Cook'd and Bomb'd

Forums => H.S. Art => Topic started by: BlodwynPig on February 13, 2017, 08:47:30 AM

Title: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: BlodwynPig on February 13, 2017, 08:47:30 AM
Quote
Desolation
« on: September 22, 2014, 10:19:03 pm »
Things are getting far too upbeat around here for my liking.

Desolation:

A balding man in ill-fitting suit eating a dessert in a deserted, cheap diner. His eyes briefly meet mine and I understand.

Desolation:

A man just past his peak, wolfing down bad chips in a secluded alleyway before shoving them in a bin and strutting back out into the public in all his finery, but smelling of grease. I espied him down that alleway and understood.

Desolation:

A young father, already aged by 10 years trying to placate his bawling infant son on a crowded bus. His hackles rise and he nearly snaps. A younger guy steps into the breach, acting the fool, making the kid giggle and the passengers swoon. I see the sweat stains filter through the tatty t-shirt and understand.

I am happy to observe desolation. It gives me great joy and warmth.

Desolation.

"Two and a half years since I wrote that" he thinks.

"Two and a half years since happiness fluttered in my breast" he laments.

"Two and a half years since..."

He wanders to the store room and opens the deep freezer.

"It's all right, my lovely, another chapter is just beginning...." he smiles.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: spamwangler on February 13, 2017, 09:03:32 AM
the snow tracks of a pram, leading into a canal
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: pancreas on February 13, 2017, 09:26:27 AM
The blood in the shit. Not long now.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: BlodwynPig on February 13, 2017, 09:42:55 AM
The sword in the stone
The candle in the wind
The marrow in the bone
The sinner and the sinned

The stag in the wood
The arrow in the slit
The bad and the good
The blood in the shit

Costa Poetry Prize Winner, 2018
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: spamwangler on February 13, 2017, 09:43:43 AM
The blood in the shit. Not long now.

A little blood in a toilet bowl looks like a lot. It drags on for another 3 gut busting years, enough time to totally alienate all of his remaining friends and family
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: BlodwynPig on February 13, 2017, 09:46:27 AM
Dave takes his stool around the shopping mall, asking strangers "is that blood?"
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: pancreas on February 13, 2017, 09:46:41 AM
the snow tracks of a pram, leading into a canal

the snow tracks of a butcher's trolley, leading away
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: BlodwynPig on February 13, 2017, 09:49:28 AM
the snow tracks of a butcher's trolley, leading away

no footprints...either way
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: spamwangler on February 13, 2017, 10:36:49 AM
some real competition strength deso there guys
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Spoon of Ploff on February 13, 2017, 10:40:40 AM
the snow tracks of a pram, leading into a canal

ain't snow... ash
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: BlodwynPig on February 13, 2017, 10:44:59 AM
ain't snow... ash

"Není to popel, šéf, to je zmrazené sperma!"
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Spoon of Ploff on February 13, 2017, 10:53:37 AM
"Není to popel, šéf, to je zmrazené sperma!"

Do I neg you for making me use Google translate?
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Fishfinger on February 13, 2017, 11:29:49 AM
some real competition strength deso there guys

Peaking early. It's all downhill from here to page 100.

Perfect.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Fishfinger on February 13, 2017, 11:59:07 AM
Martin's mum finds a collection of cat legs in a shoe box under his bed. Inch by careful inch she slides it back into its hiding place. Extra Febreze from now on.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: pancreas on February 13, 2017, 12:01:33 PM
Martin's mum finds a collection of cat legs in a shoe box under his bed. Inch by careful inch she slides it back into its hiding place. Extra Febreze from now on.

Turns out the Febreze is not necessary. By the next day it's just bones, picked clean.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Twit 2 on February 13, 2017, 12:57:15 PM
Raped with an N64 controller.

A spilled bag of beaks.

Digestive apology.

Graham.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Glebe on February 13, 2017, 02:10:44 PM
Harald Legend paused. With the high-street sleet hitting his face, a tender thought touched his mind. Where is my son, Gary?
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: BlodwynPig on February 13, 2017, 02:51:36 PM
Harald Legend paused. With the high-street sleet hitting his face, a tender thought touched his mind. Where is my son, Gary?

Oh there he is dressed as the man from moneysupermarket.com and doing that dance. Oh, Gary...watch out for that big fella coming over.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Berthas Fat Leg on February 13, 2017, 03:52:58 PM
Ivor puts the finishing touches onto his 'Boobnoculars' - basically a normal pair of binoculars with pictures of 'birds with their tits out' prittsticked over the lens.

'This is going to be amazing' he says, to no-one in particular.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: BlodwynPig on February 13, 2017, 03:58:13 PM
Ivor puts the finishing touches onto his 'Boobnoculars' - basically a normal pair of binoculars with pictures of 'birds with their tits out' prittsticked over the lens.

'This is going to be amazing' he says, to no-one in particular.

His wank is not forthcoming having stuck the pictures on the wrong end of the boobnoculars. "damn it, damn it to hell!" he screams...scattering some pigeons by the swings.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: spamwangler on February 13, 2017, 04:54:20 PM
the lurching, hungover realization that overnight you have lost your Laryngectomy virginity
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Glebe on February 13, 2017, 04:55:56 PM
Geraldine woke from a terrible nightmare in which her husband Gregg had cooked the dog. Suddenly, a call came from downstairs.

"Grubs up, love!"

GREGG HAS NEVER COOKED A MEAL IN HIS LIFE.

Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Berthas Fat Leg on February 13, 2017, 05:11:50 PM
A wrongly-accused beagle is thumped to fuck by its owner for leaving shit all over the patio again.

The real culprit peeps from the upstairs window of a neighbouring house, smirking.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: spamwangler on February 13, 2017, 06:30:24 PM
A broke dyslectic single mum stays up till 4AM sewing writing on a t-shirt for her 18 year old son's birthday. Its a shirt of his favorite show;

Its Always Sunny In Paedophillia
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Glebe on February 13, 2017, 06:49:30 PM
Keith opens a tin of pinapple chunks. The sell-by date is 1/4/08.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Berthas Fat Leg on February 13, 2017, 08:11:35 PM
A pair of soiled pantaloons are used to garrotte a sod.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: BlodwynPig on February 14, 2017, 08:56:08 AM
Real one:

It's mid-February, the downstairs curtains of the 2-up 2-down remain resolutely closed. More befitting a deckchair than a poxy terraced house.

Still plastered to the window, two hand-made christmas decorations, a snowman and a christmas tree. Hints that something terrible has taken place beyond those shabby drapes.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Spoon of Ploff on February 14, 2017, 12:25:08 PM
"S'for shits'n giggles.... shits'n giggles" he breaths, as he scores the flesh of his left thigh with the names of the Dad's Army cast  (1968), using a broken piece off a Toby jug.


A CABer contemplates changing his avatar to this:
(https://images.aspireauctions.com/auctions/2005SEP/thumbs/10661-01.jpg)
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Spoon of Ploff on February 14, 2017, 12:28:43 PM
Real one:

It's mid-February, the downstairs curtains of the 2-up 2-down remain resolutely closed. More befitting a deckchair than a poxy terraced house.

Still plastered to the window, two hand-made christmas decorations, a snowman and a christmas tree. Hints that something terrible has taken place beyond those shabby drapes.

We've got one of those round here. Giant inflatable snow man above the porch, and external lights still up. I don't think there's anything sinister about it. I just think they're being incredibly lazy... I'm going to feel a right silly billy when news of the family massacre makes it into the local paper aren't I?
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: madhair60 on February 14, 2017, 12:53:11 PM
On one page

Desolation (https://dl.dropboxusercontent.com/u/19832728/The%20Complete%20Desolation%20Vol%201.htm)

Desolation II (http://www.cookdandbombd.co.uk/forums/index.php?action=printpage;topic=50771.0)

(Will properly archive/backup Desolation II tonight)
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Glebe on February 14, 2017, 02:15:30 PM
Felix kept his stoat Nigel in a shoebox under the bed. It was all rather sweet, until the morning he removed the lid and found that Nigel had gone rabid. With one bite, Felix was turned into a foam-mouthed zombie, and within a week the whole estate had been infected. The army were called in, and 102 zombied herberts were shot on sight. Amid the carnage, Nigel escaped and now lives happily in Burnham on Crouch with his family and other animals.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Spoon of Ploff on February 14, 2017, 04:45:53 PM
"Wasp! Wasp! Go away!!!"

The broken old man stands rigid in the middle of the street bellowing at the tops of his lungs.

But there is no wasp.

There's not even a bluebottle.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on February 14, 2017, 05:02:01 PM
Do you wish to order Baying Slappers #13?

Yes.  /    No.


The package arrives via courier within 24 hours. It contains brick dust and a maggot.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Glebe on February 14, 2017, 05:53:53 PM
It's been a rough week, but what a beautiful sunset...hang on, do you smell smoke?
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: madhair60 on February 14, 2017, 06:57:10 PM
Aaaand preserved!

Desolation 1 (https://dl.dropboxusercontent.com/u/19832728/The%20Complete%20Desolation%20Vol%201.htm)

Desolation 2 (https://dl.dropboxusercontent.com/u/19832728/The%20Complete%20Desolation%20Vol%202.htm)
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Berthas Fat Leg on February 14, 2017, 11:16:56 PM
Office penis addict Tanya doesn't want yours.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Rocket Surgery on February 15, 2017, 12:04:14 AM
Somebody, somewhere, spends over one hundred English pounds on sex toys, largely to convince the busty sales assistant that he hasn't forgotten that it's Valentine's Day.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Glebe on February 15, 2017, 12:51:15 AM
Roger Golightly was in good mood. He'd paid off his bank loan, and was all packed for a weekend in Swansea. Then the worms began, loosening his bowls and making his colon all wonky.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: BlodwynPig on February 15, 2017, 08:29:46 AM
(http://i67.tinypic.com/6i78z6.jpg)
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Spoon of Ploff on February 15, 2017, 09:26:03 AM
(http://i67.tinypic.com/6i78z6.jpg)

It genuinely makes me feel sad.[nb]that you couldn't be bothered to correct the orientation of this image[/nb]
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: BlodwynPig on February 15, 2017, 09:46:11 AM
It genuinely makes me feel sad.[nb]that you couldn't be bothered to correct the orientation of this image[/nb]

It was the right way up on my desktop. And becode has no rotation option. Fuck it. Desolation.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Fishfinger on February 15, 2017, 11:20:56 AM
A slovenly delusionist imagines guessing a Pointless answer. "There are no flies on me!" he says to himself, affecting a bad American accent. There are, though.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: pancreas on February 15, 2017, 11:50:43 AM
The pus slakes down the sickened skin congealing around the streaks of dried blood. The half-masticated sausage roll lies ejected a few inches from the mouth. The people step over the body lying in the doorway of Argos. It is spring.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on February 15, 2017, 12:08:37 PM
A haulier drains a can of San Pellegrino Pampelmousse down his escort's maw and guffaws.

Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Berthas Fat Leg on February 15, 2017, 12:47:33 PM
A sad-sack buys a dented can of peas whilst cursing missed opportunities.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: MoonDust on February 15, 2017, 01:37:30 PM
An Oxford graduate student tuts at everyone in the dole queue whilst waiting to sign on.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on February 15, 2017, 01:49:04 PM
They said I couldn't score in a Brothel fucking look at me now quivers Derek.

He volleys a football into the slag's head.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: pancreas on February 15, 2017, 03:55:08 PM
Since the Pontefract BHS shut down, the backstreet abortion clinic has had to start reusing its coat-hangers.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on February 15, 2017, 08:03:54 PM
Spock masturbates
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Berthas Fat Leg on February 15, 2017, 08:31:28 PM
A sunday school teacher literally can't stop thinking about cock.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on February 15, 2017, 08:45:47 PM
I say school teacher
I mean bird-shat-on trespassing predatory paedophile
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on February 15, 2017, 08:49:23 PM
Buy low sell high says a veteran stockbroker

Murder Japanese schoolchildren says a veteran stockbroker

Better consume this acid says a veteran stockbroker
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Cuntbeaks on February 16, 2017, 01:18:42 AM
A mother of five immolates herself in a shed,  in Wales.

A man in Greenock is beaten senseless with a wheelie bin lid.

In Port Glasgow,  an overdosing junky is dragged to a derelict to die by her friend. Her boyfriend is arriving shortly.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: BlodwynPig on February 16, 2017, 08:34:54 AM
Derelict Danniellza wins the lottery. Blows the entire (£1) win on penny chews. The price of penny chews in 2017 is £1 per chew.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Spoon of Ploff on February 16, 2017, 10:39:42 AM
A severely depressed RE teacher goes through the motions explaining the Easter story to a class of bored seven and eight year olds. They perk up some when he gives them all chocolate Easter eggs, even if they do taste a bit funny. By the end of the lesson the class has fallen eerily quiet. Better this way he thinks, they're with Jesus and the angels now. Just to make sure he picks up a large King James bible and works his way alphabetically along the rows of desks.

Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Glebe on February 16, 2017, 11:22:12 AM
"One lump or two?"

"Two please, Fred." George was worried about Fred. His cuppa addiction was getting out of hand, and as his erstwhile friend brewed another good pot, he surveyed the 127 cups laid out before him.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: the midnight watch baboon on February 16, 2017, 01:47:40 PM
A man shrivels like a salted slug at the prospect of mum ever escaping.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on February 16, 2017, 01:56:50 PM
It's Celebrity Backheel Volley A Beggar's Possessions with me Reg from The Bill

In my pants in the kitchen
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Spoon of Ploff on February 16, 2017, 02:46:01 PM
At the Pig and Monocle pub an intense interrogation of punters takes place after the Double Six goes missing from the one remaining set of dominoes. In the end, as always, they blame Terry... and everyone agrees that the glassing that follows is a genuinely cathartic experience.

Bob is triggered by a train ticket to Sittingboune he finds in an old pair of Y-fronts.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Dannyhood91 on February 16, 2017, 08:32:39 PM
Luke warm vegetable water.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Dannyhood91 on February 16, 2017, 08:34:20 PM
Congealed mung
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Dannyhood91 on February 16, 2017, 08:36:04 PM
Mick Hucknall self referring as a "Piss Wizard."
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Dannyhood91 on February 16, 2017, 08:37:07 PM
A local called The Dogs Dick
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Dannyhood91 on February 16, 2017, 08:39:11 PM
Crude limericks replace "I love you" on a valentines card
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on February 17, 2017, 12:36:12 AM
An archivist insists on a recital of W H Audens Stop All The Clocks in memory of his retired file-o-fax.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Glebe on February 17, 2017, 01:36:53 AM
Chad's eighteenth birthday party was just the best ever, until dad turned up with mum and the twins, in the guise of 'DJ Rad-Wax and the Kool Kats'.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Rocket Surgery on February 17, 2017, 03:21:13 AM
A beleaguered misfit listens to all of  'Appetite For Destruction' at 3AM and is struck by Duff's criminally underrated bass-playing.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: the midnight watch baboon on February 17, 2017, 08:00:29 AM
A bicycle gang of snarling postmen encircles a terrified milkman as his float whirrs between cul-de-sacs. The delivery war has caught ablaze.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Vodka Margarine on February 17, 2017, 08:52:42 AM
Pete's two adult children are in care and banged up respectively. The first and last time he had sex.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Fishfinger on February 17, 2017, 09:03:04 AM
Ken's reflection turns away from him in disgust.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Neville Chamberlain on February 17, 2017, 10:26:03 AM
Getting woken up in the middle of the night by a text message telling me I've used up my free data for the month.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Berthas Fat Leg on February 17, 2017, 10:36:30 AM
A 21st birthday is spent in the company of repressed aunts and fusty uncles.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: the midnight watch baboon on February 17, 2017, 11:30:00 AM
A retaliatory yoghurt bomb is lobbed into the postmen's den.  The Queen's uniforms are tarnished by the thick milk. Talk is that a postcode may have been smeared.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: BlodwynPig on February 17, 2017, 12:26:31 PM
Getting woken up in the middle of the night by a text message telling me I've used up my free data for the month.

Oh, that sums up modern life. I think this is a real winner.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Spoon of Ploff on February 17, 2017, 12:36:10 PM
a recently redundant mathematician fails to notice his local off license has short changed him... again

a recently redundant mathematician rips the local paper's Sudoku puzzle to shreds in frustration

a recently redundant mathematician stands transfixed at his ironing broad, trying to get the creases out of his knuckles... why's it taking so long? the interview starts in less than half an hour

a recently injured mathematician calculates that he still has time to dress his wounds and make it to the interview with 36.78 seconds to spare

a recently interviewed mathematician is concerned that his arrival, six days late, may effect his chances of landing the job as a lollipop lady

Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Spoon of Ploff on February 17, 2017, 12:41:30 PM
Sid Sellafield Martin can't remember the last meal he had that didn't include a plastic fork.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Berthas Fat Leg on February 17, 2017, 01:06:21 PM
His Facebook profile pic is an Audi. His Facebook background pic is an Audi. His name on Facebook is Daz 'Audi' Simpson. He doesn't dote on his children.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: the midnight watch baboon on February 17, 2017, 01:41:23 PM
A mediocre barber dies from appendicitis after eating a 'clipping pie'.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on February 17, 2017, 01:50:30 PM
A food bank operator snaps and tries to force a can Basics garden peas down a ghoul's gullet.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on February 17, 2017, 02:08:33 PM
A dementia patient sheds her skin in the exact manner of a snake then orders 'the black one' to clear it up.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Glebe on February 17, 2017, 09:53:48 PM
It's a long, humiliating walk down the corridor, with the doctor screaming  "Phimosis! Phimosis!" at your back.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: the midnight watch baboon on February 17, 2017, 10:48:53 PM
Winston does 15 air keepy ups whilst a watching milkman swigs air orange juice from an air milk bottle.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Berthas Fat Leg on February 18, 2017, 10:25:26 AM
A pained scream permeates the dank air of an Islington soup kitchen. Nearby, a Herman's Hermits song stutters to a halt.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Spoon of Ploff on February 18, 2017, 10:42:14 AM
What's this at the back of my kitchen cupboard?

Napolina Chick Peas... B.B.E:APR 2013
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: pancreas on February 18, 2017, 11:11:50 AM
What's this at the back of my kitchen cupboard?

Napolina Chick Peas... B.B.E:APR 2013

A day later you ate them with some Heinz Salad Cream. B.B.E: APR 2012
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Glebe on February 18, 2017, 03:35:01 PM
A bullied child gets a dose of the runs in the schoolyard. The headmaster calls him 'Shitpants' and the name sticks, like all runny diarrea.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Foggy Buntwhistle on February 18, 2017, 05:25:19 PM
The duck's penis explosively everts. It only meets cold stagnant water.

Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Berthas Fat Leg on February 18, 2017, 07:17:45 PM
A widower's first meal after the funeral is an arse-flavoured broth.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Berthas Fat Leg on February 18, 2017, 07:18:55 PM
An entry-level Vauxhall Astra is christened the poon-mobile.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on February 18, 2017, 07:24:11 PM
A first date centres around the subject of halitosis and sweat, and concludes with a pointedly loud closing of a door.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: pancreas on February 18, 2017, 11:01:00 PM
A protruding nail at the top of the stairs at Five Oaks Care Home trips up one after another resident as they come down for breakfast. At the bottom of the stairs Mavis's lung collapses under the weight of the collective heap of geriatrics.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on February 18, 2017, 11:16:08 PM
A squaddie watches as a dog runs off with his blown off leg. The surgeons only have a long link of sausages with which to fashion a replacement.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: pancreas on February 18, 2017, 11:28:31 PM
Vegetarian sausages.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Captain Z on February 18, 2017, 11:32:34 PM
Blazin Squad Crossroads Butlins Minehead Big Weekend 2013
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: the midnight watch baboon on February 19, 2017, 12:24:18 AM
A shopful of Turkish barbers belittle a twerp's beard, step and shite, feathery coiffuering demands in their daunting tongue as said twerp stares gormlessly into the mirror and thinks about cars.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Twit 2 on February 19, 2017, 02:09:00 AM
A well-meaning carer ends up banging nails into the foreheads of the very people he's paid to protect.

An emaciated goose lectures its companions.

A man does an extra shit at night due to stress. Existence doesn't have to be like this.

A junior baker's Excel spreadsheet is chosen to be buried in a time capsule.

A beachball is destroyed by the authorities after it causes a rape.

February's chill puts the kibosh on a beetle's mini-break.

Her genitals never stopped smelling of lentils.

A neopolitan busybody flits about town on a scooter, generating ill will at every turn.

Jonathan Franzen applies to have his testicles curtained.

A trendy bishop calls his flat 'God Fucked Me Raw Cotttage'.

The outcome of a tribunal is delayed by shenanigans.

A fairground worker uses a toddler as a peg.

A biologist translates a partially squashed slug's memoir.

Corby.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on February 19, 2017, 10:12:23 AM
Two police officers arrive at the scene of a murder.

"Christ, look at her axe wound."
"Aye, pretty brutal"
"No, not that..."
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Lisa Jesusandmarychain on February 19, 2017, 05:49:35 PM
Lee Nelson in 2017.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: the midnight watch baboon on February 19, 2017, 11:24:08 PM
A roaming somnambulist inadvertently ascends the beckoning blade of a wind farm's cruellest turbine.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Glebe on February 20, 2017, 12:07:52 AM
Is it wrong to take your dead dog on a rollercoaster? All the fun of the fair!
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on February 20, 2017, 02:03:40 PM
Gary Lineker bums a bespoke fuckhole drilled into his son's Death Star model.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Spoon of Ploff on February 20, 2017, 02:13:57 PM
A toddler licks all the lead paint off his grandads Smurf collection. And if that doesn't work, there's always the lawn darts.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Nice Relaxing Poo on February 20, 2017, 04:18:34 PM
Rory Mcgrath blackmails a beauty therapist into giving him a bi-weekly back, sack and crack wax for free.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Glebe on February 21, 2017, 01:06:53 AM
Born within the sound of Bow Bells, little Timmy Jenkins eventually succumbed to tuberculosis crying "Penny for the guy?" whilst halfway up a chimney.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: BlodwynPig on February 21, 2017, 11:56:50 AM
(https://cdnx.tribalfusion.com/media/6838056/rb4.gif)

Richard Bronson reveal easy work at home trick.

>> Reed the story now

"Richard Branson suffering from nervous Skeletor spasm. Only has days to live"
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: MoonDust on February 21, 2017, 12:46:30 PM
A seagull shits out a pull-tab from a can of Special Brew mid flight and lands in a pram, dead.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on February 21, 2017, 01:52:31 PM
A woman employs a man with Parkinson's disease because 'it's not sexual assault if he can't help it'.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: the midnight watch baboon on February 21, 2017, 01:56:28 PM
A chimney breast receives its first ever cum shot from an up and coming freak.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on February 21, 2017, 02:00:08 PM
A spoilt fat little twat son guffaws Wotsit dust onto the corpse of the family dog.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Glebe on February 21, 2017, 05:17:53 PM
William Shatner's greatest piece of acting ends up on the blooper reel.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: the midnight watch baboon on February 21, 2017, 06:47:45 PM
No one's eaten any of Martin's holiday sweets. They're pretty much the only reason he flew to Lanzarote airport.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Spoon of Ploff on February 21, 2017, 06:58:53 PM
An online petition to permanently place a giant sculpture of Jeremy Clarkson's head atop Nelson's column gains enough support to be debated in parliament.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on February 21, 2017, 11:50:13 PM
Rag that shit
Rag that shit
Go on rag that shit
Come on you tart




But vicar It Hurts
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Glebe on February 22, 2017, 04:47:10 AM
A miserable Monday is mildly improved with the discovery that your favourite brand of peas have been reduced by 1p.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Spoon of Ploff on February 22, 2017, 07:36:34 AM
A miserable Monday is mildly improved with the discovery that your favourite brand of peas have been reduced by 1p.

 A miserable Monday is mildly improved with the discovery that it is in fact a miserable Tuesday. Only three more miserable days to go before the weekend... which will be miserable.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Berthas Fat Leg on February 22, 2017, 08:25:43 AM
Helen pukes into her boots. Tonight the children can eat.

A cobbler stuffs a New Car Scent air freshener down his keks before a first date in forever.

A marmoset gets left behind.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: BlodwynPig on February 22, 2017, 08:34:10 AM
Maude reflects out of her bay window. The autumn sunshine radiating the last notes of warmth and colour of the year.

Here comes Ralph, her grandson, with his friends and that ghetto blaster.

The year is 1989, but it could be any year.

Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Glebe on February 22, 2017, 08:53:24 AM
The flan only cost £1.90p, and who cares if Mavis isn't coming to tea? I'll enjoy it on my own... stale crust and all!
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: pancreas on February 22, 2017, 12:15:44 PM
Janice has a frig over a signed photo of Michael Flatley from 1995.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: madhair60 on February 22, 2017, 12:18:08 PM
A man looks at the newspaper. Just looks at it.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Glebe on February 22, 2017, 04:19:33 PM
Ronald's caravan is now equipped with a VHS player.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Stubborn Turd on February 22, 2017, 04:27:32 PM
In a cold, dimly lit basement, a preteen girl lies in the foetal position on a mattress with broken springs. She holds herself tight but can't stop shivering. Her teary eyes are fixed on the pile of bones in the corner of the room - the skeletal remains of her three stillborns. Her new daddy insists they keep trying until they get it right.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on February 22, 2017, 06:43:55 PM
Helena Bonham Carter's biggest fan calls her 'Helena Borham Carter' at their first and only ever meeting.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Foggy Buntwhistle on February 22, 2017, 09:13:47 PM
A South Korean "K-Pop" star loses all semblance of sanity after stumbling on a 4chan thread "dedicated" to her.

Marvin fastidiously licks crisp packets "clean". Uses them for wallpaper. Only another 800 or so before the shed is fully covered.

"What night is it?" thinks Rita to herself as she finishes the bottle of Shiraz. "Tuesday! Ahh s'fine innit...."

*THWACK*
*THWACK*
*THWACK*
He's not giving up until the cunt's teef are broke.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Foggy Buntwhistle on February 22, 2017, 09:14:49 PM
pizza ristorante
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Glebe on February 22, 2017, 10:10:00 PM
A barley water-loving child is babysat by his aunt. Unaware of his preference, the poor tot spends the evening being Ribena'd into oblivion.

You go for 'a quick pint' with your dad. Eight hours later he's dancing on his own in some shitty nightclub, to James' 'Laid'.

Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: the midnight watch baboon on February 22, 2017, 11:24:52 PM
A three-legged spider is told she will lose yet another 'spiddy limb' to diabetes.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: ASFTSN on February 23, 2017, 08:42:16 AM
An emaciated goose lectures its companions.

A beachball is destroyed by the authorities after it causes a rape.

The outcome of a tribunal is delayed by shenanigans.


Exceptional.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: ASFTSN on February 23, 2017, 09:13:20 AM
Some incunabula is soiled by a hastily consumed Rustlers.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: ASFTSN on February 23, 2017, 10:26:35 AM
A Stormfront moderator is erroneously granted some time-off-in-lieu.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: ASFTSN on February 23, 2017, 10:27:58 AM
Some carefully prepared evidence in a parking meter fine dispute becomes controvertible.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: MoonDust on February 23, 2017, 10:45:39 AM
An eight month old baby wakes up crying in Leigh.

She's hungover.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Berthas Fat Leg on February 23, 2017, 10:55:27 AM
A vole is forced to smoke.

A plus-size dwarf misses the last ferry home.

An already-tragic woman is branded 'Rod Hull' by her peers.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: MoonDust on February 23, 2017, 11:18:17 AM
An idiot has her Nigel Farage tattoo covered up with a Paul Nuttall tattoo.

The result looks like neither, and she forgets to vote in the Stoke by-election.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on February 23, 2017, 01:51:14 PM
For the twenty fifth awful year the Big Break theme tune remorselessly loops around inside Moira's hollow skull.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Spoon of Ploff on February 23, 2017, 01:55:21 PM
Leon's slanket is starting to smell strongly of sour spuds... and yet he's only turned it inside out three times thus far.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on February 23, 2017, 02:09:16 PM
Women with their father's manual labour faces, made up to no discernible difference.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Bazooka on February 23, 2017, 04:51:44 PM
Michael St Pipedream and his new wife Julie Fishpond drive seven hours to go ice skating at the local rink called 'Cum Skate With Us' only to find the place had burnt down following Michael's previous visit in which he fell asleep smoking and skating in the center of the rink only three weeks before.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: pancreas on February 23, 2017, 05:55:23 PM
In pursuit of her RDA of vegetables, a nutritionist ends up vomiting two heads of celery into a client's face.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Vodka Margarine on February 23, 2017, 07:47:21 PM
"Straight or crinkle cut?" chuckles the whisky breathed surgeon to little Ben before his circumcision.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Cuntbeaks on February 23, 2017, 10:12:20 PM
A distraught father fails to get to the bedside of his dying son in time after he fails to find a parking space in the rammed hospital car park.

After her fourth miscarriage the boss lets her bring the doll in,  he enjoys watching her breastfeed it.

In a blind rage,  a man stabs himself in the thigh while attempting to replace a toilet seat.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Berthas Fat Leg on February 23, 2017, 10:55:30 PM
'Be my Yoko Ono..' thinks fuck-ugly meatbeast Martin at the Japanese girl in the chip shop window.

An arseclown flings a cluster of humbugs at a duck.

No, I didn't see Game of bastard Thrones.

Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: the midnight watch baboon on February 23, 2017, 10:55:50 PM
A toppling steeplejack regrets the crazed giggle-wanking which weighed his ladder in the splattering's favour.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Glebe on February 23, 2017, 11:48:23 PM
You organize a Quincy marathon, but forget the season 2 DVD and ruin the whole weekend. You sister-in-law will never talk to you again.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: BlodwynPig on February 24, 2017, 08:35:58 AM
'Be my Yoko Ono..' thinks fuck-ugly meatbeast Martin at the Japanese girl in the chip shop window.

An arseclown flings a cluster of humbugs at a duck.

No, I didn't see Game of bastard Thrones.

Did you see Game of Thrones las' nigh'?

...He never stops seeing it.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Fishfinger on February 24, 2017, 10:44:24 AM
Darren's navel lint smells like the sweetest cheese.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Fishfinger on February 24, 2017, 10:53:55 AM
Two boring divorcees drift towards a decade of substandard cohabitation.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Fishfinger on February 24, 2017, 11:05:12 AM
A hollowed-out tosser actually turns up to his ex's house-warming party.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Fishfinger on February 24, 2017, 11:10:14 AM
A man is prevented from hurling himself in front of a train by a paralysing heart attack.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Glebe on February 24, 2017, 01:20:42 PM
You sleepwalk into a shopping precinct naked and carrying a hosepipe.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Spoon of Ploff on February 24, 2017, 01:50:05 PM
A lonely, delusional light house keeper pretends to host a radio show for a made up island of eccentrics...

But thinking about it, can sleeping rough at Ketton windmill in Rutland be considered proper lighthouse keeping?
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Spoon of Ploff on February 24, 2017, 02:03:55 PM
Bob Martins is triggered by his nephew's ironic stylophone playing.

Sue throws an entire loaf of supermarket value bread at some coughing ducks swimming in the green effluent that boarders Sheerness Docks. She misses, and instead the rats have a field day.

In St Albans, a parking warden's crisis of conscience is abated by the sight of an old ladies cheap shopping trolley, careering down Hollywell Hill toward an unsuspecting child.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Glebe on February 24, 2017, 02:49:05 PM
You think of some funny things while having a piss or something then forget about them.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: MoonDust on February 24, 2017, 02:50:59 PM
You sleepwalk into a shopping precinct naked and carrying a hosepipe.

At least, that's the reason you give down at the police station.

You know they don't believe you.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Glebe on February 24, 2017, 07:27:14 PM
A hypersensitive introvert meditates into a state of perfect inner peace and tranquilty. When they wake up, they find themselves in the middle of rush hour Toyko.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Vodka Margarine on February 24, 2017, 09:05:48 PM
A sandwich of bacon and sausage between two slices of black toast is coined the 'Cancer Special' and becomes a Shoreditch smash hit.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: derek stitt on February 24, 2017, 10:31:25 PM
Barry Island

true desolation: an old hot dog jar, half filled with piss with the lid screwed back on, stuck on a wall of the free multi storey carpark in Barry.

non desolation: nash point further up the coast, lovely. Shame about the coast guard looking for a missing person though.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Glebe on February 25, 2017, 12:25:02 AM
Shakin' Stevens plays a town hall in Skegness. Only two people turn up - the janitor, and Shaky.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: the midnight watch baboon on February 25, 2017, 10:16:39 AM
A fool realises that the malodorous corpse of his mother can't be dissolved in Tizer.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: the midnight watch baboon on February 25, 2017, 12:44:00 PM
Edie's batch of prime pubic marmalade yields a disappointing £2.25 at the stricken abattoirsmen's cheerless fundraiser.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Steven on February 25, 2017, 12:50:39 PM
Shakin' Stevens plays a town hall in Skegness. Only two people turn up - the janitor, and Shaky.

Not mutually exclusive.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Glebe on February 25, 2017, 11:22:19 PM
Kieran will miss many things about his ex-wife, but most of all he'll miss the smell of her farts.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on February 26, 2017, 11:03:11 AM
Eight slices of long gone reformed ham disintegrate on some abandoned scaffolding.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Glebe on February 26, 2017, 11:07:25 AM
Your existential heebie jeebies take a full minute more than usual to pass.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: the midnight watch baboon on February 26, 2017, 11:20:17 AM
Alan's pupils sink to the bottom of his eyes before slowly imbuing his innards with their inky blackness.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Vodka Margarine on February 26, 2017, 12:31:04 PM
A tinpot Theresa May bristles at the sound of distant fun emanating from three or four gardens down.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Glebe on February 27, 2017, 05:19:52 AM
You have difficulty pronouncing the word 'rhomboid'.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: BlodwynPig on February 27, 2017, 08:30:36 AM
You have difficulty pronouncing the word 'rhomboid'.

whilst eating a gob full of mouldy marshmallows
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Glebe on February 27, 2017, 08:34:57 AM
whilst eating a gob full of mouldy marshmallows

In space.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Spoon of Ploff on February 27, 2017, 09:23:08 AM
You have difficulty pronouncing the word 'rhomboid'.

You have trouble drawing a rhumboid... even with a ruler and a set square and everything... a-and you're not even in space.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: BlodwynPig on February 27, 2017, 12:33:21 PM
You have trouble drawing a rhumboid... even with a ruler and a set square and everything... a-and you're not even in space.

...you're in Josef Fritzl's all new dungeon.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Sgt. Duckie on February 27, 2017, 02:48:33 PM
Just before bedtime, 48 year old Mel Bibby is standing over his toilet and squeezing an entire 50p bottle of bleach around the bowl, his reddened eyes stinging as he opens a second bottle of bleach, and does the same until empty.

He sleeps and has nightmares of crawling around a shadowy turd cellar minus a flashlight.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: pancreas on February 27, 2017, 06:15:08 PM
Tommy finally thinks things are looking up for him when a whopping five of his classmates turn up for his party. Unfortunately he discovers the next day that all his shoes have been filled with birthday cake.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: A Car With No Doors on February 27, 2017, 06:44:27 PM
A user on a popular comedy forum attempts to lift weights at the gym. "Wow, that's quite heavy already isn't it?" he chortles as he feebly works out. Nobody else laughs.

Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on February 27, 2017, 07:34:32 PM
A man's online petition to 'Hang All Peodos' gathers 1,652,542 signatures.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: the midnight watch baboon on February 27, 2017, 10:40:16 PM
A undescended poo riles Simon into founding the Immingham tea party.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Glebe on February 28, 2017, 05:43:00 AM
The local town hall shows Ken Loach's Cathy Come Home on a rainy Tuesday in November.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Berthas Fat Leg on February 28, 2017, 08:04:09 AM
"Today this could be, the greatest day of our lives" sing Take That, as Darren pulls into the call centre car park before his Saturday double shift.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Berthas Fat Leg on February 28, 2017, 08:09:13 AM
A pair of snaggle-toothed crones sit by their ailing mother's bedside, bickering over the will.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: BlodwynPig on February 28, 2017, 08:25:14 AM
A soiled g-string discarded in a remote YMCA cubicle.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Berthas Fat Leg on February 28, 2017, 09:20:06 AM
A Jeremy Clarkson apologist keeps all his scraped-off warts in a bumbag.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Berthas Fat Leg on February 28, 2017, 10:06:50 AM
Seeing your childhood sweetheart being yelled at by her thuggish husband in a Lidl car park.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: the midnight watch baboon on February 28, 2017, 11:13:10 AM
26 years after being sprayed orange and having some mini nunchaku superglued to its shell at the height of TMNT mania, a long-abandoned terrapin finally escapes the sewers that catacomb underneath Ramsey only to be promptly mauled by a pack of eels slithering to the great Ouse. 
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Glebe on February 28, 2017, 11:57:36 AM
Stephen Fry organizes a poetry recital in a tough LA ghetto. 26 are killed when criticizes the lack of knowledge regarding classical languages.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: BlodwynPig on February 28, 2017, 12:34:43 PM
Seeing your childhood sweetheart being yelled at by her thuggish husband in a Lidl car park.

She blanks you, lights up a fag and kisses the thug into a mild simmer.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Steven on February 28, 2017, 01:46:45 PM
Alex Zane writes, directs and stars in a movie about a down-on-his-luck English teacher who starts work at a school in the most deprived area of South Central Los Angeles, however after initially not seeing eye-to-eye with his immediately reluctant class of thugs and delinquents manages to motivate them into devouring the works of Shakespeare through a heart-warming sequence of combining classical English literature with street-dance and Ebonics inspiring them to put on their own production of Macbeth done entirely as a rap.

The movie is a massive success and Alex Zane is the toast of Hollywood and lauded as a modern-day Orson Welles.

Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Neville Chamberlain on February 28, 2017, 02:33:15 PM
It's your 40th birthday. Your wife has ruled out any form of sexual contact (as she has for the past four years), but promises to take you out for a meal or buy you a jumper when she's got the money. To console yourself, you buy yourself a doorway-mounted pull-up bar.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on February 28, 2017, 03:06:15 PM
A Lynch obsessed redundand discovers his attempt to have his soul encased in a door pull has been unsuccessful.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: BlodwynPig on February 28, 2017, 03:43:18 PM
Alex Zane writes, directs and stars in a movie about a down-on-his-luck English teacher who starts work at a school in the most deprived area of South Central Los Angeles, however after initially not seeing eye-to-eye with his immediately reluctant class of thugs and delinquents manages to motivate them into devouring the works of Shakespeare through a heart-warming sequence of combining classical English literature with street-dance and Ebonics inspiring them to put on their own production of Macbeth done entirely as a rap.

The movie is a massive success and Alex Zane is the toast of Hollywood and lauded as a modern-day Orson Welles.

A man, fast approaching middle-age, who calls himself Steven but whose real name is Zence, fails the audition for "fat man pushing trolley" in the hypermarket street-dance scene.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Spoon of Ploff on February 28, 2017, 04:05:21 PM
That tired looking greasy spoon down near Bushey Arches, with it's bored looking staff and defeated looking punters, has been selling stewed tea and room temperature bacon butties for twenty years now, and will continue to do so twenty years after you've gone.

Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: pancreas on February 28, 2017, 04:19:30 PM
That tired looking greasy spoon down near Bushey Arches, with it's bored looking staff and defeated looking punters, has been selling stewed tea and room temperature bacon butties for twenty years now, and will continue to do so twenty years after you've gone.

Except five years ago they got in a stock of pop tarts. The box remains unopened.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Spoon of Ploff on February 28, 2017, 04:32:30 PM
Except five years ago they got in a stock of pop tarts. The box remains unopened.

pop tarts? careful there. you could tip this one over into the euphoria thread.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Vodka Margarine on February 28, 2017, 11:31:06 PM
A gaunt stepdad eagerly volunteers to help the kids retrieve their frisbee from a pylon.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on March 01, 2017, 12:12:15 AM
A will ends 'would have loved to see your faces'.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Glebe on March 01, 2017, 07:33:33 AM
A bus driver causes fatalities thanks to his Pokémon Go addiction.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: BlodwynPig on March 01, 2017, 08:35:36 AM
The British Film Industry revival in full swing. A trio of British remakes headline the Scunthorpe Film Festival ("It Can rival Cannes")

1. A remake of Twilight called Dogging
2. A remake of The Hunger Games called Hopscotch behind the Bins
3. A remake of The Hangover called 10am at Tesco's in a Onesie
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Berthas Fat Leg on March 01, 2017, 08:59:11 AM
The man in the dog collar is led away from the pile of bodies in the hearth.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Glebe on March 01, 2017, 10:13:44 AM
A man goes to the entire run of a Peter Greenaway festival on his own.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Norton Canes on March 01, 2017, 11:00:03 AM
A teacher spots a former pupil he once coached to a Bronze Duke of Edinburgh Award drinking cans of lager in the doorway of a defunct branch of Shoe Zone
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: BlodwynPig on March 01, 2017, 11:26:05 AM
A teacher spots a former pupil he once coached to a Bronze Duke of Edinburgh Award drinking cans of lager in the doorway of a defunct branch of Shoe Zone

He knows the reasons why he's there...that Saturday evening in a tent on a windswept Scafell Pike.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on March 01, 2017, 01:42:00 PM
A Druid has his application for a pilot's license rejected.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: the midnight watch baboon on March 01, 2017, 02:57:11 PM
A bedsit dweller adds some Glaceau Smartwater to a glass of tap as a birthday treat.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Spoon of Ploff on March 01, 2017, 03:33:56 PM
A bedsit dweller adds some Glaceau Smartwater to a glass of tap as a birthday treat.

That's when he gets the idea to drink his own urine the following morning so he can savour those delicious electrolytes all over again.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Vodka Margarine on March 01, 2017, 04:57:24 PM
Matt convinces himself that Helen is the one, despite her Gordon Brown sex face.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Spoon of Ploff on March 02, 2017, 10:09:27 AM
It's World Book Day and Karen pawns her gran's antique collection of Charles Dickens so that her sprog can go to school dressed as a Hogwarts.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Glebe on March 02, 2017, 12:06:37 PM
A local DJ describes Bjork as "the Swedish Kate Bush".
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: BlodwynPig on March 02, 2017, 12:15:34 PM
A pestilent pigeon in a discarded Fray Bentos tin. Michael's first erection in 13 years.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Glebe on March 02, 2017, 12:20:52 PM
A pestilent pigeon in a discarded Fray Bentos tin. Michael's first erection in 13 years.

And yet he fails to take advantage of it. As the realization that he may have to wait another decade or so for another stirring, he suddenly becomes aware of the coos echoing around Trafalgar, like mocking laughter.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: BlodwynPig on March 02, 2017, 12:35:15 PM
Yet...Yet! A mere fortnight later a feather protruding from a rusted pie tin.

(http://metrouk2.files.wordpress.com/2009/10/pigeonpantsap_450x350.jpg)
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Glebe on March 02, 2017, 12:38:58 PM
(http://metrouk2.files.wordpress.com/2009/10/pigeonpantsap_450x350.jpg)

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tYSqqW6hH0w#t=6m19s
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: derek stitt on March 03, 2017, 02:51:47 AM
a fashion concious schizophrenic faces the 'space rays' rather than wear the empty fray bentos tin helmet provided by the NHS.

Your last meal on death row being a fray bentos pie and a glass of tizer

actually fancying eating a fray bentos pie after taking the piss out of them, as you remember the pastry being quite nice.

fancying Liz Truss
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Glebe on March 03, 2017, 07:01:54 AM
A man who has never seen a Chinaman before describes one as "compact and beige, with a hint of extraterrestrial".

The Queen refuses Gary Wilmot an OBE, because he's "not white enough", whilst giving a nazi war criminal a Knighthood and telling protestors to "Hump off!"

During a lecture at an important mental health conference, Stephen Fry quips, "Thirsty? Try Twining's tea!"

South Africa starts selling fruit again, against the advice of Nelson Mandela.com.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on March 03, 2017, 07:24:33 AM
A man notices a strewn array of severed fingers on his favourite ledge.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: BlodwynPig on March 03, 2017, 08:22:05 AM
a fashion concious schizophrenic faces the 'space rays' rather than wear the empty fray bentos tin helmet provided by the NHS.

Your last meal on death row being a fray bentos pie and a glass of tizer

actually fancying eating a fray bentos pie after taking the piss out of them, as you remember the pastry being quite nice.


A budding filmmaker ([spoiler]Oscar nominated for Minotaur[/spoiler]) bombs at the box office with his Pegg rip-off "The Fray Bentos trilogy"
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Neville Chamberlain on March 03, 2017, 10:15:59 AM
A nearly 40-year-old man argues with his wife. Afterwards, to take his mind off things, he goes into the bedroom to do an abs workout. As he performs the plank, the only thing going through his mind is "Is this what a mid-life crisis looks like?" While taking a rest between sets, he checks CaB to see if anyone has given him karma. Shoulders has. That's nice, especially since I called him a cunt the other day, he thinks to himself. OK, let's do another plank.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on March 03, 2017, 12:37:14 PM
A direct descendent of Harald Hardrada stubs his hi-techs on a betting stand.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: MoonDust on March 03, 2017, 03:19:02 PM
A fedora-sporting edge lord who's just found out his grandad he never met was Irish writes "Shin fain/IRA forever" on his voting ballot in the Swindon council elections and posts it on Instagram.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Spoon of Ploff on March 03, 2017, 03:38:19 PM
A grieving widower finds his dear departed's recipe book. His attempts to recreate her famous Drizzle Cake leave him with a wrecked kitchen and third degree burns.

The fire investigation report that followed concluded the incident was caused by the addition of a significant number of human tears to the flour, caster sugar, eggs etc rendering the cake mix highly unstable.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Glebe on March 03, 2017, 03:53:55 PM
Bodger and Badger reunite to do a signing in a Hull branch of Tesco. Nobody turns up. Not even Bodger and Badger.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Spoon of Ploff on March 03, 2017, 03:58:22 PM
Dear gods... the Pink Windmill kids reunite for Comic Relief. But where, where is Grotbags?
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Glebe on March 03, 2017, 06:35:36 PM
But where, where is Grotbags?

Police station.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: the midnight watch baboon on March 03, 2017, 11:06:31 PM
A man stealthily rearranges the stickers on a Rubik's cube in a last ditch attempt to impress his sneering gerbils.










Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on March 05, 2017, 03:54:32 PM
For some strange reason a Welsh harmony singer can now only say the word together like 'fuffeffhurgh'
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Glebe on March 05, 2017, 04:06:13 PM
You win an all-expenses-paid trip to Chicago, but end up homeless on the streets and are later shot by a trigger-happy cop.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Vodka Margarine on March 05, 2017, 08:04:11 PM
An unbecoming ratbag shows the infamous 'there's a slope on it' episode of Top Gear to his new date. Love blossoms.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Lord Mandrake on March 05, 2017, 10:02:44 PM
"She's landfill now" an irritated widower snaps at his grieving four year old son.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on March 06, 2017, 06:18:31 AM
A cold untoasted crumpet covered in grout
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: BlodwynPig on March 06, 2017, 08:42:47 AM
A cold untoasted crumpet covered in grout

wins Bakeoff 2018
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Spoon of Ploff on March 06, 2017, 09:30:43 AM
wins Bakeoff 2018

and then the murders began
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Glebe on March 06, 2017, 10:21:21 AM
A carrot becomes self-aware.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: pancreas on March 06, 2017, 10:41:23 AM
A carrot becomes self-aware.

And then the murders began.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Spoon of Ploff on March 06, 2017, 10:42:56 AM
A CaBer waits patiently and in vain for someone to turn his avatar into a cat.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: pancreas on March 06, 2017, 10:45:39 AM
A CaBer waits patiently and in vain for someone to turn his avatar into a cat.

Ahem (http://www.cookdandbombd.co.uk/forums/index.php/topic,58512.msg3067464.html#msg3067464)
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Spoon of Ploff on March 06, 2017, 10:57:31 AM
Ahem (http://www.cookdandbombd.co.uk/forums/index.php/topic,58512.msg3067464.html#msg3067464)

didn't say it was me did i
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: pancreas on March 06, 2017, 11:04:05 AM
didn't say it was me did i

You cannot use that dreadful picture. Call me a horrendous poof tyrant if you must, but I want lutenist back in a week, tops.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Glebe on March 06, 2017, 12:21:08 PM
And then the murders began.

Thankfully, the carrot was finally brought to justice... and it's all thanks to Inspector Turnip![nb]Of The Yard.[nb]The Vegetable Yard.[/nb][/nb]
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on March 06, 2017, 04:49:59 PM
A tramp watches a youtube video of Buddhist monks self-immolating while licking clean the inside of a tin of Spam.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Norton Canes on March 06, 2017, 05:09:59 PM
I've just had my last SMINT. Not ever, you understand, just the last one out of this box. I'm forlornly clicking the dispensing mechanism like a lab ape after treats.

Not especially bleak, perhaps, but I'm hoping truth lends an air of desolation.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: BlodwynPig on March 06, 2017, 05:18:54 PM
The clicking doesn't stop until she cuts off his thumb and forefinger.

"Want more Smints, bum badger?" she sardonically drawls.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Glebe on March 06, 2017, 07:08:23 PM
You wake up in the middle of a traffic jam, oh fuck! Awful!
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: the midnight watch baboon on March 06, 2017, 07:23:28 PM
The rusted #boing, boings# from the neighbours' trampoline let Su know that old Petey Dimnock is peering at her outlet pipe again.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on March 07, 2017, 07:01:02 AM
A granite faced stopout hacks up a phlegmball into her 3am Bovril.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Glebe on March 07, 2017, 05:59:03 PM
Harold knows how to fix Mr. Dilbert's window, but he'll let him freeze, the cunt.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: the midnight watch baboon on March 07, 2017, 06:37:35 PM
After thirty-three lonely years of enquiring, Martin finally concludes that no one wants to play British Bulldog. With him.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Berthas Fat Leg on March 07, 2017, 08:06:54 PM
A truant shoves a dead stoat through an old man's letterbox.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: BlodwynPig on March 07, 2017, 08:08:49 PM
Anal rape
Assault and Battery
Child neglect
Double homicide
Tax evasion
Arson
Animal abuse

Kevin clicks save as..."Curriculum Vitae"
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on March 08, 2017, 05:49:09 AM
A percolator filled with salmon bones and jizz is emptied over a motorway.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: the midnight watch baboon on March 08, 2017, 07:31:42 AM
A chub's herniated swim bladder is popped by a gang of righteous gudgeon.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Glebe on March 08, 2017, 08:03:06 AM
Society breaks down.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Neville Chamberlain on March 08, 2017, 10:04:22 AM
Society breaks down.

...on that section of the M25 where there's no hard shoulder.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: MoonDust on March 08, 2017, 11:19:38 AM
All hell breaks loose at a UKIP social event in Wigan after the pies and wine from the catering company gets delivered by two men called Ahmed and Pawel.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on March 08, 2017, 11:27:26 AM
A lowly masseuse is pelted with effluent.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Spoon of Ploff on March 08, 2017, 12:10:47 PM
A cluster of beatnik poets from Liverpool invade open mic night at the Playa - Minster on Sea. The incomprehensible scouse accents mixed with obscure references to Merseyside in the 1960s leaves the locals mostly nonplussed. Violence breaks out when one too many references to Southern Softies is made. A basket of Whelks is trampled on, and a set of Dominoes goes missing.

Everyone agree that all in all this was a better showing that the Battle of the Spinners Tribute Bands, which included three fatalities and a defaced print of the 1973 mens darts team.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: MoonDust on March 08, 2017, 12:15:14 PM
Extracts from "the best" Richard Littlejohn articles are read out at Uncle Kieth's funeral, as he most definitely would have wanted.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on March 08, 2017, 12:22:17 PM
A gruel producer notes in its financial end of term reports "an outstanding year".
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on March 08, 2017, 12:34:13 PM
A totalitarian dictatorship announces from the omnipresent loud hailers 'a sixteenth glorious year'. Your eyes are diverted by the sight of dead eyed goons panelbeating a cat to death.

The gruel kitchen came a long way in such a short time.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on March 08, 2017, 12:37:48 PM
A porn baron does a shit in a layby.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: MoonDust on March 08, 2017, 12:56:41 PM
A collapsed Soviet state, whose main export is yeast, boasts that its economy is doing better than the UK's. This isn't propaganda, it's the truth.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Lord Mandrake on March 08, 2017, 04:20:50 PM
A Tippex thinner addicted shut-in flicks a rat off his knee like it was normal.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Glebe on March 08, 2017, 06:28:57 PM
The whole of society turns into cavemen, and carry on going about their business like nothing happened.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Berthas Fat Leg on March 08, 2017, 07:49:26 PM
A bantersaurus kicks his mam in the cankles to woo a skank.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: MoonDust on March 08, 2017, 09:10:41 PM
Over a pint at his local labour club, Stanley confesses to his mates that he fancies his sister.

Rather than being told how wrong this is, "she's pretty fit, to be fair" is the only response he gets.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: the midnight watch baboon on March 08, 2017, 11:09:56 PM
A man who wears fluorescent orange trousers and a black donkey jacket without reason forgets his own birthday.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Twit 2 on March 08, 2017, 11:30:26 PM
A sable trapper finds a porn mag in an icicle.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Mr Eggs on March 09, 2017, 12:25:39 AM
"In the balance of probabilities, all we have left of these children are the DNA samples recovered from the end of his Lollipop Stick. No further questions"
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Glebe on March 09, 2017, 08:02:08 AM
The village idiot wins the Lotto and is burned in a giant wicker man.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on March 09, 2017, 08:43:08 AM
A climate scientist studies a timelapse model of ice cap melting while pondering his dysentery and divorce.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Rocket Surgery on March 09, 2017, 09:25:04 AM
Grainy Youtube footage emerges of Johnny Vegas narrowly avoiding death in a horrendous traffic accident.

As he crawls about the hard shoulder, weeping and pissing and bleeding, Harry Gration MBE sticks a microphone under his nose and asks him how he feels.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Glebe on March 09, 2017, 10:35:09 AM
'Daddy raped a gorilla' becomes a popular slogan around Havering.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Spoon of Ploff on March 09, 2017, 11:09:13 AM
Experiencing a rare bout of enthusiasm Joseph decides to retrieve his Westone Thunder 1A from the attic. The strings are so rusted they leave deep mud red stains on his uncalloused finger tips. His wrist starts hurting after just a couple of chord progressions exercises... that there 12 bar blues he vaguely remembers playing back when things were good... Later that afternoon he sells the bloody thing on ebay for a laughably low price. He just wants to be shot of it. Soon as. Fuck hope. Fuck everything.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Glebe on March 09, 2017, 11:56:43 AM
Elton John divorces, claiming he can no longer stand "the gayes".
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on March 09, 2017, 02:20:08 PM
A spoilt girl from Cleveland, Ohio calls the Sistine Chapel 'okay I guess'.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Fishfinger on March 09, 2017, 02:38:02 PM
A despair-laden fish longs to be jabbed apart by a shitty chip shop fork.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on March 09, 2017, 02:44:56 PM
An ailing Chuck Berry pisses on a Freddo.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Spoon of Ploff on March 09, 2017, 02:51:54 PM
an isolated community living in the forest of dean is deliberately infected with iPods.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Fishfinger on March 09, 2017, 02:59:06 PM
A gaunt drunk draped in the remnants of a Clash t-shirt staggers through a Bilston backstreet.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Fishfinger on March 09, 2017, 03:04:18 PM
A forlorn webcam aficionado refreshes a defunct page for the 813th time.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Fishfinger on March 09, 2017, 03:10:46 PM
A forlorn webcam performer applies for a till job at Lidl.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Dannyhood91 on March 09, 2017, 04:03:30 PM
A father and son reunite through Grindr.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Rocket Surgery on March 09, 2017, 05:11:21 PM
The grieving spouse of a murdered giant feels nostalgic for the frigid, zombie-fucked wasteland of Hardhome.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Glebe on March 09, 2017, 07:11:25 PM
It's a lonesome Saturday night, but Mr. Puddins has a lovely, lovely bowl of Angel Delight and some Yu-Gi-Oh! DVDs to watch. 51, he was.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on March 09, 2017, 08:03:32 PM
Michael Schumacher's "Number 1 Stalker" trespasses onto hospital grounds and wanks over CCTV footage of a muscle spasm.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: the midnight watch baboon on March 09, 2017, 11:03:05 PM
A chip shop worker steals some bucket batter for unnecessary nebulising.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Berthas Fat Leg on March 10, 2017, 09:47:20 AM
A meatbeast genuinely believes The Walking Dead is going from strength to strength.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Glebe on March 10, 2017, 11:55:47 AM
An elephant does all diarrhea all over you.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Berthas Fat Leg on March 10, 2017, 12:45:35 PM
A carbuncle thrives on a penis.

Repressed anguish is concealed under a gunt.

Nil-Nil

Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on March 10, 2017, 01:32:12 PM
A redundant sheet metal press operative wakes up from his nightmare of being raped to his reality of being raped.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Berthas Fat Leg on March 10, 2017, 01:35:33 PM
A former beauty queen now resembles Bites Yer Bum-era Billy Connolly.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on March 10, 2017, 01:38:11 PM
A rust belt wingnut cries about being A Gay.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Spoon of Ploff on March 10, 2017, 05:02:38 PM
Collin stares at the sea water fish poster in his local fish and chip shop. He gives them all the names of his favourite footballing players from the 1978-1979 season. He shuns the fresh water fish poster. Only an idiot would name a fresh water fish Ray Wilkins.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Vodka Margarine on March 10, 2017, 07:51:51 PM
You spot a giant, weatherbeaten St George's flag partially tacked to the front of a house. That must be there for the Six Nations, you try to kid yourself.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on March 11, 2017, 07:47:22 AM
In the middle of thinking of the right adjective to describe grass, Andrew Motion's toffo glides towards his windpipe.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Angrew Lloyg Wegger on March 11, 2017, 12:00:24 PM
His 'just in case' condom expired yesterday. He still can't bear to throw it out.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Glebe on March 11, 2017, 05:09:17 PM
Keith turned down the party invite to sit in a dark room watching old VHS tapes of To the Manor Born.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: the midnight watch baboon on March 11, 2017, 06:23:37 PM
Clive sips from a warm bottle of Rolling Rock in Sonya's waiting room. He ignores the pube on the bottle neck.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Lord Mandrake on March 11, 2017, 09:14:01 PM
Sound-tracked by Justin Timberlakes "Cant Stop The Feeling". An Ilford Cabbie accelerates into a War memorial, causing minor damage.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: derek stitt on March 12, 2017, 03:21:52 PM
True desolation - the place where the designer of Concorde was educated is now a housing estate where a man convicted of having sex with a horse lives.

Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Glebe on March 12, 2017, 03:27:15 PM
Peter Andre is invited to do an extended set at your retirement do.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Spoon of Ploff on March 12, 2017, 08:20:04 PM
through intensive training Morris learns the art of lucid dreaming. now he masturbate to the lingerie section of his collection of Kays catalogues while he's asleep at night as well as during the day.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: BlodwynPig on March 13, 2017, 08:37:26 AM
A coked-up. bloated and broken Robbie Fowler, approaching hypothermia in the wee hours after the finale of Channel 4's The Jump. Echoes of "Robbie! Robbie! Robbie!" still traced on the icy wind. They were not shouting his name in approval.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Berthas Fat Leg on March 13, 2017, 11:34:15 AM
Rock DJ is played at a shelf-stacker's funeral.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Neville Chamberlain on March 13, 2017, 11:43:25 AM
A man drives home, pondering how he's going to tell his wife and son he's just been sacked for wanking in a forklift.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: BlodwynPig on March 13, 2017, 12:40:04 PM
A man drives home, pondering how he's going to tell his wife and son he's just been sacked for wanking in a forklift.

He decides to keep schtum only for the CCTV footage to go viral mere hours later.

The denouement: He blows his brains out whilst listening to Louise Minchin titter about the incident on BBC Breakfast.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Vodka Margarine on March 13, 2017, 01:19:17 PM
A man who impersonates the 90s rapper who went "I'm a white man, I'm a white man" blocks access to a man who impersonates the 90s rapper who went "I talk, talk, talk to you" in the car park behind the first and last Rave4Ever Xperience in Southsea.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Glebe on March 13, 2017, 01:20:08 PM
Tony Blair gets beatified.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on March 13, 2017, 01:52:42 PM
A proposal for marriage happens in a Slug and Lettuce.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: buttgammon on March 13, 2017, 02:00:45 PM
You see a toddler holding a four-pack of cheap lager in a pushchair in Lidl. On the way out, your bag breaks and you smash pasta sauce everywhere.

This would never happen in the nice Lidl up the road.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Bazooka on March 13, 2017, 03:47:42 PM
Stanley Fishlips gets the day of his parents joint funeral wrong,everyone wonders where he is, he is in a queue waiting to see a live recording of Lose Women and his phone is off. 
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Spoon of Ploff on March 13, 2017, 04:25:07 PM
On babysitting duties Tom attempts to entertain his niece and nephew with his rendition of Monty Pythons Book Shop Sketch. They don't laugh. He does it again. They still don't laugh... what's wrong with them? He does it again with emphasis and explanations. They're looking scared now. He does it again.

His sister receives a call from a panicked neighbour five minutes into a screening of La La Land. Over the music and loud tutting she can make out the sound of sirens coming down the phone.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Bazooka on March 13, 2017, 04:43:10 PM
Judith Fitzgordon has a date with a real looker she met at the local fish mongers, he cancels during a call to her as he chokes on a cockle.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: ASFTSN on March 13, 2017, 05:28:03 PM
Some iron filigree is bedizened by a KFC Dirty Louisiana burger.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: the midnight watch baboon on March 13, 2017, 11:17:23 PM
A brothel is ram raided by pink-headed brothers. Their booty is a basket of thus unlaundered sperm towels, which the bungling bros burn in a stinking rage in their mum's lean-to.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on March 13, 2017, 11:21:55 PM
Angus breaks up with his wife, but she can't hear him over the sound of the combine harvester.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Glebe on March 14, 2017, 06:13:39 AM
You take a year out to achieve the highest score in Donkey Kong, but someone pulls the plug when you're 1 point away from victory.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: BlodwynPig on March 14, 2017, 08:37:53 AM
Trying to find a picture of mook in that Ghost dress. I want to photoshop it into google maps and post on the requisite thread "I've found mook!".

Days of scouring google images.

A visit from the IT department. My account revoked. Police called.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Spoon of Ploff on March 14, 2017, 09:18:32 AM
An agitated gent in a tweed jacket wanders up and down a drenched Stafford high street, a small boys tattered coat tucked under his arm... cerulean blue... blue for a boy.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on March 14, 2017, 01:55:48 PM
A rent boy finds a Twirl wrapper in his arse cheeks

How did that get there

I mean seriously fuck sake


...Oh right yeah



That
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: the midnight watch baboon on March 14, 2017, 02:23:22 PM
Thank God the rasp of a backfiring putting machine muffles his wife's sobs.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Norton Canes on March 14, 2017, 03:33:00 PM
A deck chair leg crushes a drowsy bee
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Glebe on March 14, 2017, 05:59:31 PM
Christopher Lambert attempts to revive his career by appearing as an extra in Leprechaun 8: Back on the Rainbow! (straight to VHS).
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on March 14, 2017, 10:31:17 PM
An edgelord is edged out of a room by a Lord.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: pancreas on March 14, 2017, 10:32:08 PM
An unexpected jerk when reaching for some toilet roll sends an engagement ring careering into the pan.

It was the morning after a night of Guinness and vindaloo.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: the midnight watch baboon on March 14, 2017, 11:13:49 PM
The reverse engineering of the last fur trout is undermined by the subsequent failure to reassemble its exploded parts.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on March 14, 2017, 11:21:41 PM
An elephant trunk made out of rolo yoghurt pots wins first prize in a school competition.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: the midnight watch baboon on March 14, 2017, 11:36:34 PM
Brian spends a Sunday reducing his anogenital distance with a former lover's ratchet set. 
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: pancreas on March 15, 2017, 11:14:44 AM
A well-meaning nurse pours out a nice cup of hot tea for a victim of third degree burns. Unfortunately …
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on March 15, 2017, 11:20:10 AM
There is no victim
There are no burns
There is no nursing qualification, let alone well meaning

Hot tea hits abraded lineoleum.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Joy Nktonga on March 15, 2017, 07:33:28 PM
Only two Desolations so far today?

RIP Desolation? Say it ain't so.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Spoon of Ploff on March 15, 2017, 08:29:44 PM
Only two Desolations so far today?

RIP Desolation? Say it ain't so.

Desolation posters begin saving their A material for Desolation Quest 2017, but unfortunately...
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: pancreas on March 15, 2017, 10:08:07 PM
… dead soon.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: derek stitt on March 15, 2017, 11:41:57 PM
Just out of sheer pig headedness a young woman refuses to go accompany her brother on his desire to visit every football league ground in Britain but, rather decides to live her life as each one of 70 odd gender options on facebook. She gets to gender 13 before her cunt falls out. The brother, incidentaly, is at Tannadice.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on March 15, 2017, 11:43:08 PM
A cashier gets a pig in a headlock
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Vodka Margarine on March 16, 2017, 12:54:27 AM
A bored old man rates his own grandchildren in order of ugliness.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Lord Mandrake on March 16, 2017, 11:36:13 AM
Trevor is delighted at the opportunity to say 'counter-intuitive' but once again the buzzing sound is all that emerges from his fire damaged lips.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Bazooka on March 16, 2017, 01:37:12 PM
Billy Badback falls asleep mid wank, door unlocked as his 30 strong group of relatives come around for his famous pancakes on Shrove Tuesday, appetite lost.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on March 16, 2017, 02:16:55 PM
Gerry Ontophile realises why for the last 34 years his friends have called him 'Ger'.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: the midnight watch baboon on March 16, 2017, 02:29:39 PM
A chronically constipated man's first big poo in a month is tantalisingly close to the drop and plop when it's scared back inside by the footfalls of an obese crow on the guttering.

It is never seen or felt again.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Berthas Fat Leg on March 16, 2017, 02:36:13 PM
An ectomorph necks on with a bag of sick.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: BlodwynPig on March 16, 2017, 02:43:01 PM
A high-stake, risk-wank in a secluded Burnley park is interrupted by a crawling, grinning Peter Kay broadcast-bombing a Carol Kirkwood weather forecast.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Bazooka on March 16, 2017, 03:03:00 PM
A man starts downloading a torrent of every Coronation Street episode on dial up, his microwave burger is cooking and he can't wait to start his marathon viewing session. 1kbps download speeds and the microwave has already dinged.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: MoonDust on March 16, 2017, 03:10:45 PM
A fight in a Sainsbury's car park is ended by no one.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Kane Jones on March 16, 2017, 03:39:16 PM
A fight in a Sainsbury's car park is ended by no one.

This reminds me of some real life desolation;

A vicious fight breaks out between two local farmers at The Staghunter’s Inn, Brendon. As fellow villagers rush in to stop the brawl, the landlord shouts; “No! Let ‘em sort it out natural.”
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: MoonDust on March 16, 2017, 03:52:33 PM
Real life desolation; an old man celebrating his son's wedding gets glassed in the face in the beer garden after making homophobic remarks in a heated debate about homosexuality with a group of younger people.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: derek stitt on March 16, 2017, 05:59:02 PM
smashing up the conservatory because your wife thinks that your gift of autopederasty would not be a good act to showcase on britains got talent
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Vodka Margarine on March 16, 2017, 08:55:45 PM
A berk stumbles home alone on St. Patricks night with his penis still painted 'dead cert' green.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: spamwangler on March 16, 2017, 09:31:42 PM
thats one for the Dark Wank Bank

thinks drew, overtaking a multiple car pile up on the M1

Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: MoonDust on March 16, 2017, 09:51:00 PM
A domestic spat escalates into smashed plates and furniture over a tin of Spam.

A tin of Spam that was won at last week's bingo.

A bingo game for a local fundraising event.

A fundraising event to fix the gutter on the local social club.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: MoonDust on March 16, 2017, 09:59:45 PM
The phrase "Spam up" is uttered as a sincere condolence to a bereaved pensioner.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on March 16, 2017, 11:22:09 PM
Get your arsehole Felch-Ready by popping an everlasting gobstopper up there an hour before session commences.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Angrew Lloyg Wegger on March 17, 2017, 12:39:21 AM
A bored old man rates his own grandchildren in order of ugliness.

The one born with half a face only gets ranked second place
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Cuntbeaks on March 17, 2017, 08:59:20 AM
A pair of American Tan tights and a used tampon float in a puddle of piss outside a closed Sue Ryder shop in Wrexham.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Vodka Margarine on March 17, 2017, 10:17:59 AM
Jacob Rees-Mogg gets laid and you don't.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Spoon of Ploff on March 17, 2017, 10:30:19 AM
A despised quadriplegic gets used to the taste of cornflakes and piss.

A woman laughs hysterically as she reads her dead daughter's dream diary


Quote
A bored old man rates his own grandchildren...
would... would... wouldn't... hmmmmm, would...
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Glebe on March 17, 2017, 04:10:11 PM
A man calls off his wedding and spends the day in Bogner, contemplating.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on March 17, 2017, 04:15:57 PM
A PIZZA KEBABS BURGERS wretch mothballs his rockery.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: the midnight watch baboon on March 17, 2017, 10:17:21 PM
Kevin is sent to his room by his wife.

A pale, five-limbed dog poo reminds a passer-by to pay his annual visit to his vegetative brother.

A small bastard hurls a Frosties breakfast bar at a zoo tiger.

A captain of the Rochdale mafia attempts to extort expired cans of Monster from an unmoved proprietor of Martin McColl.


Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Nice Relaxing Poo on March 18, 2017, 06:14:07 AM
A 54 year old stay at home bachelor burns through his inheritance from his mum in 2 days on Babestation stranglewanks.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on March 18, 2017, 08:42:41 AM
A gaunt, self-styled 'highwayman', discovers his latest youtube rap has been downrated by a fat ponce.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Glebe on March 18, 2017, 01:02:46 PM
Stephen Fry offers to donate twenty tons of Twinings tea to children with worms burrowing through their eyes.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Spoon of Ploff on March 18, 2017, 03:46:19 PM
Richard Clayderman tribute act haggles in vain over the cost of repairing his Casio CTK-1100
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on March 18, 2017, 06:29:50 PM
A toadstool pierces through a condom from a four minute long shag in 1996.

In a completely unrelated event, an official merchandise About A Boy coffee mug is flung into a skip.

Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Berthas Fat Leg on March 18, 2017, 07:29:00 PM
One up the bum - a lot of harm done.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: BlodwynPig on March 18, 2017, 07:42:10 PM
One up the bum - no harm done. He's dead anyway.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Berthas Fat Leg on March 18, 2017, 07:46:18 PM
And the dead can't call the police.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: BlodwynPig on March 18, 2017, 08:20:42 PM
and I am the police anyway.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: non capisco on March 18, 2017, 11:46:38 PM
Davey Webb buys six Grolsch for six pounds and anticipates a night in with these tins and the final part of 'The Hunt For Britain's Paedophiles' on YouTube. Happy 40th, Davey.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Glebe on March 19, 2017, 03:39:41 AM
A hyper-sensitive posho ends up destitute, his micro-nap dreams haunted by the comfort of forest elves, which fade to grim cold city grey.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Cuellar on March 20, 2017, 09:08:17 AM
A used condom on a hotdesk.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on March 20, 2017, 10:28:52 AM
An impotent PE teacher sings the lyrics to God Is A DJ while standing pantless in the middle of his gymnasium.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on March 20, 2017, 02:12:56 PM
A street sweeper turns his face to the gale, letting the coruscating dank consume him forever.

GOT 50 P FER BUS MATE

The dream shattered, he knocks the vagrant clean out.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Spoon of Ploff on March 20, 2017, 03:12:57 PM
It's the day before the reenactment and a detachment of Sealed Knot Roundheads dump two crates worth of Carlsberg Special Brew into a wooden barrel... you know... to make it more authentic like.

Later, those still standing decide to shoot up a nearby wood with musket fire. They return an hour later triumphantly carrying the carcass of a muntjac they'd managed to corner and club to death. They sling it over a sputtering fire. "Did they have muntjacs in them days?" asks a newsagent from Illmington. "Sfck cares!" replies an IT specialist from Sarrat.

No one notices that Bob, the postman from Bushey, is no longer with them. A stray shot has left him laying face down under an oak tree. The blood and brain plastered across it's truck is shaped like a lazy question mark.



Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: MoonDust on March 20, 2017, 03:20:35 PM
Grandad upsets the family again.

