Premature ejacudesolation
Paddy Power fund an event where you bet on homeless people
BlodwynPig stands alone in a Canadian forest, hands on knees, trousers around the ankles, arsehole smeared in honey, bidding the bears to please come and finish the job for good.
I’ve given up on these threads. Im only posting out of habit. A sense that’s what people here want and expect. But it’s not and never was. I’m moving on to pastures more desolate.
If he's out I'm out
If he's out I'm out
thank fuck hes gone
We've got to suffer 6 months of your joyous outpourings, get the fuck out of here.
You realise all the entries in the fifth desolation thread mirror exactly those in the first, but they are no longer funny and you close the Internet Explorer tab...forever.
"Bury him in the suit he went tay fucking court in"
"Yer Maw's a whore, just lit yer Da"
"Ye better get tay fuck pal or I'll choke yer dug"
“Breaktime at Greenock Primary School”Nursery actually.
l shat on an industrial scale that week
As he approaches the grave, an overzealous pallbearer tries to "put some stank on it", but his knees buckle and Nana's fermented carcass is catapulted high into the air. The bloated cadaver splatters on impact, coating the congregation in all sorts of shit-smelling gunk and goo.
Harry Potter aged 53, after the wife and kids have left. Sells autographs on Wizard eBay to get by.
harry potter, five years after leaving hogwarts, has developed a personality disorder & been banned from doing any spells with effects lasting longer than three seconds, on pain of death.
as he rides home on the bus from his dead-end job through miserable rainy november streets, he cheers himself up by conjuring the phones of annoying teenagers on the bus to 100 degrees centigrade & back, & when he sees more annoying teenagers being noisy in the streets, he conjures bucketfuls of cold water to land on them out of thin air.
none of this helps. none of this is going to get hermione back.
dead uncle's video collection, one tape(VHS): Danny Baker's Own Goals Where It Comes Back Off The Woodwork And Hits The Keeper
Must have cribbed the idea. Unacceptable.
nah. it's that parallel evolution thing.
No no, I meant you must have cribbed the idea off me. You just did it a few months before I did to cover your tracks. Nice try.
No no, I meant you must have cribbed the idea off me. You just did it a few months before I did to cover your tracks. Nice try.
Speaking of cribs....nappy time, mate.
new encyclopedia out in The Works: Every Time Someone Said Funk Instead Of Fuck, £4.99
They promised us house robots, flying cars and food in capsule form. Instead we got Ed Sheerin, knife crime and food banks.
Ave Maria rolls around Horace's head as he calmly dispatches his 2,00th pig. He sees beauty in the slaughter.
My cock is so huge, that if I laid it out on my keyboard it could stretch from A to Z
On a Bridgwater towpath, a stray dog laps at the opening of a soiled Fleshlight.
that's right put me off my tea, that has.
that's right put me off my tea, that has.
YOUR WEDDING BREAKFAST'S READY
(https://i.imgur.com/fQL1Efy.jpg)
A misplaced comma sees Horace thrown screaming into the lean pig pit.
Ian Smith, who runs the Natural Raised Pork farm near Argyle, Man., says pigs are not normally aggressive animals, but they can be triggered by the taste of blood.
You go and see Blink 182 now
Wait, that's not all
And their performance of All The Small Things is worse than the school band you saw when you were 16 in 2003
And there is worms coming out of the singer's eeeeaaars.
The former Manchester United and Real Madrid midfielder is the first player to receive a statue in MLS history.
It will be unveiled at Dignity Health Sports Park before LA Galaxy's first game of the season against Chicago Fire on 2 March.
The DJ puts Toploader on at the office Christmas shindig to really get this party started!
Toploader: The B-Sides Live and More...
I love timelapses of rotting cum.
A burglar does a shit down your chimney
Someone in work said to me
This afternoon is going to be fucking SPASTICATED
Your nan croquets you a sex doll and you throw a strop because the tits aren’t big enough
croquets? Are you sure? Findus keepers.
A helium balloon with "loans" printed on floats by
Drinking tap water from a mug.
Watching "The Decline of Western Civilization Part II: The Metal Years" and wondering where it might be possible to get hold of some CDs by that marvelous band London.
One for the CAB TV watchers that
I really want to see that - I’ve only seen a few clips online.
The bottom drops out of the S Club 7 impersonator market, as the hourly rate of the actual members sinks to a new low.
Good luck trying to eat trees
Dave is an experienced DJ. He’s often booked for his 80’s & 90’s ‘Guilty Pleasures’ sets, but he can play a contemporary pop set as well.
‘…worked the capacity crowd for close to two hours with big laughs and even bigger tunes for what was without doubt the best night of Freshers so far…’
‘…With a DJ set as extravagant as his trademark Hawaiian shirt, DBP played everything from the latest Hip-Hop and R’n’B to the cheesiest of pop classics which all totalled for a fantastic night. Gloucestershire S.U.
“…like Carl Cox – but really funny!” Demontfort S.U.
[/quote[
A young man, steeped in the powerful words "be the change you want to see", sets himself alight and burns himself the fuck doon
Jobcentre employee suggests that they might get more work if they put some apologetic comments under some of their negative punternet reviews
Jobcentre employee suggests that they might get more work if they put some apologetic comments under some of their negative punternet reviews
You stay up 26 hours in a row for no good reason.
A sparrow lays an egg into a dead tramp's mouth.
You piss shit
A gambling addict launches a homophobic tirade in a gay bar after losing their free novelty bingo game three weeks in a row.
A mother buys a Spider Man computer game for her son only to discover that this computer game requires a computer!! Also she has no son and she is mad and not really a mother
Halfords autocentre adds "non consensual struggle buggery" to its list of MOT services.
Halfords autocentre adds "non consensual struggle buggery" to its list of MOT services.
