| 1. | I'm not saying people are complaining yet, incidentally |
A neo-nazi laughs at a joke made by Lenny Henry on Comic Relief and then catches himself in the mirror, his smile dropping slowly.Lenny Henry falls victim to a sustained and racially motivated assault. The news reader explains that his giblets are scrambled and he will never work again. Laughing, a neo-nazi makes a point of catching himself in the mirror.
A glum woman gets her right tit out.
A technophobic 18 year old's bag bursts open to reveal the contents of his latest shopping trip to the local 6th form girls. They laugh as he desperately tries to hide the Fleshlight and copy of "Lactating Pregnant Milkmaids" purchased at a seedy Private Shop from them.
http://m.lincolnshireecho.co.uk/Gary-Barlow-cancels-Lincoln-light-switch-gig-poor/story-28205587-detail/story.html
Another Gary Barlow tribute act, Pure Barlow, will take Dan's place.
The rest of the planned festivities, including the switching on of the rest of the city's lights, are still set to take place from 5.30pm in Lincoln.
Vicki Michelle, who starred in 'Allo 'Allo and last year's 'I'm a Celebrity Get Me Out of Here' will carry out the honour during the switch-on in Lincoln's High Street. Joining her will be magician Martin Daniels.
The winner of the Mayor of Lincoln's Christmas card competition will also appear onstage at the War Memorial in High Street.
Another Gary Barlow tribute act, Pure Barlow, will take Dan's place.
A man searches the internet for Gary Barlow tribute actsAnd wanks over what he finds.
A man with learning difficulties is found after three days, dehydrated and starving with his arm trapped in a vending machine in a rarely used corridor of an ageing and decrepit cinema.
A single Drifter bar lies just outside his grasp.
Sienna Miller's personal assistant attempts to lick her own clit in the disabled toilet of the dirtiest, most decrepit asda in all of Yorkshire. Her depression upon failing causes her to forget what her bitch of a boss actually sent her out to buy in the first place, so she grabs a bottle of smartprice gin, some medicated toilet tissue, a fray bentos 'fiery' chicken curry pie and hopes for the best.
A 48 year old man finally pisses out the piece of tissue he stuffed down his urethra at the age of 11.
Derek Acorah, 65, steals his step-daughter's underwear and blames it on ghosts.
Socially inept office worker accidentally clicks on porn whilst procrastinating at work. He genuinely didn't mean to.
Too late, though.
The class register is taken on the first day of primary school.
Fred West
Is a Fred West here
Which one of you is Fred West
An Ice Cream van plays Green Sleeves in the street outside. Now.
| 1. | this is actually true |
"I can't make it to the Christmas do. I'm learning to code," says MoonDust. The seventh day in a row.
Geoff decorates the desk with shite Poundland fairy lights. Margaret's got thrush again. Keith wonders what it's like to kiss a girl. Susan has got fresh tarmac on her cardigan again.
Just another day a The Samaritans Call Centre.
| 1. | feels like an addition to the thread in itself |
August 6th, 1945. Yuki looks up at the Hiroshima sky, just in time for a seagull to shit right in his mouth. Could this day GET any worse?
A challenged dwarf grazes her knee after a playground fall.
Her peer bends over:HAHA
GAYYYYY
A man sitting right by the door of a coach toilet listens to the assorted sputterings and groans of a dozen defecators over the duration of a 6 hour traffic jam.He never gets a chance to offload his own guts thanks to his corpulent frame giving him ultimate inertia
A man sitting right by the door of a coach toilet listens to the assorted sputterings and groans of a dozen defecators over the duration of a 6 hour traffic jam.
Baby Derek would've been 56 today.
"You'd better come and see this, Sarge.."
| 1. | This is true. |
| 2. | I made this one up. |
Ivan starts to now wish WWIII will break out, just to get him out of his everyday drab of a life.
He tutted and huffed with disappointment when Russia didn't retaliate by firing upon Turkey when that fighter jet was shot down, for example.
And the conflict in Ukraine becoming de-escalated and "boring"? Don't get him started.
A teenage boy is being driven by his parents in the car through Rhuddlan on a cold day, he sees an old pensioner sitting on a bench by the road who looks like he's asleep, on being driven back through the same location a few hours later he sees the same pensioner in exactly the same position and assumes he's dead and laughs.
Ugh.
A meal for one, for two.
"To err is human... to forgive is divine," said another user in reply to Mr Harvey's apology.
In an incident apparently unconnected to the competition, at least one person was killed and dozens injured after a car ploughed into a crowd next to the Miss Universe venue.
Darren fingers his future mother in law in the disabled toilets at an East 17 concert.
A real one that many of a certain age will be able to relate to:
An 8 year old forgets his shorts and is forced to do PE in his purple Y fronts with blue piping, they look smashing with his grey socks and black plimsolls.
A man plays table football on his own
this is actually happening right now behind my left shoulder...
...what the fuck is he actually doing
A rat eats some sick in a North East railway station.
| 1. | unlicensed German is a lot funnier |
Toadfish emulator hangs himself.
Tommy doesn't bother flushing the toilet anymore, he couldn't give a bloody fuck.
A phone rings out in the still Yorkshire night. They did all they could for her.
A first date in Westerham Costa coffee
A destitute man is offered £0.03 trade in for Encarta '97 on CD Rom and Sash! - It's My Life at Computer Exchange, or £0.02 in cash.
A poo on a ruler
The front end of a pantomime cow follows through on stage during a poorly attended final January performance of Jack in the Beanstalk at Louth theatre.
What does Dwain think of all this?
Not arsed, mate, cigs.
'It's what's inside that counts,' says the mural on Denise's wall. 'Aye, fucking right' she mutters, reaching for that oh-so familiar middle drawer.
Trevor spent seven years in art school. He puts cgi steam on pizza adverts now.
To be fair, that's a remarkably good outcome from spending 7 years in art school. Piss-easy and not a badly-paid job at all. After all, he could've been the one cooking these steamless pizzas for next-to-nothing.
A Parson falls into a moat.
Imagine the lovechild of THAT.
A Parson falls into a moat.
An infant in a flimsy pram struggles for breath amidst the diesel fumes of a 1970s bus station.
A married man accidentally Chromecasts a Prolapse Party video onto The Big Telly in the other room where his wife, daughter and mother in law are sitting.
A married man accidentally Chromecasts a Prolapse Party video onto The Big Telly in the other room where his wife, daughter and mother in law are sitting.
The screams alert him to his faux pass.
Ha ha, I put on a movie for my parents using Chromecast over Christmas then a bit later was sat in the bath with the tablet on a bath rack twatting about on webpages then realised it was still casting.. thank fuck it was only this place and a few news sites I was looking at, I got out and nary a word was mentioned so not sure if they saw anything or changed channel by that point..
A Peadophile vomits into an NSPCC charity bag on a North Sea Ferry.
In the wake of David Bowie's demise a Morrissey fan works himself into a frenzy of tears, snotters and self loathing at the thought of Mozza dying.
A balding travel agent has Dalepak Minted Lamb Grills for dinner every Tuesday for 11 years straight. A spell in an oncology ward breaks the cycle.
On her 19th anniversary a sallow wife makes an effort. While doing her make up she hears her husband call her 'a fucking waste of teeth'.
