Desolation V (https://www.cookdandbombd.co.uk/forums/index.php/topic,71389.msg4222007.html#new)
Desolation IV (https://www.cookdandbombd.co.uk/forums/index.php?topic=66470.0)
Desolation III (https://www.cookdandbombd.co.uk/forums/index.php/topic,58360.0.html)
Desolation II (https://www.cookdandbombd.co.uk/forums/index.php?topic=50771.0)
Desolation (https://www.cookdandbombd.co.uk/forums/index.php?topic=44291.0)
a one man war against Radio 2, that one man will never get close to winning
"Proud to be an early adopter of the new desolation thread", he thinks, "yes, genuinely proud".
A forgotten episode of Ground Force in which Charlie Dimmock's prolapse is used as a water feature, because the budget had run out, the homeowners are chuffed to bits.
Jeremy, 45, the preeminent archivist of 90s TV show Live N Kicking is verbally assaulted by Jamie Theakston after cutting him up at a roundabout. 'die mongoloid shit skin' is the milder of the 18 statements Theakston emits. On arriving home the entire archive is slowly and carefully deleted from existence, followed by Jeremy himself.
Pauline wakes to find that she wasn't crowned Miss World last night as it was all a dream and that warm sensation wasn't the feelgood glow that winning such a prestigious contest brings, no, merely her shitting the bed once again.
Quote from: Bazooka on June 03, 2020, 01:46:17 AM
A forgotten episode of Ground Force in which Charlie Dimmock's prolapse is used as a water feature, because the budget had run out, the homeowners are chuffed to bits.
A forgotten episode of Ground Force where they Find
It beneath the patio as they're excavating. As the shovel sinks into the soil and the characteristic sifting sounds give way to a noisy, hollow
CRNK, Titchmarsh and Dimmock both turn to camera, having been discussing the right type of mulch to lay down, and give a satisfied titter. "I think we might've hit their pipes!" "Oh dear, Alan, you silly sod!" they say, as Titchmarsh raises the shovel full of earth and gently heaps it onto the growing pile. White. Green. Grey. Red. "... Have they buried their dog out here?" asks Dimmock, as Titchmarsh stares down in horrific confusion.
The cameraman, having previously worked in disaster zones for daytime news, quickly whip-pans away to the nearest item he can find -- Tommy Walsh, who was out of frame. His cigarette falls from his lips. He stares in the direction we know Titchmarsh and Dimmock once were. He steps backward. An inhuman scream. A yell of shock. The patio doors slide open behind Walsh, revealing a cavernous black void where there once was a cozy mid-market living room. The semi-detached slice of comfort has become a nightmare. A single tendril of lightless chitin rends its way through the afternoon air, and Walsh is borne back, back, back, into that yawning maw of darkness. The camera spins out of focus, and then crashes. Our last visible frame is a single, static glimpse at Walsh's screaming face in the bottom corner of the frame; enshrouded by blackness and half-faded into the shadows of a forgotten night. What once was, and what once will be.
The tape is blank. It has always been blank. It will always be blank.
A bellicose fire marshal swishes her nozzle at a newly hatched paedo.
Due to a misinterpretation of your will, your earthly possessions are donated to the local Conservative party and Robbie Williams' Angels is played exclusively at your funeral.
You buy your old man a Mrs Brown's Boys themed Father's Day card as a bit of a joke. He roars with laughter when he opens it up and reads it. Not even out of politeness.
Tony Blair's brown tooth laments yet another year of mouth prison.
You start a thread in H.S. Art, tittering happily about willies and bums and poo. Nobody replies so you reply to it yourself with more childish malformed thoughts about willies and bums and poo.
Nobody replies.
Nobody ever replies.
Ever.
Quote from: Poirots BigGarlickyCorpse on June 03, 2020, 09:10:02 PM
You start a thread in H.S. Art, tittering happily about willies and bums and poo. Nobody replies so you reply to it yourself with more childish malformed thoughts about willies and bums and poo.
Nobody replies.
Nobody ever replies.
Ever.
^ too real.
Actual post:
Your doctor reclassifies you from BASKET CASE to BIN CASE. The close of the coffee-stained folder makes a weak kind of
ffupp sound.
Fred Sirieix is found to be categorically "not of this world".
Fred Sirieix claims to have been born in a place called 'Limoges' which is a Gallo-Roman word meaning 'place where the cosmic eels spawn'.
Fred Sirieix has dyed a map into the blanched areas of his beard which - look just roll with it, Scully - it shows a clear map between Betelgeuse and the Sirieix System. I did a load of sheets for the overhead projector on this. He has a segmented thorax under his chef whites
Fred Sirieix is sometimes called upon to fry an egg on TV where he can be seen crying and whispering "for the good of the colony" under his breath.
"Good evening" you sneer into the mirror.
It is not evening. It is not good.
Bert falls through a wormhole into another wormhole.
"Let's rent Alf: The Movie" Rodger tells his penis in Blockbuster Video on the last day of VHS.
"Always the page-boy, never the groomer" laments a novice nonce-hunter.
A parade of purple penis beakers intrudes on a peaceful slumber after some dodgy calamari.
Elswick swimming pool is closed after the intensity of the evaporating urine sets off the smoke detectors of the prison next door.
A child is born but nobody likes it
A meth house out of product draws straws to decide which one will have their brain dehydrated for the others to smoke.
Quote from: pancreas on June 04, 2020, 01:12:39 PM
Elswick swimming pool is closed after the intensity of the evaporating urine sets off the smoke detectors of the prison next door.
Except there is no prison in Elswick, just Pancreas' house.
Quote from: pancreas on June 04, 2020, 03:36:32 PM
A meth house out of product draws straws to decide which one will have their brain dehydrated for the others to smoke.
Except there is no meth house in Elswick, just Pancreas' house
Quote from: BlodwynPig on June 03, 2020, 10:43:33 PM
"Good evening" you sneer into the mirror.
It is not evening. It is not good.
Very nice
'I probably should call my elderly parents this week', you think fleetingly as you set into hour three of Candy Crush
You phone the number on a lost cat poster to tell them your mother is called 'slag hammer' and you wield her every Thursday.
A greying, palsied hand mimes a tale of dissatisfaction.
A tortoise hidden in an Deliveroo pannier shites the last good of the world into a gutter.
The Queen announces the final annulment of her sexual desires by blowtorching her tits and kicking them up a corgi's yapping arsepipe. Stricken, and in a fit of senile discursion, Philip runs his own cock over with a 40 litre lawnmower and teabags the leftovers into her ungrateful cuntface. The entire loathly palace yawns itself into a puzzle box, then drifts down a ditch into a puddle of Cydrax.
suzanne moore, off her tits in an amsterdam café, makes a stoned post on twitter. hadley freeman thinks it's great.
Hadley Freeman is enough deso!
found elsewhere
Quote
"A fellow keeper used to hold parties at her apartment. One of the party games was Guess The Shit. She had brought tons of animal shit from work, and we had to guess what animal it came out of. And of course everybody nailed it because we all have intimate knowledge of feces of all kinds."
fuck you baked potato
A cankle riddled with bluebottles.
Looking through your parents' old photos, taken in the years before your birth.
They are smiling in all of them.
A big-money sequel to Nigel Farage is announced.
Will Gompertz soils himself in protest against some underdone toast.
Pancreas wakes up covered in Desolation threads. Try as he might he can't wash them off. 2 hours of scrubbing with a steel loofah leaves him raw and in agony, yet the desolation threads cling to his skinless torso and anus like starving bot flies gorging on rancid flesh.
"Bring me acid, bring me brine
Bring me vinegar, bring me wine!"
he pleads with his hideous reflection as the Salt Man delivers the weekly supply in fevered anticipation of the forthcoming theatre of pain.
KT Tunstall's new rap album
You craft an incredibly outrageous and utterly untrue account of an encounter you had with an entitled parent and post it to the subreddit of the same name.
"Lol, these stupid teenagers will believe anything," you say out loud to your empty house, chortling in delight over something that doesn't matter and which nobody your own age cares about.
What is a subreddit? What is a reddit?
Quote from: BlodwynPig on June 07, 2020, 08:34:50 PM
What is a subreddit? What is a reddit?
Now you fully grasp the extent of the desolation.
Goole's ghouls forsake the town's graveyards, stating in a press release that everyone "tastes disgusting"
Your family whatsapp thread descends into a passionate multi-pronged defence of Keir Starmer.
Irreparably ruined by overuse of online grot, the only thing Tony can use to get off with now is close-up shots of Michael Elphick during repeats of Boon on UKTV Drama.
Your dog got old so fast.
Pavel's doric clagnut frieze wins an award. An award for shittest ever frieze. At an award ceremony held in Pavel's head. In Rhyl.
Peter Jones invests none of the money for all of your sex drawings.
BlodwynPig is now too desolate for CaB.
Fiona bleaches her arsehole and sets up the Onlyfans because there's "no fucking way" she's putting up with an Infinity kitchen. "It's the Infinity Plus with Milano quartz worktop or nothing, Mike."
A lonely botanist rubs himself with the stamen of a brassica.
A newly-arrived owl in a copse has its head kicked in.
Patrick Aryee is crucified on a boab tree, on the off chance it'll bring in viewers.
Quote from: BlodwynPig on June 07, 2020, 08:34:50 PM
What is a subreddit? What is a reddit?
Desolation - Blodwyn Pig has changed his avatar. This is war, you utter bastard
You name your son Admin.
Quote from: touchingcloth on June 10, 2020, 01:11:57 AM
You name your son Admin.
At age 3, you interview him for the position of continuing to be your son
Your clavicle implores you for a love bite.
Your favourite shape is a dodecagon.
Awakening with a start, Shilton rises from his armchair feeling certain that his moment has come. After all those years spent trying to catch balls, he knows now that this is what he was truly born for. He is going to set the world to rights, and ride once more upon the shoulders of men. Right now, on Twitter (https://twitter.com/Peter_Shilton/status/1270421520758734849).
Shilton stirs in his sleep, certain he can hear tanks. His tanks, rolling down the streets to enforce his will. "Not again Peter. God, it's only 4am. Give it a fucking rest." But the pillows whisper instructions into what's left of his ears.
Your canaries are called Twitter and Reddit. They are shit-brown.
A cunt dwindles in a bin.
Becks does eleven keepy-ups while Harper watches.
The grey, sunken cunt of the world.
You are formally credited as the co-writer of Feva For The Flava.
The cognitive dissonance of being in agreement with Piers Morgan on a topic.
can't stop going to big Tesco every month for a leisurely two hour read of Viz. only time you get out the house, nothing else seems worth it
Bebbles the bog-troll wins a 2 week caravan holiday in Magnitogorsk. Let's the voucher lapse despite booking and travelling on 3 connecting flights to get there.
The cheese balancer goes to Derby to be told there are mites living in his rectum.
.
Your hopes are lifted for a split second when your boss announces that 2 colleagues are working overtime with you to make the numbers up. They are revealed to be 2 of the most bastard people you hate working with.
Facepalm!!!!!!!!
Neil Warnock replaces Jonathan Woodgate as Middlesbrough boss.
(words above deso works in any arrangement)
Trafficked from Bali only to be entombed by a paper boy.
An anal polyp scuppers your holiday plans.
"Have you ever noticed that it's always that you hide in an attic but you are locked up in a cellar?" mused the estate agent as he showed a remote house to an increasingly concerned client.
A Swansea taxi driver's Edinburgh one man show, An old dear in the headlights, about the time he ran over a pensioner outside the bingo hall, does worse than expected.
.
Quote from: batwings on June 23, 2020, 07:06:13 PM
"Have you ever noticed that it's always that you hide in an attic but you are locked up in a cellar?" mused the estate agent as he showed a remote house to an increasingly concerned client.
A rapist is commended for being the perfect blend between Gaston Bachelard and Josef Fritzl.
You can't stop crying at work. "It's just hay fever" you tell the girl who used to like you as you try to shake the masses of tear-clumped postage stamps from your sanitised slimed hands.
Your internal monologue sounds a lot like a pissed Hugh Scully.
"You've written this before" he antiquely slurs as you urinate into an empty bucket of fuck it.
Spent all weekend watching God TV, eating Tesco Value "Noodle Pots" and pushing his prolapsed arsehole back in.
A fortnight in Blackpool with an ounce of meth.
A neckbeard spends £583 on a Ltd Edition My Little Pony fedora.
you get on a train to Cambridge, pissed. you will nontheless end up in Motherwell
Some well meaning young children are taught 'the true meaning of batman' by a deluded utility belt enthusiast that got out of hand
(cheating with talk to transformer desolation)
Robot grief dog is stomping all over your keyboard, buzzing up the mechanism.
You are tracked down to Pripyat shivering with your trousers around your ankles. When interrogated you will only say 'good night yeah good night it's been a good night'
Your electric wheelchair is hacked by line dancing enthusiasts.
Richard Curtis uses the Covid-19 pandemic as the inspiration for a new Richard Curtis film, which turns out to be a gaggle of yummy mummies cheering on then sucking off brave Sir Boris Johnson at the podium of certain coronavirus.
An unprofitable art gallery is bulldozed and replaced by a solid gold statue of the 'White Lives Matter' plane.
A misunderstanding around the term "shit sandwich" results in the best canteen lunch for ten years.
There is a degree of chagrin over the rental term of a tabernacle.
A gif of Alfonso Ribeiro dragging his itchy anus across the floor like an unchecked sheepdog is called as a key witness in a Zoom meet remote rape case
James Corden and Rebel Wilson star in a CG-heavy remake of Yentl with 3 extra songs by Taylor Swift. Shawn Mendez plays the shtetl.
A sobbing rector crucifies his tortoise on a hire boat.
Quote from: Twit 2 on June 26, 2020, 12:37:23 AM
A sobbing rector crucifies his tortoise on a hire boat.
Laughed.
A Tiverton grief Councillor sentimentally weeps at the decommissioning of a chain ferry before going online to be a racist.
Your father gets the projector out so he can show the extended family his twitter feed.
You seriously injure your right elbow opening a jam jar.
The last two human beings left alive are kept mentally alert by the fluctuating prospect of being raped by the other one.
The tear in your ulnar nerve is confirmed. You are too ashamed to tell the osteopath how it happened.
A timid archaeology student with a hair lip is accused of being a witch in an Asda in Galashiels.
Jim Bowen can't work out how to use an ice cube bag.
23:30, July 4th 2020, every A&E department in England.
Somebody has now taken your bendy bully away from you.
A lamb gives up on a wank
BBC article 'What is the best pupper'
a heavy weed smoker copes with a two day break in supply and the whole flat is spotless, gleaming and full of household cleaning fumes. windows cracked even though it's baltic, windy and wet outside. eyes watering in pain, nose tingling from irritation, he sits down and ponders what to do for the next 31 hours
Chris Leslie cracks open the last of this season's reduced Galaxy easter eggs in his WWE themed man-cave and there's chocolate all over his face and the flies know that lunch is served.
Pubon's museum of mucus is interred due to black mould issues.
As you bleed out from a self-inflicted rectal injury, you find palliative solace in a plate of mashed egg whites.
You watch Mission Impossible 3, 4 and 5 in the same night that you call 'Mission Impossible Night'
A man erotically smothered in Pea Wet demands Gavin to 'go on, make me fart like a fucking Labrador'
An autistic man runs himself to death around an Ikea warehouse thinking it was a Tardis.
He knew it wasn't really a Tardis, but he had a fucking stalk-on all the way round.
A twenty-something alpaca enthusiast dies 1500 feet above sea level.
The man who sits opposite you in the office, before THIS all happened, sends you a link to his new album on bandcamp. He's keen to know what you think of it
Each song contains at least one reference to 'that fucking ugly cunt' from work that he 'has to look at day after day after day'
He's keen to know what you think of it, the album.
^You paid $11 for the download, and the t-shirt is still in the post.
^ the cover art reprod at massive size on the tshirt is a blurry/pixelated mess somehow still recognisable as a up your nose/chin view webstream freeze frame taken from a secret Matebook keyboard spy camera.
You'd wondered why it would randomly pop up when you hadn't touched it.
eta: image replaced with life deso/euphoria
video not mine
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IKY3hvYKPpA (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IKY3hvYKPpA)
A joke about the kids down at the dyspraxia society falling over themselves to help each other does quite well in the queue outside Domino's Yarm.
Enjoyed this bit of self-depricating deso on twitter.
(https://www.dogsonacid.com/attachments/upload_2020-6-30_22-54-28-png.182406/)
(https://www.dogsonacid.com/attachments/upload_2020-6-30_23-5-54-png.182408/)
(https://www.dogsonacid.com/attachments/upload_2020-6-30_23-6-53-png.182409/)
And this
(https://pbs.twimg.com/media/Eby9v6PXYAIYNBG?format=jpg&name=large)
Presumably they know it's gay 'cos the women boxes have antlers or eyelashes and a fanny or something.
Jim is wracked with such a plethora of digestive ailments that he can forge Monet's Water Lilies using just a brush and the contents of his colostomy bag.
Clive has Class II colitis but hasn't been able to find a public toilet open since COVID-19 started. He's now classed as the biggest public health emergency west of Swindon.
