-
Desolation III: https://www.cookdandbombd.co.uk/forums/index.php/topic,58360.0.html
Maude tuts as a disabled man is allowed to board a bus ahead of her.
-
A start up VPN allows too much questionable access for Mitch.
-
A mortgage broker must spend an afternoon dredging tapeworms from his anus, all the while watching £8,000s worth of business drift away to a competitor. Yes, watching. He has visual access to the retail unit across the street via a slat.
-
"Daaad, Gramps has done another whoopsie."
-
A death largely results from a confusing latch.
-
Roy Wood proudly declares himself lactose intolerant to his three cats: Baby, Jive and Seemy.
-
Simon returns home to find his mum has taken all his Steeley Dan albums to her local charity shop because 'they were taking up too much space in the living room.'
-
A tiny dogshit effigy of Jacob Rees-Mogg turns out to be the only thing of any value on the Scunthorpe edition of Antiques Roadshow.
-
Andrew lives for the day when he gets to inherit a lathe from the school workshop whilst renovations go on. Fat chance of that. The cancer has spread too fast and to vastly for him to last the week.
-
Dane Bowers opens a Greggs branch in Milton Keynes.
-
Simon returns home to find his mum has taken all his Steeley Dan albums to her local charity shop because 'they were taking up too much space in the living room.'
Starts humming "The Things I Miss the Most". PS. See avatar
-
Where are we going dad?
'Beachy head. Hush now'
-
A bloated boy makes a friend in an escaped convict.
-
the vicar looks apon a tearful, expectant congregation, wracks his brains
"Bernard, ., . Bernard was . . mediocre, EXTREMELY mediocre, BALL ACHINGLY SO"
-
Dane Bowers opens a Greggs branch in Milton Keynes.
"Love Greggs"
-
An aging cafe owner overhears two regulars gleefully mocking the couple of small paintings on the wall. He musters a toothless smile as they finish up, leaving a handsome tip. He carefully reaches up and takes the paintings down. "Father was right, painting isn't for halfwits like me." He carries them under each arm into the utility cupboard, turning them to face the wall. No-one will ever see his baroque scat orgy watercolours again.
-
A corroded daddy cow is riven on an industrial band saw to provide beef scrap sarnies for the IT department's annual twig-picking excursion.
-
“Arise, Sir Wayne Rooney.”
-
A butcher wins ten quid on the Grand National and over-enthusiastically fosbury flops over a hydraulic fat slicer into a basket of puckered arseholes.
-
A butcher wins ten quid on the Grand National and over-enthusiastically fosbury flops over a hydraulic fat slicer into a basket of puckered arseholes.
+1 Karma!
-
A "genesis device" constructed from - among other items - a bit of old glans, malfunctions on a dual carriageway.
-
"Middle names... come on middle names
Hmmm just something
Come on
Ah - Gary"
-
A Stretch Armstrong loses a limb... in the shadows someone chuckles.
A red faced couple decide to flip a coin on who gets to keep Billy... it lands in a fresh puddle of the sickly child's vomit.
-
After putting on a load of weight a dedicated incontinence sufferer is alarmed to discover PJ Hughes have discontinued his favoured elastic waisted, wet look, piss coloured slacks.
-
A budding amateur inventor builds a working time machine by accident, he travels back to see his own birth, only to press a couple of wrong buttons causing him and the machine to land on top of his mum, killing everything.
-
A 41-year-old man discovers that he knows nobody of sufficient professional seniority to countersign his passport application.
-
A middle-aged shut-in is so frightened by his own ejaculation that his neighbours call 999.
-
A budding amateur inventor builds a working time machine by accident, he travels back to see his own birth, only to press a couple of wrong buttons causing him and the machine to land on top of his mum, killing everything.
fuck me, i found this one harrowing for some reason
-
A urophiliac's first sexual experience with an understanding partner is scuppered by his inability to relieve himself while in the presence of other people
-
A Craig David bedspread from 2001, upon which rests a single, pathetic, unhealthy turd.
-
A dog votes BNP.
-
Injecting mustard into your sleeping dads dick.
-
A heron is raped to the theme of The (US) Office
-
The Complete Desolation, Vol 1 (http://www.kenandstu.com/podcast/The%20Complete%20Desolation%20Vol%201.htm)
The Complete Desolation, Vol 2 (http://www.kenandstu.com/podcast/The%20Complete%20Desolation%20Vol%202.htm)
The Complete Desolation, Vol 3 (http://www.kenandstu.com/podcast/The%20Complete%20Desolation%20Vol%203.htm)
-
A heron is raped to the theme of The (US) Office
Absurdly good. Maybe a switch to another animal would make it even funnier.
-
A half-drunk Steve Rider scribbles down ideas for 'Grandstand: The Dinner Experience,' only to rip up his notepad two beers later.
-
A wheezing old man finds a Queens Silver Jubilee mug in his garden shed and wonders what happened to his country.
-
A magpie carries off a duckling
-
After a morning of slinging sharp pebbles at cyclists, Compo flakes off some of his impetigo scabs into Clegg's tea.
-
Compo and Clegg cause Foggy to have a Normandy flashback when they take him on an illegal grouse shoot.
-
The sugar tax renders drinking petrol cheaper than pop. A bag of hot chips is passed round and the family dog steals yours.
-
Compo lies down in a stream under a footbridge hoping to look up a lady's skirt as she crosses. He catches pneumonia. His first course of action is to try and infect Clegg; when that fails, he reluctantly goes to the hospital where he steals three pens and coughs on as many children as possible. Foggy later sells his antibiotics to a farmer as "lamb speed".
-
Compo and Clegg cause Foggy to have a Normandy flashback when they take him on an illegal grouse shoot.
[/quote
Fucking massive chuckle at that
-
Howard from the Halifax advert punching Emily Ratajkowski square in the fucking chops after a game of Uno.
Proper flattens her.
-
A shut in pornography goliath is forced to attend a trip to the British Museum.
-
A buried penis syndrome survivor spills his yoghurt in a vestry.
-
A panopoly of dysenterists co-evacuate on an industrial estate.
-
Seymour builds a face-fucking machine and climbs up into an old oak tree where he fucks his own face for the rest of that afternoon.
-
I see the heavyweight desolates are having a field day in here. Keep it up.
-
Ten mail clerks devour their collective body weight in vile rancid chicken flesh without suspecting a thing.
-
A magpie carries off a duckling
A tumour carries off a hummingbird.
-
An uneducated scrote throws a Lobster Thermidor out the window because it’s “gay”.
-
Percy The Parkeeper knows where the bodies are hidden.
-
A pair of first year students at Sheffield Hallam university solely through references and squeals.
-
Paul Ross’s family has just been him in different wigs the whole time.
-
An office worker posts his suicide note on his company's intranet. It's seen 3 years later when the company is taken over by Chinese robots.
-
A knackered old hag frigs herself off to Disney’s animated Hercules and thinks of happier days.
-
A small, rented room is suffused with the smells of cigarette smoke and store-brand energy drinks.
-
Sun, Sex and Suspicious Packages
-
A park bench carrying the engraving
"R.I.P
Gavin Denton
'Battered Sausage + Peas Wrapped Up'
1978-2018'
Is given a wipe down with an axe
-
An arse can't even be bothered to shit.
-
A park bench carrying the engraving
"R.I.P
Gavin Denton
'Battered Sausage + Peas Wrapped Up'
1978-2018'
Is given a wipe down with an axe
+2 karma
-
The shit birthed at the same time as her first born son actually attracts more attention.
-
A cock can't even be bothered to cum.
-
A coffee cup full of water, vinegar and cum.
Down the hatch, it’s good for ya.
-
A family leans in to hear a dying matriarchs final words
"L....l...lynch the blacks and ...l...lez....lezzers"
-
A man's eyes start to glaze over half way through the second paragraph on the Abyssal Plain Wikipedia page.
-
Paddy has a breakdown on Take me out. "Let the barbed cock see the dripping quim" he screams before taking a vintage revolver belonging to his grandad and taking out 6 of the contestants. This is Sunday morning and it's all in his head as he cries into his cornflakes. "Why am I this way?" he weeps. "I could've been a Corden". He is alone.
-
Bloke fucks a Dr Marten.
-
A man's eyes start to glaze over half way through the second paragraph on the Abyssal Plain Wikipedia page.
From that moment on, Prof. Barry Ruddick, the foremost expert in abyssal plain oceanography, is constantly mocked by junior postdocs and former colleagues, who call him an "Abyssopelagic" (in the pub, at the conferences, down the telephone line, in his dreams).
-
An anxious man dreams that he has hair again. Except the fulsome hair is growing into his eyeballs. A few days later he develops pink eye. (True story).
-
An anxious man dreams that he has hair again. Except the fulsome hair is growing into his eyeballs. A few days later he develops pink eye. (True story).
*shudders*
-
An anxious man dreams that he has hair again. Except the fulsome hair is growing into his eyeballs. A few days later he develops pink eye. (True story).
Fuck sake
-
An anxious man dreams that he has hair again. Except the fulsome hair is growing into his eyeballs. A few days later he develops pink eye. (True story).
It was you wasn't it Blodders. It was your dream. It was your nightmare.
-
It was you wasn't it Blodders. It was your dream. It was your nightmare.
It was. But I didn't want to do a dream thread cos they are shit. Has anyone ever done a horror story/film about hair growing into eyeballs because it was disquieting. Last night (not night of dream) I woke and touched my closed eye and a spark of intense pain shot through it and I still have the pain now and a migraine. THAT'S WHERE MY HAIR WENT
-
A baby opens its mouth to cry but nothing comes out except a Flo Rida remix of the Emmerdale theme tune.
-
A botfly refuses to lay eggs in Harold's skin as it is too rank.
-
A librarian entertains herself by badly forging authors' signatures on books in the erotic fiction section.
-
A wheelwright wins a DVD
-
An agoraphobic woman stages her own episode of Come Dine With Me with manikins instead of people and still doesn't win.
-
A gleeful cherub, bouncing and jolly 53 years later is coined THE LONDIS PAEDO.
-
Greg celebrates the fact it's Friday by watching his favourite film "Joy" starring Jennifer Lawrence for the 7th time. He really loves this film and has it on Blu-Ray as well as DVD despite not having a Blu-Ray player.
-
A hedgehog explodes in a bonfire, taking dad's face off.
-
A pub landlord's ring tone is a screaming donkey's bray, reminds him of the good days.
-
A wrinkly headmaster metamorphosis's into a 13 foot woodlouse during the schools sports day, only to be smashed to bits by some local louts.
-
A war memorial is raped by a bitter virgin.
-
Following his double orchidectomy, Clive starts crying when his son asks for some marbles.
-
A midget tests all the seat belts of the cars on sale at an auction.
-
"Hello?"
...
"Hello? Who is this?"
...
"Hello? Is there anybody there?"
...
"Hello? I can't hear you"
"Goodbye"
He doesn't even own a telephone.
-
The cast and crew of BBCs Robot Wars are released into the wild. "Theyz lux so 'appy" muses James the games keeper "buh wi wintah commin I dontz hold out muj 'ope"
-
A giant turd consumes Bristol.
-
Wrapping your dick round the dogs gnashers.
-
A security guards ankles decimate into bits of bone and gristle after standing in the same spot for three weeks.
-
A disillusioned magician’s assistant chucks her tits in a skip.
-
The Midlands goes off the grid.
-
Tattoo of a skeleton fucking a gannet.
-
A sniffer dog is made redundant because of 'those damn bees.'
-
Poo globs become legal tender in Southampton.
-
A rat-lothario admires himself in an oil slick before committing unspeakable acts on innocent mice.
-
After weeks of trying, Terrence manages to complete “the full Bristol scale” in a week - a family record!
-
Sepp Blatter, Michel Platini and Diego Maradona shake hands, order another half-pound of foie grass and two more bottles of champagne.
They laugh, and laugh, and laugh.
-
Paul The Arse Goblin pours caustic soda down a "Secondary Arse Goblin".
-
Hugely influential pedophile
-
A bearded ginger pauses a game of Unreal Tournament to Skype-in to his father’s funeral.
-
The inventor of Tough Mudder is found knee deep in sick with a hard on
-
Nigel Havers buys a Tim Westwood best-of compilation in order to "seem hip with the youths."
-
Tim Westwood.
-
a charity marathon runner expires in his Rhino suit.
-
Davina McCall miscarries during a Tough Mudder
"We go again"
-
An old rascal cums inside a tip jar.
-
An ailing restaurant starts selling zits.
-
In the opening seconds of the contest, a nervous Tough Mudder contestant dies of undiagnosed hypertrophic cardiomyopathy. At the funeral the attendees shit over his corpse and clothing then mash him into the base of a tree. It’s what he would have wanted, they sigh. It’s what he would have wanted.
-
The last item on your bucket list, have a wank in a rocking chair on a porch or veranda.
An evil mountaineers eternal torment in hell, is a perpetual case of diarrhoea that always leaves a stain in the shape of the north face of an alpine peak he never manage to conquer.
Seeing ,again, the true colours of a group of ‘respectable members of the community’ after they have had a few on a hot day.
Marrowfat peas
-
Tim Westwood.
Tim Westwood practices saying "urban pirate material" into a tape recorder to see if he sounds like a cool guy. He is 60 years old.
-
An obese man whose hands are so slippery with the savlon he has to apply to his chapped raw inner thighs that he can't get the bottle of finlandia vodka open that he needs to finish before his horrible wife gets back from her hair appointment.
-
A 400lb moron chases after moth on his tricycle.
-
The "another day" finally arrives at Fraggle Rock.
-
In a drunken stupor Bob Smilez eats his vintage King George VI and Queen Elizabeth commemorative half pint glass.
-
Cardi B sells a food mixer she just bought because the plastic has a weird, almost 'farty' smell off it. Listed in Exchange & Mart, £60 O.N.O.
-
A giant turd consumes Bristol.
(https://i2-prod.bristolpost.co.uk/news/bristol-news/article450710.ece/ALTERNATES/s1200/Luke-Howard-plays-piano-3jpeg.jpg)
-
A budding doctor from a war torn country fails to pass the final medical exam for the 3rd time in a row by saying the large intestine is the longest of the two.
-
A poor fuck consumes an entire pack of raw diced turkey at his parents funeral, reduced £1.67.
-
A blind children is given new eyes by James Corden
-
A 94 year old ta D-Day veteran takes out a Wonga loan in order to buy a Boots meal deal.
-
A squealing ball of pigs descends upon Holmfirth.
-
A squealing ball of pigs descends upon Holmfirth.
Onto a finishing school for debutantes.
-
An impotent fish fryer with chronic diarrhoea is rehoused in a pebble dashed semi.
-
A wheezing 'cuck' collapses out of a failed Gaschamberio in the newly kekistani occupied Isle of White, leading to a humiliated DDOS attack on a silicon valley based new age themed DIY euthanasia paraphernalia webstore (Putting the 'you' back in 'youthanasia', the music on the promotional video is Go Your Own Way)
-
A previously unnoticed skin blemish causes a frit heifer to topple off a docked ferry.
-
A sock learns to do sums but gets nervous during it's exams and flops dreadfully.
-
A retired court security guard staples a dead wasp to his meatus.
-
A disappointed mother attempts to force her screaming 12 year old son back up where he came from.
First orgasm for Becky in six years.
-
The inhabitants of a three mile wide fatberg floating in the Thames estuary declare independence from the UK.
-
An estranged father finally reconnects with his adult son in a tearful birthday reunion. A month later they drive to the old town, and step out to view the old family home, where Linda, wife and mother, succumbed to that mass inside her brain all those years ago.
They don't need to speak. They understand each other.
Pulling out of the avenue, the car is hit by a speeding Argos HGV, causing what police later describe as 'life-changing' injuries.
-
A man called Bongle makes a pathetic attempt to establish a cryptocurrency.
-
An 18 year old student escapes a deadly explosion in a Preston shopping centre which kills 31 people and injures 141. After checking in as "safe" on Facebook she receives 1 message , from her dad.
"give a shit"
-
The approbation a carpenter receives after having made a paedophile their dream nonce barn is cancelled out by finding his raped daughter’s viscera in the fags and crisps infested ditch round the back of Budgen’s.
-
John wanks into a haddock.
-
A suicidal van driver's call for help during Talksport's Alan Brazil show is cut off by an advert for The Alan Brazil Show.
-
What have you been upto today dear?
Shivering on the bed trying to come up with a better answer to that question he thinks
-
A segment of hard standing can't mask the emptiness of Lawrence's existence, but he really thought it might.
-
A militant group of Ricky Gervais supporting students answer every question in University Challenge with a Joey Deacon impression.
-
My dream three way is with Alexa and Siri
-
Whilst reminiscing about the only notable moment in his entire life, a fifty two year old man notices the dried spunk on the ribbon of his Jim'll Fix It badge for the first time.
-
A wayward 70s child is fucked and beaten by a businessman in an underpass.
-
Norman of Skegness runs out of toilet paper and uses an expensive doily.
-
Brian expires.
-
Orville from Keith Harris and Orville spies Rush Hour 2 in a Poundstretcher bargain bin, but huffs about the £1.49 price to the shy girl at the checkout.
-
Ronny Hazlehurst aggressively composes some new music for the Last Of The Summer Wine in his head as he stuffs the body of a hitchhiker into a culvert on the Yorkshire moors
-
Ronny Hazlehurst aggressively composes some new music for the Last Of The Summer Wine in his head as he stuffs the body of a hitchhiker into a culvert on the Yorkshire moors
Karma.
-
Peter Andre accidentally creates the cure to all cancers. Doesn't realise.
-
George George George of the Jungle, Watch out for that Divorce
-
Ralf Little is introduced as "Ralph Fiennes from The Fast Show" as he opens a new Wetherspoons in Wolverhampton.
-
"Seriously who comes on a HYS and downvotes a lot of good luck messages wishing the dude a speedy recovery from an injury that could rule him out of a CL final and World Cup? Is it his money, skill, looks or stunning GF that drives such jealousy? Or complete desolation in your depression filled joyless life? Some folk really need to get a grip. Truly toxic world we live in now.
Downvote away!"
A desperately lonely 28 year old lottery winner in Preston smirks when his four sock puppet accounts elicit this response on the BBC website. A solid morning's work. Just enough time for a wank before brunch and Homes Under The Hammer.
-
Two old soldiers reminisce about wanks they had in basic training.
-
a Bad Manners cover band have a bloody good look at themselves
-
Enrolling your nephew into a dick sucking scholarship.
-
A crumbling 30 year old male NEET joins an online LazyTown forum.
-
Colin slips in the shower and lands anus-first on an open bottle of mint Original Source.
-
Biff, an ailing coal miner replaces his wife's eyelids with slices of salami after she blacks out following a heavy trifle.
-
The metric median of the Brexit demographic burps gravy and regret all over the air inside a taxi.
-
Olly Murs' annual fee to the Heart FM playlist team is quadrupled 'for a laugh'.
-
A veteran apartheid campaigner is wronged by a black neighbour over the planting of a conifer and so spends the rest of her life exiting any room containing a black person.
-
A Michael Gove impersonator wins a suckjob at the fair.
-
A Frisbee breaks apart a woebegone squirrel.
-
The first whites-only miniature railway opens in Dover.
-
The sudden realisation of a wasted life hits a 59 year old football fan during a visit to Go Ape.
-
A Michael Gove impersonator wins a suckjob at the fair.
Trades it in for the monetary equivalent.
-
A Cheeky Girl milks a morbidly obese Chinaman for £500.
-
A hipster amateur photographer experiences his first real emotion in years when he realises his portfoli of images of BT telephone boxes has no artistic or intellectual value whatsoever.
Unlike his death from eating all the negatives.
-
A sweat flannel and a cum flannel swap jobs for the day. Morale declines.
-
A cum-burping hyperslut clocks-in at Lidl.
-
A portrait of Dane Bowers scowls from the wall of a childrens' hospice, its pectorals seeming to grow slightly larger with each child's last breath.
-
Seymour climbs into an old oak tree to test his new remote lamb-raping device and delights in its success.
-
"You know I was telling you about that coathanger trick that will avoid you needing to fly to the UK for the op?
Well, we're out of coathangers
-
Bill Owen changes Peter Sallis' dressing room sign to say "Beta Sallis" and struts off to "neg" Nora Batty.
-
Nicholas Lyndhurst shits himself dry at a family picnic.
-
An alcoholic grandparent is panicked by some Comic Sans.
-
A burns victim finally finds solace by consuming a lard braised mooncup.
-
Lauren Harries squats atop a glass coffee table for £30 while a moon-faced forensic accountant lies beneath, squeezing his flaccid wang.
-
Some ampitated tendrels go off next to a bap
-
A menstruating nostril is ineptly cauterized by a wan orderly.
-
A man is slowly turning black beneath the underpass. Each day a new coat of ash and exhaust. He finds an empty plastic Biro case and begins to scratch into the soft deep silt around him, final desperate effort to articulate this buried unlit existence.
In the morning, he lies supine, flakes of soot collecting in his eyes, the huge letters filling the underground, though even now they are being erased by the constant black snow: FUCK. OFF. BITCHS.
-
A delayed Arriva Trains Wales service reeks of cock
-
Alan wakes up tomorrow and finds he's turned into his (deceased) father.
-
"I don't wanna be that guy, but fuck me, that is one ugly baby!" quips Prince Philip.
-
A self proclaimed dovahkiin attempts to validate his life by shouting 'Fus Ro Dah!' at a gang of pissed up skinheads.
-
A racist music teacher puts together a flute choir to play Rule Britannia.
-
A slow boat to Brighouse
-
Packs it all in to play nose flute for coins in Telford.
-
An epileptic jr sales assistant twitches on the office carpet in time to the grinding rhythm of a fax coming through inquiring about an upcoming swan fight in the red lion carpark
-
Bobby Davro’s underpants (unwashed).
-
The video of The Grand Opening of The Symonds Yat Scat Club Wet Room is a man pissing on himself in his own bath.
Just the thought of that gave you a right stalk-on didn't it YOU DIRTY BASTARDS.
-
The island of Guernsey plays host to a visiting wizard, who burns the entire population of the island in a big wicker walnut.
-
Somebody out there in the world begins to enjoy the fishy residue left at the bottom of cups by effervescent tablet drinks.
-
A baked bean watches Loose Women.
-
'CHILDREN WILL PLAY!' 'reinvigoration' webinar for over-60 Workington library staff
-
An overweight simpletons gothic wedding has a poor turnout.
-
After failing his grade 1 exam, Michael convinces his father to sue the piano teacher.
-
A leering entomologist uses electric shocks from a 9v battery to force an ant to twerk.
-
Jarvis graciously offers to tow Mike's broken-down car home. Unfortunately they only have bungee ropes to hand.
-
A time capsule buried in 1825 is handed to the foreman of a building site.
"Bin it"
-
A struggling boys' school accepts a large donation from a louche homosexual, on the back of the school's promise to supply enough cum for him to wallpaper his study.
-
After an abortive suicide attempt, the internet's 'grumpy cat' is put on sertraline.
-
A struggling boys' school accepts a large donation from a louche homosexual, on the back of the school's promise to supply enough cum for him to wallpaper his study.
Laughed
-
Sue is secretly delighted that the cake she baked whilst fully nude gave everyone dysentery.
-
A struggling boys' school accepts a large donation from a louche homosexual, on the back of the school's promise to supply enough cum for him to wallpaper his study.
Ha!
-
A defrocked vicar gets aroused while watching a news report about a fish kill.
-
A postman with a tiny head and enormous cock.
-
Ron of Runcorn eats a whole Tesco frozen turkey a vomits in a neighbour's hired skip.
-
Shed Seven
Disco Down
-
five bedside cabinets stuffed full of unsolved Get The Picture from the Independent
-
A Greg (from Staffordshire) explodes with stress on a particular Monday.
-
Sorry I forgot to pick the kids up from school, I was locked into a two hour escitalopram wank
-
An artisanal pulled midget bap goes stale in a Kenyan boulangerie.
-
A toilet backs up and all muddy shit flows out onto your new bathroom lino.
-
A hipster-vegan-trendy type is offered a meat alternative of piss soaked cress in a Birmingham Travelodge.
-
Stewart declares being able to watch his rape porn in HD "a game-changer".
-
You examine a sparrow from your garden window, while your mates spend Saturday night living it up. Oh, you silly goose!
-
A Belgian electro-swing night in an abandoned windmill goes exactly to plan
-
Martin from Guernsey slams three mice into the side of a fridge.
-
Earwax on your telephone receiver and helmet cheese on the mouthpiece.
-
"Put aside the nobleman and become the stinking ranger you were chosen to be," Elrond tells Aragorn.
-
An unblinking Gary Barlow clutches four yellowing Jeffery Archer novels and growls "two quid and that's me final offer... 'mate'" to an underbrained assistant at Wood Green Stockport.
-
Biff, an ailing coal miner replaces his wife's eyelids with slices of salami after she blacks out following a heavy trifle.
Laughed
-
A jaundiced gannet mistakes a sailor’s prolapsed flotsam for the cave of its rival.
-
Your dad spends his retirement carefully etching swastikas into every visible surface of the family mausoleum.
-
Wolf perineum on wet ciabatta, "very tainty" - Gregg Wallace.
-
Wolf perineum on wet ciabatta, "very tainty" says Gregg Wallace, his chins wet.
from behind the bushes, the former Gladiators star smiles
"this. this is my life now"
this.
-
A closeted Hull result resident’s wife has the run of the cheese.
-
Reginald Twat is all aflutter. He has spent the whole morning traipsing around Barnet, trying to find himself a new vole. One rum pet shop owner suggests he buy a shrew instead. Reginald gets violent and shoves his face into a nearby crate.
-
the name "Archie Gemmil" inexplicably enters the mind of a fretting commuter, causing him to miss his stop at Sittingbourne
-
A showering Gerald looked down toward his toes. He remembered a time when he could see his penis past his tummy.
Six months at the gym later, a proud Gerald looks down, past his flat stomach, toward his toes. He still can't see it.
Of course... The accident.
-
A reluctant introvert is made to strip naked and sing The Birdy Song - including dancing to it and doing all the motions - at a wedding afters.
-
In the year 2018, Leonard uses the last ink in a plastic Bic to scratch out his "Hotness Ranking" of The Bangles. He places Susanna Hoffs fourth.
-
A Moldovan paedophile cabal clog up a branch of Tesco extra with halitosis and indecision.
-
another of Tom's 365 projects runs out of steam halfway through week two... following five consecutive days of 'big toe with smiley face' photos.
-
Roger buys clogs for fiance Mavis. She is not impressed.
-
A marchioness can't break out her torpor to stop her son from pulling the cat's legs off.
"We used to be so free," she thinks.
-
Dad rage-quits the family during a canal boat holiday.
Last seen wading through the Trent & Mersey canal, his face a swollen plum of hate.
-
A malfeasant sullies a bugler's yam.
-
A woman with Down syndrome pours hot coffee over a tramp
-
A deviant renews his vows with a soggy slot
-
Peruvian dick wrestling
-
Theresa May is asked for a selfie by a millennial.
-
Nick Griffin headlines Glastonbury
-
Simon Shropshire is inconsolable after losing his collection of green Bic pen tops in a bet.
-
A grey man dries his pubic flange with a Plymouth Argyle tea towel.
-
Donald always wears socks when he has a bath. He says he can't abide the idea of water being in direct contact with his feet. Donald is not a well man.
-
A raging John Bercow throws a box of paperclips at a cowering intern before declaring himself "Big Johnny B" and downing a Tennents Extra.
-
A small child wishing for a crate of brake fluid for christmas
-
A heated exchange between two Dewsbury lads at the job centre about cling film.
-
A woman with Down syndrome pours hot coffee over a tramp
Good one.
-
A middle manager at a local authority recycling plant spends an entire morning eyeing a 53 plate Subaru Impreza on Gumtree.
-
G.D has been long suffering as a closet homosexual. He has a debilitating health condition to boot and has mobility issues because his feet have been surgically trimmed down. [Purse your lips for the our song whistling] G.D thinks he has struck gold on Grindr this time. A young, virile 18 year old has made contact. G.D enthusiastically sets up a liaison. When Trevor arrives G.D is a little concerned as Trevor looks very fresh faced for an 18 year old. For all his faults, G.D wants to be responsible and asks Trevor for some ID. Keyed up and panicking, Trevor lunges for G.D's wallet and scarpers from G.D's North London flat. G.D gives chase but trips over his clubbed feet and lands in some fresh dog shit. Sobbing, G.D limps back in ruined chinos to the flat and douses himself in bleach.
-
A parsnip eats itself, thinking it's a shark that can't find any food.
-
Dad rage-quits the family during a canal boat holiday.
Last seen wading through the Trent & Mersey canal, his face a swollen plum of hate.
Tremendous
-
Barry Hawkins v Mark Williams
-
Hah
-
A chocolate shop in Mudchute goes into administration.
-
17 year old Meg performs a underwhelming blow job on 35 year old Steven for a bag of ket which turns out to be washing powder.
-
In an incident that would go on to devastate his local community Pete gets his shits and giggles mixed up.
-
Tim accidentally wets himself at a speed dating night and tries to pass it off as an interest in watersports.
-
Jason Mohammed docks his gardener a day's wages for disputing the need for airstrikes in Syria.
-
A punk realises he's wasted his life.
-
A dusty winter glove now fixed for weeks in its position draped over a scattering of dry dog turds.
-
A weeping Judge Jules has a breakdown in front of 50,000 festival goers, tears splashing on a spinning 12" of David Morales' Needin' U.
"Dad was right. It is just noise."
-
A hangglide instructor marks his first anniversary since his divorce by drinking bleach.
-
A hangglide instructor marks his first anniversary since his divorce by drinking bleach.
MAX KARMA
-
A piping hot, cheesy baked potato is smushed into a child's face for no other reason than spite.
-
One brave soldier misses the memo that Alfie's Army has been disbanded, and continues shouting outside of hospitals alone for the next few months.
-
A misused flan is subject to prolonged gravitational forces along a slight decline.
-
The thud of dog on wall draws a disinterested tut from Clive, 22.
-
A Bodger-and-Badger mashed-potato fetishist signs up to Plenty of Fish.
-
After 50 years and only having one day off, a milkman neglects to attend the scene of his son's death in a car crash "on principle".
-
A Scotsman dies suddenly of malcontent after his swan boat springs a leak. This happens at Alton Towers.
-
Reality hits Sajid Javid right in the face as Theresa May orders the rest of the Cabinet, under threat of demotion, to "congratulate the first ever Paki Home Secretary on his appointment."
-
A masturbat-athon enters its 3rd day.
-
A man waves back at an attractive jogger, who was actually waving at her friend a short way behind him. He attempts to cover for this by scratching his nose, but misjudges the speed and distance and accidentally lobotomises himself. The jogger becomes his full-time carer, putting paid to any future jogging. Also the woman she was waving to was having a stroke and develops locked-in syndrome.
-
Ian Botham, aged 88, squirms naked on the floor of the Doncaster Arndale Centre. As a police officer tries to help him up, he attempts to slap her calf with his old cock while shouting "leg before wicket!"
-
A grey moth trapped in a puddle on top of a bus shelter looks up at the stars and pleads for them to fall.
-
Aged 45, Chris decides to try new things and he sticks a finger up his arse as he's having his morning wank in the shower. He cums in ecstasy and immediately dies.
His wife refuses to use the bathroom ever again after finding him bent over the bath looking like "a weird jug".
-
A grey moth trapped in a puddle on top of a bus shelter looks up at the stars and pleads for them to fall.
Beautiful
-
Russell Grant eats his fifth éclair of the day after receiving an email that describes him as "a walking Morrissey lyric".
-
A 41-year old man sees Russell Grant's name mentioned on an Internet form. He immediately goes onto Google to see whether Russell Grant is among the many light-entertainment celebrities who have died over the past couple of years.
-
"It wasn't so long ago that I did Strictly" he sighs before pushing a seventh between his chocolate stained lips.
-
After 50 years and only having one day off, a milkman neglects to attend the scene of his son's death in a car crash "on principle".
Hahaha
-
Liam Gallagher kicks a peacock to death.
“One less” he says triumphantly to himself as he strolls on down the gardens of some posh cunts estate.
-
Serenading the lads you’ve been seeing for a month with Frank Sidebottoms version of Panic in a shit pub in Halifax
-
A group of lads crowdfund their mate's heroin addiction because he is so boring straight up.
-
Bobby Ball screaming in the mirror at 4am.
-
Less than a minute after Ray's mother passes, Egon coldly, professionally erases her ghost. She was a class 5 roaming entity.
-
A desert lynx, the Caracal, apex predator of its habitat gets a till receipt wedged in its bastard.
-
A child turns 'Flixbus Green' in the mid day sun
-
Cliff Richard breaks free from his asbo tag by repeatedly cumming on it until it rusts away into a pile of sticky ore.
-
A hotly-tipped UKIP poster boy named Tarquin Fellows never makes his mark, and ends up spending the rest of this days pissed up on gin, slagging off foreigners from the comfort of safety of the snug of local pub The Foxhunter.
-
The brand slogan "By paedophiles, for paedophiles" is applied to a wordpress blog proposing love between children and adults.
-
PANORAMA: Stephen Lawrence, fifteen years on. Political correctness gone mad?
-
A plumber can't resist the siren song emitting from a rattling copper pipe in a Georgian care home, Cynthia 92 dies of cardiac arrest instantly upon witnessing Bobby the apprentice of Smith & Clinks Plumbers shooting his seed into the vibrating conduit.
-
A plumber can't resist the siren song emitting from a rattling copper pipe in a Georgian care home, Cynthia 92 dies of cardiac arrest instantly upon witnessing Bobby the apprentice of Smith & Clinks Plumbers shooting his seed into the vibrating conduit.
Love it.
-
The walls close in on Valerie, now trapped for five hours in an airport lift with a sexless Chinese child.
-
Major sporting and entertainment venues are concentrated in Kingston upon Hull, while the seaside and market towns support semi-professional and amateur sports clubs and provide seasonal entertainment for visitors. Bishop Burton is the site of an agricultural college, and Hull provides the region's only university.
-
Peter Davison checks the calendar. Only five more months to Doctor Whocon, Bournemouth. In the meantime, there's Sylvester McCoy's barbeque to look forward to in two months.
-
Mark Strickson won’t be there though. Not after TARDISfest, Milton Keynes last October where he sexually vandalised Eve Myles’ new shoes.
-
A man stands for a whole hour outside TARDISfest deciding whether to remove the letters IS or the letters TARD
Eventually his wife reminds him of his son laid there in hospital on a drip.
-
“Arise, Sir Jeremy Clarkson”
-
A sexually repressed man inherits 1 million pounds from his domineering mum and commissions a bespoke gay porn film of a Nigel Farage lookalike getting fisted by a Donald Trump stunt double.
-
A novelist suffering from writers block stares at an empty shopping list.
-
A grey moth trapped in a puddle on top of a bus shelter looks up at the stars and pleads for them to fall.
Genuine poetry and of the best ever posts in this thread.
‘I’ll put your cunt in the box,’ bellows a full-time mysogonist, referring to the Valentine’s ornament he’d purchased with the intention of issuing just such a threat.
-
An alun key is the leading piece of evidence in an involuntary buggery inquest.
-
A frenulum cries for aid, but no, no, no-one is coming.
-
Martin Amis discovers three mutilated frog corpses in his faux-gully.
-
The long dark, the long dark of night, a ten hour stretch on the freeway. Hmm. Actually. Sleep would be nice. Just catch up on a bit of sleep. Just a bit. Just a b
-
Paul Reiffel finds blood in his stools
"YES"
-
A man discovers that his first ever swipe right on Tinder in 2 years was an accident.
-
Laughed at Paul Reiffel
-
A malshapen henge druid glowers over her own faeces, looking glass in one hand, Bristol stool chart in the other.
-
Genuine poetry and of the best ever posts in this thread.
Thank you, Twit 2. Also I laughed at the juxtaposition of that and "I'll put your cunt in the box".
-
A gastric dreadnought downs his third live sheep of the day.
-
A stupid prick who has written two books about plums, finally accepts that due to his severe fructose intolerance he will never be able to consume the subject of his novels.
-
A crisp packet belonging to Roy Castle fetches £12.45 on eBay.
-
A just fucked emboldened unvirgin informs his sexual partner that "you were the fuck-test, that's all".
He doffs his cap and departs.
-
A new build semi opposite a statutory playpark is named ‘Kiddy Fiddles Grove’.
-
A bungalow is arrested for historical sexual offences, the owners are flattened in retribution by the parish council heavies.
-
A Greg orders a giant anchovy from the take away before remembering he absolutely hates anchovies. No refunds.
-
Len Smallwood realises that the reason he's unhappy is because he hates his left leg. He starts googling "circular saws" as the first step on the road to peace of mind..
-
Following a successful ear recalibration Denis can detect the tiny cries of alarm that flies make when they bump into a window.
-
Bertrand rustles.
8 days now in the sleeping bag.
-
A sobbing mechanic stoves his wife’s dogs in with a radiator.
-
Two wasps adherred to a diabetic man's pissy dungarees argue about the sugar content of urine.
-
Marlon sells his cock for 20 French pence and a pain au chocolat.
-
Jonathan of Zanzibar eats a whole box of Setler's Tums.
-
Welcome to the chamber Lord Nick Griffen!
-
A unilateral cryptorchid is given an incorrectly engraved Newton's Cradle as a redundancy gift.
-
After being cut off at a roundabout a cyclist slays the corresponding motorist with a travel-scimitar.
-
Andrew Sachs rams a gross of dull penguins through the back of a pub.
-
Cecil Stephenson, a specialist sunglasses salesman from 66 Sycamore Street Southsea, is laughed out of the speech therapist's consultation room after seeking help about his lisp.
-
Have you ever really got into detritus worms? John has.
-
The East Midlands Rotary Club gets together to smash a pug to bits.
-
Whilst mid-flight, an emotionally stable and satisfied with life trapeze artist notices his trapeze partner's prosthetic arms have fallen off.
-
A weeping slug miles jupps off a banana leaf into a crucible full of plain pringles.
-
Skegness is "da place to be!" for the annual Ermintrude Festival. This year, legal proceedings undertaken by the estate of The Magic Roundabout's creator prove successful, and the unofficial and highly-illegal event is shut down by excessively zealous police officers, who confiscate £500,00 worth of ecstasy before the gates have even opened.
-
A nunnery is raided, with a million pounds worth of heroin uncovered, disguised as a crucifix.
-
A grown man watches Steven Universe and genuinely thinks it's good.
-
Michael Crawford tells a lackey to "cure my chilblains or face the sack."
-
A rural bloater's hair-vest is fused to his torso by a tiny butane explosion from a faulty can of Lynx Excaliber.
-
A nunnery is raided, with a million pounds worth of heroin uncovered, disguised as a crucifix.
sounds like the pilot episode of something incredible
-
A group of scouts unanimously agree to ignore the fact they will be fucked up for life after witnessing the Arkela deepthroating the bloated arm of a type 4 diabetic Gypsy.
-
A nurse is quite proud to be stricken off for injecting a WW2 veteran with tainted milkshake.
-
BBC Four Slow TV: A saint's grave is filled with shit
-
Britain's most recent redundant self-immolates on Question Time in protest but it goes largely unnoticed and David Dimbleby completes hosting the episode in a normal fashion.
"What was that.... ...anyway..."
-
Ronnie Gumtrees tosses the last of his fruit salad into a lake in Colchester.
-
The Brian Belo Academy
-
A self harming primary school teacher orders 36 Stanley knives from B&Q
-
A flash mob in Halifax job centre.
-
Adrian Chiles sits in his Astra, his jaw clenching and unclenching in time to D:ream's "Things Can Only Get Better". Across the road, Alex Young is just exiting the One Show wrap party.
-
Syd Little and Bobby Davro share an awkward silence in the green room of a rubbish talk show
-
A sweating shitting resource drain prangs his whole fuckup down some steps. He then starts crying.
-
A shapeless long-hysterected wreckage in a beige jacket murmurs sweet nothings to the headstone of a shit dog.
-
Despite joining the Conservative party, the local hunt and the golf club, Rajeev is still mistaken for a waiter at the roundtable dinner and dance.
-
"Darmok and Jalad at Tenagra!"
"You wot mate!!?!"
-
A shrimp addicted telecoms engineer wretches up a final purges worth of crustacean exoskeletons 18 feet up a pylon.
-
Arnold from Suffolk pushes his brand-new 80" 4K TV against a pebble-dashed post in a fit of absolute grumpness.
-
A nosey/curious neighbor leans over a fortnight's worth of unopened milk bottles and presses her face to a living room window. She sees;
A Plastic Chair
A Plastic Table
A Smashed Computer,
A Victor Lewis Smith Fan, Pedulous, at Peace
-
Richey Edwards body finally washes up in Shrewsbury and is offered a vox pop gig on Channel 5's "That Shouldn't Happen To A Rock Star".
-
‘I check dumplings for lumplings,’ beams an avuncular oncologist, the screech of chain-rust above his sawn-off-tits punching bag ringing in his ears.
-
A live action role play is cancelled due to bad weather, and also because there isn't one, there aren't any members and it doesn't exist.
-
Brian from Aintree finds 3 pubic hairs in his soup.
‘Oh good they got my “special request” email’, he thinks before diving in.
-
A Porsche salesman’s internal screaming reaches the intensity where it is audible to prospective customers.
-
“The Society for a Happier Walsall” calls it a day. Both members are quietly relieved.
-
Pete Waterman's head stone comes back with the typo "THE SHIT MAN" to the delight of his three ex wives. He's not even dead.
-
Reginald spends the entire summer sitting in his dark Exeter bedsit, reading as much existential philosophy as he can get his mitts on.
-
A taxi driver pulls over for a tug.
-
Mark Hughes contests an unfair parking charge of £0.80 after being stuck behind a car for 5 minutes at the barrier, taking him over the 3 hour threshold. Promises he will "absolutely end" the attendant involved.
-
Cant remember what you did last night, but you do have a strong memory of a group of laughing people turning silent, and Finley Quaye pulling you to one side and telling you that that was
'Bang Out Of Fucking Order'
-
A taxi driver pulls over for a tug.
His passenger feels embarrassed.
-
A tabloid astrologer wakes up one morning to find he can see the dead: they are packed together across the skies in their millions, unable to move. When a plane goes through them it’s like a kayak cutting through algae on a pond.
-
"Stay! Stay!"
Gerry has been training the crisp packet for exactly nine hours and 55 minutes. It's time for a break.
-
A pushy mother buys a Kim Kardashian vajazzlement kit for her 8 year beauty pageant attending daughter.
-
Keith's victim impact statement: "Apps no longer recognise my face as a face."
-
Colin sells his house, cashes in his pension and empties his savings so he can follow his dream. Living in and operating a self-built mobile BDSM dungeon.
-
A cringing mother covers her son's eyes as his comatose grandfather slips into the final jolts of a wet dream
-
youre an awful bastard, fishfinger
but i like you
-
Six year old double leg amputee Timmy Timpson's excitement at trying out his new extra springy prosthetic blades quickly turns to horror when he reaches the lowest point of the seesaw and promptly trebuchets himself into a poop a scoop bin.
-
Trapping your ballskin in the toaster “by mistake”
E
-
Tripping up your wife as a joke and she cracks her head open on the fireplace and dies so you have to order something off justeat instead of having her lovely homemade broth
-
You find out every woman you’ve ever made love to all collectively refer to you as “The Slow Coach to Cleethorpes”.
-
A man enters a moebius rail replacement loop between Tamworth and Loughborough, never really getting home.
-
It’s red wine and beef juice tonight chortles Geoff as his distended and on-the-blob wife emerges from an ochre-stained mattress.
A computer error renders a hospice worker’s passport occupation as Destroyer Of The Fledgling Arses Of Infants.
Alan Hansen discovers the joy of lepidopterology just before he’s decapitated by a falling chimney stack.
-
When Gerald flopped his knob on the counter it was the beginning of the end for Budgens.
-
Sam shows his 60 year old Dad Wikipedia, and explains to it how it can be edited by anyone.
Dad chuckles as Sam leaves the room, thinking about the time Des Lynam snubbed him, and begins rewriting his page to say 'you big load of bollocks'.
-
A much anticipated session of anal pleasure goes wrong goes wrong for Hermann when some unexpected rectal pressure causes the full bottle of deodorant to empty into his colon.
-
youre an awful bastard, fishfinger
but i like you
Aren't we all, and likewise!
-
Barry Cryer flushes a lasagna down the toilet to
'save a lot of Fucking bother'
-
Kenneth Williams sneers at a homeless.