Ken tries to impress on the 4th date, makes frogs legs coz they're all french and classy like. His date almost chokes to death on them, Ken proceeds to perform the heimlich maneuver but the sudden abdominal thrusting causes him to come in his pants as the bone of a frogs leg is expelled across the room. There isn't a 5th date.
A 34-year old father of three browses through Facebook posts by 'The LAD Bible' and 'UniLAD' and can relate to every one of them.
An notorious ladies man wakes up to his own, entirely detached penis resting on a tressle table.
A bag lady spits on her sleeve to rub away the ice that has formed inside her window, but the congealed grease just decreases her visibility even further.
A brown Christmas tree leans against a garage where a young dad committed suicide in 2011.
*Real life desolation*
In the wake of David Bowie's demise a Morrissey fan works himself into a frenzy of tears, snotters and self loathing at the thought of Mozza dying.
On her 19th anniversary a sallow wife makes an effort. While doing her make up she hears her husband call her 'a fucking waste of teeth'.
A intellectual young woman moves to Cardiff. Her drug ravaged body is discovered behind the Poundland bins exactly a year later. Her only possession is a signed photo of James Corden.
Grammar desolation that punched me right in the soul of my stomach.Ninja edit.
Its this bloody phone, honest.
Ninja edit.
Its this bloody phone, honest.
Stuck in Exeter Premier Inn, blocked watching film on dubious proxy sites, so what good horror is available on youtube please
And now, UB40.
Rummaging through your drawers, finding your ex's old knickers, to put in the bin.
A large portion of chips secures a blowjob from a teenage runaway.
http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-wales-south-east-wales-35428236
Rev Lionel Fanthorpe said the incident left mourners "desperately upset" and Cardiff council has apologised to the family for the "inappropriate content".
http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-wales-south-east-wales-35428236
(Possibly NSFW. Certainly NSFF, any way)
"We are trying to establish if the new screen - which is a smart television - could have accepted or picked up a broadcast by accident via blue tooth or across a wi-fi network," said the spokesman.
Shy Gavin opens his laptop in a quiet lecture theatre. Porn sounds fill the room.
A dirty grey blanket is used to conceal a crime.
| 1. | they might not have actually died |
A bin on top of a supermarket.
That ship has sailed, mate.
A loser tries to join in on a running theme in a 'Desolation' thread and fails.
A supermarket for bins.
A bin wanking a supermarkethttp://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-england-wiltshire-35484085
Today's real life winner
(Funny one not one about someone sawing into his grandads head for his youtube mates)
Stefan still uses Windows 95.
Another real life one.
http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-wales-south-east-wales-35490011
Darren Bray, 29, of Barry, Vale of Glamorgan, blacked out as he ate the 99p burger
Mr Bray said "watch this" to his friends as he squashed the burger in half and put it in his mouth.
In the name of all that is holy, DO NOT move to Bridgwater.
I was unfortunate enough to go to school there, and my parents still live about 10 miles away out in the country. I have known that town for over 25 years now.
It is by far the biggest shithole I have ever known in England, and here are some of the reasons why:
- It is the inbreeding capital of the UK.
- Doctors nationwide have a saying they use - 'NFB', which stands for 'Normal For Bridgwater'
- The highlight of the year is carnival. It is good, once. After that it's shit forever because it's pretty much the same every year.
- Aside from carnival week, there is nothing to do in town. Nothing. People go to the same 3/4 pubs every single weekend religiously.
- There are shitloads of pubs for such a small town, but not a single one that you would ever want to go in voluntarily. Rough and hostile is pretty accurate. I have seen people bottled or smashed over the head with bar stools etc plenty of times in Bridgwater.
- The nearest decent night out, or concerts, or even mediocre sports venues are an hours drive away
- The town centre is unbearably bad. Not a single decent shop - either chains or independents. There is still an amusement arcade for God's sake.
- There is one decent restaurant. One. It's not even 'good', it's just decent.
- The women are atrocious. The men are just as bad. The children are even worse.
- It is a town of zero aspiration or ambition. It is genuinely depressing going back there.
- Levels of racism and xenophobia are crazy there. There is such little racial diversity, and the town is so insular that it just breeds insecurity and ignorance in that respect. I've seen/heard some crazy stuff there in that sense - particularly when people are pissed.
I have a mate from Bridgwater - he was raised as one of a family of 6 kids, from 4 different fathers. He was brought up by one bloke for the first 5 years of his life, whom he always thought of as his biological father. From the age of 5 until 18, he was raised by his step-dad, who then left his mum. At the age of 20, his mum confessed that some other bloke was actually his biological father.
His story is messed up, but is honestly not unusual for Bridgwater.
The town has such a disproportionate amount of unskilled, low pay or manual work that those whole social and economic elements of the town are just totally skewed. There is precious little in terms of professional or skilled employment, and as such the town stays in a real slump.
To be fair, I have waxed lyrical about Bridgwater many, many times because it is the gift that keeps on giving. To see someone voluntarily considering moving there though makes my bones itch. They needed to know what it is like.
That rant could have been much, much longer. I went to bed last night thinking about some of the knuckle-dragging examples I've seen and heard in that town over many years.
Some of the others include -
- Seeing a teenage girl with a crying baby in a pushchair in a pub at 2pm on a Wednesday. She was pushing the baby back and forth with one hand to try and get it to stop crying, whilst also holding a blue WKD in the same hand. She was using her other hand to feed and play the fruit machine, and remained in that position for over 30 minutes.
- The River Parrett that runs through Bridgwater is almost a museum of shit, mud, shopping trollies and needles
- I remember seeing some graffiti in the town centre once that simply read "YOU ARE A FUCKING COUNT"
- Another old mate from the area has a dad who is a typical Bridgy boy - I remember walking through town with him once and we bumped into his dad, who was wheeling his bike through town with a load of old paint rags. In the course of the conversation he said "here boy, has your mum got Sky"?
Mate replies "No".
His dad says "does she want it"? He then whips back some of the painting rags on his bike to reveal a full Sky satellite dish that had clearly been crudely removed from some poor bastard's exterior wall.
- The same mate's dad once did a paint job in a brothel and accepted 'payment in kind' from the staff there.
- Bridgwater used to have a massive cellophane factory that employed a good proportion of the town. It absolutely stank though, and you could smell Bridgwater for miles around.
- In Bridgwater, it is still a common sight to see people wearing Adidas poppers.
Again, the list could go on a long, long time.
'Do you know what? I really fancy listening to Be Here Now'
An OCD sufferer spends the duration of his brother's funeral service trying to locate a grain of sand in his sock.
He tapes the steak to his leg under his uniform before leaving a 12 hour shift. He doesn't even want to eat it. Just wanted to feel something, anything.
A doctor removes a piece of stinking gauze packing accidently left in a man's rectum after pile surgery.
Later, he scoffs down two jumbo hobbit burgers and heads to the Weatheredspoons to drown his sorrows.
When you're alone and life is making you lonely you can always go
Huddersfield
| 1. | hat tip to naff things you like thread |
An exhausted middle-aged father smears a bead of coconut oil onto his anus, wriggles into the foetal position, and sprays a research chemical analogue of ritalin dissolved into infant calpol all over the walls of his digestive tract with a toddler's oral syringe.Christ,thats horrifically specific...