You re-enact the end scene of the Graduate when yourself sitting on a bus with a fine bird who gives you a nervous smile and a deathly silence
You have to spend the whole weekend taking notes at a conference about plankton.
Not sure how to feel about this
You will after a few hours in the conference, mate!
The conference.
New page_V.swftwat
Will Self is confused by the selection of screws in his local Wickes. "Japened screws?!" A full Guardian piece ensues.
(https://i.imgur.com/ngvL42br.jpg)
(https://i.imgur.com/ngvL42br.jpg)
(https://i.imgur.com/ngvL42br.jpg)
Richard Dawkins sings 'Lean on Me' into the window of a mental health clinic.
Laughed at this
You have to spend the whole weekend taking notes at a conference about plankton.
John Challis is washing his car one Saturday morning when his mobile rings. It's David Jason, who tells him, "Telly has gotten too politically correct this days. On the other hand, there's too much sex and violence and effin' and jeffin'. Bye, John."
"Bye, David."
Parkview School’s re-enactment of the First Crusade results in the actual deaths of several Muslims.
No longer recognising you, your nan tells the rest of the residents in the care home that you are Maxine Carr.
A variation of this happened in my mums day care centre. A polish woman started working there and one of the more aged residents said she was Maxine Carr from Allo Allo and got in a right strop about it all, poor cow.
Btw, lots of people thinks Maxine Carr used to live around here. Somebody’s mum recognised her down the local Premier shop. Apparently Carr’s plastic surgery consisted of an ill fitting wig.
I saw these in Lidl, admittedly I couldn't be arsed taking a photo and googled when I got home.
(http://beta.ems.ladbiblegroup.com/s3/content/808x455/d37494265c9a33509302b8cd59a4faaf.png)
I saw these in Lidl, admittedly I couldn't be arsed taking a photo and googled when I got home.
(http://beta.ems.ladbiblegroup.com/s3/content/808x455/d37494265c9a33509302b8cd59a4faaf.png)
I saw these in Lidl, admittedly I couldn't be arsed taking a photo and googled when I got home.
(http://beta.ems.ladbiblegroup.com/s3/content/808x455/d37494265c9a33509302b8cd59a4faaf.png)
Michael Gove sighs at a gone-off cabbage.Hospital visits are the worst aspect of being Health Secretary
the Gaelic remake of Mrs Brown's Boys is a bigger ratings smash than the original
A milkman with extreme bone deficiency, has been consuming every bottle of milk he delivers, and replacing the contents with a mix of Tipex and water.
A time capsule from 1919 is eagerly opened by local children, but contains only visceral racist invective and a nasty bout of polio.
It is morning.
"Look, Mark! I've turned into a giant pear!"
Kermode can hardly believe his eyes, as he gazes upon the giant, wobbly fruit with Simon Mayo's head atop.
https://www.celebvm.com/search?cate=UK%20Trending
John “Boycie” Challis for 30 quid. Keith from the Office for 20. Derek Acorah to split the difference at 25 notes a go.
Edit: fucking hell there’s a David Brent lookalike for 30. Imagine paying to hear a voicemail from someone who looks a bit like Ricky Gervais (at a distance). Brutal stuff.
Tinder for paedophiles
Kinder
Ffs
Jamie Oliver calls people who eat well "The Pukka People."
An innovative digital watch designer is run out of town by a mob of sundial tycoons.
(https://i.imgur.com/NAbK8d2.jpg)
Whilst metal detecting for old cans of Lilt
A man yells 'BENDER!' so loud he makes himself deaf.
a hipster Jeremy Kyle fan
A plankton beats you at Jenga.
A terminally ill Sisqo performs the 'Thong Song' through tears at a children's birthday party
A Bob Dylan boxset is slowly eaten by ants.
The ants are not your friends.
They are not totally unsympathetic. They leave you with Christmas in the Heart
Twice nightly?
More like once monthly.
I spent weeks filling a bong with my own tears, & now I've knocked it over, have to start again.
Thom Yorke barks instructions at his militia of child soldiers
اللعنة قتال اللعنة
اللعنة قتال اللعنة
اللعنة قتال اللعنة!!!!!!!
A caddy offers a tip.
'There’s is a dog leg on the 12th, so..'
'3 iron with a bit of draw?'
'No, I mean...'
Legend Gary walks into the wrong thread and starts singing...
"IT GETS KNOCKED DOWN BUT IT GETS UP AGAIN, YOU'RE NEVER GONNA KEEP IT DOWN"
for ever and ever, refusing to leave.
Keith crowdfunds his own sexual assault, top donation gets first break in and blood pie. Top donation is old PE teacher Terry. Keith! Not seen you in a while!
Holding Dad's wake at a Sizzling Pub™.
A supposedly 'normal' man goes to a jam night and plays bad music to an empty room with some alcoholics.
A terminally ill Sisqo performs the 'Thong Song' through tears at a children's birthday party
A bum knows full well it's limit.
There was also a Now That's I Call Music 6 gatefold lp, the first record replaced with Whitney Houston.
its a Saturdays afternoon, and no one posts in H.S Art for almost four hours.
Stoma golf.
A man is sitting on a crowded train, the empty seat next to him being the last free space in the carriage.
He catches the eye of a tired and harried looking elderly standing man and says "this seat's free!"
"Nah," comes the response.
Domestic violence holiday tours with Geoff Boycott
A milquetoast cries out 'noobs can't triforce!' as he wrestles with his mugger.
Graham from Staffordshire rams a coconut where the sun don't shine. Staffordshire.
A mobile abortionist jackknifes on the motorway causing a traffic jam, bored commuters start skidding on the spilled load to pass the time.
A teaching assistant’s lanyard accidentally reads ‘THE JEW RAPER OF AUSCHWITZ’.
A Doncaster of a man arranges his family in rape order
<snip> . . . . confirm the Wiggles, in song.
