-
A married man has a wank in the garage after he sees his son's girlfriend coming out the bathroom in a towel.
-
A crepe fanatic throws a bowl of batter through the open door of a
busy family restaurant on pancake day. When he gets home his wife has
left him, taking everything with her except the thick bottomed frying
pan.
-
A man in his late 50s composes an SMS to his estranged lesbian
daughter, he ends the text with a colon and a close parenthesis after
seeing someone do it on Coronation Street. His mobile network operator
charge him £450 + VAT as it is qualifies as an MMS. Unable and unwilling
to pay the charge he kills himself by drinking Tesco value bleach.
-
It wasn't air freshener. It was fly spray. She's just told me about
all the flies she keeps noticing. Probably all the food she leaves about
the kitchen and the fact she keeps going out and leaving the back door
open. Funny that because keeping the back door shut at all times was one
of her main rules when she moved in.
Edit - I know I'm doing this thread wrong.
-
A
man in his late 50s composes an SMS to his estranged lesbian daughter,
he ends the text with a colon and a close parenthesis after seeing
someone do it on Coronation Street. His mobile network operator charge
him £450 + VAT as it is qualifies as an MMS. Unable and unwilling to pay
the charge he kills himself by drinking Tesco value bleach that he
bought from the dodgy corner shop for 56 quid.
Mr Patel, the
owner of the dodgy corner shop spends the 56 quid on a live sex cam
featuring the dead man's daughter and a Hungarian dominatrix.
-
Kensington, 1971. A fusty old colonel repeatedly slaps his flaccid
penis on the buttocks of a Persian rent boy in his mahogany-clad attic.
Neither of them live to see the 1980s.
A woman who believes in
animal horoscopes and planetary alignments, treats herself to a
Convertible Ford Ka with rust issues, as a substitute for the love of
another human being.
Pubic hair, congealed Edam and a piece of faded gammon, blocking the plughole of a Dulwich peadophile.
-
(http://i.imgur.com/qiaIohC.jpg)
-
A age-worn and ragged Mystic Meg writhes in ecstasy, off her face on
prescription medication, to the Patrick Cowley remix of I Feel Love in a
Luton shopping Mall, naked and sweaty.
A 36 year old burger van enthusiast comments "Is that Robert Kilroy-Silk?"
-
A failed science teacher sketches a hideous portait of a married
colleague - with much larger breasts than in real life - using a stolen
Argos pencil, a snapped crayon, and a Facebook image of her taken 6
years ago - which is also his desktop background (stretched).
Mr Benn's old shop is turned into a Halal Mart, run by an unsmiling proprietor with dead flies in the window.
-
This thread is still missing out on real desolation. A middle-aged
married man resents his wife and kid despite relying utterly on them for
his social life, meals and the salary that provides the roof over his
head
-
This
thread is still missing out on real desolation. A middle-aged married
man resents his wife and kid despite relying utterly on them for his
social life, meals and the salary that provides the roof over his head
How do you know my dad?
-
A diarrhoea-ridden middle-aged pervert of indeterminate gender considers the prospect of watching The Human Centipede II while eating a bowl of Coco Pops.
-
Six egg sandwiches in the freezer for the weekend.
-
an egg sandwich seems vastly superior to the fried eggs and grits I'm having now
-
A young man tugs hard through the tears, born in the wrong
generation, too late to wed Jan Leeming, too late to experience Margate
Lido's prime, too late, all too far late, except those humble vinegar
strokes; they come fast and often.
-
A Chuckle Brother dies after a senseless, ASBO-aggravated, WKD and
poppers fuelled assault by a couple of scrotey 17 year old proto-drug
dealers. Who set about caving his head in with a metal handled cane
stolen from a semi-mobile pensioner at their Post Office.
The
remaining Chuckle, dressed in a black tuxedo tracksuit, bashes his
clenched fists off the lid of the home-made pine coffin and wails a
plaintive cry to the heavens. The camera closes in as he faces up to
curse god and we see all the hair up his nose.
-
A ruddy, snarling cowboy builder roars, spits and blindly ejects a
half eaten molten pastie out of his filthy, bald tyred van's passenger
window, it lands in a child's pushchair.
His half-witted, acne
ridden, 18 year old gyppo 'apprentice' passenger Keith "hur hurr"s
showing off his 10 remaining teeth. The Doppler effect takes his
laughter as the lava-hot pastie cheese burns the into face of a fully
strapped in and already loudly crying child whom the mother has left
tied up with the dog while she buys scratchcards.
The dog
eventually eats the disfiguring pastry along with a bit of the kids
face. It is put down upon discovery. The mother is jailed for neglect,
the absent father for owning and abandoning a dangerous dog without
paperwork. These are not first convictions.
The now partially
faced child is sent to live with her disturbed and increasingly senile
grandparents who unwittinly abuse her by overfeeding her and keeping her
indoors. She emerges 12 years and 22 stone later on a stolen night out
where she meets the now 30 year old cowboy builders apprentice, Keith.
He
gets her high on poppers and WKD and they kill a Chuckle Brother
together then go home and fuck like pigs. Obviously she has a
miscarriage but they try again and get twins who they call Baz and Daz.
Then they grow up and steal your car and shit through your letterbox.
-
A
ruddy, snarling cowboy builder roars, spits and blindly ejects a half
eaten molten pastie out of his filthy, bald tyred van's passenger
window, it lands in a child's pushchair.
His half-witted, acne
ridden, 18 year old gyppo 'apprentice' passenger Keith "hur hurr"s
showing off his 10 remaining teeth. The Doppler effect takes his
laughter as the lava-hot pastie cheese burns the into face of a fully
strapped in and already loudly crying child whom the mother has left
tied up with the dog while she buys scratchcards.
The dog
eventually eats the disfiguring pastry along with a bit of the kids
face. It is put down upon discovery. The mother is jailed for neglect,
the absent father for owning and abandoning a dangerous dog without
paperwork. These are not first convictions.
The now partially
faced child is sent to live with her disturbed and increasingly senile
grandparents who unwittinly abuse her by overfeeding her and keeping her
indoors. She emerges 12 years and 22 stone later on a stolen night out
where she meets the now 30 year old cowboy builders apprentice, Keith.
He
gets her high on poppers and WKD and they kill a Chuckle Brother
together then go home and fuck like pigs. Obviously she has a
miscarriage but they try again and get twins who they call Baz and Daz.
Then they grow up and steal your car and shit through your letterbox.
Beautiful. When's the film coming out?
-
He'd put the tin of stewing steak into his pocket without anyone
seeing, well everyone apart from the little girl who was eating some
crisps down the end of the aisle. She gave him a puzzling look as he
slowly moved away towards the meat deli counter. For the next few
minutes he wandered about the supermarket, occasionally hearing what he
thought was the little girl talking to her mother. He though he could
snatches of the girl saying something like "You get what you pay for".
He
decided to pick up a newspaper so it would at least look as if he was
buying something. The little girl was now far over the side of the shop,
he could just get the paper, go to the self service checkout and be out
of there in minutes.
"The Sun or The Star?" he thought to
himself as he lurked in front of the newspaper display. Picking up The
Sun he started to walk towards the self service checkout past a small
promo display of nuts. Unfortunately he didn't notice the empty packet
of crisps that had been discarded on the floor.
It all happened
in seconds, he stepped on the discarded crisp packet, lost his footing,
tripped and fell backwards pulling the small display of nuts with him.
He heard various packets of nuts rip apart as some loose peanuts fell
into his still gaping mouth. Then he tried to scream as he felt his
windpipe start to swell up. Damn his peanut allergy. The last image he
saw before he suffocated to death was the sight of the little girl
looking down at him and smiling. "Naughty Man gets what's coming to him"
she whispered as she carried on eating her packet of dry roasted
peanuts.
-
A learner driver reverses into a horse, snapping equestrian ankles.
As the animal collapses, the third page from a copy of The Sun - torn
out for safekeeping, and then lost, by a guilty vicar - drifts along the
pavement and onto its face.
-
A gang of paedophiles disown one of their longest serving colleagues
for admitting he likes a little bit of bush. He cries in the vestry as
they conduct the sunday sermon. #shitsatire
-
Her heart sinks as the airport security decide to manually search
through her bag. All it contains is a small bag full of cock rings, a
pregnancy test and a box of seroquel.
-
#boyfriendtime #relationshipgoals #labellavita #lovingit
-
A flea-ridden bogey encrusted product of incest stops to tie the
shoelaces on her clubfoot for the 14th time in the last 5 minutes. She
asks a pedestrian for "fnelf".
A pedestrian informs her that her shoes are fastened by velcro.
-
In his elderly parents' bungalow, a naive and siblingless eighteen
year old spends two hours getting dressed up to the nines before setting
out for last knockings at the local in his tiny market town on an
indifferent Monday night in January. Suit, buffed shoes, Brylcreemed
hair, the works. They ring the final bell just as he opens the door.
-
Kurt Kobain is Dead
Bono isn't
-
A Christmas tree glimpsed through a third floor window in June.
-
A Christmas Tree shaped tumour glimpsed on an x-ray of inside June.
-
A smashed up Christmas Tree glimpsed beside some fly tipping on a b-road in Norfolk on Christmas Eve
-
15-year-old
aspiring actor Gary tries out for the lead part in his school's play.
He fails to get it and is instead cast as a tree. At the final
rehearsal, he is the only person that the director shouts out for
messing up. Gary resolves to never give up his dream of becoming a
professional actor.
45-year-old professional actor Gary, who has just got his first lines in The Bill,
tries out for a middling part in his local community's Christmas
pantomine, just for a bit of fun. He fails to get it and is instead cast
as a Christmas tree. His wife, who has never acted in her life, is cast
in the part he auditioned for. His children ask him what the point of
his life is.
A
man reuses his previous Christmas tree-based desolation scenario in the
hope of joining in with the fun and feeling somewhat like he belongs.
-
A man sits in a hotel room alone at a business conference on his
birthday and masturbates at the thought of the death of Madeleine McCann
on the instruction of a stranger on the internet.
-
A man wearing bespoke tailored young girl's clothes masturbates
thinking about a man in a hotel room alone at a business conference on
his birthday masturbating at the thought of the death of Madeleine
McCann on the instruction of a stranger on the internet.
-
Madeleine McCann's father masturbates while fantasizing about the
idea of killing a man wearing bespoke tailored young girl's clothes.
Afterwards, he wonders why he wants to wear bespoke tailored young
girl's clothes while killing somebody.
-
A
man wearing bespoke tailored young girl's clothes masturbates thinking
about a man in a hotel room alone at a business conference on his
birthday masturbating at the thought of the death of Madeleine McCann on
the instruction of a stranger on the internet.
... were just passing by.
-
... were just passing by.
That's fucking sick mate. Sickipedia sick.
-
An almost completely paralyzed man[1] leaves his wife of 25 years for a younger woman.
-
A donkey urinates on a condemned gym mat while adjacent to that a
dinnerlady arranges two hundred plastic cups filled with comminuted
orange squash.
It is Sports Day.
-
A tanned 21 year old, just back from her year abroad in Palermo,
orders an Americana in Pizza Express with a flamboyant hand gesture and a
passable Sicilian accent.
-
A hungry cat tries to get into the kitchen but her owner has been lying dead against the inside of the door for three days.
-
"So I just stopped off and bought some cigarettes from the corner
shop" "Don't you mean you went into a corner shop and bought some
cigarettes?" "That's what I said" "No, you said from the corner shop, like it was a person" "What?" You said from the corner shop, like it was a sentient being, like the actual corner shop served you, as if the literal
building had the wherewithal and capability to sell you some
cigarettes" "Now I don't feel bad about lying to you about the pub, you
fucking twat" The pedantic man walked home alone, past the corner shop
from the opposite side of the road, he saw a man and a woman smoking
outside, one of them said "Just going to get some more fags from the
corner shop" "OH FOR FUCKS SAKE, DON'T YOU MEAN GO INTO THE CORNER SHOP?
DON'T YOU MEAN HOMOSEXUALS?" They ignored him, he carried on walking,
before throwing himself into a bus.
-
A couple, in their late thirties or early forties, on the tram. Both
looking at their phones. He looks up at her. She looks down at her
phone. He looks down at his phone. He looks up at her. He touches her
leg. She looks down at her phone. He looks down at his phone. They chew
gum.
-
A hungry cat tries to get into the kitchen but her owner has been lying dead against the inside of the door for three days.
There is always a happy ending in dead owner-hungry cat situations, you know.
-
A child with a nervous facial tic witnesses the frantic death throes
of a weasel trapped in a Poundland Carrier Bag in a ditch in Swindon.
Eventually, the thrashing stops.
-
Doing some washing up. Its a sunny day, so I open the backdoor in
the kitchen, to ventilate the smell of dirty pots and pans. As I lose
all sense of time and space and life, as I slowly and meditatively scrub
a frying pan, one way then another, I feel something cold slide into my
body. I turn to see a woman sticking a knife in my side. A stranger who
had snuck in through the back door ajar and had taken advantage of my
absent mind and a freshly cleaned knife. I hadn't rinsed it or dried it
probably, so the washing-up soap acted as a lubricant, the metal poking
then popping the skin, easing in slowly. She stared at me, I just
laughed, and told her "Thanks, now you're going to have to do the
washing up", I handed her the marigolds and slumped to the floor. I
handed her back the knife and told her to put it in the dirty pile. She
murmured something about none of the washed stuff being washed properly,
then I died.
-
Sitting in the thin walled office room he fought to convince his
wife was necessary, Ohio born Mark Burg photoshops Hilary Clinton's face
onto a selection of images in his 'sensual bushes' folder for the
purpose of a politically motivated hate-wank. He lasts for three
quarters of an hour before giving up and returning to bed, his all too
knowing wife laying in pretend sleep beside him.
-
A chav man throws a McDonald's bag of rubbish and a used condom from
the window of his heavily modified twunt-mobile. It bounces off a dead
badger and lands on a war memorial. The reverb of his fart-can exhaust
is audible for a further 56 seconds, until the raw silence of the night
returns.
-
(https://pbs.twimg.com/media/CCf_jMQW0AASlST.jpg:large)
-
It is an arbitrary moment in the future. The world ends and
ultimately nothing mattered. Somewhere in the past a man buys the
autobiography 'Fan Dabi Dozi - The Krankies'.
-
A Wedding reception in Rochdale, 1989. 'The Locomotion' blasts out
at atom-shattering levels from some ancient speakers. A toddler cries
over a burst balloon. A man with a perm and crap 'tache gropes a total
swamp-donkey. And there's Uncle Dickhead, in his cream slip-ons,
dreylons and pastel shirt, dancing in the way that only 57yr old
borderline peadophiles can.
-
When you plan stuff around landlady's work shifts stuck to the kitchen notice board and then she doesn't follow it.
Balls.
-
Upon learning her son has cerebral palsy, a young mother stammers tearfully that the consultant is "just a hater".
-
A young man with long hair and a baldie crown, spends his entire 3
years at University locked in his sweaty Campus room, fapping to
Buffy The Vampire Slayer pictures , whilst everyone else is out having,
quite simply, a much better time.
A twiglet of a man rolls
Slazenger deodorant over his bellend to rid himself of it's pilchard
wiff, minutes before going on his first ever date.
A Post-Graduate working in a Basingstoke Call Centre is told by his 17yr old supervisor that his toilet breaks are too long.
-
It's the end of the over, a sunny afternoon and relaxed atmosphere at a cricket match in Antigua.
Then the PA starts up
"Today is gonna be the day that they're gonna throw it back to you..."
-
A retired plasterer on a kidney dialysis machine reading a book on
Rwandan genocide, whilst his wife - whom he hates - plays Snake on an
old Nokia with a short battery life.
An elderly clown puking into his big shoe after exchanging blowjobs for Rizlas in a Sussex layby.
A hippo with a limp getting savaged to death by hungry lions in front of his own family. They don't even eat him.
A man with a wife and daughter, wearing an 'I Love Clunge' t-shirt whilst walking through Melton Mowbray on a Tuesday.
-
A Scarborough man with locked-in syndrome gazes through his bedroom
window and watches his only view of the sea slowly but surely become
almost completely obscured with enormous splats of seagull shit. His
heart sinks as he realises it will take him several days to ask his new
carer if he can have it cleaned off.
-
An awkward, pleasant but chronically bullied 13 year old does a poo
on his geography teacher's desk, in a misguided and desperate attempt to
gain acceptance among his cruel classmates. It doesn't work.
-
An old man with no family or friends, stands in a cornershop
flicking through the lads' mags, whilst a cluster of bluebottles buzz
round the moist bumcrack of his cheap nylon slacks.
-
A lonely 34-yr old man on his first day as a mature student lies to
an attractive young girl on his course that he's actually 21. She sees
through it and he spends the next three years being laughed at by giggly
young women and acquires the unwanted nicknames 'that freak' and
'paedo'.
-
A spazzy cat with a gammy eye falls off a shed roof after being startled by a low flying pigeon.
A grubby mutt laps up his owners dropped and burst colostomy bag and loves it.
A
thick fox spends an hour trying to somehow open a small green recycling
bin expecting some grub, after finally pushing it off the curb it opens
spilling it's contents. Nappies full of shit. The fox slinks off
disheartened into the gloom.
A dozy bee flies into a bus causing
uproar, it gets splatted against the window with a rolled up copy of
the metro. It's smeared remains don't get cleaned off for a week.
-
My cunt Dad just turned up. Got the landlady to let him in. I go
down and told him to fuck off. Said don't you fucking dare even start to
talk to me. He said okay that's fine.
FUCKING SHAKING I AM FUMING
FUCK
HE doesnt even have the courtesy to wait outside. Why? Because he
thinks I won't make a scene inside. Thats how he works. He also brought
his son with him. Why? Because he thinks I wouldnt be rude or I'd be
blackmailed into talkign to him. what a fucking prick. I told him to
fuck off right in front of his kid. Fuck off with your emotional
blackmail stunts you cunt fuck
He even fucking knew my landlady
not by her full name but by her shortened version which only people who
know her call her. That means hes been talking to someone, probably my
equally cuntish brother to get info.
I apologised for swearing
what with big Jesus up on the mantelpiece and told her never let him
into this house again. Not allowed. Now I am fucking stressing out. What
a cunt. Now I know that he has my address and has the fuckign nerve to
come to my door.. Now I'm always waiting, always going to be on edge,.
Always waiting for him to show up angry, high, drunk, emotional,
whatever. Thanks a fucking bunch you tosser
-
A lacklustre man, about 36, rifles through a bin at work to
find the empty Microwaveable Lasagne container that his fit, engaged
19yr old female colleague put in there earlier. He retrieves it and puts
it in a carrier bag to take home as a sad trophy. He gets in, his wife
says 'Did you leave that tea-towel there earlier, you bastard?!' He goes
into his shed and does something secret.
-
A white van driver crashes into a depressed pensioner immediately
after craning his neck out the window and cat-calling at some school
girls in Wigan.
-
A once aspiring and talented law student, pride of his family,
spends the rest of his career working on cases in a small claims court
in Swindon.
His family don't speak to him.
-
On a train to London, a flustered advertising executive sweats and
fidgets, consumed by nerves, 30 minutes before a pitch meeting. He has
no ideas, and, deprived of cocaine, no source of inspiration. Desperate
for something, anything, he takes solace in the echo chamber of his own
thoughts, where he inadvertantly realises that the word 'market' sounds a
bit like 'meerkat'. His confidence surges back to him.
-
An acid trip takes a turn for the worse when a man in a gas mask turns on the strobe.
-
A broken kazoo on the grimy asphalt.
Knocking over a deer
with your car only the deer isn't hurt and runs off but you're still
left with the guilt and broken headlight.
Picking off a bit of
foil stuck on your tongue from a cheap Easter egg twenty-seven months
after you were given it by a late aunt.
Ball rashes.
Slimming.
-
A housewife in 1973 running down a cobbled street in her stocking
feet, after being told her only child Gary has been hit by a Morris
Minor.
A melted Choc Ice underneath a park bench on the hottest
day of the year, whilst two dogs fight nearby and their owners
frantically struggle to separate them.
A drunken youth being
labelled a 'fucking legend' by his mates after pissing through the
letterbox of a hard-working Polish family.
A simpleton power-belching at a funeral wake, and laughing like a drain near the bereaved.
-
Daz pops out from the Codfather at lunchtime and walks with
an excited lop into the abandoned warehouse around the corner. Minutes
later, he delivers his daily dollop of ejaculate into the shoebox of
dead, crusty, yellowing spiders that he secretly stows, lovingly
nurtures, and one day plans to present to his hated mother at a major
family event.
-
An 8yr old lad called Gary recovering in a Leeds hospital in 1973,
following a double leg amputation. Visitors hour. His weary mother walks
in, 'Look Gary, i've brought your hero round, why don't you spend some
time together and I'll be back in an hour.'
A man with a mop of
bright, off-yellow hair walks through the grimy door, with a manic grin
on his face. He's wearing a tracksuit. He's holding a cigar.
-
A man with a mop of bright, off-yellow hair walks out of a hospital
in 1973. "Life is great" he thought to himself. "I'm making a shit load
of cash from being a Jimmy Saville impersonator. I'll be in the money
for the rest of my life, nothing will ever go wrong for me"
-
Jacqueline spends her morning carefully scraping the small
transparent spiky bits off the thistles in her garden with a scalpel and
collecting them. Her afternoon is spent slowly unfolding all her
husbands socks and sprinkling a small amount of the spiky bits in each
one, not too much, then folding all the socks back up and putting them
neatly back in the draw.
After she's finished she sits back with a glass of prosecco and smiles to herself.
-
A married couple in their 40s go to see Kings Of Leon. He looks like
Sloth, she looks like a malnourished Alison Moyet. The first two songs
are album tracks they've never heard of. The third is Sex On Fire - the
only Kings of Leon song they know. That's because their shitty, local
commercial radio station used to play it 97 times a day. They sing along
to it, out of tune and getting the words wrong.
Another album
track is played - That's enough for them. They make their way through
the young, attractive people and leave the gig. They get into their
entry-level Vauxhall Vectra and go home to their darkened council house.
She goes straight up to bed. He checks she's asleep, wedges a chair
against the door, then cracks one out to a tattooed, bony, wonky-titted
horror on Babestation.
The End.
-
This is genuine, although tonally atypical of this thread, as it
happened to me earlier today. Clearing up rubbish in my home, I found a
free magazine I'd swiped from a pub six months ago, with the front cover
headline "The bonkers world of Noel Fielding!". At the
time I'd assumed it would be a pisstake, turns out reading it now it
contained no criticism whatsoever and was a puff-piece for the cretin,
masquerading as an interview. Needless to say, it's now in the recycling
bin.
-
The same homeless chalk artist in every suburb you go to.
Disembowelled mouse on your doorstep.
Eating the last prawn in your fridge.
Jail crafts.
-
A decaying molar in the mouth of a Middlesbrough Sex Offender.
A spasticated He-Man figure in the bottom of a forgotten toy box.
A compulsive masturbator in a Noddy t-shirt.
A chod of unknown origin on a blind woman's patio.
-
Plymouth, 2015. A baby is christened Gangnam Fenton Chocolate Rain Taylor.
-
A small worm is out looking for a new piece of delicious soil to
bring back to its lair for its worm hatchlings. After a good three hours
of worming about in the mud and leaves, it decides to head home with
the dirt, all happy like. Suddenly it finds itself vanishing from the
very earth it was born, swept up into the heavens, never to see its
hatchlings again[1]
A
small dove is out looking for worms for its young. It flies into a
very, very translucent window, breaking its neck and exploding with a
mild burst. The worm falls down a grid and drowns in a coke can.
It
turns out that the 'window' was actually a pair of spectacles being
sported by a very elderly gentleman, who once drove submarines. The old
man is concussed by the sheer explosion of gore and feathers and glass
and is violently forced off the pavement into the path of a bus.
The
bus is being driven by a man who is one day from retirement, the
passengers are all nuns on the way back from lourdes. Seeing the flurry
of feathery madness in the road, he swerves to one side and veers into
the path of a lorry. The lorry is carrying a container full of worms.
Millions of them....
The Lorry swerves, jack knifing the old man
into several pieces... A slurry of chemically sterile worms....
Everywhere. A nun explodes from the window of the bus, skidding into the
mush face first.
The Dove's young, unable to fly, maddened with
hunger dive out of the nest, forever falling unable to find the sea of
worms, which are now clogging the water system of the city.
The end.
-
An art gallery employee is forced to confess that he knows little about worms.
-
A flat Shoot! football rolls almost imperceptibly along the
cracked surround of a long empty swimming pool in an abandoned,
financially unviable Lanzarotean resort.
-
A single mother tries to conduct a grown-up conversation with a
handsome plumber, whilst her youngest child thwacks her in the face with
a Fisher Price Xylophone, before pulling her top down to reveal
hard-working, but truly spent breasts.
-
An man is savagely beaten and blinded in one eye with a cheese truckle at an Eddie Stobart convention.
A timid nonce joins a Lost Prophets fan group on Facebook.
A 43 year old shut in takes delivery of an 2012 Alex Polizzi calendar and a well used Flat Eric.
-
A young mother and father wonder why Nuggets, the family dog, is
always looking so sad, they take him to the vets and tests reveal
internal bruising. They confront their young son, who admits he's been
kicking the god for "I don't know, just a bit of fun", they take the dog
back to the vet and have it put down. They get a brand new dog and call
its Drumsticks.
A 40 year old man appropriates "street language" to be funny and impress his younger work colleagues.
A
deaf black man lies in a tin bath of lukewarm water warm, scrubbing
himself with a wire brush, recounting the harsh racial prejudice
inflicted by a group of deaf schoolgirls.
A man, dressed in his
team's garb, watches a last minute winner for the opposition send a
rammed pub into feral celebration, hysteria and banter washes over him,
as everything from "aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!" to "Wanker." fills his
space, he headbutts his pint glass and rolls onto the floor, as he's
slowly stamped into the carpet out of sight, water down a drain.
-
Fucking hell - Peter Kay's latest "comedy" - car share or something
-
A man from Somalia survived near starvation, 1000 of miles of rough
travel across war torn desert, disease and death of his large family to
end up lost in labyrinthine Coventry. He buys a ticket home a few days
later.
-
A constantly arguing and dysfunctional couple cry out of anger and
frustration when they receive a letter from ITV saying their Jeremy Kyle Show application was unsuccessful. Their shared anguish brings them closer than they've been in years.
-
A former steel worker, on his first ever day in a call centre, is
given the menial task of opening parcels and stacking boxes to help
settle him into his new surroundings. It should be a one-hour job, but
he purposely drags it out all day - just to delay speaking to the
joyless British Public that little bit longer.
-
I knew nothing about her; our encounter nonetheless took a macabre
turn. I spoke to her of the sea, a certain commentary on Ecclesiastes.
And imagine my stupefaction when, after my tirade on the hysteria of the
waves, she produced this remark: ''Self-pity is not a good thing''.
-
A Middlesex open mic night, the centrepiece of his stand-up set:
"Eccles cakes, Ecclesiastical cakes, it's funny that isn't it?"
-
Everyone's least favourite member of the most popular girlband has a
seizure while on stage, but nobody notices. Even her security guard
boyfriend later states that he just thought it was "that dance she likes
to do".
-
Here's a lassie - Natasha from my hometown - Glasgow. She thinks I'm
an old man and goes mental when I criticise her punctuation
--
Our correspondant - NATASHA - informs
us -- " you are nuffing but a cheeky old basterd that
thinks you can voice your opinion on everythin & everyone like me
you were at me for hours doing my fuckin head in about how i dont put
fullstops when i speek to you well fuck yeah a dont put full stops for
no cunt " -- Thank you Natasha....STAY SAFE.
She just will not compromise.
And that was her just startin' to like me.
-
A wheelchair bound woman in her late 60s sits outside the Best
Western on the seafront with her two dogs. Maybe she thinks she's
talking to them, but they're not interested - they're fidgeting with the
energy she is clearly incapable of helping them burn.
"That girl's got a bicycle" she says. "It's nice being on a bicycle. I used to have one when I was little."
This
actually happened and I can't find the "bleakest thing you overheard"
thread. But fucking christ, that was a sobering thing to stumble past.
-
An empty steak packet in a tiny yard in Dagenham, with a 'Best Before' Date 2 years in the past.
A bored dad looking for turpentine in B&Q whilst a cover version of a Maroon 5 song plays.
A Morris-Dancer going into wank overdrive after discovering Fake 'Lorraine Kelly Nude' pictures on Ask Jeeves.
Weak Solar Lights from Poundland in a Widower's front garden.
-
This
actually happened and I can't find the "bleakest thing you overheard"
thread. But fucking christ, that was a sobering thing to stumble past.
While out enjoying the spring sunshine yesterday.
A
young mother in the park, playing with her son. She has to distract him
from the sight of a drunk youth, tracksuit bottoms around his ankles as
he pisses against a hedge before stumbling back to his two mates
slumped on a bench, ankle-deep in empty beer cans.
-
The last bite of burnt beef.
Being the only one flying business class when everyone else is in first.
Lycra holes.
Gym membership on hold.
Tearing a back muscle leaning down to pick up a piece of stale popcorn that in the end doesn't even taste nice.
Nine bent teaspoons in a drawer that doesn't close.
Obituary misprints.
Artificial lime on warm oysters.
Warm oysters.
An ant on a shitty cake your best friend spent their last pension money baking that in the end doesn't even taste nice.
Limp
apple core in a wet plastic bag on the bottom of your backpack from the
time you failed a hunger strike after your girlfriend dumped you for a
drummer'sdrummer's sister.
iPhone 3 on a bench in Salford that no one takes cause it's an iPhone 3.
The little wannabe Argonaut who didn't even touch the golden sheep once, not once.
Plain digestives, broken.
Thimble holes.
Eggshell fragments in your foreskin.
Lampshade fragments in your foreskin.
Smegmatic lampshades.
Smegmatic eggs.
Billiards tournaments at your local pub that you win by default because nobody else turns up.
Elevator music composers going broke and having to write digital radio stings.
Digital radio stings.
Bee stings. In your foreskin.
Cemeteries closing for the night.
Tripe merchants.
"Jingle Bells" sung wrong.
Orchestras playing "Jingle Bells".
Lip gloss flavour designers' office decorations falling down.
The name "Beryl".
Faded coasters.
Tom Cruise's ugg boots in the rain.
Gum.
-
Craig Revel Horwood
-
A sex shop employee mutes a western on ITV4 as he sells another vibrator. It's a beautiful sunny day outside.
-
A rah of bearded topknots and quiffs convert a derelict video rental
store into a nameless pop-up artisan coffee and craft tattoo boutique.
Outside, a sun faded and crumpled poster of Robin Williams absorbs cold
drizzle in a skip.
-
A 6 year old looking up "Rihanna's sexy bum".
Actually true
-
A Peer Of The Realm lies under a glass table whilst a sexy binman
dumps on it from above - Thud, thud, thud.......thud. Crumpled
bank-notes exchange hands.
A potty-mouthed woman guilt-trips her numb, empty husband out of a once-in-a-blue-moon visit to his only remaining friend.
A sexless man called Derek finds out via Facebook that his wife's college nickname was 'Miss Whiplash.'
-
Robin Morley's Smelly Cheese
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=w9FDIuXIqww
-
Travelling Aberdeen FC fans gather in a pub near Celtic Park on a
drizzly afternoon. Inside, under the window running with condensation
sit a middle aged couple, clad in well-worn Aberdeen jerseys and
drinking pints of Tennants. The skeletal man has the receding gums of a
drug addict. The woman is overweight and cannot keep her eyes focused.
The pub is full of charged energy, chants rise and fall, and
anticipation for the cup match is building. But something is starting to
smell bad, obviously organic in nature- high and rancid. Exaggerated
faces of disgust are pulled. Nearby drinkers eventually see that the
woman is eating fish and chips straight out of her handbag. Fingers
point, loud hoots of laughter ring out, and the word filters around. She
is oblivious to the ridicule of the crowd.
-
A gerbil gnaws through the wire of a child's kidney dialysis
machine, frying half it's face off. It survives, but now resembles the
Niki Lauda of the rodent kingdom.
A wife nags her husband about
their unkempt back garden, when all he really wants is five fucking
minutes to read his book about cockney gangsters whilst drinking a can
of flat Foster's.
At 2am and with his patience running out, an
Aberystwyth porn connoisseur wishes there was some sort of happy medium
between the 'plucked chicken' look, and 'Rasputin's plughole' where
matters of vagina are concerned.
-
Paul Ross invites brother Jonathan to his wedding. Jonathan doesn't
turn up. Neither do any of the other guests. There is no bride.
A
bald man in a flowing wig sits eating his dinner. Across the table is a
mirror. He is pretending to be on a blind date. "I'll be getting some
tonight," he thinks to himself.
A man reaches into his pocket
and finds a scrap of paper on which is written, 'I've liked you for a
long time- let's get together. Call me,' and then a phone number.
Excited, he reaches for his phone, only to realise that the number and
the handwriting are his own.
-
A dead moth, in a strip-light, in the storeroom of a factory that has been derelict since 1998.
A man called Jeff preparing a noose inside a wet belfry.
A
young mum struggling with her twin sons outside a Tesco Express, whilst
her bad boy fiancee laughs at a grainy picture of a fatal Russian
motorbike accident.
-
Travelling
Aberdeen FC fans gather in a pub near Celtic Park on a drizzly
afternoon. Inside, under the window running with condensation sit a
middle aged couple, clad in well-worn Aberdeen jerseys and drinking
pints of Tennants. The skeletal man has the receding gums of a drug
addict. The woman is overweight and cannot keep her eyes focused. The
pub is full of charged energy, chants rise and fall, and anticipation
for the cup match is building. But something is starting to smell bad,
obviously organic in nature- high and rancid. Exaggerated faces of
disgust are pulled. Nearby drinkers eventually see that the woman is
eating fish and chips straight out of her handbag. Fingers point, loud
hoots of laughter ring out, and the word filters around. She is
oblivious to the ridicule of the crowd.
That actually happened, didn't it? I bet it did.
-
That actually happened, didn't it? I bet it did.
Yes,
yes it did. One of the more memorably grim things I have witnessed. Her
gormless expression as she pawed the food into her mouth is etched on
my mind.
-
A middle-aged man in a trenchcoat snoozes hazily on a train platform
bench in the London underground - surrounded by laundry bags of his
clothing - whilst cradling a bottle of wine still pressed to his lips.
A young hipster type takes time out of his commute home to take a photo of him on his smartphone.[1]
-
a lonely internet poster spends ten years building up to a huge
reveal, where almost the entire GB board Topic-titles reads out a
profound message from that poster.......no-one notices...the moment is
gone.
-
Les Dennis watches himself on Coronation Street and considers
himself a wonderful actor. As he plans his Best Actor speech at the
British Soap Awards, his hand slides into the front of his trousers,
towards the throbbing lump of gristle therein.
A young woman is
sexually assaulted by a stranger on a residential street at night. She
screams for help. A window in one of the houses is opened, and a voice
calls back from within, "Shut the fuck up!"
A man in a pub,
arguing with his friend about whether there should be an apostrophe in
the word "children's". A few hours later, he hangs himself, and leaves
his guide dog wimpering and alone.
The last one actually happened.
-
A charming burns victim goes speed-dating. Everyone's nice to him, but do they heck want to have sex with him.
-
Silent John ventures out of his bungalow for the first time in 23 long years. He still thinks John Major is in power.
The
bright and gaudy display of women's magazines and newspaper headlines
baffle and confuse him at his local corner shop. He asks for a bottle of
milk (his first sentence uttered to another human being other than his
now dead mother, in this barren 23 years), and is directed to a buzzing
refrigerator unit full of plastic containers.
Outside once more
in the harsh glare of a Gloucestershire summer's day, he adjusts his
beige slacks to give his ample belly more comfort as he waddles
homeward. A crow shits on his head and he remembers the happy days of
his youth.
Unlocking the front door, he glances behind him at the
sun dappled lawns. It will be his last glimpse of sunlight and
non-acrid air until the UKIP campaign trail kicks off in a week or so
and he starts his ascent to Westminster.
-
From yesterday's local paper -
http://www.theargus.co.uk/news/12906768.Why_don_t_we_celebrate_like_the_Welsh_and_the_Scots__The_English_show_their_apathy_towards_St_George_s_Day/
"If
the feeling of Englishness was heightened last year with the nation's
football fans looking forward to the tournament in Brazil, some are
saying patriotism is once again put on the back burner.
This was
no more evident than in Crawley when a St George's Day parade had to be
cancelled because the public only donated £20 towards the £5,000 needed
to run it."
-
A shit stain in a pork pie hat and a sarcastic shell suit buys a
pack of Slim Panatellas to impress a post ironic muppet wearing a cape
and gucci loafers.
It works.
-
Watching an old episode of Live At The Apollo in your pants in the
dark, and the totally obscure comedian makes a really funny joke, and it
cuts to a shot of the audience in hysterics - and in the middle of it
all, you spot a right miserable cunt not laughing.
-
After being friend-zoned forever by the bohemian girl he planned his
entire dreams and future around, a 19 year old man in a knitted jumper
stares blankly from his brightly-lit kitchen at some heavy rain
trickling down a mossy stone wall. Hours pass.
-
A middle-aged curmudgeon takes delivery of a new washing machine at
7:30 on the morning of his birthday. The delivery men refuse to take the
old one away because of insurance reasons. Later that day he is
reluctantly having a tour of the local BBC offices, an institution he
has grown to loathe.
-
http://www.the-saleroom.com/en-gb/auction-catalogues/wellers-auctioneers/catalogue-id-ibwe11504/lot-ed5c5382-4aed-4c59-a128-a48300d38504
-
A listless man announces to nobody in particular that The Last Days
of Disco is now his favourite film of all time. He knows it's not that
good but he sort of thinks it makes sense for him at this point for his
favourite thing to be something he doesn't particularly care for.
-
(http://www.getintonewcastle.co.uk/wp-content/uploads/2015/02/quaysidecabaretpauldaniels.jpg)
-
What in the name of arse is going on with Debbie McGee's neck? Is she turning into a cobra?
-
What in the name of arse is going on with Debbie McGee's neck? Is she turning into a cobra?
Magic
-
Somewhere in Redcar, a deluded Reg Holdsworth lookalike ties pink
gift ribbon around his penis before his first date in 34 years.
-
It takes considerable skill to appear next to Paul Daniels and the
lovely Debbie McGee and still look the most twattish. Bravo, Chris
Cross!
