Desolation
« on: September 22, 2014, 10:19:03 pm »
Things are getting far too upbeat around here for my liking.
Desolation:
A balding man in ill-fitting suit eating a dessert in a deserted, cheap diner. His eyes briefly meet mine and I understand.
Desolation:
A man just past his peak, wolfing down bad chips in a secluded alleyway before shoving them in a bin and strutting back out into the public in all his finery, but smelling of grease. I espied him down that alleway and understood.
Desolation:
A young father, already aged by 10 years trying to placate his bawling infant son on a crowded bus. His hackles rise and he nearly snaps. A younger guy steps into the breach, acting the fool, making the kid giggle and the passengers swoon. I see the sweat stains filter through the tatty t-shirt and understand.
I am happy to observe desolation. It gives me great joy and warmth.
Desolation.
The blood in the shit. Not long now.
the snow tracks of a pram, leading into a canal
the snow tracks of a butcher's trolley, leading away
the snow tracks of a pram, leading into a canal
ain't snow... ash
"Není to popel, šéf, to je zmrazené sperma!"
some real competition strength deso there guys
Martin's mum finds a collection of cat legs in a shoe box under his bed. Inch by careful inch she slides it back into its hiding place. Extra Febreze from now on.
Harald Legend paused. With the high-street sleet hitting his face, a tender thought touched his mind. Where is my son, Gary?
Ivor puts the finishing touches onto his 'Boobnoculars' - basically a normal pair of binoculars with pictures of 'birds with their tits out' prittsticked over the lens.
'This is going to be amazing' he says, to no-one in particular.
Real one:
It's mid-February, the downstairs curtains of the 2-up 2-down remain resolutely closed. More befitting a deckchair than a poxy terraced house.
Still plastered to the window, two hand-made christmas decorations, a snowman and a christmas tree. Hints that something terrible has taken place beyond those shabby drapes.
(http://i67.tinypic.com/6i78z6.jpg)
It genuinely makes me feel sad.[nb]that you couldn't be bothered to correct the orientation of this image[/nb]
Getting woken up in the middle of the night by a text message telling me I've used up my free data for the month.
What's this at the back of my kitchen cupboard?
Napolina Chick Peas... B.B.E:APR 2013
A miserable Monday is mildly improved with the discovery that your favourite brand of peas have been reduced by 1p.
An emaciated goose lectures its companions.
A beachball is destroyed by the authorities after it causes a rape.
The outcome of a tribunal is delayed by shenanigans.
'Be my Yoko Ono..' thinks fuck-ugly meatbeast Martin at the Japanese girl in the chip shop window.
An arseclown flings a cluster of humbugs at a duck.
No, I didn't see Game of bastard Thrones.
You sleepwalk into a shopping precinct naked and carrying a hosepipe.
Shakin' Stevens plays a town hall in Skegness. Only two people turn up - the janitor, and Shaky.
You have difficulty pronouncing the word 'rhomboid'.
whilst eating a gob full of mouldy marshmallows
You have difficulty pronouncing the word 'rhomboid'.
You have trouble drawing a rhumboid... even with a ruler and a set square and everything... a-and you're not even in space.
Seeing your childhood sweetheart being yelled at by her thuggish husband in a Lidl car park.
Alex Zane writes, directs and stars in a movie about a down-on-his-luck English teacher who starts work at a school in the most deprived area of South Central Los Angeles, however after initially not seeing eye-to-eye with his immediately reluctant class of thugs and delinquents manages to motivate them into devouring the works of Shakespeare through a heart-warming sequence of combining classical English literature with street-dance and Ebonics inspiring them to put on their own production of Macbeth done entirely as a rap.
The movie is a massive success and Alex Zane is the toast of Hollywood and lauded as a modern-day Orson Welles.
That tired looking greasy spoon down near Bushey Arches, with it's bored looking staff and defeated looking punters, has been selling stewed tea and room temperature bacon butties for twenty years now, and will continue to do so twenty years after you've gone.
Except five years ago they got in a stock of pop tarts. The box remains unopened.
A teacher spots a former pupil he once coached to a Bronze Duke of Edinburgh Award drinking cans of lager in the doorway of a defunct branch of Shoe Zone
A bedsit dweller adds some Glaceau Smartwater to a glass of tap as a birthday treat.
A pestilent pigeon in a discarded Fray Bentos tin. Michael's first erection in 13 years.
(http://metrouk2.files.wordpress.com/2009/10/pigeonpantsap_450x350.jpg)
a fashion concious schizophrenic faces the 'space rays' rather than wear the empty fray bentos tin helmet provided by the NHS.
Your last meal on death row being a fray bentos pie and a glass of tizer
actually fancying eating a fray bentos pie after taking the piss out of them, as you remember the pastry being quite nice.
But where, where is Grotbags?
A cold untoasted crumpet covered in grout
wins Bakeoff 2018
A carrot becomes self-aware.
A CaBer waits patiently and in vain for someone to turn his avatar into a cat.
Ahem (http://www.cookdandbombd.co.uk/forums/index.php/topic,58512.msg3067464.html#msg3067464)
didn't say it was me did i
And then the murders began.
Society breaks down.
A man drives home, pondering how he's going to tell his wife and son he's just been sacked for wanking in a forklift.
Only two Desolations so far today?
RIP Desolation? Say it ain't so.
A fight in a Sainsbury's car park is ended by no one.
A bored old man rates his own grandchildren in order of ugliness.