A man looks at a desolation thread instead of the smiling face of his infant son.
A full back tattoo that reads:
“Pink Fliyd”
A child sells her dead dad's dildos to pay for Piers Morgan calendars.
(https://farm5.staticflickr.com/4277/35732484861_023766223a_b.jpg)
(https://farm5.staticflickr.com/4242/35732484711_fa30862407_b.jpg)
(https://farm5.staticflickr.com/4238/35823583396_d0016f07f9_b.jpg)
Such an objectionable cunt that when you’re graved the worms will be out of work.
New Faces at leading Darlington Accountants
A bee that is known as “the Paul Ross of the hive” bumbles its stupid earless soft fat corpse body through the dribbling tunnels, one thing bright in its tiny bee mind and that is to smoke a fat bifta with the queen’s larval children and talk about how much it loves pissing on the backs of other bees as they go about their daily OBLIVIOUS monarchist pollen SHITE
New analysis of the skeleton of Richard III shows he died from a bumdozy.
A balding cunt with tits eats an uncooked Fray Bentos
A cynically overpriced vending machine in an oncology department waiting room
A sex addict wanks over a jumbo sausage supper.
George Alagiah gets dreadlocks and starts every news report with the phrase “HEAR ME NOW”
half past four, two-nil down and an hour's adamant raving that that's it, he's not coming back. by eight o'clock he's resigned to coming back to watch them reach the dizzying heights of mid table obscurity for another season
half past four, two-nil down and an hour's adamant raving that that's it, he's not coming back. by eight o'clock he's resigned to coming back to watch them reach the dizzying heights of mid table obscurity for another season
Mick Philpott wins Celebrity Big Brother 2021
Ben Elton and Andrew Lloyd-Weber write a Mick Philpott musical, the opening run stars David Walliams.
There are some very good posts here.
Sheryl Crow gets a mons tat of Mick Philpott and asks Hitachi how customisable their dildos are 'for an icon like me anyway'
The BBC are reporting the latest fad is stuffing hedgehogs with semtex and using them as grenades in a bid to blind kids in primary school playgrounds.
On one occasion, he paid 93p to see a young girl being abused.
28 and raised on pellets, then the Jeremy Kyle show is cancelled.
3 of the last four posts were peak deso
Will try better next time.
You were one of the unholy trinity, no fear. It was actually no. 1 for me. We have all felt the bleakness of the poetry slam...BUT ON YOUR BIRTHDAY!!! MY GOD
Paul Danan walks past your picnic table, lifts a leg and farts on your grandmother's baguette.
You die and are reincarnated as yourself.
'She's gonna be a meme!' - Coco Gauff on her mum's 'viral' celebration
Real life one:
A man goes to Nandos with his wife and young daughter. While they sit talking and eating their chicken dinners, he is impassive on the other side of the table, watching something on Netflix with his earphones in while getting spicy rice all over the table. He doesn't exchange a single word with them, or even make eye contact with them once.
Gary Wilmot sobbing "Mr Grimsdale" into a cash machine.
chazza
May 10, 2016 at 3:11 am
Wards Irish House. Used to drink there in the ’70’s. Great Guiness with shamrock carved in the head. Once watched a group of people torturing a rat to death on their table.top. Great seedy memories
You head to the downstairs toilet for a much needed shite but gypsies have moved in - The dad one looks like a right hard cunt too.
I'm sorry, but Tony Blackburn must be dead.
You suffer a fatal accident in a foreign country. The Kickstarter Fund set up to help pay for the repatriation of your body home only ever raises £1,216 of the required £8,900.
Landing in Gatwick airport. It is raining, and you haven’t slept since Friday.
Raw granddad. Hairs and all. Nibble nibble. Nibble nibble. The screams are gravy.
Karl's mortician picks his nose and eats it.
Postman Pat is rebooted as a black amputee lesbian dwarf.
In the lego set of a Progeria child with 5 pieces in her collection, one of which is her smelly abuser's frozen-off wart.
A Labrador finds out his purpose in life: none purpose.
Steve Bruce agrees to manage your favourite local football team.
Neil Buchanan is recruited by the fire brigade to help investigate a series of building fires. fourteen hours of hearing him point to each location on a map and say the same four words. fourteen fucking hours.
Neil Buchanan struggles to light a barbecue.
He will have to eat the dog raw.
AHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAHAHAHA!!! Ricky Gervais is onstage at SECULAR TAKEDOWN CENTRE. He is dressed immaculately in white tuxedo with pearl cufflinks, baby-powder wool polo-neck, creased flannel slacks, wool socks and leather slip-on shoes. HA HAHHAH HA HA HA HAHAHAAAAA he exhaults.
Richard Dawkins appears behind him, dressed almost identically except in light powder blue and periwinkle.
"This man is funny and charismatic" booms Dawkins as Ricky continues to shriek next to him. Dawkwins puts his hand on Rickys shoulder.
"Richard Dawkins doesn't know shit" smirks Gervais, iconoclastically.
"Ah, but God" says Dawkins.
Both men continue laughing.
Richard Dawkins begins to massage Ricky Gervaises shoulder, he is growling.
"If God is real and don't like this" crows Ricky. "He'll come down and stop it, won't he?"
"Indeed" purrs Dawkins, rubbing Ricky's face. He is getting horny, you can see his log on details.
"I love it when he gets randy!" Ricky sais, "he doesn't know his limits! You cant get away from him!"
Richard Dawkins starts to probe Gerv's arsehole through his back.
Richard Dawkins gives Richard Gervais a fist-hobbling on stage.
The auditorium is empty.
The show doesn't start for another month.
"If Jaysus don't like it..." shouts Dawkin.
"...He'll come up here and stop this!" laughs Rick.
They fuck and suck on a bed of turds and olives.