A balding man spends his Sunday afternoon sneering at low
level celebrities in a desperate attempt for recognition from other
forum members.
Too lazy to get up for the box of tissues, a
Jabba-the-hut-sized man wanks into an empty crisp packet. Songs Of
Praise plays silently on the 42 inch plasma.
-
A pretty young girl with adorable freckles buying industrial grade fake tan to look like her idol Snooki.
A
tramp with severe physical disabilities preventing him from working is
out begged by a younger man who just fell asleep drunk outside Build a
Bear.
-
A
middle-aged curmudgeon takes delivery of a new washing machine at 7:30
on the morning of his birthday. The delivery men refuse to take the old
one away because of insurance reasons. Later that day he is reluctantly
having a tour of the local BBC offices, an institution he has grown to
loathe.
This has the same structure and cadence as the original (notation) story in Raymond (Luxury) Queaneau's Exericses in Style.
-
A routine fire drill at a nothing office. Everyone files out and
joins their usual clique. Uber-introvert Simon stands shoegazing between
a fence and a Citroen. 17 feet away, a cluster of his colleagues are
having a smoke and a laugh. That'll never be Simon.
-
As he scrolls through the Facebook pictures of his ex-girlfriend and
her two young children, detached house and rich older boyfriend, Neil
finally accepts that after six years she probably isn't going to come
back. He wanks forlornly over a picture of her leaning over slightly
whilst wearing a low cut top. The tears roll down his face as he mouths
the word "goodbye".
-
You manage to get a date with someone you really like. You wait on a
park bench for her. You notice an innocent toothpaste mark near the fly
of your trousers. You lick your finger and try to rub the minty mess
away. It just smears even more. Your date walks round the corner, sees
you mid-rub, turns on a sixpence and goes back home. In her eyes you're
now a pervert forever.
-
You
manage to get a date with someone you really like. You wait on a park
bench for her. You notice an innocent toothpaste mark near the fly of
your trousers. You lick your finger and try to rub the minty mess away.
It just smears even more. Your date walks round the corner, sees you
mid-rub, turns on a sixpence and goes back home. In her eyes you're now a
pervert forever.
Once
home, your date masturbates long and loudly to a picture of someone
from The Kings of Leon. Meanwhile, you drown yourself in a duck pond.
-
Arriving on time for his first Jobseeker's Allowance interview,
16-year old Nigel presents a badly punctuated CV written on the back of a
Crispy Pancakes box and a letter from his Mum reading: "get this waster
out of the house please. Love, Mrs Evans.x"
-
An empty dustbin on a litter-strewn street.
A dusty, broken old slot machine at the end of a forgotten pier in a wind-swept, grey coastal town in Lincolnshire.
A
man receives some good news, and is desperate to share it with everyone
he knows. He reaches for his phone and opens the contacts. There is
only one number: Babestation. He dials, but they have blocked him.
-
A closeted lesbian masturbates with an evil determination to an episode of The Hotel Inspector filmed in her town.
-
A hairy old woman in a big stinking overcoat, crumpled tights and
leg calipers, waddles down a Victorian Slum in 1960s Liverpool.
She's
carrying a bag in each hand - one containing her husband's ashes - not
in an urn - the other containing fish heads for her blind, deaf,
incontinent cat - who loved her husband, yet has nothing but disdain for
her.
-
An auto mechanic, a few months shy of his 50th birthday, goes for his second cup of coffee of the morning.
Pot is empty.
-
An old man with an ailing wife spends a cold and foggy morning
fishing near a train bridge over the Manchester Ship canal. His catches
include a rusty can of Special Brew and a bag of dog shit. No fish.
-
That ghastly no man's land between the arse and balls of a frowning
Jeremy Clarkson apologist, following a long and protracted divorce from
his wife - who looked like a fat Jimmy Krankie anyway.
-
https://www.facebook.com/groups/439681586088080/ (https://www.facebook.com/groups/439681586088080/)
-
A haemophiliac gets entangled in her daughter's fucking machine whilst emptying rat traps down in the cellar.
-
A recent widow is driving down a country lane when she is startled
by a cloud that looks just like her deceased husband. Fucking her
sister.
-
A production line fault causing a Müller Crunch Corner to have an
empty corner is the final straw that causes Geoff to have a compound
nervous breakdown in his rusty old Vectra after pulling in to a Texaco
garage for dinner.
The cashier casually activates the emergency door lock and calls the police.
-
A young woman, after a month of sexual harassment from some
builders, resorts to notifying the police. This is picked up the
BBC News website. She pays the site a visit to read her story,
only to be humiliated by a photo of herself pulling a duckface.
-
A fat desk jockey buys into the Cyclescheme in his office to the
tune of £600. He visualises himself fitter, slimmer, happier
and healthier. He buys a pretty decent mountain bike and all the
trimmings. Saturday comes and he gets kitted up and heads to the
local park. After 20 yards he misjudges the kerb and catapults
himself face first onto the tarmac. His face is mashed and his
hands are fizzing with pain. He pushes the bike straight into the
garage, never to be ridden again. He cleans his wounds and
eventually orders himself a 16" Munchy Box.
A priest pisses on a widow's tits.
A
severely handicapped child is taken to Drayton Manor on a pissing wet
day. It goes on no rides and derives no joy from the outing whatsoever.
The parents bicker over the route they took to get there for the whole
day out.
-
a 16" Munchy Box.
(http://i.imgur.com/o3xG7gm.jpg)
Scotland home of such unspeakable beauty, and yet such unutterable horror.
-
Fuckin hell. What do you think the calorie count would be in that? 10,000 at least i would think.
-
A Scoutmaster with no online presence and a penchant for trains and
home-made flesh lights - in that order - stares through the window of a
Basingstoke safe house on a slow Tuesday.
-
A retired butcher in Bungay gets his first ever computer and wifi
connection. Later that night, he masturbates to completion over Johnny
Cash's 'Hurt' video.
-
The low winter sun in January 1997, whilst being told by that girl
you fancy that she thinks you're a smelly, ugly fucker, and urgh, just
no way.
-
A recently deceased pigeon becomes slowly mummified by the faecal
matter of its family who nestle in the railway bridge above, as three
young addicts wander by, squabbling over their HIV status.
-
A man eyes a mouldy bap.
He is hungry.
As he slowly moves the bap towards his mouth, his eyes begin to water.
As he takes his first bite, he grimaces with revulsion. And continues.
-
A man eyes a mouldy bap.
He is hungry.
As he slowly moves the bap towards his mouth, his eyes begin to water.
As he takes his first bite, he grimaces with revulsion. And continues.
Gdańsk is not what he thought.
-
An elderly woman with a terminal illness decides to euthanize
herself so that she can die with her dignity intact. As soon as she
dies, her bowels relax and she shits herself. When her grandson finds
her body a month later, she is completely caked in dried, flaky faeces
and has been partially eaten by flies.
-
(http://i.imgur.com/o3xG7gm.jpg)
Jesus, I think I just became physically aware of my pancreas for the first time.
Is there a pizza under all that or am I gilding the lilly?
-
Define that
-
Jesus, I think I just became physically aware of my pancreas for the first time.
Is there a pizza under all that or am I gilding the lilly?
It's a naan bread m8, what else.
-
The
details are hazy. Some kind of ITV 24 hour telethon. Sue Pollard in
ridiculous outfit, showing lots of leg (a bit like pic) singing a song
lying on a grand piano. Hormones were raging and a sin was committed.
(http://i.dailymail.co.uk/i/pix/2009/03/30/article-0-0421EA1F000005DC-296_196x440_popup.jpg)
-
Back in 5 minutes. Actually, make it 2.
-
Just found this on the YouTube thread. This is its rightful home.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yF6cBf133rA (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yF6cBf133rA)
-
Back in 5 minutes. Actually, make it 2.
My syd barrettesque mate was groped by su pollard in the 90s... He's never been the same since
-
A man watches the The Last Days of Disco again.
-
Well I got that wrong.
-
(http://i.imgur.com/o3xG7gm.jpg)
Scotland home of such unspeakable beauty, and yet such unutterable horror.
I dunno what the fuck's in that, but your man in the grey jogging bottoms there has just shat a joypad.
-
It's Friday, the bank holiday weekend is nigh.
A young,
lonely 20 something watches 5 minutes of Kilroy loops and laughs into
his morning coffee. His stomach rumbles for breakfast, but he can't be
arsed moving yet.
-
Enough spunk to re-populate Ireland, forming a misty puddle in the belly button of a Nuneaton dole-waller.
An unloved step child on a summer's evening, when he's in bed and can hear all other kids playing in the late evening sun.
Disturbing illustrations of human-animal hybrids in the battered jotter of a future sex offender.
-
*LOCK THREAD ALERT*
An unloved step child on a summer's evening, when he's in bed and he can hear all other kids playing in the late evening sun.
*LOCK THREAD ALERT*
An unloved step child on a summer's evening, when he's in bed and he can hear all other kids playing in the late evening sun.
*LOCK THREAD ALERT*
An unloved step child on a summer's evening, when he's in bed and he can hear all other kids playing in the late evening sun.
-
The year is 2025, a year that promised time travel, hover boards and
robot butlers...instead, a piece of legislation is passed that allows a
man to lawfully marry a steak and kidney Fray Bentos pie.
-
A boy with stunted growth and snot up his nose, power-slamming a chunk of granite off a family of innocent woodlice.
A
wife dragging up her husband's sext messages to a colleague years ago,
whilst their 3 year old child sits strapped in his booster seat facing
the other way with a bewildered look on his face, and a melted Mini-Milk
in his hands. Nicky Minaj's latest song is the soundtrack to this
hideous scene.
An awkward office worker doesn't know what to say
to his colleague after she returns to work following the death of her
dad. Does he offer his condolences, or just try to pretend everything is
hunky dory? He says nothing and just scribbles some tits into a notepad
instead.
-
A tramp catches his own haunted reflection in a puddle of
piss. The gravity of his meaningless existence hits home, he
shambles towards the river and throws himself in.
A menopausal librarian whispers, "I love you" to her Black Mamba vibrator.
A priest confesses to pissing on a widows tits. The other priest requests her details.
-
A dishevelled homeless Peter Kay arranges a lock-up full of unsold DVDs into the general shape of a mattress.
His sleep is interrupted by shattered plastic hinges and farts.
-
The ghost of Rin Tin Tin plans to visit a lonely boy and give him
magical presents and a special secret. When he appears the boy yells
"FUCK OFF I'D RATHER MEET SHERGAR YOU DOG CUNT!"
-
A Junglist dances like a wazzock on a street corner, oblivious to a passing Funeral Cortege.
A
single mother on a paltry income is told by arse-scratching,
bollock-fondling, neanderthal mechanic that the repairs to her car will
total £786 - approximately £776 more than she has in the bank. Whilst
receiving this news, she also has to contend with her nihilistic twin
toddlers, as one makes demented fart noises and the other forces a
broken, wet breadstick down her ear canal.
-
A 41-year old man rage quits from Xbox Live and smashes his
controller into pieces after being beaten at FIFA by a 12-yr old.
-
A gaggle of bald tax lawyers recreate the Money Supermarket
"don'tcha..." advert through the concourse of their Ruislip head office,
drawing long-winded, goose-pig hybrid-like snorts from their stupefied
secretarial cohorts.
-
A civil servant with Rocky Dennis syndrome is taunted by a gaggle of
laughing gypsys near a bag of dog shit and the burnt out husk of an
ex-telephone box.
-
A drunk woman pisses herself on a tram while eating fish and chips.
After dropping the chips in the puddle of urine, she picks them up and
continues eating them.
-
The rain pounding harshly against your windscreen whilst you sit in
endless traffic going to the joyless job that has crushed your soul.
-
The
rain pounding harshly against your windscreen whilst you sit in endless
traffic going to the joyless job that has crushed your soul.
When
suddenly you remember you left a grease stained tea towel on the
worktop beside the milk you forgot to put back in the fridge. She knows
already, you can feel the bad energy.
You decide to work late.
-
She knows already, you can feel the bad energy.
You decide to work late.
She calls you about it 2 minutes after you're usually due back home.
-
Fuck - how do you guys know my life!?
-
You reach the bottom of the staircase in The House of Leaves before
remembering you forgot to set the video for the Keeping Up Appearances
reboot.
-
A lonely copy of The Daily Express in a petrol station forecourt. A
picture of a smiling, vivacious young woman on the front page. And you
just know without even reading it that she's died in grotesque
circumstances at the hands of a madman.
-
... because you're the one who killed her.
-
A fully grown man whose long-suffering wife ferries him around
everywhere in her car, because he spent all his money on Genesis records
and Porn when he was 17, instead of driving lessons.
She wishes she'd married his brother instead, but it's too late now - He died in the 80s.
-
May 8th, 2015
-
...and subsequent days for next five years
-
A man learns he is allergic to alcohol on May 8th, 2015
-
An elderly hooker in Broadstairs is approached by a sinister looking
man with a face like an arse requesting "full service including anal,
I've just won the local election and I'm celebrating"
Edit: Assumption makes an ass out of you and me.
-
An
elderly hooker in Broadstairs is approached by a sinister looking woman
with a face like an arse requesting "full service including anal, I've
just won the local election and I'm celebrating. Manston Airport is
saved!"
-
The smile on his face soon vanishes as he looks at the friends and family around him and realises that they all voted Tory.
-
A spiteful office walker does the 'fat man' walk and accompanying
trombone noise behind a colleague with genuine thyroid problems. His
fragile world crumbles around him in front of real people. Later that
day he defeats himself at chess, and cries into a cup-a-soup for what
seems like forever.
-
with genuine thyroid problems.
Is that like Good AIDS?
-
An unemployed man with a disabled daughter nods in satisfaction at
the news that he'll soon be able to vote to take Britain out of the EU.
-
After 23 years of looking, he finally finds another world. He still can't wear a dress.
-
A 40 year old dad of two is changing his 5 month old son's diaper
when a precision jet of son piss launches straight into his face.
Splashing off his tonsils and trickling down his chest. This awakens a
lust of watersports he had never before dreamed of. Sadly his wife whom
he loves dearly is also deeply urophobic. Sighing, he realises he is
stuck for the rest of his life with a woman who will never consent to
pissing in his mouth.
-
After days of suspense, a small group of users from an online
community wait in excited anticipation to see a depressed and socially
anxious 20-something get rejected by a woman he's hopelessly fallen for.
-
The woman in question surprises everyone by reciprocating the young
gentleman's affection, but is run down in the street by a celebrating
Tory reveler the very next day
-
Five years later said young gentleman, haggard and stark-raving mad, votes Tory. He cries at the ballot box.
-
She survives but, whilst recuperating in hospital, she discovers
said online community, deduces her new suitor's online identity, and
reads his posts. Horrified, she refuses all food and dies weeks later.
And he never knows why.
-
David Cameron taking a shit right this second. His conscience is clear.
-
Billy marches down to his local polling station, determined to vote
for the very first time. The family across the street have a marginally
bigger TV than he does, despite them all being on benefits. "I'll show
'em, the fucking scroungers!" he thinks to himself.
He places the 'x' next to his Tory candidate.
-
After living a human centipede-like existence for 5 years the
shrivelled corpse of a once proud political party is cut free from the
anus of the newly elected majority Conservative government having served
its use.
-
For the first time in forever, he plucked up the courage, he asked
her out via Facebook chat. She 'Saw' the message, she started typing,
his heart raced. She stopped typing, he froze. She resumed typing, he
waited, silently, still - like a heron on a riverbank. She stopped
typing. Minutes passed, she's probably busy. Yeah, that's it. Hours
passed, she 'Liked' a picture of a cat in a shoe. He had a pot noodle
and a wank, but his heart wasn't in it. He waited, pacing the
carpet like an expectant dad, and logged back onto Facebook chat at 2am,
the expectation, the suspense by now killing him. I wonder what she
said?!
- Nothing, nothing at all.
-
A gull shits on a man's shoulder as he walks to a Work Programme interview. The stain never quite comes out of his jacket.
-
Boris Johnson is permitted to do something.
-
Simon Hughes pops into Halfords for some new windscreen wipers, but the model he needs are out of stock.
-
A lovely old grandad called Tom tries to get his grandson to have
some fun on a pogostick like he did when he was a nipper, one bounce and
he comes clattering down breaking his hip on the patio. The
uninterested child looks up from his ipad for 2 seconds before returning
to minecraft. Tom just lies there, gently moaning staring up at a clear
blue sky, for 3 hours.
The head of A+E in England and Wales goes on a "mad" weekend in Amsterdam smashing 9g of ket over the course of an evening.
A
scruffy man posts on a thread called nothing but 'Desolation' at 7 in
the morning on a Saturday before going to work a menial job for shit pay
on a zero hour contract. He thinks about the next 5 years.
-
A Daily Mail reader stands at his window of his cul-de-sac bungalow
all day long, watching learner drivers repeatedly fail to reverse park,
whilst emitting the occasional guttural chuckle. He is naked from the
waist down. His wife just tuts and goes back to her Agatha Christie
novels and flat ginger beer, whilst wearing comfortable beige shoes she
bought from that Kleeneze man who looks like Harry H. Corbett. £1.99
they were, wasn't that a bargain?
-
A gaggle of aggressively bald men and Rod Stewart-face/haired women
mill their red, toneless limbs in dancing a celebratory conga through
the streets of Benidorm before heading home to smash laughter through
the air at Mike Reid Live! clips on YouTube
-
EDIT: Fuck , meant to edit this.
-
Iain Duncan Smith coming in Paul Dacre's mouth.
-
After getting his pint of bitter spiked, a man vomits on the first
train home. The conductor orders him to remove the soiled seat cover and
dispose of it in the station.
-
Poundland worker, 17, quits after bosses search her bra for stolen cash in front of shoppers
oh
wait that happened
(http://metro.co.uk/2015/05/09/poundland-worker-quits-after-bosses-search-her-bra-for-stolen-cash-in-front-of-shoppers-5188852/)
-
Poundland worker, 17, quits after bosses search her bra for stolen cash in front of shoppers
Not without precedent (http://hoaxes.org/archive/permalink/the_brassiere_brigade).
-
A woman, upon phoning her mum for their weekly chat, discovers that her father voted Conservative two days before.
-
This seat
(http://i.imgur.com/N04Ir2M.jpg)
Note
the greasy matted area at around head height. An elderly lady probably
breathed her last whilst watching a re-run of Heartbeat sitting on this
seat.
-
A woman, upon phoning her mum for their weekly chat, discovers that her father voted Conservative two days before.
This actually happened. Except replace woman with man and then man with me.
-
You are Cerys and I claim my £5
-
A young couple spend 2 weeks in a quaint town on the Italian coast.
They spend their whole time there eating at the faux English pubs and
fish and chips.
They tell their parents upon returning home that it's a lovely place except no one spoke English.
"Ridiculous, isn't it?" One of them replies, shaking their head.
-
The last remaining regular on the Lost Prophets subreddit wants to
know why people don't want to just talk about the music. The following
day, he calls a family meeting and makes an impassioned speech about how
he needs all of his clan to vote conservative for the good of the
nation. It works and they all do. Meanwhile, his mentally ill next door
neighbour - who was unable to vote for various reasons - dies having
never seen breasts.
-
An ungainly oddball in his mid thirties sits alone in Wetherspoons
with a hot chocolate, waiting for a chatroom friend who'll never turn
up. He eavesdrops on two young men of student age discussing their
latest sexual encounters with a bored flippancy and casual cadence he
cannot even begin to comprehend. It is a social rank and natural ease
with life he never has and never will experience or achieve.
-
A co-dependant bear regrets escaping from the circus. Freshly caught fish doesn't taste the way it used to.
It begins trying to piss in it's own mouth to pass the time.
-
A pervert in Dundee with teeth like a witch-doctor's necklace (that
were last brushed when Jimmy Savile still roamed the earth), laughs at a
grainy online video of a man having a seizure at an airshow.
-
Friday night at a chippy in Leigh and a beer-gutted thug angrily demands his £1.50 back as his chips are luke warm.
-
A lonely man nods off forever soundtracked by Harold Budd and Robin Guthrie.
As
the dust motes glitter in the fading autumnal light, a balding man - a
member of a popular comedy forum - pisses through the letter box after
taking various goads on the said forum, a little too literally.
It is the wrong house.
-
(http://i.imgur.com/N04Ir2M.jpg)
A discarded but once-loved chair releases its bladder on the pavement after dying a lonely death.
-
A balding man - a member of a popular comedy forum - having
drunkenly pissed through his neighbor's letter box the previous evening,
posts a lightly fictionalized version of said pissing on said forum in
an attempt to assuage his guilt.
-
I've just discovered that you can dictate posts on the iPhone. Let's have a go.
A balding man dictates his last Will and testament in a comedy forum post
-
I've just discovered that you can dictate posts on the iPhone. Let's have a go.
A balding man dictates his last Will and testament in a comedy forum post
"Will" starts with a capital. Did it think you meant a bloke called Will?
-
A woman scrubs the last of an image of her dead daughter from a
commemorative plate that her pished-done goon of a boyfriend has just
used to eat a fish supper off.
-
a bloke called Will
Johnny Cash early drafts
-
You, buying a reduced-price meal for one at your local Kwik Save,
whilst the Oompa-Loompa-hued cashier conducts an inane conversation with
the person behind you, a plumber whose head looks like a big fuck-off
butterbean. They don't even care if you live or die, cos everyone's all
pally and knows each other and it's all epic banter and one big party.
Except you're not invited, you never are, and never have been, you sad,
awkward raincloud. You shuffle out of the automatic doors, into the
indifferent world you call home.
-
"Will" starts with a capital. Did it think you meant a bloke called Will?
Ooo vudge knightmare sac, concrete collapse, half-dead legged thing...willcome, in flu jaaaaaab
-
(http://www.achewood.com/comic.php?date=11052001)
-
A beaky schoolgirl cries in a stairwell after the class bully reads
out a rough draft of her rambling love letter to a teacher - in a really
squeaky, exaggerated, but instantly recognisable version of her voice.
-
Steve drinks the pint of fosters out of a manky old work boot, he's not playing a drinking game.
-
She had cared for him with such tenderness as an infant.
*Strobe effect*
She believes that in those early years there was an emotion close to what they call love.
*Strobe effect*
But as the infant became a boy, and the boy became a man, she felt that quasi-tenderness ebb away like piss down a deep drain.
*Strobe effect speeding up*
Now,
as the dusk settles on her bungalow and the harsh light pulses in the
squat living room, she wishes she had never adopted Michael when he was 4
months old.
As the men in black uniforms approach, blue light
throbbing in her mind, she give vents to a primordial roar of rage and
despair.
"Christine Gove, I am arresting you on suspicion of
complicity in a terrorist attack. You do not have to say anything...In
Cameron nos fides. Ut hyacintho praeire..."
Michael, you bastard, you treacherous bastard!!!
-----Footnote------
Since
the Conservative Government outlawed socialist beliefs in 2017, over 6
million people have been imprisoned, tortured and killed by state-funded
justice squads, overseen by Justice Secretary Sir Michael Gove.
-
Trawling through Google Images for the history of lingerie
1980-1999, a delighted forum users discovers the internet has aggregated
his search history and now targets him with fit women wearing only bras
on virtually every web page with an advert on it.
Shame Time.
-
After his career crumbles, Stewart Lee ends his days starring in
cheap bukkake films. One day, kneeling in the middle of a group of plump
middle-aged men squirting pale arcs of penile venom across his face, he
catches a glimpse of his own reflection in the eye of the camera. "At
least I've still got my hair," he thinks, and smiles a broad and genuine
smile.
-
Thing is, having hair would be a major inconvenience if you were
starring in a series of cheap bukkake films. He'd have to spend each
night picking bits of flaked jizz from his tendrils while staring into
the mirror, in the reflection he catches a TV advert for Richard
Herring's Tedious Concept With Which To Tack On A Load Of Incongruous Tired Observations Tour, he's still doing well for himself.
Desolate.
-
A balding man - a member of a popular comedy forum - reluctantly
agrees to ejaculate on Stewart Lee's face for a cheap bukkake film, but
finds himself unable to orgasm upon jealously noticing Lee's
comparatively-full head of hair.[1]
-
A balding man - also from a popular comedy forum - masturbates slowly to said Stewart Lee film.
Post-orgasm, and he's depressed again.
He hugs his pillow as he drifts off to sleep.
-
A boy is taken to an arcade by his passive aggressive stepmother,
and given £1 to last the whole day, whilst she chats up the man in the
prize booth who looks like a Poundland Gary Lineker. The boy excitedly
inserts the £1 into a hideously-dated first person shooter by SEGA - his
character dies almost immediately.
-
A librarian gets thrush but delays treatment until the symptoms become unbearably bad.
-
As he briskly lathers up his hands and forearms in stinging blue
industrial washing up liquid after wiping his fourteenth geriatric
rectum of the day, a sunken faced man is struck by the enormity of the
fact he is nothing more than just another steadily decaying organism
that exists entirely by fucking accident on a dying, hurtling rock of
complete bullshit.
-
A 38 year old dad returns to a nightclub he last frequented in 1996,
and waits to be served at the bar. There are no familiar faces, and the
music is some sort of hideous folk-electro-synth fusion. Dozens of
identikit hipsters, all of them painfully self-aware, get served before
him, despite arriving after him.
The pretty young barmaid finally
serves him, with a look of disgust and pity on her face. A smile is not
forthcoming. He catches a glimpse of himself in the mirror behind the
bar - a fat, haggard Voldemort stares back.
It was never like this in the Shed Seven days.
-
A fat goth scribbles a poofy suicide note with a fading lumunious marker. It goes unnoticed in the clean up.
A
profoundly disabled child sees the puppy his parents bought for his
Xmas and is overcome with excitement and joy. These emotions
manifest themselves as screeches that his mother mistakes for
fear. She takes the puppy back to the pet shop.
A 2010 a half wit performs sexual acts on a fishmonger for a box of VHS tapes and an open packet of Toffifee.
-
A man, blackmailed into being the recipient at a Bukkake party looks
through the slits of his gimp mask and the strings of spunk, straight
into the spite filled frenzied eyes of his estranged father.
-
A
profoundly disabled child sees the puppy his parents bought for his
Xmas and is overcome with excitement and joy. These emotions
manifest themselves as screeches that his mother mistakes for
fear. She takes the puppy back to the pet shop.
Oh my god.
-
A schizophrenic man kicks a two year old to the pavement and stamps
repeatedly and with full force on the child's head. No one stops to
help.
-
A
schizophrenic man kicks a two year old to the pavement and stamps
repeatedly and with full force on the child's head. No one stops to
help.
Cameron's Britain in full swing.
-
An Albanian neo-nazi thug and a peasant farmer share a quiet moment
together laughing at news reports of Cameron's Britain disintegrating
into riots, corruption and economic ruin.
-
A
profoundly disabled child sees the puppy his parents bought for his
Xmas and is overcome with excitement and joy. These emotions
manifest themselves as screeches that his mother mistakes for
fear. She takes the puppy back to the pet shop.
<Tuts>
They *could* have had it put down.
-
A bored lad is taken to his senile grandad's house in 1989. To
alleviate the mind-numbing tedium of hard fig rolls, flat Rola Cola and
repeats of Going For Gold, he pretends to have a piss on his grandad,
from a massive imaginary penis, before being slapped round the ear by
his repressed, bubble-permed mother. She is now resigned to a joyless
lifetime of helping others, but getting nowt back in return.
-
A
bored lad is taken to his senile grandad's house in 1989. To alleviate
the mind-numbing tedium of hard fig rolls, flat Rola Cola and repeats of
Going For Gold, he pretends to have a piss on his grandad, from a
massive imaginary penis, before being slapped round the ear by his
repressed, bubble-permed mother. She is now resigned to a joyless
lifetime of helping others, but getting nowt back in return.
you
missed the bit where she helps others out of a sense of duty and
martyrdom, resenting those she supports instead of directing her
frustration at her own inability to say no, a result of being raised by
violent, hypercritical alcoholics.
First chapter of the biography is really coming along though, cheers.
-
An 8 year old cancer patient loses her eye and half of her facial
bone structure to the spreading malevolence within her skull, doctors
manage to stem the spread shortly thereafter.
Her twin sister goes on to become an internationally famous actress and model.
They don't communicate.
-
puppy ... pet shop.
A shop. That sells puppies.
<shudder>
-
In an alternate universe Des Lynam suffers a crisis of faith as he
discovers for the first time, in his honeymoon suite, that woman do
indeed fart.
-
A profoundly disabled child overhears his parents discussing whether
they should volunteer him to co-star as the ejaculatee in a cheap
bukkake film also featuring Stewart Lee, and is overcome with fear.
These emotions manifest themselves as screeches that his mother mistakes
for excitement and joy. She takes her son to the dingy hotel ballroom
at the appointed time.
-
A dying man accidentally writes an apologetic note to his young daughter in disappearing ink.
-
A glum man staring down the barrel of 40 realises that not one
single stranger has ever said something pleasant, or made anything even
approaching what could be construed as a sexually approving remark to
him in all his life. He shrugs and decides to take solace in his
favourite online comedy forum, where hundreds of defeated and
downtrodden men and a few women just like him share their stories of
real life alienation, struggle and horror. He's got that at least. He'll
always have that.
-
A
glum man staring down the barrel of 40 realises that not one single
stranger has ever said something pleasant, or made anything even
approaching what could be construed as a sexually approving remark to
him in all his life. He shrugs and decides to take solace in his
favourite online comedy forum, where hundreds of defeated and
downtrodden men and a few women just like him share their stories of
real life alienation, struggle and horror. He's got that at least. He'll
always have that.
I'm sorry, dear. Did you lock the backdoor ?
-
That's m'boy!, declares a beaming husband-burier, at the sight of her eight year old Ian hanging squeakless shrews with used dental floss.
-
A
glum man staring down the barrel of 40 realises that not one single
stranger has ever said something pleasant, or made anything even
approaching what could be construed as a sexually approving remark to
him in all his life. He shrugs and decides to take solace in his
favourite online comedy forum, where hundreds of defeated and
downtrodden men and a few women just like him share their stories of
real life alienation, struggle and horror. He's got that at least. He'll
always have that.
Someone
on his favourite online comedy forum replies to a desolate post he
wrote, saying, "You are a very sexually attractive man with a wit and
intelligence as enormous as your penis". That someone is a particularly
advanced spambot which dupes him into a year-long cyber relationship and
then steals all of his money, siphoning it off to fund an international
terrorist organisation. He is arrested, and spends the rest of his life
alone on Diego Garcia.
-
A
glum man staring down the barrel of 40 realises that not one single
stranger has ever said something pleasant, or made anything even
approaching what could be construed as a sexually approving remark to
him in all his life. He shrugs and decides to take solace in his
favourite online comedy forum, where hundreds of defeated and
downtrodden men and a few women just like him share their stories of
real life alienation, struggle and horror. He's got that at least. He'll
always have that.
You are a very sexually attractive man with a wit and intelligence as enormous as your penis.
-
A depressed man is told to "fuck off" by his lifelong hero, Simon
Weston, just as the DFDS Booze Cruise Holiday ferry he's on starts
burning.
-
It's a gorgeous day in London, 24 degrees, hotter than Portugal apparently!
She
lies on her back in Hyde park staring up at the blue sky, the
occasional passing cloud only accentuating the lovely weather, a gentle
breeze rustles the tree leaves nearby. She tries not to think about it,
tries to enjoy the nice weather and sound of people enjoying themselves
in the sunshine, tries to relax for just 10 minutes in the sun and not
worry. She can't. She hates herself and nothing anyone says will ever
change that.
Buzz Bee the Brentford FC mascot has a sly wank in
his costume during the first half, staring out of the big cartoon eyes
at pretty much any woman he sees in the stands. No one can see him in
here. Safe in here. Safe as.
At halftime he gets his picture taken with a hairless child in a wheelchair who's suffering from leukemia.
-
A woman pushes her disabled child out a helicopter, then remembers that she hasn't taken out Wheelchair Insurance.
-
A lonely and fed-up 20 something, having a kitchen full of fresh
food and ingredients, disregards cooking for the evening and settles
instead for sub-standard fish and chips from down the road.
He sits down to watch Question Time with a sense of regret and growing anger.
-
An old widow sets her dress and legs on fire whilst trying to warm
herself from the storm outside, which wouldn't have happened had she
been living with someone who can look after her.
As she lies in
her hospital bed in pain, her only source of emotional turmoil comes
from her estranged son not once paying her a visit.
He's
meanwhile making feeble and pathetic love to his abusive girlfriend
whilst Big Brother broadcasts to no one in the corner of their damp and
dingy bedsit.
-
A
glum man staring down the barrel of 40 realises that not one single
stranger has ever said something pleasant, or made anything even
approaching what could be construed as a sexually approving remark to
him in all his life. He shrugs and decides to take solace in his
favourite online comedy forum, where hundreds of defeated and
downtrodden men and a few women just like him share their stories of
real life alienation, struggle and horror. He's got that at least. He'll
always have that.
A few weeks later, Neil writes:
"Due
to the mounting costs for server maintenance, coupled with the current
Government's plans to suppress free speech, it is with great sadness
that I announce the immediate closure of Cookd and Bombd"
-
Bert finds a dead toad in a carton of organic Irish milk.
-
Bert finds a dead toad in a carton of organic Irish milk.
He drinks it anyway.
-
He drinks it anyway.
Wringing
the last few drops of milk out of the toad and into his gaping mouth,
he suddenly realises that he is being gawped at by a bus full of
horrified school children, including his own estranged son. He
continues, but now the toad milk doesn't taste half as nice.
-
Toad! finds dead Bert in a carton of organic Irish milk.
-
Gerry and Kate McCann are invited to a fancy dress party. Their
hosts answer the door dressed as Ian Brady and Myra Hindley.
-
Gerry and Kate McCann are invited to a fancy dress party. Their hosts answer the door dressed as Ian Brady and Myra Hindley.
The
Mcann's come as Sidney Cook and Irma Grese. Ian Brady starts an affair
with Irma Grese While Sidney Cook and myra set up a do it yourself
childrens hospice in Lockerbie.
-
Gerry McCann does a devil's horn and tongue-out pose in front of the 'Arbeit Macht Frei' sign at Auschwitz.
-
this one is true -ish
An amoral local half wit known to her
small group of friends as Diesel Dyke pretends that her daughter is
missing and was last seen in Fred West's house, circa the time of the
digging up, as a result said halfwit makes it to the front page of the
local paper. Her daughter who has been staying with her Gran in a nearby
village tells the paper that her mum is slightly odd and a bit of an
attention seeker. There is a retraction of the story in a later edition
of the paper.The mother tracks down her daughter to the playing fields
of the village and starts to physically assault her. During the
prolonged pummelling the mother subjects her daughter to a bizarre
tirade of racial slurs, repeatedly calling her daughter; you paki
bastard, you German bastard, a gyppo and an aborigine. The locals
just stood around and laughed.
On a side note, when I was ten I
was accused by this maniacs then husband (who is now living as a woman)
that I was sleeping with her.
-
A snarling Hobgoblin breaks into a demented grandma's house just to lacerate her shins and scream at her, punch her cat.
-
A 97 year old great grandmother smiles for a photograph with her
fulsome family. She beams merrily for the camera, yet a sombre
atmosphere infiltrates the picture. There is an undeniable terror shot
across her forced expression and wide open eyes. She is frightened
shitless of her inevitable and imminent demise.
-
One gloomy Tuesday he enacts his Peter's Mad Thought. Very briefly, he is happy.
-
A man travels to Aberystwyth to tip a Welsh disabled woman - the
worst kind of disabled woman - out of her wheelchair in public. She
lands in a puddle of dribble containing a toddler and a broken Nintendo
DS.
-
A pube on a breezeblock
-
After 60 years of marriage, a recently bereaved widower trips
headfirst into a pile of his brother's discarded wank socks and is
instantly reminded of the smell of his dead wife's breath.
-
^ I bet this actually happened.
-
Watching the girl you've built your dreams around (in your mind),
walking hand in hand through a park with someone better than you in
every way possible. They laugh at a beagle catching a frisbee, they
laugh at two squirrels frolicking up a sycamore tree. They laugh at her
shoe falling off whilst playing crazy golf. They spot you from afar, and
he whispers in her ear, causing her to laugh uncontrollably. You turn
to walk back to your dank bedsit, and stand in a dog shit of mammoth
proportions, utterly ruining your hush puppies.
- Your life, in a nutshell.
-
A man awakes to find himself in pitch black darkness, his eyes are
open but he can't see anything, he stumbles up and into the side of the
enclosed space, the "walls" have a rough organic texture, he kicks and
shouts and screams, punching the walls as hard as he can. After tiring
himself out he crumples to the floor exhausted, he starts to weep.
Through the streaming tears and mucus he notices a distinct smell, it
smells.... nutty. This is it. This is his life in a nutshell.
-
A man's haemorrhoids pop as he is forced, by gun toting Somali
pirates, to defecate into the mouth of his most insecure child. Next
door, his wife is clearly not faking any of her orgasms. The language
barrier prevents the man from explaining that his child has a severe nut
and sweet corn allergy.
-
An unloved child sneaks out of his house to go to an arcade
and pretend to play the games whilst the demos run. He even makes the
appropriate sound effects. He returns home 7 hours later - his mam
hadn't even noticed he'd gone.
For tea, he has nowt-on-toast and a puddle in a mug.
-
A mother badger is hurrying home with food for her young. She is
crushed under the merciless wheels of a lorry taking unbought Christmas
decorations to a landfill, her guts seep out of her burst sides and are
pecked at by crows. Back at the set, her children starve and die
thinking that she has wilfully deserted them.
-
That Bloke Who Played Jar Jar Binks remembers the good times
(https://s.yimg.com/cd/resizer/2.0/FIT_TO_WIDTH-w500/622ac0db5a4df584d300c1fb7d3a49d438bdd201.jpg)
-
Friday night: TV dinner.
No TV.
-
In a Wetherspoons, a couple of students enjoying a quiet pint after a day's studying.
A
hen party walks past the window, all half-cut on Lambrini and WKD. The
bride-to-be is carrying an inflatable male sex doll. They goad her into
rubbing it and its rubber cock up against the 'Spoons window, which she
does without protest, laughing at the bewildered students.
They leave as quickly as they appeared.
The doll has left a smear of some sort on the glass.
-
A forty-two-year-old woman suddenly finds Jar Jar Binks attractive.