This time over a pack of fags he gave to his grandson for his 10th birthday.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on March 20, 2017, 06:17:40 PM
A restaurant plays The Best of UK indie 2004 for a good two hours.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on March 20, 2017, 06:19:30 PM
Richard Hammond 'fine' after motorbike crash.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Vodka Margarine on March 20, 2017, 07:22:55 PM
A disaffected bumblebee drowns slowly in a tin of strawberry Nurishment.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Glebe on March 20, 2017, 08:09:17 PM
A lad contracts myxomatosis. When his parents visit him in hospital later, he has giant ears and bucked teeth.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: the midnight watch baboon on March 20, 2017, 11:39:54 PM
Tom giggles at his sloe, brown urine.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Glebe on March 21, 2017, 01:10:16 AM
Britain's Lion and Unicorn have a scrap, and the Lion ends up with a punctured lung. And from the strong came forth sweetness, but the honey within is well rancid at this stage!
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: BlodwynPig on March 21, 2017, 08:55:45 AM
A giggling twit giggles through a holocaust.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Spoon of Ploff on March 21, 2017, 09:15:13 AM
A hungover father threatens a carsick child.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Berthas Fat Leg on March 21, 2017, 10:54:39 AM
A bigot is beaten up by a bigger bigot.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Bazooka on March 21, 2017, 12:38:55 PM
A George Formby super fan sells his wife's wedding ring to buy tickets to see him live at Brighton pier, 55 years too late.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: MoonDust on March 21, 2017, 01:33:24 PM
A George Formby super fan becomes a window cleaner in the hopes he can perve on women through their bedroom windows.

10 years with no "success", he finally manages it.

A month later, he breaks down in tears in court, not because of his guilty charge, but because he remembers he burnt all his George Formby memorabilia 9 years previously in anger that "George lied to him", and is reminded at how and why it came to all this.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: MoonDust on March 21, 2017, 01:37:36 PM
A man drags his bored and tired family around the seafront of Blackpool for four solid hours in the pursuit of the perfect stick of "Blackpool rock".

He hasn't even heard of George Formby.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on March 21, 2017, 01:48:19 PM
A landowning Tory dumps a trailer's worth of dilapidation on the drive and barks at his Thai bride to 'sort this shit out'.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Bazooka on March 21, 2017, 02:01:44 PM
Richard St Crystal calls his son on the first day of his new job at the abattoir, he has accidentally stunned his balls to smithereens after he misjudged the movement of frantic cattle. His son Rory MUST continue the lineage.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: MoonDust on March 21, 2017, 02:07:34 PM
A bank loan for a one-man company offering "discount vasectomies for you and your family" is approved with no questions asked.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on March 21, 2017, 02:10:49 PM
A Transnistrian smegma collector successfully renders his first bust.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Spoon of Ploff on March 21, 2017, 07:01:50 PM
Never mind the contents of his hard drive, it was the state of his keyboard that triggered unprecedented levels of revulsion.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: the midnight watch baboon on March 21, 2017, 08:53:44 PM
An impromptu bukkake session in a Coventry sauna forever stains the nostrils and souls of all who knew her.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on March 21, 2017, 09:58:15 PM
They assume it was a her. You could barely tell under the faeces.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Glebe on March 21, 2017, 10:50:43 PM
A worried goose nicks a Nice biscuit off a picnic blanket.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: the midnight watch baboon on March 21, 2017, 11:25:23 PM
A newbie Samaritan Rick-rolls a glum milkman who has emailed in regarding his sadness.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: MoonDust on March 22, 2017, 08:13:06 AM
A teacher who took early retirement joins Facebook for the first time. Zero Facebook friends, public profile, and his first ever post; "I may be fat but my cock is massive. Give me a message. P.S. the back of my van is only available on weekends."

He notices his sister on there and adds her without a second thought.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Glebe on March 22, 2017, 11:32:25 AM
For this year's Clean for the Queen, Stephen Fry encourages a boy with worms burrowing out his eyes not to expect pity and "vacuum your village!"
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: MoonDust on March 22, 2017, 11:41:33 AM
"The year is 2017CE on planet earth. Though feudalism is long in the dustbins of history, The United Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern Ireland actually had a campaign called 'Clean for the Queen.'

The Great British public love it."


Thus reads the memo from Galactic Ambassador Xorolajx to HQ as to why it's still too early to make contact with humans on earth.

Xorolajx just hits the "send" button when his spaceship is hit by a piece of space junk, thus knocking his ship into a death spiral as it burns up in the earth's atmosphere.

The one piece of metal remnants of the craft lands at the feet of a Job Seeker's Allowance recipient just as he's finished a tiring day of sweeping the streets for Her Majesty.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on March 22, 2017, 12:51:28 PM
Joss Stone finds the grip from off a bicycle handlebar in her vadge.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Bazooka on March 22, 2017, 01:01:45 PM
Fergus McFitz doesn't have asthma but loves inhalers, he even registers with new GP practices every week in order to try and get more prescriptions.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: jenna appleseed on March 22, 2017, 10:56:04 PM
A genuine inhaler user and art student slacker repeatedly takes extra puffs, getting very briefly high & giggly off them.  Each time it's followed by him insisting it didn't do anything, & mates trying to convince him he really did just get slightly stoned. Eventually he announces he needs to slow down on using them before his dr gets suspicious of how quickly they're needing replacing.

Real life 90s actually seemed like fun to watch at the time desolation (that and their huffing of fixative/glue spray from jam jars & the resulting wacky hi-jinks.)

One of the three, at least once, peeled pvc glue off their hands while heading down the corridor & stairwell in the hope of convincing a passing "remedial" student that they'd got leprosy.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Glebe on March 23, 2017, 02:48:09 AM
Young Billy's excitement for this year's family summer holiday was building steadily, when Father suddenly revealed to him that they were going to 1950's Russia. As the cold chill of miserable disappointment set in, from out of nowhere came wafting on the breeze a forgotten paean to bleakness... the theme to World in Action (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=95qLDc7zwYY).
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: the midnight watch baboon on March 23, 2017, 08:12:39 AM
Nidge rips the tarp off the BMX-shaped present from dad. It's kindly Mr Thorpe from next door, his rheumy body twisted and stamped into an exciting bike shape! Better thank dad, Nidge- his eyes are wilding again.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Dannyhood91 on March 23, 2017, 12:53:50 PM
Sheilas in denial about the incident in the pantry.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on March 23, 2017, 02:21:53 PM
What are the odds that a pikelet, a crumpet, and a breadcake all purchased in 2005 would contain signs of Christ's Resurrection?

Derek is finding out.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Spoon of Ploff on March 23, 2017, 02:29:22 PM
Three quarters of the way through the interview and Sam realises he's been playing with a biro throughout.

He decides the best thing to do is draw attention to it with an amusing comment.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Spoon of Ploff on March 23, 2017, 03:48:35 PM
A super market value teabag get's its fifth dunking.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Vodka Margarine on March 23, 2017, 04:59:06 PM
A cleaner realises he's run out of people to tell his "I wiped the floor at the awards ceremony last night" joke. He decides to find some new imaginary friends.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: the midnight watch baboon on March 23, 2017, 10:10:14 PM
A zoo elephant is goaded by Flappy, the zoo elephant mascot.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on March 23, 2017, 10:30:13 PM
A man wakes up to another day of covering up his left-back's rapes and drug driving charges.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Vodka Margarine on March 24, 2017, 01:31:59 PM
Morrissey goes corset shopping.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on March 24, 2017, 02:04:18 PM
Donatella Versace resolves to keep a meticulously logged dream diary which she will update every day, every sleep, every nap in vivid lurid detail until her death.

Zero entries.

She fucks it off after a week.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: MoonDust on March 24, 2017, 02:40:07 PM
Immediately after a time machine is invented, Richard Littlejohn travels back to 1914 to enlist in the British army with the intention of then returning to 2017 to write a column about it so that "leftist snowflakes" can see how without the likes of patriots like Littlejohn and Are Brave Boys, we'd all be speaking German.

By 1915 he's already losing his patriotic vigour as the horrors of trench warfare hits home hard. He's about to travel back to 2017 when he gets blinded in a gas attack in Ypres and lives out his days eating mush from a copper pipe.

Back in 2017, the Mail has a 4-page spread to commemorate his bravery.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Glebe on March 24, 2017, 03:43:08 PM
The 'show me where he touched you' doll goes missing, so Keith Chegwin ends up putting his hand on Fozzie Bear's crotch. Mike Read is subsequently visited by police.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: the midnight watch baboon on March 24, 2017, 11:21:03 PM
An ant fails to eat his way out of a spilt gum infection.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Glebe on March 25, 2017, 03:47:21 AM
A 53 year-old man reaches level 1000 in an online rpg, then deletes his character - chaos dwarf 'Grimmage' - and cries about his life.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Nice Relaxing Poo on March 25, 2017, 05:24:20 PM
Steven Bannon pays a hooker $1000 to suck his toes. It's his favourite relief for his severe athlete's foot.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: the midnight watch baboon on March 25, 2017, 11:44:11 PM
A 46 year old man watches a snuff film whilst sat on the bench behind the tills in Morrisons.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: buttgammon on March 26, 2017, 12:00:58 AM
A Ricky Martin tribute act.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Glebe on March 26, 2017, 02:58:25 AM
An earwig crawls over a discarded Peter Andre gig ticket.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Fishfinger on March 26, 2017, 05:04:31 AM
An autopsy confirms that 6-year-old Jenny's complaints about a persistent earworm were in fact fully justified.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Fishfinger on March 26, 2017, 05:06:31 AM
Tramps take turns to shit into a Greggs bag.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Fishfinger on March 26, 2017, 05:08:22 AM
Stacey gives birth to a steak bake.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Fishfinger on March 26, 2017, 05:15:47 AM
.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on March 26, 2017, 07:57:53 AM
A cat scan is used in a cat scam
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Glebe on March 26, 2017, 02:23:34 PM
Andrew Neil spends twenty minutes trundling around a Tesco's in Bournemouth, before finally giving in and asking a fellow shopper for help. He is informed that the ready meal section is next to the salad counter, and, heaving a sigh of relief, quickly locates his microwave spag bol and heads over to the express checkout lane. It is only a temporary victory, however, and he is foiled again; the dreaded 'Unexpected item in the bagging area' alert causes mild palpitations in the aortal regions, and their is nary a single shop assistant to be seen. He is later mistaken for a local wino while enjoying a Cornetto on the prom.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Cuntbeaks on March 26, 2017, 08:03:22 PM
A balding autism takes his mother to a China Buffet King in Blackpool for Mother's Day.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on March 26, 2017, 10:09:25 PM
After Haverfordwest gets its own Primark, the mayor excitedly declares the town will 'never be the same again'.

Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: madhair60 on March 27, 2017, 09:51:11 AM
An expired schoolteacher attempts in vain to resuscitate her destroyed calico cat.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Glebe on March 27, 2017, 10:33:53 AM
A man spends his honeymoon buying stamps for his collection, while his wife rogers a muscular milkman.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Spoon of Ploff on March 27, 2017, 11:44:55 AM
In comparison to another morning's struggle with his bowel movements Toms finds anything else the day has to offer somewhat trite.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: derek stitt on March 27, 2017, 02:01:06 PM
A John McCririck themed anything.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: MoonDust on March 27, 2017, 02:25:25 PM
A John McCririck toby jug ends up being Keith's favourite 60th birthday present.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Glebe on March 27, 2017, 06:18:44 PM
A man opens a banana but it's all full of ants.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on March 27, 2017, 06:26:08 PM
A man holds a volume of Alan Clarke's biography as a comfort blanket. The Britain he knew is falling apart.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: the midnight watch baboon on March 27, 2017, 11:28:08 PM
Dad works through Jamie's suicide by announcing a January '18 weekend in Bridlington through J's Dalek vocoder.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on March 27, 2017, 11:56:46 PM
A railing inspector locates a defect in the casting.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Glebe on March 28, 2017, 12:35:40 AM
A bloke wears Pampers because "they're all lovely and snuggly and cosy and warm."

46, he was.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on March 28, 2017, 01:45:26 PM
A father returns home to find his exact likeness being repeatedly hit by a chair in the latest WWE PS4 game.

Steven? I wasn't expecting you home so early!

She carries on. His bumpmapped doppelganger descends to the floor.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Spoon of Ploff on March 28, 2017, 08:17:23 PM
A pink shirt fails to become a symbol of rebelliousness at an inner city comprehensive school.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: the midnight watch baboon on March 28, 2017, 09:25:17 PM
A curdled lactation is scraped from a musty blazer.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Glebe on March 29, 2017, 02:19:43 AM
A man visits Northern Ireland and gets Colerained into the back of next week.

Bamber Gascoigne is caught twerking at a bus stop.

A man squeezes a stress ball until it explodes in his muggy face.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Lord Mandrake on March 29, 2017, 09:39:41 PM
A Watford based Zumba instructor steals a roll of bin liners.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on March 29, 2017, 09:54:24 PM
A shelf filled with kestrel corpses collapses onto a garage floor.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: the midnight watch baboon on March 29, 2017, 10:40:04 PM
A postman hides a stolen Argos pen in an unfurled leek. He then re-furls this small pen in the same leek.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Fishfinger on March 30, 2017, 03:56:13 AM
A deformed child capers as a goldfish chokes on a newly-introduced stickleback.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Berthas Fat Leg on March 30, 2017, 09:21:41 AM
A Star Trek - Voyager fan smashes his knuckles in on a chipboard wall that has been the only constant in his life.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Berthas Fat Leg on March 30, 2017, 10:01:23 AM
Flustered ectomorph Barry accidentally slams a glass door into the face of his oneitis. A hunky Colin comes to her assistance.

Later that day Barry stands in the card-only queue at Lidl, cash in hand.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on March 30, 2017, 03:54:54 PM
A parcel full of shin pus bursts on a courier.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: MoonDust on March 30, 2017, 05:56:34 PM
Pete mutters "selfish bitch" to himself when he wakes up on his 60th to find he's not received anything from his wife.

It's only later on as he's forking through his chip shop pie that he remembers she's dead.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: DangledTeeth on March 30, 2017, 06:59:18 PM
A man feels completely envious after watching Midnight Express.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: batwings on March 30, 2017, 09:34:14 PM
A woman sharts loudly at her granddaughter's funeral. Bubbles.

A death bed wank is interrupted by a hospice nurse. It is never completed.

For sale. Baby nappies. Soiled. Discreet packaging.







Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Glebe on March 31, 2017, 01:32:07 AM
A 38 year-old man - a grown man, an adult man - grabs the last Batman figure in the shop for his collection, leaving little Timmy bereft for Christmas.

Peter Fluffkins attempts to sell his soul but the devil doesn't want it, calling it "small and wispy".

Lidl bring out a new cereal called Munch Flakes and it's fucking rotten predictably.

Roger Daltrey short changes a shopkeep by ten pence, even though he's a multi-trillionaire.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: MoonDust on March 31, 2017, 01:30:16 PM
A dead pigeon is strapped to a firework and launched at a retirement home window.

Third time this week.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: MoonDust on March 31, 2017, 01:31:53 PM
Cyril wakes up, again.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Berthas Fat Leg on March 31, 2017, 02:56:58 PM
A look of disgust is mistaken as an indicator of interest.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Spoon of Ploff on March 31, 2017, 03:37:28 PM
wait a minute... has this webcam been on all this time? Oh god... Oh jesus christ
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Glebe on March 31, 2017, 05:36:33 PM
Martin logged on to the Pokémon forum, to talk to his "own, special friends". 58, he was.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on April 01, 2017, 07:30:07 AM
A news report on genocide is greeted by a belch in Tenby.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Glebe on April 01, 2017, 07:52:01 AM
Harold put on his best spats, but he new Mavis would roll her eyes.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on April 01, 2017, 08:12:47 AM
A Hell's Angel alights the train at Thornaby.  His leather jacket has an Eagle emblem with the sprawling motif, "Born to Ride".
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Spoon of Ploff on April 01, 2017, 08:29:50 AM
When he told people he was dead inside he ment spiritually and emotionaly...

But now his doctor is telling him the same thing. He doesn't think she means it in quite the same way.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Lord Mandrake on April 01, 2017, 01:35:51 PM
Yvonne opens up her stall for another day at
Portobello market. Her stock; a Day After Tomorrow dvd case, a man's size 9 left shoe, a 1995 Dell keyboard, a one armed action man knock off and a selection of KFC 'hint of lemon' sachets. She ends the day in healthy profit.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Spoon of Ploff on April 01, 2017, 01:53:39 PM
... a 1995 Dell keyboard ...

There is something about a stack of old keyboards...cables tangled, covered in old finger flakes and stale crumbs, that is evocative of a deep sense of desolation.

Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on April 02, 2017, 07:48:59 AM
A poorly completed 00-01 Premier League sticker album is bequeathed to a Dutch dwarf.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Glebe on April 02, 2017, 06:29:46 PM
Frank Nutkins of Hartlepool had planned an exciting day at the IMAX theatre, but ended up in a sewer watching a B&W 11" telly.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Lord Mandrake on April 02, 2017, 08:42:23 PM
A fly-tipper smirks at a missing cat.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on April 02, 2017, 10:26:33 PM
Simon Stuart, 8, winner of ITV's 'Britain's Smartest Kids' shits his fucking pants.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: the midnight watch baboon on April 02, 2017, 11:31:49 PM
A colourful dresser's ultimately empty life is completed when a his mother slices him in three, splitting him like a Jester's hat.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Spoon of Ploff on April 03, 2017, 08:20:09 AM
Just for a laugh a dustman wires an old kids doll to the front of his lorry without any thought to the possible consequences.

A wordsmith loses the ability to find something to rhyme with 'clouds', 'breezes', and 'spotify.'

Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: BlodwynPig on April 03, 2017, 08:23:29 AM
A kindly hobo, lifeless, frozen, inside a unused post box in the shaded part of the town
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on April 03, 2017, 12:24:07 PM
Catatonia's discography is lifted from a Kappa shoebox and twatted into the bottom of a skip.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Glebe on April 03, 2017, 12:59:36 PM
The Monkee's Michael Nesmith is buying souvenirs in a craft shop in Hove, and isn't recognized once.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: derek stitt on April 03, 2017, 05:50:27 PM
an over zelous survivalist sun dries his own foreskin and uses it as an eggcup to eat frog spawn.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Vodka Margarine on April 03, 2017, 06:11:39 PM
Badly Drawn Boy gives a homeless two quid and asks for £1.60 back.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on April 03, 2017, 06:48:55 PM
A chip shop dolt is caught licking at the spill tray.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Spoon of Ploff on April 03, 2017, 06:51:04 PM
Shanks's pony trips over some cobbles and has to be destroyed.

Simon Evans classmates nickname him 'king of the Enos' after the arcade where he was last seen alive.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: the midnight watch baboon on April 03, 2017, 08:48:14 PM
An electrician insulates a disconnected burglar alarm under the watchful gaze of a one-eyed owl.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on April 04, 2017, 08:35:09 AM
And what's this sonny jim? A pipe bomb? What on earth is a boy like you doing with o
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Glebe on April 04, 2017, 12:19:08 PM
Johnny Depp buys Montenegro and converts it into a shrine dedicated to Hunter S. Thompson.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: the midnight watch baboon on April 04, 2017, 06:50:34 PM
Carl is impressed to find out that the 'Friends character he is most like' is Ian Huntley.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Vodka Margarine on April 04, 2017, 09:02:17 PM
It's the date she's been waiting for. He's cute, cool and funny. A few mojitos later, they're on to Brexit. Her smile disappears.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: LORD BAD VIBE on April 05, 2017, 11:25:57 AM
Man reads newspaper on a train. Goes to sport pages first.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Glebe on April 05, 2017, 11:57:27 AM
A 21 year-old dresses as a goth even though she's not into it.

Jess screams "All of human life is here!" excitedly in the middle of Dublin city centre.

Excitement builds for Colchester man Aubrey as he reaches Level 59 in fictional MMORPG 'Realm of the Power-Dwarfs'. 61, he was.

A man farts in paris.

Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: BlodwynPig on April 05, 2017, 12:51:04 PM

A man farts in paris.

David Beckham's new 'exclusive' scent is born - Beckham de Paris: Pour les hommes par les hommes
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Spoon of Ploff on April 05, 2017, 01:46:36 PM
A pub quiz master removes all Echo And The Bunnymen related questions from his database.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on April 05, 2017, 02:17:00 PM
A fresly cancered refuse collector dumps his eighth wife in a barrel of finings.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Spoon of Ploff on April 05, 2017, 03:33:59 PM
A guide dog is mooned by a coach load of Millwall supporters.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Fishfinger on April 05, 2017, 05:19:51 PM
Killing time at A&E, Keith edits a video of seagulls fighting his bawling toddler for possession of his birthday chips. The first scratched cornea is at 5:23.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Glebe on April 05, 2017, 05:51:31 PM
Tarquin's weekend break in the south of France is given added zing when he witnesses a begging peasant being thrashed with a branch.

An airbrushed Noan Chomsky appears on the cover of Cosmopolitan next to the heading 'Chomsky: New look, new life, new attitude!'

Ricky Gervais descibes his comedy as "gentle humour".
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Big Jack McBastard on April 06, 2017, 03:42:27 AM
"Eeeh I love that Trump."

Mother of obviously snotty kid to other mother of non-snotted child: "I'm one of those people, right who if yer ill, I'm like: "Geddaway from meh", "go to ya room, shut the door", Ahahaa!"

Gossipy grey swimmer woman to similar: "..he told her she'd broken it again and that it was the last time."
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Bazooka on April 06, 2017, 01:02:49 PM
Grant sends his ex-wife pictures off him kissing pictures of meat in a Iceland magazine.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: the midnight watch baboon on April 06, 2017, 02:02:41 PM
An amber stain spreads from Jack.
Poo wee blood.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Bazooka on April 06, 2017, 02:10:43 PM
Susan 54 leaves her husband to do the food shop as she is bed bound following a skateboarding disaster, she scans the receipt, £103 spent on turkey dinosaurs.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Glebe on April 06, 2017, 02:24:55 PM
The dazzling glitz of a day trip to Bogner is tarnished somewhat thanks to a massive bout of dengue fever.

A Gogol Bordello CD gets trapped down the back of San Francisco nightclub sofa.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: BlodwynPig on April 06, 2017, 10:33:05 PM
Saw ET on its original release here

http://www.chroniclelive.co.uk/news/north-east-news/old-odeon-demolished-newcastles-city-12010572 (http://www.chroniclelive.co.uk/news/north-east-news/old-odeon-demolished-newcastles-city-12010572)

Replaced with a "retail hub"

https://www.thesun.co.uk/news/3249448/old-odeon-cinema-building-collapses-in-newcastle-street/ (https://www.thesun.co.uk/news/3249448/old-odeon-cinema-building-collapses-in-newcastle-street/)

Quote
WORKMEN were seen having a heated row moments before scaffolding on a derelict cinema collapsed into a city centre street, a witness has claimed.

Quote
Alcohol involved
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: BlodwynPig on April 06, 2017, 10:33:54 PM
Quote
It happened at around 11.30pm on Monday as she was waiting for the last bus home after seeing the Bob Mortimer show Athletico Mince.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: BlodwynPig on April 06, 2017, 10:35:32 PM
Quote
The historic 1931 built cinema was given listed status in 2000, but this was removed by the arts minister a year later.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Captain Poodle Basher on April 07, 2017, 12:59:35 PM
A real life one.

In the doorway of a closed down shop, lies a discarded sleeping bag, reeking of shit.

Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: BlodwynPig on April 07, 2017, 01:05:11 PM
A real life one.

In the doorway of a closed down shop, lies a discarded sleeping bag, reeking of shit.

You clamber inside anyway
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Vodka Margarine on April 07, 2017, 01:28:00 PM
Will struggles to identify a picture of his wife's car in the motorway pile up through a succession of pop-up adverts on the local news website.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Glebe on April 07, 2017, 03:56:06 PM
Some spilled mashed Liga calcifies on a chair leg in Hove.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: MoonDust on April 08, 2017, 07:45:38 PM
A swarm of flies obscuring a dog shit in a ginnel into a black vibrating mass is an apt visual metaphor for the way he's feeling, thinks Geoff, as he trudges to the corner shop.

Every day.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: MoonDust on April 08, 2017, 07:48:57 PM
Alex presses his face into a bee's nest behind the smoker's shelter after a meltdown in the office of his monotonous job.

"Christ, they're wasps!" he thinks, too late.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on April 08, 2017, 08:47:06 PM
Moira puts it all on black

Him, over there. The black one. He did it.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Glebe on April 09, 2017, 04:44:26 AM
James from Suffolk blows fifty quid on a dodgy pac a mac.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on April 09, 2017, 10:39:36 AM
An odious little shit drives a conker through a snail's head.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Vodka Margarine on April 09, 2017, 12:51:29 PM
A teetotaller takes a piss in his own wardrobe 'for old times sake'.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Glebe on April 09, 2017, 01:40:03 PM
It's a lovely day, so Keith takes Bowzer for a walk. The upshot of it is that Bowzer bites a child's leg off and some kids on bikes call Keith a nonce.

Also, Bowzer IS NOT A DOG.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on April 10, 2017, 03:44:47 PM
A royalist does anal intrusions with a bespoke Orb and Sceptre.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Bazooka on April 10, 2017, 04:10:10 PM
Johnny Pimp buys an A2 size printer to make his own scratch and sniff cards, the current flavours are Posh Piss, Smoked Salmon and Burst Cyst.More home made flavours TBA.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Glebe on April 10, 2017, 05:47:58 PM
An onion ends up inside a newly-bought vacuum cleaner.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: the midnight watch baboon on April 11, 2017, 11:23:31 AM
Roy and Tessa throw a party!

A search party.

For their love.

And a thousand ditches later.

It's found.

Decomposed.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on April 11, 2017, 01:51:55 PM
A flat-earther's corpse is found on his apartment floor, scattered all around by dozens of his useless worthless maps. These are bequeathed to his son, along with a past sell-by tub of gravy granules.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on April 11, 2017, 02:14:30 PM
http://m.lincolnshirelive.co.uk/we-re-thrilled-argos-to-stay-in-sleaford/story-30263464-detail/story.html

Fuck me
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Berthas Fat Leg on April 11, 2017, 02:29:34 PM
Christmas 1992 - Asked for a SNES.  Got a Spirograph.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Berthas Fat Leg on April 11, 2017, 02:56:23 PM
Christmasses 1993-2003 - Asked for a girlfriend. Got loneliness instead. 10 kissless, hugless, handholdless years that covered Secondary School, College and Uni.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on April 11, 2017, 04:29:53 PM
Xmas 04 - Bummed sen
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: the midnight watch baboon on April 11, 2017, 04:43:52 PM
A biro writes its own suicide note. A rubber watches on, gormlessly.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Angrew Lloyg Wegger on April 11, 2017, 09:46:15 PM
Feeling painful nostalgia for the days when you lived near a 24-hour Asda Superstore
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on April 12, 2017, 12:07:04 AM
Due to a clerical error involving a deed poll application and a recent doctor's appointment, Derek's full name is now legally 'Poo Particles'.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Glebe on April 12, 2017, 12:45:54 PM
It's 7AM. A sunny summer Saturday morn, and Janice is up bright and early for today's trip up the mountains. A packed lunch is in order, so Phil had better get up and get the hiking gear ready while she busies herself in the kitchen. Oh, and come on, get up, young Tim!

A five-minute break with a cuppa affords Janice the luxury of a quick and frivolous YouTube search. Oh, a Woody Allen interview! That should be interesting.

5PM. As the rain lashes the window, Janice considers the futility of human existence while Phil snores on the couch and Tim plays the Xbox.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: BlodwynPig on April 12, 2017, 02:37:27 PM
It's 7AM. A sunny summer Saturday morn, and Janice is up bright and early for today's trip up the mountains. A packed lunch is in order, so Phil had better get up and get the hiking gear ready while she busies herself in the kitchen. Oh, and come on, get up, young Tim!

A five-minute break with a cuppa affords Janice the luxury of a quick and frivolous YouTube search. Oh, a Woody Allen interview! That should be interesting.

5PM. As the rain lashes the window, Janice considers the futility of human existence while Phil snores on the couch and Tim plays the Xbox.

Eh? This was in Desolation 3000, where I thought it was a witty rejoinder about the future.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: BlodwynPig on April 12, 2017, 02:39:13 PM
The year is 1976, in the absence of (or more likely reluctance to waste) a bottle of champagne, Her Majesty the Queen hurls a black slave at a ship in one of her more remote lands.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Glebe on April 13, 2017, 12:12:03 PM
Eh? This was in Desolation 3000, where I thought it was a witty rejoinder about the future.

Didn't intend for it to have a futurist desolationess, Blodders!
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Glebe on April 13, 2017, 02:11:27 PM
The seasoned eyebrows of a glamourous grandpa glare out at you from a Seiko watch ad.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Spoon of Ploff on April 14, 2017, 12:52:53 PM
a gerbil is nailed to a hot cross bun
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Vodka Margarine on April 14, 2017, 03:09:28 PM
A nightclub on a pier.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: pancreas on April 14, 2017, 03:14:14 PM
A fight club in an synagogue.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on April 14, 2017, 03:35:42 PM
A racist audibly enjoys a pie.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Glebe on April 14, 2017, 04:24:03 PM
You're looking forward to popping to the shops to buy an Aero, but a bunch of dodgy lads are sitting on the wall.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Spoon of Ploff on April 14, 2017, 05:46:53 PM
You're looking forward to popping to the shops to buy an Aero, but a bunch of dodgy lads are sitting on the wall.

they force you to buy them Easter eggs.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: cptspalding on April 14, 2017, 06:49:15 PM
A single parent smashes the egg that was to belong to the love of their life, a 5 year old, two days before Easter
They use the shards of egg to try and take their own life
They succeed

Both the Police and the local papers have trouble describing what happened

The child receives no eggs this Easter

Edit: as the next of kin, one year later they receive a box from the "evidence department" of the local nick, containing the unaffected parts of the original egg.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Joy Nktonga on April 14, 2017, 10:06:43 PM
A Cadbury's Creme egg easter egg.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: batwings on April 14, 2017, 10:26:28 PM
An unfuckable middle-aged glazier hate-watches Take Me Out while absentmindedly tugging on the forest of skin tags in his left armpit.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Dannyhood91 on April 15, 2017, 11:26:50 AM
Your view of an attractive barista is obstructed by a sweating bohemoth in an Iron Maiden shirt.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Glebe on April 15, 2017, 12:08:56 PM
A man puts Who Framed Roger Rabbit? on to keep his young son quiet, but the wacky antics onscreen are punctuated by violent outburst's from the 46 year-old cunt, who is intolerant of children and feels that hangings too good for 'em.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Glebe on April 15, 2017, 07:39:48 PM
Harold cancels his day trip to Colchester in favour of a long wank in the dark. That was to prove extremely unsatisfying.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Bazooka on April 15, 2017, 09:15:56 PM
Rory is going on a picnic with his girlfriend and her parents, who he has yet to meet. She is stuck in traffic, so he has to start the picnic with just her parents there. The only food they have is egg sandwiches, Rory hates egg, too polite he pinches his nose and gags with every mouthful.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Bazooka on April 15, 2017, 09:24:18 PM
Having spent 41 years in the taxidermy business, Henry has lost interest, he has done all the main beasts. The ultimate trophy is calling him: Dale Winton. But not any old stuffing will do, only the finest used nursing home garments.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: the midnight watch baboon on April 15, 2017, 11:21:12 PM
Easter-mad Dad streams his fat son chasing a myxy rabbit around the rusting legs of a broken trampoline on Facebook live.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Glebe on April 15, 2017, 11:50:54 PM
A goose puts it's foot in a cow pat.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on April 16, 2017, 08:13:16 AM
An emo butters a crumpet.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Glebe on April 16, 2017, 09:51:42 AM
A collection of Bunty comics goes missing at a local fair.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on April 16, 2017, 01:57:20 PM
A woad warrior gets a veruca
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Glebe on April 16, 2017, 03:16:46 PM
Twelve geese startle a gosling at a gooseberry get-together.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Vodka Margarine on April 16, 2017, 04:13:57 PM
Paul Ross dies and gets reincarnated as himself. Yep, all over again matey.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on April 16, 2017, 04:31:26 PM
A plate of spinach is placed unusually near a warthog.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Glebe on April 16, 2017, 05:11:20 PM
A bin liner remains unused, gathering dust under a staircase in Hove.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Nice Relaxing Poo on April 16, 2017, 07:20:45 PM
A nugget of shit rolls down the stairs of a Blackpool B&B.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Glebe on April 16, 2017, 07:26:01 PM
A nugget of shit rolls down the stairs of a Blackpool B&B.

There's a dark tale behind that one, but perhaps another time...

...perhaps another time.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Bazooka on April 17, 2017, 05:37:48 AM
Bobby Peach throws up 5 bottles worth of cheap red wine he consumed previously, in one of the London Eye capsules. He frantically tries to mop it using his linen shirt as the pod slowly descends to base.

To add insult to injury, the film crew for This Morning is waiting at the bottom filming an article on overpriced attractions, Schofield screeches with laughter as a defeated Bobby Peach is exposed live, his white linen now entirely purple.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on April 17, 2017, 07:26:02 AM
Verne Troyer struggles with a four year old child over possession of a sausage
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Glebe on April 17, 2017, 09:12:28 AM
Maggie Philbin considers an affair with Edmonds. Briefly.[nb]Very briefly.[/nb]
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: BlodwynPig on April 17, 2017, 11:03:22 AM
As acute Alzheimer's kicks-in, Bert desperately puts pen to paper in an effort to document his life's achievements and memories.

A neighbour finds the notebook beside his corpse the next morning and begins to read:

Alice, 5, 3***, Brackham woods
Joey, 7, 2**, The Hollow
Mary, 3, 5*****, Chest in the attic

....
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on April 17, 2017, 11:39:16 AM
Juliet Morris finds her clitoris after 54 years of not trying. It is defunct.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Glebe on April 17, 2017, 12:19:29 PM
Eric takes a detour to Clacton in order to purchase a pair of wellies. By the time he gets to Inverness, he's tired and emotional and has wet himself.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: buttgammon on April 17, 2017, 02:47:11 PM
Shaun Murphy shits himself during his first round match at The Crucible. A look of pure embarrassment spreads across his tiny face and enormous head as the smell begins to travel, leaving the audience chuckling to themselves.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Glebe on April 17, 2017, 04:50:44 PM
A 68 year-old Midlands farmer finds his morning spot at the wall again, and greets and chats with the pretty girl who passes by most days. What SHE doesn't know, however, is that he is naked from the waist down and rubbing his boner against the rough brickwork.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Vodka Margarine on April 17, 2017, 05:11:22 PM
A pustulent, lactose intolerant cockend eats five Easter eggs in one go. Couldn't give a shit.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Spoon of Ploff on April 17, 2017, 06:08:15 PM
a sleeper cell forgets to reset her alarm to British summer time.

an BBC archivists party ends with an edited montage titled crop tops of the pops.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Crabwalk on April 17, 2017, 06:28:37 PM
To raise money for the operation, her dad did a parachute jump. It didn't open and he hit the ground.

She'd looked away but 5 seconds later the screams arrived, and a new word.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: batwings on April 17, 2017, 08:33:02 PM
A massively obese web developer and his 80 year old mother peruse samples of laminate flooring for the bungalow they share. The flooring is designed to last for over 20 years. It will outlast both of them. Nothing is said. But they know. They know.

Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Nice Relaxing Poo on April 17, 2017, 08:49:00 PM
A middle aged man's sudden enthusiasm for genealogy reveals a shared ancestry with Jimmy Savile and Josef Mengele.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Glebe on April 17, 2017, 11:44:38 PM
Keith sniffs a Caramac in a Luton newsagents.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: pancreas on April 18, 2017, 12:22:49 AM
Keith sniffs a Caramac in a Luton newsagents.

It turned out to be a Milky Bar ten years out of date.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Spoon of Ploff on April 18, 2017, 04:40:12 PM
(http://i.imgur.com/6tcKA5J.jpg)

jimmy "whirlwind" white lets himself go...
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on April 18, 2017, 05:22:47 PM
At a Catholic cemetery the inset picture of the diseased in his radiant military prime remains in place gleaming and unsullied on his headstone for decades. Totally wrong bloke. This one killed a kid. Fucked and killed him. Cheers.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Glebe on April 18, 2017, 07:27:51 PM
Andrew's lawnmower runs over a cute vole.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Cuntbeaks on April 18, 2017, 09:50:35 PM
Shakin Stevens pushes a turd back up his shitepipe with a courgette.

Shakin Stevens headbutts a vending machine in the foyer of a Derby leisure centre.

Shakin Stevens threatens a reflection of himself.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Cuntbeaks on April 18, 2017, 10:08:24 PM
Shakin Stevens throws a stained mattress onto his neighbour's driveway.

During another 'Midnight DIY' session, Shakin Stevens rips off all the downstairs doors and smashes the frames with a dumbbell bar.

Tuesday morning, Shakin Stevens takes 3 tabs of acid and watches the same episode of Dappledown Farm for 7 hours.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Glebe on April 19, 2017, 03:24:54 AM
The class was bubbling with anticipation - who was the mystery pop star that was visiting the school? Adele? Robbie Williams? Harry Styles? - when suddenly Gary Glitter walked through the door.

A gander chases a Mars wrapper down the windy street!
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Bazooka on April 19, 2017, 10:38:46 AM
A desperate man fills out two benefit claim forms using a green pen and writing in all lower case, despite the instructions.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Glebe on April 19, 2017, 10:55:26 AM
Rolfe stalls as he aims the pistol at Liesl's head; he has a bitter decision to make.... whether to sing "Edelweiss, edelweiss, you look unhappy to see me..." or "You are sixteen, not going on seventeen" before he pulls the trigger.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: BlodwynPig on April 19, 2017, 12:56:41 PM
Bands in Town recommend: Ed Sheeran Live near You!
Spotify recommends: Ed Sheeran
Fans: Ed Sheeran
Itunes Genius recommends: Ed Sheeran
Mogwai recommends: Ed Sheeran
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on April 19, 2017, 08:14:01 PM
Barry views footage from Beslan on his Nokia N-Gage while impolitely taking up two seats on the bus prioritised for the disabled and elderly.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on April 19, 2017, 08:33:31 PM
A guffaw reverbs across the Henley Regatta.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: the midnight watch baboon on April 19, 2017, 10:09:26 PM
There's Ewan McGregor's sperm. There. In your butter.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Glebe on April 20, 2017, 01:22:26 PM
A lonely fisherman catches a heron and has a conversation with it.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: BlodwynPig on April 20, 2017, 01:39:55 PM
"I've found it. I've found it!!!" screams Obese Oliver. You can all guess what he had found after 14 years of foetid scrabbling. But who, you may ask, was he elating to? Why if it isn't Cyber Brian in full gimp gear on Yahoo messenger.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: MoonDust on April 20, 2017, 02:07:00 PM
Daryl's long-awaited first holiday abroad makes him racist.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Glebe on April 20, 2017, 05:36:10 PM
A flatulent flump fellates a frightened ferret.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: the midnight watch baboon on April 20, 2017, 11:46:59 PM
A short-sleeved shirt wearer loses to his left hand at desktop air hockey. Lucy watched, for a while.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: derek stitt on April 21, 2017, 01:07:14 PM
A rear view of a load of naturist geriatrics bending over while they work on their allotments in the early spring.

One old man accidently plants his very pendulous testicles thinking they are seed potatoes

Sitting on the sofa waiting for a man to come and sort out a payment gateway on your bosses website and thinking up this type of weak and crude imagery that used to be the mainstay of the cartoons in 1980s grumble mags.

The amount of lip biting we are all having to go through in the run up to this election. It would be good if many of us (not me) turned into the big titted glamour model type who bite their lip to look all vulnerable and avaible at the same time sort of way but, no. Its going to be that dead eyed half smile lip biting when some dreary cunt blames the fact that there is no cauliflower in the local shop on benefit scroungers and immigrants and the like.

Writing this half thought out wank.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on April 21, 2017, 02:05:18 PM
Hee hee heee that tickles

Stop

Stop


35 years prison
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Glebe on April 21, 2017, 07:53:45 PM
Noel Edmonds records a cod-reggae version of Garth Brooks' 'Friends in Low Place' for a Jim Davidson Our Brave Lads charity.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: MoonDust on April 21, 2017, 08:00:18 PM
A real-life Mr Bean is declared "fit for work" and loses his disability benefits.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Cuellar on April 22, 2017, 12:08:19 PM
A man in a tower block in Bristol tells his kids he's got cancer.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Cuellar on April 22, 2017, 12:12:42 PM
A 'committed family man' puts a dildo in a rent boy
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: derek stitt on April 22, 2017, 12:46:46 PM
"What, you mean to say you don't have a village dog shagger?"
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: MoonDust on April 22, 2017, 01:09:15 PM
Eyes roll in a pub in Clacton-on-Sea as Geoff starts his "I'm not defending paedos but..." tirade again.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on April 22, 2017, 02:17:57 PM
A horrendous poof tyrant snubs a perfectly reasonable stout.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Glebe on April 22, 2017, 05:12:17 PM
A cruel Hendon housemaid attempts to stage a variety show to raise funds for the local daffodils, but the event is such a washout that she manages to shed a tear as she refunds the one ticket she sold to local dog Bowzer.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: masterofreality on April 22, 2017, 06:42:34 PM
(http://i38.photobucket.com/albums/e123/tqbeast/IMG_0722_zpsqymbrik6.jpg) (http://s38.photobucket.com/user/tqbeast/media/IMG_0722_zpsqymbrik6.jpg.html)
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Vodka Margarine on April 22, 2017, 08:39:52 PM
A sub minimum wage gherkin chopper drop kicks a puppy into some gravel.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: derek stitt on April 22, 2017, 10:51:52 PM
Going metal detecting in an open field, in the drizzle, with a man with irritable bowel syndrome.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on April 22, 2017, 11:01:34 PM
(http://i38.photobucket.com/albums/e123/tqbeast/IMG_0722_zpsqymbrik6.jpg) (http://s38.photobucket.com/user/tqbeast/media/IMG_0722_zpsqymbrik6.jpg.html)


Ahahaha..Hah. Excellent.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Glebe on April 23, 2017, 12:37:01 AM
Bernie Bumpkins hires a motor home for a trip to Hove. It breaks down near Furness.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Vodka Margarine on April 23, 2017, 05:36:27 PM
(https://scontent.flhr3-2.fna.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/fr/cp0/e15/q65/18056644_10155206171732640_6959963018284031980_n.jpg?efg=eyJpIjoidCJ9&oh=8a8e3f9bbdd153f7550c76d0897d243d&oe=5975A174)
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Glebe on April 23, 2017, 06:37:46 PM
A man stares at a box of Tunnock's Tea Cakes in the window of a garage forecourt shop. There appears to be a faint layer of dust on the box, and he cannot see the sell-by date. As he paces up and down, his anxiety increases. Yet he is too nervous to go in and ask.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Glebe on April 23, 2017, 11:54:42 PM
A novice Rastafarian can't handle the ganja, and doesn't even like cricket... "mon".
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: BlodwynPig on April 24, 2017, 08:48:53 AM
(http://i38.photobucket.com/albums/e123/tqbeast/IMG_0722_zpsqymbrik6.jpg) (http://s38.photobucket.com/user/tqbeast/media/IMG_0722_zpsqymbrik6.jpg.html)

Fucking hate Shaun of the Dead.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Cuntbeaks on April 24, 2017, 09:42:21 AM
(http://i38.photobucket.com/albums/e123/tqbeast/IMG_0722_zpsqymbrik6.jpg) (http://s38.photobucket.com/user/tqbeast/media/IMG_0722_zpsqymbrik6.jpg.html)
Roll call please.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: batwings on April 24, 2017, 09:54:21 AM
A cutters support group vs hearing voices workshop skittles match is cancelled due to lack of interest.

A dim man's business plan based around a monetised soda stream blog is rejected by a bank manager half his age.

A horse chokes on a discarded arse dildo.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Glebe on April 24, 2017, 11:29:58 AM
You accidentally catch your auntie and uncle fucking in rhythm to the Dogtanian theme.

Nestle unveil a new range of hot choclates made from melted Africans.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: BlodwynPig on April 24, 2017, 11:34:21 AM
(http://i38.photobucket.com/albums/e123/tqbeast/IMG_0722_zpsqymbrik6.jpg) (http://s38.photobucket.com/user/tqbeast/media/IMG_0722_zpsqymbrik6.jpg.html)

l-r

Corpse impressionist David Spike
Angst-ridden baker Tom Soft
Former extra on Blake 7 and self-made imbecile Jordan Nine
Apex Grin (Aphex Twin tribute act)
Journalist, raconteur, explorer and sex-offender Nigel Bont
The finger of Delilah Comenici, quarter-finalist in the Tiddlywinks Euros, 2014
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: masterofreality on April 25, 2017, 02:28:30 AM
Roll call please.

We didn't exchange names. We just drank, and cried at the sight of one another.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Glebe on April 25, 2017, 03:31:21 AM
The Family Ness is given a CGI reboot. It is immediately cancelled, to make way for VR Bodger & Badger.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: the midnight watch baboon on April 25, 2017, 11:44:46 AM
Ian is Tangoed at a Class of '91! reunion at a motorway pub.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Glebe on April 25, 2017, 12:03:44 PM
Key Burley berates a souvenir shop assistant in Fife.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: the midnight watch baboon on April 26, 2017, 09:08:06 AM
Sean Moore and Nicky Wire co-pen a speculative letter to Natwest, Barclays, Midland and Lloyds regarding PPI.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: BlodwynPig on April 26, 2017, 09:15:41 AM
Key Burley berates a souvenir shop assistant in Fife.

Kay Barley is peacing and outing, whilst Kay Burley calmly informs viewers that a nuclear strike is imminent.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: spamwangler on April 26, 2017, 09:31:57 AM
Roll call please.

Norman

Norman

Norman

Norman

Norman

Norman
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Glebe on April 26, 2017, 12:26:21 PM
Mike loves to take his son fishing. He's a quiet lad, is Jonathan, with little of no sounds coming out of his mannequin's face.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: drummersaredeaf on April 26, 2017, 12:39:45 PM
A man misses his dental appointment having waited two and a half hours for an STI test in the drop-in clinic.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: dex on April 26, 2017, 11:36:16 PM
A wrong'un scurries home with a discarded child's dummy in Baldock.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Glebe on April 27, 2017, 07:40:32 AM
Nerys sprinkles some ground black pepper on her Monday gammon.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: BlodwynPig on April 27, 2017, 08:30:06 AM
A wrong'un scurries home with a discarded child's dummy in Baldock.

"Where's this going, eh? Where's this going" he titters.

We all know where that is going.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: BlodwynPig on April 27, 2017, 08:30:46 AM
Nerys sprinkles some ground black pepper on her Monday gammon.

Whilst to the west, Cerys sprinkles some ground black pepper on her "Monday gammon".
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: pancreas on April 27, 2017, 01:26:35 PM
Norman

Norman

Norman

Norman

Norman

Norwoman
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on April 27, 2017, 01:46:41 PM
A deep coal miner is still down there, keeping the show on the road.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Bazooka on April 27, 2017, 01:57:22 PM
Ronald varnishes his fence using Bovril.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on April 27, 2017, 02:09:32 PM
11 Reasons why Hitler was right: The Answers WILL SHOCK YOU
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Berthas Fat Leg on April 27, 2017, 02:45:12 PM
"Blink once for 'Yes,' twice for 'Yes.'"
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Glebe on April 27, 2017, 03:16:31 PM
A regional Phillip becomes involved in a nasty row at the bus stop.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Berthas Fat Leg on April 27, 2017, 03:28:24 PM
A badger corpse is powerslammed into a headstone.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on April 27, 2017, 05:34:30 PM
The gravy granules have been counted. Now for the drinking of the poison.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: spamwangler on April 27, 2017, 08:51:23 PM
A Wife reads her husband's Dadsnet posting history
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Spoon of Ploff on April 27, 2017, 09:20:47 PM
just follow your heart, listen, listen.... shhhhhh... listen.... listen..... what's it telling you? what's it say..?


   shhhhh ....  shhh..... listen....





                                                                                                                                                                                                       
"..'kin get in grave  yer twat face"
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Glebe on April 28, 2017, 12:52:18 PM
The last-surviving Oompa-Loompa rents himself out as a doorstop, in order to pay the overheads on his Hamburg maisonette.

Stephen Fry performs M People's 'Open Your Heart' at the Playboy Mansion.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: spamwangler on April 28, 2017, 01:09:50 PM
A 2:2 degree, awarded posthumously
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: batwings on April 28, 2017, 02:43:03 PM
A lonely Buddhist's tulpa leaves him for someone less boring.

One his first day of work a demon apprentice fails to traumatise H.R. Giger.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: darth andy on April 28, 2017, 04:36:11 PM
dead chinese boy
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: spamwangler on April 28, 2017, 04:44:28 PM
dead chinese boy

sleek, elegant.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Glebe on April 28, 2017, 06:09:54 PM
After an 90 minute wait, three buses arrive at once. They're all full, and you end up walking back to your bedsit in a hailstorm.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: dex on April 28, 2017, 06:45:48 PM
Johnny Caramel is frogmarched to the Post Office to buy a TV license...
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on April 29, 2017, 06:53:41 AM
A horse dentist with a god complex fires his raped cat into space
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: the midnight watch baboon on April 29, 2017, 08:27:58 AM
A saleless vacuum cleaner salesman drowns in a wishing well.

An occasional father misspells his daughter's name in a letter begging her for £80.

Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Glebe on April 29, 2017, 09:15:06 AM
The American government issue special 'terror tazers' for the public to use on suspious-looking Muslims in the vincinity.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Nice Relaxing Poo on April 29, 2017, 08:38:21 PM
A 90 year old lifelong Sunderland fan watches his team being relegated from the Premier League


(http://i.imgur.com/vU4OhRw.jpg?1)
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Vodka Margarine on April 29, 2017, 10:03:30 PM
An emotionally unstable man receives the last but one Paul Weller album for his 40th birthday.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Nice Relaxing Poo on April 29, 2017, 10:14:11 PM
An emotionally unstable man receives the last but one Paul Weller album for his 40th birthday.

A boy's dream of being a mod is crushed by the onset of male pattern baldness at the age of 17.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: the midnight watch baboon on April 29, 2017, 11:26:35 PM
A miscellaneous human travels to the wrong Aberdeen to pay homage to Kurt Cobain.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on April 30, 2017, 07:20:02 AM
A gannet gets trapped in a pro-Brexit insignia sock
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Glebe on April 30, 2017, 09:06:12 AM
Chrissie Hynde bodyslams an oxen at a PETA event.

A divorced 59 year-old finds a baby chair in a skip and brings it back to his bedsit to relieve happy family days.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: JoeyBananaduck on April 30, 2017, 10:33:33 AM
A bald, single 62 year old takes his purchases (budget vodka, Kershaws chicken dinner, painkillers, antacids) to the self-checkout.

*BEEP*

Despite it's cancellation around 20 years ago, he actually does find himself for a brief envious moment thinking about all the fun he could be having on Supermarket Sweep.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Vodka Margarine on April 30, 2017, 02:30:08 PM
Another problem page editor is employed.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Sydward Lartle on April 30, 2017, 02:41:24 PM
A photograph of the Go Compare man, stained with crusty month-old semen.

A suicide note that says, simply, 'all I ever wanted was to meet Joe Pasquale'.

A picture of Linsey Dawn McKenzie with Madeline McCann's head pasted over her face.

Desolation.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Glebe on April 30, 2017, 04:30:45 PM
The eggs are off, but fuck it, Nasty Norris is 'ungry!
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Sydward Lartle on April 30, 2017, 05:09:12 PM
You walk past a church with a jumble sale in the hall.
It's busier than usual.
You enter the hall.
You find out why.
One of the stands is manned by Christina Hendricks. 
She's selling soapy tit wanks at £5 in aid of disabled kittens.

You've only got £4 on you.

Desolation.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Sydward Lartle on April 30, 2017, 05:17:44 PM
Martin Scorcese reveals during an in-depth interview with Mark Kermode that his all-time favourite film is Holiday on the Buses.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Nice Relaxing Poo on April 30, 2017, 05:45:39 PM
An alzheimers sufferer is brought abruptly into the real world by the feeling of a cold creamy dog shit forcing its way between his bare toes.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Sydward Lartle on April 30, 2017, 06:03:51 PM
You find an old Ferguson E-180 in a charity shop with the words [spoiler]FAITH BROWN AND KEN DODD'S SEX TAPE[/spoiler] written on the spine label in red marker pen.

You play the tape and it's [spoiler]all six episodes of Hippies[/spoiler].

You sigh and [spoiler]watch it all[/spoiler] anyway.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Glebe on April 30, 2017, 07:59:50 PM
You find a photocopy of an anus in the photocopier.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: the midnight watch baboon on April 30, 2017, 11:19:57 PM
David Moyes puts his right eyeball in a cracked egg cup.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Mr Brightside on April 30, 2017, 11:59:34 PM
Posting pictures to the PHWOARR thread on CaB at midnight.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Sydward Lartle on May 01, 2017, 12:05:51 AM
Michael was served by an attractive middle-aged woman in Marks and Spencer. She gave him a lovely smile. On the bus ride home, he fantasised about spending the rest of his life with her.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Sydward Lartle on May 01, 2017, 12:07:01 AM
Ian's strongest memory of a two week holiday in Torquay with his parents at the age of eight is eating cold toast and a piece of swiss roll whilst watching Disney Time.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Cuntbeaks on May 01, 2017, 12:17:17 AM
A vegan stabs himself in the thigh as penance for scoffing a Saveloy and Chips behind the Poundland bins at lunchtime.

The same vegan crywanks with half a Mattesons Smoked Sausage up his fartbox.

A different vegan tries to quell a hangover with some cheese substitute and a Ryvita.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Tikwid on May 01, 2017, 03:35:39 AM
A rotten unskilled worker spends months of his life trying to perfect an extremely convoluted joke, in which Sean Harris turns down an invitation to help move Andre the Giant's corpse to a custom-built wrestling ring[nb]there's a genuine actual joke behind this but i'll be ruddy well amazed if anyone can figure it out.[/nb]. The joke is mere inches of typewritten copy away from being finished when its author collapses of a fatal arse aneurysm; rather than prompt a Pythonesque chain reaction of laughter-induced deaths, however, the scrap of paper is simply taken from the body and filed away as police evidence.

Coroner's report: "Not as good as the one about Istanbul and Starburst"
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on May 01, 2017, 05:37:23 AM
A wretch lobs a water balloon filled with cat sick at an improbable paedophile.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: JoeyBananaduck on May 01, 2017, 08:54:37 AM
The wife has been gone for 3 days. Paul has been sobbing in the foetal position ever since. This is it now. There truly is nothing left. Pulling on a rumpled, sweat stained shirt and a pair of dockers, he holds it together long enough to stumble to the Londis across the road and spend £18 of his last £20 on a bottle of vodka and a tuna mayo sandwich.

He returns home. What to do now? Better eat, I suppose. Its been ages. He sits in front of the TV and unwraps the sandwich, pours himself a drink. Goes to the EPG. Scooby Doo's name leaps out at him. Scooby! He loved him as a lad. Fond memories! Used to rush home from school to be back in time to see that. It was the same thing though, every time wasn't it? Ha ha! Well, stick with what works, eh? And he could smell his mum cooking shepherd's pie in the kitchen. That was her specialty, that was. Well, it was the only thing she ever did really, besides fish, chips and beans or meatballs and spaghetti from a tin. But it was dead nice, that shepherd's pie.

Sheperd's pie and Scooby Doo. That was all he needed to be happy back then. What the bloody hell kind of a name for a channel is Boomerang though? Ahh, it'd be daft for a man of his age to sit around watching kid's cartoons. Still, Lisa's gone. What's the harm eh? Let's check in with the old gang.

It is an episode which not only features Scrappy Doo, but also Scooby's redneck cousin Scooby-Dum.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: the midnight watch baboon on May 01, 2017, 10:59:06 AM
The uneasy truce between Bill's anus and bowels ends horribly, in Halford's
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Glebe on May 01, 2017, 11:15:39 AM
A blind date reality show contestant is bursting with excitement. What will he be like?

Turns out it's Legend Gary.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: derek stitt on May 01, 2017, 03:29:52 PM
A stillborn attempts its autobiography but, gives up because of family commitments.

Barry Chuckles cum face.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Sydward Lartle on May 01, 2017, 04:41:35 PM
Thirty-eight year old Malcolm finally loses his virginity.

Uncle Gerald was only too happy to be of service.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: dex on May 01, 2017, 05:26:39 PM
Roundwire nails, driven into flesh.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Sydward Lartle on May 01, 2017, 09:44:27 PM
Someone leaving an inappropriately bilious comment on a YouTube video - not because of the video's actual content, but because of a personal beef with the uploader.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Glebe on May 01, 2017, 10:01:00 PM
John Cleese has AIDS. Yes, The AIDS.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Sydward Lartle on May 01, 2017, 10:13:01 PM
John Cleese has AIDS. Yes, The AIDS.

I think you mean aides who assist him about his daily business.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Glebe on May 01, 2017, 10:16:39 PM
I think you mean aides who assist him about his daily business.

Ironically, it was them what injected him with the unpopular 1980s plague-virus.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Sydward Lartle on May 01, 2017, 10:18:08 PM
Right at the back of a cardboard box full of vinyl albums marked up at 25p in a Cancer Research shop...

A Joe Longthorne album.

A Russ Abbot's Madhouse album.

A Shakin' Stevens album.

All of them signed 'To Joanne, with love' from the various artistes.

Joanne never heard a note of them. She was deaf from birth, and died alone.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on May 02, 2017, 07:39:58 AM
A rhinoplasty is a roaring success, and the surgeon thinks Cheryl will be overcome with joy when she sees her new nose and her entirely cum filled vagina.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Bazooka on May 02, 2017, 10:15:52 AM
Due to the Mayor of Lowestoft spending all of the budget on scotch eggs, the only food available at the Lowestoft Food Festival is Scotch Eggs(bought from the Londis garage).
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: drummersaredeaf on May 02, 2017, 12:32:57 PM
A Stockport to Crewe bus replacement service.

A three hour wait at the GUM clinic. Your bladder reaches critical mass after two hours and fifty minutes.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Cuntbeaks on May 02, 2017, 12:59:29 PM
A predatory homosex sets up a Facebook page entitled "Gay For The West Highland Way".  The premise is that straight men go gay for the duration of the walk, and he will supply the expert bummings.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Glebe on May 02, 2017, 02:05:03 PM
Keith from Cheshire does beastiality behind an Aldi. It must be an Aldi.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: dex on May 02, 2017, 05:45:43 PM
Aaron has no bowel problem to speak of, but just can't be arsed to move and shits himself. He howls as his own ineptitude and wanks into the pile of fresh excrement to take his mind off things.

Maria flicks her fag and tuts.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Glebe on May 02, 2017, 06:51:33 PM
In an alternative universe, Pete Best stays on as Beatles drummer, and yet it turns out that even he's not the best drummer in The Beatles.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Sydward Lartle on May 02, 2017, 08:18:45 PM
The last thing Keith Moon did before he died was write a never-posted fan letter to Syd Little.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Spoon of Ploff on May 02, 2017, 09:18:29 PM
A middle aged man tries desperately to remember what paraffin paper was for.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: derek stitt on May 02, 2017, 09:24:04 PM
A middle aged man tries desperately to remember what paraffin paper was for.

A middle aged man actually looks up what paraffin paper was for and remembers boxes of door hinges in sheds wrapped in the stuff.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Sydward Lartle on May 02, 2017, 09:42:02 PM
79 year old Agnes has been lying dead in her bed for six weeks now.

Her spotty fifteen year old nephew is increasingly ashamed of what he's been doing to her all that time, but promises himself he'll call the undertakers once he and his three mates have had one last go at her.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: the midnight watch baboon on May 02, 2017, 10:45:56 PM
A trainee spy is told to 'fuck off my platform' by an irked window cleaner.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on May 03, 2017, 12:04:28 AM
After a bitter evening discussion about preferred door handles, Grandma stomps off upstairs to die of old age.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Vodka Margarine on May 03, 2017, 12:09:05 AM
A crestfallen George Galloway emerges from the fitting room with a pair of white skinny jeans and carefully puts them back.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: derek stitt on May 03, 2017, 03:28:36 AM
Phone message... "oh hi hun, just saw some footage of the atrocities committed at Auschwitz and thought of you.... Kisses."

Genuine desolation
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Glebe on May 03, 2017, 05:17:56 AM
At a football training ground in the 1990's, Kevin Keegan farts into a Tupperware box and hands it to Ruud Gullit. 
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: JoeyBananaduck on May 03, 2017, 08:19:36 AM
9 months after the fact, through the alcoholic fog a father of 3 suddenly remembers that he did indeed spit on his wife and call her a hateful dried up cunt. Suddenly it all makes sense.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: spamwangler on May 03, 2017, 01:11:53 PM
At a football training ground in the 1990's, Kevin Keegan farts into a Tupperware box and hands it to Ruud Gullit.

'thankyou'

he wispers breathlessly, a tear in his eye
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Bazooka on May 03, 2017, 02:30:35 PM
Kevin McFish eats three unripe mango's an hour before his wedding, his pristine, yet highly sensitive bowel kicks in hard as he looks his father in law in the eyes.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Howj Begg on May 03, 2017, 03:07:35 PM
Barry decides to order pornography on paper from Europe, despite having functioning broadband. The law seems to be problematic but after going through all the necessary hoops, three months later the prized object drops through the letterbox. Barry grabs it quickly off the mat before anyone spots it.

After a slightly unsatisfying wank he tosses it aside and boots up his pc.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Bazooka on May 03, 2017, 03:37:59 PM
Desmond has spent 25 years trying to find his lost daughter, who was taken away in the Coventry Civil War of 2010. He gets the call that she has been found. Waiting, hands gripped, tears in his eyes, he see's his daughter arrive at the train station platform, his daughter is non other than Justin Lee Collins, Desmond quickly leaves the area.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: touchingcloth on May 03, 2017, 09:01:08 PM
A man desperate to buy his favourite imported French pornography but unsure if this will put him on the wrong side of the law seeks advice from the only friends he has: a bunch of bald, mentally ill men suffering equally from unemployment and phimosis. He predictably receives no replies of use, but buys the pornography anyway.

Seven years to life.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Twit 2 on May 03, 2017, 10:26:14 PM
A cat employs an unregistered berk to clean its kittens' guttering, then rues the decision at great length.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Lord Mandrake on May 03, 2017, 10:41:08 PM
A middle aged 'entrepreneur' has an full emotional and mental breakdown over a chip and pin machine in Wilco.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Cuntbeaks on May 03, 2017, 11:40:43 PM
A retarded woman uses a pitta bread as a sanitary towel. Eats it after.

An out of control teenager shits on a bowling green, while its being used.

A fruit machine addict bricks a family of swans.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: dex on May 04, 2017, 12:48:12 AM
Bob has his cock bitten off by an Alsation.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: JoeyBananaduck on May 04, 2017, 09:06:17 AM
An Alsatian has his cock bitten off by a Bob.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: derek stitt on May 04, 2017, 03:25:22 PM
Multi racial abortions and a severed withered arm make for an interesting game of pool down the incinerator at the hospital.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Glebe on May 04, 2017, 03:36:51 PM
An irate nanny stuffs a Sindy doll into a child's Liga.

"Hello, I'm a mental!" Your three-hour coach journey just got much longer!

A Miley Cyrus live DVD glitches, so that briefly Miley becomes like the physical embodiment of Oblivion.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Bazooka on May 04, 2017, 04:26:55 PM
A man spends all his inheritance on a pop up food van selling toast cooked in the microwave, his parents ghosts weep.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Sydward Lartle on May 04, 2017, 08:30:33 PM
Norris discovers Ivy Doomkitty's Facebook page... and immediately goes blind.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: spamwangler on May 04, 2017, 09:48:12 PM
something sad happens, including:

the poor
bad weather
mental/physical disability
bodily fluids
insecurity
medical waste
malice
humiliation

and then something worse happens just at the end
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: spamwangler on May 04, 2017, 09:49:32 PM
i forgot to mention its set in a small northern rural town with a slightly un- glamarous name, but not so glamorous as to be funny, just on the edge, you know?
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Sydward Lartle on May 04, 2017, 10:18:25 PM
Meanwhile, in Newport...

(http://i.imgur.com/3EBeOhm.jpg)

DESOLATION
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: the midnight watch baboon on May 04, 2017, 10:49:19 PM
A troubled schoolboy wishes he'd never happened.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: spamwangler on May 04, 2017, 11:02:36 PM
Three Goths arrive too late to save a burning Emo in Bargoed.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Sydward Lartle on May 04, 2017, 11:22:10 PM
Kevin has just heard his parents arguing over who doesn't get custody of him.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on May 05, 2017, 07:02:51 AM
Derek's long lost son is a fucking arsehole.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: buttgammon on May 05, 2017, 09:37:39 AM
A BNP ex-councillor gets into an argument with a Turkish takeaway owner on the way back from the count.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Bazooka on May 05, 2017, 09:57:36 AM
Simon Salmon pushes four boxes worth of cornflakes through the letterbox of his ex-sister, she tastes the bristles of the letterbox and knows they are own brand flakes.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Glebe on May 05, 2017, 10:21:01 AM
Keith Gherkin gets no gherkins in his Big Mac. And he loves gherkins, as his name implies!
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: spamwangler on May 05, 2017, 02:41:28 PM
"This is it? this is the surprise?"

it is.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Glebe on May 05, 2017, 04:29:43 PM
A dolphin gets it's nose stuck in a power station.

Near a nature reserve restaurant, glued-on gravy granules dry on the flank of a gander.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Foggy Buntwhistle on May 05, 2017, 07:35:42 PM
The Moon sobs.

A polar bear clings onto an icecube in the North Atlantic. It doesn't taste like a Glacier Mint.

"Not so bad" Henry thinks to himself. Continues spraying WD40 down his throat. Uses the thin red straw.

It finally falls off. 20 rubber bands round the bell for 3 weeks. He's glad.

Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Glebe on May 05, 2017, 07:50:03 PM
A clown has to endure a six-hour children's birthday party while his face goes on fire due to an allergic reaction to lead face paint. Third-degree burns, but the kids had a great time kicking him!
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Sydward Lartle on May 05, 2017, 09:13:31 PM
Old Frank feels proud of himself. That IT course paid off. He's just booked a grocery delivery online for the very first time.

It's now Tuesday, 7pm. They said they'd deliver between 6 and 7pm. Running late, thinks Frank. Maybe the roads are busy.

The minutes tick past. Frank is getting hungry but there's no food in the house. 'I'll give them another ten minutes, then I'll give them a bell', thinks Frank.

Meanwhile, the delivery van lies upturned in a ditch, the contents scattered all over the dual carriageway, whilst a bold fox tugs at pieces of the driver's exposed brain. An ambulance siren wails distantly.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Vodka Margarine on May 05, 2017, 09:17:51 PM
16th July 2001....

Victoria station. You'd left those huge eyelinered eyes at the Burger King and it hurt beyond all reason. How she was so much like you with her same favourite bands and difficult childhood, how you were two peas in a pod and how she was so much the world at that point.

In the grip of a hazy lovesick stupor, you'd accidentally caught the reflection of your stupid Manics fan face in the window of a sarcastically slow stopper train taking you back to the home town where no-one likes you. You're not all 'London' like her. It's not going to work. You're nothing. Doubts spark off like grey fireworks. You'd realised then that it would never last.

Sixteen years later, you're at that station again but you're leaving no-one behind this time. As the train enters a tunnel you look in the same window and see a sad, haggard creep. You kid yourself you've moved on but you haven't. Lost in a foggy reverie of self pity, you manage to miss your station and your guts begin to let you down more than you ever thought possible.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: dex on May 05, 2017, 09:48:37 PM
"We used to shoot monkeys like you out of the trees!"

Alan pretends to have dementia to get a free pass on his right wing views.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Cuntbeaks on May 06, 2017, 01:52:48 AM
Fat Boy Slim laughs like a drain.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Glebe on May 06, 2017, 07:35:19 AM
"I hope you find the comfort in death that you couldn't find in life," says a father tearfully, as he buries his protesting son alive in the back garden - a zestful son with a happy-go-lucky attitude and who had a bright future ahead of him.

"Only four pedestrians today - I'm improving!" notes Aubrey as he pulls into the driveway and adjusts his ten-year-old spectacles.

Janet's day trip to Dumfries just got exciting as she spots and out of date packet of ham in a musty old cornershop.

Brad Pitt buys a solid-gold yacht for a children's hospice.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: spamwangler on May 06, 2017, 10:11:00 AM
a man in a darth vader costume vapes at a wedding reception.

everyone is avoiding eye contact with him
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: spamwangler on May 06, 2017, 11:48:33 AM
"I hope you find the comfort in death that you couldn't find in life," says a father tearfully, as he buries his protesting son alive in the back garden - a zestful son with a happy-go-lucky attitude and who had a bright future ahead of him.

marvellous
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Glebe on May 06, 2017, 01:05:37 PM
A mean lass pushes a furious wallaby at a wonky fencepost.

"I can't take it anymore!" screams the manager of a Tesco's, lying spreadeagled in the fruit 'n' veg section.

Wayne Rooney buys a duck pond and coverts it into a centre for excellence.

A sad man pretends clouds are his "Little bits of happiness thoughts".
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: pancreas on May 06, 2017, 05:20:32 PM
Mavis finds the last piece of the jigsaw puzzle under the table.

Which is where they find her---one hand on the piece of jigsaw, one on her heart.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on May 06, 2017, 05:37:16 PM
A medieval re-enactment troupe are run over by an Asian on a quad bike.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: dex on May 06, 2017, 08:36:38 PM
A French tourist shakes his head and hocks phlegm at a granny trying to pick her teeth up with broken fingers having been savagely beaten by a group of feral youths.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Nice Relaxing Poo on May 06, 2017, 08:37:16 PM
A Ghanaian mathematical genius settles into his new job as a freshen up man in Ritzies, Grimsby.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: BlodwynPig on May 06, 2017, 08:49:29 PM
A sercow mournfully watches you fail to have a crap in a Japanese forest
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Glebe on May 06, 2017, 09:23:23 PM
A pleased gnu pushes a fruitfly to it's bitter demise over a crag rock using only it's snout.

Roger Hargreaves disowns the Mr. Men and calls for all existing books to be burnt.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Nice Relaxing Poo on May 06, 2017, 09:35:38 PM
Nan's huge vibrator collection is discovered tide marks and all during her post mortem house clearance.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: spamwangler on May 06, 2017, 10:09:49 PM
A widower if forced to swallow their wedding ring by a gang of twats
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Sydward Lartle on May 06, 2017, 10:43:37 PM
Victor Lewis-Smith can't enjoy his expensive restaurant meal because he wrote the word CUNTS on the tablecloth in a fit of pique.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: the midnight watch baboon on May 06, 2017, 11:39:11 PM
Dennis impales his heart on his home-made model of ED-209
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: dex on May 07, 2017, 04:15:50 PM
Tory landslide in general election of 2017 means a new bill is drafted where anybody having a wank is charged tax. The internet of things is used among other things to police the populace.

Gerald has the tough choice of whether to buy a tin of corned beef or indulge in an imaginary "hand shandy"  encounter with Lindsay Dawn Mckenzie and a fucking machine.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: batwings on May 07, 2017, 04:35:10 PM
A tubby ginger-bearded man has failed to wipe his arse properly... theorises the stranger seated next to him on a National Express coach.

A female lukemia sufferer's photo shows up in a Google image search for Vin Diesel.

Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: pancreas on May 07, 2017, 04:47:10 PM
Penelope's mother opens the dishwasher in the morning to find a present from her daughter.

Unfortunately, Missy the Cat didn't survive the pots and pans cycle.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Nice Relaxing Poo on May 07, 2017, 06:39:27 PM
A real life one seen today: Pigeons watch hungrily from a short distance like vultures waiting for a starving Sudanese child to die as a skinny red faced alcoholic man vomits on the Brighton pavement.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Glebe on May 07, 2017, 07:06:06 PM
A existential crisis is triggered at a New York jazz club, when Woody Allen does a 24-hour set consisting entirely of Dave Brubeck's 'Take Five' (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zFk-kiDW_tA) played on Grandpa Flump's flumpet.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: the midnight watch baboon on May 07, 2017, 11:15:56 PM
A miscarried pigeon tumbles from Jack's first Kinder egg, ultimately leading the youngster to dark, feather-themed cannibalism.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on May 07, 2017, 11:37:52 PM
A geriatric linesman issues an offside call for a game that ended last week.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Glebe on May 08, 2017, 12:18:08 AM
A deluded recluse considers the world population.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: dex on May 08, 2017, 12:30:01 AM
Dianne Abbott.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Glebe on May 08, 2017, 04:54:07 AM
Dianne Abbott.