They are naked and crying into each others mouths and married now and cackling for hours.
God doesn't make it stop.
He has turned away from us forever.
Julia Bradbury invites you into bed but then you discover she has the personal politics and vagina of Margaret Court.
Julia Bradbury invites you into bed but then you discover she has the personal politics and vagina of Margaret Court.
Eine Kleine Noncemusik
“You can touch, but you can’t look.”+1
“You can touch, but you can’t look.”
“You can touch, but you can’t look.”
The Queen Mum decides to come back to life and begins whipping her floppy, undead pudenda at all the diners in the nearest Burger King.
A “paedophile hunter” stole a wheel off a woman’s car so he could travel 360 miles to Cornwall in search of perverts, a court has been told.
A heavily burnt bastard gurgles hot diet coke in a last ditch effort to gain some degree of energy, his last breath wants to be spent calling Kwikfit, to complain he never got the free tyre with his MOT.
A heavily weight bastard gurgles hot diet coke in a last ditch effort to gain some degree of energy, his last breath wants to be spent calling Kwikfit, to complain he never got the free tyre with his MOT.
You can’t be heavily burnt, heavily is weight. Would you like to change your post to read:
?
An assistant spends an hour studying Damien Hirst's morning debauched hangover shit for 'viability'.
Love the grey gif, definitely adds something 3 the effect
Love the grey gif, definitely adds something 3 the effect
also a public callbox for added deso.
also a public callbox for added deso.
a Mercury public callbox, extra deso?
A French junior gelder boils a load of gelded balls in brine, taking in deep huffs of testevapour as he goes.
A French junior gelder boils a load of gelded balls in brine, taking in deep huffs of testevapour as he goes.
See also: lay-bys, pub car parks, the West Midlands
A ladytramp finds a lovely shiny 50p piece on the ground. Unfortunately for her, it's glued down and it soon becomes apparent that she has been hoodwinked into a brutal gang rape by some citymen from the stock exchange high on life and expensive cocaine.
She is summarily tortured, murdered, and rolled into the canal.
A band from your hometown - the evangelical Christian bloke who shouts at people through a cheap microphone, his awful sister who hits a tambourine like she's trying to kill it and the homeless man who sometimes wanders in front of their battered tape deck - lands a multimillion pound record deal.
A weird pollock sees a fishmonger turn his mongering to war.
A too-old-for-it-now Cilla Black impersonator - Similar Black - takes a tumble down the cellar stairs. By the time the body is discovered, weeks later, the ginger wig has become glued to the floor by a black pool of congealed blood. Days apart, a Policeman and a cleaner make similar Surprise Surprise jokes.
This is gorgeous for some reason.
Your mistress says “I’m going to suck your cock” and starts sucking your cock, but then she peels her face off and it’s actually your wife but then she peels her face off and it’s actually your mum but then she peels her face off and it’s your dad but then you realise he’s not actually sucking your cock but you his but then Charlie Brooker appears and says “welcome to Black Mirror season a thousand” but it’s not Black Mirror and he’s actually there watching you suck your dad’s cock surrounded by discarded faces but then he peels his face off and it’s Konnie Huq and she says “here’s one I prepared earlier” and she pulls out another you sucking another your dad’s cock and it is Black Mirror after all.
Or is it?
Due to a linguistic disconnect in your brain, you accidentally say “Jap’s Eye” in conversation with a Japanese person.
A memory-foam mattress tries to forget.
Colin's cancers hum Get Lucky
Colin's cancers hum Get Lucky
Colin's cancer
A beer sommelier
"You gonna cum for me? You gonna cum for me like a big boy?"
A Skype call with a Saudi billionaire becomes De Niro's highest-paying role
You threw a child off of The Tate Modern...
You threw a child off of The Tate Modern...
It’s a “Cicero” or something isn’t it?
Edit: yeah a “cicerone”
You threw a child off of The Tate Modern...
Consumed by a septic fever, you become Lord of All Poundlands but a mere two months into your stewardship your store is swept away by a tide of vagrants and you find yourself suffering ‘the triple hypostasis on the gibbet of Calvary’.
You have a dinner party with your mum and dad, your mum is the real one but half way through the wotsits starter you notice your dad’s a cloth effigy and he’s actually under the floorboards in an olive green gimp suit connected up and smelling his own farts with rebreathing apparatus.
your beloved children are killed and purposely cooked into the resident sparkles in a unicorn gin cocktail travesty
That news story today about the bloke sentenced for raping then bludgeoning an 89 year old woman to death was about as bleak as it fucking gets.
This very thing nearly happened to me, but I cunningly waited for the vehicle to go past before moving in front of the puddle
It was one of those long puddles. A car graciously slowed down and I didn't get wet. Heard a lorry as I was at the widest bit and with a metal fence to my side thought 'well, that's me fucked' and turned my back. The spray seemed to last a while, once it stopped and I turned round I saw it was towing a fucking bus.
mum puts your phone number on a fetish site
Hey,
Let’s get the band back together!
Ian Watkins
...and it could be either of them
Happy second birthday!
I think you’ll enjoy this - our first ever single.
Love,
“Uncle” Ian (Watkins)
She looks like Jim Davidson.
She walks like she’s shat herself.
You’re not fussy.
Why not both?
The victims of Epstein decide they do want him put in the chair—anyway.
Neil Diamond tribute act in the upstairs room of a pub near Boldmere. Doesn’t get paid, does it for the love of the game. Your parents separately tell you what a wonderful time they had at the show.
"Justice!" in Buzz Aldrin drawl...
Rolf starts painting his own courtroom sketch. "Can you tell wot it is yet?" he says as the bailiffs encroach, drive-stun rods in hand.
Traditional Sunday lunch. You don your Lidl gum shield and embark on the bricks in canal gravy.