You wake up handcuffed to your screaming flatmate's bloody cock.
Your best mate in the entire world is a local character everyone calls 'Turds', best mate in the entire world.
Bilston. The long-awaited post-lockdown egg'n'spoon race consists of an egg and a spoon. They just sit there.
Good to get back to normal.
History all stinks of shit. History is not only the bin but the seedbank and ice core record of odiousness.
The Siege of Tyre that fucking stunk of shit. The Babington Plot: everyone involved and all the places featured stank of shit. Sex Pistols gig - stank of shit. Crimea - atmospheric strata defined by different extremely concentrated tiers of shit. Repealing the corn laws happened in a building an environment that notably stank of shit. The Hindenburg was a giant balloon that smelt of shit that crashed to ground, exploded and made everywhere else nearby smell of shit. The SAS remarked in 1980 how much like shit the siege of the Iranian Embassy in Kensington smelt of. Harold Larwood's cricket coffin smelt of shit. Confucius wrote every single word surrounded by an atmosphere of caked on shit festering on a hot day. Most naturalist writing such as Wordsworth is wish fulfilment for life to smell less like shit. Henry VIII was a man enveloped constantly by the stench of shit. Football referee David Elleray stank of shit
The Complete Desolation, Vol 1 (http://www.kenandstu.com/podcast/The%20Complete%20Desolation%20Vol%201.htm)
The Complete Desolation, Vol 2 (http://www.kenandstu.com/podcast/The%20Complete%20Desolation%20Vol%202.htm)
The Complete Desolation, Vol 3 (http://www.kenandstu.com/podcast/The%20Complete%20Desolation%20Vol%203.htm)
The Complete Desolation, Vol 4 (http://www.kenandstu.com/podcast/The%20Complete%20Desolation%20Vol%204.htm)
The Complete Desolation, Vol 5 (http://www.kenandstu.com/podcast/The%20Complete%20Desolation%20Vol%205.htm)
Quote from: madhair60 on July 02, 2020, 11:15:25 PM
The Complete Desolation, Vol 1 (http://www.kenandstu.com/podcast/The%20Complete%20Desolation%20Vol%201.htm)
The Complete Desolation, Vol 2 (http://www.kenandstu.com/podcast/The%20Complete%20Desolation%20Vol%202.htm)
The Complete Desolation, Vol 3 (http://www.kenandstu.com/podcast/The%20Complete%20Desolation%20Vol%203.htm)
The Complete Desolation, Vol 4 (http://www.kenandstu.com/podcast/The%20Complete%20Desolation%20Vol%204.htm)
The Complete Desolation, Vol 5 (http://www.kenandstu.com/podcast/The%20Complete%20Desolation%20Vol%205.htm)
All bound in leather. Had to pay the bespoke bookbinders all of your nan's inheritance but it was worth it. If only you had some shelves.
You are presented with a pleasant-smelling hamburger as a reward for diligence and perfect attendance.
You lift it to your mouth but ingress is denied by an outpouring of soil from your gullet. It just keeps coming. Soil. Soil. Soil.
You are trapped in Alf Stewart's hazy dream about a Ukrainian bicycle called Denys.
Martin spends the night on the sofa after comparing dinner to "that business with Savile."
Quote from: madhair60 on July 02, 2020, 11:15:25 PM
The Complete Desolation, Vol 1 (http://www.kenandstu.com/podcast/The%20Complete%20Desolation%20Vol%201.htm)
The Complete Desolation, Vol 2 (http://www.kenandstu.com/podcast/The%20Complete%20Desolation%20Vol%202.htm)
The Complete Desolation, Vol 3 (http://www.kenandstu.com/podcast/The%20Complete%20Desolation%20Vol%203.htm)
The Complete Desolation, Vol 4 (http://www.kenandstu.com/podcast/The%20Complete%20Desolation%20Vol%204.htm)
The Complete Desolation, Vol 5 (http://www.kenandstu.com/podcast/The%20Complete%20Desolation%20Vol%205.htm)
So Blodwyn invented Desolation?
The shite patter splattering between me and the Parcelforce delivery egg man, laughing awkwardly in our high viz nylon glee jean michel jarre-wear.
Fat hen's battys shitting out mangled beagle eggs all over the supplexed tin corpse of a BHS buffet counter, "breakfast is severe" barks the sweaty green buffering ghost of your old IT teacher.
A platoon of old men air-frying their pendulous scrotums under the hand dryers in the shopping centre toilets are assassinated by a nitrogen waste bot unleashed by a disgruntled Intu eremite
Teatime on a dreary Tuesday evening in 2052. Eggheads is still being broadcast.
Your manager calls you into the office to inform you that the pleasure receptors in your penis are now legal property of T WONNACOTTS MAD ANTIQUE LADS PLC
Quote from: Twit 2 on July 03, 2020, 10:24:41 PM
So Blodwyn invented Desolation?
Yes.
I would point out there are links on page 1 post 1 of this thread where that could have been revealed.
Real life deso:
A man (slightly depressed dad version of older Legend Gary) in a second video games/dvds shop demanding "Can I get Fornite from you or not"?
& shop bloke (stoner James (not Jim, James) Morrison slightly going gray) having to patiently explain it doesn't come on a disc, you have to download it, even if you bought it in a box from argos, all you get is a scratch off code for the app store & something you have to throw away, and he doesn't sell the codes because they'll be used and won't work.
Quote from: Shoulders?-Stomach! on July 04, 2020, 12:23:13 AM
Yes.
I would point out there are links on page 1 post 1 of this thread where that could have been revealed.
It was better when madhair linked it. He's better than you.
A great crested newt licenser weaponises stubble
Quote from: Sebastian Cobb on July 01, 2020, 12:46:47 AM
And this
(https://pbs.twimg.com/media/Eby9v6PXYAIYNBG?format=jpg&name=large)
Presumably they know it's gay 'cos the women boxes have antlers or eyelashes and a fanny or something.
GAY BOXES?!?!
A hospital porter tweets mindgeek to ask them if they offer an nhs discount.
Your favourite flavour or dragee is cum.
Hair plucked from Jeremy Kyle's pubic embankment allows your fringe transplant to take place on the channel 5 show - Plebs Do The Most Desperate Things. The rest of your head remains bald.
John Legend's less successful brother John Paedophile loses the patent to swastika shaped fish fingers.
first shag in twelve years and this (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Tjx_lKNvG5E) is the background music
In 2010, Slimani re-recorded the single in support of the England football team at the 2010 FIFA World Cup in South Africa. Aptly entitled "It's England Time", a play on "It's Chico Time", it uses the same basis as the original version, but with amended lyrics.[2] The song was first played on The Chris Moyles Show.[3] (https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/It%27s_Chico_Time)
Darius from 2001 cry-sings 'Hey now, hey now, Don't dream its over' to a terrified Austrian coach driver in the men's toilets of a M5 service station.
Jerome arrives late to the hospital and misses his daughter's final moments. His excuse that mooning Vera Lynn's funeral procession was a "once in a lifetime opportunity" fails to placate the rest of the family.
David Icke declares you to be his sexual orientation and he will stop at nothing
An assumed mourner soon imposes his status as champion gravestone seeder
Amazon delivery driver leaves his own corpse on your doormat. Arranging a return is proving surprisingly difficult.
A tinned soup YouTube reviewer places his Aunt into cloud storage.
A man with undiagnosed type 2 diabetes writes a parody version of Hey Nineteen by Steely Dan called Covid Nineteen which he sings with the original song as background accompaniment, in a YouTube video shot in portrait mode. It has 33 views and comments disabled.
The lovely healthy stir-fry you cooked yourself turns out to be toilet paint.
Quote from: Poirots BigGarlickyCorpse on July 07, 2020, 10:39:40 PM
The lovely healthy stir-fry you cooked yourself turns out to be toilet paint.
Laughed
What's toilet paint
brown paint
Quote from: Shoulders?-Stomach! on July 07, 2020, 11:43:11 PM
Laughed
What's toilet paint
A runny brown substance that easily coats a toilet bowl when blasted out at high pressure.
A rubble enthusiast sneers at the rendering of a rubble shaped birthday cake, before someone points out it is actually just some rubble.
Quote from: Shoulders?-Stomach! on July 08, 2020, 06:42:00 PM
A rubble enthusiast sneers at the rendering of a rubble shaped birthday cake, before someone points out it is actually just some rubble.
he says the taste is quite nice and he could see it being a little dessert niche, over lager afterwards
Quote from: Poirots BigGarlickyCorpse on July 07, 2020, 10:39:40 PM
The lovely healthy stir-fry you cooked yourself turns out to be toilet paint.
Weekly real-life deso
Your thundering climax to a soggy box of Honey Nut Loops from the 80s does little to block out the emotional turmoil of having been divorced by a non-binary wasp named Arlington.
The Plymouth Brethren are here. What do they want. What do they want.
Quote from: Shoulders?-Stomach! on July 09, 2020, 07:36:44 PM
The Plymouth Brethren are here. What do they want. What do they want.
Kraft singles, apparently.
Searching for "Prince When Doves Cry" on Youtube you inadvertantly alight upon a video of Prince Andrew raping Rebecca Pidgeon.
Quote from: Shoulders?-Stomach! on July 09, 2020, 07:36:44 PM
The Plymouth Brethren are here. What do they want. What do they want.
this becomes a football chant, used by clubs all over the place to taunt opponents. except when they play Plymouth Argyle
new forum, new community, new account, new avatar, and THIS time you're going to win them over by posting in the style of Bosh out of House of Fools, yer twat
.
I SAID A MING VASE NOT A MONGS ARSE
this continues for quite a while
The bin man keeps calling you gringo when you pass each other
You loudly correct a group of acquaintances in the pub that your specialism is anal sphincter electromyography (EMG) which is recorded with a small sponge electrode in the anal canal. The patient relaxes, squeezes and pushes. A computer records sphincter muscle electrical activity. Anal sphincter EMG confirms the proper muscle contractions during squeeze and muscle relaxation during push. NOT, as has been put out in the last few days, eel mating.
You awake and it swiftly is apparent your lounge has curdled.
Another murder to investigate. Just taking 10 minutes for a wee ciggie. Turns into a lunch hour, egg and cress sandwich and staring into space. Lunch becomes a day. Then a week. Then a month. No-one ever finds the killer. But they find you, in a squat, mattress crawling, stomach swollen like an overripe plum. There is nothing.
Edit bugs tightly packed into a rectum-filling sausage. £0.99, Halfords.
AutoSergei goes rogue and starts poisoning children in Beckenham and failing to identify best value deals.
A park and ride gypsy offers to polish your left bollock in exchange for a chaffinch pie.
Quote from: Shoulders?-Stomach! on July 11, 2020, 05:03:10 PM
AutoSergei goes rogue and starts poisoning children in Beckenham and failing to identify best value deals.
AutoSergei faxes your boss 250 CVs, all ex-members of S Club Juniors and all much better qualified than you are for operating the machines.
A deep sense of unease develops as you speak to the consultant who confirms that your surgeon 'fucking pissed it last time so man up'.
An accident with a waste compactor means that only half a person turns up at your funeral.
You do your best to sabotage the workings of a waste compactor so you don't have to attend the funeral of someone you were the only friend of, but it goes awry and now you have to use your kneecaps to communicate.
Intentionally starting a rumour that you're a pedophile
Staying up for 43 hours creating pixel art of the band Atlantic Starr.
Marrying a woman called Boswell
Finally falling off the Walrus and realising you are Jerry Hall and that the unpleasant taste and sensation in your mouth is in fact Rupert Murdoch's cock.
A ruddy faced man shouting about his refusal to wear a mask chokes to death on a passing bumblebee.
It's not the Batman theme of the pillow case that kills you, but it does make the smothering a bit harder to take.
you push a cucumber up your bum and wait until it goes mouldy
In your last will and testament, you leave all your wealth to a donkey sanctuary. Your lawyer takes all £38.25 in fees and buys a length of scaffolding pole and a Tesco Value wonky carrot.
Quote from: idunnosomename on July 15, 2020, 01:08:59 AM
you push a cucumber up your bum and wait until it goes mouldy
It does. It really does.
it rots away, leaving the pristine cucumber, still fresh as it was in Somerfield
At work, administering a general anesthetic to Dominic Raab, you find your belief in the hippocratic oath simply won't let you do the logical thing and keep opening the gas valve
Your dad has you saved in his phone as 'The Bothered Mong'.
The Kaiser Chiefs do impressions of you and they are not flattering.
Jive Bunny kicking the shit out of Deadmau5 after a disasterous cocaine and Rennie Rap-Eze-fuelled 'ironic' support slot.
Going round Grimsby fish market and all you want to do is LICK THE GILLS
lick the gills get your tongue right in there mmmm lalala
walking down the aisle to 'I LIKE TO MAUVE IT MAUVE IT! I LIKE TO MAUVE IT MAUVE IT"
the vicar calls for a wall of death as the aunts go absolutely tits off in the pit
In a 'who has the strongest thigh muscles contest' your thighs are deemed not even significant enough to warrant pitting against anyone, despite one of the contestants being a cat. You spend the next 2 hours mooching around the sports hall drinking orange squash and going 'yarite' now and then.
Seeing your dads google searches include "how to haev sex wiith girls" "woman pussy" "big boobs" and "lego Star Wars"
You kidnap David Attenborough and Katie Hopkins but you can't get them to mate.
Quote from: pancreas on July 17, 2020, 02:57:24 AM
You kidnap David Attenborough and Katie Hopkins but you can't get them to mate.
Really? If you put them both in a field I reckon Katie will initiate and they'd start to get it on. A weird thing that will happen is that David Attenborough, if he is still in the living phase, will probably start providing narration to his own romp.
'Round Barry' gets a gift shop stegosaurus lodged in his, well, you know.
Dog.
Quote from: rue the polywhirl on July 17, 2020, 08:02:12 AM
Really? If you put them both in a field I reckon Katie will initiate and they'd start to get it on. A weird thing that will happen is that David Attenborough, if he is still in the living phase, will probably start providing narration to his own romp.
Why don't you fucking try it then? Not keeping my fingers crossed for you, I'm afraid.
a Sonic The Hedgehog: Grenfel Tower Zone Mod arrives simultaneously too late and too soon
You Google 'stent'. The next 30 years of misery unfold before you. You insert another babybel into your pouch
Written in the filth on the back of a van: I wish my sister was this dirty
you study the instructions on a packet of McCain Oven Chips if it were a work of art.
Quote from: Spoon of Ploff on July 18, 2020, 04:32:37 PM
you study the instructions on a packet of McCain Oven Chips if it were a work of art.
... After all, it is your job as their employee to design the packets.
Quote from: Shoulders?-Stomach! on July 18, 2020, 07:16:27 PM
... After all, it is your job as their employee to design the packets.
...or it will be, if this letter-writing campaign works out. Been a long 12 years but they'll relent eventually.
Competitive hotdog eaters nearing limit of human performance
A maximum of 84 hotdogs in 10 minutes is possible, says sports science study
https://www.theguardian.com/food/2020/jul/15/competitive-hotdog-eaters-nearing-limit-of-human-performance
JML reject Hubert's De-smegging Wand despite the glowing testimonial of Dragon Duncan Bannatyne.
Your home shrine to the movie Hot Fuzz is 'wound down' by Bedfordshire County Council.
You begat a game of spin the bottle with many unknowing Post Office queuesters.
Terry's emotions are destroyed by an 90% acetonitrile diluent.
You are the nation's leading expert on elmswood wainscoting. Antiques Roadshow dismisses your job application as "too niche".
While unpacking the weekly shop Bill discovers he's bought the Smooth Peanut Butter by mistake.
Francesca chips a nail while dismembering her husband with a hacksaw.
Another bit of IRL desolation here https://www.essexlive.news/news/essex-news/colchester-man-wont-give-up-4334079
Stephen Hendry shoves Tony Meo into your shoulder as you pass a Snookerboyz! walkabout of St. Neots. Kirk Stevens pisses himself. Mike Hallet laughs like a gutter. Dean Morgan smiles at his own shoes.
The Viscount of Malmesbury is refused entrance to Bicester Halfords.
Sat crumpled in a glen curling out a comedown turd, and barking at every inch, while a clown perched in a tree leers at your backside.
Quote from: Spoon of Ploff on July 20, 2020, 07:01:00 PM
While unpacking the weekly shop Bill discovers he's bought the Smooth Peanut Butter by mistake.
She's going to fucking kill me
It's over
Might as well shag tell dog before she gets back
Realising that you have sacrificed your adult years on the altar of masturbation and salt and vinegar.
Paralysed, you can only communicate with a specially adapted rectal prolapse keyboard, you are dyslexic, illiterate and haven't got a bottom.
You war-game a tv show 'Britain's Greatest Laybys' in efforts to find the first sleep for weeks.
"News flash Martha! This isn't pickled beetroot!!"
a postman with screwdriver fingers.
You clamber atop an iron age hill fort in order to chunter about 'sinister chinese forces'.
In a competition to see who can menstruate hardest, it's you, you're the one who does so the most. Then, as you come to collect your prize of 11 garden gnomes, you fall.