-
Without stopping to ask herself why, a 42 year old woman roots
through a toy box to retrieve a 12" Jar Jar Binks figure. She
inverts it and uses its much hated rubbery face as a rudimentary
frigging device. She tries to get it in, but the shoulders
are too broad.
Sated, it goes back in the toy box, unwashed.
-
A morris dancer spots a lad doing 'the walk of shame' past his house
on a Sunday morning, and giggles smugly to himself. It soon dawns on
him that at least the lad has experienced a real vagina. An impotent
rage builds up inside him, the smile shrivels quickly from his corn-beef
noggin, and he violently hurls an unfinished airfix Fokke into the side
of his pastel-hued wank cabinet.
-
A shy, sweet-hearted and intelligent young woman breaks down in
tears during a coffee break at work, confiding in her colleague from
across the desk, Sue, about her suspected infidelities of her partner,
and is wondering whether to call off the marriage.
Sue, genuinely thinking it good advice, suggests with utmost sincerity to go on Jeremy Kyle.
-
Argos
-
Rhyl.
The Argos in Rhyl.
-
The returns queue in the Rhyl Argos.
-
A middle-aged spinster working at the returns desk in the Rhyl Argos.
-
A middle-aged spinster working at the returns desk in the Rhyl Argos
fails to offer a refund to a man returning a Jools Holland CD as he
doesn't have the right receipt. He goes home crestfallen and commits
suicide by sticking his head in the gas oven, to the sounds of a
middle-of-the-road boogie-woogie jazz version of Coltrane's My Favourite Things.
-
Friday night: TV dinner.
No TV.
No dinner either. It's Monday as well.
-
A Mancunian can't afford to put his sick cat down so he tries to flog it on curry mile.
-
He succeeds.
-
An old man suffers a nasty fall whilst running to the toilet the morning after going to curry mile.
-
Rolf Harris attempts to entertain his fellow inmates using a
rudimentary didgeridoo fashioned from toilet roll tubes. Big Harry
likes it. Too much. Later, Rolf sobs as he squeezes a
blood-rimmed bowel movement into the toilet bowl.
-
Jeff dies a bit like Christine in Inside No. 9, but instead of being
presented with a lovingly made photo album stuffed with beautiful
memories, there is but one picture
His uncle Peter Stringfellow, when he wore that thong that time
http://i.dailymail.co.uk/i/pix/2011/08/17/article-2027067-0D787DE100000578-669_468x603.jpg
-
Hugo had come to visit Paris to unwind, while on break from curating
The Museum of European Art in South London, leaving his affairs with
his twin brother Oscar. He'd chosen to stay in a charming little three
bedroom apartment run by a local couple who'd taken it upon themselves
to put of guests after their children had all flown the nest. It was a
cosy establishment with home cooked food prepared by the wife who was
masterful at crafting fulfilling dishes with the local produce. Hugo,
being fluent in French, having studied painting there in his youth,
would converse nightly by the roaring fireplace with the old man, and
after several glasses of wine, their conversation would lead steadily
onto passionate discussions about French culture, creativity and
philosophy before they bid their good-nights and retired to their
respective rooms. Hugo would often go to bed with both his hunger for
food and conversation satisfied as he laid down to slumber in his bed.
On his third day he awoke in a good mood. The sunlight softly shining
through the curtains gently rousing him from his rest. After rubbing his
eyes, Hugo looked to his left by the chest of draws next to his bed and
picked up the copy of For Whom The Bell Tolls by his favourite American
author, Ernest Hemmingway. After twenty minutes reading he decided to
get up and shower before heading to his wardrobe of dark rustic wood to
retrieve his outfit for the day. It was to be, beige slacks, white socks
with brown loafers and a dark blue turtle neck. He casually sauntered
down stairs with his note pad and pencil he grabbed from his bedroom,
where he found the old man in the kitchen grinding coffee. His kindly
eyes glistened from behind the circular spectacles that rested on the
end of his pudgy nose. The sunlight shining in from the window behind
his head seem to illuminate his smile as he bids Hugo a fine morning.
Hugo explains that he won't be stopping for breakfast and indicates
towards the front door. The old man just nods with approval and bids him
a fond farewell. Huge is greeted with the sound of birdsong and general
good cheer from the residents as they wander the cobbled streets of
Paris. Smells and sounds titillate Hugo's senses as he strolls the
streets that are teaming with activity. Lovers hand in hand, old men
playing chess, people dining. The blood of culture was positivity
pulsating through these cobbles. After much walking and indulging in a
light brunch. Hugo finds a quaint traditional bistro that overlooks a
pristine river with trees leaned in poses that are almost an
encapsulation of the pristine figures of the ballet dancers Hugo loved
so much. He chooses this as a place to collect his thought. He sits
there, eventually ordering a bottle of red wine and opts to accompany
this with a cigarette. He withdraws his pad and pencil and begins to
sketch. Many hours go by and many more cigarettes are stubbed out and
glasses of wine quaffed as Hugo continues to scribble and glance up at
the same scenery which inspired the likes of Monte and Van Gough. After a
time the sun is beginning to lower behind the spires of the cities
architecture, presenting them as titans of antiquity. Hugo extinguishes
his final cigarette into the overflowing ash tray and gulps the last
remnants of his wine, looks at his sketch with a grin, folds it up and
sets it down on the table, pinning it under his ashtray. He stands up
put oh his chair with a content smile and wanders off into the twilight
labyrinth of Paris. Who's to say where he found himself next. Come the
midnight hour, the waitress who had been serving Hugo during his stop,
barely into womanhood, with doleful blue eyes, the delicate skin of
virgin white porcelain and hair as bright yellow as the flame of a Roman
candle, is cleaning tables outside, when she notices a folded up bit of
paper under an ashtray. She picks it up out of curiosity, unfolds it
and closely inspects the drawing. It's a very shit drawing of her with a
massively spunky cock shoved reet in er' fuckin' mouth.
-
A man fails to use paragraphs whilst posting at 9pm on a Chris Morris themed comedy forum.
-
From the Daily Mail:
NHS still hiring Filipino nurses!
-
An emotionally crippled, repressed homosexual desperately
seeks attention on an internet forum. He does not succeed and
while having an angerwank, loses yet another Vicks inhaler up his
fartbox.
-
A £1 birthday card left unbought and abandoned at a self-service checkout in Tesco.
-
Summer, 1999. A coach-load of buzzing young lads go for a massive
night out in one of the big Nightclubs. One of them is told by bouncers
that his attire is inappropriate for the club. He is forced to sit alone
in the pitch black coach for 7 hours - in these dark days before
Iphones - whilst his mates go out of their minds on phat beats, wizz,
and so many horny young women it's not even funny.
-
A trial period is failed at a Card Factory.
-
A trial period is failed at a Card Factory.
Where is el nombre ?
-
A 17 year old girl's first attempt at making apricot jam leads to a
fridge having to be disposed of unethically. To make herself feel better
she commands her 14 year old boyfriend to give her oral sex for the
fifth time that weekend, warning him that if he doesn't do a good enough
job this time she'll hit him on the side of the head with a small
plastic toy boat.
-
A male and female office worker with a mutual love of Will Ferrell's
'Anchorman' spend a fun, flirty morning quoting the film at each other
across their desk. Out of the blue, their colleague - a bald man
with a fetid arse - shouts 'I'm gonna punch you in the ovary!' totally
out of context, then laughs to himself.
A frosty silence ensues.
-
Looking through all the different varieties of shower gel in
Morrisons, trying to pick one to put in the food bank box. Eventually
going for the one called 'Pamper Yourself'.
-
A mangy cat bobs for pallid baked beans in a cold, detergent-less
bowl of washing up water as its owner decomposes in front of an
infomercial for a special kind of hosepipe.
-
A mangeless cat chews on the remains of its owner as it watches its idiot sister chase beans.
-
Mother found pushing dead child on playground swing
(http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/worldnews/northamerica/usa/11625696/Mother-found-pushing-dead-child-on-a-swing.html)
-
You just had to take it too far, didn't you?
-
Tommy Cooper dons a massive cloak. Tommy Cooper thanks his
assistant. Tommy Cooper starts to feel funny. Tommy Cooper starts to
lose his balance. Tommy Cooper collapses into his cloak and falls
backwards through the curtains. Tommy Cooper hears raucous laughter.
Tommy Cooper catches a glimpse of someone, the last human being he will
ever see - it's Les Dennis. Tommy Cooper is pitched into an eternal
darkness.
-
(http://www.bestforfilm.com/wp-content/uploads/2010/11/Withnail-and-I-remake.jpg)
-
On a balmy evening in late May, a bloke kneels to eat vindaloo from a
plate on the floor while half-watching The Matrix. He isn't wearing any
trousers.
-
A man called Gary changes his name to Alan.
-
The head of the UK branch of the Javier Zanetti Appreciation Society
travels to America and goes under the knife in the hope of getting a
chin just as magnificent as his hero's. During the operation there are
complications and he goes into a coma. His life is in the balance. The
doctor - originally from Argentina - makes all the right calls at the
right time and soon he is awake and healthier than ever.
He makes it back to Scunthorpe just in time to attend an anti immigration rally.
-
"For Christ's sake love, keep yer bloody nightie on" barks a
wheezing emphysema riddled voice from behind a locked bathroom door, as
the very last guest at Su Pollard's 65th birthday party carefully
tiptoes their way towards the front door.
-
A young man with Rocky Dennis syndrome volunteers at a camp for
blind women, only to discover that everyone thinks he is boring and has a
shit personality.
-
Sat in the dark eating cheap beans, and realising that Bobby Davro
and Dappy from Ndubz have done more with their lives than you ever will.
-
During an unattended book signing at an obscure and provincial
store, a passing tramp waves an Andy Murray biography at Tim Henman;
flicks some jizz at him and shouts "Come on Tim!!"
-
A female office worker runs through her front door and sobs
uncontrollably into her Kermit the frog collection, upon finding out her
colleagues call her 'Kakky Betty.' She is 49, and not even called
Betty.
-
Mahatma Gandhi rages "Fuck world peace" as he enters the 8th hour of
chronic diarrhoea after consuming some mangy street curry that he
reckons must have contained cat.
-
After listening to a Danish radio show a confused and drunk layabout
golfs his neighbour's cat over his garage roof with a shovel in what he
believes to be his bit for improving animal welfare.
-
Simon, aged seven, enjoys his first ever trip to the beach with his
local community group for paraplegic children. With the brakes in his
wheelchair on, facing the sea, he smells the wonderful sea air as it
merges with the fragrant vinegar of his fish and chips. As he prepares
to savour his first ever mouthful of fish and chips, a bawdy young gull
descends on him, stealing the entire package. It stands out as the
single most traumatic event of his childhood bar his tragic paralysis.
Given
just weeks to live at the age of fifty-two, Simon decides to return to
the seaside resort of his youth. After being wheeled by Dave, his
pizza-faced young carer, to the site of the childhood incident, he
prepares to savour one last taste of fish and chips, his favourite food.
An old seagull with frayed feathers swoops on Simon, stealing his
chips. Weighed down by the bag of chips, the seagull crashes to the
ground, smashing its head open right in front of Simon and making one
last mocking "ha" before it dies. As he looks down at the seagull, a
horrible sense of recognition washes over Simon. He realises it is the
same seagull that haunted his youth. The tragedy of the moment is
brutally punctured by Dave's laughs.
-
Ray Stubbs has a diarrhoea attack at an immigration detention centre.
-
Thrice-used handkerchief with the monogram loose, crumpled in the back jeans pocket of a wet homeless man.
Manual lawnmowers rusting in a trench.
Your baby dog's got colitis.
Accidentally
dropping tasteless chewing gum onto your day-old sock because you dozed
off for a minute in the last train home to Dulwich because you spent
all evening jogging after a frayed squirrel that scratched your pimply
thigh as you sat on a mossy bench eating wispy crumbs of stale BBQ
crisps out of a makeshift tinfoil satchel.
A makeshift tinfoil satchel.
Treadmill maintenance.
Lifts
getting stuck one floor above the ground floor and you're in it with an
accountant because you are also an accountant but not as good as the
one you're in the lift with. The other accountant has smelly dandruff.
And colitis.
Ripped plastic bags collection.
Any plastic bags collection.
Rotting banana skins in the back of your couch.
Chipping your tooth on a half-pencil.
Tuna.
-
The look of utter terror on the face of a jobless bi-polar woman
with three kids aged 2, 4 and 9, on the first day of the Summer
Holidays, whilst they run amok like feral pixies during the second
screening of 'Frozen' that day. It is 6:53am.
-
A cracked Gary Barlow CD and a dead bluebottle, sharing a shelf inside a nonce-run Oxfam.
A
haggard man gazes into the middle distance and thinks of all the nice
cars he could've had, as his wife screams in his face about tea-towel
displacement. Again.
A pallid gran (37) buys an economy Easter Egg and 'FIFA 2009' for the banshee grandson she has no meaningful relationship with.
A
man of 49 with no fixed fashion sense, stares at a group of pretty
college girls and their Kasabian-looking boyfriends from a static
Megabus - ruthlessly hammering home the futility of his own existence.
-
Lunchtime, and the only son of a woman with debilitating mental
health issues opens his lunchbox to discover an unopened tin of corned
beef and a damaged penguin bar.
He looks longingly at the feta
salad, chicken breast and pitta bread the girl with pigtails opposite
him in the canteen is unwrapping.
Yesterday his Mum made him wear wellies to school, even though it was sunny.
-
A girl removes the lunchbox from her schoolbag, only to find it has
been replaced by a tub of Utterly Butterly. She eats it anyway, using a
HB pencil as a makeshift item of cutlery.
-
A balding woman in her early 30's finds a dead bluebottle in her
£5.95 'Upper Crust', Regret Baguette. She finishes then
posts a pic of it on her Facebook. She has 3 friends, her senile
mother and her two cats. Both cats 'like this'.
A glue sniffer huffs fly spray behind the bins at Greggs.
A
woman shaves her hairy fanny as a treat for her husband only to reveal a
well developed melanoma. The husband demands sex anyway.
-
Oops, double post desolation
-
A huge stinking man topples out of his mobility scooter outside a
Poundstretcher. At least 17 people walk around his pathetic, colossal,
injured body, before somebody finally approaches him, gets out their phone - and starts filming. It is Britain, 2015. Hello.
-
Cameron's Britain 2015. I am left bewildered by a brief visit
to the Apple Store where a man called Craig tries to become my buddy
-
A severely disabled child waits excitedly for her daddy to get home
from his trip abroad. He's been away nearly a month now, and she has
felt pangs every day, she's missed him so much. She squeals with delight
every time she hears a car pass by, thinking it's him. Unbeknownst to
her, daddy isn't coming home. He's left her and her mummy for the Juice
FM weather girl.
Juice FM doesn't have a weather girl.
-
A child who is only slightly disabled gets passed over as the
subject of a desolation scenario on a popular online comedy internet web
forum.
-
A physically repulsive girl who is teased mercilessly at school for
her obvious sexual immaturity recognises one of her father's pubic hairs
on her Happy15th Birthday cake.
A Thalidomide victim puts
his back out whilst having a brutally sloppy shit in the toilets of a
hygienically compromised curry house. His tears drop into the pool of
assorted piss at his feet as he realises that his rigid back means he
can no longer perform the necessary contortions to wipe his own shit
splattered are.
A boy is forced to suck his father's cock whilst
his gran's open casket reveals her naked body. His father's cock tastes
of Formaldehyde.
-
A
young man with Rocky Dennis syndrome volunteers at a camp for blind
women, only to discover that everyone thinks he is boring and has a shit
personality.
I'm
so sleep deprived I read this as Dennis Rodman syndrome, which would be
a very different thing (not sure if more or less desolate).
-
A bank advisor with a Sutcliffe-beard advising you that your loan
application has been declined because your credit rating is a bit shit.
Reading
about all the horrible things Nestle has done in third world countries,
whilst eating a frankly amazing 4-Finger Kit-Kat.
A Jar-Jar Binks figure being used as a sex receptacle by a simpleton in Dunstable.
-
I saw Craig, the erstwhile Apple store "buddy", on his way to work
yesterday...the day after being baffled by modern customer service "Hey,
dude, what's your name? Cool, Blodwyn...well, I'll just get an ipad and
we'll run through the prices, yeh...hip-ho!"
I nodded a look of
recognition in his direction. Gone was the rictus grin and the "be my
buddy" eyes, replaced with the thousand yard stare of a man on the edge
of despair - a man who realises that he could be jettisoned into any of
the scenarios posted in this thread.
Chin up, Craig, you CUNT.
-
42 pensioners- all aged over 70- disembark a tourist bus with stiff limbs and grimaces, peering wanly at the surroundings.
Welcome To Eastbourne
-
On what he mistakenly believes to be the tenth anniversary of Steve
Irwin's death, a bored office clerk at the Birmingham Sea Life Centre
puts a live stingray into the paper shredder.
-
Long overdue, but well earned:
CLASSIC THREAD
CLASSIC THREAD
CLASSIC THREAD
CLASSIC THREAD
CLASSIC THREAD
CLASSIC THREAD
CLASSIC THREAD
CLASSIC THREAD
CLASSIC THREAD
-
Watching a British Porn movie and spending half the time looking at
the thrusting cock and balls of a man resembling a Poundland Bruce
Willis. Eventually he pulls out and deposits his gloy on the scarred
belly of a woman who looks like a stroke-victim Denise Welch.
-
An obese woman on a mobility scooter, gulping from an enormous convenience store coffee and carpe diem tattooed on her arm.
-
Watching
a British Porn movie and spending half the time looking at the
thrusting cock and balls of a man resembling a Poundland Bruce Willis.
Eventually he pulls out and deposits his gloy on the scarred belly of a
woman who looks like a stroke-victim Denise Welch.
Then realising it is indeed a post-stroke Denise Welch.
-
A 34-year old goth woman, who has lovingly applied black make-up to
her face, gets off the bus, she doesn't thank the driver, an old woman
gasps.
-
A woman returns home early to find her husband wanking into a bottle of breast milk she'd expressed earlier.
-
Gary Rhodes shaves off his spiky hair as part of his initiation into the Aryan Brotherhood.
He claims its for self-preservation, rather than for ideology, as he gratuitously blinds a black boy.
-
During a 20-20 cricket hit-a-thon a friendless misfit attempts to
impress the strangers surrounding him by headbutting a massive 6,
launched 10 rows deep into the crowd...... instead of catching it. As
the drivers load his twitching body onto the ambulance, the last
words he hears are: "Nobody saw what happened."
-
Justin Lee Collins is rejected from a job at Poundland and then punches a fox to death.
-
A famished mother chaffinch who ate a peanut-butter-covered slug
pellet a few hours ago breathes thinly as her young ones hatch from
their eggs with soggy feathers drying into fluff and mouths open in
anticipation of the food that she won't survive to feed them.
-
Sepp Blatter re-elected as FIFA President
-
The office joker noisily eating Space Raiders within earshot of you,
whilst you're still quietly coming to terms with the recent death of a
beloved family pet.
-
A man eats Space Raiders with zero care for the cat being strangled adjacent. They're pickled onion.
-
The night before his 27th birthday, a man decides now is the time to learn an instrument, start a band, and join the club.
He soon learns he's so insignificant that he can't even kill himself.
-
Mark E Smith coughs up blood and black bits while fixing his morning line of whizz.
A
man loves the darts, but his crippling aspergers makes him too
self conscious to 'stand up' with everyone else. He goes home and argues
with himself.
A vicious argument about tea towels ends with a pickled egg being thrown at a breadbin.
-
A pasty man with untamed hair and moustache buys a pair of aviators
from Tescos in an attempt to look fashionable. Strutting out of the
supermarket some kids hanging outside call him "paedo".
He blushes all the way home. Too embarrassed to even remove the offending spectacles.
-
Centre Parcs Sherwood Forest.
-
Centre Parcs Sherwood Forest.
A fortnight of BadTouching at Centre Parcs, Sherwood Forest.
-
Happy Christmas Son!!
Thanks Dad
...Four Dead Dogs in a bin bag.
-
Happy Christmas Son!!
...Four Dead Dogs in a bin bag.
Thanks Dad!
-
A bedraggled mum microwaves the family pet bunny in a desperate bid to feed her 3 young children.
In scenes reminiscent of Christ's last supper, she dilutes their juice with bleach.
-
A house burns down after an igniting rabbit causes the microwave to
explode. The sole survivor is a four-year-old girl who can only
cry for Flopsy, as the fireman who rescues her can't bring himself to
tell her the truth, preferring instead to fondle her intimately as he
carries her away.
-
Playing Monopoly by oneself.
-
Playing solitaire `til dawn with a deck of fifty-one.[1]
-
Playing solitaire until dawn, whilst also making into a drinking game.
You splashed out on an expensive vodka for it.
But there's still nowt in the fridge or cupboards.
-
A dog wibbles and wobbles about on a frozen puddle before falling over.
-
A dog wibbles and wobbles about on a frozen puddle before falling over.
Impossible!
(http://thumbs2.ebaystatic.com/d/l225/m/m9xOq_AHevML7woirm5p7BQ.jpg)
-
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Bk4kx2SgUCw
Dog near the end, but the best bit is 0:24-0:50
I
just spent about 20 minutes watching videos of dogs on ice and I don't
regret it at all, if anything it's the anti-desolation.
So probably not great for this thread...
Umm,
a baby gets it's face smashed in by a deranged off duty clown whose
pissed on counterfeit vodka. The clown is also fingering his own fetid
ring piece when he does the face smashing.
A man spends 20 plus minutes of his finite existence watching videos of dogs slipping about on ice.
-
A woman in her 50s looks into a mirror and sees Jim Davidson staring right back at her.
A
man with 'what the fuck?' hair stands alone in a Nightclub whilst 'The
Time Of My Life' plays. All he can smell is cheap, nasty alcopops and
the sweaty orifices of others. He leaves alone, buys the world's
shittest kebab from a Diego Maradona lookalike, gets home just before
dawn, and has sex with himself.
The word 'tits' scribbled in biro on a hand-dryer in the toilets of a burnt down pub.
-
Some locals get together and set a pub on fire, a notoriously
AIDS-needle neo-nazi insurrection dog cum shithole, laughing and boozing
as the den of infamy falls to pieces in a cloud of ash, petrol fumes
and hate.
They wake the next morning to find the pub standing there as if nothing had happened.
-
Sheesh: Depressing Weddings.
Yesterday I went
to a wedding reception of a good pal, but one that I hadn't seen for a
good 9 years, cos he lives in the states now. This is his second
wedding, his first wife having gone all lezza off with another women.
Naturally
there were loads of other friends there, ones that I don't see that
often, and every single one of them had just got divorced or separated,
others confided as discretely as they could that they were about to sack
in their marriage.
Rather sourly for a wedding, divorce,
separation sighing and heartbreak was the ubiquitous topic of
conversation as we clustered in hushed tones, stopping temporarily as
family of the newlyweds came within earshot. As our lives were
once so close it wasn't a problem to discuss this, but on the other hand
we had each of us drifted far enough apart that getting and deeper than
'oh', and 'harsh' and 'I'm sorry to hear that' was impossible. So
we could only discuss, mawkishly, each divorce of each person in detail
after they had moved on, and piece it together by comparing
notes. It was a right old gathering of late 30s indie
twat-cunts.
It was fucking horrible to realise that in
spite of the smart-arsed optimism of our youth, going to These Animal
Men and Gorky's Zygotic Mynci gigs, and ironic buying of Dog Eat Dog
albums that we haven't turned out to be any smarter than our fucking
parents. All these years we have being saying 'I'll never be like
that', yet have one step after the other we have all been sleepwalking
in their shoes.
We've totally fucked it up, man. Congratulations.
-
A woman reads a post about a wedding and finds herself expecting it
to turn out to be a joke post about the US comedy series Friends. It doesn't. She posts about her expectation in the hope that she wasn't alone in this.
She probably was.
-
Bald and lonely, never known love, masturbating furiously in the lamp light just like every evening.
He stops mid wank to ravenously scoff a Jammy Dodger from a packet within arms reach, next to the tissues.
Back to the porn.
-
A broken Hammond organ covered in silly string, at a Paul Shane
convention in Papworth, where the only attendees are a deaf shoe
pervert, a hairy scoutmaster, and an incontinent man who doesn't even
know his own name.
-
A birdwatcher is locked out of a visitor centre.
-
A 46 year old driving instructor listens to KISS' Love Gun 7 times
during the course of a days lessons, pausing the CD occasionally to
bemoan the death of real music.
-
A birdwatcher is locked inside a visitor centre.
-
A young lad cranks one out in the toilet over an old fragment of
porn mag he's found in the attic. After he spunks he carries on
looking around and discovers the upper half of the picture and realises
it's a pic of his mum posing on the bonnet of a Hillman Imp flaps out
that was sent in to Razzle by his dad in the 70s.
-
A birdwatcher with locked-in syndrome stares at a manky pigeon for the rest of his short life.
-
A pigeon shits itself to death for want of anything better to do.
-
Somewhere in the multiverse, a version of reality comes into being
based on the contents of a comedy forum's 'Desolation' thread.
-
Somewhere
in the multiverse, a version of reality comes into being based on the
contents of a comedy forum's 'Desolation' thread.
It's called Britain AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH.
MetaChrist's tits.
-
A Jessie J song being played at an atom-shattering volume in a shite
nightclub, whilst you are being rejected by someone you thought was
'the one.'
The same miserable, fuck-faced bus driver taking you to the job you hate, year in, year out.
Being
too cool to hang around with the stupid kids, but too stupid to hang
with the cool kids. You exist in a playground limbo with an insect
torturer who never knew his dad, and a lad known as 'Pissy Paul.'
-
A bald man, lonely, never known love, on the bus to the bookies
again. He sees his favourite amateur porn star get on and sit opposite
him.
Clammy handed, red in face, wet in armpits, he finally plucks up the courage after 15 minutes.
"I'm a huge fan of your work!" he leans in to say to her, a little too enthusiastically.
She perceives his trying-to-be-friendly grin as a pained grimace.
-
Cotton Eye Joe was number one in the UK for three weeks in 2002.
There is nothing that any of us can do to erase that vile, shit-scented
stain on British musical history.
-
Whilst potty training his retarded 2 year old son a recently widowed
man sees an object in amongst the liquid shit. He recognises his own
father's wedding ring.
-
A man who has lost both his prosthetic arms mourns the loss of his
great grandfather's watch. He also has a really itchy arsehole
-
A third-rate wit celebrates another seamless turn of phrase on an
ageing comedy forum by tucking into his third bowl of Smash whilst the
theme tune to Grandstand plays at ear splitting volume from his ancient
hi-fi.
-
A man from Nepal is called a Paki Bastard and kicked in the tits by a would be football casual in Whitby.
A mushroom trip goes horribly wrong when a total dick puts a Klaxons album on.
A well read, rolled up copy of The Sun is used to terrify and stun a Pug.
-
A Latvian artist is captured by the KGB for being part of a social
group who study French Literature. He is sent to 'the Corner House'. He
is interrogated and sent to a place known as 'Mud Street'. After he and
several other detainees have undergone cavity searches and they sit up
to their ankles in mud, every 2 hours leaning forward to drain the pools
of sweat that have collected in the pools of their collarbones. At
night they have a bed to sleep on but no mattress. The man wants to
avoid sharing the bed with a man suffering from the worst case of
scabies he has ever seen, but is advised by the guard "if you sleep on
the floor you will more likely suffer tuberculosis- no-one ever died of
scabies." He follows this advice.
-
That's enough about your Eastern European holiday.
A mink cuts its mouth on a broken bottle of Sunkist.
-
Barry trips on a loose pavement slab. His jumbo sausage rolls over the crest of his chips, onto the sodden kerb.
Barry crouches down, paws at the muddy batter, and continues consuming.
A crow observes.
-
A bent backed slavic crone spits at her grandson after he puts on a tiara and smiles.
A witch frigs herself off with the handle of a cheap dustpan brush. She can't afford a broom.
Thteven's name is actually spelt like that, it's just coincidence he has a lisp as well.
A weathered Mongolian shepherd weeps heavy tears under a star filled sky at the death of his favourite goat.
A caribou decides it can't be arsed to migrate South again, it sits down and slowly freezes to death.
A caterpillar falls off a leaf while attempting to make it's cocoon, it lands on a spider web.
Cecil wanks with washing up liquid and sugar.
A demented and senile umpire breaks his teeth after mistaking a cricket ball for an apple.
A few months after his death his daughter finds his beak collection in the attic.
Fuck knows.
-
Amazing avatar foggy.
-
A gonk with invisible hair and mismatched Primark Suit is rejected
instantly by a perma-tanned, Lambrini-fuelled coven on a Paddy
McGuinness dating show.
An adorable Chinese language student goes
ten-pin bowling with her new college friends. She scores a strike on
her first attempt and turns around to expect high-fives and cheers.
Instead she is confronted by the dystopian Iphone trances of her peers.
A buffoon with Art Garfunkle hair and his hands down his pants, making women on buses feel uncomfortable.
-
A man with a severe speech impediment and the name Cyril Chicken is
informed that access to his work premises (that backs onto an extremely
busy loud street front) is now secured using voice recognition software.
-
But
then there are spiders that have little quirks in their venom. For
example, the Australian funnel-web, argued by some to be the most deadly
spider in the world, has one chemical in its venom that kills humans,
monkeys, baby rats, and fruit flies. The chemical is so specific that it
doesn't even harm adult rats — only baby rats, which would not be as
dangerous to the spider as adults. The chemical doesn't kill anything
else, including anything the Australian funnel-web spider actually eats.
It's just a little gift for humans, baby rats, and adult rats that love
their babies.
Read this and thought of you, cookdandbombd
-
Lovely.
The third Chuckle Brother sits alone in his
nicotine-stained bedsit, watching children's television. Thousand
yard stare. Wanking.
-
April 1999, a signed copy of Marion's Miyako Hideaway CD single is
placed in the glass display cabinet of a second hand record shop.
It is never removed.
-
A junky pours Tizer into his 7 month old baby's unwashed
bottle. It thirstily drinks all 400ml to a soundtrack of
screaming, arguing and Eastenders.
A teenager frots with his brother on a crowded youth club dancefloor to the soundtrack of Baltimora's Tarzan Boy.
An
unemployable sex offender logs onto Mumsnet to wank over breastfeeding
tips and pics to the soundtrack of his 40-a-day mother hacking up black
throat oysters.
-
Lloyd sips his pint and idly eavesdrops on the nearby conversation
of some regulars he sort of knows but will never have a cat's chance in
hell of calling proper friends. He hears that the young and attractive
female staff member he is very fond of is leaving to 'travel the world'
next week. She reminds him of a girl he used to obsess over at school
and he'd only just found the courage to make anodyne small talk with
her. Now she's off to 'pastures new', whatever the hell they're supposed
to be. Nothing he's ever seen, that's for sure.
How come all these young people come and go so quickly, have so much stuff going on and know what to do with their lives?
He
wishes he could've been more like that. Alas, it was never in his
nature to be ambitious, gregarious, optimistic, or confident in the
slightest. It had held him back socially and academically since
childhood. He remembers the thing he had always told himself in his
darkest moments of self doubt.
Never blame yourself, Lloyd
But
even those once comforting words have started ringing hollow of late.
The decades of pent up anger and bitterness still fester away inside
him. The frustration has become harder and harder to repress as his life
becomes smaller and ever more desperate. With a heavy frown he downs
his beer, bids an affectedly cheery but universally unnoticed farewell
to no-one in particular and heads off home feeling stone cold sober. He
hopes the couple upstairs who always have obnoxiously noisy sex don't
fancy it tonight. He could really use that. It quickly becomes apparent
that even this was a hope too far.
-
^ Who are you and how do you know me?
-
There is a woman near me at work who has what can only be described as a 'beard'.
She is not wearing it ironically.
To answer your question, I think she has fairly recently graduated. Seriously, early 20s.
Honestly, I couldn't stop looking.
-
There is a woman near me at work who has what can only be described as a 'beard'.
She is not wearing it ironically.
To answer your question, I think she has fairly recently graduated. Seriously, early 20s.
Honestly, I couldn't stop looking.
looking wanking.
-
11-year old Mkwemu Ngongi is sent a Nintendo 64 with no controller,
as part of a foreign aid package. He tries to plug it into the family
telly, which is in fact just a bread bin with a picture of Robert Mugabe
blu-takked onto it. Flies buzz around his eyelids. It is the 21st
Century.
-
A bitter 17 year old nerd downloads child pornography onto a kind
middle-aged sunday school helper's laptop. He doesn't know why.
-
A toad specialist develops a fascination for human scrota.
-
A toad specialist develops a fascination for human scrota.
The dawn of TOAD!
-
A former toad specialist now redundant puts out his back trying to
lick his own ball sack in the hopes it's excreting hallucinogenic toxin.
-
A decomposing maggot-infested pigeon corpse bakes in the midday sun.
Its torso slides forward and forward, leaving a trail of fluid with
each hump.
-
Whilst cleaning up the fossilized turds of 14 separate cats, Carol,
47, realises that it's not what's inside that counts at all - it's what
you look like.
-
Edit that down to the first sentence and it's perfect.
-
A seasoned Bristol onanist has a nightmare whilst viewing Eurotrash,
when the on-screen image abruptly switches from a beautiful 38DD
Italian woman, to the Latvian equivalent of Hale & Pace doing
bollock-naked scat art.
-
A wedding in Swindon. That night the best man has a wank whilst thinking of the bride. It's a weak orgasm.
-
A groom has a wank whilst thinking of the bride.
-
A groom has a wank whilst thinking of the groom.
-
He doesn't even cum.
-
A wank grooms a bride after the strangest wedding ever to occur in Swindon.
-
A child with Wurzel Gummidge hair discovers soiled bandages and
bloodied razors in a Care Bear that his gran bought him and passed off
as new.
-
The only food at a hipster weeding breakfast being boil in the bag Vesta curries.
-
An old lady with a face like Jools Holland dies alone of pneumonia
in a cold London tower block, none of her friends, family or Peter
Baynham attend the funeral.
-
A comedy fan attempts to cheer up his bereaved girlfriend by saying
he's "delighted" her father is dead. It goes down very, very badly.
-
A lovely wife, 43, waits upstairs for her bum-wit husband to come
and make her feel like a woman, whilst he laughs uncontrollably in
another room at a Youtube video entitled 'Russian Clown Seizures - Vol.
3.' Eventually she gives up and falls asleep to the distant, tinny sound
of chuckling, circus music and anguish.
-
The crappy sky news screen/ cider advertising hoarding at the
station has massive headlines with maybe a sentence of explanatory text
beneath. But beneath that I note they have a smaller item stating NEXT
or COMING UP followed by the headline that will next appear on the 5
second display.
Talk about desolate imbecility.
CAMERONS BRITAIN
-
A fuck-ugly bloke on a bus mistakes that Smartphone whistle as a
sign of sexual approval from the 6-out-of-10 woman in the adjoining row
of seats.
-
A Turkish barber with Rapist Eyes surveys the street outside his
shop. He fingers his guilty cock and hums the theme tune to
Eastenders.
A balding teenager tries homosexuality in order to
experience physical intimacy as all attempts with females have ended in
humilation. He isn't gay and doesn't enjoy the taste of
spunk. He decides that the positives out weigh the negatives and
sticks with it.
A bored greengrocer launches a rotting honeydew
melon at a pigeon. The direct hit cometely snaps its farting
strings and it dies seconds later. Giggling, the greengrocer
lays out yet more bread.
-
A woman sticking, internet bought, slug pellets into her vagina
besides a wood ants nest in a semi secluded spot suddenly remembers she
has left the iron on.
A recent recruit to insomnia passes the
night playing a makeshift game of Battleships withe the toe nail
clippings stuck in his bedroom carpet.
A sooth sayer will predict that you will buy and use a keyring with a picture of Princess Diana in it.
You
dream that your eyes are the wheels of a fruit machine, you dream you
have won the jackpot of ten million squillion pounds, you wake up with a
prolapsed rectum.
-
That last one!! Devastating
-
Prolapse nudge gamble
-
Prolapse nudge gamble
Noel Edmonds' latest pitch for the 1900 Saturday plebdazzle party slot.
-
A former Bullseye contestant with a face like a melted welly,
strangles his gay lover with a stretch Armstrong figure, before hanging
himself with a kettle flex to the strains of Rick Astley's 'Together
Forever.'
A dog shit with lolly sticks poking out of it, near the home of a Dundee pederast who still dresses as a Teddy Boy.
A
bunch of gypsies film two disabled dogs bumming each other near a
condemned Netto, inbetween tarmacking someone's driveway (badly).
-
Lee Selby's world title boxing win bus tour in Barry
http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-wales-south-east-wales-33018417 (http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-wales-south-east-wales-33018417)
-
3 cans of Stella
Happy Father's Day
-
A seagull shits on a mobility scooter parked outside a bookies.
-
A seagull shits on a mobility scooter parked outside a bookies.
Happy Father's Day
(More papa day desolation please)
-
You wake with the pressing need to defecate seared into your groggy
early morning mind. That curry the night before wasn't a good idea.
Unfortunately your housemate is luxuriating in the shower, and you know
you won't make it to a toilet before the deed needs doing. You grab a
carrier bag, rip off your boxers and fire. Your aim is mostly true, but a
few globs manage to sidle their way past the open bag onto the hardwood
floor. Before you can react, the foul effluvium descends through the
floorboards into the room below, inevitably hitting the girl you've had a
crush on for the past three years square in her sleeping face. A
scream, a slamming door. You climb back into bed, unwiped, and pull your
duvet over your head.
-
A guillemot shits over the remnants of a long discarded No War For Oil placard.
-
‘Come down, we are going to have a great time!’ I’m in full clown
outfit, but he doesn’t look up. And I try again. And he looks at me and
says, ‘Why don’t you just fuck off!’ He was six that day.
From here (http://gu.com/p/49eg4)
-
As his demented cockerel's withered vocal chords decree a new day of
severe back pain, stains and lamb death, a numb farmer pulls back the
sheets, raises his bariatric wife's nightie and with a 40-year matured
grimace, stares at her fluttering, pubey arsehole as it unleashes a
shrieking poem of shitty wind towards his carbuncled nose.
-
An escaped pig gets its trotter trapped down an open grid. A Range
Rover speeds past an hour later. The driver snorts a laugh to himself.
-
A 57 year old man with psoriasis walks his ageing dog on Saddleworth
moor, unknowingly he unleashes the mite-infested decrepit beast to
laboriously piss and shit on the exact spot three murdered children are
buried.