Your best man’s speech includes Family Guy impersonations
Your speech while acting as a best man, or the speech of the best man at your wedding? Both equally deso, I just wanted to clarify which you had in mind.
The one performed by a third party for your nuptials, though I did notice the double meaning when typing and left it intentionally vague to capitalize on both scenarios. Pro-deso move.
Ricky Gervais' high pitched cackle on a loop mixed with Coldplay's Fix You.
Your car fails it’s M.O.T test on mental health grounds.
A Father's Day card from Gary. Every year.
A Peeping Tom forgets his glasses.
Your car fails it’s M.O.T test on mental health grounds.
Boris Johnson has mong strength
Boris Johnson elected as P.M. on the back of the slogan, ‘ Giving Britain mong strength’.
Garlic.
As a surname.
Didn't some youtuber who appeared to be a young attractive woman recently get 'exposed' as a much older and less attractive woman who was using a snapchat-esque filter that accidentally vanished half way through a live broadcast?
Edit; https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/blogs-trending-49151042 (https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/blogs-trending-49151042) Yes this was it. I had no idea filters that move with your face even existed.
Consequently, [in China] many live-streamers simply sing karaoke in their bedrooms, or eat snacks for hours on end.
a comedy sketch where they do Blue Peter but they're doing drugs aha!
man's first erection in ten months comes after telling the therapist about his suicide ideation
Of Man’s First Erection, and the Fruit Of that Forbidden Tree, whose mortal taste Brought Death into the World, and all our woe.
A centaur, but it's just a horse's body with a man's head on the neck.
Your household booze usage in a pivot table.
Jonathan Teale buys tix to the new John Lewis Christmas ad
Are smothered toddlers red bin or green?
So delicious there's nothing left to put in bin so I just shit them out of my arse into bog grave.
You share a cubicle with a chemotherapy truther and boy he's garrulous
A man on crutches from eating too many spicy nandos birds slouches towards parliament, gurning "pro-rogue, pro-rogue".
He passes a street child that has had its eyesight revoked, gangly arms embracing a tattered anime pillowcase. "nice mum, you kiosk" he sneers.
PRO-ROGUE.
You call your dog Loans
Your father becomes a ghost solely to call you a disappointment and an accident.
An inter-dimensional Grey alien materialises from the aether, looks at you and just shakes it’s head.
A nervous man is openly mocked at a self-service checkout
by the self service checkout
Paul Hogan never seems to realise that the Crocodile Dundee animal-hypnotism trick doesn't work on the staff at his sanatorium.
A career academic ignores the distinction between “less” and “fewer”
He likes to relax by fishing alone at night on the Kent coast
Im not an English prof! I like less more
from Nigle Farage's wiki page:
A paedophile ring gets in some non-disabled kids to improve the optics.
You have your dead sister repatriated, solely to weigh down a fluttering tarpaulin in your side garden.
Global Climate Strike - 11am Friday 20th September, Chester Town Hall (meet by the elephant outside Barclay Bank. Bring whatever flags / banners you have. Speakers are arranged, not sure what else the students have planned. The normal chant is “What do we want – Climate Justice, When do we want it – Now”
XR International Rebellion 7th to 19th October, Nine people from the group are going. Fantastic !!!! The Actions working group will co-ordinate.
enter code COLIN for access
You seek marriage counseling and it's from The Mask
a charity collector half-heartedly shouts "help children get cancer" in the drizzle
Mike Gapes
mate
A goblin clad in a red anorak hoovers up human stools for ITV.
Goblin Hamburgers in Gravy
A racist tub dweller Swindons his arsehole and has to be gurneyed to safety by an off-duty Paki.
"off-duty Paki." Amazing.
Goblin Hamburgers in Gravy
The lad I sit nearest at work was quoting Bo Selecta
Stewart Lee looks back on his career and says "amazing times," then drinks from an SDP mug, but sincerely
https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/world-asia-49944885
What the fuck BBC?
Who want to know this, whether it happened or not.
Also btw I appreciate any irony of me sharing this
Jesus Christ. That’s properly sad :(
The vicar’s eulogy refers to your choice of Simon & Garfunkel as “Two cunts banging on.”
Rhyl.
low whistle...
Anyways onto mine: A silly twitter spat gets out of hand and your opponent lands in exasperation "yeah, well my dad is bigger than your dad!"
Its true and it hurts.
The record distance for a successful rugby conversion is broken but ruled out after appeal due to the projectile being an absolutely microscopic Muslim.
Some windy bits tries to flow majestically through some leafy bits, but leafy bits int there no more issit, only stump, for tree has been cut down by bastards who will never cry boo hoo for the logs they shovel up their fannys.
An over-wrought desolation post misses the mark.
If that’s a response to my previous, I should inform you that it was barely wrought at all.
Not at all, a response to my own posts if anything.
I’ve never read a particularly wrought post of yours. I could rank them all if you wanted.
I’ve never read a particularly wrought post of yours. I could rank them all if you wanted.
That would be very helpful.
The man behind the Meerkat voice finds, spontaneously, it is time to propose to his long term partner, and drops to one knee.
He's trapped under Cromer puer, no?
Rrrrrrr! Voud you vissh to be my viiiiiiiiiiifeeeeeeee?
The man behind the Meerkat voice finds, spontaneously, it is time to propose to his long term partner, and drops to one knee.
Rrrrrrr! Voud you vissh to be my viiiiiiiiiiifeeeeeeee?
I said I could, not that I would.
"if you wanted."
he wanted. get it done.
He wanted, and now I can rank them all as stated. But I won't, because he's fucking goblin compost.
he'll want some paraquat to wash that down, don't you think?
an internet web station only playing Beat It, Raspberry Beret, and We Are The Champions on shuffle.
(real life deso)
On shuffle, or in sequence?
just those three songs, in random order, forever. Sometimes Beat It played back to back followed by the other two.