He won't realise it until he's well on the way to Little Pumpkins playgroup, but due to a mislabelling incident in a Crawley industrial estate, a terrifyingly potent, long-lasting, and in massive overdoses - such as this one - eventually agonisingly fatal hallucinogen is now permeating across the mucous membranes of his rectum.
It's still the least stressful day he's had in a long time.
The scene: Gretna Green car park.
Leeds, United Kingdom: 8-Year-Old Girl Sexually Assaulted in Greggs Bakery, Police Say
Also,
a presumably British man uses the term phone "booth" whilst making a post in a desolate thread on an obscure comedy forum.
Another man feels vaguely perturbed by this, perturbed enough to make a post about it.
Going to a house party and befriending a cat instead of people.
| 1. | (unless the first one turns out to be a seriously fucked up flounce/hoax) |
| 2. | me |
An author is stranded in PoundBakery
"She's pretty. Maybe she'll think I'm alright too! Just act yourself. Be calm." Roy thinks to himself as he approaches the check-out girl.
A git takes out the aggression against his wife on his neighbour's recycling bin.He wasn't a paedophile. But that was before those kids made him wrestle a rotty.
A group of kids make widowed Paedo Pete wrestle a rottweiler. He's not a paedo.
A twat head-butts a Ladbrokes.
| 1. | "Despondency Corner, with Alabaster Turquoise" |
I'd just like you all to know that my posts in this thread have become a regular segment[1] on my podcast that maybe two people have listened to.
I guess that also counts as an entry for this thread.
1. "Despondency Corner, with Alabaster Turquoise"
It's the warmest day of the year. Lithe young things stroll about in the golden glow, white teeth and large guffaws. Life is good.
Brian snuggles that little bit deeper into his dank, mouldy blanket.
A homeless man is followed around by a poltergeist.
A sparrow loses a council election by 221 votes.
No-one goes to Franks's retirement do.Not even Frank.
An about-to-masturbate Cleethorpes man and an egg-stained shut in from Falkirk trade vulgar insults at 3am on a Model Railway Forum.
Meanwhile, back in real life..
http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-wales-south-east-wales-36264243
| 1. | the cheese, not the grill | ||
| 2. | I wasn't cooking the burgers[1]
|
A closet lesbian buys a Fleshlight.
A beta provider spends most of his wanking hours looking at spreadsheets about fuck all.
http://m.hulldailymail.co.uk/Hull-CIty-superfan-Ian-Oakey-earned-stripes/story-29295330-detail/story.html
A lonely bald man weeps in his "lad pad". A jar of dead blue bottles his only company.
I walked 13 miles today to Tynemouth through some of the less salubrious areas of East Newcastle. I was uplifted that most of the path was actually part of the Hadrian Way...idyllic wooded areas with wild flowers and songbirds in abundance.
This was all spoiled by the amount of dog shit, lidl plastic bags and paint daubed footpaths that lined the route.
Scum.
http://m.hulldailymail.co.uk/Hull-CIty-superfan-Ian-Oakey-earned-stripes/story-29295330-detail/story.html
A Rhyl woman spends the last pound of her dole trying to win a pack of 20 lamberts wrapped in a fiver from a grab a prize machine on the rain swept promenade.
http://www.dailystar.co.uk/news/latest-news/515112/Adam-Johnson-Stacey-Flounders-hen-party-Dubai-jailed-footballers?utm_source=outbrain&utm_medium=recommendations&utm_term=paid&utm_content=ds-latest-news&utm_campaign=2016&utm_term=1659694
This whole thing is just desolation incarnate
what the hell is this post all about? is this some womens little story because she got cheated on one time, so she is obsessed with writing about ho females are moving on and that haha how sad you want to be you remember your own life yes??????????? concentrate on it more instead of living in fantasy world
A twit builds a crap fort.
A fun size Mars Bar wrapper is used as a condom.Successfully
An old man celebrates his birthday by trying to remove 'that pesky' bird from the Chimney.
He doesn't have a chimney.
Nor is it his birthday.
It finally dawns on Barry as he slips under the anaesthetic for a diabetes related amputation that the lifetime supply of Dalepak steak burgers that he won in a competition as a child is the cause of all this.
A middle-aged Debenhams Manager stares at himself naked in the mirror. He sees his penis for the first time in a week. It looks atrophied through lack of use. He shakes it to make it longer and a piece of lint flies off and falls slowly to the floor.
A weekend caravan holiday to Bury, from their home in Salford.
A sexless Genesis fan is ruthlessly slapped down by his wife after begging for a quick go on her.
Giving his new girlfriend a peck on the cheek at the beginning of their fifth date, Gavin catches the unmistakable whiff of penis on her breath.
A really witty, urbane rapist.
A hardcore PETA activist is locked in a battery hen factory with no means of survival other than the creatures within.
A hardcore PETA activist is locked in a battery hen factory with no means of survival other than the creatures within.
Let it be this woman though (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nYTypaMiQMs) trapped in Mr Farmer bloke's hen factory.
Another dead this year
http://www.chroniclelive.co.uk/news/north-east-news/fond-farewell-north-east-farmers-10821581 (http://www.chroniclelive.co.uk/news/north-east-news/fond-farewell-north-east-farmers-10821581)
FFS, how did you find that? Still, good innings the carniverous old bastard.
I recognised the face from my childhood. I can't place him, but I think he was always on Look North or some other show that was up here. In fact, I might have met the fella, he is so familiar.
a lecturer in agricultural and food marketing at Newcastle University for more than 40 years
A 42 year old Down's Syndrome sufferer wearing a "Blackpool Rocks" t-shirt is sexually assualted underneath the North Pier.
He enjoys it a great deal.
As the penis nestles between his diseased gums he starts humming his favourite tune from Pop Party Slammers '98.
A Coldplay fan buys a shed to house his memorabilia. He calls it A Shed Full of Dreams.
Billed as the event to attend this summer, Fatboy Slim is set to take centre stage on Friday, July 29, in the city and will join indie icons Ocean Colour Scene and North East chart toppers Maximo Park for one of the most eagerly anticipated weekends of live music the region has ever seen in recent times.
A Maximo Park fan minces his way back from a beer tent with a double Malibu.
A cunt hates another cunt.
Beautiful son, hot wife, great job, high salary, stillhatesSHITS himself.
A badly-maintained weather vane creaks on top of a paedophile barn.
It has been three months since the actor Alan Cumming had a phonecall offering new work.
His old agent was the only one who was any good, all attempts to replace him since have proved useless, never the less he cannot allow himself to fund the lifestyle of someone who turned out after all of these years to be such a bigoted racist so he has tried to go it alone and promote himself.
but wait,
the three month wait might be over?
his new work number is finally ringing,
someone must have read the adverts in the trade magazines,
"Hello?, yes this is the actor Alan Cumming, have you got some work for me?.................................................................. No sorry it is not a porn alias, it is my real name, I'm a normal actor, I dont do porn"
The work-wait furthers...........
It has been three months since the actor Alan Cumming had a phonecall offering new work.
His old agent was the only one who was any good, all attempts to replace him since have proved useless, never the less he cannot allow himself to fund the lifestyle of someone who turned out after all of these years to be such a bigoted racist so he has tried to go it alone and promote himself.
but wait,
the three month wait might be over?
his new work number is finally ringing,
someone must have read the adverts in the trade magazines,
"Hello?, yes this is the actor Alan Cumming, have you got some work for me?.................................................................. No sorry it is not a porn alias, it is my real name, I'm a normal actor, I dont do porn"
The work-wait furthers...........