MICHAEL PORTILLO.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Spoon of Ploff on May 08, 2017, 08:08:02 AM
If you want a vision of the future imagine a luck warm double decaf latte dripping on a humans face forever.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: BlodwynPig on May 08, 2017, 08:18:08 AM
Terry doesn't vote in the general election and goes to see A Dog's Purpose instead

(https://images-na.ssl-images-amazon.com/images/M/MV5BNDQ4NjkxNzgzN15BMl5BanBnXkFtZTgwMjAzODQ4OTE@._V1_UX182_CR0,0,182,268_AL_.jpg)
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Glebe on May 08, 2017, 12:01:15 PM
A snazzy Carlton inveigles his way into Miss Ellie's juice box.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Bazooka on May 08, 2017, 01:09:00 PM
Michael forgets his lunch and wallet, so resorts to eating a dry piece of corned beef and a fisherman's friend he has found in his glove box.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Vodka Margarine on May 08, 2017, 01:26:18 PM
Craig Charles praises a violently fitting child for "keeping the funk alive".
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Glebe on May 08, 2017, 01:36:15 PM
Little Sue and Andrew can't wait to go to the zoo again this week, to visit their friend, Peter the Lion. On the big day, Sue almost imagines Peter is smiling at them. "Look, Andy," she notes excitedly, "I think I see a little lion's smile!" Peter eyes them greedily through the bars, and imagines how well they'd go with a side-order of gnu ears.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Spoon of Ploff on May 08, 2017, 01:55:11 PM
If you want a vision of the future imagine a luke warm double decaf latte dripping on a humans face forever.

A man hits quote instead of modify. Compounding the initial crime.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Glebe on May 08, 2017, 02:06:09 PM
If you want a vision of the future imagine a luck warm double decaf latte dripping on a humans face forever.

Make that a double-plus choco latte!
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: drummersaredeaf on May 08, 2017, 02:28:27 PM
Richey Edwards of Manic Street Preachers fame suddenly remembers his previous life in 2003 but hears Lifeblood and decides he's happier sweeping the Kerrygold factory.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on May 08, 2017, 03:53:18 PM
A man harbouring a large intestinal parasite eats a Scotch egg in twenty seconds on Facebook live.

1 people watching (inactive)
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Bazooka on May 08, 2017, 04:33:23 PM
A man has the DVD of his favourite film Dianna (2013) signed by a Prince William lookalike in the Barnsley town centre toilets. 
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: dex on May 08, 2017, 05:11:50 PM
MICHAEL PORTILLO.

No need to shout.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Sydward Lartle on May 08, 2017, 08:15:08 PM
A sign goes up outside an ailing nightclub in Hemsby...

TONITE
JAMES CORDEN TRIBUTE ACT
ADMIS. FREE
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Cuntbeaks on May 08, 2017, 08:56:01 PM
Fat Boy Slim plays the M.A.S.H theme tune 6 times in a row then pisses in a pint glass.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Sydward Lartle on May 08, 2017, 09:53:26 PM
Pete Townshend's tinnitus finally tips over into profound deafness, and it was an ironic dance remix of the Dogtanian theme that did it.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Glebe on May 08, 2017, 11:40:28 PM
"Please don't tell my wife about this..."

Too late, it streamed live on 16 social media sites.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Quincey on May 08, 2017, 11:44:47 PM
A woman gives her husband his birthday blowjob in a car park toilet cubicle, but slips on the piss wet floor and ends up tearing off a chunk of his cock.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: pancreas on May 09, 2017, 12:05:30 AM
Angela Lansbury takes a swig of goat's milk straight from the carton. It's on the turn.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Mr Brightside on May 09, 2017, 12:14:33 AM
A ten-year-old werewolf boy receives a haunted Advent calendar from his witch aunt. She demands he records YouTube videos of himself opening each day's door. Each day, various fluids shoot out when the door is opened. December 1st, cat piss; December 2nd, menstrual blood; December 3rd, runny shit with hard bits in it. He kills himself on the morning of December 4th.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: non capisco on May 09, 2017, 12:17:55 AM
A man at a low ebb in Brighton genuinely believes a seagull just looked at him and said 'soppy bollocks'.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Sydward Lartle on May 09, 2017, 12:24:00 AM
Some bright spark at Universal decides to re-release all the Laurel and Hardy DVDs, this time with commentary tracks.

By James Corden.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Glebe on May 09, 2017, 12:58:07 AM
A man is delighted his daughter is in intensive care, cos he can ogle the sexy nurses!

Some bright spark at Universal decides to re-release all the Laurel and Hardy DVDs, this time with commentary tracks.

By James Corden.

On crack.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Vodka Margarine on May 09, 2017, 11:28:21 AM
A man called Percy plans to become morbidly obese so he can touch real breasts before his 50th.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: the midnight watch baboon on May 09, 2017, 11:42:57 AM
A James Corden tribute act is hired as a best man on the proviso that he fucking roasts the mother of the bride.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: the midnight watch baboon on May 09, 2017, 11:49:48 AM
Bozza nails scores of drained Foster's cans to his garage rafters. Calls it the 'Pisstine Chapel'.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on May 09, 2017, 01:11:30 PM
A rotund sentry with sleep apnoea has 14 kilos of abdominal fat drained through a tube in order for doctors to access his balls.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: BlodwynPig on May 09, 2017, 01:26:45 PM
A semblance of memory. Brief moments of thought flittering in near absolute darkness. Vocalisations approaching, but never reaching, human sound. An acrid stench, the taste of bitter dust.

After three years as train guard, Brian is happy to note the improvement to the Virgin rail service to Padstow.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on May 09, 2017, 02:02:10 PM
Dan stabs Stan. No Hunt Ban.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: drummersaredeaf on May 09, 2017, 04:06:36 PM
Kerry Katona buys lots of cats to try and get back into Heat magazine, but can only afford to feed half of them.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: dex on May 09, 2017, 04:20:57 PM
Benson's final wish is to eat cod and chips one last time. Speen's fish & chip emporium only do hake.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: JoeyBananaduck on May 09, 2017, 05:22:37 PM
The one remaining ray of sunshine that entreats into Ian's charmless filthy bedsit is the monthly rattling of the postbox downstairs indicating the arrival of his copy of Score magazine. Crawling out of bed, he makes his way down to fetch it. Returning to his bed, he finds himself too listless and apathetic to even take it out of the wrapping, much less have a wank.

"What's the point", he thinks to himself. "It's just going to be another load of birds with big tits".

Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Vodka Margarine on May 13, 2017, 06:59:03 PM
Todd buys a loaf of bread from Greggs. He opts for 'eat in'.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: derek stitt on May 13, 2017, 08:07:29 PM
An inexperienced checkout girl scans the bars of, Kendo Nagasaki's face mask by mistake and the wrestler is charged for a, Big Daddy silver top hat instead of the marrowfat processed peas he was set on buying.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Sydward Lartle on May 13, 2017, 09:03:59 PM
A man with debilitating misokinesia finds himself sitting next to a fat man on a three hour train journey who never once stops twiddling his thumbs.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: the midnight watch baboon on May 13, 2017, 10:36:57 PM
An all-caps post on Facebook wrestles a young father's attention away from screamy.



Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Sydward Lartle on May 14, 2017, 01:14:13 AM
An dog on an skateboard which catches fire then accidentally hangs itself.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: spamwangler on May 14, 2017, 09:55:07 AM
[fuck being on the end of a page, i wanna be a NEW PAGE CUNT]
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: spamwangler on May 14, 2017, 10:00:05 AM
theres a fifth aliens film that involves a robot turning evil unexpectedly and a xenomorh showing up after a bit

a herd of seals clap their hands wilst a man, after a couple of failed attempts, pushes his head up his own bum so far that his head bursts out of his own back


An English man rolls round in whats left of the filth of a dead Swiss man in a rainy multi storey carpark,

members of the audience ram maltesers in their mouth and are glad they are not in work
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: spamwangler on May 14, 2017, 10:01:22 AM
an aspiring teenage film maker decides that maybe a life of dominoes pizza and nitrous oxide might be more fullfilling
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: spamwangler on May 14, 2017, 10:04:23 AM
if you want a vision of the future, imagine an unpaid intern rubbing KY jelly into a rubber xenomorh suit for ever
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: spamwangler on May 14, 2017, 10:09:33 AM
a man gives his child the same present for his birthday every year, - that is to say, he steals it a month before, drags it behind a car for a bit so it dosent quite look the same, and gives it back to him.

the son dosent know if hes doing it out of tight-fistedness, malice, or he thinks hes some sort of genuis artist, re working his old material in dazzling new ways, but he suspects that all of those things probably rise to the surface in the shit soup that is his dads brain now.

as his dad reveals the latest iteration, he dons his party hat and claps like a seal. at least hes not in work. he rams down fistful of maltesers, the tang of KY in his nostrils
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: spamwangler on May 14, 2017, 10:15:40 AM
2045, a run down flat in doncaster, every available surface is covered in either tinfoil, or has black bin bags gaffa taped to it.

"sorry, whats my motivation for this scene?"

a wild eyed burnt out husk of a man stares right though her and pours another industrial sized tub of KY onto her head.

a seal writhes in a bath of lubricant in the downstairs toilet, decked out in custom made SnM gear
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: spamwangler on May 14, 2017, 10:31:24 AM
a man hammers a redundant  point home in lurid gruesome detail to the passive enjoyment of some, perhaps, no.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Quincey on May 14, 2017, 02:17:37 PM
Theresa May winning the election on June 9th. We can't let this happen.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: spamwangler on May 14, 2017, 04:30:25 PM
fishing a condom out of a canal, hurling it at a parked bus, tears of laughter falling, rolling around in the freshly cut grass, divorced at last
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: BlodwynPig on May 14, 2017, 04:31:38 PM
An infant, lost, for 24 years, in Shoe Zone.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: BlodwynPig on May 14, 2017, 04:34:27 PM
Harold is reunited with his family.

24 years.

In Shoe Zone.

The next day. He's gone again.

Back to Shoe Zone.

Several weeks later, the Washington Galleries Shoe Zone closes. Harold passes peacefully into oblivion.

His body never recovered among the insoles and spare laces.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lXRJEo5k-Ss (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lXRJEo5k-Ss)
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Sydward Lartle on May 14, 2017, 04:34:41 PM
Norman, 43, downloads a video from a file-sharing site titled 'Taylor Swift's hot wet cunt'.

Turns out it's a video of Ed Sheeran in the bath.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on May 14, 2017, 05:39:13 PM
A ham sandwich is forgotten about
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Sydward Lartle on May 14, 2017, 05:55:21 PM
A suicide note which reads, simply, 'all I ever wanted was to meet Roy Walker'.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: spamwangler on May 14, 2017, 06:02:52 PM
A suicide note which reads, simply, 'all I ever wanted was to meet Roy Walker'.

its Roy Walker's suicide note
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Sydward Lartle on May 14, 2017, 06:16:44 PM
its Roy Walker's suicide note

"Riiiiiight!"
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: JoeyBananaduck on May 14, 2017, 06:42:25 PM
Les Dennis has a crywank over an old episode of The Grimleys. His lust sated, he proceeds to throw darts at a board with a picture of Neil Morrissey. "She left you too, Neil. And I've won" he gloats to himself, "I was in Extras. Ricky fucking Gervais. Where's your career now, 'mate'?"

It is 12 years since Les' episode of Extras aired.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Sydward Lartle on May 14, 2017, 06:44:07 PM
I think Les Dennis really did have the last laugh, because he wasn't in Run For Your Wife. Also, he still looks reasonably chipper, whereas Neil Morrissey has aged to the extent that he now looks like an old man befuddled at his own paunch and encroaching Alzheimer's.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: JoeyBananaduck on May 14, 2017, 06:53:16 PM
I think Les Dennis really did have the last laugh, because he wasn't in Run For Your Wife. Also, he still looks reasonably chipper, whereas Neil Morrissey has aged to the extent that he now looks like an old man befuddled at his own paunch and encroaching Alzheimer's.

Probably a fair assessment really. Plus Les had his Corrie stint now that I come to think of it.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Vodka Margarine on May 14, 2017, 07:53:01 PM
For her school project, a sensitive and talented eleven year old girl constructs a painstakingly crafted homemade balsa wood device that 'kills all bullies'.

Her teacher ridicules her mercilessly in front of the entire class, helping to create a future emotional fuck up and lifelong social outcast.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on May 14, 2017, 08:45:15 PM
Stan kicks all remaining life out of a world class vet.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Sydward Lartle on May 14, 2017, 09:17:06 PM
An eminent scientist discovers that John Merrick, 'the Elephant Man', used to look relatively normal until he started eating oven chips.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Glebe on May 15, 2017, 06:08:35 AM
"Peep-peep!" went the train, and with an additional "pipe-pipe" he was on his way, little knowing that twenty minutes from now he'd knock a cow sixty feet into a playground.

It's the twirl of the finger and the 'dip' of the elbow, and that's the signal for the village newcomer to be escorted to the Wicker Man. And that's another fine day here in Devon!

"This is your driver speaking. I'm afraid there's a problem on the line, and so we may be sitting here for anywhere up to three hours. But to lift spirits, I will be playing The Very Best of Chris de Burgh over the speakers. Sing along if you like!"

Mavis always knew she liked margarine, but she only truly discovered just how much when she walked 12 miles in a rainstorm to a closed Aldi.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: BlodwynPig on May 15, 2017, 08:29:56 AM
A curmudgeon, returning to a beloved comedy forum after a hacking incident, sags noticeably upon reading "a fine session ale" in the first thread he opens.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: BlodwynPig on May 15, 2017, 08:34:20 AM
"This is your driver speaking. I'm afraid there's a problem on the line, and so we may be sitting here for anywhere up to three hours. But to lift spirits, I will be playing The Very Best of Chris de Burgh over the speakers. Sing along if you like!"

...and they do...every single passenger, except for you.

Quote
There's a Spanish train that runs between
Guadalquivir and old Saville,
And at dead of night the whistle blows,
and people hear she's running still...

It's 1989, so you find it pretty easy to get outside...

Quote
And then they hush their children back to sleep,
Lock the doors, upstairs they creep,
For it is said that the souls of the dead
Fill that train ten thousand deep!!

unfortunately you step into the path of a thundering 125 from Edinburgh

Quote
Well a railwayman lay dying with his people by his side,
His family were crying, knelt in prayer before he died,
But above his bed just a-waiting for the dead,
Was the Devil with a twinkle in his eye,
"Well God's not around and look what I've found,
this one's mine!!"
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Glebe on May 15, 2017, 01:51:28 PM
Keith lands his first-ever TV gig, and slides comfortably into his role as presenter of That's Suffolk!
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on May 15, 2017, 02:15:35 PM
A bastard is a bastard to a potato.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Sydward Lartle on May 15, 2017, 03:20:46 PM
A 51 year old comedy fan finds a torrent of every single episode of Alas Smith and Jones.

In Finnish. With no subtitles.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Spoon of Ploff on May 15, 2017, 03:22:02 PM
A horse throws a shoe.

Into a babys face.

Giving her an Omega shaped scar.

She grows up being called Omega face.

This leads to a number of mental and emotional issues.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Spoon of Ploff on May 15, 2017, 06:09:04 PM
On the recommendation of his agent Ronnie Pickering learns to play the Northumberland pipes.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Glebe on May 15, 2017, 07:41:41 PM
A 60 year-old nursemaid gets angry at an onion she can't peel.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: BlodwynPig on May 15, 2017, 07:50:12 PM
Dead in a basket. No reason found.
Tucked up in a down blanket. Safe and sound.

Mikka, 24, DJ, Slough. RIP
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Glebe on May 15, 2017, 07:51:49 PM
"Washing machines live longer with Calgon!" But people don't.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Sydward Lartle on May 15, 2017, 09:40:27 PM
Sad Paul spends £400 on a backstage meet-and-greet ticket for a Cheryl Cole (or whatever her name is now) concert.

Two hours later, his mate Barry wins a weekend at Butlin's Minehead with the Saturdays for the price of a phone call to This Morning.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Sydward Lartle on May 15, 2017, 10:15:22 PM
An orderly queue in Hades to give Ian Brady a fisting on his arrival gets rudely pushed aside by a bolshy Jimmy Savile insisting he goes first. Balls-deep.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Glebe on May 15, 2017, 11:17:46 PM
You are cordially invited to come foxhunting with Chris de Burgh on a housing estate in the Irish Midlands.

Your wife goes on Mumsnet and describes your penis as "floppy nonsense."
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: spamwangler on May 16, 2017, 01:24:19 PM
"DONT GIVE ME THAT FUCKING BULLSHIT ASIF"

Hermes deliveries internet chat enquirers line:


man furiously allcaps attacks an Indian call centre man (on about .50p an hour) demanding to know

where the FUCK the man (paid roughly 4.50 an hour) delivering his JD sports jogging bottoms is.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Glebe on May 16, 2017, 01:48:33 PM
Hermes pops round to Sisyphus to tell him that the gods have pardoned him, but Sisyphus has already done a legger yonks ago.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: BlodwynPig on May 16, 2017, 05:26:04 PM
It stirs no more...
...and if truth be told, it never really stirred before
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: masterofreality on May 16, 2017, 06:21:00 PM
https://www.theguardian.com/politics/2017/may/16/somerset-can-the-lib-dems-flourish-after-tim-farron-leaves-the-stage (https://www.theguardian.com/politics/2017/may/16/somerset-can-the-lib-dems-flourish-after-tim-farron-leaves-the-stage)

This is the town where my Dad grew up — 15 mins drive from Weston-super-Mare. One of the most awful places in all creation. People go to live there when they’re afraid of dying, because there’s no realistic prospect of noticing the difference. Half the people are so close to destitution that they live in rented caravans. And everyone votes Tory, for fear that a Labour government would tax away the pot they aspire, one day, to piss in, and give it to an immigrant.

O Farron! Behold the breadth of this domain and weep; there are no finer worlds to conquer.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Vodka Margarine on May 16, 2017, 08:12:56 PM
Eighteen year old Basil Brush enthusiast Basil realises he was named after the John Cleese character, not his lifelong puppet idol. He pledges to vote Conservative for all eternity.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Glebe on May 16, 2017, 09:09:18 PM
A seagull spends 12 hours trapped on a busy road.

James May goes for a kebab with Ed Sheeran. He farts during an uncomfotable silence.

Ned, the lovely man next door, has a mannequin and a doll he pretends are his wife and child. The doll is the wife.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on May 16, 2017, 11:30:07 PM
A ribbon of lemon zest is glued to a gibbon's arse.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: JoeyBananaduck on May 17, 2017, 12:15:30 AM
The cheque is written. "YES. FUCKING YES, mate. This is what we've been looking for. This is what the public want! Solid gold written all over it."

They shall dine heartily in the household of the man who created ITV1's Big Heads tonight.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Glebe on May 17, 2017, 02:58:26 AM
Tags never come back to the forum.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Spoon of Ploff on May 17, 2017, 05:46:54 AM
A man defecates on a dead wasp.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on May 17, 2017, 08:13:52 AM
Benjamin Zephaniah is treated with impertinence at a roadside kiosk.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: BlodwynPig on May 17, 2017, 08:15:47 AM
A ribbon of lemon zest is glued to a gibbon's arse.

Possibly the highlight of my May.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: BlodwynPig on May 17, 2017, 08:17:10 AM
A failed explorer digs a hole in the ground in the tiny back garden of his one bedroom bungalow.
"Fortune favours the grave" he whispers to himself.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Spoon of Ploff on May 17, 2017, 06:05:36 PM
A bluebottle sucks the condensation off a bald child's head.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Glebe on May 17, 2017, 06:11:27 PM
Richard Hammond gets a sudden urge to kill a hedgehog on a drive to Skegness. Pulling over next to a pub, he grabs a jack from the boot and goes ruffling through a foliage.

A high-maintenence mum stacks her kids in the rear of her 4x4 so that there's more room for a shopping spree.

A couple of posh teens sit behind a lonely old man on the bus and start loudly discussing their 'relationships' and latest globetrotting adventures.

Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: the midnight watch baboon on May 17, 2017, 11:23:16 PM
A newly discovered, horrible disease is named 'Terry'.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: the midnight watch baboon on May 17, 2017, 11:34:28 PM
A glib heart surgeon draws a black star on the back of his hand after a failed bypass renders his patient dead.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: BlodwynPig on May 17, 2017, 11:37:58 PM
No reason to live, no reason to die
I only get up for my Frey Bentos pie
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: cptspalding on May 18, 2017, 12:24:59 AM
The pilot Morph films recovered from the estate of Tony H.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Glebe on May 18, 2017, 12:32:28 AM
Mike from Harrow.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Spoon of Ploff on May 18, 2017, 05:45:49 AM
No reason to live, no reason to die
I only get up for my Frey Bentos pie

.. XXL t-shirts with this legend are seen in increasing numbers in South Shields.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Spoon of Ploff on May 18, 2017, 05:47:56 AM
Brian from Eastchurch struggles to remember the details of that one dream where he's convinced he experienced happiness.

That moment each morning when the pope realizes he's catholic.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: zomgmouse on May 18, 2017, 05:52:11 AM
cold pink chicken in a greasy red box
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Glebe on May 18, 2017, 07:46:51 AM
A young white middle-class liberal becomes uncomfortable when a sad-looking Nigerian woman sits next to him on the bus. She moves slightly and he says "Sorry" for no reason and she looks at him suspiciously.

A cack realizes it's fate.

Bernie Bumpkins isn't feeling bumptious!
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: BlodwynPig on May 18, 2017, 07:53:33 AM
It would have pushed for the You've Been Framed best video award if not for the fact it went unrecorded and the farmers body was almost unrecognisable in the slurry
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Spoon of Ploff on May 18, 2017, 08:04:58 AM
It would have pushed for the You've Been Framed best video award if not for the fact it went unrecorded and the farmers body was almost unrecognisable in the slurry

Nice. Not enough references to slurry pits since Night Light radio finished.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: BlodwynPig on May 18, 2017, 08:12:07 AM
Nice. Not enough references to slurry pits since Night Light radio finished.

You're joking. Only the other day someone reposted a news report concerning the slurry fetishist.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on May 18, 2017, 10:13:18 AM
A man's dying wish is for that tin of meatballs on the side to go to a good home.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Vodka Margarine on May 18, 2017, 10:42:29 AM
Reluctant Saturday custody dad Leon flings a frisbee straight into young Sheeran's mouth, obliterating any chance of teeth. The world greyly continues.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: dex on May 18, 2017, 05:54:04 PM
Reluctant Saturday custody dad Leon flings a frisbee straight into young Sheeran's mouth, obliterating any chance of teeth. The world greyly continues.

Jamie, the estate nonce is very much looking forward to a gummy from young Sheeran soon.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Glebe on May 18, 2017, 09:43:50 PM
53 year-old former sailor Craig reminisces about a submarine gang bang at his little nephew's birthday party.

Alan Sugar helps charity by offering half-price bottles of tap water to thirsty Africans.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Cuntbeaks on May 18, 2017, 10:32:38 PM
A teenager's gunt develops a camel toe.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Spoon of Ploff on May 19, 2017, 06:38:52 AM
You're joking. Only the other day someone reposted a news report concerning the slurry fetishist.

A CaBer is rebuked in the Desolation thread.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: BlodwynPig on May 19, 2017, 08:30:11 AM
An moderately obese loner has had an erection for 2 weeks in anticipation of receipt of a top of the range VR set-up. State-of-the-art goggles, ultra-precision sensor suit, and a load of Porn worlds to explore.

Three hours later his body is discovered by a heroin addict who has just clambered through the tiny toilet window.

Playing back the VR simulation, from the DVD found at the scene, to see what may have caused his demise, the police investigators witness the man entering a palatial brothel in an Arab landscape. The crowd of naked olive-skinned beauties glance toward the VR avatar and recoil in horror. A number of swarthy men in black linen enter the room, approach the avatar and start beating the living shit out of it.

The case is closed.

In a dingy Otley crack house, a emaciated man, cock out, slips on the VR goggles and sensor suit...
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: JoeyBananaduck on May 19, 2017, 11:00:32 AM
As he lies drifting in and out of consciousness, an elderly and dying man recalls the most romantic words ever spoken to him. He conjures up her image in his mind. The obese 61 year old lollipop lady he encountered in a B&B in Filey. It all comes flooding back:

"Shurrup yer mucky bastard. Get yer pint down yer and take me upstair and I'll let yer 'ave a bash on these."

 
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Glebe on May 19, 2017, 11:40:46 AM
A man in rural County Waterford watches a DVD of Yes, Minister. There is a sterile atmos to go along with the faint stink of cow dung.

A manky old cassette tape of an old Tom O' Connor performance makes a slow Bank Holiday drive to Cleethorpes go waaaaaaaay quicker...
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Mr Brightside on May 19, 2017, 06:32:42 PM
A bloke in his thirties uploads audio files to a niche comedy forum of himself quacking the melodies of popular songs.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Glebe on May 19, 2017, 09:32:44 PM
As Marvin lies on the couch farting, he spies through the window a jackdaw tossing a slug at a chaffinch.

A cemetery behind a Tesco Express in Grimsby.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: JoeyBananaduck on May 19, 2017, 09:44:23 PM
A necrophile has a tearful moment of self-awareness as he wonders what his late wife would think of the disgusting things he does to corpses now. Then a second, hornier thought immediately occurs: what disgusting things would he be doing if he could see his late wife now?! Phwoooaaaar.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: dex on May 20, 2017, 02:26:08 AM
James Blunt's new album out. Later this year.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: pancreas on May 20, 2017, 03:04:41 AM
Oh dear, what can the matter be?
Poor Little Peter's got stuck in the lavatory.
He'll be there from Sunday to Saturday,
And ever more, cos he's starved.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Glebe on May 20, 2017, 06:47:01 AM
Darren buys a yogurt from a drear newsagent in the north of England. It's out of date.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Spoon of Ploff on May 20, 2017, 08:53:08 AM
A chaffinch flinches in the face of chaff... some thrown chaff causes a chaffinch to flinch...  a flinching chaffinch disturbs some chaff...




Blimey.. I.. need to up my game here.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: BlodwynPig on May 20, 2017, 08:56:37 AM
Spoon of Ploff...his meter is off...giving us room to scoff at the witless toff who looks like Frank Bough..,on cocaine...enough
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Spoon of Ploff on May 20, 2017, 08:59:34 AM
A keen amature photographer with scant understanding of copyright law discovers images from his flickr account appearing in campaign material for the Tory party.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Glebe on May 20, 2017, 10:57:37 AM
A gallstone sits contentedly in Jim's gallbladder, giving him right old gyp and generally being a cunt.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Vodka Margarine on May 20, 2017, 11:34:39 AM
The last four surviving members of once buoyant telegraph pole spotter's club The Graffers finally decide to call it a day. Leading 'pole head' Peter gradually transfers his obsessive nature to the world of strong cider.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: spamwangler on May 20, 2017, 01:17:26 PM
a bad man watches out of his garden window as a magpie eats a poison chip
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Glebe on May 20, 2017, 01:29:03 PM
Sally Gumption's ambition? "To be the next Pam Ayres!" she chuckles, but sadly this dream will never come to fruition.

A woman gets an abortion because the baby "might not be the right style I wanted."
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: zomgmouse on May 20, 2017, 02:54:06 PM
Brag about thimbles
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on May 20, 2017, 03:01:29 PM
Yes!, exclaims Derek. What a deal.

The Space Raiders have all been consumed within the hour.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on May 20, 2017, 08:20:18 PM
Vernon arrives at the row of urinals and takes up position in between two guys silently pissing.

"Hashtag just killed two people. Cheers."
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Glebe on May 20, 2017, 08:27:43 PM
A punnet of strawberries goes bleachy white in the last cold sunrays of an autumnal garden.

Keith wanks at a busstop.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: fit bird on May 20, 2017, 09:47:13 PM
He has to use anti dandruff shampoo.
On his back.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Glebe on May 20, 2017, 10:58:55 PM
You meet up with some Facebook 'friends'. Nothing in common.

Jeremy slams a toucan into a varnished oak tabletop.

Horace was willing to do jail time for a feel of some train carriage ass.

Lucinda's shoes have all little Pokemons on them. 54, she is.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Quote on May 20, 2017, 11:38:31 PM
An alcoholic's mobility scooter sits badly parked outside the pub, the shopping basket still sodden with last night's vomit.

Another knife fight at the bingo hall. Even the Grannies are tooled up these days.

A grey, drizzly British morning as you sit silently on the bus waiting for Ronald the local simpleton to count out his bus fare in 2p pieces. He's very bad at maths.

At a run down nursing home Bill shits himself just for some attention.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: JoeyBananaduck on May 21, 2017, 06:07:02 AM
A 89 year old woman with alzheimers has her memory briefly triggered by the strains of the largely unchanged Coronation Street theme tune.

'Ooh, that's familiar....'

She uses her zimmer and every ounce of strength to follow the sound to the communal area of the nursing home where the show plays to an empty room.

'Corrie! That's what it was. Stan and 'ilda! And then there was.....Vera and Jack something.....Heehee, I used to watch it a lot when Bernie was still alive.'

Engaged in something for the first time in 3 years, she lowers herself into an easy chair. The next 30 minutes are among the most baffling, upsetting and disorienting of her life as she sits through the climax of Bethany Platt's sex-ring/grooming storyline.

'Well why's he carrying that girl off to that roo.....oh. Oh dear. Oh I don't think I like this.'

Did the strain of her independent ambulation combined with the upset and feelings of resignation mean she passed away in the easy chair, viewers? You can decide how desolate you like it.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on May 21, 2017, 09:08:42 AM
A man discovers a pub dedicated to the Nagano 98 Winter Olympic games.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Glebe on May 21, 2017, 04:32:53 PM
Derek from Morecambe uses his sinister magical abilities to profit via his three cherubic kids; "So toddlers three, abscond to Tesco, and steal me some of that lovely Bisto!"
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Spoon of Ploff on May 21, 2017, 07:39:19 PM
Sally spends her Sunday afternoon drinking fruit teas, and giggling to 'Gif with Sound' montages on YouTube.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Glebe on May 21, 2017, 09:28:36 PM
Sally Gunnell spends her Sunday afternoon drinking special brew, and giggling to 'Gif with Sound' montages on Dailymotion.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: the midnight watch baboon on May 21, 2017, 11:05:30 PM
A raped balloon animal unfolds into just another listless, inflatable gutter baguette
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Glebe on May 21, 2017, 11:24:58 PM
Gerry Adams recalls the time he got a boner when Mo Mowlam squeezed his cheeks.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: JoeyBananaduck on May 22, 2017, 03:55:50 AM
A mild-mannered and depressed geography teacher finally stumbles upon the livejournal page created by one of his students in 1999 entitled 'Top 10 Reasons Why Mr. Wilby Is A Gay Wanker'. The details are awfully specific.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: JoeyBananaduck on May 22, 2017, 03:59:33 AM
A clumsy and morbidly obese amateur burlesque performer fails to realise they aren't laughing with her.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Glebe on May 22, 2017, 11:52:54 AM
Prince Phillip gets bored at home and kills and eats the corgis.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Bazooka on May 22, 2017, 12:08:23 PM
Phillip Schofield is diagnosed with eczema live on This Morning by the on set doctor, the show is taken off air although Schofields mic is left on, the sound of sobbing and dry skin being scratched off is beamed across the nation.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Norton Canes on May 22, 2017, 01:15:35 PM
Morgan cries to himself and wonders when anything's going to change.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Glebe on May 22, 2017, 01:49:26 PM
In an alternate universe, Terry and June's cautionary fallout shelter is brought into use; they survive, but the results are some way less than "hilarious".
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Glebe on May 22, 2017, 11:33:17 PM
A roadsweep discovers a particularly interesting scrap of rubbish on his daily route. He takes it home and examines in intensely for three hours, before adding it to his collection. When the wife gets in he points at the glass display cabinet on the sideboard and asks her, "Notice anything different?"

Theresa May dances to The Stones' 'Brown Sugar' at a pheasant shooting fundraiser.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on May 23, 2017, 06:08:52 AM
A verger burps sick at a gurning contest.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Glebe on May 23, 2017, 06:40:21 AM
In the basement of a dirty old Chicago office building in the 1970's, a destitute sicko inscribes cruel medieval tableaux to his heart's content.

A Rainbow special is filmed on location in Austin, Texas, but there's something so 'not right' about this that Geoffrey gets an existential panic attack and has to be airlifted home. To make matters worse, he is accidentally flown back across the Atlantic on a stretcher suspended from a helicopter.

A bright young lad is trying to convince himself that he's having a great time at the village fete, but by the time the tombola is wheeled out, a sudden, bitter emotion begs to differ.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: JoeyBananaduck on May 23, 2017, 08:45:51 AM
A mentally ill 12 year old boy who suffers from parental abuse goes on the internet to see what the world thinks of the kind of man he hopes to be in the future. There follows an unsuccessful attempt to snip off his own genitalia with a pair of Crayola safety scissors.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Glebe on May 23, 2017, 11:11:01 PM
Kay Burley calls for more bobbies on the beat. She is immediately contacted by Carol Voderman, who suggests, "Time was when you'd pop y'head out the window at any hour of the day or night and there'd always be a bobby on the beat." To her surprize, Kay tells her to fuck off and never to call her at home again.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Vodka Margarine on May 23, 2017, 11:12:21 PM
Kevin McCloud calmly assists his niece's hamster to oblivion when it fails to sufficiently appreciate its very own Art Deco cage.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: zomgmouse on May 24, 2017, 08:15:21 AM
knives blunt with years of rubbing against concrete, the only music you could ever make
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: dex on May 24, 2017, 11:02:31 PM
New York City in the 1980's. Its the morning after the night before at the Anvil Club and the janitor has to start cleaning up...
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Glebe on May 25, 2017, 12:20:50 AM
Geoff travels from Dungeness to Ullapool to see a man about a broken old Tefal coffee maker, which he may be able to fix up. After coming to the conclusion that the item does not satisfy his personal requirements, he suddenly realises he hasn't got the fare home, and has to walk it.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on May 25, 2017, 02:17:10 PM
The pub The Champion shows a montage titled  'John Terry's Greatest Moments' for five hours solid on its only busy evening of the week.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: JoeyBananaduck on May 25, 2017, 02:40:17 PM
A recovering alcoholic fresh out of rehab tracks down his sweetheart.

"I'm a better man now, Sarah! I know what my problems were. I understand where it was all coming from! I've dealt with it. I feel so much freer. I don't need the bottle anymore, love. I'll never touch a drop again, I swear! It's all so clear to me now. I'm so, so sorry for the times I was selfish. Please be with me and I'll make you the happiest woman on Earth."

As he kneels to propose, he fatefully overtrusts a fart.

Two hours later, the off-license.

"Bottle of Jack".
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Glebe on May 25, 2017, 02:49:07 PM
"Coffee?"

It had been a lovely evening, and Joss was hoping she'd say yes... and to his surprise - she did!

Entering the apartment, the first thing she laid eyes on was the Ken doll in a 'compromising' position. When Joss turned around, she had gone.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: the midnight watch baboon on May 26, 2017, 07:55:29 AM
Billy Dee Williams uses spoiled kernels of sweetcorn with which to outline crude, buxom wanking fodder
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: zomgmouse on May 26, 2017, 11:15:22 AM
bin allergy
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Twit 2 on May 26, 2017, 06:04:27 PM
A damselfly careens into a chemical toilet.

Cornwall changes its iconic dish from a pasty to an AIDS-ridden contraceptive coil.

John Lithgow's niece fails at the key elements of life.

A man emails himself pictures of a cleaner's tits.

An Islamicist's prayer mat is found to contain geometric patterns depicting pig rape.

A lost property box is lost.

Dave buys a new shirt from Debenhams then kicks a housewife's head in.

Steven Spielberg says he'll only direct the worse kind of porn from now on.

A duckling falls into a bastard's garden.


Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Glebe on May 26, 2017, 07:47:37 PM
Jeg Gubbins has almost bought enough tins of beans to make his very own 'supermarket stack'... almost...
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Vodka Margarine on May 26, 2017, 10:05:33 PM
A confident Cheggers travels to Aberdeen to audition for the role of Widow Twankey. Shouldn't have bothered. Three trains and five fucking buses. Later on he finds himself naked in an Asda car park, losing a game of cider can football against himself.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: cptspalding on May 27, 2017, 12:20:18 AM
A harried mother walks her 5 children home from their school. Screaming, crying, arguing. She can hardly take any more. The second youngest pulls on mummy's dress to tell her that the youngest has got their hand stuck in a storm drain. Mummy has snapped and pretends not to hear. She carries on walking, tears welling up

Over the next few months, the mother cultivates a fantasy where the drain people adopted her youngest and reared it as their own. She wonders if the drain people celebrate birthdays. In her fantasy world it would have been his birthday tomorrow and the ravenous carnivore drain people would throw him a wonderful party.



Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Glebe on May 27, 2017, 07:49:33 AM
A naan bread is thrown at a copper and lodges in his helmet.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Spoon of Ploff on May 27, 2017, 08:35:12 AM
Harry reckons it's 'too hot to think' in a 2000 word blog post six people from Leeds will be obliged to scroll through.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on May 27, 2017, 08:47:14 AM
In Cochem, Reynhard pays 30 euros to fart into a caterer's face.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Glebe on May 27, 2017, 11:18:29 AM
Paul from Peterborough borrows a pen off his neighbour so he can transcribe episodes of Terry and June.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Berthas Fat Leg on May 27, 2017, 04:43:56 PM
A man staggering through a sex drought discovers his wife was a right slut at college.

Two fuck-ugly dog walkers exchanging blows near a melted choc-ice is only the third most depressing thing you've seen today.

A memelord dropkicks a gerbil into the ether.



Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Glebe on May 27, 2017, 10:47:23 PM
As the cars pass you by, the passengers' faces become big, stretched projections, looking weirdly around on the windshields.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: dex on May 27, 2017, 11:52:23 PM
Terry's wanking hand is blown clean off when he hits a WWII landmine while digging in his garden.

Proper on his knees and wailing at the sky.

NYAAAAAAAAAAAA!
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: dex on May 27, 2017, 11:54:12 PM
Jamie's latest suicide attempt goes wrong when the gas runs out. Fucking smart meters!

Last time he forgot to shorten the rope and just banged his knees on the floor.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Glebe on May 28, 2017, 10:31:03 AM
Jenny buys a bobble hat. She decides it's too small the next day but they won't replace it.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Berthas Fat Leg on May 28, 2017, 09:56:28 PM
A gran accidentally sends 307 poop emojis to her miscarriage-bereaving daughter.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Glebe on May 28, 2017, 11:02:39 PM
Peter likes Tic Tacs. So much so, in fact, that it's become a serious sexual problem.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: the midnight watch baboon on May 28, 2017, 11:09:23 PM
Mark barbecues a hundredweight of corks just to rouse a scolding from a carp.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: zomgmouse on May 30, 2017, 06:05:51 AM
the puddle isn't massive but it's full of ancient mice
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Glebe on May 30, 2017, 08:38:06 PM
"Evening, Munch Flakes!" Another busy, dynamic day for Jonathan Muggins, as he rises at 7PM for breakfast.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: JoeyBananaduck on May 30, 2017, 08:59:06 PM
A heavily pregnant woman unabashedly continues her 40 a day fag habit. When the baby is born grossly underweight and she is informed that 'the chances aren't good' she nonchalantly responds 'yeah, thought that might happen. Probably the fags.'

A terminally ill bloke decides he wants to spend what, it transpires is the last evening of his life, watching his favourite film of all time, Casablanca. He opens the case to discover his son has stuck The Mighty Boosh Series 2 in it. "Might as well give it a go"

A chronic depressive is encouraged by his counsellor to take part in some volunteer work. At the local animal shelter an inexplicably pissed off ferret bites half of his nose off.

A compulsive masturbator seeks physicatric help. "Now then Miss Jones, make yourself comfortable on the couch and tell me why you're not feeling yourself.'
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Bazooka on May 30, 2017, 10:41:39 PM
Samson the village butcher bans all lesbians from his shop just to spite his lesbian father.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Glebe on May 31, 2017, 05:39:47 AM
Morrissey orders cold cuts at a deli in LA. The lovely, meaty pieces are served to him by a Pakistani man, whom he scowls at.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: zomgmouse on May 31, 2017, 06:08:58 AM
A globule of bar juice drips from the sponge and onto a passed-out child
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Glebe on May 31, 2017, 10:41:33 AM
Woody Allen dances down 5th Avenue to the sound of Paul Simon's 'Diamonds on the Soles of Her Shoes', kicking a tramp's face in the process.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Glebe on May 31, 2017, 07:24:10 PM
"Gwonks" Boyle fills a paddling pool, puts his two dead stoats in it and pretends that they're swimming!

George from Preston gifts an apple to a bus shelter because mental illness.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: spamwangler on May 31, 2017, 10:39:01 PM
a man is betrayed by his ferret

he barely moves for five hours, 2 hours before the incident, 3 after
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Glebe on May 31, 2017, 10:44:06 PM
Harold's goose develops an intense anxiety about Lemsip.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: zomgmouse on June 01, 2017, 08:15:20 AM
Jesus appears on a stolen bicycle. It is nighttime and no one pays heed.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Glebe on June 01, 2017, 08:22:41 AM
Jesus appears on a stolen bicycle. It is nighttime and no one pays heed.

That's lovely!

In 18th Century France, a rogue known only as the Elusive Pumperknickle fails to take off, and is quickly forgotten about.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: spamwangler on June 01, 2017, 01:46:54 PM
Jesus appears on a stolen bicycle. It is nighttime and no one pays heed.

is he the cunt that nicked my bike last week? ill turn his cheek with the back of my hand, the prick
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: BlodwynPig on June 01, 2017, 05:27:57 PM
Haven't had a real one for a while?

Morrison's - Cowgate, Newcastle - a trellis table hosts the monthly Morrison's Raffle.

1st Prize - a massive box of dog food
4th Prize - a bottle of Blossom Hill Rose wine

I didn't look what the 2nd and 3rd prizes were, but I suspect one of them featured mince.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Nice Relaxing Poo on June 01, 2017, 07:30:35 PM
Shitted pants in the morning at primary school, PE in the afternoon and you've forgotten your shorts..
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: BlodwynPig on June 01, 2017, 08:19:23 PM
Shitted pants in the morning at primary school, PE in the afternoon and you've forgotten your shorts..

Pantless on a bus to town. No-one raises an eyebrow
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: the midnight watch baboon on June 01, 2017, 10:44:57 PM
Ravel Morrison flings a rusted hammer at Lewisham's only bee
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Glebe on June 02, 2017, 08:01:49 AM
Paddington Bear kills a man.

"411... 412... this is a new record for rabbit droppings! But I'd better do a recount, just in case."
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on June 02, 2017, 06:17:39 PM
A recovering alcoholic ex-game show host has a torpid wank over a brief mundane public appearance by his still-famous long gone ex-wife.

Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Glebe on June 02, 2017, 11:14:16 PM
A gulimot sprains it's neck trying to peer around at a chaffinch nest.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: JoeyBananaduck on June 03, 2017, 01:50:09 AM
The only conversation a 25 year old has all day is with his toothbrush. Transcribed in full:

"Why do your bristles keep coming out, you bastard? I'm going to have to fork out for a new one aren't I?"
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Glebe on June 03, 2017, 03:29:04 AM
A Wombles reunion ends badly when a plastered Orinoco accuses Madame Cholet of adultery.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Glebe on June 03, 2017, 09:10:20 AM
A gross of seagulls crashes into the side of a milkman's forehead.

Bernard Onions paws helplessly at the last of the vintage brandy.

A weekend in Cheltenham is ruined when a diarrhea bout returns.

Nettie Greggins is largely unsuccessful in changing her name by deed poll.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on June 03, 2017, 05:40:54 PM
A brainless Rotherham wart aimlessly knobs a 20p into the fruity
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Glebe on June 03, 2017, 06:42:27 PM
An owl fucks itself over a fence in retaliation for spying a local 'environmentalist' toss a Mars Bar at a pigeon coop.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: JoeyBananaduck on June 03, 2017, 07:04:11 PM
A gormless fox who's just unsuccessfully tried to copulate maliciously pisses on a toadstool fully aware that it is being occupied by a ladybird.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Glebe on June 03, 2017, 09:16:57 PM
A Maynard's factory goes haywire, and produces a giant wine gum that demolishes half of Scarborough.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on June 03, 2017, 11:15:31 PM
A frit ghast voids dreadful bowels on a motorway bridge near Pontefract.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: JoeyBananaduck on June 04, 2017, 04:35:38 AM
Through supernatural forces, for a brief moment an Alsatian is aware of the full horror of the human race. Having rabidly torn off his leash and left his owner, he promptly finds a quiet corner in which to literally shit himself to death.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Glebe on June 04, 2017, 08:24:37 AM
Through supernatural forces

Heh!

A wandering minstrel wandered into a launderette where a full-blown row was taking place between the hot-headed owner and his gives-as-good-as-it-gets wife. He'd never heard Greek swearing before, so this was a new experience. Hiding in a clothes basket, he discovered Joey the kitten, who shat on him. The day ended with a cold cuppa and a stale Club bar in Greasy's Mick's Hungry Traveler café, 104 Fuckton Street, Felixstowe.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on June 04, 2017, 09:13:47 AM
A spiteful mother sets her neighbour's son on fire.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Glebe on June 04, 2017, 02:51:23 PM
John Craven proudly grips his new cricket bat and 'thwacks' a Clanger across the Blue Peter Garden. The swannee whistle was never intended to sound quite like that.

An alligator spots an Attenborough, and in a fit of pique ramps it's jaws into a tree trunk, screaming "Balls to it!"

An unloved town crier announces his retirement unheeded, then goes home and tops himself by shoving his bell into his glans.

In 1950's Dorset, the term "Twice an' fripeney" is used to quicken the pace during a human pack hunt.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: newbridge on June 04, 2017, 03:06:42 PM
(http://i1072.photobucket.com/albums/w376/Mission_Moule/FB_IMG_1496575686395_zps2kpekczw.jpg)

cross-post.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Fishfinger on June 04, 2017, 03:22:36 PM
Billy, 5, chokes to death on his sack race participation medal.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Dannyhood91 on June 04, 2017, 09:17:35 PM
A bus depot Christmas party is shut down after it gets a bit rooty tooty.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on June 04, 2017, 11:00:47 PM
A lonely disabled man from Leigh puts on some extra special noises and his best belms to get the attention of a child, the only sentient life he's seen all week.

The child approaches.

"What have you done with my football you fucking spacker"

Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Glebe on June 05, 2017, 03:24:23 AM
An apricot asks itself "Why?" before poncing gradually next to a stove and melting.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: JoeyBananaduck on June 05, 2017, 07:34:22 AM
A little pea remembers the good old days on the farm. And all the other peas he grew up with.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Dannyhood91 on June 05, 2017, 10:24:41 AM
A father and son have dick wrestles.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Berthas Fat Leg on June 06, 2017, 10:15:24 AM
Colonel Bogey is played appallingly by a simpleton.

A hideous disco song is used to mask a 1970s killing.

A barely-loved child is taken to a funfair that is neither fun, nor fair.

Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on June 06, 2017, 10:47:22 AM
A arthritic gerontophile gets hogweed sap on his favourite hinge.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Glebe on June 07, 2017, 12:13:58 AM
Michael the dolphin awaits the day the water park will finally close and he will be unceremoniously be dumped into a polluted inlet and told to fend for himself.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Glebe on June 07, 2017, 09:05:13 AM
A keen golfer whacks the ball up his bellend and trundles off to the ninth hole!
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Vodka Margarine on June 07, 2017, 03:03:46 PM
A kindly and beloved old auntie lobs some bacon at a Mecca Bingo employee 'for London and Manchester'.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Glebe on June 07, 2017, 11:12:11 PM
Graham the antelope picks at his veg, before bleating "Aw mum, I want me afters!" The animal kingdom is mad, it never fails to surprise!
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Spoon of Ploff on June 08, 2017, 07:53:14 AM
'Let the flavour flood out' sings Fred to himself, during an especially painfull bowel movement.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: zomgmouse on June 08, 2017, 07:54:32 AM
Lycra holes
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Glebe on June 08, 2017, 09:15:06 AM
Kenneth from Walthamstow finds his childhood marbles in the shed, and decides to forcefeed them lovingly, one by one, to six of Puddinham's children.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: BlodwynPig on June 08, 2017, 11:38:24 AM
Lycra holes

All-purpose lycra holes.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Fishfinger on June 08, 2017, 03:08:34 PM
The doomcloud hovering ominously above an obscure island nation solidifies into the foulest of heavenly turds and begins to plummet. Estimated time of impact: 10pm, 08/06/17.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: spamwangler on June 08, 2017, 03:17:04 PM
The sun catches a patch of wall, rendered a reflective surface by years of daily wanksocks bouncing off it, revealing the mirrored image of a man who once had his whole life ahead of him, tied to the headboard by the neck with a belt, one sock on, one in his hand

he stares himself in the eyes for the first time in a while, the faint sounds of Russian women crying emanating from the laptop on his chest
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: BlodwynPig on June 08, 2017, 03:26:52 PM
The sun catches a patch of wall, rendered a reflective surface by years of daily wanksocks bouncing off it, revealing the mirrored image of a man who once had his whole life ahead of him, tied to the headboard by the neck with a belt, one sock on, one in his hand

he stares himself in the eyes for the first time in a while, the faint sounds of Russian women crying emanating from the laptop on his chest

That was rather a strong punch to the guts. Well done.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Glebe on June 08, 2017, 07:37:29 PM
Wormy Nutkins accepts his future; tying stick insects to joss sticks in the name of 'research'.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Dannyhood91 on June 08, 2017, 08:26:52 PM
Placenta in a super soaker.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Dannyhood91 on June 08, 2017, 08:29:12 PM
A repulsive overweight child who can't speak is cruelly stuffed into a Newcastle top
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Spoon of Ploff on June 08, 2017, 08:45:28 PM
An ear worm gives birth to twins.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Glebe on June 09, 2017, 08:14:45 AM
Arnold Schwarzenegger has two illegitimate children named Munchin und Crunchin.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: jenna appleseed on June 09, 2017, 12:54:16 PM
Confused Neo-Nazis write to Skittles to thank them for bravely supporting White Pride., while a bewildered hippy is disappointed by the bags lack of actual lentils.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Glebe on June 09, 2017, 04:54:29 PM
A BBC executive refers to Gary Wilmot as "one of them," prompting protests from both racial equality and LGBT groups.

Bernie farts a banana across the office.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: dex on June 10, 2017, 02:37:25 AM
Nick Clegg is heckled out with the I'm Sorry (vocoded version) remix ringing in his ears. Bottom lip trembling and all.

Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Spoon of Ploff on June 10, 2017, 08:28:24 AM
An Austrian tourist is crushed by the Westminster bubble.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Glebe on June 10, 2017, 02:50:30 PM
53 year-old Dennis likes to hum along to The Wombles theme, which he does as he watches the entire series every day for his whole life.

A cat is left at Gatwick airport to fend for it's own, it's own, aye, it's own!
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: spamwangler on June 10, 2017, 04:03:58 PM
That was rather a strong punch to the guts. Well done.

yea sorry, i say i like the more sympathetic desolations, but then seem to only produce the more sadistic black hole type ones
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Spoon of Ploff on June 10, 2017, 05:09:29 PM
The usually fastidious Jack's sliced catch to mid-off can be entirely attributed to the fragments of cat brain still clinging to the willow of his bat.

Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Glebe on June 11, 2017, 10:55:14 AM
A tramp wakes up to find a rusty fidget spinner in his Starbucks begging cup.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: spamwangler on June 11, 2017, 10:59:45 AM
After spending a morning hanging around with a bunch of lost 30something adult-children in pajamas,
Katy Perry wishes someone would nailbomb one of her concerts
(http://i.imgur.com/uXEM1YQ.png)

(http://i.imgur.com/hmudvSZ.png)
This guy does
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Glebe on June 11, 2017, 11:57:18 AM
"Love lifts us up where we belong," sang the headmaster, passionately, "where the eagles cry, on a mountain high." He then handed Jennie the envelope which contained the letter officially expelling her from the school, her crime being "tardiness" - she had turned up at 9:01 on her first day at the school. Privately, however, the headmaster admitted that it was really because she was "a wop."
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: cptspalding on June 11, 2017, 05:52:55 PM
A dad introduces the kids to camping in a safe environment by setting up the tent in their garden. They spend the mild early June night having a surprisingly yummy BBQ, then retire under canvas.

Silly Daddy didn't normally do camping, nor cooking for that matter.  He certainly didn't read the instructions for the smouldering disposable BBQ that he dragged into the tent to keep his dearest warm before they went to sleep. A stroke of genius, he thought.

They all fell asleep really quickly. Dad was happy with how the evening went and was looking forward to going camping for real next week.

Dad briefly awoke gasping for breath sometime afterwards, his final few synapses firing to give him one more glimpse of his silent children before he too became silent.

You know how hot tents get in the morning?
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Glebe on June 11, 2017, 05:56:24 PM
A man swallows a goose whole then farts; the goose's head pops out the anus, making the most incredibly strangulated noise you've ever heard. After a fish 'n' chip suppa, this man must now make a decision; whether to let the goose live, half stuffed up his bum, or to decapitate it with the kitchen knife. Choices, choices!
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: cptspalding on June 11, 2017, 06:06:12 PM
A man orders a hooker through Quidco to get some cashback on the purchase.
The man has to put a claim in as he did not receive his 1% cashback in a timely manner.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: zomgmouse on June 12, 2017, 01:41:45 AM
MILF - Mother I'd Like to Find
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Quote on June 12, 2017, 09:54:00 AM
A group of infant school children on their Xmas visit to the local theatre are scarred for life when Miss Earl, their dippy young form teacher, opens the dressing room door upon the Crankies and their entourage - coked up, oiled and fucking like wild animals.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Glebe on June 12, 2017, 11:53:04 AM
Jill from Bexton fulfills a lifelong ambition by visiting the Garvaghy Road in county Northern Ireland.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: JoeyBananaduck on June 12, 2017, 11:59:04 AM
Morrissey wakes up, bed-raddled and bedraggled. Looks in the mirror. "Oh Christ," he thinks, his half-awakedness casting a fleeting moment of self-awareness. "It's that cunt."
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Spoon of Ploff on June 12, 2017, 12:53:13 PM
In an attempt to lighten the mood Dr Phebes holds up the scan and points out that the shadow on Lisa's lung resembles Homer Simpson in profile.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Bazooka on June 12, 2017, 02:13:53 PM
Lloyd St Gammon walks up the high street wearing a dress made of wholemeal bread slices stapled together, the disease riddled pigeons,robins and swallows that Grimsby is famous for attack ferociously, it's the suicide he always wanted.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: madhair60 on June 12, 2017, 02:24:49 PM
The first child ever to drown in a Slush Puppie. Bright blue face.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Glebe on June 12, 2017, 08:05:42 PM
You nod your head excitedly to the music and pretend to be enjoying your pint.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: JoeyBananaduck on June 13, 2017, 08:37:18 AM
A 10 year old is absolutely delighted by the Quagmire figurine his Granny obliviously purchased for his birthday. He will later treat her to the character's YouTube highlights reel.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on June 13, 2017, 09:11:24 AM
In the space of 24 hours a man goes from being in Bethlehem to being in Doncaster.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: BlodwynPig on June 13, 2017, 09:38:44 AM
In the space of 24 hours a man goes from being in Bethlehem to being in Doncaster.

In the space of 24 hours a man goes from eating exotic fruits fresh from the trees in the Amazonian jungle to being dead in Doncaster with a stomach infested with exotic worms.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on June 13, 2017, 09:45:10 AM
Ray smashes it
Smashes it out of the park
Would you look at Ray
Just smashed it mate
Smashed the rear end off that
Absolutely smashing it to fuck mate
Smashed it

Ray successfully completes the unethical telephone sale of some mechanical breakdown insurance to a pensioner who doesn't own a car. She cancels her direct debit within a week.


Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on June 13, 2017, 10:44:35 AM
Ray buys the more expensive and robust brand of bin bags to celebrate his success.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Glebe on June 13, 2017, 11:31:07 AM
Anthony, of 26 Fucklington Park, Southampton, relieves everyday miseries with a lovely cold Bovril and a game of 'Hide Ernie' in the park; this involves hiding his childhood Ernie from Sesame Street toy in a bush and trying to find it. It's always the same bush.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Cuntbeaks on June 13, 2017, 05:55:32 PM
He embraced the cancer, it defined him, people cared.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: zomgmouse on June 14, 2017, 03:39:32 AM
alarms that sound like shit whales crying
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Captain Poodle Basher on June 14, 2017, 02:27:21 PM
Wheelchair-bound Brian Stapleton, 68, gazes disconsolately out of his front window as the council workers finish off the brand new pavement outside. Not a dropped kerb to be seen.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Glebe on June 14, 2017, 08:26:43 PM
There's a new drama starting tonight - and it's pompous, humourless tosh, for a change! Hurrah!
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Vodka Margarine on June 14, 2017, 11:35:56 PM
A treasured granny artefact falls down a storm drain that's never even seen a storm.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Glebe on June 15, 2017, 12:31:57 AM
53 year-old Jock from Hounslow never grew out of his student years; and so his wife and children have to endure him coming in pissed at 4AM every Saturday and putting on a horror video. Meanwhile, wife Maria wishes he'd let her take the Groucho Marx poster down from over the cooker.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: JoeyBananaduck on June 15, 2017, 04:37:35 AM
A 6 year old rushes into his dad's bedroom (why don't mummy and daddy have a together-bedroom like they used to?) for his special birthday surprise. Phlegm mouthed and eyes still open, dad swings from the upper-wardrobe from his mod tie. Silly daddy, stop playing. Daddy?.....
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: zomgmouse on June 15, 2017, 08:30:25 AM
Old lollipops that are wool-flavoured and also textured. Their use-by has definitely gone.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Glebe on June 15, 2017, 10:32:23 AM
Reginald Suffolk's balls get itchier as the job interview continues.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Spoon of Ploff on June 15, 2017, 10:19:24 PM
A mathematics tutor reminisces about the time when calculators were real things and not just hidden invisible inside computers and phones like now. When they do the autopsy a week later they find 27 Casio fx-8100s bubbling away inside his stomach.

Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Chriddof on June 16, 2017, 01:06:04 AM
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ope4FUTLGJA
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: pancreas on June 16, 2017, 01:45:32 AM
A mathematics tutor reminisces about the time when calculators were real things and not just hidden invisible inside computers and phones like now. When they do the autopsy a week later they find 27 Casio fx-8100s bubbling away inside his stomach.

Fuck you, Sploff. That's below the belt.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Glebe on June 16, 2017, 03:25:13 PM
Norris Quiggins travels on foot from Penzance to Banff to get ripped off by paying £200 for a soiled, damaged 1970's Beano annual that's not even rare. Then someone tells him about "the eBay" and he decides to invest in a computer. 1985 Apple Mac, £500, ONO. Thurso, here he comes!
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Quote on June 16, 2017, 03:40:51 PM
Neville's fat arsed sister-in-law is mocking him again, he can hear her shrill voice from the shed where he builds and paints his Airfix models. The words 'sad' and 'loser' are clearly audible. He still hasn't forgiven her for sitting down on his Focke-Wulf last year. That was no accident.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Quote on June 16, 2017, 03:51:22 PM
A dead chicken is absentmindedly volleyed around the battery farm by Dustin, a 46-yr old volunteer with an IQ in the low 40's.

He daren't reveal the pleasure he feels as he strangles them.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Spoon of Ploff on June 16, 2017, 06:02:14 PM
Rob Scamlegs leaves the office with a spring in his step. 'Yay its the weekend!' he yells before accidently biting off the tip of his tongue.
The dark metallic taste in his mouth ruins the taste of the frey bentos pie and scrumpy jake he'd been looking forward to all day.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Glebe on June 16, 2017, 06:26:39 PM
Skegness is the venue for a camembert-tasting competition, yet sadly the mildewed slice you receive is subsequently hocked up over a promenade, frightening a seagull, two old men and a child on a trundle trike.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Dex Sawash on June 16, 2017, 09:20:31 PM
A bald man clicks his user name to check for recent  karma changes
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Glebe on June 16, 2017, 10:46:53 PM
James Whale finishes his chicken bhaji and farts. After a moment, several other customers leave.

"Nice night for it!" "Indeed it is!" Yes, there's nothing like a bit of sociopathic violence on a lovely eve like this!

Bobby Lobbins never thought he could feel like this. The sheer exhilaration brought tears streaming down his cheeks, and he rose to his feet with the fresh breeze lapping his face. "Oh life, oh beautiful life!" he shouts, shaking his fists at the sky in an impassioned gesture of victory. Yes, the weed killer had worked. THIS GARDEN WAS CLEANSED.

Sue Pippins forgets her credit card but offers Mr. Patel a blow job for the Wispa. He accepts.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: BlodwynPig on June 17, 2017, 12:49:51 AM
A bald man clicks his user name to check for recent  karma changes

There is no karma now. Never was, to be fair
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: BlodwynPig on June 17, 2017, 12:51:28 AM
A trundle bike is all he has left.

Tumble Ted emerges after 6 years away from "the scene"
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Glebe on June 17, 2017, 05:34:14 AM
Balding Tim mistreats Generous Gareth, resulting in a lack of pies presented at this year's tombola festival. "I'll never bake 'e nuther pie 'gin," remakes Gareth, "not while 'e is about, as is, aye, as is!"

Johnny Sixpence twacks his nutkins against a particularly knotty branch.

Twelve of Uncton's wallabies go missing off the coast of Fife.

Sarah, oh Sarah, leave those lumpkins alone; it's barely half past four, and already the steam is rising off the plumduffs!
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Spoon of Ploff on June 17, 2017, 08:52:54 AM
A Turner prize winner laughs at a child 's drawing of a..
 what is that, a cat?
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on June 17, 2017, 09:18:02 AM
A Snaith pin tack auditor belches during a rendition of what he believes is a song called 'The Office'.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Glebe on June 17, 2017, 11:38:27 AM
June gives Terry a handjob. That's the actors Whitfield and Scott.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on June 17, 2017, 12:33:43 PM
An alliance forms in a household over further use of shallots.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: JoeyBananaduck on June 17, 2017, 01:54:36 PM
A 19 year old who feels the world has nothing for him jizzes on his own face out of pure ennui.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Glebe on June 17, 2017, 02:29:53 PM
An alliance forms in a household over further use of shallots.

The alliance is broken when someone is accused of being in league with the dark lord of onions.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: cptspalding on June 17, 2017, 04:14:25 PM
A mother supports a small child as he defecates into a seaside rockpool on a hot day. The fecal matter is discovered later by another small child who scoops it out with their fishing net and runs to show the unusually stinky sea creature to their sunbathing parents, a path of tiny footprints and fetid brown drips laying in their wake.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Glebe on June 17, 2017, 05:41:41 PM
"Quack! Quack!"

Three hours later, he's in a cell. At least there's a blanket covering his private parts, but he's still wearing the Donald Duck mask.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: BlodwynPig on June 18, 2017, 12:02:26 AM
The number one shoe in golf.

Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on June 18, 2017, 11:45:02 AM
Martha accidentally opens the excel document charting her quarterly bowel movements on the projector screen of the lecture theatre.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Spoon of Ploff on June 18, 2017, 12:00:01 PM
What began as a joke rapidly turns into a life destroying obsession as butterfly watcher Max Brumsfell campaigns to get the Polygonia A-Album's name changed from Comma to Apostrophe.

Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on June 18, 2017, 12:03:00 PM
A boreal biome goes for a chilled out laqer and a wank.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Glebe on June 18, 2017, 12:24:07 PM
Noel Keggins dusts off the 'ol Nintendo, and prepares for an afternoon's nostalgic gaming. But he reckoned without the faulty wiring, and the resulting electrical shocks cause him to dance horribly in time with the Super Mario theme.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: BlodwynPig on June 18, 2017, 04:36:18 PM
Martha accidentally opens the excel document charting her quarterly bowel movements on the projector screen of the lecture theatre.

It's ok, just numbers - the audience will be none the wiser.
Unfortunately, the Picasa album follows shortly after
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: JoeyBananaduck on June 18, 2017, 04:45:44 PM
Pick arsehole more like! Chortle. Eh, readers?
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: BlodwynPig on June 18, 2017, 04:50:24 PM
Pick arsehole more like! Chortle. Eh, readers?

TL;DR
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Glebe on June 19, 2017, 10:31:13 AM
Little Johnny Lompkins lops off his langer.

Peter 'Twelve Quacks' Poddingtons pleases a pike round Paddington.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: spamwangler on June 19, 2017, 01:06:28 PM
"Quack! Quack!"

Three hours later, he's in a cell. At least there's a blanket covering his private parts, but he's still wearing the Donald Duck mask.

brilliant work
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Glebe on June 19, 2017, 02:13:10 PM
brilliant work

Aw shucks Spam... actually thought it needed some finessing. I should have tweaked and honed it before posting, but I couldn't be fucking arsed.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Bazooka on June 19, 2017, 02:50:08 PM
Desmond is (finally) given the honorary duty of presenting the annual beef burger tossing competition in the Hemel Heampstead town center. Little did he know it's the same day that the Fast Food Rockers are playing at the scout hut, nobody shows up, not even his wife whom was going to win by a landslide.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: spamwangler on June 19, 2017, 03:11:39 PM
Aw shucks Spam... actually thought it needed some finessing. I should have tweaked and honed it before posting, but I couldn't be fucking arsed.

it had the fevered spontaneous mysteriousness of a Phillip K Dick novel. its really easy for the Desperations to become overworked, im guilty of that myself. chisel them into a rough shape and chuck them on the pile i say
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Glebe on June 19, 2017, 03:14:05 PM
A Moscow zoo is the place to be for hip young radical Sergei; it's cold, the smell is awful and the monkeys are all dead.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Lemming on June 19, 2017, 04:15:31 PM
A cunt from Nottingham compiles a YouTube playlist entitled "The VERY Best Of Britpop - Hands Down"

Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: TheWoodenSpoon on June 19, 2017, 04:20:06 PM
Misread the title as "The Arid Mong".
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: spamwangler on June 19, 2017, 05:19:08 PM
(https://www.therickygervaisshow.com/build/images/an-idiot-abroad-complete.jpg)

works both as a response to previous post and a desolation entry
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: BlodwynPig on June 19, 2017, 05:37:03 PM
A Moscow zoo is the place to be for hip young radical Sergei; it's cold, the smell is awful and the monkeys are all dead.

Moscow zoo is actually top notch, except it was being renovated when I visited and the monkeys were all dead
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Spoon of Ploff on June 19, 2017, 06:11:27 PM
In order to save approximately six man hours per working year the company has decided to hold a single one minutes silence at 6am on the first Monday in Feb for all events violent and tragic that have occured in the past, will occure in the future, or are indeed occurring at this very moment.

Thank you.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Spoon of Ploff on June 19, 2017, 06:13:31 PM
Moscow zoo is actually top notch, except it was being renovated when I visited and the monkeys were all dead


There was me thinking the monkeys were just being lazy but they were in fact all dead.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Cuntbeaks on June 19, 2017, 10:04:09 PM
He eats jars of Shippam paste like yoghurts.

He eats uncooked Fray Bentos.

He eats Dalepak cutlets for breakfast.

He eats the lard from the chip pan like ice cream.

He eats the dog food that he buys for a dog he doesn't have.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: spamwangler on June 19, 2017, 10:08:07 PM
a fir tree lands on a man

he is barely surprised
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Sebastian Cobb on June 19, 2017, 10:36:49 PM
A middle aged man sat alone in the corner of the pub challenges himself to see if he can recall from memory the light sequence of the fruit machine.

He can.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: spamwangler on June 20, 2017, 06:04:28 AM

Interviewed by the newspapers, Mum said he was a "complex" character:

She wanted to say "Hes a sulky thick-as-fuck non-personality with an explosive temper, who's cowardice is all that keeps him from being a perma-thug cunt, his moments of blind, psychopathic rage serving as tiny windows of happiness in an a life which is otherwise just a sad, lonely fuge state, no lessons learned from years of stupid, humiliating displaced rage, he doesn't even know the real reason for his frustration in life; that hes a sad broken toy that no one wants to play with, but has been led to believe that he is special in an attempt to stop him crying as a child.
                       If he was a dog, we would have have taken him round the back and put a spade through him years ago, but hes not a dog, hes our Darren, and you cant choose who your family is in this world, you can only watch through your fingers as they hurt more and more people, and say things like 'hes a complex character' to the vampires of greif as he smacks his stupid fucking head against the lamppost one more time.
                       What do you want me to say, you righteous pricks ? That I failed to bring up my son, and im sorry? ITS NOT MY FAULT, HE CAME OUT OF ME BROKEN AND STAYED BROKEN, I PLANTED ALL MY LOVE AND HAPPINESS IN THE GROUND, AND NOTHING BUT WEEDS AND SHIT GREW. I DONT KNOW WHAT HAPPENED, IT ALL WENT WRONG, EVERYTHINGS GONE WRONG AND IM SORRY IM SORRY im sorry."

but she didn't.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Glebe on June 20, 2017, 09:37:56 AM
a sad broken toy that no one wants to play with

Extra-strength desolation.

On his 47th birthday, Max purchases himself a nice, cosy pair of sensible trousers, and suddenly transmogrifies into a 'papaggin'.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: BlodwynPig on June 20, 2017, 01:59:24 PM
Interviewed by the newspapers, Mum said he was a "complex" character:

She wanted to say "Hes a sulky thick-as-fuck non-personality with an explosive temper, who's cowardice is all that keeps him from being a perma-thug cunt, his moments of blind, psychopathic rage serving as tiny windows of happiness in an a life which is otherwise just a sad, lonely fuge state, no lessons learned from years of stupid, humiliating displaced rage, he doesn't even know the real reason for his frustration in life; that hes a sad broken toy that no one wants to play with, but has been led to believe that he is special in an attempt to stop him crying as a child.
                       If he was a dog, we would have have taken him round the back and put a spade through him years ago, but hes not a dog, hes our Darren, and you cant choose who your family is in this world, you can only watch through your fingers as they hurt more and more people, and say things like 'hes a complex character' to the vampires of greif as he smacks his stupid fucking head against the lamppost one more time.
                       What do you want me to say, you righteous pricks ? That I failed to bring up my son, and im sorry? ITS NOT MY FAULT, HE CAME OUT OF ME BROKEN AND STAYED BROKEN, I PLANTED ALL MY LOVE AND HAPPINESS IN THE GROUND, AND NOTHING BUT WEEDS AND SHIT GREW. I DONT KNOW WHAT HAPPENED, IT ALL WENT WRONG, EVERYTHINGS GONE WRONG AND IM SORRY IM SORRY im sorry."

but she didn't.

Should have let him win Ludo that time
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Glebe on June 20, 2017, 05:13:24 PM
A ferret peeks out of an undergrowth and spots a middle-age man wanking into a canal.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: dex on June 21, 2017, 01:10:36 AM
You slip over in dog shit and while struggling to get up, who should be right there but Jimmy Carr and Frankie Boyle?

Jimmy Carr's ha-ha-haaaa! Shit bellow and Frankie Boyle's high pitch giggle and you have dog shit on your shoe.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: spamwangler on June 21, 2017, 06:04:36 AM
'Plenty of go left in these.'

says a farmer, whilst surveying a small group of exhausted, but ultimately still fuckable child prostitutes
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Vodka Margarine on June 25, 2017, 04:37:50 PM
At the age of 37 he realised he would never experience joy, intimacy, or any form of reciprocal love.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Nice Relaxing Poo on June 25, 2017, 05:00:16 PM
An elderly lady gets within 20 shows of completing watching the 1517 episodes of Take the High Road on VHS before discovering that her bachelor son has taped over the remaining shows with 5 minute freeview segments from the Playboy channel.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: GMTV on June 25, 2017, 05:10:54 PM
Alain de Botton realises his last half a dozen thoughts directly contradict statements he'd written in his previous book.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Glebe on June 25, 2017, 05:14:56 PM
Peter Greenaway takes over as head of BBC2, and runs repeats of old Open University programmes. It's been emotional!
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: BlodwynPig on June 25, 2017, 06:17:18 PM
At the age of 37 he realised he would never experience joy, intimacy, or any form of reciprocal love.