A bored old man rates his own grandchildren...would... would... wouldn't... hmmmmm, would...
... a 1995 Dell keyboard ...
A man farts in paris.
WORKMEN were seen having a heated row moments before scaffolding on a derelict cinema collapsed into a city centre street, a witness has claimed.
Alcohol involved
It happened at around 11.30pm on Monday as she was waiting for the last bus home after seeing the Bob Mortimer show Athletico Mince.
The historic 1931 built cinema was given listed status in 2000, but this was removed by the arts minister a year later.
A real life one.
In the doorway of a closed down shop, lies a discarded sleeping bag, reeking of shit.
It's 7AM. A sunny summer Saturday morn, and Janice is up bright and early for today's trip up the mountains. A packed lunch is in order, so Phil had better get up and get the hiking gear ready while she busies herself in the kitchen. Oh, and come on, get up, young Tim!
A five-minute break with a cuppa affords Janice the luxury of a quick and frivolous YouTube search. Oh, a Woody Allen interview! That should be interesting.
5PM. As the rain lashes the window, Janice considers the futility of human existence while Phil snores on the couch and Tim plays the Xbox.
Eh? This was in Desolation 3000, where I thought it was a witty rejoinder about the future.
You're looking forward to popping to the shops to buy an Aero, but a bunch of dodgy lads are sitting on the wall.
A nugget of shit rolls down the stairs of a Blackpool B&B.
Keith sniffs a Caramac in a Luton newsagents.
(http://i38.photobucket.com/albums/e123/tqbeast/IMG_0722_zpsqymbrik6.jpg) (http://s38.photobucket.com/user/tqbeast/media/IMG_0722_zpsqymbrik6.jpg.html)
(http://i38.photobucket.com/albums/e123/tqbeast/IMG_0722_zpsqymbrik6.jpg) (http://s38.photobucket.com/user/tqbeast/media/IMG_0722_zpsqymbrik6.jpg.html)
(http://i38.photobucket.com/albums/e123/tqbeast/IMG_0722_zpsqymbrik6.jpg) (http://s38.photobucket.com/user/tqbeast/media/IMG_0722_zpsqymbrik6.jpg.html)Roll call please.
(http://i38.photobucket.com/albums/e123/tqbeast/IMG_0722_zpsqymbrik6.jpg) (http://s38.photobucket.com/user/tqbeast/media/IMG_0722_zpsqymbrik6.jpg.html)
Roll call please.
Key Burley berates a souvenir shop assistant in Fife.
Roll call please.
A wrong'un scurries home with a discarded child's dummy in Baldock.
Nerys sprinkles some ground black pepper on her Monday gammon.
Norman
Norman
Norman
Norman
Norman
Norwoman
dead chinese boy
An emotionally unstable man receives the last but one Paul Weller album for his 40th birthday.
John Cleese has AIDS. Yes, The AIDS.
I think you mean aides who assist him about his daily business.
A middle aged man tries desperately to remember what paraffin paper was for.
At a football training ground in the 1990's, Kevin Keegan farts into a Tupperware box and hands it to Ruud Gullit.
"I hope you find the comfort in death that you couldn't find in life," says a father tearfully, as he buries his protesting son alive in the back garden - a zestful son with a happy-go-lucky attitude and who had a bright future ahead of him.
Dianne Abbott.
If you want a vision of the future imagine a luke warm double decaf latte dripping on a humans face forever.
If you want a vision of the future imagine a luck warm double decaf latte dripping on a humans face forever.
MICHAEL PORTILLO.
Some bright spark at Universal decides to re-release all the Laurel and Hardy DVDs, this time with commentary tracks.
By James Corden.
A suicide note which reads, simply, 'all I ever wanted was to meet Roy Walker'.
its Roy Walker's suicide note
I think Les Dennis really did have the last laugh, because he wasn't in Run For Your Wife. Also, he still looks reasonably chipper, whereas Neil Morrissey has aged to the extent that he now looks like an old man befuddled at his own paunch and encroaching Alzheimer's.
"This is your driver speaking. I'm afraid there's a problem on the line, and so we may be sitting here for anywhere up to three hours. But to lift spirits, I will be playing The Very Best of Chris de Burgh over the speakers. Sing along if you like!"
There's a Spanish train that runs between
Guadalquivir and old Saville,
And at dead of night the whistle blows,
and people hear she's running still...
And then they hush their children back to sleep,
Lock the doors, upstairs they creep,
For it is said that the souls of the dead
Fill that train ten thousand deep!!
Well a railwayman lay dying with his people by his side,
His family were crying, knelt in prayer before he died,
But above his bed just a-waiting for the dead,
Was the Devil with a twinkle in his eye,
"Well God's not around and look what I've found,
this one's mine!!"
A ribbon of lemon zest is glued to a gibbon's arse.
No reason to live, no reason to die
I only get up for my Frey Bentos pie
It would have pushed for the You've Been Framed best video award if not for the fact it went unrecorded and the farmers body was almost unrecognisable in the slurry
Nice. Not enough references to slurry pits since Night Light radio finished.
Reluctant Saturday custody dad Leon flings a frisbee straight into young Sheeran's mouth, obliterating any chance of teeth. The world greyly continues.
You're joking. Only the other day someone reposted a news report concerning the slurry fetishist.
Sally Gunnell spends her Sunday afternoon drinking special brew, and giggling to 'Gif with Sound' montages on Dailymotion.