In a hastily-arranged gymkhana revolving around toads, a fight breaks out over who is most Brexit.
I, claims Alan of Wigan
Nay, tis I! comes the retort from Gerald of Brent Cross Shopping Centre, parading around with a union jack flag tied around his general corpulence.
Some toads are subjected to a certain level of maltreatment at this event as well.
A geocache in Lower Earley contains a 1970s German jazz mag, and three racist puppets.
Postman Pat and the wrong black and white cat for four days before he notices
Quote from: Spoon of Ploff on July 23, 2020, 10:31:01 AM
A geocache in Lower Earley contains a 1970s German jazz mag, and three racist puppets.
A secondary investigation of the 'cache' uncovers that this is in fact Lower Earley in its entirety.
Stone Cold Steve Austin's funeral.
A policeman is failing to obscure your engorged genitals with his jacket as you twist and squirm against being removed from Babbacombe Model Village.
Your departure leaves a gaggle of horror struck children, wandering dazed around a heavily damaged miniature world; all is lightly painted in your faeces and bearing witness to your afternoon as a vengeful, attacking berserker giant.
Accusatory stares will follow you for a number of years but you will have little memory of your crimes other than feeling a sexual rush of pleasure when you try to recapture the events. This amnesia is partially down of the handful of LSD, ambien and dexys you have troughed, but more, because your head is in for a proper pulping, soon to be delivered by a very ticked off police sergeant.
The model village will cancel your season ticket.
No matter how hard you try as the baboon approaches, your anus grows only redder
Your hated neighbor runs ahead of you in Morrison's to grasp jealously the last pack of nappies.
"But he doesn't have children." you think to yourself.
Later, you peer between the fencing slats to see a fleet of pugs swarming about the overgrown garden, be-nappied. One lies dying.
"Bother." you think to yourself, as you feel a warm sensation upon your inner thigh.
An app showing the position of hot senior citizens in your area live and ready to fuck is hijacked by an organised burglary gang.
every visit to mum for seven weeks will be dominated by the phrase "county lines" that she heard on the news for the first time last week. fifty-six days until the next spin of the wheel. hope it's something that won't lead her into starting a fight with herself next time
Gary makes his first post-lockdown, non-food purchase: a FailArmy T-shirt.
A sausage roll provides enough calories for a genocide in Hull.
A Michelin star chef reopens his restaurant and receives his first order.
"Cheesy Chips"
Hello 'S'Ploff'! Time to come back to Netflix.
And you do. You always do.
Your aunt buys you dental dams for Christmas. Seems to be some suggestion of usage, what
Donald Trump goes around Washington on a special trike he calls the "Trumpsical", distributing hand sanitizer that only has 20% alcohol in it.
A lone wolf tries to get #Starmertroopers trending on twitter.
Your kids self-publish a sideways take on the Terry Christian multiverse.
A Mike Berry tribute act flops on a wet Monday in Cleethorpes.
Quote from: Sebastian Cobb on July 19, 2020, 11:43:46 PM
Competitive hotdog eaters nearing limit of human performance
A maximum of 84 hotdogs in 10 minutes is possible, says sports science study
https://www.theguardian.com/food/2020/jul/15/competitive-hotdog-eaters-nearing-limit-of-human-performance
A national newspaper describes competitive eating as "elite competition".
Quote from: the midnight watch baboon on July 25, 2020, 02:54:14 PM
Your kids self-publish a sideways take on the Terry Christian multiverse.
Terry Christian is the lead role in a sequel to Sideways.
You're out in the the garden, dressed as a playing card, painting the roses with blood.
Your Duisburg coprophiliac mate rents some shat on dodgems and exclusive rights to the tune Return of The Mack for your birthday.
Busting a covid lung on the fondant ward to 'Glory Days'
'I want lung cancer, like my hero Roy,' pipes up little Aziz.
A masturbating gelfling is discovered at the back of Forbidden Planet, Birmingham, ruining the gentle movie magic for a bunch of Brummagem geeks.
"GET OUT OF THE FUKIN POND YOU CUNT"
The 10 year old goldfish is nonplussed.
A black hole accidentally reverses it's functions and spunks a universe.
10 FORKS IN A BURNT SUASAGE.
The bbq didn't go as planned.
You spend 48 hours alone in the dark, wanking to fetish porn. You emerge from the horror a changed pleb, losing much of your dignity and sense of perspective on the globe.
Quote from: Glebe on July 25, 2020, 06:33:37 PM
A Matt Berry tribute act astonds the finest minds of stevenage
Bernie Clifton disowns Ostrich in the press. "He never meant much to me. We split up on bad terms. I'd like to say I wish him the best with the rest of his career but that would be a lie."
Andrew Lloyd Webber - inspired by Hamilton - tells the story of Nelson through grime and isn't so much cancelled as ended.
Boris Johnson says "Ah fuck it, I hate you all. Fuck the nation! I WILL KILL YOU ALL!"
Quote from: Glebe on July 30, 2020, 02:58:03 AM
Boris Johnson says "Ah fuck it, I hate you all. Fuck the nation! I WILL KILL YOU ALL!"
The Tories go up eighteen percentage points in the next round of opinion polls.
A man breaks down in front of a family in the pet food aisle of Morrisons,clutching a can of Winalot and announcing his addiction to penis enlargement pills.
The first batch of M&Ms/Covid-19 Christmas tie-ins roll off the production line. The MD traps one under his shiny loafer and swaps winning nods with his perky assistant, Brock.
An artist submits you as a Turner prize entry
An Anglican curate's assembly veers into mulch speculation and pubis.
Quote from: Glebe on July 25, 2020, 06:33:37 PM
A Mike Berry tribute act flops on a wet Monday in Cleethorpes.
Matt Berry killed in the zimmer frame crossfire. Nick still going strong.
A methed up Bob Ross headbutts a wardrobe.
Boris Johnson jibbers his way to a another election victory.
Dan Cruickshank pays the equivalent of £316 to shit inside the Great Pyramid Of Giza. He doesn't wipe.
One of the ingredients in your dim sum is 'porno'.
While sunburning in Rhyl, you giddily misinterpret a property valuation report as signifying your 1980s semi-detached in Swindon is a listed building.
All forms of avian shit rain down on you with unearthly vengeance, including chicken.
You put your car in for a service, ask when you'll get it back
"You're not getting it back mate, fuck off"
Nothing you can say to that
the voice at the other and of the phone dismisses you, "no, Macmillan don't help people with cankers"
Andrew Marr goes into a secret cubicle at the BBC and sacrifices a dolphin to Esther Rantzen.
Unable to stop yourself from watching a Flog It marathon the day after your dog dies.
Drinking tuna brine.
A tribute act of a tribute act.
Your DVR is buggered, so in desperation, you break out the old VHS player and tape over a rare VHS recording of Frank Sinatra duetting with Sid Vicious for an hour with tonight's edition of The One Show, featuring guests Fay Ripley and Jeffrey Archer, plus a look at cowpats.
You crucify yourself over a missed opportunity to speak to that one barista who smiled at you once, have a sandwich then kill yourself in a pedalo.
You ask Peter Capaldi for his autograph but he just growls and says "Fuck Who!"
You dob yourself in for accidentally upskirting an old man's balls.
Murmurs of concert echo around the courtroom as they decide to make an example of you.
A lost episode of All Creatures Great and Small is aired, in which Christopher Timothy shoves his arm up a cow's chuff and pulls out a baby with the head of Jim Davidson
^Heh!
A drunken Tom O' Connor embarrasses his grandkids at a 21st Birthday bash in a Bootle pub by putting on a home-made Lady Gaga mask and singing "my new pop smash, The Poker Face!"
Quote from: Glebe on August 02, 2020, 12:25:01 AM
A drunken Tom O' Connor embarrasses his grandkids at a 21st Birthday bash in a Bootle pub by putting on a home-made Lady Gaga mask and singing "my new pop smash, The Poker Face!"
Lovely to have you back, flower
Your bowel movement requires attendance from an Incident Support Unit
Quote from: Pingers on August 02, 2020, 12:33:27 AM
Lovely to have you back, flower
:)
You but mint ice cream in Lidl but it's not one of those cheap-but-tasty buys. And you don't even
like mint ice cream (well
I don't anyway).
the council accidentally removed your area from the available housing list 18 months ago and you've only just figured out nobody else lives on the estate any more. you feel like Kevin McAllister, on an industrial scale. For this week, at least
Real life deso: Walking towards the park the other morning. Competitive dad with well-set JohnBarrowmanesque haircut sprints past on the other side of the road. A small child is scampering along in his wake. Dad keeps looking back at his progeny, as if they were a new pair of trail approach trainers that weren't living up to their £140 billing. "C'mon, c'mon. C'mon." Then, thirty seconds later, another child! Even littler and clearly not enjoying his morning run, which is hampered by his miniature build and also stymied by his amputated left arm. Dad starts circling back to the straggler, "Harry, c'mon! Keep up with your brother! C'mon!" - before sprinting off way ahead of his boys, down that cut that takes you around the medical centre and disgorges you near 'Spoons. Harry follows.
Last weekend your girlfriend bought a tandem. Today you find a stranger's semen on the rear seat. Nervously you sniff the front one.
Nothing is ever spherical enough.
Quote from: dissolute ocelot on August 02, 2020, 12:28:23 PM
Last weekend your girlfriend bought a tandem. Today you find a stranger's semen on the rear seat. Nervously you sniff the front one.
'Ah, well.' you think. 'It's easy money'.
You're just about to have a nice afternoon kip when the arsehole next door starts doing really loud gardening.
Quote from: the midnight watch baboon on August 02, 2020, 12:24:04 PM
around the medical centre and disgorges you near 'Spoons.
always a good idea to have a medical centre near a 'spoons
Bogged down in a gloom-mire.
You are unknowingly used as the "before" example in the advertising material for a life improvement course.
Your long-lost uncle sends you a crap post card which simply states "Because you never bothered visiting me I am leaving you out of my will. Yes, I know I am 'long-lost', but you could have made the effort to track me down here in Outer Mongolia. Anyway you will not see a single penny my not-insubstantial fortune. Take care now!"
After brief consideration, you are disinherited by a beagle.
A rival paedophile heritage centre wins that lottery grant you were after.
Your pupils eat your irises.
Quote from: the midnight watch baboon on August 03, 2020, 08:50:16 AM
Your pupils eat your irises.
your retaliation makes the news for weeks and destroys your teaching career, but you make more money and get more recognition when you end up on the stand-up circuit for a few years. plus the residual celebrity filler telly gigs
Lewis Hamilton inspires a generation of black kids to go round in circles really fast.
Signed off due to stress from your job counting clouds.
Quote from: DoesNotFollow on August 03, 2020, 11:36:45 AM
Lewis Hamilton inspires a generation of black kids to go round in circles really fast.
Lewis Hamilton inspires a generation of Darren kids to puncture their left front tyre and leave it like that
You take up lovely crack to get over your M&M addiction. Then your coat gets snagged exiting an Uber and a cement lorry takes your heid aff.
Meet your new step dad, Roy "chubby" Brown!
Quote from: FerriswheelBueller on August 03, 2020, 03:23:48 PM
Meet your new step dad, Roy "chubby" Brown!
He fits right in to your family WhatsApp group
The Food Standards Agency taser you to death after your picnic attracts a 1* rating and you refuse to stop eating some mini cheddars which fell into a dog shit.
There is a problem in Oswestry involving your heels.
Crushed by a pallet of fray bentos pies.
Rocco Siffredi is revealed as the new face of Ginsters.
Quote from: poo on August 03, 2020, 06:58:41 PM
Rocco Siffredi is revealed as the new face of Ginsters.
Laughed
Bob Dylan's deathbed autotunes to Techno.FM
Jacob Rees-Mogg tapping his foot to a muzak version of Lighthouse Family's 'Lifted' on the drive to work.
Quote from: pancreas on August 03, 2020, 05:46:33 PM
The Food Standards Agency taser you to death after your picnic attracts a 1* rating and you refuse to stop eating some mini cheddars which fell into a dog shit.
Very funny
Nick Owen spots Flog It! presenter Paul Martin and his family on holiday in the Seychelles and starts photobombing all his holiday snaps. Eventually Martin takes Owen aside and explains, "Look Nick, I like you and everything but my family aren't happy with you jumping in every time we take a holiday snap. Just fuck off, okay?"
Giddy, exciting, whirlwind romance, great sex, a real looker, gets on great with all your friends and family, more great sex, shares all your kinks, beautiful wedding on nicest day of the year, incredible honeymoon on a tropical island paradise. It's only after all this that you discover your new spouse pronounces vase 'vaise'
Quote from: Pingers on August 05, 2020, 10:14:47 AM
Giddy, exciting, whirlwind romance, great sex, a real looker, gets on great with all your friends and family, more great sex, shares all your kinks, beautiful wedding on nicest day of the year, incredible honeymoon on a tropical island paradise. It's only after all this that you discover your new spouse pronounces vase 'vaise'
That's just beyond deso. I'm lost for words.
Your marriage proposal 'M A r r y M e' spelled in Pringles on the bed, is excitedly accepted
Quote from: Shoulders?-Stomach! on August 05, 2020, 02:46:31 PM
Your marriage proposal 'M A r r y M e' spelled in Pringles on the bed, is excitedly accepted
Shouldn't this be in Euphoria?
Trong of Wigan's breath smells of dog shit even on the days he doesnt eat dog shit.
Quote from: FerriswheelBueller on August 03, 2020, 04:11:22 AM
After brief consideration, you are disinherited by a beagle.
After brief consideration, you are disinherited by Jeremy Beadle.
Quote from: Bence Fekete on August 03, 2020, 11:44:15 PM
Bob Dylan's deathbed autotunes to Techno.FM
Bob Dylan's deathbed groans become an autotuned no 1. played on Techno.FM and other hip & happening radio stations.
(https://i.imgur.com/Q041jex.png)
Trong of Wigan balances a turd under his nose and upper lip. 'There', he exclaims. 'Happy now?'
He is.
a comedian's opening line to a Wigan audience is "Pies." howling
A meteor kills your dog Martin.
Quote from: Glebe on August 10, 2020, 11:01:22 PM
A meteor kills your dog Martin.
hey, a meteor killed your dog, Martin
Quote from: petrilTanaka on August 11, 2020, 12:39:29 AM
a meteor killed your dog Martin?
One for the "unlikely Kilroy episodes" thread (that doesn't exist)
dragging yourself through life like a wet fly on a garden table
Quote from: Glebe on August 10, 2020, 11:01:22 PM
A meteor kills your dog Martin.
Hey, do you know your dog, Martin?
Meteor killed him
Quote from: Glebe on August 10, 2020, 11:01:22 PM
A meteor kills your dog Martin.
Hey, do you know who's dog, called Martin, was killed by a meteor?
Yours
Quote from: rilk on August 11, 2020, 02:33:53 AM
dragging yourself through life like a wet fly on a garden table
That's absolutely ace
'NAH my name is #DRAGON—FLY/WHAT, my brother, yeah it's all one word,' explains Simon to his fibre broadband provider.
Quote from: Pingers on August 05, 2020, 10:14:47 AM
Giddy, exciting, whirlwind romance, great sex, a real looker, gets on great with all your friends and family, more great sex, shares all your kinks, beautiful wedding on nicest day of the year, incredible honeymoon on a tropical island paradise. It's only after all this that you discover your new spouse's favourite food is "cheesy chips".
Beer52 send you a crate of Volvic with a note inside that just says "Mate".
Saying "Hey now" to an unforeseen driving event on a nondescript Midlands roundabout does not save you from life-changing surgical interventions. Also, you can forget about the ice cream in the boot. The wife's going to be so fucking angry.
You wake slowly in the converted loft of your elderly mother's bungalow. A sound below you draws you sharply back to consciousness, and you sit bolt upright in bed. You crack your head on the shelf above you and send your collection of Hillary Clinton Funko Pops scattering across the floor. As you rub your head, you glance at the clock next to you. 18:44.
Your faculties return and the sound that awoke you becomes clearer. Mother has brought another suitor home from the bingo. Every groan and moan, every wet creak, the sound of every laboured thrust reaches you through the paper-thin floor. You sit in silence, and gradually grow tumescent. Your eyes are drawn to the old carcass of the watermelon sat on the desk opposite. That small hole in the surface, once bright red and inviting, is now a bluish shade of black, ruined by your seed. Despite this you think to yourself, "it'll be good for one more go".
Craig David makes his excuses and leaves your birthday party after 45 minutes.
You see him on Instagram later that evening laughing it up with Daniel Bedingfield.
(https://i.imgur.com/bP3ORKi.png)(https://i.imgur.com/IP22TZN.png)
Mr Chips from Catchphrase signs the sex offenders register.
A draining ringstinging shit moves into its 3rd hour. Slowly but surely, the strains of 'Dance The Night Away' by The Mavericks migrates amongst the deathly vapours.
Your postman delivers proof that your life is based on the comedy of Ray Romano.
July 28: cleaning out your garage you find your snow shovel. You decide to put it somewhere you will find it in the winter. After tripping over it 20 times, you throw it angrily to the back of your garage.