And it'll be back to signing on again next week, along with his mate Brian Cox
A waxwork of Michael Barrymore rots unattended in Christine Guntrip's shed.
(https://metrouk2.files.wordpress.com/2016/07/best-street-style-interview.jpg)
"Oh, Fred's great, he'll talk with anyone, his banter's legendary."
Later that day you see Fred. 'Alright mate?'
Looks right through you.
(https://metrouk2.files.wordpress.com/2016/07/best-street-style-interview.jpg)
Trotsky in leather
The last thing a dying man hears is the Beadle's About theme tune.
A monk becomes a DJ. His tagline is "DJ Monastic, Let's Get Fantastic!"
An old man discovers that he is Jimmy Savile's long lost brother.
A copy of the New Testament dwells amidst a puddle.
A man donates sperm and as he walks out of the clinic overhears the staff laughing and joking about how ugly the children will be if a woman is mental enough to choose his spendings as a fertilizer.
The heat brings out the smells. They are bad smells. Bin smells. Vermin smells. Carcass smells.
He rubs himself in anticipation.
A man sits inside a scotch egg and watches the Harry Hill Movie.
A quadriplegic is wheeled past an installation in the Tate Modern and thinks 'I could have done that'.
An artist walks past a quadriplegic in the Tate Modern and thinks 'I could have done that'
An artist walks past a quadriplegic in the Tate Modern and thinks 'I'd do that.'.
Sharon Tate walks past a modern artist with murderous intent and unsuccessfully requests "Quadriplegic, that'd do"
An abused donkey sanctuary in Palestine is carpet bombed in 1992.
An abused donkey sanctuary in Palestine is carpet bombed in 1992.
1993: A lone donkey washes up on the shores close to Taranto. Barely alive. Days later it is initiated into one of the most violent mafia families in the region.
1993: A lone donkey washes up on the shores close to Tarantino. The sight reminds the aging filmmaker of one of his beloved animal exploitation features. He smiles to himself and walks away.
An incessantly hooting owl drives a man to suicide.
A bald man is humiliated by a time travelling vole.
A man moves into a bedsit opposite his old house. He sees his wife's new boyfriend, naked, staring at him from his son's bedroom window, a sneer-cum-smirk curling his moustachioed upper lip.
The mother of Pym Ayres gets a wasp in her mouth after birthing
A man spends the last £40 of his £26million Lottery Jackpot on a commemorative plate celebrating the marriage of Prince Charles and Camilla.
A bailiff breaks the plate whilst loading the man's belongings onto a lorry. The man sees this and smiles wryly through the tears.
"Things could be worse, I suppose" he whispers under his breath.
He notices the men driving the lorry picking out photos from his family albums for their personal collections.
A vegan runs out of quorn.
A surviving conjoined twin glues himself to a full length mirror.
REBELSPIRIT is a young, dynamic company located in the South of Spain. Made up from a multinational team with expertise in a wide array of fields, ranging from consumer goods, licensing, merchandising, advertising, marketing, and everything in between along with experience in the launch of another very successful energy drink, the REBELSPIRIT team along with Che Guevara have everything it takes to revolutionise the energy drink market.
"I have never watched a Kubrick film and have no desire to do so", says your friend.
Alain de Botton is talking to your wife. He's doing rather well.
Trevor sees a Facebook group that scores the anuses of 1st year freshers at his son's new University. His son's anus is scored 1.5 out of 5.
Trevor sees a Facebook group that scores the anuses of 1st year freshers at his son's new University. His son's anus is scored 1.5 out of 5.
A nightcore remix of Babylon Zoo's Spaceman is uploaded to Youtube.
I'm absolutely devastated, he had so much more life to live, he was going to Vegas next week with his friends.
He swims 4 times a week, always at the end of the day just before the pool closes. He drinks the water as he swims, guzzles it down.
A confused villain brings his mum to a knife fight.
Incessant humming drives a man to wholesale slaughter.
Shitted off their tits on poppers, shit coke and greasy speed Kev and Paul Ross speed down the country lane in their Nissan Leaf after a somber dogging session in a wretched car park.
"love you babes"
"love you too"
They don't make eye contact.
J. R. Hartley lies dead; there is no "Ambulances" section in the Yellow Pages.
| 1. | Richard Herring's podcast is somehow involved and all - don't ask |
BIRMINGHAM
"three lines on a shirt, footballs coming home"Misappropriating a football anthem to praise the branding of Adidas can only mean one thing... a double shift at Sports Direct where you realise you didn't clock in properly...
A lonely 40 something plays the audio files of an online dictionary for comfort. To him they're the only voices that don't sound judgemental, and he loves them for it.
Things take a turn for the worse when it reaches the letter P.
"Portly"
"Prick!"
"Pervert!!"
"PAEDOPHILE!!!!!!!"
Don't take this frommehim. It's allI havehe has left.
Looking for divine inspiration on how to negotiate Brexit, Theresa May frots Thatcher's headstone.
Both surfaces are so rough that the friction makes her polyester knickers begin to melt.
Both surfaces are so rough that the friction makes her polyester knickers begin to melt.
| 1. | sorry |
(http://i.imgur.com/R8LMQgL.jpg?1)
How's all that for one the greedy bitch
(http://i.imgur.com/R8LMQgL.jpg?1)
A Shed Seven fan fingers a labrador.
A Shed Seven fan cry-wanks while listening to The Strokes
A Shed Seven fan sends himself a Christmas card from Shed Seven.
Simon sits in a bath of cold baked beans. Comic Relief was ten days ago.
Kevin treats himself to a massive wank under his bed clothes. Spoiled tissue receptacle in his hand, he tosses back the covers to find his sister standing in the bedroom doorway, ashen-faced. There is a long, heavy silence and a pervasive smell of sperm. "Dad's dead", she says.
Flung from the window of a speeding transit, a half-eaten load of KFC chicken wings robs Stacey, 15, of her sight. She will never now see the face of her unborn son.
Finally, my first Desolation post (having never really checked it out, oddly):
An old man turned 98.
Won the lottery,
And died the next day.
Now isn't that ironic?
Page 32 of Desolation Thread I
A spinster forms an imaginary relationship with a chap called Iain. She regularly summons him by lighting candles. She eventually sets fire to her flat one night and after refusing to be rescued, dies of smoke inhalation. Presumably in the arms of her imaginary boyfriend, who evidently wasn't a fireman.
#reallifedesolation
John Prescott bellows the chorus to Kiss From A Rose during his mid-afternoon shit.
You realize you have 50,000 quid tucked away for a rainy day. So you splash out, treating yourself to a new wardrobe, an Xbox, a 102" 4K telly and a slap up feed!
Then, when you get home the house has burned down, and the doctor is waiting there to give you a diagnosis: it's The AIDS.
A newly-engaged little person gets punted into a canal by pissed-up lads. The nearby slime-covered shopping trolley he grasps proves to be an ineffective flotation device.
A 37 year old incel cracks open his third pot noodle whilst convincing himself that Star Trek's real and everything's going to be ok.
"The internet prankster Jack Jones", Neil writes, in the "what do you want to be when you grow up?" box.
His favourite pub now has a giant Ukip poster in the upper window. Still goes in.