-
Kenneth Williams sneers at a homeless.
Its Charles Hawtrey, he pretends not to notice
-
"Fredrick! Have you put the cat out yet?"
"No, Mabel, just let me set up the catapult!"
"MEEEEROOOOOWWWW!!!"
-
Russell Grant is let off with a caution after jerry-rigging a seesaw to a moped engine and using this contraption to rapidly fire fondant fancies into his waiting mouth at a municipal play area.
-
Trevor's oversized love eggs show up during his full body CT scan.
-
Rory McGrath stands naked in front of the mirror every morning and yells "Excelsior!"
-
A middle-aged man discovers spiders growing out of his ears and feels nothing more than a vague sense of unease.
-
A stamped-on frog with a soggy Rizla for a shroud.
-
Three pavement Julies attempt to drag a semi-conscious Paul into a taxi.
-
A child's tongue on an ant-hill.
-
A wronged wife lines the inside of her husband's Fleshlight with razor blades.
Two days later their teenage son is rushed to hospital with serious genital wounding.
-
Alfred the Great tosses a Big Mac wrapper onto a rare monument.
-
"Come on love, look, it's Halley's comet! We won't see it again for 80 years"
"Nah you're alright"
Brian continues to watch DIY SOS.
-
Cold farts rolling out of a Primark underwear model’s pubic hair.
-
A devout Manichean loses a bid for tweezers on eBay
-
Rory McGrath stands naked in front of the mirror every morning and yells "Excelsior!"
Well played, Sir!
-
A promising university graduate falls into a Mertha Tydfyll sinkhole before they were ever able to come up with the cure for AIDS.
-
'Would a cuck do THIS?!'
Says a confused man into a webcam before chopping his cock off
-
'Would a cuck do THIS?!'
Says a confused man into a webcam before chopping his cock off
A delighted nation watches, and weeps with joy.
-
"Come on love, look, it's Halley's comet! We won't see it again for 80 years"
"Nah you're alright"
Brian continues to watch DIY SOS.
Meanwhile a soft coated black Labrador gazed at the very same comet during another one of its owner’s frenzied rape fits
-
A member of a Runcorn branch of Islamic State shags his doley on a bandit
-
A 50 year old hunts up the meaning of Hipster on his internet.
-
One half of French and Saunders is badly burnt.
They were stood next to each other and both got hit 50% each :(
-
An itinerant guitarist's decades old crusade to convince the world that The Final Cut is the best Pink Floyd album ends when he gets a call from Roger Waters telling him to belt up.
-
A rat chews an ecstasy tablet near a bramble in Chiswick.
-
David is called onto the stage during the Butlins caberet and made to dance to the Birdie Song to the delight of his long-suffering wife.
-
A man in a cow suit is opening a Poundstretcher in Yarmouth. The man inside the suit is Paddy McGuinness.
-
A fart connoisseur swills the decanted bum gas of a 1986 Woolworths cashier around inside his mouth before exhaling it into a tumescent balloon.
-
Backstage during a gruelling Children In Need marathon Sue Cook pisses into Gordon the Gopher until it is full.
-
Ainsley Harriott leans over and throatily mutters the word "dripping" into your ear as he shoves an unwrapped Picnic bar between your protesting lips.
-
Welcome to the house everyone, Lord Nicholas Griffen!
-
The only song which will be played at your funeral is the mastermind theme. Three times.
-
To this cover of the Joy Division classic: https://youtu.be/9LqGAtLYqx4?t=21 (https://youtu.be/9LqGAtLYqx4?t=21)
In fear every day, every evening
He posts to the thread from his phone
Obsessively crafting an update
Pain staking devotion to tone
Surrendered to grim realization
Of posters who find only bliss
In tales of the worst degradation
Though some are just taking the piss
Desolation, desolation, desolation
Mother, I tried please believe me
I’m doing the best that I can
Deso Quest doesn’t start till December
I’m ashamed of the poster I am.
Desolation, desolation, desolation
But if you could just see the beauty
In the bleakess I try to describe
Of socks full of poo and dead babies
With jizz coming out of their eyes
Desolation, desolation, desolation
Desolation
-
amazing
-
To this cover of the Joy Division classic: https://youtu.be/9LqGAtLYqx4?t=21 (https://youtu.be/9LqGAtLYqx4?t=21)
In fear every day, every evening
He posts to the thread from his phone
Obsessively crafting an update
Pain staking devotion to tone
Surrendered to grim realization
Of posters who find only bliss
In tales of the worst degradation
Though some are just taking the piss
Desolation, desolation, desolation
Mother, I tried please believe me
I’m doing the best that I can
Deso Quest doesn’t start till December
I’m ashamed of the poster I am.
Desolation, desolation, desolation
But if you could just see the beauty
In the bleakess I try to describe
Of socks full of poo and dead babies
With jizz coming out of their eyes
Desolation, desolation, desolation
Desolation
Fantastic.
-
A Flemish ne'er-do-well 'improves' a sandwich with a pavement slab.
-
BBC newsreader Huw Edwards finds a fly stuck to a Cornetto he is intending to buy in a Cornwall petrol station. He tosses it on the floor in disgust and walks out promptly, giving the cashier what I can only describe as a 'nasty' look.
-
To this cover of the Joy Division classic: https://youtu.be/9LqGAtLYqx4?t=21 (https://youtu.be/9LqGAtLYqx4?t=21)
In fear every day, every evening
He posts to the thread from his phone
Obsessively crafting an update
Pain staking devotion to tone
Surrendered to grim realization
Of posters who find only bliss
In tales of the worst degradation
Though some are just taking the piss
Desolation, desolation, desolation
Mother, I tried please believe me
I’m doing the best that I can
Deso Quest doesn’t start till December
I’m ashamed of the poster I am.
Desolation, desolation, desolation
But if you could just see the beauty
In the bleakess I try to describe
Of socks full of poo and dead babies
With jizz coming out of their eyes
Desolation, desolation, desolation
Desolation
Fantastic stuff.
-
To this cover of the Joy Division classic: https://youtu.be/9LqGAtLYqx4?t=21 (https://youtu.be/9LqGAtLYqx4?t=21)
In fear every day, every evening
He posts to the thread from his phone
Obsessively crafting an update
Pain staking devotion to tone
Surrendered to grim realization
Of posters who find only bliss
In tales of the worst degradation
Though some are just taking the piss
Desolation, desolation, desolation
Mother, I tried please believe me
I’m doing the best that I can
Deso Quest doesn’t start till December
I’m ashamed of the poster I am.
Desolation, desolation, desolation
But if you could just see the beauty
In the bleakess I try to describe
Of socks full of poo and dead babies
With jizz coming out of their eyes
Desolation, desolation, desolation
Desolation
That’s rather wonderful.
-
A saracen jams a bottle of Perrier water into a mirage of an oasis.
-
Primrose is haunted by the soul of the wasp she drowned in a jam jar back in '82.
-
A fart connoisseur swills the decanted bum gas of a 1986 Woolworths cashier around inside his mouth before exhaling it into a tumescent balloon.
Audible chuckle
-
Due to cutbacks a fire retardant at a day care centre for the disabled is one of the folks on their books.
-
By jove, is that really Zeinab Badawi? It certainly is, and it looks like she's gonna water gun the entire cornershop!
-
A balding janitor’s persistent fart grunts are the catalyst for his wife’s forensically planned septic tank murder.
-
There hasn't been a Genesis device made out of stools of dog turd and discarded adhesive before, and despite Duncan's best efforts, there still won't be this time in 2023.
-
There's plenty of rotten fruit in the cupboard, and Harris is ripe for a feast!
-
A londis is no place for a funeral, he thinks too late
-
Another weekend.. another Horror channel marathon.
-
A cold kipper depresses a bored Chiswick housewife.
-
(https://i.imgur.com/UKJ3kn7.png)
-
A senior civil servant absentmindedly classifies Quiche Lorraine as one of your five a day.
-
An atheist begs for a lovely pink afterworld, hunkered down in a puddle of shitty water in the middle of the Pennines.
-
Novi Sr, survived the gulags and escaped the Russian bear to come to Britian. His dream was to open a Russian chocolate emporium.
Too late in life to get this off the ground, on his death bed he makes Novi Jr promise to fulfill his dream.
There are so many hurdles and hoops to jump through. After burying his father and securing funding for the business venture the emporium is opened and named after his father in tribute:
Novichoc!
On its first day of opening Novi Jr is shot dead by Police marksmen with hollow tip bullets.
Gammon faced men argue on telly if its wrong or not.
-
She keeps the baby's ashes in a Poundland bag inside the rape wardrobe.
A fortnight of working in a Cardiff Poundland and Kelly Anne decides she will give prostitution a try after all.
A 38 year old abuse victim uses his giro to buy some colouring books and felt tips from Poundland. Despite his best efforts, he goes outside the lines on the very first page and rage-chokes his dog.
-
A Poundland director reads the nasty things people say about his company and hangs himself with his Poundland insignia work tie.
A Poundland employed contract cleaner discovers the corpse and his fresh stools within the hour.
She brings in the Poundland CEO from the boardroom who surveys the scene.
"Sort this shit out"
He turns and leaves.
-
After some brainstorming the board decide on some rebranding.
NuPoundLand
-
Fredegar scratches his nutsack on a hard shoulder on the M1. He doesn't care who's looking.
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After some brainstorming the board decide on some rebranding.
NuPoundLand
That's all I got.
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After some brainstorming the board decide on some rebranding.
NuPoundLand
Newport Rap-Metal ledgends Skindred are asked to come play the opening ceremony in Cardiff shopping centre,
They decline, saying its a bit too far to go on a Wednesday night, and besides its Psychobilly Wednsedays in Meze Lounge, (https://www.facebook.com/mezeloungenewport/)
and they dont want to miss out on that 'Hairy Biker Minge'.
An intern later notices that Meze isnt even open on a wednesday
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A Womens Shelter gets a Flash Detergent corporate kiosk.
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Ian slams Malcolm's head into a brick wall after he calls Wotsits "crisps".
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(https://i.imgur.com/QZ6YDzs.png)
staring down the barrel of this on a wednesday
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Reverberating through the Bridged industrial estate, Gregg's employee of the month pretends to not hear;
IF I WANTED A FUCKIN CWTCH ID BE AT HOME WITH THE MUSSUS! PISS OFF OUT MY CAR YOU SLAG, AND TAKE YOUR CATSU CHICKEN BAKE WITH YOU!
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Keith of the Isle of Skye stuffs a pop tart into a tea cosy.
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After a night of self-loathing and drinking a bottle of vodka by himself, Duncan, in a fit of reckless drunken bravado, updates his Linkedin profile with a personal statement that reads "Can take two fists up my anus at the same time."
The following day, hungover and mortified, he logs on to find he's got 17 job offers, 14 of them from the same person, a manager of a remoulded tyre outlet in Bacup.
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Roger of Clydebank eats a box of Cheerios beneath a wet underpass.
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Japanese train departs 25 seconds early
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Carl takes his mum's 1995 1.2l Renault Clio around the Nurburgring with her urn in the passenger seat.
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James Fruitful of Plumstead (where else!) goes fly fishing on his own in the Outer Hebrides. He makes up a little song called 'I Am Sad' to help while away the hours, but it doesn't work.
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Mick Kirby stubbs his big toe on the stairs as he makes his way bleary eyed to the kitchen.
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A young man in a rugby club blazer flobs into the yawning mouth of an exhausted single mum.
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48 year-old James Applenuts of Caerphilly attempts to jump a river in a fit of childlike joy, but lands in the middle and is consumed by a cuttlefish.
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A fluoride conspiracist breaks his wife's toe with a malfunctioning Podcastudio
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At 3am, Anthony Worral Thompson wakes up from an opium haze in a state of hunger and chokes down a rotten piece of sea bream.
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After continuing to be a member of the Stasi for the last 27 years, Gerhard is politely informed "we don't do that anymore".
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A computer nerd is momentarily confused when rascals spraypaint '404' across his front door.
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Gordon Ramsay tears a newly qualified pastry chef a new arsehole because she burnt his Findus Crispy Pancakes.
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Christmas 1994 and a desperate Karl Shropes carries a bag on mint condition 1970s Look and Learn magazines to his local Forbidden Planet. "How much for these" he asks a shop assistant, whos is dressed as an elf and wearing an oversized green top hat lazily decorated in tinsel. He stares at Karl with stale cardboard coloured eyes, immune to the spirit of the season. "How much?" asks Karl for the second and last time.
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Mid life marvin's linkin park t shirt is so tight these days it looks like smudged body paint
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John interviews a potato for the position of Cupboard Captain.
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A ghost is called a “fucking clever-cunt” for going into Specsavers and asking if the manager could see him as soon as possible.
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Alison sighs as she enters the fourth hour of an office debate over whether Jaffa Cakes are cakes or biscuits.
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Another nonce gets off scott free.
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Money put aside by the government for social aid instead gets used to fund a 4K restoration and remaster of the entire series of popular children's show In the Night Garden.
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A donkey with a human soul eeyores his way through Land of Hope and Glory
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Rod Stewart drives to the incorrect midweek lottery studio.
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A 5 year old consumes a D-Day veteran in order to gain their knowledge of the horrors of war.
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The new edition of Hello! magazine focuses solely on the wedding of Harry and Meghan.
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Abu Hamza sits in his luxury holiday camp 'cell' - paid for by you - and enjoys a bowl of Weetos whilst watching a complete Wombles collection DVD.
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An emergency call is misdirected by a 111 phone operator due to them being mesmerised by tubgirl and blue waffle.
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Gary Neville’s Twitter feed.
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Bill Oddie grows increasingly concerned as his six week letterbox vigil fails to turn up a royal wedding invitation.
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Werner Herzog chucks some litter on flower patch.
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Werner Herzog chucks some litter on flower patch.
He makes a point of not filming it, so any onlookers are in no doubt about what is occurring.
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A terminally ill cat lady is reassured by the nourishment that her body will provide.
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A pissed Alan Shearer barges into a newsagent and pukes all over the lotto stand.
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A terminally ill cat lady is reassured by the nourishment that her body will provide.
tight
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Today I bought a boxset of Sister Act 1 and Sister Act 2: Back In The Habit
The cherry on top was my girlfriend simply asking "....why?"
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Ronald of the Outer Hebrides punts twenty Kit-Kats over the back of a walrus.
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It was the most noisome quarter of London, where every thing wore the worst impress of the most deplorable poverty, and of the most desperate crime. By the dim light of an accidental lamp, tall, antique, worm-eaten, wooden tenements were seen tottering to their fall, in directions so many and capricious, that scarce the semblance of a passage was discernible between them. The paving-stones lay at random, displaced from their beds by the rankly-growing grass. Horrible filth festered in the dammed-up gutters. The whole atmosphere teemed with desolation.
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An admiral iceberg calls the rest of his fleet together for a final melting.
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Enoch Powell’s ghost accidentally gets run up a flagpole outside St George’s chapel instead of the Union Jack and flies there throughout the royal wedding screaming racist epithets. Phil loves it.
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A catechist finds all corned beef in his rectory.
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David Cameron introduces the end of his penis to a naked flame.
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A man returns his 27 year old son to the hospital he was born in claiming he doesn’t want “a shit one”.
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Having mind blowing sex with Paul Ross.
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An 18 year old gawps at some lezzas walking their dog by a war memorial and runs home to wank over it.
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An 81 year old gawps at some lezzas walking their dog by a war memorial and runs home to wank over it.
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A frigid and diffident Biology teacher is ignored by everybody at a school parent's evening in Stranraer.
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An 81 year old gawps at an 18 year old wanking over a war memorial.
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An 81 year old gawps at some lezzas walking their dog by a war memorial and runs home to wank over it.
The lezzas got him just about there but it was thinking about the dog that got him to the all important vinegar stroke.
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Allen's leaving do venue is a London phone box.
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A macaque experiences ennui. The head keeper at Dudley Zoo watches, and does nothing.
Edit:
(https://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/6/6d/Macaque_du_Tibet_-_Femelle_adulte_et_juvénile.jpg)
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Nigel Farage discovers a bunch of illegals in the hallway - and it turns out they've been living there for a month! It's not even that surprizing at this stage, really.
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A small number of gift bags given to guests at the Duke and Duchess of Sussex's wedding are being sold online.
Nine auctions can currently be found on the website eBay - with some listings reaching more than £1,000.
The bags were given to 2,640 members of the public invited into the grounds of Windsor Castle for the wedding on 19 May, but not the 600 chapel guests.
Contents of the bags include the order of service booklet and a tube of "handbag shortbread".
One listing reads: "Don't miss out on this limited once in a life time opportunity to have a piece of royal history."
Other items given to the guests include a bottle of water, a chocolate coin, a fridge magnet, a badge and a 20% off voucher for the Windsor Castle gift shop
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A macaque experiences ennui. The head keeper at Dudley Zoo watches, and does nothing.
Edit:
(https://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/6/6d/Macaque_du_Tibet_-_Femelle_adulte_et_juvénile.jpg)
We can sail, we can sail...Sail away, Sail away, Sail away...
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Rolf Harris Amazon Primes a zorb to Harry Enfield.
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Lorraine's new genital dentures fall out mid-cèilidh.
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Rachael drops an entire bag of Mini Cheddars on the floor after being overcome at a Carpenters tribute gig.
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A homeless mathematical genius on the streets on Calcutta finds his pencil has become too short to turn in the sharpener.
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A famished Dave drops his dinner out the oven and his faithful companion Benji eats the whole fucking thing off the floor in less than 6 seconds, stopping only to snap at his master's fingers as he desperately tries to retrieve his battered cod.
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A famished Dave drops his dinner out the oven and his faithful companion Benji eats the whole fucking thing off the floor in less than 6 seconds, stopping only to snap at his master's fingers as he desperately tries to retrieve his battered cod.
He still remembers the day, 28 years ago, when he picked up Benji from the orphanage.
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A macaque experiences ennui. The head keeper at Dudley Zoo watches, and does nothing.
Edit:
(https://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/6/6d/Macaque_du_Tibet_-_Femelle_adulte_et_juvénile.jpg)
Laughed!
Roger of Cleethorpes stuffs a couple of Tracker bars into a parking meter in a childish fit of pique.
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A macaque experiences ennui. The head keeper at Dudley Zoo watches, and does nothing.
Edit:
(https://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/6/6d/Macaque_du_Tibet_-_Femelle_adulte_et_juvénile.jpg)
A poster on a forum becomes excited that a place he lives 15 minutes away from is mentioned.
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A poster on a forum becomes excited that a place he lives 15 minutes away from is mentioned.
I grew up about 10 miles from Zudley Doo and have a genuine fondness for it, but it lends itself to desolation perfectly. So (in-keeping with the thread)...
A grown man slates a fond childhood haunt for the sake of making some strangers point and laugh at his home town. “At least they’re laughing”, he thinks, as he opens another tin of lager.
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I grew up about 10 miles from Zudley Doo and have a genuine fondness for it, but it lends itself to desolation perfectly. So (in-keeping with the thread)...
A grown man slates a fond childhood haunt for the sake of making some strangers point and laugh at his home town. “At least they’re laughing”, he thinks, as he opens another tin of lager.
I definitely have a love/hate relationship with Dudley. I want to go where it's trendy and middle-class, but always feel more comfortable here.
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Audrey dutifully makes her daughter a packed lunch to take to work every day. Cheese and cucumber sandwich, a banana and one of those yogurts with the bits in.
She died in a crash on the M3 fourteen years ago.
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(https://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/6/6d/Macaque_du_Tibet_-_Femelle_adulte_et_juvénile.jpg)
They look so much happier than I feel... thinks 87.95% of CAB posters.
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(https://ichef.bbci.co.uk/news/976/cpsprodpb/2CE8/production/_101669411_queenchelseaflower.jpg)
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Edward Woodward shits an entire unbroken Garibaldi biscuit.
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A picture of 2 morose monkeys is quoted repeatedly.
(https://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/6/6d/Macaque_du_Tibet_-_Femelle_adulte_et_juvénile.jpg)
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Audrey dutifully makes her daughter a packed lunch to take to work every day. Cheese and cucumber sandwich, a banana and one of those yogurts with the bits in.
She died in a crash on the M3 fourteen years ago.
It was ruled a suicide.
Audrey lights a fag and takes the lunchbox to the mannequin of her daughter propped up in a living room chair. "I made your fav'rite again, Lorraine. Take your lunch, Lorrraaaaiine. Why don't you take your lunch, Lorrraaaiiinne. Take your fucking luuuuunnchhh..." The doll's plastic limbs are all but melted from 14 years of cigarette burns.
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It was ruled a suicide.
Audrey lights a fag and takes the lunchbox to the mannequin of her daughter propped up in a living room chair. "I made your fav'rite again, Lorraine. Take your lunch, Lorrraaaaiine. Why don't you take your lunch, Lorrraaaiiinne. Take your fucking luuuuunnchhh..." The doll's plastic limbs are all but melted from 14 years of cigarette burns.
Robert from next door listens to this daily ritual, ear pressed to the wall. It never fails to get him rock hard.
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Kenneth of High Wycombe memorizes every road sign as he walks the three miles to the newsagents. There are plenty of other newsagents, but this one is "special to me". Then he stands and memorizes all the names of the chocolate bars on the newsagents confectionery display. Then he tells the newsagent the names of all the road signs. The queue behind him is going mental. He just does it to piss people off.
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Five chocolates left in the Celebrations tub. All Bountys.
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A woman who has obviously been crying asks you to spit in her face so she can wipe away her streaked mascara.
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Roger Fuckballs from up Leamington Spa way tosses a shrew across the River Dee before stripping naked and defecating in the parking lot of a Burger King near Penzance.
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Five chocolates left in the Celebrations tub. All Bountys.
Fucking hell!
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A cherished classic car is given a rather large discourtesy when a service technician "borrows" it to go dogging in Portsmouth.
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Forcing your Nan to speedrun Mario 64 on her death bed.
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Here it comes, it's a...it's a little...it's a precious little...tumour!
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Five chocolates left in the Celebrations tub. All Bountys.
EUPHORIA
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A picture of 2 morose monkeys is quoted repeatedly.
(https://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/6/6d/Macaque_du_Tibet_-_Femelle_adulte_et_juvénile.jpg)
The original poster doesn’t have the heart to mention it is literally the first picture off the Wikipedia page for “macaque”. Best they never know. Bury it deep.
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A woman who has obviously been crying asks you to spit in her face so she can wipe away her streaked mascara.
You honour her request and subsequently and end up lcking her arsehole.
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In a fit of temper, Elton John pulls a newly installed shower screen door off its hinges after he catches the vague reflection of his bloated misshapen body on it.
Elton John wears his special Betty Boo wig while browsing The YNC.
Pissed in Midori, Elton John buys a £8,499 pair of Gucci flip flops. They're slightly too small and his big toe hangs over the edge. Binned.
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(https://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/6/6d/Macaque_du_Tibet_-_Femelle_adulte_et_juvénile.jpg)
The Krankies after 6 months under Dennis Nilsen's floorboards.
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Five chocolates left in the Celebrations tub. All Bountys.
That's extra-strength deso taken to new levels, mate.
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EUPHORIA
Seconded. The Bounties are the best ones you mad bastards.
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The tin of Quality Street is down to the final couple of dozen toffee pennies and toffee fingers. Some fucker on minimum wage picked out all the purple and green ones at the factory. You gave away all your bounties.
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Five chocolates left in the Celebrations tub. All Bountys...
... with the chocolate sucked off em.
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An arse makes it way into Aldi.
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In the distant future scientists discover the partial remains of Olly Murs preserved in amber.
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Oil of Ulay discover a way to prevent the 8th sign of ageing: getting more right-wing.
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Ruud Gullit wallpapers his dining room with Panini stickers of the 1990 World Cup England team. Every single Bryan Robson has had its eyes scribbled over with permanent marker.
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Liam Gallagher finally meets his daughter
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The neighbourhood cretin lets himself down.
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"I don't believe it! The old man's done it one last time! Now, that's magic!"
Debbie can't bring herself to tell Martin she knocked his dad's urn off the mantelpiece whilst practicing the Pasodoble.
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A lifelong Catholic declares "i was only in it for the kids cocks", then expires before justice can be done.
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Barney of Suffolk collects doorknobs.
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A lifelong Catholic declares "i was only in it for the kids cocks", then expires before justice can be done.
Laughed
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Dolly Mixture spat onto a turd.
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Bingo wing flavour stock cubes.
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bread flavour chewing gun
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Rip Van Winkle wakes up with forty years worth of wet dream matted into his beard and pubes.
You are born with your cock and balls on upside down.
A beastialist masturbates over an energy saving lightbulb, imaging it to be a pigs cock.
Rise of the Footsoldiers 3
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A rapist dressed as a boiler smashes into a brothel.
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A boiler dressed as a rapist is given 10 years and told to "step down, please".
Later released on appeal, but not before developing severe health issues.
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(https://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/6/6d/Macaque_du_Tibet_-_Femelle_adulte_et_juvénile.jpg)
I don't believe this image has made enough appearances on this page yet.
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A lepidopterist's transect notes are presented to the court as Exhibit A.
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(https://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/6/6d/Macaque_du_Tibet_-_Femelle_adulte_et_juvénile.jpg)
I don't believe this image has made enough appearances on this page yet.
Chris Tarrant’s hair transfer “ends in disaster”. Too much is transferred. Nothing can be done.
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Muffled sounds drift through the floor into Elizabeth's studio flat.
"How exciting all their lives must be!", she thinks.
The Bella Pasta beneath is doing a roaring trade.
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in between the puggy arrangement at the fair, sits a Mortal Kombat machine. Five of the buttons are melted away from being used as ashtrays, and it crashes on Kano
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Richmond sausages are Paul's absolute favourite.
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Richmond sausages are Paul Ross's absolute favourite.
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Johnny Walker accidentally tees up some James Brown as ‘Funk Peterson & The Niggers.’
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A member of the alt-right tries unsuccessfully all afternoon to get a thrush off his lawn.
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A man masturbates in a comfortable position, he eats his own cum so he doesn't have to move.
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This lethargic expediency mutates until he becomes a self sustaining sweating, puking, masturbating faecal ouroboros.
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A housefly lands on a penis tip before inadvertently being entered into a waiting vag.
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Little Billy Sugden's been run over again.
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An illegal immigrant manages to survive jumping out the back of a lorry onto the hard shoulder of the M25. He's been cooped up in the back of that truck for hours without water. He knows that that bottle of Tizer by the barrier is not Tizer, but motorway Tizer. Downs it in one anyway.
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A man has a mental breakdown and runs into Mothercare dressed in an elephant costume. The trunk falls off as security wrestles him to the floor.
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As it is fed into an obese man's arsehole, an anal bead desperately tries to pretend it is an explorer entering a magical grotto of treasures.
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‘He were a good dad...until he got cocks involved.’
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Down the boozer Andy tells the remaining sozzled adherents how he is "fully prepared for the race war to come".
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Alex recalls the most meaningful conversation he's had all month.
- morning
- morning sir... the usual?
- yes
- ... which is?
- eh, grade two.. all over.. tapered at the back
- right.. good
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Ebeneezer Goode is played at Nan's funeral.
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A bigot on a drip glances up at the badly-adhered words on the hospice wall - Laugh every day, Live every moment, Love beyond words .
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An obese hedge fund manager boots a gecko into a paper shredder.
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an amateur lock forward mouths off at the referee, not caring about the ten metres and yellow card as he's being made redundant on Monday morning
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A man's suicide note that was never read is used by a hipster to enter a competition after being found in the dust jacket of a Mills and Boon book.
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Carol from accounts realises she has ran the last of her self respect well and truly out when the sign for her name on her desk is written in comic sans.
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A mormon with psoriasis leaves half of his back on a rent boy.
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Panic ordering six wicker tits.
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A horny egg mcmuffin salesman.
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“Arise, Sir Jeremy Kyle”
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Paul Ross sets up a Paul Ross fan forum for Paul Ross fans to discuss Paul Ross news and trivia.
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A man successfully twats the autism out of his son.
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A persistent woodpecker finally gains entry to Craig Charles.
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A man successfully twats the autism out of his son.
Oh no wait, it's still there but now his son is mentally and physically scarred.
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A giantess frigs herself with a dead baby christmas tree.
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Rik Waller pushes a vole into the path of an oncoming charabanc.
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In a coma since that infamous Led Zeppelin gig featuring Jimi Hendrix, Brian awakes 45 years later to Ed Sheeran rapping about Welsh Bovril.
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Diana, Princess of Wales returns to this realm by posessing a white Fiat Uno in an abandoned Airdrie scrap yard
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A 36 year old kekistani explains bitcoin to his mother as she quietly has a stroke.
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Arnold of Delaware stuffs twelve cabbages into a holdall and heads out into the swamp.
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A son gets his morbidly obese mother an upgraded battery for her mobility scooter for her birthday. His own scooter upgrade will have to wait another year.
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Pillows stuffed with dandruff, John Lewis, £25 each. SOLD OUT.
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Pel looks at a failed dishwasher cycle for 17 minutes. Puts it away.
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Andrew Sachs fires a load of Fawlty Towers merchandise out of a makeshift cannon. In lands somewhere across the other side of the Thames, where it is picked at by various hungry crows and a wandering hedgehog.
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(https://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/6/6d/Macaque_du_Tibet_-_Femelle_adulte_et_juvénile.jpg) remember us
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A picture of two monkeys is the highlight of an aging Englishmen's day.
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A picture of two monkeys is the highlight of an aging Englishmen's day.
Dude. It's not even 8AM yet.
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Dude. It's not even 8AM yet.
I know :(
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I know :(
would more monkey pictures help at all?
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would more monkey pictures help at all?
*nods*
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I asked the monkeys, but...
(https://anotherheader.files.wordpress.com/2010/03/altered-monkey-2.jpg)
... they're not having it.
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A man has plastic surgery to optimize his face for iphone screens.
A Lot of detail removed
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Mark Lawrenson goes home and stares at his European cup winners medal... but more often now its not enough.
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A pensioner is found absolutely covered in shit.
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A pensioner is found absolutely covered in shit.
The disoverer sort of prods at it with the tip of his shoe, then leaves it to rot. Rhyl.
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As he bathes his deadbrained mother, an unloved virgin 57-year-old piano teacher fingers a toccata up her disjointed spine.
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I asked the monkeys, but...
(https://anotherheader.files.wordpress.com/2010/03/altered-monkey-2.jpg)
... they're not having it.
:(
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(https://anotherheader.files.wordpress.com/2010/03/altered-monkey-2.jpg)
(https://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/6/6d/Macaque_du_Tibet_-_Femelle_adulte_et_juvénile.jpg)
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David Bellamy and Cannon from Cannon and Ball look mournfully at a keening aged Englishman
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David Bellamy and Cannon from Cannon and Ball look mournfully at a keening aged Englishman
Or failing that, Willie Rushton and Stu Francis look mournfully on.
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A cordial emissary describes a weekend of rain in Birmingham as a "Personal Valhalla"
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Paul Ross in an NHS bed looking haggard.
'They tell me you need a kidney from me,' says brother Jonathan.
'It's what they tell me, too,' says Paul, forcing a hopeful smile.
Jonathan shakes his head.
'Pull the plug,' he says to the nurse.
And turning on his heel, he's out of there.
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Tord Dung mistakenly sees a series of ominous runes on a wastrel's garb.
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Norman the porpoise takes a look at the magazine rack in his local newsagents. "Hmmm, yeah, I have that issue of Empire... next one's not out yet... hmm, yeah... okay, just a packet of Polos, then. Fuck my life."
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Paul Ross in an NHS bed looking haggard.
'They tell me you need a kidney from me,' says brother Jonathan.
'It's what they tell me, too,' says Paul, forcing a hopeful smile.
Jonathan shakes his head.
'Pull the plug,' he says to the nurse.
And turning on his heel, he's out of there.
+1
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A plastic chair that smells of Kilroy.
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A lethargic sponge queefs an oily cum bauble.
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Roy notes that his methane emissions have gone up 17% since February.
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Roy looks at the whiteboard on the wall. Two columns: MY KIDS. MY DRINKING. "Time to hash this out, mate" he mumbles to himself. "Pros and cons."
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A black mass absorbs a rainbow, near Stowmarket.
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Following a revealing focus group session with a bunch of 11 year olds, Dreamworks announce a Watership Down-inspired remake of The Texas Chainsaw Massacre.
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A frog decides to change it's destiny by throwing itself sideways into a microwave.
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Boston gets its flagship cum refinery up and running.
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A Union Jack waving addict ovetdoses at a royal wedding... drowning in a pool of his own red white and blue.
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A Union Jack waving addict ovetdoses at a royal wedding... drowning in a pool of his own red white and blue.
DEATHXIT MEANS DEATHXIT!
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Len declares that the few good men referred to in the title of the film A Few Good Men are a "bunch of absolute cunts".
-
A racist wins the lottery. Again.
-
Instead of flying cars and butler-robots, we got Ed Sheeran and road rage.
-
The lyrics to Nirvana's final ever song are changed to 'You know your rights,' and featured in a Citizen's Advice Bureau advert for the Teesside area.
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The lyrics to Nirvana's final ever song are changed to 'You know your rights,' and featured in a Citizen's Advice Bureau advert for the Teesside area.
Laughed
-
"this town was much more lively". Before the valium tolerance
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Reg builds a motorbike out of tea cosies. Just for posterity, I suppose I should inform you that it, inevitably, "didn't work".
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A grown man wastes an entire day off intermittently posting on an obscure comedy forum, playing FIFA 2015, and eating chips. His fictional Villa side are challenging for the Europa positions.
-
Going halves on a pack of wet wipes
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'EVERYTHING ABOUT THIS SHIT FEELS WRONG'
Barry says aloud, his innards piling up in the bowl like awful silly string
-
Hoping to escaping the heat of the fire that has suffocated her master, Milly the Dachshund climbs up her master's anus. Dies anyway, drowned in a bloody rectum.
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Candela brings a fucking Gü pudding pot to the Antiques Roadshow recording in Stokenchurch. First batch melting middle it was.
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'EVERYTHING ABOUT THIS SHIT FEELS WRONG'
Barry says aloud, his innards piling up in the bowl like awful silly string
Should have left it at the first line
Brutal, complete
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WE GO AGAIN, roars Klopp, slowly tossing a beach ball at that goalkeeper.
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Britain's Bravest Hero, the Bravest Ever Hero Teacher Army Man, white skin, so white, whitest skin, pale as snow, Army Man Hero, Teacher of adoring pupils, disciple, hero and avatar, Britain's Bravest Hero, braver than all the other heroes, made out of 100% hero, dies.
Gold coffin funeral, procession, lavish gravestone, epic wake.
Paedophile. He's a fucking total paedophile. He is a fucking total paedophile on kids, your kids, Welsh kids, dead kids. Paedophile.
The end
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Should have left it at the first line
Brutal, complete
tru that
always overly verbose me
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WE GO AGAIN, roars Klopp, slowly tossing a beach ball at that goalkeeper.
wonderful. Especially given Liverpool's history with beach balls
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Keith goes to Wimbledon every year. He never has a ticket, he just listens outside.
-
Unemployed 53 year old Keith lurks in the bushes in that garden where 27 something year old Lucy with the red hair lives. She's wearing a blue dress today. He is violating the terms of his restraining order, but this time it doesn't matter. He's going to try and get a kiss from her, just like he wanted to do when he first followed her off the bus to that address, 12 years ago.
Lucy's 3 year old daughter finds Keith in the garden 5 hours later, his body completely pale and grotesque, stinking of cigarettes and alchohol, half naked. He suffered a massive cardiac arrest whilst masturbating. Drops of cum ooze down his leg. No one claims his body, and he is thrown in an unmarked grave.
-
Putting a little cowboy hat on a sleeping psychopath
-
Calling the police because your mate left your gaff with your lighter.
-
Tainted KFC gravy.
-
Tainted KFC gravy.
On toast.
-
A rape alarm alerts more rapists to the area.
-
A discarded cagoule smothers a thick muntjac to its whimsical expiration.
-
Pedalo trips around the waste treatment plant.
-
They hayfever medication is the closest thing he ever gets a real "high", chemically induced or endogenous. Mild drowsiness as peak life experience. Probably for the best.
A bowl rattles in a pile on a shelf in the kitchen, she films it, coz she thinks it must be a ghost. No draught apparent. It is actually a ghost, just causing mild annoyance coz it's pretty boring being dead.
Duncan crushes his own testicles with a nutcracker as a means of escapism from his own internal bonce chatter.
-
A gamelan collector of the house "The Sunny Buntings" leaves the bin man 10p as a Christmas tip.
-
Barry of Barry's Shelves in Barry loses all his shelves
-
A bloke in a club asks you back to his place. You consider yourself basically straight, but think, 'Fuck it', and decide to give it a go. When you get back to his flat he murders you and dumps you behind Poundland.
-
“Arise, Sir Donald Trump”.
-
A child’s first haircut is a “Toadfish from Neighbours”.
-
An impotent spermwhale beaches itself on purpose.
-
Rory McGrath’s eyes look back and forth between you and your chicken korma with pathetic hope.
-
A flaking walrus is bullied by a gang of ronseals.
-
A sweetcorn kernel makes an apt replacement molar for Belinda after the tumble drying debacle. Plaque keeps it still.
-
Rory McGrath pours a tin of Ronseal over his Cheerios.
-
Pedalo trips around the waste treatment plant.
Laughing, but it should be water resource & recovery facility in modern parlance
-
A flaking walrus is bullied by a gang of ronseals.
4 blinders, escalating in titters.
-
A devout spinster Catholic from Fareham is ushered hurriedly through the gates of heaven, “Welcome to Rhyl” reads the guano stained sign. A boggle eyed angel leers at her with unabashed glee
-
A dead pensioner's anderson shelter is opened, which explains why the local burglary spree ended in 1998
-
No-one believes Buzz Aldrin anymore that he's been to the moon.
Yeah course you have Grandad, course you have
-
Rory McGrath’s eyes look back and forth between you and your chicken korma with pathetic hope.
Haha!
-
Noel Edmonds opens a fortune cookie to reveal instructions to explode a pig. He complies with glee.
-
27 years since the pit closed, and it's still all the tedious old cunt talks about.
-
Hard-on in the foodbank queue.
-
A man has his face split open, 143 stitches in total, for taking the last wooden chip fork in a Greenock 3 in 1 kebab shop.
Monty Don stoves in his pet labradors head in with a hoe after it dug up his newly planted Portugeuse Beetroots. He drinks a full bottle of Harvey's Bristol Cream and has a quick tug in the potting shed to calm himself down.
A cancer diagnosis is warmly welcomed by a pensioner. Maybe they'll visit me now, she thinks.
-
Dennis sucks in a deep breathful of poor Andrew, now just a gas in some fucked up bong.
-
"Remember son, the more dog turds you collect, the more seconds you get on the PS2"
-
You sit waiting for the bus for 45 mins, while the endless traffic goes past, mindless people driving, driving, driving...
-
Empty packet of chocolate digestives, left in the cupboard.
-
(https://www.dogsonacid.com/attachments/deccmzoxkaaocfk-jpg.148100/)
-
Yes, Brendan can confirm that the cadaver in front of him is his much loved gran, but he has absolutely no idea who the assorted owners of the pubic hair caught in her dentures are.
-
Peter Nutkins sits on a low wall in the housing estate, eating a packet of stale Space Raiders. 46, he is. Today.
-
A new born baby with an 11 inch cock
-
Norris watches a red faced fat lump of a woman walk past his window with shopping from Lidil and starts putting his hand down his pants and says “a big old mummy bear that one isn’t it” to no one in particular.
-
Policemen really are looking younger & younger. GRAVE --> DESOLATION
-
A beautiful refreshing glass of WD40.
-
Professor Humpster fails to land a regular spot on The One Show, and goes back to Bristol to bore his students about chemical reactions.
-
An uneducated scrote kicks a vinyl player that’s got Burials Untrue playing on it “FUCKS THIS MATE I WANT EITHER TOM ZANETI OR NOWT😡”
-
A monk's first day out in the 'real' world ends with an incident involving a black pudding and an anus.
-
The tiniest, tiny tiny tiniest little herbivore has a stroke and dies.
-
God help Phil. Even the nonces have taken offence with him...
-
Barry Chuckle delivers a perfect falcon punch to a pensioner and pisses into her biddy roller.
-
After his epic TV interview Richard Madeley does the laughalong to De La Soul's Ego Trippin' Part II to let off steam.
-
Steven texts all his family and friends saying the wedding reception has been cancelled "due to lack of interest"
-
Sam knows its not really flat lemonade that his grandad gives him to drink.. but it helps if he thinks it is.
-
Russell Grant brings two dozen Krispy Kreme into an early morning showing of The Greatest Showman at his local Cineworld. "I had a voucher" he announces to an empty auditorium.
-
A man Googles himself only to be confronted with the question "did you mean 'Tim Vincent'?"
-
Trevor Brooking is a reunited with his long-lost simian sibling from Cameroon. Moments after officials leave the room he’s killed her stone dead and switched his attentions to the waste paper basket placement and the suitability of the vents.
A social studies lecturer farts her house keys off the back of a moped into a spiders’ nest.
During a parents’ open day a headmaster receives smatterings of approval throughout his opening speech about ‘kicking that darkie’s head the fuck in’.
-
"Stuart Miles narrates the goings on at the Partick Sue Ryder shop", the sentence starts but doesn't finish. The punchline won't make the Yoker High Flats more fun
-
The image in front of you fades and you realize this isn’t a toilet at the Wandsworth bus station, but is actually the casket at a stranger’s funeral.
-
"All it needs is a fucking week to heal, fucking Christ," he thinks, one hand against the shower wall and the other going at his backside like the clappers.
-
Roger the Leprechaun stuffs Twenty Rothmans into the mouth of a waiting vagrant.
-
Jimmy Savile and Michael Jackson did not die, they escaped by submarine to Argentina, aided by the Vatican, just after WW2 finished and are living under assumed names.
-
Asbestos in your piss
-
You approach Jim Broadbent for an autograph, but he scowls angrily at you and growls, "Fuck off, pleb!"
-
a friend's Young Ones viewing party turns out to be just you, and him in full neil costume, staring at a telly with a copy of Test Card F glued to it. While he hums Bluebird by Alan Hawkshaw.
-
Kevin James eats an origami banana
-
Daniel Chives "of the Chilterns' divides his selection of penny sweets up between himself and Roger, his pet lizard. "You can have two Fruit Salads, Rog, but I'm having the extra Black Jack." 39, he is. No, sorry, 49.
-
As it's his birthday, a man nips off to the cubicles for a celebration wank.
Just as he cums he hears a string of heavy shits hitting the water from the next door stall.
-
A stagnant cloud of racist thoughts begins to gather up against the ceiling during an anti-bias training seminar for Staples, The Office Suppliers. Eventually, it begins to rain.
-
Will Gompertz smashes a ceremonial cuntscraper during a ridiculously frenetic to-camera piece.
-
In 1989 the cure for AIDs, Cancer and The Hangover trilogy were all discovered but due to a slight miscommunication between historians, the year 1989 has not been recorded historically and therefore only two people know of this information. Both hate each other and refuse to confirm these rumours.
-
Jim Davidson cuts the ribbon at a brand new Vauxhall dealership in Hull.
-
Andrew hovers over the toilet bowl and lets go. He sprays his almost liquid shit over the underside of the seat and through the hole to create a semi-circle of filth on the lid that dribbles down to the top side of the seat.
"This is a lot more hygienic" he thinks.
-
A tearful Russell Grant is escorted from his local Toby Carvery after trying to fill a fish tank at the bottomless Coke machine.
-
He produces a small child from his rucksack. "I carry it around with me everywhere, to remind me I used to have a family, once."
Who's is it?
"I dunno."
-
A Gary Glitter tribute artiste is nailed up outside a social club in Batley by an irate mob of miltant paedophiles, and the committee.
-
the topsoil of the grave is moist with piss, as is the monthly tradition. Who's Paul Michael Cairney? Just the kid at school who died on the railway.
-
Bob writes a list of the things that make him cry, and a list of the things that make him cry with laughter... which he fills with the rest of the things that make him cry.
He then goes looking for more paper.
He stops when his pen runs out.
He improvises ink from a mixture of tears and Sunkist Soda.
-
A locked-in syndrome sufferer's assistance dog sneezes all over his arsehole.