The Father of Desilation, BlodwynPig, has an interview in a little-known village in County Durham by the name of ‘Pity Me’.
a stubborn tin of lentil soup is told to fuck off
Battered chips with extra salt
Ricky Gervais kidnaps your dad and takes his place.
Your wife won't consummate the marriage due to Brexit uncertainty
FOOLED BY SMEGMA BASED HOMEOPATH
A shy lady's first book is finally published to rave reviews. 'A heartbreaking depiction of mental illness.'
It was only supposed to be a book of cupcake recipes.
You discover Noel Edmonds has simply used you for sex.
an episode of Pointless is unable to be stopped and continues into its 3412nd hour. It has grown so large as to be a sovereign nation and a member of the UN in its own right
Would watch. Do Xander and Richard fuck at any point?
during the conflict with Belize, yes
Keith Vaz.
Bit of real life deso. At a drinks reception, someone asks about your child, so you laugh and show them the 3 or 4 photos you show everyone. Dressed as a tiger, sitting on the swing, making a mess of his porridge. Great.
Someone at the edge of the circle takes umbrage, and begins aggressively showing everyone the dozens of photos of their confused bulldogs dressed in myriad different outfits. The animals look as uncomfortable as everyone in the conversational circle now becomes.
...
...
“Well, he’s showing you his kids!”
Because they asked, Pamela. Because they asked.
I thought the picture of distressed bulldogs in tutus was the nadir, but the outfits just kept coming.
I thought the picture of distressed bulldogs in tutus was the nadir, but the outfits just kept coming.
Cunts like that need help, it's a mental illness. Failing that, kicked into a fucking quarry
Dad uses sellotape to hang himself.
HISTORY DESO:
A Gallile Carpenter's son rebellion against crooked romans comes to nothing when only 4 people turn up for his crucifixion.
The picture round on University Challenge is about types of doggo.
The picture round on University Challenge is about types of doggo.
The picture round on University Challenge is about types of doggo.
The BBC Television Centre canteen vows to put a stop to 'lezzers'.
Rees Mogg turns his critical eye on the decision making of the 6 year old kids of Beslan.
Fucking retard cunts. I'd have got out, he thinks.
Jacob Rees Moggs son, while wearing a little top hat, has a tantrum over the prostitute his dad got him for his 16th birthday because he didn’t want a black one.
- Hi Jon!
- Hi Terry!
- Is your arsehole old and wrinkled?
- Yes.
- Loom near me until death, then.
- Ok.
- Cheers
Fiona Bruce pens her latest stalking letter in used tampon.
The victim writes back in vom.
'Result', she mutters. 'Fucking result!'
A huddle of ghasts hear through a rusty old speaker on a disused athletics track that days have actually permanently gone.
A heatpack called 'Well Jel' enters the tone down market by storm only to be fucked down the rectum of history by 'Legend of Gelda', Unilever's all-new yet terminally brutal corporate sobriquet.
A Chemical Brother needs to do toilet
A new ambulance tracker app refers to ambulances as 'blarey bois' and caveats arrival times with 'Guesstimate tbh'
The sole* present under the tree for you is a selection box of seafood* pastes.
*Not a pun.
The Queen dies during the launch of HMS Scatman John, a rubber dinghy bought from Argos.
You dedicate a cheeseburger to your nan’s memory.
Allardyce Funeral Homes
Surgeon comes to meet you before your op to remove a cue ball from your colon and it's Stephen Hendry, armed with an unchalked cue and an ominous grin.
A canal boat holiday is spoiled by rape jokes.
Your advent calendar has a different compost sampler behind each window.
A CaBer accidently gives away their vilest of secretes in an overly detailed Desolation post.
Anosmia destroys Laura's one true joy: scratching her arsehole and smelling her fingers.
Pornhub.com
Your search for "mature BBW eating baguette on stilts" returned 11 results
"I want a BJ, I want a BJ, I want a BJ, I want a BJ, want a BJ want a BJ want a BJ"
(https://pbs.twimg.com/media/EGwNLbHW4AAf8Du?format=jpg&name=small)
Your mother outlives your ability to obtain a meaningful erection
Chris Morris decides to fuck doing any more output.
Chris Morris decides to fuck doing any more output.
Today
is the first day of the rest of your life.
Ayrton Senna’s last poo.
Your balls fall off.
Compulsory Glitter
A civil war re-enactor tumbles into a wood chipper.
A civil war re-enactor tumbles into a wood chipper....one of the handcranked, 18th century ones.
The reenactor operating the handles only stops for a tea break, around 4 hours in.
Some cunts throw yoghurt at a bereaved mong
Stroke in ALDI.
Dennis Anaconda Space-Spacker makes a literal parliament of owls.
But he didn't do the safety checks :(
You are chosen to be the Joey in an attempt to establish an irreverent coffee gang in Burton Costa's.
Four are left permanently carpeted in an ill-judged game of leapfrog in the Rowan Tree nursing home, Dunstable.
… the title of an unpublished manuscript of Enid Blighton, found behind the back of a maggot-infested chaise longue in Chelmsford.
a man fumes about VAR because he can't spend two weeks centring every conversation about "but it wisnae a goal, it shouldnae huv been gave" any more. he wants it scrapped
A Kidderminster Harrier stops to declare 'what the fucking hell is a harrier' during a service to remember a little boy who tried to drink boiling chips through his anus.
A school report simply says 'polyp'
Dad's off aggressively fingering a Thai boy in the store cupboard of a failing vape shop.
Jo Swinson has been sat on the toilet all morning.
James Corden and Ricky Gervais are fused together in a teleportation experiment gone wrong, and subsequently their freakishly conjoined mass becomes President of the United states.
a lifetime dedicated to time travel and fixing history results in a world exactly the same, except Jimmy Savile had one more victim
You are a pointless answer.