Having seen the news about Kim Kardashian and formulating a plan, a man dressed as a PCSO robs Kerry Katona and makes his escape with a handbag containing a packet of pork scratchings, half a pound of lean mince and a Goblin Meat & Gravy Pudding.
A middle aged obsessive spends 14 hours Photoshopping his LinkedIn profile picture.
Fuck, he's started up Hallelujah again.
| 1. | Hello disappointed visitors |
A self-penned novel discovered hidden in a teen suicide's sock drawer turns out to be unmitigated shit.
There's been some proper bangers in this thread recently, but that one is fucking ace.
The Yates' barmaid hands dosser Mark his change. In his head they're already living in the Cotswolds with a family band.
Another meeting, more bar charts. The haddock smell haunting the room is you.
On a grey, overcast Thursday, a pointless nobody has an empty afternoon inside a bleak bungalow on the outskirts of a northern seaside resort.
Severe gout forces a middle aged virgin to request help from his mother to wipe his arse.
| 1. | Hell of a missed opportunity to quote Shoulders, there. I refuse to fix it. Desolation. |
Sunday afternoon 'look through the exes Facebook pictures and think what might've been'. A weekly ritual.
It's been 6 years, time for her to get through several relationships and start a family. Still he thinks of her.
More than ten years, actually. Otherwise you're on the money.
Ex-girlfriend's starring in a pornfilm, he watches it anyway. She never screamed like that for me, he thinks, as his erection slowly rises.
Moving on:From this
A chicken nugget bounces off the back of a bullied child's head in the school canteen.
riga mortis
(http://i64.tinypic.com/aynce0.jpg)
You die in an air crash. The owners of the airline work out your life's worth as to compensate your families loss and grief. They get a free bowl of soup.
... "cup a soup"
Made up with water from the cold tap, and cradled in the insurance assessor's groin for half an hour to warm it up a little.
a-and they have to give the bowl back when they've finished,
clean, or there will be a surcharge to pay.
they had to provide their own spoons.
which broke in their mouths.
A talking books version of Desolation Part I and II is released in time for Christmas. Voiced by Alan Bennett.
WH Smith and Amazon refuse to stock it.
A talking books version of Desolation Part I and II is released in time for Christmas. Voiced by Alan Bennett.
WH Smith and Amazon refuse to stock it.
A divorced underwriter has a seizure in the middle of his favourite pudding.
A wheelchair bound 'killer clown' watches smartphone footage of his victims screaming and running away as he chases them around a park with an electric carving knife. His joy quickly evaporates when it becomes clear they're all faking it.
Stewart Lee obsessive, Ralph, lingers in the Morrisons crisps aisle for 25 minutes. He can't decide.
An unimaginative would be prankster gets his mate to film him dressed up as an axe wielding clown chasing after terrified school children. It's only after the footage has been uploaded on YouTube that he realises how obvious his erection is.
Father Blaine feels a moments anger when a particularly loud sob from the confessional distracts him from achieving a new high score on Candy Crush
The original Hamble is purchased from eBay by one of Britains most heinous sex pests
He's upset when it arrives in a jar full of a familiar looking viscous fluid.
Kettering's biannual Geoffrey vs Jeffrey contest is cancelled due to gout.
Mrs Wendle has agreed to provide a black forest gateau.
It's replaced by a cockfight and barn dance. Mrs Wendle has agreed to provide a black forest gateau.
You wake from a restless sleep. It is 2:00AM.
Life is shite, generally.
Try it at 4:00AM.
We've only just switched the central heating back on, and it's already blown out.
And it's pissing it down.
"We'd like you to come in for a second interview."
I guess that he paid. I was busy looking through my rucksack for my wallet, which was lost among the half sack of red onions I bought.
Desolate day. Also saw a man with the ferrety face of an ancient Gareth Keenan celebrate his successful alighting from a street shuttle by gobbing an amount of brown flob onto the floor.
Then I attended a job seminar in the back room of a shit golf clubhouse and was informed I'd have to go to Bedford for a training day, comprising a brutal series of psychological and puzzle-solving tests in order to land the job of part time hotel night porter.
I guess that he paid. I was busy looking through my rucksack for my wallet, which was lost among the half sack of red onions I bought.
Desolate day. Also saw a man with the ferrety face of an ancient Gareth Keenan celebrate his successful alighting from a street shuttle by gobbing an amount of brown flob onto the floor.
Then I attended a job seminar in the back room of a shit golf clubhouse and was informed I'd have to go to Bedford for a training day, comprising a brutal series of psychological and puzzle-solving tests in order to land the job of part time hotel night porter.
The council originally said the call centre worker-turned-singer withdrew due to "unforeseen circumstances", prompting the Kaiser Chiefs to step in to play to thousands of people who gathered in Albert Square to greet the Olympic heroes.
Oscar is compelled to eat a terrapin, tail end first.
A crumple-faced priest with fag ash on his shoulder can't remember the last time he prayed and meant it.
Glebe is still awake.
Clinton wins the election. Rich get richer, poor get poorer. Mexico annexed. WWIII starts.
"Swap you a bag of marbles and this dead, dried out bat for that porno mag?"
"Done."
"Swap your collection of Gary Glitter selfies for that Saville exercise bike seat"
Am keeping the ball bearing though and the one that looks like a cats eye.
In which case I'm keeping the section on Estonian diplomats' wives licking the bloodied high heels of hamster crushing Jimmy Choos.
man of 41 at a Belle and Sebastian gig
A homeless woman uses a cracked frisbee to scrape her day's nutrients from a pond.
A public school boy farts on a banned breed of a dog.
Clive the rapist draws a rape map of the district with colour-coded annotations. He leaves it on the bus where it inspires a tentative rapist to get his act together.
A gerontophile Sellotapes himself to the ceiling of a care home and wanks into the open mouths of snoring husks. He's the duty manager.
Sharon cancels Christmas to punish her 4 year old for a misdemeanour she hallucinated on crack. When she comes downstairs and sees a bare tree she gets mummy's pipe and goes back to bed hungry again. She dies of malnutrition two days before nursery school starts again. On her peg is a carrier bag with rounds of toast filched and stashed from breakfast club. She'd forgotten to take it home with her and now the butter has dried into a pallid veneer.
Terry doesn't wipe again, there's no point is there.
Hey everyone... imagine a desolation/euphoria face off? It'd be like WimbleWrong but with words. 50 words max a shot, three shots per match, then votes to decide who is the most desolate/euphoric and who is the lightweight who still holds some fragment of human kindness in their hearts?
It'd be great.
It'd also be an arse to organize, so... eh... as you were.
Busby Clactomane, village paedophile since 1962, treats himself to a once-a-decade groping. His noncing vocabulary more reminiscent of the music hall, euphemistic references to 'me unmentionables!' add a further layer of unpleasantness for his broken victim.
Y'see. Hubris, pure hubris.
Back to the desolating board.
I could write this shit all day.
An autist overlaps the Zapruder footage with a plethora of comedy sound effects.
Busby Clactomane, village paedophile since 1962, treats himself to a once-a-decade groping. His noncing vocabulary more reminiscent of the music hall, euphemistic references to 'me unmentionables!' add a further layer of unpleasantness for his broken victim.
lollipop sticks and glitterballs
Friday 28th October, 2016: Derbyshire Times
Man's body found in tragic Eyam webcam accident
A man's body was found in a bungalow in central Eyam this morning after neighbours spotted the flickering of a faulty laptop screen flashing throughout the night. Police broke into the home and discovered 42 year old Thom Tinker ensnared in several electrical cables. A detective at the scene has suggested the death was the result of a tragic accident in which Mr. Tinker was electrocuted whilst setting up a state-of-the-art video camera.