Funny how this one crops up in every desolation thread...from different posters
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on June 25, 2017, 08:57:45 PM
'10 miscarriages and still trying'

National news on the bbc website.

360 degree desolation
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Vodka Margarine on June 25, 2017, 09:38:26 PM

Funny how this one crops up in every desolation thread...from different posters

No, they've all been me.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on June 25, 2017, 11:01:57 PM
A man takes a substantial dose of acid to reveal the inner workings of his mind. Nothing happens and he ends up absently eating a slice of dry Hovis outside Superdrug.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on June 25, 2017, 11:03:41 PM
The remaining members of Genesis pile their fresh stools in a heap.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Cuntbeaks on June 25, 2017, 11:17:29 PM
Phil Collins demands his sits at the top.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on June 25, 2017, 11:22:49 PM
A drained milkman buries his apology for a face into pile of stale Doritos.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Cuntbeaks on June 25, 2017, 11:25:05 PM
A lonely 45 year old woman tickles her fancy with a frozen Richmonds 'Thick' sausage. On special at Farmoods, 32 for £2.

At a £35,000 wedding, the bride tracks dog shit all down the aisle.

At a Prince tribute night an autistic 48 year old wears a red flat cap, it was the closest his mum could find.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on June 25, 2017, 11:31:46 PM
A bouncy castle is rented to a well attended EDL function
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Cuntbeaks on June 25, 2017, 11:44:53 PM
Mark E Smith catches sight of himself in a pub toilet mirror. The speed and whisky ensures he does not see the truth.

Mark E Smith pours his breakfast Sweetheart Stout into a Tweety Pie mug.

Mark E Smith pisses himself seconds before going on stage at Glastonbury.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on June 25, 2017, 11:52:39 PM
A motiveless errand boy stabs a fork into a valuable frog
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: fit bird on June 26, 2017, 12:31:10 AM
https://uk.webuy.com/product.php?sku=5028464070204

Absolutely everything on this page.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: jenna appleseed on June 26, 2017, 02:36:35 AM
https://uk.webuy.com/product.php?sku=5028464070204

Absolutely everything on this page.

Disco Duck has let himself go.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Glebe on June 26, 2017, 09:05:42 AM
Keith from Salisbury buys a shonky watch for way over the asking price.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on June 26, 2017, 09:15:02 AM
A redundant watermelon quality control auditor embellishes his CV to impress a Greggs store manager.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Glebe on June 26, 2017, 09:22:06 AM
Jim Twelvetrees from You Rang, M'Lord? sneaks out into the cold, grey, wintry yard to wank his flacid penis after getting mildly aroused by Su Pollard.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on June 26, 2017, 12:11:19 PM
A brass ornament rendering dullard arranges his lowest value coins to spell his initials.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Fishfinger on June 26, 2017, 04:46:28 PM
flacid

A tool highlights a typo in a niche sub-forum on an obscure comedy website.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Sebastian Cobb on June 26, 2017, 05:16:51 PM
He wipes his gametes off his knuckles by dragging them along the edge of an ashtray; hatful of hollow is playing in the background while rain patters lightly on the windows.

Today would've been her birthday.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Glebe on June 26, 2017, 05:30:39 PM
Michael's bunions have been painted all the colours of the rainbow. "Busy day?" asks the wife.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Sebastian Cobb on June 26, 2017, 05:48:04 PM
(http://www.iceland.co.uk/_assets/images/cache/autoxauto/1962.jpg)
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Fishfinger on June 26, 2017, 07:01:56 PM
A man spends time silently debating with himself whether GREGGS should be apostrophised, which isn't even a word.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on June 26, 2017, 07:05:47 PM
Sludge or excreta
Sludge or excreta ponders Barry

Bit of both tbh mate
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Glebe on June 26, 2017, 09:02:54 PM
The history of human life swirls in your head as you pretend to enjoy the match along with the rest of the stadium.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Glebe on June 27, 2017, 12:24:39 PM
A kind of vole twats itself into a food mixer for awhile.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Glebe on June 27, 2017, 06:35:36 PM
"Mmmm, lovely smell... who's for toasted mog?"
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Glebe on June 27, 2017, 11:29:42 PM
An armadillo slides down a greasy chute and knocks an unemployed phismotic's wig off.

Malta floats across the sea and collides inelegantly with Tazmania.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Twit 2 on June 28, 2017, 12:04:16 AM
An out-of-touch duck trips on a gentrified quayside.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: pancreas on June 28, 2017, 12:59:58 AM
A cat, super-glued to a skateboard, rolling down a hill into the path of a juggernaut lorry. The culprit, a bored child, suddenly distracted by an incoming snapchat, misses the carnage.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Glebe on June 28, 2017, 08:23:38 AM
Stapling a guinea pig to a space hopper is one thing, but punting it right into the middle of a hurricane is just fucking mental.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: pancreas on June 28, 2017, 09:20:20 AM
Stapling a guinea pig to a space hopper is one thing, but punting it right into the middle of a hurricane is just fucking mental.

Wrong thread. Re-post in 'Motto of the Day', Glebe.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Glebe on June 28, 2017, 09:33:50 AM
Wrong thread. Re-post in 'Motto of the Day', Glebe.

It hasn't become a motto yet pancs. Let it seep into the culture first, let it brew!
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: TheWoodenSpoon on June 28, 2017, 06:44:48 PM
At the age of 37 he realised he would never experience joy, intimacy, or any form of reciprocal love.
Wow, it's like you know my future.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: pancreas on June 28, 2017, 08:57:50 PM
'You'll never become anything, son. You're a drain on our country's resources and you've got no future ahead of you. You're never going to put the work in at school, and frankly I can't even imagine you making it through your GCSEs. What's more, your football career is going to be fucked with all the drugs you're on. Your mother is devastated.'

'But, but, Dad! I do my best, I really do! And I'm not on drugs!'

'Not yet, son, no. But you will be. The doctor rang to say you've got leukaemia.'
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Bazooka on June 29, 2017, 02:39:07 PM
Robbie Milkcheeks gets sacked from the abattoir for gnawing bits of fat off the carcasses, 3 minutes into his new job.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Berthas Fat Leg on June 29, 2017, 04:30:52 PM
The flirty messages stop after she sees what you look like.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Cuellar on June 29, 2017, 04:38:57 PM
A woman does her nails in an office common room. She picks up her mobile and dials.

"Hi mummy, I just thought I'd call seeing as it's my birthday and everything...yes...42"

[From real life]
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Berthas Fat Leg on June 29, 2017, 04:41:40 PM
Goes for the kiss - gets the high-five.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Glebe on June 29, 2017, 05:30:41 PM
A Roger Corman retrospective features tired old prints, and B-movie nut Cedric is fucking furious.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: BlodwynPig on June 29, 2017, 05:49:21 PM
The flirty messages stop after she sees what you look like.

You set up a dummy account and continue the fun with yourself.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Glebe on June 29, 2017, 05:58:31 PM
Johnny Depp forms a band called The Rock 'n' Roll Paedos. Keith Richards lazily calls them "better than The Stones", while swilling an expensive bottle of whiskey.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Spoon of Ploff on June 29, 2017, 06:07:46 PM
A Gantt chart leaves a project manager cold.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Sebastian Cobb on June 29, 2017, 07:09:09 PM
A woman does her nails in an office common room. She picks up her mobile and dials.

"Hi mummy, I just thought I'd call seeing as it's my birthday and everything...yes...42"

[From real life]

Canteen worker 1: Would you like some birthday cake?
Canteen worker 2: No thanks, I don't really like them.
Canteen Worker 1: Well it's not actually birthday cake... I just deep fried a jam sandwich.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Berthas Fat Leg on June 29, 2017, 07:16:54 PM
A man can't even go for a piss because he's got kids.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Spoon of Ploff on June 29, 2017, 08:05:45 PM
The rotting corpse of wayward tramp Eric 'Spring Onions' Tooley is propped up in the end stall of the gents at Euston station, as a warning to others...
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Glebe on June 29, 2017, 09:28:56 PM
Richard Branson smiles as Mr. Patel and leaves the shop without paying for The Daily Express.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Berthas Fat Leg on June 29, 2017, 09:37:32 PM
A husband's abiding memory of his wife is her, not going anywhere near his cock.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Berthas Fat Leg on June 29, 2017, 09:40:14 PM
The cat brings a bird in. The bird is alive, until Uncle Susan beats it to death with a penny loafer.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Glebe on June 29, 2017, 09:42:53 PM
If you've never seen a puffin get bounced off the four walls of a house then come indoors, you're in for a treat.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: drummersaredeaf on June 30, 2017, 02:08:09 AM
Dane Bowers OBE.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Glebe on June 30, 2017, 03:31:27 AM
An emotional Bungle tells Geoffrey he really loves him, no, he really loves him... for his part, Geoffrey does not respond in kind and seems cold, distant...

With a sound like a large bedspring giving and a strangled 'meow', Tiddles is discovered embedded in the ceiling.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Glebe on June 30, 2017, 09:29:40 AM
"Goosey... heeeere Goosey!" There's no way that goose is coming out of that crevice, forget it mate, no way!

"WE'RE UP SHIT CREEK WITHOUT THE PROVERBIAL FUCKING PADDLE!" screams Theresa May at PMQs.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Berthas Fat Leg on June 30, 2017, 09:44:42 AM
A disillusioned 36yr old reaches a point in his life where the only things that make sense anymore are Youtube Poop videos of Ainsley Harriott.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Cuntbeaks on June 30, 2017, 01:54:07 PM
Lets not turn this rape into a murder.

A cheeky bottle of red and Oasis's classic hits full blast on the headphones. Bliss.

Venetian Snares insists on singing on every track of his new album.

Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Sebastian Cobb on June 30, 2017, 04:47:20 PM
Venetian Snares insists on singing on every track of his new album.

Thus failing to stave off foreclosure on his home.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Spoon of Ploff on June 30, 2017, 06:11:58 PM
The rotting corpse of wayward tramp Eric 'Spring Onions' Tooley is propped up in the end stall of the gents at Euston station, as a warning to others...

It doesn't stop Chip from Integrations Management using that stall everyday before he boards the 18:12 to Tring.
He quite likes having Spring Onions fly blown face gazing back at him as he takes a pish.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Glebe on July 01, 2017, 12:19:46 AM
Jimmy Muggins of Peterborough loads his pet ferret Francis onto one of them clay pigeon launcher things. As he releases the trigger it makes a kind of 'boing!' sound, and poor Francis is launched 200 odd feet into the air, letting out a bizarre, almost electronic squeal in the process. Six days later, he is discovered just outside Eindhoven, his face the shape of saucer.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Glebe on July 01, 2017, 10:28:46 AM
Munter McGee gets unctious!
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Glebe on July 03, 2017, 02:19:24 PM
A hedgehogish phalanx makes it's way through the undergrowth, unaware of the fox gaggle waiting to ambush them.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Glebe on July 03, 2017, 08:12:37 PM
Snakes alive! Has Mavis truly whacked a cork up Andrew's bum?
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Lord Mandrake on July 03, 2017, 08:20:58 PM
After years of 'winging' and 'blagging it' - an Anesthetist takes a bite of a ham sandwich and at that very moment spirals into a fathomless, overwhelming, existential despair as he realizes... He does not having a fucking clue, not the first clue about any of this anesthetic shit.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Sebastian Cobb on July 03, 2017, 11:27:20 PM
After years of 'winging' and 'blagging it' - an Anesthetist takes a bite of a ham sandwich and at that very moment spirals into a fathomless, overwhelming, existential despair as he realizes... He does not having a fucking clue, not the first clue about any of this anesthetic shit.

In the end he resigns and is replaced by a homeopathic anesthetist. They know exactly how many ppm the anesthetic needs to be and is perfect at measuring it right; unfortunately all their patients die from shock in pain because homeopathy is complete bollocks.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Glebe on July 04, 2017, 02:10:58 AM
Barry can't make it to the bidet. The floor's a mess, and Aunt Flo is coming.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: zomgmouse on July 04, 2017, 09:17:09 AM
Garbage smell wafts through the kitchen though you've not had garbage there in years.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on July 04, 2017, 01:03:25 PM
A gruit mulcher impulse purchases a dildo moulded on the penis of Marc Dutroux.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Lord Mandrake on July 04, 2017, 02:50:15 PM
A college Operations Manager literally thinks he is Jason Bourne. Alienating his family, friends and colleagues with his peculiar behaviour and gruff demeanour. He is questioned by police after causing a mass evacuation in Wembley central station when his erratic movements and furtive looks leads to a commuter panic. After the police discover several poorly forged passports, a nokia 3210 with hands free earpiece, a cheap monocular and what appears to be a potato gun - he resists what he perceives as their interrogation until offered a cup of tea when he admits to 'employing counter surveillance tactics to expose the mole'. When the concerned officers send in a mental health professional he seizes her clipboard and attempts to hit her with it, moments later he is neutralised and left sobbing with a badly sprained wrist.

Some months later, as he is recuperating in a secure facility, Jeremy Bland is approached by a nurse he had not seen on the ward before. She leaves a small slither of paper with his meds, printed on it in tiny characters is 30w 32l. 'This ends now' he whispers to himself.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: spamwangler on July 04, 2017, 06:33:01 PM
Sports Direct Tycoon Vomited Into Fireplace At Pub Meeting
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Glebe on July 04, 2017, 09:47:38 PM
It's half a crown to ride the horse and you've spent y'last shilling. Go home and commiserate.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Glebe on July 05, 2017, 03:10:52 AM
Keith Chegwin purchases a vole of a man in Hendon. "You're safe now, little vole," he tells it, "I bought you off that bad man for a tenner. Come home with me and watch old VHS recordings of Cheggars Plays Pop with a lovely thimble of soya milk. Do voles drink soya milk?"
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: drummersaredeaf on July 05, 2017, 12:45:47 PM
A half-heated handjob from a beautiful non-English-speaking prostitute, who is mimicking lines from a Fawlty Towers VHS on a small TV set in the corner.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: TheWoodenSpoon on July 05, 2017, 01:16:53 PM
With no electricity available, he covers the TV screen in silver tinsel and blows to give the illusion of his favourite static signal.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Glebe on July 05, 2017, 03:26:14 PM
Nice day for it. Beating the dried dog shit out of the soles of my shoes in the garden, that is. Oh, here come the clouds.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Berthas Fat Leg on July 05, 2017, 05:26:58 PM
Mam's on the back step crying again. A bunch of flowers poke out of the bin.

A dream is squashed under a plimsoll.

His profile pic is an Audi he doesn't even own. His bio says he hates pakis.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Glebe on July 05, 2017, 05:45:28 PM
Mam's on the back step crying again. A bunch of flowers poke out of the bin.

I'm on the pavement. Thinking about the government.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Vodka Margarine on July 05, 2017, 11:33:56 PM
In a rush of righteous adrenaline, a harangued school bus driver zooms past the usual bunch of disenfranchised boys waiting at their stop, forcing one to miss the lesson in which he would've been inspired to study medicine and become a future world class neurologist. Instead, the youth trudges with his gang to the local park and helps administer permanent brain damage to a man who looks a bit gay.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: drummersaredeaf on July 06, 2017, 12:35:07 AM
A ukip councillor refuses to visit his uncle in the care home. Dementia has convinced him that he was one of the Lilt ladies.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: zomgmouse on July 06, 2017, 09:27:50 AM
Slashed tires on a 1958 Volga
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Glebe on July 06, 2017, 09:36:48 AM
"It's quiet," noted Roger the sheep. "Yeah," answered Jim (also 'the sheep'), "too quite." Somewhere in the distance, a wolf is watching. With binoculars.

Richard Littlejohn has a lovely chat with an Iraqi woman in the high street. Then he goes home and writes his latest column, "Phwoarr, she stank of curry!"

A rubber Tweenie doll gets it's legs all bent out of shape as it is shoved into a postbox by a hyperactive tot.

Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: cptspalding on July 06, 2017, 06:29:09 PM
A priest fails to stifle an almighty blow-off during a eulogy given by the parents of a young, soon to be buried, girl.

Later on, when the family have left the graveside, the priest throws his soiled underpants into the neatly dug hole in the ground. The filled pants make a satisfying squelch as they hit the lid of the small coffin below. "Dust to dust" sighs the priest as he kicks a mound of soil into the hole, covering his shame for all eternity.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on July 06, 2017, 06:48:48 PM
Slashed tires on a 1958 Volga

Gash tired, a 1958 vulva
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Glebe on July 06, 2017, 07:02:29 PM
Shit-covered box in Soho. It's good to be home!

Johnny Peas lops the head off a geranium.

"Guggle-google-goggle-glee!" That's the sales presentation fucked, then.

George gnaws at his bunions on Blackpool Pier.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Sebastian Cobb on July 06, 2017, 07:30:46 PM
A priest fails to stifle an almighty blow-off during a eulogy given by the parents of a young, soon to be buried, girl.

Later on, when the family have left the graveside, the priest throws his soiled underpants into the neatly dug hole in the ground. The filled pants make a satisfying squelch as they hit the lid of the small coffin below. "Dust to dust" sighs the priest as he kicks a mound of soil into the hole, covering his shame for all eternity.

10/10
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Spoon of Ploff on July 06, 2017, 08:31:57 PM
well. she couldn't say they weren't giving her three square meals a day now could she?

(https://usercontent1.hubstatic.com/9936804_f520.jpg)
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Spoon of Ploff on July 06, 2017, 08:36:16 PM
after five weeks stumbling back and forth between Euston station and platform three of the Northern line, an unimportant IT Support engineer realizes he's fallen hopelessly in love with the yawning woman on the Floradix poster
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on July 07, 2017, 07:36:18 AM
And now on Mastermind your specialist subject, which is?

the song Jerk It Out by Caesear's Palace, John!
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Glebe on July 07, 2017, 03:28:27 PM
In one particularly notorious episode of Terry & June, Terry accidentally calls June "Coon" instead of "Schjoon!"
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Twit 2 on July 07, 2017, 10:40:06 PM
A scab-covered orangutan makes its nest out of Daily Mails.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Glebe on July 08, 2017, 02:06:50 PM
A weevil beds down for the night in a shabby part of Chigwell.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Sebastian Cobb on July 08, 2017, 02:21:08 PM
A man observes a slightly overweight cat atop a wall listlessly watching the world go by with half-open eyes and realizes his life will never be that serene.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: dex on July 08, 2017, 02:25:03 PM
The toast lands butter side down, in some cat shit on the kitchen floor. Mate!
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Glebe on July 08, 2017, 03:05:25 PM
A sporran goes unnoticed during a wild highland session.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Sebastian Cobb on July 08, 2017, 03:06:46 PM
They refill their empty bottle of gin with water and leave it in the bothy specifically to disappoint the next visitor.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Glebe on July 09, 2017, 02:10:54 PM
Harriet from Staffordshire chucks a child up a pylon.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Sebastian Cobb on July 09, 2017, 03:40:44 PM
A man has all the ingredients to cook a fry up, but chooses to do it in the microwave because it's 'less hassle'.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: spamwangler on July 09, 2017, 06:24:00 PM
richard herring gets in an argument with a postman

this will be brilliant new material for my standup, he thinks
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Glebe on July 09, 2017, 06:33:03 PM
Roger discovers a comatose polecat on his back porch. One of his five a day sorted, then.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Steven on July 09, 2017, 06:37:05 PM
A postman attempts new material at an Open Mic comedy night concerning an argument over delivering the wrong missive to Richard Herring, it goes down a storming success and he is signed to a management company and given a lineup of gigs and cushy panel show appearences.

He then is dismayed to discover he is actually signed to Avalon the same management group as Richard Herring and has been incestuously booked as an interview guest. He is later found hung in his Leicster Square Theatre dressing room.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: drummersaredeaf on July 09, 2017, 10:57:02 PM
A hipster pensioner in an American retirement home will never win at bingo because he has learned that the British shout 'HOUSE!' which the young bingo caller refuses to recognise.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Glebe on July 10, 2017, 02:20:43 PM
Kate from Akron wins a toy bear in some contest in the newspaper, but she has to travel all the way down to North Carolina to collect it. When she gets there, Toby the janitor shoves it in her hands and goes, "Here's you fuckin' bear!" What a shit experience!
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: spamwangler on July 10, 2017, 05:14:55 PM
a schoolboy looks on in horror as the seven

                       'Slagtastic Cyber Tramps'

he ordered off the dark web fire a foul jet-black ooze comprised of lubricant, feces and brake oil all over the TV room,
 knocking over family pictures and washing out the dvd collection onto the ruined carpet

his parents are going to go FUCKING MENTAL
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Spoon of Ploff on July 11, 2017, 07:43:54 AM
after five weeks stumbling back and forth between Euston station and platform three of the Northern line, an unimportant IT Support engineer realizes he's fallen hopelessly in love with the yawning woman on the Floradix poster

Next day the poster has been replaced with a cartoon owl asking him if he's looking for a new job.

'They always leave me in the end' he thinks.


Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Epic Bisto on July 11, 2017, 08:20:12 AM
Bobby Davro, still unhinged since his tragic Lionel Blair-enabled headbang, upset that his estranged family won't visit his bedsit anymore and the TV companies won't return his calls, does what any disillusioned attention seeker would do at Christmastime, goes to a shopping centre, sits under some stairs and has a massive wank. Much to his dismay, someone recorded it: https://irrationalarts.bandcamp.com/track/white-christmas-white-sperm (https://irrationalarts.bandcamp.com/track/white-christmas-white-sperm)
It is quickly re-tweeted by gravelly voiced singer Paul Young, in between his regular transfusion (replacing his blood with honey and lemon tea while he watches 'Evolution' on the telly).
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: zomgmouse on July 11, 2017, 08:33:54 AM
A clingwrap roll unfurls through the damp outskirts of Milton Keynes, pushed by a limp wind, covering the length of the ground in a slimy plastic carpet.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Glebe on July 11, 2017, 02:22:36 PM
Tomsk from Glencoe tosses a packet of sherbet dip at his neighbour's lawnmower, disdainfully.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Spoon of Ploff on July 11, 2017, 07:17:26 PM
Next day the poster has been replaced with a cartoon owl asking him if he's looking for a new job.

'They always leave me in the end' he thinks.

that day. he rides the packed underground carriage from London Bridge to Euston with someone's backpack digging into his lower spine. He remembers announcements at  most platforms reminding people to take off their backpacks to make more room for other passengers... but maybe that was just another of the voices in his head.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Spoon of Ploff on July 13, 2017, 07:47:07 AM
Next day the poster has been replaced with a cartoon owl asking him if he's looking for a new job.

'They always leave me in the end' he thinks.

He remembers that owl when his team leader and manager invite him into a Skype meeting to discuss his 'disappointing' attitude.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Glebe on July 13, 2017, 02:57:18 PM
A downcast herring shoves its fizzog up over the edge of a boat, and informs a fisherman to "Give it a fucking rest, mate. We're trying to get some swimming down 'ere. Cuh."
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Epic Bisto on July 13, 2017, 03:41:03 PM
Audio-only deleted scene from Bobby Davro's Rock With Laughter surfaces, explaining why the series never got re-commissioned:
https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=JK0_iiLtqHA (https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=JK0_iiLtqHA)
Gazza can be heard hollering in between chugging from a Happy Shopper bag of special brew. Allegedly, Dana was also in attendance, mashing her vulva to a red pulp underneath her nun habit.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Spoon of Ploff on July 13, 2017, 06:42:33 PM
He remembers that owl when his team leader and manager invite him into a Skype meeting to discuss his 'disappointing' attitude.

At lunchtime he goes for a walk along the South bank of the Thames, to calm himself down. A lazy swipe from a 'bubble busker' leaves him with stinging soap filled eyes. A group of school children point and laugh at him then point some more.

Two days later a colleague gleefully shows him a YouTube clip of himself calling some terrified kids 'obnoxious little c*nts..'

The logo of the company he works for is clearly visible on his lapel.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Glebe on July 14, 2017, 12:18:13 AM
A fig asks clemancy of the fruit bough.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Glebe on July 14, 2017, 03:12:51 PM
Roger De Courcey is refused entry to a gentleman's club, but Nookie Bear just saunters through the door. It's all about attitude.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: cptspalding on July 14, 2017, 07:45:16 PM
A cat mews at her owner. She doesn't want to be fed (although she would not say no to some food) but she wants to be held and stroked and told she is the best cat in the world, to bond with her owner and show them that a cat can have a deep relationship with a human where both can have their lives enriched like never before.

"Not dinner yet, go away!", screams the owner as they kick the cat away to return to their World Of Warcraft raid.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Glebe on July 14, 2017, 07:49:59 PM
A fucking sprat tosses an empty Stella can through a termite's windshield.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Bazooka on July 15, 2017, 01:12:09 AM
Ricky Shoestring is made redundant only minutes before finding out his wife is having an affair with the fishmonger and his wife has forgotten​ to buy fish, its fish Friday.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: dex on July 15, 2017, 03:21:06 AM
.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Spoon of Ploff on July 15, 2017, 10:10:16 AM
He remembers that owl when his team leader and manager invite him into a Skype meeting to discuss his 'disappointing' attitude.

After the riverside incident he gives the owl from the poster a call. He listens to a recording of Rick Astley's 'Giver Gonna Give You Up.' Every now than then the voice of someone sounding like a juvenile Marilyn Manson tells him his call is important to them. Eight hours later he wakes up to the same recording. 'I'll give it another five minutes' he thinks.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Glebe on July 15, 2017, 11:31:38 AM
Murdered by a fawn.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: zomgmouse on July 15, 2017, 02:38:03 PM
Snooker. The table's scuffed and splinters you if you get too close. The green of the felt has long since regressed into a greyish beigey brown. Half the balls are cracked, and sit untouched on the ground. The rest show little promise of remaining intact for much longer. Every cue has been worn down to the size of a pencil. The pockets are frayed and stay empty from multiple ripping. But Barry still plays. He'll get to be reigning champion one day. Maybe not today. But one day.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Glebe on July 15, 2017, 03:02:00 PM
'SEX SECRETS OF THE DINGLE FAMILY' ran the headline.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Glebe on July 16, 2017, 12:09:44 PM
A flump throws a spanner in the Hadron Collider, causing ructions in the Space Time Continuum and generally being a twat.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: spamwangler on July 16, 2017, 07:25:36 PM
saturday night =

1 X FROZEN CHICKEN

1 X BOTTLE OF WATER 1L

1 X ANDREWS LIVER SALTS 250g

a bag? no ill just eat it in the carpark, thanks
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: spamwangler on July 16, 2017, 07:27:47 PM
a short sighted quantum physics professor realizes his mistake a full 10 min into Legends of Hardon pt.II
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Glebe on July 16, 2017, 08:46:13 PM
A browned-off shrew changes the nature of reality, resulting in longer weekdays and less interest on y'savings.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: spamwangler on July 16, 2017, 10:08:14 PM
a man types 'astronaut' into linked in and bursts into tears
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on July 16, 2017, 10:54:12 PM
A graphic designer ends up being a graphic designer doing a shit alone on a hill in the dark.

I am a graphic designer, he repeats, as the faeces emerges.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Glebe on July 17, 2017, 12:15:58 PM
Johnny the yak gets bored and fucks a rusty old Castrol GTX tin at some passing tourists. It bounces off a bald father's head and skirts the outside of a nearby layby.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Bazooka on July 17, 2017, 03:07:07 PM
Cliff Richard wakes up, pulls a shrew out of his bed side table and drains the life force from within.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Twit 2 on July 17, 2017, 04:00:04 PM
This is real, made by a 10 year old. She watches him every morning on breakfast TV.

(https://s24.postimg.org/pq5xfd0ud/IMG_0061.jpg)
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: spamwangler on July 17, 2017, 06:30:55 PM
a tearful, betrayed no-neck neckbeard removes all references to dr who from his conspiracy theory blog
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on July 17, 2017, 06:40:23 PM
A blemish decides to become starkly discoloured.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Glebe on July 17, 2017, 08:37:39 PM
Andy Murray closes the cubicle door and pulls the field mouse out of his shoe. After chastising it for an hour, he tells it to run along. Andy, you've gotta stop this. It's not healthy.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Glebe on July 18, 2017, 03:13:50 PM
You're watching Fools and Horses on GOLD when suddenly there's a glitch and lots of smeary, digital Rodney's start multiplying off the main one. It'd be amusing if it wasn't so intensely disturbing.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Glebe on July 19, 2017, 01:09:33 AM
Six of Martin's gannets become rotten to the core, stinking out the shopping mall. He has to take the decomposing birds everywhere in his carrier bag because mental illness and OCD.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Glebe on July 19, 2017, 09:51:14 AM
By the time the police arrived James had lost count of the innings, his imaginary umpire friend continuing to rule in his favour, and twenty-five sheep had been twonked skyward down the avenue.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Glebe on July 20, 2017, 01:12:06 AM
A wobbly peanut wobbles it's way into a beer-sodden ashtray.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: BlodwynPig on July 20, 2017, 01:52:42 AM
For 6 years the body remained undiscovered in a ditch. 5 of those years it was alive and wanking.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Glebe on July 20, 2017, 09:44:28 AM
For 6 years the body remained undiscovered in a ditch. 5 of those years it was alive and wanking.

Laughed.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Bazooka on July 20, 2017, 11:15:54 AM
A fishmonger dies in a shoot out with police, after killing off the entire village of Berry Tree with contaminated fish sticks.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Glebe on July 20, 2017, 12:28:54 PM
'Old Dodgy Pants!' becomes the meme of the moment round Chiswick way, after a retired local TV presenter is arrested for partying with underagers.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Glebe on July 20, 2017, 05:44:52 PM
Just one more drink... it's the only medicine for a broken heart right now.

Four hours later, wanking in her driveway.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: spamwangler on July 21, 2017, 09:42:14 AM
desperately manipulating a tickle-me elmo in a failed attempt to try and cover up the sound of explosive diarrhea at a wake
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Glebe on July 21, 2017, 04:36:14 PM
First clip from next Planet of the Apes film does not bode well:

(http://i.imgur.com/rBTo9S6.gif)
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Glebe on July 22, 2017, 01:43:27 PM
There's a limpet stuck on your jacksie, but you're afraid to remove it.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: weekender on July 22, 2017, 11:41:44 PM
Massive fucking sunburn still doesn't prevent a One Foot In The Grave marathon.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Spoon of Ploff on July 23, 2017, 06:41:23 AM
Andy Hobbs lays awake wondering what it is that gets him up in the morning.
Neighbours break into his flat 21 weeks later on account of the smell... and the flies.
They all agree that what's left of his face shows he was at peace when he passed.
Shame he had nothing much worth stealing though.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Glebe on July 23, 2017, 02:39:58 PM
They're out on the beach, soaking in the rays and having a great time.

You remain in a cold, dark drawing room, making mad little noises to yourself.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: dex on July 23, 2017, 02:48:37 PM
Just one more drink... it's the only medicine for a broken heart right now.

Four hours later, wanking in her driveway.

Ha! Laughed at this one.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Glebe on July 23, 2017, 03:55:07 PM
Ha! Laughed at this one.

But ONLY this one. DESOLATION.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: DrunkCountry on July 24, 2017, 07:35:38 AM
(https://scontent.flhr2-1.fna.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-0/s480x480/20228780_10155525698108454_792249282737846983_n.jpg?oh=5d6ae4302692a441aab1a3e5acfab7ac&oe=59FAB77D)
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Glebe on July 24, 2017, 11:42:45 AM
A ready meal's best before date is 8/2/14. You'll eat it anyway, alone.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Glebe on July 25, 2017, 12:57:48 AM
An evening's roister turns nasty when revelry develops into ribaldry and rivalry.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Bazooka on July 25, 2017, 02:58:42 PM
A man pays £150 extra for a window seat on a plane, he falls asleep instantly and stays asleep for the whole flight duration and has pissed his pants.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Glebe on July 25, 2017, 03:54:07 PM
You're starving, but that packet of sausages is the only thing you have to plug up the leak in pantry.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Glebe on July 26, 2017, 12:25:55 PM
Every day is an endless slog of melancholic despair.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on July 26, 2017, 04:42:28 PM
A linesman wipes his arse on the offside flag.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: dex on July 26, 2017, 06:45:08 PM
Ian is ruminating on sad times. He swishes his piping hot coffee around the bottom of his mug and throws it in Woody the dog's face.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Cuntbeaks on July 27, 2017, 08:39:16 AM
A Border Collie wins 4 broken ribs for snaffling a dropped Dalepak Lamb Cutlet.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Spoon of Ploff on July 28, 2017, 08:31:11 AM
He stares at his daughter's beaming face through the spider web cracked screen on his smart phone. The battery icon flashes a thin strip of red.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Spoon of Ploff on July 28, 2017, 08:32:50 AM
Every day is an endless slog of melancholic despair.

Still... mustn't grumble.




the other grumble
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: dex on July 28, 2017, 01:29:18 PM
There's a massive fag burn in your suit trousers, shit on your blazer and you have jury service to do that day. Sake!
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: dex on July 28, 2017, 04:53:52 PM
Thick jets of fetid spunk splat onto your face at the bukkake party in time to Darude's Sandstorm.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Glebe on July 28, 2017, 05:44:02 PM
A Ballymena B&B smells like stale farts.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Angrew Lloyg Wegger on July 28, 2017, 10:44:24 PM
(http://i.imgur.com/SaYvFtD.png)
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: BlodwynPig on July 28, 2017, 10:52:36 PM
A shut-in mistakingly travels to Billericay to discover the Real Ireland wearing an Elf costume and with a Belhaven Stout hat.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Cuntbeaks on July 28, 2017, 11:20:50 PM
Mark E Smith comes to terms with the fact he isnt going to see 2018. The euphoria of acceptance sees him plunging £43 into a fruit machine.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Glebe on July 29, 2017, 02:58:19 AM
A twat is strangled in a Teesside bedsit, while George Harrison's 'Something' plays lazily in the background.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Glebe on July 29, 2017, 10:38:15 AM
A sealion nuzzles a kestrel's balls at a leisure park.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on July 29, 2017, 11:18:14 AM
A wretch sucks the sinew from a rotten weasel's leg.

Greggs £2.99
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: JoeyBananaduck on July 29, 2017, 02:25:05 PM
A 42 year old man weeps as he cuddles his spunk stained caseless pillow in his bedsit that he can no longer afford the rent on and will be turfed out of in 3 days and imagines it's the only girlfriend he had back when he was 19. Sandra, nicely plump, bad teeth, smelt a bit, but he didn't mind cause he liked her laugh. They were together for a month before she got hit by a car on the way home from the cinema when she'd nipped over the road to the chippy while he went in the offy to get a few tins in.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: BlodwynPig on July 29, 2017, 02:49:37 PM
A man returns from abroad after a two year contract in Saudi Arabia. Greggs has gone bankrupt.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: BlodwynPig on July 29, 2017, 02:50:21 PM
A 42 year old man weeps as he cuddles his spunk stained caseless pillow in his bedsit that he can no longer afford the rent on and will be turfed out of in 3 days and imagines it's the only girlfriend he had back when he was 19. Sandra, nicely plump, bad teeth, smelt a bit, but he didn't mind cause he liked her laugh. They were together for a month before she got hit by a car on the way home from the cinema when she'd nipped over the road to the chippy while he went in the offy to get a few tins in.

He still drinks from those tins. Not lager now.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Spoon of Ploff on July 29, 2017, 03:21:28 PM
a man discovers that in order to stay in Canada he has to club a baby seal to bits once a month.

'make it two baby seals and you have yerselves a deal' he says
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: JoeyBananaduck on July 29, 2017, 06:42:16 PM
Fun fact: Rolf 'Digerididdledyourunderagedaughter' Harris once appeared on Richard & Judy to vehemently protest the barbarism of seal culling.

That's yer dead, clubbed to bits baby seal's great champion. A child molester.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Glebe on July 30, 2017, 08:37:51 AM
a duffel coat smells of all dog shit.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Glebe on July 31, 2017, 02:25:43 AM
A frozen tramp outside a gated community where a Christmas party is in full swing.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Berthas Fat Leg on July 31, 2017, 12:15:31 PM
Tony looks through childhood photos. His parents aren't smiling in any of them.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Bazooka on July 31, 2017, 02:01:48 PM
A beauticians business is having money problems, to cut costs they use Billy Bear ham as face masks.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Sebastian Cobb on July 31, 2017, 03:13:57 PM
This flickering away across the road every fucking night until 1 am.

https://twitter.com/Tamarionette/status/891007847571632128
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: dex on July 31, 2017, 07:31:28 PM
Bill has never been good with numbers. He passes that takeaway every single day and tries his best to remember the number to get himself a kebab but only gets an error tone -which is what he gets whenever he tries to ring his family too...

*Sorry, the number you have dialed has not been recognised. You cunt.*
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Nice Relaxing Poo on July 31, 2017, 08:31:37 PM
A swaggering Wall Street hedge fund manager sells all of his business to join the  White House as communications director only to be filed for divorce by his pregnant wife and fired before he even takes up his position.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Glebe on July 31, 2017, 09:12:03 PM
A soggy cheesecake is reduced in Tesco.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Cuntbeaks on July 31, 2017, 10:56:06 PM
A recent divorcee holds back the tears and manages a trip to Tesco. In an emotional fug he buys a reduced cheesecake in the hope that the creamy topping and crisp biscuit base will alleviate the shadows in his mind.

They find him, full of flies, four days later.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Glebe on July 31, 2017, 11:30:56 PM
They find him, full of flies, four days later.

His dog eats the cake and dies of food poisoning in the garden. His body is never discovered.

Soggy Tesco cheesecake.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Sebastian Cobb on August 01, 2017, 11:12:12 AM
A recent divorcee holds back the tears and manages a trip to Tesco. In an emotional fug he buys a reduced cheesecake in the hope that the creamy topping and crisp biscuit base will alleviate the shadows in his mind.

They find him, full of flies, four days later.

My old builder housemate could regularly be seen stood by the fridge shovelling cheesecake into his mouth before going to work.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Glebe on August 02, 2017, 03:12:08 AM
My old builder housemate could regularly be seen stood by the fridge shovelling cheesecake into his mouth before going to work.

Soggy Tesco cheesecake, one hopes.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: spamwangler on August 02, 2017, 08:29:06 AM
The self-proclaimed "email prankster"
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: the midnight watch baboon on August 03, 2017, 12:57:35 PM
A gynophobic lung nurse listlessly bangs away at a slowly deflating Nish Kumar sex doll as his clinic falls further and further behind//
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Glebe on August 03, 2017, 12:59:53 PM
You fail to make the chemist before it closes during a rotten flu bout, then the diarrhea takes off. On a cold winter Monday in the 1970's.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Sebastian Cobb on August 03, 2017, 02:07:49 PM
The weather clouds over about 10 minutes before you take lunch, again.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: GMTV on August 03, 2017, 02:44:58 PM
Another round is it?

Yes, another round.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Glebe on August 03, 2017, 11:56:03 PM
An onion bhaji spend half an hour taking your ego apart.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: cptspalding on August 03, 2017, 11:58:26 PM
http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/world-europe-40818499

Get in graves
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Cuntbeaks on August 04, 2017, 01:54:47 PM
http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-4760750/Shoppers-three-hours-early-opening-new-Poundworld.html (http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-4760750/Shoppers-three-hours-early-opening-new-Poundworld.html)

Apologies for Daily Heil link.

In summary, Rhyl scum go mental for a new Poundland shop.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Bazooka on August 04, 2017, 02:05:01 PM
65 people perish in a fire during a jumble sale at the village hall, the thrifty shoppers burned as they fought over the melting toys, flaming track suits and sickly cakes. The fire investigation showed the source of the fire was a blown socket used to charge a dildo.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Sebastian Cobb on August 04, 2017, 02:12:02 PM
http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-4760750/Shoppers-three-hours-early-opening-new-Poundworld.html (http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-4760750/Shoppers-three-hours-early-opening-new-Poundworld.html)

Apologies for Daily Heil link.

In summary, Rhyl scum go mental for a new Poundland shop.

Quote
Kyle Davies wrote: 'Omg I've been dreaming of a Poundworld.'
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Glebe on August 04, 2017, 03:19:13 PM
Poundland closes in Dumfries. Crime goes up.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Glebe on August 05, 2017, 10:45:26 AM
Some Murray Mints are lodged in an Aldershot chip shop fruit machine.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on August 05, 2017, 12:01:50 PM
A royalist slides a Diana figurine across her labia.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on August 05, 2017, 12:02:58 PM
A man arrives at work to find his kebab shop has been condemned.

The words are striking on the official health and safety notoce attached to the window, the verdict echoing in Abdul's head. CONDEMNED

CONDEMNED

CONDEMNED
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Glebe on August 05, 2017, 03:05:43 PM
Andrew Marr chucks some sedge at a passing angel.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: dex on August 05, 2017, 03:14:30 PM
Stevenage -desolation incarnate.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Cuntbeaks on August 05, 2017, 04:45:33 PM
A Prader Willi sufferer wins 1.9 million on the national lottery.

She is found dead 4 weeks later, surrounded by takeaway containers, copies of Take a Break and an unopened Daniel O'Donnel CD.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Cuntbeaks on August 05, 2017, 04:48:07 PM
A Morecambe man wakes up and wanks over a tabloid image of James Corden in a pair of short shorts.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Glebe on August 05, 2017, 07:43:35 PM
'80s DJ/presenter Mike Read tears up a burka in protest at a local curry house.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Nice Relaxing Poo on August 05, 2017, 08:29:06 PM
Melania Trump comes eye to eye with Donald Trump's short, fat and engorged tumescence and realizes that all the wealth and privilege is no longer worth it. "This blowie is gonna be great folks, just great. I'm not going to blow my beans early like usual, only losers do that. Sad!" blusters Trump as she half heartedly gets on with things.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on August 06, 2017, 02:20:57 PM
A used piñata of Michael Grayling is carried onto the wind and knocks a nest full of baby sparrows into a car crusher.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Glebe on August 06, 2017, 05:09:11 PM
A child on a space hopper crushes your rare Ming vase.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: JoeyBananaduck on August 06, 2017, 07:05:58 PM
An asexual teen vomits all over himself at the sight of his own genitalia in the shower.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Glebe on August 07, 2017, 03:11:19 PM
A posterior knows it's place, seating itself on the cold, hard bench of life.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Spoon of Ploff on August 07, 2017, 06:07:32 PM
I'm starting to feel anxious and guilty about not posting anything in this thread for quite some time now aa it happens.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Glebe on August 08, 2017, 03:52:47 AM
A giant gay smashes the top off Ben Nevis, resulting in fructions in the further-reaches.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: zomgmouse on August 08, 2017, 07:30:38 AM
(http://i.imgur.com/mP2LRwp.png)
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: spamwangler on August 08, 2017, 07:57:46 AM
(http://i.imgur.com/mP2LRwp.png)

That night a dream of watching of their struggling little bodies
making bubbles in a radox scented bath lined with candles
wakes him up with a painfully tight erection

Sexuality is a strange old duck he thinks, running the bath, vibrating with excitement
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: batwings on August 08, 2017, 09:46:55 AM
Class clown, now would-be forum funny-man, joins a forum under the screen name, Betty Swollocks. Within days he is dismissed as a 'Holin Cunt' by the resident funster, Jan Dildo. This public humiliation triggers a series of events - too complicated to explain here - which ends with a man in swimming trunks, holding a fake gun, being shot dead by police on a motorway flyover.

A sado-gerontophile begins to suspect that the custom porn film of a Thora Hird lookalike getting gang-stomped that he ordered on the dark web probably isn't going to turn up.

A father is too busy reading Piers Morgan's autobiography to play draughts with his dying son.

Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Glebe on August 09, 2017, 01:34:08 AM
An angry young mother vomits fish fingers on her daughter's Minions T-shirt.

There's no porn channel in Melvyn Bragg's hotel room, so he pops on Alvin and the Chipmunks: The Squeakquel and starts wanking.

A seagull decides to call it a day and climbs into a food mixer.

A troubled CaB member dreams of meeting Chris Morris and telling him his comedy ideas.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Captain Poodle Basher on August 09, 2017, 09:41:28 AM
A year later than he'd originally planned, Jim finally sets out to enjoy the long-awaited treat he'd planned for his fortieth birthday.

The Dominatrix escorts him into the dimly lit room where he undresses and sits on a low wooden stool. She leaves the room and returns shortly with a man on all fours, wearing a gimp outfit. She places a cucumber at the gimps mouth whereupon he seizes it with the most deformed set of teeth Jim has ever seen and demolishes said vegetable in a mass of drool and cucumber fragments.

"That's pretty much what will happen" says the Dominatrix to Jim who can already feel his cock begin to stiffen.

Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: ollyboro on August 09, 2017, 12:11:12 PM
Shortly after meeting the recipient of her dead son's heart, Brenda hears the heart beating faster and faster as the transplantee violently rapes her.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Norton Canes on August 09, 2017, 12:13:45 PM
Sitting in the waiting room of an ophthalmic ward while a woman clutching a towel to her face calls her family to tell them she's just been a victim of domestic abuse

(Sorry, a real one that)
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Spoon of Ploff on August 09, 2017, 06:10:11 PM
Tom Chapstix realizes that all the memories of the songs he and his childhood sweetheart sang to each other had been replaced by the complete lexicon of auto PA messages played at London Euston
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Glebe on August 09, 2017, 10:27:52 PM
A pittance is offered to a begging squirrel.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: BlodwynPig on August 10, 2017, 01:37:25 AM
The Desolation thread slows to a (s)crawl as people move on with their lives
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: spamwangler on August 10, 2017, 08:47:20 AM
a marriage slows to a crawl as two people refuse to move on with their lives
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: spamwangler on August 10, 2017, 08:50:02 AM
Thomas Dobly uses a MIDI cable as a rudimentary anal bead
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Glebe on August 10, 2017, 12:39:53 PM
Nik Kershaw rams a Casio into a Slush Puppie machine.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Bazooka on August 10, 2017, 01:01:42 PM
A thief gets his bell-end caught on cardboard cut out of Gok Wan as he flees Top Shop.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: the midnight watch baboon on August 10, 2017, 07:49:57 PM
A lagoon belches out a big postman it lazily drowned, before reclaiming it due to lack of kin
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Glebe on August 10, 2017, 11:03:47 PM
Seinfeld returns with a special episode where they all turn into singing puppets.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: dex on August 11, 2017, 01:39:59 PM
A used condom slithers its way out of a can of Stag Chilli that Jasper opens. *Sigh*
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on August 11, 2017, 02:05:09 PM
The remnants of a failed relationship are scattered over a layby.

A severed penis is blown onto the hard shoulder.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Glebe on August 11, 2017, 02:27:02 PM
Raymond likes sliced ham. But fuck me, this lot is 5/6/11.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on August 11, 2017, 06:54:15 PM
Roald Paki gets on TV. Fame at last.

The Man With the Racist Name, Channel 5 10PM
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Spoon of Ploff on August 11, 2017, 07:53:23 PM
a bored off duty copper tasers his daughter's hamster
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Glebe on August 12, 2017, 01:37:21 AM
A bloke steps on a plank of wood in his back garden and accidentally catapults the cat 40ft over the road backwards.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Spoon of Ploff on August 12, 2017, 01:59:43 PM
Mid dunk, a man loses half his digestive biscuit into his cup of tea.

Close the thread good people. It doesn't get bleaker than this.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: BlodwynPig on August 12, 2017, 02:14:47 PM
Trundle Terry, Bumble Bob and Tumble Ted get together to play in the sand pit in their nappies. The bar manager peers through the pub window and hopes their are no leakages like last time or he may have to ban them from the play area.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Glebe on August 12, 2017, 03:01:12 PM
Tumble Ted.

Despite his sweet moniker, Tumbles is later charged with a double homicide.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on August 12, 2017, 10:44:20 PM
Phil Collins pays a wet nurse to stub a cig out on his gut.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: dex on August 13, 2017, 11:11:47 AM
Phil Collins pays a wet nurse to stub a cig out on his gut.

"Take a look at me now!"
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Glebe on August 13, 2017, 06:05:21 PM
A gorgon tries it's hand on Tinder, but nobody bites. Ho-hum, it's back to terrorizing heroes in a mythological setting, then.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on August 13, 2017, 07:00:25 PM
A layabout skates through an infant's Wotsits packet to an epilogue of bealing.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Vodka Margarine on August 13, 2017, 08:20:51 PM
John Kettley allows a mild petrol station misunderstanding to utterly ruin his birthday.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: JoeyBananaduck on August 13, 2017, 09:21:29 PM
Anne Karen from On The Buses defends her character being the brunt of what is clearly spousal abuse, again.

(Genuine quote from Helen Lederer. "It was OK, because Olive was always present". What in the fuck is that supposed to mean?)
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on August 14, 2017, 07:57:12 AM


A man tries to sell his car on 'We Buy Any Car.com' only to be told, 'except that one'.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Glebe on August 14, 2017, 01:16:03 PM
Two friends are laughing happily in the park when a tennis ball suddenly comes flying over in a twirling motion and gobs up one of their mouths.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: ollyboro on August 14, 2017, 07:11:32 PM
Brenda recognises the obstruction that the vet has pulled from her pug's anal canal as her husband's missing Prince Albert.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Glebe on August 14, 2017, 11:28:51 PM
It's raining fish, following an explosion at the pet shop.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Sebastian Cobb on August 15, 2017, 10:49:23 AM
It's raining fish, following an explosion at the pet shop.

Gruesome Trevor is spotted nearby with a net and a look of glee.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Bazooka on August 15, 2017, 12:11:06 PM
The machines at Walkers Crisps can only produce Extra Strong Prawn Cocktail flavour.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Spoon of Ploff on August 15, 2017, 05:56:18 PM
An amateur  Photoshoperer makes it to the semi finals of WimbleWrong 2017 without winning a single match.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Glebe on August 15, 2017, 07:45:47 PM
A Nice biscuit reminisces regretfully about it's life at a Christmas party.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: cptspalding on August 15, 2017, 11:48:28 PM
Brenda recognises the obstruction that the vet has pulled from her pug's anal canal as her husband's missing Prince Albert.

The mystery of her recurring cystitis is now solved, at least.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Glebe on August 16, 2017, 07:17:54 AM
An undercooked chicken delights in making it's consumers violently ill.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Captain Poodle Basher on August 16, 2017, 04:17:45 PM
A real one from earlier. On a rain-soaked pavement outside a pub stands an empty bottle of Old Jamaican rum, forlorn in the middle of a pool of vomit, which also coats the bottle making it look like a particularly noisome volcanic eruption.

Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Bazooka on August 16, 2017, 04:49:42 PM
A chicken nugget blocks a urinal.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Glebe on August 16, 2017, 05:36:54 PM
Saturday night, and a Grimsby nightclub is virtually empty by 00:30. Your pint is rotten, a security bloke is giving you dirty looks and you can smell the toilets a mile off, but at least there's a lovely, freezing-cold winter breeze coming through the fire exit!
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Nice Relaxing Poo on August 16, 2017, 08:51:50 PM
A hard up slob has a posh wank with an inside out crisp packet.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Glebe on August 16, 2017, 11:46:02 PM
"To be the hero, you're not the hero Gotham needs right now, you're not a hero and Gotham doesn't need you," Alfred explains to Master Wayne.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: ollyboro on August 17, 2017, 12:01:47 AM
Kate McCann reads the letter out loud to Gerry McCann: "I wasn't abducted. I just had to get away from you pair of cunts. From Trixxxie née Madeleine.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Glebe on August 17, 2017, 02:23:00 AM
A trouser pleat gets mussed.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Bazooka on August 17, 2017, 09:50:46 AM
A bag of old oysters and shrimp causes the Oblivion ride at Alton Towers to close.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: JoeyBananaduck on August 17, 2017, 10:01:41 AM
Daniel's always wanted to go to the zoo. Daniel's mum finally has the money and time to take him to the zoo. A monkey just sort of keels over and dies.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: pancreas on August 17, 2017, 03:56:02 PM
The music teacher, Mr Mitchell, programmes a four hour school concert. The Entertainer is performed eight times.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Glebe on August 17, 2017, 05:49:20 PM
A depressed omelette stares grumpily at it's creator.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: ollyboro on August 18, 2017, 02:02:19 AM
As Giles watches N'Koko's ( his partner) coffin slide into the crematorium's furnace, he finds himself wondering, if by voting BNP he had, in some ways, helped fire up a climate in which it was socially acceptable to lynch a foreign dog.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: ollyboro on August 18, 2017, 02:14:49 AM
Some bloke follows through as he screams into the wind.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Glebe on August 18, 2017, 05:34:48 AM
Cold soup for breakfast. Third day in a row.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Vodka Margarine on August 18, 2017, 09:04:39 AM
Colette bellows the half remembered hit of Andreas Johnson as a lullaby for her babies - three expired guinea pigs.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Bazooka on August 18, 2017, 09:33:48 AM
The body of a redcoat is found bloated in a coin operated Postman Pat ride at Butlins.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Dex Sawash on August 18, 2017, 01:09:52 PM

"You know, I think Danny(sic) is the best Wahlberg"
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Glebe on August 19, 2017, 04:35:47 AM
A group of boll weevils attempt to stage a production of Annie Get Your Gun atop the Rock of Gibraltar.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Spoon of Ploff on August 19, 2017, 08:23:31 AM
The reborn Christ is put on hold by the TalkTalk helpline.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Clive Langham on August 19, 2017, 07:18:08 PM
At a team building exercise held at Bury Leisure Centre, a boiled egg-bald, fifty-six year-old “Shoe Zone” manager from Skipton describes himself to his Lothersdale opposite number, with no discernible irony whatsoever, as “a playa.”
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Fishfinger on August 19, 2017, 09:55:11 PM
A shut-in eats his last doughnut.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Glebe on August 19, 2017, 10:44:34 PM
Roger Daltrey knocks over a stack of beans in Waitrose and just walks on.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: cptspalding on August 19, 2017, 10:48:45 PM
A father depserately watches through some netting as his son disappears beneath the surface of the ball pit of his local soft play centre.  He cries out for help but nobody takes notice.  Other children dive bomb into the ball pit near to where his son went under.

"He's gone, he's gone", repeating in his mind as he leaves the centre, never to return.  Lost at sea.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Glebe on August 19, 2017, 10:50:27 PM
A father depserately watches through some netting as his son disappears beneath the surface of the ball pit of his local soft play centre.  He cries out for help but nobody takes notice.  Other children dive bomb into the ball pit near to where his son went under.

"He's gone, he's gone", repeating in his mind as he leaves the centre, never to return.  Lost at sea.

Some hours later, there is a distant, muffled cry from within the multicoloured ball-mass. Should father investigate? YOU decide!
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Fishfinger on August 19, 2017, 11:43:38 PM
Some hours later, there is a distant, muffled cry from within the multicoloured ball-mass. Should father investigate? YOU decide!

No.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Fishfinger on August 19, 2017, 11:50:38 PM
A piece of pie-crust tumbles from a tourist's gob, enabling a gull to sit, fly, shit and consume for 24 more precious hours.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: drummersaredeaf on August 20, 2017, 12:51:54 AM
A recent graduate lives with his ex's parents while she knobs around with a 45 year old transport manager.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Glebe on August 20, 2017, 01:02:11 AM
Nigel has a conversation with a snail for an hour.

The body of a redcoat is found bloated in a coin operated Postman Pat ride at Butlins.

False alarm, it was just a dummy of Mr. Partridge!*

*Hi-de-Hi! in-joke, there.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Cuntbeaks on August 20, 2017, 01:58:55 AM
A father depserately watches through some netting as his son disappears beneath the surface of the ball pit of his local soft play centre.  He cries out for help but nobody takes notice.  Other children dive bomb into the ball pit near to where his son went under.

"He's gone, he's gone", repeating in his mind as he leaves the centre, never to return.  Lost at sea.
The final fever dream of a recently  divorced North Sea fisherman, an undisclosed time after the sudden death of his son in a soft play area.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Glebe on August 21, 2017, 02:06:46 AM
53, he was. Liked to have little tea parties with his colection of soiled dolls. It was all very sweet, although he never let the black doll join in, considering her racially inferior.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Glebe on August 22, 2017, 05:30:12 AM
A hoover gets stuck on high suction and destroys the parlour.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Glebe on August 23, 2017, 04:48:04 AM
Some dandelion tea flushes a nacent vole towards it's fate at the back of a Camden Butchers.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Glebe on August 24, 2017, 02:41:03 PM
A hitman misses his mark and shoots the arse off a seal.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on August 24, 2017, 04:00:59 PM
A barista is scorched by a miniature avalanche of Lavazza clag

Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Beagle 2 on August 24, 2017, 04:03:52 PM
You receive an email informing you that a pornbot has started following an ancient and unsuccessful blog.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: the midnight watch baboon on August 24, 2017, 08:26:28 PM
Squatting lichen is legally awarded ownership of Kevin's mind palace
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on August 24, 2017, 09:43:12 PM
"Beale from Hounslow"
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: the midnight watch baboon on August 24, 2017, 11:05:21 PM
A Yeadon man is seen sprinting, at low speed, across Jack Fulton car park. Some claim he had an untethered erection.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Glebe on August 24, 2017, 11:10:39 PM
A tired oaf puts his feet up with a bag of Tesco tortilla chips and a double bill of Gogglebox.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Bazooka on August 25, 2017, 09:52:07 AM
A Cheshire baker is able to produce tiger loafs at half the price thanks to a discovery that you can use old sponges instead of flour.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Glebe on August 25, 2017, 06:50:17 PM
A fig fucks a date out of two pounds fifty.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on August 25, 2017, 08:08:16 PM
A dairy is informed in a competition 'you just didn't want it enough'.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Bazooka on August 25, 2017, 11:36:31 PM
Alan Titchmarsh succumbs to his prize Geranium, his new life as a plant slave begins.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Glebe on August 26, 2017, 12:20:24 AM
Andrew Neil stuffs Diane Abbott full of Smarties and gives Portillo a look like he's next.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on August 26, 2017, 08:04:23 AM
A punnet of prize raspberries is trodden on by the person Legend Gary.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on August 26, 2017, 02:36:02 PM
http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-england-gloucestershire-41050654
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Glebe on August 26, 2017, 09:07:39 PM
An unknown quantity of shrews abandon all hope and toss themselves blindly off the side of Westminster Bridge.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Spoon of Ploff on August 26, 2017, 10:31:50 PM
A grown up adult male is dismayed to discover there are no Sonic Screwdrivers for sale at the Dr Who Experience gift shop.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Glebe on August 27, 2017, 12:55:34 AM
A grown up adult male is dismayed to discover there are no Sonic Screwdrivers for sale at the Dr Who Experience gift shop.

He does spot a Tardis tin moneybox, however. The weekend just got turned up a notch, bro.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Fishfinger on August 27, 2017, 05:08:45 PM
Spider-man refuses to condemn a neo-Nazi atrocity.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Glebe on August 27, 2017, 11:56:55 PM
BATMAN: I've decided to become a nihilist, Alfred, and no longer feel morally obliged to protect human life or actually care about people's wellbeing in any way.

ALFRED: Righty-ho, Master Batman, I'll stick the kettle on.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Glebe on August 29, 2017, 09:28:41 AM
A mariner finds himself shipwrecked at a Morrisons in Dugeness.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Bazooka on August 29, 2017, 10:11:30 AM
Down on the allotment, Spencer Jones gets his prize courgette pregnant again. 
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on August 29, 2017, 08:30:30 PM
A racist pub clubs together to buy an enormous flag of St George to stick on the roof.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Glebe on August 29, 2017, 09:19:57 PM
Arthur Stubbins drains his glass, and cries about the daughter he never sees.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on August 30, 2017, 10:57:45 PM
A lickspittle simpers after an oaf

A lickspittle hides in the background of some bullying

A lickspittle completes Skyrim on Easy
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on August 30, 2017, 11:02:54 PM
A depressed haulier jettisons 30 years worth of family memories but keeps his signed photo of Nigel Mansell. Signed by Chris Rea.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Glebe on August 31, 2017, 12:51:14 AM
A nihilist hits rock bottom and has his brain spin into an infinity of utter madness.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: the midnight watch baboon on August 31, 2017, 08:18:17 AM
The Father of the bride proposes a toast to Gary Barlow, Gaunty and himself.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Glebe on August 31, 2017, 10:18:59 AM
The Father of the bride proposes a toast to Gary Barlow, Gaunty and himself.

"Cheers new dad!" shouts Legend Gary.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Cuellar on August 31, 2017, 01:43:47 PM
Don't miss half price on big brands
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: JoeyBananaduck on August 31, 2017, 01:51:58 PM
A suicidal man pleads with his wife to come home but she won't because her dad doesn't do rush hour traffic.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on August 31, 2017, 02:14:12 PM
A coroner's report reads simply, "Mango chutney".
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Spoon of Ploff on August 31, 2017, 08:40:10 PM
A Bognor Regis shut in is successfully prosecuted for sexually harassing his Alexa unit.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Foggy Buntwhistle on August 31, 2017, 08:43:16 PM
14 years.. 14 years. Of tedium. They part on bad terms. He resorts to straight gin, she to anti-anxiety medication and red wine. The children don't notice at first. Then they resort. Synthetic weed, MDMA and ketamine. Don't talk to each other much nowadays. Chemical haze. Sublimation and slow movement toward deaths horizon. He finishes off another big pour of gin, decides to post on an obscure forum.

The dog suffers from dementia. A demented old smelly sod of dog. Never recognises it's owner when it comes in. That's the worst thing. No tail wagging, just a brief growl then back to it's bed.

She posts "motivational" quotes on her instagram. Everyday. The bin is breeding maggots.

He calls it off. Can't stand the way she says Thurrock. Stays alone the rest of his life.





Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Spoon of Ploff on September 01, 2017, 09:13:33 PM
A pretty young lady smiles and hands me a pamphlet.

Welcome to the Oxford Capacity Analysis.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Glebe on September 02, 2017, 07:33:56 AM
Your worst fears come true with that new kitchen disposal unit.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: BlodwynPig on September 02, 2017, 02:32:03 PM
14 years.. 14 years. Of tedium. They part on bad terms. He resorts to straight gin, she to anti-anxiety medication and red wine. The children don't notice at first. Then they resort. Synthetic weed, MDMA and ketamine. Don't talk to each other much nowadays. Chemical haze. Sublimation and slow movement toward deaths horizon. He finishes off another big pour of gin, decides to post on an obscure forum.

The dog suffers from dementia. A demented old smelly sod of dog. Never recognises it's owner when it comes in. That's the worst thing. No tail wagging, just a brief growl then back to it's bed.

She posts "motivational" quotes on her instagram. Everyday. The bin is breeding maggots.

He calls it off. Can't stand the way she says Thurrock. Stays alone the rest of his life.

I stayed away from this thread for many weeks. I'd thought it had lost its edge. I came today and saw this post. A grin spread across my face. When did I write that, I think, scraping aforementioned maggot mound from tonight's dinner - broiled rat on toast. Oh to be alive!!
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Spoon of Ploff on September 02, 2017, 02:42:28 PM
I stayed away from this thread for many weeks. I'd thought it had lost its edge. I came today and saw this post. A grin spread across my face. When did I write that, I think, scraping aforementioned maggot mound from tonight's dinner - broiled rat on toast. Oh to be alive!!

Does the sickly sweet quality of Canadian life have you yearning for grimmer and grimmer desolation Blodders?
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: BlodwynPig on September 02, 2017, 02:59:29 PM
Does the sickly sweet quality of Canadian life have you yearning for grimmer and grimmer desolation Blodders?

Sickly sweet is an apt term. There is a sullen unease around me. Not yet winter and the cold morning air nips at places I had forgotten existed.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Glebe on September 02, 2017, 04:06:12 PM
cold morning air nips

Racist.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: BlodwynPig on September 02, 2017, 04:14:14 PM
Racist.

transphobe
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on September 02, 2017, 09:20:35 PM
A wingnut viet vet falcon punches a soup vendor
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: drummersaredeaf on September 03, 2017, 02:07:25 PM
A man buys Chaturbate tokens so he can join in an argument about Pokémon in the chat box.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Glebe on September 03, 2017, 02:27:25 PM
Goosey's nuts swell up to the size of freakin' coconuts. Who'd name a child Goosey, honestly!
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Foggy Buntwhistle on September 03, 2017, 08:44:55 PM
I stayed away from this thread for many weeks. I'd thought it had lost its edge. I came today and saw this post. A grin spread across my face. When did I write that, I think, scraping aforementioned maggot mound from tonight's dinner - broiled rat on toast. Oh to be alive!!

Appreciated.

I had to actually stay away from this thread myself for a while as I was a bit wobbly in the noggin for a little bit and it was genuinely just depressing.

Feeling much more like my usual self again, joyfully wallowing in these foul fetid desolate bowels. Oh what light the darkness ignites. 
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: the midnight watch baboon on September 03, 2017, 10:33:51 PM
A sleep apnoea man plays tig with his juddering breasts.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Twit 2 on September 03, 2017, 11:25:30 PM
A man wipes his cold sore-enccrusted lips on the anus of a vagrant.

A boy discovers his dad in his school locker.

Heston Blunenthal stares into a waterfall and the cataract overcomes him.

Luton invades Durham and leaves it smelling of gypsies.

A cauliflower rolls through a puddle of fox sick and bumps into a passed out sous chef. When used to make cauliflower cheese the customers report a 7% increase in satisfaction in a drawn-out consulting process.

A lorry driver abuses his elderly parents in a popular layby.

Stephen Fry's arse is taken away for maintenace.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Glebe on September 03, 2017, 11:36:51 PM
David Starkey stares wistfully out a window in the Tower of London, while the film crew set up the next shot. "I wonder do they still do Curly Wurlys," he's thinking.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Vodka Margarine on September 04, 2017, 12:25:55 AM
A misguided balloon in a box is left on a rural bus.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: BlodwynPig on September 04, 2017, 12:55:39 AM
A man wipes his cold sore-enccrusted lips on the anus of a vagrant.


Read as I have a mouthful of boiled egg. BASTARD FUCKING BASTARD...swallowing now....ngggghhhhhhhhhh
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Foggy Buntwhistle on September 05, 2017, 06:17:20 PM
"PUT IT IN A FACKING MUG AND DRINK IT YOU DIV!" The cry rings out along carpeted hallways in the nursing home. *gulpgulpgulp*

Bjôrn wakes from uncomfortable slumber and swears he hears an air raid siren, he goes back to sleep. He wakes up to blue sky and shine in his eyes. It's the sun, not hot fast nuclear death. He sighs.

A whoopee cushion loses the ability to make a farting noise.



Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: spamwangler on September 05, 2017, 08:48:16 PM
a man shaves off his mustache. his family dont recognize him, and wont let him come in the house. he watches them mournfully through the kitchen window as they call the police, mum clutching the kids terrified
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: spamwangler on September 05, 2017, 08:54:05 PM
he secretly blames the collapse of his marriage on chem-trails
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: ASFTSN on September 06, 2017, 08:23:41 PM
^ Spamwrangler, between these last few and the Gruesome Trevor stuff you've posted, you're on fire.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: ASFTSN on September 06, 2017, 08:24:20 PM
A man considers starting a thread about the most you've won on a scratchcard, but decides the answers will make him feel bad for not winning enough.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: spamwangler on September 06, 2017, 08:52:37 PM
^ Spamwrangler, between these last few and the Gruesome Trevor stuff you've posted, you're on fire.

thanks ASFSN, seem to do by best work inbetween jobs, or in terrible jobs
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: drummersaredeaf on September 06, 2017, 09:37:40 PM
Footballer Clayton Ince releases a gangsta rap album on SoundCloud.

Edit: I meant Clayton McDonald. Desolation.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Tombola on September 07, 2017, 12:03:17 AM
A man closes his unsaved MS Paint defaced screenshot. It doesn't ask him if he wants to save.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Spoon of Ploff on September 07, 2017, 07:48:08 AM
A stained Minions t-shirt stretched over a middle-aged spread.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: spamwangler on September 07, 2017, 12:04:16 PM
an Internet man watches a graph dissolve on contact with opinion

he buries himself in the Fathers4Justice RSS feed, planning his next attack
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Spoon of Ploff on September 07, 2017, 01:55:46 PM
an Internet man watches a graph dissolve on contact with opinion

he buries himself in the Fathers4Justice RSS feed, planning his next attack

I see what you did there hashtagphrasesihate
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: spamwangler on September 07, 2017, 02:14:39 PM
I see what you did there hashtagphrasesihate

cant help it, as a bloke im naturally predicated to violence
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: JoeyBananaduck on September 07, 2017, 04:08:50 PM
A witless but enthusiastic child rushes to tell his peers that he's just overheard his parents saying that he's special. How they laugh. And kick.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: spamwangler on September 09, 2017, 06:12:26 PM
A CuckleBrother dies.

A plaintive cry is carried by the wind over Beachy Head

TO YOU
TO YOU
TM YOU
TO YOU
TO YOU
to you
to you
to you

then nothing
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Steven on September 09, 2017, 06:47:21 PM
Nam Rood orders his 12th pint of Strongbow in the Stockport branch of Wetherspoons, failing a hopeful glimmer of recognition from anyone at the bar he returns to his seat facing the wall and angrily scrawling the cheat codes for James Pond 2: Robocod for the Amiga over the crossword puzzle.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: FerriswheelBueller on September 10, 2017, 02:36:36 AM
An adult accountant furiously refreshes a comedy web forum for confirmation from anonymous strangers that his previous post was amusing because it is the only creative outlet he has left in his life. He is 32 years old, naked, and half-drunk at 2pm on a Sunday. His fantasy football team is doing badly, and his paunch is returning.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: JoeyBananaduck on September 10, 2017, 03:09:29 AM
Nam Rood orders his 12th pint of Strongbow in the Stockport branch of Wetherspoons, failing a hopeful glimmer of recognition from anyone at the bar he returns to his seat facing the wall and angrily scrawling the cheat codes for James Pond 2: Robocod for the Amiga over the crossword puzzle.

In the single moment he chooses to do so a cadre of hitherto-for hidden slimy furtlers take his pint, his leather jacket and his wallet.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Vodka Margarine on September 10, 2017, 09:02:42 PM
People who weren't even alive before his first wank are now his bosses. Loud coffee banter reverberates around his skull as he looks forward to an evening of changing his mother's soiled underwear.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: spamwangler on September 11, 2017, 12:35:27 AM
flattened wasp
fucking waste of time
an abandoned child
a cry under a bridge
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: spamwangler on September 11, 2017, 12:38:13 AM
flattened wasp
fucking waste of time
an abandoned child
a cry under a bridge

sorry i thought this was the unused cab names thread
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Foggy Buntwhistle on September 11, 2017, 08:19:41 AM
People who weren't even alive before his first wank are now his bosses. Loud coffee banter reverberates around his skull as he looks forward to an evening of changing his mother's soiled underwear.

Really wish we still had karma. This is top notch desoláy.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Bazooka on September 11, 2017, 10:21:36 AM
A cheese maker's body is discovered in his bath, died from an overdose of Babybells.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: the midnight watch baboon on September 11, 2017, 01:45:54 PM
A wanker heron wraps a baby-sized rancid dog turd in a white hankie before dropping it on the lap of little dead Essie's glum, mourning mother
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: spamwangler on September 11, 2017, 07:13:14 PM
A Dad's weeks in advance planned 4 hour darkweb cyberwanknado

is scuppered by being dragged out to pretend to be upset at a press conference

i hope they never find the stupid little prick, Lee thinks
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: madhair60 on September 12, 2017, 12:43:33 PM
A fedora-clad Doctor Who fan places loaded shotgun in his mouth. "It's the end... but the moment has been pr-" BLAM. Shotgun discharges. Six year's planning, fucked. Fucked all up the wall.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: spamwangler on September 12, 2017, 09:40:36 PM
YOU FUCKING CUNT!

A coffin is dropped on a foot in a crematorium car park.

Dave spends the rest of the day explaining to everyone at the funeral that he wasn't calling his wife a cunt,

It was just a figure of speech
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: spamwangler on September 12, 2017, 09:45:02 PM
A wanker heron wraps a baby-sized rancid dog turd in a white hankie before dropping it on the lap of little dead Essie's glum, mourning mother

LOVE the idea of a wanker heron. can we have a WANKER HERON thread please
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: MoonDust on September 14, 2017, 04:27:59 PM
Marriage counselling session #52 comes to an emotional catharsis when Harry finally admits his hatred and porn addiction started when he misunderstood that Judie really wanted an actual pearl necklace for her birthday.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Glebe on September 14, 2017, 05:28:02 PM
You're just about holding it together when some bleak event makes a return to your memory banks and haunts your nervous system.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: MoonDust on September 14, 2017, 06:09:00 PM
You're bored and lonely but everyone's busy. You opt for the local pub, on your own, only to see your friend there.