"VERY well done if you got THAT at home," sniggers Osman.
Osman.
Jerome K Jerome
A bird falls out of a tree, but I can't think of anything funny for it fall into.
A bird falls out of a tree, but I can't think of anything funny for it fall into.
ahahahahahahagru mmfmffgfhfhf hfhahahahahaha hahahahaha a ahahahahahaha Hahahaha ahahahaha a Hahahahahahahahaha hahaha wonder who got the power pack ahahahahahaha ha ahahahahahaha haha gfhdhdgdhdcoughcough a Hahahahahahahahaha ahahahahahaha Hahahaha ahahahahahaha Hahahahahahahahaha hahaha haaaarrrrrrrrgg haarrrrrrrrrrrgggggg harrrrrrrrgggggh harrrrrrrrrrrrggggghhhh harrrrrrrggghhhhhhh hhhhhhhgaaaaaaaaaaaahhhh news
You start to wonder why all your friends keep dying so young but then you remember that you are the virus Hepatitis B.
Lembit Opik
The Cheeky Girls are your pallbearers.
A garlic shark completely fucks up the Bay of Biscay.
Peter Kay follows it in a dinghy, screaming.
A lobster gives up. Just too much hassle.
A 'deep dive' into your failings as a lover, father, human
WH Smith reveals that it has always been an acronym for We Hate Seeing Muslims In The Highstreet
Everybody explodes at an inconvenient moment.
White co-co pops.
White co-co pops.
White co-co pops....Fokko-Krispies?
A dog excitedly bounds towards the rear of a building where it is to be lined up and destroyed.
The laugh of Rick Stein caterwauling down through the trachea of the chimney stack
Paul Ross tuts at a farnter.
'I wouldn't have farnted in that situation', he concludes, with a triumphally emphatic parp.
A pale husk of a girl draws a crap picture of her dead mother. Her social worker unconvincingly passes off his laughter as a bad coughing fit.
Letterbocks in Viz this month is all just "Do I Win A Fiver?" nothing else in any of the letters, just the five words and a question mark, 800 times
Turn on the telly every channel is showing a montage of your most vigourous botty tugs.
The decrepit corpse of TH White surges out of South Norwood Lake holding aloft a malformed dildo.
Hardeep Singh Kohli tries to make 'HSK' happen. Not only does it not happen, he treads in some sick.
Dad taps his foot to Stormzy.
A scumbag's cacophonous morning shits wake a fragile junior doctor from 45 minutes of light, terrified sleep.
15 minute video of Neil Jenkins eating a big gala pie.
Dad taps his foot to Stormzy.
Cilla Black's ghost tries to take a bicycle pump back to Halfords every day but has no receipt.
You willingly watch and genuinely enjoy horse racing
The oil refinery administrator said "all my dreams have finally come true
Crap hearted infant Maisie's big moment with Pudsey Bear is buried deep in the guts of an unloadable, advert saturated news website.
A Suriname Toad births a load of erasers for Staedtler, while their executives watch on approvingly.
'More of these toads', utters one of them.
A Suriname Toad births a load of erasers for Staedtler, while their executives watch on approvingly.
'More of these toads', utters one of them.
You invent a new theme night for yourself, on your own in your flat in Bidston:
K night.
Ketamine, K cider, and, yes yes, Kula Shaker's album "K"
a woman thinks everyone she meets is Joe Pasquale. And Joe Pasquale is playing all the characters.
You win 500 bottles of Becks in a competition and the brewery and competition organisers promise there's more where that came from.
euphoria thread's over there pal
You buy a brand new self-driving Tesla to try and curry favour with your estranged son. You key in his address then sit back and enjoy the ride. Two minutes in you have a fatal heart attack and your already unimpressed son looks out of his window to see your rictus-faced corpse pull into his driveway.
you escape the house fire, but it destroys everything, except for your most prized possession:
(https://pbs.twimg.com/media/ETKoxcPXYAEQ5N-?format=png)
Walsall’s indie/alternative scene.
as you break into B&M Bargains you pass an old man muttering, "blanket, shroud, blanket, shroud" and you remember just a month ago he cut your hair and chatted about the footie, and you liked his wife
A man self isolates by making no changes whatsoever to his social habits.
A wet poo on a dry log flume.
A wet poo on a dry log flume.
Two hundred years from now a dna test reveals descent from a bog roll hoarder
2009. A human skidmark dare-wanks over a magazine article of riddled and hairless Jade Goody. A flume of grey, watery jism splats on her big brave face. Some of it trickles over his ankle tag.
Manager of a elderly care home screaming into the phone: WELL YOU'RE JUST GOING TO HAVE TO FIND ME MORE OLD PEOPLE AREN'T YOU??!!
Posh Spice’s bog child crawls out of the cistern to crow the day’s tidings at “whomsoever shall be gathered here.” Like an alabaster marionette rejected from
the workshop of Bernini, its vocal chords ricket and sputter off the stucco bidet - only for it to dawn mid-declamation that its sole audience is an expectant David, huddled behind the proscenium of the shower curtain in a pool of raw spaghetti hoop. “I have bested the bog child!” he shrieks in candle-greased pallor, “And thou art long, and lank, and brown, as is the ribbed sea-sand!”. With that he lurches at the bowl, flinging clods of Heinz at his daughter of the U-bend, his anal Amphitrite, who recedes abashed into her sewer.
During lockdown, your neighbour attempts to learn how to play Wonderwall, on a recorder.
Day 2 and it's mechanically recovered bollock soup. Again.
A Carlisle sex family win the postcode lottery.
The representative from P&O ferries laughs at you down the phone until you hang up.
Okcupid matches up you with a tapeworm.
A zoo keeper called Denzel clogs the toilet at Longleat.
You are rejected by a tapeworm.