Miles away at the same instant Ian Brady achieves a dull fatigued orgasm wanking off while thinking of those children.
-
After a frantic bout of passionate snogging and undressing, a woman
pauses to stare at the full pallid nudity of Andy Crane and just says
"No".
-
A morbidly obese man approaches former Brookside actor Dean Sullivan
for an autograph but neither of them has a pen or paper, Sullivan
shakes his head in disgust and walks away.
-
An acid casualty dropkicks an already-dead hedgehog off the side of a
bus shelter with Jonny Wilkinson precision, to make up for the many
inadequecies of his own fucked up life.
-
Peter Parker tells Gwen Stacy that he can't see her anymore, as he
fears that his relationship with her will lead to her demise. Patriarchy
strikes again!!
-
Welcome to a new form of poetry - Northern Noun Desolation. Thanks to my muse Thomas Bronte who has seen NND through from its fertile beginnings elsewhere. I digress.
Stone
Concrete. Glass. Pamphlet.
Catarrh. Roy. Grease.
Change. Tab. Slab
Tarmac. Cactus. Neice.
Bureau. Hinges. Brass.
Latch. Doberman. Shovel.
Caravan. Hovel. Catch.
Gravel.
Estate. Exhaust. Estranged.
Deranged.
Garage. Marriage. Beans.
Embankment. Escarpment. Sack.
Ruth. Plug. Chains.
Jeans.
Mains.
-
(http://www.billboard.com/files/styles/promo_650/public/media/sex-pistols-credit-cards-2015-billboard-650.jpg?itok=XfWzwiCT)
In a press release, Virgin Money added that it was, "time for consumers to put a little bit of rebellion in their pocket."
http://www.billboard.com/articles/columns/rock/6590760/sex-pistols-credit-card-master-virgin-money-john-lydon-sid-vicious
This is not a joke. This is not an art project. You can have one of these in your wallet. You, we, are fucked
-
^ the fact you appear upset by that is pretty fucking bleak.
-
A woman reminds her ugly children they have the acoholism gene, then
proves it by bringing out the photo album containing pictures of four
generations of Billingsley's vomiting full bottles of rotgut Rioja onto
minor celebrities chests. The children can't decide if "who?" or "why?"
is the more depressing question.
-
Bedsit in Swindon. Five hungry mouths. Baked beans in an old paint
pot. A chipped Sun Newspaper mug as a ladle. Handle missing.
-
Jim Davidson thinks "I'm doing alright with my life" whilst having a shit in the gents at Macclesfield train station.
-
On his first day off for months, a hot and weary stepdad is forcibly
dragged around Paulton's Park on an oppressively warm 'Father's Day'
with all the excited kids in tow. He wouldn't mind it so much if he
didn't have to be back there to scrub dried diarrhea off the toilets
next to Peppa's Big Balloon Ride at 7 sharp the following morning.
-
Whilst on a drunken night out with some friends, Jon gets accused by
the woman he secretly loves of 'dad dancing' before she turns away to
dance with someone else. He laughs it off and steps it up a notch,
thinking to himself: 'the joke's on you, I'm childless and infertile'.
-
A bunch of modern people in a bus stop ignore a beautiful sunset and
rainbow 2-for-1, in favour of updating Facebook with inane drivel from
their bullshit lives.
An elderly Priest delivers his final ever
sermon with a shitty cassock, following an unfortunate toilet mishap
earlier in the day. 2 people attend - the organist and a deaf tramp.
A
1960s washer woman loses her two favourite sons in a house fire,
leaving her with the other son Gary, a mono-browed simpleton who
dry-humps signposts and exposes himself to children in bomb-sites.
-
On
his first day off for months, a hot and weary stepdad is forcibly
dragged around Paulton's Park on an oppressively warm 'Father's Day'
with all the excited kids in tow. He wouldn't mind it so much if he
didn't have to be back there to scrub dried diarrhea off the toilets
next to Peppa's Big Balloon Ride at 7 sharp the following morning.
Good. What I've been seeking from you lot.
-
A pub, 'The Fucking Shithole' closes its doors.
It'll open again at midday tomorrow.
-
An unemployed 28 year old, in a fit of extreme boredom and mild madness decides to weigh his bollocks on his kitchen scales.
His 9 year old son looks on through the doorway.
When
his dad reads him a story that bedtime, he never brings it up, he just
holds onto it until it manifests as an ulcer 15 years later.
-
A married man watches endless 5-minute samples of low resolution
British porn movies on XHamster - all joyless, awkward
going-through-the-motions thrusting between the same ugly skinhead and a
series of bored women. Frustrated, his penis goes flaccid and he falls
asleep to a buffering video of a plumber wanking over a C-Section belly.
The video quickly fades out just before the money shot.
-
In a Rhyl 'nitespot', a divorced harridan with a turkey wattle neck
shuffles her corned beef legs to Aqua's 'Barbie Girl'. She rarely
looks in the mirror these days.
A junkie with no teeth and tits
like a spaniels ears is denied a £50 crisis loan. She steals a
pensioner's bag later that day and spends the £18.60 on a phone top up
and scratchcards.
A sunny day is ruined by a wasp and dogshit.
-
Sick of being laughed at for his assertions that he is still one of
the greatest fighters in the world, 50 year old Bernard Hopkins punches
himself in the testicles to prove he still has what it takes. Not only
does it prove his career is over it proves that his hopes of ever
getting an erection again without having to resort to violence to be
delusional. He cry wanks his rage boner into a coma wishing he'd gone to
culinary school instead. Dead soon? If only, 35 more years of this
brain damaged forced alpha shit still to go.
-
Shaun Ryder searches frantically for his last pill, relief washes
over him as he fingers the last Zantac in his shirt pocket.
-
A group of hateful but photogenic American teenagers get lost in a
sprawling forest whilst trying to escape the clutches of a
snaggle-toothed madman. They hear an approaching 4x4 and flag it down,
before realising to their horror that it's being driven by the aforementioned lunatic who is trying to kill them all.
-
A group of hateful but photogenic American teenagers get lost in a
sprawling forest whilst trying to escape the clutches of a
snaggle-toothed madman. They succeed in escaping, go on to have long and
fruitful lives, and each make a fortune off the back of their
encounter.
-
After feeling a slight twinge in his underpants as he glances over
to his mother's open casket, he closes his eyes. 'Not here, Geoff... Not
today.'
-
A Glastonbury attendee leans over and watches in despair as his
iphone 6 slides out of his top pocket and into the bowl of a chemical
toilet, disappearing into the humid fecal mass below. In years to come
he reflects that this was his punishment for being the kind of twat who
goes to Glastonbury.
-
A twat arrives at Glastonbury with a Kings of Leon t-shirt on.
-
A band plays in front of a crowd at Reading Festival.
-
David Baddiel plans a comeback.
-
David Baddiel makes an ill-judged comeback at the Download Festival.
-
David Baddiel downloads a Kings of Leon, Reading Festival boootleg.
-
As he shuffles through the aisles of Morrisons at fuck off o'clock,
an unravelling midlife husk is suddenly struck by how the once
triumphant chorus of Katrina and the Waves' Walking On Sunshine now
sounds so unutterably sad, yearning and defeated.
-
A man with locked in syndrome develops an auditory hallucination
that sounds like Brother Beyond filtered through an echo chamber. The
sunlight burns his retinas behind unblinking eyes.
-
February 2002: An entrepreneur running a DVD pressing operation out
of his garage gets his first order, 300 copies of Neck-Fuck-Sluts 2. He
sits with his ashen faced wife watching the test pressing.
-
"I've left you and taken the kids with me" scrawled on the back of a losing lottery ticket on the kitchen table.
He only noticed it when going to grab a beer from the fridge before bed. He's been in all day.
-
A hirsute wife promises her husband a 'Steak and Blowjob Night' for
his birthday. His excitement turns to dust when she serves him up a
Dalepak Ribsteak and Micro Chips.
-
On an thistle, nettle and loneliness-ridden patch of shitland, a
neglected little boy called Ian clashes his cow pat cymbals whilst he
glumly eyeballs the necrotic apron of rabbit skin he's rolled into the
rough shape of a bugle, wondering why his imaginary sister isn't parping
it.
-
A Doors cover band plays almost an entire set to blank uncheering
faces until they encore with "Light My Fire" and get a smattering of
applause for "doing a slightly off version of that Will Young song".
-
Michael Gove peers out of his bedroom window.
An ocean of
concrete, distressed, discoloured and vast stretches out in front of him
to the limits of a shimmering horizon, littered with the carcasses of
humans from aeons past, weathered and ruined, as a desert gale blows
across the surface.
He smiles.
-
A fat-bottomed Nigerian immigrant is laughed down by some brothers
on a Brixton estate, after trying to impress them with - what he thought
were contemporary - Bill & Ted quotes.
A weekend dad spends
an entire Saturday car-detailing whilst his kids sit inside going out of
their minds on Peppa Pig and dry fig rolls.
Horton hears a case of severe domestic abuse.
-
A
Doors cover band plays almost an entire set to blank uncheering faces
until they encore with "Light My Fire" and get a smattering of applause
for "doing a slightly off version of that Will Young song".
A Doors cover band.
-
A Doors cover band.
a door
-
A man with a once high metabolism feels his gradually engorging stomach.
-
A man with a once high metabolism feels his gradually engorging stomach.
man makes autobiographical post on interneft oforum, no-one feels sorry.
A man with a once small fforehead feels his gradually receding hairline.
-
A drunken, overly boisterous student gets into his first ever fight
in a bar. Thinking of how impressive and badass it'll look, he attempts a
pro-wrestling dropkick on his opponent.
He crashes noisily and
painfully to the ground, having made contact with nobody. The entire bar
erupts in hysterics. Having landed awkwardly on his hip, all he can do
is lie there.
-
A man with a once high metabolism feels his gradually engorging stomach.
i read this in the voice of the faceless man from game of thrones for some reason and it made me chuckle.
-
A man with a once small forehead finally learns how to talk to girls. He goes bald practically overnight.
-
http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-england-leeds-33127986
One of those horrible 'real' ones.
-
http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-england-leeds-33127986
One of those horrible 'real' ones.
Didn't understand this bit
He spoke to the victim and said the cuts had been due to a domestic argument with his wife."
-
He spoke to the victim and said the cuts had been due to a domestic argument with his wife."
I assume the attacker already had cuts on him when he approached the woman and explained them that way.
Fuck it, if we can use bleak news stories, then this one (http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/wales/7396593.stm).
-
Yeah, that's bleak. I mean oven chips, Christ.
-
A cat does a piss on a slab.
-
A college lad sprays Slazenger Sport over his bellend before a night out in Middlesbrough, 'just in case'.
- He needn't have bothered.
-
A person utters the sentence "who's pinched my chips?"
-
A college lad sprays Slazenger Sport over his bellend before a night out in Middlesbrough, 'just in case'.
No-one ever does that more than once.
-
A man buys the love of his life an Aleksandr Orlov themed Valentine's Day card from a Clinton's in Luton
-
A couple in matching Sheffield Wednesday away shirts are told they
can't have children by a GP with overwhelming dogshit breath.
An Irishman in flared trousers is arrested for a sex crime he didn't commit.
LS Lowry has a bad crap in a menacing Penrith toilet.
-
Backstage at a Watford tripe plant, and as her sister's ex
slides his underblooded, sheathless member into her from behind, a once
hotly-tipped paddling pool designer rightly worries that her keenly
dangleberried arse pubes are being perfectly illuminated by the
faultering pulses of white, unnatural candela stuttering from the strip
lighting above.
-
Having not had any human interaction for a month, Greg sits in his
dilapidated bedsit flicking through a TV mag, even though his TV's been
broken for a year. Even wanks have become boring and pleasureless.
After
hearing of her husband's death over the phone, one of Janice's first
thoughts is "I'll finally be able to get away with it" as she stares at
her dog's exposed bollocks.
-
I somehow think the juxtaposition of "There is no cure for Alisa's
MND. There is very little time" and #LastSummer, somehow sparks utter
desolation.
(https://pbs.twimg.com/media/CHNrH5MVAAAdJen.jpg)
-
The most desolate thing for me there is how the words "MOTOR NEURONE
DISEASE" are in the background of the highlighted "ICE BUCKET
CHALLENGE".
-
(http://i.imgur.com/FuLFAxi.png?1)
I'd like to draw particular attention to the price, Suzanne Moore, and the event
-
This is textbook bleak.
(http://s30.postimg.org/tsug386hd/bleak.png)
-
Dannyhood91 posts in wrong thread. Goes out and buys meth to relive humiliation. Desolation.
-
Finding, Jimmy Savile was ere, on a murdered childs grsvestone.
-
I get assigned to a project concerning users of child pornography. Meanwhile, outside the window, a seagull eats a pigeon.
-
(http://i.imgur.com/FuLFAxi.png?1)
I'd like to draw particular attention to the price, Suzanne Moore, and the event
first ever wank at 12.
-
My vague recollection of ice bucket challenge is that it was to raise funds/awareness for ISIL.
-
In the middle of the street opposite Parliament Square, an old man
complains loudly and obscenely to his severely disabled,
wheelchair-bound wife about the surrounding modern architecture compared
to the old, gesticulating dramatically to further hammer home his
points, which his wife cares fuck all about. It is past 11 at night
after all.
-
In the prison library, Gary Glitter stumbles upon an old computer
manual from the 90s. The very first chapter explains in intricate detail
how to transfer files from a PC to an exernal hard drive.
-
Alf Alfredson dies a day after Torquay get relegated to the Vanarama National League South.
A
lifelong Gulls supporter he used to regale fellow fans with the story
that he attended the club's Devon Senior Cup win in 1922 - perhaps their
highest accolade.
In the intervening years he has diligently
followed his team, attending over 90% of their games home and away, only
missing a handful due to sickness and a stint in prison.
Alf, the eternal optimist, claimed that Torquay would see Top Division glory in his lifetime. Sadly it was not to be.
However,
in the ensuing seasons, a remarkable turnaround in form sees the team
rise back through the league, culminating in an unprecedented national
and european cup quintuple that cements their place in the upper
echelons of world football for the next century.
A herring gull shits on Alf's faded gravestone.
-
The haunting melody of Ruxpin's I Miss You
(https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QcYKhZg7tjs) soundtracks my funeral. A
peopleless ceremony conducted by Japanese imported robots.
Later, a herring gull shits on my gravestone as a robot nightwatchman weeps in the gloaming.
-
A painfully stoic, middle-class Auntie shoves a cheap, battered toy
umbrella through her 7-year old nephew's letterbox. Because it was his
birthday 2 days prior, it is assumed to be a late birthday present. She
does not leave a card - she doesn't even knock on the door to wish him a
happy birthday, that would be awkward and involve kindness. The 7-year
old recognizes the umbrella as the exact same one that was part of a set
given to his cousin for their birthday 5 months previously. That's because it IS the same umbrella.
When
she dies prematurely some 11 years later, this is the only thing the
now 18-year old can think about during her funeral as the music begins
and the curtains open..
(Reader, I was that child)
-
A threatening final demand letter for unpaid installments on a Jill
Dando Commemorative Plate plops onto the doormat of a Rochdale pensioner
- three days after his funeral.
-
A
threatening final demand letter for unpaid installments on a Jill Dando
Commemorative Plate plops onto the doormat of a Rochdale pensioner,
three days after his funeral.
A
threatening final demand letter for unpaid instalments on a Jill Dando
Commemorative Plate plops onto the doormat of a Rochdale pensioner on
the last day of his life.
-
A man, 29 wracks his brains to remember a Jill Dando joke about failing the Daz doorstep challenge.
-
A naive Japanese tourist spends her final 100 pounds on a Jill Dando
Commemorative tea towel illegally advertised as a Princess Diana tea
towel.
She doesn't have enough money to book any accommodation that night so ends up sleeping in Kensington under the tea towel.
A gaggle of Albanian schoolchildren find her badly beaten corpse sans tea towel in the Serpentine the next morning.
Later that evening, a junkie (and murderer) shits in the aforementioned tea towel and flings it at the Barbican.
Some
centuries later, archaeologists find the remnants of the tea towel and
the spiritual leader of the group hails it as a holy relic.
The
tea towel is paraded through the now united holy land of Israelestine
but one keen eyed historian notes the discrepancy between the image and
the text which causes a religious upheaval so violent that 96% of
humanity destroy themselves in bloody war.
The location of the tea towel is to this day unknown.
-
More creepy than desolate.
Arriving home late tonight I heard
a melody emerging from the low shrubbery. I went over and I could hear
happy birthday being played through a tinny, tiny speaker - perhaps a
discarded child's toy or musical birthday card tossed deep into the
bush.
After a few repeats, the tune started to deteriorate like some horror movie where the doll's voice becomes distorted.
Static howls mutated the popular ditty into demonic bursts of malevolence.
I
quickly made my way inside the flat, but figure I can still faintly
hear the now mournful notes just outside my window in the still night.
-
DP terror
-
Without anything even approaching a clue about women and what they
like in men, 37 year old Jake listlessly taps in the names of all two of
his ex girlfriends on Facebook. They are both married to bald men. In a
fit of insane piqué, he shaves his head, only to discover that he too
is losing his hair. A frantic Google search for 'Tindr' only results in a
series of error messages and the eventual ultimate irretrievable loss
of his laptop.
-
A geriatric teenager, engrossed in reading posts about faecal
incontinence on an online comedy forum, shits himself repeatedly while
laughing at the irony.
-
A Bedfordshire man unsuccessfully proposes marriage to a dinghy.
-
An American who is obsessed with genealogy and family history saves
up for years to take his family to the town of his ancestors. They
arrive in Luton and start crying.
-
Blodders places the unopened copy of Carol Vorderman's Sudoko DVD in
the recycle bin - a DVD that is inexplicably contained within a
redundant outer box with the same images and text as on the main DVD
packaging.
-
I 50 year old snaps at his frail wife out of frustration after failing at the maze on the back of a Coco Pops box.
-
A grotty nothing, inspired by Crash, parks by an accident
black spot. The head of his cock - an unimpressive rod of pale
35-year-old flesh, untroubled for all that time by female touch -
nestles in the sticky neck of a drained Lucozade bottle. He waits for
hours. A cyclist wobbles slightly after swerving around a pot hole.
That's it.
-
An ill-tempered midget with one distended nostril organises a surprise birthday party for himself and forgets to come.
-
A swimming pool is closed down in Rhyl.
-
A swimming pool is opened in Rhyl.
-
Rhyl
-
A virgin plumber spends all day working in the homes of middle-aged divorcees, and realises that porn has lied to him.
A
robotic Bright House employee sets up an unrealistic payment plan on a
Henry Hoover for a naive, vulnerable pensioner. That night, he sleeps
like a log.
A whelk is pecked to death by demented seagulls on his 379th birthday.
-
(http://i.imgur.com/FJfCIew.jpg?2)
-
^Where is that?
-
^Where is that?
rhyl swimming pool
-
^Where is that?
Somewhere in Blackpool.
Apparently the other side reads "WE SELL POPPERS"
-
Several members of the House of Lords buy poppers in Wrexham in 1986.
-
When no-one is looking, Geoffrey off of Rainbow kicks the shit out
of Zippy, Bungle and George for ruining his chances with women.
-
A dispute over a can of beans with a stranger in Asda leads to a broken jaw, an affair and ultimately divorce.
-
The world's tallest dwarf has a dream about sexy girls ruined by the sudden appearance of Enoch Powell shitting in a bin.
-
Requests. Questions. Insults. Gates. Stingers. Bravado. Retorts.
Padlocks. Itching powder plants. A gate within a gate. Yorkshire.
Ramblers armed with Pentel pens. War.
(http://i570.photobucket.com/albums/ss147/jamieh999/gatewar_zpsi8oag2cx.jpg)
(http://s570.photobucket.com/user/jamieh999/media/gatewar_zpsi8oag2cx.jpg.html)
-
Adam Sandler, plugging Grown-Ups 2, wearing a 4chan meme
t-shirt, making an enormous batch of meatballs, on Guy Fieri's TV show.
(https://youtu.be/5FJOc66X7oM?t=12m56s)
-
After their youngest child finally flies the nest, a married couple
in Dundalk realize they have absolutely nothing in common with each
other, and fuck-all to talk about.
It was all a big baby-producing sham.
-
A Shoreditch cunt who is tired of his homemade smoothies always
being too thick to drink starts pissing in them to help with the
consistency. He finds it helps with the taste too. Within a month he is
the main beverage provider for the Cereal Killer Cafe.
-
A confused nonce calls ChildLine and asks to speak to a 'hot
Brownie'. Thwarted but still horny, he sellotapes a cutout photo of
Dakota Fanning's head to his telly screen, switches to Babestation and
waits for an alignment.
-
The woman who 'sang' the Chucklevision theme tune begins the menopause, a day after the humiliation of using a Coin Star machine to raise funds for some teabags.
-
I just looked outside to see if the postman's about & saw a
bloke, clearly pissed at 11am, throwing what looked like a set of keys
up at a third story attic roof window, mostly missing, shouting
"Lerrusssssin!"
#npc
-
A groom asks his new bride to wear a thick moustache and perform fellatio on him while still wearing her wedding dress.
A man with hare lip chokes on a steak bake, collapses and dies in a puddle of dog piss.
A
fey gayblade buys a tiny annoying rat of dog. His steroid using
lover, complete with Village People 'tache crushes its head out of its
arsehole during a scat based ' roid rage incident.
-
A married ne'er do well returns home from a stint in prison. Peace
and quiet, a sex life, unlimited Xbox time, the freedom to do what he
wants, when he wants - Just some of the many things he's going to miss
from HMP Parkhurst.
-
http://www.yeoldeoak.co.uk/recipes-detail/2668/pensioners-noodles
-
http://www.yeoldeoak.co.uk/recipes-detail/2668/pensioners-noodles
Where did the sausages go?
-
http://www.yeoldeoak.co.uk/recipes-detail/2668/pensioners-noodles
I've had a tin of Ye Olde Oak before. Chicken curry, I think it was. Never again.
-
I was fine all the way through town back to my house & opening
the door. But, as soon as I shut the front door, I suddenly very
violently & with no warning wanted to go to toilet. The pressure on
my bladder was extraordinary & the urgency was such that by the time
I had managed to get upstairs & wrestle my belt open, as I was
frantically pulling my jeans / kecks down, my muscles had gone numb
& piss was falling out of my cock, which was pointing down &
away from the bowl. For some reason, instead of grabbing my dick &
aiming it at the toilet, I spun around & sat down, thinking, I
think, that was the quickest way to aim a gravity-loving verticle piss.
This only caused a lot of piss to be pissed over the back of my kecks,
jeans & trainers, the floor & the toilet seat between my legs
& eventually on my legs. It was like moving a hose (the action not
size, Jenkins) & finding out in the face there was still water in it
from the last time. I felt like Lucy Ewing.
-
Where did the sausages go?
Senility, mate.
-
An also-ran GNER revenue protection officer unconsciously spells out
TITS BEAN DEATH in Costcutter own brand baked beans on the back of a
eleven-day old Daily Star, whilst gazing tonelessly at a large breasted
vegetable ice cream inventor called Ma-Moonah cutting a deal with Peter
Jones on Dragons' Den.
-
A man realises that his local hardware shop does not stock the
replacement part he needs to buy to stop his toilet from overflowing.
He must venture further afield.
His nearest options are Luton, Dunstable or Milton Keynes[1]
-
A toddler, who was destined to invent a cure for cancer, dies from
septicaemia after cutting his foot on the last remaining old-style ring
pulls to be found in the litter of Britain.
-
A gran, 31, buys 'Keith Lemon - The Film' for her 2yr old grandson
on his birthday. Later that day she takes him to a playpark with a
lethally imbalanced see-saw and a banana slide with 'suck my cock'
daubed on it in shit.
-
A 58-year-old man urinates in his trousers while performing to hundreds of adoring fans at a music festival.
-
A pederast signs up as an overseas Unicef aid worker. "Easy
pickings", he mutters as he places pack after pack of Haribo in
his suitcase.
-
A frustrated member of an internet comedy forum undertakes his
revenge for not getting any positive karma from his latest entry.
With
his time machine built he takes his vial of baldness/phismosis causing
mutagen compound and sets out to pollute the water supplies of as many
forum members as he can track down.
During his travel back in
time he decides to stop off half way in order to but some of his
favourite drink (Sunny Delight) when it was at its prime. In the
supermarket queue he accidently spills some mutagen on up-and-coming TV
starlet Gail Porter.
She is immediately affected and the
symptoms can be visibly seen as baldness plus the effects displayed by a
female phismosis sufferer[1].
-
Fat backed sweaty mess Malcom pays to have sex with a shaved
orangutan in a small village secreted deep in the Bornean jungle . He
saved up for 10 years to make this trip. His family think he's on
business in Geneva.
Phillis likes to eat caterpillars. One sunny
summer afternoon in the grounds of the care home she managed to scoff
about 19 when no one was looking.
Gareth collects moths.
-
A teenager has his first ever wet dream, about two rats fucking in a
bin out the back of a takeaway. The following night as he masturbates,
he pictures the rat sex, and has the best orgasm he will ever
experience.
-
The person you most fancied in school is now married to somebody who
is infinitely wealthier, better looking and wittier than you.
-
A chavette - whose dad could be one of seven people - throws a
half-eaten Push-Pop under a park bench in Basingstoke. It slowly morphs
throughout the day into a hideous sticky blob which later poisons and
kills a family of hedgehogs.
-
A cackling, black-bearded seaman slams the lid down on the bucket of writhing, foot-long girls as his vessel the Merchant Bastard bobs atrociously off the Alnwick coastline. AHAHHAHAHAHHAHHA there's me livebait, he thinks, loudly, in a fisherman's accent.
-
A man resembling a crap Picasso drops his wallet near a bevy of
gorgeous college girls. The contents cruelly spill onto the hot pavement
- a dead moth, dental floss that reeks of cock, the key for a
scrapped Volvo, and a lonely, dry, triple-thick condom - cos you never
know.
-
WOAHHHH forgot I'd already posted that! changed to that one instead! don't like showing my working!
-
A 7-year old foster child shrieks with glee whilst mowing down prostitutes on Grand Theft Auto.
-
I had to phone my house mate because of an issue with the fire
alarm. The phone call began abruptly with “Who is this?”. “Steven”, I
said. Exuberantly he replied, “Oh Hi mate. Your name didn't come up on
my phone. New phone?” “No, I said”. “Weird, he replied, before asking
eagerly "So, what’s up mate?”. “Well, Dave gave me the battery for the
fire alarm last night…” and before I could continue, he groaned out “Oh,
that Steve… you know, you just sound like my mate Ste from Bury”. As a
Lancastrian myself, I could understand his confusion before noting that
the tone of his voice had swiftly changed. “So, what’s the problem?” he
said, more matter of factly.
In the fraction of a second of space
that it took me to reply, I had realised that I caught a glimpse of
what it would be like to be his friend. The warmth of his voice, and his
eagerness to talk, and how by implication this meant that I was below
an associate. Simply a house mate.
After the phone call ended,
and the matter of the fire alarm was dealt with, I wondered who is this
Ste from Bury? Why couldn’t I be Ste from Bury?
-
Welcome to CaB, where you can be everyone's Ste from Bury.[1]
-
I
had to phone my house mate because of an issue with the fire alarm. The
phone call began abruptly with “Who is this?”. “Steven”, I said.
Exuberantly he replied, “Oh Hi mate. Your name didn't come up on my
phone. New phone?” “No, I said”. “Weird, he replied, before asking
eagerly "So, what’s up mate?”. “Well, Dave gave me the battery for the
fire alarm last night…” and before I could continue, he groaned out “Oh,
that Steve… you know, you just sound like my mate Ste from Bury”. As a
Lancastrian myself, I could understand his confusion before noting that
the tone of his voice had swiftly changed. “So, what’s the problem?” he
said, more matter of factly.
In the fraction of a second of space
that it took me to reply, I had realised that I caught a glimpse of
what it would be like to be his friend. The warmth of his voice, and his
eagerness to talk, and how by implication this meant that I was below
an associate. Simply a house mate.
After the phone call ended,
and the matter of the fire alarm was dealt with, I wondered who is this
Ste from Bury? Why couldn’t I be Ste from Bury?
Soundtracked by
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ChsYZufzuyU (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ChsYZufzuyU)
"Why couldn't I be Ste from Bury?"
"Fucking Ste from Bury?"
"Ste from Bury?"
"Ste from Bury?"
-
(http://c.files.bbci.co.uk/15ADA/production/_83949788_tessdaly_vernonkay_pa.jpg)
Tess
feels the worms slither and crawl inside. Nevertheless, she keeps on
smiling...that plastic smile she has worn ever since Vernon's
indiscretion.
-
Miriam feels the light caress of fingertips on the nape of her
neck. She knows that the touch is accidental, but dreams of a life
wherein it is deliberate, clandestine and sure to aggravate Herbert,
who sits beside her pretending to be engrossed in the tennis while his
mind drifts back to that single happy moment of his childhood -
receiving an acceptance letter from Jim'll Fix It.
-
A 42 -year-old second unit director on Celebrity Apprentice
serruptitiously gathers b-roll of a mentally handicapped little person
stomping through a fountain.
-
Macclesfield, 1971. An orange Mini crashes violently into a dead
Sycamore tree, after swerving to avoid the corpse of a badger. The
trapped occupants die horribly and slowly in the ensuing inferno.
-
After years of practice, a wheelchair bound woman ties a cherry stem
in a knot with her tongue at a party. There is a hesitant, light
smattering of applause but nobody gets the reference at all. Somebody
pats her on the head and she is completely ignored for the rest of the
evening.
-
A nihilistic young child describes an LS Lowry masterpiece as 'gay' during a school trip nobody wanted to be on.
A baldie cat coughs up a dead, mashed-up vole during a game of pass the parcel for underprivileged children.
A gypsy has a shit in someone else's shoe on the hottest day of the year. Does he wipe his arse? Does he fuck.
-
The moment when you return to the crushing disappointment of your
wasted life after reading old love letters from a time when hope and
possibility sprang forth eternal and you both felt sure the world would
bow before your genius. You haven't spoken in nearly seven years, but a
cursory search of the internet shows you that the writer of the letters
is now leading a rich, interesting and fulfilling life. Meanwhile,
you're sitting there in your undies crying over their handwritten
paeans, surrounded by the wreckage of a life gone terribly wrong.
-
"All
the evidence has been aired publicly in a court of law and the jury
have made their decision. That is a decision we respect."
-
A gypsy has a shit in a blind man's shoe on the hottest day of the year. Does he wipe his arse? Does he fuck.
-
A pensioner collapses and shits himself in queue for a free Frappuccino sample at Starbucks in Derby.
A
toddler calls his Gran a 'stupid whore cunt' when she refuses him
another Capri Sun. "Just like his Dad", she thinks as she reaches
for another sugary drink.
A chinese takeaway owner spunks a
months takings in 20 minutes at the local casino. He climbs over
the barrier on a nearby bridge and prepares to end it all. Before he can
muster up the courage he slips on a pigeon carcass and plummets to his
death.
-
A boy sees his mum's youtube search history. He learns four new
diseases, five swear words, and eight racial slurs in a minute.
-
A Tesco carrier bag blowing in the wind attacks an old man's face
causing him to stumble into the gutter. Suddenly realising his frailty
and mortality, he weeps quietly whilst hoping someone comes to his aid.
Meanwhile a video of the incident receives 500,000 likes on Youtube.
-
snapchat in the back of the bizzie van
(current news)
-
A
chinese takeaway owner spunks a months takings in 20 minutes at the
local casino. He climbs over the barrier on a nearby bridge and
prepares to end it all. Before he can muster up the courage he slips on a
pigeon carcass and plummets to his death.
Later,
as she picks up his belongings from the station, his wife is grateful
that she doesn't have to fork out for chicken to satisfy the customers,
at least for that night.
-
Having reached nadir, Tom O'Conner sits, cross-legged, in front of a
full-length mirror, naked but for a ragged pair of powder blue
y-fronts. It is the dead of night but there are no lights on. For hours,
he stares at his dim reflection, gazing into the black pits of his own
eyes. 'It's over, cunt.', he whispers, repeating it over and over, a
thousand times or more. 'Is this a breakdown?', the decrepit former quiz
master wonders. He is surprised to find the idea excites him. He pushes
on towards morning.
-
You get on a bus, a kooky woman in a wheelchair parks up opposite
you. She's about 39 but has dyed green hair and is wearing a Belle &
Sebastian t-shirt. They're your favourite band. You are attracted to
her and she to you, and wish you could say hi, and talk about favourite
tunes, but you can't muster up the confidence. You are the son and the
heir of a shyness that is criminally vulgar. The windows steam up so you
can't even look out of them as a form of escapism. The Kooky woman
thinks you don't want to talk to her because she's disabled. But it's
not, it's not. The next 27 minutes are excruciating. You get off the
bus, sure that you hear the words 'ignorant bastard' being mumbled. You
step out into an indifferent world, go to the job you hate and wish you
were someone else.
-
Three twenty something wasters sit on a wet high street with their
cobbled together music equipment, playing jungle music to a couple of
baffled and woefully underdressed middle aged women caught in a storm.
-
A blackbird diligently picks through a plastic bag in a bin. When it
finally gets through the seemingly impenetrable layer of plastic, it
reaches its catch: a used condom. The bird flies off with the condom in
its beak.
-
A Victorian dimwit loses his virginity to an Islington whore dog.
An impatient dad calls his son a 'fucking Spakkanaut' in the reduced section of Iceland.
A ripped Panini sticker of Justin Fashanu inside the locker of a condemned leisure centre.
-
Police are called to a disturbance at a Last of The Summer Wine Fan
Club outing. "Better call for body bags," one officer says as he surveys
the carnage.
-
An octogenerian kills his wife, she has dementia, he needs to go
into hospital but cannot find respite care for her. Then he kills
himself. (http://www.bbc.com/news/uk-england-cumbria-33376317)
-
A mans willy always dribbles loads after he's had a piss. His nickname around the office is Patch Adam.
A 2 year old twat of a child pokes the loving family dog in the eye and laughs as it whimpers.
Steve notices blood on the bog roll after wiping, "probably just the piles" he thinks. It isn't.
Ashley,
a shy but curious child, spends 10 minutes patiently and carefully
following a butterfly round the garden, finally after much coaxing he
manages to get it to rest on his finger. He stares in a moment of pure
rapturous enchantment at the universe, before his step dad boots a
football full force into his face and tells him to stop being such a
"stupid fuckin poof".
Nina still makes two cups of tea every morning, he's been dead for 17 years but she can't break the habit.
A
small hobbity man with a face like a haunted shoe sucks out the
contents of a raw egg through a meticulously drilled hole in the shell.
-
Police
are called to a disturbance at a Last of The Summer Wine Fan Club
outing. "Better call for body bags," one officer says as he surveys the
carnage.
"oh, and get forensics for the bathtub, Geoff"
-
A Pro-Life tee-totaller with bronchitis attends a Doug Stanhope gig.
-
Seconds before showtime Mark E. Smith cackles at his band: 'right
lads, time to show these cunts some real fugging professsshhhhnalism" as
they stare in horror at the rapidly expanding wet patch on his
trousers.
-
A miserable and snobbish woman makes a formal complaint in a Tesco
Express to the gormless teenager behind the till after failing to find a
Coca Cola bottle with her name on it.
She'll be forever
oblivious to the murderous looks the customers held up in the queue
behind her are giving to the back of her head.
-
The smell of your own bum-crack during a needlessly harsh disciplinary hearing.
A
young dad, forced to take his whingeing kids to a Family Fun Day when
the World Cup is on the telly. He doesn't even like Football.
The agony of explaining modern technology to an elderly relative who still says 'coloured people.'
Keith Harris's Twitter Account
Peter Sissons walking past a sewer during a thunderstorm.
-
On trial for burglary and theft, with your life in ruins, the judge
suddenly realises that she went to school with you, and describes you as
the 'best kid' she used to know in middle school. Initially delighted
to be reunited with your old friend, you suddenly realise the desperate
and awful circumstances, and the heartbreaking mess you've made of your
life; you break down in tears.
Don't worry though, nothing as pisstakingly awful as that could happen in real life.
http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/video_and_audio/must_see/33376376
-
On
trial for burglary and theft, with your life in ruins, the judge
suddenly realises that she went to school with you, and describes you as
the 'best kid' she used to know in middle school. Initially delighted
to be reunited with your old friend, you suddenly realise the desperate
and awful circumstances, and the heartbreaking mess you've made of your
life; you break down in tears.
Don't worry though, nothing as pisstakingly awful as that could happen in real life.
http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/video_and_audio/must_see/33376376
She rubbed it in a bit, didn't she? Judges are always so fucking smug.
-
A 15 year old's over used wank sock is discovered by his mum and nan
and the subject is brought up around the dinner table in front of his
first ever girlfriend.
-
(http://i56.photobucket.com/albums/g165/muguguyman/57359455-7e03-4d4a-a284-ee164a370dab_zps2prk03wi.jpg)
Duck confit Aldi-style.
-
The body of a dead girl is found in a plastic bag in Boston harbour.
Horrible. But when people try to express sympathy in the comments,
erm...
(http://i.imgur.com/iKUrWjB.png)
-
The
body of a dead girl is found in a plastic bag in Boston harbour.
Horrible. But when people try to express sympathy in the comments,
erm...
Boston Harbor.
-
A twat falls down a clearly fenced-off open man hole on a drunken night out.
-
In Leeds an honest hardworking man needs a shit after he gets out of the bath.
Sunday morning on an internet comedy forum and a shit poster becomes a new page cunt.
-
36 year old Jack meets up with some old uni friends he hasn't seen
since 2001. They are all some or all of the following: fat, bald,
married, divorced, forever lumbered with kids. He is none of these
things. He thinks he's superior, cock of the walk, a superior human
being. The following morning, his frail mother suffers a fatal heart
attack bringing up his dippy egg and soldiers.
-
A middle of the road stripper involuntarily evacuates her bowels on
stage during a routine soundtracked by Pendulum. Brian involuntarily
orgasms at the sight and smell.
-
Two fatties get stuck in a Greggs doorway. After an asthmatic
struggle, the dominant fatty absorbs the weaker one. The synthesised
fatty is ineligible for a 2 for 1 offer.
-
A cat gets drunk on discarded White Lightning and falls down a drainpipe in Scunthorpe.
A stray dog chokes to death on a bone from a discarded Chicken Cottage box in Wakefield.