This annoys you.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Glebe on September 15, 2017, 01:56:07 AM
a man shaves off his mustache. his family dont recognize him, and wont let him come in the house. he watches them mournfully through the kitchen window as they call the police, mum clutching the kids terrified

Oh that's good, that is. Pretend Karma.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Berthas Fat Leg on September 15, 2017, 05:40:03 PM
'If I could be anyone famous, dead or alive, past or present? Probably Bernard from Bernard's Watch so I could stop time and go round doing rapes.'

He didn't get the job.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Berthas Fat Leg on September 15, 2017, 05:41:42 PM
A 37 year old wageslave catches a glimpse of his own reflection during the Loading screens of FIFA 2013.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: dex on September 15, 2017, 06:33:27 PM
A rancid burger from Chicken Cottage is smushed into the piss stained bathroom carpet in Todd Carty's bedsit.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Spoon of Ploff on September 15, 2017, 06:44:15 PM
"Day after day
  Love turns gray
     Like the skin of a dying man"


Why's the busker looking directly at me as he sings that bit?
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Glebe on September 15, 2017, 09:15:40 PM
A headmaster points out the new Chinese boy, describing him as "Insanely gook-ish!" to the amusement of all there assembled!
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: JoeyBananaduck on September 16, 2017, 07:41:13 AM
Your beloved grandfather is finally reincarnated as a sentient fart that contemplates its lot in life as it slowly dissipates.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: cptspalding on September 16, 2017, 08:43:09 AM
A well-respected man wears a pair of his wife's panties from the washing basket on his head while knocking one out. It is not until after he finishes that in horror he notices the playful farm animal design on the front of the underpant.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on September 16, 2017, 11:02:27 AM
Yes mate, a four figure payout!

£00.00p
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on September 16, 2017, 11:04:53 AM
Cat corpse.
Chain ferry.
Sour skittles.
Rough seas.
Abject failure.

An abject failure lobs a cat corpse off a chain ferry, then flicks a sour skittle into his mouth in one cold, smooth action.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: JoeyBananaduck on September 16, 2017, 11:07:20 AM
A wheelie bin full of dildos is emptied out following your neighbour Lonesome Dawn's sudden passing.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on September 16, 2017, 11:09:11 AM
The Bregenz Jeb-end

Everyone knows about the Bregenz Jeb-end

Don't ask me about the Bregenz Jeb-end
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Glebe on September 16, 2017, 08:52:31 PM
You awake at 6AM on a grey Monday in January.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Foggy Buntwhistle on September 17, 2017, 12:33:19 PM
Hasn't shit in 4 days, getting worried now. When it comes he passes out with the effort. Wakes up bleeding, out of all his holes.

Malcom likes to run, has to have his morning run. 10k at a 7.8mph pace, good going. He runs and runs. Round the block, round the block, through the park, heavy breathing and the slap slap of his trainered feet hitting pavement. He runs. He likes running. One grey October morning he runs, smiling, straight into the path of an articulated lorry going 50 mph on a dual carriage way. Breathes relief as he lies broken and dying.

3rd bottle of red, weeping onto the phone screen, blurry eyed. Looking at a picture of a dog. Not even her dog.


Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Glebe on September 18, 2017, 04:34:11 AM
A man spots a child's small pet owl on a garden fence, which he proceeds to ka-sproing off the pavement and boot into the stratosphere. It is never seen again by any living human eye.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Glebe on September 18, 2017, 07:39:15 AM
A group of Our Brave Boys perform a Morris dance on a concrete stretch of Gibraltar.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Fishfinger on September 18, 2017, 11:47:55 AM
You awake at 6AM on a grey Monday in January.

It's 2016.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: spamwangler on September 18, 2017, 01:10:16 PM
A group of Our Brave Boys perform a Morris dance on a semi conscious Iranian shopkeeper's stretched out Gibblets.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Berthas Fat Leg on September 19, 2017, 06:16:07 PM
Grandad's brought a bag of conkers round but the kids just wanna watch gore vids.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Glebe on September 19, 2017, 07:52:25 PM
A have-a-go hero slips and breaks his neck and everyone laughs and a heartwarming viral moment is fucking ruined.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: JoeyBananaduck on September 19, 2017, 08:03:57 PM
A long-standing and down on her luck scientist turned proofreader is fired for refusing to add the addendum 'Water isn't actually comprised of H2O, but is in fact whatever it wants to be' to an Oxford approved chemistry textbook.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: JoeyBananaduck on September 19, 2017, 08:08:57 PM
"The pink spaghetti strap top that says 'Slut' in glitter? Sorry madam, we only do that in ages 8-12".
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: JoeyBananaduck on September 19, 2017, 08:15:24 PM
An irate father gleefully cancels family film night in order to give his children a 60 minute PowerPoint presentation on why it's not okay to stick chewing gum under the dinner table.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on September 19, 2017, 09:56:48 PM
A sack filled with unsightly chicken legs is gifted by M&S to a racist policeman.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Glebe on September 19, 2017, 10:34:38 PM
Jacob Rees-Mogg settles down to his cold Waitrose chicken pie, while his wife commits suicide in the pantry.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Cuellar on September 19, 2017, 10:34:53 PM
(https://i.imgur.com/1ZNbcIn.jpg)

Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Glebe on September 20, 2017, 04:25:10 AM
3:20AM, and Martin still can't decide: should he wear the red or the black tie to the interview? Come 10AM, he's missed the bus and is ringing The Samaritans.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: JoeyBananaduck on September 20, 2017, 08:18:08 AM
(https://i.imgur.com/1ZNbcIn.jpg)

oh god
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Glebe on September 21, 2017, 08:25:38 AM
Peter Andre is the new face of Findus Crispy Pancakes.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Epic Bisto on September 21, 2017, 09:49:05 AM
https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=c_nWsJAouBk (https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=c_nWsJAouBk)
David Van Day and Sue Moxley: Proud to sing in care homes
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on September 21, 2017, 10:45:01 AM
A Hebridean airlines pilot waits four hours for a 2.1 megabyte wmv to download of a Japanese woman eating shit through a bespoke glory hole in a glass table.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Glebe on September 21, 2017, 10:49:03 AM
A 56 year-old depressed bricklayer spends the night wanking over extreme hardcore porn before getting his disheveled mess of a self together at 7AM in order to give his daughter away to the effete black man whom he hates to his daughter. Tears of shame and guilt flow during the drunken afters.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: MoonDust on September 21, 2017, 10:54:01 AM
Fred starts getting an erection at the thought of his daughter having sex immediately after she tells him she's pregnant.

"It's okay," he thinks, "It's over the phone, she can't see."

It grows.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Glebe on September 21, 2017, 11:15:32 AM
Party Fred starts getting an erection at the thought of his daughter having sex immediately after she tells him she's pregnant.

"It's okay," he thinks, "It's over the phone, she can't see."

It grows.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Glebe on September 22, 2017, 03:17:58 AM
A cock becomes self-aware.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: zomgmouse on September 22, 2017, 01:36:04 PM
For weeks you notice your tea has been tasting a tad bitter until one day you open the kettle and there in the corner is a shrivelled divorce paper.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: JoeyBananaduck on September 22, 2017, 03:24:49 PM
A lurch in her stomach. Warm, lumpy, soupy diarrhea suddenly cascades down a £2000 wedding dress, and dribbles down the altar. Upon seeing this, the husband proceeds to projectile vomit the spoils of his stag do into the assembled crowd. The vicar faints. The father of the bride's pacemaker gives out. It starts to rain.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Glebe on September 22, 2017, 04:35:09 PM
Billy Bumfarts lets rip at the town fair.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: spamwangler on September 23, 2017, 11:09:30 AM
"why do you keep doing this to your self?"

says a voice, too quietly in another room
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: spamwangler on September 23, 2017, 11:14:10 AM
A lorry full of medical waste careens through a B*witched reunion album signing evening

The headline in the metro the following morning:

C'EST LA VIE
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: spamwangler on September 23, 2017, 11:17:19 AM
A largely forgotten bassist attempts to correct some information on his wikipedia page.

his corrections are removed minutes later, [citation needed]

he begins to doubt himself
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: spamwangler on September 23, 2017, 11:18:50 AM
A sharp slapping sound as strong gust blows a hot crepe into a French child's face
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: spamwangler on September 23, 2017, 11:21:48 AM
A bad Hungarian street chef tearfully pours the contents of a goulash cannon down a drain
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: spamwangler on September 23, 2017, 11:24:34 AM
A lazy magician grumbles as he scrapes the remains of another assistant of the sides of a box
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: spamwangler on September 23, 2017, 11:30:30 AM
A homeless French backpacker sleeping in a storm drain is briefly awoken - and then drowned - by a sea of lukewarm goulash. It is the worst goulash he has ever tasted
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Glebe on September 23, 2017, 11:32:11 AM
A git tosses a badger over a fence.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: spamwangler on September 23, 2017, 11:32:27 AM
sorry i thought this was the pitch your Showtime tv series pilots here therad
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: dex on September 23, 2017, 11:42:46 AM
Ed Sheeran rips off your best song on your 1989 demo tape verbatim and enjoys all the spoils. You eat cold beans on toast while seething at his smug little face on telly.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Glebe on September 24, 2017, 10:03:36 AM
A goose gets wobbly round the umphlagees, but makes it across Segway's Gap. Just.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: MoonDust on September 24, 2017, 10:22:38 AM
A woodlouse under the shower basin in a paedophile's flat can't be arsed anymore.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Foggy Buntwhistle on September 24, 2017, 06:58:09 PM
The sky turns gold, then orange and pink, settling into a deep blue before fading into night. Franz doesn't notice, he is collecting dog shit. For his dog shit collection.

He has forgotten what the stars look like, lived in the city his whole life. Only has a vague childhood recollection of really seeing the stars on holiday once, a sky filled with a million pieces of light, a sky to fill you with awe and wonder, a sky to make you feel small but okay with your smallness. But he lives in the city. He has forgotten what the stars look like.

She performs a love ritual, to make him fall in love with her. He is out rutting a 50 year old divorcee he "met" on tinder in his half paid off BMW.

Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Glebe on September 24, 2017, 08:12:26 PM
A muppet ignores the taunts as he shamelessly walks into a porno store in broad daylight in front of a large gaggle of families out enjoying the high street of a Saturday.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: derek stitt on September 25, 2017, 03:58:24 AM
You have suffered from male patterned baldness. The remaining shape of your hairline is that of a cock and balls.

A full of himself Jamaican boy band member believes he is the re incarnation of Josef Stalin because he has a hammer toe and sickle cell.

Nick Berry is chosen to be the replacement for Peter Falk in a reboot of Colombo.





Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Glebe on September 25, 2017, 03:04:45 PM
Jacob Rees-Mogg hosts an episode of HIGNFY.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Vodka Margarine on September 25, 2017, 07:42:33 PM
Jacob Rees-Mogg hosts an episode of HIGNFY.

You find yourself really enjoying it.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: FerriswheelBueller on September 26, 2017, 03:03:17 AM
You go on a work karaoke night and have a really great time actually, best you've had in ages. See you all on Monday!
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Glebe on September 26, 2017, 08:33:17 PM
A segway fantasies it's a Thomas the Tank Engine-like 'living' vehicle, with a face and all, but it's never gonna happen mate, not evah.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Sebastian Cobb on September 26, 2017, 10:30:02 PM
(https://pbs.twimg.com/media/DKlq_jSW0AAiirn.jpg)

(https://pbs.twimg.com/media/DKlq_46WsAI16QF.jpg)
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Vodka Margarine on September 27, 2017, 12:34:26 AM
Everyone forgets Desolation's 3rd birthday, including its dad.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: derek stitt on September 27, 2017, 02:59:47 AM
A phone in poll decides the D.N.A result of a parental dispute.

You can't help but laugh when a kipper refers to Eddie Izzard as, Fey Guevara.

The real life pain because nobody speaks like Donald Sinden anymore.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Glebe on September 27, 2017, 07:58:40 AM
"I don't suppose we'll ever get a chance to get it on, on this long hard road."

"Yet we may, Mr. Frodo. Yet we may."
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: MoonDust on September 27, 2017, 08:29:46 AM
(https://pbs.twimg.com/media/DKlq_jSW0AAiirn.jpg)

(https://pbs.twimg.com/media/DKlq_46WsAI16QF.jpg)

Fucking hell know how to use commas!

"For those of you know bear know that he has a tattoo.."

Took me ages for my brain to wrap itself around "know bear know". Was one of the "knows" a mistake? Where's the error, oh yeah, this is what he meant:

"For those of you know Bear, know that he has a tattoo.."

Idiot bastard.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Spoon of Ploff on September 27, 2017, 11:29:44 AM
A Thompson Twin searches in vain for their copy of Now That's What I Call Music II.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: jobotic on September 27, 2017, 11:48:14 AM
Fucking hell know how to use commas!

"For those of you know bear know that he has a tattoo.."

Took me ages for my brain to wrap itself around "know bear know". Was one of the "knows" a mistake? Where's the error, oh yeah, this is what he meant:

"For those of you know Bear, know that he has a tattoo.."

Idiot bastard.

that's still painful.

"Those of you that know Bear, will know that he has a tattoo..."





A grown man writes the above.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Spoon of Ploff on September 27, 2017, 12:13:52 PM

know that he has a tattoo..."


could be a proclamation ... "know yee now that he has a tattoo..."
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on September 27, 2017, 02:00:52 PM
A wounded frog is denied medical assistance by a jobsworth of a salamander.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Glebe on September 27, 2017, 03:31:25 PM
An Airfix kit gathers dust in the cupboard, while little Jimmy goes out of his mind on his Xbox/laptop/phone.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: cptspalding on September 27, 2017, 08:40:18 PM
A man turns on the reliable Grundig 22-inch that he took with him when he finally left his parents' in the late 90s and jokes to himself that it is the only thing he has turned on today. 

He chuckles as he considers that it might be the only thing he has turned on this week...and it is almost the weekend!

He then looks at the calendar and notices we are almost at the end of September.  "Soon be payday!", he muses, but then laments that it would have been nice to have at least been smiled at this month.

Summer is over, into Autumn and then Winter.  This year really has passed quickly and he can't actually remember having much contact with anyone really, come to think of it.  He doesn't count that time the lady in the shop stopped him on the way out when she thought he was stealing.  Touched his arm, and his heart.

2017 it says at the top of the calendar, nearly the end of the decade.  He remembers every day like it was yesterday, because it was.

The television has finally warmed up and the familiar sound of Coronation Street fills the room and brings him back.  "Stop bein' so maudlin', silly sod".
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Sebastian Cobb on September 27, 2017, 08:55:32 PM
A man turns on the reliable Grundig 22-inch that he took with him when he finally left his parents' in the late 90s and jokes to himself that it is the only thing he has turned on today. 

He chuckles as he considers that it might be the only thing he has turned on this week...and it is almost the weekend!

He then looks at the calendar and notices we are almost at the end of September.  "Soon be payday!", he muses, but then laments that it would have been nice to have at least been smiled at this month.

Summer is over, into Autumn and then Winter.  This year really has passed quickly and he can't actually remember having much contact with anyone really, come to think of it.  He doesn't count that time the lady in the shop stopped him on the way out when she thought he was stealing.  Touched his arm, and his heart.

2017 it says at the top of the calendar, nearly the end of the decade.  He remembers every day like it was yesterday, because it was.

The television has finally warmed up and the familiar sound of Coronation Street fills the room and brings him back.  "Stop bein' so maudlin', silly sod".

A soulless successful businessman round the corner with a 60" OLED UHD 3D TV and Sky UHD subscription does more-or-less the same thing.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Glebe on September 27, 2017, 09:15:06 PM
A soulless successful businessman round the corner with a 60" OLED UHD 3D TV and Sky UHD subscription does more-or-less the same thing.

3D TVs are on the way out, though.

DESOLATION.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Glebe on September 28, 2017, 10:52:54 AM
A 56 year-old man with a witch fetish has a few wanks to a VHS of Hocus Pocus, on a small, B&W TV.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: MoonDust on September 28, 2017, 11:17:36 AM
that's still painful.

"Those of you that know Bear, will know that he has a tattoo..."





A grown man writes the above.

Unless he meant the second "know" to mean "please be aware that he has a tattoo..."

That's how I took the meaning.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: jobotic on September 28, 2017, 12:13:35 PM
Yeah true.

I guess we'll never know.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on September 28, 2017, 12:20:51 PM
A member of centrist pressure group Progress stays in to wax a treasured pendant
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: FerriswheelBueller on September 28, 2017, 01:12:47 PM
A 56 year-old man with a witch fetish has a few wanks to a VHS of Hocus Pocus, on a small, B&W TV.

It is 8.36am and he is going to miss his train.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: the midnight watch baboon on September 28, 2017, 01:14:52 PM
A plop of earwax denies Steve hearing his estranged daughter telling him that he is loved.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Fishfinger on September 28, 2017, 06:28:46 PM
The suicide attempt just makes them bully him all the harder.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Fishfinger on September 28, 2017, 06:32:09 PM
Sandra in HR emails everyone to announce she's leaving after 5 years "for more better challenges".
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Glebe on September 28, 2017, 07:12:36 PM
Helpless, you watch the psychotic thug two doors down batter the milkman to a pulp, while Mrs. Smuggins across the way screams in her hair rollers.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Glebe on September 30, 2017, 12:36:50 AM
Cold chips, sour milk and a Birds of a Feather rerun. Happy Friday.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Vodka Margarine on September 30, 2017, 02:00:39 PM
Couple died when their van hit a tree runs the local headline.

1 comment from Gregboy52percent

"LOL"
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Glebe on October 01, 2017, 11:37:15 AM
You wake up on a pissed-stained mattress in a field in Belgium, your head spinning and all vomit down your shirt.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: JoeyBananaduck on October 02, 2017, 06:17:07 PM
A moose no longer wishes to moose.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: JoeyBananaduck on October 02, 2017, 06:21:31 PM
"You live too far away from the kids now, Tony. It's not our fault you had to move. You'll just have to ring them instead. Besides, you know Patrick doesn't like it when you drop them off, and they're getting on so much bet-....they're getting on so well with him."

Resigned to his fate, the following Sunday Tony calls his kids. It's a surprisingly uplifting call. Emma doesn't have much to say but she sounds well. Toby tells him all about his new bike.

"I think mum's saying teas ready now. Bye dad, love you."
"Love you too son. Talk soon."

The phone unfortunately is not hung up correctly, and Tony is treated to overhearing Toby's surprisingly accurate impression of his old man, and Emma's peels of laughter.

"Eee, I'm Tony, I'm your old dad. I'm a right sad prick me!"
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Glebe on October 02, 2017, 07:02:16 PM
Glum Monday. Cloudy. Sad. Cold 'treats' for supper. Moody. Glummy. No big occasions coming up. Sad lonely. Floppy.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Captain Z on October 02, 2017, 09:29:16 PM
Magic Ian's comedy oversize trousers now actually fit him properly.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on October 02, 2017, 11:15:59 PM
Geoff from accounts has a long dream where he flame throwers a bush full of coal tits. He has to explain to his wife why he was grinning when he woke up.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Glebe on October 03, 2017, 03:24:16 AM
Keith from accounts dresses up in drag for a specially-organized 'fun day'. Nobody else joins in, he's just sitting there in pumps. But that's 'acceptable' nowadays, of course.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: FerriswheelBueller on October 03, 2017, 03:51:38 AM
Geoff from Accounts Payable stops ironing a crease into his trousers as a cry for help. Nobody notices.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Glebe on October 03, 2017, 03:55:28 AM
Glebe has never worked in an office, and has only done various shite jobs that he couldn't stay in.*

*My account wasn't hacked btw, I'm just hating on myself.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Foggy Buntwhistle on October 03, 2017, 08:40:17 AM
The Moon is looked at from different parts of the globe at the same time.

One of the lookers is enraptured by the glowing orb, a cool tender light that makes him feel warm.

The other looker thinks the Moon is shite. Pointless. Waste of fucking rocks mate.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: jobotic on October 03, 2017, 09:40:09 AM
Couple died when their van hit a tree runs the local headline.

1 comment from Gregboy52percent

"LOL"

thetruthhurts eventually crawls to bed at 4.30am after spending the night looking for stories on local newspaper websites about criminals being sentenced. Tonight he has posted over fifty variations on the "what a joke, he'll be out after 6 months, they should throw them off cliffs, the sub-human scum" and "won't be such a tough guy when all the big boys have him in the shower will he? Don't drop the soap you'll make someone a pretty wife lol" templates.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Lord Mandrake on October 03, 2017, 10:38:08 AM
A highly intelligent Mallard, after ruminating for several years - manages to visualise a synthetic bacteria that will attack cancer cells. Alas, it has no way of communicating this to humans or even it's own duck community.       
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: JoeyBananaduck on October 03, 2017, 10:54:33 AM
Awaking, he realises he's drowning. He decides not to swim upwards and instead breathes deeply.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on October 03, 2017, 08:58:40 PM
Unbelievable... is that semen on that woman's gravestone?


...I swore I'd wiped it all off yesterday.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Glebe on October 03, 2017, 11:36:32 PM
Morgan Freeman narrates a Gregg's ad. It should be hilariously strange, but it's somehow just dark and disturbing.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: JoeyBananaduck on October 04, 2017, 12:26:43 AM
Chris Benoit's pot plant mutely and helplessly watches the evening unfold.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: the midnight watch baboon on October 04, 2017, 11:47:32 PM
A roadkill deer is stored in a cool sack ahead of Yarm Christmas Wonder Land's November 3 opening. The dogstick antlers should cover any massive brain injury outlets, once they're wedged into the poor bitch's head.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: spamwangler on October 05, 2017, 10:56:13 AM
An easily startled primary school teacher is battered in the face by a frozen snake
by an infuriated exotic meat merchant in an unfortunate case of mistaken identity
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Glebe on October 05, 2017, 08:31:57 PM
Keith from Suffolk has a Tesco steak 'n' bake all ready to go. Then the phone rings and Uncle Gubbins reminds him he has to come round and paint the shed. Bollocks.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Glebe on October 06, 2017, 04:38:52 AM
Your umbrella breaks in a rainstorm on the way to a job interview. You get there, all sodden, and sneeze in the interviewer's face. Then you go home and get food poisoning or summit.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: JoeyBananaduck on October 06, 2017, 05:02:19 AM
There's no toilet roll left. The very last square has been taken. You reach up into the dispenser, but nope. Check the next cubicle. Nope.

Just how exactly do you think you're going to mop up all this blood?
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Spoon of Ploff on October 06, 2017, 06:47:18 PM
A phone goes unanswered at the Samaritans...
It's Bob the Samaritan...
He's trying to let them know he'll be in a bit late today...
On account of his crippling  depression...

A man pauses on his walk home from work to type this into the Desolation thread..
It delays his arrival at the Offlicence for no good reason whatsoever.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Glebe on October 07, 2017, 12:19:13 PM
Roland from Sedgefield tucks into a boiled egg on his own. Mmmm. Erotic. It's Saturday night, they're all out partying, fuck 'em.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Foggy Buntwhistle on October 08, 2017, 10:37:45 AM
Frank slips on a banana skin and falls into an infinite void. He is falling now. He falls forever, getting faster and faster. "Fuck sake" he thinks to himself.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Glebe on October 09, 2017, 07:27:13 AM
I've been looking foward to his holiday for a long time... oh wait, test results are back, it's positive the AIDS. Also wife killed in car crash.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on October 09, 2017, 08:40:56 AM
Real life desolation this morning

Canal towpath had been blocked off by the police but reopened today. Spotted bunches of flowers attached to a lamp post, suggesting the site of an accident, or possibly worse...then walked closer...  ...an empty can of Carling was also attached.

A passer by with a sick sense of humour or an emblem for the deceased?

We will never know.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: iamcoop on October 09, 2017, 02:37:25 PM
Real life desolation this morning

Canal towpath had been blocked off by the police but reopened today. Spotted bunches of flowers attached to a lamp post, suggesting the site of an accident, or possibly worse...then walked closer...  ...an empty can of Carling was also attached.

A passer by with a sick sense of humour or an emblem for the deceased?

We will never know.

In Heaton cemetery in Newcastle there are several graves with cans of Carling on them nestled amongst the flowers.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Dannyhood91 on October 11, 2017, 12:02:32 AM
Societies ills lead a womble to suicide.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Dannyhood91 on October 11, 2017, 12:03:08 AM
A sad dad says sorry to a stripper.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Dannyhood91 on October 11, 2017, 12:03:35 AM
A slag regrets it all.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Dannyhood91 on October 11, 2017, 12:04:37 AM
Mad Daz does coke at his nans 90th.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Dannyhood91 on October 11, 2017, 12:05:32 AM
A moon faced simpleton yells at a chapel
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Dannyhood91 on October 11, 2017, 12:06:25 AM
A simpleton on the bus.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Dannyhood91 on October 11, 2017, 12:07:01 AM
A long legged twit VS a million pillocks
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Dannyhood91 on October 11, 2017, 12:09:12 AM
Making dads eulogy a funny one fert lads.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Glebe on October 11, 2017, 04:30:12 AM
Your hair is really greasy and someone's used the last of the Vosene!
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: FerriswheelBueller on October 11, 2017, 04:39:11 AM
An Englishman wears a baseball cap, backwards.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: JoeyBananaduck on October 11, 2017, 08:34:36 AM
Your hair is really greasy and someone's used the last of the Vosene!

You shake and shake the bottle only to do a slapstick-style gaze into the depths of the bottle and be rewarded with the remaining glob of lethal retina burning brown gunk directly to the eye.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: derek stitt on October 11, 2017, 07:27:34 PM
Children of survivors of the holocaust, Pointless Christmas Special.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: drummersaredeaf on October 12, 2017, 11:37:50 AM
Harvey Weinstein phones his maid for a Cuppa Soup.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Foggy Buntwhistle on October 13, 2017, 11:16:36 AM
A 33rd degree Mason decides it's all a load of old bollocks midway through buggering a goat.

Malcom celebrates his 33rd birthday by sticking a candle down his japs eye and letting it burn.

Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Glebe on October 13, 2017, 11:20:38 AM
A mug of cocoa conceals and goes cold, while you're glued to a really poor episode of Emmerdale.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: BlodwynPig on October 13, 2017, 12:26:00 PM
A mug of cocoa conceals and goes cold, while you're glued to a really poor episode of Emmerdale.

From time to time you find a chilly spot in the room but think its a ghost.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: BlodwynPig on October 13, 2017, 12:27:29 PM
At the intersection of perverted euphoria and morbid shame, a Jesuit dials the number.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Glebe on October 13, 2017, 01:11:42 PM
A grouse forgets it's manners and starts upsetting the applecart with all sorts of outrageous flappings.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Glebe on October 14, 2017, 10:52:58 PM
Glebe stays up all night posting in H.S. Art.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: JoeyBananaduck on October 14, 2017, 10:59:43 PM
Solidarity mate.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: spamwangler on October 15, 2017, 12:30:27 AM
Glebe stays up all night posting in H.S. Art.

to the delight and amusement of all
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Glebe on October 15, 2017, 10:55:30 AM
to the delight and amusement of all

Aw, thanks Spammers... EUPHORIA.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: batwings on October 15, 2017, 11:07:22 AM
14 hour amphetamine-fuelled wankathon ended prematurely by DEAD GRAN notification.

Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: JoeyBananaduck on October 15, 2017, 12:18:27 PM
Mentally ill bloke with depression and brain damage tops himself because his wife has fucked off and he literally doesn't understand what he did wrong.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Glebe on October 15, 2017, 12:22:08 PM
It's freezing cold, you're hungry, and you have something venereal.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: pancreas on October 15, 2017, 12:43:57 PM
You've got no arms, no legs, no head, no knees, no hepatic vein, no kidneys, no fucking anything except a fucking pancreas.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: JoeyBananaduck on October 15, 2017, 12:45:20 PM
Donald Pleasence is unpleasant to a pheasant.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Glebe on October 15, 2017, 12:58:50 PM
Cor, I'm starving, this posh steak dinner will go down a treat! Eurrghh, there's all snot all over it! Disaster!
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Cuntbeaks on October 15, 2017, 01:22:15 PM
A chocolate labrador pup is bought to be trained as a fanny licker by a recently divorced harridan.

Mark E Smith looks in the mirror and sees a cocky young man full of vigour and potential looking back. The lumps, deep wrinkles,  the rheumy yellow eyes and toothless maw dont even register. He leans forward and snorts the rest of his morning whizz off said mirror.

Jim Bowen struggles to insert a suppository. He misses the start of Bake Off and kicks a nest of tables across the room in a rage.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: JoeyBananaduck on October 15, 2017, 03:18:49 PM
Man dies strangling self from wardrobe door in an empty house. Where is she? Doesn't matter, Mr Pathetic.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Glebe on October 15, 2017, 09:07:33 PM
Jim Bowen struggles to insert a suppository. He misses the start of Bake Off and kicks a nest of tables across the room in a rage.

Superb.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Foggy Buntwhistle on October 15, 2017, 10:53:13 PM
A grouse forgets it's manners and starts upsetting the applecart with all sorts of outrageous flappings.

This is one of my favourite desolations.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Foggy Buntwhistle on October 15, 2017, 11:01:53 PM
He leaves the rubber bands wrapped tightly over each individual toe until they turn black and fall off. He always hated his toes. Didn't realise you need them for walking, spends the rest of his days stumbling about like a twat.

Spends almost all his waking hours working 16hour shifts in order to get painful and traumatic dental work done. For fun.

A ladybird puts a dent in the right hand side of it's shell by flying into a particularly nobbly twig. Fucks him right off for the rest of the day. 
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: batwings on October 15, 2017, 11:06:09 PM
2 cups of tea too late, a divorced salesman discovers a wanksock in a Travel Lodge kettle.

An oncologist makes a clumsy pass at a freshly-bereaved mother.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Glebe on October 16, 2017, 09:53:27 AM
Asda in Cleethorpes.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Cuntbeaks on October 16, 2017, 11:12:23 AM
At the Asda in Cleethorpes.
Phil Cool is caught stealing tampons and vaseline.

Charges are pressed.

He strings himself up with a washing line from a tree that is home to a dozen bags of dog shit.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: jobotic on October 16, 2017, 12:40:44 PM
2 cups of tea too late, a divorced salesman discovers a wanksock in a Travel Lodge kettle.

Sweet
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Glebe on October 16, 2017, 02:41:39 PM
Phil Cool is caught stealing tampons and vaseline.

Charges are pressed.

He strings himself up with a washing line from a tree that is home to a dozen bags of dog shit.

"Ooh, haven't seen Phil Cool on the telly in a long time, yet there he is hanging from Shitter's Oak!" notes a passing granny, on her way to Asda to buy Tunnock's Caramel Wafers for tea.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Bazooka on October 16, 2017, 04:05:47 PM
A CEO has a midlife crisis, quits his job at a multinational finance firm, blows all his money on Babestation, and applies for a job at Pets at Home( his real dream job). He completes the application form in yellow pen, his is application denied.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Nice Relaxing Poo on October 16, 2017, 06:15:25 PM
A passerby serenades Morrisey with the chorus of "Sheila Take a Bow" as he doubles over in agony from an anal fistula.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Bazooka on October 17, 2017, 03:27:56 PM
Alan Titchmarsh finishes off his nosey neighbor with a garden claw.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Berthas Fat Leg on October 17, 2017, 05:02:52 PM
A real-life Wojak is extra mean to tramps and spastics.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Berthas Fat Leg on October 17, 2017, 05:04:51 PM
"God that new guy is fuck ugly."

You are that new guy.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Glebe on October 17, 2017, 05:15:56 PM
"Mummy, where is daddy going with that tanned young big-breasted lady?"

"To the Cayman Islands, Joey. Now, let's go to the chemist and get your cough medicine... oh dear, I can't afford it."
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: FerriswheelBueller on October 17, 2017, 05:37:50 PM
Run out of hot water but desperately need a shower. Cold water all in your chest and bollocks, jumping in and out and jabbing at the soap. So cold. Soap not properly washed off. No chance of washing your hair. Shit one.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Glebe on October 17, 2017, 07:13:57 PM
Patrick from Human Resources has always been a big Minder fan. One day he has a massive mental breakdown and just walks out of work, goes home, gets his saxophone and then goes out onto a piece of waste ground over Wapping Way, where he performs the entire theme tune on said sax. It's quite an enervating sight, despite the discordant sound and general disturbing quality of the incident.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Glebe on October 18, 2017, 05:03:32 AM
Ooh, he's waited all month for the Ryvita to go stale. He left the packs open specially, so that the staleness would set in quicker. Now he has his hardened crispbreads, and can use them to build his own Fortress of Solitute. It cost a fortune, but it'll be worth it, he tries desperately to convince himself.

48, he was. They found him in the garden.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: spamwangler on October 18, 2017, 04:53:10 PM
A man in a suit made of razor blades slices silently through a suicide net, the wet slap resounds through the Amazon Fulfillment Center.

As specially placed conveyor belt quickly disposes of the remains, an automated letter is sent to his area manager, asking him to re-allocate the overtime appropriately

a note on his dressing room table is binned by a cleanup team, which would have read "Forgive me, Jeff Bezos" if anyone had felt like reading it
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Berthas Fat Leg on October 18, 2017, 06:52:59 PM
A Treacher-Collins sufferer tries, but ultimately fails, to light a Roman Candle stuck halfway up his shitepipe.
 
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on October 18, 2017, 07:51:19 PM
A bugler inhales an earwig
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Quote on October 19, 2017, 11:22:35 AM
Visiting Nan at the Smelly Discharge Nursing Home, she's flat out in the TV room as always, false teeth hanging haphazardly from her lips as she snores loudly. "Hey folks, who's up for some wheelchair aerobics?" shouts out the well meaning, enthusiastic young activities girl, "fuck off" replies Stan, wheezing and coughing up phlegm as he does so. "Please kill me" whispers Ethel.

Home Sweet Home.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: dex on October 19, 2017, 11:59:32 AM
"Unexpected item in bagging area"

After a coughing fit, little max with whooping cough coughs up his pelvis while his mum buys Tesco value crisps in Tesco local.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Cuellar on October 19, 2017, 12:04:19 PM
An emaciated Christian apologist enjoys a cup-a-soup in the staff canteen.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Gwen Taylor on ITV on October 19, 2017, 12:42:15 PM
You overhear colleagues talking loudly about someone in the office that has bad BO.  You approach smiling to join in the gossip and find out who is the culprit. 

Your colleagues very quickly stop talking as they see you approach.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: the midnight watch baboon on October 19, 2017, 01:47:58 PM
A work canteen pushes its own water cooler over.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Glebe on October 19, 2017, 02:20:49 PM
An accident at a Waddington's factory leaves 100 dead, but the incident is covered up by a sinister cabal led by Monopoly's mascot Rich Uncle Pennybags.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Bazooka on October 19, 2017, 03:01:24 PM
A retched specimen regurgitates the Rustlers Burger he tried to steal from the corner shop, as he pukes up the fast food including packaging, the shop keeper sets him on fire with a lighter and a can of Lynx Africa. 
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Glebe on October 20, 2017, 12:15:30 AM
The Tunnocks Boy is currently serving several consecutive life sentences for multiple homicide.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on October 20, 2017, 07:07:57 AM
A lorry driver reads about how to fuck and kill a kid then does it
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: spamwangler on October 20, 2017, 10:51:52 AM
A man never really makes anything of his life, always falling back on the excuse that the world is going to go to absolute shite in his lifetime anyway, what is point.
world soilders on for another okish two generations, no thanks to this fucking waste of space

an iexplicable shower of wheelie bins completely FUCK UP a funeral and most of the graveyard


Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Glebe on October 20, 2017, 11:48:28 PM
Nervous, with a lump in the throat. Look, you've filled out all your details. It's just a matter of clicking the 'CONFIRM' button.

There, that wasn't s'hard now, was it? Best £99 you ever spent... enjoy your brand-new patented willy-bummer!
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Spoon of Ploff on October 21, 2017, 12:11:42 PM
"you have successfully installed java"
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: dex on October 21, 2017, 01:36:34 PM
Turds in brine.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Cuntbeaks on October 21, 2017, 04:28:31 PM
A mono-browed sex abuse victim whines for hours about getting 'the smaller' samosa.

Lard as lube.

In a fit of self pity, a scratchcard addict throws himself down some stairs outside a Spar in Stevenage.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Glebe on October 21, 2017, 11:23:29 PM
Fucking horrible, rainy night, you arrive and sit in the freezing cold canteen. Eight-hour abattoir shift ahead.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on October 22, 2017, 11:35:14 AM
A snowglobe featuring a family of bears enjoying Christmas is used to end a dog's life.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Glebe on October 22, 2017, 12:54:04 PM
A snowglebe featuring a family of bears enjoying Christmas is used to end a dog's life.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Spoon of Ploff on October 22, 2017, 02:35:35 PM
Turns out the dead drunk by the clock tower was actually dead. As the bored ambulance crew load up the corpse and drive away, Simon quietly deletes the selfie he taken half an hour earlier, posed on the bench next to the slumped urine soaked figure. He's overriding emotion is one of relief that he hadn't gotten around to uploading the picture to his twitter feed.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Glebe on October 22, 2017, 03:31:40 PM
You piss yourself on the bus, and your fellow passengers look at you with disgust. For shame. 45, you are.

45.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: FerriswheelBueller on October 22, 2017, 08:38:19 PM
An armed siege at a West Midlands bowl-o-plex ends “pretty cheerful because everyone who was in the car park has been given hospitality from Frankie and Benny’s.”

https://www.theguardian.com/uk-news/2017/oct/22/hostage-situation-reported-bermuda-park-nuneaton-retail-park-police-ongoing-situation

(I’ve been to both the bowl-o-plex and F&B’s in question. Fuck me.)
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Glebe on October 22, 2017, 09:49:19 PM
Aubrey is beginning to feel that he made a mistake. Sarah had planned a night out with the girls, but called it off to stay in with him and watch old VHS recordings of Pigeon Street. She eventually registers her distaste for the show with a kind of grunted growl.

Pigeon Street. (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lav92tfPNBg)
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: the midnight watch baboon on October 22, 2017, 10:28:14 PM
A fat kid is blinded by a rainbow.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Nice Relaxing Poo on October 22, 2017, 10:58:27 PM
Louis Theroux is revealed to have a penchant for kicking sleeping tramps in the balls, repeatedly.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: ollyboro on October 22, 2017, 11:05:58 PM
A man with no arms is given a Rubik's Cube as a late birthday present from his mother.

An orthodox Jewish Parkinson's sufferer is given Buckaroo! for Christmas by his BNP supporting Holocaust survivor Bubbe.

After years of refusing him the same, Tim Herman catches Andy Murray balls deep in Mrs Henman's shitter.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Glebe on October 23, 2017, 04:05:32 AM
An overweight, repressed homosexual stays up 'til 5AM pining for Ceefax. It's gone, mate, no use crying over spilt milk.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: pancreas on October 23, 2017, 02:49:40 PM
Boredom-induced hi-jinx claims Annie Lennox's thumb.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: batwings on October 23, 2017, 06:28:00 PM
A baby gets disfigured by a firework thrown in its pram. Grows up and gets a job turning down claims for Universal Credit. Lives on 4chan and takeaways.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Glebe on October 23, 2017, 11:52:22 PM
The first Monday of January, and a bout of diarrhea causes discomfort and embarrassment. Meanwhile, is this cold every going to lift?!
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: FerriswheelBueller on October 24, 2017, 03:27:22 AM
An unhappy husband replaces his excessive over-use of 4chan with excessive over-use of an obscure British comedy forum. His wife dismisses his advances with the exactly the same vigour.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: the midnight watch baboon on October 24, 2017, 08:32:04 AM
A Lyme-carrying tick clambers onto the coattails of Colin's nape beard.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Glebe on October 24, 2017, 10:45:42 AM
A hipster with a big handlebar moustache discovers that fashions have changed and that's not 'cool' anymore. He doesn't know what to do.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: drummersaredeaf on October 24, 2017, 11:32:28 AM
Les Dennis counts how many times it says 'That fucking whore' in his diary.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Glebe on October 24, 2017, 11:36:46 AM
Les Dennis counts how many times it says 'That fucking whore' in his diary.

1,264. So far. And he hasn't even started on Amanda Holden yet. That fucking chicken!
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: batwings on October 24, 2017, 12:16:52 PM
The last good sleep Simon enjoyed was the night before the discovery of a large human turd in the guttering.



Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Cuntbeaks on October 24, 2017, 10:09:16 PM
22 December and an abuse victim pisses in a 1.5 litre Fairy Liquid bottle, skooshes it in various postboxes. Fills it back up behind the bins at Greggs, same again.

Another miscarriage, she stops to scoops out the mess  behind the bins at Greggs.

A sexy poodle is raped behind the bins at Greggs.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on October 25, 2017, 12:13:09 AM
Gravity and hubris combine to dramatic effect on a helipad.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Glebe on October 25, 2017, 12:26:36 AM
A goose fucks a throat lozenge over a hedge.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: derek stitt on October 25, 2017, 01:03:39 AM
Throwing sperm instead of confetti at your eldest child’s wedding

Boasting that you are Shropshire’s answer to Tiny Tim

Being so lonely that you show a rare visitor the tinned gods that you have in your kitchen cupboards
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Glebe on October 25, 2017, 01:20:18 AM
Orville reveals that Keith Harris sold crack in order to supplement his income.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Fishfinger on October 25, 2017, 06:29:58 PM
Darren is baffled to be handed a condolence card. "Erm, it's 'cos of your daughter... y'know, the crash?" "Oh, right yeah. Cheers mate."
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Bazooka on October 25, 2017, 06:54:59 PM
Mr Singh's shop is targeted for the third night in a row by a local group of youth's stealing Bounty's, Kit-Kats and cans of Rubicon. Mr Singh was prepared this time and had laced all his confectionery with leprosy.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Replies From View on October 25, 2017, 07:07:59 PM
You suddenly realise that you have to go back to secondary school to finish off an exam, so you head on over.

You are the same age as the headmaster, it turns out, who doesn't know who the flaming fuck you are or why you are there, and he says so.  You explain that the school was expecting you, and therefore so was he.  He looks baffled.  You tell him that you didn't finish an exam many years ago and that every now and then it has haunted you, but until this moment you had kept forgetting to do anything about it.  He gives you a blank look, so you slow down and start again.  This was your secondary school, you explain.  This place used to chase you for homework, which always meant more to your school than it did to you.  This place wanted you to do this exam, and you didn't finish it.  You have finally come clean, you say.  You want to finish the exam and move on.  With your life, you add.

The headmaster tells you that there's no way you're still on their files anywhere.  You think they never clear out the filing cabinets?  You think you've left a trail of your life here just because it was your secondary school?  Mate you're now a couple of decades away from being ashes, he says.  Do you think we're going to store your ashes here when you die?  "No of course not, I know that," you begin to say, but you feel too stupid to bother finishing it.  You were going to say something else but you've lost your train of thought.


The next morning, you realise that you never had to go back to secondary school because of some unfinished exam.  Maybe it was a dream or something that you had.  It was too weird to have been real life.  In real life people aren't perplexed by you as you go off on one.  You don't get all paranoid because of how they're looking at you, then at some point it just ends and you don't even remember how you got home.  It's dreams that do that, not real life.

Weird though.  You feel empty inside, as if in real life places that take up vast amounts of your consciousness have no memory of you in the end, and that in real life you are very quickly forgotten about, there's no trace of you anywhere and nobody really knows who you are, or cares even.

Weird.


Just a dream, you say again.  And you snuggle off back to sleep.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Fishfinger on October 25, 2017, 07:36:38 PM
A busy dad seals an unwanted Christmas puppy in a tin of Ronseal One Coat.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: FerriswheelBueller on October 25, 2017, 07:46:16 PM
A Fathers 4 Justice publicity stunt ends in disaster when a crudely-daubed bedsheet becomes tangled with an outflow pipe on the roof of the Southwark Municipal Council building, and a hapless participant. It takes the fire crew nearly 3 hours to retrieve the body of Darren Partlow, father of 3.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Foggy Buntwhistle on October 25, 2017, 07:59:42 PM
A fall. Not a big one. Slipped on an empty packet of monster munch. Brain damaged now. Locked in. Communicate with eye twitches. "KILL ME" "KILL ME" "KILL ME" "KILL ME" "KILL ME".

They don't.


Particularly painful shit that one. Blood in the bowl and on the paper. Have a closer look.. there's a penny in there? Shat out a fucking penny?? No recollection of eating one. The mystery haunts.


Angus takes rides along the empty winding West coast Scottish roads at dusk on his carbon fibre road bike. Yellow tinted glasses for the wind. He rides with his mouth agape. It's for the midges. He fucking loves them, swerves into the clouds. Open, shut, swallow and repeat.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Glebe on October 25, 2017, 08:40:45 PM
Glass in the cornflakes. Well that's my morning fucked, then.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: the midnight watch baboon on October 25, 2017, 11:22:29 PM
The eleven billionth lol to be used on a detailed incest forum is brought to the users' attention by SPUNKLEGREG23
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Glebe on October 25, 2017, 11:52:41 PM
A manta ray gets stuck in your Jap's eye during a trip to the aquarium.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Glebe on October 26, 2017, 04:52:38 AM
Sir Michael Grade gets trapped in a plunging lift. As he enters zero gravity, he notices Jean-Michel Jarre's 'Oxygene Part IV' pipping over the speakers.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Replies From View on October 26, 2017, 10:12:38 AM
Grieving, newly-widowed June sorts through the belongings of her dead husband in preparation for moving house.

Three huge cardboard boxes have dominated the living room for decades.  Properly massive ones.  She has always respected that they needed to be here, though they've been a bit of a pain in the arse over the years.  Always getting in the way, and that.  Something to do with her husband's work, important paperwork, stuff that needed to be sorted or just stored there.  She approached them today.  Her husband's treasured archive.  His life's work.  Everything he'd ever completed, and all the tangents he'd set in motion but never had the life within him to finish.

She lifts the top box down and dust billows from the lid.  A heavy box this; heavier than she was expecting, and for a moment she regrets trying to move it.  She places it (half drops it) on the floor, peels the sellotape off the lid and, with trepidation, creaks it open a tiny crack, then all the way.  This is it.  All that remains of her husband, here in front of her.  Inside:  video cassette after video cassette of Dawson's Creek.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: drummersaredeaf on October 26, 2017, 10:50:42 AM
New bed sheets. You haven't bathed for a week.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on October 26, 2017, 12:53:41 PM
A disregarded railing witnesses the end of everything.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Gregory Torso on October 26, 2017, 02:30:51 PM
An unbaptised Yorkshire terrier is crushed to death during a stampede at a debutantes ball.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Gregory Torso on October 26, 2017, 02:31:36 PM
A man receives pneumonia for his 40th birthday.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Gregory Torso on October 26, 2017, 02:36:40 PM
After dancing around the fire of full blown alcoholism for a good decade, a divorced music teacher decides to belly flop into the flames.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Sebastian Cobb on October 26, 2017, 04:22:46 PM
After dancing around the fire of full blown alcoholism for a good decade, a divorced music teacher decides to belly flop into the flames.

Beautiful
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Glebe on October 26, 2017, 04:23:57 PM
Truro, 1980. An arms dealer hosts a party in his large back garden, with numerous associates and their families in attendance. There is champagne for the adults, fizzy pop for the kids, and music, laughter, fun and hired clowns. During the egg and spoon race, and with the sound of 'Popcorn' (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DBYjZTdrJlA) blaring out over the sound system, he takes some of his business partners aside to discuss the sale of some new-fangled explosive devices to various despotic regimes around the globe.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on October 26, 2017, 06:07:53 PM
A James Corden impersonator is outed as gay via the autopsy of a popular macaque.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: jenna appleseed on October 26, 2017, 07:13:20 PM
A fall. Not a big one. Slipped on an empty packet of monster munch. Brain damaged now. Locked in. Communicate with eye twitches. "KILL ME" "KILL ME" "KILL ME" "KILL ME" "KILL ME".

They don't.

It wasn't even real monster munch but the Polish shop brand ghost shaped Smith squares esque ones.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Glebe on October 26, 2017, 07:28:16 PM
An armadillo is sort of 'balled up' and badoinged off the various walls of a shopping precinct.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: batwings on October 26, 2017, 11:04:55 PM
The ice cream isle of Morrisons: a middle-aged,woman who looks like Peter Kay in a shit wig, continues deliberately along her long road to diabetes and heart failure. "A suicide pact with Ben & Jerry" she thinks and laughs to herself as she reaches for the caramel-sutra.

The stench of fish and perfume in Swansea indoor market as rain batters on the roof.


Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: FerriswheelBueller on October 27, 2017, 12:02:02 AM
A bird flies into a window, attracted by the small pieces of flapping paper on a fishing line. It's spine irreparably damaged, it succumbs fairly quickly.

"That's 2 already this morning!", chortles Graham.

It is 7.26am and there's a long day ahead. "Hope I have fishing line"; he thinks to himself. Divorce has really suited him anyway so it's all totally fine.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Fishfinger on October 27, 2017, 12:40:03 AM
A coach driver's misjudgement of a Highland track's camber results in a desultory but consuming fireball. The overhead drizzle extends lifespans without significantly dampening pain.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: FerriswheelBueller on October 27, 2017, 01:06:17 AM
A parochial oaf twists his ankle on the municipal swimming pool steps. He sues Warwickshire county council and wins almost three-hundred thousand pounds.

The amount comes almost entirely from the adult literacy program.

Theresa May laughs so hard she almost cries into her armagnac.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Glebe on October 27, 2017, 01:08:49 AM
They thought their foster son was away at summer camp. Discovers them about to engage in sex dressed as Cornelius and Zira. Masks and all.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Glebe on October 27, 2017, 09:42:25 AM
A fledgling owl hoots itself hoarse while trapped in a dustbin.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Replies From View on October 27, 2017, 01:35:09 PM
A man in his late 50s needlessly shrinks another crisp packet in the oven he uses for nothing else.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: batwings on October 27, 2017, 01:42:53 PM
A confused groundskeeper screams "DAN! DAN! DAN!" at a grieving Laurence Llewelyn-Bowen as he walks across a crematorium car park.

A Peter Andre superfan chokes on a pen top.

It's not an anal fissure, it's a cancerous polyp and you've left it too late.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Vodka Margarine on October 27, 2017, 02:58:50 PM
A highly regarded oncologist makes the obvious joke upon breaking the news to inessential rapper and self-proclaimed 'Lyrical Jesse James' Turbo B that he's riddled with inoperable tumours. Two years and several woodlands' worth of paperwork later, he loses his entire livelihood.

"Please..... it had to be done!!" he rasps drunkenly at the disappearing SUV containing his wife and young children.

He steadies himself against the garden fence and starts chuckling.

"It was just a snap decision....."
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Glebe on October 27, 2017, 04:46:41 PM
Roger from Huang Province forces a wallaby to careen into a dairy float in Hungary.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Glebe on October 27, 2017, 11:00:27 PM
"Mum, these fish fingers are out of date."

"Sorry Suzie, it's all we have..." replies Madge, giving her daughter a sad look before sneaking upstairs and enjoying her lovely take-away.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on October 28, 2017, 12:54:25 AM
A cat stares for hours at duplicate stickers of Earl Barrett for the 1996/97 Merlin Premiership Sticker album
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: derek stitt on October 28, 2017, 02:06:29 AM
Recreating and wearing the armour of Ned Kelly, using your collection of empty Fray Bentos pie tins, for a fancy dress party, only to be riddled with bullets by anti terrorist police as you struggle to get out of your car.

A club foot with magnetic properties is abandoned at the North Pole, on his stag night,  by a great bunch of lads.

The landlady at my local pub is the spitting image of Ernest Borgnine in a wig.

Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: FerriswheelBueller on October 28, 2017, 02:21:53 AM
6.50am, still going, another bump, 2 more tins, stubbing a cigarette out in a fray bentos pie tin. Turn that music up!

Fucking massive Tuesday, lads. Legendary.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Glebe on October 28, 2017, 02:53:53 AM
Jean-Michel Jarre is discovered in a cupboard at Radio Luxembourg.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Gregory Torso on October 28, 2017, 03:20:58 AM
A discontinued painter-decorator chokes down a black egg in the backroom of an unlicensedl funeral parlour.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Gregory Torso on October 28, 2017, 03:37:38 AM
Too much is asked of a bicycle pump in an unbelievably filthy sex den in North Kesteven.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on October 28, 2017, 09:45:32 AM
The county Monaghan brings out a special Monaghan calendar.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Foggy Buntwhistle on October 28, 2017, 12:01:46 PM
A discontinued painter-decorator chokes down a black egg in the backroom of an unlicensedl funeral parlour.

Too much is asked of a bicycle pump in an unbelievably filthy sex den in North Kesteven.

Fuck me these are good. A natural talent.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Gregory Torso on October 28, 2017, 12:06:06 PM
Cheers mate!
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Foggy Buntwhistle on October 28, 2017, 12:07:52 PM
He always eats the seeds. In the vain hope a tree will grow in his belly. To alleviate his loneliness.


She thinks he's cool with still being mates. His heart hurts. 


A bright turquoise button sinks into the mud. Was a keepsake. It's never seen again. 
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: spamwangler on October 28, 2017, 12:18:39 PM
A bus replacement service, hopelessly lost on a foggy mountain top somewhere between Shrewsbury and Aberystwyth. The driver turns off the engine and shoos the remaining passengers off into the boggy scrubland of the night.


' they've got two chances now '
 he consoles himself, throwing rocks at the bemused stragglers
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Vodka Margarine on October 28, 2017, 12:22:21 PM
A child deliberately named Boris creates a spreadsheet of his most satisfying snail crunches.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Spoon of Ploff on October 28, 2017, 12:23:37 PM
Karen's decision to logon and work at the weekend,  to earn some much needed brownie points from her line manager, is just delaying the inevitable. She knows this, and does it anyway.

An amateur tea leaf reader's morning cuppa tells him to fuck off and die.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: JoeyBananaduck on October 28, 2017, 01:13:53 PM
A middle aged divorcee signs up for Mayfair's website then finds himself too full of self-loathing to be bothered wanking.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: spamwangler on October 28, 2017, 03:40:08 PM
Morrisey glibly fishhooks his anus and presses it up against a curry house window. His three eyes dark throbbing enigmas of ennui
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Quote on October 28, 2017, 05:41:46 PM
An American soldier straps a grenade to a Afgan goat herder's bollocks and pulls the pin. He and his squadmates chuckle heartily as the body parts cartwheel balletically through the air.

"Democracy, muthafucker!"
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Glebe on October 28, 2017, 06:11:02 PM
A bored Chihuahua strolls along to a local football match, and barks at people it thinks have wronged it in the past.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on October 28, 2017, 08:37:44 PM
Kriss Akabusi bellows AWOOGA down the gullet of a dead young girl.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Glebe on October 28, 2017, 11:01:31 PM
Ronald McDonald kidnaps your children and holds them to ransom on Southend Pier.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: derek stitt on October 29, 2017, 10:50:27 AM
“ sorry love, congratulations on giving birth and everything but we have hit a snag, I didn’t quite catch the light as the baby was crowning and if you want to upload better photos thhan when your sister gave birth we are going to have to go again... so if you don’t mind popping the wee mite back up inside... yes I know it hurts but think of the Facebook likes you will get... so pop the little cherub back up and we can try again, will you do that for me my poppet?”

She complies
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Foggy Buntwhistle on October 29, 2017, 11:30:15 AM
A bored Chihuahua strolls along to a local football match, and barks at people it thinks have wronged it in the past.

I really wish we still had karma so I didn't have to make posts like this. But this is amazing. I love you.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Gregory Torso on October 29, 2017, 12:36:37 PM
An owl is drowned in a jug of wine for the benefit of a howling crowd of gap year sex tourists in a Shanghai gentlemens club.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Gregory Torso on October 29, 2017, 12:55:19 PM
Rocks. Pockets. Bridge. River.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Glebe on October 29, 2017, 02:26:46 PM
I really wish we still had karma so I didn't have to make posts like this. But this is amazing. I love you.

Thank you kindly, Foggy.

A nacent hedgehog pleads bitterly with the landlord to give him a few more weeks to pay the rent, but to no avail. The incident took place at a race course with a number of both the hedgehog's and the landlord's friends in attendance, and was very embarrassing for all concerned. But mostly for poor hedgehog.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Glebe on October 30, 2017, 03:26:18 AM
Emily throws some stale rice on the floor for George, her stuffed budgie. "Perhaps pater will buy me a new bird... that I can stuff," she muses, doodling idly in her 'Shitlist Diary'.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Glebe on October 30, 2017, 10:47:59 PM
An irritated pangolin asks for a refund on an issue of What Car? magazine it purchased in WHSmith that afternoon, because "the edge of the cover is fucking ripped, mate."
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on October 30, 2017, 10:54:23 PM
A gollum impersonator wins enough money to have corrective surgery on his hideous deformities. He dies, beautiful, plastic and penniless.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: FerriswheelBueller on October 31, 2017, 12:27:55 AM
Third time through the wash and the stain is still very much visible.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Glebe on October 31, 2017, 12:34:10 AM
Third time through the wash and the stain is still very much visible.

He burns the shirt, but the bloodstained bit flies off in the wind and is later discovered during the subsequent police investigation. Life sentence, no parole.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: FerriswheelBueller on October 31, 2017, 02:13:37 AM
He burns the shirt, but the bloodstained bit flies off in the wind and is later discovered during the subsequent police investigation. Life sentence, no parole.

An Internet oaf realizes his posts on an obscure comedy forum will never match those of fellow user “Glabe”, either in quality or volume. He forlornly continues, deriving no joy from the format, plumbing deeper and deeper abysses for cheap shock laughs.

His wife worries from the next room.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Glebe on October 31, 2017, 03:10:47 AM
His wife worries from the next room.

He does, at least, have a wife.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Gregory Torso on October 31, 2017, 05:33:12 AM
A sausage dog explodes in front of its child.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Gregory Torso on October 31, 2017, 05:35:10 AM
A spider spends half an hour trying to chat up an arseclag.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: derek stitt on October 31, 2017, 07:05:15 AM
An overly fashion conscious masturbator considers killing himself or shopping at Primark because the blue PH reading of his semen was so last years colour. Infertility is so in vogue this year.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on October 31, 2017, 07:12:30 AM
A two year long excavation project following the discovery of an exquisite Roman mosaic floor is followed by an even more painstaking four year project to clean, restore and piece every single title back onto its respective spot, wherein a team of 140 lifelong dedicants unearth and restore the biggest and most explicit tableaux of children being raped for pleasure.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: derek stitt on October 31, 2017, 07:58:09 AM
A two year long excavation project following the discovery of an exquisite Roman mosaic floor is followed by an even more painstaking four year project to clean, restore and piece every single title back onto its respective spot, wherein a team of 140 lifelong dedicants unearth and restore the biggest and most explicit tableaux of children being raped for pleasure.

I hope the dig was funded on lottery money.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: the midnight watch baboon on October 31, 2017, 11:19:12 AM
A unlikeable shrew hangs itself with a noose twilled from grandpappy's pubes.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Cuellar on October 31, 2017, 03:47:29 PM
You look forward to telling your partner about the hilarious incident at work.

"Ha wow" They're not listening.

They couldn't give a fuck.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Replies From View on October 31, 2017, 04:13:50 PM
Has to catch a train but it’s been delayed for an unspecified duration.  It’s freezing cold so he decides to step into the cafe on the train platform while he waits.

It’s a Puccino’s - a dreadful place with all its chummy little asides to its friend the customer.  You know the kind:  there’s a biscuit wrapper that has “stupid little biscuit” printed on it for no reason.  A sign in the pastry-warmer that remarks about some sold-out item being “invisible at the moment”.  When this place is closed, the sign on the door says “shut happens”.  Like a wacky teenager has given the place a once-over with his shit sense of humour.  But he goes in anyway because it’s freezing.

He orders a small white Americano and glances back at the pastry-heater.

”And a sausage roll please.”
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Glebe on October 31, 2017, 04:32:57 PM
Roger the Toad rings a load of sex lines and shows the bill to his family, as a sort of cry for help.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: FerriswheelBueller on October 31, 2017, 04:52:31 PM
A man interprets "Roger the Toad" as a demand rather than a proper noun, with fatal results for the amphibian in question.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: the midnight watch baboon on October 31, 2017, 05:18:17 PM
A footballer laughingly Instagrams a one-flappered penguin.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: ollyboro on October 31, 2017, 05:32:17 PM
A child is bullied by his invisible friend.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Foggy Buntwhistle on October 31, 2017, 05:41:59 PM
A man has all his teeth extracted and sticks bits of sweetcorn in the holes instead, for a youtube prank.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Glebe on November 01, 2017, 01:48:55 AM
A rare owl is ka-sproinged off a garden trampoline, bouncing 20ft into the air and rebounding off the side of a motorway billboard before flying into the path of a professional cricketer and being thwacked across a busy shopping district.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Glebe on November 01, 2017, 07:14:50 AM
Harold leaves the orange segments to dry out on the landing, so that when he wakes up in the morning they're all hard and bitter. "Thaz deh way um like um!"
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Foggy Buntwhistle on November 01, 2017, 07:19:04 PM
Licks windows "clean". Inner city. Licks the grime and grease. Loves a bus window. Hair grease is her favourite.



Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Spoon of Ploff on November 01, 2017, 08:03:33 PM
(https://i.imgur.com/MHLa8bv.jpg)
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Vodka Margarine on November 01, 2017, 11:16:29 PM
A man in a burning house has no choice but to perish with his homemade A Question Of Sport 'complete box set' that has none of the Frankie Dettori episodes.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: ollyboro on November 01, 2017, 11:35:11 PM
As he hugs his wife for passing Jeremy Kyle's lie detector test, Clive can smell the cum on her breath.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Bazooka on November 02, 2017, 12:21:20 AM
As he hugs his wife for passing Jeremy Kyle's lie detector test, Clive can smell the cum on her breath.

Simply excellent.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: DistressedArea on November 02, 2017, 12:32:33 AM
Mbempe's essay 'what I did in the summer holidays' would be read out at his father's war crimes tribunal.

He got a C-.

Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Glebe on November 02, 2017, 12:53:26 AM
What a fantastic Monday! Work wasn't excrucuatingly awful, and, despite an awful dose of the runs, I manage to go for a few pints with the lads... oh dear. I haven't budgeted properly and I can't afford any more drinks. "Sniff... sniff... is that shit I smell?" The bird you fancy has noticed a big stain on your jeans. Fuck my life, heh!
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Glebe on November 02, 2017, 09:04:05 AM
Keith from Hayes brutalises a hedgehog with a blunt steak 'n' bake.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Bazooka on November 02, 2017, 10:06:25 AM
Simon won the postcode lottery, £345, he was too excited to tell his wife so waited until the morning in bed to break the fantastic news. As he opens his jaws to deliver the life changing information, his wife is quicker at speaking and informs him that she is leaving him for his Father, he throws up onto his own chest.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: drummersaredeaf on November 02, 2017, 10:22:03 AM
The neighbours' unruly kid calls you a dirty fucking pervert as you leave your house the first day you go out wearing your ex's knickers. How could he know?
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: drummersaredeaf on November 02, 2017, 11:50:24 AM
You scuttle round for the spare key for your dad's house because you see him curled up in a ball on the living room floor through the window. After an hour, your sister turns up with it all flustered and you let yourself in. Dad is hog-tied while a raven-haired woman dolled up in leather with a mouth like a cat's arsehole spits at him and calls him a pathetic worm. She sees you, he doesn't. You leave quietly so he continues to get his money's worth.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Bazooka on November 02, 2017, 12:40:10 PM
Phillip Figgs lost his job at the sandwich factory 2 months ago for falling asleep on the work toilet 3 days in a row, yet was too ashamed to tell his wife. He still heads out the door every morning at 6, the money he got from pawning in his fathers war medals has finally run out and has spent his days sleeping in his car boot.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Foggy Buntwhistle on November 02, 2017, 12:57:55 PM
He starts sipping at the anti-freeze. Just a capful at first, then it soon gets out of hand. He likes the boot, safe in the boot, nice safe boot.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Glebe on November 02, 2017, 06:23:24 PM
"Watch this!"

He drops the shoe into the bath and it disintegrates before your very eyes.

"You're next!"
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Gregory Torso on November 02, 2017, 11:42:45 PM
A waterheaded bug boy insertes a plasticine ramrod into the nostril of his uncomprehending wormlike sibling.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Gregory Torso on November 02, 2017, 11:43:25 PM
A beloved portrait artist loses the ability to do noses.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Gregory Torso on November 02, 2017, 11:50:17 PM
An obese pug minces into town and shits itself in a bakery.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Gregory Torso on November 02, 2017, 11:53:17 PM
Your foster dad's fatty liver finally fails him halfway through a joke about two squirrels finding a dead child inside an oak tree.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Bazooka on November 02, 2017, 11:56:50 PM
A 90 year old woman has a midlife crisis, goes on a dairy binge. Her body is found the next day, face down in a tub of Philadelphia, half eaten cheese string clutched tight in her boney fist.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: spamwangler on November 03, 2017, 12:08:05 AM
An owl is drowned in a jug of wine for the benefit of a howling crowd of gap year sex tourists in a Shanghai gentlemens club.


Incredible
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: spamwangler on November 03, 2017, 12:12:03 AM
King canute hopes that this does not get misunderstood as him thinking he has superpowers somewhere down the line
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Mr Eggs on November 03, 2017, 12:20:42 AM
Debbie McGee puts it in again.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Gregory Torso on November 03, 2017, 12:55:56 AM
Debbie McGee puts it in again.

Wizbit watches.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Mr Eggs on November 03, 2017, 04:13:37 AM
Wizbit watches.

£5.99 In Dealz (Isle of Man branch only)
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Glebe on November 03, 2017, 04:17:46 AM
SuperTed watches (£1.49, exclusive to Poundland Cleethorpes).
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: spamwangler on November 03, 2017, 08:56:27 AM
a riot van up at an infamous kebab shop
they send in the riot dogs. 30% of them make it back

ed milliband starts a podcast
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Foggy Buntwhistle on November 03, 2017, 08:59:24 AM
ed milliband starts a podcast

You find yourself listening to it out of grim curiosity on your commute to the job you fucking hate. It's annoyingly mediocre and Ed is a surprisingly charming host. It makes you hate yourself for some reason.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Glebe on November 03, 2017, 10:00:20 AM
A fried egg sandwich goes cold while a broken herbert has an argument with the dustman.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Gregory Torso on November 03, 2017, 03:49:45 PM
A stump wizard is subjected to a piss bucket noyade.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Gregory Torso on November 03, 2017, 04:00:39 PM
At her great aunt's wake, a wasted art college dropout attempts to explain "yaoi" to her grieving nan.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Bazooka on November 03, 2017, 06:16:55 PM
A gifted maths prodigy chokes to death on a corned beef fritter whilst discovering a new number.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Replies From View on November 03, 2017, 06:29:04 PM
A never-visited corner of a warehouse is heaped with unsold 'Spotty Man from SuperTed' watches, which is all of them that were ever made.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Replies From View on November 03, 2017, 06:33:13 PM
In America, a version of SuperTed is made.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Further_Adventures_of_SuperTed
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: drummersaredeaf on November 03, 2017, 06:35:07 PM
A pair of middle managers from Solihull pay £20,000 to a consultancy to come up with a unique name for their newborn son.

The name is Garree.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Glebe on November 03, 2017, 07:01:24 PM
A raw cabbage chucks itself wildly into the Outer Hebrides.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: spamwangler on November 03, 2017, 08:28:41 PM
Stan looks over at his wife of 40 years - 'You are the rail replacement service of my heart'he thinks wistfully

A man called Leslie tries on a hat that he bought off the internet. 'Still a rapist though' a little voice in the back of his head says

An Oasis coverband has a long look at themselves in the mirror. all that time spent! all that voice coaching! all that plastic surgery!

A primary school in Blackwood has suicide nets fitted

A Cybergoth Ouroboros makes impulse responses of his own intestines, runs his techno sets through them. 2 partial listens on Bandcamp and a constant piezo-triggered irritable bowel syndrome

Some depressed sadists fail to cheer themselves up with a half-hearted human centipede

The Iceland in Coventry puts up some suicide nets

Eddie Stobart carefully prepares his pre-intercourse lasagna, throbbing with anticipation

A pipe is installed in a lottery winner's flat that delivers pre-cooked chicken and mushroom pot-noodle 24/7

Some suicide nets are erected around a Waitrose in Altrincham

A million pounds worth of ill-advised Brazilian plastic surgery comes undone in an instant, a wet, elastic snapping sound a prelude to a chorus of horrified screams and confused laughter by all the other Ghost Train Participants



Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Spoon of Ploff on November 03, 2017, 08:37:49 PM
"Roy Malantrope is a stinky stink who stinks and he also smells as well."  This message is repeated in each of the 25 letters retrieved from the Class 4B time capsule, buried back in 1968.
It's just as well Roy was beaten to death at age nine by his mad grandad... otherwise he might have found these words deeply hurtful.

Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Glebe on November 03, 2017, 10:44:40 PM
A French one experiences racial taunting when he approaches a jellied eel stall wearing an onion necklace.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: derek stitt on November 03, 2017, 10:45:59 PM
tomorrow is the first day of the rest of your life.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Glebe on November 03, 2017, 10:52:21 PM
12 gays are refused entry to a footballer's barbeque, as he fears his masculinity will weaken and he will be forced to join in a big pumping gang bang.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: ollyboro on November 03, 2017, 11:45:05 PM
tomorrow is the first day of the rest of your life.
You cunt
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: ollyboro on November 03, 2017, 11:51:56 PM
Recently employed, ambitious young graduate Zak Kenwright, is put in charge of the Christmas party at Biddingsworth Brewery. Everybody leaves sober and Zak forgets the crisps.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Twit 2 on November 04, 2017, 01:12:21 AM
A slug shits on the glossy cunt of a coked-up trollop as it trails across p.17 of a defunct wank rag.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: ollyboro on November 04, 2017, 02:03:10 AM
As the only patient left on the ward on Christmas day night, Joyce is left to contemplate the symbolism of the punctured balloons surrounding her, following her double mastectomy.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on November 04, 2017, 10:04:49 AM
A globule of redundance trickles idly down the wan visage of a palsied mail clerk.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Fishfinger on November 04, 2017, 11:20:03 AM
A slug shits on the glossy cunt of a coked-up trollop as it trails across p.17 of a defunct wank rag.

Giles plucks the slug from the dank page, and pops it into his special tub. "Nature's lube," he murmurs, plodding home from the allotment to the silent house where his infirm spouse awaits.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Gregory Torso on November 04, 2017, 12:04:51 PM
A Bag-For-Life ironically becomes the finally resting place for an entangled otter.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Gregory Torso on November 04, 2017, 12:39:45 PM
Ben's wife has three moles on her cheek in a straight line, just like an ellipsis. He likes to joke "that's why she doesn't say much!" then he does a little laugh.
He doesn't mention the scar on her throat. He doesn't like being nagged.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Gregory Torso on November 04, 2017, 12:54:08 PM
An octopus mistakenly fires its dick tentacle into a sea anenome
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Glebe on November 04, 2017, 01:18:46 PM
Gloopy Lou squelches his way home, glolloping and glumping!
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on November 05, 2017, 02:15:53 AM
A self-harm scar starts its first conversation with Paul, one of a series that will lead to him being sacked from his role in the sluices at an abbatoir and eventually to throwing his mutilated body and mind off the Humber Bridge.

Leaves a note for the wife and kids: Off now cheers bye
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on November 05, 2017, 02:20:14 AM
If you eat your guide dog's shit you will slowly come to see again.

This is what Graham has been told for the last 27 years.

Stopped believing it after the first 17 years but kept going as "quite into it now"
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Foggy Buntwhistle on November 05, 2017, 09:47:06 AM
Every single pair of his socks now has a hole in the big toe. The interminable annoyance of which sends him off the deep end. 13 people strangled with old socks in the local Aldi.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Glebe on November 05, 2017, 11:01:59 AM
Martin the owl collects old Tayto crisps packets on a trip to Limerick in county Ireland. He builds a nest and snuggles down, but the plastic crisp packetness is uncomfortable and he wishes he were back in Wigan in his own soft nest.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on November 05, 2017, 05:05:28 PM
A field screams in agony as it is ploughed.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Replies From View on November 05, 2017, 07:39:14 PM
Nick Frayworth works in a factory during the daylight hours “forming” ham.  He takes some ham, and he “forms” it.  That is what he does.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on November 05, 2017, 08:25:03 PM
Nick Frayworth is asked to change to a rotating shift pattern and complies meekly.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Spoon of Ploff on November 05, 2017, 08:46:15 PM
A field screams in agony as it is ploughed.