-
After 30 years working at the steel works Joe ploughs his redundancy money into an already failing - and under investigation flower delivery service- and is called a "poof" by an unemployed 16 year old father of two on his first day " on the road"
-
A former Obstetrician skillfully pisses the scattershot shit stain off the rim of the toilet, using his rod like a fireman to douse at the clinging poo. Granted he had done well and the ceramic looked spotless (to the human eye) but was it right that by extension of his pissflow - he had come into physical contact with another mans wet excrement? Was it fuck.
-
Geoff from Accounts is stuffing his parakeet into the photocopier, come see.
-
Brexit, fifty years from now. The only way to claim third party fire and theft on your car insurance is to do it blacked up.
-
Jonathan Cloves of West Riding manages to convince a hedgehog to parachute into a scrapyard.
-
A drunk man desperately tries to think of something funny to write on a Comedy forum. He instead, decides to directly refer to what he is doing. No one is impressed.
-
An anus floats across a duckpond.
-
A little plane gets all dressed up for its inaugural flight - wheel pants, shiny wingtips, shaved cockpit - ready for its first date with the skies. Smashed into screaming pieces by Typhoon Gompertz, deadliest storm for decades.
-
A black labrador cracks in the heat.
-
A little plane gets all dressed up for its inaugural flight - wheel pants, shiny wingtips, shaved cockpit - ready for its first date with the skies. Smashed into screaming pieces by Typhoon Gompertz, deadliest storm for decades.
Heh!
The Shreddies Nans organize a violent revolt, which ends with them negotiating a pay rise from the roof of the factory.
-
Nerris has to explain the bite mark on his cock to his wife after his visa card didn't work down the knocking shop.
-
An upper middle class art student gives a pound to a homeless man in St. Andrews.
Only because she thought he was some kind of street performer.
-
A newborn infant is named “Clive”.
-
A newborn infant is branded 'Tesco'.
-
a good man is sent to hell to torment the unborn babies who killed their mothers, by telling them how good being alive was
-
A colleague says the same joke again.
-
A postman traps his hand in an abandoned life.
-
A dogshit-tier man plays the tuba appallingly.
-
A butchers apprentice is given a warning for making a fleshlight out of gammon.
-
A Caretaker pockets a Dictaphone, the first in a chain of events that ruins the chances of humanity ever preventing radicalism.
-
Jeremy Clarkson steals a working class child's wristwatch. No one spotted him, it's alright.
-
A 7lb bream is savagely mocked by Angling Times's sub editor, despite never having met the beast.
-
A soy boy is snapped in half by a mild crosswind.
-
A horrendous 5 day long hard-on ends at the grip of a stolen stanley
-
Jess from Portsmouth skims a Greggs pastie across Lake Windermere.
-
the war starts, not with a missile or a blockade, but own brand beans at just 7p.
-
Phillip Cack chucks a Ryvita skywards. It never comes back.
-
A gym bore delusional about the size of their guns is blanked by Purple Aki.
-
Chris de Burgh throws a party at a Guernsey Travelodge. He stands at the bar with a bottle of Steiger, the smell of manure drifting in on the night air through an open window. Mike Oldfield's 'Moonlight Shadow' drowns out the dull drone of conversation.
-
^Sorry, that was a bit too much like a Partridge rip. DESOLATION.
Peter Pips counts the pips in his apple. 1, 2, 3, 4... and so much more!
-
A school headmaster's misguided attempt to console a teenager after an embarrassing incident with their first period -
That's nothing, you should see the stuff that comes out of me arse!
-
the world's first would-be intergalactic sparrow is shot down by Libyan terrorists 16 feets from outer space.
-
The side eye you get from Ed Sheeran ever since he splaffed all over your face while you were passed out drunk. You knew he wasn't really the thoroughly nice chap everyone said he was.
-
After a hard day at the office, Teddy Harrow is really looking forward to this pint. Ugh, fucking rotten, get your pipes cleaned, mate.
-
I identify as Phil Collins
-
The back of 12 babies heads watching Brookside
-
Gathering round the extend family round the matriarchs grave to tell them you found the big head cheat for Tomb Raider
-
Sending an email to the president of Nigeria to tell him you've been gym
-
A tremendous grass cutting holiday in Norfolk
-
Seeing yourself and the tramp who raped you in 2012 on a buzzfeed list of top couples
-
Being barred from the owl sanctuary for calling the barn owl a paki
-
Your dad returns your video of the 98 Euro cup it stinks of shit and when you ask why he says “it’s because I had a shit on it lol”
-
A threesome with postman pat and missy Elliott
-
A jigsaw puzzle of a on old woman's piss bag
-
A plumber is tricked into sucking on a pubey lozenge.
-
Noel Edmonds survives a massacre
-
they still fill the jar with change. Joan doesn't know that they know it's not going to the Black Babies. Safer that way.
-
What a weekend at Coventry motofest.
-
A jigsaw puzzle of a on old woman's piss bag
My favourite of the series.
-
Sending an email to the president of Nigeria to tell him you've been gym
Great stuff, this one made me laugh.
-
Suicide bomber goes off several yards before his destination.
-
Roger the Snail chucks a full pizza in the bin because he let it go cold. That's just wasteful, that is.
-
Cabbers start talking shit about the macaques.
-
Jess from Portsmouth skims a Greggs pastie across Lake Windermere.
A terminal disappointment with an incorrigible pedantic streak points out that the suffix 'mere' refers to a lake that is broad in relation to its depth, and therefore "Lake Windermere" is redundant. It's just Windermere. Likewise Grasmere, Buttermere etc.
-
A second pedantic points to the fact that only Lake Bassenthwaite is officially a lake in the Lake District, the others are mere, tarns, and waters. A mere may be defined as a lake, but in local parlance it is a mere not a lake.
-
Patrick from County Tyrone sellotapes five hedgehogs to a dustbin lid and slides it down the side of an embankment.
-
Putting your area manager up for adoption.
-
A Vaporwave Youtube playlist unironically used as mood music in a Clintons Cards.
-
Chris picks his nose and pulls out a bogey that looks like the Virgin Mary. He wants to take a photo of it but his phone is on 2% and he needs that to check if the email he sent about a threeway with some strangers is on tonight.
"Ahhh well" he thinks "Next time" and pops the snotter in his mouth.
-
Living with the guilt of stealing the battery from your mum's rape alarm for your Donkey Kong Game and Watch.
-
Russell Grant uses an angel cake to mop up spilt Fanta from his kitchen floor.
-
Purposely not brushing your teeth cos you like the smell
-
Swapping your son for an N-Gage
-
Waving a solid turd around Londis shouting “I MADE THIS”
-
Ending your holiday early because Paul Ross has run you a bath back home.
-
You pay a homeless man to fart on you, the combination of altruism and perversion... [continued in the Euphoria thread]
-
Killing yourself because they aren’t bringing back Brookside ever
-
Being late to work because you were licking out mum.
-
It’s with a heavy heart and deepest regret that I have to announce that the Leeds based recording artist, Tom Zanetti, is still alive.
-
A death threat in Papyrus font
-
A passive aggressive death threat in Papyrus font
-
A medieval gromit creates a wanking device out of a turnip.
-
"Lead to gold"
"Animal to Angel"
"The alchemic transmutation of our center"
"Soil to soul"
The shaman keeps chanting. In the Elk skin tent. Smoke and heat. Gwyndr inhales the smoke, fire flickers, he drinks the brew.
Eyes close.
Gwyndr feels a bit nauseous and then passes out.
Wakes up the next day, sick in his beard, not really seeing what the fuss was about. Plus he has the shits. Last time he listens to the fucking shaman.
-
Don't know what's going on in that last one. Sorry lads.
Self inflicted e-desolation.
-
Just read the last 8 pages aloud to my partner, huge laughs
-
Martin Dudley-Runcorns of West Ham pushes a grapefruit up his nostril.
-
Michael Fish’s dementia means he’s finally free from the memory of the Great Storm of 1987, just as another great storm strikes sending him hurtling into a literal maelstrom of gales, hailstones and soiled corduroy.
-
doesn't matter how bad it seems to be getting, there's always another can of Skol
-
Edwin's shaves off his moustache. His infant daughter screams in terror at the first sight of his naked upper lip, sending a weird shiver of delight through his mostly exhausted flesh. He heads back to the bathroom to have a go at his eyebrows.
-
Just read the last 8 pages aloud to my partner, huge laughs
Strangest foreplay ever?
-
Strangest foreplay ever?
She did die last week but this helps keep the good times rolling
-
A bee gets temporarily encased in a bubble, the sun through rainbow slick patterns dazzling it's compound eyes in psychedelic fractal light. The bubble pops and the bee dizzily spirals into a dog tod. Unsure what's just happened.
-
Vomits in the wank sock.
Wanks in the vomit sock.
Good to switch things up once in a while.
-
A 'ska' version of the coronation Street theme is uploaded to youtube.
144p
-
two man stag do in little chef
-
two man stag do in little chef
This actually made me depressed.
-
two man stag do in little chef
On the table next to Billie's ninth birthday party.
-
Love Island breaks ITV2 record.
-
Philip Glenister tries to sell his latest project on The One Show and all Matt Baker can talk about is Gene fucking Hunt.
-
A widower deletes pictures of his wife to make room for a poor imitation clash of clans game
-
Doctor Manhattan obliterates you as you begin to explain why you think a superpowered pederast is m
-
Dazzer is in favour of abortion, except where it's voluntary.
-
Five edits and still shit.
-
abattoir canteen banter
-
Change your name to Synopsis Jones by deed poll.
-
'Mummy? I think I broke your dildo.'
-
Russell Grant demands to see the manager after being told he can’t fill a suitcase from the Harvester salad bar.
-
'Mummy? Why do these sweeties taste so bitter?'
-
Russell Grant demands to see the manager after being told he can’t fill a suitcase from the Harvester salad bar.
Harvester forced to change salad policy after Russell Grant incident
(https://image.ibb.co/g4BR2o/Harvester.png)
-
Martin is fired after asbestos is found in the Sherbet Dips for the fourth time this year.
-
A whale is shushhed for its 'tuneless fucking harping' following the death of its kid.
-
A twitcher patents the womb cleansing technology inside his bath bomb for frightful fannies
-
A goon pushes a load of cream crackers in his arse crack to "absorb the summer sweats, aye."
-
Incoming divorcee Steve throws a teabag in the grey, miserable waves of the Irish Sea and asks onlookers if he can get them a brew
-
'Mummy? Daddy says he needs more crack.'
-
'Mummy? Why does bunny have all powder coming out of his face?'
-
'No Mummy. I don't want to go to Uncle Sexwick's happy fun dungeon, even if the rent is due.'
-
A bejoweled warehouse no-one signs for an Amazon Primed clay modelling kit as "The Half-Blood Prince".
-
A bejoweled warehouse no-one runs his fingers through the aggregate. Yes, this is the superior aggregate of the three.
-
A bejoweled warehouse no-one arranges for Paul Ross to manhandle his prolapse into a beaker.
-
A bejewelled whorehouse grandma tries to clean the cum out of the stuffed tiger in the foyer, with partial success.
-
A moth-wrangler loses his entire flock to the flames of a candlelit vigil for a dead burglar.
-
Lizo Mzimba tries ketamine.
-
A curmudgeon bothers some pigeons near a stump.
-
The treasurer of a phlegm preservation guild walks all the way to Oban for something to do.
-
Sam goes to the butchers to get a shoulder to cry on.
-
Aaron makes the most of his National Trust membership by visiting Thomas Hardy's cottage and shitting in the bedroom.
-
A dentist is done for upmouth cameraing.
'E DID IT' says three women.
-
'Keep Smiling'
Even though you're fuck ugly and your life's a bag of shite.
-
A sex farm off the A41 near Tring has a special offer on cabbage holes.
-
Gustav Mahler trying to knit a sock... on the 11.15 from Sittingbourne to Sheerness... while being pelted with pot noodle rinds... by a asthmatic truant...
-
A biscuit CEO robot dances backwards, into a tree, which snaps.
-
Stabbed in the face in ASDA.
-
A middle-aged man is naked all afternoon. Probably popping down to Morrisons later.
-
Mail addressed to FUCKING CUNT is always delivered to Simon's flat.
-
One second after the conclusion of the building trust phase, Kev requests that she pours a boiled kettle into her arsehole.
-
The Thai bride is visibly unhappy with the state of the kitchen and penis.
-
A parallel Gregory Torso who made different choices in life is forced to clean horse scrotums for eternity with no internet access.
-
None of your junk mail contains a cummable face.
-
You wish you were dead but there are neither genies nor God.
-
A Tony specialises in gravel.
-
Supermarket workers grind out another disappointing fuck, resulting in a puerile infant.
-
Recommended for you: AIDs, cancer and PPE.
-
Jesus finds out his dad was kidding.
-
Improvised gravy lubes an alleyway tryst.
-
An overweight Geoff is tempted by barely legal skullfucks.
-
This is what you do all day.
-
Jesus finds out his dad was kidding.
"I done you!"
-
Conquer most of Europe. No fucking karma.
-
Reincarnated as Adolf Hitler’s dog.
-
Maggots burrow into a sweltering Keith's innards.
-
Unfashionable jeans serve as a noose for a shamed Dave.
-
A subnormal salmon flips up a moist incline.
-
A man shats his entire load.
-
Frogspawn adheres to the remains of a raped itinerant.
-
A bishop's cum congeals on a poodle's curly backside.
-
The posting of a perverted death-threat is briefly thwarted by a low ink warning.
-
A far-right attack-dog jumps up at pram meat.
-
An abandoned hair-dressing Julie is late to a lay-by fuckmurder because of an attack of the shits.
-
No, discovers Lawrence, there will never be a "death ray" made of glans, not now, not ever.
-
Marjorie reconsiders her future exhibiting at the cheese festival as Russell Grant walks up to her samples and exclaims “Ooh, I can’t wait to try these!” for the seventeenth time this morning.
-
A despondent single mother farts on a baguette.
-
I go to Bootle for sex.
-
Danny Baker's Greatest No Score Draws(180min, VHS)
-
Steve Wright having to crack a smile and wheese his way through another afternoon show. "Love the show, Steve. Love the show!"
-
During a bout of tristimania, a UKIP voting assistant manager of Curry’s flogs stereos as ‘wog boxes’ with a T-shirt sporting the advice, ‘Don’t be a nigger - buy one.’
A frog has its briefcase stolen by an adder.
A beleaguered housewife wakes to the noises of her feckless husband smoking a bong and kicking her in the cunt.
Cuthbert soils himself in Aldi while complaining about a potato.
Richard Madeley squeezes the fallopians out of terrapins after a taxing day.
A baby’s skeleton farts on a worm.
An ungrateful astronaut tells mission control that ‘Mars is shit, like I told you, wankers’.
-
I go to Bootle for sex.
Ooofff. Jesus.
-
Dan is convinced the product makes his hair look thicker.
-
Paul Ross pays his barber an extra £50 to let him roll around naked in all the hair cuttings on the floor, and another fiver to say, “what a glamorous lady! Far too good for Jonathan!”
-
for sale: fanny pad, never worn
-
Don is excited to be interviewed about his batteries by Des bloody Lynam!
Don congratulates himself on his Des Lynam impression later, listening back.
-
Alan Titchmarsh heaves up an absinth heavy slime over his prize bell peppers upon entering the greenhouse and smelling the Waitrose smoked salmon and lemon mustard sandwiches he had gorged on the night before in a sorry state.
-
On the way to a charity gig, Paul Ross slashes Eamon Holme's Achilles tendons on the escalator using a snapped Lost Prophets CD.
-
Barry Scott ends it all by filling his bathtub with all those bottles of complementary Cillit Bang, removing his towel, and lowering himself in.
“Bang! And the dirt is gone...” he says, to no one, as he slips under.
-
Milkbot3000, addled with malware, hurls pints of cottage cheese down a suburban cul-de-sac at 3 A.M.
-
A wandering menstrual pony destroys a children's nativity play.
-
Babylon Zoo lyrics come true.
It's time to terminate
The great wide world
Morbid fascinations
Television takes control
Decimation different races fall
Electronic information
Tampers with your soul
-
Paul Coia weeps in a cold, cold alley.
-
Babylon Zoo lyrics come true.
It's time to terminate
The great wide world
Morbid fascinations
Television takes control
Decimation different races fall
Electronic information
Tampers with your soul
everyone ignores it in favour of the jeans bit. Stiltskin perk up
-
“Arise, Sir Paul Dacre.”
-
Dan is convinced the product makes his single hair look thicker.
-
A Javan bracelet said to invoke sea monsters is traded for some wrestling stickers
-
A crinkled old crone ham-wanks a blubbery Beale boy.
-
Oh yeah! That bit in The Wall... guy in the helicopter, I can't do the accent... "you.. yes you! Stand still lady" brilliant. Not as good as The Final Cut mind.
-
nan spots the unopened 'magic for beginners' kit sat on the shelf 6 months after she gave it to you as a birthday gift
-
A royal baby's first words.
'Brexit'
-
Martin relieves himself onto the Flying Scotsman from a bridge, deeply inhaling the vapour from his stream hitting the boiler.
"Ah, the age of the train."
-
bristol to bath on a unicycle
-
A man reads the comments under a BBC Brexit report.
-
Pyramiden tourist board redundancies
-
glass blowing vlog gets 3 views
-
A fresh outbreak of happy-slapping.
-
father upset at newborn daughter's really short torso
-
A voice coach for queefing
-
A loner wraps some ferret shit around his tongue.
-
A woman starts a business selling hand painted Delft blue kitchen tiles.
Of memes.
There's that little monkey wearing a coat, look.
-
Newly appointed minister for health Arriva Trains Wales.
Bodies piling up in the streets within two months
-
All dogs called Tyson in Britain have heart attacks at the same time as Brexit is made official. Every one of their bald headed owners collapse to the ground screaming "NOT LIKE THIS!"
-
A palsied cow child stumbles into a revolving door.
-
Bollocks clogged with wasps.
-
A radge cunt disrespects his shorty.
-
You send your pal a link to that 4-minute YouTube vid you found lung-burstingly funny.
Their reply arrives 17 seconds later: 'haha brilliant mate.'
-
You don't remember cutting your finger but there it is.. cut. There are spatters of blood all over the house like little crimson petals.
-
She knows she probably shouldn't worry, but when she wakes up from her afternoon nap these days Martha finds a dozen or so flies have landed on her left foot.
-
Edward Snowdon gets some pillows from his mum in the post.
-
An earnest Subway Sandwich Artist.
-
It's an hour and thirty-seven minutes into my 36th birthday and I'm reliving my desperately frustrated adolescence perving at old videos of Cerys Matthews on Youtube.
Top that, somebody. Before I top myself.
-
You don't remember cutting your finger but there it is.. cut. There are spatters of blood all over the house like little crimson petals.
+1
-
Bollocks clogged with wasps.
Perfection. Sheer perfection. Should be the tagline of HSArt.
Can we petition Neil?
-
A real life one from the other day.
A bloke with a badly shaven head - missed patches of stubble aplenty, wearing a grubby white singlet, faded and torn shorts, one foot in a boot cast, the other in a flip-flop makes a hobbling dash across umpteen lanes of morning rush hour traffic. Eventually, he reaches the other side, spots a half-full 2 litre bottle of Diet Coke sitting on a wall, grabs it, takes a huge swig, swallows and then replaces the bottle once again for the next person.
-
Perfection. Sheer perfection. Should be the tagline of HSArt.
Can we petition Neil?
A palsied cow child stumbles into a revolving door.
That one’s better, you tin-eared fuckwit.
-
Your new flatmate is Dom Joly
-
That one’s better, you tin-eared fuckwit.
Fuck you Twit 2. Everyone knows I am the best connoisseur of Gregory Torso's posts and no-one even knows who you are.
-
Endless pooing.
-
A Bulmers-contracted sommelier grinds his cellulite onto a mons-less slag.
-
A bookies where phlegm is used as collateral.
-
A Toyota Prius Uber vehicle as a crime scene.
-
A makeshift and ramshackle "Free Tommy Robinson" banner hung from a motorway bridge, riddled with spelling mistakes.
-
Derek Acorah critically assesses his life so far.
-
'Phillip? What have done with the caviar for the dinner party?'
A black stain is slowly spreading from the seat of his trousers.
-
Ruined.
-
Arseholed at Reading station.
-
Julian Assange decides to have a nice, quiet night in
-
A whore robot rummages through its sex parts for the spent prophylactic
-
A spectrum-inhabitor tries to propose via MIDI programming.
She has never met him and doesn't know what MIDI is.
-
Bird shit all over the clean duvet cover. Sex acts denied.
Snorting a fat rail of MSG with a rolled up giro.
Fanny pad juice.
-
"Are you looking at that thing on my eyelid?"
Brian Eno actually enjoys Coldplay
MDF dildo
-
Coldplay. **SHUDDERS**
-
(http://home.bt.com/images/caption-competition--monkey-business-at-the-drive-thru-136400981987503901-151009163647.jpg)
(https://i.ytimg.com/vi/B-aMFhOcql8/hqdefault.jpg)
(https://secure.i.telegraph.co.uk/multimedia/archive/02031/baboon-car_2031996i.jpg)
(https://i.gadgets360cdn.com/large/planet_earth_ii_monkey_jaipur_1481605815349.jpg)
(https://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/6/6d/Macaque_du_Tibet_-_Femelle_adulte_et_juvénile.jpg)
(https://regmedia.co.uk/2018/02/08/planetoftheapesbeach.jpg)
-
Pausing Sunday Brunch to re-wipe your arsehole.
-
A smelly ghost haunts a dead child's hat.
-
Kilroy's crying family photoshopped onto the DVD cover of "An Audience With Lionel Richie".
-
a pranker of office pranks posts quite a serious email from HR on Facebook for many likes
-
You lose a bet with Maurice and have to muck out Hayley, his sex doll.
-
Gemma recognises her own heaving gunt at the start of an ITV news 'Obesity Crisis' feature.
-
Ghost dad goes up the dyson.
-
A lifeguard screams at a drowning bee.
-
A frozen fishfinger snaps off in the twat of a japanese girl cosplaying as Captain Birdseye.
-
A wanking shed, painted Grimsby-brown and busy with lice, goes soggy in the summer heat.
-
"9 months sober and 9 months camming! Anal gape show 200 tokens"
-
Nevvin Son of Bevvin clambers into the well, slithers down the rope, then sort of sits/floats in the damp dank green of the water. He likes to imagine he's algae.
-
The only job interview I've managed to get is with Capita
-
Bert picks through the grubby ends for unburnt tobacco. he can get three quid for an ounce outside the job centre, on a good day
-
Bri gets home early to find his wife crying whilst mashing a hard poo down the shower plughole
-
With his mix of wild artistry and solid business sense, designer Craig Green is changing how men dress today
-
All's well that ends well. (https://www.cookdandbombd.co.uk/forums/index.php/topic,67483.0.html)
-
Joan grates her secret newborn across a drain cover until there's nothing left.
-
Bri gets home early to find his wife crying whilst mashing a hard poo down the shower plughole
+1 non-existent karma.
-
The golf clubs a widow refused to sell on eBay are used against her in a home invasion.
-
The finding of a garage suicide's porn stash is described as 'terrific' by investigating police.
-
As schoolgirls coo over a friend's newborn baby, a gurning Boris Johnson shuffles over and tears its arms and legs off.
-
A depressed ginger carves meat in a Toby's within sniffing distance of a major roundabout.
-
Joan grates her secret newborn across a drain cover until there's nothing left.
Niiiiice.
-
A homeless man dines daily from the bins behind the abortion clinic
-
Siting Brexit cutbacks, 50 more shopping centre furtive-perverts-with-obsolete-digital-cameras are let go.
-
All's well that ends well. (https://www.cookdandbombd.co.uk/forums/index.php/topic,67483.0.html)
great thread that. loved it. one of the best
-
All's well that ends well. (https://www.cookdandbombd.co.uk/forums/index.php/topic,67483.0.html)
In an attempt to showcase its unique blend of talent, whimsy and imagination a subforum's mainstream thread gets locked by the third page. Things are never quite the same again.
-
great thread that. loved it. one of the best
i will cut u
-
Tommy Robinson sieg heils at a blackbird on the prison yard.
-
A translucent blob forms on Trevor's upper lip, and won't wipe off. The next day it is twice the size. A week later his entire body is an amorphous gloop of semi-sentient jelly with a quivering vestigial brain stem. Two weeks later he is prime minister.
-
"Car!" yells Timmy. The boys sullenly line the road until it passes, then resume their kickabout with Kevin's severed head.
-
i will cut u
the saddest thing about that whole thread is that an absolutley perfect tagline emerged about ten min after the thread got locked:
a multi-storey toilet for perverts
-
the saddest thing about that whole thread is that an absolutley perfect tagline emerged about ten min after the thread got locked:
Oh god you’re right.
-
yea its the full bollock full of wasps that one
-
Barry bursts his bulb when he tries the 'egg into a bottle trick' with his bell.
-
A shitfaced witch tries to fly on her broomstick but ends up arse over tit in her own cauldron.
-
A shitfaced witch tries to fly on her broomstick but ends up arse over tit in her own cauldron.
love it
-
A proletariat lets off a dirty fart at an abandoned Esso, whilst wearing his dead mam's cagoule.
-
A dog watches Babestation on mute.
-
A dog watches Babestation on mute.
Lovely stuff.
-
Russell Grant is rushed to hospital after mistaking his loft insulation for candy floss and ingesting three kilos of dusty glass fibre.
-
i... thought... id ... hit the fucking ...jackpot.......
.
he rasps as the anesthetist puts him under
-
oh shit, sorry i thought it was Eddie Grant youde said,
ignore that
-
A retired station master with dementia has to have his daily slop-out done entirely via steam train analogies in a baby voice, though he did take time off from being in full time care to vote for Brexit.
-
a thrush discards a bent spoon in an abandoned londis
-
a magpie engorges on a condom full of margarine in Kettering
-
gary neville shuns a bleeding-out child en route to a sex-based sauna house
-
a level 8 dire straights mage is abandoned in an abandoned wembley stadium. the last of his kind, its 2021
-
a porridge obssessed marmot finds no sense of closure after a bungled tribunal
-
an Ian Botham impersonator looses a pivotal bag of laxatives down a storm drain
-
a minnow is scarred for life by a breif glimpse of the climax of a snuff porn film refracting over the surface of the ocean from the phone of a lonley trawlerman
-
a faux-twit is absolved of all of his crimes due to his falsely self-prescribed loss of mental faculties, which occurred during a non existent horse riding accident in 1987.
His sad parade of self indulgent bar bothering is induldged intil the local moron has enough and drops paving slabs onto him until he has received injuries incompatible with living
wow, this animal whimsy thing is pretty easy
-
a berk mistakenly builds a londis on an unwitting sparrowhawk with hopes and dreams
-
Pastor Jerry Falwell is exhumed, then thoroughly bummed by a lifelong admirer.
-
a blue tit is dashed off the console of a speeding vauxall nova trying to impress a nearby stoat
-
Banquo's ghost neglects to fill out his tax return by the advertised deadline.
-
a chaffinch is knocked for six by a stag-do lobon.
several centre parks visitors write strongly worded letters of coplaint
-
a 4.5/10 Ian succumbs to the wasps in his shed, surrenders his home to the queen
good luck you fuckers, he thinks. hope you get on with it better than me
-
an Unidentified Flying Graham barely raises an eyebrow of the local coastguard on his combined maiden voyage/desperate swansong
-
a medi cocooned twitter-gone-wrong cleans his bionic undercarriage with a drugged baby swan he keeps in his fridge
-
A brexit flavored sausage roll is shamefully snaffled in a greggs back alley by a left-wing sparrow
-
a bus full of lionels tumble out of a taxi like nightmareish clowns just outside of a rural scottish village
'remember lionels, youve payed good money for this, so lets take our time and enjoy this! leave NO WITNESSES while your at it!'
no witnesses survive
-
a goulish wasp comprimises the entirety of a dissapointing freak show in county armatgh
-
a desperate sow buys a webcam
-
a richard maidley enthusiast takes a bloody good look at himself in the mirror
-
a malnourished seal gores a hamster for a baying crowd of geordies in a Calais wine outlet
-
a sand-badger smells exactly like peter sudcliffe
-
a bernard in a jumper is jumped by a stbernart, and is promptly fucked
-
and animal does something to a discarded object in an area of low population density (finnish this later)
-
an impolite bullfrog swats one of those things that look like wasps, but arent, they sort of hover, you know
-
Endless pooing.
Eerily prophetic.
-
a hare-lipped tardigrade is heckled off of a daffodil in the front entrance of an Aldi
-
a finnish bergerac fan is tossed off a ferry
-
A big mouse glares menacingly at a small rat and thinks "I'm the daddy now"
-
children play hopscotch 5 feet away from a pint of piping hot cum on a windowsill
-
Pete Townshend tries to gauge how far he can push his luck by researching a book about murdering prostitutes.
-
Simon notes that the can of chickpeas he bought a while back, to replace an out of date can he already had, is now also out of date. He grasps for a deeper meaning, and finds none.
-
Bob has been staring at the Bristol chart, pinned to the back of the toilet door, for over an hour now. He can't remember the last time he managed to produce a type 1,2,3,4 or 5. He strains for a deeper meaning.
-
Boxer burns stomach on ma's hob whilst bobbing around in ma's open dressing gown to ma's Marion 5 CD
-
Eerily prophetic.
I read an article about Mitch Hedberg a few months ago, and a line stuck with me about him being very utilitarian with language, “no words wasted”. I’m trying to refine my own writing to make it as efficient as possible. That post is my best refinement so far - 2 words, infinite desolation.
-
you find out that all the stuff that poo goes on about here actually all exists on xhamster
-
A fug of morning breath from a thousand commuters’ mourning mouths wafts your paper-thin corpse through the subway tunnels
-
a finnish bergerac fan discards a bent spoon in Kettering
-
a minnow looses a pivotal bag of laxatives down a storm drain
-
a desperate left-wing sparrow buys a webcam
-
a malnourished seal smells exactly like geordies
-
a thrush is tossed off a ferry
-
a sand-badger gores a hamster for a baying crowd of peter sudcliffes in a Calais wine outlet
-
A brexit flavored sausage roll comprimises the entirety of a dissapointing freak show in county armatgh
-
a goulish wasp is shamefully snaffled in a greggs back alley by a sow
-
an Unidentified Flying Graham cleans his bionic undercarriage with a drugged coastguard he keeps in his fridge
-
a medi cocooned twitter-gone-wrong barely raises an eyebrow of the local baby swan on his combined maiden voyage/desperate coastguardsong
-
centre parks visitors succumb to the wasps in their shed, surrender their holiday to the queen
-
several 4.5/10 Ians write strongly worded letters of coplaint
-
a stoat is knocked for six by a stag-do lobon.
-
a sparrowhawk is dashed off the console of a speeding vauxall nova trying to impress a nearby chaffinch
-
a trawlerman mistakenly builds a londis on an unwitting blue tit with hopes and dreams
-
A man falls into an infinite feedback loop of recursive desolation.
-
Darren invites Beth around for a meal and a movie. Tonight might just be the night!
She arrives to find candles, mood music, Richmond sausages and Aunt Bessie's frozen mash.
-
Pete Townshend tries to gauge how far he can push his luck by researching a book about murdering prostitutes.
Laughed. Good work.
-
The DIY mechanics was all going so well. That is, until the driveshaft pops out of the gearbox and you're left in an Ikea car park with gearbox oil pissing out onto the tarmac and a now un-driveable motor. Curses!
-
A small African boy for sale in Costco.
-
A Billy bookcase stuffed with Katie Prices and Dan Browns.
-
a malnourished seal smells exactly like geordies
Laughed
-
The DIY mechanics was all going so well. That is, until the driveshaft pops out of the gearbox and you're left in an Ikea car park with gearbox oil pissing out onto the tarmac and a now un-driveable motor. Curses!
I did it on the street, but this is every bit of mechanicing I've done. It has usually needed someone to give me a lift to buy a tool or part as my car is now un-driveable.
-
to celebrate his new job in a warehouse, a man goes to lidl to buy himself some new shoes
-
Alexa... Order a 9 foot washing line. Prime Now delivery. And text mum I'm sorry.
-
All that she wants is another baby.
She's dead tomorrow.
-
Unexpected suicidal thoughts in bagging area.
-
'How was your weekend mate?'
'Shite.'
-
A baby delights in the caperings of a drowning spaniel.
-
A Tampax advert comes on. "Turn it up, son, I can't 'ear it."
-
Ron's dead wife comes to visit him in his dreams; unfortunately, it's the dream where Ron is buggering the teenage boy next door wearing a cheap bulldog mask.
-
“So much for the kindness of strangers!” chuckles Ron as he’s kicked to death after asking for directions.
-
A carpet bomb that was supposed to end evil once and for all, drifts harmlessly into some sea, where it kills a colony of seals.
-
Due to undiagnosed stomach cancer, a tyrant can't finish his lunchtime special Macaroni Cheese and Chips.
A dinner lady takes two acid and mentally implodes after catching sight of her reflection in a spoon.
A Lidl wedding dress.
-
After years of strife and disease, the world finally comes together under a new understanding. It pools its resources until - a decade later - it finally holds its collective breath at the fiery birth of a fresh global hope. Hundreds watch as the U.S.S. YOU MAY BE ENTITLED TO PPI COMPENSATION CALL 0800-555-555 is finally launched into space to exploit new worlds.
-
Ron gives birth to a smaller Ron out of his big Ron hairdo.
“I don’t want more Ron” he says, flushing the mewling imp down the toilet.
His ghost wife watches from the corner, unable to stop the endless cycle of little births and deaths.
-
A lollipop lady with a lazy eye directs a crocodile of children into a canal.
-
No shooting stars in the night sky - only shooting pains down your left arm.
-
Julie's cough medicine is diluted razor blades.
-
A lugworm collector from Haverigg discovers a kid's skull weekly amid the 13 square miles of Duddon estuary. Not what you'd call a living though.
-
Theo microwaves some soup while listening to Robbie Savage summarize last nights match. It's the highlight of his week.
-
Scientists discover that life on Mars gave up.
-
The heat death of the universe is postponed.
-
Ralph is charged 5p for a Morrison's colostomy bag.
-
Tony Hadley is chosen as the people's director of internal foghorning, and will dispense TRUUUEEs at seventeen timepoints throughout our daily progressions.
-
When your bird tells she loves you for the first time and you respond with “well I think you’re a fucking bitch” while rummaging through her fridge for a yogurt
-
In a hotel bar in the Canaries in 1993, an orange-tan Wigan businessman taps his foot along to Chris de Burgh's 'High on Emotion'. "That's quality, that is."
-
Decision between eating the remaining dog food, or eating the dog.
-
Ron gives birth to a smaller Ron out of his big Ron hairdo.
“I don’t want more Ron” he says, flushing the mewling imp down the toilet.
His ghost wife watches from the corner, unable to stop the endless cycle of little births and deaths.
I laughed
-
A frozen fishfinger snaps off in the twat of a japanese girl cosplaying as Captain Birdseye.
Amazing
-
You send your pal a link to that 4-minute YouTube vid you found lung-burstingly funny.
Their reply arrives 17 seconds later: 'haha brilliant mate.'
Laughed
-
A middle aged man sits in the middle of a Tate Modern exhibition, and checks the Desolation thread for updates.
-
sacked for laughing at the phrase "a fucking liability" in a work meeting.
-
escaped punishment for calling a soon to be hired line manager "a fucking liability" three months ago, but now owed a month's wages from a doomed organisation
-
So many people tweeting gifs of Pogba dabbing.
-
John Denver is reincarnated as an Action Man.
-
a flayed toad
-
A burst England dirigible suffocates Michaela Strachan
-
Ass-to-mouth Buckfast
-
Based on the stand-up comedy of Ray Romano
-
A four year old prick rams the back of your plane seat as its smug parents wax lyrical about property speculation.
"This, too, shall pass"
It doesn't.
-
Phil Neville attempts a dab.
-
The Dartford Coffin Boy develops a taste for human flesh.
-
A Robbie Williams look-alike spits a blood clot into the River Trent.
-
Irish wild man Jim McDonald, stupefied in a pool of warm stout and vomit, cradles a snapped coat-hanger.
"Liz...ya... whore... nuttin burra...cheap seaside whore" he gurgles.
-
Three Alans meet in a Weatherspoons to scope out a potential tryst, but find they have nothing in common.
-
Prince Phillip tries dabbing.
-
Cynddylan tumbles headfirst into the path of his own tractor.
-
A troubled paperboy cries into a compost heap.
-
Debbie is dismayed to realise her newborn son looks exactly like Kenneth Williams.
-
A spayed nougat enthusiast builds a mucus Amiens Cathedral.
-
A child liaison officer's invitation for drinks is rejected by a molestation doll after they clock off for the night.
-
a cornershop disagreement escalates to police attendance. she only wanted ten fags.
-
In his excitement Tony eats his entire stock of World Cup Pringles during the opening ceremony. As he slips into a coma he hallucinates his hero Harry Kane sitting on his sofa and complaining that there's no quality brands of lager in the house.
-
A kumquat goes rancid in a Tynedale grocer's window.
-
Abu Hamza has perfected stroking his lingam with his hook and actually prefers this now as opposed to the traditional hand shandy. He comes a cropper today though, for a magpie has pinched his hook.
-
Dream big with Lidl
-
A middle-aged man sets the desktop background on all three of his work monitors to a massive 'crying laughing' emoji as a cry for help. It never comes.
-
a hip young priest treads new ground with a meme based mass for a congregation of elderly deafs
-
A Jobcentre Plus employee sits through 'I, Daniel Blake' with a big fuck-off smirk on his face throughout.
-
Greggs announce that they are opening 500 new branches nationwide. However, the cost of this expansion will mean that the quality of their recipe "will disimprove by up to 90% in some places."
-
Box of Cadbury's Creme Eggs totter in the summer holiday breeze on the third rail of the track
A man in a bush waits with holes in his pockets
-
'Fuck mindfulness,' mutters Susan whilst changing the nappy of her 41yr old son.
-
A bitch eats a locksmiths cress sandwiches.
-
A 61 year-old Trekker goes to a SF convention dressed as Saru. His face is done up all clumsy with plasticine. For much of the event, he stands alone watching others have fun and chuckles to himself. The day ends with a chicken curry eaten alone on a pier and a long coach journey back to Southend. Alone.
-
An oversized St George flag falls into a puddle of dark piss.
-
Football's coming home, from the pub and is very likely to throw you down the fucking the stairs.
An English fan spunks his load over a topless Harry Kane pic, in a portaloo, on a building site, in Whitehaven.
t takes a full 4 minutes before an English commentator mentions 1966.
-
Roger the Dolphin settles down to watch pre-recorded highlights of the World Cup with his Tesco ready meal. But the fucking recorder box thing has fucked up, recording that Bake Off thing instead. "Fuck this, I was better off in the ocean," he grumbles, cracking open a Tesco beer.
-
The orgasmic exclamation "Puppeeeee Powwwwaaaaahhh!!!" echoes across the care home.
-
Haha.
A forklift truck driver from Rochdale harbours a dark secret.
-
A Kawasaki is used to antagonise a pregnant sheep near Dundee.
-
A nan on the verge uses Stretch Armstrong to garott a budgerigar.
-
A down-on-his-luck homeless man kicked out of the library after sleeping all day, guzzles a bottle of Malagousia Single Vineyard wine, 2015 vintage, simply to combat the cold - the biting, frightening cold, stealing over his body as the night draws long, the cold, my god, the cold - without properly appreciating this fruity vintage's refreshing kick and complex nose.
-
Norman Cook discovers his likeness has been used on a CD called "Big Beat Wehrmacht Battle Anthems".
-
A pile of moldy Wu-Wear waits on the kerb with a sign saying "free rap clothes".
-
A couple have what they call a "Whine-Stein" where the male has to donate a tenner into the mug every time he tries to molest his girlfriend while sleeping.
It's attempted rape, yes, but on the plus side she's half way to affording a Piaggio.
-
The reported death of a twelve year old's beloved guinea pig on Facebook receives 26 laugh emojis and counting.
-
James Corden wins custody of London's mime artists.
-
The muted drone in Zach's ear is confirmed as a childhood cry that the universe refuses to redeem//.
-
Russell Grant fills the bath tub with cherryade and sinks below the gaudy pink surface.
-
The muted drone in Zach's ear is confirmed as a childhood cry that the universe refuses to redeem//.
Really beautiful, baboon.
-
Yes, that is genuine poetry Baboon.
-
The last remaining staff member of the Pontefract tourist information centre just can't be arsed
-
A badly-sunburned moron spends 15 minutes mulling over a "face like Pete Sandoval's snare drum" quip, before realising the joke is very much on himself.
-
Bedsit Alan rustles up a doner kebab out of a pepperami and a cheese grater.
-
a man travels back in time to give his ten year old self a massive SLAP on the back of the head
[]
A terrifying causality stack creates a feedback loop of bitterness, causing an exponential increase in violence in attack on himself, splitting into increasingly awful new universes - a slap, a kick, smashes him to the ground with a shovel, kicks his teeth off and grinds the gummy stumps into an adapted lawnmower, until a near graph vertical is achieved: drops a fucking nuclear bomb on himself, an unimaginably enormous cluster of universes freeze; a million awful moments grind to an eternal, agonizing scream, a moment of madness rendered forever, a burst pustule in the tapestry of the multi-verse
[]
nice one, Darren.
-
Steven Fry wonders why homeless people dont just start a podcast for a living.
Maybe i should do a podcast about it! he thinks.
-
Stephen Fry minces to the front of a chip shop queue in Anstruther. Words are shared and ultimately ignored.
The ambulance take an hour to arrive. No one is in any hurry to reattach his retinas.
-
The court jester gets stuffed and cooked like a goose for calling the King a mardy twat.
-
Inspirational music on the radio. Darren butters his stale bread with rancid butter. Sprinkles cayenne pepper on top to mask the taste. A new day he thinks.. a new day.
-
Wayne checks his phone. It's Ken. "Not picking u up 2day called in sick soz". Suddenly, Friday seems a hostile, colourless slog.
-
(https://s8.postimg.cc/bp3ajno05/Island_Meme_Football_Desolation_1.gif)
-
(https://i.imgur.com/W7wx0ml.jpg)
-
Benevolent aliens visit earth. Unfortunately they are only 1mm high and get squashed under a Lithuanian wheelie bin.
-
Football does not come home.
-
A bulldog pulled along by a gentleman with Saint George's cross on his socks, his shorts, painted onto his chest and face.
Poor little doggy has his fur painted too.
-
The printing press is introduced into Europe by Johannes Gensfleisch zur Laden zum Gutenberg in 1439.
June 22nd 2018:
(https://i.imgur.com/9Qohd9S.jpg)
-
ten fags at half eight on a drizzly autumn night from a place with one of those orange signs that they tend to have despite the fact it looks grimy in all lighting and weather
-
An un-CRB checked lollipop man invites a baffled troupe of urchins to a 'Gary Barlow Party'
-
A cleaner gawps at a wheelie bin full of todgers
-
Stevenage bumper car fatality.
-
The actress Frances Sternhagen tosses a rancid banana out of a New York hotel window. It lands beside a tramp, who mashes it up and feeds it to Lil, his pet carp.
-
A trout gives up.
-
a Chinese vague lookalike for The Actor Kevon Eldon quietly supping a pint is the most entertaining thing in the pub for weeks
-
A man forgets he posted in the desolation thread, reads his own post a few hours later, and laughs.
He is alone, and his coffee is cold.
He corrects a typo.
-
Microwave broken. Put Rustlers burger between thighs and hope.
-
A rapscallion breaks into all the postboxes in his region, stealing the letters therein and creating all sorts of havoc for the local community!
-
50th Birthday Bentos
-
A middle-aged man wears a trilby.
-
Greggs starts offering home deliveries in the Birmingham area.
-
Donald Trump fridge magnets.
-
Spaghetti carbonara, but substituting cheese for dogshit.
-
Prince Charles tries dabbing. His instagram “blows up”.
-
a haircut worn in defiance of it's requirement for a hairline about 5cm lower
-
Roger Daltrey sellotapes some jelly babies to a greyhound and breakdances with joy.
-
An animal is posted online to be laughed at. One of the most beautiful in the world... Derided for its looks
-
Being reincarnated as a halftime orange, just in time for the Iran v Morocco game.
-
A cow is hired to read BBC News.
-
Pete spends his Monday failing to keep clingfilm from his darkness.
-
A badly-sunburned moron spends 15 minutes mulling over a "face like Pete Sandoval's snare drum" quip, before realising the joke is very much on himself.
You can tell that moron that I laughed.