-
A sick man who requires space, privacy and peace and quiet to
function normally at home ends up living with two people who don't work
and never leave the house.
-
^ He has my sympathy. My new neighbours are like this. 7 years of
beautiful tranquility, rustling leaves, distant laughter and birdsong
have been mostly wiped away in a weekend by wall-thumping bass,
commercial radio - which I despise more than Hitler - Brummie
accents (in the North East!) and barking dogs. As an introvert who
craves peace and solitude, I have now given up on people completely.
-
Boston Harbor.
Fair enough, but I wasn't taking the piss out of the spelling. It was the horrible bathos that made me post it here.
-
Fair enough, but I wasn't taking the piss out of the spelling. It was the horrible bathos that made me post it here.
-
A diabetic swift with a heart condition is murdered by having its
external pacemaker ripped off and then force-fed half its body weight in
syrup water.
-
Sounds like a lot of effort. Just give him a Toblerone and then make him run up the stairs.
-
A 14 year old boy from Wolverhampton plays Sid Meier's Civilization and names cities after captured ISIS territories.
-
A man attends the funeral of his uncle from his mother's side. He
returns home and waits for his girlfriend to inquire how it went by
telephone. He monitors her Facebook activity, and begins to read a link
that she has just posted on a mutual friend's wall.
-
A tree falls down in a Rainforest and no-one hears it.
Meanwhile, 4,000 miles away in Telford, Martin, 33, is still a fuck-ugly
virgin with Thundercat curtains.
-
A middle aged couple in Barnsley, who passively witnessed their
teenage son collect and become obsessed with Nazi memorabilia, still
fail to connect the dots when he's eventually convicted of a
racially-motivated assault.
-
A woman with Crystal Tipps hair looks through her childhood photographs. Her mother isn't smiling in any of them.
A shy emo is punched in the gut by a chav in a Noddy hat, near a burnt-down Funeral Directors.
A career woman goes on the Joyless Bitch diet.
A clean-cut man goes on the Tedious Bastard diet.
-
A gym man meets a gym woman and they fall in love, they talk about
the gym and nothing else. The wedding cake is in the shape of a flexing
arm, it's made out of wholegrain rice and boiled chicken.
Stuart
accidentally sits on his testicles, the pain of which causes him to
have a heart attack and perish, frozen in rictus, one hand on heart the
other clutching at his scrotum.
A massively stressed out and mentally disturbed mother puts one of her 6 young children in the bin to shut him up.
-
An ice cream van owner from Rhyl pays way over the odds to be stump fucked by a ginger flid in a Premier Inn.
-
Today's real life example - partner of one of the regulars at a
local mental health drop in centre, spends part of today's session going
from 1st, complaining about nearly not any money due to being
undercharged for something or overpaid and having to pay it back/having
to pay council tax eta: he would've been skint if a relative hadn't
leant him money & being charged a fee by his bank for a special
account. Then from that & straight after ranting about
corporate rich/"rich Arabs" having to pay less tax & getting away
with it he goes straight into a rant about "people on benefits"/"on
loads of benefits" *smh*
-
Following a ghastly road traffic accident just outside Milton
Keynes, a Bauhaus fan breaches a police cordon under the pretence of
knowing first aid, just to see what a dead body looks like.
-
A hipster student, thinking he's being edgy and funny as fuck, tries to buy cigarettes using a gun after watching Jam for the first time.
Month later he's found hanged in his cell whilst serving a sentence for armed robbery.
-
A hipster student, thinking he's being edgy and funny as fuck, tries to buy cigarettes using a gun after watching Jam for the first time.
Month later he's found hanged in his cell whilst serving a sentence for armed robbery.
Back on form. A delight to read
-
A bony ex-miner buys a dented tin of Aldi cat food using 2-pence pieces he found in the gutter. Tonight, he can eat.
-
A real-life Superhans does a Hiroshima-shit outside a home for vulnerable badgers.
A
man called Hilary is forced to listen to an 8-bit version of Snow
Patrol's 'Chasing Cars' whilst on hold to a funeral directors.
A former 'Jim'll Fix It' boom-operator is found dead in a well.
-
"I said an egg in a fucking chip!" he shouts, as he throws his open bag of grease-fried potato at the confused Greek proprietor of a chip shop in Leigh.
-
A nervous man in a long-distance relationship drops his colleague's baby as "Firework" plays on the office radio.
A
cancer patient vaults a stile as if to prove a cosmic point, and his
right foot lands square in the centre of a fresh cow pat. His next
step plants his left foot into another, different cow pat. His
body stops fighting.
A man in his early thirties intently studies his Microsoft Excel flowchart of his many contradictory lies.
-
A 47 year old dipshit with Napoleon Complex body-shames a gorgeous
plus-size model on Twitter. He just misses the ensuing shitstorm after
his mam calls him down for tea.
-
Day of the budget announcement; Iain Duncan Smith stands naked staring into his full length bathroom mirror.
He sighs.
-
A man balances his iPod Touch on the top of the shower unit so he
can watch porn as he masturbates. It is hit by an errant spray
from the bollocks-focused shower head causes the phone to fall onto its
front. Pausing momentarily to pick it up, the man resumes his
onanism.
-
A terminally ill man smiles as he surveys his family gathered around
his hospital bed- his death bed- to say goodbye. The smile stays on his
lips as they part to emit his dying breath.
Within seconds of
his passing, the first argument about his will breaks out. His body is
still warm. In a few weeks his family will discover that he is penniless
after donating all of his money to the Conservative party.
-
(http://c.files.bbci.co.uk/11E3A/production/_84147237_de27-6.jpg)
Iain Duncan Smith reads and reacts to each post in this thread one by one
-
Richard Dawkins checks his Reddit profile gleefully as his wife's name swims out of his mind's reach
-
An internet warrior tuts and shakes his head at every mention of the
word "God" whilst at his mother's funeral. Later at the wake, he
complains to his cousins that girls should like him because he's such a nice guy, but instead they go for "dick heads, 'cos they're all slags."
His eavesdropping father bares two feelings of grief that day.
-
A disgusting, unemployed bastard spits a face-full of dirty phlegm
at a bank teller resembling Andrea Corr. She is forced to take a HIV
test, which puts a strain on her blossoming relationship with a handsome
plumber called Gary.
-
A gay chimpanzee is subjected to a horrifying gang rape by 14 Liberian nutjobs.
A husband doesnt look his wife in the eye for 53 years.
Floella Benjamin is caught shoplifting tampons in Poundland.
-
A woman with Toksvig hair performs duty sex for her Freemason
husband, to the strains of a condescending radio advert aimed at
unemployed people in Lincoln.
-
Club, 2002. A self conscious, pallid and glum looking little squirt
of 20 in badly applied eyeliner has glitter paste rubbed on his cheeks
by a cheery pink haired beauty in a Hole t-shirt. In a moment of Metz
fuelled euphoria, he grabs her for a snog. The scene of horror and
confusion that immediately follows completely destroys his confidence
for several years.
-
A beautiful young woman with crippling anxiety issues is persuaded
by a friend to come for a night out. At the bar, she meets a handsome
young man. She says hello, and he fixes her with a warm and genuine
smile.
At last, she thinks, here's somebody who could actually
like me for who I am, who can see past my frailty and insecurities and
can fix me. A chance at a future, at the life of joy and happiness I
never thought I'd have. Perhaps I'll be able to let go of my past and
all of the awful things that happened to me.
"What's your name," he asks, placing a hand gently on her arm and sending her broken heart a-flutter.
"Moet," she replies.
He laughs and walks away, and her heart breaks anew.
-
A catbox, occupied on the way to the vets but empty on the bus journey home, is forgotten and left on that bus.
-
A modern couple spend 32 indecisive minutes trawling through Netflix
for a film they both want to watch, before arguing over fuck all and
spending the night in separate beds.
A middle aged man blows out the candles on a Thomas the Tank Engine birthday cake.
An awful woman wears a pair of jeggings so tight you can actually see what brand of sanitary towel she is wearing.
-
A 20th wedding anniversary weekend away descends into divorce
proceedings due to the combination of a misused tea towel and no toilet
paper.
In an emergency a man shits in a cat litter tray. Enjoying the convenience, he makes it a regular thing.
Signing on.
-
A stay at home mum pushes her youngest sprog on a dirty swing whilst
idly dreaming of all things she could've been, but will now never be.
-
A Guillemot chokes to death on a Trebor Mint that it stole from a dead pigeon.
A group of infant children laugh at a black paraplegic man struggle with kerbs and dogshit near an old Esso Garage.
-
Coldplay and Def Leppard songs on a Britpop Mix-Tape.
A silent Buddhist vacates the flat above you. A jobless Heavy Metal fan from Walsall moves in.
Taping songs from the Top 40 in 1989 and the DJ keeps talking over the end of them.
Having your dreams shat on by your own family.
-
Bertha's fat leg.[1]
-
A single man who lives alone in a bedsit in London is sanctioned for
being 2 minutes late for an appointment at the Jobcentre. A week later,
having not eaten in the previous three days, he uses his last half an
hour of electricity to watch an episode of The Big Bang Theory.
-
A man called Bubba tries desperately to survive 1950s Alabama.
John Noakes is terrorised by his own reflection.
A
man clutching a bottle of WKD in a shit nightclub tries to pluck up the
courage to speak to an I-phone zombie who couldn't give a fuck if he
lives or dies.
(Sorry, I can't stop thinking of desolate stuff, I'm a happy-go-lucky scamp really)
-
A witless, sexless, childless couple in their late thirties think
Fifty Shades of Grey is an accurate reflection of an emotionally
fulfilled life. In their state of shocked indequacy, they both wish
they'd watched Budgie the Little Helicopter instead.
-
A happy go lucky scamp turns 40 and realises he was never really
happy and more scampi than scamp judging my the smell emanating from his
nether regions
-
A short, 56yr old Asian man with a combover and the word 'Punani' on his t-shirt, who thinks he's well gangsta.
-
A 57-year-old alcoholic from Dalkeith vomits on a carefully-arranged
pile of clementine oranges in the local Co-op. The store's newest
employee, a fresh-faced, optimistic 17-year-old is given the task of
cleaning it up, with a cardboard box, a mop, a bucket of disinfectant
and lukewarm water. The manager goes back into the warehouse and
literally pisses herself laughing. She has no clean underwear, but she
doesn't care.
-
A hapless virgin commits suicide and is re-incarnated as himself.
A dizzy young woman secretly goes to her boyfriend's stand-up gig to surprise him. She is the butt of every joke.
A
construction worker finally connects with a real woman and makes plans
for a date. A day later he is moved to the Middle East indefinitely.
-
An awkward silence throbs between two stale dangleberries that've
been bivouacking in the western face of a animal-hating pig farmer's
putrified, gristly arsebundle when it becomes clear that the girlberry
does not feel for the boyberry as his shitmate has come to feel for her.
-
On a sunny day where most normal, happy and functioning people are
out and doing normal, happy and functioning person things, a bored
misanthropic underachiever with bad hair and a burgeoning cider gut
checks in to page 98 of a thread called 'Desolation'. He is greeted by
an ecstatic Iain Duncan Smith. Yet a-fucking-gain.
-
Doreen remembers what the street used to be like, when she knew
everyone by name, when you could leave your back door ajar and never
worry about burglar's or smack-head's as she does know. But mainly she
remembers the days when she didn't open the front curtains and spot a
Television X film crew across the street recording a scene for their new
series: 'Britain's Filthiest Benefits Claimants'.
She tuts as
she always does when she spots an adult film company crew using 'her'
run-down but secluded cul-de-sac for a hardcore grumble location shoot.
"Disgusting!"
she says to herself over the early morning sounds of grunts, moans and
an ex-marine's bollocks slapping loudly against an arse.
-
A 32 year old man-child pisses into a bag of his own baby clothes his mum found up the loft earlier that day.
A
pub landlord pisses in the glass washing sink. He hasn't used the
actual toilet for months. He leers at his cock and silently
mouths "figgy pudding".
A hardened gimp drowns in a piss filled
gas mask in the toilets of Berghain. Nevertheless, the party
won't be over for him for at least another 40 hours.
-
A daft bastard in a Knightmare t-shirt plays Duke Nukem with one
hand whilst failure-wanking his flaccid member with the other.
A
man with children desperately tries to think of more desolate scenes to
get rid of the sight of Ian Cunting Duncan Cunting Smith at the top of a
website he spends too much time on.
Ivor Cutler shits himself silly whilst queuing for overpriced bratwurst.
-
no
-
z
-
Hangthebuggers posts something so heart wrenchingly desolate that he
is forced to remove it lest it trigger a wave of suicides.
-
Hangthebuggers posts something so heart wrenchingly desolate that he is forced to remove it lest it trigger a wave of suicides.
just missing the chance to to kill off a curious Ian Duncan Smith.
eta: Yay, a reason to celebrate being a new page cunt
-
no
z
Bonk
(http://usercontent1.hubimg.com/5604554_f260.jpg)
-
Visiting an old graveyard on a remote cliff-top overlooking a
beautiful glade, you stumble across an overgrown family grave from the
1950s. You notice that the daughter cruelly died aged 15, but the
parents lived for another 20 years. You are overcome with emotion for
someone you never knew, as you imagine them standing there in tears
watching the casket being lowered, some 60 years earlier. Now they too
have joined her in the silent earth, it's as if they never existed.
-
Nosey bonk emerges from the grave of your recently departed infant daughter.
-
You go to buy a tidy second hand car from a middle-aged man who
sells them for a hobby. You go into his house, a beautiful detached town
house with autumn-hues, small indoor fountain and a chilled vibe. He
clearly lives for the day and has a calm, casual demenour about him.
Hey, nothing's a problem. Cup of tea, mate? There are some tickets for
an upcoming jazz festival near a portfolio of the properties he sells.
He has some framed Beatles Vinyls on the wall too. His eldest son, a
keen snowboarder, smiles politely and says 'hi' on his way out, no doubt
embarking on another fun event in his young life. A fluffy pedigree cat
rubs against your leg. You wish you lived here. This reminds you of
everything you're not, and never will be. Never CAN be. You pay your
money, shake his hand, and drive back to the tiny, cramped terraced
house you call home and will never escape from.
Right, I think I've exhausted all the autobiographical ones now.
-
Your dead body lays cold, pale and naked on a mortuary slab. Isaac
the mortician, who has seen millions of bodies over his long career, has
become truly numb to the many peculiarities of the human body. He calls
in the mortician from the next town to laugh at your weird dead pale
penis.
-
http://www.theguardian.com/politics/2015/jul/13/david-cameron-open-to-workers-saving-up-fund-own-sick-pay
-
Can we compile this thread into the next CaB book?
-
A roadkill cat called Belle is lost to the ages after having tarmac poured over it.
Miriam, her owner, still looks for her.
-
Can we compile this thread into the next CaB book?
It was supposed to be done with pictures last time around but i was a useless lazy bastard and it did not get done
-
A lank-haired bus driver surveys what's on offer at 'the meat rack' -
that area of the bus station where fat, dowdy, desperate women with low
IQ's gather to flirt & gossip with the drivers.
-
Dermot
O'Leary's been cleared by watchdog Ofcom after swearing during a live
broadcast of his 24-hour danceathon on the BBC One Red Button.
-
Having a big wank over the woman doing the sign language on an old episode of Fifteen to One.
Informing a thick as pigshit plumber that Joe Strummer has just died, and he hasn't a fucking clue who you're on about.
-
A forty year old man buys tickets to a Vampire Rock Opera in Dunstable. It's the highlight of his year.
A pigeon with a clubbed foot is pecked to death and partially eaten by a seagull in front of an abortion clinic.
In
the throes of a dementia induced timewarp, 85 year old Bertie travels
back to Xmas 1935. The unbridled joy, wonder and excitement
is replaced with pain, fear and bedsores as reality pays a brief
visit.
-
A married young couple sit in a greasy, run down seaside cafe on a
grey November Tuesday in 1989. They have nothing to say to each other,
and the unwanted baby she is carrying grows up into a full-blown Derek.
A randy young nowt feels a definite erection whilst hugging his warty old gran. He didn't even know she had a cock.
-
A self-proclaimed 'nice guy' fails in his desperate attempts to pick
up women in a provincial club. After drowning his sorrows in copious
amounts of blue WKD and being kicked out by the bouncers for "being a
pest", he finds himself vomiting into his fedora.
-
"That bloody owl has t'witted it's last ta'woo!", thinks Herman as
he sets up outside the barn at 3am; picnic chair, 4 cans of strongbow
and a "spear" made out of an old rake with some knives taped to it.
A
group of rosy cheeked children decide to go apple picking on a late
summers eve. They manage to swipe 12 iphones and sell them to the local
dealer for 6 white and 4 brown.
Marcel looks down tentatively,
his willy has shrivelled to the size of a salted slug. He knew the MDMA
was a bad idea on his wedding night.
-
An old git in a Jaguar and on a private pension screws up his nose
and shakes his head when he drives past a job centre in Hull.
He's annoyed at poor people for the rest of his journey.
-
Krishnan Guru-Murthy
-
A human being votes Conservative
-
An old bingo machine covered in pigeon shit, in the store room of a
community centre that closed for refurbishment in 1996 and never
re-opened.
Stirring a pot noodle whilst remembering someone from
your youth you were head over heels in love with, but never had the
courage to tell.
A spinster dies alone, unnoticed and smelling of wheelie bins, with the song still in her.
-
A lacklustre orgy behind the bins at a recently burnt out Toby carvery.
A fragile young man weeps tears at the memory of the ever-damp 80s carpet at his former workplace, a now burnt out Toby Carvery.
The
former manager of the burnt out Toby Carvery spends all of the
insurance money in wine gums and 'used' panties imported from Japan.
A
profusely overweight Binman focuses the loss of his favourite Toby
Carvery, on working up a mighty sweat to layer onto counterfeit 'used'
panties.
A former Toby Carvery reopens as a Toby Carvery just in time for the Christmas Day booking period.
A
badly wired microwave causes a heinous fire on Christmas Day, killing
several diners and completely destroying the establishment.
A lacklustre orgy...
-
A woman writes an article about letting an ex-boyfriend penetrate
her anus in the hopes that it would make him want to marry her. Instead
he breaks up with her after finding some residual excrement on his
penis. She excitedly submits the article to Salon.com.
-
A professional singer, past his prime and given up on his dreams of
hitting the big time, spends the day in a small studio recording the
jingle for Kraft Crumbles, a new line of heavily processed food chunks
sold in a bag.
Singing lyrics such as, they're crumbelievable and the big cheese taste that blows you away
to the tune of EMF's Unbelievable, the only form of direction comes
from a man in a polka-dot tie from the agency telling him to "make it
sound cooler."
Further back, a representative from Kraft closes his eyes and nods his head in time with the music.
It is 2005.
-
A man edits a nob and bollox on an image of Pluto and nobody cares.
-
The father of one of the girls from `2 Girls 1 Cup' wakes up to
another unavoidable day, he drinks from a stale concoction of various
alcohols mixed up in an leftover jam jar and stares purposefully at the
light fitting yet again.
-
The inaccuracies and misrepresentation of the mythos in the Batman
Vs Superman: Dawn of Justice trailer genuinely reduces a grown man to
tears.
The portrayal of the Joker in the Suicide Squad trailer
rile a grown man so much that he savagely beats his wife later that
evening when she suggests "it's only a clown film".
-
Miss Plymouth 1976 looks into a modern mirror and sees Rod Hull.
An office cleaner walks glumly past the Topshop-clad Middle Manager whose shit she has just wiped from a cubicle wall.
-
The same woman waits for a bus in torrential rain near a soulless
shopping centre on the outskirts of Plymouth. It never arrives. Just
like her dreams.
-
He went to shit but it was sloppy instead of solid; the straw that
broke the camel's back for Gary's impending nervous breakdown.
-
A hormonally rampant 13 year old ventures from the nest for the
first time. On advice from an older friend he scours a local woodland
and throbbing with sexual anticipation approaches a pile of discarded
magazine pages stuffed behind some empty kestrel lager cans. His newly
engorged penis becomes flaccid when he realises the expected grumble
images are just pictures from an old Rumbelows catalogue with some
littlewood's men's thermal underwear shots for good measure.
Many years later he is arrested for fucking an old Panasonic TV dressed in cotton long johns in the very same wood.
-
Deleting BDSM porn from your dad's hard drive days after his death
so as to spare your mum from the horror of seeing it. Opening one
unnamed folder, you find photographs of your mum balled and gagged,
surrounded by thirty wanking men. You realise with horror that one of
the men bears a striking resemblance to you.
-
A bollock-faced man declines the invite of a night out in Luton, because why would anything nice happen?
Englebert Humperdink wins the world's shittest whistle in a Christmas cracker.
-
A thread on a comedy forum wherein users post their own imagined and
sometimes real examples of desolation reaches 100 pages.
-
A pristine, unopened box of Katie Price Kissable perfume still partially encased in some Christmas wrapping is found in a bin by the 1976 Miss Plymouth. Down the hatch it goes.
-
A voucher entitling the bearer to 50p off a pint of Peroni elapses.
are you over this now?
A pigeon with one foot rubs its cloaca against a muddy, childs shoe on a towpath
-
A man petitions for Su Pollard to be made a dame on her IMDB message board.
-
Deleting
BDSM porn from your dad's hard drive days after his death so as to
spare your mum from the horror of seeing it. Opening one unnamed folder,
you find photographs of your mum balled and gagged, surrounded by
thirty wanking men. You realise with horror that all of the men bear a
striking resemblance to you. (She had hand-picked them online.)
-
A skidmarked towel being used as makeshift curtains by a man in sheltered accomodation who has given up on life.
A colleague you fancy catches you reading a self-help book on a park bench, when you've told them you were in Magaluf.
Sitting
on your balcony in a Brixton tower block at 3am, you hear a distant
phone ringing through the still air - someone somewhere is being
informed of the death of a relative.
-
A jaded and potless scrap of a man spends another night in by himself in front of the telly. A programme called The Trouble With Mobility Scooters begins. "For fuck's sake", he mutters, as he angrily prods the buttons on his remote for BBC1. The screen does not change.
-
A great tit misses a window ledge and twats its head on a wall.
-
A man with crippling anxiety reaches the zenith of his tortured mind
when he feels guilty simply over the death of the germs as he wipes the
shit from his ring piece.
He collapses into a sobbing heap on the tiled floor before he can bring himself to flush.
-
A man tasked with disposing of a dead great tit, tosses it at a
nearby pot plant. The tit corpse bounces off, and further disintegrates
over the pebbledashed collonade.
-
During a messy divorce, a Rochdale child finds out that neither parent wants him.
A dusty dildo in the kitchen drawer of a male amputee.
A young epileptic girl opens the Box Of Life and finds fuck all.
-
Hey, Bertha's Fat Leg, it's "Flatley, my dear" as in Michael Flatley, hence the River Dance joke. "Flatley."
...
A
lonesome, anxiety prone 20-something gets pedantic at 9am on a comedy
forum, over another user's personal text. Not even showered or brushed
his teeth yet.
-
Christ you're right, what a dunce.
-----------------------
An old man with the mental capacity of a five year old kicks a cat skull around a puddle of piss in his own back yard.
-
The lights of the distant city flitter across the bay like fireflies dancing in the tears of Jupiter.
Mary
crosses the short stretch of sand between us and plants a salt tinged
kiss on my lips. A melancholy foghorn calls from far in the dusky
twilight.
I am in paradise...
...
The oasis of
bliss is broken by a tremendous screeching noise that wrenches me back
to my squalid bedsit in Croydon. The sunshine bus full of screaming
mentally challenged children heading for Margate ploughs through my
living room wall. The last image I see is of a Down's syndrome boy
losing his head on the replica scimitar I bought for 20 quid on a
dubious darknet site.
-
A redundant taxi driver sings Happy Birthday to himself and stares into the abyss. It's not even his birthday.
-
Linda Lusardi uses what's s left of her feminine wiles to catch the
eye of a would-be hipster barman in Doncaster. He doesnt notice as he's
too busy thinking about beard lotion.
A gay pensioner wanks furiously over a paused Bargain Hunt still of David Dickinson licking his lips and winking.
A
42 year old man with downs syndrome grows a goatee beard and videos
himself miming to George Michael albums. The 'video camera' is a
broken Super 8 bought at a car boot in Pontypridd.
-
A lovely, perfect mother blames herself when her son grows up to be a predatory zoophile.
-
A bollock nosed cadaver brings himself to furious climax, exorting
his secretary to read out the two thousandth page of the ecstatic
desolation that has been his muse for five wonderful years. Putting down
the phone, he catches a glimpse of his spunk flecked face in the dining
room mirror. 'Prime Minister Osborne, your public awaits', he smirks.
-
Les Dennis sits astride a wonky stool in front of a full length
mirror. He is completely, utterly bollock naked. A flickering lightbulb
hangs directly over him as the pastel wallpaper peels from the wall. He
has the look of a man on death row, engaging in a staring contest with
himself and losing. The hours pass, until finally, finally, a small grin
appears on his dry lips and he cackles manically. After a few
seconds, the black cloud returns, and his face once again morphs into
the gnarled mask of a man stuck in a void of nothing.
-
A man desperately tries to think of something desolate to impress a bunch of strangers on the internet but comes up short.
-
A man desperately tries to think of something desolate to impress a
bunch of strangers on the internet and cums on Clare Short.
-
A man who could've done with that confidence boost today is shot down by a mean-spirited person he'll never meet.
-
A man with truly hideous facial symmetry tries to focus on his
McNuggets as the gang of giggly teenage girls opposite take pictures on
their iPhone's and marvel at how spectacularly ugly he is.
-
A man who could've done with that confidence boost today is shot down by a mean-spirited person he'll never meet.
Mine was aimed at the thread in general
-
Doctor, my wife's got no nose
"Fuck, off"
-
"I'd give myself "Seeevvvveerrrrn! ...out of ten", chuckles
a self-satisfied tax lawyer into his dating app video intro, pleased
with his contemporary reference to the demented world of clapping,
dancing, dead-eyed bastards.
-
A snide twat carps from the sidelines as a bunch of people have fun
-
August 2046. In a cramped and overheated Coca-Cola hospice, elderly
Gavin Esler slips into the long dark forever, his final dementia blurred
thoughts alighting on the haunting memory of a videolinked Mark E Smith
waggling his tongue a bit on Newsnight. Not the loves of his life, his
family, his childhood or favourite place. That.
-
A hairy oddball crams undercooked Pop Tarts into his ugly mouth
whilst gleefully watching the Tommy Cooper death footage on a
neverending loop.
-
A fat suicidal bus driver is tasered to death in Grimsby.
-
A jobless scrote writes a random phone number on the wall of a
Penrith toilet cubicle, offering bum sex to strangers. The number
belongs to a 97 year old RAF veteran who is bombarded by so many
perverts, he hangs himself in a belfry.
-
A Marks & Spencer employee reduces a 'Oriental Tastes' ready meal from £4.60 to £4.24.
-
A Marks & Spencer employee reduces a 'Oriental Tastes' ready meal from £4.60 to £4.24.
Close to the bone that one, gah!
-
A back-street organ seller haggles over the price of a dead child's kidney.
-
A Chinese tourist hacks up a chunk of phlegm covered Kendal Mint Cake over a quarry.
-
A man walking a dog and carrying a bag of shit gets called a cunt by a bald man in a convertible white porsche.
As
the sun sets and blue turns to gold and pink a teenage couple in the
throws of first love sit in an empty and neglected piece of scrubland on
the outskirts of London. Terry whispers into Jody's ear "can I choke
you when we first do it?".
Eric licks pavements. He doesn't know
why. Something about the grit and the dirt and the grime, the mineral
tang at the back of his throat. He does it on the way to work every
morning, walks with purpose, bends down as if to tie his shoe laces,
quick look to see if anyone is about, then lower, lower still, tongue
meets concrete and he is happy for a brief moment.
Andrew's given up on wanking. Doesn't enjoy it anymore.
-
A jobless wrongcock from Whitehaven verbally abuses a traffic
warden. He does not have a car nor the skill to drive one.
A child from Greenock passively smokes the equivalent of 4,000 cigarettes before its fifth birthday.
A frail donkey is tormented by an actual Pinhead at a petting zoo in Ayr.
-
A Borders carrier bag wafts on the breeze in a boarded-up town centre.
-
A man called Martin just came around to try and sell me a new front
door. He drives an old Volvo. He was in my lounge for ages talking about
doors and both him and me were obviously completely uninterested. In
the end he gave me a quote and I said it was twice as expensive as the
other quotes I'd had, which it was, and with that Martin thanked me and
left in his Volvo. It was all very Glengarry Glen Ross with Martin.
About 10 minutes after he left I was lying naked on the bathroom floor
wanking in front of a mirror with a finger up my arse. A very bleak
couple of hours.
-
A deficient horse bleeds out in a skip.
-
(http://i.imgur.com/7myCwqF.jpg)
-
eating a meal deal in a Sainsbury's car park in Halifax
-
A man calls Martin drives off a cliff in an old Volvo after being
left humiliated by an odd-eyed beanpole who rejected his doors.
-
It's Turner Prize time.
This Year
A microscopic erection preserved in bas-relief.
£25,000 please
-
Jobson Snyke hangs himself after being terminally disappointed by
the promise heralded by the arrival of his Braunhut x-ray specs and the
passing of 58 year old Pearl Marlborough down the murky hallway.
-
A man spends his week needlessly getting door quotes just to pass
the time, telling each salesman that the last guy was cheaper. The price
of doors drops to it's lowest level in years, putting hundreds of door
salesman out of business and unable to feed their families.
-
A discount pork pie splatters upon the pavement after being anonymously catapulted from the multi story carpark.
A corporate sales weekend at a cheap hotel in Middlesbrough.
A
49-year old grandmother with a face like Jimmy Nail examines a pair of
peep-hole knickers in the Wolverhampton branch of Anne Summers.
A lone Air Max '95 floats atop a river of shite at the sewage treatment centre.
The widower of an alcoholic sobs gently as the radio plays 'I Am A Cider Drinker' by the Wurzels.
-
A pedant corrects the spelling of separate in an overly detailed wiki synopsis on a Chucklevision episode.
-
A teenager with a head shaped like a brick tries to convince people
he's been affectionately nicknamed Wall-E, after the lovable film
character, rather than pejoratively nicknamed Wally, after the head he
has and the thing he obviously is. The only girl in his class that likes
him deletes his number from her phone. She's empathetic, but that level
of delusion is a thing too far. She loses her virginity to her second
cousin instead.
-
Christmas is cancelled after the mass shooting in the head and face of Father Christmas.
-
A dad refuses to take his kids to see a film, as it only has a 6.7 rating on IMDB.
Another
dad takes photos of Helicopters at an airshow, but makes sure there is a
fit girl in each shot, to be used as wank fodder later on.
Simple Simon meets Purple Aki.
-
A beggar is mown down and killed by a stampede of simpletons trying to catch up with Arg from The Only Way Is Essex.
-
A youth opens the curtains in the morning to find the dazzling sun
shine and clear blue skies turns his stomach with anxious dread. "It's a
beautiful day," he whispers to himself, "someone's going to invite me
outside for something social."
A vet tells a dog owner that her pet is obese and diabetic. The worlds of man and beast merge ever closer.
A pigeon and a crow fight over a discarded KFC chicken wing on the high street in Leigh.
-
On a moribund Deal or No Deal fan forum, a daily poster complains about there being too much messing about in the game.
-
Saturday morning, 3am. A newly married woman downs two bottles of
bad rosé and tries to seduce her half asleep husband on the sofa, a
gruesome bulge of pink bollock flesh poking out through the elastic of
his sweat drenched underpants. She is told to fuck off.
-
A child in care kicks a spastic pigeon into a ditch.
An old
man with no family or friends peers out from behind a dirty net curtain
into the dog-shit minefield that is his back yard.
A 37 year old woman who is still the 'quiet one' of the group, but it stopped being cute in 2001.
The
smell of shit and bins behind a French supermarket as a ridiculously
sun-tanned man in a passing sports car looks down on you for being
British.
-
When you dream of nothing but the mundanity of pushing an empty
trolley around the aisles of an Asda superstore, then wake up, and
still, you want to go back to sleep.
-
Unfolding flip-flop - dog shit drama on a misguided drunken midnight
ramble through the less salubrious areas of Praia da Luz.
-
Under pressure from his parents and aunts and uncles, 18 year old
Halfez goes to Mecca in order to perform Hajj. As he perambulates around
the Ka'aba, one in an ocean of people rapt in trancelike religious
fervour, circling and circling lost among the throng, all he can think
about is Stacey. A mousey shy girl with freckles across her nose who's
always nice to him and once gave him a peck on the cheek. Her parents
are Jewish. He continues walking around the Ka'aba, a tear on the same
cheek he once received a kiss.
"NOOOOOOOO!" shouts Martin as he
fumbles and drops his bowl of Ramen noodles all over his expensive
gaming PC, he tries to mop it up with his minions t-shirt but it's no
good. Both are ruined. He cries until dawn.
Patrica, a beautiful
Brazilian shemale with buttocks like polished doorknobs moves from Rio
to Slough in the hopes of a better life and more opportunities. It isn't
better. It really really isn't better. The sheer ugliness of the
inhabitants leave her in a state of shock and bewilderment that she
never really gets over. Even after moving back to Brazil she still
sometimes has nightmares about those faces, those terrible awful pasty
faces of misery and discontent.
A hedgehog suffocates inside a discarded Lidl bag.
-
A pre-menstrual woman thumps her husband in the temple for whistling
the Blackadder Theme whilst driving home after a horrible,
pissing-down-all-day outing at Whipsnade Zoo with their spoilt bastard
son.
-
Fury over Portsmouth America's Cup concert refunds
Organisers issued a statement on Friday explaining the South Coast Proms concert, featuring the Band of HM Royal Marines, was cancelled for "public safety reasons".
It added it would refund all Friday evening tickets, which cost £25, as well as offer them free tickets for the Portsmouth Live! concert featuring Spandau Ballet, Wet Wet Wet and McBusted.
(http://ichef.bbci.co.uk/news/660/cpsprodpb/12F1D/production/_84479577_b7cc4005-2ef8-4380-add8-6ac0ac86d72c.jpg)
http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-england-hampshire-33656524
-
An urban fox develops diabetes.
In 2015, the student union in Derby advertises a Little Britain night. It's the busiest night of the year.
A
doctor tells an Oasis fan that he must stop drinking and quit smoking
otherwise he will be dead within the year. Swagger gone, he goes home
and puts Cigarettes & Alcohol on repeat before collapsing into a
puddle of tears, regret and self pity.
-
A child's first word is 'Barry'.
-
A CEO throws a girl out a window just to prove he can get away with
it. When he notices his friend wasn't looking, he puts on his voice
decoder and calls the orphanage again.
-
"So, has anyone ever had cancer before?" asks Charles to a group of strangers at an event he was invited to online.
All those months of therapy to overcome crippling social anxiety and develop social skills; wasted.
-
Harvey Keitel sells out and appears in a dreadful British advert,
dealing with a non-entity actor, intended to represent 'the man on the
street' - who is a total cunt anyway.
A criminally shy office
worker partakes in Movember, but notices he is not included in the
blokey, banter-driven end-of-month photo featuring the other
participants. Maybe they just forgot to ask him. Yes, that's it.
-
A Trilobite never awakens but lies dormant for millions of years.
A grotesque obese amateur omni-collector uses a trilobite fossil as a makeshift anal dildo in a Dorset cove.
A Trilobite awakens.
-
A husband tries to initiate sex with his wife for the first time
since their teenage son Barry died of a Heroin overdose 17 months
earlier. 'Too soon..'
-
All there is at the end of the world is a hologram of a ghost of a
shit. But not a real one; just a man thinking of a hologram of a ghost
of a shit.
-
Lunch time. A browbeaten office subordinate sits and eats his
squashed jam sandwich and slimey brown banana in a dank public toilet
cubicle, all the better to avoid yet another onslaught of apparently
ceaseless human interaction. He smiles as he feels the fibres of his
right sock slowly absorb a puddle of cold piss through a hole in his
shoe. This is bliss.
-
The director of a piss fetish video becomes distracted and the shot
slowly begins to trail, in and out of focus towards a LIDL shopping bag.
-
Real Desolation
RIP Dud. (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VVWGutY0xbw)
-
I can hear the music all around me
-
A recluse spends six months building up the courage to join a karate
club as a means of beginning to create a social life. When he arrives
at his first session, the other members make no attempt to hide the fact
that they belong to a closed clique and they hate newbies. Then he
tears the ligaments in his ankle during the warm up. As he hobbles out,
teary-eyed, he decides to never try anything ever again in his life.
-
Settling on a price of ten euros, a grandmother with dizzy gillespie
cheeks starts work noshing off 4 men on holiday in Ibiza. The last
lingers for a moment, his heart burning with the dream of saving the
woman from the streets. She rolls up his foreskin and slaps him on the
arse with a toothless smile.
-
The Coronation Street theme blares from a tiny Phillips telly in the
bedroom of an incontintent Rochdale octogenerian who thinks he's
Ghengis Khan.
A rudderless woman whose life is scheduled around
Russell Grant horoscopes and Jason Priestley fan fiction, solemnly
peruses the reduced section of Food Giant wearing her dead gran's
wedding dress.
A missing section of carpet in a Mansfield 2-up, 2-down, never replaced since the former owner hung himself there in 1992.
A butterfly stuck in a fly trap whilst a malnourished Beagle looks on.
-
True:
The Coronation Street theme blares from a static
caravan in a camping site near St. David's Wales. It is the evening of
9/11 as BlodwynPig trudges through the drizzle and gloom to announce the
news of the day to his girlfriend back in their tent over a tin of cold
baked beans.
-
A retired Akela swats at a fly that doesn't exist.
-
Your world crumbles around you after the horror of seeing yourself
in a home video, and realising how ugly you are when viewed from the
side, and how boringly monotonous your voice is.
-
A child is christened Daenerys Kardashian Jones while a baby hedgehog drowns in a sewage treatment plant.
-
A man browses a thread about desolation on a niche comedy
forum as he slowly yet purposefully evacuates his bowels, desperate to
put his own Iife into perspective.
-
Sticky Vicky still hasn't retired.
-
A man at a business lunch awkwardly confuses Jack Warner with Robert
Mugabe. His black colleague he previously considered a friend never
looks him in the eye again.
-
A
man browses a thread about desolation on a niche comedy forum as
he slowly yet purposefully evacuates his bowels, desperate to put his
own Iife into perspective.