The farmer hears it. It's the only reason he didn't take that cushy job in the city.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Glebe on November 06, 2017, 12:47:51 AM
Kay Burley Instagrams a photo of a car parked on double yellow lines outside her house. 'Typical, isn't it? Come on traffic wardens, get y'tickets out!'
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Tlentifini Maarhaysu on November 06, 2017, 01:19:23 AM
A glitch with Google maps sees Kilburn eradicated and replaced with a crying emoji. It's months before anyone notices.

The sky above Cricklewood becomes sentient and decides to fuck off somewhere nicer.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Tlentifini Maarhaysu on November 06, 2017, 01:33:58 AM
Being up at 01:33 contributing to the desolation thread.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Mr Eggs on November 06, 2017, 02:03:12 AM
Being up at 01:33 contributing to the desolation thread.

I'm outside. I don't want to come in.

I just want you to know I'm there.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Mr Eggs on November 06, 2017, 02:04:59 AM
I've got some WW2 helmets that you might want to rub warm sump oil on.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Tlentifini Maarhaysu on November 06, 2017, 02:14:45 AM
Dolly Hook carries a picture of Norman Eshley in her purse and tells everyone she shows it to that "this is my dear late husband".
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Glebe on November 06, 2017, 10:11:19 PM
Henry the plover considers picking at a discarded Mars bar on a side road in Holmfirth.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on November 06, 2017, 10:23:22 PM
A bowl of oatmeal is left there, forever.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Vodka Margarine on November 06, 2017, 10:32:12 PM
Brick, towel, Mr. Whiskers. None of these things bounced.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Glebe on November 06, 2017, 10:33:46 PM
Gladys pint tastes off, and there's a general glumness in the lounge tonight.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on November 06, 2017, 10:45:27 PM
there's a general glumness in the lounge tonight.

oh lord

oh lord
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Glebe on November 06, 2017, 10:48:40 PM
A maudlin squid throws itself in the general vincinty of a woodchipper.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Gregory Torso on November 06, 2017, 10:51:51 PM
a man waits, and waits, and it never comes
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Tlentifini Maarhaysu on November 06, 2017, 11:06:43 PM
A failing restaurant in Swaffham tries to pass off mulligatawny soup with chunks of tired economy chicken floating in it as curry. Victor Lewis-Smith isn't so easily fooled...

EDIT Sixty pages of desolation.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Glebe on November 07, 2017, 02:34:06 AM
"How about a Scooby Snack, Scoob?"

"No thanks, mate, not bothered... to be honest I've become rather disinterested in life, listless, depressed, disenfranchised. Little things that used to pick me up do nothing for me now, and I feel unable to enjoy life's simple pleasures as I once did. But thanks for thinking of me, Shag, although I must admit I take little comfort from your kind offer, being too far gone by this stage. See you around pal, yeah?"

"Oh. Okay, then," replies Shaggy, a flicker of uncertainty and concern spreading across his face.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Glebe on November 08, 2017, 01:13:29 AM
You stay in alone on New Year's Eve, watching Keeping Up Appearances on VHS. "It's gone twelve, might have a small glass of beer... nah, I'll just finish me cold tea."
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Gregory Torso on November 08, 2017, 01:43:39 AM
The leader of a community centre childrens' outreach program calling themselves "Give Kids Heroes" orders 30 t-shirts for his staff and helpers from a website based in Guernsey which promises "next day delivery". He is dismayed when the package arrives to find 300 t-shirts that all read "GIVE KIDS HERPES".
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: the midnight watch baboon on November 08, 2017, 08:05:20 AM
Darrell rigs up a laughter track to peal through the flat every time those wet urges arise.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: BlodwynPig on November 08, 2017, 02:06:41 PM
The leader of a community centre childrens' outreach program calling themselves "Give Kids Heroes" orders 30 t-shirts for his staff and helpers from a website based in Guernsey which promises "next day delivery". He is dismayed when the package arrives to find 300 t-shirts that all read "GIVE KIDS HERPES".

Welcome to the League of Desolate. You've just earned your first star.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Foggy Buntwhistle on November 08, 2017, 06:56:52 PM
He always feels tired. He eats well, gets a decent amount of exercise and sleep. He still always feels tired and fatigued. Not sure why? Just life? But surely there's more to it than that. Nah. It's just tiring mate. He's 22.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Glebe on November 08, 2017, 07:05:15 PM
Mr. Cacks heads up to the sewage processing plant, to start another shift on this freezing-cold Monday night. Buttered crust for lunch, mmmm.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Glebe on November 08, 2017, 11:38:38 PM
A frightened gerbil hides behind an omnibus, while a vicious wombat continues it's reign of terror unabated.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Gregory Torso on November 09, 2017, 02:23:36 AM
Welcome to the League of Desolate. You've just earned your first star.

Heart SWELLS with pride. Left ventricle bursts.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Glebe on November 09, 2017, 02:37:43 AM
"S'funny, I normally like the smell of my own farts, but that one was just fucking rancid!"

"Just get on with the sales presentation, Mark," warns Mr. Figgins, opening a window.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on November 09, 2017, 03:24:07 PM
A sailor is alerted to his wife's road traffic accident midway through the coda of his favourite sea shanty.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Glebe on November 09, 2017, 03:51:51 PM
Norris doesn't like fish fingers. But that's all he eats.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: derek stitt on November 09, 2017, 04:55:46 PM
Teenagers look at the out of proportion arms of a t- rex and belm.

A sloane ranger goes into her first chip shop and asked for calamari.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: drummersaredeaf on November 09, 2017, 05:13:31 PM
June Sarpong names her child Gary. After Gary Barlow.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: FerriswheelBueller on November 09, 2017, 05:24:18 PM
A sailor is alerted to his wife's road traffic accident midway through the coda of his favourite sea shanty.

Fantastic
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Bazooka on November 09, 2017, 09:38:55 PM
A real thrifty git has survived by working on the tills at Asda, consuming all the discarded breads crumbs from the under the conveyor belt left behind from tiger bread batons and seeded baguettes.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on November 10, 2017, 06:30:44 AM
A receipt for a reduced pack of economy sausages becomes a kind of bat signal in a dullard's dream.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Spoon of Ploff on November 10, 2017, 06:39:00 AM
A real thrifty git has survived by working on the tills at Asda, consuming all the discarded breads crumbs from the under the conveyor belt left behind from tiger bread batons and seeded baguettes.


Don't give me ideas!
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: ollyboro on November 10, 2017, 09:10:46 AM
During the 'Parents and Toddlers Play Pool Splash', both Tim and Pedro realise that they've mistakenly taken Viagra instead of vitamin pills- and the 'R' has fallen off Pedro's monogrammed, sequined Speedos.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: JoeyBananaduck on November 10, 2017, 10:28:20 AM
People begin to get nostalgic for peeping toms and common or garden flashers.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: ollyboro on November 11, 2017, 09:00:24 AM
The twitching inside the nurses' trousers at the Dignitas clinic told Frank he was going to get more sex in death than he ever did alive.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Glebe on November 11, 2017, 09:14:05 PM
A cranky stoat grabs an old bottle it finds by the riverside and fucks it across the water at a rambler's feckin face.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Rocket Surgery on November 12, 2017, 01:46:48 AM
A precipitous drop in voter turnout threatens to stall an internet misery contest after only one round.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Glebe on November 12, 2017, 03:01:59 AM
The Krankies are caught rogering an inflatable crocodile in a Blackpool beach changing room.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Glebe on November 12, 2017, 10:05:17 AM
A grim Tuesday escalates into a fucking horrendous nightmare of diarrhoea, humiliation and sauerkraut.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Gregory Torso on November 12, 2017, 10:01:17 PM
A cold fart rolls out of the pubic hair of a recently deceased catalogue model
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Glebe on November 12, 2017, 10:55:09 PM
A Gremlins teddy from the '80s falls flat on it's face in the attic of it's hipster owner.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: ollyboro on November 12, 2017, 10:56:00 PM
There's no way of dressing this Desolation up.

I'm currently in a dying boozer listening to some scraggy haired mare murder "Everything I Fucking Do I Fucking Do It For You" on the karaoke.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: ollyboro on November 12, 2017, 11:03:12 PM
Fuck me, it's just took a significant step towards suicide.

A  stuttering Downs lad's giving "Champagne Supernova" his most heartfelt shot.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Glebe on November 12, 2017, 11:17:59 PM
A  stuttering Downs lad's giving "Champagne Supernova" his most heartfelt shot.

Cunt.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: FerriswheelBueller on November 13, 2017, 01:36:53 AM
There's no way of dressing this Desolation up.

I'm currently in a dying boozer listening to some scraggy haired mare murder "Everything I Fucking Do I Fucking Do It For You" on the karaoke.

This is Theresa May’s Britain.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Glebe on November 13, 2017, 03:05:15 AM
James Segments takes bronze in the Fuck-a-Vole-into-the-Air-and-See-Where-it-Lands event in Stowbridge.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: FerriswheelBueller on November 13, 2017, 03:13:25 AM
A racial epithet is used to sell cider in a small pub in Walkley.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Glebe on November 13, 2017, 05:06:40 AM
The bobble on your wooly hat bobs into the eye of a psychopath standing behind you on the train. He follows you when you get at yout stop and shoves the hat down your throat 'til your eyes pop out.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Gregory Torso on November 13, 2017, 06:33:34 AM
A woman journeys to The Stukeleys only to be bitterly disappointed that they are the names of two small Cambridgeshire villages, and not a family of detectives who might be able to find her abducted son.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Gregory Torso on November 13, 2017, 06:35:52 AM
A professional Peter Kaye impersonator is inexplicably hired to pretend to be Jason Manford for the grand opening of a Halfords in Warwick.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on November 13, 2017, 06:43:39 AM
The fairground ride King For A Day is doing well, queues around the block to experience the awe and majesty of being bald snooker journeyman Mark King for 24 golden hours.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Glebe on November 13, 2017, 07:26:33 AM
A Jimmy Carr fan meets Jimmy Carr in a pub, and Jimmy Carr starts doing his hooting laugh at him and calling him a "sad twat". Jimmy's mates join in, ruining the young man's life and making him realise there are no heroes. "Or maybe I should just pick my heroes more wisely," he eurekas.

DISCLAIMER: I have never met Jimmy Carr.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Fishfinger on November 13, 2017, 09:25:19 AM
As the sun sets on the second day of their Andean plane crash ordeal, a bearded headmaster places an awkward hand upon the shoulder of his shivering son. "It would be productive, David, to start thinking of poor mommy as a long, grey chicken."
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Glebe on November 13, 2017, 09:30:26 AM
A man hurries home with his porn mag, with free DVD on the cover, which he's planning to watch and wank too. But he's in such haste to toss off that he just wanks over the DVD cover in the hallway. Waves of disappointment, guilt and shame overcome him as he pants exhausted in the half-light.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on November 13, 2017, 07:58:53 PM
A revived ailment haver sticks a Merlin Premier League sticker slightly askew, ruining his otherwise immaculately completed album.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on November 13, 2017, 08:01:17 PM
A crescendo of malignance is imparted via a Big Mac box onto the corp of a newt.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Glebe on November 13, 2017, 10:18:45 PM
A malingering squirrel finally gives up the ghost, and stops hanging around outside a health food shop looking out for stray nuts and/or seeds.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: the midnight watch baboon on November 13, 2017, 10:46:21 PM
Sam applies the tin foil mask molded from a golf shop mannequin's eyeless face.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Glebe on November 14, 2017, 07:39:07 PM
Some rotten sweetcorn slowly runs down the wall in an asbestos factory canteen.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on November 14, 2017, 07:58:18 PM
A buy to let landlord farts in a pub then orders his agents to "evict the paki vermin from my property".

Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: BlodwynPig on November 14, 2017, 11:44:21 PM
A thousand yard stare is rudely interrupted by a fat man opening his arse cheeks
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Glebe on November 15, 2017, 01:39:22 AM
A kestrel hangs around in the back garden, drinking cans and generally behaving in a manner unbefitting of it's dignified reputation amongst the bird community.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Gregory Torso on November 15, 2017, 02:39:13 AM
A kestrel hangs around in the back garden, drinking cans and generally behaving in a manner unbefitting of it's dignified reputation amongst the bird community.

(http://i65.tinypic.com/5ukeie.jpg)
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Gregory Torso on November 15, 2017, 02:39:50 AM
The kestrel starts a thread in HS Art called "Super Strength Kestrel". After 2 days, it has one reply -

Generous Seagull:
"hilarious thread, mate!"
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Glebe on November 15, 2017, 03:57:25 AM
Ha! Good one, Greg!
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Glebe on November 15, 2017, 09:18:43 AM
You attempt go cheer yourself up on a freezing, lonely morn by popping into the local for a pint. "Morning, barman... sorry, don't your name, but may I have a light ale, please?" He shoves a pot of pale beer your way, as you attempt to make small talk with another bar patron. "Lovely day for it, eh?"

"Fuck off you ugly bastard."

"Huh, ah, no need for that language. Ugh, this pint taste's off... excuse me, barman? Barman? Could I have another pint, please? This one taste's bad."

"No refunds."

"No, I'm not looking for my money back, I'd just like a fresh pint... please!"

"You get what you pay for."

"Now look here, I... wait a minute, what year is this?"

"The 1970's," a grinning hateful informs you.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Foggy Buntwhistle on November 15, 2017, 12:30:17 PM
A worm accidentally falls through a wormhole and into a dimension made of nothing but sharp teethed chomping moles mouths.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Vodka Margarine on November 15, 2017, 01:10:31 PM
A doddery umpire hears the gentle thwack of human shit on doormat.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: poo on November 15, 2017, 01:58:20 PM
(https://pbs.twimg.com/profile_images/541559633773858816/5EwLrKgX.jpeg)
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on November 15, 2017, 02:00:26 PM
The Bregenz Jeb-end formats his hard disk filled with when he was a jeb end
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Fishfinger on November 15, 2017, 02:18:17 PM
Rod takes his stolen shotgun deep into the woods, and for six lonely hours tries to summon the nerve to point it at himself. The next three days he spends drunk in a hotel room, crying and retching. He sees his face on the news. But he just can't do it.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: drummersaredeaf on November 15, 2017, 03:13:10 PM
Greggs sorry for swapping Jesus for sausage roll in nativity scene.

Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Glebe on November 16, 2017, 08:39:57 AM
Keith keeps a selection of stoats in his back yard, and takes them out for walks when the weather's good. "Heh, they're my only friends, really! No one will talk to me since I exposed myself at the village fete some years ago now!"
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Fishfinger on November 16, 2017, 10:13:46 AM
There is mutual surprise when a team of geologists on a remote Pacific island stumble upon a wizened Japanese man clad in camo rags. They fall over themselves to inform him that the war's been over for more than 70 years. He sighs. "I know," he says softly. "Will you please just leave me alone?"
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Gregory Torso on November 16, 2017, 10:21:11 AM
A severely cummed-on issue of the Radio Times featuring Oz Clarke on the cover is sold for 10p at a car boot sale.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on November 16, 2017, 02:11:53 PM
A severely cummed-on issue of the Radio Times featuring Oz Clarke on the cover is sold for 10p at a car boot sale.

Takes a good price at sell-on via a Bitcoin vendor.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Spoon of Ploff on November 16, 2017, 07:28:12 PM
a nonplussed tourist finds the The Rape of Nanking display at Nuneaton's Museum of Desolation a bit too literal. Nice cakes in the Pogrom cafe though.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on November 17, 2017, 01:50:32 PM
A rent-a-quote MP achieves omniscience.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: the midnight watch baboon on November 17, 2017, 03:22:13 PM
Mother and baby are doing glue.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on November 17, 2017, 03:55:09 PM
A crab louse slides gleefully down a deployed kazoo
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Glebe on November 17, 2017, 05:31:44 PM
A corncrake kicks a piece of old veal up a drainpipe.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: dex on November 17, 2017, 06:20:37 PM
As the vice is cranked another turn, the badgers head is slowly crushed until the forces are so great that it starts to split open.

Malcolm is on the vinegar stroke and manages to throw a bolt into the badger's eye as the last gasp of life is spent.

Sunday, bloody Sunday!!
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Cuntbeaks on November 17, 2017, 07:41:53 PM
He's suffered from Restless Leg Syndrome for 23 years.

He bought a shiplap shed from b and q and soundproofed it as best he could.

This is where he decants to at night, to scream, writhe and weep.

His family wish he would die or fuck off, the soundproofing is shit.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: the midnight watch baboon on November 17, 2017, 08:39:43 PM
A pallbearer yells 'bazinga!' at pre funeral drinks.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Gregory Torso on November 17, 2017, 11:08:44 PM
A Werther's original begins its arduous voyage through a gerontophile's urethra.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: the midnight watch baboon on November 17, 2017, 11:25:53 PM
A bored pub chef deep fries the KP nuts girl's discarded tits.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Glebe on November 18, 2017, 01:37:22 AM
Gary from Stockport pops a single Monster Munch (pickled onion) through the letterbox of a former girlfriend.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Rocket Surgery on November 18, 2017, 03:48:01 AM
Gary from Stockport pops a single Monster Munch (pickled onion) through the letterbox of a former girlfriend.

The dog gets to it before she's able to drag what's left of herself over to the doormat.

Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Glebe on November 18, 2017, 04:33:54 AM
Some cling film clogs up a vole's larynx, briefly preventing him from singing to his heart's content.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Rocket Surgery on November 18, 2017, 05:15:54 AM
Some cling film clogs up a vole's larynx, briefly preventing him from singing to his heart's content.

Simon Cowell gives it a record deal anyway.

And then fucks its uncomprehending rodent skull into extinction, while Chris Packham writhes impotently against his razor-wire bondage (which he wouldn't have been able to pronounce even if his tongue and lips hadn't been razored off and fed to the otters)
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on November 18, 2017, 07:24:19 AM
Only smarties have the answer!

Let's see, C .....A....N...........C.......E........R
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Spoon of Ploff on November 18, 2017, 09:29:52 AM
at no time in prison does Rolf Harris face a wall of hardened nonces chanting "Joss Ackland's Spunky Backpack" at him
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Glebe on November 18, 2017, 10:37:53 AM
Craig from California steals Timothy Dalton's credit card and orders two hundred clogs off Amazon.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Foggy Buntwhistle on November 18, 2017, 04:04:47 PM
A berk twats his head off the corner of a velux window.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Fishfinger on November 18, 2017, 04:36:28 PM
After cleaning his remaining teeth at the end of another empty day, retiree Ivor gobs blood into his soap-bescummed sink. Gnawing at his innards is the feeling that he'll soon be doing everything for the last time. He won't though. 30 more years of this shit.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Mr Brightside on November 18, 2017, 07:17:32 PM
A computer illiterate nonce has a disappointing wank to the kids' swimwear pages in the Littlewoods catalogue.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: ollyboro on November 18, 2017, 07:22:00 PM
Eight year old Chloe stumbles upon her Father's home video collection, then understands why he owns a tube, and why her hamster, Mr Snuffles, constantly has shit clagged to his fur.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Glebe on November 19, 2017, 01:43:37 AM
A 59 year-old crystal meth addict celebrates Thanksgiving alone in a freezing alley in Berlin.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: FerriswheelBueller on November 19, 2017, 02:04:15 AM
A recent divorcee sits on a wasp.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: buttgammon on November 19, 2017, 08:28:51 AM
Sad Dave decides to decorate his bedsit for the festive season, as the kids are coming round next weekend. He stands back and admires the photo of a Christmas tree that is blu-tacked to the wall.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: the midnight watch baboon on November 19, 2017, 11:32:08 AM
"I'm not flushing that one", dad says to the mum, his face all like a mannequin's.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Glebe on November 19, 2017, 12:39:48 PM
A Frank Spencer impersonator wets himself in Toys R Us.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on November 19, 2017, 03:29:08 PM
A Batley EDL treasurer reaches sexual excelsis during a kareoke rendition of Die Another Day.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Cuntbeaks on November 19, 2017, 05:04:30 PM
An animal rights activist suffers a profound nervous breakdown after touring a Liberian Bushmeat Market.

Melinda Messenger is booked in for a double mastectomy.

Mark E Smith buys a tin of Happy Shopper Irish Stew for tea. Eats it cold from the can with a butter knife.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Twit 2 on November 19, 2017, 05:09:49 PM
A man sabotages his happiness, alienates, digs deeper.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on November 19, 2017, 07:23:23 PM
21 of the 41 entrants to the Ipswich Farting Championship heavily follow through in front of an audience of two.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: ollyboro on November 19, 2017, 08:15:47 PM
Shortly after fleshing out his threadbare toupee with hair scavenged from the shower plugholes at his local municipal swimming baths, George is gutted when his doctor diagnoses his itchy scalp as pubic lice.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: BlodwynPig on November 20, 2017, 12:54:24 AM
Ugh, real life one

"Being locked in the deep freezer was the least of Terri's problems" from shlock and hideous murder documentary "Mommy dearest". Why the fuck the film makers keep showing the decomposing body over and over again whilst I'm eating. Fuck off.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: derek stitt on November 20, 2017, 01:12:51 AM
A woman with a black hole for a gob patiently waits through the power cut of her grandsons christening.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Glebe on November 20, 2017, 01:18:52 AM
Uncle Segments smiles greasily as he enjoys another basement session with the Betamax player. His old video compilations of cormorant's ankles give him such deep, sensual pleasure.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Foggy Buntwhistle on November 20, 2017, 05:58:05 AM
They jump together. Clutching each other tightly as they fall through the air. Spinning. Into the river.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: spamwangler on November 20, 2017, 06:01:28 AM
A Werther's original begins its arduous voyage through a gerontophile's urethra.


Laughing out loud on the bus


LOLOTB
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Foggy Buntwhistle on November 20, 2017, 06:08:43 AM
A tired man "LOLOTB" before dawn as he makes his way toward his daily toil. It makes the other two passengers uncomfortable.


An old foghorn loses it's confidence and can only produce a mild peep.


Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Rocket Surgery on November 20, 2017, 09:21:29 AM
GIBBO
PLANeY
COWELL
GOLDFISH
LANCASHIRE

is the felt-tipped graffito observed by a shambling mendicant on the wall of a boarded-up Cash Converters as he forces himself up the hill to a terrifying travellers' pitstop for his Monday morning hair of the dog.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on November 20, 2017, 11:58:49 PM
A stalker rubs her clit in the scratch her victim made on her expensive graphics calculator during Maths in 1998.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: spamwangler on November 21, 2017, 12:30:40 AM
A santa's 'grotto' turns out, much too late, to be more of an asphyxi-wank pantry
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: derek stitt on November 21, 2017, 06:41:03 AM
A row with the pixies sees a man cursed with vertically aligned nostrils, eyes and teats. The horizontal gap between this trinity of the essential and non essential would change daily, dependent on the gravitational pull of the moon and the whims of children. A mathematician studies the patterns of this phenomena and develops a locking mechanism that prevents people from enjoying the sunset and going to the toilet.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Spoon of Ploff on November 21, 2017, 12:28:34 PM
Gram Walled spends the final five years of his life thinking about what he would do with the final 20 years of his life.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Glebe on November 21, 2017, 02:38:50 PM
A gremlin gets lodged in a the Tipping Point thing for the duration.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: drummersaredeaf on November 21, 2017, 02:40:45 PM
A greasy long-haired cockney pub landlord phones his ex to ask if she wants her Marillion poster back.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: poo on November 21, 2017, 02:52:02 PM
During his 20-minute lunch break, a call centre worker launches a series of withering Twitter attacks on Richard Herring.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: drummersaredeaf on November 21, 2017, 04:53:13 PM
A fleshlight lubricated with reduced fat spread grows mould at the bottom of a canvas wardrobe.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Glebe on November 21, 2017, 05:36:07 PM
A small goose flips a fig over a fence with it's... what's that 'nose' thing a geese have? Oh yeah, a beak. A beak.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on November 21, 2017, 07:27:57 PM
An Ayrton Senna superfan destroys a cassette tape dedicated to Nigel Mansell.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Vodka Margarine on November 21, 2017, 09:08:16 PM
Even his replacement Lego dad looks at him like he's a piece of trash.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: ollyboro on November 21, 2017, 09:56:25 PM
Dennis, a recent double leg amputee, realises the feet on his newly fitted prosphetics are facing the wrong way.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Glebe on November 22, 2017, 09:44:59 AM
Roland Rat sits watching porn on his own in his underpants in his Luton flat on a Monday morning, with a six pack of Tesco beer and 20 JPB thinking, "Where did it all go wrong?"
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Fishfinger on November 22, 2017, 11:43:26 AM
Dennis, a recent double leg amputee, realises the feet on his newly fitted prosphetics are facing the wrong way.

He lost his legs to land mines, in two separate incidents.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: JoeyBananaduck on November 23, 2017, 12:25:55 AM
Roland Rat sits watching porn on his own in his underpants in his Luton flat on a Monday morning, with a six pack of Tesco beer and 20 JPB thinking, "Where did it all go wrong?"

He lost his legs to land mines, in two separate incidents.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: FerriswheelBueller on November 23, 2017, 03:10:34 AM
He lost his legs to land mines, in two separate incidents.

One in Hull, one in Zeebrugge
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Glebe on November 23, 2017, 09:00:35 AM
An apoplectic duck rolls a Wagon Wheel into the gutter, depriving it's owner of a lovely afternoon snack. "Duck a l'orange" indeed!
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: ollyboro on November 23, 2017, 09:50:11 AM
He lost his legs to land mines, in two separate incidents.
The second incident occurred whilst hopping about a Zeebrugge minefield hoping to prove that lightening couldn't strike twice.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on November 23, 2017, 02:18:26 PM
One in Hull, one in Zeebrugge

Laughed.

A bathrobe caked in discharge is used to scoop up an unwanted birth. The verdict is found at the bottom of a sluice gate near a particularly aged reservoir.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: BlodwynPig on November 23, 2017, 05:33:40 PM
A banquet of such tasty fare, for me!?

No.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on November 23, 2017, 06:13:22 PM
In the middle of Dad-singing  "Goin' Loco down in Acapulco" a man is hand delivered a court summons for non-compliance with a sealed consent order pursuant to his divorce.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Vodka Margarine on November 23, 2017, 10:16:16 PM
Some enchanted evening. Some unwanted semen.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Gregory Torso on November 23, 2017, 10:21:52 PM
In the middle of Dad-singing  "Goin' Loco down in Acapulco" a man is hand delivered a court summons for non-compliance with a sealed consent order pursuant to his divorce.

Goin Loco Down In Acapulco becomes stuck on a loop inside a sleep-deprived man's brain for the entirety of his horrible hour-long commute. By the time he reaches the office, he has almost completely remembered the film "Buster".
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: derek stitt on November 24, 2017, 05:45:41 AM
an atheist develops stigmatism and uses the hole for wanking, he ejaculates a crucifix the thinks of Robert Elms


Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Bazooka on November 24, 2017, 08:56:04 AM
An award winning cheese maker's wife develops lactose intolerance. He slowly kills her by putting small amounts of mozzarella in everything she eats.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on November 24, 2017, 02:11:21 PM
The phrase "Local monglord belms his spasticity down the high street" is used as a caption for a picture in a local news article.

Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: BlodwynPig on November 24, 2017, 06:10:10 PM
Best in show "Marrow category" winner at 5pm.

Dead by 6.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Gregory Torso on November 25, 2017, 08:53:24 AM
Bob's shower has been broken for 3 days and rather than call someone to come and fix it, he fills up a big plastic bowl from the sink and sits in it like some kind of mug cunt. "Maybe I'll shiver meself to death" he thinks, hopefully.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Spoon of Ploff on November 25, 2017, 10:06:06 AM
'That kid dressed as a skeleton has been laying in the ditch by Broker's Pond for two weeks now' thinks a concerned Mable, before reaching for her phone to call the local paper and complain about  today's lazy youth.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Glebe on November 25, 2017, 10:10:08 AM
Porgs are taken off the endangered species list, even though there's only about 20 of them left. It's a very deliberate move.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Epic Bisto on November 25, 2017, 11:34:16 AM
Noel Edmonds is nearing completion of his current masturbation cycle, which is currently achieved by pumping his little fist whilst watching Faces Of Death. As he approaches orgasm, he starts shouting "MICHAEL LUSH! MICHAEL LUSH!" during vinegar strokes. Due to a heady cocktail of prescribed and non-prescribed medication, the resultant ejaculate comes out in a weak dark pink dribble. It has been a good session.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Epic Bisto on November 25, 2017, 11:38:02 AM
Taylor Parkes settles down to watch a Paddy McGuinness vehicle. He laughs heartily throughout. Halfway through, he sees his happy reflection, and despite feelings of self-consciousness, he bravely continues to unleash his true feelings, all the while repeating Paddy's witty one-liners to himself in between guffaws.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Cuntbeaks on November 25, 2017, 12:32:44 PM
A recently divorced carvery chef over salts his lunchtime saveloy and chips. The resulting discomfort causes him to produce a substandard batch of Yorkshire Puddings.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on November 25, 2017, 07:41:20 PM
Bamm from Flintstones has his heart broken for the first time.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: BlodwynPig on November 25, 2017, 08:19:35 PM
"I am David Presto and I reject death, I reject misery, I reject despair... and I embrace LIFE!" David Presto announces to no-one in particular before striding with renewed confidence into Homebase to buy some paint thinner and Christmas baubles.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on November 26, 2017, 04:58:23 AM
A truly terrible, terrible musician invests £3,250 to marginally reduce the latency on his MIDI equipment.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Glebe on November 26, 2017, 10:35:55 AM
Donny Osmond doesn't shave for a month.

(https://i.imgur.com/aHmVPPp.gif)
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: the midnight watch baboon on November 26, 2017, 11:46:17 PM
A just-drowned postman is posthumously charged with making and distributing poorly drawn pornography.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Glebe on November 27, 2017, 06:12:26 PM
A baboon angrily deletes it's Facebook account when it doesn't get any likes for it's new profile pic.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Foggy Buntwhistle on November 27, 2017, 06:13:48 PM
Mark eats his phone. All of it.

Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Spoon of Ploff on November 27, 2017, 09:04:42 PM
Mark eats his phone. All of it.

What make?
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Spoon of Ploff on November 27, 2017, 09:09:10 PM
During a routine trip to the barbers Steve manages to again bluff his way through a conversation about Watford FC's back four.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Foggy Buntwhistle on November 27, 2017, 09:59:36 PM
What make?

Old Samsung with a cracked screen.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: poo on November 27, 2017, 10:11:22 PM
An unemployed man's wank is interrupted by a Yodel delivery.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Gregory Torso on November 27, 2017, 10:47:39 PM
A problem child gets its face-cage caught on a pub jukebox while its uncle goes tits wild over a renovated Brookside-themed fruity.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Gregory Torso on November 27, 2017, 10:54:55 PM
A Stereophonics CD skips like an arrhythmic heart as Matt, driving back from an amateur darts tournament, attempts to "hit a ton" along a notoriously uneven stretch of road in rural Lincolnshire.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: ollyboro on November 27, 2017, 11:03:50 PM
For the fiftieth time today, an impatient and perfectionist speech therapist attempts to get her class of stutterers to recite '10 Green Bottles', before smashing her head violently against a desk and shouting "What the fuck is a g g g g green bottle, you cunts?!?"
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on November 27, 2017, 11:36:45 PM
The last faded happy memories of a lost love slip so far out of grasp or vague recollection there is no succour left, no dignity in recollection.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: FerriswheelBueller on November 28, 2017, 01:15:43 AM
During a routine trip to the barbers Steve manages to again bluff his way through a conversation about Watford FC's back four.

An offhand comment by Lawro on Match of the Day the following week informs him that Watford have been playing a back 3 since Mariappa returned from injury a month previously and everyone in the place knew it.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: FerriswheelBueller on November 28, 2017, 01:17:38 AM
As the months pass he starts to forget her smile, her laugh, the way she smelled.

Still, he’s the only one who knows where she’s buried so he can remind himself at any time.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: BlodwynPig on November 28, 2017, 01:54:37 AM
Jim goes on a diet of porridge and is never seen or heard from again.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Glebe on November 28, 2017, 08:29:02 AM
Keith from down Sussex way buys a tin of Ronseal that has been filled with syrup for a laugh.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: JoeyBananaduck on November 28, 2017, 09:58:37 AM
If he'd turned the thermostat up by 5 degrees he probably would have lived, but you know, pensions...
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on November 28, 2017, 10:15:07 AM
A lifeguard watches his sixty pence go to shit as the packet of wheat crunchies snags on the coil mechanism.

Lets a child drown to restore balance
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on November 28, 2017, 10:16:36 AM
Gets sacked - balance

Molests someone - balance

Goes to prison - balance

Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Gregory Torso on November 28, 2017, 11:05:30 AM
Gav fucks up his French Toast. First his marriage, then his suicide, and now his breakfast. Isn't there anything he can do right?
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: derek stitt on November 28, 2017, 02:04:26 PM
A 63 year old virgin shouts, “ Cupid is a flid” as he ejaculates into the void of another angry wank
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Glebe on November 28, 2017, 03:02:15 PM
Mark from Rendelsham fucks his last KFC drumstick into the garden in a fit of pique.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Foggy Buntwhistle on November 28, 2017, 04:33:02 PM
A Sami Shaman drinks 5 large bowls of reindeer piss in order to enter a trance state. They hadn't eaten any amanita mushrooms, he just drank a load of reindeer piss. 
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Foggy Buntwhistle on November 28, 2017, 04:39:21 PM
Dean requests a Tibetan sky burial in his will. It takes the pigeons and crows of Staines a month to peck and gulp away his fetid corpse. A loopy goose slurps up the last.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Cuntbeaks on November 28, 2017, 11:35:21 PM
A man who allowed his love for The Rocky Horror Picture Show to dominate his life, gets the 'you've probably got cancer call' while playing a £5 Jackpot fruit machine in Bognor Regis.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Glebe on November 29, 2017, 04:35:23 AM
Ken from Stockport bets the last of the childs allowance on Green Envy, who comes in last and shits all over the jockey.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: ollyboro on November 29, 2017, 09:16:56 AM
Using a previously undiscovered talent for deductive reasoning, Gerald realises that if his DVD case for 'Hotshot Shaven Shit Lovers' contains a Cliff Richard DVD, then the DVD case for '10 Of Cliff's Festive Favourites', which he'd just lent to Marjorie's mum, must contain a different DVD.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on November 29, 2017, 02:01:12 PM
A Shaolin monk with a capacity to break through breezeblocks with the power of his mind is called a knob by a boy from Hunslet.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Glebe on November 29, 2017, 02:52:58 PM
Derek of Bexleyheath attempts to shoplift using a supermarket coolant bag.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Glebe on November 30, 2017, 06:09:45 AM
Roger from Braemer 'enjoys' a stale egg roll while out shopping for a nail clippers.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Norton Canes on November 30, 2017, 12:37:06 PM
Three seagulls fighting over a splattering of late night vomit outside a bridal shop
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on November 30, 2017, 01:51:11 PM
A tar magnate is informed of a clot
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: BlodwynPig on November 30, 2017, 03:25:32 PM
"That's not quince jam!!!" rages Tubs.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Foggy Buntwhistle on November 30, 2017, 06:58:07 PM
"Cheese & Biscuits. Cheese & Biscuits. CHEEEEESSSEEE AAAAANNNND BIIISSSCUITTTSSS.

QUINCE QUINCE. Cheese & Biscuits. Cheese & Biscuits. C'S AAAANNNDDD B'S BICCIES BICCIESSS. Cheese & Biscuits. Cheese & Biscuits. QUUUIIIINNNCCEEEEE. QUUINCEE. Cheese & Biscuits. Cheese & Biscuits."

The nurse injects him with a heavy duty tranquilizer.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on December 01, 2017, 04:20:58 AM
I laughed
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on December 01, 2017, 04:22:38 AM
A bearavement regailer beats her record of informing 14 family members of their loved ones death in one meeting. 15 this time. Tomorrow she thinks, tomorrow those Sikhs are coming.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Glebe on December 01, 2017, 04:40:57 AM
Lisa Stansfield shoves a Mini Babybel into a slot machine in Canvey Island.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on December 01, 2017, 05:04:56 AM
It was a normal sized vole.

It was a normal sized spade.

It was a cloudy day.

It was the anniversary of her divorce.

Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Glebe on December 01, 2017, 10:15:50 AM
Aubrey spits pips into the fireplace. First time he's ever shoplifted, and from his local Tesco and all. "The grapes of wrath," he chuckles bitterly, as he pictures her wrapped in Nigel's arms.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Fishfinger on December 01, 2017, 12:21:23 PM
On his way home from failing his driving test, Timothy, 18, shy and in love, is crushed by a horse.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Fishfinger on December 01, 2017, 12:48:37 PM
First day of retirement and Steve fucks his back forever, attempting to lift a jet-ski.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Fishfinger on December 01, 2017, 12:53:47 PM
Mary, 12, smells whisky on the breath of the anaesthetist. Never wakes.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Berthas Fat Leg on December 01, 2017, 01:51:09 PM
A micro-penis saddens a Waifu.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Glebe on December 01, 2017, 05:22:37 PM
A Barbie doll realises it's insignificance in the whole scheme of things.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Glebe on December 01, 2017, 09:56:22 PM
"I've just come back from New York - what are you doing with y'life?!" Jeremy Clarkson shouts at a tramp in Rhyl.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Foggy Buntwhistle on December 02, 2017, 07:39:20 AM
A rotten nan breaks a bit of ice from a puddle and gives it to her grandson as an "icelolly".
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Glebe on December 02, 2017, 10:43:47 AM
Felix Parts of west Suffolk breaks his son's Kinder Egg toy and blames his infant daughter on it. "Sorry son, I knew we shouldn't of had her!"
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: ollyboro on December 02, 2017, 04:13:41 PM
Reginald is appalled by his Siamese twin's announcement that he fancies going to a gay bar to get fisted.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Sebastian Cobb on December 02, 2017, 06:28:35 PM
After getting a first in media studies and a year on a fixed term contract at a prestigious media company the only transferrable skill Amy got was making coffee for arseholes; Costa will take her on.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Glebe on December 02, 2017, 10:02:50 PM
Michael of Stourbridge gets stuck working in a steelworks for life, getting bullied by his ex-SAS co-workers because he is small and sensitive and likes Doctor Who.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: BlodwynPig on December 03, 2017, 12:51:46 AM
A wide boulevard, deserted pavements, steel and glass monoliths, palm trees.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fy6KI18_0ZA (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fy6KI18_0ZA)

Geoff awakens into a world without humans.

Sadness soon washes away, replaced by illicit ecstasy - king of the world, do.whatever.I.want.

Still, dead in the gutter the very next day.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on December 03, 2017, 06:27:06 AM
A rotten nan breaks a bit of ice from a puddle and gives it to her grandson as an "icelolly".

An ice cream man breaks a bit of rotten naan from a flytipping site and gives it to his daughter as "day ration".

It's garlic and coriander he says.

It isn't even.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: spamwangler on December 03, 2017, 07:03:08 AM
a frozen pigeon is briefly promoted to  non-consensual improvised dildo round the back of a bolton nightclub, known by locals as the 'Slag Labyrinth'
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: dex on December 03, 2017, 08:59:32 AM
After getting a first in media studies and a year on a fixed term contract at a prestigious media company the only transferrable skill Amy got was making coffee for arseholes; Costa will take her on.

Costa, the dark horse assistant manager working for the firm that is his namesake. Down trodden, depraved, cunt. He already has a few one liners up his sleeve for his defense should he ever end up in the dock for what he plans to do with airheaded Amy. "You people call it non consensual and creepy? I call you cultural Philistines! Pah!"
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Glebe on December 03, 2017, 09:58:02 AM
Dean from Hartlepool breaks up the mandarin peel into exactly one hundred pieces. Best Saturday night in years.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Gregory Torso on December 03, 2017, 09:58:53 AM
a frozen pigeon is briefly promoted to  non-consensual improvised dildo round the back of a bolton nightclub, known by locals as the 'Slag Labyrinth'

A dil-dove
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: the midnight watch baboon on December 03, 2017, 10:00:22 AM
a lost cloud runs out of puff and falls from the sky, onto a massive Homebase
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on December 03, 2017, 10:52:01 AM
A shipping container filled with sick from children's parties capsizes on some reclaimed land.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on December 03, 2017, 10:58:10 AM
A member of the Territorial Army takes out a toad with a rubber bullet.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Gregory Torso on December 03, 2017, 05:42:28 PM
Paul's recent Bing searches:
- how to delet hard drive COMPLETELY
- is prison like porrige
- what happens to nonses in prison
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: JoeyBananaduck on December 03, 2017, 05:44:55 PM
Graham, an obese bald 48 year old failed sci-fi/fantasy writer from Salford reasons that, following his latest rejection letter it's time to accept the fact that he will never be known by the world at large as The Man Behind 'Kingdoms of Zentar'.

The time has come.

Time for plan B.

Time to become known as The Man Who Wanked His Arse With a Leek During An Outside Broadcast of Blue Peter.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Glebe on December 03, 2017, 05:53:33 PM
Gerald is waiting for the frozen leeks to thaw. Then shall he enjoy the greatest solo feast the world has ever known.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: the midnight watch baboon on December 03, 2017, 10:30:03 PM
A troubled schoolgirl absent-mindedly folds a slice of turkey ham into a working replica of her wronged vagina.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Nice Relaxing Poo on December 03, 2017, 10:38:56 PM
An obsessed fan smothers his overbearing mother with a bin bag full of Katie Hopkins' used knickers.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on December 04, 2017, 05:20:16 PM
Stained!

Stained, repeats Herman. Unforgivable. He will punish his wife later, but how? That's going to take a ten pack and an afternoon on the porch.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: poo on December 04, 2017, 05:26:49 PM
Mum, where's Dad, he normally picks me up from Scouts?

Dad's a bit sad again love.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: BlodwynPig on December 04, 2017, 06:11:11 PM
Mum, where's Dad, he normally picks me up from Scouts?

Dad's a bit sad again love. Leeks.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Glebe on December 04, 2017, 06:43:59 PM
Oh look! On the news! There's millions of people out there in world! Existential crisis!
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: madhair60 on December 04, 2017, 07:35:14 PM
The haematologist looks briefly out of the window, watching the first flakes of snow drift across the multi-storey hospital car park. He allows himself a smile, then turns back to Mr Hugo. He adjusts his glasses and clears his throat.

"It's beginning to look a lot like sepsis."
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Glebe on December 04, 2017, 07:55:22 PM
"I'm afraid that your application for the dole has been rejected. Now take your broken legs out of here and go back to the bedsit that you'll undoubtedly be kicked out of shortly. And Happy Christmas!"
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Glebe on December 05, 2017, 12:54:33 PM
A sad Geoff consumes a stale pastie on a Blackpool pier.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: the midnight watch baboon on December 05, 2017, 02:52:18 PM
Geoff is consumed by Black Paul, his dark passenger, on Southend pier.

Then, posthumously, Geoff is charged with possession of a racist alter ego.

By a bobby eating a pastie.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on December 05, 2017, 03:10:48 PM
A yeast cultivation for beer is fostered in a mans perma-gape rectum.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Foggy Buntwhistle on December 05, 2017, 07:48:03 PM
http://metro.co.uk/2017/12/04/police-back-trouserless-sunderland-fans-claim-he-did-not-defecate-at-his-seat-7130499/
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: FerriswheelBueller on December 05, 2017, 09:01:54 PM
A freak combination tornado-thunderstorm strikes a pig farm and knife sharpening business.

The resultant whizzing of blades and lightning-heat, combined with the windy distribution means a local town is showered in bacon for almost twenty minutes. All rashers are either burned or uncooked, and the drains are blocked for nearly 3 weeks before the council do anything about it.

The pig farm declares bankruptcy.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Glebe on December 05, 2017, 11:21:47 PM
A freak combination tornado-thunderstorm strikes a pig farm and knife sharpening business.

The resultant whizzing of blades and lightning-heat, combined with the windy distribution means a local town is showered in bacon for almost twenty minutes. All rashers are either burned or uncooked, and the drains are blocked for nearly 3 weeks before the council do anything about it.

The pig farm declares bankruptcy.

Karma.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: FerriswheelBueller on December 06, 2017, 02:37:24 AM
Karma.

Farmer Hoggis ends his life after the declaration of the bankruptcy court with a vial of fentanyl declaring “this will not do, pigs!”

A nation mourns.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Glebe on December 06, 2017, 09:38:47 AM
You take a week off work to read War and Peace. In order to create an 'atmosphere' you read it out in the garden, naked, in the freezing cold.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Glebe on December 06, 2017, 10:24:34 PM
Frederick Snots of Devon spends the afternoon trimming his moustache. "Best afternoon ever," he decides, before undoing his zip, gripping the shaft and allowing the tears to flow.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Gregory Torso on December 07, 2017, 06:04:54 AM
A mushroom soup and egg white filled birthday cake lets itself go at a diabetic child's birthday conference.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Gregory Torso on December 07, 2017, 06:10:56 AM
Charles Condolences, blind since birth, finally receives his sight-hound from the Guide Dogs Association. Unfortunately, instead of the Labrador he requested, he has been sent something called a "Rape Wolf".
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Foggy Buntwhistle on December 07, 2017, 12:01:05 PM
A powerful Egyptian Pharaoh gets his army of slaves to build him a pyramid for wanking purposes. Dies before it's completed.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on December 07, 2017, 01:00:13 PM
An impotent PE teacher pays a member of the rentier class to pour a jar of pickled gherkins into his gaping rectum in one last vain hope of achieving an erection after the exhaustion of all other options. It doesn't work.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Glebe on December 07, 2017, 04:55:00 PM
A gone-off satsuma sits at the bottom of Greg's rucksack. It's his first night shift at the asylum, and he's forgotten his mustard sandwiches.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: dex on December 07, 2017, 05:22:07 PM
http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-5155517/Brothers-win-500-payout-portable-toilets-fall-over.html (http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-5155517/Brothers-win-500-payout-portable-toilets-fall-over.html)

Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Glebe on December 07, 2017, 05:29:00 PM
Richard Branson buys up all of Britain's oxygen, and sells it back to the public with his big smiling face.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Glebe on December 07, 2017, 10:35:58 PM
A garlic supper for one concludes with an emotional meltdown.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: BlodwynPig on December 08, 2017, 12:02:52 AM
Charles Condolences, blind since birth, finally receives his sight-hound from the Guide Dogs Association. Unfortunately, instead of the Labrador he requested, he has been sent something called a "Rape Wolf".

Ah, you've restored my faith in the desolate. Utter brilliance.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Gregory Torso on December 08, 2017, 05:34:07 AM
Cheers, Blodwyn. I do my best.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on December 08, 2017, 07:59:09 AM
An operations manager plays a clip from Any Given Sunday to motivate his poverty wage Sales 'Executives' to cold call people and sell mechanical breakdown insurance.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: FerriswheelBueller on December 08, 2017, 03:49:03 PM
A fistfight breaks out in the car park outside Stars In Their Eyes. An implausible Freddie Mercury is hospitalized; his teeth are fucked but not in a way resembling the late, great Zoroastrian and work dries up soon after.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Spoon of Ploff on December 08, 2017, 07:41:56 PM
Despite paying close attention a London CABer fails to find one promotional poster for Niall Horan's upcoming album FLICKER  in a suitably vandalised state.  All it takes is one tiny horizontal white line people come on!!!!
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Steven on December 08, 2017, 08:20:15 PM
A sprightly little beetle somehow survives the early onset of winter by crawling into the cracks between the brickwork of a large edifice, penetrating the gloom it emerges into a huge black expanse, the ambient heat keeps it alive and it manages to survive on a bounty of crumbs and sticky soft-drink stains in what appears to be some kind of heavenly hinterland, after a time while still in a frenzy of deep satisfaction that it surely has escaped certain death there comes a sudden quaking sound emanating somewhere deep within the mystical structure, in panic it spots a small radiating light and crawls towards it to safety under the crack in a door, there is suddenly a strange serenity to be found there.

Just as it feels comfortable the door jarringly swings open, it turns with its mandibles tensed in all the shock of a Dramatic Gopher and is greeted by the inexorable tread of a YMC Wingtip Trainer and crushed to a pulp as Liam Gallagher strides over to the mirror of his dressing room, cocks his shades down and takes one look. "The fookin' bollocks," he sneers as he strieds back out to go onstage for his 30th October show at Belfast SSE Arena, leaning into the crowd at one point during Bring It On Down to shake hands with the fans as an excuse to use the end of the stage to scrape 'something' off the sole of his shoe.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Glebe on December 08, 2017, 10:28:52 PM
Marvellous, Steven, Karma.

'Figs' Murphy throws his fag to one side and pulls the lapels of his jacket up against the cold. He's been waiting half an hour for Jimmy Scullions to arrive with the block of cannabis, and is pretending he is in a film like The Departed or something. But he's just a two-bit scumbag freezing his balls off in a Limerick alleyway.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: BlodwynPig on December 09, 2017, 12:03:50 AM
An overweight, failed actor finds a letter saying he has won a leading role in the new ITV series "London's Burning", down the back of the sofa, in 2017.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Spoon of Ploff on December 09, 2017, 08:50:21 AM
An overweight, failed actor finds a letter saying he has won a leading role in the new ITV series "London's Burning", down the back of the sofa, in 2017.

Ah well .. he thinks .. back to my minimum wage shop centre Santa gig.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Spoon of Ploff on December 09, 2017, 09:40:38 AM
Its Christmas Eve. A Bob Hoskins lookalike heads out to his local corner shop in search of a can opener.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Spoon of Ploff on December 09, 2017, 11:07:51 AM
merry christmas everyone

(https://i.imgur.com/PI8ie3b.jpg)
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: BlodwynPig on December 09, 2017, 11:11:14 AM
ph'nglui mglw'nafh Christmas R'lyeh wgah'nagl fhtagn

(https://i.imgur.com/PI8ie3b.jpg)
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: FerriswheelBueller on December 09, 2017, 02:05:13 PM
Raw meat (served cold).
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: dex on December 09, 2017, 03:20:09 PM
Raw meat (served cold).

A steaming plate of raw mince.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Glebe on December 09, 2017, 03:21:55 PM
One day in Hilversum, Beren van Hoogstraten looks out his window and spies a small jackdaw that shits in his eye.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Namtab on December 10, 2017, 04:01:13 AM
A dejected thirty-something desperately scrambles to find his favourite film, Taken 2, amidst his twelve DVDs. All he can find is an extras disc of Liam Neeson press junkets and TV promos, which he settles for.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Spoon of Ploff on December 10, 2017, 07:40:40 AM
as the temperature plummets volunteers on the biggest Sleep Out of the year are forced to hunt down and burn a homeless person.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Gregory Torso on December 10, 2017, 08:00:48 AM
A day-drunk turdish loaf of a man digs a fag butt out of a snowman's eye socket.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Spoon of Ploff on December 10, 2017, 08:03:45 AM
A day-drunk turdish loaf of a man digs a fag butt out of a snowman's eye socket.

that. is. beautiful
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: pancreas on December 10, 2017, 02:39:46 PM
merry christmas everyone

(https://i.imgur.com/PI8ie3b.jpg)

MARVELLOUS
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: JoeyBananaduck on December 10, 2017, 10:04:21 PM
Why did you model you Christmas tree on my ex's fanny? Insensitive.































(It sure was! Arf!) #desolation
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Glebe on December 10, 2017, 10:36:15 PM
(https://i.imgur.com/PI8ie3b.jpg)

Latest Last Jedi photo shows porg being attacked by tentacled monstrosity.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: ollyboro on December 12, 2017, 03:42:13 PM
Jazz enthusiast and self-styled coolest cat about down, Bertie 'Bebop' Brownsword, is left with a brutal case of Hepatitis A, after leaving a Streatham cellar following confusion over an internet advert promoting a 'Scat Evening'.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: dex on December 12, 2017, 06:16:58 PM
Jazz enthusiast and self-styled coolest cat about down, Bertie 'Bebop' Brownsword, is left with a brutal case of Hepatitis A, after leaving a Streatham cellar following confusion over an internet advert promoting a 'Scat Evening'.

He got Brownsworded, right there!
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Glebe on December 12, 2017, 07:36:34 PM
Jurassic Park: The Orange & Teal Edition is released, and with a few thousand more CGI dinos put in.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Spoon of Ploff on December 12, 2017, 08:32:36 PM
the ice beneath her feet just. won't. break.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Foggy Buntwhistle on December 12, 2017, 09:48:55 PM
Marrow bone cold out there, biting wind. He likes to stick his nob out the catflap until he can't feel it anymore. Slaps it about the kitchen worktop until he's out of breath, panting, maybe crying. Hard to tell anymore.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: the midnight watch baboon on December 12, 2017, 10:31:47 PM
Graeme's inelegant snow sarcophagus is kicked in by the bastard children of Nantwich.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: FerriswheelBueller on December 13, 2017, 02:26:10 AM
A Lord Mayor wanks into his ceremonial sash, again.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Gregory Torso on December 13, 2017, 06:54:07 AM
Janet Bumfun drowns her unwanted woodlice children in a pint glass of flat coke.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: spamwangler on December 13, 2017, 03:23:27 PM
A union rep is replaced with a stack of adult coloring in books and a pamphlet from the Samaritans
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Berthas Fat Leg on December 13, 2017, 07:04:16 PM
It was her 21st Birthday.

She spent it pushing her spastic aunt around Shoezone.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Berthas Fat Leg on December 13, 2017, 07:05:51 PM
A half-bag of fizzy Haribo is dissolved to make Christmas Gravy.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Berthas Fat Leg on December 13, 2017, 07:06:46 PM
A conflicted normie doesn't know whether to smile or scowl at an ethnic.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: FerriswheelBueller on December 13, 2017, 07:16:36 PM
A half-bag of fizzy Haribo is dissolved to make Christmas Gravy.

Euphoria
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on December 13, 2017, 09:03:59 PM
A disaffected idiot savant draws a picture perfect drawing of his rape.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: JoeyBananaduck on December 14, 2017, 04:59:45 AM
She roles over in her sleep, brings her knees up and hits him hard in the bollocks. He yelps. He spends the next 10 minutes offering grovelling apologies for waking her.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Cuntbeaks on December 14, 2017, 10:49:35 PM
Some wonderful entries on this page. Shoezone Spastic and Savant Rape are both worthy of an extra Yorshire Pudding.

A Yorkshire Pudding made with pubes of course.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on December 14, 2017, 11:06:39 PM
The Nintendo Switch proves to be an uninspired concept which doesn't progress the console market in any meaningful way.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Cuntbeaks on December 14, 2017, 11:11:42 PM
A 'Ltd Edition Turkey and Stuffing' Dalepak cutlet, tinned potatoes and marrowfat peas Xmas dinner, is fired through a closed window in Paisley.

Xmas 2017, Mark E Smith pauses between mouthfuls of liquidised Xmas dinner and realises that it will be his last. At the exact same moment he also realises that he was an idiot to let Craig Scanlon and Steve Hanley leave The Fall. He knew it at the time, but was too much of a cunt to admit it. The tears begin to flow.

B&Ms Xmas dinner for one in a can. Only 99p!
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: pancreas on December 14, 2017, 11:25:46 PM
She roles over in her sleep, brings her knees up and hits him hard in the bollocks. He yelps. He spends the next 10 minutes offering grovelling apologies for waking her.

#real
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Gregory Torso on December 15, 2017, 12:19:01 AM
A stampede of coldsores erupts across the godless moue of an Emmerdale extra, igniting a fresh wave of sexual misconduct charges for a minor Dingle.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Gregory Torso on December 15, 2017, 12:27:11 AM
A weak sunrise attempts to penetrate the thick brown polluted haze of another morning in southern China.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: BlodwynPig on December 15, 2017, 12:32:10 AM
Brian finally simmers down after another epic Dr. Who inspired strop...and reluctantly reheats his Christmas dinner, Easter just a week away
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: FerriswheelBueller on December 15, 2017, 01:02:03 AM
A man in Aston steps in a dog turd.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Glebe on December 15, 2017, 01:32:45 AM
A milksop takes a giant step and moves to San Francisco, but sufferes an existential emotional shock and moved back to his hobbit hole in Furness.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: BlodwynPig on December 15, 2017, 01:36:27 AM
A milksop takes a giant step and moves to San Francisco, but sufferes an existential emotional shock and moved back to his hobbit hole in Furness.

The hole has been rented out. He fails to sleep comfortably overlooking Workington marina
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: JoeyBananaduck on December 15, 2017, 09:10:22 AM
A dying ferret painfully nibbles its own already shredded hind quarters off in a misguided bid for life-saving sustenance.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: FerriswheelBueller on December 15, 2017, 10:23:11 AM
One of the newer carnival workers is garotted by the candy floss machine. No sense in wasting a batch, we'll sell this lot then report the accident.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Gregory Torso on December 15, 2017, 10:38:16 AM
Christmas 1986: Dad sawed me dogs head off bcause i forgot to record The Twa Ronnies

Christmas 1989: Dad ran his own legs over wi the lawnmower so he wouldn have to buy ehs Chrimbo prezzies.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: ollyboro on December 15, 2017, 12:50:40 PM
As the neighbours' laughter and Champagne corks echo through the walls, Reuben's eyes glass over as great great uncle Heime begins his traditional 3 hour 'Why we should never forget Belsen at Christmas' reminiscences.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on December 15, 2017, 02:12:45 PM
A man slathers Pest Expert on his glans.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Vodka Margarine on December 15, 2017, 03:16:57 PM
The horrific neglect and abuse at the hands of a bastard great grandfather affects him like an ancient pea poking through layers of historic linen. 'May as well carry on the tradition' thinks Paddy, as he negotiates the car park at Tiny Tumblers.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Drop Dead Fred on December 15, 2017, 04:57:57 PM
The old song, 'When you're smilin' is playing over a crackly holiday camp Tannoy system as a family in body bags are being stretchered out of a chalet. It was a faulty gas cooker. An elderly couple in the opposite chalet briefly stare out the window with vacant eyes, then go back to watching the TV, which is showing an advert for the All New Ford Fiesta. It rains unendingly.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Foggy Buntwhistle on December 15, 2017, 07:33:05 PM
"The Time Machine! IT WORKS! IT BLOODY WORKS!!" 

Thinks Professor Thumblerot, just before the machine deposits him 7 billion odd years into the future, just as the Sun envelops the Earth in nuclear fire.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Glebe on December 16, 2017, 01:32:17 AM
A frog takes a peek out from under a leaf, thinks "Fuck it," and goes back for a kip.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: FerriswheelBueller on December 16, 2017, 02:03:30 AM
A photograph of Kelvin MacKenzie starts a cargo cult among an uncontacted tribe on a remote island near Guadeloupe. It is not long before blood sacrifices are demanded to sate The Greasy One’s thirst.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Glebe on December 16, 2017, 02:15:50 AM
Robert Smith fucks off a session for the next Cure album and gets sucked into a black void of existential despair.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: JoeyBananaduck on December 16, 2017, 08:18:10 AM
BOB returns with twice as much Garmonbozia as he had to start with.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on December 16, 2017, 08:27:46 AM
The President of Turkmenistan bellows to his servants to play Time To Burn by Storm as he mentally prepares himself for a bestial wank.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Glebe on December 16, 2017, 08:56:14 AM
A man curiously named Unker Gee trips while putting his bins out and farts. Thankfully no one sees this, but it's still fucking humiliating!
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: dex on December 16, 2017, 11:12:14 AM
The cash notes that change hands while you're sold have a depiction of Fred West on them.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on December 16, 2017, 11:45:07 AM
A beefburger magnate goes feral and bites a cats leg in search of meat.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Glebe on December 16, 2017, 05:29:20 PM
Richard Glans discovers his bank account empty, and in the run-up to the festive season that's well unfortunate!
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: dex on December 16, 2017, 06:42:08 PM
Richard Glans discovers his bank account empty, and in the run-up to the festive season that's well unfortunate!

Unauthorised overdraft charges begin for Mr Glans. Cue goons from the bank tooled up with ball peen hammers coming round to sort him out.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: ollyboro on December 16, 2017, 09:29:04 PM
After ascending to Heaven, Sir Cliff is left with his unnaturally uncreased face pressed up to the pearly gates, watching Janis, Elvis, Jimi, Brian Et al partying for eternity, while St Peter explains that Moses had missed out the 11th commandment: "Don't be a boring cunt......have a good time, all of the time."
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on December 16, 2017, 10:10:25 PM
It's 4.30am and Paul rifles through silage

Bloke walks past.

"Hi Paul"



"...... hi mate"
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Glebe on December 17, 2017, 05:01:22 AM
A snail goes over to a young lad beatboxing on the main street and tells him to keep it down, mate.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Foggy Buntwhistle on December 17, 2017, 09:31:04 AM
Lovely ^



A snail attempts to beatbox and explodes itself from the inside out. A teenage wally slips on the resulting pavement gunk and buggers his wrist.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: FerriswheelBueller on December 17, 2017, 01:23:52 PM
An unhappy doormouse voluntarily walks onto the PestCo 2000 AutoSlice Obliterator, safe in the knowledge that the trap’s “Best In Class” spring tension (as well as its award winning trigger sensitivity) will definitely get the job done.

Hey and if not; free cheese. Either way is fine (though the former is preferable at this point).
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on December 17, 2017, 08:21:11 PM
A kettle that has only known the cruel hand of man self-sabotages the latest boil and ends up being sworn at in a skip.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: the midnight watch baboon on December 17, 2017, 08:46:57 PM
Via horrible screeches, a clot demands to be let off at the Why Bird stop.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Foggy Buntwhistle on December 17, 2017, 10:06:22 PM
The bin is refuge from the harsh winter night. Half rotten cauliflower pillow.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Glebe on December 17, 2017, 11:37:08 PM
An owl on a branch outside a house in Surrey where a Christmas party is going on gets grumpy, and spends the evening criticising the revelling people within. "It's giving me the right hump, that racket. Cuh, haven't you lot got anything better to do of a Thursday night? I know it's around Christmas time, and one would expect some folks would be having a bit of a do with various friends and work colleagues, but can you put a lid on it at some point, mate?"

But they can't hear him talking to himself out there on his own.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: ollyboro on December 18, 2017, 12:07:07 AM
During Barry and Samantha's weekly mixed doubles badminton match against Terry and  Chloe, Samantha is mortified when Chloe bends down to pick up the shuttlecock, just as a love egg pops out of Barry's arsehole and rolls across the court, landing next to the shuttlecock.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: ollyboro on December 18, 2017, 01:20:28 AM
"Legally speaking, we can't make her return from Syria... especially since it was her decision in the first place to get away from...and I quote ...That pair of boring cunts", the British Consul informs newly aware great grandparents Kate and Gerry.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Namtab on December 18, 2017, 03:11:12 AM
Christmas Day. An aging zookeeper decides not to give the penguins their fish. She smiles as they waddle about, panicking, confused at this rupture in their daily routine.

'That'll teach them. That'll teach them all.'
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Glebe on December 18, 2017, 03:14:21 AM
The Wombles' Orinoco finds yesterday's The Times during his daily rounds on Wimbledon Common, and is subsequently laid-low with depression after reading about all the horrible things happening in the 'real' world outside.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: JoeyBananaduck on December 18, 2017, 09:08:27 AM
^ sad karma
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Glebe on December 18, 2017, 11:31:47 AM
Peter Andre guest stars in a comeback episode of Footballer's Wives, tonight on Five.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Nice Relaxing Poo on December 18, 2017, 01:23:51 PM
A man with severe haemorrhoids wins a lifetime supply of Izal.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Glebe on December 18, 2017, 01:50:56 PM
"Alright Richard, how are you?"

Osman just arrogantly walks on by. Armstrong finishes his pint in embarrassed silence.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: ollyboro on December 18, 2017, 04:03:24 PM
It's the sheer lack of respect that hurts Geoffrey the morning after the party, as he attempts to fish out the sweet corn from his six grand hot tub.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Namtab on December 18, 2017, 06:27:03 PM
Noel Edmonds attends Keith Chegwin's funeral. He hasn't been invited.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Glebe on December 18, 2017, 09:22:50 PM
A Kenyan goat stamps on a freshly-watered daisy.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Sebastian Cobb on December 18, 2017, 09:39:43 PM
A man with severe haemorrhoids wins a lifetime supply of Izal.

[tag]Alanis Morrisette's lost verses[/tag]
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Glebe on December 18, 2017, 09:43:11 PM
A hawthorn looses it's bearings and makes haste for a ditch.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: the midnight watch baboon on December 18, 2017, 10:44:04 PM
Mum's red puddle.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on December 18, 2017, 10:54:56 PM
A fried breakfast overlord watches that bit where Vinnie Jones slams the car door on someone's head over and over and over.

"Hehe, love Vinnie Jones"
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: FerriswheelBueller on December 18, 2017, 11:37:57 PM
A helium-filled Santa decoration slowly deflates during a children’s benefit at the Silverdale working men’s club. Agadoo plays as the crowd succumbs to the fumes; 3 are hospitalized due to prolonged exposure.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Glebe on December 19, 2017, 02:03:18 AM
One of those coin-operated Postman Pat rides falls over outside a Tesco in Tewkesbury. Mercifully, no-one is injured, but it upsets a tramp who had been observing it for some hours from across the car park.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Gregory Torso on December 19, 2017, 04:43:42 AM
Noel Edmonds attends Keith Chegwin's funeral. He hasn't been invited.

At Keith Chegwin's funeral, the shrieking laugh of Ricky Gervais cuts through the mourners like a hacksaw through a sponge cake.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on December 19, 2017, 08:57:21 AM
In the Rijksmuseum a Chinese billionaire waves generally across the great hall and commands his PA to "buy some of this shit"
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: spamwangler on December 19, 2017, 01:22:12 PM
In a moment of passion that no-one expected, a thrilled and trembling Bernard Matthews  is noshed off by an unexperienced but enthusiastic Eddie Stobart

they hold each other silently for two hours afterwards, get dressed and then part, never to speak of the meeting ever again
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Bazooka on December 19, 2017, 02:52:46 PM
A sausage enthusiast develops an allergy to pork overnight.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Namtab on December 19, 2017, 02:54:22 PM
Lewis Hamilton sits down to write the screenplay 'he's always had in him'.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Glebe on December 19, 2017, 06:58:35 PM
Glebe is tired and anxious on the train. And posting on CaB on his phone.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: FerriswheelBueller on December 19, 2017, 07:47:37 PM
Glebe is tired and anxious on the train. And posting on CaB on his phone.

“Ha, what a loser” thinks Ferris, as he hides in the bogs to avoid doing the job he hates. Endless liquid pooing emanates.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Captain Poodle Basher on December 19, 2017, 08:30:09 PM
Real life desolation from earlier today.

A homeless man sits begging on the wet pavement of a busy shopping street. A couple approach him, the man stops in front of the homeless man, takes out a coin and flips it with his thumb into the coffee cup being used for donations. The coin hits the side of the cup, spilling the meagre content of coins on the ground. The homeless man looks on passively at this. The man sneers at the homeless man "Well? Do you want money or not?" His female companion takes him to task for his attitude only to be told "It's my money and I'll do what I like with it." They walk away into a nearby shop, still arguing.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: FerriswheelBueller on December 19, 2017, 11:05:37 PM
Fucking hell thats bleak. So many stories there.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Berthas Fat Leg on December 19, 2017, 11:07:19 PM
A grandad opening his Christmas presents just cannot get the Kennedy head-shot out of his mind.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on December 20, 2017, 02:19:03 PM
Lewis Hamilton sits down to write the screenplay 'he's always had in him'.

Sublime.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Glebe on December 20, 2017, 04:10:59 PM
A dolphin pops up from the depths to inform you that you smell and are a sad loser.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Cuntbeaks on December 20, 2017, 05:45:39 PM
The ragged and unforgiving lid from a Fray Bentos 'Just Chicken' pie is used to disfigure a ratty Chihuahua.

Ed Sheeran Googles 'micropenis'.

Winter Wonderland Santa smells like piss and sausages.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Spoon of Ploff on December 20, 2017, 06:04:05 PM
The Christmas tunes here sure wear a jaunty hat.. he thinks.
Starbucks.
M40 service Station
6.05 pm Dec 20th
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Namtab on December 20, 2017, 06:10:43 PM
A father briefly gets control of the speakers at his thirteen year old son's birthday party. He puts on Guns N' Roses' 'Welcome to the Jungle', nodding and grinning as he exclaims how it's 'real music, with instruments'.

A boy laughs derisively to his face, as his son smiles a weak, pitiful smile in the corner. The father never forgets this moment.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Nice Relaxing Poo on December 20, 2017, 08:23:01 PM
A diabetic browses prothesis knowing that he can't be arsed watching his diet.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Glebe on December 20, 2017, 09:20:17 PM
A raven caws uselessly at a passing charabanc.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Dannyhood91 on December 21, 2017, 07:24:02 AM
Grandads getting a steampunk funeral if he wants one or not.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Dannyhood91 on December 21, 2017, 07:25:23 AM
A hotel lobby smells stale after hosting a steampunk wedding.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Dannyhood91 on December 21, 2017, 07:27:38 AM
Steampunk
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Spoon of Ploff on December 21, 2017, 08:30:39 AM
A shy Java developer farts himself to sleep.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: FerriswheelBueller on December 21, 2017, 11:40:02 AM
Grandads getting a steampunk funeral if he wants one or not.

Outstanding
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Namtab on December 21, 2017, 04:40:42 PM
Osmond and Armstrong get stuck on a desert island. Two weeks in, Osmond feasts on Armstrong's flesh.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Nice Relaxing Poo on December 21, 2017, 07:24:56 PM
A catarrhic mother spits on her favourite coughing hanky and scrubs clean her errant 6 year old son's face.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Glebe on December 22, 2017, 03:37:58 AM
Roger the penguin shouts, "Oi, gerrout of it, mate! Givvus a bit of privacy! Been couped up in this zoo is one thing, but having people gawking at you is another! Push off! Find someone else to bother! Cuh!"
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Foggy Buntwhistle on December 22, 2017, 04:59:39 PM
Takes a shite over the white cliffs, whistles the song as he does it. Not bluebird to be seen.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Glebe on December 23, 2017, 04:40:04 AM
The theme from The Deer Hunter (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=c6gpa8nUa70) plays whilst Uncle Jessocks steamrolls some garden daffodils into oblivion.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Namtab on December 23, 2017, 05:08:55 AM
A man discusses Maynard James Keenan with a nurse whilst a lump is surgically removed from his penis.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: dex on December 23, 2017, 06:25:05 AM
A man discusses Maynard James Keenan with a nurse whilst a lump is surgically removed from his penis.

Sublime (not the band!!)
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Glebe on December 23, 2017, 07:19:31 AM
Sublime (not the band!!)

Although ironically they were outside waiting to get vasectomies!
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on December 23, 2017, 08:02:38 AM
On the same day every year, a golfer bakes a cake in memory of the first completed sexual assault.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Chairman Bodog on December 23, 2017, 08:11:17 AM
To commemorate institutional sodomy he works up an Eton Mess and dronestrikes it into a grammar school locker room.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on December 23, 2017, 09:56:31 AM
In the village of Balderton a wan recluse paints anuses onto frozen wasps.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on December 23, 2017, 10:00:37 AM
Instead of an advent calendar, Barry breaks into a new window every day and strangles a dog to death.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on December 23, 2017, 10:13:28 AM
Ariel Sharon launches a decisive bombing campaign, in his mind.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Spoon of Ploff on December 23, 2017, 10:35:19 AM
and the winner of the 2030 Hollywood Porn Awards' best new comer... hasn't been born yet.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Nice Relaxing Poo on December 23, 2017, 03:38:58 PM
Grimsby desperately searches for a town to be twinned with and only has one taker: it's Rhyl.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: spamwangler on December 23, 2017, 05:56:02 PM

Christmas Eve, a man with five coats on struggles down the street, exhilarated

I told the boy wele be eating meat for Christmas! This is going to be great!


A he skips carefully along a trail of steam pumps rhythmically from the still warm bag of medical waste -


A happy little train in the crisp December night, a still, happy moment in the maelstrom


Merry Christmas everyone
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: the midnight watch baboon on December 23, 2017, 11:07:06 PM
A dyspraxic pub stripper dents the labia on a lone drinker's little square table.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: spamwangler on December 24, 2017, 06:03:26 AM
Early Christmas Day, and a voice from nowhere stops him dead in his tracks in the middle of the heaving shopping centre, somehow both the loudest and the quietest thing he's ever heard. It says


All the nerf guns in the world wouldnt make him forget what you did. And you can only afford a small off-brand one.