January 28: your car is trapped in a snow drift. Your children eat you.
Your parents stop speaking to you after you are denounced as a 'woofter' in a papal bull.
The crabsticks have warmed in the boot of the car
Your wife's face as you attempt to explain the concept of "Goldentony".
Quote from: Huxleys Babkins on August 12, 2020, 10:07:06 PM
Your wife's face as you attempt to explain the concept of "Goldentony".
Hit very close to home.
Being spam followed by him from Manson with a boxset to sell.
Real life twitter desolation.
Wife says the dog's name during sex
Quote from: Leon-C on August 13, 2020, 02:48:29 AM
Wife says the dog's name during sex
Laughed
Dog says the wifes name during sex. Then your name.
You unwrap a Penguin bar without first reading the joke.
A jobbing copywiter subsequently feels a jolt of longing flash across his breast.
You successfully trademark the phrase "Big Nonce Energy"
Bob Pate posts, just running chubby chops down to the 'rexia clinic, on Wolverhampton Dadz Fb page.
You celebrate easing of lockdown restrictions with a three week holiday in a dustbin in Shite Land.
scraping slugs off the kitchen floor on a piece of card and yeeting them out the front door like a boss
(might also belong in euphoria)
THERE IS A SLUG ON MY BATHROOM WINDOW WHY?????/
(also real life deso - remembering you're a 40 year old British white girl and using words like yeet makes you sound like a right divvy).
(google chrome spellchecker refuses to recognise either deso or yeet as words).
You can't sleep and so start your own bumming conga line with imaginary naked people.
(https://pbs.twimg.com/media/EfZY4T1XYAMlJkl?format=jpg&name=small)
Haha
Mint
You wake up to a world where cartoon characters can die of old age and illness, and they start doing, really quickly, upsetting millions.
Beer then wine, you'll feel fine
Wine then beer, you'lYOU NOW HAVE AIDS
Quote from: Sebastian Cobb on August 15, 2020, 11:40:18 AM(https://pbs.twimg.com/media/EfZY4T1XYAMlJkl?format=jpg&name=small)
That bloke out of East 17 has put on weight.
The comments under any post in the /r/AlanPartridge subreddit.
Quote from: FerriswheelBueller on August 15, 2020, 07:43:11 PM
The comments under any post in the /r/AlanPartridge subreddit.
including the inevitable defence of said comments. 24m36s in you already know which fucking episode
The man down the street who ran over your cat also runs over you intellectually later on at quiz night.
Up The Arse Coroner.
(https://i.guim.co.uk/img/media/8f819910e2e9e8210f81d9ed48a82acecee0bfb1/0_48_3500_2100/master/3500.jpg?width=1225&quality=85&auto=format&fit=max&s=090a81939fc419c862e4f8ed3b8ffd03)
A suburban picture framer puts up 4 entirely different notices in his shop across 6 weeks, all about being closed for 'a family bereavement'.
A Scottish widow insists she 'goes like the fucking clappers mate', even when all you are doing is absent mindedly standing watching a teenager fail to claw a mobile phone from the Nineties out of an amusement arcade machine.
You are denied entry to an eagerly anticipated snail varnishing contest for being 'a paedo on every conceivable level'.
Guildford Secondary School admission criteria now includes being able to answer the question 'How big is a bogey?'
In the middle of giving you a filling, your dentist looks aghast and runs to the phone to get advice from the builder.
Elon Musk sends a dog-staffed shuttle towards an oily finger smudge on his astronomy app.
Flowers suck all the air out of a house
An alleged mugging victim refuses to expand on his description of the assailant as 'An asian'.
'That is plenty to go on'
Press-ganged into a role as a Gunt Analyst
Quote from: the midnight watch baboon on August 18, 2020, 09:38:43 AM
Elon Musk sends a dog-staffed shuttle towards an oily finger smudge on his astronomy app.
The coffin of a starving child is put into orbit next to the Tesla to properly communicate the yin and yang of human values to any passing aliens.
Warwick Davies is confirmed as untenable
An abortion in a gastro-pub car park becomes its next manager.
A rotund droid packed to the tits with shit stands in a clearing and bellows FUCK SUPER SPREADERS HERE'S MY DIRTY PROTEST
Stephen Merchant's "nibbles" become redeemable to the tune of £11.17 at CashConverters.
Upon blowing out the candles on the cake marking his 60th birthday, Gerald stuns the well-wishers by divulging that he had wished for a donkey in a sex swing.
You stay up all night wanking to hardcore porn and slouch on the bus to work in a fug of guilt, shame and exhaustion.
To provide much needed closure, all the current employees of Public Health England earning less than 100k are gassed en masse in Alfreton Services' Travelodge.
The RSPCA are instructed to remove the bodies and not to tell a soul, or Battersea Dogs Home will be next.
Your PhD on Alanis Morissette is rejected because you spelt her name with two Rs throughout. Because it's the 90s you didn't use a word processor. Also you confused her with Stephen Morris from New Order on several occasions.
Outfucked by a fat old disaster
Quote from: dissolute ocelot on August 19, 2020, 07:52:34 PM
Your PhD on Alanis Morissette is rejected because you spelt her name with two Rs throughout. Because it's the 90s you didn't use a word processor. Also you confused her with Stephen Morris from New Order on several occasions.
ooh thats a bit IRONIC isnt it!?!
your uncle says upon hearing the news, elbowing you
you look into his eyes
is he a total fucking idiot or a genius?
the answer, you realise, is
yes
Quote from: Cuellar on August 19, 2020, 08:09:08 PM
Outfucked by a fat old disaster
incredible economy here
Bin maggots.
Your bin maggots launch a GoFundMe to relocate to an abandoned Frankie and Bennys in Wrexham.
Hattie Jacques and Kenneth Williams sing 'Oh Dear What Can the Matter Be?' as Sid James is slowly eaten alive by mealy worms.
You reach across the bed to caress your bleeding kidnapped donkey
You film yourself getting a blow job from a friend out of a didgeridoo but PornHub removes it after it is flagged as cultural appropriation.
A bin maggot takes over your house after throwing you in the bin.
A cromulent essayist gets all listerine gargle down his front.
You find the remnants of a Tesco Ready Meal in a dumpster.
Quote from: Glebe on August 22, 2020, 05:57:35 PM
You find the remnants of a Tesco Ready Meal in a dumpster.
You find the remnants of a dumpster in a Tesco Ready Meal.
David Dickenson farts loudly in a tea shop in Devon.
a hack writer can't come up with a good American newsreader name so just writes Fart Loudly
Get Your Own Back returns but it's paedophiles getting to gunge the child that grassed them up
A series of Tesco products are tainted by shards of metal in a blackmail scam. Nobody even notices.
You stroll down Shittington Avenue, a sense of oppression and inhumanity glooming over you.
As penance for writing him a poor joke, Russell Howard requires you to devour his cum from a plate, with a knife and fork.
"That's not devouring!" he exclaims, cavorting. Could he please put some clothes on.
Quote from: idunnosomename on August 23, 2020, 09:44:23 AM
Get Your Own Back returns but it's paedophiles getting to gunge the child that grassed them up
Beadle's About returns with a similar format tweak
You get a 'Save £12 off £120 shop' voucher from Waitrose before realising you have £108 in your account and you don't want to rack up £120 at Waitrose. But the voucher compels you to.
You cook a lovely roast but when you cut it open it's got all worms inside.
Simple as that.
Jeremy Paxman presents a documentary on Pacman. It's 2 hours of him looking bewildered in an underlit arcade with all the machines turned off, interspersed with subliminal flash-frames of gurning MDMA users.
Your anus turns on you.
A hungover Dave Lee Travis awakens to find the words "IDEA:The Subway DLT sandwich - Duck, Lettuce and Tomato. REDEMPTION?!" scrawled on his bedroom mirror in Anusol.
A pensioner's wank garage appears as a POI on Apple maps.
You pass Roni Size in the street and chirp, "Wow, I'm your biggest fan!" But Roni just looks at you disdainfully and tells you to fuck off.
Quote from: Glebe on August 24, 2020, 05:30:52 PM
You pass Roni Size in the street and chirp, "Wow, I'm your biggest fan!" But Roni just looks at you disdainfully and tells you to fuck off.
Your attempt to lighten the situation by pointing out the Brown Paper Bag in your hand falls very flat indeed.
Old Mavis is bottling bin juice again.
#binjuice
#mavis
A Formula One fan sits down to watch the Formula One.
All of a sudden, nothing happens.
Boaby McBride tries, and fails, to work out the exact moment his wife turned into Ernest Borgnine.
Jeffrey Archer strangles a fox and leaves it behind a council house.
David Van Day's postman has a fatal shit.
A man in Havering has life-sized cardboard-cutouts of all the original Ghostbusters cast and he arranges them in his living room and talks to them every day.
Kev's campaign to restore the 1987-2004 classic tap line-up - Stella-Foster's-Kroney-John Smith's-Strongbow - to every pub in the land hits 24.2 million wet signatures.
A cold Monday evening, crap fish supper. Nothing on TV. Raining. Bed.
Jacob Rees-Mogg does a YouTube video encouraging children to return to school. "It's back! SCHOOL! Get y'copy books and pens ready kids and get ready to do some hard work!"
He repeatedly rings his secretary later to check her computer and see if its "gone virulent".
Denzil gets his arse out for Seal Boy
Frantisek is shown the wrong way how to use a Ruthenian buttering wand.
Steve Jobs is your spirit animal.
Nigel Mansell appears to you in a vision one night and tells you there's going to be lots of plumping issues in the house soon, beware!
24hr local forecast: a persistent grey, jizzy breeze.
Up all night irrigating your bowel with your mum's water flosser.
Your neighbour stares rudely in your window as you play your Xbox. Cunt.
Your anus is described as "pompous" by TV's Charlie Stayt.
your lesbian aunt goes off on a rant that basically says she'd rather get rid of all the trans women and just have awful men raping her because they think that will cure her
"sure, whatever shuts her up" is the family response
Your soufflé falls very, very flat.
Cheered on by your mother, your childhood bully laugh-wanks over your obituary.
'The grave level wank shite he produces boggles the mind, but that's an oriental pegleg for you, right there'
Fortunately translating this school report into Cantonese leads his parents to believe great strides are being made. (Not in P.E, obviously)
Salman Rushdie describes your debut novel as "AIDS-tier".
Charred sex attacker fingers in a diseased paddling pool are rated 'Yum, 5 stars' by Alice from Swindon.
Your wife attempts to leave you for the child character in Love Actually
Rose West's Onlyfans raises £20,000 in the first ten days of opening.
Man found slumped dead at keyboard. Hmm, doesn't look like a great way to go, think the parents.
"He died doing what he loved", they tell the press. "Trolling 'libtards' on a UK comedy forum."
The headstone reads: 'So much for the tolerant left'.
Ed Miliband is admitted to hospital with Peperami poisoning.
Broken on the wheel. Smashed and ground into beetle tits by the hierarchical dysfunction of Costcutters area management.
Your loneliness reaches Talk Sport regular caller level.
A wrong turn in a park results in a bumming by a haunted space hopper.
Gary Rhode's ghost wanders aimlessly around the bins behind a Swansea TK Maxx.
Your anal prolapse goes viral.
QuoteGary Rhode's ghost wanders aimlessly around the bins behind a Swansea TK Maxx.
'I wish I was Gary Rhodes' ghost', it laments, even more desolately.
Stained gallops in Barrymore slather
Happy birthday Mister Presidennnnt
Joe Swash gets into a fistfight with Rik Waller in a carpark in Staines. A crowd gathers around and eggs them on.
You wander around the rainy Mendips, as a mood-cloud tugs y'down.
You aimlessly walk into Elmers End.
the cremation service numbers are bolstered by a Light Entertainment Audience, who clap along to the final music
Genuinely excited about the prospect of a cesspit.
David Icke finds solace in a can of Tennents Super.
David Icke bickers with an episode of Painting With Bob Ross.
David Icke composes a passive aggressive email to the Postcode Lottery.
Peter Hook crashes your nan's 90th birthday party, pisses against the cake, and offers you outside for a fight.
He's waiting for you in the car park, stripped to the waist in the rain.
What are you going to do?
Your family look expectantly towards you.
You know what they're like, time to decide.
Come on, make up your mind, before the chicken noises.
That cunt of a cousin of yours, Frank, he'll start it, just like always.
Time to decide now before the...
BWAWK!
Too late!
Now, what will you do?
the Gary Rhodes biopic stars Robert Webb as that's the best they could be arsed to find
You are informed that your mum has died and that she has donated her body to Heron Foods.
Your status as a compost is confirmed in writing by The Soil Association.
Quote from: batwings on August 28, 2020, 05:20:36 PM
A wrong turn in a park results in a bumming by a haunted space hopper.
Nick Straker makes a soon to be failed attempt at a comeback via an 'edgy' rewrite hoping to go viral on tiktok
Wrong turn in a park, get bummed in the dark
it's bouncing away, space hoppers today...
Quote from: petrilTanaka on August 30, 2020, 11:56:36 AM
the Gary Rhodes biopic stars Robert Webb as that's the best they could be arsed to find
When you're making ricotta, he'll be with you every step of the whey!
Dead at 23. Funeral service. Dad's eulogy - "it's just one of them".
A KFC grease sluicer is berated for 'not giving 110% for the shirt' by his store manager who says that Lakeisha, Matt and Sophia, by contrast 'left everything out on the pitch tonight'.
You told them you'd been to Magaluf with with your lass.
You'd spent the week in the dark, in your pants, watching Boon.
You think of your granny during sex to delay orgasm, and of your nanna to accelerate it.
Your mum know nooothing. She is from Barcelona.
The local paedophile arrives in his van to deliver the weeks soil milk.
You have never seen Alan Partridge so don't understand why everyone laughs after you shouted 'No chance, Scottish?' about your prospects of getting a girlfriend.
Your anus is furloughed.
Your chemo nurse is in cahoots with Wayne Sleep, informs a fortune cookie, when properly decoded.
A judge places a compulsory proximity order on you, legally requiring you to at all times keep within 5 feet of Simon Bates.
Almost everyone you were at school with has forgotten you, except for the bully, your nemesis, who still has the occasional gloat-wank about you.
You form a supergroup with Johnny Borrell and the drummer from the Pigeon Detectives.
You have a gloat-wank while thinking about Johnny Borrell and the drummer from the Pigeon Detectives.
Peter Hook auctions a 20GB 4th generation iPod "once owned by Ian Curtis".
The Ebay algorythm highlights a cassette player "once owned by Ian Brady".
The Youtube algorythm highlights a "BBC Feminazi once owned by Jordan Peterson".
Quirky science perv Jelson Flint liquidates his entire research advance on a professional class laser interferometer, only to discover --after feverishly unboxing at 4am to experiment on traumatized Hugh Pym sexdoll and somewhat stoic lover, 'Hughie'-- that it wasn't that kind of interferometer.
A seagull slurps up chip soup from a greasy puddle.
The local pastor tickles his nads with stinging nettles pulled from your nanas grave.
The Pharoah consecrates his tomb with a proper long wank. Edging over papyrus scrolls for two hours.
Aliums have been observing you your whole life. They think you're stupid a cunt.
Your 'slem' readings (whatever they are) have gone through the floor.
A 30 year collection of bottled cadaver farts is sold to an Anne Widdecombe superfan.
An algorithm classifies you as "Actual human dung"
Question Time invites Rose West onto the panel for "balance".
A Jesuit nonce takes his secret to his grave.
Man dies of covid trying to make a dark gritty batman film
Gerald's collection of recordings of the Test Card F Girl, made on V2000 video cassettes, is rendered unwatchable. He has no tissues left to cry into
And Epstein wept, for there were no more child anuses to conquer.
After calling out a repairman who turns out to cost significantly more than the price of even a high-end luxury toaster, you find that every morning for the last 3 years your budgie has been flying over your polished-steel four-slot Dualit and systematically shitting in every slot.
A grotty human bollock makes daily trips to Thatcher's grave to read her the latest COVID mortality figures.
An Ant & Dec Saturday Night Takeaway writers meeting ends after nearly seven hours with nothing more than the word "BELMING" written on the whiteboard.
Quote from: ollyboro on September 03, 2020, 11:12:50 PM
Gerald's collection of recordings of the Test Card F Girl, made on V2000 video cassettes, is rendered unwatchable. He has no tissues left to cry into
every gesture of condolence is met with a bitter "SHE HAD A NAME. IT WAS CAROLE HERSEE... AND BUBBLES...". The sobs stop any more info being dumped on ears that won't even bother to register
A piglet-fucker gets called a disgusting nonce on a Zoophilia discord.
You proudly declare yourself 'pre-lavatorial' and unplumb your toilet to convert it into a freestanding potty that you only defecate into in the living room, requiring it to be emptied by your physically struggling loved ones into another, fully functioning toilet. Proudly bedizening it with stickers of your favourite cartoon characters (Tommy Robinson, Jordan Peterson, Michel de Montaigne) you only refer to it as your 'pot-pot' and brook no quarter when challenged on the hygiene of your new lifestyle. The Guardian present this as a curious yet bold lifestyle choice in their four page feature on you in Weekend.