A man edits his short post, but notices later that several typos remain.
It's too late now.
It's too late now.
-
A man panics about his use of commas and fucks up the syntax of an otherwise fucking great post
-
Stansted Airport Arrivals Lounge. 2.45 a.m. Burger King. Sprayed
around the dining area are maybe 15 people, mostly alone, though some in
small groups. On the loudspeakers, Sam Smith is reaching into his
emotional hinterlands on his smash-hit record 'Stay With Me'. As he hits
the chorus, six unrelated people simultaneously (and audibly) sing 'Oh,
won't you stay with me?', before returning to their fast food.
-
Dane Bowers cuts the ribbon to open a new branch of Wickes in Telford.
A
middle-aged man parades naked before a full-length mirror with a
considerably sized sausage in hand, pathetically imagining he's a
well-endowed male porn stud rather than a paunchy, bald sales manager
with B.O.
A cross-eyed home economics teacher unhappily stares
out onto the school fields at Mr. Perks, the PE teacher who spurned her
drunken advances last Christmas.
A fat builder leaves a sweaty-arse patch on a housewife's wooden kitchen stool.
Two warehouse employee's have a farting contest from adjacent toilet cubicles.
-
a depressed man goes for a walk on google streetview
-
A computer programmer in a faded Red Dwarf t-shirt listens to a cd
of whale noises to drown out the sound of his flatmates having noisy,
violent sex in an adjoining room.
A Tomb Raider fan has his first legal pint and it tastes of arse.
An unused party popper on the table of a man who died from a heart attack on new year's day in front of his entire family.
-
An unmarried, 40-something post office cashier is obsessed with Chris Tarrant.
-
In Poundland, a recently bereaved man intently scans the tracklisting of a refurbished Starsailor CD.
-
A soda fountain only has Sprite.
-
A woman with cankles stuffs her feet into plastic brogues, takes her
meds and paces up and down her hall while the tv blares out The Wright
Stuff.
-
A huge cruise liner is docked at Venice, with the tourists heading
out for organised tours of the city. On the starboard side of the ship,
facing the city, an Oklahoman sits on his 8th floor balcony. He is
dressed in a full captain's outfit, despite being a civilian passenger,
and is smoking a cigar whilst passively watching Serenissima.
-
An angst-ridden teenage boy on a harrowing LSD comedown gets a phone call to say his mother has been raped.
-
Jesus.
-
Would be far worse getting that news on a harrowing come up.
-
Disc 54 of 56 on The Complete X-Files Collection partwork is pressed
incorrectly, and features the episode "Providence" four times.
The manufacturer goes into administration, making a replacement
impossible.
-
A couple of sniggering wideboys draw a giant cock and balls on a school desk during a talk from an Auschwitz survivor.
An
Andover binman has a Peter's Mad Thought and digs up the remains of his
mother's dead cat, leaving it's open coffin outside her bedroom door.
A future sex offender uses a lighter and Lynx Africa to create a spider Hiroshima.
-
A man laughs alone in his flat, as he waits for a frozen pizza to
cook, changing the words of Electric Avenue and singing "We're gonna
rock down to Arse-Anus Avenue".
-
A tatty woman called Morag buys a faded-pink Kia Picanto and names
it Dumpy. This car is her best friend. This car is her only friend.
-
A trans support group leader's mobile phone rings during a session. His ringtone is Tone Loc's "Funky Cold Medina".
-
A trans support group leader's mobile phone rings during a
session. Her ringtone is Aerosmith's "Dude Looks Like A Lady".
-
Kevin, a man wrongly convicted of murdering his beloved wife and 2
children, is sentenced to death. On his final night he decides that he
wants one last wank before he fades away to nothing. After finally
coaxing his penis into one last grim salute, his first tug is
overenthusiastic and separates skin from bellend. Too distraught to cry
out, Kevin collapses and spends his final night on Earth silently
sobbing as his penis ejaculates nothing but blood.
-
An IT consultant on the way to Halfords sees a T-shirt that reads
"What do we want? A cure for Tourette's! When do we want
it? Cunt!" and laughs at it. The laugh is sincere.
-
A Beagle chokes to death on rogue pizzle, the shock of which forces
it's elderly owner into a frenzied seizure, from which he never fully
recovers.
-
A man wakes in a park after a failed overdose attempt with a slug in his mouth.
After
a small bingo win a pensioner treats herself to a discounted three bird
roast from Lidl. She vomits for days afterwards and is admitted to
hospital where she succumbs to an MRSA infection within the week.
A balding teenager cry-wanks himself to sleep after watching Teen Wolf.
-
One of the most brilliant minds who ever lived is so apoplectic
after seeing a man flog a horse in the street that he falls into a
catatonic state from which he never re-emerges.
-
A
man laughs alone in his flat, as he waits for a frozen pizza to cook,
changing the words of Electric Avenue and singing "We're gonna rock down
to Arse-Anus Avenue".
This honestly doesn't sound like a bad night.
-
Maybe the man put the pizza in the oven without pre-heating the oven properly.
THAT changes the tone, I think you'll agree.
-
Forum posters known only by their usernames; cuntbeaks and Berthas
Fat Leg, share a Road to Damascus moment on a 30-50s holiday in
Marbella, from which neither fully recover.
As the rotted corpse
of the once flame haired Liverpudlian celebrity is carted away from
behind the bins in which the two "lads" had been rummaging for
McDonald's leftovers, they agree never to speak of the incident again.
One of them, however, leaves Spain with a notably grim souvenir discovered in the dark parts of the iconic ITV cinderella.
-
Disaster strikes at the Last Of The Summer Wine Appreciation Society's annual get together as a bobble-hatted fan suffers a massive cardiac arrest whilst rolling downhill in a tin bath.
The
bath and it's now deceased occupant accelerates rapidly down the
hillside, pummelling into the Tombola queue, crippling both children of
the Singleton Family from Carlisle in the subsequent collision.
It careers over a bigot's foot before smashing into the steel perimeter of the cheaply-hired Dodgems circuit.
Upon impact, the corpse of LOTSW
enthusiast and local Compo-impersonator Albert Clifton is catapulted
from the bath, landing with a wet splash in an algae-covered duck pond,
crushing a Duck named Murray.
-
"An anagram of Italian", smirks an digital executive, gesturing
toward the namebadge of Natalie, a sumptuous WH Smiths cashier. He
realises his error and would soon bat a Big Issue seller's piles of pages into a filthy London gutter.
-
Twitter's second most popular Phil Mitchell parody account tweets a
stolen topical joke about an X Factor contestant. It doesn't really seem
like the kind of thing that the character of Phil Mitchell would even
say. He gets 29 retweets and 65 favourites. The man who runs the
account? Phil Mitchell actor Steve McFadden.
-
A woman of 46 cries into a laminated poster of Corey Feldman most nights.
A troubled man attempts sexual relations with a headless shop dummy in a windy Pennines layby.
You,
sat on the toilet with the shits, reading the still-active Twitter
account of a first year Law student who drowned in a river in 2013.
-
A macaw learns the phrase "frozen peas".
-
Properties to Rent in Middlesbrough:
(https://pbs.twimg.com/media/CLLHYF6WIAAL14j.jpg)
Warren St
£300 (PCM)
Stunning
Semi-Detached in residential area, perfectly situated between sewage
plant, job centre and rubbish tip. Outside lavatory, single glazing (1
window cracked), soiled mattress in garden, central heating (thermostat
fault). Great location, ideal for single-parents, benefits claimants or
drug addicts.
- Radiators (leaking)
- Light Bulb (blown)
- Damp patch
- Infestation
- Dead Rat (rotting)
-
Properties to Rent in Middlesbrough:
(https://pbs.twimg.com/media/CLLHYF6WIAAL14j.jpg)
Warren St
£300 (PCM)
Stunning
Semi-Detached in residential area, perfectly situated between sewage
plant, job centre and rubbish tip. Outside lavatory, single glazing (1
window cracked), soiled mattress in garden, central heating (thermostat
fault). Great location, ideal for single-parents, benefits claimants or
drug addicts.
- Radiators (leaking)
- Light Bulb (blown)
- Damp patch
- Infestation
- Dead Rat (rotting)
As featured on George Gently
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zITW6YjKURs (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zITW6YjKURs)
-
A catcalysmically retarded groundsman literally doesn't know his
arse from his elbow, and he shits his long johns while kneeling in front
of the cistern.
-
Realising that your lifelong, self given nickname is rastafarian slang for child molester.
That
awful proustian rush of pork scratching related memories while wiping
your ass with a dock leaf at a classic motorcycle rally.
A prostitute gives a negative review of your oral sex skills on Trip Advisor.
The overriding sense of hubris when you tell a work colleague that you share a birthday with Melvyn Hayes.
-
A retired electrician bursts into tears in Aldi when a soft drink implores him to "share a Coke with" his dead son.
-
You crack a witticism in the office, but no-one laughs. Three
minutes later someone else makes the exact same quip and receives the
kind of laughter usually reserved for classic-era Richard Pryor.
-
Animal behaviour experts conclude that all inner-city road kills of domestic animals are deliberate on the animal's part.
-
During the jubilant open-top bus celebration of his team's recent
promotion, a Second Division footballer receives a phone call informing
him of his father's sudden death, forcing him into fake happiness for at
least another hour.
-
Andy is so self-conscious about his appearance that the slightest
blemish on his skin makes him hopelessly depressed. Because of this he
insists on asking people "do you get cold sores?" before asking people
out on dates.
It's for this reason he's single, still.
-
At 10:40pm on Monday, a mature student's twenty-years junior
roommate looks up from Timesplitters: Future Perfect to announce "Oh
yeah, Harry, your dad's, uh, uh, um, uh, uh, (snaps fingers twice)
dead."
-
A man with Fido Dido hair goes to a modern Nightclub wearing a
Crowded House t-shirt. In his pocket is a ribbed condom, 'cos you never
know.
-
A wheel detaches from an Eddie Stobart lorry, splatting a mummy badger into hot asphalt.
-
In a desperate attempt for internet praise, a user of a forum posts
the same fictitious desolate scenario twice. Three minutes apart.
-
A white man whose life has been ruined by racism towards his
Jamaican wife is told by a smug, purple-haired American girl with a nose
stud that he needs to check his privilege.
-
After a desperate attempt for internet praise, another user in the
same forum feels mildly crushed after seeing his post no longer makes
any sense. Less than three minutes apart.
-
A fan of US comedy changes his name by deed poll to Turd Ferguson.
No-one gets the reference, no-one thinks it's funny, and everyone shuns
him thereafter - especially his wife and kids.
-
It's his first day on site. Gary forces himself to guzzle the
burning hot tea down his gullet as quickly as possible as that's what
all the other lads seem to do. It hurts. It really hurts.
A mans
root canal filled tooth cracks into bits as he bites down on the
biggest pork scratching he's ever eaten. He really loves pork
scratchings as well. No more pork scratchings for him.
Beth
always had a creative streak. She expresses it by creating a complex and
intricate pattern of minon figurines on her desk space.
A
brittle pensioner slips and breaks a hip on a crispy creme donut that's
fallen out of a box that was bought in order for someone to ingratiate
themselves into an office full of cunts at a job they hate.
"You can't pop the lid off smarties tubes anymore, they've redesigned the packet." Says Jeff as his "opener" with Carol.
-
Albert's the man in his office full of cunts. "Ask Albert, he
remembers everything!" "Albert, you'll remember; what was that meeting
about last year where Liz stormed out in a huff?"
It's true, Albert does have incredible memory. He says it's a blessing. A true gift to have such photographic memory.
Behind a fake smile.
Because
he remembers every wank he's ever done. And each memory brings with it
its own feeling of guilt, shame, and embarrassment.
Haunted, he feels like bursting into tears every time he sees Liz bend over to get the milk from the fridge during lunch break.
-
A man gets out of bed and steps on - in order - a plug, a lego, and his infant son.
-
A driverless car crashes into a driverless pedestrian. No one gives a damn.
-
A woman beeps her horn angrily at a car in front going 15mph in a 30 zone.
It's a funeral procession.
For a child.
-
A woman beeps her horn angrily at a car in front going 15mph in a 30 zone.
It's a funeral procession.
For a child.
Her nephew.
-
Her nephew.
Strange. I was going to put that as well, but left it at just child.
-
A bereft child is informed by his headmaster that his father has been "cancelled".
-
A real one I heard about:
A teenage daughter stops speaking
to her father "just for the fun of it". While on the family computer she
discovers that his last two google searches are "why does my daughter
hate me?" and "how can I get my daughter to like me?" She then brags
about this to her friends - "hahaha he is such a loser". She is his only
child.
-
A man finds out from a small comedy forum that the reason his only
daughter has stopped talking to him was simply "for the fun of it" after
googling "why does my daughter hate me?" and "how can I get my daughter
to like me?"
-
A 42-year old man grimaces, as he steps off the pavement onto the
adjacent grass, to make way for a cyclist. Despite there being plenty of
room for both to pass comfortably on the pavement. He mutters something
under his breadth and carries on home, primed to kick his dog.
-
http://www.itv.com/news/anglia/update/2015-08-06/ipswich-rated-as-the-third-happiest-place-to-live-in-the-uk/
(http://www.itv.com/news/anglia/update/2015-08-06/ipswich-rated-as-the-third-happiest-place-to-live-in-the-uk/)
Get. In. Grave.
-
A failing human assembles a terd-based terrapin, using his own shit
for the legs, tail and beak and a homemade paper maché for the shell. It
will be Christened with a z-heavy nickname, just like his. Dazza. Or
something.
-
A fuck-faced bison clumsily rapes its own fart, conceiving Paddy McGuinness in the process.
-
In the understaffed maternity ward of a "Silent Hill" filthy
hospital, a hoisted minger queefs a retard onto a waiting drop kick from
her fiancée, Paddy McGuinness. The baby survives, but grows up to
be four additional Paddy McGuinni.
-
Southampton. A zooming, souped up twatmobile runs over the legs of a
tiny toddler in a wedding suit, disabling him for life. The sticker on
the rear bumper reads ' "If one day speed kills me, do not cry because I
was smiling" – Paul Walker'
-
An obscenity extols the virtues of reading one book every day and
why the big black Lamborghini behind him is a constant reminder that
humility is the key to success.
(You may have seen this TED cunt on Youtube).
-
In a rented storage unit in Pittsburgh, Paddy McGuinness sheds his
body like the condom on a Pepperami, and a new, stronger Paddy
McGuinness is birthed.
-
An elderly and frail Paddy McGuinness is surrounded on his deathbed
by dozens of well-meaning Paddy McGuinni, closing his eyes for the last
time before Dr Paddy McGuinness pronounces him "dink dank dead".
-
A production line of Paddy McGuinii malfunctions, producing a limited edition 'Spazzy Paddy.'
-
Aliens come to earth with a miracle cure for cancer, landing their
spaceship in the car park at a Paddy McGuinness stand-up show in
Ipswich. They glide up the steps into the venue.
Five minutes later, they decide to give everyone on earth cancer instead.
-
One of Prince Phillip's regular mistresses gets mouth cancer due to excessive use of mouthwash.
The Timmy Mallet fan club steps in front of a train. He was 48.
-
An old man is abandoned by his grandson in a ditch at the side of the A480 after an argument about Bovril.
-
A baby hedgehog gets trapped in the piss-and-concrete stairwell of a Dundee tower block forever.
Blockbuster
Video, 1997. Derek asks if he can borrow Batman Forever. 'No, you'll
have to bring it back tomorrow!' quips the cheeky assistant.
'Ok' replies Derek.
-
Sally and Vince decide to put Grandma into a retirement home just so they can spend two weeks in Benidorm.
Grandma
chokes to death on a dry Turkey sandwich whilst Vince is shouting
"AB-LAY EENGLAY? Forfucksake!" to a tired shop keeper 1400 miles away.
-
A signed photograph of Roy Castle drops into a puddle of foggy piss during a Tadcaster house clearance.
-
During an ice-breaker session for new Call Centre employees, Geoff
and Katy get talking, and find out they have a mutual love of beagles,
mountain biking, old Triumphs and Stanley Kubrick films - alas, Katy is
also shallow, and Geoff has a melted face ('The Full Weston'), and from
that day onwards the only words they ever utter to each other are 'Hi.'
-
Looking at a picture of a young Joan Sims and wishing you could go
back in time to tell her she's utterly lovely, and not to worry so much.
But you can't.
-
The only person in the whole world Hulk Hogan doesn't refer to as 'brother' is his mother's son from a later relationship.
-
A man uses a massive amount of energy to travel back in time to save
JFK only to find himself materializing during the filming of a late
80's Hale & Pace sketch.
-
A homeless couple smoke heroin in a Dublin doorway. Around the
corner, an obese American tourist wearing horrible shorts pays €10 to
have his picture taken with a man dressed as a leprechaun.
-
A return journey from visiting family in Derby. You go for a piss in
the cubicles of Leeds Motorway Services. In the adjoining stall, you
hear a man in the throes of masturbatory pleasure. A weathered
orthopaedic shoe crosses the boundary into your cubicle as the vinegar
strokes are frantically reached. You recognise this orthopaedic shoe.
What the fuck, grandad?
-
A suddenly self-aware Paddy McGuinness travels back in time to try
and prevent the McGuinness uprising, but when he cannot resist a quick
visit to Greggs, he inadvertantly causes a much faster, more efficient
one.
-
It is 2269. A pooing Paddy McGuinness hears his own voice
scream from the toilet bowl. Attendant Paddy McGuinness reassures
him, before he heads upstairs to join the Paddy McGuinness throng
watching Paddy McGuinness.
-
Fifteen hundred confused and infuriated Paddy McGuinness fans
brutally beat and rape Paddy McAloon, inadvertantly causing the
Guinness/Aloon civil war.
-
Paddy McAloon, desperate to escape the rise of Paddy McGuinness,
"leaps" from the earthly plane as a horde of Paddy McGuinni swarm into
his bedsit, tearing his body to pieces with their gravy-tinged
fangs. McAloon's soul travels through time and the cosmos for four
hundred years before it finally manifests on earth within the body of a
flatulent, fuck-faced bison in mating season.
Seconds before his newly animalistic nature seizes his mind, Paddy McAloon succumbs to the McGuinnfinity.
-
A man accidentally shits himself because he couldn't be arsed to move from his computer when he really needed to go.
He
still takes his time to finish typing his essay-long rant on Reddit
about girls never dating "nice guys" before changing his trousers.
Doesn't even have a shower.
-
A man who played a man in the exam room with Mr Bean in the first
ever televised episode of 'Mr Bean' is told he only has weeks to live.
-
A tyrant smashes his son's piggy bank to reveal fifteen polaroids of his wife's anus.
-
A nostalgic herbert buys the first series of 'Desmond's' on VHS, but
midway through Episode 1 the recorder chews up the video. In a pique of
rage he kicks the faulty machine, fatally electrocuting himself.
-
A harried nurse who recently learned that her husband has terminal
cancer prepares an inappropriately flirtatious Gene Simmons's anus for a
colonoscopy.
-
A newly-pregnant supermodel watches a pitlane monitor in horror as
her racing driver husband perishes in a fiery inferno during the Indy
500.
A widower with lumbago and a fat arse struggles to empty a dishwasher whilst his dickhead cat looks on smugly.
-
A man attempts to initiate conversation with the statement "So, North America won the DOTA 2 international". He is 32.
-
The only two members of a Social Anxiety meet-up group sit in total silence for three hours.
As
a video of the Bradford Stadium fire plays in the background, a
weasel-faced fire safety officer checks his e-mail's to see if he's been
given a firm delivery date for his fleshlight. "Look at them
burn" he says listlessly as his mind turns to the pleasure he'll have
once he has a moulded plastic vagina in his life.
A weakened battery farm chicken is pecked to death, then cannibalised by his fellow feathered in-mates.
-
A Status Quo completist.
-
A lowly and forgotten Sky employee bashes out yet another flyer
advertising Sky 3d football, not knowing that the pamphlets will never
go further than his boss' dropbox folder he deposits them in.
He gazes proudly at the poster that covers one wall of his small office. "This one's for you guys!"
(https://iamdaveknockles.files.wordpress.com/2011/02/andy-gray-richard-keys.jpg?w=490)
-
A French street artist named Le Plop spits on a begging child.
-
On hearing Ian, her depressed 8 year old son, shakily trying to gain
entry to their heavily mildewed flat, wanton Wendy staggers to her feet
and necks a warm rum and fag butt cocktail before spotting her daytime
paying gentleman friend's dirty yellow protein blast slicking in the
goldfish bowl. She uses Ian's SpongeBob hand puppet in her futile
attempts to soak up the offending jism, which only helps it dissolve
into the shitty fishwater, before slipping over on some cat vomit and
toppling the goldfish bowl onto her head.
Ian enters the room,
his unlit eyes absorbing his fallen mother, the blood, the vomit, the
spunky shitwater and the flapping fish. And SpongeBob. Why'd she have to
bring SpongeBob into it?
He goes looking for his father's hammer.
-
A slaphead does a 'George Michael' in the toilets at Durham Cathedral.
A
highly strung meth addicted bingo caller moves to Durham in an attempt
to escape the damnation of London. He ends up in a sex dungeon on the
first night, Goatse'd.
A Japanese tourist buys a selection of
commemorative tea towels from Durham Castle. Later that night he
uses them to mop up vomit and blood from the toilet floor of a Premier
Inn.
-
A Merseybeat poet pisses on his own floating shit, like a filthy
Egon Spengler from Ghostbusters using a bollock-based Proton Pack to
exterminate a malevolent turd Phantom.
-
A hen party and stag party for the same wedding meet by chance at 2 in the morning in Wigan A&E.
No one's smiling.
-
Badger meat is his favourite.
-
A Sainsbury's basics lasagne is microwaved until it's still cold in
the middle but is nevertheless eaten with drab haste whereupon it is
ejected in a geiser of boiling slurry into cracked, shit-stained
porcelain a few hours later. The third time this week.
-
In a moment of weakness, a completist TV Guide collector ejaculates on the cover to his copy of the exceedingly rare May 1983 issue featuring Erin Moran from Joanie Loves Chachi. It will cost him two weeks wages to procure another one.
-
A man pays for a pack of fags using all the loose pennies he could find in his squalored flat. Took him an hour.
-
A man shows more emotion after losing a game on FIFA than at the death of his wife.
-
edit
-
Edit edit. A life's history
-
A copy of Fifa 11 is not purchased for ten pence.
-
A fat old man barks and claps like a seal whilst watching 'Brum' on VHS in a Bristol nursing home.
An unloved child asks for an XBox One for his birthday but receives a second hand Wii with no games.
-
A boy is beaten up on an estate after describing a bag of street drugs as "cromulent". There are no winners.
-
A tech support consultant watches the Monorail episode of The Simpsons for the first time.
"What on earth is all the fuss about?" he exclaims to nothing.
-
A woman selling jeans on ebay blurs the photos to obscure some
stains. They sell for £4.72, not including the ridiculous P&P costs.
-
A man carries his real-doll into a women's clothing boutique in
order to have its measurements taken so he can order clothes for it off
eBay. He hasn't bothered cleaning out the orifices.
-
A sixty-something recently-retired creep spends four months creating
a program that allows him to send mass messages to women on fetish
websites. After five thousand messages, there are still no replies.
-
An evening with Derek Acorah at a Hull casino goes terribly, terribly wrong
-
A coked up Mark Mardell staggers through downtown Washington DC at fuck o'clock in the morning dressed as Hilary Clinton
-
A desperate head of drama chooses the only christmas play he feels can't possibly "trigger" anyone - an adaptation of Funnybones.
Unfortunately, the opening night is disrupted by a protest from
"skeletonkin" who feel that the work demeans skeletons. A barrage
of Twitter abuse and his phone number being posted on the popular
skelekin Tumblr prompt him to hang himself later that night.
A
young man asks his manic pixie crush to "zip him up". The enormous
kitten's head causes him to sweat out all the water in his body.
His last thoughts as he lies on the floor of the convention hall are
those that have always plagued him - he knows he's not a cat, he knows
it's not real, it was just so hard to make friends.
-
Dom Jolly: You're probably thinking where you know me from right?
Checkout Worker: That's 3.99 please sir
Dom Jolly: I used to be on the tele
Checkout Worker: 1 penny and your receipt, thank you
Dom Jolly: I did the big phone
-
A cat starves to death in a Whiskas tinning factory because her claws aren't sharp enough to open any of the tins.
-
A human starves to death in a Whiskas tinning factory because her claws aren't sharp enough to open any of the tins.
-
Same story as above but with a chimp thats aware of its own mortality.
-
An elderly woman with failing eyesight mistakenly opens a package
addressed to her 38-year-old stay-at-home son. She wonders out loud why
Steven ordered a flashlight in the post, and as a gesture of kindness
spends several minutes attempting to place batteries in her son's
mail-order Fleshlight.[1]
-
On the eve of his birthday, a friendless man tidies his own bedroom 'for the big day'.
-
On the eve of his birthday, a friendless man tidies his own bedroom 'for the big day'.
Please don't mock me.
-
A man spends 25 minutes in a supermarket aisle deciding what colour incontinence pads to buy this week.
-
A man spends 25 minutes in a supermarket aisle deciding what colour incontinence pads to buy this week.
A
horrified checkout girl looks down at her feet as said man explains
what he spent the last 25 minutes doing and makes a clumsy joke about
them all ending up the "same colour in the end"
-
A disillusioned primary school teacher loses his shit and calls a
misbehaving kid with curly red hair a "little Hucknall fuck".
-
A bald man from Leeds devises a new route from work to home to decrease the chances of encountering his forum nemesis.
-
A fit as woman who is cool, funny, has interesting hobbies and a cool son lives miles away in another country.
And
the worst part is you have to watch her look for dates on a dating
website. Like she has to fucking search for people who find her amazing.
I'm over here.
-
A bald man from Leeds who occasionally sees a man he doesn't know
near Tesco express immediately takes to an Internet forum to tell
everyone about it.
-
A stupid man tries to think up a made up desolate scenario to post
on a forum on a Saturday night, he opens a thread called "Dog shit man"
and decides there's no point.
-
The only friendship of two autistic boys ends because one doesn't share the other boy's obsessive interest in spatulas.
-
A
bald man from Leeds who occasionally sees a man he doesn't know near
Tesco express immediately takes to an Internet forum to tell everyone
about it.
Who is this!
I ask because he sounds like a fine man. Certainly one I would befriend rather than shun.
-
On the eve of his birthday, a friendless man tidies his own bedroom 'for the big day'.
Single sentence synopses for most, if not all, episodes of Mr. Bean would stack neatly into this thread.
-
A hapless wankshaft spends three months enchancing the quality of
Youtube-lifted Zapruder footage, just so he can see JFK's head exploding
that little bit more clearly.
-
A sparrow is punched by a bouncer after it swoops to collect a peanut.
-
Why isn't Biggy and Shoulders meet in LEEDS not a thread?
There's some right thin shit limping on to the second page in GB
right now in fact the weakest thread is mine and you've both been in
it. Sort it out.
-
A
hapless wankshaft spends three months enchancing the quality of
Youtube-lifted Zapruder footage, just so he can see JFK's head exploding
that little bit more clearly.
He
logs off, puts his jacket on and heads out. Later on, he studiously
avoids the gaze of a fellow bald man who recognises him at Bridgewater
Place, Leeds.
-
He said he'd cut me if I talk to him and I take threats from a bald gaunt giant sort of...fair to medium seriously.
-
A malnourished spider has a miscarriage in a snorkel.
-
A popular Maroon 5 song inexplicably chosen for the first dance at
an expensive wedding arranged squarely to appease the quaint and mawkish
values of a bunch of smug boomer generation arseholes forever
represents nothing but a huge sense of loss, suffocated potential and
unutterable despair.
-
Three hours after not being recognised in Homebase, Geoff Capes sits on his favourite budgie.
-
A stoat performs its infamous dance of death in predation of a crisp packet.
-
February, and a mono-antlered, bedraggled reindeer kneels to lick
farmhand urine from a thistle that's collapsed into his pen.
-
That single fit mum who lives in another country. What you supposed to do?
-
Stephen Hawking wakes with a start and suddenly realizes that,
given an infinite number of parallel universes, for every second of the
day there is a parallel universe where a cartoonesque anvil is falling
on the head of a parallel-universe Stephen Hawking.
-
And he hopes that, today, it might be this universe.
-
A dark back alley in Tunisia, 1957. A 91yr old woman hovers over a drain, lifts up her nightie and pisses out of something.
-
During his first ever internal completion, a 37 year old Lutheran
emits a noise that resembles Kermit the Frog being strangled by Peter
Sissons.
-
A man takes off his belt and uses it to whip a pond full of frog spawn for a good 15 minutes.
A hipster buys a garish snake belt on Ebay for £72.89. He wears it at a pop up Gin Shack and receives many envious glances.
In the absence of a belt, a hopeless junky uses her daughters skipping ropes to locate a vein in her ruined arm.
-
^ Beltin' post.
-
1995. An unpopular and gullible boy is convinced that 'the new Nirvana album' is only available at Rumbelows.
-
A man spends his twenties trying again.
-
A man spends his thirties giving up.
-
In the absence of a belt, a hopeless junky uses her daughters skipping ropes to locate a vein in her ruined arm.
There's a dark ambiguity at play here.
-
A man with the twitter handle 'Pakkiejeff68' uses free editing
software to add the Benny Hill theme tune over footage of the Ken Bigley
beheading.
-
A disparate collection of single shoes sit festering alongside an
inexplicable brick within a rotting shelving unit outside a poorly
maintained inner city semi detached house.
-
A
disparate collection of single shoes sit festering alongside an
inexplicable brick within a rotting shelving unit outside a poorly
maintained inner city semi detached house.
"I'll have them," thinks Paul from across the street, spying through his greasy and tobacco-stained net curtain.
-
Some shitty old folks' home workers ape Maude's crippling, graceless
shuffle to the bathroom, forming a conga line behind her and
lip-synching; dreaming of becoming the UK version of Impractical Jokers.
-
A self-described "anarchist" and "revolutionary" goes on hunger
strike whilst serving time for breaking a policeman's nose at an
otherwise peaceful protest about bus fares.
Only after he's found dead in his cell do prison staff notice he was ever on hunger strike.
No one will remember him.
-
"I'll have them," thinks Paul from across the street, spying through his greasy and tobacco-stained net curtain.
"I wanted to be a mosquito net and save lives in Africa..." thinks Paul's greasy and tobacco-stained net curtain, wistfully.
-
Paul rips the net curtain as he quickly draws them shut to put his
bags on his feet. "Finally," he thinks, as he opens his front door to
see his goal across the street, wriggling his toes.
-
Paul painfully hobbles over the road, only to discover that each
shoe already contains a half-rotted, disembodied foot. Shrugging, he
scoops out the soggy flesh and feeds it to his cats. The shoes'll be
fine after a quick blast of Febreze, he says to nobody but himself.
-
The net curtains shudder.
There's no breeze.
-
The year is 2015, a Kim and Aggie lookalike names her first born 'Bruce'.
-
A gangly wazzock receives a final warning letter from British Gas
over an unpaid bill of £798.03. In a pique of rage, he kicks his pet
beagle right up the bum. Bang. Right in the starfish. Wallop. Straight
up the tea-towel holder. Thump. Have some of that you little fucker.
He then weeps uncontrollably in the empty space where the washing machine used to be.
-
A Peter Kay tribute actor trips over the novelty garlic bread draft
excluder his ex wife had had made up for him out of spite. He lays on
the floor for three hours, trying to cry.
-
Two bumming mammoths fall into a stonking great tar pit, instantly ending the species.
-
A chronic failure carries a crumpled picture in her purse of a
baddie from Steven Seagal's 'Under Siege,' passing him off as her own
husband.
A man called Dwayne cracks an inappropriate Maddie McCann joke during his own daughter's christening.
-
"I'm trying," she protests, desperate.
"You've very trying!", he chuckles, for the millionth time.
It has never been funny.
-
During a seminar today, I pondered on the mystery and intrigue of china men's shoes.
-
Watching old Pathe newsreel footage of a 1958 beauty contest, it
suddenly dawns on you that the once-vivacious young participants are now
either decrepid, or at best, dead.
-
Masturbates anyway.
-
Win 1 of up to 1 million coke selfie sticks.
Jasper buys 1 million bottles of coke and fails to win his selfie stick.
-
Masturbates anyway
-
Kevin spends his nights in a hole in the earth that he dug one
christmas eve. He likes the hole, the dirt, the worms, the grubs and
beetles. Kevin likes his hole. He's on 75k per annum.
A dilapidated seagull drinks off-white gloss paint straight from the can.
A
generation of people spend so much time concealing their every action
and interest behind a veil of post-modern irony that they become
incapable of any real emotion or sincerity.
Cunt of a wasp stings the fuck out of a vole for a laugh.
-
A scrote in dilapidated Reeboks pulls that whole
'Chinese-person-eye-thing' through the windows of a University Library
on a crap Tuesday.
A daft Geordie office worker buys the same
drab canteen food, week in, week out, year after year - Fallout chips,
AIDS beans and sausages that resemble big dog's cocks.
-
A friend of your wife meets a Lorry driver whilst Christmas temping
in Argos, Newcastle. They go out together, she tolerates his racist
jokes, and after three months she is pregnant to him. She leaves her
family and friends behind to live with him in a rented 1960s semi near
Leeds. You and your wife visit her after the baby is born. It screams
manically the entire time. The lorry driver boyfriend is nowhere to be
seen. The wallpaper peels from the walls. The sofa stinks of cigarettes
and cat piss. You notice she's lost a lot of weight. On the journey back
home, you don't really say much, you just reassuringly pat your own
wife's newly-pregnant belly.
This was 9 years ago, I hope she's alright now.
-
Little realising that the father of the screaming infant is the very same as the unborn in your wife's belly.
The baby in your wife's belly is definitely yours but you don't remember visiting Argos in your waking life.
Lurid nightmares haunt you for years after of fluid filled desolation amongst stuffed Mr Blobby toys and discarded exercisers.
-
A man signs off and lends 2 grand to buy audio equipment in order to
record public domain audio books in the inexplicably baffling hope that
500 people will buy them at £10 a pop.
He is heavily sanctioned
when he resumes signing on the following month and is forced into a
work-for-benners scheme smashing car batteries with a shovel in a
disused quarry.
No goggles or gloves provided.
-
He receives rambling and graphic death threats from his one and only customer after a fuck-up with the shipment.
-
A dull Saturday, Clinton Cards.
Barry, birthday card in hand, waiting in line to pay.
"Do I? Don't I? Do I? Don't I?" He thinks.
He gets nearer..
"Hello, just this sir?" Says the woman at the till.
"Do I? Don't I?" He thinks again, trembling.
He does.
"It's.. It's for me." A hot eruption in his chest, flooding up to his cheeks, now burning. "No one ever gets me a card."
She didn't hear him.
He dashes for the exit anyway, bawling.
"Sir, you forgot your card!" He hears behind him before flinging himself into the thrall of the high street.
The word "your" pierces his heart, but she meant well.
-
A queue of men wait to take a shit in the only working toilet in the whole airport terminal.
-
Explaining the desolation thread to your bereavement counsellor,
giving a few of your own examples, and then posting about it an hour and
a half later.
-
A Some Mother's Do 'Ave 'Em completist hangs himself to the
theme tune of his favourite show. The last thing he hears is that tin
whistle. He is dressed as Frank Spencer. Eventually, the thrashing stops
- the music, however, doesn't.
-
A queue of men wait to take a shit in the only working toilet in the whole airport terminal.
Paris Charles de Gaulle
-
A spectral child plays in a dank bedroom with his two best
friends - a piece of Hubba Bubba with Barbie hair stuck into it,
and a Panini Football sticker of Bruce Grobbelaar.
-
Paris Charles de Gaulle
Moscow Sheremetyevo, with John Lennon, over the tannoy, singing, "how does it feel to be one of the beautiful people."
-
Moscow Sheremetyevo, with John Lennon, over the tannoy, singing, "how does it feel to be one of the beautiful people."
A ghastly place. But not as bad as Charles de Gaulle (non-US zones).
-
Train to Norwich. A man takes a furtive bite of his salad cream
sandwich, wipes the crumbs off his mouth and whispers "it's dead
naughty, this!". In the opposite seat, his stony faced mother says
nothing.
-
A morbidly obese ice cream van owner has his jaws wired in a last
ditch attempt to save his life. He is liquidising saveloys,
fishcakes, jumbo sausages and chips then drinking them with a
straw, within the week.
On a quiet night, a taxi driver in Goole racially abuses himself.
An
LSD trip goes horribly wrong when the downstairs neighbour stabs his
heavily pregnant girlfriend and she comes to your door for help.
-
An 18th century fuckwit bursts his own bulb and sack when the cannon he's shooting recoils.
A
filthy demented neolithic druid with a barnet full of badger grease,
bird shit and twigs builds a stone circle purely for wanking purposes.
-
Gerald scratches his head as he surveys the headlouse treatments on
the shelf in Boots. He doesn't buy any of them. Loss of his
lice would make him even lonelier.
-
A teenager steals a tube of lucozade energy tablets off a diabetes sufferer to use as a dildo.
-
A swan consumes a packet of sweated shitty Lucozade energy tablets it finds on a canal towpath.
Within an hour it is just bubbles.
-
400,000 car windscreen stickers in support of The Spastic Society turn up in Barnardo's.
-
A hedgehog decides a car bumper sticker stating 'Kick Out The Blacks' is good den building material.
-
A bride in Swindon is jilted at her wedding because the groom genuinely forgot it was his wedding day.
-
A user of an obscure comedy discussion website gets negged on the "Desolation" thread.
-
Two days after its master was weeped to death by a nuthatch, a spaniel wonders where the next bowl of offal is coming from.
-
Two days after its master was weeped to death by a nuthatch, a spaniel wonders where the next bowl of offal is coming from.
Her eyes alight on the de-stiffened, sandal wearing body in the corner.
-
Get involved - #bbcathletics
Katie-Marie Bailey: Usain Bolt has a camcorder on the winners podium. What an absolute showman and legend.
Emma: Ha! Usain Bolt has got his confidence back.
Rachael Sigee: Michael Johnson is just the most brilliant sports pundit there is. I feel genuinely lucky to have him.
Women of the modern age.
-
An awkward nurse tries to comfort an elderly patient with diarrhoea,
holding up his bed pan the nurse says "Please sir, can I have some
more!"