Merry Christmas everyone

Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Namtab on December 24, 2017, 08:17:22 AM
Nick Park melts Morph on a barbecue.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Captain Poodle Basher on December 24, 2017, 11:19:18 AM
Another real life one from last Friday.

Two teenaged Traveller lads get on the bus. All loud bravado and hyperactivity.

One starts chanting....

"We're the Driscolls, D. O. R.... No,"

"We're the Driscolls, D. O. R.... No,"

"We're the Driscolls, D. O. R. I.... Nope, I can't get it."

He then turns to the other and asks him to play music from YouTube on his (the other's phone) as "Sure, I don''t know how to work stuff like that."


Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: FerriswheelBueller on December 24, 2017, 01:43:15 PM
In the middle of a production line at the North Pole, a happy little elf discovers the joys of onanism.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: ollyboro on December 24, 2017, 04:29:08 PM
During his 8th season as House Of Fraser Santa, committed paedophile Brendan realises he can no longer raise an erection.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on December 24, 2017, 05:04:11 PM
Why bother with online dating when you can just rape people thinks Paul
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Cuntbeaks on December 24, 2017, 06:33:52 PM
Sandi Toksvig loses the battle with her Boxing Day shit and prolapses, again.

Sandi Toksvig considers a Corn Row hair do while on holiday in Goa.

Sandi Toksvig spends an afternoon in a B&M car park watching YNC videos on the 10" OLED Info Display Screen in her new Audi 4x4.

Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: ollyboro on December 24, 2017, 06:39:18 PM
Why bother with online dating when you can just rape people thinks Paul
Paul realises he's probably wasted his dole money at the speed dating evening because the Rohypnol isn't taking effect quick enough.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on December 25, 2017, 08:22:55 AM
It's GTA its GTA i'm being GTA

Alan's trip outdoors to buy a suit for attending the funeral of his iguana is going well
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Glebe on December 25, 2017, 12:14:53 PM
A 54 year-old man spends 24 hours on an Xbox.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: FerriswheelBueller on December 25, 2017, 12:30:48 PM
A 54 year-old man spends 24 hours on an Xbox.

It is one of his happier Christmases, definitely top 5 of the last decade.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Spoon of Ploff on December 25, 2017, 12:37:07 PM
A 54 year-old man spends 24 hours on an Xbox.

The leccy was cut off a week ago.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: FerriswheelBueller on December 25, 2017, 01:14:36 PM
Some real life desolation - went to a small town market/craft fair a few days ago. One of the few stalls open in the massive hall was selling custom bingo-dabber holster aprons, in patterned fabric. The patterns available were slices of pizza, American eagles, and reindeer (cos it’s christmas, like). The products themselves were like a 50s housewife apron, combined with a mad bingo-bandolier, each one capable of housing 30 or so dabbers at least.

No one in their right mind would consider purchasing such an item, much less investing any time or energy into actually making and trying to sell them (for money) to an unsuspecting public.

The vendor was doing a roaring trade. People were lining up to purchase.

Outside, the sleet fell.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Gregory Torso on December 25, 2017, 01:49:00 PM
A roadsweeper eats a rotisserie chaffinch in the slush outside the needle exchange.




Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Gregory Torso on December 25, 2017, 01:50:25 PM
A spoilt rat-child thrashes its robot dog with a selfie stick in the insect house at London Zoo.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: ollyboro on December 25, 2017, 01:54:23 PM
It became apparent to the Brown family that the email stating that Fluffy the hamster's hamster ball was being recalled due to  "a lack of airholes"  wasn't a hoax.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Gregory Torso on December 25, 2017, 01:58:33 PM
A crackbaby's funeral concludes with an extemporised recorder solo.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Glebe on December 25, 2017, 02:12:52 PM
A cod considers it's potential as a tennis champion.

The leccy was cut off a week ago.

The 'XBox' is an empty tin of Quality Street from 2003.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Foggy Buntwhistle on December 25, 2017, 02:28:52 PM
A grubby peasant sucks the rotten meat off a dead dears hoof in order to avoid starvation. He's hanged the next day. The crowd cheer!

A blackhole farts a new universe into existence. It's almost identical to this one expect humans have flippers instead of feet.



Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: FerriswheelBueller on December 25, 2017, 02:34:09 PM
On Christmas Day, a desolation thread on a nerdy comedy website takes on new fervour.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on December 25, 2017, 03:45:18 PM
Gordon Brown thinks back to bottling calling an election
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Glebe on December 25, 2017, 04:01:34 PM
A grubby peasant sucks the rotten meat off a dead dears hoof in order to avoid starvation. He's hanged the next day. The crowd cheer!

A blackhole farts a new universe into existence. It's almost identical to this one expect humans have flippers instead of feet.

Fantastic. It's almost euphoric desolation!
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: pancreas on December 25, 2017, 05:08:29 PM
Even though she's passed on now, we wanted Mum still to be able to be part of Christmas, so we baked her remains into the cake.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: the midnight watch baboon on December 25, 2017, 11:12:17 PM
Forsaking his marriage, Boz perfects that fart he does that sounds quite like a TIE-Fighter
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on December 26, 2017, 12:55:41 AM
Duncan Bannatyne sneers at a foodbank operative
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Captain Poodle Basher on December 26, 2017, 08:05:53 AM
Boxing Day and Darren Shields is stalking the slums of Bogota in search of a new STD to add to his collection.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Gregory Torso on December 26, 2017, 09:14:25 AM
Monty Don cuts a robin in half with a trowel in his garden after staying up all night watching his Bear Grylls box set.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Spoon of Ploff on December 26, 2017, 09:46:26 AM
Its Boxing Day. A CABer decides he can't be bothered removing the Christmas Decorations from his Aloe Vera  plant.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Glebe on December 26, 2017, 10:12:24 AM
A piece of moss says "Fuck it," and lobs itself sideways into the path of an oncoming turtle.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Spoon of Ploff on December 26, 2017, 10:22:30 AM
A cod considers it's potential as a tennis champion.

The 'XBox' is an empty tin of Quality Street from 2003.

The XBox should have been a painted egg box. You've ruined this Glebe.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Glebe on December 26, 2017, 10:23:56 AM
The XBox should have been a painted egg box. You've ruined this Glebe.

DESOLATION.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: the midnight watch baboon on December 26, 2017, 10:27:56 AM
A wet frisbee bounces viciously off a maligned dog's snout.

The chucker? TV's Adam Farmer, Country file.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Glebe on December 26, 2017, 10:31:22 AM
A cracked The Complete Family Ness DVD cover lies forgotten down the side of a barrow in a field in Thurso.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Glebe on December 27, 2017, 02:55:04 AM
A parrot attempts to learn basic French but gets bored and fucks off down the pub.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Glebe on December 27, 2017, 11:40:58 AM
Cold leek soup.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on December 27, 2017, 01:08:01 PM
A cult leader manipulates his chode with his thumb and forefinger.

Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: buttgammon on December 27, 2017, 03:36:32 PM
There's a world outside your window, and it's a world of dread and fear. To cap it all off, a tramp does a shit in your hanging basket too.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on December 27, 2017, 05:55:33 PM
Trevor "half legged gelf" Mooney lurches across to Fred "wankered by lunchtime" Crowe.

"Hey, wankered by lunchtime, where the fuck's polyp on anus?"

Greg "Polyp on anus" Hazeldine crouches into the depth hovel.

"I'm here you pair of wankers"

Eight cans are thrust in. They don't emerge.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Foggy Buntwhistle on December 27, 2017, 08:26:20 PM
A mesopotamian god has a little cry coz he don't get sacrifices these days.

Christmas wank into a veruca sock. Festive.

Coughs up an unbroken egg. Doesn't remember eating one.

Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: ollyboro on December 27, 2017, 09:44:21 PM
Marjorie realises that the smell of milk formula is emanating from George's penis.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Glebe on December 27, 2017, 11:54:00 PM
A parsnip sighs as it acknowledges that it will never fully realise it's dream of becoming a haute couture fashion designer in Paris.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Namtab on December 27, 2017, 11:57:11 PM
A cracked The Complete Family Ness DVD cover lies forgotten down the side of a barrow in a field in Thurso.

Terrific.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: the midnight watch baboon on December 28, 2017, 12:52:42 AM
A young cancer dad is killed by an asteroid.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: the midnight watch baboon on December 28, 2017, 01:03:10 AM
A maggot dealer discovers hashtags.

A petrified sweetcorn kernel seamlessly replaces Barry's manky incisor.

A pungent luncheon meat aroma drifts through the kindergarten.

A depressed wasp gets adhered to seesaw goo.

Taylor Swift has the Boo Radleys dissolved.

2011 is targeted by nostalgia bigwigs.

Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Gregory Torso on December 28, 2017, 04:45:49 AM
The sod-grilles open up and turds slalom out like excited bumslugs, huge diseased horse-sized moths flap slowly through the stagnant air, you are drinking tin melt brandy from an ice cream cup on the curb, another year in the toilet bowl.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Gregory Torso on December 28, 2017, 05:27:14 AM
"Chug the tinsel, you fuckbauble"
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Glebe on December 28, 2017, 07:18:08 AM
You're all set for a fantastic New Year's party, when you are suddenly struck down with a horrible stomach bug. A mate rings the next day to confirm that "literally everyone had a fucking smashing night. BEST. PARTY. EVER. Now get back to vomiting in your bucket."

There is the sound of semi-solid liquid hitting plastic.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: dex on December 28, 2017, 10:55:23 AM
A Henry hoover is no longer smiling after going far beyond its intended duties in a 3 bed semi in Hemel Hempsted.

The whine of a Bosch dishwasher after being overloaded with dishes and shite.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Foggy Buntwhistle on December 28, 2017, 06:30:08 PM
Mabel finds her voice. 89 she is, not said a word in 67 years. But hear it is, her voice. She croaks, "kill me."
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on December 29, 2017, 07:01:49 AM
A maggot dealer discovers hashtags.

A petrified sweetcorn kernel seamlessly replaces Barry's manky incisor.

A pungent luncheon meat aroma drifts through the kindergarten.

A depressed wasp gets adhered to seesaw goo.

Taylor Swift has the Boo Radleys dissolved.

2011 is targeted by nostalgia bigwigs.

Great run
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Gregory Torso on December 29, 2017, 11:17:30 AM
"What is a lewy body?" Benjamin is asking his doctor. "It says I got them, in the tests. Am I going to get thinner? Maybe I'll be able to fit in my cocktail dress again. The boys used to love me when I dressed up, with the high heels, at the bars. They've all gone now, the bars. And the boys."

"You know, I don't bother with the make-up anymore, but I did find an old lipstick down the back of the radiator. Me hands shook too much to apply it, mind. I looked like a fucking It clown."

"Is it going to be aggressive? I don't mind that. I've been a butterfly all my life. I want to be a wasp."
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on December 29, 2017, 04:25:31 PM
An electrified hogwash emitter receives a replacement battery with a lifetime warranty
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Spoon of Ploff on December 30, 2017, 10:51:50 AM
(https://i.imgur.com/oHTMtLu.jpg)
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Glebe on January 02, 2018, 12:11:17 AM
A mango attempts to improve it's Portuguese, but fails miserably for it is only a fruit.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: FerriswheelBueller on January 02, 2018, 03:40:35 AM
A dementia patient sits on a wasp.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on January 02, 2018, 10:10:19 PM
A pile of gassed flies accumulates on the mezzanine area of a malattended gantry.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Gregory Torso on January 03, 2018, 04:19:16 AM
A street nettle drinks blood from the face of a paralysed parkour prat.

An impoverished kitchen waif corkscrews raw fusilli up his anus for a specialist webcam show.

Palsied rucksack-wearing scofflaw listening to Whitesnake on bluetooth speakers in a cemetery on Mother's Day.

A baobab tree full of elephant piss detonates over a family of wildebeest.

Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: dex on January 03, 2018, 05:37:12 PM
A lad with learning difficulties treads on a land mine. Got bloody stumps for legs now.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Vodka Margarine on January 05, 2018, 12:42:43 AM
A bus shelter charity advert kid sports a forehead swastika due to an old marker pen daubing on the clear plastic covering. The council won't do anything because "the locals love it".
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: JoeyBananaduck on January 05, 2018, 04:06:29 AM
A stray dog farts out a pile of dead fleas on to a used tampon halfway up the roughest street in Mossside.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Vodka Margarine on January 05, 2018, 12:32:59 PM
A stray dog farts out a pile of dead fleas on to a used tampon halfway up the roughest street in Mossside.

The most grim story I heard was from a police officer who told me about this Transiting Shoplifter who had had there arse Rogered away in order to pay for drugs, that they had to keep a Tampon up there in order to stop it all falling out.

oops
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Gregory Torso on January 07, 2018, 12:50:29 AM
A dog-botherer comes down with mange.

Des'ree's binmeat stash is discovered.

Your wife looking back at you through a monocle of bruised bone with her heart as empty as a church and nothing in her eyes.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Namtab on January 09, 2018, 07:07:30 PM
David Lynch watches 'Inland Empire' with a group of fans and academics. At the end of the film, he mockingly turns to them and sneers 'you didn't actually enjoy that shit, did you?'
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on January 09, 2018, 11:04:52 PM
Son or takeaway
Son or takeaway
Son or takeaway

Dad fucks contact time right off and goes all in on a China Palace feast.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: dex on January 10, 2018, 05:52:12 PM
A very thick dog barks at rain.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Namtab on January 10, 2018, 08:00:43 PM
A cumstain on a Roy Chubby Brown VHS.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: derek stitt on January 10, 2018, 10:18:19 PM
The symbolism is never lost on the potholer with a micro penis.

The symbolism is not lost on the mezzo soprano in the echo chamber.

A fanatical Doctor Who fans house reeks of spunk.

Earthworms for hair and snails for teeth riding a moped is beyond Gareth’s reach.

Wogs out!

Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on January 11, 2018, 07:35:27 AM
The assistant manager of Shoe Zone in Scunthorpe finds a turtle skull in a Breakfast Triple.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Glebe on January 11, 2018, 09:26:24 AM
Arnold keeps dried out fruit segments in a shoe box in the airing cupboard. Potential partners must pass his 'special' test, by sniffing each piece and guessing which one is his favourite. "So far, they is unsucessful. Better lucks next toimes, moi lovlies, uuuuuuurrgghhh!!!"
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: JoeyBananaduck on January 11, 2018, 09:52:38 AM
A constipated trapeze artist who's been trying to fart all day finally succeeds at the worst possible moment. YouTube sensation. Dead.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Glebe on January 11, 2018, 01:19:23 PM
A frog says, "Ah fuck's sake, why bother? It's all just jumping on lillypads and makin' frogspawn."
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on January 11, 2018, 05:01:03 PM
A slighted cropsprayer flies his biplane into a black family
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Namtab on January 11, 2018, 08:02:36 PM
Man dumped by his girlfriend takes to the Desolation thread for comfort.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Spoon of Ploff on January 11, 2018, 08:40:33 PM
you can take the man out of the desolation (thread)... but you can't take the desolation (thread) out of the man
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Glebe on January 11, 2018, 08:42:07 PM
A wee Willy Winkle of Thurso takes a wee down the bonnie rocks onto old Mr. Tavish's heid! Och, he'll no be pleases wi' that!
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Dannyhood91 on January 12, 2018, 07:22:24 AM
The Hollyoaks Expanded Universe.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Dannyhood91 on January 12, 2018, 07:28:55 AM
Gladys is in denial about the incident in the pantry.

A plonker is denied medical assistance.

Jeremy Clarkson OBE

Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Dannyhood91 on January 12, 2018, 07:30:08 AM
A war is extended for injury time.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Dannyhood91 on January 12, 2018, 07:34:38 AM
CGI Savile becomes self aware.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on January 12, 2018, 02:50:31 PM
A beachcomber pulls a decomposed 7 year old from a dune near a golf course. He makes a log in his notebook.

No valuables to be had, he remarks to Geoff. He makes a log in his notebook.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: poo on January 12, 2018, 06:33:30 PM
Gary changes his name to Alan.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Spoon of Ploff on January 12, 2018, 06:46:56 PM

'Those lazy toerags at N0 37 still haven't taken down their Christmas decorations. It's a disgrace.'

Mable's tutting and moaning to anyone who'll listen continues for another four weeks, until the whole street witnesses the police and ambulance crews cordon off the house and bring out, one by one, and in smaller and smaller body bags the five bodies that made up the Cromwell family.

Mable's unrepentant though. And starts talking about a murder suicide pack that was inevitable given the circumstances.

Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Glebe on January 13, 2018, 06:43:21 AM
Uncle Gee visits.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Glebe on January 13, 2018, 01:13:38 PM
A sad gay flops on the couch with an onion up it's arse.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Rocket Surgery on January 13, 2018, 02:55:36 PM
A persistent nightmare involving Martin Freeman.

And only Martin Freeman.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: BlodwynPig on January 13, 2018, 03:09:12 PM
Blazes Fire Surrounds Ltd., Pelaw, Tyne and Wear. For 30 years, nothing noticeable has happened.

Then one sunny day, a man with a giant penis sexually assaults an unsuspecting man and his Westie outside the premises.

(http://i68.tinypic.com/5fm3xu.png)
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Gregory Torso on January 13, 2018, 03:13:54 PM
Rick Stein does a shot of milt in Bangkok.

Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: FerriswheelBueller on January 13, 2018, 03:15:19 PM
Rick Stein shoots a milf in Bangkok.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Replies From View on January 13, 2018, 03:21:53 PM
Arnold keeps dried out fruit segments in a shoe box in the airing cupboard. Potential partners must pass his 'special' test, by sniffing each piece and guessing which one is his favourite. "So far, they is unsucessful. Better lucks next toimes, moi lovlies, uuuuuuurrgghhh!!!"

He sounds like Richard the Wanker.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: JoeyBananaduck on January 13, 2018, 06:31:22 PM
Someone someone once called 'my everything's brain finally disengages itself from his head disgusted at the abuse he's put up with for 4 miserable decades. Brain can't stand it anymore. Brain is off. Sort yourself out mate. Brain's off.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Glebe on January 13, 2018, 07:10:56 PM
Flossy Wee-Nads rocks up at Jiminey Yumkins Jive Ball, scratching his arse behind him!
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Glebe on January 14, 2018, 12:19:12 AM
A cow considers infinity.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: JoeyBananaduck on January 14, 2018, 11:18:35 AM
An aging man eyes the photo of his smiling grandfather and wife walking along the beach hand in hand at Blackpool in the 1950s and considers the progress we've made fixing society in the last 70 years.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: dex on January 14, 2018, 11:45:04 AM
A crafty wank goes wrong when a thought about this month's gas bill is at the forefront of your mind.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on January 14, 2018, 12:56:30 PM
An incompetent ferret handler drops loose change through his stumps.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: dex on January 14, 2018, 01:18:29 PM
A silly pervert thinks he's clever by ringing an insurance company to get a quote on insuring his cock.

"Sorry love, we don't insure things that small." Is the curt response by the operator...
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Glebe on January 14, 2018, 07:23:55 PM
Keith from the Sales Division brings a wallaby to the pub after work and swings it round and round 'til it becomes dizzy and starts snapping at folk.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: JoeyBananaduck on January 15, 2018, 11:01:50 AM
A freezing cold bog booth and the smack of a freezing cold black plastic toilet seat accompanied by someone else's still tepid urine against your arsecheeks as you heave away producing nowt but rabbit pellets on a 1958 pull chain public toilet on a rainy January Wednesday morning in Burnley.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: JoeyBananaduck on January 15, 2018, 11:08:14 AM
As he lies shaking and trembling in a bed of cardboard in the doorway of an abandoned Poundstretcher, the pneumonia and cirrhosis finally finishing him off, a Coke can bounces off his head accompanied by some barely audible abuse from the mouth of a 12 year old boy who has no idea that several years ago he used to thrill to the antics of this very man, back when he was Iggle Piggle.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: the midnight watch baboon on January 15, 2018, 06:39:10 PM
A defunct German piss fanclub treasurer seizes a carp.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on January 16, 2018, 12:22:42 AM
An maze maintenance clerk finds a head in a hedge. He knows how it got there.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Glebe on January 16, 2018, 01:38:03 AM
Harold throws rotten pears over the neighbours' fence to spite them. They're away in Miami for too weeks, so his efforts go unheeded as the over-ripe fruit lands fortuitously in the compost heap.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on January 16, 2018, 09:20:12 AM
A gymkhana ends in eight deaths, three of which are laughed at.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: JoeyBananaduck on January 16, 2018, 09:29:10 AM
A 'Pox Party' goes awry when it transpires that what little Luke just gave all his friends was far more deadly.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Thomas on January 16, 2018, 02:41:00 PM
A lonely pigeon keeper intends to hang himself in the abandoned Tots TV house (Stratford-upon-Avon), but loses his annotated map and instead settles for the woodland ruins of BlobbyLand (Morcambe). He is discovered three weeks later by Noel Edmonds, on one of his monthly visits. The authorities are not informed.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Glebe on January 16, 2018, 03:07:15 PM
"Oooh... wow... a CD of Elton John."

Another cracking day at the jumble sale for Humphrey Umpton.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Foggy Buntwhistle on January 16, 2018, 09:26:52 PM
And then he fell. From the stepladder. Cracked his bonce on the skirting he'd just painted. 46 more years invalid before sweet release. When it comes he thinks "thank fuck". 

Uses crisp packets as a wanking aid. Breathes in and out of them as he attacks his penis. Mild asphyxiation elevating a mediocre spunk to "not bad". Roysters, T-bone Steak.

"Fucked if i know mate, hahaha". Not what Margaret wanted to hear when she phoned the samaritans.

Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: FerriswheelBueller on January 17, 2018, 01:17:16 AM
A child’s handmade mug used as an impromptu crack pipe. The glaze is chipped and grubby, and the paint is faded, but a keen observer could just make out the picture of a smiley face and the words “to my lovely dad”.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Glebe on January 17, 2018, 01:34:13 AM
A sort of owl voices it's concerns about urban development to a local farmer, but the farmer couldn't give a fuck and tells it get stuffed.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: FerriswheelBueller on January 17, 2018, 03:15:56 AM
The twin-mysteries of where Mittens the cat went and the smell in the attic are solved concurrently.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: dex on January 17, 2018, 06:16:37 AM
Even the dolls in Germany's first full sex doll brothel turn away from Jamie when he enters...

The sigh of a hausfrau when she has to muck them all out after use...
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Glebe on January 17, 2018, 09:15:23 PM
Paul the goblin attempts to jump out from behind a tree and scare a tot, but his heart's just not in it anymore.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Glebe on January 18, 2018, 01:31:10 AM
A bum makes a sad, blunt noise as it shits out some air.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: poo on January 18, 2018, 06:50:45 AM
Hi Glebe. Would like to know more about Paul the goblin, if poss.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: zomgmouse on January 18, 2018, 06:54:09 AM
Limp trickles of way rusty water from the fireman's hose of the now-disused fire station of Slough
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: dex on January 18, 2018, 08:32:59 AM
The contented sigh of a rapist post rape.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: pancreas on January 18, 2018, 11:58:06 AM
Limp trickles of way rusty water from the fireman's hose of the now-disused fire station of Slough

fails to make a dent on the conflagration engulfing the cat rescue centre.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Spoon of Ploff on January 18, 2018, 02:27:17 PM
A Mr Blobby suit is abused at the Lost And Found office party.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Glebe on January 18, 2018, 04:22:55 PM
A cygnet tosses a load of uranium down a protected flower.

Hi Glebe. Would like to know more about Paul the goblin, if poss.

38. Divorced. Bi-sexual. Once won a glass carafe in a raffle.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Fishfinger on January 18, 2018, 06:19:54 PM
Glenneth, 73, has maintained for 57 years that his life was robbed of potential by the meteorite that obliterated his young love. It's just Wales though.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Glebe on January 18, 2018, 06:24:20 PM
An angry SeaWorld customer chucks a seal at at a hotdog stand.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Fishfinger on January 18, 2018, 08:01:18 PM
Five billion years into its galactic bumble-voyage, some semi-sentient tumbleweed skirts that shitty blue planet like it smells of wee. Which it mostly does, to be fair.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Gregory Torso on January 20, 2018, 06:48:52 AM
"Charlie, I'm bored. Shall we try to get mum up off the floor again?"
"We tried that last week, Lola. She's all sticky and heavy."
"I'm hungry. Is there any of dad left?"
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on January 20, 2018, 08:04:57 AM
A muck-encrusted anus menace can't open the peel on one of those crap sandwiches.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Spoon of Ploff on January 20, 2018, 10:08:55 AM
The head of Northumbria 's unreal crimes division resigns after six more imaginary friends are found murdered in Alnwick

#findandhangthismadbastard
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Spoon of Ploff on January 20, 2018, 10:51:22 AM
Special offers this week include half price, or three for two on wank pots... located next to the Back to School section. Hurry while stocks last.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on January 20, 2018, 03:58:18 PM
Loud bakers give a whippet a migraine.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Glebe on January 21, 2018, 01:44:08 AM
A pile of out-of-date Creme Eggs sits on a confectionary display in a crap Stockport minimart. One falls off and rolls along the floor, distressing several ants in the process. It stops in a dusty old corner, where it shall remain undiscovered for twenty years.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on January 21, 2018, 07:45:01 AM
John the human dustbin eats more trash for cash

Started eating the money as well now though, quite likes it
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Glebe on January 21, 2018, 09:39:48 AM
Paul of Hove has a solo barbeque. "Turned out nice again," he tells himself, taking another swig of warm beer as the rain pours down and the blood runs out if his burnt chicken burgers.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: FerriswheelBueller on January 21, 2018, 01:53:53 PM
A pothole abides, unfulfilled.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Vodka Margarine on January 21, 2018, 06:50:29 PM
A 26 mile drive to a Tie Rack that's completely fucking gone.

A sudden sense of confidence finally returns after three years. It lasts sixteen seconds.

A poorly ten year old realises they are just another straining, aching bag of dying guts.   
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on January 21, 2018, 11:57:48 PM
An intern keeps her lunch in her fanny; always done it - always will.

Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Gregory Torso on January 22, 2018, 07:13:25 AM
A buff jogger finds a woman's business shoe in a forest.

Later that night the heel of it snaps off inside his anus.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Gregory Torso on January 22, 2018, 07:20:03 AM
Pfffff. Dog fart floater.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: the midnight watch baboon on January 22, 2018, 12:05:14 PM
A tile falls into a koi pond after house takes its hat off to dignify a passing funeral procession.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Gregory Torso on January 22, 2018, 01:18:25 PM
A debilitating drug poo prevents a man from giving a presentation on how to monetise sports concussions.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Spoon of Ploff on January 22, 2018, 06:41:21 PM
Exhausted, resigned, weeping... the store Santas are lead back to their cells for another year.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Glebe on January 22, 2018, 06:56:50 PM
A goose spits horridly at a passing child.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Kane Jones on January 22, 2018, 07:01:19 PM
A child spits horridly at a passing goose.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Glebe on January 22, 2018, 07:04:18 PM
A goose and a child spit horridly at another pairing of passing goose and child.

They spit back, and thus the cycle of human and animal violence never ends.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on January 22, 2018, 11:03:25 PM
Starbucks opens a chain on one of those raised on stilts houses you see in the Maldives.

A chain also opens in Wendover.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on January 22, 2018, 11:04:11 PM
A debilitating drug poo prevents a man from giving a presentation on how to monetise sports concussions.

Yes mate
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on January 22, 2018, 11:05:40 PM
Exhausted, resigned, weeping... the store Santas are lead back to their cells for another year.

Love it
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: the midnight watch baboon on January 22, 2018, 11:27:44 PM
An emaciated, misplaced Eskimo plays giant draughts against himself with immense shards of frozen airplane pissshit
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: JoeyBananaduck on January 23, 2018, 10:10:10 AM
Bricks loaded in his pockets, the wee bairn who excelled in English class jumps in the canal and bids the world bye-bye for want of a cuddle and a bit of encouragement.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on January 23, 2018, 02:06:24 PM
A tinnitus sufferer suffers tinnitus for a bit, then goes to bed
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Sebastian Cobb on January 23, 2018, 08:02:55 PM
https://meatinfo.co.uk/news/fullstory.php/aid/22146/Fray_Bentos_pies_face_fan_fury_over__91no_meat_92_claims.html
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on January 23, 2018, 08:54:09 PM
Oscar Rousseau is the best name for a meat journalist imaginable.


Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Epic Bisto on January 23, 2018, 09:58:43 PM
Real life desolation courtesy of Chart Music:

A recently widowed mother attends her son's wedding, and demands to have the first dance with him, accompanied by "All By Myself" by Eric Carmen.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: the midnight watch baboon on January 23, 2018, 10:52:02 PM
Geoffrey's clotting piss is back guys.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on January 23, 2018, 11:21:59 PM
A gerontologist paws through a faded album of grotesques
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Glebe on January 23, 2018, 11:51:14 PM
A bored hedgehog fucks a bag of sherbet into the path of an oncoming vole.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: JoeyBananaduck on January 24, 2018, 01:45:12 AM
Noel's wife slumps off to bed in her sexiest lingerie, his favourite meal cold and untouched on the dining room table, his favourite bottle of wine drained but only by her. 'Shall I bother telling him I'm going to sleep or....no, sod it'.

From her side of the king size bed she can hear echoing up through the floorboards "And that's why it's important to understand that these are criminals, right Noel? Yes Noel, great point." Day 47.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on January 24, 2018, 01:47:56 PM
A sickly malcontent embezzles a steam threshing machine to no end effect.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: buttgammon on January 24, 2018, 03:30:53 PM
Geoffrey's clotting piss is back guys.

Even better when you realise it's obviously Geoffrey from Rainbow.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Foggy Buntwhistle on January 24, 2018, 04:18:50 PM
The wall is breathing, heavy sighs in and out. Mark can't help but stare, dread rising from the pits of his belly. He's pretty sure he hasn't taken any acid in 25 years. The wall keeps breathing, heavier now.

A swift attempts to fly through one of the holes in a chainlink fence but fucks it at the last minute and takes both its wings off. Lands in a lunchables packet.

Angus swings his golf club as hard as he can, and again and again and again and again and again and again, at nothing but air. His shoulder gives out after the 407th swing.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Berthas Fat Leg on January 24, 2018, 06:03:06 PM
3 minutes into a YouTube marathon of your favourite childhood shows, and you wish you were dead.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Berthas Fat Leg on January 24, 2018, 06:05:18 PM
You've had a shitey day at work and your best friend is a lump of bubblegum called Terry.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Foggy Buntwhistle on January 24, 2018, 10:12:17 PM
Terry leaps out of your gob and into a flushing toilet in a desperate bid to escape you.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Glebe on January 24, 2018, 11:04:19 PM
A parkie berates a frog for half and hour when no one is looking. It's the highlight of his sad day.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Glebe on January 25, 2018, 05:05:46 AM
A crow walks off in a huff after failing to nab the last worm in the dirtpile.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: JoeyBananaduck on January 25, 2018, 11:02:07 AM
"Urgh, look at this massive piece of dandruff that's just come off!"

"That's not dandruff, Barry, it's your scalp! Jesus Christ, I can see your fucking brain and everything!"
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: BlodwynPig on January 25, 2018, 02:26:25 PM

Angus swings his golf club as hard as he can, and again and again and again and again and again and again, at nothing but air. His shoulder gives out after the 407th swing.

There is no golf ball. He's in his bungalow living room.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Spoon of Ploff on January 25, 2018, 05:37:47 PM

Angus swings his golf club as hard as he can, and again and again and again and again and again and again, at nothing but air. His shoulder gives out after the 407th swing.

Ducking and diving, the damn kid was just too quick for him.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on January 25, 2018, 11:11:08 PM
A yak stares out a twig.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: the midnight watch baboon on January 25, 2018, 11:25:11 PM
A calamitous tench runs straight into a shitty pike's dorsals.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Gregory Torso on January 26, 2018, 02:38:42 AM
In a concrete-reinforced diving-bell deep below east Berlin, an old man's imaginary cat threatens to report him to the Stasi if he doesn't hand over the last pilchard.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Glebe on January 26, 2018, 02:56:02 AM
A man pours all his anger out on a garden fox while the neighbours watch in stunned and embarrassed silence.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on January 26, 2018, 05:36:52 PM
A speck on the map, a mote of dust on the merest fleck imperceptibly settling onto a nanoscopic pinhole in the infinite multiverse SHITS HIMSELF IN RHYL
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Berthas Fat Leg on January 26, 2018, 08:19:39 PM
A total dickweed is friendzoned by a fleshlight.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on January 26, 2018, 09:31:23 PM
A total dickweed is friendzoned by a fleshlight.

Last four words are magic
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Gregory Torso on January 26, 2018, 11:52:49 PM
Dr Harold Shipman (no relation) once again has his card declined at Boots.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on January 27, 2018, 07:43:12 AM
Paul inherits fishing tackle from a paedophile.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Spoon of Ploff on January 27, 2018, 08:07:51 AM
Thomas is airbrushed out of yet another set of wedding photographs.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on January 27, 2018, 08:24:25 AM
A man really gets into that pink mouthwash you get at the dentists.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Gregory Torso on January 27, 2018, 08:35:12 AM
Peter Sissons prints out his own banknotes with his face on them and chucks them at a child busker.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: FerriswheelBueller on January 27, 2018, 01:54:53 PM
The wallpaper paste contains a fairly potent nerve toxin but it’ll take the orphanage over a decade to work it out.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Glebe on January 27, 2018, 02:39:30 PM
Keith of Consett flings a Pop Tart at a passing traffic warden, in what is a clearly pathetic attempt to defy the system.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: FerriswheelBueller on January 27, 2018, 03:00:07 PM
The first few centimetres of tinsel are expelled and flushed away. Craig mops his brow.

“Just 12 more feet to go”, he says, to no one.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on January 27, 2018, 08:30:20 PM
Neil Buchanan has blood in his stools. Been that way for a while now. Won't go to the doctor though. Come on Neil. Go to a doctor.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Gregory Torso on January 27, 2018, 11:28:15 PM
As the child molester is led from the station,  hood over his head, Keith mistakes the crowd's jeers for cheers. "Go on, my son!" he screams.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Gregory Torso on January 28, 2018, 12:10:36 AM
A glansfly is permanently expelled from Miss Cuntingham's Academy For Gifted Insects.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: FerriswheelBueller on January 28, 2018, 02:38:47 AM
https://mobile.twitter.com/Danny_McMoomins/status/957218100079943680
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Spoon of Ploff on January 28, 2018, 07:20:23 PM
a Phil Collins lookalike lets the YouTubes choose the music he listens to.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on January 28, 2018, 08:49:47 PM
A fighting dog expires, the belated authorities arriving to inspect the fallen, most notably the dog "The Biggest Rape".

"Fuck sake", exclaims Dr. Collins. "I had fifty quid on that."



"Bin the cunt"
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on January 29, 2018, 12:11:51 AM
BrewDog in Leeds hosts a political meeting for centrists.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Glebe on January 29, 2018, 10:30:02 AM
A morbidly obese labourer rides a frightened sheep across a busy junction.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: JoeyBananaduck on January 29, 2018, 04:18:03 PM
One quick snap, the feeling of warm blood pooling into her hand and Lonely Brenda realises her icedocking experiment has gone decidedly awry.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Glebe on January 30, 2018, 10:32:42 AM
A rotten pumpkin is the miserable dessert course of a not-particularly edifying meal.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on January 30, 2018, 11:47:54 AM
A locksmith picks his nose with his skeleton key
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: drummersaredeaf on January 30, 2018, 01:17:58 PM
A calorie counting app marketed at anorexics is funded on Dragons' Den.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on January 30, 2018, 07:23:32 PM
Gaunt Leonard puts a cat stool to his lips.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: BlodwynPig on January 30, 2018, 10:51:38 PM
BrewDog in Leeds hosts a political meeting for centrists.

Wow. Sign o' t' times.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: BlodwynPig on January 30, 2018, 10:56:16 PM
Private Gene, back from the Vietnam war on medical grounds ("bumbling idiot"). "He's got that thousand millimetre stare" his friends whisper to one another. "
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: spamwangler on January 30, 2018, 11:17:31 PM
some gravel
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Gregory Torso on January 31, 2018, 03:06:07 AM
A big floppy cock bangs against a toy drum in a field-sweep for a missing child.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Gregory Torso on January 31, 2018, 03:11:12 AM
Bruce Grobelaar's toilet dairy, day 31: four small pellets, like maltesers.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Glebe on January 31, 2018, 11:07:03 AM
Bruce Grobelaar's toilet dairy, day 31: four small pellets, like maltesers.

Heh!

A cold, wet Tuesday. Out of toilet roll. And, oh fuck, the toilet's broken. He'll have to do it in the garden.

Hrrrrnnnn.... urrrrrgghhh!!! Fucking constipation!

"Oh, hello, Mrs. Gubbins! Nice morning for it! NO! Don't call the police... again."
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on January 31, 2018, 11:51:21 AM
A bellicose malcontent spends an hour in B&Q haggling over aggregate.

£0.39 p/keg saving obtained.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Glebe on February 01, 2018, 10:49:45 AM
"Oh here we go," bemoans Dad, swiping the morning's Daily Mail up off the doormat, "another wave of illegals."

He pops upstairs to trim his moustache. There's a boiled egg waiting for him in the kitchen.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on February 01, 2018, 01:20:31 PM
A pan-roasted turbot is used to excite a mons
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Spoon of Ploff on February 01, 2018, 01:43:56 PM
A white goods salesman can only get aroused during the 1400 RPM spin cycle of a Hotpoint Ultima FDD9640K Washer Dryer.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Glebe on February 01, 2018, 03:42:15 PM
Harold is in positive mood. "It's gonna be a good day!" he chirps, before switching on the news.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: JoeyBananaduck on February 01, 2018, 03:48:50 PM
A one legged goose steps in a huge pile of dog shit.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Fishfinger on February 01, 2018, 06:44:32 PM
A white goods salesman can only get aroused during the 1400 RPM spin cycle of a Hotpoint Ultima FDD9640K Washer Dryer.

A man bothers to fact-check a Deso thread mention of a washer dryer model number. 1400 RPM is actually the maximum spin speed.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Gregory Torso on February 01, 2018, 07:43:38 PM
A flash flood of slags hits a tossers convention.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: hamfist on February 01, 2018, 08:39:46 PM
An anus gives up as its host dies
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Gregory Torso on February 01, 2018, 09:01:05 PM
John Bishop comperes an aggressive pro-life organisation's fundraiser, erroneously believing it to be "some kind of yoghurt drink company, like".
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Glebe on February 02, 2018, 10:03:15 AM
Michael Portillo snears at a Roma.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: JoeyBananaduck on February 02, 2018, 11:44:24 AM
The fart you just let out is sentient. Takes a look at you. Disgusted. Dissipates.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: FerriswheelBueller on February 02, 2018, 12:46:21 PM
A well-intentioned parent lovingly buys their child the wrong type of trainers.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on February 02, 2018, 02:20:28 PM
A catarrh archivist loses his collection in high winds
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on February 02, 2018, 02:21:51 PM
Michael Portillo sneers at a Roma.

Laughed
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: derek stitt on February 02, 2018, 06:07:46 PM
A perverted Siberian loses the tip of his click to frostbite by trying to fuck the winter.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Glebe on February 02, 2018, 06:38:15 PM
An extremely repellent 55 year-old nerd coughs nervously at a police woman outside a smelly butchers.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on February 02, 2018, 08:50:12 PM
http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/world-asia-42916451

Fuck our imaginations, seriously fuck even trying when things like this go on
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Spoon of Ploff on February 03, 2018, 08:18:01 AM
http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/world-asia-42916451

Fuck our imaginations, seriously fuck even trying when things like this go on

I'm laughing and crying at the same time. I cannot determine where the joy ends and the gloom begins, and where the sadness stops and the glee starts. Close the thread. All else is dust.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Spoon of Ploff on February 03, 2018, 08:19:52 AM
That said.

"Christmas isn't Christmas 'till it happens in your heart
"Somewhere deep inside you is where Christmas really starts."


"Belt up George. It's sodding February already."

"Christmas isn't Christmas..."
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Glebe on February 03, 2018, 09:30:04 AM
'Emotional support peacock' barred from United Airlines plane. (http://www.bbc.com/news/world-us-canada-42880690)

That deserves it's own thread.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: JoeyBananaduck on February 03, 2018, 10:08:10 AM
That said.

"Christmas isn't Christmas 'till it happens in your heart
"Somewhere deep inside you is where Christmas really starts."


"Belt up George. It's sodding February already."

"Christmas isn't Christmas..."

That gets better/worse the deeper you think about it.

'Emotional support peacock' barred from United Airlines plane. (http://www.bbc.com/news/world-us-canada-42880690)

That deserves it's own thread.

Indeed!
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Glebe on February 03, 2018, 05:51:27 PM
A rotund scrounger sneezes all over a lot of Poundshop goods.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Gregory Torso on February 04, 2018, 05:58:59 AM
A frostbitten vintner bowls a scuppernong grape into the eye of a dead possum.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Glebe on February 04, 2018, 04:44:56 PM
Mark who works in a Nando's in Skegness takes a Monday stroll round a demolition site in the rain.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Glebe on February 05, 2018, 10:29:53 AM
A goose picks listlessly at a discarded Mars Bar in a run-down section of Cardiff.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on February 05, 2018, 11:47:17 AM
Trevor finds a batman costume from his old fathers for justice days and reflects how, on balance, he really was undeserving of access rights.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Gregory Torso on February 05, 2018, 12:27:34 PM
The rich, distinct smell of diarrhoea wafts around Heron Foods, uncommented upon.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: hamfist on February 05, 2018, 01:28:23 PM
Sally gets aroused and subsequently orgasms while hugging her disabled son during a bout of febrile convulsions.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: spamwangler on February 05, 2018, 10:53:23 PM
a man who thinks he has nothing to loose has a brief glimpse of a whole world of things to loose being flushed down the toilet

Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Angrew Lloyg Wegger on February 05, 2018, 11:33:46 PM
Getting arrested, thereby ruining your summer holiday to Peterborough
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Twit 2 on February 06, 2018, 07:20:34 AM
A Berkshire stable hand throttles a goose with an equine gastroscope.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: JoeyBananaduck on February 06, 2018, 08:31:15 AM
An unreconstructed 90s lager lout flips out when you accidentally tread on his packet of Nice N' Spicy Nik Naks.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: JoeyBananaduck on February 06, 2018, 08:40:08 AM
A 45 year old self-described 'lover of life and her mysteries. Amateur sleuth.' finally cracks The Mystery Of The Missing Friends.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Glebe on February 06, 2018, 10:57:11 AM
A Berkshire stable hand throttles a goose with an equine gastroscope.

Heh!
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on February 06, 2018, 12:47:08 PM
Cerberus The Terrible chokes on a paperclip
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: FerriswheelBueller on February 06, 2018, 12:59:57 PM
Getting arrested, thereby ruining your summer holiday to Peterborough

The trial collapses leaving a family devastated, but a trip to Peterborough intact.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Glebe on February 06, 2018, 01:18:20 PM
A lonely bus trip to Prestatyn is enlivened somewhat when a group of 'rambunctious' young urchins come aboard and proceed to mock and terrorise you.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Fishfinger on February 06, 2018, 09:16:46 PM
Drowned by builders.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Fishfinger on February 06, 2018, 09:32:38 PM
Disinterred by interns.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Fishfinger on February 06, 2018, 09:43:00 PM
Zero hours tooth extractor.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: derek stitt on February 06, 2018, 11:07:29 PM
A man who has everything replaces his eyelids with awning.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Kryton on February 08, 2018, 11:20:41 PM
(https://i.imgur.com/ETcQrU1.jpg)
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: FerriswheelBueller on February 08, 2018, 11:40:20 PM
(https://i.imgur.com/ETcQrU1.jpg)

“Like”
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on February 08, 2018, 11:47:35 PM
A water retention shut-in heralds an assortment of gloom-laded portents.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Kryton on February 09, 2018, 12:06:57 AM
Coma circus dwarf scooped out of Pierce Brosnan's arse.

'I forgot they were then from when I were Roger Moors' He said. 007.  Bang.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: FerriswheelBueller on February 09, 2018, 12:13:24 AM
I just saw a storefront sign that was pure desolation.

DIABETES SOCKS SALE: SINGLES OR PAIRS

Because if you’re buying socks due to your diabetes, you may only need one. This vendor knew the canny monoped-diabetic will only buy a single garment to make a saving (and to try and retain the other leg).
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: JoeyBananaduck on February 09, 2018, 07:15:05 AM
The rights to the name 'Wham!' legally default to Andrew Ridgeley, and he embarks on a thrilling tour of the nation's Haven Holiday camps. The posters boast 'featuring two of the original members who made all your favourite hits!', the second being a bloke called Toby 'Fingers' Langley, the session musician who played keyboards on two of their albums. The part of George Michael is played by either Rhydian from the X-Factor or George's second cousin Angelo depending on availability. New songs in the set include 3 songs from Ridgeley's unreleased 2002 solo album, and two tributes to George - the tearjerking 'Oh no (I Miss My Mate)' and 'Wham Rap 2018', a clubbed-up version of the original with a new verse added to reflect the sad circumstances of his death.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: drummersaredeaf on February 09, 2018, 01:37:58 PM
Loudly soiling yourself in the card aisle of Sainsbury's on Valentine's Day but still taking another minute or two to pick the right card before returning home to your angel.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Glebe on February 09, 2018, 04:10:47 PM
Nigel Havers has a panic attack in an Asda in Kent.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on February 09, 2018, 06:37:35 PM
Nigel Havers has a "when I last cum blood" jot book that is becoming worryingly light damaged and dog eared at the corners
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Glebe on February 09, 2018, 06:45:58 PM
Ron of Runcorn settles in with a steak and bake, a Betamax of The Best of Yes, Minister and his portable B&W TV. The steak and bake is cold and there is a smell of sewage from the broken pipe outside.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on February 09, 2018, 07:27:41 PM
Jez: What's that? Bit of blue for downtime?
Nigel Havers: Don't pigeon hole me dude. Barchester Chronicles. Ecclesiastical politics while you're high. These people really knew how to do a fucking number on each other
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Fishfinger on February 10, 2018, 05:49:59 PM
Darren celebrates his 70th by defrosting a Yorkshire pudding.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: FerriswheelBueller on February 10, 2018, 05:58:54 PM
Darren celebrates by defrosting his 70th Yorkshire pudding.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Glebe on February 10, 2018, 07:00:34 PM
A freezing Monday morning. Diarrhea! Depression! Yay!
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Sebastian Cobb on February 10, 2018, 07:37:38 PM
A 45 year-old man washes his gametes out of a fleshlight in his bedsit's washing basin. The water is cold.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Glebe on February 11, 2018, 01:33:18 AM
A creaky basin keeps all awake 'til dawn, when the cockerel won't shut it's fucking beak!
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Fishfinger on February 11, 2018, 01:46:02 AM
Darren celebrates by defrosting his 70th Yorkshire pudding.

Darren celebrates by defecating into his 70th Yorkshire pudding.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: JoeyBananaduck on February 11, 2018, 08:42:44 AM
Darren celebrates Yorkshire's 70th birthday by defecating pudding.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: derek stitt on February 12, 2018, 08:39:49 AM
Christy Brown sieg heils with his left foot.


Well i’ll Tell you what I want, what I really really want, I wanna ha, I wanna ha, really really really sieg a sieg heil.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on February 12, 2018, 12:54:45 PM
Darren puts another probable paedophile into his lynch database. It's a harmless terrific Grandad loved by all.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: BlodwynPig on February 12, 2018, 02:18:05 PM
Darren puts another probable paedophile into his lynch database. It's a harmless terrific Grandad loved by all.

which version of Excel does he use?
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: FerriswheelBueller on February 12, 2018, 02:21:02 PM
which version of Excel does he use?

LibreOffice OpenCalc
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Vodka Margarine on February 12, 2018, 06:42:46 PM
http://www.kentonline.co.uk/maidstone/news/father-denies-harming-baby-with-159978/

Quote
The baby, also called Tony Smith, was just 41 days old in 2014 when he was found to have suffered the fractures.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: seepage on February 12, 2018, 07:56:00 PM
http://www.kentonline.co.uk
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on February 12, 2018, 07:57:02 PM
which version of Excel does he use?

Your pc :(
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Glebe on February 12, 2018, 10:45:49 PM
"I never thought a duck could smell so bad," comments a friend, after you quack out a particularly nasty stinker.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Glebe on February 13, 2018, 08:01:35 AM
http://www.kentonline.co.uk/maidstone/news/father-denies-harming-baby-with-159978/

For fucks sake. Not on posting that here mate.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: derek stitt on February 13, 2018, 06:32:02 PM
“Oh look, your dog hasn’t a little pool of spunk inside his ass, just like his mummy, it’s sooooo cute, he thinks he’s human.”
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: ollyboro on February 13, 2018, 08:11:26 PM
A  flat-chested woman is given no fresh cream with her pancakes.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: dex on February 13, 2018, 08:29:25 PM
A flat pancake has no chested woman given with her fresh cream.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Namtab on February 13, 2018, 11:42:52 PM
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sPOMhqC-BB0
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on February 14, 2018, 02:07:02 PM
Excelsis is reached via a concrete slab dropped on his balls
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Namtab on February 14, 2018, 06:07:48 PM
A previously missing diary entry written by Oliver Postgate is discovered, in which he designs in precise detail the horrible death of each Clanger.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Cerys on February 14, 2018, 11:47:31 PM
His mood ring is blue.  It's lying.  He'd throw it away, but he can't get it off his cock.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Cerys on February 15, 2018, 12:08:52 AM
By the time she finally goes to see her GP, it's too late.  He rushes to have her cremated before her suspicious family can demand an investigation.  He knows he didn't poison her, but he hates the cunts.  Let 'em suffer, he thinks as he prepares the noose.  Not long now.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: BlodwynPig on February 15, 2018, 12:19:17 AM
Her bionic arse finally gives up midway through the Paralympic 20km walk. Paula Radcliffe hides a smirk.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Cerys on February 15, 2018, 01:03:11 AM
^ +1 karma.

Hector giggles as he drunkenly traps the seagull's legs in the lid of the wheely bin.  In the cold grey sobriety of the next morning he is greeted by the clouded, accusing eye of the dead bird.  He drops the binbag and lurches away in misery.  Just a prank, mate.  Just a prank.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Glebe on February 15, 2018, 01:04:08 AM
Hector giggles as he drunkenly traps the seagull's legs in the lid of the wheely bin.  In the cold grey sobriety of the next morning he is greeted by the clouded, accusing eye of the dead bird.  He drops the binbag and lurches away in misery.  Just a prank, mate.  Just a prank.

Generous Seagull... why does it always happen to the good people birds?
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: FerriswheelBueller on February 15, 2018, 03:01:24 AM
A Valentine’s Day meal deal at Toronto Pearson airport at 10.01pm EST.

Total takers: 7.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Cerys on February 15, 2018, 11:28:02 AM
Victoria Coren has an anxiety attack while attempting to conjugate the verb 'to cum'.  Husband David Mitchell sighs and switches off the video camera.  Too niche.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: drummersaredeaf on February 15, 2018, 02:25:57 PM
Too niche.

As was this desolation. I liked it.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on February 15, 2018, 03:38:35 PM
A torpid concierge watches a youtube video of a duck sliding across some ice.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Glebe on February 15, 2018, 05:32:02 PM
Fray Bentos produce a new food entitled 'Canned Stuff'.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Gregory Torso on February 15, 2018, 06:06:38 PM
A chemically-unwell man lobs a frozen hunk of Christmas cake at an exhausted moorhen.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Gregory Torso on February 15, 2018, 07:34:40 PM
An over-enthusiastic junior weave specialist does "The Worm" across the floor of an Allied Carpets showroom; he dies of first degree rugburn two days later.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Cerys on February 15, 2018, 07:40:01 PM
As was this desolation. I liked it.

Thankyou muchly :)
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Cerys on February 15, 2018, 09:22:58 PM
She doesn't get it.  The patches of paint come off the wall when her dad sands them hard enough, so why doesn't it work when she does the same with the port wine stain birthmark on her face?
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Namtab on February 15, 2018, 10:17:52 PM
Andy Rourke of The Smiths fame does a bandless solo tour entitled 'One Man and his Bass'.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Cerys on February 15, 2018, 10:35:47 PM
Nobody books any tickets apart from Mr Gilsby the landlord, chasing those rent arrears.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Namtab on February 16, 2018, 12:07:30 AM
Johnny Marr's only response is to like a random fan's tweet taking the piss out of the whole ordeal.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Gregory Torso on February 16, 2018, 12:23:44 AM
Martin Clunes acquires dysentery after drinking out of a tree at a Skellingthorpe burial site.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Cerys on February 16, 2018, 01:26:14 AM
Stonehenge is discovered to have been a film prop since 1957.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Glebe on February 16, 2018, 02:46:35 AM
Holmfirth is wiped off the map, thanks to an incident involving a fusion reactor and a bathtub.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: madhair60 on February 16, 2018, 03:01:15 PM
A keyword-based Government web-sweep results in the closure of a popular comedy forum.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: derek stitt on February 16, 2018, 04:34:17 PM
You can only vote if you are a registered sex offender. Your parliamentary constituency returns Sidney Cook as an M.P. with a majority of 35,000.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Spoon of Ploff on February 16, 2018, 04:39:24 PM
A skinflint feels vindicated in buying second hand school uniforms for her kids when their minibus explodes on the A249 killing everyone on board.

Albert blinks in front of a mirror, failing to apply the full windsor knot to his tie. It's been an hour so far. He's going to be late to his grand daughters wedding at this rate. If only his dear wife was still alive. She would have told him not to be such a silly sod. She's also have told him the wedding was eight years ago... and it wasn't a tie he was using, it was a pair of his heavily soiled underpants.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Cerys on February 16, 2018, 04:56:24 PM
If only the baby would latch on, she thinks as she pushes her nipple into its mouth.  If only it would feed.

The cat, bored to the point of catatonia, endures this indignity with stoicism.  He can always eat her once she finally succumbs to the dementia.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Gregory Torso on February 16, 2018, 06:23:37 PM
George Alagiah's car stereo chews up Huw Edwards' Primus tape.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Gregory Torso on February 16, 2018, 06:27:14 PM
Huw Edwards deliberately scratches George Alagiah's Wishbone Ash LP.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on February 16, 2018, 06:27:26 PM
A fruity pays out in tapeworms
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Cerys on February 16, 2018, 06:44:48 PM
The tapeworms were clearly alive when they went into the machine - but now their decomposing tangle just soils everything it touches.  Gary shrugs and pockets them anyway.  A win's a win.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Spoon of Ploff on February 16, 2018, 06:53:54 PM
A crisp worshiping cult from Lincoln commits mass suicide when the final packet of Burton's Fish 'N' Chips reaches it's 'Best Before' date.

Simon Le Bon feels a little depressed after finding a stash of early demo tapes and converting them to MP3 files.

Kevin Leith's collection of online abuse images wins the 2017 UK e-Efficiency award for file collection, categorization, and redistribution.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on February 16, 2018, 07:02:51 PM
The tapeworms were clearly alive when they went into the machine - but now their decomposing tangle just soils everything it touches.  Gary shrugs and pockets them anyway.  A win's a win.

Smirked. Did a little shoulder scrunch as well. Nice.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Glebe on February 16, 2018, 07:05:39 PM
Harold the Tabby refuses his Kattomeat in protest at being considered "the pet" of the family.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Dannyhood91 on February 16, 2018, 08:41:06 PM
Just overheard IRL desolation in a pub

Drunk middle aged man: “ME MARRIAGE BROKE DOWN. LIVE IN A HOTEL NOW”

He wasn’t talking to anyone specific.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Cerys on February 16, 2018, 09:11:07 PM
Smirked. Did a little shoulder scrunch as well. Nice.

Eyethangyou.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on February 16, 2018, 09:14:11 PM
Just overheard IRL desolation in a pub

Drunk middle aged man: “ME MARRIAGE BROKE DOWN. LIVE IN A HOTEL NOW”

He wasn’t talking to anyone specific.

Fruity listen

Fruity never says off home
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Glebe on February 17, 2018, 02:09:29 AM
A lonely arsehole goes on a cocaine bender around the miserable outskirts of a particularly nasty village.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on February 17, 2018, 03:46:22 AM
Terry develops Greyscale, even though that's just an illness made up in a book series.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Glebe on February 17, 2018, 06:10:54 AM
Michael the Twat tosses a large watermelon at a nearby arse.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Gregory Torso on February 17, 2018, 09:47:45 AM
A rudder-faced lad who used to give you dead dicks at school comes up to you ten years later in Market Rasen and calls you "a dead ace laugh" as he plunges his ground dirt shovel hand into the middle of your chippy tea, rendering it inedible.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Gregory Torso on February 17, 2018, 09:52:11 AM
As your drab puff-faced clabberhag landlady screams herself into diarrhoea about the Poles coming over and eatiing the ducks off the park lake, you wonder if you just went outside and lay down in the flowerbeds and stayed there all night, would that be enough to switch it all off?
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Spoon of Ploff on February 17, 2018, 11:40:08 AM
The dead fox at the bottom of the garden has been there for a least a week now. The though of it is ruining your enjoyment of the latest episode of Nature Watch
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Cerys on February 17, 2018, 01:00:49 PM
'It's Sunday, you fucking cunt!' screams Pope Francis as he bludgeons the alarm clock.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Glebe on February 17, 2018, 02:24:43 PM
A knee developes eyes and a mouth and cannot take it.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Spoon of Ploff on February 17, 2018, 04:59:59 PM
Henry's always had a song in his heart, but after an eight hour operation surgeons were finally able to remove it. Unfortunately they missed the spring in his step and he died from sepsis five days later.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: spamwangler on February 17, 2018, 06:51:03 PM
The tail end of a mid life crisis:

After burning every single bridge with anyone left alive capable of forming any true affection for him, an un-fuckable Husk jostles for position at a Wednesday night meat market, one rejection away from sudden, brutal sentience of his undeniable redundance

The following morning 1992 Masda Rx-7 glistens briefly in the beachy head sunrise, pirouetting through the sky towards the sea




Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: spamwangler on February 17, 2018, 06:56:39 PM
Two local police officers set fire to a local 'character's caravan.

A community thinks they just want closure, but they havent seen the content of this fucking cunt's harddrive. better this way for all alive
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Nice Relaxing Poo on February 17, 2018, 09:21:28 PM
A down on his luck Bob Carolgees is pelted with chicken dippers and empty Monster cans whilst performing at a kids party in Dewsbury.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Glebe on February 17, 2018, 10:20:56 PM
Keith of Maidstone is planning a romantic picnic with a stolen pony.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: spamwangler on February 17, 2018, 10:36:57 PM
a language based misunderstanding leads to both the bummer and the bumee wishing they were somewhere else
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Glebe on February 17, 2018, 10:51:01 PM
"Enjoying that new, expensive computer we bought you, son?"

"Yes, dad! Ive been sitting here staring at Windows Excel for three hours, huh, it's really great!"

"You spotty little herbert. She should have aborted."
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Cuntbeaks on February 18, 2018, 12:35:32 AM
A man places a 10 team accy on Bet365 during his daughter's funeral.

A Wetherspoons cock watcher.

A middle aged teacher from Hove refers to a group of black children as 'Niglets'
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Cerys on February 18, 2018, 04:17:34 AM
Midnight.  She still isn't home.  Ah well.  Time for another wank.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Cerys on February 18, 2018, 04:25:37 AM
Words With Friends.  Solo play.  Opponent timed out.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Glebe on February 18, 2018, 05:07:36 AM
Nigel Mansell sits in his kitchenette playing solitare on his Acorn computer. "It's like the space age!"
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Gregory Torso on February 18, 2018, 10:35:04 AM
Three months into his marriage, Peter spends a Saturday on mspaint cutting out the faces of the bridesmaids at his wedding and pasting them onto pictures of sexy lady dancers.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: gout_pony on February 18, 2018, 11:00:24 AM
A woman with OCD buys a protein pot containing pre-peeled eggs to eat in the cinema.

In the cinema's toilets one of the eggs falls out of her bag, rolls across the toilet floor and picks up a single pube as it rolls.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Cerys on February 18, 2018, 11:40:23 AM
Gerald the pubic hair re-enacts the famous boulder scene from Raiders of the Lost Ark.  It does not go well for him.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: BlodwynPig on February 18, 2018, 01:49:49 PM
The tail end of a mid life crisis:

After burning every single bridge with anyone left alive capable of forming any true affection for him, an un-fuckable Husk jostles for position at a Wednesday night meat market, one rejection away from sudden, brutal sentience of his undeniable redundance

The following morning 1992 Masda Rx-7 glistens briefly in the beachy head sunrise, pirouetting through the sky towards the sea






The last line is unbelievably good.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Glebe on February 18, 2018, 05:08:52 PM
Harold Glumpster of Shittington Row, Cleethorpes spends a lovely overcast Tuesday sifting through the remnants of his fag end collection.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Angrew Lloyg Wegger on February 18, 2018, 05:52:31 PM
https://www.cambridge-news.co.uk/news/cambridge-news/fried-chicken-take-away-cambridge-14306316 (https://www.cambridge-news.co.uk/news/cambridge-news/fried-chicken-take-away-cambridge-14306316)

Quote
If you're desperate to feed your fried chicken cravings but are lost without KFC we've got you covered.

With Cambridge's two KFCs shut because of a lack of chicken and chips it's time to discover some new fried food delights.

Here are some of the other fried chicken takeaways in Cambridge

A person identifies with these sentiments
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on February 18, 2018, 08:42:59 PM
(http://blog.ninapaley.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/01/Goddess_gif_small_21.gif)
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Cerys on February 18, 2018, 08:52:36 PM
Emmet gazes at his latest animation, both his heart and his penis swelling with pride.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Cuntbeaks on February 18, 2018, 09:42:00 PM
A China Buffet King all dayer washed down with a few pints of Baileys.

Saveloy and chips on the way home.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Spoon of Ploff on February 19, 2018, 07:47:55 AM
A fifty year old wearing a The Simpsons Did It t-shirt suffers a nervous breakdown at a job center in Bournemouth.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Spoon of Ploff on February 19, 2018, 07:49:27 AM

The following morning 1992 Masda Rx-7 glistens briefly in the beachy head sunrise, pirouetting through the sky towards the sea


Noice motahh.... Shame.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: batwings on February 19, 2018, 04:06:06 PM
At the start of Lent, Jim Davidson considers giving up being a racist for 40 days but then immediately thinks of a Japanese landlord joke.

An aerial fitter's finger bursts open a used condom secreted inside a baby's shoe in the gutter of a Yeovil terrace.

A former Minipops star phones to reschedule her chemotherapy appointment.




Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Glebe on February 19, 2018, 04:08:39 PM
Craig of Wiltshire decides to arrange his collection of milk bottle tops on a busy junction.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Cerys on February 19, 2018, 08:34:37 PM
Craig of Somerset chooses the same day and the same junction to arrange his collection of lolly sticks.  The result is a mass pile-up, with seventeen dead.  A single crushed milk bottle top blows in the breeze.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: derek stitt on February 19, 2018, 08:36:59 PM
Some roadkill reminds you of your favourite childhood shit stain

When you cast a shadow it always seems to spell, ‘wogs out’.

You lose a hand in a car accident. The hand comes back to life and starts writing novels for Jeffrey Archer.

Blimfk.

Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Glebe on February 19, 2018, 11:29:17 PM
Michael likes gunge. It's his favourite thing.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Glebe on February 20, 2018, 04:59:03 AM
Mike used to be the local joker round here, and now he's back! He was sectioned, but has clearly escaped... there he is, running naked along the dual carriageway! OI MIKE, YOU HAVEN'T LOST IT, MATE! YOU HAVEN'T LOST IT!
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Glebe on February 21, 2018, 08:11:22 AM
A conversation with a carrot ends badly for Ernie, who no longer knows his limit as far as hallucinogens are concerned.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Gregory Torso on February 21, 2018, 09:19:10 AM
Birthday at KFC. Ran out of drinks. Drink gravy. Mum told the wrong day. No one here. Balloons smell like dad's raincoat.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: FerriswheelBueller on February 21, 2018, 10:12:52 AM
LIDL: official supermarket of the England team.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: FerriswheelBueller on February 21, 2018, 10:13:56 AM
A grammatical error on a tombstone.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: FerriswheelBueller on February 21, 2018, 10:15:28 AM
An old dear is swindled out of her life savings by a (seemingly) kindly beagle she met on a dog adoption website.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Foggy Buntwhistle on February 21, 2018, 12:42:52 PM
MAd eyed and sweating Pete squirms along the pub floor and into the pissy bog, writhes in the trough urinal. Hard as diamonds.

Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Berthas Fat Leg on February 21, 2018, 04:58:47 PM
A smackhead gets everything she wished for.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Berthas Fat Leg on February 21, 2018, 04:59:41 PM
A superb Hancock's Half Hour reference is lost on a classroom of cretinous millennials.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Glebe on February 22, 2018, 10:55:02 AM
The last Rolo has a worm in it.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Gregory Torso on February 22, 2018, 11:16:56 AM
Sit at the table all expectant like. The man with the bucket comes round again, big salt sweat ring on his shirt. There's yer tea. Bucket of gravy with a single chip floating in it.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: derek stitt on February 22, 2018, 11:26:39 AM
The self proclaimed Welsh Marilyn Monroe, Lauren Harries is fucked senseless in a Boris Johnson political clan orgy, she doesn’t use this event to seek publicity.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Cerys on February 22, 2018, 03:26:28 PM
Shopping ordered.  Six bottles of wine, a box of Fruit 'n' Fibre, and a bag of washing sachets.  The weekend awaits.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Foggy Buntwhistle on February 22, 2018, 09:13:46 PM
In a bid to outdo other youtube pranksters a 14 year old with a face like a turbot sticks a Persil sachet up himself and films the results.

Gently fizzes to death out his arse like a fetal berocca. Brown and red bubbles froth.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Cerys on February 23, 2018, 12:14:45 AM
Goatee wipes a tear from his eye.  His time is over.  A new generation.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Spoon of Ploff on February 23, 2018, 09:20:07 AM
A man spends his day sat in his pants in front of his 'puter watching internet meme compilations. What better way to celebrate his new job as a G4S officer?

Ha.. That little red 'do you know de way' fella never gets old.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: FerriswheelBueller on February 23, 2018, 09:28:14 AM
A man remembers how much he enjoys the M5 southbound past Bromsgrove.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Spoon of Ploff on February 23, 2018, 09:40:32 AM
A man remembers how much he enjoys the M5 southbound past Bromsgrove.

I like where it joins up with the M6.. soo much time to be still and marinate in your thoughts whilst that black dog you didn't know you had barks continually from the back seat... pausing only to piss, shit, and vomit.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Cerys on February 23, 2018, 12:40:59 PM
Goatse wipes a tear from his eye.  His time is over.  A new generation.

FTFM
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Gregory Torso on February 23, 2018, 03:44:53 PM
A swarthy carbon brick of a man coal scuttles kitten skulls into the roaring furnace of a perpetual ponce engine.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on February 23, 2018, 05:25:17 PM
A drain hobbyist cuts his chode on a discarded safety notice.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Cerys on February 24, 2018, 02:39:47 AM
The Nytol and gin didn't work.  Okay, Gran - it's hammer time.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Gregory Torso on February 24, 2018, 04:02:30 PM
An all-polyester bogling contest quickly becomes untenable.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Glebe on February 24, 2018, 08:43:00 PM
A sandpaper pwns a nascent twitcher.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Cerys on February 24, 2018, 09:10:57 PM
He really needs to piss.  Sod it - finish this level.  She'll clean it all up if necessary.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on February 25, 2018, 12:05:14 AM
A golfer refers to a homosexual as a "gaym'n."
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Gregory Torso on February 25, 2018, 03:14:47 AM
A sexually-starved project manager beats his penis into an ornamental stump after scope creep annihilates his already teetering marriage.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Bazooka on February 25, 2018, 04:01:37 AM
Michael who lives in a bungalow, falls to his death retrieving a fully loaded condom from the guttering which has blocked the drainage.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Gregory Torso on February 25, 2018, 04:06:10 AM
Simon Groom dares Peter Duncan to join Isis.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Gregory Torso on February 25, 2018, 06:04:13 AM
An ambivalent ephebophile becomes the Official CBeebies Twitter spokesperson.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Gregory Torso on February 25, 2018, 06:05:33 AM
In an equestrian-themed brothel, Des Lynam specifically picks out a girl who looks like she won't be able to support his weight.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on February 25, 2018, 08:12:51 AM
Leominster's cryer announces his apathy to the plight of the Rohingya, then punches a butty through his face.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Gregory Torso on February 25, 2018, 09:12:56 AM
After a "dry" spell Pete finally retracts his foreskin to find seven of last summer's thunderflies stuck there in the smegma-melt preserved like prehistoric insects in shit amber
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Berthas Fat Leg on February 25, 2018, 11:26:40 AM
A priceless Lowry is spat on by a bum-wit.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Gregory Torso on February 25, 2018, 11:51:44 AM
A Crohn's sufferer's semi-colon quivers out a flint of dark waste onto the nano-penis of a struck-off gastroenterologist.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Gregory Torso on February 25, 2018, 11:57:24 AM
A horny ornithologist gives a pound coin to a swan.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Cerys on February 25, 2018, 01:01:46 PM
A swan chokes to death.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Glebe on February 25, 2018, 10:26:25 PM
Ned Glumpipes slomps out of bed and puts his foot in the po.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Cerys on February 26, 2018, 12:34:23 AM
Edgar attempts to recreate the Human Centipede, using only himself and his supply of roadkill.  The taste of Tiddles' putrefying anus gives him a hard-on.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Glebe on February 26, 2018, 03:46:54 AM
Ricky Gervais turns up at your party.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Spoon of Ploff on February 26, 2018, 10:44:20 AM
On clearing house a man discovers two folders full of his A level art work from 30 years ago.The profound pleasure he experiences in destroying it all surprises him.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: derek stitt on February 26, 2018, 08:27:02 PM
Having to tell a relationship counsellor that you won’t perform oral sex on your girlfriend because her vaginal lips look like a false nose, ha cha cha cha.

Half true desolation from over a decade ago.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Vodka Margarine on February 26, 2018, 08:29:55 PM
The 'You Buy One, You Get One Free' window advert man is mobbed by students on his way to see a kidney stone specialist.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on February 26, 2018, 09:39:11 PM
A heron isn't supposed to rust, but this one really has.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: FerriswheelBueller on February 26, 2018, 10:46:13 PM
A heron isn't supposed to rust, but this one really has.

Laughed
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: derek stitt on February 27, 2018, 12:07:44 AM
A heron isn't supposed to rust, but this one really has.

Thank you for this. Have just asked a humourless know all  to name an animal that rusts. I suspect I will get a serious reply.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Glebe on February 27, 2018, 02:00:37 AM
Yes, well done Shoulders.

A bucket of worms enlivens an otherwise fucking dreadful trip to Whitley Bay.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Cerys on February 27, 2018, 06:26:13 AM
A heron isn't supposed to rust, but this one really has.

Close the thread.  We have a winner.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Twit 2 on February 27, 2018, 06:45:34 AM
Real life one, from last time I was round my mate’s, playing backgammon.

Me: I’ve been thinking a lot lately about killing myself.
Him: Yeah, you said.

Game continues.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Cerys on February 27, 2018, 07:00:21 AM
Don't kill yourself.  It is a silly thing to do.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on February 27, 2018, 09:50:19 AM
A game of backgammon is enlivened by the appearance of a woodlouse. The players quickly turn their attention to its travel, placing bets on how quickly it will reach the skirting board.

54 seconds says Dairmuid - tenner in
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on February 27, 2018, 09:52:39 AM
The inconpetent pan searing of a steak is prematurely aborted due to a gas leak. It flops onto the cooker like a dying swan. A greasy oily ovoid swan made of horse.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Glebe on February 27, 2018, 10:16:32 AM
A goose looses its shit over a potted plant.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: FerriswheelBueller on February 27, 2018, 12:41:31 PM
Cold shower, hot towels, warm beer.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Twit 2 on February 27, 2018, 07:17:32 PM
Don't kill yourself.  It is a silly thing to do.

I doubt I will, as my daughter would be quite put out, I reckon. Still, life’s a ball ache.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Foggy Buntwhistle on February 27, 2018, 08:34:26 PM
"OOOoooohhh NNOOooooo! NOT ME GOODY GOODY GUBBINS!"