Jesus appears on a stolen bicycle. It is nighttime and no one pays heed.
Jesus appears on a stolen bicycle. It is nighttime and no one pays heed.
Shitted pants in the morning at primary school, PE in the afternoon and you've forgotten your shorts..
Through supernatural forces
Lycra holes
The sun catches a patch of wall, rendered a reflective surface by years of daily wanksocks bouncing off it, revealing the mirrored image of a man who once had his whole life ahead of him, tied to the headboard by the neck with a belt, one sock on, one in his hand
he stares himself in the eyes for the first time in a while, the faint sounds of Russian women crying emanating from the laptop on his chest
That was rather a strong punch to the guts. Well done.
In the space of 24 hours a man goes from being in Bethlehem to being in Doncaster.
A mathematics tutor reminisces about the time when calculators were real things and not just hidden invisible inside computers and phones like now. When they do the autopsy a week later they find 27 Casio fx-8100s bubbling away inside his stomach.
A bald man clicks his user name to check for recent karma changes
An alliance forms in a household over further use of shallots.
Martha accidentally opens the excel document charting her quarterly bowel movements on the projector screen of the lecture theatre.
Pick arsehole more like! Chortle. Eh, readers?
"Quack! Quack!"
Three hours later, he's in a cell. At least there's a blanket covering his private parts, but he's still wearing the Donald Duck mask.
brilliant work
Aw shucks Spam... actually thought it needed some finessing. I should have tweaked and honed it before posting, but I couldn't be fucking arsed.
A Moscow zoo is the place to be for hip young radical Sergei; it's cold, the smell is awful and the monkeys are all dead.
Moscow zoo is actually top notch, except it was being renovated when I visited and the monkeys were all dead
a sad broken toy that no one wants to play with
Interviewed by the newspapers, Mum said he was a "complex" character:
She wanted to say "Hes a sulky thick-as-fuck non-personality with an explosive temper, who's cowardice is all that keeps him from being a perma-thug cunt, his moments of blind, psychopathic rage serving as tiny windows of happiness in an a life which is otherwise just a sad, lonely fuge state, no lessons learned from years of stupid, humiliating displaced rage, he doesn't even know the real reason for his frustration in life; that hes a sad broken toy that no one wants to play with, but has been led to believe that he is special in an attempt to stop him crying as a child.
If he was a dog, we would have have taken him round the back and put a spade through him years ago, but hes not a dog, hes our Darren, and you cant choose who your family is in this world, you can only watch through your fingers as they hurt more and more people, and say things like 'hes a complex character' to the vampires of greif as he smacks his stupid fucking head against the lamppost one more time.
What do you want me to say, you righteous pricks ? That I failed to bring up my son, and im sorry? ITS NOT MY FAULT, HE CAME OUT OF ME BROKEN AND STAYED BROKEN, I PLANTED ALL MY LOVE AND HAPPINESS IN THE GROUND, AND NOTHING BUT WEEDS AND SHIT GREW. I DONT KNOW WHAT HAPPENED, IT ALL WENT WRONG, EVERYTHINGS GONE WRONG AND IM SORRY IM SORRY im sorry."
but she didn't.
At the age of 37 he realised he would never experience joy, intimacy, or any form of reciprocal love.
Funny how this one crops up in every desolation thread...from different posters
https://uk.webuy.com/product.php?sku=5028464070204
Absolutely everything on this page.
flacid
Stapling a guinea pig to a space hopper is one thing, but punting it right into the middle of a hurricane is just fucking mental.
Wrong thread. Re-post in 'Motto of the Day', Glebe.
At the age of 37 he realised he would never experience joy, intimacy, or any form of reciprocal love.Wow, it's like you know my future.
The flirty messages stop after she sees what you look like.
A woman does her nails in an office common room. She picks up her mobile and dials.
"Hi mummy, I just thought I'd call seeing as it's my birthday and everything...yes...42"
[From real life]
Venetian Snares insists on singing on every track of his new album.
The rotting corpse of wayward tramp Eric 'Spring Onions' Tooley is propped up in the end stall of the gents at Euston station, as a warning to others...
After years of 'winging' and 'blagging it' - an Anesthetist takes a bite of a ham sandwich and at that very moment spirals into a fathomless, overwhelming, existential despair as he realizes... He does not having a fucking clue, not the first clue about any of this anesthetic shit.
Mam's on the back step crying again. A bunch of flowers poke out of the bin.
Slashed tires on a 1958 Volga
A priest fails to stifle an almighty blow-off during a eulogy given by the parents of a young, soon to be buried, girl.
Later on, when the family have left the graveside, the priest throws his soiled underpants into the neatly dug hole in the ground. The filled pants make a satisfying squelch as they hit the lid of the small coffin below. "Dust to dust" sighs the priest as he kicks a mound of soil into the hole, covering his shame for all eternity.
after five weeks stumbling back and forth between Euston station and platform three of the Northern line, an unimportant IT Support engineer realizes he's fallen hopelessly in love with the yawning woman on the Floradix poster
Next day the poster has been replaced with a cartoon owl asking him if he's looking for a new job.
'They always leave me in the end' he thinks.
Next day the poster has been replaced with a cartoon owl asking him if he's looking for a new job.
'They always leave me in the end' he thinks.
He remembers that owl when his team leader and manager invite him into a Skype meeting to discuss his 'disappointing' attitude.
He remembers that owl when his team leader and manager invite him into a Skype meeting to discuss his 'disappointing' attitude.