A Taunton bus driver spends his lunch hour on twitter, gleefully shaming older celebrity women for having turkey necks, his failing marriage almost forgotten.
Quote from: batwings on September 01, 2020, 09:08:05 PM
Your chemo nurse is in cahoots with Wayne Sleep, informs a fortune cookie
Brilliant
Mary Lou's chances of winning Miss Pregnant Teen Tennessee are ruined when she miscarries during the bikini round.
Quote from: ollyboro on September 06, 2020, 08:51:36 PM
Mary Lou's chances of winning Miss Pregnant Teen Tennessee are ruined when she miscarries during the bikini round.
Holy fucking shit. It is rare that Desolation plumbs new depths.
Neil Kinnock releases a single called 'The Kinnock Rap'.
Quote from: Glebe on September 06, 2020, 10:55:47 PM
Neil Kinnock releases a single called 'The Kinnock Rap'.
Finely poised on wonderfully silly and desolate. Good stuff.
Quote from: Shoulders?-Stomach! on September 07, 2020, 08:41:30 PM
Finely poised on wonderfully silly and desolate. Good stuff.
Aw cheers Shoulders. High praise from deso royalty!
Meanwhile, Noel Edmonds digs cheesy gunk out of his toenails while his wife masturbates. "You don't turn me on no more, Edmonds."
Jeff Bezos drops a single, dull penny into the cup of a homeless waif.
An Ilford vomit enthusiast has to position his chin almost touching the pavement to get the 'bile tell' from this elderly Alsatian's breakfast chunder.
A load of Philadelphia spread bursts in a shop in Harrow, spreading out on the pavement and blasting in peoples eyes.
^ I suppose that depends on where you stand on Philadelphia spread.
Eamonn Holmes causes a spillage on the A30 near Bodmin.
Su Pollard unexpectedly encounters the void while putting the hoover away.
The rapist marrying your daughter scuffs your new kitchen tiles with his Doc Martins.
Quote from: seepage on September 08, 2020, 01:07:40 PM^ I suppose that depends on where you stand on Philadelphia spread.
Wherever you stand on it, you'll probably slip! DESO.
Boris Johnson introduces a new tax on the homeless called 'Covid Tax', where you have to pay five grand for being homeless with the corona.
Your golf egg yoghurt appears to have curdled, gone orf. Who is that stood at the top of a mound laughing?!
H from Steps has gender reassignment surgery so that she can become your step mum again.
"This time I really think it can work."
Denise Van Outen
Ian Watkins from Lostprophets changes his name to Ian H From Steps Watkins and has gender reassignment surgery so she can become your step mum again.
"Son, this time we are going to fuck so many chillums. I am Haitch from Steps."
You stream a Pogs tournament on Twitch. You are the only contestant, and you own downwards of thirty Pogs.
Quote from: touchingcloth on September 09, 2020, 08:34:03 AM
Ian Watkins from Lostprophets changes his name to Ian H From Steps Watkins and has gender reassignment surgery so she can become your step mum again.
"Son, this time we are going to fuck so many chillums. I am Haitch from Steps."
He tries to pass it off as irony by speaking in a Stewart Lee Doing The Impression voice at all times. Naebdy buys it, except the dark haired boy from Steps
Your wife's decision to divorce you is communicated via a post on a Vauxhall owners forum.
Quote from: poo on September 09, 2020, 12:21:47 PM
Your wife's decision to divorce you is communicated via a post on a Vauxhall owners forum.
Bleak.
IRL Deso. Amazon thinks I'm a smackhead.
(https://www.dogsonacid.com/attachments/upload_2020-9-9_12-58-10-png.187011/)
Your girlfriend takes a particular interest in VAT-reduced dildos.
Through a slip of the tongue you order a 'Masala Deso' by accident in a South Indian restaurant and boy does it arrive.
You stage a production of Digby, the Biggest Dog in the World in a nearby field before suffering a massive nervous breakdown.
Lifeseeker's 'Gone Guru' blares out of a shopping trolley turned battlewagon on a Dunte council estate at 3am as a beleaguered, COVID-addled office worker merely attempts to hobble home after a night of being SCREAMED at by his manager for mistakenly calling her 'Shirley' instead of 'Shirlei'.
The Raiders are coming. The bass shakes the concrete. His breath is frigid, and billows up over his sweat and tear filled eyes. There are no bins to hide in. Baseball bats pound hubcap shields. Creaking leather and rattling chains draw closer as the music gets louder and louder. He huddles under the bench of a bus shelter in the hopes they might mistake him for discarded luggage.
They don't.
"TO THINE OWN SELF BE TRUE, THEY CAN'T TELL YOU WHAT TO DO WHEN THEY'VE GONE GURU" echoes to you down the breeze. You can see the battle-trolley rolling closer and closer through the fog of Boris Johnson's eruptive flatulence. A gleaming, newly-made battle-standard juts out of it. The wind catches the back of their new standard, and twists it to face you. The skinned form of a middle-manager comes to face you. A warning of what's to come.
"That's the way we're goin', Captain." remarks your bus driver.
After you retrieve the wrong colour espadrilles from the stock room, H from Steps calls you a shitcunt.
Your gravestone reads: "The Tarzan of Cup-a-Soup"
There are sections of Yorkshire where 'folk' communicated through a simplistic series of farts and burps.
It's a Sunday night in 1994 and your Mum gets you 'ITN News At 10: The Video Game' on the C64 for your 11th Birthday. You try to play it before bedtime but it just gets stuck on the title screen, the music playing on a loop. Your Dad comes in the bedroom and says "Reet, yer nae longer a boy noo, son. Yer a man, and fae noo on you'll be earnin' yer keep. You'll be helping me decorate yer sister's room first, starting on Saturday"* He pats your head and walks out your bedroom.
You notice the music has stopped and the game has loaded: 'Level 1: The Maastricht Treaty'.
*Your Dad has travelled about a bit in his youth, hence the mixed regional accents
A cargo cult based around a crate of Jimmy Saville memoirs has its way with Ben Fogle.
A giant '80s mullet descends from space and starts attacking parts of Devonshire.
While drunkenly traversing a public estuary after being denied entry to Zippo's Circus, you hear the faint synth tones of John Carpenter, informing you that The Death Squad has been deployed in your area, and is actively tracking your GPS. You fumble for the scalpel in your trousers, hoping to dig the implant out of your rotting skin before it gives you away.
you discover by reading the latest issue of Viz in a specific spot in a specific store transports you back to a point between 1978 and now. You mainly use this skill to go to a shop and read Viz for free. You are forever tempted by the urge to nick future material and really make it in 80s comedy. Amazing times
Chris marries a cement mixer, "For a laugh".
Nine months later and he's showing off a Tonka cement mixer as "My son, Darren."
Your boots rapidly sink further and further into the concrete of a busy street. Passers-by try to ignore you as you scream for relief. You are entering the Edmonds Dimension inch by inch.
Laying in a private euthanasia clinic in Stoke, 2022, awaiting your Mandatory Expiry as you watch the video to Culture Beat's "Mr Vain" on a loop.
Your obituary in NME likens your creative output to Fatman Scoop.
Crashing through the skylight of a 17th-century brothel and landing inside the nearest prosser, never to return. A recreation of the intro of Mouse Hunt ensues with several men shining lantern-lights down her crevice to try and find your long-lost carcass.
Jimmy Carr lookalike opens shopping centre in Hull.
Quote from: Glebe on September 11, 2020, 07:16:00 AM
Jimmy Carr lookalike opens shopping centre in Hull.
The shopping centre is a lookalike of Mick Philpott's house, post-blaze.
Jimmy Five Bellies is the new Doctor Who, he believes mistakenly.
A nihilistic landlord describes humanity as "sentimental drivel".
ITL TV deso here from Who Lives in a House Like This?
https://twitter.com/AccidentalP/status/1304329458468483072
After some months in a coma, a man awakens to find himself in a car park propped up on bricks.
It's what separates us from the animals, isn't it really, when you think about it, the gravy
You accidentally honeymoon on an industrial estate in a depressing shithole.
Two-hour bus journey to get your piles treated. Noisy cunt at back of bus. Rain.
Quote from: batwings on September 11, 2020, 02:37:03 PM
Jimmy Five Bellies is the new Doctor Who, he believes mistakenly.
the BBC is scrapped and all its staff, everyone who's ever worked for them directly or as contractors or producing content, and their immediate families are sent to death camps for refusing to just go along with that anyway, on the grounds of the compelling argument "just go on though! imagine it! *cackles* but Jimmy Five Bellies! just go on though!" repeated over any attempt to discuss the matter.
this argument goes to form an ideology regarded as complete by all academics and true thinkers. no academic or true thinker gets sent to a death camp, after all.
Quote from: Glebe on September 12, 2020, 12:11:40 PM
Two-hour bus journey to get your piles treated. Noisy cunt at back of bus. Rain.
Bumpy road.
Your anal fissure is on the electoral role.
Even your leprosy can't stand you.
The disembodied sax solo from 'Thorn In My Side' echoes through an empty shopping centre like a chilly wind.
(https://www.dogsonacid.com/attachments/img-20200908-wa0000-jpg.187273/)
Post-divorce camping trip for one. A wrongly reintroduced otter gets into your tent and degloves your face.
You run over the UK's last hedgehog and - utterly despairing for all the prematurely lost creatures of Earth - cry for ages in a lay-by. It gets dark. A surprisingly attractive dogger comes to knock on your window, intending to invite you to join the party, but on seeing your face, hair, and body, thinks better of it. She retreats into an orgasmic wooded gloom that - let's face it - would arouse nothing in you anyway, not any more. You drive home and never tell anybody about the hedgehog.
Up above the streets and houses
nuclear air burst
When you dribble people have decided it means that you agree. But you can't communicate they're wrong. You can only dribble.
Your Halfords discount voucher code is GIPPOCUNT
Michael Heseltine skateboards around Chicago screaming, "I'M A TRUE BLUE TORY GOONER!"
An off-handed quip about your youthful attraction to the Cadbury's Caramel Bunny at a parents' evening leads to years of "Donna's dad's a rabbit-shagger" torment
A Christian Rock Weekender on ketamine and shrooms.
You mull over your cancer diagnosis with an own brand Lidl pot noodle.
Stabbed in a chippy over your choice of condiment.
Your birth is cancelled due to lack of interest.
The prospect of a new Then Jerico album is all that's keeping you going. That and the chemotherapy.
Your attempt to head a sex cult ends up with a lot of unwanted bumming.
A Rottweiler loses his erection whilst fucking your leg.
While eating your breakfast, you find a Shreddie that looks exactly like your ex-wife. In a few seconds it withers and dissolves like your marriage just did.
Brian Conley cancels his appearance at the opening of a new Poundstretcher because he believes it is "beneath him". When the phone stops ringing over the next few months he rings the head office of Poundstretcher to apologize, and offers his services for the opening of "any Poundstretcher, anywhere".
A shop worker calls you "a stupid old cunt" for no real reason. You ask him if he kisses his mother with that potty of a mouth, and dine out for years on the anecdote, calling it your "Falling Down moment".
"Er, Dawn, can I have a word?"
"No Tim, you pathetic streak of piss."
There were ten in the bed and the little one said "is there any more of the eleventh's liver left?"
People gloom around in a misery-town.
You enter the nursery to see your infant son using a Stickle Brick to peel his own face off.
You find your mum crying sat alone in her Ka in the driveway. When you ask her what the matter is she sobs uncontrollably and says "sore cunny, sore cunny".
You keep coming across interviews with celebrities saying they are atheists, and this triggers fucking massive anxiety!
Cornering you in a pub toilet, a stranger introduces you to his polyp.
"Hello, I'm Harold Bishop."
Your friend George admits to you that he was abused by Saville, but on further questioning you discover this consisted of him being called a 'doughy pig abortion, 0.5/10' and sent home.
You first find out your girlfriend was pregnant when the vet comes back and tells you that she's miscarried all her pups. You get them baptised anyway, because you think it's a sin to lie with heathens.
Peter Hitchens describes Richard Littlejohn as a "feminist".
You hear that SARS-CoV-2 was caused by a pangolin, so you eat them all.
Ed Sheehan is booked to play Candle In The Wind at Elton John's funeral.
Ed Sheeran is booked to play Hey Jude at Paul McCartney's funeral.
Also works with Angels at Robbie Williams' funeral.
No it doesn't
Yes it does
Ed Sherring hums the Last Post at Jacob Rees-Mogg's funeral for his fifth favourite child.
Nigel Lythgoe goes around London taking all the change out of the cups of people begging.
https://twitter.com/GeorgeWeaver20/status/1306192594662305792
Quote from: Sebastian Cobb on September 16, 2020, 04:41:12 PMhttps://twitter.com/GeorgeWeaver20/status/1306192594662305792
"Where any of those Addidas trainers
not stolen, Gary?"
"No, Daz. No."
The Apprentice is shown on all channels, 24/7.
Your skeleton's had enough, and fucks off into the night. The slamming of the door sends brief ripples across the still sentient remains: a sac of helpless, meaty slop.
"Don't break my legs, my achy, breaky legs!" moans Billy Ray Cyrus. But that won't save him. Oh no. Once more comes the golf club.
The phone rings: your spouse has won the lottery! But unfortunately it's the industrial accident lottery. They will be returned to you in a small plastic bag. Which they'll need back, by the way.
You rub Vicks Vapo-Rub over the end of your penis to distract from the pain of losing an ebay auction for a replacement apple mac charger.
You're accused of being Sinophobic for declaring Tang Village's crispy beef as "horribly greasy".
Quote from: Glebe on September 16, 2020, 06:19:45 PM
"Where any of those Addidas trainers not stolen, Gary?"
"No, Daz. No."
Hahahaha!
Sex offenders edition of Guess Who?
"Did yours used to work for the BBC?"
You accidentally click on a BDSM vid as your relatives arrive.
Your unforgivable funeral wank makes it onto the crematorium's Xmas tape.
The contents of an intemperate noodle sachet put paid to monthly Scat Night
An arse acts disrespectfully in a public venue.
Moomintroll accidentally posts an obscene limerick into the group WhatsApp.
You watch The Usual Suspects for the twentieth time, and are still surprised by who Keyer Soze is.
Getting nostalgic for the simpler times, when Bukkake were only known as sperm baths.
Your name suddenly becomes Güenter, and your non-avuncular uncle starts calling you Cunter.
How did a guy born in Scunthorpe in the 1980s go on to become Nothing?
Find out Tonight, in Nothing
John from Worthing plays Crash Bandicoot on his old PS1 while his wife is having triplets. The nursemaid sends him a pic and he replies with a smiley emoji. Then it's back to Crash Bandicoot.
A mobile cervical smear testing scheme turns out be a wrong-brained ex squaddie with a packet of cotton ear buds at the back of the Asda shuttle bus.
Richard Dawkins chases an Islamic blue-bottle around his conservatory with a rolled up Observer.
Your old wank puppet winds up on Storage Wars.
https://twitter.com/TheMichaelMoran/status/1307622000156987393?s=09
(https://pbs.twimg.com/media/EiWbPkWXsAEdALf?format=jpg&name=medium)
Your mum pays to go and see a Psychic who claims to speak to the characters killed off in Soap Operas.
Your official, legal, registered civil partner says your jeb helm honks of cliffs
Mid-examination, your proctologist starts nervously reciting the Lord's Prayer under their breath.
A melted Aero clogs up your good suit jacket pocket.
It's arse nits. And the matron approaches with the dreaded nit comb.
Your wife has had enough and makes you sells off your rat milk dairy.
Stereophonics steal your dog. You ask them to give it back, but they won't. They just won't!
Quote from: Shoulders?-Stomach! on September 23, 2020, 10:04:09 AM
Stereophonics steal your dog. You ask them to give it back, but they won't. They just won't!
your counter of sending then a thousand Swan Vestas is completely ignored
No, filling up empty Fray Bentos tins with your own manure and then fly tipping them on national trust ground is not performance art, it's Satan's work and you know it.
Ron from Stornoway begins a bitter dispute with his local supermarket over their batch of stale digestives.
'The Britain We Knew' Facebook group:
QuoteJan: Thinking back to the days of daily milk delivery ... remember the milkman?
Dave: He was a f*cking nonce
Quote from: Angrew Lloyg Wegger on September 20, 2020, 02:36:24 PM
https://twitter.com/TheMichaelMoran/status/1307622000156987393?s=09
(https://pbs.twimg.com/media/EiWbPkWXsAEdALf?format=jpg&name=medium)
One of the comments is "any idea what the pair she died in retails at?" I laughed and laughed
An Arthur-Mallard-faced nun slimes a crucifix.
An abortion doctor's chess computer won't boot.
A flasher on the late train to Crewkerne just wants to talk... while masturbating with a rinsed-out Oasis Citrus Punch bottle.
Mark Francois has an underwhelming orgasm in a khaki wank swing suspended from the roof of his Anderson shelter.
A disgraced councilwoman with a Puffin phobia falls onto a Puffin-covered cliff ledge.