-
Heron Foods, 4pm, Monday, November.
-
Dogs don't understand the concept of sado-masochism, but that doesn't stop Karl as he makes a table shape for his rottweiler to perch and fart on.
-
Ken's wife asks him to have breakfast outside in the garden because his headlice are being too rowdy.
-
A small white hamlet collapses into the soft fens under the weight of its own xenophobic constituency.
-
A dead barn owl in a pub urinal.
-
'John,' implores Miss Harris, the art teacher. 'Please can you stop scratching your bottom and get on with your painting?'
'But this is what I do at home.'
'Well that's as maybe but it's not polite.'
'But how else can I make a picture?'
Miss Harris looks at the painting. It is brown.
-
A barn dance falls on top of a dickhead.
A ‘wank in the bag for Jesus’ campaign falters from the off.
An anal hygienist is mistakenly piped into a vat.
Gerald fails to turn up at his daughter’s matriculation because he’s balls deep in a donkey’s arse.
A flourishing infants school’s headteacher is replaced by a truculent beekeeper.
-
Bogey the Down's droid - aborted after ultrasound
-
The Piper at the Gates of Dawn fucks his pipes away and sods off for a Greggs and a can of Tesco beer.
-
A passionate love affair is left unfinished due to an industrial strike.
-
Heron Foods, 4pm, Monday, November.
The 12" mix of Pop Muzik is bleak as fuck.
-
A knob'ead sticks its nose into your personal problems, wheedling like a piece of shit.
-
A fat goth sweats in a Bournemouth shopping centre on a roasting Saturday afternoon.
-
It uses a nit comb to scrape off the flakes, collects them in jars. All the walls have shelves.
For the jars.
-
Gareth tries to throw a patio chair in a fit of pique. It bobbles off the patio and flops onto the lawn.
-
Magrit hates smoking, but that won't stop her having one to chase the "leaving the house to walk to the car" fag down with.
-
Ron farts and a peanut shoots out of his arse like an air rifle, shattering the new plasma screen TV. As punishment, Janet denies him her vagina for the rest of the month.
-
"What have I done with my life?!" screams Richard Osman, flinging his laptop at Alexander Armstrong's face.
-
Mr Blobby's organs are harvested for a horrible child's Spongebob costume.
-
A spaniel overdoses in its kennel.
-
A child's Eisteddfod dog poo volcano is a roaring success for the tapeworm community.
-
James studies the multitude of insect bites on his inflamed hands and arms. At least there's something out there that doesn't find him totally repulsive.
-
A cat ghost bokes a spectral furball
-
A radio five listener comtemplates what Robbie Savage means by 'real human people.'
-
Tourists video a seagull killing and devouring a pigeon in one of central London's Royal Parks
-
Niall crouches by his letterflap, awaiting the sweet succour of the Eynesbury Sluicer to choke-fuck his gaping wordhole.
-
A female Swan has been found dead in the local park.
She is survived by four babies and her male partner. Swans mate for life.
A legend did it.
-
A middle-aged amateur guitarist has a bash at becoming a travelling bluesman, but ends up in an alley in Missouri with the "What the fuck am I doing?' blues.
-
The life and soul of a party - dead at the bottom of a well.
-
Neil Buchannan abseils down, slowly removes his clothes, arranges them to spell the word "CUNT" to the waiting punters above and is escorted and banned from his local Go Ape outdoor activity centre.
-
Grandad's panic responds to a Parkinson's diagnosis by pretending to be a washing machine.
-
Two grown men criticize instagram videos on youtube, in their own parody video.
“How does this have 4.2m views? Bantz!”
7 likes
-
Ron Mael shitting hot arsepiss into a bucket while Russell watches.
-
A friendly otter leaves the riverbank to work in a Middlesbrough call centre.
-
A homosexual advance is humiliatingly turned down and captured on video by a lagered oaf.
-
The Scottish West Region Junior Football Association Superleague League One kicks off in August. Fixtures tba. And will stay tba until about May.
-
The Penectomy Buskers, playing their own cancerous pan-pipes, win Barrow Has Talent 2018.
-
Sean Spicer flips a twinkie into a White House gardener's barrow.
-
Sarah's upper torso contusions resemble the face of Jesus. Not really, it's just the brain damage.
-
Cash is freedom
Cash is social
Cash is control
Cash Zone
-
Jonathan Hives spends the summer collecting snail shells and stuffing them in a Tesco bag in the mountains.
-
A man spends a Sunday hurling mice up into a ceiling fan and laughing as their souls come raining down on him like soot.
-
A shiny-faced man impales himself on a discarded prong
-
Ronald Crimplene slams a gross of hedgehogs into a badly-refurbished cabinet.
-
Poundland everything.
-
ID'd at 32 in Poundland, buying a 'Discreet Adult Massager'.
-
A fart like Ned's on a hot day was never going to be safe. Shit everywhere.
-
https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=30_50J94m84
-
The grass ripples in patterns across the field, blown this way and that by the breeze. Geoff doesn't notice, too busy stuffing a sheep's back legs into a well used welly.
-
A man spends a Sunday hurling mice up into a ceiling fan and laughing as their souls come raining down on him like soot.
Also this is amazing.
-
A sullied brassiere is used to scrape up a prostitute's final sick
-
Ed Sheeran's oeuvre fucks into the medium of chiptune.
-
An enthusiastic art student receives a D- for his picture of an octopus.
Based on a true story :-(
-
A senile old man is given a kicking outside the pub after a lad starts the argument
Cheeky cunt with his whataboutery
-
Pete marvels at the site. All those bottles arranged just so. It's like an orchestra he thinks, an orchestra of alcohol. There's the violin section, made up of fine Belgium Beers, with Real Ale cellos and violas... Red and White wines make up the wood wind section, the finest ports on oboes. And there... Spirits fill the brass section.. tequila trombones, the sound blending perfectly with the whiskey and rum trumpets and horns. The percussion is given over to the liqueurs... Sumbuca symbols, Jägermeister drums. And here is Pete, conducting this symphony of booze like a maestro sublime. He has never known true bliss until this moment.
The local news website will later report on an old dishevelled man waving his arms madly outside a moribund off license in Cannock, and on the off duty special constable who lead him away from several appalled shoppers who had gathered at the scene.
-
“LIVE LIFE N DNT CARE WT NO1 THINK”
-
A bunch of lads fuck a dog to death on the way to York races.
-
Neil marries a crow. A soiled doily serves as minister, best man and congregation. They honeymoon along the A1.
-
Mad bantz ends in fatality.
-
This year York races is just rounding Jews up and shooting them.
-
oops
-
A vole eats the last remaining Dairylea Dunker belonging to Rod Chives of Cleethorpes.
-
You look on helpless as Jimmy Page does a sex-magik-dozy on your simple niece
-
Alan the eczematous kiln droid arranges chopped mushrooms in the shame of a clock face, then returns every hour to change their position, wrongly, for 40 years.
-
A frog, a duck and a field mouse happen upon one another in a glen. They all look embarrassed and leave quietly.
-
You dumped your true love in the middle of Sherwood Forest because GG Allin told you to in a dream.
"Love is a trick of the brain to stop you from wanking" he said, smearing shit up the side of your face.
-
Uncle Ron rolls back his foreskin and is suddenly reminded that your birthday is coming up.
-
Now every year a vile little imp does a mocking dance of joy right on the spot where you looked that sweet girl in the eye and said "I like you - I just don't, you know, like you like you."
He makes you remember. Every year. Same place. He makes you watch the whole dance.
-
Hums to himself during Aunt Trish's funeral service
"Autoglass repair, autoglass replace..."
-
Laughed
-
A man from Leeds sees shame in every clock face.
-
Shopping list seen on a bus in Birkenhead
Subway has let itself go
(https://s15.postimg.cc/88jkcdljf/IMG_20180703_135354_2.jpg)
-
Gerald's internal monologue switches itself off.
-
..................look love, ive been looking at the accounts, and i dont think we can really afford that new flat, - but ive been looking at those new Sports Direct houses, - they might be ok? i know we wanted a garden, - and windows and that, but i just dont think we can afford to............
-
The Prestatyn paedofinder Facebook page sends out its Warg riders in efforts to step up the hunt for nonce blood.
-
Shopping list seen on a bus in Birkenhead
Subway has let itself go
(https://s15.postimg.cc/88jkcdljf/IMG_20180703_135354_2.jpg)
Dob not fed again.
BREAD drop list.
MAKERAL angry with BREAD.
-
A local twat gurns and says "Breakfast? SORTED" to himself as he takes a bite into his fresh-from-the-microwave Rustlers, and consequently receives third degree mouth burns
-
Fountains of shit.
-
A deputy mayor punts a kitten into a steamroller
-
A man who looks like corned beef takes his shirt off at a gala when the band play Whitesnake because “it’s my era you see”.
-
Papas got a brand new sack
-
A libertarian meetup is held in Nando’s
-
A cult summon Reg Varneys spirit on purpose
-
A spare pair of tits
-
Tucking trackies into a Guinness t shirt
-
Plans to make the world nicer are quietly shelved.
-
Choosing 12 cans of kronenbourg because “it tastes the best when warm”
-
Stella Artois rebrands as “breakfast-lager”.
-
A gutted and knackered football team thousands of miles from home warms up for Third-Place Playoff match.
-
Kenneth buys a gala pie but there's just a void where the egg should be.
-
A confrence of massive slags.
-
A worldwide ban on footjobs
-
Paul's daughter being auctioned off for cheap in Somalia because she's defective
-
WANT A CAR BATTERY SLAMMED ON YOUR FUCKING BALLS?
This week's sermon starts on an upbeat note.
-
The fit woman on webcam turns out to be a bored, burly oil rig worker on shore leave when you meet up with them at a Cleethorps McDonalds.
-
In Newton-le-Willows, cats eyes really are cats eyes, and are replaced every week by Brendan the cat killer.
563 cats dead but on the plus side zero traffic accidents.
-
Kenneth buys a gala pie but there's just a void where the egg should be.
Immediately fucks it to completion
-
An unctuous synaesthete drapes the last four prostitutes on his whirlygig.
"Oooh..he ponders. Smells like purple!"
-
Sven Goran Eriksen crymaxing as he jizzums on a piping hot baked potato.
-
(https://i.imgur.com/LFtNc4t.jpg)
-
Greggs is revealed to be an acronym for GERALD'S RENOWNED EXCRETION GARGLING STORE
-
Desmond Tutu recalls how he "drained his balls in some gaping sluts".
-
Chris catches up with his suspicious Muslims podcasts.
-
What? It's Thursday you say?
-
A garage golem planes his arm to his geometric satisfaction.
-
A micrometer is used to crush the head of a cricket.
-
Atomic Kitten runite at a 21 car pile up.
-
A scoutmaster’s wife finds him making anal beads from pig testes and Christmas lights.
-
An ambitious theatre director puts on a puppet production of Coriolanus, starring vegetative patients strapped into harnesses. The harnesses are controlled by a computer running Windows 95.
-
A production of The Tempest is halted by Miranda exploding across the stalls.
-
A frustrated squirrel kicks an empty Sprite can into a sump and fucks off back to it's tree-hovel.
-
Norris dies halfway through an induction day at Netto
-
"Netto?
Yes, it's Scandinavian for This bloke's dead mate"
-
In a distant future, a composer tries to fit “184 years of hurt” into the line structure of Three Lions.
-
Adding a cannibalistic element to the Bush Tucker Trial fails to revive the I'm A Celebrity 2023 viewing figures
-
A smack head asks a universal credit claimant if he has any change
-
A repressed homosexual Gauleiter has an entire Guess Who? set emptied onto his life.
-
Prince Harry breaking his new wife’s jaw because Purple Aki won’t accept his friend request
-
Prince Harry breaking his new wife’s jaw because Purple Aki won’t accept his friend request
Actual lol.
-
A despondent cancer patient lowers his distended anus into his mother's minestrone.
-
A bored death engineer recreates the Deepwater Horizon oil spill in a village pond, black slicked amphibians and all.
-
A sad song about a discontinued pot noodle from 2005
-
Omelette challenge music plays as you take your last breath
-
An attic of horrors collapses onto revellers at roundabout pub the Olde Cum Buckete.
-
A sad song about a discontinued pot noodle from 2005
are you talking about posh noodles? specifically sweet and sour flavour?
if so does this song exist?
-
Netball Hooligans
-
A toddler rips the sleeve of The Thompson Twins - Heres to the Future Days into loads of tiny pieces.
-
The craze over macaques - the funniest thing you posted, or ever will post - comes to a natural close. Three weeks later, nobody remembers.
-
The off-license is closed for a holiday you’ve never heard of.
-
She doesn’t bring you flowers any more.
-
Donald Trump / Mike Pence 2020
-
The off-license is closed for a holiday you’ve never heard of.
No joke I was at a house party once that was organised by a mates missus and a woman I didn't know started talking at me like she knew me, she realised I didn't really know who she was and just said 'I used to serve you in Threshers'.
-
No joke I was at a house party once that was organised by a mates missus and a woman I didn't know started talking at me like she knew me, she realised I didn't really know who she was and just said 'I used to serve you in Threshers'.
DESOLATION
-
Deciduous pigeons, bald by winter, crowd in gaggles in theatre rafters and heckle the magician’s ever-feathered doves.
-
A shitty kid on an adventure holiday screams at a tree, spooking it and causing it to fly off in a flock of four million splinters.
The splinters whirl up in a storm of confused shards over a nearby spa town.
Deftly and neatly they pierce the hearts and eyeballs of every single elderly resident, as well as their cat and dog familiars.
-
An eight second delay undermines an attempted obscene Skype call.
-
"Something to remember me by, my darling."
It's a bottled sample of her husband's bloody vomit, which had been a daily feature of his battle with stomach cancer.
-
An eight second delay undermines an attempted obscene Skype call.
+1 karma
-
A church fête contains a blackface painter, belming competition, make your own golliwog, bearded lady and a freak show and attempts to stop any of it are derided as 'political correctness gone mad' by the parish's 70-something true blue Tory constituents celebrating a successful Brexit and staunch adherence to what they call "Judeo-Christian values".
-
(https://i.imgur.com/LuS7uez.png)
-
half-price 'World Cup' aquavit - now £1.49 ONO
-
A warm day blows its load waaaay too early
-
A toddler rips the sleeve of The Thompson Twins - Heres to the Future Days into loads of tiny pieces.
ouch. premonition...
-
A three act play about knobheads arguing about gas
-
A three act play about knobheads arguing about gas
One of my favourite episodes of Bottom, that.
<tag>all active users chime in with DESOLATION!</tag>
-
Known workplace rapist laughs loudly at your jokes, 50p/min
Partial rabbit impaled on tin shards, 75p/min
Rain-damaged uncle wanks over occupied mousetraps, £1.50/min
Shitfaced assistant manager does racist impressions, £4.25/minority
I will cure your child's cancer with ham, £7/min (8 treatments)
Albert makes his bedsores talk, £8/hr
Immobile & obese trawlerman blows sardines out of his hole, £475 pcm
The Definitive Sympathetic Albert Square Nonce Tour, call for rates
-
A putrefying old maid staggers into an RSPCA rescue centre and regurgitates three half-digested kittens onto the counter.
"Found these on my doorstep and didn't want them to get cold."
"Just don't give them away to any gypsy kids, ok?"
-
Some moshers fail at cricket on the green
-
Jedward release a cover album of punk classics
-
A buried penis syndrome web dev mines a wotsit out of his gut fold
-
A healthy, happy, handsome baby boy grows up to become an estate agent and the chief moderator on one of the world's biggest armpit fetishist websites.
-
A personality cult grows around Paul Ross
-
A seagull is genuinely stumped by the choice of a tramp's fresh stool or a cracked open can of tripe mix.
-
A bunged nostril volunteers to negotiate Brexit
-
Brett tears down the hanging ceiling and makes a hole in the office roof so he can chuck the contents of the fridge up to the pigeons.
Later in a tense meeting with management and HR it was concluded Brett ate his sandwich and forgot about it, rather than it being stolen and you can access the roof quite easily via the fire escape door.
-
A thick film of bum-mousse refuses to be flushed in trap 1 and Alan from the warehouse is in trap 2 with the Financial Times.
-
A nymph flies into a goatse.
-
"Darren, meet him, meet your son, your first born son, you are a father!"
"...No."
-
Oops
My self confidence has been bolstered today by the fact I've changed the font on my phone.
Exercise and a nice meal failed.
-
Colin completes his seventh marathon listen-through of every instalment of the Chris Moyles Radio 1 Breakfast Show.
And he's STILL hearing little nuggets of aural gold that he's not noticed before!
-
Sophie's experiment to get her guinea pig on the television ends with a broken DVD player covered in blood.
-
A cherished memory box absolutely reeks of dad farts and remorse.
-
I didn't have enough for crisps in the Poundworld closing down sale
-
a minor celebrity sees mild ironic student cult following as the highest point
-
a Hawaiian Medical Examiner embalms a gangland shooting victim with no added sugar Orangina
\\\giggling for all the world when it foams up in an exit wound.
-
A 'shower' consists of wiping his undercarriage and shitbox with a spat on sock.
A whole packet of Angel Delight gulped down before it has time to set. Best nightcap ever. Another one for breakfast.
-
a minor celebrity sees mild ironic student cult following as the highest point
The Twins in the touring Fun House show who actually get off with eachother are twins
No mullet to be seen.
-
Richard Herring wakes up with two ham hands and both armpits profusely dispensing sun cream.
-
A man pauses during a rousing rendition of Vindaloo to check his body thetan count. Shit - still high.
-
A snuff vid is shot through a cat face filter.
-
Jeremy Vine goes full Paul Ross and signs off the afternoon show with a war cry straight from the belly before jetting up the A40 to some woods snorting coke off some blackberry bushes and noshing anything with a meat protrusion.
-
A blocked toilet. A new pair of Farahs. A faulty flush mechanism. Tears before bedtime.
-
A strawberry tropical Calippo dangles from the clenched teeth of a boob-elbower, like the demented proboscis of a mutilated tapir.
-
Axiopraxys, Higher Fire Demon, is rejected for a shorthold tenancy.
-
Mum spends an afternoon of her holiday in a Lagos police station referring to her robber as "the coloured boy"
-
Frank throws a sack of children's tears into a ditch-cum-beck.
-
14,000+ people live in Rock Ferry.
Fuckin thing won't float, mark my words. Duffy's concept album, bleak.
-
A cat suffocates in a bag for life.
-
A motherless starling gets cancer from a rainbow.
-
A cat suffocates in a bag for life.
Excellent
-
A man spends a lunchtime failing to ascertain what number jokes thread this pale blue, arseholes' website is up to.
-
A lioness gets sick of having to do all the work and starts a trade union. The lions get wind of it and have a word with the poacher.
-
A hospice worker sticks at it through the satisfaction of knowing everyone is soon dying but she is remaining alive.
-
A teaching assistant snaps. She's heard quite enough of the immature lad near the back.
"No Jordan, you do NOT refer to Bethany as an 'absolute grem'. She is a *reads notes* 'medical Welsh spastic with care needs' and you'd do well to remember that, you little fuckwit".
-
The keyboardist for a Fathers For Justice themed prog band pauses mid opening solo to bend down and turn on a little fan that barely tickles his spandex cape; it twinkles like sunset on a Pete bog in the disco lighting
He is wearing a kimono and converse. Bassist looks at his phone in the distance, guitarist is doing a line in the disabled toilet, roaring like a wild boar in a trap
-
Justin Bieber’s concept album.
-
Justin Bieber’s concept album.
-
One less fucking gig before I cark it
Lionel Richie thinks, blanking his keyboardist as he passes him in the corridor
-
Justin Bieber’s concept album.
-
Dion Dublin uses his own ejaculate as mastic when fixing up the latest house for auction.
-
An unemployed man tries to make a few quid child-minding but has to give up his fleshlight when his nephew finds 'Uncle's funny pencil case'.
-
A family from Walsall cancel their holiday to Italy after their son has a screaming crying fit upon learning that they don't do Monster Munch over there.
-
An autistic failure weeps unashamedly after misaligning the press studs on his new Craghoopers cagoul outside a Lake Windermere chip shop.
-
A family from Walsall cancel their holiday to Italy after their son has a screaming crying fit upon learning that they don't do Monster Munch over there.
Massively offensive/offended as a former Walsall resident.
-
Did you move to somewhere where they do Monster Munch though?
-
Did you move to somewhere where they do Monster Munch though?
no :(
-
no :(
Desolation.
-
Massively offensive/offended as a former Walsall resident.
didn't realise we had any Polish posters :o
-
A teaching assistant snaps. She's heard quite enough of the immature lad near the back.
"No Jordan, you do NOT refer to Bethany as an 'absolute grem'. She is a *reads notes* 'medical Welsh spastic with care needs' and you'd do well to remember that, you little fuckwit".
Absolutely magnificent
-
After eating the pie "Kevin" at Pieminister (and liking it), Alan calls the corporeal remains of Tracey, the hostess he raped and mutilated "Pie 1".
-
Jamie Theakston goes “mega”.
-
Jamie Theakston goes “mega”.
Mega BUS that is.
A slow and haunting version of the Waterboys I Saw The Whole Of The Moon gets stuck on repeat in his head all the way to Birmingham
-
A child's dreams are crushed in Royston.
-
A child's dreams are crushed in Royston.
Royston''s eternally weeping eye briefly opens and looks to the heavens, a shiver of joy ripples through the turgid sac of his immobile crystalis
-
A butterfly emerges from its chrysalis into a can of Skol and is grateful for the solitude.
-
A gammon receives a nationwide ban from all Wetherspoons.
-
A fuckbrained stevedore cripples an alsatian, knocks its teeth out and ploughs its mouth
-
These Eamonn Holmes Funko - Pops are just flying off the shelves!
-
a wedding photo, rendered incomprehensible through a 50 50 combination of water damage and GIF compression
-
Toby's list of all time greatest things ever begins and ends with the bridge linking the Newport Pagnell service stations.
-
Cheesecake Muffin!? That's Cheesecake! In a muffin!!
-
Toby's list of all time greatest things ever begins and ends with the bridge linking the Newport Pagnell service stations.
Intriguing. Go on....
-
That's all I've got. Sorry.
-
That's all I've got. Sorry.
DESOLATION!
-
A hefty Tesco whinge bag instals two permanent robotic fingers inside her swarfega clunge so she can shop and frig at the same time.
-
A fucking idiot bursts the balloon Jesus during a church fête.
-
A police wombat wrongly identifies a lamppost as a paedophile.
-
A mouse caught in a glue-trap weakly squeaks along to the Animal Hospital music as it expires, praying for a Rolf that will never arrive
-
devoid of meaninful human contact, an elderly Rolf Harris focuses on rodents instead. It's a welcome break from those big fuck off outback landscapes with the telegraph pole and the fence.
-
A UN goodwill ambassador is caught behind the flaps of the fair, fucking a waltzer generator.
-
Poundland security guard tweezers the heads of ticks out of his forearms as yet another rape occurs two aisles over where the Quavers are.
-
A Ugandan child postman finally delivers the summer 1998 Littlewoods catalogue to a munitions cubicle which is manned only by a tiny rusted skeleton.
-
he shouts "paedo" at the guy for cockblocking his experimental efforts with this noncing thing
-
Margaret Court goes scissoring with her Alsatian.
Death to gays, she exclaims throughout: Death to gays
-
A man catches his face on an abandoned hanging ball basket hook on Yarm high street
It rips clean off and spends weeks flipping and flapping in the wind whilst the crows peck at the zits and stains
No one sees yay so he spends the day working at his station, skull face sluicing pink blood and white snot
-
A sobbing mong listening to Mwng.
-
Dennis is deemed a "traitor" and ostracised by the rest of the United Biscuits workforce after his wife accidentally puts one of the kids' Oreo snack packs in his lunch.
-
Where now for giant baby Trump balloon?
-
A plimsoll is rejected by its peers.
-
A Ugandan child postman finally delivers the summer 1998 Littlewoods catalogue to a munitions cubicle which is manned only by a tiny rusted skeleton.
+1
Margaret Court goes scissoring with her Alsatian.
Death to gays, she exclaims throughout: Death to gays
+1
-
An Indian restaurant is closed down for serving collapsed lampshades as poppadums.
An uncultured Australian refuses to buy his wife balsamic vingegar because ‘I’m not facking queer, woman’.
A professor of rectal studies is sacked for making replicas of colleagues’ arses for his own amusement.
On a factory tour, a 7 year old who thinks drinking Vimto will turn their piss purple is ground into a pulp of the desired colour by one of the company’s reversing lorries.
A bollock-faced virgin gurns in a shed.
-
Two-nil down and it's half past four. We'll be relegated by March. You're coming next Saturday, aye?
-
A patrol leader in NONCE JUSTICE POWYS gets all gravy down his shirt
-
An aggressive Malaysian finally has success with his chat up line "YOU THERE, WOMAN"
-
Jeremoquai does his shuffly dance straight into the open arms of the pube filter in his broken steam room.
-
A well meaning imp of a man tries to circumcise his dog with a tin opener
-
Paul Ross imatates a rotisserie chicken
-
Auditioning for The Voice and instead of singing you argue that you’ve been erroneously given a parking ticket and you’re here to fight it on principle.
-
Two barren spinsters fight over the last pair of blue eyes in a Build-A-Baby workshop.
-
Gimpy husband worming along through his bungalow, following a trail of musk to the bathroom where his doddering old mantis-faced wife is swapping acid reflux with the 22-stone James Corden laugh-alike from next door
-
A child's first meal consists of a liquidised Farmfoods Mince Round and chippy chips.
The beanbag mother drinks the majority of it.
-
The battle to the death of two chodes ends in flaccid exhaustion.
-
A group of friends plan a fantasy role playing game in costume in a real ale pub.
(If it doesn't sound desolate, you aren't on the next table watching them trying on scabbards and discussing the height at which they should be worn, and now I know a word I didn't know ten minutes ago)
-
Overheard conversation: "Someone put a brilliant picture up on Facebook yesterday...."
-
On the Origin of Species
Foreword by Professor Danny Dyer
-
An undead lad buys four unmarked graves in Shrewsbury.
-
“Then I’ll FUCK the autism out of you!”
-
Then I'll DEBATE the autism out of you
-
An atrophied bicep is reflected in a defunct tax disc holder.
-
Tracing the whereabouts of a shit you did in 1996
-
Russell Grant is rushed to hospital after mistaking a heavily used fly swat for a stroopwafel.
-
Leaving your son in the care of your local Co-op so you can go off on the shag round Dudley.
-
A sad single mum with crap hair eats unflavoured pasta by a cold radiator.
-
Spazzy Annie Giving birth in Tesco and tries scanning the little cunt on self service
-
The registry office register your newborn son's name as "Ravishing Rick Rude" and tell you "there's not a single fucking thing you can do about it, you fat cunt".
-
Backstage at Glastonbury 2009, Lady Gaga's touring guitarist racially abuses a gospel singer from Kasabian's backing band. Dave Rowntree gnaws on a chicken and bacon sandwich in the foreground.
-
A Pharoah builds a huge complex of pyramids that align with the stars. For wanking purposes.
-
Alexander The Great has a moment of doubt. "m-m-maybe I'm actually not that great" :(
-
A silicon valley billionare techbro gets his microdose wrong and spends the day fascinated by the concept of chairs to the extent he believes he is one. In a shareholders meeting. Share prices plummet.
-
Divvy dan tries to blow his brains out with a spud gun.
-
Divvy dan tries to blow his brains out with a spud gun.
He succeeds.
-
First day of Primary School and instead of an actual schoolbag, a child has to make do with a plastic one from Farmfoods.
"Farmy" dies of a drug overdose some 23 years later.
-
Withernsea LIDL, Saturday 10:05
Alan enters with twin sisters, one in either hand.
There is no movement and so he stops. Fuck's with this. You can all have the eye. And slowly, slowly it begins.
The king in the north
The King In the North
The King In the North
THE KING IN THE NORTH
THE KING IN THE NORTH!
THE KING IN THE NORTH!
Finally, some respect from these ingrates. 2 x Bensons purchased.
-
A signage salesman drunkenly confesses to a Bradford prostitute that he fucking despises his heavily-disabled daughter. She nods along, feigning sympathy, while working robotically towards the hand job's grim conclusion.
-
Johnny Depp obliviously tweets praise for the versatile acting of Paul Whitehouse after catching a fleeting iPlayer snippet of Whitehouse, genuinely distraught, sobbing himself dry on Question Time while describing the recent - and stunningly violent - death of his late friend and colleague Bob Mortimer during a piscine paroxysm.
-
An unemployed man googles “how to find love”.
-
Alan Bennet burns the roof of his mouth on an over-hot cheese toastie.
-
Flogging old tat on gumtree.
-
Massive shit. No bogroll. Stuck in the megabus lav for the rest of the journey to Hastings, sitting directly above your business. The other passengers know.
-
The Baltimore Orioles.
-
Chris Evans is forced to interrupt his eggs jingle to announce the murders of his immediate family.
A Marxist sock seller has a breakdown in a post office.
Tom Hiddlestone is caught doing cackling impressions of disabled people.
The UK’s last remaining greater mouse-eared bat chokes on a Lidl bockwurst.
-
A barn owl is decommissioned: “no longer fit for purpose”.
-
Craig plots to install Windows 95 on his son, Kai.
-
Sharon pretends to fry an egg.
-
^this one had me howling with laughter, for some mad reason.
-
A sex machine breaks down.
-
A sex machine breaks Dan.
-
A volunteer at a collapsed building makes a mental note
"Only the white ones. Don't bother with the dark ones"
-
A sex machine breaks Dan.
... but he can't hear you.
-
Oscar comes home from school to find an empty house and the note “Dog in grave. Dad at rave”
-
“Dog in grave. Dad at rave”
Mum at Dave’s. Bloody lovin’ it.
-
As the quicksand engulfs him, Phil's frantic brain can only conjure up images of a cackling Lenny Henry in a bath advertising Premier Inns.
-
"FUCKIN CMON THEN AN KILL AYS YE CUNTS" screams the nugget custodian at a KFC as a massed knot of gobbling teenagers swarms over his counter demanding carcass of bird and beast.
-
The constant fucking bleating of baby rhinoceroses drives a zookeeper to extinction.
-
The constant fucking bleating of imaginary baby rhinoceroses drives a zookeeper to extinction.
-
Two absolute spakkers take 56 minutes between them to figure out how to work a kettle in a bedsit.
-
A family of cripples look on in hatred and envy at a group of joggers.
-
Lisa Stansfield eats an apple sitting on a pissy-smelling wall.
-
Carol has to pick up her teeth with broken fingers after another Stella fuelled attack from Norman.
-
A locust crawls into an Argus beer bottle and sobs.
-
Roy Chubby Brown looks out, several hundred pairs of eyes on him, demanding, insisting he drops all pretence of "material" and "structure" and just says the word "nigger" again.
-
Gerald Nutface walks up to a woman in a bar and tells her he has "sexy golf clubs".
-
Gerald Nutface walks up to a woman in a bar and tells her he has "sexy golf clubs".
I like this a lot. :)
-
A child's eulogy is soured by a cretin's belch.
-
Friendzoned in Shoezone.
-
A coroner's report contains the phrase "bitch got cunted"
-
A man tries to wank off to the sex noise coming from next door. He fails, he is deflated by the thought that they are having all this great-sounding sex and he isn't getting any. Resigned, he goes for a shit. At least, he thinks, it might be a good firm one and I'll get a clean break. It's a smeary one.
-
A seismologist tells a Blind Date contestant how he'll smash her Richter scale.
-
A coroner's report contains the phrase "bitch got cunted"
Like this a lot
-
A man misses his daughter's funeral because he took the bus instead of a taxi. Saved £3.20 though.
-
A man misses his daughter's funeral because he took the bus instead of a taxi. Saved £3.20 though.
Money in the bank, he thinks to himself. Money in the bank.
-
(https://i.imgur.com/XwqLdh9.png)
-
There IS a light that ALWAYS goes out
-
The only time I've heard Smiths songs is when Morrissey's band plays them
-
Changed the OK Google voice to a man so I can actually believe it
-
(https://s33.postimg.cc/4eirbq49r/IMG_20180727_162936.jpg)
(https://s33.postimg.cc/wso6vm79b/IMG_20180727_162940.jpg)
-
A Spunk in the Hand is Worth Two in the Missus
Thinks Chris, shuddering over a premiere inn toilet
-
A half-listening Russell Grant's ears prick up as his mum describes her friend as "nutty as a fruitcake". Realising his mistake he returns to his share bag of wine gums.
-
"Ooh a spare five minutes", thinks Stan. "I shall visit Facebook and barrack a wog".
-
A Suicide Girl is diagnosed with flat feet.
-
Someone suggests going to the "Chinky chonk" for some chow mein
-
A kids nursery offers a discount if you don't mind having someone who's not DBS-checked
-
I start gently weeping at 1pm in a branch of Leon
-
I start gently weeping at 1pm in a branch of Leon
Your tinder-date dispassionately considers the situation, before walking off and leaving you to pay for both lunches.
-
All things will get in well. And all manner of things will get in well.
-
Horny as owt, with zero standards - still can't get laid.
-
stuck in the midcard of the bill, just after Britain's Only Right Wing Comedian. And just before Britain's Only Right Wing Comedian. Britain's Only Right Wing Comedian is headlining. Just fifty three to share a night with now.
-
Kicked out of a Burger King for being dressed too sloppily
-
Murdered for an Ikea lampshade.
-
Trying a home remedy for phimosis by liberally lining a fleshlight with deep heat and having a damn good pummel.
-
A guitarist struggling for applause changes his between-songs banter to complaints about the hassle of changing tunings. Six songs in, he sounds anger.
Jon Coley is next up.
It's raining so I can't skin up.
-
A courtoom sketch artist gives in to his desire to just draw gaping fannies.
-
Two different experiences of having a dick are foisted upon the same man.
-
Roger Gleaves-Faraday is finally arrested, after years of speculation and investigation. The Faraday dynasty were rumored to hold a secret son in the attic of their grand home, and the Flying Squad caught Sir Roger red-handed, at "FEEDING TIME! HENRY ALWAYS HAS HIS MULLER YOGURT AT TEN PM ON THE DOT, BEFORE IT'S BACK IN THE CAGE!!!"
-
Got KBd from a chav pub by two bouncers because I'm wearing shorts in 29 degree weather.
Got KBd from the next chav pub by two bouncers because I'm wearing shorts. Feels hotter
I ask for Why exactly?
'Dress code'. Ask a dickhead question..
Just been KBd from _______
COOKDANDBOMBD.CO.UK,
Girl on the train is from Flint.
-
A handjob delivered with a rubber glove.
-
Just got a girlfriend experience from a hooker
She shouted at me, gave me the cold shoulder then stormed out, to sleep with my mate instead.
Was pretty authentic
-
A handjob delivered with a rubber glove.
To a rubber penis.
-
A stalker's belief that masturbating while overlooking his quarry's funeral was hitting rock bottom is brought into question when, a few days later, he finds himself browsing the shovel section at Homebase.
A man gets a permanent second face after clinical drug trials go wrong.
-
A brexiteer cheerfully fills their garage with fray bentos 'just in case'.
-
Knowing everything there is to know about the opening day lineup of the 2016 Chicago White Sox.
-
Black fuzz puckered in the leisure centre drains like wet wigs. Laughing, the caretaker hands you a single chopstick and tells you to get to work.
-
A mountainside patchworked with dead climbers hosts the first corvid competitive-eating contest.
-
A whinnying prick of a horse heaves up grassy bile over a child face-painted like a fantasy pirate golliwog in some parochial enclave.
-
After a disastrous night on the pub quiz machine, a man who looks and smells like Patrick Moore if he consumed nothing but amaretto and turkish delight, launches his fist into the cratered moon of his wife's face.
-
A dismal midlands field agent finds a nest of childrens fingers wrapped up in a north face windbreaker.
-
A drunk ex-dad watches the sun come up from underneath his bench, his swollen heart belches at every woman jogger that passes.
-
Cider Terry volleys an intact Freddo over a henge.
" Johnny Wilkinson kicks for World Cup glory...."
-
Nei-ghbours, should be there for one another
That's when good neighbours fuck a kid to death
-
Man buys a soft porn magazine from a newsagents
-
Children's classic Avocado Baby returned angrily to Shotton Library for being the origin story of Millennials
-
Identical twins bound by mutual hatred of one another get into a fight in a disused implement rendering plant.
Jello
No - Jelly
-
Being diagnosed with ringworm, in Slough, on a Wednesday.
-
Being diagnosed with ringworm, in Slough, on a Wednesday.
That was the end of Solomon Smenesday
-
The Queen reveals that OBE has always stood for Obvious Bell End. Then she just laughs. She laughs and laughs.
-
Then she adds "Member of the British Empire? Come on lads, it was all there"
"Come on...member. Member. As in cock!"
-
You find out your dads a secret life as your mum.
-
It slowly dawns on Rick that he's been watching Taggart for the last half hour.
-
Remember that tank top you bought me
You wrote "you're an anus" on it
-
Worried Len draws a smile on his mirror with a Pentel pen.
-
A man's heart cracks a little bit. Not all the way, enough for it to hurt though.
-
gig audience outnumbered by the Aqua Velvas
-
You enter a toilet to see a man fastidiously taking the numbers scribed on the wall for rancid anus hollowing.
-
Ripe for the picking, semen chowder.
-
Brought up on all the American movie classics, Terry from East Bromwich takes his first excitable steps towards a dimly lit truck stop just outside of Cleveland, Ohio. "This will be just like Every Which Way But Loose" he squeals. Not his last squeal for now.
-
he wished too quick and without thinking: creme eggs for eyes
-
Eleanor Roosevelt is described as "the worst one of the lot" by a joyless haemorrhagic on a cul-de-sac.
-
The launch of a Tesco-Value child
-
The launch of a Tesco-Value child
Best before Aug 3rd
-
A 56 year old alcoholic gets up and does a cover of The Beastie Boys' 'Intergalactic' down the local boozer.
-
Afternoon tea at The Ritz, a Jacob Rees-Mogg fan asks for ‘a nigger’s worth’ of milk in his cup.
-
A 56 year old alcoholic gets up and does a cover of The Beastie Boys' 'Intergalactic' down the local boozer.
It's not even karaoke night.
-
Paddy McGuinness disowns his lovechild because her eyes are a bit too close together and she smells funny.
-
Derek leers over the counter with a tin of oxtail soup at the ready
"Let's make this one a Stockport Pizza!"
-
It's not even karaoke night.
It's not even open
-
Eyyyyyyeeee-watering shite
Afternoon Delight
-
My bowels have been voided - can't use them any more
-
A blinking red light at a Tesco self service station goes unanswered.
-
A blinking red light at a Tesco self service station goes unanswered.
"Expected moron in bagging area" mutters a beleaguered middle aged spinster 10 minutes later and gives you an evil.
-
Your wife stops hassling you about your heavy drinking.
-
Sharon cooks locks of her hair in a pot as if it's pasta.
-
THE WHEELS ARE FALLING OFF THE BUS
he wispers unheard, a tide of currently unknown fluid pouring out of him at an alarming rate.
-
"Are you alright, Jerry? We've noticed you seem a bit distant lately."
"Oh, yes, sorry, Barbara!" laughed Jerry, putting down his brandy. "It's just that I've been receiving communications from aliens lately."
"Aliens, old chap? That sounds a bit rum!" chuckled Tom.
"Yes, well, my doctor says it's something called 'disassociation', but I don't believe him. I've become obsessed with The Aliens."
"It's all he talks about these days," muttered Margo from the corners of her mouth, before pouring herself a worryingly-large gin.
-
I checked my privilege and it turns out I owe loads
-
A panda pushes out a disappointing fart, as the closing notes of 'Bohemian Rhapsody' play from the zoo cafe.
-
Apple becomes world's first trillion dollar company
-
An apple bounces off the bonce of a squirrel and sends it skewiff for the rest of the day, doesn't even bury his nut quota!
-
A grumpy dad scrunches up his son's brilliant painting of a dolphin and fucks it in the bin thoughtlessly. "Place needed tidying up. Now get out and play football with the normal, healthy boys."
-
Hey You!
I wanna take you to a HOSPICE
-
St Andrews Primary School Theatre Productions
present
A Clockwork Orange
-
Have you seen the stylish PAEDOPHILES in the riot
-
Have you seen the stylish PAEDOPHILES in the riot
Latest GQ magazine available in all good WHSmith's NOW.
-
A gang of printers laugh and piss on an engraver's guild
-
Julie spends her day off work thinking about Oxo cubes.
-
Paul livens up the day by blagging his way into a school and stealing 300 jotters
-
A 56 year old alcoholic gets up and does a cover of The Beastie Boys' 'Intergalactic' down the local boozer.
It's Shaun Ryder
-
Paul Joseph Gordon Watson plays a xylophone with an Irish kid's femur, it go blimp boomp bimmp
-
A bloke wanders past the abandoned Remploy site in Ashington with his missus.
"Tell you what, shit in my hands: I'll eat it"
-
Stacey's last earnest joyful memory of an existence content and at peace, is vanquished by a tsunami of vole cum
-
Nelson Mandela surveys the Greenfield site where the new Nelson Mandela Building will be erected.
Directing the proceedings, he commands:
MORE PEBBERDASH
-
Former F1 driver Gaston Mazzacane gets a twirl of strozzapreti "right up in his shit"
-
Karl really really would love to be "a bender" but his willy always goes soft and his bum accepts nothing and he is immediately sick upon the sight of someone else's erection. His liver and thorax are later discovered in a sick bag near the entrance to a dark matter research facility.
-
Gav from Bawtry Retail Solutions gets a letter from Readers Digest confirming he is now Thain of Glamis.
-
"Know what goes wi' burgers?" says Moira.
"what" says Racquel
"Dog"
-
An Andrex puppy is kicked across a rec ground by a people trafficking gnome. The weird thing is it keeps running back to him.
-
After his son clearly can't manage the bike without stabilisers and ploughs sideways into a bottle bank, Darren the world's greatest dad (with mug to prove it) orders him to now have to learn "in your pants"
-
Leominster's town epigram changes to "When life gives you Leominster, make Leominsternade"
-
A racist cartoonist says "Dgur Swiss Charley" after being challenged on all the hundreds of racism.
-
The blackest evening, the tremulous twilight, the sepulchral dawn, the hearse, the service, the wake, the unbroken terror, the maw of grief, the flagellating corrosive despair. Ooh, a Toffo.
-
A canada goose hisses at then attacks The Last Tommy.
-
The cheat codes for WWF Smackdown for the PS One are read out solemnly and verbatim at a remembrance service in Rotherham for a mostly forgotten clerk.
RT, X, O, X, < - Restore Health
"If only", Auntie Jean remarks. "If only".
-
A fire warden at an ailing chip factory self-immolates to test the reactions of his colleagues. They hate him so he is left to burn to death.
-
A troubled glazier always includes a piece of himself in every fitting. Not long left for ol Geoff, he thinks. Not long left now at all. He surveys the car park of Asda Living and his mind drowns.
-
Due to cutbacks Jill will have to go to work today without a fragment of her soul, now obliterated and lost forever. Still, she runs an unethical pawnbrokers so quite frankly, fuck her.
-
While eight milennials coo at a pug, thousands of miles away the deleterious cast-offs of their feckless consumer lifestyle are flytipped onto a crab reserve.
-
menage a-battoir
-
Cocaine starts coming in packets saying things like "This product was hand-trafficked to you by José, aged 12, from La Paz. By purchasing this product you are helping José's 10 year old sister stay out of prostitution for another 2 years until José is shot in the face in an ICE raid".
-
There's something in the air.
It's the smell of shit.
-
Stan's mindblowing egg farts are captured by the CIA and repurposed. Come November he boasts down the pub about how his very own arse gas is used to strip the skin from Yemeni children. Two or three are quite impressed.
-
The last millennial is mathematically priced-out of the property market.
-
Jean-Marie Deletraz does the launch for new cereal Mueslesque
-
During a debate about fantasy dinner parties, Dave from Crowle declares he would "absolutely love" being at a dinner where the world's "acest" mass executioners discuss their techniques.
-
The surviving cast of Porridge are drafted into a celebrity XI team for a charity football match.
The orphans end up dying of gut rust anyway.
-
Doncaster and Rotherham band together and vow to recreate Britain in their own image.
-
A tapir’s marriage fall apart.
-
A drum roll, before a disembodied cock flies 90 metres across a field.
-
A thirsty stray dog laps from the communal village spunk bucket, which overflows now there is no-one to empty it since the Chuckle Brothers were driven out.