For 6 years the body remained undiscovered in a ditch. 5 of those years it was alive and wanking.
Just one more drink... it's the only medicine for a broken heart right now.
Four hours later, wanking in her driveway.
Ha! Laughed at this one.
Every day is an endless slog of melancholic despair.
A 42 year old man weeps as he cuddles his spunk stained caseless pillow in his bedsit that he can no longer afford the rent on and will be turfed out of in 3 days and imagines it's the only girlfriend he had back when he was 19. Sandra, nicely plump, bad teeth, smelt a bit, but he didn't mind cause he liked her laugh. They were together for a month before she got hit by a car on the way home from the cinema when she'd nipped over the road to the chippy while he went in the offy to get a few tins in.
They find him, full of flies, four days later.
A recent divorcee holds back the tears and manages a trip to Tesco. In an emotional fug he buys a reduced cheesecake in the hope that the creamy topping and crisp biscuit base will alleviate the shadows in his mind.
They find him, full of flies, four days later.
My old builder housemate could regularly be seen stood by the fridge shovelling cheesecake into his mouth before going to work.
http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-4760750/Shoppers-three-hours-early-opening-new-Poundworld.html (http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-4760750/Shoppers-three-hours-early-opening-new-Poundworld.html)
Apologies for Daily Heil link.
In summary, Rhyl scum go mental for a new Poundland shop.
Kyle Davies wrote: 'Omg I've been dreaming of a Poundworld.'
(http://i.imgur.com/mP2LRwp.png)
Tumble Ted.
Phil Collins pays a wet nurse to stub a cig out on his gut.
It's raining fish, following an explosion at the pet shop.
Brenda recognises the obstruction that the vet has pulled from her pug's anal canal as her husband's missing Prince Albert.
A father depserately watches through some netting as his son disappears beneath the surface of the ball pit of his local soft play centre. He cries out for help but nobody takes notice. Other children dive bomb into the ball pit near to where his son went under.
"He's gone, he's gone", repeating in his mind as he leaves the centre, never to return. Lost at sea.
Some hours later, there is a distant, muffled cry from within the multicoloured ball-mass. Should father investigate? YOU decide!
The body of a redcoat is found bloated in a coin operated Postman Pat ride at Butlins.
A father depserately watches through some netting as his son disappears beneath the surface of the ball pit of his local soft play centre. He cries out for help but nobody takes notice. Other children dive bomb into the ball pit near to where his son went under.The final fever dream of a recently divorced North Sea fisherman, an undisclosed time after the sudden death of his son in a soft play area.
"He's gone, he's gone", repeating in his mind as he leaves the centre, never to return. Lost at sea.
A grown up adult male is dismayed to discover there are no Sonic Screwdrivers for sale at the Dr Who Experience gift shop.
The Father of the bride proposes a toast to Gary Barlow, Gaunty and himself.
14 years.. 14 years. Of tedium. They part on bad terms. He resorts to straight gin, she to anti-anxiety medication and red wine. The children don't notice at first. Then they resort. Synthetic weed, MDMA and ketamine. Don't talk to each other much nowadays. Chemical haze. Sublimation and slow movement toward deaths horizon. He finishes off another big pour of gin, decides to post on an obscure forum.
The dog suffers from dementia. A demented old smelly sod of dog. Never recognises it's owner when it comes in. That's the worst thing. No tail wagging, just a brief growl then back to it's bed.
She posts "motivational" quotes on her instagram. Everyday. The bin is breeding maggots.
He calls it off. Can't stand the way she says Thurrock. Stays alone the rest of his life.
I stayed away from this thread for many weeks. I'd thought it had lost its edge. I came today and saw this post. A grin spread across my face. When did I write that, I think, scraping aforementioned maggot mound from tonight's dinner - broiled rat on toast. Oh to be alive!!
Does the sickly sweet quality of Canadian life have you yearning for grimmer and grimmer desolation Blodders?
cold morning air nips
Racist.
I stayed away from this thread for many weeks. I'd thought it had lost its edge. I came today and saw this post. A grin spread across my face. When did I write that, I think, scraping aforementioned maggot mound from tonight's dinner - broiled rat on toast. Oh to be alive!!
A man wipes his cold sore-enccrusted lips on the anus of a vagrant.
^ Spamwrangler, between these last few and the Gruesome Trevor stuff you've posted, you're on fire.
an Internet man watches a graph dissolve on contact with opinion
he buries himself in the Fathers4Justice RSS feed, planning his next attack
I see what you did there hashtagphrasesihate
Nam Rood orders his 12th pint of Strongbow in the Stockport branch of Wetherspoons, failing a hopeful glimmer of recognition from anyone at the bar he returns to his seat facing the wall and angrily scrawling the cheat codes for James Pond 2: Robocod for the Amiga over the crossword puzzle.
flattened wasp
fucking waste of time
an abandoned child
a cry under a bridge
People who weren't even alive before his first wank are now his bosses. Loud coffee banter reverberates around his skull as he looks forward to an evening of changing his mother's soiled underwear.
A wanker heron wraps a baby-sized rancid dog turd in a white hankie before dropping it on the lap of little dead Essie's glum, mourning mother
a man shaves off his mustache. his family dont recognize him, and wont let him come in the house. he watches them mournfully through the kitchen window as they call the police, mum clutching the kids terrified
You awake at 6AM on a grey Monday in January.