Quote from: batwings on September 24, 2020, 10:53:43 AMA disgraced councilwoman with a Puffin phobia falls onto a Puffin-covered cliff ledge.
Karma.
Long lost siblings unknowingly reconnect via a glory hole.
A Yeovil minicab stinks of spiders.
Work dries up for a Colin Welland lookalike.
A waste of space calls his son Pope John Paul II Jenkins.
Public bumming for panic buyers is defeated in the House of Lords.
You are declared "Chode of the Year" in absentia.
A rotten gherkin is the single item on today's dessert menu.
You arrive home to be informed that your parents have donated your anus to a medical museum and that they'll be here to collect it shortly.
Quote from: Captain Poodle Basher on September 24, 2020, 08:47:16 PMYou arrive home to be informed that your parents have donated your anus to a medical museum and that they'll be here to collect it shortly.
They just pull it off you and put it in a Tesco bag.
The Amazon Affiliate box at the top of the forum is recommending JK Rowling's latest Cormorant Strike novel.
It has four and a half stars.
Quote from: Poirots BigGarlickyCorpse on September 25, 2020, 12:48:21 AM
The Amazon Affiliate box at the top of the forum is recommending JK Rowling's latest Cormorant Strike novel.
It has four and a half stars.
You become aware your shitposting is at least partially responsible for this.
A monetised, social media post describes a horrible nonce crime and an appeal to bring the perp to justice, with your profile picture as the image of the person police want to speak to.
Guardian Long Read: How The Golden Girls found a millennial audience through the medium of deepfakes.
Quote from: Angrew Lloyg Wegger on September 20, 2020, 02:36:24 PM
https://twitter.com/TheMichaelMoran/status/1307622000156987393?s=09
(https://pbs.twimg.com/media/EiWbPkWXsAEdALf?format=jpg&name=medium)
6 Deso posts in and this one, I dare say is up there (or down) with the most bleak.
Quote from: Glebe on September 24, 2020, 09:16:34 PM
They just pull it off you and put it in a Tesco bag.
For the rest of your days you have to borrow someone else's anus whenever you need to take a shit.
You go to your mum's house to finally meet her new fella, the one she's been going on about. It's John Leslie. He sits there, smirking at you and sniffing his fingers.
Age has brought you inevitably to this. Long dead are dreams of glory, adventure, and all-conquering, everlasting love. Now it's a 65 inch oled and a soundproof wank cellar.
A man in supermarket-bought jeans tries to defend Be Here Now.
Roger DeCourcey gets into a punch-up with Mick Miller in a knick-knack shop near Deptford. This could have gone in 'Celebs doing things in places' but it qualifies as desolate. Certainly for Miller, who sustained a broken nose.
"I went into a knick-knack shop yesterday. I said 'How much is that sewing kit?' The bloke said 'Five quid.' Then who should appear but Roger DeCourcey, sans Nookie Bear. He said, 'I want that sewing kit for me wife.' A fight ensued and he broke me nose. Sorry, I've not thought of a punchline for this yet. I'm just working it into me act. Observational."
Buzzing butane gas at a Robbie Wiliams tribute gig.
Positive Biopsy.
Using Shippams Classic Crab Paste as lube.
And youu shit.
And you shit.
And you shit.
And you die.
Quote from: Shoulders?-Stomach! on September 21, 2020, 09:21:52 PM
Your official, legal, registered civil partner says your jeb helm honks of cliff's
Cliff denies this outright
You awake to find your penis has tripled in length, to an impressive 9 inches.
Unfortunately girth = 1 micron
A 100% effective cure for coronivirs is discovered, but it involves continuously listing to Mark Morrison's 'Return of the Mack' at high volume for 6 weeks.
Seeking sustenance for the first time in five days, Bob spies the dried bean juice drops on his keyboard.
"I've done some of my best shagging in Crewe"
Florence's husband overhears the doctors discussing her case. 'Her flesh was hanging out of her skin like a badly packed duvet.'
Your wife gets absolutely zero resistance as she starts referring to you as "the mong" when talking with her friends and your close family.
Quote from: poo on September 28, 2020, 09:14:31 AM
A 100% effective cure for coronivirs is discovered, but it involves continuously listing to Mark Morrison's 'Return of the Mack' at high volume for 6 weeks.
Horrific flashbacks to when I worked in a factory there
Real life deso:
https://www.google.co.uk/amp/s/www.stokesentinel.co.uk/news/stoke-on-trent-news/racist-tattoo-you-regret-stoke-4525944.amp
But also quite nice of the artist?
Less deso than him offering free racist tattoos, shirley?
Quote from: drummersaredeaf on September 28, 2020, 02:18:04 PMReal life deso:
https://www.google.co.uk/amp/s/www.stokesentinel.co.uk/news/stoke-on-trent-news/racist-tattoo-you-regret-stoke-4525944.amp
LEDGE GARY: Nah Daz, it'd take too long to remove all mine.
Nice of the artist, yes. The desolation is more the need for this service in the first place and what it says about my home town.
I know of a local tattoo artist who vowed to never again tattoo another 'jobstopper'.
Quote from: drummersaredeaf on September 28, 2020, 08:35:31 PM
Nice of the artist, yes. The desolation is more the need for this service in the first place and what it says about my home town.
I know of a local tattoo artist who vowed to never again tattoo another 'jobstopper'.
I don't have tattoos but based on stories from mates that have some intricate work, better tattoo artists are busy enough that they can pick and choose and generally apply more responsible rules than the law requires them to... eg. no racist shit and probably not going to tattoo something obviously shit on some young naive person's face/hands.
I'm sure the latter's more just so they can avoid having some irate parent in their shop when they could be tattooing more people though.
An Our Brave Boy tells a non-white homeless person to "go back to Wango Land".
Quote from: Glebe on September 29, 2020, 01:47:26 AM
An Our Brave Boy tells a non-white homeless person to "go back to Wango Land".
WANGOLAND FOREVER
John Barrowman finishes his ready meal and wanks to VHS recordings of Cash in the Attic. Then he puts the compost bin out and falls asleep in the hall.
A man who has put a smiley at the end of every Facebook post since 2010 logs in to let everyone know his dad's died.
As a child he received a new liver thanks to a That's Life appeal. Now in his forties and a raging alcoholic, he staggers around Esther Rantzen's moonlit driveway shouting 'Give us another one you SLAG!'
Your conversational gambit of "As I said to the Judge, who cares? I don't want to be within 100 meters of a school anyway. LOL." fails to impress the interview panel.
A man wearing a "King Of Biscuits" t-shirt exposes himself during your niece's funeral.
The whole of your extended family goes on Facebook to call each other 'pedos', and bankrupts Nottingham Children's Social Care
Nicky Campbell slops out and returns to his makeshift cell. He'll get a biscuit and a cup of water through the hatch later if Dimbleby is feeling generous. Ten years now.
A gust of wind blows your infant daughter's packet of Milky Bar Buttons out of her hand and off a motorway flyover. Long story short, you're now doing 200 hours of community service for being a racist.
The divorce papers characterise you as "a pound shop cumslut"
A child of marital rape throws a therapy carrot at a scarecrow.
An avaricious sailor starts a hedge fund in a lido.
An orphanage funded by grain surplus expands into a knocking shop.
The distinct smell of your hangover shits triggers your mother's Flehmen response.
You get your face slanted to appeal to the Asian market.
"Do me like a casserole, Mavis, long and slow."
A tortoise is finished with this world, after its owner fucks it in its pen.
Alan Hansen's broken promises cause a pile-up in Jakarta.
In order to match the new wallpaper, a previously unwanted mixed-raced foetus is carried to full term.
You're on your toodles again, in your horrible life.
An anally stretched wrong un' is bitterly dissapointed after mis-reading a Robson Green VHS titled "Extreme Fishing!"
Carol Thatcher slices a dolphin's head off with the sharp edge of a nachos packet.
Jim from Staffordshire goes out on the piss and wakes up naked beside a stream, from then on he is known locally as the 'River Paedo'.
Dead Mum's Ian Brady scrapbook and dogcock dildo feature in a house clearance company's most watched YouTube upload.
Trouble in paradise? Your marriage to a balloon animal is going less smoothly than expected.
You frequently discuss your mental health worries with the ghost of Claire Rayner.
You spend your birthday doing things you hate while your child screams at you. Your minuscule free time is spent reading CaB.
Abortion attempt.
Quote from: FerriswheelBueller on September 29, 2020, 10:42:30 PM
You spend your birthday doing things you hate while your child screams at you. Your minuscule free time is spent reading CaB.
Keep it light, ffs.
A semen glob ejaculated from frenzied hedge masturbate hits a passing cyclist, who careens into a Kwik-Fit.
You learn through a fellow bestialete that the community was responsible for the internet doggo lexicon, and has 'great plans ahead'.
The final bell rings and as pupils leave for home a man leans back against the railings, writhing and chanting 'It's getting briller, It's gettin brillllleeeerrrrrrrr!!!!'
Witney council, Brenda holds the agenda, the agenda on 'gender benders'.
Brenda descends, after addenda to the 'gender bender' agenda.
Jane McDonald tribute act.
Sunday evening. Boiled egg and soldiers for tea. Songs of Praise, Antiques Roadshow. School tomorrow. Cross Country Run.
The planetarium is daubed with 'Moslem filth OUT'
In the caves
All cats are Gary
Bob Mortimer keys the wheelchair he put you in.
A suicide prevention net in an IPhone factory wins the Nobel Peace Prize.
Robert Kilroy-Silk gets a standing ovation during a Question Time appearance in Norfolk.
You spend the afterlife with Mike Read in a welded-shut caravan.
Your mum decides against having a funeral for your dad: "Can't be arsed"
Louise Woodward resets an Etchasketch at a jumble sale in a Shoreditch Methodist church hall. "Force of habit." She quips. Gets nothing. Tough crowd.
Coldplay releases an album called Bumblegee Goosekins and nobody questions that. Goes on to sell millions.
Your dad throws you out of the family home in a fit of rage after you tell him the doctor diagnosed you as 'tripe intolerant'.
A miserable shopkeeper won't give you a Yorkie because you're 2p short. Said shopkeeper goes home, shouts at his wife for an hour and eats an out-of-date pork pie and drinks a warm can of beer and passes out in front of Panorama.
Quote from: Glebe on October 04, 2020, 12:20:07 AM
A miserable shopkeeper won't give you a Yorkie because you're 2p short. Said shopkeeper goes home, shouts at his wife for an hour and eats an out-of-date pork pie and drinks a warm can of beer and passes out in front of Panorama.
you get one 4p cheaper at the other shop by the bus terminus anyway
Quote from: batwings on October 01, 2020, 09:10:04 PM
You spend the afterlife with Mike Read in a welded-shut caravan.
Horrifying
Gregg Wallace watches loads of episodes of Masterchef and berates all the contestants he was nice too. "Get us anovah can of Stella, love."
Quote from: drummersaredeaf on September 28, 2020, 02:18:04 PM
Real life deso:
Got a 'racist' tattoo you regret? Stoke-on-Trent artist offers free service to help people shed past mistakes
bloke gets racist details on an existing non-racist tatto because he hates it and cant afford to get it removed
just in time for covid to shut the lads tatshop
stoke sentinel killing it
https://www.stokesentinel.co.uk/news/stoke-on-trent-news/lorry-drivers-blasted-after-using-4524873
Quote from: PlanktonSideburns on October 04, 2020, 11:57:02 PMstoke sentinel killing it
https://www.stokesentinel.co.uk/news/stoke-on-trent-news/lorry-drivers-blasted-after-using-4524873
He then went on to murder a prostitute in a layby and have a wank in a service station toilet.
Meanwhile... Chris Tarrant starts a campaign after a packet of Bassett's Allsorts is stolen from a corner shop in Kendal. "It's an absolute
disgrace," he tells
The Daily Star. "These louts should be hung, drawn and quartered. Bring back the cat o' nine tails! That'll teach 'em!"
^chris tarrant is apparently great mates with black sabbath guitar player Tony iommi. They go on canal boat holidays together according to a friend in the know
Quote from: FerriswheelBueller on October 05, 2020, 01:58:39 AM^chris tarrant is apparently great mates with black sabbath guitar player Tony iommi. They go on canal boat holidays together according to a friend in the know
Crikey! Meanwhile...
Richard Dawkins watches you putting your shopping away and criticizes your technique for being "too emotional".
Ricky Gervais admits he only pretends to like dogs to appear less psychopathic.
people stop caring about shops like Nisa in places like Bathgate
Quote from: Glebe on October 05, 2020, 01:30:31 PM
Ricky Gervais admits he only pretends to like dogs to appear less psychopathic.
Ricky Gervais witnesses a dog's anal glands being expressed for the first time in his life. A single tear falls.
From his urethra.
The texture of Bounty bars.
QuoteRichard Dawkins watches you putting your shopping away and criticizes your technique for being "too emotional".
That's a belter.
Quote from: Shoulders?-Stomach! on October 05, 2020, 11:18:23 PMThat's a belter.
Aw thanks Shoulders! Sam Harris cautions restraint as he kindly packs away the raspberry jam.
Your one and only Facebook post: "I haven't had a good elbow scab in ages."
Your new home is haunted by Mike Morris from TV-am.
Happy-slapped by your own shadow.
Michael Dicksniffer has his application for a name change rejected by gov.uk
Long dole queue in the rain.
(https://pbs.twimg.com/media/EjqQnmRX0AM9kQF?format=jpg&name=large)
^^ Bound to be a dead hooker or two underneath all that ^^
Quote from: Sebastian Cobb on October 06, 2020, 08:59:21 PM
(https://pbs.twimg.com/media/EjqQnmRX0AM9kQF?format=jpg&name=large)
....and this is the livingroom, - the rent is 500 per -
sorry, stop you there. are the sofas binbags?
The Wombles murder John Craven.
Holding dad's wake at the Hollywood Bowl.
Richard Dawkins bursts into your kitchen and smashes your Batman mug; "Grow up!"
Quote from: Glebe on October 07, 2020, 09:35:27 PM
Richard Dawkins bursts into your kitchen and smashes your Batman mug; "Grow up!"
Haha.
True fact: Lalla Ward banned Richard Dawkins from coming to Doctor Who conventions with her because he would always bring along a tape measure and head off to the Tardis, spoiling for trouble.
A frustrated Eddie Stobart spotter wanks on a Norbert Dentressangle trailer in a layby near Snibston.
Quote from: batwings on October 07, 2020, 10:43:22 PMHaha.
True fact: Lalla Ward banned Richard Dawkins from coming to Doctor Who conventions with her because he would always bring along a tape measure and head off to the Tardis, spoiling for trouble.
I think we might need a Dawkins Deso thread.
Quote from: Pingers on October 07, 2020, 11:13:02 PM
A frustrated Eddie Stobart spotter wanks on a Norbert Dentressangle trailer in a layby near Snibston.
Ruined my fond memories of the Snibston Discovery Centre.
Edit: which was demolished in 2016, and google maps thinks it is now a bus stop in Coalville if you search for it.
Filling your brothers artificial arm with quick set concrete because he can see better things in the wallpaper, from staring at it too long, than you.
Your pickled sick dip is left untouched at the virtuous peadophile annual roller disco and buffet function
That poor cunt who bought Jimmy Savile's roller as an 'investment' just before the news broke.
All African pop music.
A verger's stipend is downgraded from legal tender to 'access to my cat on Thursdays'.
Jim Davidson eats a cold takeaway korma and complains about "too much blacks onna telly nowadays".
Bookies that smells of vomit.
Your dad starts deriding "chubby lovers" so that he can fat-shame and kink-shame in the same sentence. "There's nothing wrong with efficiency!" chirps the wiry cunt.
Ian Brown berates a child for having stabilizers on her bike.
After an arduous quest to provide a shrubbery to a series of demanding knights, they change their house title in order to demand yet another shrubbery.
Quote from: Glebe on October 09, 2020, 05:00:03 AM
Bookies that smells of vomit.
I used to work in the bookies. My boss was well protective about giving out the bog key (locked to stop junkies), some half cut pensioner went once and splashed a bit so she wouldn't give it him a second time, pissed himself on the shop floor.
Your backup taint caves in, big time
Big time cave in
A sunlight-eating swami moves into you and your mum's bungalow and just fucking dominates the place.
Jon Gaunt's proctologist's suicide note simply reads: "In the end, only suffering."
Salman Rushdie. 10pm. Babestation.
Noncing up kiddies in the village, not out of any sexual attraction to children but, rather for the certainty of how your social pariah status will benefit your need for a lie in of a morning.
A drunken Lionel Richie tries to chat up a twenty year-old waitress and vomits on the table.
It's 'Stella Night', you get a six pack from Lidl, prepare a Tesco Ready Meal and drink yourself into a sad stupor.
Quote from: Glebe on October 11, 2020, 05:42:36 AM
It's 'Stella Night', you get a six pack from Lidl, prepare a Tesco Ready Meal and drink yourself into a sad stupor.
your collection of recordings Phil Cornwell's television work has been ruined by archery equipment, and you are reduced to desperately trying to find anything on the EPG that vaguely looks like it might pass for America's Strongest Man.
you end up on an Impact Wrestling filler/recap show
You accidentally vomit doing Phil Minton impressions up your lover's arsehole.