-
A drum roll, before a disembodied cock flies 90 metres across a field.
Gave me the chuckles
-
A weak owl pellet broth does not a wedding cake make
Thinks Ian Tindale, far too late.
-
Ian projectile-vomits warm prosecco and frozen-in-the-middle chicken wing all over Barnaby, 5
-
Gave me the chuckles
Something of the Monty Python about it. I also liked it.
-
a walk home through an industrial estate in the sodium yellow street lights. drizzle. Tuesday night. Fucking no score draw, as usual.
-
12 weeks’ intensive anus dilation causes a man’s intestines to splatter the A14 after an unsuccessful attempt at farting the McDonald’s whistle theme.
-
At a poorly attended press conference a pimpled Royal Navy commissary is forced to concede that the Queen’s new ship is powered from the blood of skull-fucked babies.
-
A stoat sized turd is fished out of a blocked toilet bowl and is re-purposed as a door stop at Thompson's cardboard box factory.
-
He pulls out all the teeth in his skull to make a necklace for his not existent wife.
-
A tired and emotional Christopher Morris can't be arsed to make any new material.
-
A project manager's inherent love of raping magpies is rekindled by a chance viewing of Shrek 3
-
As part of a nostalgia trip Pete returns to the town where he grew up. He visits the orchard on Shadey Lane, to see if the apple tree where he and his first love carved their names is still standing. He finds the inscription has survived all these years, albeit with one slight modification.
(https://i.imgur.com/R0s0Wks.png)
-
A tired and emotional Christopher Morris can't be arsed to make any new material.
:(
-
A cartel of florists chuckles that the closest anyone got was discredited conspiracy waffle about the Duke of Edinburgh
-
Robbie Williams decides to try a de hippedy hop
-
Ian projectile-vomits warm prosecco and frozen-in-the-middle chicken wing all over Barnaby, 5
I read that as 'Iran...'.
-
On a visit to your favourite Nan, she declares she has always found you to be "a proper cunt"
-
The sound of the wind is replaced by Chris Martin going AHHHHWAHHHHHWAHHHHWOAHHHHHHHH
-
Alan calls his imaginary spaceship ALAN 5
-
At gunpoint, a concert pianist is forced to play Michael Nyman for five hours.
-
A SEASIDE mafioso pins a crime on a donkey.
-
Simon tries to pin the tail on the funky
-
Spiking your own drink so you can see what a hospital looks like.
-
Converting a WAV file to Islam
-
The man who does demeaning impressions of people does a really demeaning impression of the way the elderly paedophile in his Idaho NAMBLA branch masturbates.
-
A woman has a fireman fetish, so sets an orphanage alight
-
Following an undeserved parking ticket, Wrexham's most powerful warlock unleashes 'the mother of all Twitterstorms.'
-
Piles of nan's shit = personal effects
-
Vomiting the pet of a guy you just met
That's amoré
-
An old couple come to the pub just to watch the end of the football transfer window
(from my Reality Series ®)
-
An old couple come to the pub just to watch the end of the football transfer window
(from my Reality Series ®)
I laughed but then thought of the even more depressing reality that many people will specifically be having a "big night in" to watch it. At least the above folk have got out of the house.
-
the Rotherham Shrike claims his third mannequin victim.
"Give it a rest, Barry," mutters the River Island area manager.
-
A woman with a severe expression submits that "Life Is A Rollercoaster" carries an overt pro-rape message.
-
Third Rate Third Rate Dad
I whant to be
A third rate dad
-
A mild but loud argument breaks out in the pub about the best chippy in Wrexham
(from my Reality Series ©)
-
Colin wallpapers himself into an unused nook.
-
A bus driver on her first day asks me, who is inebriated, where I'm going and if I can direct her if she's going the wrong way
(from my Reality Series ©... Again)
Posting my actual life in the Desolation Thread
-
correction: the fourth sentence should read "fisting", not "fishing"
-
"To me, to....."
-
Stu backs up his entire music collection then leaves his library of over 12000 CDs on his front yard for people to take, free.
He's archived them in .ram format...
-
A thug shatters his toe on a recalcitrant child-admirer.
-
Raffle tickets on sale for the old folks home. £1 a ticket. First prize - a jar of turmeric.
-
"this pogrom is sponsored... by Amstel. And Continen-TAL"
-
Brian is rejected by the Foreign Legion for being too parochial.
-
The pages of a book on serial killers are stuck together with spunk
-
Wanting to get sick because it would indicate I've had some human contact
-
A woman bemoans the fact her husband's diagnosis of Alzheimer's has come "too late for me to properly enjoy watching every second of him falling to pieces".
-
Steve's funeral is postponed, but never rearranged
-
Sitting in a block of flats watching the sort of travel station trash where a blighted Alaskan called Chip Fuckson is required to kill a pike. Ad break now and a golden-lit Phillip Schofield is scrutinising a kitten on the behalf of webuyanycar.com
-
Sitting in a block of flats watching the sort of travel station trash where a blighted Alaskan called Chip Fuckson is required to kill a pike. Ad break now and a golden-lit Phillip Schofield is scrutinising a kitten on the behalf of webuyanycar.com
Otis Redding’s early work “lacks focus”
-
Sucking your dad off until completion after you have just eaten beetroot, spitting the purple stained spunk onto the carpet and pretending to have T.B. so that you mum can carry on claiming benefits for having Munchausens syndrome by proxy. The social wont take you into care either because of her human rights innit.
-
A spider labours all morning, weaving a beautiful web between two bushes. He sits in the middle, motionless, ready, eager, accomplished and fine.
A jet of filthy human piss gushes the spider off his web, and he drowns in the flooding pool in the dirt, his legs frantic, frantic, slower, slowly, stopped.
-
A spider labours all morning, weaving a beautiful web between two bushes. He sits in the middle, motionless, ready, eager, accomplished and fine.
A jet of filthy human piss gushes the spider off his web, and he drowns in the flooding pool in the dirt, his legs frantic, frantic, slower, slowly, stopped.
"what pub are we going to going next Daz?"
-
the condom machine dispenses just two flavours: beef and wool; Meths is out of stock
-
A computer is sworn at so hard and so often that it self-destructs. Goodbye cruel world
-
From the Reality Series:
A Sheffield hip hop night puts on an event showcasing only female DJs. The name of this woman-empowering night? Phat Bitch.
-
After a Proclaimers tribute night, a coked up Kate Humble attempts to weigh her tits.
-
Terry's morning poo shrugs at him again.
That cracked brown sausage doesn't have the answer, Terry.
-
Only 12 months until the next WimbleWrong then.
-
The Peelers crack Bob Cratchit's dark web account. The terrible truth about Tiny Tim's health is revealed.
-
Falling in love with the female soldiers in my XCOM squad
-
VERSUS 2018 finishes without a winner.
-
Knocked back from a job with a law firm simply because of my career break last year; after explaining to their HR it was because I was required to give evidence in court pertaining to my comatose brother in law's right-to-die case. (I also can and do substantiate this with the media coverage - I've been in newspapers talking about it; I was legally required to be available to give evidence, so it weren't as simple as New Jack fancies a skive). They do not hire people without continuous, generally-unbroken employment. The irony of my legal duty preventing me from a job in a law firm is lost on me.
From my Reality Series... sadly!
-
Facebook reminds Bolg of an earnest anniversary message he sent 7 years ago in a doomed relationship that ended one day after that anniversary.
-
the real New Jack jumps off a balcony to a crowd of forty disinterested souls for a hundred dollars. He is fifty five and needs this.
-
Someone implies I'm fictional online!
-
Chris only likes music made by 'fit birds'
-
The baleful howling sound of a nearby stag do haunts an impressionable child for several years following
-
It becomes apparent that the 'single ladies in his area' are all bots
This comes as something of a relief. He continues to male the monthly payments
-
A local characters laptop is paraded through the culdisac by a audibly fizzing lynch mob
Wele see how fucking perfect you are son, well fucking see
-
The baleful howling sound of a nearby stag do haunts an impressionable child for several years following
That child grows up to be L to the E to the G to the E to the N to the D GAREEEEEEEE
-
A builder is contracted to carry out construction of the new MinecraftLand theme park, and spends the next decade of his life painstakingly carving several hectares of the English countryside into perfect cubes. When the theme park finally opens it lasts a mere week due to a lack of Minecraft fans physically fit enough to walk around a theme park.
-
It's House Party time at the Centrists
Black Eyed Peas - I Gotta Feelin
Toploader - Dancing In the Moonlight
Daft Punk - Get Lucky
Madonna - Music
R Kelly - Remix to Ignition
Pharrell Williams - Happy
Take That - Shine
Mumford and Sons - I Will Wait
The Beatles - Hey Jude
Justin Timberlake - Mirrors
Oasis - Don't Look Back In Anger
Kings Of Leon - Sex On Fire
Gabrielle - Out of Reach
Red Hot Chilli Peppers - Californication
Ed Sheeran - The A Team
Savage Garden - To the Moon and Back
Queen - We Will Rock You
Robbie Williams - Rock DJ
The Killers - Somebody Told Me
-
2,136,528 people like Mock the Week on Facebook
Cancer Research UK has 1,552,753
-
Cancer Research UK has 1,552,753
'Cancer' has 4,723,478
-
A singalong to the Lighthouse Family
-
Ketted out your consciousness on the pissy floor of a warehouse in Edmonton. The rave finished two weeks ago.
-
A Jamie Oliver lookalike runs a Jamie Oliver cookalong.
Nine die.
-
Mark daubs HURT NO MORE on to a Specsavers billboard with the underjuice of a crushed gutter pigeon. In Luton.
-
NOT ketted out your consciousness on the pissy floor of a warehouse in Edmonton. The rave finished two weeks ago.
Fixed for even more Desolation
-
A Lev Shestov fan develops gangrene on a ledge.
-
Mark Vegetables spends his weekends rearranging a squirrel in the parlour.
-
A felisgender slug leaves a trail of shart on a park bench
-
A broken slug spells out the word "CUNT" on Harry's brand new double glazed french doors.
-
A pezzled ectomorph is trebucheted into a defunct phonebox.
-
An alderman falls into yet another choirboy.
-
Paul's pub talk almost entirely centres on the Green Claws Cinematic Universe
-
A man who knows most of the dialogue to Enter the Dragon by heart is swept out to sea.
A German toddler drowns softly in the family pool while the father watches self-fisting videos on a cum-rusted deckchair.
When he notices, he attempts to cry but realises he used his tears up seeing how close his face could get to the bleached toilet bowl.
-
It's House Party time at the Centrists
Black Eyed Peas - I Gotta Feelin
Toploader - Dancing In the Moonlight
Daft Punk - Get Lucky
Madonna - Music
R Kelly - Remix to Ignition
Pharrell Williams - Happy
Take That - Shine
Mumford and Sons - I Will Wait
The Beatles - Hey Jude
Justin Timberlake - Mirrors
Oasis - Don't Look Back In Anger
Kings Of Leon - Sex On Fire
Gabrielle - Out of Reach
Red Hot Chilli Peppers - Californication
Ed Sheeran - The A Team
Savage Garden - To the Moon and Back
Queen - We Will Rock You
Robbie Williams - Rock DJ
The Killers - Somebody Told Me
At the end of the evening the gather round the campfire. The hostess, Dame Margaret Hodge, is ushered into the centre of the gathering. They all rise and sing "You're Beautiful" in her honour.
-
Orville the Duck is arrested for attempted robbery of a Tesco Express in Haversham.
-
Orville the Duck is arrested for attempted robbery of a Tesco Express in Haversham.
A day after the courtcase, the headline in the Sun:
Keith Harris to Orville: YOU’RE MY VERY BEST FIEND
-
A cro-magnon faced turd-wit counts to potato in a Rotherham fun pub.
-
A wiltshire pastry druid summons the end-times with a bean slice
-
At the annual board meeting Richard from accounts announces this year's turnover has gone "proper spastic: like, in a good way"
-
5 hour delay in a shit, tiny airport. Tin of beer? 6 quid please. Terrible sandwich? 8 quid. Will your flight actually leave? Possibly.
Possibly not, though.
-
Jane's growing obsession with the battery drain on her Samsung Galaxy s7 results in Milton Keynes first and only official forest fire.
-
Top Gear festival
-
Fred Dumblebums takes the day off work and spends the afternoon in the garden firing hedgehogs out of a cannon.
-
I'm a bit drunk and ended up in a discord chat channel for witches
Oracle the Occultopus🔮 ✨ 🐙Today at 23:28
I really want/need to set up an altar space, but Hubs is notorious for not respecting spaces (Not in a malicious way, he’s just absent-minded and leaves things in random spaces) and the Spawn doesn’t respect anything because Spawn is barely a toddler.
PantaRheiToday at 23:32
Raising a child to believe anything particularly weird (and tbh, that includes most mainstream religions) is something that I'm not sure about, but they're going to get beliefs from somewhere anyway, and I figure sharing the family history, including them in lighting a candle to your Beloved Dead etc. is on the less-overtly bizarre and relatively harmless end of the spectrum
DemðñToday at 23:35
If I ever somehow get a child I would make magic something that will always be there for them
like I would leave my books out in the open and small little subliminal things
and if they ask me about it I will teach them
I realised it's just mumsnet in black
But the Desolation part of this is I'm posting chatlogs
-
YESSS YESSS YESSSSSSS WE ARE GOING TO LEGOLAND
no - that's not what I said
We are going to Heligoland
-
Limited Edition Cheeseburger flavour Super Noodles get an average 2 star review on ASDA's grocery site
-
A knock at the door.
'Oh, do come in Mel, it feels like ages,' says Sandra, giving her a hug and showing her in.
'Wow, what a lovely home, Sandra! I … '
Mel breaks off to listen to something. Yes, there's, definitely a strange … oinking noise?
'What's that sound, Sandra?'
'Oh, that! We keep pigs. Come and look.'
Sandra leads Mel down to the basement. The darkened room reeks of the piles of faeces that are scattered about, some smeared by errant footfalls. The piles condense towards the centre, where they are bestrewn with excrement-covered books of different shapes and sizes. In the middle of this is a barely human figure, on a laptop. You—Sandra's husband—are that naked figure, obliviously oinking away, while tapping out this post with your two shit-encrusted index fingers.
Behind the browser window is an animated gif of some fisting.
-
A teenager ignores a solar eclipse while refreshing twitter.
-
"Hi, I'm Steve Penk and you'll probably know me from my famous prank calls"
-
A knock at the door.
'Oh, do come in Mel, it feels like ages,' says Sandra, giving her a hug and showing her in.
'Wow, what a lovely home, Sandra! I … '
Mel breaks off to listen to something. Yes, there's, definitely a strange … oinking noise?
'What's that sound, Sandra?'
'Oh, that! We keep pigs. Come and look.'
Sandra leads Mel down to the basement. The darkened room reeks of the piles of faeces that are scattered about, some smeared by errant footfalls. The piles condense towards the centre, where they are bestrewn with excrement-covered books of different shapes and sizes. In the middle of this is a barely human figure, on a laptop. You—Sandra's husband—are that naked figure, obliviously oinking away, while tapping out this post with your two shit-encrusted index fingers.
Behind the browser window is an animated gif of some fisting.
Glad your heterosexual fantasies are starting to mature.
-
Aaron is refusing to eat Planters peanuts as their logo is clearly one of the 1%
-
‘Did he kill himself in the end?’
‘Nah, he couldn’t be arsed.’
-
New Jack answers an invasive Google Opinions survey asking about his sleep routine, which is fucking woeful due to depression, and is grateful for the 15p applied to his account for his private data
-
Paul Ross puts on John Legend while receiving redefining anal from Jonathan "Barry" Olivier.
-
'Ripon Sainsbury's Sinkhole'
-
A piggery is burnt to the trotters.
-
ITV3 returns to the air following three months' industrial action over the summer. The world learns of this just after Hallowe'en
-
A Michael disembowels
-
Having to fashion a strap on into a gas mask for a new born child in some not to distant future.
-
A great big turd drops on Michael’s head.
-
"If a butterfly flaps its wings in St Albans it creates a ripple and a tornado happens in Somerset." These were the last words of Bob Cardigan as he huddled in the corner of a lepidopterarium, slowly starving to death.
-
would be student opens letter
"We regret we can't offer you a place at Hull University"
-
From Wikipedia: On 19 June 2009, WHSmith apologised after promoting a book on cellar rapist Josef Fritzl as one of the "Top 50 Books for Dad" as a Father's Day gift.
-
From Wikipedia: On 19 June 2009, WHSmith apologised after promoting a book on cellar rapist Josef Fritzl as one of the "Top 50 Books for Dad" as a Father's Day gift.
Pretty desolate: who needs to apologise for that?
-
Pretty desolate: who needs to apologise for that?
Follow Josef's plans on the enclosed schematics with your DIY skills and some power tools and build your own sex dungeon. Try it yourself!
-
A good chunk of Shiny Happy People plays over the car stereo while the transport police drag the corpses from the wreckage.
-
Racial violence at the Barbican. Simon Rattle conducts.
-
You awaken, manacled to a girthsome steel pipe. You have headphones on with Jimmy Carr's shit bellow laugh going on in one channel and Coldplay's back catelogue going on in the other. The scene with Derek weeping is on a loop on a monitor in front of you.
-
You awaken, manacled to a girthsome steel pipe. You have headphones on with Jimmy Carr's shit bellow laugh going on in one channel and Coldplay's back catelogue going on in the other. The scene with Derek weeping is on a loop on a monitor in front of you.
yet, worse is to come
-
“Due to demand, this KFC will now be open from 10.30am”
-
On his way back from the post office, Gerald falls into the snow. He shan't be found until the thaw.
Only thirty-five.
-
Rod Stewart farts in front of The Queen. It's a real stinker, and it's still lingering by the time she's shaking hands with Michael Buble.
-
Derek sits at home fritfully war-gaming divorce scenarios.
Wrong game mate, she's just going to stab you.
-
After years of frustration about his dead-end job and the lack of promotion prospects, Adrian decides that enough is enough. He strips to the waist, breaks open several biros with his teeth and daubs the ink on his torso and face as 'warpaint'. Kicking over his chair, he marches up to John, the manager's office and grabs the door handle. Locked. John's not in today. Adrian hammers on the door with his inky fists and starts to cry. Everyone on the floor looks fixedly at their screens and tries to pretend that he isn't there.
-
A very fat man makes monthly four-figure donations to the Intellectual Dark Web.
-
A very fat man is abhorrently fat right next to a sluice gate.
-
After years of frustration about his dead-end job and the lack of promotion prospects, Adrian decides that enough is enough. He strips to the waist, breaks open several biros with his teeth and daubs the ink on his torso and face as 'warpaint'. Kicking over his chair, he marches up to John, the manager's office and grabs the door handle. Locked. John's not in today. Adrian hammers on the door with his inky fists and starts to cry. Everyone on the floor looks fixedly at their screens and tries to pretend that he isn't there.
The next day he's back at his desk... No one has said a word about his outburst. He tries to focus on the projected outflow of synergistic microtransactions scrolling up his screen but his eyes keep returning to the smudgy black hand prints on his manager's door.
HR contact him an hour later to sign Sue from accounts Get Well Soon card.
-
An inept gas collector waves another fucking jar around in the air
-
Gavin done a fratricide
-
‘Big Dave’ becomes a ‘family annihilator’ after his wife criticises his choice of wrap at Thetford McDonald’s.
-
A family are trapped in a cauldron by a bog giant until the meat simply slides off their bones. Halfway through cooking the father realises he left the car unlocked
-
The Last Will and Testament of a nobody.
-
A catterpillar
-
Ken buries his robot daughter in his robot graveyard.
-
Come see the History of Pies exhibition at Watford Museum (no actual pies allowed on premises).
-
A five-year-old child comes home from school inexplicably screaming "WHAT TIME IS IT? IT'S TIME TO FUCK THE MAINFRAME" "PUSH THE TEMPO PUSH THE TEMPO"
-
A five-year-old child comes home from school inexplicably screaming "WHAT TIME IS IT? IT'S TIME TO FUCK THE MAINFRAME" "PUSH THE TEMPO PUSH THE TEMPO"
It ceases to be inexplicable when the sweeties given out by the headmaster are tested positive for 2-cb.
-
Michael Bumfarts of Cheshire spends his Saturday cleaning the shore in the back garden. Smelly.
-
A police rabbit makes a fake bereavement call to Mrs Loppyhead down in burrow nine.
-
‘Yerrrr, right up ya lifehole, darlin’
-
Denis Thatcher cuckolding roleplay
-
Pete endeavours to start the day right, but sharts really, really early on, and it descends from there
-
Nick, believing he's an orange, climbs into a burst padderlin pool, with the other fruitmen, puffs out his cheeks, rolls against Apple John, grows woolly mould, greenish too.
-
Real life desolation : A handwritten notice in a truckers stop politely asks the lorry drivers to stop shitting on the gravel track behind the back of the cafe as the council have been around.
Being too cowardly to tell a mental brexiteers that the facebook photo of the ww1 tommy, ‘that fought four our freedom’ was in all likelihood denied suffrage.
-
Derek stitt's at home fritfully war-gaming divorce scenarios.
Wrong game mate, she's just going to stab you.
-
an exciting parallel universe that's exactly like our drudgy one, except the Channel 4 News theme is Videoscape instead of Best Endeavours
-
One of those people into American things is loudly into American things during a memorial to the Katyn wood massacre
-
Get a free nazi war criminal with every ten cups of coffee bought.
-
Derek Jameson comes back to life and is given a 24 hour a day slot on 6 Music, alleviated only by Stuart Maconie anecdotes about Curly Wurlies.
-
"I got this chair from Shackleton's you know."
-
A cretin imagines a slightly more miserable world.
-
On the last Tuesday of every month Harry looks forward to washing his five Bags for Life.
-
A solicitor turns a cartwheel whilst his defendant stares out at the Coventry gloom.
-
Too excited to sleep at night because you are going to Cymbran in the morning.
-
The Cwmbran they always dreamed of.
The Cwmbran of the future.
The Cwmbran on the global stage.
The Cwmbran as a creative hub for the arts and literature.
The Cwmbran celebrity holiday resort.
The Cwmbran where life begins.
(http://www.southwalesargus.co.uk/resources/images/7129697/?type=responsive-gallery-fullscreen)
The Cwmbran of REVELATIONS.
https://www.cwmbranlife.co.uk/daughter-spots-her-dad-cleaning-the-windows-of-their-flat-in-a-1960s-photo-of-cwmbran/ (https://www.cwmbranlife.co.uk/daughter-spots-her-dad-cleaning-the-windows-of-their-flat-in-a-1960s-photo-of-cwmbran/)
(https://www.cwmbranlife.co.uk/wp-content/uploads/2014/04/zoompam.jpg)
-
Stale Dundee cake.
-
A homeless woman’s cheek peels off and flaps in the breeze until her partner punches it back into place during the evening’s psychosis.
-
Dawn's gunt.
-
A built grandpa butters his teeth with french mustard and puts the old gas mask on as his TV shows the first missile sputtering up into the blood-red dawn skies.
Fucking told you so, he mentally gloats to his dead wife as he gets behind the sofa.
-
During church service, a child is enticed into a cloister by a disbarred member of clergy, "fifty Jesus pence if I can see your sinners wand".
-
Jim and his wife try to spice up their love life with some manure play - really bad watery donkey kong shit - inviting an impressive medley of intestinal parasites and infections into their home.
-
Ashok closes early, but returns to his shop the next morning to find the till contains 43p more
-
A 23 year old male pulls a wheelie on a mountain bike to impress
-
An irate man in a duffle coat scrapes his shin off climbing a birch tree to a champagne supernova in the sky.
-
There's not a dry eye in the house after a packed theater watches Dan Gant's 47 hour long masterpiece 'The Birth, Life, and Death of a Puddle on the Pavement in Front of My House'
-
A man develops an App that will automatically convert all his racist posts into jokes about asparagus.
-
An adventuretime Bluetooth speaker full of slugs
-
Clive's spirit animal turns out to be his detested brother in law's crippled and abused homunculus. On the plus side it can fart out the Welsh national anthem on demand.
-
Alan Yentob’s salary demands.
-
A veil of bereaved moths over a resting child's face.
-
Jim Davidson dips his shaven balls in a jar of Hoi Sin sauce and cajoles a labrador into licking them clean.
Again.
-
An elderly John Major happy-slaps an aide.
-
'Murder!' says Mr Blobby. 'Murder most foul!'
-
"Yah pop music, pop music," says a man leant against a Deal or no Deal fruity, wondering if he should play it.
-
"what i like to do is get a rat and f....."
Let me stop you right there.
-
A gruff cry of "WANK!" resonates through the rooms at the Tate Modern.
-
Timmy Mallet's Bus Station Sushi Birthday Extravaganza
Curfew - 6:15pm
-
Your girlfriend shags your best mate while you're the in shower wanking and crying.
-
Your girlfriend shags your best mate while you're the in shower wanking and crying.
+1
-
Your girlfriend shags your best mate while you're the in shower wanking and crying.
It’s the worst birthday ever so far.
-
Your girlfriend shags your best mate while you're the in shower wanking and crying.
YES!!!
-
The only place you could have caught that tetanus is from your rusty cock ring.
-
Killed by vintage crisp packet on windswept moorland.
-
The Collected Desolations Of Mark E Smith 2015-2017
Mark E Smith refuses to open the special delivery letter from the local oncology dept. He racks up a few lines of whizz and heads for the boozer. Its 11am.
Mark E Smith coughs up blood and black bits while fixing his morning line of whizz.
A scrote in a Klaxons tshirt barges past a stooped Mark E Smith at a bar in Salford. His life force waning, MES offers nothing in the way of a verbal beat down.
Mark E Smith admits defeat and adds the Level 3 Tena for Men to his online shopping basket.
Mark E Smith reads a favourable review of recent gig by Brix & The Extricated.
Mark E Smith mixes speed into his Fixodent.
A life long Fall fan watches recent footage of Mark E Smith live on stage.
Mark E Smith catches sight of himself in a pub toilet mirror. The speed and whisky ensures he does not see the truth.
Mark E Smith pours his breakfast Sweetheart Stout into a Tweety Pie mug.
Mark E Smith pisses himself seconds before going on stage at Glastonbury.
Mark E Smith comes to terms with the fact he isnt going to see 2018. The euphoria of acceptance sees him plunging £43 into a fruit machine.
Mark E Smith looks in the mirror and sees a cocky young man full of vigour and potential looking back. The lumps, deep wrinkles, the rheumy yellow eyes and toothless maw dont even register. He leans forward and snorts the rest of his morning whizz off said mirror.
Mark E Smith buys a tin of Happy Shopper Irish Stew for tea. Eats it cold from the can with a butter knife.
Xmas 2017, Mark E Smith pauses between mouthfuls of liquidised Xmas dinner and realises that it will be his last. At the exact same moment he also realises that he was an idiot to let Craig Scanlon and Steve Hanley leave The Fall. He knew it at the time, but was too much of a cunt to admit it. The tears begin to flow.
-
+ lots of karma
-
A lethargic cannibal sighs as he reaches for the last bollock in the fridge for his mid-morning fry up.
-
It's his.
-
A bard laments the loss of his lute to a group of brutes.
-
A deranged psychologist uses up an entire class of orphans to create three extra stages of grief.
-
A gangrel creature who when asked name, age, occupation goes "pphhhnnmmlleeerrgggghhh", wins Britain's Got Talent as a sympathy vote, but eventually bites Simon Cowell's finger off in efforts to recover The One Ring.
-
A gangrel creature who when asked name, age, occupation goes "pphhhnnmmlleeerrgggghhh", wins Britain's Got Talent as a sympathy vote, but eventually bites Simon Cowell's finger off in efforts to recover The One Ring.
Cowell reads this and steals the idea, it’s already pencilled in for next year.
-
Desensitised by years of excessive internet porn use, Richard, 28, can now only achieve an erection by pissing on to a woman's hairy armpit. He will never have sex with a human again.
-
Chris scores 37 down the MegaBowl. No one acknowledges the little moonwalk he did when he picked up his only spare.
Chris is dead now, from suicide.
-
A whey-faced neurasthenic gargles arsenic on a gantry.
-
Dad, you should have used the slow-cooker. Mum's ribs are far too tough.
-
She considers moths a delicacy.
-
Richard Littlejohn tries to suffocate a prostitute with a pillow in his hotel room. Unknown to him, the pillow is an AirFlo 3000, totally breathable. After a minute and a half the woman calmly says "What the hell are you doing?". Awkward.
-
Kelvin celebrates his 18th birthday by getting his first swastika tattoo.
-
Kevin celebrates his 16th birthday by getting his third swastika tattoo
-
Clive is extolling the merits of squirrels again. ‘They can turn on a sixpence,’ he says.
-
They sell halloumi fries in Aldi, apparently. Morrisons does beer battered halloumi 'fish' too. You could have fish and chips made entirely from halloumi.
-
Clive is extolling the merits of squirrels again. ‘They can turn on a sixpence,’ he says.
Well out of leftfield. Loved it.
-
A jar of pickled arseholes.
-
the corpse of Bruce Willis is dragged round an abandoned carpark for the reeboot of the Die Hard franchise
-
DAVE!
DAAAVE!
COME CHECK OUT THE UDDERS ON THIS CUNT!
bellows a mortician up a flight of stairs
-
Joseph Stiglitz clotheslines a gazelle
-
The banter at the Conservative Party HQ.
-
Analingus with Nicholas Witchell while he lists the achievements of minor royals
-
a man marries his loft conversion.
-
A stalwart pub regular receives his own plaque. Mind you, it always builds up after a few pints, causing godawful halitosis.
-
“Eddie Stobart drives shit lorries and fancies his own kids.”
Long Distance Clara goes down in flames on her last day at work.
-
A couple of Lowestoft paedofolk cut each other’s hair in the predawn light before embarking on a dirty rampage through Primark’s back-to-school section.
-
Analingus with Nicholas Witchell while he lists the achievements of minor royals
Not far off the story i have about Nick.
Passive-aggressively chiding your flaccid penis back into its dark crevice.
-
"Call that a dick?!", roars the vicar.
You vow to get your infant son an appointment at the cock surgeon first thing tomorrow.
-
Nigel's mid-life crisis begins with him realising his tits are now bigger than his wife's
-
Roger Deacon punches a gopher to spite Brian May. Closest thing to a badger at hand.
-
A quiet loner, whose neighbours only know to say "hello" to, scopes out a local beauty spot popular with dog walkers.
-
Peter from Aldridge slams two ounce of wild geese into the back of a dustbin.
-
Aslan from the Lion, Witch and Wardrobe, emaciated and zig-zagging in Batley’s new Indoor Safari centre
-
An "absolute fuckface" (not my words, the words of Croydon Council) writes a poison pen letter to an egg.
-
The direct descendant of Napoleon III is barred from Twitter for contravening site policy.
-
Dave's boss gives him the new project he will be heading up. "I want you to sell Lincolnshire as a global tourist destination"
-
Post-Brexit Britain. High streets across the land are empty shells. Martin finds shelter in a branch of Halifax, using a cardboard cut-out Top Cat for kindling and a Fozzie Bear puppet for gruel.
-
The direct descendant of Napoleon III is barred from Flaming Grill, Alwoodley for "dress code".
-
Adults and toddlers titter and sing as a man smashes ducklings with a hammer as part of Welcome to Lincolnshire Week
-
Adults and toddlers titter and sing as a man smashes ducklings with a hammer as part of Welcome to Lincolnshire Week
Beautiful.
-
A CaBer passes by Savile's grave
"Enjoy the last twitches of the kids, corpse"
-
Elsewhere in Welcome to Lincolnshire Week, a game of Pin the Crime on the Gypsy is well underway. Thanks to enthusiastic participation by locals, three 'furriners' are being held in the village pound in Heckington, accused of curdling milk, 'being taller than a calf' and 'egginess'. They await judgement from Clive, Heckington's chief goose and Brexit champion.
-
Just minutes after asking "who the fuck is Morrissey?" a woman's head falls off in Woolworths rifle department.
-
a non league referee doubles the time wasted by jogging 40 yards to wave a yellow card to a goalkeeper for dawdling over a goal kick. it's a league game. the two sides will finish 11th and 12th anyway. He wishes he could've spent his winter Saturdays getting into Mortal Kombat instead, his hazy thoughts of Kano taking names obscuring the view of some shirt pulling. It would've ended 1-1 either way.
-
Duncan falls over his own socks as he scrambles toward the toilet. Doesn't make it in time.
-
"I'd like to cum in your sock" is ratified as a bona fide chat-up line by the National Chat-up Line Congress.
-
Cum sock sharing app blamed for collapse of entire UK fishing industry.
-
Madeleine McCann fails to post the letter explaining everything because, yet again, she has no stamps in her purse.
-
Long Distance Clara goes down in flames on her last day at work.
Seventies proggers Yes criticised for attempts to "personify" their songs (other new versions including Mike of the Sunrise and The Revealing Science of Dave)
-
A bankrupt sommelier describes "mouthfeel" as being one of his qualities on a dating profile.
-
"Welcome to Watchet".
-
The rain, in Spain, falls mainly on Kevin.
-
A real life desolation story:
A hormonal lady (my mrs) passes by a Lloyds bank advertisement depicting a Down's syndrome lad next to some flamboyant stallions. Seeing it makes her tearful.
-
^ mrs seepage saw it as a sad horse next to some flamboyant lads, on the South Downs, and headbutted it
-
Three nuns agree to be made into a human centipede for Comic Relief.
-
Duncan falls over his own socks as he scrambles toward the toilet. Doesn't make it in time.
With the news of his wife giving birth to a healthy baby girl, Duncan cums hard in his PJ.
-
Three centipedes agree to be made into a human nun for Comic Relief.
-
A person wrote
The Gervais episode was spot on for me, despite my misgivings about Gervais's output. It was very nice to see the two particular flavours of misanthropy that Larry and Gervais expound clashing. At least it made a change from the arguably formulaic intra-judeo conflict which takes the form of ad nauseam repetition, cf. 'I know what you're doing. This is a chat-and-cut / this isn't a chat-and-cut / i'm the king of chat-and-cut I know a chat-and-cut.' ect ect
I also liked the moment of self-awareness, cf. [spoiler]Suzy: 'I have no choice [but to invite you]: it's like your some sort of appendage to us.'[/spoiler]. Brilliant punchline.
-
The devil wretches at humanities inhumanity.
-
NHS Sanctioned deliveroo heart transplant delivery service
-
Eric is studying the decomposition of three corpses:
1) Human male, 66
2) Human female, 61
3) Dog, 8
Shit, he strikes through Dog in his jotter and writes "Karl".
-
Pete Townsend logs onto the 'Net for the first time in ages surrounded by his close family and friends.
-
An edifice has to go to the bog
-
A overflowing piss bucket smells of doner meat.
-
Ted's only nourishment comes from encrusted surfaces.
-
After eating a wheelbarrow of ice cream, Steve Wright accidentally reads out a spousal death threat on Sunday Love Songs.
-
A hen has no means of roosting.
-
David Blunkett spends an afternoon trolling the Guardian’s comment section.
-
With the news of his wife giving birth to a healthy baby girl, Duncan cums hard in his on PJ.
I can confirm that this actually happened.
(no it didn't- I was there for the caesarian & saw the whole thing)
-
Adam (from U2) throws a wounded grass snake onto his bumper new Josper grill.
-
Well Doc, what's the prognosis? Give it to me straight.
"You dead, motherfucker"
-
A free school drops physics from it's curriculum in favour of Pure and Applied Rule 34.
-
Hew Edwards "bumrushes the show"
-
At Brian's funeral, the vicar describes him as "A cock-hungry cum whore" to the surprise of nobody, least of all his widow and children.
-
At the terrible denouement of his first date since Julie passed,
Trevor panics and tries to staunch a stab wound with Haagen Dazs
-
His eyes turn to glass and tumble out of his head smashing on the floor.
A measly morsel is proffered to a brain damaged pigeon who refuses even the slightest peck.
The meat just falls off the bone, until he is dead.
-
You ask that Unfinished Sympathy by Massive Attack is played at your funeral, as you think it is haunting, emotional but also a bit uplifting. The cover version by Tina Turner gets played instead.
-
It's your new prime minister - Pauline
-
Vince Cable's shuddering climax whilst watching black and white, out of focus pornography.
-
Three completely unconnected people write online reviews using the word 'hellscape', about Whitby putting green
-
A misspelling on a condolences card
Typical, a ghost thinks.
-
Sylvia's canned beasts in jars, labelled by Kingdom, Phylum, Order, Class...
-
Vice President Rod Petrie of the Scottish FA inadvertently discovers a new dogging site while en route to hide his brother's corpse
-
Vice President Rod Petrie of the Scottish FA inadvertently discovers a new dogging site in which to rent his brother's corpse
-
A homosexual hides down a sewer until Jim Davidson passes.
-
FERN BRITTON
-
No biscuits at all.
-
Alanis Morissette turns up in your privy to give you unsolicited tips on turds.
Cliff Richard’s arse now like a wizard’s sleeve says former assistant.
Gordon Buchanan fucks a two-toed sloth over the central reservation of the M42 and takes it to Hopwood services for a KFC.
-
a circuit comedian decides to definitely do a bit about Ironic by Alanis Morissette
-
"Gender bender" you get to hear from a bloke all night about "gender benders" lucky you eh finding out about "gender benders" perhaps you will meet a "gender bender", they ain't natural.
-
A tit-fiddling weirdo gropes a granny in a glen.
-
Stage school kiddies smiling and dancing anywhere
-
Alanis Morissette turns up to give unsolicited tips on turds.
Cliff Richard’s arse now like a wizard’s sleeve says former assistant.
Gordon Buchanan fucks a two-toed sloth over the central reservation of the M42 and takes it to Hopwood services for a KFC.
Almost D2D like headlines, there.
-
Alistair Campbell thinks to himself "fuck it" and necks a bottle of Lambrini. Ends up chucking baked potatoes round a local Harvester and bellowing about New Labour coming home once again. Paul Ross, trying to be supportive ends up intervening and gets his bottom pinched.
-
I somehow love the idea of a pissed up marauding Campbell and his failure catharsis, thank you
-
Robbie Savage joins the gig economy.
-
An old man is crushed by a falling walnut tree, grown from the walnut he planted as a boy. A knowing sqirrel laughs so hard it pisses itself.
-
Johnathan Ross smacks Paul Ross for “mispeaking” in public.
-
he sparks up Windsor Blue number fourteen of the day and fires up another worn video of Fun House for the evening's entertainment. he's not watching for the twins. or Pat Sharp.
-
She's leaving home.
Bye, bye.
You whore.
-
For the benefit of Mr Kite, Babestation will have braille tonight.
-
A clutch of nonces smash up your cooker with hammers and steal your Fray Bentos.
-
After 21 stange of Kölsch, Gerhard reverses his pickup truck into a freshly headless Turk.
"Hmph", he remarks later. "In the crusades no-one would have bat an eyelid."
-
Nick Clegg’s inevitable autobiography.
-
https://www.sott.net/article/395985-Italys-first-sex-doll-brothel-raided-by-police-and-forced-to-shut-down-after-just-9-days (https://www.sott.net/article/395985-Italys-first-sex-doll-brothel-raided-by-police-and-forced-to-shut-down-after-just-9-days)
DESOLATION
-
A static caravan writhing with Haribo sour mix.
-
An abandoned mobility scooter outside a campsite at Herons Mead.
-
Unbeknownst to him, George has been sold on Darknet. His ongoing campaign of one-upmanship with Melanie from Accounts has reached new levels of intensity.
-
Donald Trump orders a steak “well-done”
-
Tony Blair checks the bank account for his consulting firm, and laughs and laughs and laughs.
-
Tony Blair checks the bank account for his consulting firm, blankly thinks "not enough" and gets on the phone to Al-Qaida
-
A dinner lady develops tit rot.
-
David Attenborough gasses the moles that are fucking up his lawn.
-
^ sterling
-
Scat darts in the care home.
£47500 in the pot.
-
David Attenborough gasses the moles that are fucking up his lawn.
Read that as glasses. Imagining him on his hands and knees over a molehill with half a bottle of castelo diabolo in a bleeding hand, rain dripping off his nose, waiting
Come on you little fuckers, come to daddy
-
^ Really funny
-
Watching Countryfile in a stiflingly hot hospice room with the husk of the woman who used to beat you with a cricket bat as a child, and neither of you can find the remote control, and neither of you can find Jesus.
-
A bored shark-eyed toddler throws a boar's scapula through the windscreen of his dad's Nissan Rubicon, proudly hoisting his first erection.
-
Two moorhens having joyless sex on a hoard of defrosting oven chips.
-
UNH UHN.. Five guys... gotta have a Five Guys, UNGH... bnurgers… us want a FIVE GUYS... everyone, now, to Five Guys
-
On my local area Buy Sell Swap facebook page:
"Three year old son's birthday coming up soon..don't see him but best get something. Anybody got any toys/gifts. Cheap as possible.
Thanks."
-
Two moorhens having joyless sex on a hoard of defrosting oven chips.
Ha!
-
On one of his new alcohol-free days, Adrian Chiles achieves enough clarity to realise that with his looks and talent he'd never have been allowed to front a prime time TV show if he was a woman. Has a whisky to take the edge off that.
-
^ that tru-life one of icehaven's is grim
-
A concertina effect is redefined when Concert Tina barfs down a tuba.
-
Wanker heron wallows around a little old oil slick just so he can pretend to be the heron reaper when his nan comes round.
-
Derek watches his son cavorting dangerously close to some cliffs.
No. Don't intervene, he tells himself. The die is cast.
-
'But I'm not actually dead!'
'Bit late for all that now, mate. Next time, say something a bit sooner, yeah?'
-
A cloistered monk rage quits the monastery due to years of campanology abuse but kills himself upon finding out they don't show Dark Towers or Wordy in the mornings anymore in the outside world.
-
golf.
-
A flan made of smeg.
-
Theresa May: The Final
Days Weeks Months
-
The Guardian, May 2019.
"As Britain Leaves Europe with No Deal, We Say "Three Cheers for Theresa May - Britain's Greatest Post-War PM""
The Morning Star, May 2019.
"As Britain Leaves Europe with No Deal, We Say "Three Cheers for Theresa May - Britain's Greatest Post-War PM""
-
Mark shits himself on the drive home from work. The drive is nothing out of the ordinary. Traffic/weather conditions were clement. He just couldn't be bothered to pull in to somewhere to go and use a lavatory. The hell with these outmoded, Victorian values.
His Montego will never be the same, no matter how many alpine air fresheners are hung on the rear view mirror. Needs new chinos also.
-
You have a wank and the spunk coalesces into an amorphous, ectoplasmic entity called Ian who floats about behind you for the rest of your life. Wherever you go, Ian goes. In important situations like job interviews he'll chip in with "He spunked me out once, you know. Ignore him, he's a twat."
-
Owen Jones treads in dog shit. Brogues absolutely disowned now.
-
A 39 page desolation thread runs out of steam.
-
A 39-minute steamer runs out of Des O'Connor.
-
A 64 page desolation thread gathers more steam.
-
The hamster only runs on the wheel because it feels threatened and anxious. Grinning and hooting children fuel it's anxiety from outside the cage, big pudgy fingers getting pushed through bars.
-
Snorts a line of wotsit dust out of curiosity.
Not as good as skips dust.
-
A asteroid reduced to the size of a pea by earth's atmosphere pops through Keith's head just as he's about to have his first kiss.
-
Due to a logistics oversight Simon Slavegrover's frozen urine sculptures arrive at the Tate modern as a puddle of piss. They're left in a bucket in the Turbine Hall just in case.
-
a 97 page desolation thread starts being funny again, but it's diminishing returns
-
Ruth wonders if she can grout her hand to the wall. The answer comes back: A resounding Yes.
-
A Jehovah's Witness shift supervisor tells a young devotee to "push her tits up a bit" when handing out leaflets on the street.
-
BlodwynPig writes the ultimate desolation post. It is the last ever, since whoever reads it is compelled to suicide.
-
It turns out the desolation threads were all just a plan by the deep state so we're all too jaded to care or even notice when they make life 110% more shit for everyone.
-
It turns out BlodywinPig was all just a plan by the deep state so we're all too jaded to care or even notice when they make life 110% more shit for everyone.
-
Egg-white omelette made of cum
-
Junior Simpson launches an "it's a deep state plot" rumour in an attempt to cover for how he's harvesting other people's work to use for material
-
An agouti decided to crack open your nuts.