The detective also found several dozen broken broom handles scattered around the house and have speculated that the identity of the "Derby broom-snapper" may now be, finally, revealed.
Giles lies on a lumpy sofa and watches the power icon on his mobile phone drop from 100% to 8% over the course of a day. He then plugs in the charger and watches the icon raise back up to 100%. This cycle repeats, uninterrupted for longer than you'd think.
if you had used the name Derek instead of Giles I would have claimed you had psychic powers.
Derek has a lumpy sofa.
A morbidly obese ice cream van owner stabs a Capri Sun straw into a pouch of Steak Diane sauce and drinks it casually while watching some club-footed pigeons fuck.
| 1. | (http://2.bp.blogspot.com/--6Ay3Y9vmtw/T0TjG0cJttI/AAAAAAAAFcQ/stjyURlAsj8/s1600/01-front-cover.jpg) |
On Friday night I was out in Newcastle, rather fucked, with friends and we came across one of these dreadful 'snowdogs':
(http://www.newcastlegateshead.com/dbimgs/images/snowdogs%20on%20the%20quayside(1).jpg_tmp_700x361.jpg)
There are sixty odd of these cunts all over the town, generally getting in everybody's way, trying to distract them from the much more important business of concentrating on how desperately miserable and shit their lives are. They are clearly intended to be great family-friendly fun and consequently have these horrible I-love-you faces. Worse than this, they have been given the status of an art installation.
Eventually, they will be sold off at auction to St Oswalds hospice, which provides end-of-life care to children amongst other things. But I don't care because I hate them.
Anyway, I desecrated the strawberry one by riding on it and then some guy came up and pointed out there are also dinosaur versions all over Liverpool. While he tried to get the pictures on his phone my friend and I noticed the artist Simon Tozer's statement about the fact he wanted them to be recognisable from a distance and that making it look like fruit was a great idea. Given how infantile the description was, I surmised that the artist was probably a five year old in the St Oswalds hospice. My friend decided it was more likely that he was trapped inside the snowdog, and then I said (with increasing hysteria, arms flapping all over the place) that: No, look, clearly this healthcare that they're providing is extremely expensive and there are a lot of child deaths. In fact, it's so expensive they can't afford to cremate the bodies so they've just filled up all these fibreglass dogs with the bodies of children, ten or so stuffed down each leg, and scattered them all over the city in the hope that no-one will think to open them up.
During this outburst, my friends were trying to stop me from talking but I had gone berserk and couldn't be communicated with. The guy who had stopped to show us the photos was just … horrified. I had been describing with great glee the idea that there had been a child holocaust and they'd made these cutsie mass graves out of the bodies. I am pretty sure I ruined his night. I don't think he'd ever had such appalling thoughts in his head.
And that is what this thread has done to my sense of humour.
New page desolation.
On Friday night I was out in Newcastle, rather fucked, with friends and we came across one of these dreadful 'snowdogs':
(http://www.newcastlegateshead.com/dbimgs/images/snowdogs%20on%20the%20quayside(1).jpg_tmp_700x361.jpg)
There are sixty odd of these cunts all over the town, generally getting in everybody's way, trying to distract them from the much more important business of concentrating on how desperately miserable and shit their lives are. They are clearly intended to be great family-friendly fun and consequently have these horrible I-love-you faces. Worse than this, they have been given the status of an art installation.
Eventually, they will be sold off at auction to St Oswalds hospice, which provides end-of-life care to children amongst other things. But I don't care because I hate them.
Anyway, I desecrated the strawberry one by riding on it and then some guy came up and pointed out there are also dinosaur versions all over Liverpool. While he tried to get the pictures on his phone my friend and I noticed the artist Simon Tozer's statement about the fact he wanted them to be recognisable from a distance and that making it look like fruit was a great idea. Given how infantile the description was, I surmised that the artist was probably a five year old in the St Oswalds hospice. My friend decided it was more likely that he was trapped inside the snowdog, and then I said (with increasing hysteria, arms flapping all over the place) that: No, look, clearly this healthcare that they're providing is extremely expensive and there are a lot of child deaths. In fact, it's so expensive they can't afford to cremate the bodies so they've just filled up all these fibreglass dogs with the bodies of children, ten or so stuffed down each leg, and scattered them all over the city in the hope that no-one will think to open them up.
During this outburst, my friends were trying to stop me from talking but I had gone berserk and couldn't be communicated with. The guy who had stopped to show us the photos was just … horrified. I had been describing with great glee the idea that there had been a child holocaust and they'd made these cutsie mass graves out of the bodies. I am pretty sure I ruined his night. I don't think he'd ever had such appalling thoughts in his head.
And that is what this thread has done to my sense of humour.
New page desolation.
A Ted Bovis impersonator is hit by a car.
A man discovers his rapist has been appointed to oversee his divorce.
When social services got there they discovered instead of quilts they were being put to bed in puff pastry pie crusts.
Pointer uses an asteroid field of dust motes as an excuse to ignore it all and finish watching Pornhub
A man completes Pornhub.
A Crystal Maze obsessive steps naked into the exact replica of the Crystal Dome he’s spent twenty years constructing. Proudly tumescent he raises his arms and roars
“Would you start the fans please?”
“Stop the fans!” He screams moments later as miscalculations of turbine strength, and token design turn the dome into a giant blender that starts to shred his flesh. His long suffering partner’s hand wavers above the off switch, and wavers… and wavers.
Join BBC Children in Need for a special pre-record with Ricky Gervais as David Brent!
You get a hard on at work, but the pretty secretary who promised you a BJ rips off her skin to reveal she's a lizard queen.
You get a hard on at work, but the pretty secretary who promised you a BJ rips off her skin to reveal she's a lizard queen.
'Alright mate?!'
Oh, they're saying it to the person behind me.
Brilliant. Captures the true essence of desolation. You don't even need any fat round this bone - we've all been there.
The worst one was at University. I walk into the Uni bar and a gaggle of pleasant looking female students start hollering, waving and cooing. I feel a warm glow rise up and I start to swagger into their embrace. They dart past me and run towards Chris Martin of Coldplay. The "matrix" vampire sat in the dark corner of the room sneers at me.
"It'll take more than cancer to kill me!" declares Joyce on her charity fundraising website.
No it won't.
A man discovers his rapist has been appointed to oversee his divorce.
Glebe's balls are now mouldy tangerines and no fucker cares.Glebe's Balls, a horrifying proposal featuring Glebe and Claude Balls in the style of Caramel's Balls (ft. Johnny Caramel).
Greg the Junkie is rifling through some hospital bins looking for fresh syringes. He discovers a large phial of diamorphine.
The buttocks of a going-to-seed, fifty-two year-old former bouncer - acned, faintly luminous in the twilight, and visible almost to the anus as his tracksuit trousers slip down when he leans into the boot of his Nissan to retrieve an Adidas gym bag containing 252 unsold copies of the self-starring granny-porn film (entitled “Backdoor Biddies”) he sold his house to finance - are the only witnesses to a fox's miscarriage.