A group of Our Brave Boys perform a Morris dance on a semi conscious Iranian shopkeeper's stretched out Gibblets.
(https://i.imgur.com/1ZNbcIn.jpg)
Party Fred starts getting an erection at the thought of his daughter having sex immediately after she tells him she's pregnant.
"It's okay," he thinks, "It's over the phone, she can't see."
It grows.
Jacob Rees-Mogg hosts an episode of HIGNFY.
(https://pbs.twimg.com/media/DKlq_jSW0AAiirn.jpg)
(https://pbs.twimg.com/media/DKlq_46WsAI16QF.jpg)
Fucking hell know how to use commas!
"For those of you know bear know that he has a tattoo.."
Took me ages for my brain to wrap itself around "know bear know". Was one of the "knows" a mistake? Where's the error, oh yeah, this is what he meant:
"For those of you know Bear, know that he has a tattoo.."
Idiot bastard.
know that he has a tattoo..."
A man turns on the reliable Grundig 22-inch that he took with him when he finally left his parents' in the late 90s and jokes to himself that it is the only thing he has turned on today.
He chuckles as he considers that it might be the only thing he has turned on this week...and it is almost the weekend!
He then looks at the calendar and notices we are almost at the end of September. "Soon be payday!", he muses, but then laments that it would have been nice to have at least been smiled at this month.
Summer is over, into Autumn and then Winter. This year really has passed quickly and he can't actually remember having much contact with anyone really, come to think of it. He doesn't count that time the lady in the shop stopped him on the way out when she thought he was stealing. Touched his arm, and his heart.
2017 it says at the top of the calendar, nearly the end of the decade. He remembers every day like it was yesterday, because it was.
The television has finally warmed up and the familiar sound of Coronation Street fills the room and brings him back. "Stop bein' so maudlin', silly sod".
A soulless successful businessman round the corner with a 60" OLED UHD 3D TV and Sky UHD subscription does more-or-less the same thing.
that's still painful.
"Those of you that know Bear, will know that he has a tattoo..."
A grown man writes the above.
A 56 year-old man with a witch fetish has a few wanks to a VHS of Hocus Pocus, on a small, B&W TV.
Couple died when their van hit a tree runs the local headline.
1 comment from Gregboy52percent
"LOL"
Real life desolation this morning
Canal towpath had been blocked off by the police but reopened today. Spotted bunches of flowers attached to a lamp post, suggesting the site of an accident, or possibly worse...then walked closer... ...an empty can of Carling was also attached.
A passer by with a sick sense of humour or an emblem for the deceased?
We will never know.
Your hair is really greasy and someone's used the last of the Vosene!
A mug of cocoa conceals and goes cold, while you're glued to a really poor episode of Emmerdale.
Glebe stays up all night posting in H.S. Art.
to the delight and amusement of all
Jim Bowen struggles to insert a suppository. He misses the start of Bake Off and kicks a nest of tables across the room in a rage.
A grouse forgets it's manners and starts upsetting the applecart with all sorts of outrageous flappings.
At the Asda in Cleethorpes.Phil Cool is caught stealing tampons and vaseline.
2 cups of tea too late, a divorced salesman discovers a wanksock in a Travel Lodge kettle.
Phil Cool is caught stealing tampons and vaseline.
Charges are pressed.
He strings himself up with a washing line from a tree that is home to a dozen bags of dog shit.
A snowglebe featuring a family of bears enjoying Christmas is used to end a dog's life.
Les Dennis counts how many times it says 'That fucking whore' in his diary.
After dancing around the fire of full blown alcoholism for a good decade, a divorced music teacher decides to belly flop into the flames.
A fall. Not a big one. Slipped on an empty packet of monster munch. Brain damaged now. Locked in. Communicate with eye twitches. "KILL ME" "KILL ME" "KILL ME" "KILL ME" "KILL ME".
They don't.
A discontinued painter-decorator chokes down a black egg in the backroom of an unlicensedl funeral parlour.
Too much is asked of a bicycle pump in an unbelievably filthy sex den in North Kesteven.
A bored Chihuahua strolls along to a local football match, and barks at people it thinks have wronged it in the past.
I really wish we still had karma so I didn't have to make posts like this. But this is amazing. I love you.
Third time through the wash and the stain is still very much visible.
He burns the shirt, but the bloodstained bit flies off in the wind and is later discovered during the subsequent police investigation. Life sentence, no parole.
His wife worries from the next room.
A two year long excavation project following the discovery of an exquisite Roman mosaic floor is followed by an even more painstaking four year project to clean, restore and piece every single title back onto its respective spot, wherein a team of 140 lifelong dedicants unearth and restore the biggest and most explicit tableaux of children being raped for pleasure.
As he hugs his wife for passing Jeremy Kyle's lie detector test, Clive can smell the cum on her breath.
An owl is drowned in a jug of wine for the benefit of a howling crowd of gap year sex tourists in a Shanghai gentlemens club.
Debbie McGee puts it in again.
Wizbit watches.
ed milliband starts a podcast
tomorrow is the first day of the rest of your life.You cunt
A slug shits on the glossy cunt of a coked-up trollop as it trails across p.17 of a defunct wank rag.
A field screams in agony as it is ploughed.
Being up at 01:33 contributing to the desolation thread.
there's a general glumness in the lounge tonight.
The leader of a community centre childrens' outreach program calling themselves "Give Kids Heroes" orders 30 t-shirts for his staff and helpers from a website based in Guernsey which promises "next day delivery". He is dismayed when the package arrives to find 300 t-shirts that all read "GIVE KIDS HERPES".