-
Her eyes alight on the de-stiffened, sandal wearing body in the corner.
A
nuthatch weeps plaintively beyond the window, and a conditioned
response leads to a fat bead of saliva trickling off her outstretched
tongue, eventually seeping into the perforations on the cadaver's
well-worn Crocs.
-
^ keep that up mate, & you can change your name from touchingcloth to shittingteeth.
-
minus 92!
fucking hell... haha.
neil, NEIL, I'M GETTING KARMA BOMBED... NEIL... oh forgot, he's on holiday or summat.
as you were
-
Roy Castle's son consumes a litre bottle of drain cleaner in front
of Rotherham town hall, and yells "Look Dad I'm a Record Breaker".
-
The prelude to this is a decade of Oxfam only referring to him in writing as 'Roy Castle's Son'.
-
minus 92!
fucking hell... haha.
neil, NEIL, I'M GETTING KARMA BOMBED... NEIL... oh forgot, he's on holiday or summat.
as you were
HAHA, NEGGED
-
The Satire Satyr. A blindfolded goatman balances the Scales of
Justice on its priapic cock, and grabs passers-by by the shoulders to
bellow "quantitative easing" into their faces.
-
Craig and Robbie snigger to each other as they spot a neighbour emerging from the doctor's surgery in tears.
-
A Pacific islander named TOILET spends three years' salary on a
flight to London for a dear relative's funeral and doesn't understand
why every single official in the customs queue is openly laughing into
his face. It was his father's name, and his father's before him.
-
A gay miner fails to find love in 1980s Nottingham.
A
man-child watches Youtube footage of the Challenger shuttle disaster
then runs up to his elderly parents shouting "look, it's like a big
willy exploding in the sky!"
A fuck-ugly husband shows his wife a
picture of a diesel train, whilst she idly daydreams about her first
proper boyfriend. He was called Shane and had Disney Prince hair, but
died in a motorbike crash in 1985.
-
A middle-aged nobody finally decides to go to a gay cruising club after decades of sexual confusion and frustration.
He doesn't even get a second glance.
Mugged on the way home.
-
A britpop convention is cancelled after the star guest's hair transplant goes wrong.
-
At some music industry lunch Toyah leans over the table to tell the
woman from Dollar about her day when she suddenly realizes that she's
run out of people to name drop.
-
2 extraordinarily-unfit men get into a vicious Ebay bidding war for a
bayonet once used by Andy McNabb to kill an Iraqi goat herder. It goes
for £250. A few days later, the winner receives a rusty
pen-knife with 'SAS' written in marker pen along the cracked handle. He
gets drunk and calls in a bomb threat at the local swimming baths.
-
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sexual_violence_in_South_Africa
-
http://www.independent.co.uk/news/world/asia/newborn-baby-dies-after-being-attacked-by-rats-in-hospital-10474083.html
(http://www.independent.co.uk/news/world/asia/newborn-baby-dies-after-being-attacked-by-rats-in-hospital-10474083.html)
-
When unfocusing one's eyes a bit, Kate Bush looks a bit like the default CaB avatar with long hair.
-
The country has some of the highest incidences of child and baby
rape in the world with more than 67,000 cases of rape and sexual
assaults against children reported in 2000, with welfare groups
believing that unreported incidents could be up to 10 times higher.[200]
In 2001, a 9-month-old was raped and likely lost consciousness as the
pain was too much to bear.[201] Another 9-month-old baby was raped by
six men, aged between 24 and 66, after the infant had been left
unattended by her teenage mother. A 4-year-old girl died after being
raped by her father. A 14-month-old girl was raped by her two uncles. In
February 2002, an 8-month-old infant was reportedly gang raped by four
men. One has been charged. The infant has required extensive
reconstructive surgery. The 8-month-old infant's injuries were so
extensive, increased attention on prosecution has occurred.[202] A
significant contributing factor for the escalation in child abuse is the
widespread myth in HIV-ravaged South Africa that having sex with a
virgin will cure a man of AIDS
-
A middle aged tourist smiles for a selfie whilst sat on the back of a
camel. Seconds later she plummets from it head first, shattering her
vertebrae - the story makes page 16 of Metro, underneath a Lunn Poly
Advert. They have spelt her name wrong.
A first year media
student called Grant films his weed-smoking friends in 'edgy' short
movies, shot in and around the Edgbaston area - he genuinely thinks he's
the next Tarantino.
A child with fearsome eyebrows draws giant penises all over a Mr Men book.
-
A
first year media student called Grant films his weed-smoking friends in
'edgy' short movies, shot in and around the Edgbaston area - he
genuinely thinks he's the next Tarantino.
In the cultural wasteland of the year 2019, he is the next Tarantino.
His
first box office hit "Larking About" is "A 5-star masterpeice (sic)"
The Sun, "Depth unseen in cinematic history" The
Guardian-Movies-and-Showbiz-section
6 months later sees the release of his second international release "Larking About 2wo"
-
A caveman, suffering from constipation as a result of his largely
carnivorous diet, is brought to an earth shaking prostate orgasm by his
own rock hard backlogged turd. His tribe are so scared of his primal
yelps they shun him.
-
A shrivelled old bigot who outlived his entire family sits in front
of a broken mirror, endlessly bashing a headless Barbie doll off an old
Quality Street tin with Dave Clark Five precision.
-
A man, slightly worse the wear for drink (eh lads etc), walks into
Best Kebabs on Leith Walk and loudly announces his intention to go a
club, do some shots and 'maybe get my dick sucked, or a wee handy-j'.
Nobody makes eye contact with him and he is served a kebab in record
time, just to get him out the shop.
-
As a German granny scat compilation fails to stream, a perspiring Tosh from The Bill lookalike falls unconscious after sitting on his left hand for too long.
-
After suffering a miscarriage a childless woman returns home to find her husband masturbating into a bucket of slop.
-
A man with club foot pokes a lolly stick into some dog shit, before stamping a fly to death.
A widow scrapes through the remnants of her fish supper whilst breathing in diesel fumes from a nearby bus depot.
A
tosser in Lincoln recognises his own bloated gut being used as the
visual intro on yet another ITN news story about fat British bastards.
-
Roger falls out of the old apple tree in the garden and breaks his
wrist as he tries to build a treehouse for his son, an 11 year old
flabby gormless twat of a child who briefly looks out of his bedroom
window and snorts with laughter as his father writhes in pain on the
grass. He then goes back to "building" a looming tower in the shape a of
cock and balls in minecraft.
The treehouse never gets finished.
In
the year 2046 a flabby gormless twat of a man goes into the garden of
his recently deceased father's home. As he walks under the old apple
tree near the back of the garden a poorly secured plank falls and smacks
him in the head. Lying on his back looking up at a clear sky through
the branches he realises the planks origin. As the blood from his
cracked skull seeps into the well kept lawn he begins to cry.
-
Depressed by the contents of a misleading thread on an obscure
comedy forum, Steve Davis fails to enjoy a blowjob in a car park in
Prestatyn.
-
A bigoted abattoir worker attempts a half-arsed kung-fu kick on a lump of dead cattle.
On his way home from work, he shouts 'Sad cunts!' at a bunch of Youth Club kids making an Anti-Racism poster.
-
A PR/comms worker loudly breaks wind in a packed lift. Because it doesn't matter.
-
A nothing abattoir worker attempts a half-arsed kung-fu kick on a lump of dead cattle.
On his way home from work, he shouts 'Sad cunts!' at a bunch of Youth Club kids making an Anti-Racism poster.
This was better before the edit.
Tisk.
-
A man observing Ramadan turns up at the local fast food outlet at
sundown to enjoy some piping hot Iftar, but the fast food monger goes
"we've only got non-halal meat, mate, and it's all pork anyway, mate,
and we've run out, and fuck off away from me because I am a racist."
-
A zoophile spends a humiliating afternoon in a police interrogation
room trying to convince a dead-faced DI that, despite being caught
wanking at Monkey World, he'd only had eyes for the bonobos. The
horrified school party, he strenuously explained, while being witnesses
to the vinegar strokes, were simply collateral damage.
-
He reluctantly hands over his badge.
-
A man enters work with chronically appalling flatulence and dysentry. His sphincter caves in during the morning meeting.
Caves in.
-
Although cancer is close to killing her, a grandmother finally
finishes knitting a one armed cardigan for her recently born thalidomide
afflicted granddaughter. With horror she realises she's knitted a right
arm and omitted the left.
-
Lingerie picked apart by toothpicks during a solemn night alone with a photo of a departed spouse and a bottle of vermouth.
Picking out toothpick splinters.
Washing tears off a glass.
Forgetting how nooses work.
Looking up nooses on Wikipedia.
Forgetting how Wikipedia works.
Washing tears off a computer keyboard.
Ruining the letter "s" from repeated exposure to spray-n-wipe.
Looking up nooe on Wikipedia.
Falling asleep with the engraving on the vermouth bottle imprinting itself on your forehead overnight.
Mayonnaise.
-
An irate Daily Mail reader spots a small dead child floating in on
the tide and immediately rushes to pick up his frail corpse and lob him
back into the sea, before shouting "go back where you came from you
freeloading little shit, the country's full as it is!"
-
A vicar surveys his congregation and contemplates his loss of faith.
He realises he can never leave the church - his entire life revolves
around it, without his parishioners he is quite literally nothing - so
after the service he hangs himself from the roof screen with his dog
collar. It is seven years before his body is found.
-
An
irate Daily Mail reader spots a small dead child floating in on the
tide and immediately rushes to pick up his frail corpse and lob him back
into the sea, before shouting "go back where you came from you
freeloading little shit, the country's full as it is!"
Ever seen the Paul Putner/Kevin Eldon ukip sketch? Rings more than a bell here.
-
A
first year media student called Daniel films his weed-smoking friends
in 'edgy' short movies, shot in and around the Edgbaston area - he
genuinely thinks he's the next Tarantino.
He then attempts to get it a premiere at The Princes Charles Theatre.
-
He then attempts to get it a premiere at The Princes Charles Theatre.
And he succeeds. And another Quentin - Letts - reviews it as "a fine piece of work".
-
Ever seen the Paul Putner/Kevin Eldon ukip sketch? Rings more than a bell here.
No,
I haven't. It was based on the news (obviously) but also Pilkington's
'Do We Need 'Em' section on XFM which Ricky imagined as Karl walking
down the beach, picking up a crab and throwing it back in the sea. And
Michael in IAP, lobbing the monkey who nicked his fags into the sea (on
the rebound from the rocks).
With the tragic nature of the picture I feel a bit ashamed for posting it now. But then this thread's seen worse.
-
A man can't walk up stairs without falling up them. Down is fine,
but for some reason every single time he tries to walk up steps he falls
up a few. It's like his brain can't quite comprehend them, to him they
are more like lots of tiny floors that all rush up to meet him, quite
often in the face. He's missing most of his front teeth and his skin
looks like an abstract expressionist work of art in it's intensity and
distribution of bruises over pale white flesh.
An endlessly jolly
bloke with a bit of a beer gut has 47 years of reasonably good cheer
sucked out of him when a group of 16 year old girls start to
relentlessly bully him on the way to work. "BIG FAT PEADO!" they shout.
"BIG FAT PEADO WITH A BIG FAT BELLY! HAHAHAHA!".
A desperate
refugee clings onto the wheel of a plane as it makes it's way to the UK.
It's ball achingly cold, and there isn't much air but still he clings,
he clings on for dear life and the hope of something better than the
hell from which he's escaped. He survives the flight and somehow manages
to sneak out of the airport without getting noticed. He ends up in
Hounslow.
A man spends his entire life in Hounslow. One day when
getting served chips and doner meat at his local kebab shop his eyes
meet the bloke serving him and they both know. They know. Hounslow.
-
Edith instantly recognised the twisted leg and orthopeadic shoe
protruding from under the Morris Traveller as Little Derek's. Her
favourite son - her only son.
-
Constable Frycook's last day in the force, her last day of being told to sizzle an egg by the lads in blue.
Billiards balls cracking not from overuse but from always falling to the ground because the table has no pockets.
Jars
where the label hasn't faded enough to obscure the fact that they were
your favourite pickles before the bankruptcy of the pickles firm.
Having favourite pickles.
A wormy apple sitting on a toilet seat in Kent.
Expired toffee in a coffin-maker's office for the kids to chew on while their family members' measurements are discussed.
Electric kettle extension cords.
A game of Mouse Trap missing half the pieces and using your hands to do what the pieces would.
Memorising football scores from your local football team that hasn't ever won.
Waiting for a blimp to deflate before it's decommissioned.
Minced fish.
Lumbago.
-
You start a new job in a Call Centre and meet your new colleagues
for the first time. There is an audible sigh from the females - they
were expecting someone fit.
-
Saw this one for reals today:
The last of Maureen's 'Happy
50th birthday' balloons are caught by a gust of cold wind and blown out
the window of her (prematurely entered) granny flat in a poorly
renovated highrise.
-
...so shy, in fact, that she uploaded the video onto XHamster for millions to see.
-
The intoxicating farts of an anguished man in cum-stained denim who spends his Saturday afternoons watching the Brookside Omnibus with the curtains shut.
-
A small office front with the name "Geoffrey Pogson" adorning the
faded panelling. No indication what business Mr. Pogson undertakes. It
has remained shuttered since the day the brass lettering were placed on
the former "Transformations" shop facade.
-
(http://i.imgur.com/FVCez1m.png)
-
A young man who was quite shy and alienated growing up has a joint
25th birthday party with a friend. The turnout is fantastic and the pub
is heaving with the town's bright and beautiful young things. He has
never felt such a sense of belonging, of being part of something. The
long, slow journey of developing himself as an outgoing social creature
has been worth it.
Next year he has his own birthday get together
in the park and three people turn up and one of them kicks his football
in a lake.
-
A bloke in a Peter Pan chorus line keels over from a sudden and
fatal heart attack live on-stage. The whole sorry charade is filmed on a
Grundig camcorder with a default date of 01/01/1990 - even though this
actually occured in July 1998, for fucks sake.
-
The wrapper of a Wagon Wheel describes the contents as
'JAMMIE'. They aren't. Not one tiny little bit. Colin
notes this latest addition to the long, long list of lies and injustices
that have dogged his short life.
-
An asian teenager runs over a dalmatian with his unregistered quad bike.
As
the dalmatian draws a final breath from its crushed shattered ribs, the
sound of non-descript Bhangra and laughter trails off into the
distance.
-
Chester city centre, Thursday afternoon. A woman riding a tandem bicycle on her own.
-
A broken kayak in a dead man's garage.
A featherless budgie pecking at cigarette butts before sunrise.
A married couple from Grantham who tut at everything.
Porn sample videos that fade out just as they start to get good.
A hunch-backed old man walking through a thunderstorm on his birthday. There were no cards.
Urinal cakes that remind you of that night.
-
A featherless budgie pecking at cigarette butts before sunrise.
A hunch-backed old man walking through a thunderstorm on his birthday. There were no cards.
My favourites, amended for perfection.
-
A lonely businessman staying on the eighth floor of the Travelodge
in an unfamiliar, nondescript town runs out of minibar snacks and
overpriced, low quality pay-per-view pornography. Bored and depressed,
he takes the latch off the window, ignoring the sign that says "any
guest found tampering with or removing the latches on the windows is
liable to pay a £150 fine." He throws himself out of the window. A week
later, his grieving widow receives a letter from the Travelodge
threatening her with legal action if she doesn't pay the £150 fine for
the damage to the latch.
-
You're invited to a night out. 'Come along, you might get a shag out of it,' your mates tell you.
You go along.
Six
hours later, you're stood alone in a dirty Kebab shop behind a
vomit-flecked man in Puma trainers racially abusing an adorable Turk.
-
You're invited to a night out. 'Come along, you might get a shag out of it,' your mates tell you.
You go along.
Six
hours later, you're stood alone in a dirty Kebab shop behind a
vomit-flecked man in Puma trainers racially abusing an adorable Turk.
A happy ending at last for Morrissey.
-
A woman with a David Coulthard chin sits on a piss soaked bus seat on her way to an interview.
A hipster pays £12 for a glass of Kia-Ora with 4 Artisan Ice Cubes in. He goes for more the next day.
A desperate phimosis sufferer use a cigar cutter to remove his wretched prepuce. He bleeds to death shortly thereafter.
-
David Coulthard dribbles at an unguarded moment.
-
A 36 year-old man engages in an impassioned argument with his niece
over the relative quality of the 1990 and 2014 Teenage Mutant Ninja
Turtles films.
-
The job is more complicated than the advert suggested. She
knows it's beyond her capabilities. The 'nice one' on the
interview panel asks her why she applied in the first place. She
has no answer.
-
On wet Autumn evenings after the sun's glowered itself to rest
behind the sulking grey sky Archie begins his ritual. He gently slips
off his shoes and socks and meticulously washes his feet. He then goes
into his back garden and slowly but firmly steps on any and every snail
and slug he can find. Feeling them squish and squidge between his toes
is the greatest pleasure he will ever know.
A spider makes a half arsed web in an abandoned fridge and starves to death.
His dream is to become a "youtuber". 7 subscribers.
4am in a suburban London park. A squirrel has a heart attack at the sound of 67 year old mans roared orgasm.
-
On
wet Autumn evenings after the sun's glowered itself to rest behind the
sulking grey sky Archie begins his ritual. He gently slips off his shoes
and socks and meticulously washes his feet. He then goes into his back
garden and slowly but firmly steps on any and every snail and slug he
can find. Feeling them squish and squidge between his toes is the
greatest pleasure he will ever know.
(http://ecx.images-amazon.com/images/I/71vW1Z3XutL.png)
He knows how things are done.
-
An old man is happily playing on an unplugged Commodore Vic 20.
-
32 year old in a faded Slipknot t-shirt. It has pictures of the band members on the back.
-
A condom in a gutter.
-
An unused condom in a gutter. It fell out of a 49 year old virgin's
wallet after yet another frustrating night out. It's expiry date is
09/1983.
-
A stunted boy picks a greasy object from the floor. He leans towards his carer and inflates.
'Look Trudy, I've got a balloon!'
-
A foetus of unknown origin, in a bush, in a car park, in Arkansaw, in winter.
Engaging in bawdy working class banter with a Road Worker, but feeling like a fraud.
Taking in a parcel for the paedo next door.
-
An
unused condom in a gutter. It fell out of a 49 year old virgin's wallet
after yet another frustrating night out. It's expiry date is 09/1983.
For Sale. Vintage condom. Never used.
-
Yesterday, sitting in Washington The Galleries Interchange Bus Station.
A yellow McDonald's balloon hovers in front of sullen onlookers as they wait for a bus that will never arrive.
I ask an old woman "Is the bus normally late"
"Like
clockwork" she sarcastically replies, her eyes following the morose
wibble of the balloon as it continues its erratic path to nowhere.
-
Yesterday, sitting in Washington The Galleries Interchange Bus Station.
A yellow McDonald's balloon hovers in front of sullen onlookers as they wait for a bus that will never arrive.
I ask an old woman "Is the bus normally late"
"Like
clockwork" she sarcastically replies, her eyes following the morose
wibble of the balloon as it continues its erratic path to nowhere.
Wonderfully grim. I'm sure one of the pubs in there has/had a metal detector on the door.
-
Wonderfully grim. I'm sure one of the pubs in there has/had a metal detector on the door.
Plenty
of desolation on the bus journey from Gateshead to Washington.
Wrekenton in particular. I think The Clock pub is in that place. The
Galleries itself is hideous. A shopping centre full to the brim with the
worst shite of shops, with the highlight being a Shoe Zone.
All through my journey home I was thinking - this is one for the desolation thread.
-
Washington Wetland centre, however, is worth a visit for all you budding ornithologists.
-
A budding ornithologist drowns in a bog at the Washington Wetland
centre, his new Shoe Zone wellies only hastening his slow sinking
descent into the mud and muck that will soon engulf him.
-
David Coulthard enters Shoe Zone wearing a disguise.
-
Shoe zone. The inexperienced and sole shop assistant notes the only
purchase this week. A single ordinary brogue for a Middlesbrough man
with a club foot.
Shoe zone. 2015. Shoe zone then a ginsters pasty on a balmy North Yorkshire evening
-
Facebook - 'People You May Know'
...Cunt
...BASTARD
...Always hated him
...Twazzock
...Orange bitch
...Hipster pillock
...Stupid glasses and hair
...Ugly kids lol
...Ruined my life in the '90s
*Wanks furiously*
-
I feel like a ghost haunted by the living.
-
A middle aged woman masturbates over Alan Titchmarsh.
-
A fat Brummie with warty eyelids trying to sell you a static caravan the day after your dog died.
-
Mad Fat Darren makes a killing selling his toe jam to kids. He tells them it's the best hash in town.
-
He takes off the frock.
He stares at the mirror.
He bursts into tears.
-
A bloke who is 'into 80's stuff' writes an informed, well-though
rant on his Facebook status about Jeremy Corbyn's appointment - 0 Likes.
Two days later, he writes 'Wagga-Wagga Poo-Poo' - 31 Likes.
-
A man approaches climax. He reaches across to grab something, anything to catch the spunk.
"Dear Doris,
So few are you with the kindest hearts
That all the world should know
I bless you with the Grace of God
A fairwell kiss I blow"
-
A lavender scented doily tips a lonely middle-aged lady into the most awful melancholy.
The faint crackle of static as he slowly paces across the floor of his musty bungalow, is Nigel's last connection with reality.
After
smashing his head against a hoarding advertising a Jimmy Cricket show
in Rochdale, Brian gets stuck in an 80's themed strobe-effect
hallucination forever.
-
Retired Andy wanders into his old local and asks for a pint of John
Smiths. The brylcreemed 'urban woodsman' behind the bar stares blankly
at him for a moment, before breaking into self satisfied smirk. It is
now a Brewdog.
-
The Lithuanian version of Hairy Bikers
An ugly cunt wins fuck all in a Tombola.
Black Grapes in Aldi, but the 'G' on the packet is obscured.
-
The Lithuanian version of Hairy Bikers
An ugly cunt wins fuck all in a Tombola.
Black Grapes in Aldi, but the 'R' on the packet is obscured.
FTFY
-
Just over five weeks ago a boy had all the hope and belief and
dreams in the world. Now destroyed. He can never get them back. Why
bother?
I'm going down the offy.
-
Laters
-
Del Boy falls through the bar, lands badly and is brain-damaged and
paralysed. The pocket watch auction money goes some way toward his
care.
Cassandra doesn't have a miscarriage, but the baby is shit.
-
A man wakes to find James Corden is still alive.
-
A man wakes to find James Corden is still alive, and sleeping beside him.
-
A friend-zoned man wakes up from a dream where somebody loved him.
A bag of last night's chips lies in the gutter outside a brothel.
-
A man lifts his bride's veil to kiss her, only to reveal the smiling
face of James Corden, a slice of Stuffed Crust Meat Feast pizza held in
his mouth.
-
Filled with hatred for James Corden, a man grapples with him on a
rooftop, causing the fat, irritating Late Late Show presenter to fall
from the edge, crashing through the ceiling of an adjacent laboratory
and landing in a top-secret Cloning Machine.
Downtown is
"cordoned" off to prevent the Cordenwhelm, but several manage to break
through, imbued with uncommon strength by the smell of nearby kebabs.
-
It is 2066. A secret cell of scientists slide the DNA out from
their newly-constructed cloning machine, having readied the perfect
weapon to stop the Cordenclysm by recreating the only person who ever
truly understood him.
Thousands of these Matthew Hornes intercept
James Cordens all over the planet, but it's no good - the Cordens
convince each individual Horne to partner with them to produce a deeply
unamusing studio/sketch show.
Now, only one non-Horne/Corden human remains in Britain; a heavily disguised Peter Kay.
-
It
is 2066. A secret cell of scientists slide the DNA out from their
newly-constructed cloning machine, having readied the perfect weapon to
stop the Cordenclysm by recreating the only person who ever truly
understood him.
Thousands of these Matthew Hornes intercept James
Cordens all over the planet, but it's no good - the Cordens convince
each individual Horne to partner with them to produce a deeply unamusing
studio/sketch show.
Now, only one non-Horne/Corden human remains in Britain; a heavily disguised Peter Kay.
This makes Peter Kay the funniest human on the planet.
-
Bindle stuffed with garlic bread and Rola Cola, Peter Kay attempts
to leave the newly-christened Cordengland across the Cordenglish Channel
on a hidden vessel. He sails for weeks, desperate, emaciated,
until he happens across an island, trees rich with fruit, oases of fresh
water plentiful. Tearful with relief, he drops to his knees and
drinks deeply, but his attention is drawn to the thick jungle, his blood
freezing as he hears a familiar high-pitched laugh emanating from deep
within the trees. He hurries to his feet, running for the boat,
but in his malnourished state he knows he is too slow to escape the
swarm of James Cordens that burst from the undergrowth. He grabs
his radio.
"It's not just England" he cries; "It's everywhere. It's Cordearth."
He
is pinned and force-fed KFC. Soon, he too will be Corden.
We pan outward, upward. Slowly. We see earth from
above. The familiar glow of McDonald's "M" logos provides an
unnatural light, revealing the curvature of the earth. The weight
of the Cordens has forced the land masses to change, to morph. As
we zoom out further and further, we see the planet from space. We
see the countries forming a shape. A pattern - no - a face.
It is James Corden.
-
James Corden wakes from the above dream and wanks smugly into his
Superted duvet. He is still only 13 years old. So much time, so much
time.
-
A fat pig loses trotting and fucks itself off a motorway embankment.
-
A man drives to the gym every wednesday, but spends the allotted time sitting in his car eating sausage rolls.
-
A man drives to the gym every wednesday, but spends the allotted time sitting in his car eating sausage rolls.
Whilst staring at his annually renewed gym pass, thinking to himself "one day. One day..."
-
A time-strapped domiciliary carer can't be bothered to track down a
replacement catheter bag for old Gerald so instead uses a 'Happy
Birthday' balloon with a picture of a clown on it which she found in his
kitchen draw.
-
It's pissing down with rain, and you're eating crap chips on the
last tram home after being stood up by someone you thought was 'The
One.'
-
It's
pissing down with rain, and you're eating crap chips on the last tram
home after being stood up by someone you thought was 'The One.'
It's 1939 and War is about to break out across Europe.
-
A pigeon and/or Bobby Davro.
-
A pigeon dreams it is a collared dove
-
Derby. Outside The Eagle Centre.
Bobby Davro feeds chips to a
pigeon with a withered foot. The rain causes his badly applied make up
and hair dye to run down his puffy face.
-
The real Bobby Davro died during "Stocksgate", Lionel Blair and Jim
Bowen clubbed together to cover the story up and find a replacement
Davro.
It is now 2015, the final ember in fake Davro's fire of
fame has just been extinguished after being rejected in an audition to
star in an advert for a Matlock bathroom company.
Fake Davro removes the mask and steps out into Birmingham's bullring.
A teenager screams - "Its Joe Pasquale!!! He's been in a horrendous fire!"
-
A technical glitch at a wedding party. Fifty three people suddenly
find themselves doing the conga to Future Sound of London's 'Papua New
Guinea'. They carry on.
-
A
technical glitch at a wedding party. Fifty three people suddenly find
themselves doing the conga to Future Sound of London's 'Papua New
Guinea'. They carry on.
That's not desolation, that's brilliant. A sidewonk glance into the future past.
-
A terrier walks haphazardly through rush hour traffic on the Crumlin
Road. A mile or so away, a hipster with a huge beard is walking a
dalmatian while giving 'ironic' thumbs up to passing buses. The dog's
eyes show nothing but contempt.
-
A window cleaner cuts out the inside pockets on his cheap jeans, just so he can fondle his willie on the Megabus.
-
Mungo Jerry dies in an alcohol fuelled road rage incident, July 1984.
-
A tiny widow combs her hair with a spoon in a dark kitchen.
-
A middle-aged man tries to track down an old flame via Facebook, only to find out she's dead.
-
HAW-HAWing twins Trist and Delaney trade 'Your mum' jokes in the
urinals at a Twickenham pub whilst taking a pissy aim at one another's
Ben Sherman loafers.
-
He types, 'male pattern baldness' into Google...
His worst fears are now confirmed.
-
An idealistic gap year student cries herself to sleep on her first night in New York.
A Mandrill shits in his hand and claps.
Two Leeds men miss out on a Gonnorhoea outbreak.
-
A middle-aged man tries to track down an old flame via Facebook, only to find out she's dead.
ther repressed memory of her asphyxiation returns
-
The inside of a stationery cupboard is decorated with tinsel on the 23rd of December.
-
A real one.
Several bored young boys stand and watch a
flattened pigeon on the road. They give a desultory cheer whenever a
passing car makes it just that little bit flatter.
-
Saturday Night, 8pm, you load up Netflix and ask your partner what they fancy watching. 'I don't mind' they reply.
'not that though'
'or that'
'nah'
'no'
'no'
'2 hours 43 minutes?'
'just choose anything'
'nah don't fancy that'
'we've seen that, it was shit'
'....are you going to choose something then, or what?'
You choose the film, and can tell within minutes it's shit.
'meh, I'm going to bed'
'...night'
*waits for the footsteps on stairs to stop, and bedroom door to close*
*gets cock out, wanks to nothing*
Repeat every week forever.
-
Whilst meeting his new girlfriend's obviously disapproving parents
for the first time, a Cynophobic man pretends to find their slobbering
Boxer dog charming; the dog sniffs his crotch, then visibly gags.
-
A man takes a dozen of his son's friends to the local swimming baths
to celebrate said son's 6th birthday. Whilst getting changed it becomes
apparent to him that he has got by far the smallest penis there.
-
An alcoholic jumps out of bed and quickly pulls on his shitted in
shell suit bottoms from the night before in order to answer the knocking
of a Yodel delivery guy at the front door. Signing the electronic
handheld delivery reader he feels the cold of his crusted feeshus
pressing against his buttocks.
-
Blaenau Ffestiniog, Boxing Day. A recently divorced man
buys a box of reduced Xmas crackers and pulls all 24 by himself through a
fug of Bacardi and cold chipolatas.
An LSD trip takes a turn for the worse when a Foo Fighters album is mistakenly played.
A man weeps as he comes to terms with the fact that Tena For Men are now a part of his daily life.
-
A band of bedraggled "urban woodsmen" sit around a slow burning camp
fire on a beach singing Ho Hey by the Lumineers. A cunt with a half
dreadlocked, half shaved head and massive cunt beard blows out the
melody on a budweiser bottle. Some dappy chick sways half-drunk with an
enormous smugness that percolates amongst her peers. They all feel a
sense of belonging and a sense of creativity.
Not 50 feet away,
the last beluga whale to live off the shores of Cornwall lies dying,
beached on the sand with a budweiser bottle stuck in his blowhole, a bag
of crap MDMA tablets in its stomach, and a Glastonbury '13 t-shirt
rammed up its anus.
-
you. read. this.
-
A bus driver pretends to be doing something with his ticket machine
in order to keep the OAPs stood in the stinging Teesside rain from
boarding.
-
A Prison Camp guard fights back the tears whilst kicking a row of withered shins.
A greasy pervert commits arse-naked suicide near a heritage railway.
-
The withered claw of a sullen pigeon is the last image nearly 1 million Jews see before entering the showers
-
One of the lads watching rugger in the pub burps so hard he shits
himself. All his mates call him a fucking legend. His name from then on
is shurps. He is proud.
A particularly flamboyant giraffe slips on a crisp packet at Whipsnade zoo and does his neck in. Proper does it in.
-
"oh, you had hair in your profile picture..."
-
Lord Gossington Prancer Druid III, a noble Gloucestershire old black
spot pig with ancestors reaching back to King Alfred the Pig, is
unceremoniously slaughtered by a bunch of braying, stoned toffs in early
1980's Oxford.
The last flickering of awareness are of a bacon
faced dimwit, not fit to slop swill into his golden troff, bearing down
on him with cleave in one hand and tiny dick in the other.
-
- A scruff in a Butthole Surfers T-shirt goes round licking all the
teaspoons at work. Later that day he brags about in on Reddit from the
safety of his cum-dungeon.
-
A scabby horse picks at a KFC bargain bucket in a barren field.
-
Happy 1st Birthday, Desolation Thread.
-
Happy 1st Birthday, Desolation Thread.
Anniversary Limited Edition
Things are getting far too upbeat around here for my liking.
Not Desolation:
A balding man in ill-fitting suit eating a dessert in a deserted, cheap diner. His eyes briefly meet mine and I understand. We
saw each other 1 year ago. I enter the diner and join him for a whisky
chaser. An hour later, the place is filled with warmth and laughter
which lasts well into the night.
Not Desolation:
A
man just past his peak, wolfing down bad chips in a secluded alleyway
before shoving them in a bin and strutting back out into the public in
all his finery, but smelling of grease. I espied him down that alleway
and understood. I approach the man and talk to him. His wife has
left him. After sitting with him in a cafe for 3 hours, I urge him to
call his wife. He does so and she accepts him back.
Not Desolation:
A
young father, already aged by 10 years trying to placate his bawling
infant son on a crowded bus. His hackles rise and he nearly snaps. A
younger guy steps into the breach, acting the fool, making the kid
giggle and the passengers swoon. I see the sweat stains filter through
the tatty t-shirt and understand. I have a quiet word with the
father and his grimace turns to goofiness as he joins the other guy in
the hi-jinx. The two men become best of friends and the stranger becomes
godfather to the happy infant.
I am happy to observe not desolation. It gives me great joy and warmth.
Not Desolation.
-
A
young father, already aged by 10 years trying to placate his bawling
infant son on a crowded bus. His hackles rise and he nearly snaps. A
younger guy steps into the breach, acting the fool, making the kid
giggle and the passengers swoon. I see the sweat stains filter through
the tatty t-shirt and understand. I have a quiet word with the father
and his grimace turns to goofiness as he joins the other guy in the
hi-jinx. The two men become best of friends and the stranger becomes
godfather to the happy infant.
That stranger's name: Ian Watkins.
A
man just past his peak, wolfing down bad chips in a secluded alleyway
before shoving them in a bin and strutting back out into the public in
all his finery, but smelling of grease. I espied him down that alleway
and understood. I approach the man and talk to him. His wife has left
him. After sitting with him in a cafe for 3 hours, I urge him to call
his wife. He does so and she accepts him back.
Seconds
later, she calls back saying she's changed her mind. The bad
chips instantly give the man his second most severe bout of
Listeria. The worst one still to come.
A
balding man in ill-fitting suit eating a dessert in a deserted, cheap
diner. His eyes briefly meet mine and I understand. We saw each other 1
year ago. I enter the diner and join him for a whisky chaser. An hour
later, the place is filled with warmth and laughter which lasts well
into the night.
You
look around at the merriment, a giddy warm euphoria you hadn't thought
possible since your 16th birthday party when that girl you liked gave
you a peck on the cheek and said you had your whole lives to look
forward to. You lean in and smile at the balding man next to you,
whispering: "This is the best I've felt in years, I thought I'd
never feel this way again. And to think it all came so close to
never happening ..."
The dim blue glow on your face. The cursor blinking listlessly in front of you. The wet sandwich at your side.
"It all came so close to never happening ..."
There, business as usual.
-
A Japanese Buddhist shits his pants in a temple.
-
Happy birthday Desolation!
(http://images.boomsbeat.com/data/images/full/45/love-jpg.jpg)
-
(http://i59.tinypic.com/2zdojl1.jpg)
-
-
A scruff in a Butthole Surfers T-shirt goes round licking all the
teaspoons at work. Later that day he brags about in on Reddit from the
safety of his cum-dungeon.
A
colleague with crippling self-esteem issues, OCD, acute hypochondria
and anxieties over his body image, uses one of the teaspoons, and as a
consequence gets infected with oral herpes, causing an outbreak of cold
sores, which ultimately leads to his suicide.
-
A scrote in a Klaxons tshirt barges past a stooped Mark E Smith at a
bar in Salford. His life force waning, MES offers nothing in the
way of a verbal beat down.
A cretin with rent arrears
fruitlessly spunks £36, the remainder of his giro, on a Grab-a-Prize
game in a local leisure centre. Nothing in the glass box is worth
more than £2.
An office new start sexually debases himself in an attempt to bond with his team.
-
A greasy man on the sex offenders list roots around in the trash out
the back of a beauty parlour searching for bikini wax strips with hair
on them.
-
A 31 year old father and professional spends 15 mins going through
rotting food from the wheelie bin to find a tiny baggy of 'emergency'
weed he accidentally threw away, and is elated upon finding it.
-
An unemployed bell end from Gosforth with a 'Weekend Offender' t-shirt flicks a snotter onto a guide dog.
-
An old man's shopping in Lidl consists only of a small loaf of bread and eighteen cans of lager.
-
He puts the loaf back and adds another two cans
-
A female work colleague excitedly tells you all about a Rugby Party
that her husband and his oafish mates are having. Why is she telling you
this? She knows you hate rugby, and parties, and people.
-
A pituary sadsack makes his 1000th post on the 'hairlosstalk' forum,
before lighting a solitary candle on his own birthday cake.
-
An aggresive scat fiend bullies his submissive boyfriend into
shitting into a condom. They freeze and use it as a vile
dildo. As it begins to melt, losing it dildo like
properties, the fiend forces his partner in grime to suck out the
contents like a Frube.
-
A desolation thread regular looks through his posts to the thread
and realises the vast majority of them are based on things he's seen
around Dublin and aren't remotely embellished.
-
A man gets laid for the first time in his life. Wearing the costume
and mannerisms of Austin Powers. Never deviating from the catchphrases
"Groovy baby" and "Oh no, I've gone cross-eyed."
-
A man films a heron 'signing a change.org petition'.
-
You read the still-active Twitter account of a recently-deceased person, their last inane post forever frozen in time.
On one of your shoulders, a little angel mourns 'oh, how awful to die so young'
On your other shoulder, a little devil cackles 'ha ha, you're dead now'
-
A man raises the volume of his voice to drown out a crying colleague. He is discussing the ZX Spectrum.
-
Another man, during a never-ending Pornhub Marathon, gets
briefly thrown off-stroke by a trapped, dying moth inside his kitchen
strip light.
-
After years of holidaying in their villa in Tuscany a bankrupt
London city trader struggle to settle his family into their first night
in a piss smelling guesthouse in Blackpool, old chip oil fumes and sound
of battling stag do's waft through the window that is opened to relieve
the smell inside.