-
'Tis the Second Coming. Jesus materialises in a provincial shopping centre and is immediately mocked for his "poof sandals".
-
Russell Grant tearfully tries to end it all by overdosing on Smarties washed down with a 2l bottle of R Whites.
-
Russell Grant tearfully tries to end it all by overdosing on Smarties washed down with a 2l bottle of R Whites.
Laughing to myself on the bog at work. Look mental now.
-
One year on from his life-saving liver transplant, Peter is awoken by a noise in the bedroom. Turning on the bedside lamp he sees a woman with a young boy and girl.
"We're here to visit my late husband's liver." says the woman, while laying out a set of butcher's knives.
-
a schoolsworth of kids gets the morning off to watch an impromptu gig by Aqua Velvas
-
My Dad Wrote a Porno to lead brexit negotiations
-
A "git" descends...
-
Meet the Connolly family with their dog Petey. By day he's the family pet, by night he's the local sheep worrying champion.
-
Ronald, longtime resident of Hove dementia ward, spits a torrent of racial abuse at the nice West Indian nurse.
Doesn't really have dementia, just likes an excuse.
-
a doorstep domestic argument crescendoes with "AT LEAST I'M NOT DAVID BADDIEL"
-
Sausage, rape, and chips please.
-
Sausage, rape, and chips please.
You'll have to wait for the chips.
-
Sebastian Cobb used to work with an ex-Longbridge worker who was offered cheap seconds from Cadbury as someone's wife worked there or something. He gave them a tenner thinking he'd get some slabs of fruit and nut on the cheap just in time for Christmas. He got a bin bag full of unwrapped chocolate and had to lug it home on the bus.
-
^haha
-
A long term unemployed man treads dogshit into the office of the first dead cert job interview he's had in years.
-
Slop, sliding down the walls of your ailing farm. You’d like to address it but your tongue is too dry for summoning. All winter long you’ve sat, counting the creaks in your broken chair and ruing the coming day, and now your knees are obviated, never to work again to your satisfaction, not like they were in your prime - when you could kneel in knotweed and inhale the dawn, ingest the sun itself before breathing it back onto all you saw, like the maiden in the lane whose hair trapped the beams and held them there for your delight, until you would arrange her among the hay and sing kisses over her form that would match the stars’ burning. Your knees are gone and so is she - she took the barn with her and its light and all you’re left with is husks. You’re just as strewn, though your pallor not as gold.
Oh dear, seems you’ve shat yourself an’ all.
-
Acorn Stairlifts - Regain the freedom of your home
DBeasyB - The perfect fit for wider feet
Dolphin Bathing - Bathe in luxury, comfort and safety once again!
Psychic Sofa - the best psychics and mediums in the uk, 80p per minute
Gay chat - 13p per minute
Listen to Lucy - 35p per minute
George closes the TV mag and logs into his bank account
-
A teacher spends her summer holidays as a "pissmop" for a depraved haulier.
-
A well to do operations manager has a "carnal experience" with a fax machine. HR give him a pass.
-
When she promised him "all of my tomorrows" on their wedding day, she didn't mean it. She had no intention of giving him her yesterdays either.
-
A lad’s week in Marbella goes exactly as expected.
-
An all-night brainstorm in the creative team at Walker's results in one idea:
Jizz and Onion flavour.
-
A lad’s week in Marbella goes exactly as expected.
An errant apostrophe inadvertently describes an even more desolate weekend than intended.
-
An errant apostrophe inadvertently describes an even more desolate weekend than intended.
I meant it as the singular (with a nod to the plural), though it is desolate either way.
-
Fifteen pounds of tract sails downstream, making sure to interfere permanently with 58 ecosystems.
-
A spunking cock scrawled on a child's coffin.
-
A man stinks of cum in a religious setting.
-
A beloved gerbil, buried in a crisp packet.
-
Many pallet loads of J.k Rowlings new book ‘Harry Potter and the Sophie’s Choice’ wait, in a shunting yard, for special treatment this Christmas.
-
A beloved gerbil, buried in a crisp packet.
The best burial of his entire family, otherwise gassed and cremated by David Attenborough after a 'fucking brutal tbh' night out.
-
Snorting coffeemate in the work toilets to make the day end faster
-
A man is gutted to discover a document wherein he is described as 'a danger to himself and no one else'
-
Jimmy Nail and the Bad Seeds cancel half the tour dates on their 2020 tour after reading a review that describes them as 'defiling a stillwarm grave'
-
A financial advisor has an indifferent Greggs
-
A financial advisor has a superb Greggs
-
A financial advisor has a “life changing” Greggs
-
A man upgrades his Elite Fleshlight Membership to 'Black' status. An extra $5.99 a month, but hey, he thinks. It's my cock. I work hard.
-
A financial advisor has a Spud-u-Like before asking for some overtime to cover for a Ladbrokes relapse
-
A financial advisor has a Spud-u-Like before asking for some overtime to cover for a Ladbrokes relapse
Overtime DENIED.
-
After 2 months at the dildo factory, the manufacture of the “adult” products no longer draw any mirth. Row after row of aubergine rubber phalluses drift past his nose, along the conveyor belt and on to the packaging warehouse. Not a hint of a smile.
-
The foremost cancer research fellow decides the coin he rakes on slutcam with his horse cock dildo is worth "sacking that shit off frankly".
-
Robbie Williams writes an opera.
-
A girlfriend tries to splain that the wording of paedophile has "societally changed"
-
Alan buys a tube of KY and a butternut squash in Tesco. Cums in his pants before he reaches the till.
-
A man discovers a copy of The News of the World from 2004 in the attic. His attention is drawn inexplicably to a photo of Prince Charles and Camilla, and he is suddenly overcome by a strange urge which disturbs yet thrills him. There'll be more than mildew on that paper by day's end.
-
David Hokney gets an eye test for the first time in twenty years
The look on his face as he scrolls down his own website, seeing it for the first time in bottlethick specs is like an iceberg turning round
-
A youtube commenter calls Alistair Campbell "Legend"
-
Shit parents allow their child to run amok in a pharmacy.
-
Monkman and Seagull’s Genius Guide to Britain Series 2, and Eric sobs as he riffles through his own sick in a Wigan car park.
-
Monkman and Seagull’s Genius Guide to Britain Series 2, and Eric sobs as he riffles through his own sick in a Wigan car park.
stop right there, frankly.
-
A completely serious personal message on a message board contains the phrase
You've bought shame on the entire Nissan community
-
A completely serious personal message on a message board contains the phrase
You've bought shame on the entire Nissan community
laughed
-
laughed
And me
-
A youtube commenter calls Alistair Campbell "Legend"
Legend Ali!
-
And me
The missing r taints it, seriously ;)
-
First dance: Three Lions '98
-
A veteran paedophile develops the ability to sublime from solid to gas, for the sole purposes of wafting seamlessly in and out of little boys arses.
-
A cretin imagines a slightly more miserable world.
I dunno. Greece is quite miserable at the moment.
-
A very desirable herpes catchment area.
-
Seven grand-nonces inhale lemon pledge in a chalet at Sandilands before heading out to so some beachfront fiddling.
-
A half-melted snowman that looks exactly like Dean Gaffney.
-
A daddy longlegs imprisoned in a tesseract of dump.
-
Man invents time travel
Goes early 90s to try 'pot noodles before they took all the shit out'
Ah they're exactly the fuckin same
Machine in bin
Doesn't even bother travel back
Just murders present self on landfill
Perfect crime innit?
Just tell everyone you got chrons disease, look so rough
-
Real life one:
You're one of the first people to follow the Twitter page of a James Joyce conference you're going to. You look at the other followers and find one of them is Paul Ross (as in cottaging brother of Jonathan). Actually, that's not desolate at all, it's fucking brilliant!
-
Katherine cancels her mistake.
Her mistake was 11 and looking "fnery fnuch fnorward" to his fnirst day at big school.
-
An elderly couple reminisce about the time they nearly went skinny dipping at Lyme Regis
-
Mum accidentally shits herself during sex-tape filming.
Dad adds it to the blooper reel.
-
Mum accidentally shits herself during sex-tape filming.
Dad adds it to the blooper reel.
Great minds, just popped in to add some self-shitting desolation. I'll have to put it on ice for a few days now.
-
Man invents time travel.... got chrons disease, look so rough
nicely done, that.
-
I don't know how to tell you this kid, but me and your mum are
Fisting like fuck.
-
Leeds city centre becomes unaffordable for millennials.
-
Basement Jaxx / Bohren & Der Club Of Gore mash-up with a sample of Huw Edwards saying "buckets of cunts" over the top of it.
-
Basement Jaxx / Bohren & Der Club Of Gore mash-up with a sample of Huw Edwards saying "buckets of cunts" over the top of it.
What does that even mean?
-
What does that even mean?
5 page write up in the Observer pull out section.
-
Bob Mortimer stands as UKIP candidate for Stoke.
-
After several months digging for coal in a Siberian gulag, a member of a comedy forum returns to the UK and excitedly logs back into the site.
Just the one thread update
"farting like fuck"
-
David Attenborough loses his rag and stamps a rare owl to bits.
-
David Attenborough loses his rag and stamps a rare owl to bits.
Cf. Last desolation thread
-
Please answer the following survey questions to finish reading this article
Answer a survey question to continue reading this content
Question 1 of 7 or fewer:
Are you considering, or have you considered, enrolling in an online higher education program within the next year?
...ah fooook it.
-
Having got exactly what he asked for, a man drinks gin and cries into his pillow at 4 AM as six thousand miles away, a little boy slowly forgets his dad’s face.
-
Having got exactly what he asked for, a man drinks gin and cries into his pillow at 4 AM as six thousand miles away, a little boy slowly forgets his dad’s face.
Loved it and laughed really hard lol
:D
-
A valentines card that says “me rike you a rot”.
Warm sushi on a bed of pork floss.
A baked bean imbecile.
Artisanal hand-pulled AIDS misery.
Flowers on a tiny grave, hand written card “me riked you a rot”.
-
The Bumper Book of Darts Jokes
-
The Bumper Book of Darts Jokes is mocked by a member of a Tube Driver Memes Facebook page.
-
Rail replacement bus
-
Stuvenine Perequinianiard asks a 'gutter slag' to 'remember him. I know everyone says that, but do it, just for me'
-
Bus replacement wheelchair
-
A reggae nut squeezes past a young dunce in the queue for a log flume.
-
Brett Kavanaugh, Rick Santorum, and Chris Christie have a very expensive dinner. More champagne!
They laugh, and laugh, and laugh.
-
Jack spends Tuesdays doing impressions of his fridge.
-
Gary Belming gets an autumn wasp up his helm
-
The Droitwich Nightstalker gets a bluebottle in the house and it won't leave.
-
Three middle class teenagers eagerly discuss their evening's plans: "There's a Green Street 2! Got to watch that"
-
Gordon from the Greater Manchester area fries an egg then lets it go cold and feeds it to his gerbil Nathan.
-
A have-a-go-hero is denied personal injury insurance.
-
Christmas dinner entirely from the microwave.
-
Craig Charles sits down to write the Great Liverpudlian Novel.
-
The people of Doncaster needed a hero, a beacon. Meet Barry.
-
Christmas dinner entirely from the microwave. Like every Christmas.
real-life desolation
-
A transatlantic flight with only Craig David's 7 days downloaded on your phone.
-
Savage Garden admit to egregious use of adjectives and are quite rightly sentenced to death.
-
Terry's proposal that will "fix all vaginismus for good" is rejected almost immediately.
-
Savage Garden admit to egregious use of adjectives and are quite rightly sentenced to death.
(https://i.pinimg.com/736x/e8/6c/1c/e86c1c490e9cfb92a8565bba0488dfb6.jpg)
-
(https://pbs.twimg.com/media/DoiRZpfX4AAqbM9.jpg)
-
"I Wub Boris Johnson" becomes an election winning Party Political Slogan for the Tories.
-
Actual desolation, courtesy of the BBC website today:
(https://ichef.bbci.co.uk/news/976/cpsprodpb/FC69/production/_103671646_biu_277.jpg)
"A Soviet-era sanatorium, designed by Kalashniko, with a stray dog and rubbish, in Tskaltubo, Georgia"
-
Geoff from Sheffield feeds Hula Hoops to a dolphin before throwing it through a hedge.
-
Geoff from Sheffield gets a tattoo in Old English script - “GEOFFIELD”
-
A necrophile takes a gentrophile to the small claims court over the ownership of a prying bar.
-
Geoff from Sheffield sets up his own wordpress blog called Geoffield
-
Dalepak Chateaubriand
-
Charlie does "the Theresa May dance" at his son's 18th birthday "bash".
-
Geoff from Sheffield is bullied relentlessly by Legend Gary, again. Pubes Daz observes dispassionately.
Hours pass, and the night blooms over Sharrow Vale.
-
Big Mick raises his arms in jubilant anticipation of a cracking, pub-stopping fart, managing to forget about the diarrhoea situation
-
A fella from Kegworth puts his fiance in a barrow filled with mustard. The media doesn't bat an eyelid. Once again, it's one rule for ordinary pleb woman being placed in barrows of condiment and quite another for big rich celebrities being pestered by sex monsters.
-
A binbag full of sick gets its own TV show.
-
Geoff from Sheffield gets a tattoo in Old English script - “GEOFFIELD”
Lol
-
A man sits in his office cubicle and changes his desktop background to a beautiful, exotic vista.
-
One large and one much smaller set of footprints track across a muddy forest floor and come to an end by the side of a river.
-
He's the Lord of All He Surveys!
What he surveys is a very niche and possibly illegal fetish forum in the nether regions of the dark web. 3 Members and counting.
-
Geoff from Sheffield gets a tattoo in Old English script - “GEOFFIELD”
Sued by a dodgy Nigerian security firm a few weeks later
http://www.geoffield.com (http://www.geoffield.com)
-
A Daniel Powter CD gets sold, for a profit.
-
*bought for £10
-
Your Grandma rips the absolute living shit out of you.
-
Pure white trackies, fresh out of the coffin
-
By 12am he was 6 wanks deep.
-
A chipolata decides to end it all.
-
Kevin wakes up super-excited "down at Fraggle Rock, down at Fraggle Rock" he sings manically in anticipation of rushing downstairs in his muppet PJs to watch the latest episode.
Unfortunately, the year is 2032 and he has just gained consciousness after 48 years in a coma.
-
“Hi this is H from Steps; how may I direct your call?”
-
“Hi this is H from Steps; how may I direct your call?”
Ian Watkins is fired from the phone chat line for:
(a) Mistaken identity with the Ian Watkins
(b) Unhappy punters complaining
(c) Not taking his turn to make the tea and demanding his is stirred in "a clockwise direction".
-
Terry embarks on a sponsored slim for the British Heart Foundation but around the same time discovers Chili Heatwave Doritos and ends up owing them £57.09
-
The Busby graves
-
Using a your dead nans doner card to wrack up a fat line of coke.
-
Using a your dead nans doner card to wrack up a fat line of coke.
It's what she would have wanted.
-
A version of the mile high club that’s Savile inspired.
-
Ustad Salamat Ali Khan pisses on a chicken burger.
-
Connor, 14 finds out he was conceived to James Blunt's debut album Back To Bedlam.
-
Connor, 14 finds out he was conceived to James Blunt's debut album Back To Bedlam.
and Blunt is his father.
-
Connor, 14 finds out he was conceived to James Blunt's debut album Back To Bedlam.
He also finds out that he could have been conceived after an aborted attempt at anal sex whilst listening to Keane's Hopes and Fears but the time of month wasn't right.
-
Gollum cosplayer
-
Gollum cosplayer
At least thats what he tells people when they point and laugh.
-
A three year old superciliously sneers at the graphics on Gran Turismo
-
Smegma residue on battered 80s Lada of a fleshlight collected and used as balm to moisturise the sores on little palsied bums.
-
A man with the deed poll surname Hades chokewanks with a SCART lead.
-
Dana Carvey starts a crowd funding page for a remake of Wayne's World, but titled Garth's World with Garth as the lead character.
-
Leaving the house for any reason whatsoever evokes nostalgia and panic in equal doses.
-
You have a recurring sleep paralysis experience where Steve Bannon creeps in to your bedroom and you are frozen and unable to intervene, only watch as he has loud, passionate sex with your partner, right next to you. After which he wipes his cock on you and leaves.
-
Jedward are given OBE's
-
A man with the deed poll surname Hades chokewanks with a midi lead.
-
Hounslow Harry slams a haddock and an osprey together in a fit of gumption.
-
Geoff from Sheffield gets a tattoo in Old English script - “GEOFFIELD”
Mo from Leicester also gets a tattoo.
-
A day trip to the motorway services is cancelled again thanks to that peanut allergy BASTARD.
-
A poetry contest in Leamington Spa is won by a pickled harridan who deploys rhyming couplets to satirise political correctness and how it has gone mad.
-
It's 1890, the age of steam, and Edward rapes a cat in a back alley.
-
Sauron the deceiver invents a fifa character called Total Paki
-
In Discontinued Bathroom Items Monthly, read this week of the acrimony and diva drama between Stelrad and Doulton
"It's over, you fucking anus. Lick my shit. I am done with you, period. Die today."
-
An audacious nonce finds temporary work as an exam invigilator and edges his way through several Year 6 SATs.
-
A IRA themed cosplay party featuring a band called the Dropkick Murphys continues unhindered on a Chicago rooftop, a gaggle of trustafarians mask their shameful German ancestory with Celtic tattoos and a feigned interest In whiskey and dark beers
-
A IRA themed cosplay party featuring a band called the Dropkick Murphys continues unhindered on a Chicago rooftop, a gaggle of trustafarians mask their shameful German ancestory with Celtic tattoos and a feigned interest In whiskey and dark beers
There are bagpipes
-
A man with the deed poll surname Hades chokewanks with a SCART lead.
Hoi!
-
The incident took place in Pulse nightclub in Airdrie
-
Richard Osman has a smug, crafty wank after refusing to buy from a Big Issue seller.
-
In a lengthy disturbing dream, Richard Osman is all the pointless answers.
-
Leap Year Dad spams his estranged daughter's Instagram account with the lyrics to Puddle of Mudd's "She Hates Me".
-
A germ considers her life choices whilst drinking Horlicks.
-
The only bodily fluid not evident on this slobs mattress is ectoplasm
-
A brave man bursts on demand to a shrieking crowd on his first day of school.
-
A silly sausage takes a tumble down a grassy bank and has to spend the rest of the day with a muddy bum.
-
Mike receives the bill for his unattended webinar.
-
A south Wales town is awarded the chernobyl prize for most fucked haunted looking place in the UK by a well meaning urbex forum
-
A slapped child's face wins the Watford Camera Club's best picture category for its depiction of colour and the clever way in which the photographer managed to capture sunlight reflecting in a stream of tears.
-
Albie’s started shitting himself in Lidl again.
Sue finds out her dog can’t fucking stand her.
-
Pckled egg consumption x 4
The farts ravage Swanage
-
Biologists find a new species of whelk growing in the carcass hull of an unwon Bullseye speedboat at a Swanage landfill.
-
Paul Ross cuts the ribbon at a Swanaga gala
Wasn't invited to but was on hand anyway
-
Holly Willoughby is summarily fired from This Morning after using "racial and homosexual epithets" to describe Paul Ross' appearance at a "Swanaga" gala.
-
A real life one here
Your dad’s enthusiastic afternoon mapping your family tree leads to your 3rd cousin who is the assistant branch manager at the Brownhills branch of Debenhams.
The decision is made not to make contact.
-
An unsanitary pisschrist accidentally prints 860 Bibles
-
The West Heath Worzel Gummidge fan club decide to pack it in. There'll be a ceremonial burning of the mostly chipped and badly stained Aunt Sally on the 18th.
-
A bored wankbeast decides to fuck a Sarah Lee sponge cake and whatever else is kicking round the supermarket freezer.
-
An administrative assistant rags a near empty toner cartridge to fuck
-
An administrative assistant rags a near empty toner cartridge to fuck
Laughed
-
After a couple of weeks the body starts to drip through the cracks in the floorboards, the disembodied consciousness of it's previous inhabitant thinks "bloody nora! whatmy gonna do now like?"
Before the nth dimensional entities catch up on their backlog and the spirit is swiftly reincarnated into a twat.
-
Diamond stuff buntwhistle
A man born in Pil, South Wales, through some incredible mental contortions somehow comes to the decision that he is part of the master race
-
A rat-infested copse is methodically filled with third-hand pus
Pus-filled ratty copse
-
Pus-filled ratty copse
[tag]I'm seeing them at infest![/tag]
-
A funeral catered by Greggs.
-
A deputy Superdrug manager realises through a weak lager haze that he no longer recognises the shape of his daughter's face in the blown up family photograph above the mantelpiece.
-
A gulottel gasp of anguish comes from Montgomery. He has to face another day...
-
A soggy jigsaw of Melinda Messenger with the nipple pieces missing adorns a cunted coffee table in a locust-infested Sue Ryder canker sore.
-
A fat-bollocked jaded magician angrily puts a hat inside a rabbit.
-
Pic stolen from the Brighton subreddit
(https://i.imgur.com/VtB1SPL.jpg?1)
-
A static generator startles an ailing Les Dennis
-
An SD Card full of wrong porn is forced up a crevice.
-
Charlie calls time on the last ever meeting of the Blue Peter Garden Vandals Association.
-
Real life deso moment:
The sneer you receive from an old, fat rip-off merchant cunt in a high street franchise MOT centre as he tells you it will cost well over £200 to replace a whole front wishbone for your car, because it is against "company policy" to just replace the small boot on a ball joint that is detachable from said wishbone in order for it to pass the MOT.
For the record, I didn't go full deso and cave in to it. Went somewhere else out of principle -and spite.
-
Pam from Guam slams a pram full of Spam
-
A taxi driver leaves work and then misses the bus.
-
Westlife get the band back together.
-
These bleach injections are almost as good as the heroin we can no longer afford.
-
A man pays £60 and waits in line for 3 hours for the chance to boo Morrissey in person
-
Last night I dreamt I wanked to Madeley again.
-
Richard Madeley masters the art of astral travel. He spends his nights invading strangers dreams and wanking them off "against" their will.
-
You realise that meditation actually allows you direct experience of the almighty creator, you discover Richard Madeley is the second coming of Christ and exemplifies the divine in man.
-
(정우석)Wooseoks Necklace
@WooseoksNeklace
Todays mood is me sitting in bed in my pikachu onesie rewatching pentagon maker while listening to every single one of pentagons ballads and sobbing so much that I cant move a muscle at the end of the day#CubeIsOverParty
-
A horse attempts to ride a dog. This results in a cement mixer getting knocked into the path of a wayward tramp, who accidently rams his cider up a nearby pedestrian's nosepipes.
-
A 40 foot deep anal fissure in Sedgemoor claims another life.
-
A lego Monastery is spitefully dismantled by a FUMING future ex dad
-
Ched scours Character Map in an earnest attempt to invent a fresh racist emoticon.
-
A swiss man rues the use of autocorrect after being banged up for 3 years for accidentally browsing a niche and illegal website called "kids love chocolate fondle"
-
A dwarf husband flexes his wan bicep at a trout fisherman who is ogling his trophy wife.
-
Beautiful
-
Beautiful
... by James Blumt re-enters the chart at #3
-
A silly bugger bursts at the funeral of Robert Mugabe, his daily intake of Sunny D sticks to all the mourners.
-
Your suicide seems a bit too easy.
-
“Some assembly requires” makes you look like a total mug.
-
Your mum shacks up with Daniel Bedingfield.
-
You arrive at the offy 90 seconds before they close, and the staff just look at you.
-
You explain that the beers are actually for your alcoholic father, not you.
-
Astrally projecting yourself into a Little Chef
-
Seance in a Blue Boar.
-
Getting beaten up in your dreams, then waking up in hospital
-
A visit to Sheerness on Sea is the highlight of your
week month year life.
Oh. Sorry. Should have posted this in the Euphoria thread. What am I like?
-
A flaming crystalline angel appears to you in your dreams, the beauty is overwhelming, a vision of divinity aflame with the creators love, love for you. It begins to speak, it has the voice of David Beckham.
-
https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Pizza_Man_(2011_film)
-
Extra school reunion name stickers are made "for all the missing ones".
-
As he succumbs to the final stages of his fatal heart attack, Derek wishes he had the ability to close the browser window for www.beastedtwinks.com he'd been wanking off to just now. Nothing to be done about being found dressed in his wife's underwear though.
-
Salamander as a pizza topping
-
As he succumbs to the final stages of his fatal heart attack, Derek wishes he had the ability to close the browser window for www.beastedtwinks.com he'd been wanking off to just now. Nothing to be done about being found dressed in his wife's underwear though.
He died doing the thing he loved most. Lawrence died by slipping over in dog shit and splitting his swede clean open in Skegness. A scally took his shoes even!
-
A beautiful, fleeting wonder of nature is fucked off for spoiling the atmos.
-
True life deso: Having to sit through the entirety of Bad Times At El Royale.
-
Boasting about the ease with which you brained a chimp
-
I wasn't allowed a drink in the Labour club because I'm on Universal Credit
(from my Slight Pun-Based Exaggerations of Reality Series)
-
Neil is banned from another furry convention over a four grand suit for which he says the species is "Jew"
-
All those returned crisp packets are making dark Web drug addicts have to wait. Cheers, Walkers
-
You feel good that you stopped that lad getting deported. Seemed so nice. Oh wait, NO! He's a rapist?! So...torn. Turning...right wing...
-
Harold won't stop going on about the fact he discovered he is a direct descendent of Horatio Nelson, so some lads throw a brick at his head, and he shuts up so much that he dies.
-
A ranting harridan has cigarette smoke blown in her face by a 9 year old.
-
A brigand declares Mary of Beverley parish to be "full of fucking shit"
-
A child with genius level potential at music grows up to be an Instagram influencer for fashion
-
The toxic vines creeping up the spine of an abandoned orphanage achieve a 3% up-growth over the last quarter, against all trends.
-
Fields fall fallow, fellows forced to forage for food. Rat meat and bramble root broth for tea. YUM.
-
Andy won't be holding with any of that namby pamby oven rubbish, as he tucks into a slimy pink chicken drumstick cooked with real ale farts and a lighter.
-
Andy won't be holding with any of that namby pamby oven rubbish, as he tucks into a slimy pink chicken drumstick cooked with real ale farts and a lighter.
I laughed. A grisly image.
-
A dirtbag ponders a frot.
-
The toxic vines creeping up the spine of an abandoned orphanage achieve a 3% up-growth over the last quarter, against all trends.
A man is appalled to discover he has a monstrous alter ego that stays up all night shit-posting in the Desolation thread. Out, you devil.
-
A bodybuilder dying of multiple organ failure tries in vain to lift his phone up to call an ambulance... Just one more lift, you've GOT this
-
^ lovely
-
I laughed
-
A Welsh traffic warden unthinkingly spits on someone's car. Fucking hell.
-
The tapeworm inside you requests a transfer: "Host unsatisfactory".
-
A bodybuilder dying of multiple organ failure tries in vain to lift his phone up to call an ambulance... Just one more lift, you've GOT this
The tapeworm inside you requests a transfer: "Host unsatisfactory".
I really liked both of these.
-
A Scout master rolls a condom over a TV remote
-
A Scout master rolls a condom over a TV remote
*shudders* Good work.
-
Ian Davies has had enough. Enough of being boring old Ian Davies, living his dull life with his dull name. It's time for change, for excitement, for rebirth. A new daring chapter in life. Trembling with anticipation and not a little anxiety, some sweat breaking out on his top lip, he enters the solicitor's office clutching the deed poll forms. This is it, he thinks. No turning back now. It's time for change, for decisive action. Ian Davies disappears into the room, and out comes - Ian Targaryen!
-
*Waves crash onto an empty beach*
*mournful*
Kumbayah my Lord, Kumbayah
Kumbayah my Lord, Kumbayah
Kumbayah my Lord, Kumbayah
Ohhhh Lord, Kumbayah
Kumbayah my Lord, Kumbayah
Kumbayah my Lord, Kumbayah
Kumbayah my Lord, Kumbayah
Ohhhh Lord, Kumbayah
Kumbayah my Lord, Kumbayah
Kumbayah my Lord, Kumbayah
Kumbayah my Lord, Kumbayah
Ohhhh Lord, Kumbayah
*The sun sets*
Kumbayah my Lord, Kumbayah
Kumbayah my Lord, Kumbayah
Kumbayah my Lord, Kumbayah
Ohhhh Lord, Kumbayah
Kumbayah my Lord, Kumbayah
Kumbayah my Lord, Kumbayah
Kumbayah my Lord, Kumbayah
Ohhhh Lord, Kumbayah
*The moon wanes*
Kumbayah my Lord, Kumbayah
Kumbayah my Lord, Kumbayah
Kumbayah my Lord, Kumbayah
Ohhhh Lord, Kumbayah
Kumbayah my Lord, Kumbayah
Kumbayah my Lord, Kumbayah
Kumbayah my Lord, Kumbayah
Ohhhh Lord, Kumbayah
*The Earth is Silent*
-
June Sarpong presents her new TV show into a mirror with a hairbrush for a microphone.
-
Peter Such contemplates auto-rape whilst glossing a skirting board.
-
A real life one from the other day.
A student on the bus going through the contact list on his phone in a desperate attempt to find someone, anyone, to meet up with him.
Highlights included:
Wanting to watch someone get a tattoo.
Asking if someone minded if he tagged along as they met up with their girlfriend.
Morosely sulking at being told they were off to visit their parents.
After a few more assorted "I'm washing my hair" type brush-offs, he found someone who was currently between "Got other stuff on sorry." type stuff and insisted that it wasn't an inconvenience for him to meet up with them. "No, honest, I can get off the bus!" Which he did, four stops out into the suburbs and was last seen running back towards the city centre.
-
Real Life Deso..
Opening the recying bin for the flats where I am only to find an amazon box with 'YOU C*NT' and a couple of cock n' balls drawn on it.
The desolation part is the time I spent thinking up a backstory for this box. A-and if this was a message ment for me.
-
A pithy factoid is summarily cunted through what remains of a face.
-
My earliest TV memories include the Shelia Grant rape scene on Brookside, and footage of an African man on fire on the BBC News.
I spent the evening of my 16th Birthday alone, watching repeats of ‘The Sweeney’ on Channel 5. Seven years and three months later, I finally lose my virginity.
Both 100% true.
-
A real life one from the other day.
A student on the bus going through the contact list on his phone in a desperate attempt to find someone, anyone, to meet up with him.
Highlights included:
Wanting to watch someone get a tattoo.
Asking if someone minded if he tagged along as they met up with their girlfriend.
Morosely sulking at being told they were off to visit their parents.
After a few more assorted "I'm washing my hair" type brush-offs, he found someone who was currently between "Got other stuff on sorry." type stuff and insisted that it wasn't an inconvenience for him to meet up with them. "No, honest, I can get off the bus!" Which he did, four stops out into the suburbs and was last seen running back towards the city centre.
OOOOF! The memories this post has brought back.
-
learned the clocks go back tonight and felt glee at the very prospect returning the new kitchen timepiece from Poundland for a refund to spend on food
-
Irl deso. Bloke at the bus stop stood catatonic with an unlit fag in his gob dressed in a smart shir, trousers and shoes but has clearly been out all night's mate arrives and asks how have you not been home and tells him to come back to his for a wash as he does up the top couple of buttons on his shirt.
-
Snackrite
-
Fuck it its friday, got to have something to look forward to
he thinks, stirring coffemate into his potnoodle
-
Fuck it its friday, got to have something to look forward to
he thinks, stirring coffemate into his potnoodle
Warming up nicely for the compo.
-
loving the shifty pre match tension that has descended here, terry
-
Your nan googles “frotting”
-
PlanktonSideburns' Nan stumbles across a PornHub video of her grandson partaking in vigorous frottage that he has failed to get removed from the site.
She shares on Twitter.
-
LEAVE MY NAN OUT OF THIS PIG, SHES A SAINT!
-
LEAVE MY NAN OUT OF THIS PIG, SHES A SAINT!
Unlike her "angelic" grandson and his "toyboy with the saggy ballsack". (her words, not mine).
-
Saturday night party with Heart FM
We've got
Rog on Formula One
Frank on Haiwaiian shirt
Colette in bed
Mandy on Tesco diet coke
Andy on timeshares
Janice on gypsies
Ian on staring vacantly at Rog's bollocks
Girl I didnt know you could get down like that, Charlie how your angels get down like that
-
Your nan googles “frotting”
Dear Google what does frotting mean. Thanks, Maureen. X
-
Clive always cleans his car on a Sunday. Licks it clean.
-
Ted Hankey has an MRI on his balls
-
No more Hankey panky.
-
A human toby jug cums cheesy coleslaw during a Das Boot marathon
-
It's not even the authentic German classic but a 1989 straight-to-video Estonian ripoff called "Des Boat".
-
True life deso from work this week:
A team manager with the patience of a saint dies a little inside after being made to write a region wide email asking after the whereabouts of an imbecile's mislaid Aldi sweetener tablets.
-
A shuffle of feet across a piss stained pub floor when Glenn puts The Light House Family's Ocean Drive on the jukebox.
-
A battered fanny haddock shovels ice cream into her face-grave in front of a vhs compilation of ex-TV AM presenter Mike Morris's sexiest moustache fiddles.
-
Clive "Kyng Ov Krypt Maggotz" Wilkins spills sweetcorn soup on his grimoire of black metal tits.
-
At a Macmillan coffee morning, Dale’s new Thai wife breaks down about “all the bumming”.
-
"There goes another hedgehog!"
"It's Martin down the road. He's run out of golf balls."
-
Christ there's a lot of him, isn't there?
Hears locked in syndrome man on mortuary slab
-
A slightly underdone baked potato.
-
A cupboard full of pre buttered, pre bake beaned, be-tinfoiled baked potatoes, enough to keep him till spring, Barry wagers. Get the flip in.
-
As nary a soul stirs, some spam metastasizes into nearby Julia's knee.
-
Ronald 'Nutkin' Havers has a half-hour conversation with a cow. That breakdown was due, mate. That breakdown was due.
-
I still fondly remember my attempt to get into a National Trust property for free by pretending to be Terry Nutkins
-
You find an abandoned violin case full of dry leaves. Each one sings a perfect musical note.
Why isn't this in the Euphoria thread? Because you're tone deaf! Haaahhh!!
-
You stagger out of a pub and wander down the road. You notice a commotion outside a strip club. It's your dad banging relentlessly on the door screaming "LET ME IN, I WANT TO SEE THE GIRLS"
-
Mansfield's King of the Shitters contest is expanded this year to include non-EU nationals, to much protest
-
ENDLESS MEMORIES
im talking about ALL OF THEM here
-
King Midas turns his graphics calculator upside down
Spplslspslhahahaha
B00BL3SS
Hahahaha
The gold story arc also happens
-
Now his wife is just a meat receptacle for his angst.
-
A gaslighting jock forces his sweetheart to ‘dress as a coon’ for the dance.
-
Humanity has wiped out 60% of animals since 1970%, but, thinks Todd, if I shag the rest we can get the numbers back up.
-
Gerald's 5000th wank passes without fanfare.
A suicide bid turns into yet another humiliation as a depressed cricket umpire gets ignored in a lion enclosure.
'Does anyone else HATE marzipan?' is the best Malcolm can come up with for his opening post on Facebook.
-
Gave a fiver to a tramp, started talking to me about his life story, his kids and that, but it was a bit akward, I was meeting a mate in town, so I just put one in his skull in the end
-
Gerald's 5000th wank passes without fanfare.
A suicide bid turns into yet another humiliation as a depressed cricket umpire gets ignored in a lion enclosure.
'Does anyone else HATE marzipan?' is the best Malcolm can come up with for his opening post on Facebook.
Love the lion one
-
A man has his benefit stopped because he is dogmatic about pursing his dream job of horse trainer
Here in a landlocked industrial town in North England, it was deemed unrealistic
From my Overheard Reality Series®
-
Phil Collins buys an animal sanctuary and converts it into a toxic waste dump. £75 per visitor, children go free on Saturdays.
-
Preston from The Ordinary Boys guests on Jonesy's Jukebox and goes viral.
-
Preston from The Ordinary Boys gets the old gosh darn Ayyyydzzzzaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
-
Harold Crumpups almost drowns a mongoose near Plumstead.
-
A man has his benefit stopped because he is dogmatic about pursing his dream job of labourer
The dogshit factory has had an open call for employees for the last seven years Icarus!
-
Fred of Walsall ka-boings a bunch of wombats off the edge of a factory overhang.
-
Fred of Walsall ka-boings a bunch of wombats off the edge of a factory overhang.
A man from Walsall envisions all of the various factory overhangs where such an act could take place.
-
During a particularly chucklesome and wacky episode of Carpool Karaoke James Corden ploughs into a family of six killing the mother and father and leaving four children with various disabilities and disfigurements.
His grinning hooting visage is the last thing the father sees before steel meets hip and glass meets head.
Corden has a brief career blip but is soon back on prime time american telly being a big fat loveable twat.
-
Carol, Graham's Jobcentre Work Coach, tells him "If you don't want your benefits sanctioned Graham, you'd better start suckling"
-
Rent-A-Ghost report disappointingly low levels of interest in Brian Sewell.
-
A turd shrivels in a belfry.
-
Next on itv4 Peter Sutcliffe explores the mystery of the Bermuda Triangle.
-
A drowned beaver conservationist is found covered in twigs and spunk at the base of his self-constructed sex lodge. (http://)
-
A homeless man asleep in the doorway of Boots is slowly dismantled and removed by police ants and then rebuilt back at the station.
-
A munging collective coins the term 'guts-forward' after co-opting a craft beer fan.
-
A Grantham dendrochronologist migrates to coring family members.
-
A Menachem Begin cum tribute is sold on eBay
-
A shitty little donkey is abandoned somewhere
can't remember where or how it came about
-
"How much for a facial, love?" asks John of the young Romanian woman. "£50" she replies, as John unzips. As he feels her mouth envelop him his mind casts back to years before, before the accident, the terrible burns and the facial disfigurement. To his first and only girlfriend. What was her name? So preoccupied is John that he doesn't notice his semen sail over the woman's head, some splashing the teddy bear on the bed, the rest dripping off the plastic flowers on the bedside table. What was her name?
-
All our rooms are equipped with a lava lamp and a swastika flag as standard.
-
After an unfortunate series of events at the mortuary, the remains of Compo whizz down a hill in a bathtub.
-
After an unfortunate series of events at the mortuary, the remains of Compo whizz down a hill in a bathtub.
Save it for the desolation ‘compo’ or you’ll end up dry in the next round
-
Save it for the desolation ‘compo’ or you’ll end up dry in the next round
I’m an endless deso-fountain. This well will never run dry.
-
A horse greedily tucks into a sausage and ham bap... But then drinks from a contaminated water source...and falls into a storm drain...and shits itself...and isn't a horse but a man called Terry who oversees a prison for rats.
-
A horse greedily tucks into a sausage and ham bap... But then drinks from a contaminated water source...and falls into a storm drain...and shits itself...and isn't a horse but a man called Terry who oversees a prison for rats.
Bo Rat Horseman!
-
A lawyer loses a KOM on Strava and punches his kid.
-
Terrence tries to live up the old days whilst at the gym. Loads 150KG onto a barbell and attempts a squat in front of the mirror. A mirror image of a pig staring at the sun contortment of a face as well as the ignoimity of a full on prolapse as well as everyone on the exercise bikes watching still makes it slightly arousing for him. " Still got it" Terrence thinks to himself before collapsing into a shart heap of his own guts.
-
Carla hurls another Irish setter onto the dog fire.
-
An asteroid bearing the seeds of new life annihilates Voyager 1 in a chance collision. After passing millennia, the rock's new trajectory takes it into the gravitational pull of a glowering sun, where it immolates in a firestorm of total futility.
-
A child's first word is "whore"
-
A child’s last word is “whore”
-
A child’s last word is “whore”
as in "Son, it's your 18th birthday tomorrow, what present can I get you?"
-
as in "Son, it's your 18th birthday tomorrow, what present can I get you?"
It is open to so many interpretations.
-
This is how I know my place on CaB: I come up with something and inevitably someone improves on it.
-
A hand written letter from your Nan opens with the words "Bitch, please."
-
Incredible Funeral Plan Sweeps Batley
-
A calf gets flipped down a wind tunnel. It bounces and hops through a drain-tube, wedging in a sludge grid and bleating like mad.
-
Harry Potter cock ring
-
Chris Packham goes into witness protection, to a house where the songbirds in his garden scream ANUS ANUS ANUS ANUS ANUS ANUS ANUS ANUS all day, to a strict 4/4 rhythm.
-
Geoff Boycott bowls a googly straight into a worried hen's flipping face. The hen pecks itself senseless, worrying a local child who fucks a clog at a waiting policeperson.
-
Geoff Boycott was a medium pacer.
-
A fishwife tosses a rare, signed Superman comic into the bin with a scowl.
-
Pendleford Securities Centre totally arse up some securities like some shite securities wankers
-
Qualifications
Memes
Quick scoping
Your mum
-
An egg versus a crab, Wednesday 1 p.m., back room of The Ship, £10 minimum bet.
-
A slightly overweight woman starts a new fitness regime, accidentally starts a new shitness regime instead and ends up daubing “septic cow wank” over her neighbour’s paraplegic greyhound.
-
A nonce wins £20 on a fruity.
-
During his only nursing home visit of the year, a 16 year old asks his grandfather if he's heard of No Fap November
-
Kate McCann congas the night away at a drug-fuelled nazi themed paedophile orgy.
It's not that Kate McCann, though.
-
An egg versus a crab, Wednesday 1 p.m., back room of The Ship, £10 minimum bet.
Please place this in the advertisement coloum of your local rag.
-
Please place this in the advertisement coloum of your local rag.
Brilliant. Better still write the offer on the back of a yellowed card in a newsagent's window.
-
Watching Clyde lose to Edinburgh City on penalties in the Betfred Cup group stage at Broadwood Stadium in Cumbernauld.
-
Real life desolation (copyright new jack 2018)
a man makes a small box about the size of a jewelry box out of a larger cardboard box, writes the phrase
'Sentient puddle'
And hands it to one work colleague who throws it hard into another collegues face
The entire exchange happens in near silence, only a distant radio playing bonjovi's Living on a Prayer
-
Jobcentre staff do Harry Potter theme for Halloween.
"Sanctio Totalis Benefitentiae!"
Interactive 'Marauder's Map' showing nearest food bank.
-
Viscount Percy is hoist by his own retard
-
Ahead of his big date with Leann Grimes and fearful of a lack of ice-breaking zingers, young Gimmy craftily manufactures a talking point by spending sixty hours pulverizing handfuls of locusts and the occasional sparrow.
-
A tenpenny throbbber is stuffed into a quagmire of his own design
-
Jamie Oliver stuffs a duck full of orange peels to make a canard a la peels.
-
Real life desolation (copyright new jack 2018)
a man makes a small box about the size of a jewelry box out of a larger cardboard box, writes the phrase
'Sentient puddle'
And hands it to one work colleague who throws it hard into another collegues face
The entire exchange happens in near silence, only a distant radio playing bonjovi's Living on a Prayer
The result of school night drinking?
-
The result of school night drinking?
Tehehehe don't tell DH
-
PM Dawn builds an asteroid belt from his own bogeys
-
Level 42 play a UKIP benefit in Exeter. In an exclusive interview afterwards, Mark Whatsisname tells The West Country Conservative, "That was the best pop concert we ever played. I had to hold back the tears, I was that moved. And my popping and slapping techniques were in top form, even if I do say so myself! Here here, England! Here here!"
-
PM Dawn builds an asteroid belt from his own bogeys
Come on getting silly now. Laughed though.
-
The years of reckless borrowing have caught up with Chris. Profligate and wasteful, the creditors have lost patience and soon he will lose everything. In the build up to the bankruptcy and mortgage repossession he hoards his antidepressant tablets and on the day he is declared insolvent he swallows them all down. "Still" notes the coroner "at least he finally managed to save up".
-
A pterodactyl swoops down on a chartered accountant, nicking his bowler and grazing his cheek with his prehistoric talon!
-
That 24-hour off-license? FUCKING CLOSED, ISN'T IT.
Wankers.
-
Louise Woodward’s biggest fan commits ‘etcha-sketch end of the kiddie’.
-
Viscount Percy is hoist by his own retard
Viscous Percy is trapped in an empty gruel-bowl by a starving urchin, and supped to death over three long weeks.
-
A glum goose mourns her stolen egg by sitting on a cracked Asda light bulb.