Welcome to the League of Desolate. You've just earned your first star.
A sailor is alerted to his wife's road traffic accident midway through the coda of his favourite sea shanty.
A real thrifty git has survived by working on the tills at Asda, consuming all the discarded breads crumbs from the under the conveyor belt left behind from tiger bread batons and seeded baguettes.
A stuttering Downs lad's giving "Champagne Supernova" his most heartfelt shot.
There's no way of dressing this Desolation up.
I'm currently in a dying boozer listening to some scraggy haired mare murder "Everything I Fucking Do I Fucking Do It For You" on the karaoke.
A kestrel hangs around in the back garden, drinking cans and generally behaving in a manner unbefitting of it's dignified reputation amongst the bird community.
A severely cummed-on issue of the Radio Times featuring Oz Clarke on the cover is sold for 10p at a car boot sale.
Gary from Stockport pops a single Monster Munch (pickled onion) through the letterbox of a former girlfriend.
Some cling film clogs up a vole's larynx, briefly preventing him from singing to his heart's content.
A Werther's original begins its arduous voyage through a gerontophile's urethra.
Dennis, a recent double leg amputee, realises the feet on his newly fitted prosphetics are facing the wrong way.
Roland Rat sits watching porn on his own in his underpants in his Luton flat on a Monday morning, with a six pack of Tesco beer and 20 JPB thinking, "Where did it all go wrong?"
He lost his legs to land mines, in two separate incidents.
He lost his legs to land mines, in two separate incidents.The second incident occurred whilst hopping about a Zeebrugge minefield hoping to prove that lightening couldn't strike twice.
One in Hull, one in Zeebrugge
In the middle of Dad-singing "Goin' Loco down in Acapulco" a man is hand delivered a court summons for non-compliance with a sealed consent order pursuant to his divorce.
Mark eats his phone. All of it.
What make?
During a routine trip to the barbers Steve manages to again bluff his way through a conversation about Watford FC's back four.
A rotten nan breaks a bit of ice from a puddle and gives it to her grandson as an "icelolly".
After getting a first in media studies and a year on a fixed term contract at a prestigious media company the only transferrable skill Amy got was making coffee for arseholes; Costa will take her on.
a frozen pigeon is briefly promoted to non-consensual improvised dildo round the back of a bolton nightclub, known by locals as the 'Slag Labyrinth'
Mum, where's Dad, he normally picks me up from Scouts?
Dad's a bit sad again love. Leeks.
A freak combination tornado-thunderstorm strikes a pig farm and knife sharpening business.
The resultant whizzing of blades and lightning-heat, combined with the windy distribution means a local town is showered in bacon for almost twenty minutes. All rashers are either burned or uncooked, and the drains are blocked for nearly 3 weeks before the council do anything about it.
The pig farm declares bankruptcy.
Karma.
Charles Condolences, blind since birth, finally receives his sight-hound from the Guide Dogs Association. Unfortunately, instead of the Labrador he requested, he has been sent something called a "Rape Wolf".
An overweight, failed actor finds a letter saying he has won a leading role in the new ITV series "London's Burning", down the back of the sofa, in 2017.
ph'nglui mglw'nafh Christmas R'lyeh wgah'nagl fhtagn
(https://i.imgur.com/PI8ie3b.jpg)
Raw meat (served cold).
A day-drunk turdish loaf of a man digs a fag butt out of a snowman's eye socket.
merry christmas everyone
(https://i.imgur.com/PI8ie3b.jpg)
(https://i.imgur.com/PI8ie3b.jpg)
Jazz enthusiast and self-styled coolest cat about down, Bertie 'Bebop' Brownsword, is left with a brutal case of Hepatitis A, after leaving a Streatham cellar following confusion over an internet advert promoting a 'Scat Evening'.
A half-bag of fizzy Haribo is dissolved to make Christmas Gravy.
She roles over in her sleep, brings her knees up and hits him hard in the bollocks. He yelps. He spends the next 10 minutes offering grovelling apologies for waking her.
A milksop takes a giant step and moves to San Francisco, but sufferes an existential emotional shock and moved back to his hobbit hole in Furness.
Richard Glans discovers his bank account empty, and in the run-up to the festive season that's well unfortunate!
A man with severe haemorrhoids wins a lifetime supply of Izal.
Noel Edmonds attends Keith Chegwin's funeral. He hasn't been invited.
Glebe is tired and anxious on the train. And posting on CaB on his phone.
Lewis Hamilton sits down to write the screenplay 'he's always had in him'.
Grandads getting a steampunk funeral if he wants one or not.
A man discusses Maynard James Keenan with a nurse whilst a lump is surgically removed from his penis.
Sublime (not the band!!)
Why bother with online dating when you can just rape people thinks PaulPaul realises he's probably wasted his dole money at the speed dating evening because the Rohypnol isn't taking effect quick enough.
A 54 year-old man spends 24 hours on an Xbox.
A 54 year-old man spends 24 hours on an Xbox.
The leccy was cut off a week ago.
A grubby peasant sucks the rotten meat off a dead dears hoof in order to avoid starvation. He's hanged the next day. The crowd cheer!
A blackhole farts a new universe into existence. It's almost identical to this one expect humans have flippers instead of feet.
A cod considers it's potential as a tennis champion.
The 'XBox' is an empty tin of Quality Street from 2003.