A tree surgeon's leg is amputated...
A mad old harridan mistakes you for her drug addict grandson Kevin, there is literally no explaining that you being 10 years older and having a completely different voice, face, body, vocabulary and just generally not being Kevin-ness precludes you from the rambling diatribe she attempts to lay upon you as you march swiftly down a shit street.
<all real from here>
Motherwell
A company director aggressively lobbies for lower taxes for businesses and high earners, having just that morning written to his Tory MP to complain about the bedroom tax and then hitting his severely disabled daughter.
A buffoon is born.
A worm is tricked into entering a barren patch of soil.
"It must be Black bloody Friday every week round here!" booms a jaundiced Grimsbyman on the tube. Your girlfriend laughs - genuinely laughs."It must be Black bloody Friday every week round here!" booms a jaundiced Grimsbyman in the tube. The dark, cold, concrete tube that you and eleven other sacrifices will now be trapped in until you starve. Your girlfriend laughs for the last time.
(http://i64.tinypic.com/33mpeer.jpg)
A telemarketer from Cwmbran goes cruising for fanny on Google Earth.
A longed-for tumour blooms.
Ricky Jervais ponders where it all went wrong.
A lighthouse keeper marries himself. The divorce, three weeks later, is acrimonious in the extreme.
A dishevelled 47-year old man attempts to get the Macarena started at the staff Christmas Party. No response.
Goes solo.
An expired tin of tapioca turns to a dark corner of the cupboard, shunned by all the young milk puddings.
Sex addiction and muscular dystrophy converge on a blameless newborn, in Huddersfield.
its 2045, and a a driverless car skids wildly towards a gaggle of schoolchildren, having briefly lost control on some ice.
in an instant, it scans the group's facebook profiles, and smashes headlong without even slowing down into the one with the least friends.
the car speeds off, simultaneously correcting its course and sending for an automatic coroners car, with a built in cherrypicker/bodybag attachment.
the parents are sent an email explaining to them they will need to print out an e-ticket if they want to reclaim the body.
they dont bother. seems a bit of an insult, holding a funeral for a boy with only 5 facebook friends, 3 of them being his parents
(https://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/en/2/24/BlackMirrorTitleCard.jpg)
A 91 year-old Davy Jones shimmies up onto the roof of his care home and takes a shit on the skylight, screaming with laugher as he stamps on his excreta like a vintner on amphetamines, and casting something of a pall on the wedding reception of Henry Winkler (92) and Marilu Henner (85) below.
The Christmas lights look like pants again..
A member of the Coldstream Guard signs all his Christmas cards 'from a member of the Coldstream Guard'.
A mons pubis reaches wretched proximity to a Dumbledore figurine.
This is true... the hotel windows in my hotel room in rural Thailand are actually painted on the wall.
An ambulance rushes to the 3rd hip break at Mablethorpe Mecca bingo in a week.
You make a nice cup of tea, but someone calls round selling insurance and by the time you've got rid of them, the tea's gone cold. You've run out of milk, so you go to the shop.
A rabid dog attacks you on the way. You're FUCKED.
The Pangaea sort of forgets to disburse into continents soz
An ostracized Trekkie translates Mein Kampf into Klingon
The stain of a shart slowly spreads across the gusset of a Groom's white silk tux as he slips the ring on his bride.
An £18 win on a fruit machine provides the impetus for a 67 year old stain to drug a labrador with GHB. As he pumps its loose arsehole he leans in and licks it jowls.
It occurs to Spoon of Ploff that there may be more rewarding ways to celebrate the season of advent.
When they find him, he's sitting next to a typewriter and an empty bottle of sleeping tablets.
The words on the typewriter are repeated over and over
WHAT HAVE I DONE
Moscow beheading nanny says killing child 'was revenge for Putin bombing Syria'
Gulchekhra Bobokulova, a 38-year-old mother of three sons from Uzbekistan was spotted brandishing the child's head outside a subway station on Monday morning
A kebab shop owner pours the days remnant gristle onto his pliant baying son.
A stargazer flicks a snail off the handrail of some windmill steps.
'Happy Birthday to me,
Happy Birthday to me,
Happy Birthday dear meeeee,
Happy Birthday to...........me'
http://www.bbc.com/news/38293294
Fucking hell
'The boy's family watched on from the hallway as they cried' is a marvellous sentence though, feels like something one of the desolation stalwarts on this thread would write. Made me chuckle, anyway; a chink of light from the blackness of the article's subject matter.
The wrong penis is sucked in Luton.
You wake up, apparently all snuggled under the duvet. But no. It's a pissy tramp that straggles you, and 'tis -10 degrees on the slag heap. So here you are, at 5:30AM, frozen and hungry in the middle of nowhere. A long trek through streets of dog shit in bare feet to the train station is met with a closed gate, so you attempted to sleep until it opens but are interrupted by a gang of yahoos, who spit and punch.
When the station opens, you realize you have no money for fare, so attempt to bunk it. Nay, not today, son! You get tossed out on your ear into a bloody sewage puddle. At this rate, you'll never find your way home, and soggy and fucked you remember warm Christmases gone by, THAT WILL NEVER RETURN.
Ricky Gervais looks into the mirror, flinches, but stays with it. 36 minutes he stands there for, stoic, except for the tears.
He isn't seen in public again for 16 months.
| 1. | This one is based on the classic O. Henry short. Hope you like it. |
Nigel Farage receives a state funeral
You're lining up to see the new Star War film, when all of sudden lots of diarrhea tumbles out your bum!
Fuck it, you think. "One for Star Wars, please."
| 1. | The cafe & lit up plastic igloo's real, it's actually pretty irl until you get up close, but worrying (https://scontent-lhr3-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t31.0-8/15440527_1779896898945509_454762309394082579_o.jpg?oh=086a67309155e43086c74c2edf403d01&oe=58DF4C04) |
real life seasonal desolation
The Christmas lights look like pants again.
| 1. | "here's our official town Xmas card for this year, featuring the famous 'sparkly knickers' lights ! " |
(https://scontent-lhr3-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/15400901_1779893945612471_1512566685029280302_n.jpg?oh=a900465490ecfb68a0bc02eb025bc1ef&oe=58EAD4BF)
In Sunderland, a carrot in the shape of Theresa May is discovered and instantly hailed as evidence that Brexit is on track.
A Tyburn crow pecks at flecks of dropped pastry where its ancestors tore meat from hanged men.
| 1. | The family were also burnt to a crisp, 'by the way'. |
John dumps Sarah for good when PE lesson antics expose her dreadful skiddies to all. He never loves another.
But he still continues to teach PE until she moves to a sixth form college 3 years later
| 1. | OBVIOUSLY. |
Keith Chegwin autographs a Greggs receipt with an Argos pen.
The distaste he registers from every till assistant teaches him nothing.
A man changes his name to 'James of Thrones'
A man changes his name to Fred Westworld.
other night i was having sex with someone and couldn't get hard, then had to go diarrhoea in her toilet for 20 minutes, then on my triumphant return to the bedroom i prematurely ejaculated
A cuppa should put things right. You reach for the ginger nuts, but they crumble into an out-out-date mess. And there's no milk.
Or tea.
which is just as well, because the kettle has been repossessed.
Kettle?! You'll be lucky!
Wafer thin ham greys in a widow's fridge.