David Icke doing karaoke in Devon.
A vaccine programme advertises for "redshirts".
A broth made from the boiled contents of David Mellor's tumble dryer's fluff filter will be the only refreshment available after a 20 mile forced march across the Brecon Beacons - part of the simulated SAS selection course a deranged farmer's son is forcing you at gunpoint to undergo as punishment for laughing at his mismatched boot laces in a dream he had.
Your 85 year old mother falls down the stairs, breaking several of your model airplanes.
Quote from: batwings on October 11, 2020, 08:13:14 PM
A broth made from the boiled contents of David Mellor's tumble dryer's fluff filter will be the only refreshment available after a 20 mile forced march across the Brecon Beacons - part of the simulated SAS selection course a deranged farmer's son is forcing you at gunpoint to undergo as punishment for laughing at his mismatched boot laces in a dream he had.
Still haunted by this one
Quote from: Cuellar on October 12, 2020, 11:05:19 AM
Still haunted by this one
It's too close for comfort for me. A bit too on the nose.
Your dad enters your room and says "watashi wa not your real dad. Hadouken." and just like that he's gone from your life forever.
Your six year old daughter bellows "Shut up, cunt!" when you greet her on your return from work.
I just saw a pair of malnourished red kites greedily tearing at the corpse of a child absolutely riddled with covid.
Chuckled.
Amnesty International issues a press release about your most recent wank.
A Les Dennis tribute act dries on stage mid-Mavis.
Morrissey jolts awake from the laughing custard dream just as his Intercity plunges into a tunnel.
Quote from: bgmnts on October 12, 2020, 03:47:07 PM
I just saw a pair of malnourished red kites greedily tearing at the corpse of a child absolutely riddled with covid.
Chuckled.
Kite can't get COVID but your ferret is fucked.
A stem cell researcher seeking to learn Romanian in the easiest, fastest, cheapest and most fun way, is negligently severed by a lathe.
Jimmy Carr is your long-lost uncle.
After 40 years, your mum finally tells you she loves you, but follows up straight away with "long time".
The last person who touched you with any kind of affection was your infant school nit nurse.
L'Oréal called, it turns out you aren't actually worth it.
A neighbour named Roger hosts an 'easy jazz' party in his back garden, that ends with a rich twat vomiting in your driveway.
Richard Dawkins smiles as you have a nervous breakdown on your front lawn.
(https://pbs.twimg.com/media/EkSCdEwX0AA3ktw?format=jpg&name=large)
Courtesy of Seb Cobb in the xmas food thread.
A retired sapper's one man campaign to return the Yorkie bar to its pre 2002 size culminates in an armed stand off at a Minehead newsagents.
A pensioner's nappy, heavy with bum maggots.
(Buyer must collect).
A crippled moth laughs at your stutter, you expect.
"Hi guys! Big shout out to Pepperami for sponsoring this video..."
You force your grandparents - both sets - to sleep in the same bed like Charlie Bucket's. All four of them protest "we own our own homes! Why are you like this?" and you just tell them to shut up and get in the bed. They've all got dementia or Parkinson's or Down's or whatever.
Having worked your entire career as an aide you get diagnosed with AIDS. You're a bit dense, so you end up sending an email to all of your family and friends saying "unfortunately the hospital has diagnosed me with Aide's Syndrome."
A fat black slug squeezes its way out of your penis hole and plops into the toilet bowl where it drowns in dark yellow piss. Not the best start to the week but at least you're not Kelvin MacKenzie.
A street mime's chance encounter with Werner Herzog leads to them developing a chronic surgical addiction problem.
A boy missing for years turns up one day out of the blue, wanking incessantly, refusing to explain.
Each year, on the anniversary of his death, the victim of a street murder is raised from the dead for a single day, in order to attend a series of seminars on enterprise change management.
A miserable bus conductor growls at you menacingly.
You get home from Aldi to discover all your purchases are damaged.
You go back to Aldi to find every single product and staff member damaged.
Jim Davidson pisses on the bathroom floor and tells his wife he "done a wee-dozy".
From your shower you can see the sign for the local Aldi, and one morning it becomes your only viable wanking material.
(https://ichef.bbci.co.uk/news/800/cpsprodpb/4242/production/_114926961_capture.jpg)
can't tell if scary gym or a front for a knocking shop.
It's a Scouse gym which was in the news yesterday with the owner saying they were planning to defy local rules and stay open, and then again today for inevitably being fined. But something about the colour scheme and co-located minicab firm and a hairdresser just called The Hairdressers makes it well des.
0 bids 1 view on your eBay auction of your cherished Beyblades collection you hope to sell towards your treatment.
A man named Neville crushes beetles for fun at a junction in Wisbech.
Your imaginary wife files for divorce, citing irreconcilable differences.
A Jim Davidson lookalike bus driver gives you an earful.
Quote from: Glebe on October 16, 2020, 05:42:57 PM
A Jim Davidson lookalike bus driver gives you an earful.
Well he can fuck off can't he. That's that potential desolation well and truly dealt with
NEXT
Quote from: Glebe on October 16, 2020, 05:42:57 PM
A Jim Davidson lookalike bus driver gives you an earful.
Jim Davidson retrains as a bus driver.
Quote from: buttgammon on October 16, 2020, 07:39:29 PMJim Davidson retrains as a bus driver.
He meets the Jim Davidson lookalike and the world ends.
Quote from: buttgammon on October 16, 2020, 07:39:29 PM
Jim Davidson retrains as a bus driver.
your dad who used to look like Jim Davidson retrains as a bus driver
Nick Owen drinks Brasso in a lay-by near Kent.
Avon lady unable to work due to covids dies under weight of make-up. Falls over, face stuck to floor, can't move.
A talkative leper gatecrashes your picnic.
Quote from: buttgammon on October 16, 2020, 07:39:29 PM
Jim Davidson retrains as a bus driver.
Then gets annoyed when a Vic Reeves lookalike driver gets hired and starts turning everyone's head. "I never thought he could drive all that well." Jim proclaims to the mostly empty bus depot cafeteria.
Actor Brian Cox decapitates you with a claymore behind an Irn Bru factory.
you are sentenced to four months in a secure ASDA full of early 90s gear, where the PA system plays a loop of Peter Kay's greatest hits, plus all the spinoff "in the style of Peter Kay" franchise acts, and your only recourse is wandering round amid voices giving it "YES I REMEMBER FUCKING NUTELLA. ITS ON THE SHELF IN FRONT OF ME, DICK'EAD", while others silently mutter every routine in perfect sync. the shutters on the snouts kiosk are painted with a middle finger mural. sometimes the guards announce "smoking time" and remotely raise them to reveal a blank wall with another middle finger mural, in a different colour. it's a mad mad mad mad max in there. you should see the trolleys. the booze aisle is a well stocked fortress, defending against the prospect of new recruits despite the fact that the guards would have restocked it anyway. it's all just water and food colouring anyway. they're good at keeping the place going. break time for a few hours a day, in the car park collecting trolleys at gunpoint. nice time while they repair and restock everything. no PA system either. it's decent. you see some of the new lads break down in the first week or so. happens to us all. got to adjust to reality. it's just a weekly shop. head office are closing them down and the staff don't give a fuck if you eat the stuff on the floor. it's all free samples. just... enjoy it. watch for the stuff that gangs like. Weetos is the big one, always ask for passage before you go down the cereal aisle. show respect. nae bother. nice and casual. don't end up like the guys up the booze aisle... that shite's got nae alcohol, but they're kid-on pished and either kid-on or real angry so just play along for safety and leave them to it. keep an eye out for magazine day, make sure get the ones you like right after car park before somecunt destroys them all again. only problem with this place, everybody's too impulsive and despereate and just lashes out at anything, know?
Your 10 year old nephew blasts Darude's Sandstorm on his recorder in your living room and you are powerless to stop him to keep the peace.
Chris Tarrant causes you to have an existential breakdown.
A Debenhams sale ends with a few sordid rags left on the hangers and a smell like stale shite in the air.
(https://i.imgur.com/4hV4obH.jpg)
Snapped this irl deso last night.
A blacked-out Geoff Capes throws a till through a chip shop window.
Quote from: batwings on October 18, 2020, 01:41:28 PMA blacked-out Geoff Capes throws a till through a chip shop window.
When he comes around he swears off Polish vodka for life.
In Penzance, a haunted sandwich is slowly pecked apart by an unimpressed gull.
Terry laughs to himself about all that VD he has given to the divorcees of Penzance.
'You can only feel so bad', he concludes.
The invention of the toilet-egg.
The toilegg.
Quote from: FerriswheelBueller on October 18, 2020, 05:35:50 PM
The invention of the toilet-egg.
The toilegg.
usually scrambled, rarely fertilised
You endure a dump so severe that you can describe it as "a major life event".
You see Graham Linehan going round every Greggs in town handing out leaflets.
Quote from: Glebe on October 18, 2020, 01:44:31 PM
When he comes around he swears off Polish vodka for life.
Doesn't last long. A month later Capes puts a bowling ball through a bus shelter.
Your prodigious anal prolapse gets you the job of windsock at Brimpton Airfield.
Nicholas Witchell coughs up a hunk of phlegm while watching a drone unboxing compilation.
A body-dismorphic busker stalks you around a model village, spoiling it.
A particularly harsh TV critic describes Bruno Tonioli as "a deflated mess of nonsense and frippery."
Raped in a night ambush by an employee of The Greyhound Trust.
Your butch uncle naked but for ballet shoes, prancing around the common going, "Ooh, I'm delicate as a fucking pansy!"
Your insomnia tormentscape of Ian Austin performing Ali G's Me Julie to set the tempo on a slave ship becomes flesh.
Boris fuck's off from being PM (due to low salary) and Gove assumes the role.
Quote from: batwings on October 18, 2020, 09:12:31 PM
Your prodigious anal prolapse gets you the job of windsock at Brimpton Airfield.
I laughed
A right-wing nutjob neighbour asks for a loan of your lawn mower and a moustache trimmer.
Laurence Fox demands that Luther be remade with Timothy Dalton in the lead role.
Laurence Fox demands Shaft be remade with him in the main role.
Laurence Fox demands Roots is remade with Laurence Fox in the main role
An abandoned Debenhams fills up with rats and stinks like last week's tuna.
"but without the Empire, the Indians wouldn't have a civil service", mewls Toby.
Laurence Fox demands that The Phantom Menace be remade with Laurence Fox as Jar Jar Binks.
Skegness is the venue for a conference on flu.
Laurence Fox demands Morton's put on an elaborate dance number with bread-based costumes, and Laurence Fox as the main roll
You receive a text informing you that all of your friends have died simultaneously whilst you are walking to Aldi in the freezing rain.
A man named Aubrey pushes past you in a shop queue and demands his copy of Country Life.
The Peter Beardsley Honeymoon Suite
The Sir Peter Beardsley CBE Honeymoon Suite
Laurence Fox demands Bob Mortimer give him the role of Peter Beardsley.
Bob Mortimer asks him to reject Jesus first. The music is left running in the background as things get tense
Born a bastard, died a cunt.
Man dressed in a Fred Flintstone suit at a UKIP fundraiser. The fixed smile on the costume's face only makes it more harrowing.
Laurence Fox turns up to a fancy dress party as a very convincing if elongated Barney Rubble.
You luck runs out during a dangerwank on a level crossing, warns your horoscope.
After your car breaks down, Mr Noseybonk chases you on horseback down the hard shoulder of the M5 (southbound).
Laurence Fox demands you give him a Winston cigarette
Andrew Marr cries on an egg sandwich.
A fifty year old virgin sleeps off a Rogan Josh on the sofa. Weather With You by Crowded House plays on an Alexa. Out on the patio, his golden retriever chokes on a scrabble tile.
A man obsessed with walking the Severn Tunnel won't leave you alone in Asda.
A chance encounter with your rapist at the North Pole sours your expedition.
The only thing your mum leaves you in her will is a well-thumbed human/rabbit Kama Sutra.
Quote from: batwings on October 23, 2020, 07:43:36 PM
A fifty year old virgin sleeps off a Rogan Josh on the sofa. Weather With You by Crowded House plays on an Alexa. Out on the patio, his golden retriever chokes on a scrabble tile.
the next day, he eagerly asks the kids at the office if they're into those Josh Rogan comedy films
The only family member who turns up at your intervention is uncle diamorphine.
Watching your brother having a carnal moment with a table in a scabby takeaway after his wife has left him. The ejaculate is left to fester.
You are fired from your job as local authority registrar after refusing to let a child be named Napalm Jeff.
he hadn't pissed, he'd shat
Quote from: Pingers on October 24, 2020, 06:19:58 PM
You are fired from your job as local authority registrar after refusing to let a child be named Napalm Jeff.
good
The next pandemic is HALFORDS-17
Graham is caught having a shit in a corner of the TARDIS. "How are you meant to find the lavs in this place anyway?" he mumbles.
Quote from: Pingers on October 26, 2020, 10:11:02 AM
Graham is caught having a shit in a corner of the TARDIS. "How are you meant to find the lavs in this place anyway?" he mumbles.
He then goes ballistic at the lack of sex segregation, claiming a time travelling child could have seen a man pull up his dress to reveal a big hairy dick.
Craig makes some custard and pours it down his jogging bottoms at his maisonette in Dunstable. "Ooh, lovely, I cannot resist this sad fetish!" he tells the life-size poster of Liberace he has on his kitchen wall.
In the spirit of "safety first", Yann puts on a hi-viz jacket before beginning a chainsaw massacre.
You make yourself a watery, burnt korma for dinner. It tastes rotten, and half an hour later you are shitting yourself on the kitchen lino 'cos you couldn't make it to the sink in time.
For a Christmas charity, Tracey Emin exhibits an unmade manger.
Sue Johnston dares Ralf Little to suck Ricky Tomlinson's ghastly, fucked nose like a cock, a challenge he accepts with glee.
A man called Reginald moves to Stockport and is immediately pilloried by the local community, with some calling him, "risible, with a slight hint of disaster."
Boris Johnson appeals to the nation's children to "go hungry for Britain!" this winter.
Like the rodent whose teeth constantly grow, your penis needs a constant diet of fucking bags of gravel to keep you in your job as lollipop man.
A human bidet fears he may be in over his head when his new client turns out to be a mid-binge Rod Liddle.
Adrian Chiles pretends he is presenting ITV Sport over a pint in a pub corner.
Ryan from The OC is treated for gout.
A photo of a bombed toddler gets the meme treatment
On a listless Boxing Day afternoon the Uncle snaps up with a game to rouse everyone from their post-lunch dolour.
'I know! Let's take it in turns to say the things we hate about ourselves the most!'
Quote from: Glebe on October 28, 2020, 03:49:19 AM
Adrian Chiles pretends he is presenting ITV Sport over a pint in a pub corner.
Paul Beigeman laughs and pretends it's the whole hacky sketch where he hands over to Gabriel Clarke at the bar and there's commentary and a half arsed action replay. Howling
Soccer AM
The new 25 Years of Hollyoaks special exclusive reveals that they're been broadcasting the same 8 episodes continuously over and over since 1973, and you never noticed.
A Mr. Adrian Runcey of Stockport spends three weeks unblocking his toilet with a teaspoon.
The Christmas dread begins to ramp up for Eamonn Holme's tape worm.
After his wife's funeral, a retired barge mechanic is free to put all his energies into his Chris Serle shrine.
You binge watch old clips of That's Life! on YouTube during a bout of whooping cough.
Quote from: Glebe on October 29, 2020, 03:40:15 AM
You binge watch old clips of That's Life! on YouTube during a bout of whooping cough.
you move on to write fanfiction about carbon monoxide leaks
Unexplained ginger pubes in his underpants sends Simon the hermit into a paranoid tail spin.
He's scratching at your window again.
"Fray Bentos... Fray Bentos..."
Mick Philpott's freshly shaven ballbag descends into your mouth.
Mick Philpott dresses up as a Sexy Fireman for the first Halloween after his release from prison.
Mick Philpott convinces himself that, "he didn't do it".
Scat porn Jigsaw puzzles are on top of every kiddies Christmas wish list this year.
Sir Keir Starmer bolsters his anti-establishment credentials by boasting he once had 'front row seats' for Rage Against The Machine.
Sir Mick Philpott drives a dagger through the heart of the intolerant left.
Quote from: Shoulders?-Stomach! on October 30, 2020, 10:06:37 AM
Sir Keir Starmer bolsters his anti-establishment credentials by boasting he once had 'front row seats' for Rage Against The Machine.
Ha! Kudos on that one Shoulders. I'm sure back in the 90's Jack Straw was quoted as saying he was into RATM.
Upon hearing the playground taunt "bummers are deaf", David jams a pencil into each ear and begs, screaming, for the gay to take him.
On a packed train, a teacher with cum in his beard pesters you for a game of scrabble travel.
A cruel caretaker shows you how to make your own ready meals.