-
After
years of holidaying in their villa in Tuscany a bankrupt London city
trader struggle to settle his family into their first night in a piss
smelling guesthouse in Blackpool, old chip oil fumes and sound of
battling stag do's waft through the window that is opened to relieve the
smell inside.
I find that story quite heart-warming really
-
I find that story quite heart-warming really
From many peoples perspective it is quite cheering. I'm looking at it through the eyes of the trader.
-
I was trying to do some meta-desolation. It failed, clearly.
-
After failing to impress strangers on a comedy forum, a sad poster
retreats from society to live in a log cabin in the sparsely populated
Manitoba forests.
Upon arriving at his new tranquil abode deep
within the trees he sees the words "meta-dezolatin cunt" spray painted
across the entire facade.
-
A fat-arsed man in scuffed shoes spends his 57th birthday throwing
wet cardboard and dry cement into a skip. Later on he asks a 29yr-old
divorcee on Plenty Of Fish if she's 'up for some bum fun'. She is - just
not with him.
-
Sick to death of it all, the daughter of a middle-class folk singer
duo farts into their harmonicas. Unfortunately for them, they
raised their daughter a vegan.
They die.
-
A sozzled wastrel finds himself in the curious position of
simultaneously feeling very randy and bursting for a shit. Within
minutes, the wisdom of his decision is thrown into grave doubt. The bus
stops.
-
A man sits alone in an empty house. His only thoughts are on the
woman he loves, knowing he will never be able to hold her or kiss her or
take her out for dinner. Knowing that tomorrow is the day she marries a
bloke who looks a little bit like him. But funnier, richer and more
talented than he.
-
Ian has a full blown argument with a closed door.
-
13 hours into a coke bender, Jason Statham does a 'Taxi Driver' into his bathroom mirror.
-
Hale and Pace get a post ironic reappraisal and a whole commemorative season of their own on Dave.
-
Hale and Pace get a post ironic reappraisal and a whole commemorative season of their own on Dave.
Cool, what time's that on?
-
Ian has a full blown argument with a closed door.
The door wins. Again.
-
Malcolm used to have teeth.
-
A fan of Sherlock guesses his fellow postmen's breakfasts, blocking them from leaving the canteen.
-
She lies upstairs waiting for him.
He carries on playing FIFA '13.
-
Colin's favourite TV show is Little Britain. "I'm a lady!" hahahahahah - brilliant.
-
She lies upstairs waiting for him.
He carries on playing FIFA '13.
Surely, 2015 winner of the thread. Fantastically bleak. I have butterflies in my stomach just reading this. Over and over.
Edit: i'm in tears. genuine tears
-
This one was just for Bertha, but I like its rhythm so will put it here:
"She finds her pet hamster, mummified in a moccasin"
-
A Don Estelle lookalike sits in the cockpit of a static Harrier Jump
Jet, his pained smile fading as his frail mother takes a series
of blurred photos on a shoddy disposable camera.
-
"Yes," answers Stephen when asked if he has a girlfriend.
He goes red.
He doesn't have one. He was thinking of that regular weather reporter from TV. Again.
-
A lonely man drifts into a 6 year somnolence after putting Laraaji's
Trance Celestial Music on his state-of-the-art record player.
Coming
to his senses after the extended, melancholic hiatus from earthly
matters, he flips the record on to side B and journeys once more into
almost eternal desolation.
-
Buzz Aldrin's one eternal regret is that he never took a shit on the Moon.
-
He ignores the tenth call in 5 minutes from the Hospice. No point in
answering he thinks, she'll probably be dead by the time i finish this
wank anyway.
-
There's a plethora of wine ring stains on his glass coffee table. Dust and grime coat the forgotten spaces and possessions.
Agatha forgets her grand daughters name for the 3rd time and recognises it correctly as the first sign of alzheimer's.
A damaged teenager records himself eating a hedgehog, spines and all, in an attempt to generate views on his youtube channel.
"Can't you let me off 20p? Please?"
"No mate."
Fred leaves the chemist without his ageing father's bed sore cream.
-
He spies a glimpse of dowdy knicker through her taut leggings as she
makes her way upstairs. Married a year or so now, he knows there is no
chance of fun tonight, tomorrow, or any other night.
He fires up FIFA '13.
-
A divorced teenager in Blackpool uses a Mattesons Smoked Sausage to pleasure both her holes at the same time.
-
A divorced teenager in Blackpool uses a Mattesons Smoked Sausage to pleasure both her holes at the same time.
You haven't quite got the hang of this.
-
Yeah mate, the phwooooooooooooooar thread is in HS Art
-
You haven't quite got the hang of this.
Said her daughter, before demonstrating the best way to masturbate with a sausage.
-
Paul from Stoke laughs hard at the smell of his own shit. His in-laws in the next room heard every splash.
-
A 28-year-old pervert shoves batteries up his arse so he can pretend to be an action figure.
-
A 28-year-old pervert shoves batteries up his arse so he can pretend to be an action figure.
One of the batteries is sucked up into his rectum and later explodes on a particularly cold January morning.
-
One of the batteries is sucked up into his rectum and later explodes on a particularly cold January morning.
"There's a fault with this product," he whispers to himself, giggling, before slipping into unconsciousness in the ambulance.
-
Steve goes to work early after shitting the bed.
No-one is there to make the joke.
-
Former steel worker Jonny struggles to fit a warped awning to the
side of his house. Nearly three years since Julie and the kids left.
-
"warped awning"
on a roll Big Bertha.
-
A Japanese tricyclist peddles into the sea.
-
Three shite men
Three shite men
Sitting in a van
A dirty white van
They toss fags from the window and gob on the street
In their tracksuited threads and their Lonsdaley feet
Staring out passers by as their Galaxies bleat
Three shite men
-
A seedy middle aged man is turned down for a Wonga loan for a real
doll because he ruined his credit score running up huge debts in the
90's ringing 0898 numbers.
-
The year is 2022, the same seedy bloke is turned down in a Japanese
sex bar by a "real doll" robot who tells him to "swivel on this, loser".
The manager denies any knowledge of this being programmed into any of
his sexbots.
-
In a carefully planned attempt to obtain some credibility within his
peer group, Cliff, a 22 year old fitter waits for that one song at a
wedding reception held in a Bradley Stoke function room. As the Kings of
Leon's Sex on Fire starts up he pushes his way onto the dancefloor,
drops his trousers and sets fire to his pubic hair just as the chorus
kicks in.
A year later despite trying to get everyone to use his
preferred new nickname of Cliffy Pyro, his peer group always now refer
to him as Westo. Since his penis now looks like Simon Weston's face. He
laughs with them.
-
A bisexual paedophile masturbates slowly but methodically to Sia's
"Elastic Heart" music video while trying to make fleeting eye contact
with the little girl on his screen. Raw and sweaty, he pushes through
his refractory period for a second go. "Now for Shia's turn," he
murmurs.
-
"I've met someone else..................oh, and happy birthday."
-
A plump man finishes work on a hot day. His ill fitting suit, half a
size too big, hangs off him and catches the sun, like shiny metal. He
wipes his brow with a hanky, whilst a schoolboy, taller and leaner than
him, walks past and calls him a fat cunt.
-
A depressed, sweaty lunatic repeatedly bashes his forehead against a
wardrobe whilst listening to 'The Rockafella Skank' on a constant loop.
-
A try-hard buys a bottle of expensive champagne and a cigar with his
first ever wage. Exiting the shop fills him with immediate regret as
his mum texts him; "Are you in for tea love? X"
-
A nervous young man approaches a bar for the first time.
"Do you have any Irish whiskey?" he asks the barman.
Everyone laughs at him.
-
A 36 year old admin underling is bewildered by the positive female
attention he receives after having his Charlton esque comb-over shorn
off for the first time. He solemnly vows to regrow it as soon as
possible.
-
(https://s-media-cache-ak0.pinimg.com/736x/61/a6/69/61a66927d25f7a0c1ca6c806ecd85ccd.jpg)
"Two thumbs up!"
-
It gets worse...
(http://i60.tinypic.com/3517gk7.jpg)
That's a long lift ride to the top.
-
A man laughing at a Pringles advert turns to share the mirth with a
countless amount of unblinking molecules, none of which host human life.
-
An emaciated old man rocks backwards and forwards on a lead-lined
bed in a Bristol mental home, waiting for the warm embrace of death.
1967 is only days away.
-
(https://s-media-cache-ak0.pinimg.com/736x/61/a6/69/61a66927d25f7a0c1ca6c806ecd85ccd.jpg)
"Two thumbs up!"
I
remember this film! I must've been too young to appreciate the
absurdity of Frances McDormand (now one of my favourite actresses for
her work with the Coen Bros) being a part of it.
"Thought it was shite, even when I was 9" - Noodle Lizard. There's one for the inevitable Blu-Ray steelbook release.
-
Thought it was shite, even when I was 9" - Noodle Lizard.
Only gave me a 4" semi chub
-
Ten buckets of earth and worms take up the floor space in her small dingy kitchen. She loves her wuurrms. Lurrvves errm.
16th
night in a row at the gym, cardio every day for 3 hours. Just running
on the machine. Running, running, running, running. If he keeps running
he doesn't have to think about it.
Wojciech downs 5 cans of Tyskie on the 6.44 to London Bridge before getting to work and taking up position in the crane.
Margeret
starts a fight with her husband over undercooked broad beans. She does
it in an attempt to feel..something...anything really.
-
I
remember this film! I must've been too young to appreciate the
absurdity of Frances McDormand (now one of my favourite actresses for
her work with the Coen Bros) being a part of it.
Love Blood Simple and Fargo (she has a great virtuous smile in that for such a super lady), not that keen on Burn After Reading as it's trying way too hard to be wacky. Have you seen her in Olive Kitteridge yet? Keep meaning to watch that as it's been lauded but the premise sounds so tedious.
-
A haggard man is shoved over by drunken chavs. As he scrapes his fat
face and battered pastie from the tarmac, he recognises one as his own
son.
They lie in bed - back-to-back as always - her on the
Smartphone, him working out how many days it's been. 39.
Thirty-fucking-nine.
A starling lies on your patio with half it's guts hanging out of it's arse. Happy Birthday.
-
Margeret - so much regret, not least the purposeful misspelling of her name by a spiteful mother.
-
Eddie Chung types 'Hi ;)' into Facebook chat.
Jessica logs off immediately.
-
A boy recovering from debilitating chemotherapy returns to school
and is instantly ostracised for having the wrong style of baseball cap.
-
A divorced gasman listlessly entombs an earthworm inside a vertical sarcophagus of lightly sucked Hula-Hoops.
-
In the midst of a terrifying 4 day meth bender, Paul Hollywood
buggers and chokes a rent boy before wanking over a clip of himself on
Iplayer.
-
A new episode of Friends airs, but it's just them- fat as fuck-sat around looking at cat memes and shit.
-
6am in Asper's Super Casino, Newcastle.
Paul entranced by the billboard advertisements declaring 24-7 gambling, women, booze, music surveys the scene.
A
one armed small-person cleaner is vacuuming some sick off the lurid
green carpet. A tramp is asleep behind one of the slot machines. His
last pound coin disappears forever in a new deluxe "coin pusher" machine
that accepts high value currency and there is even a slot for your
credit card (with the opportunity to win £1000).
Paul's credit card disappeared at about 2:15am.
-
A data entry depressive can't help but correct the woman he has
secretly loved for years after she pedals an urban legend. Lip upturned
she frowns, and he knows that, this time, they will never speak again.
A cold midwife drowns in a watery ready meal.
A vicar loses his religion at Newport Pagnell services.
-
A frail old lady lies prone in her hallway at dawn, an outstretched veiny hand falling just short of the antique phone.
A
middle-Englander notices an ever-increasing cluster of bluebottles
around his neighbour's letterbox, but does nothing about it.
A weekend dad with skin like value ham fumigates an empty house.
-
A pallid man is unable to make the correlation between the breakdown
of his marriage and his spiralling obsession with the Zapruder footage.
-
Trudging home you think you spot a £20 note in a puddle. As you lean
down and inspect the folded, sodden, fried-chicken flyer, you realise
the money would not have brought even a glimmer of happiness into your
awful life anyway.
-
A thirty-three year old man with uncontrollable acne spends three
hours trying to create an ascii version of the Insane Clown Posse
hatchet man in his OkCupid profile before realizing that the site's
formatting has ruined it. He slams shut his laptop and begins to cry.
-
A melancholic grey human with a knackered spine who's just had his
disability payments stopped goes to the shops and buys nothing but a 5p
carrier bag in order to suffocate himself in the spare bedroom he can't
afford the tax on.
As his gasps get more and more desperate
and the orange bag forms a grim mask over his face his last blinking
moments of consciousness are dimly aware of the glow from the tv. He's
sure it's something of great importance, he's been told so, but his
oxygen starved brain can't make sense of it. On the telly a women in
spectacles says "Bake" in a strange voice.
His last thought is the word "off".
-
A drunk man trying to clean his flat attempts to dust the packet of
floss picks that have adorned his bathroom shelf since whenever it was
he last went to the dentist.
He still hopes to use them one day,
and thinks of a better future, but whilst he is daydreaming and dusting
the packet of floss picks he somehow manages to open the packet of floss
picks and they all fall into the toilet, apart from one. The
drunk man swears at himself.
The drunk man tries flushing the
floss picks but they won't move. Rather than leave them for
himself to discover tomorrow morning, he decides to put his hand down
the toilet and scoop them all up from the bottom of the bowl. He
can't get all of them at once though; it takes about five or six
attempts for him to get them all. Even then, he thinks that one
might have dropped into the toilet brush holder.
He is too scared to remove the toilet brush though, in case he finds other, worse, things.
He also has to clean up the toilet water that he has displaced, which is now on the floor instead of being in the bowl.
Eventually,
he leaves the one solitary floss pick in its bag - neither of which
actually entered the toilet - on the bathroom shelf, as a futile gesture
of hope towards what tomorrow may hold.
Then, whilst washing his hands, he decides to post his experience on the internet.
-
A dying pensioner prays there is no afterlife after realising her
sole contribution to life on this planet was a 10 second arse over
tit-granny knicker camcorder clip that was picked up only by the
Bulgarian equivalent of You've Been Framed - Videoplop.
Hristov
wanks himself silly, in a dingy flat he shares with three geese, to
several Videoplop clips. One shows an English granny falling over and
revealing soiled knickers, the other is of another English granny having
a heart attack and dying on a runaway mobility scooter that finally
ploughs into a group of startled Chinese migrant workers.
-
A jealous dog is deliberately hit by a lorry.
-
A man in nothing but a stab vest moonwalks in front of a poster of Danii Minogue.
In
2015, a cretin goes into Brighthouse and buys a 42" 'HD Ready' Beko lcd
tv. 72 months at £20. It is stolen within the week.
5am,
running his fingers through his increasingly fragile hair, David
Sylvian caves in and orders 4 bottles of Alpecin shampoo and begins
pacing again.
-
An angry uptight chef finally reaches the short list for the Great
British menu banquet after 4 attempts only to be beaten by a first
timers quirky take on a fish finger sandwich.
-
Have you seen her in Olive Kitteridge yet? Keep meaning to watch that as it's been lauded but the premise sounds so tedious.
Ok,
watched 10 minutes and I think this is good, and has a slight Coen
Brothersy vibe, and McDormand is playing Super-Jewish, cheers Joel.
Still a candidate for desolation considering the time I'm posting this
though, I suppose.
-
A 57-year old CEO uses dudespeak during a conference call.
A backwards man shits himself outside Netto and everyone points and laughs.
A Steve McDonald fan forum dies without fanfare.
-
An Aldi checkout guy fantasises about making a Hollywood film of his rich, secretive life.
Norman: Portrait of a Serial Tiller
-
A fifty-something perv realises he has exhausted the world's supply
of porn mid-wank. He ends up cumming to a YouTube clip of Judy
Finnegan's wardrobe malfunction at the National Television Awards.
-
A once powerful fat man clings is suspended from a bridge by his
peers. They threaten to cut the rope sending him into the abyss if he is
found guilty of the many crimes he is accused of committing.
Yet...yet,
he still arrogantly cat calls them as he dangles, claiming to be of the
highest moral authority and demanding to be pulled back up, despite
saying only months earlier that he was ready to voluntarily hurl himself
off the bridge.
His name?
Sepp Blatter
February
2016, in a dank motel cum brothel in a suburb of Mons, the bloated,
rotting corpse of Sepp Blatter is discovered by an CONCACAF official,
who is in Belgium, ostensibly to strengthen links between the country
and Caribbean league clubs, which quickly turned into a debauched,
drug-fuelled tour of the seedier areas of the previous European capital
of culture.
-
IDS blames his failed leadership of the Conservative party on 9/11.
-
Eddie Large confesses on his deathbead (from weight related heart
disease) that he never really liked pies to begin with he just overate
in order to make the Little and Large stage name fit visually and
carried on in depression after their careers died.
-
Eddie Large completely doesn't confess on his deathbed about that
time when he lied during televised past life regression
(https://youtu.be/mblY5RAxzTM?t=2:58m) by a child-voiced woman where he
said he was a Scottish warrior who 'probably' was fighting the English.
-
A young and impressionable mentally ill balding man who enjoys
comedy more than the average person listens to On the Hour and enjoys
it. He wants to know more about its creator Chris Morris. He googles
"Chris Morris" and stumbles upon the forum Cook'd and Bomb'd. He reads a
few old threads discussing Chris Morris's work and finds it an
intellectually stimulating experience.
He then sees the section
called 'General Bullshit'. I bet they're very funny, he thinks. I bet
they tell stories of silly things they've done, make jokes (good ones
and bad ones) and generally muck about using words and images in an
amusing and engaging way.
But all he can see are threads about
politics. They are not very funny. They mostly consist of people
reporting the news and arguing and making each other depressed. He
thinks about joining, and then realises he can't join anyway.
He signs up to reddit.
-
A laptop is scoured by Scotland Yard's top analysts only to reveal
that a technologically baffled paedo has left his CP in an un-emptied
Recycle Bin.
-
https://youtu.be/9EBDUY5G1XY?t=27m
Old man listens to his favourite vinyl
-
Someone logs on to CaB and still find Ziggy Starbucks bald photoshops funny.
-
A drunken fuckwit sings 'Three Lions' on a traffic island next to a pile of his own sick.
Susan, 53, straightens her hair before the big date, but all it does is accentuate her thinning crown.
A 9/11 truther wakes up alone on Christmas morning, and every other morning forever.
-
A 9/11 truther wakes up in the still smouldering rubble of the twin towers collapse, alone, absolutely alone.
-
A balding man attempts to do a "Jackass" - ten years out of fashion - at a fruit and veg stall in Rusholme.
He's promptly smacked in the face.
-
A man pulls up in his car, leaning to his wife-
"So, this is that Travelodge I was telling you about..."
-
A man pulls up in his car, leaning to his wife-
"So, this is that Travelodge I was telling you about..."
That is excellent. You didn't even have to mention its location
-
A balding whippet hurls himself into a pack of rabid hares, feral on
the memory of watership down and dog-track persecution.
-
A twelve year old girl notices a beautiful rainbow has been
accidentally captured in the background of her latest pouting selfie.
She angrily deletes it.
-
A shoddy painting of Mickey Mouse and Goofy on the side of a centre for handicapped children.
The word 'cocksuker' daubed over it.
-
Five hours after her father's death Trish logs into her e-Bay
account to check if anyone has bid on her late father's false teeth.
-
I'm the new Eno!, thinks a gelswept estate agent as his sparse plops punctuate the teeming silence of his late grandmother's flat.
-
http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-england-tees-34537709
Grim real life badness
-
Deleted to avoid hurting sensibilities.
-
This is a great thread, but I would contend that a two year old
choking is tragic in a real sense and a pretty poor source of
humour. Doesn't fit in here at all.
-
BlodwynPig hangs himself with a collection of spider webs.
-
I recently got unfriended on Facebook by an ex-colleague for saying
that the video she uploaded of a quirky flash mob was more upsetting
than the clips they have on YouTube of 9/11 jumpers, so I wasn't being
holier than thou there. Apologies if it looked like I was.
-
I
recently got unfriended on Facebook by an ex-colleague for saying that
the video she uploaded of a quirky flash mob was more upsetting than the
clips they have on YouTube of 9/11 jumpers
DESOLATION
-
She knew three people involved. Involved in 9/11, not the quirky flash mob video.
-
more upsetting than the clips they have on YouTube of 9/11 jumpers
(http://i3.cpcache.com/product/456642170/remembering_911_jumper_sweater.jpg?height=350&width=350)
-
(http://i3.cpcache.com/product/456642170/remembering_911_jumper_sweater.jpg?height=350&width=350)
Now available at a knock-down price.
-
This
is a great thread, but I would contend that a two year old choking is
tragic in a real sense and a pretty poor source of humour. Doesn't
fit in here at all.
I
don't think you have to 'contend' that. If you look through the thread
there are plenty of grim headlines that aren't posted here for laughs,
but factual desolation.
-
http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-england-somerset-16301737
"A
song released to raise money for a tribute statue to the late frontman
of the Wurzels, Adge Cutler, has failed to sell a single copy."
From 2011. I'd Googled 'Adge Cutler's death.' I still don't know why.
-
An overweight 28-year-old in a sweat-drenched fursuit bends over a
dingy hotel bedspread while an anonymous man in a wolf costume pounds
his anus. He suddenly remembers the summer afternoon eighteen years
earlier when he won a medal at the track meet in front of his
long-decreased grandparents.
-
A two-year-old chokes to death on a used condom thrown out the window of an Uber by the guy from Dapper Laughs
-
An ageing prostitute goes shopping in Aldi for own brand Dettol so
she can give herself an anal bleaching and earn more money by
advertising "A" levels on her adultwork page.
-
A
twelve year old girl notices a beautiful rainbow has been accidentally
captured in the background of her latest pouting selfie. She angrily
deletes it.
http://viralwomen.com/post/reasons_why_selfie_shaming_is_antifeminist
Mate.
-
Old man with a broken vest.
Old man with a broken vest on an
abandoned country train station, licking an ice-cream sandwich that's
dripping onto his frayed shoelaces. It is winter.
Old man with a
broken vest only having two dollars twenty because he spent the other
two dollars eighty from his fortnightly five-dollar pension on an
ice-cream sandwich.
Old man with a broken vest feels his throat
tickling but he keeps licking. The ice-cream sandwich was expired and
has no flavour.
Old man with a broken vest making a bet with
another old man with a broken vest about how many butt hairs he has in
an effort to regain funds.
Old man with a broken vest counting the other one's butt hairs.
Old
man with a broken vest losing the last of his pension money because he
incorrectly predicted the number of butt hairs the other one had.
Old man with a broken vest giving his broken vest to the other old man to pay off his bet.
Old man with two broken vests.
Old man with no vest.
(It is still winter.)
---
That syringe that's been staring at you for months.
---
Being fined (not even arrested) for producing fraudulent bottle-caps. They are mouldy.
---
Minions leggings.
-
The obsessively, pedantically Catholic manager of a cheap pharmacy raises the price of all condoms by £1 every month.
-
After ten years of non-web-based searching, a clean-shaven dolt
finally locates a VHS of Robin Hood: Men In Tights. It immediately gets
chewed up by his ancient dusty VCR.
An ageing game show host
considers how much he could have gotten away with, if only he had gone
to that party, made the right connections, been somebody. He pours
himself another bitter lemon and looks disdainfully at the hand-drawn
picture of himself getting an MBE that he's stuck on the wall.
A
microwave burrito is recovered from the anus of the corpse. Inside is
one of those Troll toys. DI Higgins has seen it all before.
-
A decaying polish babushka makes her 393,928th carrot and swede mash. As usual, the glue in this recipe is spit.
-
A student spends most of her student loan on nights out that she
doesn't want to go on and doesn't enjoy. A bouncer says "Smile, it might
never happen" as he checks her ID. She buys a vodka and coke, it tastes
odd. She wakes up with zero recollection of the night before, but for
the first time in a long time, she actually feels something. Its the
irritating fabric on her novelty union-jack, arseless burqa.
-
Dane Bowers stands on his best chair just to drop an egg on his nieces gerbil.
-
A ninety-six-year-old woman smiles as she remembers the evening
during which she and her husband wiled away an hour or two by saying the
word 'anathema' in a succession of silly voices as their slow descent
into penury continued unabated. The cardboard box they now share
isn't all that cold.
-
A train-station lift that for some nebulous unknown reason has
acquired its own sentient consciousness, yet can only express it the
form of activating the 'hold' mechanism, thinks wistfully about the one
brief happy moment in its life when a brother and sister made love
inside the warm repository of its recesses in exchange for ten pounds.
It
then holds the door for a Latvian man on his way to Grimsby, who curses
and repeatedly punches the 1st floor button. Annoying people through
the medium of slight delays is its only means of expression.
-
A spotty teenager gets in a fight. One punch to his cheek sends pus flying through the air. The crowd scream. All is lost.
-
A selfie at the Memorial to the Murdered Jews of Europe. #denkmal #nofilter #profound
-
A Sussex man is Friend-zoned by his own wife.
A painfully shy office worker is excluded from the tea round at work because everyone thinks he's an ignorant fuck.
Going into a musky museum and staring solemnly at a picture of jaundiced, sad-eyed coal miners.
-
A twenty five stone man runs properly for the first time in sixteen years. No way is he going to miss the 'speedy boarding' queue.
-
A wife is forced to watch a Monty Python film whilst her husband
provides a running commentary, interspersed with the occasional smug
chuckle.
A Morris dancer is found dead in his shed with a courgette protruding from his heinous anus.
-
A forgotten man's shadow leaves him, choosing to spend its life
providing shadowing duties on the south side of a Wimpey new build near
Bracknell.
-
A gloom-ridden civil servant is lambasted by his wife for getting
Co-op own brand pasta when they sell the Jamie Oliver kind.
-
A man chokes to death in front of his children whilst syphoning petrol from a lawnmower.
Two
geriatrics debate online about which frame of the Zapruder footage
shows the first shot. Abuse is hurled, threats are made. It is Christmas
Morning.
A distress signal from another planet is unheard for centuries.
-
A rheummy eyed pensioner loses the last vestiges of his pride when
he soils himself in a chip shop. He gives up and is dead within
the week.
A prolapse enthusiast tries desperately to 'shove it
all back in'. Despite his best efforts a metre or so of colon
remains 'airside', like a painful tail.
A two week honeymoon in Blackpool
-
A 3 hour honeymoon in Blackburn.
-
A young teenager closely related to Martin Luther King asks his parents why there's no White History Month.
-
A man sits alone in a pub at noon whilst Sky Sports News on mute repeats itself for fourth time.
A
man walks into a public toilet cubicle and is greeted by shit that is
smeared on either side of the toilet bowl. To avoid the possibility of
accusation, he erases the shit through the careful trajectory of his
piss.
-
A lonely nobody unashamedly carries his newly-bought "Vibrating
Cyberskin Doggy Style Pet Pussy & Ass" on the London Underground,
getting aroused already at the prospect of the night ahead. After a
microwave meal and a bath, he's ready.
Halfway through his plastic arse shagging he accidentally makes eye contact with himself in the mirror.
Two minutes later, half dressed and sobbing, he's on the phone to his mother - it's been sixteen years.
-
Two
minutes later, half dressed and sobbing, he's on the phone to his
mother - it's been sixteen years, still continuing to pound the Chinese
made moulded plastic arse.
-
The Beige Man lies next to his wife on his newly bought water bed.
He thinks to himself "how did I do it? I am, after all, the Beige man"
"A home...a wife!...a water bed!!!"
"They
said I was too bland to find a woman, too attached to mother's purse
strings to move into my own home, too unadventurous to buy a water-bed.
Ha! I did it! I am the Golden Man Now!"
His 20 stone wife slaps
him silly with a giant paw of a hand "BRING ME CHEETOS...BRING ME
CHEETOS!!" she screams as water seeps uncontrollably through a yet
unnoticed hole in its lining. Chinese x-factor blares out from the tiny
panasonic tv in the corner.
Beige Man grins to himself "I am the Golden Man Now!"
-
The
Beige Man lies next to his wife on his newly bought water bed. He
thinks to himself "how did I do it? I am, after all, the Beige man"
"A home...a wife!...a water bed!!!"
Once in a lifetime.... waterbed flowing underground....
-
It was during a time of hardship that Paul decided to phone the Red
Cross. He requested that the £50 he donated during the Haiti crisis was
given during a time of abundance and that he desperately needed the
funds back into his account for rent. The phone operator apologised and
replied that there was no such procedure for this sort of inquiry.
-
A starving and maltreated Yorkshire terrier with ringworm throws itself down a well.
Svën,
a talented Swedish carpenter builds himself a beautifully crafted
gallows out of cedar after his wife drags him round Ikea for the 76th
time in a year. It works perfectly.
A spoken word night on a
drizzly Tuesday evening in the upstairs room of a South London arts
venue, Phillip's mum is the only person in the "audience" she claps
enthusiastically when he finishes his 15 minute monologue. The barmaid
yawns and looks at her twitter feed.
A beetle grub decides it doesn't like rotten wood and starves to death.
-
Found on the window sill of a Brewers Farye pub on a grey October day.
(http://i.imgur.com/DknmWds.jpg)
-
Stag do revelers enjoy a rousing game of laser quest.
-
The winner of an Iain Duncan Smith lookalike contest who only
entered ironically is told by several people that he writes like him
too.
-
Three males share the same experience - the first contact of their
day being stood next to two men grimly pissing in a dilapidated public
toilet.
-
Everything about this story is a good fit for this thread:
http://www.nytimes.com/2015/10/25/magazine/the-strange-case-of-anna-stubblefield.html
-
A naked, massive man shifts around on an inflatable lilo, trying to
find the position that will enable him to wipe his arse. It's no
good. His short arms simply cannot reach around his pasty white mounds.
He may as well be a T-Rex. As he lays face down sobbing, his sticky
crack itching something terrible, he formulates a solution that involves
wrapping a flushable wipe around the handle of a long wooden spoon.
A man who's sole source of income was from being a Jimmy Savile impersonator awakens from a 5-year coma.
Songs of Praise while eating tinned pears.
-
A 40 something janitor places his Nickleback tickets into the
forecourt bin upon seeing the Polish girl clock off for the evening,
arms linked with her lover. He curses himself for refusing the
cancellation insurance.
-
A dementia sufferer throws a cluster of humbugs at a startled beagle.
A deputy call centre supervisor embarks on yet another futile diet.
A blocked urinal, full of fags and pubes at a Britpop Revival Night in Stockport.
-
A divorced woman of 51 yells "Put it there!" and attempts to high
five her young lover after intercourse. She never sees him again.
-
A man in purple crocs plays scratch n sniff with his own arse.
A Halloween turnip on the windowsill of a 26th floor flat.
A Holocaust Denier forgets to put the bins out.
-
An excema plagued lesbian with a Skrillex hairdo is refused a crisis loan.
An unemployed man screams abuse at an elderly poodle before throwing a lukewarm Cuppa Soup in its face.
A Krautrock obsessive spills a pint of dandelion and burdock over the 1972-1976 section of his vinyl collection.
-
A man wakes up every day and checks his ex-girlfriend’s Facebook page to see whether she's moved on.
A man loses his girlfriend 1 month into a 24 month phone contract.
A
man reads the Metro newspaper to see if anyone fancied someone matching
his description after pretending to go to work on a London Midland
train.
-
A physically and mentally healthy man's dreams all come true. He
achieves success in every domain of his life. And then he realises that
it doesn't feel as good as he thought it would. He has been done
everything he can and this is it. This is all life has to offer. He
starts to envy his chronically under-achieving, screw-up brother - "the
lucky bastard, at least he has hope."
-
A
physically and mentally healthy man's dreams all come true. He achieves
success in every domain of his life. And then he realises that it
doesn't feel as good as he thought it would. He has been done everything
he can and this is it. This is all life has to offer. He starts to envy
his chronically under-achieving, screw-up brother - "the lucky bastard,
at least he has hope."
A
physically and mentally unhealthy man's worst nightmares all come true.
He fails in every domain of his life. And then he realises that it
feels even worse than he thought it would. He has done everything he can
and this is it. This is all life has to offer. He starts his envy his
chronically over-achieving, successful brother - "the lucky bastard, at
least he has a beautiful wife and lovely children that adore him,
several cars, the time and finances to take several holidays abroad each
year, a number of interesting and fulfilling hobbies, a job that is
varied and challenging and makes a difference to people's lives but is
not too stressful, the respect of his peers and community, parents that
are proud instead of ashamed of him, perfectly functioning foreskin and
penis and testicles, a wide social circle consisting of both treasured
close friends and a large number of influential acquaintances, several
exquisite tailored suits, a yacht, his own personal library, a huge home
in a safe and beautiful neighborhood, a large portfolio of investments
and savings, three books published including a man booker prize
nominated bestselling novel, the ability to speak six languages and play
four instruments, and many other things. And I will never have any of
those things. I have no hope."
-
Escalator maintenance.
-
A squirrel wakes up one morning and realises it suddenly has the
sentience of a human male. It rouses itself, terrified as to this turn
of events. What has caused this? It darts out into Regents Park,
listlessly gathering nuts as it believes its kind are wont to do, so as
not to attract suspicion. Its mind is screaming with inner turmoil. Why
do I have these thoughts? What is this new understanding? It sees humans
out walking. 'I am like you', it thinks, 'yet you do not realise'. On a
park bench it listens intently to a young man on his phone discussing
his disappointment with the terrible second series of 'True Detective'
and inexplicably understands everything. It attempts a vigorous nod
towards the young man as he emphasises the miscasting of Vince Vaughn
but is shooed away. It is vermin to these people. It now has the means
to understand this. Its heart is broken.
The next
day it is hunched by the river, nibbling joylessly at a conker and
trying to imagine the conker is a rib eye steak. Two attractive women
walk by and bend their knees so they are at eye level with the squirrel.
They coo at it and the squirrel sees it holds some attraction for them.
It darts over. One of the women is truly beautiful. She looks at the
squirrel and mock-swoons. She says to her friend "Squirrels...they're
basically sexy rats, aren't they?"
The squirrel realises it has an erection. The women are disgusted and stamp it to death.
-
The squirrel realises it has an erection. The women are disgusted and stamp it to death.
The squirrel had large testicles, and one of the women was Blue Jam.
-
Tony Macaroni chokes to death on a polony.
-
A pigeon wonders why
-
A pigeon wonders why
Been done.
(http://primer.a.ltrbxd.com/resized/film-poster/8/8/5/0/6/88506-a-pigeon-sat-on-a-branch-reflecting-on-existence-0-230-0-345-crop.jpg?k=251ec2cc41)
-
Ugh, I saw a trailer for that. Grave.
-
A tramp bathes in the River Dee in Chester. He comes out dirtier than he was before.
On
his fifty-fourth birthday, Desmond treats himself to a ready-made roast
turkey dinner from the reduced section in Tesco. "This is right fancy,"
he says to himself as he realises the meal expired the day before. He
licks the gravy from the bottom of the tray.
-
A young curmudgeon stays indoors doing sod all on halloween night,
silently berating everyone who is taking it seriously enough to go to a
party.
Even more silently, at the back of his head, he wishes he was going to one.
-
The village dog shagger asserts his dominance in the graveyard.
A drowned blowfly in the urinal of a broken portaloo.
The Guinness shits.
A Malcolm Muggeridge lookalike wins his next, and probably last, meal on the tuppenny waterfalls by the side of a remote A road.
Nepotism in child porn.
Sorry for the last one.
-
A red poppy trampled into the piss and grime of the floor of a Wetherspoons toilet in Doncaster.
-
A red poppy trampled into the piss and grime of the floor of a Wetherspoons toilet in Doncaster.
DING DING DING!
We have a winner. CLOSE THREAD.
-
A toddler with a tube through her nostrils wins fuck-all in a game of pass the parcel.
Geoff spends a rare day off fapping himself into new dimensions.
Dermot Murnaghan pulls a duff cracker on Christmas Day, but fails to see the funny side.
-
A previously teetotal Marks and Spencer employee drinks themself to
death in a single evening because no amount of alcohol can drown out the
sound of voices saying 'HAVE YOU SCANNED YOUR SPARKS CARD?'.
-
A family living room screams black silence following dad's suggestion that they make a One Show diorama.
-
http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/blogs-trending-34722724
Desolate bucket-list.
-
The year is 2366. The last ever cognitive awareness of Dane Bowers,
gleaned from an accidental Wikipedia visit, dies after a routine
carbuncle operation goes tragically wrong.
-
An excuse of a man completes a Take A Break wordsearch to the soundtrack of 'that fucking bitch'.
A well placed chip shop sells 400 battered sausages in under 8 hours.
Keith Floyd calls pays good money to throw a grenade at an unsuspecting waterbuffalo.
-
A Mark Addy lookalike mimes to Kaiser Chiefs in front of a greasy mirror with the big light on.
A man with patchy hair goes to a nightclub and realizes his day will never come.
A bigot dies in boring circumstances.
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A poorly groomed obese man eats his massive friday night meal alone at Taco Bell. Almost like looking in a mirror.
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Alexander Armstrong: A year of songs
Fucking hell has anyone seen the advert?
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Having arranged a bar job overseas, Dave spends his last hundred
quid on a Ryanair flight and a set of Linguaphone tapes. Newly confident
in Spanish, he finally arrives at the bar job. After introducing
himself and speaking amicably and fluently in Spanish, Dave realises
that the bar is full of stares of incomprehension. "Fucking Portuguese,"
he mutters as he storms out of the bar.
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Alexander Armstrong: A year of songs
Fucking hell has anyone seen the advert?
Fuck
Yes! At first I checked my telly guide, because I assumed it was a
sketch show I had stumbled on. Then it mentioned his name, and I thought
he was being a good sport and poking fun at himself on a preview for
Children In Need. But no, it appears this aural equivalent of dog shit
appears to be a genuine Long Player . I swear if I ever see a
fucking copy of this in somecunt's house, I'll head butt the bastard
before helping myself to their fucking pension money.
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For the fifth time this week, a hollow old cunt with Alzheimer's rediscovers what a hollow old cunt he is.
A
dark red skidmark in his Y-fronts spells trouble ahead for Desmond.
Driving them back from the specialist, his wife spends the insurance
money in her head.
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A rugby player on his deathbed realises that the only thing he'll be
remembered for when he's gone is the night he shat into a pint glass
after winning a sunday league match.
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As he discovers his chronically depressed internet-bought Thai bride
has attempted suicide Gerald's first thought is whether or not he'll be
able to successfully secure a refund via the sites customer service
page.