A town crier
Should have bumped the LG thread for that one.
A seaside donkey heaves up a whole packet of carob drops.
Wanking on the stairs to a flooded basement
Maggie Smith notes in her stoolbook the eighteenth consecutive irregular movement. However, with this book, she tells herself, I am in control.
Alan Hansen makes the puddings for a cafeteria whose food hygiene rating is minus seven.
Piotr empties the bins of dog tods on Rhyl seafront and dreams of his days as a classical pianist back in Ukraine.
A sign indicating the twin towns of Kiev and Rhyl is spattered with muck and riddled with bullet holes.
And that's the Rhyl one.
| 1. | #HappenedtoEdmonds |
A camel is driven to lunacy by the sheer size of the balls of the camel in front of him in the caravan.Johnny Caramel is driven to lunacy by the sheer size of Claude Balls' balls. The Caramel's Balls meetup descends into awkward muttering, and the two part forever less than an hour later.
One customer who bought the game told The Sun: "I couldn't believe it, the answers are so ridiculous... [but] the kids won't accept the game could possibly be wrong."
"Any affected customer can email us stating their name and full address and we will send out a replacement set of corrected cards free of charge."
A man giggles at some otters on his phone during being informed of his tertiary colo-rectal cancer.
The orphans are eagerly awaiting Andi Peters.
| 1. | would have started another thread for this, but there's been sooooo many Des' threads lately (know idea why) |
| 2. | i'm not obsessed with the subject by the way. absolutely not. no no no. |
Hard to imagine, but has anyone found a desolation idea seep into their brain so bleak that they've been unable to commit to this thread?[1]
No need for details, just interested if there is in fact another level of hell below this one.[2]
1. would have started another thread for this, but there's been sooooo many Des' threads lately (know idea why) 2. i'm not obsessed with the subject by the way. absolutely not. no no no.
A docile Trekkie has his face obliterated by an angry Brexit dad for speaking Klingon near his children.
We All Have McDonald's In Common
An itinerant customer support technician courts a scarecrow with a tuft of black-grass.
Police raiding the home of a Richard Herring fan find the head of Julia Sawalha, and the body of Julia Sawalha.
A lump-browed child makes ash angels in the burnt-out remains of his foster home.
It doesn't take, what more do you want me to say?
still boasting about smuggling a pack of pornographic playing cards and a flick knife through customs 25 years after the fact.
always carrying around a pack of pornographic playing cards in random attempts to lighten a mood that nobody wants lightening.
pornographic playing cards.
1982: Zing after Zing after Zing after Zing. Comedian Tony is on fire at the Smirk Club in Billericay, after electrocuting the audience with his rapport and wit. The newspapers are alight with praise.
2002: Zing after Zing after Zing after Zing. Destitute Tony is on fire in his barren council squat in Billericay, after electrocuting himself with his electric razor. The newspapers are ablaze.
The Chilcot report is lost down a vent.
Legend Chilcot: "We go again"
Jenny from Girvan sends herself six mother's day cards, one from each of her abortions.
Does she wear her abortions in a necklace around her neck, like some some soldier in Vietnam who wore a necklace made from the ears of people he killed.Nah mate, they suck them out with a vacuum, thereby rendering the abortion unusable as a piece of jewellery.
Does she also, twirl the necklace around, in a flirtatious manner, when meeting the stranger in farm foods who she hopes will giver her matching ear rings?
Nah mate, they suck them out with a vacuum, thereby rendering the abortion unusable as a piece of jewellery.
Girvan doesn't have a Farmfoods.
Beth eats all her remaining valiums, sinks into a bath of red wine, opens her mouth and begins to slurp.
A down-on-his-luck Noseybonk finds gainful employment in a ghost train at a little visited funfair outside of Skegness. On the second day he is viciously assaulted by a gang of drunken youths and loses his nose in the incident.
Pre-Brexit Britain:
There was hope.
There was hope.
A flicked roasted peanut shatters an invalid's glass eye.
shards of the glass land unnoticed in an infant's ice cream cone
A flicked roasted peanut shatters an invalid's glass eye.
A planned hike up the mountains
Little Benny is even rejected by Satan "Take the next exit to nowhere, little shit"
Some crumbs from a hastily eaten Boost land in the open casket of a dead Sikh.
Johnny Pimp returns home after being made redundant, he slits his wrists using his P45.
Poundland mistakingly feature two paedophiles in a viral marketing campaign.
A miserable winter's day, but Harold felt that a brisk walk would lift the mood. And indeed, by the time he got home he felt slightly not-as-depressed - until he discovered that someone had poisoned the tortoise and thrown cack all over his windows.
A misplaced Awooga triggers a fatal heart attack.
Two parents, each with locked in syndrome are enabled to communicate for the first time in fifteen years.
Their first exchange.
"You owe me 26p bus fare"
"Fuck off why he's your son"
"Such a bitch"
A MAN suffering from locked-in syndrome which left him unable to speak, move or blink has used telepathic technology to DENY his daughter’s request to get married.
The EU Animal By-Product Regulations require that fallen animals are removed from farms for specialist disposal without undue delay. Alongside complying with the stringent legal requirements, the safe and secure disposal of fallen stock is essential to maintaining high levels of animal health and bio-security for the livestock sector in the UK.
Cyril takes his weekly trip to B&Q, only this time will be the last. He has the measurements for his coffin, the staff will help him construct it, lay him in it and seal him up before burying him under soil from the garden section. He used his gift card from Christmas to pay for it.
A foetus is found in a bin in a call centre.
A single tear rolls down the cheek of a taxi driver, remembering failed dreams and realising this is it as he ferries a pissed up hen do to the centre of Cleckheaton in a minibus.
Theft of a motor vehicle, armed robbery, sexual assault, arson and conspiracy to defraud.
45 year-old plumber Gary travels alone all the way from his home in Dumfries down to London, to see Little Mix in concert. He has to stand at the back and can't really see anything. He spends much of the night in his two-star hotel room listening to vagrants fighting and vomiting in an alley. However, the train ride home is pleasant enough, and he passes the time noting down ideas for next year's marriage break-up anniversary treat.
Malcolm's brother has saved a whole £345 in a Kinder Egg capsule to take Malcolm to the Dianna Princess of Wales memorial light show. Instead he uses the money to go and see a Busted tribute band at the village hall. The band cancels after poor ticket sales.
A sextoy is cluelessly nicknamed 'Rolf's Wetfinger'.
Michael van Gerwen has become only the second player in history to throw two nine-dart finishes in one match.The Dutchman achieved the perfect leg twice as he beat Ryan Murray 6-2 in a UK Open Qualifier third round in Wigan.
To make ends meet, Steve Backley goes round Hyde Park skewering rubbish with the end of his javelin. But no-one asked him to, so he doesn't get paid.
(http://static.guim.co.uk/sys-images/Sport/Pix/columnists/2013/12/31/1388510544860/michael-van-gerwen-011.jpg)
| 1. | That is the point of this isn't it? Isn't it?? |
99 pages... plus 99 pages... plus numerous sub threads... and we still haven't driven anyone into taking their own life, or the life of a loved one.[1]
1. That is the point of this isn't it? Isn't it??
99 pages... plus 99 pages... plus numerous sub threads... and we still haven't driven anyone into taking their own life, or the life of a loved one.[1]
1. That is the point of this isn't it? Isn't it??