The XBox should have been a painted egg box. You've ruined this Glebe.
A cracked The Complete Family Ness DVD cover lies forgotten down the side of a barrow in a field in Thurso.
A maggot dealer discovers hashtags.
A petrified sweetcorn kernel seamlessly replaces Barry's manky incisor.
A pungent luncheon meat aroma drifts through the kindergarten.
A depressed wasp gets adhered to seesaw goo.
Taylor Swift has the Boo Radleys dissolved.
2011 is targeted by nostalgia bigwigs.
A stray dog farts out a pile of dead fleas on to a used tampon halfway up the roughest street in Mossside.
The most grim story I heard was from a police officer who told me about this Transiting Shoplifter who had had there arse Rogered away in order to pay for drugs, that they had to keep a Tampon up there in order to stop it all falling out.
Arnold keeps dried out fruit segments in a shoe box in the airing cupboard. Potential partners must pass his 'special' test, by sniffing each piece and guessing which one is his favourite. "So far, they is unsucessful. Better lucks next toimes, moi lovlies, uuuuuuurrgghhh!!!"
Limp trickles of way rusty water from the fireman's hose of the now-disused fire station of Slough
Hi Glebe. Would like to know more about Paul the goblin, if poss.
A debilitating drug poo prevents a man from giving a presentation on how to monetise sports concussions.
Exhausted, resigned, weeping... the store Santas are lead back to their cells for another year.
Geoffrey's clotting piss is back guys.
Angus swings his golf club as hard as he can, and again and again and again and again and again and again, at nothing but air. His shoulder gives out after the 407th swing.
Angus swings his golf club as hard as he can, and again and again and again and again and again and again, at nothing but air. His shoulder gives out after the 407th swing.
A total dickweed is friendzoned by a fleshlight.
BrewDog in Leeds hosts a political meeting for centrists.
Bruce Grobelaar's toilet dairy, day 31: four small pellets, like maltesers.
A white goods salesman can only get aroused during the 1400 RPM spin cycle of a Hotpoint Ultima FDD9640K Washer Dryer.
Michael Portillo sneers at a Roma.
http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/world-asia-42916451
Fuck our imaginations, seriously fuck even trying when things like this go on
That said.
"Christmas isn't Christmas 'till it happens in your heart
"Somewhere deep inside you is where Christmas really starts."
"Belt up George. It's sodding February already."
"Christmas isn't Christmas..."
'Emotional support peacock' barred from United Airlines plane. (http://www.bbc.com/news/world-us-canada-42880690)
That deserves it's own thread.
A Berkshire stable hand throttles a goose with an equine gastroscope.
Getting arrested, thereby ruining your summer holiday to Peterborough
(https://i.imgur.com/ETcQrU1.jpg)
Darren celebrates by defrosting his 70th Yorkshire pudding.
Darren puts another probable paedophile into his lynch database. It's a harmless terrific Grandad loved by all.
which version of Excel does he use?
The baby, also called Tony Smith, was just 41 days old in 2014 when he was found to have suffered the fractures.
http://www.kentonline.co.uk
which version of Excel does he use?
http://www.kentonline.co.uk/maidstone/news/father-denies-harming-baby-with-159978/
Hector giggles as he drunkenly traps the seagull's legs in the lid of the wheely bin. In the cold grey sobriety of the next morning he is greeted by the clouded, accusing eye of the dead bird. He drops the binbag and lurches away in misery. Just a prank, mate. Just a prank.
Too niche.
As was this desolation. I liked it.
The tapeworms were clearly alive when they went into the machine - but now their decomposing tangle just soils everything it touches. Gary shrugs and pockets them anyway. A win's a win.
Smirked. Did a little shoulder scrunch as well. Nice.
Just overheard IRL desolation in a pub
Drunk middle aged man: “ME MARRIAGE BROKE DOWN. LIVE IN A HOTEL NOW”
He wasn’t talking to anyone specific.
The tail end of a mid life crisis:
After burning every single bridge with anyone left alive capable of forming any true affection for him, an un-fuckable Husk jostles for position at a Wednesday night meat market, one rejection away from sudden, brutal sentience of his undeniable redundance
The following morning 1992 Masda Rx-7 glistens briefly in the beachy head sunrise, pirouetting through the sky towards the sea
If you're desperate to feed your fried chicken cravings but are lost without KFC we've got you covered.
With Cambridge's two KFCs shut because of a lack of chicken and chips it's time to discover some new fried food delights.
Here are some of the other fried chicken takeaways in Cambridge
The following morning 1992 Masda Rx-7 glistens briefly in the beachy head sunrise, pirouetting through the sky towards the sea
A man remembers how much he enjoys the M5 southbound past Bromsgrove.
Goatse wipes a tear from his eye. His time is over. A new generation.
A heron isn't supposed to rust, but this one really has.
A heron isn't supposed to rust, but this one really has.
A heron isn't supposed to rust, but this one really has.
Don't kill yourself. It is a silly thing to do.
A heron isn't supposed to rust, but this one really has.
A man, after removing five Scarface posters from the spare bedroom, puts up a baby blue wallpaper with ducks and bears on it.
His face wet with tears, glistening in the setting sun
Johnny Vegas is stranded at Dublin Airport, and has just been interviewed on Irish TV about it.
You drive past your dad who is shouting "THERE IS NO GOD!" at traffic, but decide not to stop to do anything about it.