Ethelbert howls, as his extensive worm collection gets slurped down by a malnourished Ferret.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Sebastian Cobb on February 27, 2018, 10:06:37 PM
They only found his rotting corpse because a bayliff working on behalf of British Gas kicked his door in.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on February 27, 2018, 10:16:31 PM
A sack of spelt finally swings it after two hours, and Richard drag homes the Haitian child to fuck and kill
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Glebe on February 28, 2018, 03:24:45 AM
Keith, of 24, Fucknut Lane, Hartlepool, is donating his life savings to a new campaign called 'Stop Them Immigrants!'
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: dex on February 28, 2018, 07:24:18 AM
A heron isn't supposed to rust, but this one really has.

A rusted wanker heron.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: spamwangler on February 28, 2018, 11:46:39 PM
cant remember if i read this one, already posted it myself or what, but it keeps drifting into my brain, so here it goes maybe again;
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: spamwangler on February 28, 2018, 11:50:46 PM
A man, after removing five Scarface posters from the spare bedroom, puts up a baby blue wallpaper with ducks and bears on it.
His face wet with tears, glistening in the setting sun
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Glebe on March 01, 2018, 04:18:27 AM
A rotten fig jams up a otherwise-unblocked exhaust pipes.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Cerys on March 01, 2018, 01:40:38 PM
A man, after removing five Scarface posters from the spare bedroom, puts up a baby blue wallpaper with ducks and bears on it.
His face wet with tears, glistening in the setting sun

Ten months later he puts the posters back up again.  Seeing the ducks and bears is just too painful since that horrible, scream-filled morning.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on March 01, 2018, 01:45:42 PM
Jealousy is used as a pretext to disfigure a fibrotic assessor.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Sebastian Cobb on March 01, 2018, 02:54:52 PM
PARKLIFE!
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: buttgammon on March 01, 2018, 04:21:11 PM
Johnny Vegas is stranded at Dublin Airport, and has just been interviewed on Irish TV about it.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Glebe on March 02, 2018, 01:42:56 AM
Johnny Vegas gets stranded at Dublin airport.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Cerys on March 02, 2018, 03:22:33 AM
Snow scours a window in a grey, English seaside town.  Herbert sniffs.  It's the wrong kind of snow.  The glorious fat flakes of his childhood will never come again.  He throws another photo album on the fire.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Glebe on March 02, 2018, 03:29:18 AM
Your satnav leads you down Shittington Way.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: FerriswheelBueller on March 02, 2018, 03:39:43 AM
Jonathan Ross and Ricky Gervais driving around with the windows down; Blur’s Song #2 blaring from the stereo.

Laughing and laughing and laughing.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: drummersaredeaf on March 02, 2018, 09:57:00 AM
You drive past your dad who is shouting "THERE IS NO GOD!" at traffic, but decide not to stop to do anything about it.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: spamwangler on March 02, 2018, 09:58:33 AM
You drive past your dad who is shouting "THERE IS NO GOD!" at traffic, but decide not to stop to do anything about it.

"The only person you've convinced of that is me" you think
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Cerys on March 02, 2018, 02:14:49 PM
Tuesday.  Drop the kids at school, quick trip to the petrol station, torch the oncology ward.  Serve the slapheaded cunts right.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on March 02, 2018, 02:41:55 PM
A coastal town in Kent makes the national papers, the biggest story since its inscription in the Domesday Book.

Barry has invented a home baldness cure.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Twit 2 on March 02, 2018, 04:24:10 PM
A senior consultant’s rectal specialisms are called into question by a chaffinch.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: drummersaredeaf on March 02, 2018, 05:02:48 PM
Tuesday.  Drop the kids at school, quick trip to the petrol station, torch the oncology ward.  Serve the slapheaded cunts right.

Sofie Hagen's baldism is really beginning to show.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: spamwangler on March 02, 2018, 05:08:58 PM
Ten months later he puts the posters back up again.  Seeing the ducks and bears is just too painful since that horrible, scream-filled morning.

devastating return
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Shameless Custard on March 02, 2018, 10:36:13 PM
Paul Ross is currently unloading the dishwasher. There's one plate inside. And a 2-pint beer glass

Paul Ross has tears in his eyes
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Cerys on March 03, 2018, 12:34:23 AM
The halitosis won't go away.  He's almost glad.  He doesn't know who he'd be without it.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: BlodwynPig on March 03, 2018, 01:08:26 AM
Paul Ross is currently unloading the dishwasher. There's one plate inside. And a 2-pint beer glass

Paul Ross has tears in his eyes

Leave it out! he's put his past behind him and is currently negotiating a new TV deal with Living.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: FerriswheelBueller on March 03, 2018, 01:11:35 AM
Leave it out! he's put his past behind him and is currently negotiating a new TV deal with Living.

He’s bounced back! People bounce back!
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: BlodwynPig on March 03, 2018, 01:32:22 AM
He’s bounced back! People bounce back!

Coming Soon to Living TV: Paul Ross' Bouncing Back, a brand new gameshow for the nonceties.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: derek stitt on March 03, 2018, 03:59:06 AM
Sorry if it snow related but:

Being quite steadfast about workers having the right to stay home from work if the weather is overly adverse. Two hours later complain that the take away you ordered to be delivered arrived late and was cold.


This amalgamation of posts, from the same person on the same day, has made me really rather angry even though it’s mildly amusing satire.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: spamwangler on March 03, 2018, 09:23:44 AM
32 years old, never tore down a lidl
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on March 03, 2018, 11:19:10 AM
After a hasty rim, Joan heads in to town with a client's shit on her upper lip.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: FerriswheelBueller on March 03, 2018, 01:22:50 PM
A van full of cheap bread and discount meat speeds through the night to make up the panic-bought shortfall at the Aldridge branch of Lidl.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on March 03, 2018, 02:15:48 PM
An inconsequential dinner date falls through
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: FerriswheelBueller on March 03, 2018, 02:28:05 PM
A rubbish slag heap stops bothering.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Gregory Torso on March 03, 2018, 02:32:31 PM
Barbara watches her husband slowly, surgically, become a pelican.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: FerriswheelBueller on March 03, 2018, 02:37:09 PM
32 years old, never tore down a lidl

Tragically Hip “lost demos should remain lost”, says Downie

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DbIZ1IuqCzU
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Dannyhood91 on March 03, 2018, 09:46:09 PM
Breastfeeding the inlaws.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Dannyhood91 on March 03, 2018, 09:46:51 PM
A solemn meal with your ex girlfriends autisic son
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Dannyhood91 on March 03, 2018, 09:47:45 PM
Making the most of a 15 second hard on in a commute
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Twit 2 on March 03, 2018, 11:29:06 PM
A man sees how much like a parrot he can sound when squawking the word ‘Macaw.’
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Cerys on March 03, 2018, 11:31:19 PM
Donald wakes from the nightmare, shuddering.  He pulls his hands from under the covers.  Still small.  Still freakishly small.   He consoles himself as he usually does when the dream wakes him.  "They're big enough to press the button," he mumbles.  "They're the best hands for button-pushing."
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Glebe on March 04, 2018, 05:02:51 AM
Arnold of Suffolk counts every single blade of grass in the garden. Saturday night sorted.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Gregory Torso on March 04, 2018, 12:27:08 PM
A man goes searching for the Fountain of Youth and ends up at a fountain in Louth.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Gregory Torso on March 04, 2018, 01:45:50 PM
Pallbearers at Barry Chuckle's funeral are unable to stop themselves from doing a "to me, to you" bit.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Fishfinger on March 04, 2018, 11:17:55 PM
Laurence Tolhurst catches sight of himself while retrieving a pork pie from a Tesco fridge unit. Long pause. Pays by credit card.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Fishfinger on March 05, 2018, 02:43:01 PM
A disappointing child kicks the leg off a frozen dog.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Namtab on March 05, 2018, 03:42:40 PM
(https://image.ibb.co/hk35TS/Desolation.png)
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Glebe on March 05, 2018, 06:07:43 PM
A man eventually realises he looks absolutely nothing like Del-Boy and chooses to 'impersonate' somebody else.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: JoeyBananaduck on March 06, 2018, 04:17:03 AM
A 5th rate Rodney impersonator realises a Generous Seagull is taking pity on him and trying to provide him with material.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Glebe on March 06, 2018, 06:02:09 AM
A 5th rate Rodney impersonator realises a Generous Seagull is taking pity on him and trying to provide him with material.

In addition, he drops a cheque down to Rodney with a loud "Caw!" It's just as well, as he doesn't get as big a share of the profits from the coach thing as 'Del-Boy'.

However, the cheque bounces - right off Rodney's head and straight into the pocket of Basil Fawlty.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Glebe on March 06, 2018, 03:54:25 PM
Gareth of Hove decides not to join his friends on a fantastic night out, and instead stays home lovingly dismantling a Tunnock's Tea Cake before consuming it in a gently erotic manner.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Norton Canes on March 07, 2018, 12:22:10 PM
Are we allowed pictures?

(https://ichef.bbci.co.uk/news/976/cpsprodpb/D780/production/_100286155_danthompson7554399408_6bc048b48c_k.jpg)
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on March 07, 2018, 03:47:22 PM
Yes, the background looks bleak an all
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: JoeyBananaduck on March 07, 2018, 03:59:14 PM
Mother's day is celebrated by getting blind drunk on cheap whiskey and burning family photos. And that's just what she's doing.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Norton Canes on March 07, 2018, 04:08:10 PM
Yes, the background looks bleak an all

Plus, it's in Kent.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: dex on March 07, 2018, 05:47:27 PM
Buggery taking place with the Jeremy Vine show playing in the background.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: the midnight watch baboon on March 07, 2018, 11:07:56 PM
Six men in in Meat Loaf t-shirts watch a fool mop up his semen with a dry Brillo pad.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: derek stitt on March 08, 2018, 02:00:57 AM
“No, Geoffrey I don’t think our guests are as interested in your piles as your are, can you pull up your pants and trousers now poppet.”
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Dannyhood91 on March 08, 2018, 03:26:43 PM
A beautiful sunset is ruined by a loud spastic lad.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: H-O-W-L on March 08, 2018, 04:03:58 PM
A cold Monday morning picking litter in a ruined Victorian fort.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: FerriswheelBueller on March 08, 2018, 04:31:29 PM
Turds. Big ones.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: H-O-W-L on March 08, 2018, 04:39:42 PM
Treading in a puddle of cold piss in the bathroom at three in the morning.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: JoeyBananaduck on March 08, 2018, 08:02:49 PM
Turds. Big ones.

Heaped up by the plateful.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: dex on March 08, 2018, 08:51:47 PM
A daft cunt eats newspaper.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: the midnight watch baboon on March 08, 2018, 09:36:35 PM
Raj dons the wallpaper cloak he's ripped from the hallway, and announces his breakdown to piped calypso backing.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Glebe on March 09, 2018, 05:42:32 AM
A frog narrates the life story of a beetle. No one listens.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Foggy Buntwhistle on March 09, 2018, 06:47:03 AM
"Oh dear."

The only response she has left, listening to him barrack on and on and on about his shite job and boring cunt colleagues.

They never do find the cause of death.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Spoon of Ploff on March 09, 2018, 08:40:19 AM
The singer in a U2 tribute  band loses his shades in a fight with some millennial goths.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: H-O-W-L on March 09, 2018, 11:05:26 AM
Dry mud.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: dex on March 09, 2018, 11:46:41 AM
No one is impressed with John's elaborate bike creation complete with reciprocating dildo saddle for the rider.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: FerriswheelBueller on March 09, 2018, 12:24:47 PM
Oprah v Trump 2020.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: JoeyBananaduck on March 09, 2018, 12:35:56 PM
After trying every week for 42 years, Nigel finally completes a Sunday Times Crytic Crossword. He has nobody to tell who would care, and his brief moment of elation is followed by months of depression. Perhaps his late wife Joan would have at least feigned enthusiasm for his minor achievement. Or maybe not. She was, after all, always asking why they had to stay cooped up in the house on a Sunday.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Twit 2 on March 09, 2018, 11:24:30 PM
Trevor puts his severed anus up for sale on Craigslist. The only replies are bots.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on March 09, 2018, 11:54:53 PM
Liv shagged Mick 2k11
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: seepage on March 10, 2018, 11:13:36 AM
Trevor puts his severed anus up for sale on Craigslist. The only replies are bots.

another bot shows interest in Trevor's bot
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Glebe on March 10, 2018, 11:21:56 AM
A man goes to a Robbie Williams concert on his own. 54, he is.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: FerriswheelBueller on March 10, 2018, 12:04:59 PM
A rusty tin of kronenbourg in a layby. Unopened. Mmmmmm.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: dex on March 10, 2018, 01:23:34 PM
The glint in Thom Yorke's boss eye when he thinks he has written something to teach us all on a new single.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Twit 2 on March 10, 2018, 02:13:59 PM
A racist curtain seller has an osteopathic tantrum after failing to navigate a metric measurement conversion chart.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: spamwangler on March 10, 2018, 08:01:55 PM
a homeschooler is zapped by a DIY electro-shock therapy kit in llandudno
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: H-O-W-L on March 11, 2018, 06:22:03 PM
Awakening to find that the prison cell is reality, and the warm comfortable bed was the dream.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: dex on March 11, 2018, 07:44:06 PM
Andrew Neil's contented sigh, followed by the post cum ennui.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: FerriswheelBueller on March 12, 2018, 12:43:06 AM
A giant arse consumes Hemel Hempstead.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on March 12, 2018, 05:35:08 AM
An errant tonsil is located on a gantry
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Gregory Torso on March 12, 2018, 07:45:42 AM
A disease that makes foxes heads fall off hits Sevenoaks. Huw Edwards laughs about it on the news.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: dex on March 12, 2018, 09:12:59 AM
An Alsation puppy is put in a microwave.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Glebe on March 12, 2018, 10:43:52 AM
James reunite for a gig in Skegness. It didn't sell out.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: JoeyBananaduck on March 12, 2018, 11:00:10 AM
James reunite for a gig in Skegness. It didn't sell out.

Briefly consider a rewrite: 'Sit down next to me. Please. There's ample room.'
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Cuntbeaks on March 12, 2018, 03:54:00 PM
A mother, on Mother's Day, is told that she is a spiteful old cunt and that she should die as soon as possible.

A Mother's Day walk in the park is interrupted and ultimately ruined by an 8yr old autistic cunt and his frisbee.

An 85 year old dementia sufferer experience a day long spell of clarity. It's Mother's Day the carers tell her, all eight of kids must be busy at the garden centre, or something. She's dead by Easter.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on March 12, 2018, 11:32:22 PM
http://www.bbc.com/news/uk-england-derbyshire-43321482

The tags bore simply "Glossop" and "anti-Semitism"
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Glebe on March 13, 2018, 12:35:22 AM
Craig Revel Horwood shoves a courgette up his arse on a side street in Bracknell.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Glebe on March 13, 2018, 10:10:56 AM
Jim from Hounslow duct tapes an elephant to a spoon.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on March 13, 2018, 02:21:27 PM
Leominster inducts a rapist into its Hall of Fame
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: JoeyBananaduck on March 13, 2018, 02:56:00 PM
A hausfrau frigs herself to sleep to the image of her late husband choking to death on a brussel sprout.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: dex on March 13, 2018, 03:57:31 PM
"Thank you for being there for me, love."

"Shut up, cunt!"

The sound of zip ties zipping, blood curdling screaming into a rag, saw cutting through bone and lime dissolving. On a Tuesday afternoon in Yate.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Foggy Buntwhistle on March 13, 2018, 08:41:47 PM
A maggot turns it's nose up at Keith's rotten toe.

Francis freezes seagulls in a streamlined position, ties them to long sticks and uses them as spears with which to poke hibernating badgers in their sets.

"FACK ORFF AAATT OV IIT!" Screams Mavis at a balloon.

Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: FerriswheelBueller on March 13, 2018, 11:06:40 PM
The Wolverhampton branch of All Bar One, Saturday night, 8.45pm.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Glebe on March 14, 2018, 06:32:58 PM
Maurice of Harrow attaches a gammon steak to a hole punch and shoves it through a microwave.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Cuntbeaks on March 14, 2018, 11:03:02 PM
A Walsall gory hole crusts over.

Stephen Hawking achieves a 24hr hardon, it goes un-milked.

A prolapsed arsehole refuses to retract.

Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Gregory Torso on March 15, 2018, 04:55:49 AM
Two rival Meatloaf tribute acts, Wheatloaf and Maltloaf, rumble in a provincial pub carpark.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Dannyhood91 on March 15, 2018, 07:33:05 AM
Some burly men yelling at a mentally deficient baby. One of them shoves a sandwich in its mouth.

“FUCKING CHEW IT THEN YA SPACK 😡”
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Glebe on March 15, 2018, 09:36:21 AM
Richard Plumstead from Plumstead likes plums, even though they gave him food poisoning twice and he is plum-intolerant to the plums.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: JoeyBananaduck on March 15, 2018, 09:48:56 AM
Jim McDonald looks at the script for his Gala Bingo advert.

"It's me, so it is. That's my only line?"
"That's right, so we won't be keeping you too long. But really push the accent, yeah? And lots of enthusiasm. We've got a really bright, bubbly image. More like 'It's meeee, so it iiis!!!"

Take one.

"It's meeee, so it iiiis!!!"

"Perfect. That's all we need!"

A walk to the bus stop in the rain absolutely loathing himself.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Glebe on March 15, 2018, 10:10:48 AM
"If you think I'm watching three hours of Waybaloo, you've got another thing coming!"

That's another potential babysitter gone.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Dannyhood91 on March 15, 2018, 11:11:52 AM
A bastard scowls at a soap dispensing unit.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Dannyhood91 on March 15, 2018, 11:14:52 AM
Trying to get Ann Summers recognised as a hate group
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Dannyhood91 on March 15, 2018, 11:17:11 AM
Paul Ross getting cats whiskers surgically attached to his face

Ejaculating on a war memorial

Squeals of pleasure from the fish market
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: JoeyBananaduck on March 15, 2018, 11:18:13 AM
Divine sits on the toilet 4-6 hours after filming the end of Pink Flamingos and contemplates things.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Glebe on March 15, 2018, 12:44:54 PM
A giant bum blocks a path in Dumfries.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Dannyhood91 on March 15, 2018, 12:46:17 PM
Paul Ross has chunks of shit in his blood and nicotine stained spunk.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Dannyhood91 on March 15, 2018, 12:46:55 PM
Discussing the human condition with a complete wazzack at a Toby Carvery
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Glebe on March 15, 2018, 12:48:28 PM
Jill of Barnet watches an onion decompose.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Gregory Torso on March 15, 2018, 01:49:22 PM
James Hetfield tries to get into the IDM glitch scene with a side project called "Metallechre".
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Norton Canes on March 15, 2018, 02:05:47 PM
Carol drives to Leicester, can't get to grips with online parking payment, comes home
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: dex on March 15, 2018, 02:20:00 PM
Paul Kilby faces up an entire aisle of questionable DVD's in a sex shop in Reading.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: FerriswheelBueller on March 15, 2018, 03:44:33 PM
QVC, 2am, former Cbeebies presenter selling directional shower nozzles.

Pauline from Battersea orders six.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Dannyhood91 on March 15, 2018, 03:50:14 PM
A white man ruins a Nigerian babies financial year
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Cuellar on March 15, 2018, 03:59:52 PM
St Pancras Carluccio's, an estranged father talks  at his son, before catching his flight back to Italy (son gets 7:32 to Bedford)
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Dannyhood91 on March 15, 2018, 04:27:11 PM
A Turkish man declares he is going to “make fuck” with his child bride.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Glebe on March 15, 2018, 05:10:58 PM
Aintree is the venue for some serious horse demolishment.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Cuntbeaks on March 15, 2018, 05:37:37 PM
A joint made with pipe tobacco and soap bar
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Dannyhood91 on March 15, 2018, 06:20:40 PM
The wailing walls of Wigan.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Dannyhood91 on March 15, 2018, 06:21:58 PM
Screaming up a deaf girls fanny hatch
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Dannyhood91 on March 15, 2018, 06:22:48 PM
Briskly following Paul Ross into a lavatory
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: seepage on March 15, 2018, 09:49:19 PM
your Miniature Wargaming acquaintance has just retired, so now free to discuss WH40K 24/7 - fancy a pint?
 
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: dex on March 16, 2018, 08:38:32 AM
A former high flying twentysomething has to scrape a living by moderating a bingo website forum. Banning Mable for the upteenth time for saying the blacks should be disallowed from playing is the least of the tedium.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on March 16, 2018, 08:43:13 AM
Danny's recent posts have made me laugh
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Dannyhood91 on March 16, 2018, 10:13:17 AM
Fishing a whole reel of cable out of your curious dog's arse.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Glebe on March 16, 2018, 11:56:13 AM
You decide to help Fatty raid the tuck shop, but unbeknownst to y'both, the local rozzers have cast a 'knowing' eye over proceedings, and you are arrested with twelve Curly Wurlys sticking out of your gobhole.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Norton Canes on March 16, 2018, 12:09:24 PM
An intrinsically amusing poster makes a misguided attempt at posting in Desolation

An inherently unfunny contributor unwisely attempts to deride him
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Dannyhood91 on March 16, 2018, 02:45:29 PM
Paul Ross has a stroke in Lidil.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Cuellar on March 16, 2018, 02:47:29 PM
And is ejected from the premises and charged. Two years.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: FerriswheelBueller on March 16, 2018, 02:54:27 PM
The obituary of a children’s entertainer ends with “...before turning the gun on himself”.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Dr Syntax Head on March 16, 2018, 03:23:30 PM
A struggling female actor accepts a part in an advert promoting adult nappies for the urine of age.

A struggling male actor with a beard accepts a part as a hipster in an ad for beard wax.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Dannyhood91 on March 16, 2018, 03:39:23 PM
Going to Keighley on purpose
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Gregory Torso on March 16, 2018, 03:41:53 PM
A small bear standing on top of a bigger bear.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: JoeyBananaduck on March 16, 2018, 04:03:41 PM
A small bear standing on top of a bigger bear.

That's it. I'm leaving.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Glebe on March 16, 2018, 04:03:55 PM
Margaret of Donegal enjoys an extra-large bowl of runny semolina before setting out on her weekly squirrel hunt.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Dr Syntax Head on March 16, 2018, 04:17:22 PM
Daniel, an IT consultant from Reading comes third on come dine with me. The food was great, the entertainment confusing.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Glebe on March 16, 2018, 04:19:41 PM
Harold of Land's End pushes some stale Tunnock's Tea Cakes slowly through.Mr. Crabtree's letterbox.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Dannyhood91 on March 16, 2018, 04:38:38 PM
Six spanish men cum in a chilli and rub it in their eyes.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Dannyhood91 on March 16, 2018, 06:49:17 PM
A popped bollock results in the complete closure of a popular water park.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Dannyhood91 on March 16, 2018, 06:49:50 PM
Paul Ross bashing out a fat line of ket and doing it in front of a scared toddler in a wheelchair.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Sebastian Cobb on March 16, 2018, 06:52:07 PM
Going to Keighley on purpose

I've done this
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Dannyhood91 on March 16, 2018, 06:52:59 PM
I've done this

I have to do this tomorrow for my girlfriends mates wedding and I couldn’t be more furious.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on March 16, 2018, 06:54:32 PM
After a quick check of the contents of her vagina the sound of the all-clear is raised. Burn her she's a slag.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Dannyhood91 on March 16, 2018, 07:02:21 PM
Fanny batter and watercress
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Glebe on March 16, 2018, 10:45:47 PM
James Whale petrol bombs a local curry house.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Dr Syntax Head on March 16, 2018, 10:50:21 PM
CaB summer meet in chippenham ends in collective ennui. Poo doesn't turn up and nobody visits the viaduct.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: ollyboro on March 16, 2018, 11:38:50 PM
During an episode of Pointless Celebrities, Antony Costa, from the boy band Blue, scores a pointless answer by answering "Antony Costa", to the question: "We asked 100 people to name a member of the boy band Blue".
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Glebe on March 17, 2018, 05:26:13 AM
Leo Sayer is spotted chewing a gone-off radish on a park bench in County Durham.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Spoon of Ploff on March 17, 2018, 09:06:49 AM
CaB summer meet in chippenham ends in collective ennui. Poo doesn't turn up and nobody visits the viaduct.

To be fair we were all distracted by a new fascinating thread about some of the odd things found in waste paper baskets.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Norton Canes on March 17, 2018, 11:56:30 AM
A crescent wank for old times sake
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Glebe on March 17, 2018, 01:04:06 PM
Egbert of Surrey eats nothing but old swaddling blankets.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: ollyboro on March 17, 2018, 01:25:43 PM
During an episode of  Family Fortunes, and 10 years after the mysterious disappearance of their daughter Mandy, Cathy McCann is alarmed when her husband Jeremy blurts out "the kids!!", to the question "We asked a hundred people to name something you plant in the garden."
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Dannyhood91 on March 17, 2018, 05:45:21 PM
A tramp wipes his poorly attended arse on a Womble.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Glebe on March 17, 2018, 08:34:31 PM
Humphrey gone sad now.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Cuntbeaks on March 17, 2018, 11:08:16 PM
The bride was mostly gums and nostrils.

Scrag end for Xmas dinner.

A bifocalled nonce leers at a Haribo display.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Glebe on March 17, 2018, 11:14:41 PM
The 'happy' world of Haribo is actually a dark and sinister realm.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on March 17, 2018, 11:20:16 PM
Bev has 7 years worth of frozen food in the garage for when the time comes.

Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Glebe on March 18, 2018, 05:05:48 AM
A flaxen-haired Exeter hairdresser expresses his views on immigration, "moi love!"
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on March 18, 2018, 07:18:14 AM
It's overcast, and an ineptly secured bollock makes a break for it.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: H-O-W-L on March 18, 2018, 09:55:05 AM
A gentle pulsing pain in the tooth. Not enough to see a dentist about, but enough that you know it's doomed.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Fishfinger on March 18, 2018, 12:25:17 PM
A driving instructor reeks of aftershave and wee.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: drummersaredeaf on March 18, 2018, 12:33:08 PM
Gavin's mum throws his My Little Pony Fest 2014 mug away when the dishwasher starts to erode the print. Gavin is furious. He never even attended the convention.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Glebe on March 18, 2018, 03:50:37 PM
Gavin of Dunstable distributes cut-price out-of-date Mars Bars around a condemned park.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Dr Syntax Head on March 18, 2018, 04:10:55 PM
Keith tries to bond with his 15 year old 'cool, in a band' stepson while giving him a life to the train station. Keith was in a classic rock band in his youth and puts on his Creed CD to try to impress. The stepson sits in total silence and scrolls his smartphone for the entire 30 minute journey.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: FerriswheelBueller on March 18, 2018, 04:16:53 PM
Keith tries to bond with his 15 year old 'cool, in a band' stepson while giving him a life to the train station. Keith was in a classic rock band in his youth and puts on his Creed CD to try to impress. The stepson sits in total silence and scrolls his smartphone for the entire 30 minute journey.

It’s a shit business, glad I’m out of it.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Glebe on March 18, 2018, 04:26:35 PM
Keith tries to bond with his 15 year old 'cool, in a band' stepson while giving him a life to the train station. Keith was in a classic rock band in his youth and puts on his Creed CD to try to impress. The stepson sits in total silence and scrolls his smartphone for the entire 30 minute journey.

Access Day Dad's life continues it's downward spiral.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Dr Syntax Head on March 18, 2018, 05:33:25 PM
Denise, 43 goes for a new haircut to boost her self esteem after a break up.

"I want it shaved one side and long and feathered on the other please"

It's 2018.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Captain Poodle Basher on March 18, 2018, 05:51:02 PM
Access Day Dad checks Mumsnet to see if his ex has started yet another thread about him.

"Could be her after a name change and she's changed the number of kids as well to throw me off the scent."

Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Ian Drunken Smurf on March 18, 2018, 06:10:40 PM
Access Day Dad tries to make good for turning up late with a hangover by buying both a Unicorn helium balloon and a Finding Dory one. Unfortunately by drop-off time, both are already deflating.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: dex on March 18, 2018, 06:21:36 PM
A drunken thirtysomething gets reflective and remarks how accurate the lyrics are in Pulp's Common People.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Dannyhood91 on March 18, 2018, 10:17:34 PM
Changing your Nan's ringtone to the sound of otters fucking.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: drummersaredeaf on March 19, 2018, 01:29:49 PM
A fresh-faced 18 year old gets one of Jordan Peterson's diagrams tattooed onto his back before starting a politics degree at the University of Derby. "This is the last thing the leftists, postmodernists, and cultural Marxists will expect".
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Glebe on March 19, 2018, 01:56:39 PM
Greg gets married to a Hetty the Hoover in a drab Clydesdale registry office.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Gregory Torso on March 19, 2018, 02:14:32 PM
Adrian Chiles attends a genital hygiene seminar.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Glebe on March 19, 2018, 05:09:48 PM
Ronald of St. Ives is fascinated by leeks. "Others may take interest in the chive, but no, not me, not me!"
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: dex on March 19, 2018, 07:04:00 PM
That BT Mobile advert where the nurse is stuck on a bus having to watch a little girl take her first steps via mobile phone. I know the desolation threads are meant to be funny, but this one is genuine desolation IMO.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Glebe on March 19, 2018, 07:20:31 PM
A goose steps gently on a nascent frog, crushing it's eyeballs in the most horrible manner.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Glebe on March 20, 2018, 05:18:30 AM
Harry Pumps goes down to the bottom of a field every morning and does the "Rump-a-Pump Dance". He's never been caught.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: dex on March 20, 2018, 08:16:26 AM
Harold hits frogs with his ball peen hammer in time to the frog song. A congealed mess awaits.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Fucked Del on March 20, 2018, 09:37:56 AM
...
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Glebe on March 20, 2018, 10:14:42 AM
Farquand and Emily take a luxury three-week break in Dubai, but forego a babysitter for Toby; "He's almost four years old, he can look after himself now."
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Fucked Del on March 20, 2018, 10:42:37 AM
...
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Fucked Del on March 20, 2018, 10:46:39 AM
...
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Glebe on March 20, 2018, 11:03:17 AM
Fred slams three wayward stoats into the side of a fucking lay-by.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: the midnight watch baboon on March 20, 2018, 11:27:13 AM
Whiteboy Colin films a Scarborough dogging group doing one of them odd BBC idents. It is broadcast, suckers, gloop and all.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Dannyhood91 on March 20, 2018, 11:35:36 AM
A choir of lepers hum the Countdown theme.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: dex on March 20, 2018, 02:28:38 PM
Mick the dog swallows a lit fire cracker.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Glebe on March 20, 2018, 08:28:01 PM
A rich farmer takes the new Land Rover for a spin and gives twelve people a mud shower.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Glebe on March 21, 2018, 09:22:06 PM
A Barry Manilow tribute act plays to an audience of one at a grim pub in Bradford. Walks out halfway through 'Copacabana'.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Glebe on March 22, 2018, 06:46:41 AM
Dean from Dulwich has a collection of 1000+ Marathon wrappers in mint condition, remember when Snickers was called Marathon a long time ago?*

*In a Galaxy far, far away, snicker(s)!
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Rocket Surgery on March 22, 2018, 11:10:11 AM
Typing "Death Leprosy" into the YouTube search bar on a Thursday lunchtime.

EDIT: actually, scratch that - this is FANTASTIC
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: dex on March 22, 2018, 05:31:39 PM
"Keep the tip" Sez Larry the leper to the obese prostitute.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Cuntbeaks on March 23, 2018, 11:50:32 AM
A fat retard is abused in among the feathers and guano of a Doo Hut.

A fat workie with reactolite glasses smells of portakabins and scud mags.

A fat bride drinks a pint of gravy.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on March 23, 2018, 02:12:31 PM
Leo Sayer is spotted chewing a gone-off radish on a park bench in County Durham.

Laughed
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Norton Canes on March 23, 2018, 04:02:31 PM
Antidepressant (Sweden #20; France #152)
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Glebe on March 23, 2018, 10:16:48 PM
Jeremy Kyle awards a three-eyed child with a ten pound note, as part of a Daily Mirror campaign entitled 'Keep Blighty Brill!'
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Vodka Margarine on March 24, 2018, 02:01:36 AM
A Bohemian Rhapsody singalong on a Friday evening at the Samaritans drowns out one last desperate phone call.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Glebe on March 24, 2018, 03:03:09 PM
Mick from Surrey makes a statue of David Dickinson out of Play Doh.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: FerriswheelBueller on March 24, 2018, 03:06:01 PM
An earnest UB40 tribute band.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: dex on March 24, 2018, 03:44:51 PM
An earnest UB40 tribute band.

"Bread, bread liiiiiiinnnnne!"
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Glebe on March 24, 2018, 11:50:23 PM
Mark Wahlberg kicks a Pakistani man in the elbow.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Mantle Retractor on March 25, 2018, 07:59:56 AM
A cancerously bloody piss puddle on the seat of Grandad's Micra.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Glebe on March 25, 2018, 08:05:52 AM
"If he does it again, he's barred, okay?"

Once again, a Lidl in Cleethoropes endures local 'character' Wanking Wally!
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: dex on March 25, 2018, 09:55:41 AM
A ghust of the most putrid, rectal gas from the bumgut of Phil gets gasps and sniggers from the rest of the bricklaying gang.

Dies of bowel cancer that night.

A crumpled up packet of 20 Rothmans is thrown on top of the coffin.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Glebe on March 25, 2018, 05:12:07 PM
Martin from High Wycombe lodges a Chris de Burgh cassette twixt two railposts.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: H-O-W-L on March 25, 2018, 05:13:05 PM
A fourty year old bald dad wearing a pork pie hat.

He thinks it makes him look like Heisenberg.

He thinks that makes him cool.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Glebe on March 26, 2018, 01:02:00 AM
A dolphin attaches a hand grenade to it's nose and rams itself into the side of Gibraltar at full speed.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Dannyhood91 on March 28, 2018, 03:51:21 PM
Colin gives Hartshead Moor services a negative google review because he received a shit blowjob in the toilet.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: canadagoose on March 28, 2018, 04:26:53 PM
A ghust of the most putrid, rectal gas from the bumgut of Phil gets gasps and sniggers from the rest of the bricklaying gang.

Dies of bowel cancer that night.

A crumpled up packet of 20 Rothmans is thrown on top of the coffin.
I don't know why, but this made me laugh a lot, despite its dark nature. The Barry Manilow one was good, too.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Foggy Buntwhistle on March 29, 2018, 06:57:20 AM
The Sun sneezes. Wipes out Earth and all of humanity. Bit of a relief to be honest.

A wriggly wiggly bacterial worm on Titan is crushed to smithereens as the probe lands, thus making the main goal of the mission a bit pointless. Man to his knowledge is still alone in the universe.

Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Foggy Buntwhistle on March 29, 2018, 06:58:20 AM
An old Welsh man shotguns a heron to fuck after he see's it gulping down a duckling. Slits open its belly and rescues the duck. The story only comes to light when he speaks to the RSPB about a possible internship for his grand daughter.

http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-wales-43555366

Can't tell if it's desolation of euphoria to be honest. It made me laugh anyways.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Foggy Buntwhistle on March 29, 2018, 07:01:40 AM
A man starts a fuzzy shoegaze revival band called 'Desolation of Euphoria'.

They play two gigs in his uncles garage.

"They" being an anxious portly bald, a guitar and a small amp.

Tapes are found 11 years after his death and declared works of genius.

The man grimaces from the nether warp where the remains of his soul now reside.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on March 29, 2018, 07:08:36 AM
At Dachau an 11 year old's eyes never flicker up from the Nintendo DS.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Dannyhood91 on March 29, 2018, 07:45:51 AM
Some bowl of piss goes cold by a windowsill.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on March 29, 2018, 07:50:07 AM
A fire brigade let a man they don't like burn to death.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Dannyhood91 on March 29, 2018, 11:36:29 AM
Harry Potter and The Depressed Single Mum
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Steven on March 29, 2018, 11:54:53 AM
La Jetée but set in Rhyl.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Mantle Retractor on March 29, 2018, 12:59:23 PM
A haddock-quimmed singleton masturbates to her signed photo of Jeremy Kyle.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on March 29, 2018, 01:45:02 PM
Santa is shot
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on March 29, 2018, 01:47:45 PM
Santa is shot again.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Dannyhood91 on March 29, 2018, 02:00:34 PM
Dildo in’t dishwasher
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on March 29, 2018, 02:12:59 PM
Santa is dead.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Dannyhood91 on March 29, 2018, 02:14:34 PM
Santa is dead.

75 come forward outing him as a big old nonce.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: FerriswheelBueller on March 29, 2018, 02:15:01 PM
Some real life overheard desolation

“So I was buying some Barbie clothes online from Ali Express...”
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: drummersaredeaf on March 29, 2018, 03:26:39 PM
A weekend dad slips two pages of his Donald Duck slashfic into his son's English homework in a desperate bid for any form of adult human contact.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Dannyhood91 on March 29, 2018, 06:25:54 PM
Jim Davidson grumbles something about his Pakistani postman
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Dannyhood91 on March 29, 2018, 06:30:00 PM
I just Wikipedia’d our Jim to see what he’s up to and fuck me if this isn’t some real life desolation

Quote
In Davidson's first autobiography The Full Monty[31] (1993), he talked about his violent and abusive behaviour towards his third wife in a light-hearted manner: "We’re like a couple of boxers. On the first occasion, I poked her in the eye by accident. I actually went for the mouth. Thank heaven I missed, I’d have fallen in. I just took a playful punch. Unfortunately I caught her completely wrong. The second time I gave her a shiner. I threw a bunch of keys which whacked her in the eye. Just for a giggle she kept blackening it up to make it look worse."


Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Glebe on March 29, 2018, 11:11:58 PM
Quote
I just took a playful punch.

Fuck me.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: East of Eden on March 30, 2018, 01:06:45 AM
A woman flicks through a fashion mag with her chubby, middle aged hands. She spots a pair of leather trousers, and decides to order them, in an attempt to recapture some of her youth. They arrive, tight and shiny. She struts out of her house, the sun shining, flicking her hair, proudly smiling as the high street of betting shops and pounds shops become her cat walk. A group of young boys chant "fat, fat, bin-bag-arse", following her till jogs away in escape, wiping away hysterical tears. She trips up, falling over, grazing her hands, make-up smeared down her face. She picks herself up with a stiff upper lip, chin high, and the arse of her trousers totally ripped, exposing her bottom. She goes home and hangs herself.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Glebe on March 30, 2018, 03:22:40 AM
Mike of Dunfermline has a bag of fizzy sherbet from 1973. He's feeling hungry. Now is the time.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Dannyhood91 on March 30, 2018, 07:32:13 AM
Online shopping order of billy bear ham, a net and some Vaseline.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on March 30, 2018, 07:36:07 AM
The corpse of Santa is penetrated by a sado-king.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Glebe on March 30, 2018, 10:40:14 AM
John the Numptie rams some fish fingers into the flank of a frightened horse near Stourbridge.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: dex on March 30, 2018, 10:48:46 AM
Brian is refused entry to the anarchist cafe where "all are welcome".

Turns out having not washed and mucked out when you've shit yourself again doesn't get you far these days.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: ollyboro on March 30, 2018, 01:41:54 PM
Despite spending the bank holiday  alone in his caravan, with his head under the pillows, Barry can still hear his kid's sobbing from inside the house.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Glebe on March 30, 2018, 02:03:18 PM
Keith Lemon becomes self aware.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: dex on March 30, 2018, 03:04:10 PM
Danny Dyer opens up some official looking mail to find someone has just posted a blank sheet of A4.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: spamwangler on March 30, 2018, 03:20:20 PM
last two pages have had me in tears multiple times, - good work all
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: East of Eden on March 30, 2018, 03:48:01 PM
Danny Dyer opens up some official looking mail to find someone has just posted a blank sheet of A4.

That's brilliant.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: East of Eden on March 30, 2018, 03:56:10 PM
A young boy looks perplexed at a box of tissues in his friend's living room, so used is he to using toilet rolls instead.

A man sells his tin opener to help pay the electricity bill.

A man sighs, remembering he doesn't have a tin opener, as he looks at a can of out-of-date potatoes.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Spoon of Ploff on March 30, 2018, 04:53:21 PM
A man in a giant paper mache Prince Charles head awkwardly navigates his way passed a sprawled down-and-out on the west side of Tower Bridge, near the north bank steps. This is captured by a sightseeing  amateur photographer sporting a Canon 5D Mark III. Later that month a black and white print of the scene wins Image of the Month at the Milton Keynes Camera Club. "I love the way you caught the pigeons pecking at the dried coffee stains in his beard." remarks the club's president. "At least... I think they're coffee stains ha hah!"

A busker squats near Blackfriars on a freezing November morning.. chilled hands tremble as he tries tuning guitar strings that are stained with the blood drips from chapped fingers. His throat is soar from singing self penned ballads of personal heartache, and there are tears on his cheeks turned to frost. A smiling tourist from Milton Keynes wanders over and asks him if he knows Talk Tonight by Oasis.

A salary man gets off the tube at Bank station, winds his way through to Monument and exits... The nearest station to his place of work is London Bridge on the other side of the river, but he can't get off there anymore... The chances are she'll be there, at the ticket gate. He doesn't think he could handle that. Not now. Maybe not ever. As he heads towards Lower Thames Street a tourist from Milton Keynes asks him where the nearest Pret A Manger is.




Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Dannyhood91 on March 30, 2018, 06:28:37 PM
Paul Ross choking on an entire, live duck he just picked up from the side of the canal and shoved in his mouth to “try it”
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Dannyhood91 on March 30, 2018, 06:29:25 PM
When the duck is freed from his mouth by passers by, they have to hold him back as he attempts to try it again.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: ollyboro on March 30, 2018, 09:19:31 PM
After several hours in the bathroom patiently tattooing his name into his forehead, Tyrone's soon to be ex-girlfriend explains the concept of the mirror image to him.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on March 30, 2018, 11:06:19 PM
A businessman receives formal assent to his new trademark "Brand Paki"

Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Glebe on March 31, 2018, 05:56:45 AM
Exeter had never seen anything like it. A "dark-skinned" man, free and unfettered, strolling down the main street, proud as y'like!
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: drummersaredeaf on March 31, 2018, 08:59:54 AM
Leo Sayer goes mental in the barbers because he's taken 5mm too much off his pubelike rug.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Bazooka on March 31, 2018, 09:06:59 AM
A bored Mum watches the clock for 3 hours ready for the school pick up. Homes In The Sun is on the TV in the background, her Children wait at the school gates.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Spoon of Ploff on March 31, 2018, 09:29:54 AM
A senile Shrodinger's cat can't tell if it shat itself or not.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Steven on March 31, 2018, 10:16:44 AM
Purple Aki peruses a copy of Men's Fitness in WH Smith, Chester, can barely manage to elicit a flimsy erection.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Spoon of Ploff on March 31, 2018, 11:29:18 AM
Ron realizes his latest prescription from Spec Savaz means he'll have to don a pair of glasses everytime he wants to mastubate to images of anime babes.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: spamwangler on March 31, 2018, 12:24:24 PM
a rich moron drills holes in his wok to make it 'go faster'
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: dex on March 31, 2018, 12:55:17 PM
a rich moron drills holes in his wok to make it 'go faster'

Good one!
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: spamwangler on March 31, 2018, 01:01:13 PM
Good one!

thanks. i put the word 'rich' in it so it wasnt punching down, as i understand is the style for this new desolation, no more disabled people in the rain. fair enough i say, lets get with the times


A land-rover bursts an Alsatian pup with a crisp pop, and its skeleton flies out of its mouth and lands on a birthday picnic
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: dex on March 31, 2018, 01:43:19 PM
thanks. i put the word 'rich' in it so it wasnt punching down, as i understand is the style for this new desolation, no more disabled people in the rain. fair enough i say, lets get with the times

IMO desolation is part of the human experience and can apply to any segment of the human race.

Anyways......

Roadkill for dinner. Its seagull today!
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Sebastian Cobb on March 31, 2018, 02:19:26 PM
A lonely man from Watford buys an American porn star a nutribullet off her Amazon wishlist. It's payday after all.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Bazooka on March 31, 2018, 03:19:18 PM
A lonely boy makes a friend is piece of luncheon meat simmering in the summer sun.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Cuntbeaks on March 31, 2018, 06:23:42 PM
A finger of fudge is NOT enough to give your kid a fucking treat, thinks a spoiled cunt as he launches an onion at a Nespresso machine.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Gregory Torso on March 31, 2018, 07:28:16 PM
A prison production of Starlight Express ends in three fractured skulls, a crippling, and mass dry ice poisoning.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Vodka Margarine on March 31, 2018, 08:54:20 PM
John finishes a 319th drawing of the only real life breasts he's ever seen. Still can't quite manage it.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: ollyboro on March 31, 2018, 09:40:59 PM
On the occasion of their 60th wedding anniversary, Bernard's joy at receiving his wife's gift is short-lived when he notices the skid marks in the Kelvin Kline pants.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: FerriswheelBueller on March 31, 2018, 09:43:53 PM
The machinations of an extra-marital affair are discovered, but neither party cares enough to do anything about it. The affair is entirely fabricated anyway.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Gregory Torso on April 01, 2018, 02:57:41 AM
Greg's tapeworm goes on a hunger strike.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Gregory Torso on April 01, 2018, 03:02:40 AM
Robert Kilroy-Silk attempts to catch "some Indians" using a paddling pool full of mulligatawny soup.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Cuntbeaks on April 01, 2018, 03:22:50 AM
The unfortunate congenital combination of an underbite, lantern jaw and potato head earns John the nickname of Easter Smeg.

Today is not a good day.



He rapes his dog after Antiques Roadshow.

Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Cuntbeaks on April 01, 2018, 04:04:56 AM
Paul Hollywood wakes up.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Bazooka on April 01, 2018, 04:41:44 AM
Robert Kilroy-Silk attempts to catch "some Indians" using a paddling pool full of mulligatawny soup.

Fuck haha.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Bazooka on April 01, 2018, 04:43:05 AM
A humiliated Jockey commits suicide by inhaling a whole can of Lynx Inca on the final jump.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Glebe on April 01, 2018, 04:45:37 AM
Ron from Kidderminster gets abducted by aliens, but they just leave him on a road outside Bromley with a cucumber up his arse.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: FerriswheelBueller on April 01, 2018, 06:18:49 AM
An overdrawn sound engineer arrives to record the Derek season one DVD commentary.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Glebe on April 01, 2018, 11:00:34 AM
Jeff out of Prestatyn gathers his collection of bread pan wrappers together and speaks to them gently; "My lovelies, my lovelies, just look at you all around!"
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Dannyhood91 on April 01, 2018, 11:45:52 PM
An erotic encounter with a thistle
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Dannyhood91 on April 01, 2018, 11:47:08 PM
A man dies and goes to heaven and all the angels rape him.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Dannyhood91 on April 01, 2018, 11:48:02 PM
Your dad decides to talk to you about the size of your grandads dick.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: East of Eden on April 02, 2018, 02:06:43 AM
The Duncan family visit Chirk Castle on Easter Sunday, and return home to find a trail of easter egg foil, leading them to their dog, Rocky, lying in a thick pool of mud brown sick, with a dildo up his arse, and what looks like a euphoric smile on his dead dog face.


A spotty, wide eyed teenage snorts a whole tube of salt for a dare, rendering him "a fucking legend, to be fair" and permanent vegetable.


A stony faced orphan flips a tortoise on its back, and leaves it, until it is nearly dead before flipping it back to safety. The orphan repeats this process everyday for seven decades. Each time achieving mutual orgasm.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Glebe on April 02, 2018, 04:08:48 AM
Lerwick's Duncan drives a sharpened dog through a box of Weetos.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Bazooka on April 02, 2018, 06:23:06 AM
A pizza delivery boy is ambushed by gout ridden priest.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Glebe on April 02, 2018, 10:34:33 AM
Harold from Consett has a particular interest in collecting bags of dog shite.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Gregory Torso on April 02, 2018, 10:36:07 AM
Blind guy dog fight behind the incinerator, 4 p.m. Sighted lookouts needed.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Bazooka on April 02, 2018, 01:40:00 PM
After doing the job for 46 years, Ronnie the milkman is on his last shift before retirement, only to get his bell-end torn in two on the edge of a milk crate.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Glebe on April 02, 2018, 01:56:25 PM
You go on holiday and find yourself staring at a grey hill next to a borstal.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: dex on April 02, 2018, 02:02:08 PM
Malcolm throws several thousand pounds worth of sexual apparatus/apparel into the waste compactor at the tidy tip in a shame purge. One of the surly attendants gives him a knowing nod. Its not been the first time.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Bazooka on April 02, 2018, 04:12:06 PM
A desperate man pickles his dead family.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Glebe on April 02, 2018, 05:02:34 PM
Jeremy Purves of Plumstead tosses a manky badger out of a train window. It lands on a startled pigeon who grumpily tells it to "fuck off somewhere else, y'troublesome twat!"
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: the midnight watch baboon on April 02, 2018, 10:56:46 PM
A Groupon wedding is rained off.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Dannyhood91 on April 03, 2018, 10:15:47 AM
A half hearted erection on a gloomy Monday morning.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on April 03, 2018, 10:24:32 AM
A bit of swan leg goes round and round and round and round for miles in the wheelbase of an Audi R8.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Glebe on April 03, 2018, 10:42:58 AM
The Shreddies Nans manufacture a nuclear weapon in secret, and destroy a large area of Sunderland.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: dex on April 03, 2018, 04:04:41 PM
Hatfield has another round of the stench of burning flesh.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Glebe on April 03, 2018, 04:27:21 PM
Craig near Exeter stuffs a couple of poodles down a sewer hole.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: dex on April 03, 2018, 06:11:43 PM
A serpentine auxillary belt on a VW Phaeton is replaced with a length of human skin.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Dannyhood91 on April 03, 2018, 06:13:56 PM
Paul Golding on Come Dine With Me.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Dannyhood91 on April 03, 2018, 06:15:12 PM
Paul Ross eating an expensive gormet meal from a troff in the nude because he can “do what he likes in his own fucking house.”
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Glebe on April 03, 2018, 06:22:07 PM
Albert Hives of the Midlands collects milk bottles, if there's still milk bottles.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Dannyhood91 on April 03, 2018, 06:27:00 PM
A hags undercarriage
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: dex on April 03, 2018, 07:23:19 PM
A blumpking takes place in Heston Services on the Eastbound M4.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Glebe on April 03, 2018, 07:32:35 PM
Rachel boots a chicken over the roof of a B&Q in Barnsley.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Bazooka on April 04, 2018, 06:55:43 AM
A women from Kiderminster cheats on her husband with a Rasputin impersonator. 
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Glebe on April 04, 2018, 08:29:34 AM
A cacks musses up a laundry, spreading it's muck on all your other clothes.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: spamwangler on April 04, 2018, 10:17:44 AM
A twenty three year old man in a tweed suit with a 2015 fender slimline hollowbody telecaster and a macbook pro with an old BBC MIRCO logo covering the apple beguiles a mid day art centre with a Hauntological take on the Bridgend 'suicide cult' of 2007-2008

Its mostly just him playing monophonic guitar notes over time-stretched library music from the 60s with echoey samples from the channel 4 documentary over the top. A mop haired toddler tugs impatiently at a father's corduroy leg

meanwhile in neighboring newport, the guitarist from Skindred gets noshed off by a dog. The roars of delighted outrage of the council workers ringing in his ears like the O2 arena
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: dex on April 04, 2018, 12:46:10 PM

meanwhile in neighboring newport, the guitarist from Skindred gets noshed off by a dog, the roars of delighted outrage of the council workers ringing in his ears like the O2 arena

Laughed!
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Dannyhood91 on April 05, 2018, 12:30:39 PM
Bradford’s third best Jim Davidson tribute act
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: dex on April 05, 2018, 08:56:56 PM
The only sport Gerald gets to see these days are fat kids running around after rubbish blowing in the wind.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: spamwangler on April 06, 2018, 12:09:44 AM
a prison library proves lacking
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Bazooka on April 06, 2018, 05:17:39 PM
The body of a martian is found sodomized in the Blue Peter garden.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on April 06, 2018, 06:33:43 PM
A fastidious customs official tells a Latvian to "fuck off".
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Spoon of Ploff on April 06, 2018, 07:11:29 PM
The body of a martian is found sodomized in the Blue Peter garden.

The statue of Petra the dog is taken away by forensic scientists for further investigation.



Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Glebe on April 06, 2018, 08:31:43 PM
Kate from the Mount Fuji pumps a variety of popular animals up a nearby pipe.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: FerriswheelBueller on April 06, 2018, 08:45:27 PM
The statue of Petra the dog is taken away by forensic scientists for further investigation.

This is blatant IP theft from my deso-quest 2017 round. You’ll be hearing from my solicitor.

When is desolation quest 2018?
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Vodka Margarine on April 06, 2018, 11:08:18 PM
The best person for the job by far is rejected because he looked a bit paedo.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Dannyhood91 on April 06, 2018, 11:23:23 PM
Through means of witchcraft, a man lives for 300 years only to be killed by a cunt in a Sinclair C5
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: East of Eden on April 07, 2018, 01:44:43 AM
During a property viewing, the current owner who is not supposed to be there strolls around with an electric guitar around him, talking over the estate agent at various points and doing the odd impromptu riff.

A 34 year old woman wakes up alone, with her cat sick in her hair.

A 80 year old widower has a cup of tea after a long afternoon of hand washing his wheelie bin.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: pancreas on April 07, 2018, 06:06:15 AM
'That'll do,' says Patricia, putting on the last lick of lipstick in front of the mirror … and walks out of the third-degree burns unit with her skirt tucked in her knickers.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: dex on April 07, 2018, 07:35:51 AM
HIGNFY S55 E1.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Spoon of Ploff on April 07, 2018, 07:56:35 AM
This is blatant IP theft from my deso-quest 2017 round. You’ll be hearing from my solicitor.

When is desolation quest 2018?

A Desolation poster is accused of plagiarism... again.

And DQ 2018 has been cancelled out of respect for the death of Prince Philip.

Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: dex on April 07, 2018, 08:42:44 AM
The body of a martian is found sodomized in the Blue Peter garden.

That's how old Phillip did his hip in!
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on April 07, 2018, 12:58:21 PM
An employee of PoundBakery finds herself increasingly turned on by the smell of grease.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: FerriswheelBueller on April 07, 2018, 01:53:12 PM
And DQ 2018 has been cancelled out of respect for the death of Prince Philip.

A  man’s “highlight of the year” is canceled at short notice with pitiless indifference.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: spamwangler on April 07, 2018, 03:36:47 PM
sandwiched between a doormat and a handfull of mangled roses;

Dearest Daughter,

i still think about you every day

i waited until you were out of the house before popping these through the letter box,
so restraining order wise were still all above board, dont worry ;)

Dad
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Glebe on April 07, 2018, 04:55:42 PM
Humboldt Humphries of "somewhere-around-Cheltenham" punts an Irish traveller's teapot through the back of a Volvo.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: dex on April 07, 2018, 05:03:26 PM
Earwax smeared onto a smelly phallus to provide lubrication.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: dex on April 07, 2018, 05:15:04 PM
Bloody hell: http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-5589037/Pervert-51-filmed-having-sex-Staffordshire-bull-terrier-jailed.html (http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-5589037/Pervert-51-filmed-having-sex-Staffordshire-bull-terrier-jailed.html)
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Twit 2 on April 07, 2018, 11:45:09 PM
A man farts into a foil casing.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on April 07, 2018, 11:55:41 PM
A Paralympian is tasered to death after some overly hasty profiling.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: FerriswheelBueller on April 08, 2018, 12:41:42 AM
A Tinder date in Llandudno ends early due to profuse farting.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Mr Eggs on April 08, 2018, 02:23:05 AM
Bloody hell: http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-5589037/Pervert-51-filmed-having-sex-Staffordshire-bull-terrier-jailed.html (http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-5589037/Pervert-51-filmed-having-sex-Staffordshire-bull-terrier-jailed.html)

I am 3 foot tall, look like a dog and fuck anything. Soz mate.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: dex on April 08, 2018, 09:54:36 AM
I am 3 foot tall, look like a dog and fuck anything. Soz mate.

MATE!
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on April 08, 2018, 10:08:36 AM
A gaunt bugler mispells his Dad's name during an application to register to vote in absentia.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Gregory Torso on April 08, 2018, 11:31:39 AM
A boy incinerates the soft animals that used to protect him.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Gregory Torso on April 08, 2018, 12:36:56 PM
An owl-of-paradise has its protected status revoked after shitting in an RSPB collection box.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Gregory Torso on April 08, 2018, 12:53:36 PM
An eel slags off a tin of sardines, right to their faces.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: BlodwynPig on April 08, 2018, 04:00:03 PM
A depressed hare voluntarily shoves its sullen face into a bear trap.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Glebe on April 08, 2018, 05:12:18 PM
A crow attempts to beat the world fly-fishing record in under two hours. You can guess how that panned out!
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: FerriswheelBueller on April 08, 2018, 05:40:42 PM
3 workers go missing at the cement factory. We know they’re in one of these blocks, but the construction of the Pontypridd branch of Morrison’s can’t be halted. Ship ‘em all out, boys.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Dannyhood91 on April 08, 2018, 07:34:00 PM
Climbing Ben Nevis because you heard there was a Seedy Sanchez pot noodle up there but reaching the summit to instead find a lollipop man hate fucking his niece.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: spamwangler on April 08, 2018, 08:12:40 PM
A series of compromises arranging themselves into a chord sequence disguised by rehersal-room stockhausen syndrome as a song sadly dribble their way out of the body of organs belonging to a brace of jeans and tshirt weekend warriors on a wednesday night battle of the bands.

As the bassist gains sentience during the bridge and fails to look the drummer in the eyes, the seven over four time signature flops over and ruptures its spleen with a quiet pop of hubris, a little dog on an even smaller bike missing the ramp and falling into a ravine to an unblinking gathering of village idiots
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Gregory Torso on April 08, 2018, 08:27:23 PM
Someone has a drilled a glory-hole through the face of the Jolly Fisherman at the Skegness tourist information centre.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Twit 2 on April 08, 2018, 10:45:24 PM
A gaunt bugler mispells his Dad's name during an application to register to vote in absentia.

A bald internet victim miscapitalises a noun (and is corrected by a man of approximately equal baldness).

A series of compromises arranging themselves into a chord sequence disguised by rehersal-room stockhausen syndrome as a song sadly dribble their way out of the body of organs belonging to a brace of jeans and tshirt weekend warriors on a wednesday night battle of the bands.

As the bassist gains sentience during the bridge and fails to look the drummer in the eyes, the seven over four time signature flops over and ruptures its spleen with a quiet pop of hubris, a little dog on an even smaller bike missing the ramp and falling into a ravine to an unblinking gathering of village idiots

La Monte Young loses his Prozac.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Gregory Torso on April 08, 2018, 10:50:05 PM
A series of compromises arranging themselves into a chord sequence disguised by rehersal-room stockhausen syndrome as a song sadly dribble their way out of the body of organs belonging to a brace of jeans and tshirt weekend warriors on a wednesday night battle of the bands.

Beautiful.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Gregory Torso on April 09, 2018, 07:40:51 AM
Oscar gets a dad for his seventh birthday; unfortunately, it's full of botfly eggs.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Gregory Torso on April 09, 2018, 12:14:53 PM
Happy birthday son. A bowl of shit poured over a barbecue that's not even lit, mate.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Gregory Torso on April 09, 2018, 12:15:23 PM
A train of slags ploughs into a legless child sanctuary.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on April 09, 2018, 01:23:51 PM
The taunting of a virgin by a train of baying slappers provokes an evening of self-harm and despair.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: spamwangler on April 09, 2018, 03:16:50 PM
youre all making me laugh on this sunny day
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Dannyhood91 on April 09, 2018, 03:47:49 PM
Gouging your birds eye out cos she’s been fawning over Sonic The Hedgehog.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Dannyhood91 on April 09, 2018, 03:48:15 PM
Phoning your long lost love after 32 years to tell her you’ve got your dick caught in the oven.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: drummersaredeaf on April 09, 2018, 04:15:15 PM
A rumour goes round the payroll office that quiet, retiring George has his old chap pierced because he likes to sit down to wee.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Gregory Torso on April 09, 2018, 04:30:29 PM
A ward of ill children are herded into a standpipe for another day of constriction therapy.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Fishfinger on April 09, 2018, 04:59:48 PM
Before the arrival of the bulldozers, Timmy Mallett's Zoo of Dead Things accrues £21 and three arrests for public indecency.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: dex on April 09, 2018, 06:22:46 PM
Samantha Mumba wipes yet another unwelcome deposit of jizz from her Mondeo's door handle.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on April 09, 2018, 06:23:55 PM
Quote
Samantha Mumba

Wasn't really necessary to add any more words than that.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on April 09, 2018, 06:36:56 PM
The world's "happiest animal" the Quokka, are obliterated in a firestorm.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Glebe on April 09, 2018, 06:53:27 PM
A frog hops into a Lidl car park and feels a mild wave of depression, if frogs can get that.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on April 09, 2018, 07:23:42 PM
A parker pen, longing to be released from its fascist owner is nevertheless swept up into his greasy clutches and its ink raped out of it to pen a diatribe about the intellectual squalor of the negro.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: spamwangler on April 09, 2018, 07:30:00 PM
oh fuck it, i give up

thinks La Monte Young, puts on a Shinia Twain album
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: BlodwynPig on April 09, 2018, 07:39:05 PM
Shinia Twain hollers to her son Mark "hope you ain't been galavanting again with that negro boy down by the gully, hyuk hyuk"
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Captain Poodle Basher on April 09, 2018, 07:39:45 PM
"87 live badgers in a furnace, that's a new record that is!" Thinks Greg before pressing the 'Ignite' button.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: dex on April 09, 2018, 09:20:31 PM
An uncooked whole chicken carcass is thrown at some workmen out of a barry hatchback and collides with a roadsign to Driotwich.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Gregory Torso on April 10, 2018, 01:13:10 AM
An unflushable leg of shit ruins a blossoming romance.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: BlodwynPig on April 10, 2018, 01:46:38 AM
An uncooked whole chicken carcass is thrown at some workmen out of a barry hatchback and collides with a roadsign to Driotwich.

Dvae nvere fnids Driotwich Sap.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: BlodwynPig on April 10, 2018, 01:49:19 AM
An ecstatic, gurning Mr. Tumble screaming maniacally for the diminutive girl on babestation to "shit on the teddy bear! SHIT ON THE TEDDY BEAR!"
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Twit 2 on April 10, 2018, 02:10:44 AM
A father misses his toddler choking to death on a radish as he was crying into a hoover attachment in the next room.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Gregory Torso on April 10, 2018, 02:34:20 AM
An ornamental display pork pie goes missing from a butcher's, only to be recovered three days later crammed up a dead gnome on the Oslo underground.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Gregory Torso on April 10, 2018, 02:35:18 AM
A heartsick blacksmith smelts his own crown out of his ex-wife's jewellery whilst singing "King Of Pain" in a broken baritone.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: dex on April 10, 2018, 08:56:56 AM
Horace gets himself into character on the beach and fakes a jellyfish sting so people can piss on him.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on April 10, 2018, 09:05:49 AM
The renaissance is cut short by the surprise invention of pebbledash.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Phil_A on April 10, 2018, 09:59:17 AM
A bullied worker sobs quietly in the single toilet cubicle of a Stevenage dildo warehouse before the start of another ten hour shift
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: SteveDave on April 10, 2018, 10:57:27 AM
Jeffrey Holland cutting his own hair by candlelight
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on April 10, 2018, 01:14:27 PM
Colin henman-pumps at Leeds station after being informed of his sister's death.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on April 10, 2018, 01:17:28 PM
Church Warsop appoints its new graffiti busybody for 2018. It's Mavis again. The role was invented by Mavis. Mavis was the only one standing. Mavis prepared a ballot box and papers. Mavis was the only voter. Mavis is in a mental hospital. Mavis ate a staple last week and rubbed her tummy and went Mmmmm staples.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: poo on April 10, 2018, 01:20:44 PM
A man works from home, reeking of cock
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: BlodwynPig on April 10, 2018, 01:24:50 PM
Some brilliance on display here. Thanks ;)

...as he hurtles into the sun.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: poo on April 10, 2018, 01:26:47 PM
A father misses his toddler choking to death on a radish as he was crying into a hoover attachment in the next room.

lold
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: BlodwynPig on April 10, 2018, 01:30:42 PM
lold

It becomes funnier when you imagine the jerking, smasmodic actions in both rooms somehow synchronising
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Gregory Torso on April 10, 2018, 02:04:20 PM
WAREHOUSE FIND: Crate of BHS canker sores. Very rare! Great smell and texture! £20 ono.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Gregory Torso on April 10, 2018, 02:07:45 PM
A pepperoni pizza advert reminds a man that it's time to turn his obese bedridden wife over.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Glebe on April 10, 2018, 02:59:12 PM
A cat collector receives a tiger in the post. The resulting carnage is unthinkable.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: dex on April 10, 2018, 05:35:07 PM
A bull is milked and the ejaculate used to make overpriced cupm cakes for hipsters.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Angrew Lloyg Wegger on April 10, 2018, 08:54:42 PM
Birmingham holiday
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Dannyhood91 on April 10, 2018, 09:54:27 PM
10 knobheads from Todmorden pissing on a slow lad

“Just fuckin hold still mate it’s gud 4 yer skin”
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: FerriswheelBueller on April 11, 2018, 12:07:45 AM
Birmingham holiday

I’ve legitimately done this. The #4 Birmingham attraction on TripAdvisor is a coffin factory.

Peak desolation. Unbeatable.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: dex on April 11, 2018, 09:53:03 AM
Ropes of thick putrid jizz landing on someones face in time to the woodwind part of the Carpenters' "Sing a Song".
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Dannyhood91 on April 11, 2018, 12:27:38 PM
Swapping a box of luxury soaps for a box of racist comments
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Dannyhood91 on April 11, 2018, 01:59:32 PM
Trying to impress a beautiful woman by loaning her 40p completely unprompted.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Gregory Torso on April 11, 2018, 02:08:15 PM
A tripe child rapidly deteriorates through friction.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on April 11, 2018, 02:08:54 PM
A lout pulls a woman's skirt up to reveal only the yawning blankness at the heart of his being. He shrivels and -that- stare is fixed to his complexion for another 75 years of timid defeated existence.

The name? Legend Gary.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Gregory Torso on April 11, 2018, 02:10:38 PM
"Too many black kids in the crowd tonight" thinks the geography teacher as he begins his rap battle against the student he's been trying to fuck.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Gregory Torso on April 11, 2018, 02:20:43 PM
Dashcam footage of Ricky Martin threatening to rape an Uber driver "Las Vegas style".
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: SteveDave on April 11, 2018, 03:30:23 PM
Walkers new Sandpaper flavour crisps are discontinued.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: ollyboro on April 11, 2018, 11:27:55 PM
Keith snags his penis on his Nan's St Christopher during a joyless tit wank.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: spamwangler on April 11, 2018, 11:42:59 PM
"Too many black kids in the crowd tonight" thinks the geography teacher as he begins his rap battle against the student he's been trying to fuck.

liquid
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Twit 2 on April 12, 2018, 12:11:09 AM
A man is bullied into whoredom by a sack-titted parasite.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Spoon of Ploff on April 12, 2018, 07:05:36 AM
A woman weeps in front of a jar of old ten pence pieces.

Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on April 12, 2018, 01:01:52 PM
However, occluded by a pillar, a second woman stands there unmoved, but bleeding from the knee.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: FerriswheelBueller on April 12, 2018, 01:15:54 PM
A nearby crow watches it all unfold, and does nothing.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Namtab on April 12, 2018, 03:18:01 PM
(https://i.imgur.com/KN9CNvI.png)
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: dex on April 12, 2018, 08:20:49 PM
His dad is bigger than your dad.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: dex on April 13, 2018, 08:21:08 AM
A Gideon's bible is used as a gag in a DIY BDSM scene. *Loses hotel diposit*
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Spoon of Ploff on April 13, 2018, 05:28:37 PM
A man reads an email from United Nation Diplomat Agent; Lord S Ruben and wonders what he'll do with that 10 million USD.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Spoon of Ploff on April 13, 2018, 05:31:18 PM
His dad is bigger than your dad.

And a comparison of anal fissures proved it.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Dannyhood91 on April 13, 2018, 06:37:52 PM
Redefining the word compromise so that you can twat your bird all the time
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Dannyhood91 on April 13, 2018, 10:08:17 PM
Boiled shit
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: spamwangler on April 13, 2018, 11:20:32 PM
Boiled shit

Shoulders?stomach! will fucking love this one
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Glebe on April 14, 2018, 12:21:00 AM
Rik Waller unfriends David Dickinson on Facebook.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Vodka Margarine on April 14, 2018, 01:18:06 AM
At the worst school disco of 1996, a shy fourteen year old sapling is told to go fuck himself by a balding dad when 'Common People' is awkwardly requested.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: ollyboro on April 14, 2018, 02:59:46 AM
After an appalling set of circumstances in Alabama, 1926, an irony loving black man attending a fancy dress party as a Klansman ends up lynching his wife to preserve his anonymity.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: FerriswheelBueller on April 14, 2018, 03:32:26 AM
A chlamydia awareness session goes too far.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on April 14, 2018, 07:24:39 AM
Stuart Miles comes bottom in a poll of memorable Blue Peter presenters

"I'll show you memorable you fucking cunts"

He disfigures a heron, gaining no fame.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: dex on April 14, 2018, 09:04:41 AM
Owen Jones is given the bum's rush by a Tory Nan.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Glebe on April 14, 2018, 02:03:13 PM
John of Harrow drives his moped through the window of a Poundstretcher in Furness, in protest at rises prices at the thrift-store.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: ollyboro on April 14, 2018, 04:46:31 PM
At her deathbed Keith is stunned when his Nan whispers the secret ingredient to her famous chocolate log, and immediately rushes off to google Hepatitis A and E.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Utterdrivel on April 15, 2018, 03:03:12 AM
Maureen's soft palate collapses in Costa.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: BlodwynPig on April 15, 2018, 03:07:00 AM
Bowl cut, “Fred West” perm, mullet and bald. The life and times of Maureen’s hair in a presentation frame for her 30th birthday.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Dannyhood91 on April 15, 2018, 06:36:37 PM
A young single mum on fire.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Dannyhood91 on April 15, 2018, 06:41:52 PM
Trying to impress the lasses with your peter griffin laugh
(Me circa 2005)
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: FerriswheelBueller on April 15, 2018, 06:46:13 PM
Linda and Tony Gilkes, from Thorntree, are refused meat pies before 9am in Berwick Hills Morrisons, Middlesbrough.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Dr Syntax Head on April 15, 2018, 07:27:49 PM
Susan gets up in the middle of the night for a snack. She makes a lovely big bowl of weetabix. One taste and she pukes. She put salt on it instead of sugar. She goes back to bed, hungry and alone.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Dannyhood91 on April 15, 2018, 10:27:14 PM
The Tweenies reluctantly suck off a bus driver.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Phil_A on April 15, 2018, 10:59:04 PM
Rik Waller unfriends David Dickinson on Facebook.

Rik Waller appears as an unprompted suggestion of a potential friend on a stranger's facebook page. The suggestion is ignored.















True story.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: ollyboro on April 16, 2018, 10:30:46 AM
Linda and Tony Gilkes, from Thorntree, are refused meat pies before 9am in Berwick Hills Morrisons, Middlesbrough.
Don't be ridiculous. Only a pair of 3 times a week fish and chip cunts would go whinging to the Gazette because Mozzas wouldn't sell them some pies at 8:45am. Try and keep it realistic.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Dr Syntax Head on April 16, 2018, 12:50:18 PM
The Tweenies reluctantly suck off a bus driver.

Presumably pimped out by that red face grandad Tweenie man
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Gregory Torso on April 16, 2018, 12:52:15 PM
An insomniac anus ponders life and rap lyrics as an enormous turd slowly emerges from its toothless mouth over the course of four miserable hours.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Spoon of Ploff on April 16, 2018, 01:06:21 PM
Some people on the internet wonder who is going to start the fourth Desolation Thread, and if they will be able come up with a good name for it.

Because 'The Arid Mind' wasn't all that.
Title: Re: Desolation III: The Arid Mind
Post by: Utterdrivel on April 16, 2018, 05:51:55 PM
Roger Waters awakens to find himself in Israel.

A Thameslink train leaves dead on time. It crashes. No survivors.

A pig, in a cage, on antibiotics.