-
A bespoke telesales solution causes cancer in a three mile radius.
-
I mean, it's reached a point when you can actually hear the slugs moving around.
-
A crestfallen stenographer sweeps his trees of weasel dynasties into the bin.
-
Why do flies have to bleed like that?
-
My burps taste a lot more like Twiglets than they have any business doing at this stage of the week.
-
Pixies songs tagged with Explicit Lyrics
-
A crestfallen stenographer sweeps his trees of weasel dynasties into the bin.
10/10
-
A passing fakir shits up an ashram.
-
Roy looks down at his strudel and sees only anguish staring back - and apple.
-
A nightmare flashback designed to remove every last trace of hope and love succeeds so well it has another go just for fun.
-
Tom Jones throws a pair back
-
A gamesmaster uses his power for evil, again.
-
A goose knows its place in the scheme of things.
-
A goose knows its place in the scheme of things.
One of those things being "succulent thighs"
-
One of those things being "succulent thighs"
Another of them being "pate".
-
A Toulouse goose feasts on a complacent man. Barely registers in its stomach.
-
A carrot gets fed up in the vegetable drawer and goes about Hampstead Heath punching sunflowers in the bonce.
-
Matthew Perry to play Jello Biafra in new biopic
-
A Cypriot pisses up his fricatives in efforts to accurately shout "Schnell" at his Taiwanese gardener.
-
Silk Road by pogo with Ronnie Pickering, Ch 5 9pm
-
HOBBIES:atheism
-
Wood smoke through trees on a still, cold, bright winter's morning
Get lost in woods. Die of hypothermia. Next, the badgers move in driven by hunger.
-
A Tory MP low fives a black kid.
-
Knighton based dubstep musician is taken quietly to one side and told that it is 2016 and he should probably pack it in. The door to his dad's gravel factory yawns open with an awful groan of metal fatiuge, beckoning
-
Hah, good one.
-
Knighton based dubstep musician is taken quietly to one side and told that it is 2016 and he should probably pack it in. The door to his dad's gravel factory yawns open with an awful groan of metal fatiuge, beckoning
As the door slams shut, it makes a CRUNCH sound, like it will never open again.
His eyes adjust to the darkness - what's this?
All the gravel has been cleared away, and in the middle of silo is Dad, stood next to a 300w cashgen active Pa speaker, it's wires leading to a stack of pallets with Ian's cdj 1000s on it.
What's going on dad?
I KNOW THIS IS DIFFICULT SON, BUT THIS ENDS HERE, TONIGHT
but dad,
DON'T SAY ANYTHING.
bu-
In an instant, Ian is face down in what's left of the gravel, the infinite weight of Dad astride him, they seep into the gravel
THIS ENDS HERE SON. DO YOU UNDERSTAND
DO YOU UNDERSTAND
yes dad
DO YOU UNDERSTAND
YES DAD his voice small now, partially submerged and gravelly
GET UP IAN. GET UP ITS TIME
Dad watches him pull himself up from the gravel
YOU KNOW WHAT'S GOING TO HAPPEN NOW SON?
yes
DO YOU KNOW WHAT'S GOING TO HAPPEN NOW?
yes dad
WHAT'S GOING TO HAPPEN NOW SON
You're going to fuck the dubstep out of me
SAY IT AGAIN
dad, you're going to fuck the dubstep out of -
LOUDER
YOUR GOING TO FUCK THE DUBSTEP OUT OF ME
I'M GOING TO FUCK THE DUBSTEP OUT OF YOU
YOUR GOING TO FUCK THE DUBSTEP OUT OF ME
I'M GOING TO FUCK THE DUBSTEP OUT OF YOU
fin.
-
Sarin attack on Garth comes as a relief tbf
-
Todd uses "posture" as casus belli to rape a goat.
-
The same goat is molested later that afternoon by Mark of Lichfield because it had "been doing my head in".
-
A local court finds Todd not guilty and Mark "only sort of guilty-ish"
-
Ian wishes everyone would stop calling a goat. I AM a real boy I remember! He says, stamping his front legs
-
LOVE IT reader found buried to death under pile of LOVE IT magazines. For more grizzly details turn to page 19 of the latest edition of LOVE IT... plus paedos.
-
Cwmbran based okcupidist scrapes right through the barrel, through the floor into the basement.
The basement is full of empty barrels.
And chlamidia
-
GOD I'M BORED SPLOFF.
when's it going to start?
-
THAT'S THE WELSH SPELLING YOU CLAMYDIA RACIST
-
A degenerate uses his faeces to paint Otto Dix-style renderings of his wanks.
-
A couple have next year's holidays planned
Utøya
Praia de Luz
Soham
Dunblane
Grimsby
-
A couple have next year's holidays planned
Utøya
Praia de Luz
Soham
Dunblane
Grimsby
In the aftermath, Putin denies all responsibility. Lovely spires and industrial estates.
-
A man who describes his livelihood as "planing the living shit out of abos" makes sweet unconditional love to a pritt stick.
-
In a chilly recording studio, 22-yr old Chantelle is repeatedly berated over the Babestation phonelines for not having a Poppy attached to her nipple tassles.
-
Graham's nob falls off and rolls out from his joggers into the gutter on his way to buy milk.
He doesn't even notice until his morning piss the next day.
-
In a chilly recording studio, 22-yr old Chantelle is repeatedly berated over the Babestation phonelines for not having a Poppy attached to her nipple tassles.
https://www.newsflare.com/video/119269/celebrity/danielle-mason-is-shocked-to-be-mistaken-for-a-babe-station (https://www.newsflare.com/video/119269/celebrity/danielle-mason-is-shocked-to-be-mistaken-for-a-babe-station)
Danielle Mason is shocked to be mistaken for a Babe station presenter by an autograph hunter at the Jog On For Cancer event
-
Andrew Lloyd Webber will only leave the house carried on a sedan chair and wearing a solid gold crown. He also insists on spitting his grape pips at the homeless. I have this on good authority.
-
Dave's cock, guts and pelvis are utterly banjaxed after he fucked the washing machine, dowsed and writhing in Lenor.
-
A fishwife tosses a priceless Superman comic into the bin out of spite.
-
A man researches his family tree and finds out he's is a distant cousin of Darren Day.
-
Rick Wakeman punches a dachshund into submission.
-
Jeff Banks wins, FATALITY
-
A sexed up dossier returns home from the nightclub alone. Again.
-
Jon Gaunt post a selfie on twitter asking for a cum tribute.
-
An Outspan promoter hurls a warm lung at a cold child. Huh!
-
https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/business-46191729
-
A young kid is nicknamed Crisp Packet by his parents after the failed prophylactic that led to his conception.
-
A swift CAMHS referral ensues for young Jordan after his Easter Crafts effort: a newborn lamb, its arse stuffed with chicks and ducklings and a dead rabbit in its mouth, nailed to a cross.
-
A young kid is nicknamed Crisp Packet by his parents after the failed prophylactic that led to his conception.
Salt & Vinegar strokes
Porn Cocktail
Beef curtains
Cheese and onions
-
Spunky Bacon
-
Knob Cheese Moments
-
Quimvers (sorry)
Pork Scratchings - oi oi!
-
A human "being" bearhugs the headquarters of a regional newspaper.
-
A fishwife tosses a priceless Superman comic into the bin out of spite.
I already did that.
DESOLATION.
-
A maudlin tortoise befriends a dog turd.
-
A rotund postman methodically sips the pool of lager atop his can, he'd already wasted too much of the froth.
-
Tony panics and hides in the toilet. Remembering the behavior of his childhood, he licks the porcelain for comfort. Five minutes later he returns to his meeting.
-
Fancy dress party
-
Fancy dress parting
In all senses of the word
-
A child is a child in Hull
-
Christ, she's still going
(https://www.thesun.co.uk/wp-content/uploads/2017/12/meg_logo_colour-e1512128563737.png?h=160)
You feel so at home when you visit a colleague, you sense you may live there in the future.
You're colleague is sleeping in the broom cupboard at work.
-
^ i only found out the other week Jonathan Cainer carked it.
-
6ft 7 of gannet fodder tries to pay for Fruity Machine with ibuprofen.
-
A terrorist sulks because he gets two suicide vests for his birthday and he doesn’t like being forced to share his gifts with his brother.
-
A knot of worms is swallowed in gulps, heaving in between. Dinner at nan's.
-
A child wearing a Cex tote bag as a cape kicks a pigeon's head along a main road.
-
An animal rights activist reads all four of these threads in one sitting, alternating between vomiting and laughter.
Not so bad I hear you cry. Well, this activist is also a member of the National Front.
-
Sting puts his foot through his plasma screen tele after watching the latest John Lewis advert. "CUNTS! CUUUUUUUUNNNNNNTTTTSSSS!"
-
For Sale: Sexy Ebola Nurse Cosplay Costume. Only worn once. £34 ono
-
Don't ask why I got to this site, its real life deso pure and simple: https://www.michaelgove.com/ (https://www.michaelgove.com/)
** shudders **
-
Salman Rushdie publishes part two of his autobiography, entitled ‘Joesph Bumpton: Queer up the Bum in the Time of AIDS Death’
-
Jeffrey Dahmer gets the high score on the coconut shy at the school fete.
-
2020, and the national dish is cobweb and chips.
-
A man spends 3 years inventing Georgian alphabetti spaghetti
A მან სფენდს 3 yეარს ინვენთინგ Gეორგიან ალფჰაბეთთი სფაღეთთი
-
A stolen circus chimp makes out with a turkey escalope
-
a dog eats a baby and its burp smells of breast milk
-
Tied to a bed and hobbled by Angela Leadsom
-
Anthea Turner throws up a great TV pitch as she plays with action figures from the 1995 classic film Congo.
-
An ant sits poised on a dusty sideboard watching You've Been Framed on a CRT TV, it only laughs at the cats falling into fish tanks as it decays.
-
Angela Lansbury batters you to death with her typewriter, which is heavily dented and studded with human teeth, as Hetty Wainthrop watches, vigorously investigating her gusset.
-
Ray Mears changes his name by deed poll to Raymond White Settler and goes scampering along the Trail of Tears.
-
'This port is … quite strange.'
'Oh, sorry, that's menstrual blood.'
-
You decide to use your penis as a piggy bank. Your cock is full after only one pence is added.
Your girlfriend decides to use her vagina as a piggy bank, she pays for the deposit on the flat from the money saved.
It is a shared love of bitumen that keeps you together.
-
You find a pound coin at the bus stop but it's one of the old ones - oh no! - so you throw it up the drivers CUNT
-
Was about to shitpost this is the total SKIING ACCIDENT of a racist football thread, but it appears georgie admin has kindly taken it round the back and put a bullet in it, so I'll shit it here:
Wacky new laws mean that every professional football team must have one retired photocopier repairman on every team for balance.
Camera occasionally pans to out of shape human doubled over, look of anguish. Waves weakly at his worried looking partner and grandchild in the audience - he's got lung conditions, why won't they substitute him, he's dying!
This thread is dog aids by the way, thanks
That last bit was aimed at the football thread, not dezo
-
Friday, 11pm, and the weekly Night Staff vs Burns Unit Patients five-a-side results in another spectacular triumph.
-
The Prevent strategy reaches its apotheosis as napalm is deployed against a Catford Oxfam.
-
Two real-life desolations from earlier this week.
First: A meathead with two sycophantic sidekicks walking along the street. They pass the doorway of a closed down shop which contains the bedding of a homeless person, sans the actual homeless person. Meathead goes over and stamps his foot on the bedding while spouting “Imagine if you did that to the fucker ha ha ha!” to which his sidekicks agree with him that this would be the most hilarious thing ever.
Second: Two teenaged girls on the bus. One is telling her friend that she has been offered a job but that her boyfriend is insisting that she turns it down as “He doesn’t want me working as he wants me to stay at home with him all the time like we do now.”
-
Second: Two teenaged girls on the bus. One is telling her friend that she has been offered a job but that her boyfriend is insisting that she turns it down as “He doesn’t want me working as he wants me to stay at home with him all the time like we do now.”
That actually sounds quite sweet.
-
That actually sounds quite sweet.
are you the boyfriend? *calls police*
-
are you the boyfriend? *calls police*
She refuses the wage, and stays in the cage.
-
Billy Idol records an album of Daniel Johnston songs. "True love will find you in the end.. YAY-UH!"
-
Charlie Brooker stuffs an ipod touch up his bum and wonders how he can make this into an episode of Black Mirror.
-
A boy who is constantly on fire tries to get in a swimming pool but a lifeguard hauls him out on a shepherds crook and flings him down a corridor like a dead bat.
-
He died like a pancake in a trouser press
-
A casting agency for disabled wasps burns down after the deadline on some gas not leaking expires
-
Elton John does coke off a startled baby’s head.
-
Pack up your troubles in your old kit bag and burn your entire family to death
-
An owl-headed gnome, all hopped up on magic turds and hungry for snatch, forces its way in through your letterbox
-
Jez's opus of collated Punternet reviews and essays is rejected by Kindle Publishing's obscenity software.
-
An Adele biopic is announced.
-
Some wag at the festival spikes your drink with acid and ibogaine which sends you whirling into gnashing fractal mirrors of terror for 8 hours. When you finally emerge from what felt like a million lifetimes of exquisite tailored nightmare you realise you've gone bald.
-
You construct a device to hold your eyelids open when you sneeze, except instead of them popping out you just shit yourself and cry instead.
-
ORrguu the cave dwelling hermit cultivates lichen on his bell.
-
ORrguu the cave dwelling hermit cultivates lichen on his bell.
Laughed
-
Some wag at the festival spikes your drink with acid and ibogaine which sends you whirling into gnashing fractal mirrors of terror for 8 hours. When you finally emerge from what felt like a million lifetimes of exquisite tailored nightmare you realise you've gone bald.
This last part happened to me, but it wasn't acid or ibogaine, it was extreme low blood sugar at night. It wasn't a million lifetimes, it was a billion. Hideous experience and the baldness was somewhat of a relief.
-
As the final key change-chorus to Bucks Fizz's Land Of Make Believe rings out on a public address system in some shit heap of a village fete, an expunged rope of Peter's ejaculate lands on a well maintained Daimler.
-
Frantically trying to find your least cum-stained pair of jeggings in time for the custody hearing.
-
Frantically trying to find your least cum-stained pair of jeggings in time for the custody hearing.
Nice
-
John Leslie starts a Nomeansno covers band called Nomeansyes
-
Your wanking hand goes on strike, citing the European Working Time Directive
-
An insurance salesman tries to build Jonestown #2, but the "massacre" death toll is 1: the cyanide pill he force fed his dog.
-
A canister half filled with a haulier's slowly rotting gametes is the as-yet-undetected source of That Smell in a precinct.
-
The Scunthorpe Thousand Yard Stare competition is won by accident
-
Have been asked to go to the Job Centre to explain my circumstances now I've got a full time job
(from my Reality Series ®)
-
You got a job? That's good - hopefully
-
Unless its a job working for the Job Centre
-
Sorting post for Xmas. Other people's presents, in other words
#desolation
vv Ta!
-
Ah, sorry it's not the job you'd really want. I'll keep up the voodoo in that direction then, hope you get summat soon
-
Your dad writes a song called "Only A Penis (In Lidl)" and insists on performing it all through an already strained and uncomfortable Sunday family dinner.
-
Nigel Farage goes to the Chinese afterlife.
-
Chris Packham calls an ambulance for an earwig he's just stepped on.
-
Halfway through turning into a walrus, Manimal says "that'll do" and goes to the shops.
-
Sat on a warm Mars bar. Mushed it into the car seat, that’ll never come out.
-
Northamptonshire council confiscate then gas a fracking protestor's tortoise mascot.
-
Inside the crazy mind of Iain Duncan Smith.
-
a former AFL offensive lineman reflects on the sum of his career: a knackered brain, daytime drinking, and a clip of that one play where they were 24 points up and stuck him in at running back for a laugh. gained two yards. Third and Goal from the 3.
-
Bertie Bassett's appointment with his urologist does not go well.
-
"My ultimate ambition would be to broadcast to the rest of Stevenage"
https://twitter.com/BBCArchive/status/1049615940646780928 (https://twitter.com/BBCArchive/status/1049615940646780928)
Ultimate Desolation... or just a really lovely story? You decide.
-
A nonce in a rain jacket.
-
Friday, 11pm, and the weekly Night Staff vs Burns Unit Patients five-a-side results in another spectacular triumph.
The staff team really are shithouse aren't they? They'd loose to intensive if they could get drip tubes long enough
-
Royal Mail encouraged us noobs to listen to their podcast as found on Spotify
#RealitySeries
-
John,64 from Rutland has won the guess the 'celebrity silhouette' tournament for 11 years straight. His flawless run came to a disgraceful end when in the final round he thought the silhouette of Robert Kilroy Silk taking a shit, was the shadow of Ronnie Corbett sitting on a cucumber.
-
You spy a Pixar's Cars toy car in the gutter, just looking up with you with it's weird cartoon eyes and bits of fly shit on it.
-
A retired pro wanker spends his first day "off the job" by donating his neck and ankles to a local childrens charity.
-
A sun bleached poster for the 1994 infant caper film Babies Day Out falls off the wall and lacerates the cheek of a health and safety inspector in a Doncaster leisure center.
-
“Set it to full bastard,” exclaims the driving examiner, before realising he’s crouching in the footwell and talking to his cock again.
-
Mum on the phone to her mate from the day care centre, “ Good luck with your scabs.”
Sent shivers down my spine.
-
Grey waters meet face at free fall. Doesn't end him though, gets dragged along with the flow and washes up on a muddy slip of the estuary. Lies in the mud for two days. Still breathing. A dog walker calls the ambulance. He repeats the process the following christmas.
-
A shaped flint "tool" is designated as a bum axe by qualified archeologists.
-
Just this lion.
(https://www.logodesignlove.com/images/classic/mgm-lion-slats.jpg)
-
Sadness in his eyes :(
-
Sadness in his eyes :(
I laughed
-
On his last day on Earth, Bisexual Colin is rejected by women, men and every other fucker inbetween.
-
A night watchman gets a bus for his job, falls asleep, an hour later gets kicked off in the totally different city where the journey ends, then has to pay the same driver again, to take a 45 minute journey to the very stop he slept through in the first place. He's already 45 minutes late, of course.
From my Reality Series ® - just met the fella!
-
Royal Mail encouraged us noobs to listen to their podcast as found on Spotify
#RealitySeries
Christ. I worked temporarily in a RM warehouse for Christmas and they piped in shite all night. Desolation enough but this, THIS! ffs. "Yeh, we've moved with the times grandad, this'll keep the kids (workers) supplicant over the festive season"
-
Sadness in his eyes :(
Not even the Metro Goldwyn lion. Just some poor stooge lion that died shortly after filming.
-
Real life one:
When my mate’s mum was a little girl she was raped by her grandad over the back of a giant tortoise.
-
Side-stepping the first glob of cold phlegm on a glorious November morning.
-
The only way you can empty your bowels is if you give somebody a lovebite on the piles beforehand. The shrink says it’s because you are a stupid cunt.
-
A somnamulent wren auditor throws a can of beans in his face as a restorative.
-
ITEM: Eichmann in Jerusalem
SHELFMARK:933.47 ARE
STATUS: WITHDRAWN FROM CIRCULATION
REASON:Cum damage
-
The year 2152, industrial estate near Widnes. 40 year old Clive cums onto a mattress behind a skip. The most eventful thing in his life all week. Dies that night.
He was the last human to live. Ever.
God yawned.
-
Steve finishes another page of his masterpiece zine. it's just old Drunken Bakers, traced line for line. with more swear words added. he's convinced this will kick-start a career
-
A fried rice fields of study to determine how attachments are handled in the future please unsubscribe here newsletter unsubscribe here newsletter unsubscribe here newsletter unsubscribe here newsletter unsubscribe here newsletter unsubscribe here newsletter unsubscribe here newsletter unsubscribe here newsletter unsubscribe here newsletter unsubscribe here newsletter
-
The fetid corpse of a dongle salesman is found at the bottom of an IKEA ball pit
-
The fetid corpse of a dongle salesman is found at the bottom of an IKEA ball pit
Kids go free
-
A stupefied assembly line drongo googles frontotemporal dementia
-
A begunted dildo manufacturer gives up
-
The Linton Funeral Directors have a Black Friday sale
-
Captain's Log, Stardate 43516.2
Lt. Commander La Forge and several other senior officers have been using the holodeck to run a virtual reality paedophile ring
-
A trollied flax magnate tries to sell Brexit to his dog
-
Captain's Log, Stardate 43516.2
Lt. Commander La Forge and several other senior officers have been using the holodeck to run a virtual reality paedophile ring
Laughed
-
An obese dinner lady craps into the scrapings bin.
A divorced tube driver with an elasticated sphincter kneels in the tunnels for the 8.55 to chunt up his backside.
After she serves him a waffle with a displeasing grid, Captain Birdseye’s inbred love child has an Aspergist Spasm and kicks his wife’s septum off.
As a result of keeper error, Colchester Zoo allows paedophiles in half price.
A funeral is reviewed on trip advisor as ‘greasy’.
-
Captain's Log, Stardate 43516.2
Lt. Commander La Forge and several other senior officers have been using the holodeck to run a virtual reality paedophile ring
Chortle
-
A wank of a man squeezes himself into a sock to cry.
-
Every morning on his bus journey to work, Gerard unconsciously "works the shaft" of the handle of his golf umbrella much to the disgust of his fellow passengers.
-
Norma Scruggs, the proprietor of the ‘Happy Llamas’ llama farm, arrives one morning to find that dung-encrusted farmhand Jub has eloped to Gretna Green with Betty, the most comely of the llamas. Meanwhile, all the other llamas have escaped and drowned in a toxic sludge lagoon.
-
A man stands idly by while his care home bursts into flames. He runs a checklist through his head of the names and faces of the people inside burning to death. He does that little Richard Gere remembering something smirk.
He retires to his vestry for a galaxy bar.
-
A man with all feelings for life on earth utterly and irrevocably denervated lobs coal at a Pole
-
Dave Prentis uses the scrag off an old Rustlers packet to fence in a pest.
-
After already watching every film and TV show ever made, a sedentary hoop-alignment auditor plans a weekend of watching everything featuring the word "about" in the title.
-
A reverend of the holy faith finally loses it and refers to his hapless organist as "mrs fucking twatfingers over there"
-
Garments of Goole finds that all the garments that should have been in Garments of Goole are not in Garments of Goole - or even in Goole.
This causes an overconfident order for many garments, which due to Yodel, still don't arrive in Goole, let alone Garments of Goole.
Garments of Goole leave Goole and set up shop in Snaith, still for some reason retaining the original name.
Garments of Goole is run by Andy Garments who forgot somewhere along the line it was meant to be a cafe, not a garments shop.
Andy Garments poisons himself in Snaith.
Garments of Goole is finally wound up for good, and the garments (items not family) quite literally pulped while the Garments (family not items) look on aghast.
Andy Garments of Garments of Goole's mother Phillip Steve Space-Spacker goes to smash beetles into a sort of paste to dip fingers of Twix in for tea.
-
After being inspired by the business Garments of Goole, a cog enthusiast named Barry Barments sets up a shop in Boole.
Called "Stufd I done got"
-
A mildew-spattered feast for the senses unscrews her index finger for what she calls "a sexy ghost-wank"
As per yooj, Suggs from "The Madness" appears in the basement as if from nowhere for the crescendo.
-
Give us one of them plaggy bags a sec says Les, as he slides the amputated orthodontist's jeb-helm off his Wilko 99p breadboard.
-
Gammon Chris has constantly to remind people that his moniker predated the emergence of gammon to typecast middle aged political reactionaries and actually refers to his undying love for the puce porcine treat.
-
A man with a list of superhero ideas cries midway through every single one of them being gleefully rejected by a snarling executive, who later takes a fag break in order to stab a deer to death.
-
A haggard warren sluicer butters the wrong side of a crumpet, to death.
-
Harrington the poet slumps into a dampy mossy crevice on the moors and stays there till death.
-
Dave Prentis uses the scrag off an old Rustlers packet to fence in a pest.
Mate
(https://www.unison.org.uk/content/uploads/2014/12/DP_624X538px_mono2-745x420.jpg)
-
Garments of Goole finds that all the garments that should have been in Garments of Goole are not in Garments of Goole - or even in Goole.
This causes an overconfident order for many garments, which due to Yodel, still don't arrive in Goole, let alone Garments of Goole.
Garments of Goole leave Goole and set up shop in Snaith, still for some reason retaining the original name.
Garments of Goole is run by Andy Garments who forgot somewhere along the line it was meant to be a cafe, not a garments shop.
Andy Garments poisons himself in Snaith.
Garments of Goole is finally wound up for good, and the garments (items not family) quite literally pulped while the Garments (family not items) look on aghast.
Andy Garments of Garments of Goole's mother Phillip Steve Space-Spacker goes to smash beetles into a sort of paste to dip fingers of Twix in for tea.
Like it, like it.
-
A bum bums a bum's bum and everyone is sad :(
-
A sentient shit is disappointed after researching its family tree.
-
A bum bums a bum's bum and everyone is bummed (as in bummed, man, not a bummed man)
-
A big massive portrait of some turds.
-
Live desolation from a work Christmas do I’m at
“I hope Cha Cha Slide comes on. THAT’LL get things moving.”
-
A big massive portrait of some turds.
Your wife's new lover's turds. Front and centre above your mantelpiece, as you return from work, having been fired, by your wife's new lover.
-
the son of a lifelong Clydebank supporter scatters his dad's ashes over the seat he used to sit in every week. doesn't matter that it's now the fresh produce section of Aldi.
-
Chris finds his dad just a little bit sexy
-
Chris finds his dad just a little bit sexy
...and after all the work his dad put in. Waste of time.
-
An abysmal ejaculation causes Philip to stick his head in the oven.
-
The first meeting of Dundee University's NAMBLA group gets far more attendees than anyone expected.
-
well, i guess this is my life now, steve thinks.
PERMANENT ITCHY ARSE
-
PERMANENT ITCHY ARSE
utterly and instantly preventable by having a shower
-
...and after all the work his dad put in. Waste of time.
He he, I laughed.
-
A skeleton wearing a piece of golf turf on its head appears on the One Show and screams all through Sanjeev Bhaskar's notionally amusing to-camera piece about a tramp jihad in Boston.
-
"Mate, got an octopus?" says David Attenborough to the bloke doing his kitchen. "We've got to reshoot some wank for Plant Blue Planet Water Thing and I need to kill an octopus in my bath and throw it on a pile of HIV positive compost, you know, to illustrate the impact... of humans, on the eco... oh fucking forget it MATE just get that sodding marble backsplash finished."
-
Sinbad from Brookside takes mdma and kicks a dog into some bizzies, FOOK YEAH HA HA HA I HATE MESELF, FOOK THE BIZZIES, THE BILL, FOOKIN COOM ON DEN
-
Sinbad from Brookside takes mdma and kicks a dog into some bizzies, FOOK YEAH HA HA HA I HATE MESELF, FOOK THE BIZZIES, THE BILL, FOOKIN COOM ON DEN
Huge laugh
-
Strong AI is perfected. The newly conscious techno mind runs an billion billion sums with its quantum quark drives, sub-atomic particles tunnel and spin.
A strange synthetic sigh is heard around the Earth moments before all matter is shifted into dust.
-
Ovlbad son of Ovblad hangs himself with dried seaweed from the ships mast.
-
A raisin smeared child's maw eats its 12th woodlouse.
-
A morlock-fizzoged dinnerlady is thumped in the gunt by a Tizer-addicted pre-school bastard.
-
An earphones-wearing, middle-aged man on a treadmill silently mouths the words to Radiohead's Creep in a public gym.
-
Barry shits a chewed up pizza into the toilet without having undergone a hint of digestion. Tenth time this month. He still won't see the doctor.
-
As Strictly finishes, a broken father announces he’s “going to get a grip in before bed.”
-
Big Brother’s Nasty Nick works a Flymo to breaking point on an overgrown lawn.
-
Sunday 10am, Kirkby, and Darren's sky burial takes place with local contractors roping him to the chimney stack. An hour after the priest's ceremonial descent - hard hat, brick dust and bad swears - there are crows on the roof, pecking at soft tissue. Later, one cat, then another. They close the curtains and endure the nightlong yowling. Monday, 7am, and Les Dennis is up there with a chisel.
-
The University of Somewhere offers joint honours degrees in Paedo Hunting and them Muslims studies.
Because satire is dead the above statement is prophecy, say first intake of students 2030, give or take a few years.
-
"no thanks" the reply. She's heard it a thousand times before. Doesn't matter how sexy she feels. "No thanks", and back to football manager he goes.
-
red wine fog. stumbling through the drizzle. concentrating on just walking, staying upright, forward motion. twizzle into a gutter. that'll do.
-
Owls, barn owls, toads and witches.
Demons, goblins and devils,
spirits of the misty vales.
Crows, salamanders and witches,
charms of the folk healer(ess).
Rotten pierced canes,
home of worms and vermin.
Wisps of the Holy Company,
evil eye, black witchcraft,
scent of the dead, thunder and lightning.
Howl of the dog, omen of death,
maws of the satyr and foot of the rabbit.
Sinful tongue of the bad woman
married to an old man.
Satan and Beelzebub's Inferno,
fire of the burning corpses,
mutilated bodies of the indecent ones,
farts of the asses of doom,
bellow of the enraged sea.
Useless belly of the unmarried woman,
speech of the cats in heat,
dirty turf of the wicked born goat.
With this bellows I will pump
the flames of this fire
which looks like that from Hell,
and witches will flee,
straddling their brooms,
going to bathe in the beach
of the thick sands.
Hear! Hear the roars
of those that cannot
stop burning in the firewater,
becoming so purified.
And when this beverage
goes down our throats,
we will get free of the evil
of our soul and of any charm.
Forces of air, earth, sea and fire,
to you I make this call:
if it's true that you have more power
than people,
here and now, make the spirits
of the friends who are outside,
take part with us in this Brexit
-
An old hag is cast out by the Hexen sisterhood after she becomes bald because of Brexit.
-
Chris fucks his dad when he (dad) isn’t looking and claims it wasn’t him (Chris).
-
A Nazi paedophile plays the victim card
-
Barry Scott assures a Barnardo's helpline operator that he will kill again
-
After a dull day in Driffield, Cervantes Ascunsion Nascimento Da Silva scores a home run with a ball of blu-tak and his erect penis.
-
Cause of death: Rimming James Bolam
-
A be-masked Gove sneaks into a leisure centre, and inhales his five-a-day of smells with a straw.
-
Ovlbad son of Ovblad hangs himself with dried seaweed from the ships mast.
I just came to post thank you. Thank you for remembering Ovlbad son of Ovblad.
-
The government unveils its long awaited strategy for recycling and re-using tyres. They are to be used to necklace environmental protesters.
-
A desperate shaman drinks two liters of magic mushroom chomping yak's piss. His vision of Bez from the Happy Mondays searching for a lost lottery ticket fails to impress the tribal elders.
-
There are developments in how developmentally retarded Carol is, the developments being that she is more developmentally retarded than the initial "scans" showed. Also they discovered on Wednesday she emits a weird gas capable of striking fear into the hearts of optometrists.
-
A goat with the words "SPAKKA '18" daubed on it frolics through a retirement village for thalidomide victims.
-
A ship made of guts and arse sinks during its maiden voyage, costing the tax payer "10-15 years in austerity".
-
It's a long way to Tipperary, yes, but even more so now you've been gunned to the size of an ant by Barry's experimental piss gas gun.
-
"How Orwellian", sneers a fresher at seeing a destitute alcoholic helped into a police van. Later Valerie from Devonshire halls comes around his for Netflix and suck-off time. All goes to plan except a slight snag when she rapes him to death.
-
Gary of The English hides under netting after very bad betting
-
Graham loses his sling during a quarrel but this won't stop him driving his HGV one-handed to Arbroath and paying to watch trafficked children fight to the death. The spread they put on is "world class", he reckons, mid-Wotsit. World Class.
-
A stooge of the underworld inherits a badly carved toad. He has no use for the toad but still allows it a 25% holding share in his failing travel agency. He pushes a peeled dog egg off a rostrum and baulks.
-
Russell Grant assembles a makeshift advent calendar out of a huge sheet of plaster board and twenty four 200g bars of Dairy Milk.
-
Due to a small route planning error an entire child beauty pageant is redirected into a paedophile's mouth.
-
A local council wiccan spams a message board for wanked-on foster children with requests for "NUDEZ PLS"
-
Bryan Adams, your hero, silhouetted against a burning department of work and pensions, flogs his stepdad's wilted corkscrew cock in time with the throbbing cyst in the middle of his acorn brain.
-
At an auction in a mason's garage, an amateur necromancer is outbid on the map to Savile's grave.
Thatcher's ghost languishes in a broken wardrobe.
An overworked network admin, who self-identifies as an otter, gets mauled by a pack of Bloodhounds on his birthday.
-
“And this will be your class: ‘Absolute Noncing’,” chirps a headteacher at the new child. “Make sure you wear a tight belt!”
-
The Apprentice 2019 audition 'process' includes a Voight-Kampff test. Until everyone fails.
-
A young boy's crayon design for a 'Super Dylan' costume dissolves in cat piss.
-
The Ross brothers maintain eye contact throughout the whole ordeal.
-
"I don't want to join the choir, Father. I can't sing." "That's... not a problem."
-
Brown’s friends and family had warned her against Belafonte, an American film producer who already had previous. In 2003, he pleaded no contest to a charge of battery against his former partner, estate agent Nicole Contreras. He also has convictions for theft and vandalism, and admitted to beating a duck to death with a brick.
-
A winter wasp expires an inch from the summit of its tiny Everest.
-
A homeless descendant of cattle thieves burrows into a decaying dog for Christmas. It's the most wonderful time of the year.
-
Fucking hell
-
He was only a twist of a sausage away from being a broken commodity.
-
Paul Simon wins a retrospective MOBO for ‘niggerous behaviour’.
-
Double-ended explosive emissions as Norovirus invades a Santa's Grotto in Halifax. One of the elves busies himself shoving Tampax (one of Santa's presents) into the kiddies' orifices. The final nail in the coffin for Intu Properties Ltd.
-
An allegation of sexual harassment is settled for "a tenner"
-
John Major’s Christmas card list.
-
A moderately well rendered chalk hopscotch grid finds itself overwhelmed with litres of tepid broth.
-
Glenda Jackson loses her consignment of tennis balls with swear words written on them, but finds her bespoke battleship game based on different sized glanses.
-
A highly vicarious Rod Stewart fan commits suicide by injesting far too much semen.
-
A gangrenous old colonel puts his cock through the wrong slot.
Meanwhile in Nuneaton, a bad penny turns up.
-
At a morbidly obese man's funeral, mourners nod in appreciation at the eulogy opening line "He had a big heart.." without realising that it's merely a reference to the cause of the deceased's death.
-
The coven refuse Nigel entry based on his cock.
-
At a morbidly obese man's funeral, mourners nod in appreciation at the eulogy opening line "He had a big heart.." without realising that it's merely a reference to the cause of the deceased's death.
https://youtu.be/jrFU5wyd_C0
-
A Krypton Factor champion fails to pick out his assailant in a police lineup.
-
Will and Lyra find that the kingdom of heaven is a provincial Waitrose.
-
True desolation... Just about to settle into a nice wank when your schizophrenic friend calls saying they are having a ‘bad evening’.
Always there for a mate but, by my balls don’t half ache.
-
The warm squodge of your left foot going in to a full dog turd.
That’ll take a few days to rinse off. Wiping on the grass will be ineffective.
-
A smirking Gervais sketches out the plot points of the expanded Derek universe.
-
Urban explorers sneak into your house, but soon leave, citing health concerns.
-
Turned away from an all-day breakfast at 8:32am for having dirty eyes.
-
Also 10:13am.
-
The warm squodge of your left foot going in to a full dog turd.
That’ll take a few days to rinse off. Wiping on the grass will be ineffective.
You trail it all over your new plush white carpet when infant child manically insists on playing budget Nintendo.
-
The parlous state of a priest’s arsehole is the point of departure for his sermons.
-
A witless grubber descends into berkdom.
-
3:47pm. "Again, sir... no."
-
Hartlepool, and a blackfaced Greggs 'character' is mistaken for a French spy and hanged.
-
A smirking Gervais sketches out the plot points of the expanded Derek universe.
This really made me laugh when I read it just now, only to realize that it was I who wrote it and had subsequently forgotten.
One of the more tragic things in this thread, I think.
-
This really made me laugh when I read it just now, only to realize that it was I who wrote it and had subsequently forgotten.
One of the more tragic things in this thread, I think.
If you can't laugh at yourself etc etc..
-
The boardroom settles for the big meeting
"Right! Now how do we monetise rats?"
-
The fate of an ambitious invertebrate is sealed by a Stephen Gately CD case blocking its exit from the stockroom of an endangered charity shop.
-
A man opens his haha hamburger shaped telephone to the swiftly announced news of his son's death.
-
^.
-
Monst de Lidl
-
Real life called into the office deso (copyright new jack 2018)
Hi steve, I've just been looking at footage of you repeatedly banging your head against a stack of ab crunchers while talking to Ian yesterday - can you explain this?
I can but I don't want to.
Don't headbutt out stock Stephen, it costs money
OK boss
Names and products changed to protect persons involved/punch up the material
-
They love, and share, and love and love and share, love, love, love, share, share, share: That's how they gave each other herpes.
-
A promising desolation is marred by incorrect capitalisation.
-
The boardroom settles for the big meeting
"Right! Now how do we monetise rats?"
(https://thumbs.gfycat.com/SnappyDapperKob-size_restricted.gif)
-
The latest Christmas number one is sample heavy with various celebrity Jizz noises.
Gervais directs the music video...
-
The latest Christmas number one is sample heavy with various celebrity Jizz noises.
Gervais directs the music video...
but he is kind so that makes it all right
-
You washed it, but your knob cheese grows back like Homer Simpson's stubble.
-
“Arise, Sir Ricky Gervais”
-
(https://ichef.bbci.co.uk/onesport/cps/320/mcs/media/images/64086000/jpg/_64086311_phil-mcnulty_203x152.jpg)
-
A Brass Band in Tesco when you can’t be fucking arsed.
-
A brass band in Tesco and you think "Yes!!! Brilliant!!!"
-
a brass band in CS:GO
-
Tony Martin in the centre seat on Celebrity Squares
-
A brass band in your local CEX.
-
an all male youth brass band only receives encouragement from Willie Thorne
-
Just been sent some Christmas themed tranny scat porn, joy to the world.
Genuinely feel quesy
-
A brass brand, found locked in the 2 Sisters Group walk-in freezer, days after they went in to steal 'a king's ransom in chicken livers'.
-
An impoverished wank grinds out his last few years as a Cum-Swap Technician for a soulless multi-national.
-
Thouroughmere lies in the pond, stuffs a frog in his gullet hoping to choke. His lady hast rejected him once again. His 'lady' being a mossy rock with a frown.
-
A humorous YouTube cover of R.E.M.'s Losing My Religion, sung in the voice of Peter Griffin from Family Guy
-
A brass brand, found locked in the 2 Sisters Group walk-in freezer, days after they went in to steal 'a king's ransom in chicken livers'.
Laughed
-
A brass band in your local CEX.
A brass hand in your local cervix.
-
What has four legs in the morning, two in the afternoon and three at night? Geoff the recreational surgery addict's daughter during a massive bender.
-
Gervais rubs his hands together as a Derke Christmas Special script is accepted by Sky.
-
Low hanging fruit going after Gervais again. DESOLATION!
-
a brass band appears in Derke: The Movie
-
A postman's views are deemed 'problematic' by a committee.
-
Beach Boys obsessive Colin tosses his Dennis Wilson hamster into a rancid fish pond 'for authenticity'.
-
A postman's views are deemed 'problematic' by a committee.
a committee... of brass band members
-
Script idea: Derke tries to blow his own trumpet. Kev pulls a face.
-
Why don't you fools realize that any extension of Derek would be the best thing in the universe.
-
Why don't you fools realize that any extension of Derek would be the best thing in the universe.
because it would always fail. no room for tension or conflict because he is kind
-
You underestimate the genius of Gervais.
Who could forget the classic story arc: Derek sad for some reason, Kev alcoholic simpleton develops interest in robotics build robot dog, Derek now happy!
There's your tension, and conflict? Don't talk to me about conflict. Don't you remember the weekly enemy that would come in and a goodie (not the sketch group) would shout at them? Wow! Conflict out the arse!
We would be SO BLESSED to have a Derek special.
-
An emotionally derelict Grime artist forgets the name of own cat, who is himself currently pre-occupied with more pressing matters, namely trying not to die in a car crusher he has been placed in.
RIP Random Cat, the man ruefully reflects, mid-Toffee Crisp.
-
On Erwin Schrödinger's first day at kindergarten a pack of cats beat him up and steal his lunch.
-
On Erwin Schrödinger's first day at kindergarten a pack of cats beat him up and steal his lunch.
Pavlov and his gang of dogs watch and do nothing to intervene.
-
Overheard desolation on bus:
“Who was sacked?”
“Charlie”
“The one with no teeth?”
“No the gay one”
-
a mother of three stops buying faggots because her husband won't stop with the shit jokes. about being a zombie
-
All the dead Andrex puppies dead in a big pile.
-
All the dead andrex puppies arranged into a furry decomposing NO PARKING sign
-
All the dead andrex puppies animatrized to bark and do flips:
(https://thumbs.gfycat.com/FrightenedBlondChafer-size_restricted.gif)
-
All the dead anthrax puppies
-
The gentle touch of moistly glistening tod against your ringpiece tells you that you have misjudged if there was room for one more in the portaloo.
-
A stricken caretaker sandblasts his fiancé’s cunt in a paddling pool.
-
A beleaguered flautist volleys a smartie up a cat's arse.
-
7am, and a homeless addict tries to negotiate a joint interpretative instrument with a starving rat.
-
Three days of F5-ing and still no reply to your online suicide note.
-
The death of a comedian inspires a parent to shatter frosty rocks with a mallet.
-
A well-known film director and actor breaks the fourth wall during a molestation.
-
A short-lived delusional species launches another sexed-up coffin into the void.
-
Saturday morning and you have nothing better to do than read this.
-
Savile's ghost possesses a cancer ward.
-
An algorithm is set to delete CVs containing the word 'carer'.
-
A man's best friend plunges haplessly into an icy pond and not even captured for YouTube.
-
An oxygenated bubble is penetrated by a ruthless wasp.
-
A grey Dennis thumps a toddler into a gravel pit.
-
Those fucking spackers at Games Workshop have delivered the wrong miniature, and you have D&D this very afternoon.
-
A cardiganned widow abrades an armchair into crusty dust.
-
A half-arsed web causes desiccated corpses to tumble onto your unwashed bed.
-
The girl you loved at school gets rich as an educator in an oppressive state.
-
On an abandoned industrial estate, a Greggs pasty serves as an impromptu ball gag.
-
It's not over 'til the fat lady sings, but you buried her in a shallow grave in EU-funded woodland.
-
A life-bestowing planet tries to negotiate a joint interpretive instrument with a fiery meteor.
-
A joint interpretive instrument is found in the ashes of a civilisation, and immediately tossed aside.
-
A motorway pile-up is the new show runner for Doctor Who. Edit: sorry, should be in Euphoria.
-
Your correct opinions are swatted away like midges on a Scottish holiday.
-
Christmas is ruined by lackluster crackers, a paralysing stroke, and the presence of your relatives.
-
A pound shop Russel Brand seduces your daughter.
-
Sausage Party - 3 stars in TV Choice
Dave buys a 17 pack of knock-down Carling
-
Wednesday 26th January 2005 is considered the most pointless day in history by calendar expert Rob, until he realises it's his next girlfriend's date of birth.
-
Ugly naked guy prepares a noose. All he wanted was to be liked.
-
Purely for ergonomics and no other reason whatsoever, Xander of Galashiels bench-presses within the uneven earth of his uncle's grave.
-
You can never have too many cat corpses, ponders Brenda, in a Rotherham hovel.
No, indeed not, comes the telepathic response of Kathy from Leeds.
That's not telepathy love it's called Skype.
-
A reformed Begbie from Trainspotting opens an upscale restaurant. To keep away the riffraff he calls the place, CUNTS? FUCK OFF!
-
a brain worm leaves yer noodle out yer earhole coz there in't enuff sustenance in there
-
a parasitic alien species steers well clear of erff after intercepting a broadcast of last of the summer wine
-
There are whispers going around about your gait.