Tuesday. Drop the kids at school, quick trip to the petrol station, torch the oncology ward. Serve the slapheaded cunts right.
Ten months later he puts the posters back up again. Seeing the ducks and bears is just too painful since that horrible, scream-filled morning.
Paul Ross is currently unloading the dishwasher. There's one plate inside. And a 2-pint beer glass
Paul Ross has tears in his eyes
Leave it out! he's put his past behind him and is currently negotiating a new TV deal with Living.
He’s bounced back! People bounce back!
32 years old, never tore down a lidl
A 5th rate Rodney impersonator realises a Generous Seagull is taking pity on him and trying to provide him with material.
Yes, the background looks bleak an all
Turds. Big ones.
Trevor puts his severed anus up for sale on Craigslist. The only replies are bots.
James reunite for a gig in Skegness. It didn't sell out.
A small bear standing on top of a bigger bear.
Going to Keighley on purpose
I've done this
CaB summer meet in chippenham ends in collective ennui. Poo doesn't turn up and nobody visits the viaduct.
Keith tries to bond with his 15 year old 'cool, in a band' stepson while giving him a life to the train station. Keith was in a classic rock band in his youth and puts on his Creed CD to try to impress. The stepson sits in total silence and scrolls his smartphone for the entire 30 minute journey.
Keith tries to bond with his 15 year old 'cool, in a band' stepson while giving him a life to the train station. Keith was in a classic rock band in his youth and puts on his Creed CD to try to impress. The stepson sits in total silence and scrolls his smartphone for the entire 30 minute journey.
Leo Sayer is spotted chewing a gone-off radish on a park bench in County Durham.
An earnest UB40 tribute band.
A ghust of the most putrid, rectal gas from the bumgut of Phil gets gasps and sniggers from the rest of the bricklaying gang.I don't know why, but this made me laugh a lot, despite its dark nature. The Barry Manilow one was good, too.
Dies of bowel cancer that night.
A crumpled up packet of 20 Rothmans is thrown on top of the coffin.
Santa is dead.
In Davidson's first autobiography The Full Monty[31] (1993), he talked about his violent and abusive behaviour towards his third wife in a light-hearted manner: "We’re like a couple of boxers. On the first occasion, I poked her in the eye by accident. I actually went for the mouth. Thank heaven I missed, I’d have fallen in. I just took a playful punch. Unfortunately I caught her completely wrong. The second time I gave her a shiner. I threw a bunch of keys which whacked her in the eye. Just for a giggle she kept blackening it up to make it look worse."
I just took a playful punch.
Danny Dyer opens up some official looking mail to find someone has just posted a blank sheet of A4.
a rich moron drills holes in his wok to make it 'go faster'
Good one!
thanks. i put the word 'rich' in it so it wasnt punching down, as i understand is the style for this new desolation, no more disabled people in the rain. fair enough i say, lets get with the times
Robert Kilroy-Silk attempts to catch "some Indians" using a paddling pool full of mulligatawny soup.
meanwhile in neighboring newport, the guitarist from Skindred gets noshed off by a dog, the roars of delighted outrage of the council workers ringing in his ears like the O2 arena
The body of a martian is found sodomized in the Blue Peter garden.
The statue of Petra the dog is taken away by forensic scientists for further investigation.
This is blatant IP theft from my deso-quest 2017 round. You’ll be hearing from my solicitor.
When is desolation quest 2018?
The body of a martian is found sodomized in the Blue Peter garden.
And DQ 2018 has been cancelled out of respect for the death of Prince Philip.
Bloody hell: http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-5589037/Pervert-51-filmed-having-sex-Staffordshire-bull-terrier-jailed.html (http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-5589037/Pervert-51-filmed-having-sex-Staffordshire-bull-terrier-jailed.html)
I am 3 foot tall, look like a dog and fuck anything. Soz mate.
A gaunt bugler mispells his Dad's name during an application to register to vote in absentia.
A series of compromises arranging themselves into a chord sequence disguised by rehersal-room stockhausen syndrome as a song sadly dribble their way out of the body of organs belonging to a brace of jeans and tshirt weekend warriors on a wednesday night battle of the bands.
As the bassist gains sentience during the bridge and fails to look the drummer in the eyes, the seven over four time signature flops over and ruptures its spleen with a quiet pop of hubris, a little dog on an even smaller bike missing the ramp and falling into a ravine to an unblinking gathering of village idiots
A series of compromises arranging themselves into a chord sequence disguised by rehersal-room stockhausen syndrome as a song sadly dribble their way out of the body of organs belonging to a brace of jeans and tshirt weekend warriors on a wednesday night battle of the bands.
Samantha Mumba
An uncooked whole chicken carcass is thrown at some workmen out of a barry hatchback and collides with a roadsign to Driotwich.
A father misses his toddler choking to death on a radish as he was crying into a hoover attachment in the next room.
lold
Birmingham holiday
"Too many black kids in the crowd tonight" thinks the geography teacher as he begins his rap battle against the student he's been trying to fuck.
His dad is bigger than your dad.
Boiled shit
Rik Waller unfriends David Dickinson on Facebook.
Linda and Tony Gilkes, from Thorntree, are refused meat pies before 9am in Berwick Hills Morrisons, Middlesbrough.Don't be ridiculous. Only a pair of 3 times a week fish and chip cunts would go whinging to the Gazette because Mozzas wouldn't sell them some pies at 8:45am. Try and keep it realistic.
The Tweenies reluctantly suck off a bus driver.