April 18 2020: an undiscovered Japanese World War II soldier unknowingly has his last wank on whatever the fuck island he’s on.
Nigel off Eastenders.
Your director assigns you to create “memes etc” to boost morale for all staff in the time of quarantine.
The victim is Brian himself, as he exists in a sea of dissociative identities.
You are given an honorary A Level in Psychology. It is a B.
It's pie of chips tonight, my darlings. Pie of chips.
There's no pastry.
There are no chips.
The kids are dead.
Pie of chips.
(https://www.dogsonacid.com/attachments/img-20200425-wa0001-jpg.176580/)
An Asda suited recruitment bellend discovers heavy metal at the age of 46. It consumes his entire life. Job, house, wife, kids - all gone. He doesn't care. Nothing else matters more than Nothing Else Matters.
The Bishop of Lincoln is woken up by a text from the chancellor of the cathedral at 3 a.m. that reads: "God is here, fucking he own house. GOD is makin love to the roof"
The real order of your wife's top 5 kisses -
Adam from college
Mark C
Mark J
Dane Bowers at the 2001 MOBO Awards
You
The Trafford Centre nonces you up
Which part? The main edifice or Barton Square? I could believe Barton or the Food Court, but anything larger would frankly beggar belief.
Main edifice.
A gerontophile Tolkien fan founds the website greyhavens.xxx
Your family WhatsApp thread contains that “amusing” trump video, that article from the guardian about female leaders being better than men, a FBPE follow request, and a genuine longing for a return to the “targeted left wing policies of Tony Blair”. In the same 48 hours. They all voted lib dem. You can’t leave the group.
As Gregor Samsa awoke one morning from uneasy dreams he found himself transformed in his bed into a gigantic Ricky Gervais.
an investigation into a paeodphile only reveals a flat containing a shrine to Ukyo Katayama
Elspeth can't sing. This doesn't stop her. Every fucking morning.
Telford runs out of bin juice.
Wizbit, your eternal warden in the afterlife, delivers vibrant beatings to your corpse in a filthy soil-black mausoleum with methodical "ha-ha this-a-way"s and nothing in his eyes.
Wizbit, your eternal warden in the afterlife, delivers vibrant beatings to your corpse in a filthy soil-black mausoleum with methodical "ha-ha this-a-way"s and nothing in his eyes.Paul Daniels, no longer a man who exhales, cheers him on with an occasional Ostagazuzulum!
Paul Daniels, no longer a man who exhales, cheers him on with an occasional Ostagazuzulum!
'Just a little game of hankypoo,' he wheezes gleefully, as your anus releases a gush of old semen for the third time today.
Your mattress goes on strike.
Grays in Essex officially changes its name to Garys
A cashier at a petrol station calls your car rubbish.
A census of the mattress reveals populations of dust mites to be up by 300%, whilst residents in the 'wife' category remain on zero for the second consecutive year, down from a couting of 1 in the 2018 bedroom survey.
Like Wolf38892 I was disturbed by the unanswered questions, so I stripped off and locked myself into my garage with the tower blueprints for 48 hours.
Conclusion? The 'story' checks out. Planes, fire etc caused structural failure and collapse.
BUT these plans are like Dana Barrett's apartment block. No one ever built like that. They were designed to collapse if a plane hit them. The only conclusion is that they knew about the attacks when they built the towers
I did a bit of digging into the engineering firm that designed them. The chief engineer, and ALL the senior directors are now DEAD
I couldn't contain myself and posted on twitter: "I think I got the slags that done it"
Two minutes later someone responded to the tweet: "Keep Digging 🐾" The name was just a black rectangle and the avatar was a picture of a wolf. I clicked on it but the tweet and profile had already been deleted.
That night I couldn't sleep. I was crawling around my bed when I heard a scrabbling noise. 'It's the dog wanting to get out,' I thought. Then I realised: I don't own a dog
I went to my front door and opened it. Next to a streak of piss there was a cassette tape on the ground. I ran through my garden into the street but couldn't see anyone. Then I realised: I live in a flat. As I went back inside I heard what sounded like a wolf howl from somewhere in the darkness.
I didn't have a cassette player so I uploaded the tape to a website that converts tapes to mp3s (this website no longer exists). When I listened I heard a man reading out a series of numbers. Every now and again I would hear the muffled sounds of what sounded like an older woman shouting 'what are you doing down there?'. I ignored this and noted down the numbers.
When I put the numbers into my computer I knew that I had to leave immediately. I flounced from facebook and twitter, smashed my computer to pieces, tore up my passport and fled into the night. Now I'm alone, naked on all fours in a field, hunting for the truth.
You are voted "worst value prostitute in Goole" for a third consecutive year - and you only charge a tenner.
Great Goole (https://www.cookdandbombd.co.uk/forums/index.php/topic,66470.msg3668745.html#msg3668745) guns.
Great Goole (https://www.cookdandbombd.co.uk/forums/index.php/topic,66470.msg3668745.html#msg3668745) guns.
Some wag at the festival spikes your drink with acid and ibogaine which sends you whirling into gnashing fractal mirrors of terror for 8 hours. When you finally emerge from what felt like a million lifetimes of exquisite tailored nightmare you realise you've gone bald
(https://abload.de/img/9504518a-3fb2-446d-8sljm0.jpeg)BLONDE SIMPSONS DON'T HAVE SEPARATELY DELINEATED HAIR, THEY JUST HAVE ODDLY SHAPED HEADS.
Wolverhampton, 1978, and the worst turd in England escapes from its bowl and rampages through the Mander Centre.
Desolation 6: approaching the nadir
??
Desolation 6: The Covidian Sepulchre
I like Shoulders' thing.
purest desolation
I even did a full save before I did anything to make sure she could reset to before I touched it if she wanted to!
Peterborough is twinned with Geschlechtskrankheit- the German term for venereal disease.