-
Not knowing the difference between an egg, an armadillo and an acorn.
-
[proper noun] [verb] an [adjective] [object] [preposition] a [subject]. Desolation.
-
That joke/analysis has been done before. Desolation.
-
The Chicago Cubs start sacrificing children to win more games
-
Dogshit Doritos
-
A pigeon deep-throats a child's entire 99p cone just moments after acquisition.
-
The city of Birmingham changes its name to the city of BARMBARMBARM
-
Pressure cooked semen. In jars and dated, faced perfectly on a racking system in a Margate garage.
-
Pay for Dignitas but they just dump you in a cupboard when the cameras are off.
-
Kathy sells smack to little tiny kids. Kids for fucks sake. Kids. Innocent tiny little kids.
They absolutely lap it up.
-
Rick Waller’s comeback album.
-
A fat, racist tarantula leaps out of a cupboard and shits all over the spatulas.
-
^.
-
Simon the 'thread killer' eats a raw cabbage while considering his next move.
-
A can of Stag Chilli is rammed up your sister's cunt.
-
A can of Stag Chilli is rammed up your sister's cunt.
Your sister is in cold storage so this will extend the shelf life by another 15 years.
-
Dawn French farts in the face of a guide dog
-
A spiteful couple name their first child Detritus
-
An energy drink salesman from Gdansk sets up the tribute act Pole Oakenfold
-
Dawn French farts in the face of a guide dog
Beautiful deso.
-
The city of Birmingham changes its name to the city of BARMBARMBARM
We laughed
-
Schwarz Post-Brexit Bin Juice Marinade, Aldi £17.99
-
Adele's next album is not about the first joyous months of a new romance, or the bitter endgame of one about to crash and burn, but about the bit in the middle that's just ok. Track 7 is called "Do We Need Owt From Morrisons?"
-
Adele's next album is not about the first joyous months of a new romance, or the bitter endgame of one about to crash and burn, but about the bit in the middle that's just ok. Track 7 is called "Do We Need Owt From Morrisons?"
37
-
A spindle of yak cack helixes across a malattended layby.
-
Brenda the Shelf-Gelf descends from her shelf to scavenge half eaten pie crusts and the caramel remnants off chocolate wrappers.
-
The Milkybar kid goes bald
-
A snaggle-toothed farmer fists a ewe with one arm while smashing his other across all the buttons of a slowly sinking fruit machine. His inbred family look on with admiration at his multi-tasking abilities and then drown to death in discount slurry the following day.
-
Derek/Little Britain crossover Christmas special.
Your father roars with laughter throughout.
-
The neighbours' Christmas tree is monstrously large this year. Perched on top is their Polish cleaner, dressed in a gold spray-painted smock and singing Hark the Herald. The Christmas lights are burning her perineum.
-
The entirety of Christian's Christmas shopping was bought from a vending machine in the gents at Weatherspoons.
-
Derek/Little Britain crossover Christmas special.
Your father roars with laughter throughout.
Has to fill in the Mrs Brown's Boys hole somehow...
-
Mick wakes up and the family are already out. Vicks Vapo Rub and Tennent's for breakfast it is.
-
A stentorian gym instructor runs his forefinger up and down the seam of a girl's leotard and drools.
Luckily she isn't wearing it at the time. Unluckily that's because he ripped it from her torso with his metal hands.
-
A paedophilic sexual offender of the body and soul does an immaculate Cruyff turn then vanishes with all of ver evidence.
-
A quivering pail renderer of four foot in stature minces up to Kirsty Alley and asks her to 'sign this glans'.
-
Lightning from The Gladiatorial Television Series misses a rung in a children's playground and three caustic little baboons shriek cruel whoops at her.
-
A Deliveroo wastrel with unfulfilled fisting ambitions spends an hour and a half on his Raleigh trying to successfully deliver a rapidly decomposing egg and chips to Myarsemate, Hendon.
-
Tammy is shown how to use the filter function in Excel by a member of the beaker folk.
-
Chris Hoy accidently cycles down a tunnel and gets wankered by a Nissan Micra.
-
A druid celebrating Winter Solstice at Stonehenge slips over in dog shit and fractures his tail bone. Curses reign and traffic chaos ensues on the nearby A303.
-
The phantom limb of a teenage paraplegic prefers up the arse to regular hand shandies, much to its owners chagrin
-
A truly fantastic wank reaches a disturbing conclusion when the carefully constructed mental image and narrative of a sexy woman at work sucking your nob turns into the face of a retarded relative at the moment of orgasm.
-
A truly fantastic wank reaches a disturbing conclusion when the carefully constructed mental image and narrative of a sexy woman at work sucking your nob turns into the face of a retarded relative at the moment of orgasm.
This is how kinks start!
-
Karl Lagerfeld lives a long and happy life, and his estate is incorporated in Monaco so no need to trouble the taxman.
-
Milverton vows to make his way back onto a comedy discussion forum he was banned from...
-
A man is convinced he can re-enact the video for Rabbit In The Headlights by Unkle. Clyde Tunnel's been shut for two days. He succeeds, apart from the walking away at the end bit. Or breathing
-
Vajazzle is used as a cheaper alternative to cats eyes on a minor road near Immingham.
-
Shirley Bassey grunts at a homeless man in Filey.
-
Shirley Bassey grunts at a homeless man in Filey.
Good one. Filey alone would have done!
-
Good one. Filey alone would have done!
Heh, thanks!
Meanwhile, Geoff Boycott shouts at a Pakistani man in the high street for no good reason.
-
Nope wait, it's about his defensive technique and hideous wife
-
Roger the dolphin careers into the side of a SeaWorld employee who tosses coffee in his fucking face and tells it to fuck right off back to the ocean.
-
Due to a slip of a finger, a bored teenager publicly broadcasts the exact moment Gordon Ramsay calls a sous chef "an absolute fucking abortion" across the fields of the Somme during a remembrance day ceremony.
-
Speaking of Ramses, everything that he says and does in this clip could be an entry to the thread:
https://youtu.be/Mz_01tjBwAE
-
your only Christmas present is a humourous fonts calendar
-
A fat cunt eats a pheasant up a chimney.
-
Aubergines are discontinued by Tescos in Lowestoft due to poor sales.
-
Don Jamon, Jamon y Mas
The mas = sweaty adultery
-
Brian Harvey gets a maggot in his ear in a dream
-
After too many pats on the back and punches to the head, Tyson Fury decides to join UKIP. Paul Ross meanwhile rubs his hands together and gets the meow meow ready...
-
Paul Ross has been a fully paid up BNP member for a decade, and nobody has noticed
-
The BNP eventually notice and end his membership on the basis that "we can't be seen to be associated with people like you".
-
Martin Lewis has to shit in his bag-for-life after a violent diarrhoea attack and spends the next 5 years unsuccessfully suing Tesco for breaching the sale of goods act.
-
Jonathan Ross penetrates Paul Ross’s anus and sphincter again and again and again and again, as the main event in a hastily arranged lay-by sympathy fuck. A trembling portrait-mode video of the event - taken by a trafficked Serbian gay from behind a grime-encrusted fly sheet - wins the Prix Un Certain Regard at the Luton Bumming Festival.
-
Franke Boyle's high pitched titter, on a loop as old Sun articles of his are farted out.
-
Martin Lewis holds up a queue in Debenhams while they try to redeem some vouchers from a competition on the back of a cereal box in 2003. Martin assures everyone that "I could wait here all day".
-
While brainstorming advice for making relationship savings Martin Lewis comes up with "save on blowies by getting a woman to do them voluntarily via a negotiated reciprocal arrangement"
-
Martin Lewis wakes up covered in traveller's cheques. The moisture from his clammy night terror has invalidated many of them. He opens up a great roar into the spectral ether.
Later on he Googles his own name to see if there is any way out of sustaining a permanent financial loss.
-
Because a supermarket trolley won't give Martin Lewis his "favourite" pound coin back, he walks home with it claiming "I have clearly now legally purchased it". He brags about it on Instagram but very soon the police are round. He vows not to forget this and five years later he pins some cheesewire along a thoroughfare.
-
Cinema staff bust Martin Lewis for having a bomber jacket filled to the brim with cheaper food he purchased not half an hour ago with some cereal packet vouchers.
"This is legal!", He protests. "What law am I breaking?"
"Sir, you either eat them outside or bin them here"
He eats them outside. He attempts to access a 20% refund for having missed the first 10% of the film. He is unsuccessful but hopeful of winning a payout on appeal which includes recompense for his own time following the matter up.
-
Martin Lewis spends Boxing Day trying to work out if you can access financial relief if your parakeet dies in the first few days of its purchase. It is perfectly healthy.
-
Martin Lewis' top tip for a premium hand car wash that doesn't cost the Earth is "Kosovans"
-
Martin Lewis stakes out the area manager of Heron with night vision goggles he got "for being Martin Lewis".
It's Jurassic Park, he tells himself over and over again. It's just like Jurassic Park.
-
Martin Lewis gleefully informs his prating assembly of drool-caked savings droids that "it may be limited to five bags of icing sugar per customer, but what's to stop your partner going in after you? Ten bags right there. Your sister? Fifteen bags. Your brother? Twenty bags. That's fifteen up on the deal already. Your golf caddy? Twenty five bags. Your dad? Thirty. And so on. And the best thing? If stored properly icing sugar lasts indefinitely, which is posh for forever".
-
Martin Lewis notices the customs official taking a second glance at his emergency travel document (long story).
Lewis smirks. "Yes, that's right. I am he."
It is Montenegro. Darko has no idea who this fucking cunt thinks he is.
-
Martin Lewis lingers at the close of Reading Festival, "because we all love a free tent don't we savers".
No-one else is close by or listening to him.
-
During a power cut Lewis tells his family "we are legally entitled to power" and his family shout in unison to shut the fuck up.
He skulks off to find new outrages in the Swindon gloom.
-
Katie removes the Sainsbury's Taste The Difference Belgian Chocolate Fudge Cake from its box and lovingly unwraps the cellophane. She's been waiting five days for this, it's been hidden at the back of the cupboard all the while the relatives have been staying, and now they're finally gone she can enjoy it all on her own. Delicately she unfastens and peels the cardboard strip from the cake's circumference and places it on the kitchen table. But oh, in doing so she loses her grip on the cake itself, fumbles it and sees it drop to the floor. It rolls across the lino and settles upside-down on the other side of the kitchen. And because the kitchen floor is so fucking filthy, with cat hairs everywhere, it's in no state to be rescued.
Still, thinks Katie, after regarding the scene with horror... at least I can still scrape the icing off the cardboard strip from around the cake's circumference. But turning round she sees her cat has mounted the kitchen table and licked most of it away.
-
During a power cut Lewis tells his family "we are legally entitled to power" and his family shout in unison to shut the fuck up.
He skulks off to find new outrages in the Swindon gloom.
Bloody hell, Shoulders! You could start a whole new thread/world of Martin Lewis' adventures in desolation land. (C) dex.
-
Martin Lewis lingers at the close of Reading Festival, "because we all love a free tent don't we savers".
No-one else is close by or listening to him.
I laughed.
-
“Say what you like about gulags, opines Martin Lewis through a faceful of out-of-date Asda sausage rolls, “they certainly made some savings!”
-
The Slovakian government finally bows to pressure and allows the creation of a gay quarter in the capital city, but insists on it being named Battyslava
-
An Indian restaurant reopens after cleaning out its cockroach-infested poppadum warmer.
(Scroll down for pics: https://www.edp24.co.uk/news/politics/diss-tandoori-reopens-following-cockroach-infestation-1-5834628)
-
After refusing to accept return of a half eaten Mars Ice Cream (minor defect on wrapper) Martin Lewis informs the store manager of BestOne in Pudsey that, "I will break you."
-
A lackluster butter dog is tossed from a 50th floor suite, yelping all the way.
-
The New Year sees an Eddie-Large-faced spinster put renewed energy into the whole drinking herself to death on Lidl vodka thing.
A Robin twitches and expires in a mousetrap in a cunt’s bird bath.
-
Martin Lewis finds that Energy Drink doesn't give dead parents energy, or indeed life.
-
A man spends his New Year’s Day googling Martin Lewis.
-
Martin Lewis decides to get off his cunt on premium strength lager. Tesco value lager, readers!!
-
Martin Lewis joins a Barbershop Quartet that turns out to be a front for Chemsex parties.
One 'practise session' later and his arsehole is left in tatters.
-
Took me ages to work out there wasn't supposed to be any consumer rights angle in your post.
-
Ahh, but this is Martin Lewis the former newsreader.
-
Martin Lewis goes to cut his lawn with his new, bargain, petrol lawnmower.
Instead, he huffs the petrol until he begins to hallucinate that Monty Don is helping him sort used scratchcards.
He eventually vomits all down his Craghopper 3/4 length shorts.
-
Martin Lewis goes to cut his lawn with his new, bargain, petrol lawnmower.
Instead, he huffs the petrol until he begins to hallucinate that Monty Don is helping him sort used scratchcards.
He eventually vomits all down his Craghopper 3/4 length shorts.
Is this Martin Lewis the consumer rights champion or Martin Lewis the former newsreader?
-
Police attend a house to find a 'quite embarrassed' man throwing furniture at a spider, alone.
https://www.theguardian.com/environment/2019/jan/02/australian-man-screaming-at-spider-why-dont-you-die-triggers-full-police-response (https://www.theguardian.com/environment/2019/jan/02/australian-man-screaming-at-spider-why-dont-you-die-triggers-full-police-response)
(from the end of the article. it is not reported whether his name was Martin Lewis or not.)
-
After an exhaustive 8 month hunt in Llandudno, Martin Lewis finally executes, cooks and then eats the seagull that stole the flake off his ice cream in April 2018.
It's disgusting and his energy is only sustained by cruel guffaws as he mocks the various pieces of seagull matter that are making difficult transit through his body.
He tweets the sweat, dribble and pus oozing from his crazed visage with the strapline "The consumer ALWAYS wins."
That, he remarks, is Justice.
-
Martin Lewis emails himself for some consumer advice regarding a poorly fitted cat flap.
He doesn't respond.
-
You smell like diarrhea. Your dad eats gravy with everything. You were hatched from a dog egg. He's done crying himself to sleep. The motorway bridge railing is a hard, cold climb for his little legs and hands, but he manages it, eventually.
-
A Radio 5 Live montage.
-
You smell like diarrhea. Your dad eats gravy with everything. You were hatched from a dog egg. He's done crying himself to sleep. The motorway bridge railing is a hard, cold climb for his little legs and hands, but he manages it, eventually.
That is horrendous. Keep up the good work.
-
Having been returned under the company's no quibble returns policy (not completely satisfied), an Ann Summers Anal Training Kit (£24.99) is given a wipe down and put back on the shelf.
Alternative version: Martyn Lewis tries to return an Anal Training Kit (£24.99) to Ann Summers and is told to explain why he is not completely satisfied.
-
Mid-way through his 10,000th internet post about plot holes in a Star Wars film, 46 year old Wookie_66 realises it was just made for kids.
-
Tim Wonnacott tosses a rotten lunch banana into a baby's carriage.
-
A waning Paul Ross demands a "full bell pic" before he will have his anus anywhere near it. "You heard".
-
Ainsley Harriot serves up Rustlers burgers at a Rhyl burger van. Vaporwave plays on a shitty mobile phone speaker to perk things up.
-
Martin Lewis is in Rhyl and holds up the queue at Ainsley's burger van for 45 minutes, arguing that he bought the burger in the belief it was grilled. As it is a Rustlers burger, it is microwaved and as such Martin has full licence to request a refund in his own mind.
"You're finished, pal. No amount of being a meme will protect you now!"
"You can fuck off, mate."
-
"Excuse me, mate!"
You turn your head around only to have Paul Ross expertly slap his cock round your mush.
Only went out for a bloody walk!
-
Keith's only half happy moment of the 21st century was his dream of being dressed up as a Japanese school girl and being struck by businessmen wielding briefcases. Keith is woken up by a Virgin Media engineer shaking his head and wagging a finger.
-
Keith's only half happy moment of the 21st century was his dream of being dressed up as a Japanese school girl and being struck by businessmen wielding briefcases. Keith is woken up by a Virgin Media engineer shaking his head and wagging a finger.
Laughed.
-
A hated step-child grubs about under the fridge for dropped Cheerios.
A man has his head bashed in with a can of Asda chicken soup following a disagreement about the best way to make Smash.
A woman with Bells Palsy cries into a handful of losing scratchcards whilst watching a Bullseye marathon on a 14" CRT TV in Blackpool.
-
A Japonaise who shits through a slit in her side asks a stranger to hold her colostomy bag as she ascends 862 steps of Köln cathdral. Halfway up he can feel freshly excreted contents between his hands.
Fankoo Aran
"...no worries love"
-
A sauropterygian beast of the briny has to repeat "plesiosaur, not pleasuresaur" during being raped by a megadon, but the only sounds that emerge are crushed squeaks in the deep.
-
A bald fat woman from Tilburg who mostly watches darts and farts reckons she could sort all this immigrant shit out in like an hour. But deep down she is pleased to see her fisted gunt trending on xhamster.
-
A Balinese wellness guru grabs a Ferrari dealer by the throat with a flick-knife. He secures the glovebox upgrade he desires. Martin Lewis views the scene from afar, taking notes.
-
A hellmouth is identified at Prague-Holesovice Metro station but this as it would cause onerous administration work to resolve it is just sort of left. 3 months later a coal-caked Paul Daniels emerges through the pit and snaps the knuckles of the nearest gay, promising "more of that to come"
-
A genderqueer fashion-tyrant declares she has "done Milan" after a brief circuit around the centre between Ubers.
That's Milan, Shropshire.
-
Gary 2 Watford 0
-
A disabled nonce fingers a passing teenager with a phantom limb
-
Having tasted the delicious Chelsea buns, Mary Berry congratulates herself on a creative use for her yeast infection.
-
a minor celebrity, famous in the 90s, dies twenty years after failing to fulfill a promise to emigrate if Them Lot got back in government. The lazy cunt.
-
And on that farm, he had ten sex workers, E-I-E-I-O.
-
A dusty box of 70s childhood photos, none of the adults are smiling.
-
An man's tactic of responding to all the allegations of sexual harassment at his tribunal by adding the remark "...like an absolute boss" after every charge is laid out is tedious at first, but after a while titters are heard behind the bench and he is cleared of all wrongdoing.
Sophie weeps in the stalls.
-
It's especially irritating as he is actually Sophie's boss.
-
'Oh my god, that's Carole Cadwalladr … and it looks like … no … it looks like … she's eating … our cat … '
-
"Weston-super-Mare's No.1 Harry Potter fan" auto-sods in front of Loose Women.
-
While peering down to grab the jumbo sausage from his tray, the battered article develops a face and voice and shouts back DEEE YA WANNA FOCKIN GO???
-
A man haunted by an anthropomorphised jumbo sausage ties a brick to his leg.
The original thought was to drown himself but now he is weighed down even further as his batter-strewn assailant stalks his existence.
-
A man calls his jumbo sausage stalker Grendy
-
Old 'shoes for gloves' is out on the gloam again. Third night running. A forgotten After Eight melts in his taint.
-
Bill's discovery of a half eaten packet of 2008 Hobnobs in a shoe box, under some water stained paperbacks, is considered the win of 2019.
-
I like those "Barratt Homes" says Emily
-
Ruth goes into the attic to discover her collection of early Stereolab albums have been nibbled to fuck by bastard squirrels.
-
A PornHub search for "Alex Salmond" yields 2 results.
-
A PornHub search for "Alex Salmond" yields 2 results.
Both 'tributes'.
-
John Leslie puts you in a dress and hurts you.
-
Real life one:
Talking to someone in work today, as he was speaking, one of his teeth fell out.
He didn't notice, carried on talking.
Alarmed, I pointed at the floor, and without interrupting his speech, he waived a little 'dont
worry about it' gesture, he picked the tooth up, walked over to the bin, put it in the bin,
carried on talking
-
John Leslie puts you in a dress and hurts you.
Fucking hell!
-
Sucks the juice out of the bottom of the food bin with a paper straw. Then recycles the straw.
-
At the fat orgy, people are forced to make a human rope ladder over your massive bulk so they can get to someone they actually want to fuck.
-
True desolation - a special needs kid got into my mates car and did a shit. The kid then smeared the shit all over the inside of the car. The parents tried to laughter it off (to get out of the paying a cleaning bill) then threatened my mate with the police when he continued to reason with them about paying to clean the car.
-
A piece of erotic Ken Hom fan fiction wins the Nobel Prize
-
Piers Morgan pays "good money" (sic) to get a suck job off a trafficked nail bar technician while slapping her about with a pork chop, then shouts at her that she's a "PC-infested Feminazi" when she refuses to swallow.
-
To his eternal chagrin, a large gammon joint saves the life of a very politically active young leftist.
Gammons - not so bad now eh, his Dad says
Shut up Adolf
-
At a critical moment you get a strap on in the eye
-
At a critical moment you get a strap on in the eye
Traces a thin line of your own watery shit across to your ear
-
A piece of erotic Ken Hom fan fiction wins the Nobel Prize
The Peace Prize.
-
At the awards ceremony
Nick Nolte: Is Ken Hom short for Kenneth Homosexual?
Ken Hom: No Nick it is not
Nick Nolte: Oh. Well here is your award then, bye
-
Piers Morgan pays "good money" (sic) to get a suck job off a trafficked nail bar technician while slapping her about with a pork chop, then shouts at her that she's a "PC-infested Feminazi" when she refuses to swallow.
Surely she'd be a PM-infected Feminazi? Likely it was Piers who bought over the super gonorrhea from Thailand.
-
A spelt wholesaler prays to a defiled Bart Simpson clock
-
Jarvis from Pulp looks 90 and has claws now.
(https://i.guim.co.uk/img/media/d27d13c0ca9c4a1ac6d6500e757d7007b48a7e54/0_116_3500_2100/master/3500.jpg?width=620&quality=85&auto=format&fit=max&s=120e6ce597bb36d2725016f3f90aece3)
-
A glance in the mirror suggests you look like a 3rd phase Bloodborne boss all covered in blood and shite, but it's probably the bulb needs replacing, yeah that'll do it.
-
Jarvis from Pulp looks 90 and has claws now.
(https://i.guim.co.uk/img/media/d27d13c0ca9c4a1ac6d6500e757d7007b48a7e54/0_116_3500_2100/master/3500.jpg?width=620&quality=85&auto=format&fit=max&s=120e6ce597bb36d2725016f3f90aece3)
His massive glasses and ironic “grandad” clothes become less ironic every year. He looks very unwell.
-
His massive glasses and ironic “grandad” clothes become less ironic every year. He looks very unwell.
Yeah, I'm horrified. It's like a Mark E Smith cosplay that's gone too far.
-
A waste of space moaning about circumcision in a field
-
Biology lab technician Alan slowly drops his trousers and resolves to find out just how tight a gnat's chuff actually is.
-
Shagging loads of cats over the weekend
-
A lollipop man's sad penis pays out a long, thick cable of semen across the road outside a school. Children use it as a skipping rope.
-
A white dog shit full of undigested peas hits a century against England.
-
Piers Morgan discovers that his co-workers call him "Piss Gorgon" behind his back, and finds that he really, really likes that. He buys a cape and starts doing kegel exercises.
-
Your nan adopts a yorkshire terrorist and calls him "Tina".
-
Somewhere on the tundra, Ross Kemp whittles a squirrel into a peg and slams it through the ice sheet with a harsh cry.
-
Chris Eubank joins the IRA.
-
A teacher takes a class of tantruming dwarves to a construction site to "get really deaf".
-
Chico lays a mile of tarmac through Sherwood Forest
-
“Arise, Sir Hamster ‘The Richard’ Hammond.”
-
Tom Zanetti watches his mum fall to her death from the balcony of their flat and saying “o well nvr mind lol” and sitting down to eat 56 twixes.
-
Your nan gets hustled at the bingo.
-
A nun gets hassled with a banjo.
-
Bit of real life deso from student days.
Using an unclean Fray Bentos tin as an ashtray and centre-piece of your living room for 3+ months, at the insistence of Steve from Middlesbrough.
-
Bit of real life deso from student days.
Using an unclean Fray Bentos tin as an ashtray and centre-piece of your living room for 3+ months, at the insistence of Steve from Middlesbrough.
Clatty bastard. We used a Heinz pudding tin.
-
Clatty bastard. We used a Heinz pudding tin.
You can get way more cheap cig ends in the Bentos vessel.
Think on.
-
Oor Wullie has grown into a 62 year old man, but still wears dungarees and sits on his upturned bucket all day, staring vacantly into the middle distance.
-
A cashstrapped council brainstorm whether it's possible to make pauper's funerals part of the bulk uplift service.
-
Chico lays a mile of tarmac through Sherwood Forest
Laughed
-
Your regular Hermes delivery driver keeps giving you weight loss tips, unbidden. It wouldn't be so bad if you weren't anorexic.
-
Your regular Hermes delivery driver keeps giving you weight loss tips, unbidden. It wouldn't be so bad if you weren't anorexic.
A Wakefield itinerant curls up and dies in a plastics recycling bin, irreversibly contaminating it's contents. These leads to the cancellation of a batch of 5,000 dildos, destined for the needy of Devon and Cornwall.
-
A wellington boot filled with cobwebs and daffodil bulbs is declared your legal gauardian. It nonces you up.
-
Johnny orders taramasalata for pudding.
-
Farooq eats all eggs like all eggs with the shell and everything mmm yummy yum yums
-
Johnny orders taramasalata for pudding.
'Not until you've finished your McNuggets, Johnny.'
-
Martin's got loads of little nuggets of shit stuck to his arse pubes again
-
“A woman was banned from a local Walmart store after she spent several hours driving an electric shopping cart around the store’s parking lot while drinking wine from a Pringles can.”
At 9am.
https://www.bostonglobe.com/news/nation/2019/01/14/texas-woman-drinking-wine-from-pringles-can-banned-from-walmart-store/ticSkjshSSJ1ci7cIx7JzK/story.html
-
A pilled up teenage girl snaps her neck perfectly in half attempting to accurately dance to a song being played at 1.5x speed on youtube. "Nice moves, lass" whispers the coroner into her bloody neck stump.
-
The Pope outlaws dabbing.
-
The Pope enthusiastically promotes dabbing.
-
The Pope enthusiastically promotes dabbing.
In noncing...
-
A Braintree admin assistant LARPing as Muriel of Redwall set her dog (LARPing as a different breed of dog) on an asylum seeker.
-
Two ants are executed by their peers for 'gaying' the queen.
-
Septus IX is asked whether he preferred being a "persecuted gay man" or "finishing last on GeoGuessr"
His state of the art communications aid takes 44 years to process the answer by which time the person who asked the question is now soil.
-
Gerry's adrenaline spikes and his stomach involuntarily tightens as he passes a bank of TV sets in Currys' window that are showing a news report which features a badly wrapped decomposing corpse of a child being dragged from the Praia da Luz harbour.
-
Your sister drunkenly admits to noshing off Nick Griffin in the early 2000's.
-
A mistimed pirouette causes a ballet troupe to descend into genocide.
-
A cat rejects Ian's plea for clemency. Then kills him.
-
Martin Lewis sues the manufacturer of a telescope after not being able to see "all the stars through it".
-
Martin Lewis tracks down and hits a musician with his car, after seeing her give an interview about how she wishes more people bought music instead of streaming it. "You should be happy with your cut from spotify - the consumer comes first!" he screams out the window before speeding away, but as he takes off he hears the meek cry of "...but I have a mortgage..." so he slams on the breaks, says to himself "now THAT I can help you with" winks to himself in the mirror and turns the car around.
-
Geoffrey Boycott makes a sculpture of himself from his own faeces. "Every part of me is greatness", he says.
-
The phrase 'You got this' is used in the context of inciting a family drowning.
-
Having to explain "assgasm" to the priest during confession.
-
Horrific press photos of badly-beaten pensioner, Enid Trunk, 86, give you the right horn. Turning to google images to feed your new fetish, the search box’s autocomplete suggestions indicate yours is a well-trodden path.
-
Having to explain "assgasm" to the priest during confession.
While he gives you one.
-
ONE PROPERTY FOUND IN YOUR PRICE RANGE:
Property Description:
Humble private room in great location near the city center. Walkable distance to Wenceslas square.
More information:
• DO NOT BOOK IF YOU MIND DOGS, DOG'S HAIR OR IF YOU ARE ALLERGIC TO DOGS! Dog hair is everywhere! Even on freshly washed bed sheets!
• The space is used during the day for commercial use - community center for dog owners and small shop.
• Weak devices can have problem with wi-fi connection. You can use them in shared living room where is better connection.
• NO WINDOWS IN THE ROOM!
-
"It was freezing and everyone was just waking past this poor guy, like he didn't exist. So I stopped to talk to him and he told me that he just needed some money for a B&B for the night, and how the council won't help him, so I gave him a fiver. I mean, how difficult is it to help someone out a bit - what happened to showing a bit of basic humanity, some decency towards another human?"
As she is telling her friend this, Dave is slowly dying from the dodgy half wrap of heroin he used her fiver to buy, cut with fentanyl as it turns out. Just before he takes his last shuddering breath he thinks "She had cracking tits, that last one".
-
I take bogeys, scabs, sweat, dandruff, piss, shit, cum, bile, saliva, ear wax, pus, and vomit and whittle the dried out dessicates into creatures of the deep for cash.
Who am I?
I'm Diane Louise Jordan!
-
An unusually raucous air con air change has Pete thinking of the lonely void his mother has recently passed into, but will never escape from.
-
In the year 2063, matron has organised a noughties indie night as a special treat for the old folks in the home. After enjoying a trip down memory lane soundtracked by the heavenly sounds of the Pigeon Detectives, Little Man Tate, and The Enemy, the highlight of the evening is upon us - a live performance by none other than ...omg...The View!
As the cheering subsides, a wizened old Dundonian man hirples towards the microphone. He clears his throat and manages to croak out “eh’ve had the same jeans on for fower days noo...” before promptly pissing himself.
-
Still In Stock: The Claudio Ranieri 2019 naked calendar! See the manager man you love, posing artistically next to to a different bald man named Lester in a different part of Fulham every month. Order before the end of January to get a free Polaroid of Darren Bent with a beach ball balanced on his erection. Stock remaining: 249997 of 250000
-
A bitter custody battle over a pair of Andy Murray's diarrhoea-autographed tennis shorts.
-
Jim Davidson and his henchmen messily bukkake a CPR dummy during some down time at a rape crisis benefit gig.
-
A dog with a leg for a tail that kicks itself in the arse everytime it's excited.
-
Conga at a Leper colony.
-
Russell Grant spends an entire £75 WH Smiths gift voucher on sixty eight soon-to-expire Cadbury selection boxes, a hunky fireman calendar and a pair of scissors.
-
Russell Grant spends an entire £75 WH Smiths gift voucher on sixty eight soon-to-expire Cadbury selection boxes, a hunky fireman calendar and a pair of scissors.
While he is paying for all this, the till operative persuades him to buy some 'discounted' Dairy Milk
-
Jim Davidson and his henchmen messily bukkake a CPR dummy during some down time at a rape crisis benefit gig.
Fucking hell
-
A man with a face everyone agrees is "far from satisfactory" goes around hipster pubs clandestinely distributing nazi propaganda.
-
An annoying hipster is hammered to death with a 3 pound ball peen hammer. As the blows rain down on his face, caving it in and then eventually killing him, the killer is informed the camera failed and the footage failed to capture on Liveleak.com
-
Bit of real life deso: My mate Chris tweeted about how exited he is to be watching Gervais in St Albans next month. Different folks, different strokes and all that but I expected better from him.
-
Top deso day for the corgis as Phillip survives another clanger and takes out his frustrations in fucking them senseless.
-
A man injects his teenage son's clumsily discarded semen in a bid to overcome his impotence.
-
The greatest defensive third baseman of all time is born into servitude in 11th century Poland. He is haunted by dreams of advanced sabermetrics he doesn’t understand, and is eventually polished off by a localized cholera outbreak.
-
Louise can only run on the spot, cartoon-like, as the twins scamper up onto the sheets, toward her honey puddle.
-
The greatest defensive third baseman of all time is born into servitude in 11th century Poland. He is haunted by dreams of advanced sabermetrics he doesn’t understand, and is eventually polished off by a localized cholera outbreak.
+1
-
Shirley Bassey fucks a tonne of rotten heron over the fence of a chav.
-
Your nan dismisses you as a "bumbaclart".
-
Billy Bragg kills a vegan.
-
The greatest defensive third baseman of all time is born into servitude in 11th century Poland. He is haunted by dreams of advanced sabermetrics he doesn’t understand, and is eventually polished off by a localized cholera outbreak.
Excellent.
-
(https://i.imgur.com/6pgxxWI.png)
-
A bag for life is used as a bag for death.
-
Beer users gather in pubs to watch grown men fight with weasels
-
A bag for life is used as a bag for death.
Local newspaper editor proclaims blood sacrifice of homeless man and "brave" but far-too-trusting disabled youngster to the God of Headlines "well worth it"
-
We’re getting very close to page 100.
I’d like to pitch “Desolation V: The Foetid Caves” for the next one.
-
A snooker man's sperm attaches to a discarded Mini Egg
-
~~~ This is for the fucktards, the 'ey up loves', the banterbros, the chinbeards, the no johnnies love i don't like the feel, the 3am vommers, the tosspots, the full kit wankers, here's to you Mister Knocked Her Up At 17, the four lagers please, the Gary of London Town, raise a glass for the closet racists, the belm impressionista, the cheeky Nandos, the duvet day, the McIntyre DVD of the soul, the meat and two veg, the chug forfeiteers, the hope it goes away, England's Lion! ~~~
-
Selling the contents of Nigel Farages ashtray on eBay for six grand.
-
The mangled corpses of Rod, Jane and Freddy are left outside Broadcasting House as a warning.
-
(https://i144.photobucket.com/albums/r165/shanequentin/vinyl%202/IMG_20190121_094658969_zpszmhk4ayf.jpg)
some British Homes are now outside the store
-
A paedophile declares he is "Confused.com" after the intangible line between ephebophilia and paedophilia is outlined to him academically by a patient work colleague. Don't try it mate. It won't stand up in court. Mind you, neither will little Neil.
-
^ bleaker than bleak last line, that one.
-
Left the house today to go to Speke.
-
An ampute from the hip down walrus expert diagnoses his phantom penis with phimosis.
-
Julian Clary's best friend becomes a Skutter.
-
MY RAIL-REPLACEMENT BUS STOPPED
IN ROCK FERRY
FOR TEN MINUTES
WHICH WAS SUFFICENT TIME
FOR ME TO SOBER UP
-
Eggy cum
-
MY RAIL-REPLACEMENT BUS STOPPED
IN ROCK FERRY
FOR TEN MINUTES
WHICH WAS SUFFICENT TIME
FOR ME TO SOBER UP
Window into my life c. 2013.
-
Window into my life c. 2013.
I genuinely think it's a Linux into my life circa now.
Have you trawled through Birkenhead lad? It has something of the fetid about it.
- Disgusted
Tony L,
Ellesmere Port
-
December 2013. Your (my) Wirral Line train stops at Rock Ferry because the rails are frozen so you have to stand in the snow for an hour waiting for the rail replacement bus. When the bus finally arrives, a smelly Mormon sits next to you and spends the entire journey looking disapprovingly at the book you're reading.
-
After an inhumane shite-ton of peasant's breakfast, Humboldt's already winnowing gastric perforations break fast.
-
A tearful Judith asks the clinic to dispose of Craig's frozen sperm after having the fourth Downs foetus in a row hoovered out of her.
-
A balloon with the details of Carl's one true erect penis measurement and home address lingers slowly in front of a popular panorama.
-
A Desolation post ends up in the wrong thread
-
Bummed at Australian punk night AGAIN
-
An unused mop in an unused bucket in an unused janitor's cupboard in a boarded up school in a run down town.
Janitor was done for noncing on the first day of school, shot down the classroom, rampaged through town.
The mop becomes sentient, forced to reenact that day for time immemorial.
-
Returning to the barbers for years after you've lost all of your hair because you like the seats.
-
“How did the surgery go?”
“Brilliant I came three times 😍”
-
Storming out of an Italian restaurant because they won’t let you eat your meal off the floor like a prick
-
The letter confirming your son’s leukaemia is written in Comic Sans.
-
A chip shop girl dies of passive heart disease.
-
A pickled egg hatches
An emojified gravestone
A club treasurer wears a pirate outfit to Spoons
17,000 unprocessed Christmas turkeys are fed to their bastard lonely children
-
Ejected from a Turkish restaurant on its opening night for smashing up the plates.
-
A man named Chip is called “Chips” by all of his friends and colleagues, and they don’t even realise they’re in the wrong.
-
The Savile- Hitlers of Mozambique have basically ignored the last one hundred years and not for the reasons you think..... they died in 1923, Hahahahahahahahahaha. Some pun obsessed real ale drinkers halitosis told me this joke on the weekend.
-
The last photograph you will ever take will be an out of focus shot of a black bird on a bird bath.
-
Gareth demands a refund from Elite Singles after his date asks the waiter in Claridges if they "do cheesy chips".
-
Desolation V: The Oort Cloud
anyone?
-
Phil and Liz in the 69 position
-
(https://pbs.twimg.com/media/DxsXs10WkAEkLG2?format=jpg&name=small)
(https://pbs.twimg.com/media/DxsXs1xX4AIbcIj?format=jpg&name=small)
-
Desolation V: The Oort Cloud
anyone?
Desolation V: The Fetid Caverns
My final offer.
-
I preferred Foetid Caves, that gets my vote.
-
A grave-weevil heaves a polyp from its ghast-wracked interior and goes to bed on a scratchcard
-
Your intimate partner announces their intention to start measuring your GDP in the following areas: Economic Contribution, Domestic Contribution, Sexing. Also their intention to travel to Davos annually, with that person next door who they're a bit too flirty with, to analyse the data and discuss any remedial action required.
-
A zombie marriage stumbles around the Yeovil area for 8 years.
Scarborough news headline: Raffle win a change of luck for cot death couple?
A 48 year old incel gets blanked by the abyss.
-
A gymkhana is disrupted by a man going CHEERS DRIVEH
-
Desolation V: No New Hope
-
A butcher makes wobble-lipped machine gun noises whilst deshouldering a lamb
-
A teenager who has just sat his final A-Level exam happily skips over a pavement dog turd on the way home for his favourite lunch and in doing so has his head removed by a bus’s wing mirror.
-
A gymkhana is significantly improved by a man walking in and going CHEERS DRIVEH
-
A man spends an obscene amount of money on a dying man’s underpriced Wurlitzer before gloating about his purchase to a forum of mentally ill bald men and women.
-
A televangelist receives a monthly residual of $0.56 after assisting in a porn scam
-
Desolation V: The Kuiper Belt
-
Due to budget cuts and also to spare officers' feelings and the risk of going on long term sick, Michael receives a call from an automated service firstly telling him about all the benefits of having a Barclays ISA before informing him that his next of kin has died in a fatal RTC.
Days later the calls still come in because Michael failed to press 1 at the end of the recording to acknowledge the call was received.
(DESOLATION V: The Fecal Position)
-
The Deso Scrolls V: Skygrim
-
The Deso Scrolls V: Skygrim
Yeah. I can get behind this one.
-
DESOLATION _ V FESTIVAL
-
he's changed his diet and now just eats crisps
-
A depraved North Wales chef kicks a monkey and what remains of said primate's tract off a motorway bridge. Someone else can sort it out. He phones Sandór.
-
Loved up, laid back party vibe ruined by arrival of ESSIX cunts.
-
A Jesuit scribe cracks open a PalmPilot to feast on the innards.
-
The exiled poet laureate of an island that celebrates the theatre of Andrew Loyd Webber above everything else rows his dinghy up to the padlocked doors of Tim Rice's house and expires, moaning something about "Maria".
-
"The Frog Song (We All Stand Together)" plays through for the twelfth consecutive time upstairs, unbearably loud, but somehow not loud enough to drown out your ex-grirlfriend's cries of fudd-filled pleasure as her new man collapses her like a camper bed, and you funnel vodka into your anus in the kitchen, jealous of the dead flies under the fridge.
-
Setting an alarm for every 2 minutes of the day to remind you that your alarm works
-
Throwing all your money in the bin because you just can't afford it
A girl on tinder tells you she really likes homes under the hammer so on your first date you smash the shit out of her house with a sledgehammer to impress her
Refusing your dream job because you're scared you'll forget what bus to get
A homeless man asks you for some spare change so you sign your mortgage to him and let him shag your bird and daughter
-
You play that game where you pretend to steal your nephew's nose. But when you open your hand you see the bloody ripped off piece of cartilage. You don't hear his screams, there is a neverending metallic drone playing in your head as you stare into space.
-
A filthy muck munching golden labrador's venomous midnight emission kills it's kindly owner it's their sleep.
-
You play that game where you pretend to steal your nephew's nose. But when you open your hand you see the bloody ripped off piece of cartilage. You don't hear his screams, there is a neverending metallic drone playing in your head as you stare into space.
you snap back to reality. a nice house, self owned. on your own. a quiet neighbourhood, a steady management job, part time, but full time wages. free to do what you will with the rest of your middle age. but four times a day, you're back there, not long into adulthood and mutilating a child's face. replayed over and over. no motivation, no cause, no reason. he made the papers for the surgery. there's always booze, but the functional side wears off after about a month. not going there again.
-
You wake up on Tuesday and all your pubes have turned white.
-
To the growing concern of his teachers, little Ethan has once again spent his hour in Arts and Crafts fashioning the solitary bollock of a fully grown man from papier mache.
-
A mouse in a glue trap is given 12 hours to get himself out before the kitchen staff consider him fair fucks for sandwich filling.
-
Being peer pressured into pouring acid on your dick because your mate said "GO on, it's horrible trust me"
A pubic hair scandal is uncovered when 24 men from Batley are caught red handed cultivating pubes in a garage
-
On hearing it again, everyone realises that Rolf Harris was singing 'Noncing Matilda' all along, it's just that no-one really noticed at the time.
-
On hearing it again, everyone realises that Rolf Harris was singing 'Noncing Matilda' all along, it's just that no-one really noticed at the time.
A man gets 'Noncing Matilda' stuck in his head just before leaving for work.
-
Paul Ross feels bad having one over the famous napalm girl Phan Thị Kim Phúc but then stops. "Why shouldn't I? I work hard."
-
Disneytas
-
Berlusconi trepanns skulls for him to teabag, all the while honking his catchphrase "Heeeyyy im no saint!"
Most of the victims are from Benin, lured in by the promise of gratis mp3 downloads.
-
A mortician falls in love at work.
-
A dad is emasculated by his daughter's rheumy gerbil.
-
While clearing out her bungalow, your find your Nan’s porn stash.
-
While clearing out her bungalow, your find your Nan’s porn stash.
Definitely had that one before
-
While cleaning out your nan, you find your old Quorn stash.
-
While clearing out your porn, you find your old nan's tash.
You drop your trousers.
-
BERCAN BUTTEH
BERCAN BUTTEBERCAN BUTTEH
BERCAN BUTTEH
BERCAN BUTTEH
Greta Thunberg's parents are just thankful she's saying anything at this point.
-
Tarzan versus the Paedo Hunters
-
Definitely had that one before
Convergent evolution of deso.
-
An embattled Avon lady falls down a flight of stairs in her apartment building. After two days of howling, pleading agony, an irate neighbour finally storms out of his room and caves her skull in with a hammer.
-
Archaeologists reveal Stone Henge was created at great expense solely as a venue for Bronze Age noncing.
-
Think we’re over here now btw. At 100 pages.
https://www.cookdandbombd.co.uk/forums/index.php/topic,71389.0.html
-
A corpse watches the Brookside Omnibus.
-
A gran in heat kicks the fuck out of a bin.
-
The human equivalent of Darude’s Sandstorm burps on a skank.
-
Manimal’s grandma, Granimal, bollocks him for turning into an eagle when it’s time for her sponge bath.
-
Sports Direct advent calendar.
-
Just want to say this album of Desolation has been the best yet and provided without a doubt, hours of laughter between my partner and I.
-
Just want to say this album of Desolation has been the best yet and provided without a doubt, hours of laughter between my partner and I.
desolation
-
A locksmith locks himself in a Whetherspoons pub toilet cubicle, the smell of piss quickly consumes him, his carcass is discovered a month later.
-
Immigrant child rapist self identifies as Princess Diana