You're a key worker, you've had to take time off an already staff depleted couple of shifts while you await your covid test results. Guilt. Frustration. A text finally arrives! It looks like its from gov. whatever and says test result. You open it with some trepidation. Its a picture of the well endowed black guy meme. To top it off the wails of a woman climaxing in ecstasy start eminating loudly from your phone. The Mrs isn't happy...
You watch the news for 24 hours on the toilet with the shits.
Your constant fear that Geoff Capes is hiding in your loft, watching through spy holes, contributes to the disintegration of your marriage. As you try to sleep in your now wifeless bed you can hear Capes chuckling through the ceiling.
Out of some misplaced feelings of nostalgia for better times you enjoy putting The Rasmus on Spotify and listening to it. Twice.
it's risky, an unpleasant challenge, but there's fifty quid, free drinks all night and the whole pub is egging you on, goading you, chanting your name.
your name isn't Craig but that's what they chant
you decide to have your fifteen minutes of internet fame by dubbing the news but in a sarcastic tone
Quote from: batwings on October 31, 2020, 08:53:37 AMYour constant fear that Geoff Capes is hiding in your loft, watching through spy holes, contributes to the disintegration of your marriage. As you try to sleep in your now wifeless bed you can hear Capes chuckling through the ceiling.
Fantastic.
Donald Trump pops up at your bathroom window while you are struggling with a difficult shit and says, "What's going to happen
next?!"
Monday morning headache, hail, wind and all!
your morning poo is suspiciously too easy
You are 12 again, and held back in detention to learn about calcium as a punishment.
A pair of geese lament the dried-up meniscus of their favourite hunting puddle.
A centipede finds itself deleted from the employee database of an ironmonger's corpse.
John Stapleton, rejected by a maggot he met in his wife's armpit.
A cagoule pocket full of wailing tadpoles.
You are bullied for a solid month by a three-year-old thug called Trikecutter.
Quote from: Gregory Torso on November 02, 2020, 07:43:53 AM
A pair of geese lament the dried-up meniscus of their favourite hunting puddle.
A centipede finds itself deleted from the employee database of an ironmonger's corpse.
John Stapleton, rejected by a maggot he met in his wife's armpit.
A cagoule pocket full of wailing tadpoles.
You are bullied for a solid month by a three-year-old thug called Trikecutter.
Very nice to have you back
In the time it takes you to starve to death, arms shattered at the bottom of a disused mine shaft, you receive 348 notifications reminding you it's time for your Duolingo lesson
John decides to exorcise the disappointments of Christmases past by buying himself that Lego fire station he'd unsuccessfully asked for so many times as a child. He excitedly opens the box only to find it full of dried dog shits with his name carved into each one.
An irish wolf hound coughs up a widow's dildo in front of her grandchildren.
Good stuff GT, and welcome home back.
A Strictly fan makes their own Len Goodman mask, but it looks more like Roy Hudd.
Your weird uncle Steve is found dead in his office chair with his union jack pants on his face, an ominous stain on the gusset.
What he was looking at on the computer was not released.
A kindly triage nurse takes one look at you at the bus stop and calls you an 'absolute satchel'.
Chasing Mick Hucknall down a dual carriageway to get half a fish back
Your crime of potatoes is vomited by your dearest life partner into a paedophile's favourite water closet.
This week's Bake-Off signature is cheesy chips.
Michael of Hull demolishes a wholefoods shelf at his local Asda with a spirit level.
Brian May moves in.
Jeff Bezos and his mates in a golden palace on Mars while the Earth turns to ashes.
You tell anyone who will listen that your favourite song ever is Tenacious D's Tribute.
Google Analytics decides you're a compost.
You miss the last bus and have to walk five miles home in the cold and are really fucked off.
Quote from: touchingcloth on November 04, 2020, 11:05:08 PM
You tell anyone who will listen that your favourite song ever is Tenacious D's Tribute.
Google Analytics decides you're a compost.
your usual social gambit is to enlighten them that that song isn't in fact the greatest song in the world, like many people think. you still presume they think; they don't.
A stone in your shoe while you're running from a bear.
A bear in your shoe while you're running from a Stone (Keith Richards).
a hole in your shoe that was letting in water
Alan Hansen distributes strychnine-laced soft drinks to all a Match of the Day reunion party.
It's rancid haddock f'supper again.
Quote from: Glebe on November 06, 2020, 07:02:54 PM
It's rancid haddock f'supper again.
Rance wet is a big chippy order in St Helens
pub conversation is dominated by the guy three tables away with the rugby league as fuck voice
A Gregg's pastie goes stale on a sideboard in Devon.
The new science teacher is an elderly shitting berk. "Pontin-crumbs are a unit of despair!" he titters, unhelpfully.
Cucked by Gyles Brandreth.
Hay-On-Wye festival won't let you hand out tickets to a discussion of The Tempest because: 'the whole point of the discussion is that Caliban is supposed to be a metaphor'.
An aggressive uncle goes to a Star Trek convention in the worst Klingon costume ever.
Fray Bentos tripe is the only thing on the menu when you take your fiancé for a romantic dinner.
discalcic math rock bassist gets sacked again
You find out your ma's nickname used to be The Bridgwater Canal. When you bring it up at her 60th birthday party the whole table goes quiet.
Your dad is buried in a shit sheepskin jacket and everyone's laughing about it.
Your insistence that your French teacher had a straw arm gets you kicked out of a book club.
Your best present in years in a nasal trimmer.
A culture war shuts the Iceland in Kidderminster down after they start stocking silken tofu.
Truly a treasure trove:
" As she recovers from a brutal summer of cancer treatment, Tracey Emin takes us round her new show – and imagines spending the next 30 years painting in her pyjamas to the sound of birdsong." (http://xn--assherecoversfromabrutalsummerofcancertreatment,traceyemintakesusroundhernewshowandimaginesspendingthenext30yearspaintinginherpyjamastothesoundofbirdsong-rh03h)
Featuring such gems as:
Emin adjusts her stoma bag
she's used a catheter since being treated for appendicitis five years ago, when her bladder stopped functioning and she suffered kidney reflux, pushing urine back into her body
12 surgeons worked for six hours to remove a large tumour from her bladder. They cut out her uterus, fallopian tubes, ovaries, lymph nodes, part of her colon, urethra and some of her vagina. She kept her clitoris, but reflects sadly that it doesn't work
Carbon monoxide travels into the bladder
raped twice as a teenager, suffered a miscarriage, had a botched termination, [ok, not funny] attempted suicide [getting funnier], and lost two of her most renowned works in a fire [aaand we're back!]
She remembers, at the age of 23, falling out of a boat at night into dark waters. "It was a nice feeling," she recalls.
I did feel cursed most of my life and then after this one, when they took my bladder out, I thought, 'Fucking brilliant!
Fitzroy Square has another advantage. "It's in hobbling distance of my urologist
His housemaids said he was always proper with his models. He didn't fuck them
I'd love to have seen the crouching Emin's bronze buttocks enlivening Mayfair.
a seven-metre tall bronze called The Mother, depicting her mum Pam who died in 2016. It's currently being forged in Stoke on Trent
She defends voting for David Cameron.
Quote from: Twit 2 on November 09, 2020, 07:15:43 AM
Truly a treasure trove:
" As she recovers from a brutal summer of cancer treatment, Tracey Emin takes us round her new show – and imagines spending the next 30 years painting in her pyjamas to the sound of birdsong." (http://xn--assherecoversfromabrutalsummerofcancertreatment,traceyemintakesusroundhernewshowandimaginesspendingthenext30yearspaintinginherpyjamastothesoundofbirdsong-rh03h)
Featuring such gems as:
Emin adjusts her stoma bag
she's used a catheter since being treated for appendicitis five years ago, when her bladder stopped functioning and she suffered kidney reflux, pushing urine back into her body
12 surgeons worked for six hours to remove a large tumour from her bladder. They cut out her uterus, fallopian tubes, ovaries, lymph nodes, part of her colon, urethra and some of her vagina. She kept her clitoris, but reflects sadly that it doesn't work
Carbon monoxide travels into the bladder
raped twice as a teenager, suffered a miscarriage, had a botched termination, [ok, not funny] attempted suicide [getting funnier], and lost two of her most renowned works in a fire [aaand we're back!]
She remembers, at the age of 23, falling out of a boat at night into dark waters. "It was a nice feeling," she recalls.
I did feel cursed most of my life and then after this one, when they took my bladder out, I thought, 'Fucking brilliant!
Fitzroy Square has another advantage. "It's in hobbling distance of my urologist
His housemaids said he was always proper with his models. He didn't fuck them
I'd love to have seen the crouching Emin's bronze buttocks enlivening Mayfair.
a seven-metre tall bronze called The Mother, depicting her mum Pam who died in 2016. It's currently being forged in Stoke on Trent
She defends voting for David Cameron.
I've never understood why this stuff is meant to be inherently funny, it's just routine medical stuff that lots of people have had done, it's like saying "Haha, man over there only has one leg!!"
A Keith Harris superfan is stuck in the bargaining stage.
Dr. Alban's announcement that the 'wheels are in motion' for It's My Life (2021 remix) receives a tepid response from a Swansea nightclub audience.
A ham sandwich magnate makes the strategic error of entering the territory of a cassowary.
Quote from: Pingers on November 09, 2020, 08:38:22 AM
I've never understood why this stuff is meant to be inherently funny, it's just routine medical stuff that lots of people have had done, it's like saying "Haha, man over there only has one leg!!"
You make a good point. Posted in a rush before heading out the door for work. I just took all the bleak bits from the article. Some of it is not funny, as you say, some of it inherently is "forged in Stoke on Trent" etc
real life reddit photo peak deso
getting a box of not so cheery knock off Tasteeo's from the foodbank.
Prince Andrew orders Nicholas Witchell to murder David Dimbleby with his own bare hands. Nicholas does as he is told.
Balloon animal but full of dog shit haha
Recycled wolverine dildo in clam dip.
Steve McFadden's patreon, top tier "The Pork Pie" - for £100 "I will bake myself inside a coccoon of jelly and sausage meat for your delight"
Dr Eggman goes on the X Factor and shits on a hedgehog.
You are 'Assanged' by the RSPCA for poking a rare white dogshit with the end of a broken umbrella.
An investigative journalist tracks down Richie Edwards in Calcutta. The erstwhile Manic pulls up his sleeve and carves CASH4GOLD.COM into his arm before disappearing into the night.
Ronald McDonald returns to public life.
your new partner compliments your performance, "it's like you're Jimmy White and I'm a final"
A paedophile watching old episodes of Live and Kicking optimistically calls 01818118181 only to discover it is now a Kwik-Fit.
Richard Dawkins spots you reading Frank Herbert's Dune on the train.
"Good book?" he inquires.
"Yes, I'm very much enjoying it!" you reply.
"Right then, I'll leave you to your delusion, fantasy nonsense then!" he smirks and goes off.
Dawkins stands, agast at an open mic night
THIS SONG IS COMPLETELY MADE UP
Richard Dawkins smashes a Batman statue you bought in Forbidden Planet, "Infantile".
A man from Frome desecrates a statue of Freddie 'Parrot-Face' Davies.
A big Simon Cowell fan meets his hero in a Waitrose.
"Simon, I'm your biggest fan. My name is Harold Turnip, I'm 56 and I live here in Worcester. I'd love to be on that Pop Idol, but I suffer from depression and can't get out of bed in the morning."
"Give me your full address, and I'll pop around tomorrow for a chat!" agrees Cowell.
The next morning, Mr. Turnip is awoken by a familiar voice.
"Harold, Harold, he can't get out of bed in the morning!" sings Cowell.
Harold stares out the window at the badly-haircutted, plastic-surgery disaster.
"That's mean, Simon!"
"Well I'm a mean person! Anyway, Pop Idol ended years ago, y'daft twat!"
You can't get the smell of diarrhoea out of your trousers.
"WE'RE ALL DEPRESSED, BUT SOME OF US ARE STARING AT THE GUTTER, MATE!" screams a discombobulated loon before punting himself into a river.
Quote from: Glebe on November 15, 2020, 04:11:21 AM
You can't get the smell of diarrhoea out of your trousers.
And you are due on stage with Dane Bowers in 5 minutes!
Bamboozled into shelling out for a hospice loyalty card.
Bum tumour means you're shitting pencils.
Johnny Mathis accidentally goes to a David Baddiel show.
A self-styled Witchfinder General winds an Avon Lady with the old broom handle through the letterbox manoeuvre.
A busybody filming dogs shitting in an adventure playground gets lynched by a paedo patrol.
You are about to eat a lovely big pizza in a restaurant when a voice pipes up behind you;
"Enjoy your comfort food! Only the week avoid the cold, grim realities of life!"
You turn around. It's Dawkins again.
"Look, Professor Dawkins, why don't you leave me alone?"
"The chap who I saw reading that fantasy twaddle Dune on the train, isn't it? Enjoy y'delusions, mate!"
And he leaves with a smug smirk.
Dawkins gives a patient in the child chemo ward a proper dose of reality, while filming for his new CBBC show, Afterlife? AS IF!
Quote from: batwings on November 16, 2020, 05:09:26 PMDawkins gives a patient in the child chemo ward a proper dose of reality, while filming for his new CBBC show, Afterlife? AS IF!
"Don't get emotional about it, we all have to die sometime - things are
tough all over, kid! Now if you'll excuse me, I'm off to give Stephen Fry another Richard Dawkins Award for contributions to reason at a slap-up dinner!"
A derelict outhouse becomes the venue for this year's Crisp Packet Fan Club meet-up.
Beating a frying pan against your cummerbund to try and summon mister shrivelcock so you can consummate this night out with the suave bastard who tarmacked your Sega megadrive
A hidden panel in your dad's back reveals an abandoned control chamber full of porn and empty whippit canisters.
A ruddy-faced lotto winner blows everything trying to revive Freddie Starr.
Laurence Fox, the Board Game.
You colleague taps you on the shoulder with a snigger and passes you a calculator. It has 8OO8135 typed in, always a winner, while the fomites you come into contact with give you Long Covid for 184 years.
Your abdominal fat is siphoned by a furloughed Londis fitter.
Bongo up the arse.
The savant boy who devised the format of the UEFA Nations League has a meltdown when he realises not even he understands how the bloody thing works.
Brian gives up.
A floating support worker explodes in a hail of macrame swastiki.
Gaffer tape Jaffa cakes.
Punched in the gasper for heckling a dressage commentator
A Kevin 'Bloody' Wilson tribute act bombs in a toilet in Perth.
The nightly raids on your pet condor's grave goods leave nothing left but some bones in the shape of a tiny clothes horse.
A child's tortilla-pressed earlobe is a coaster for a mug of beef tea.
Kirstie Allsopp spends 3 weeks hand-cutting, rolling, and tying her festive glitter bunting strings, only to be told that they are indistinguishable from 49p Lidl tinsel.
the BBC News staff do a sketch about them actually 24 hours in fancy dress for Children in Need to point out how horrific that would be. the next year they do 24 hours in fancy dress for Children in Need
Quote from: Glebe on November 18, 2020, 02:20:15 PM
A Kevin 'Bloody' Wilson tribute act bombs in a toilet in Perth.
strong
Quote from: Gregory Torso on November 18, 2020, 12:17:22 PM
A floating support worker explodes in a hail of macrame swastiki.
top wordbastard
Wasting days using an AI deep learning tool to upscale an episode of Bod to 4K.
Ten years inside for stealing Edmond's spare beard.
a newspaper controversially replaces the space character with the clap emoji
The 6th Annual Gethsemane Piss-Tryst is covid-cancelled to plural-faith dismay.
"You're a disgrace to yourself, you're a disgrace to me and you're a disgrace to the entire noncing community!"
Terry has wiped the cloud storage again and the librarian isn't happy...
James Corden pushes a pleb off the sidewalk in New York.
A fuck-ugly man whistles a fuck-ugly tune.
Keith Homicide of Bracknell burns down a bird sanctuary near Hull.
Borstal bastards on a mystery tour gatecrash your daughter's funeral.
Your Jim-Davidson-faced wife asks you to buy her a new gunt trolley.
Your entire Christmas dinner is various flavours of Percy Pig.
The Hard-On of Gethsemane. You smile, satisfied with completing a life's ambition. Then of course, the nonce police arrive for you with a large starchy blanket.
Your dad thinks Leah Betts is a publishing company and no one can be arsed to correct him.
A Michael Keaton fan site has not been updated since 2004.
A shipment of Baxter's Soup is contaminated with Andrew Marr's piss.
An eight year old hacks your new teeth while queuing for a carousel refund
The year is 1988 and Jim Davidson is asking a homosexual directions to a BNP rally.
Boris Johnson sells Birmingham to Russia.
Craig David formally appoints you as his successor.
The neighborhood rats petition for your eviction.
'Wank Wednesday' is ruined when your wife decides she won't go to her sister's this week.
To one-up Narwhal Tusk guy, the next major terrorist attack in London is foiled by an avalanche of have a go heroes morbidly trying to out-lolrandom each other with their choice of repelling implement. The jihadist is eventually smothered with a pikelet, and 26 others die in the ensuing crush. Weirdly 18 of them are called Terry. The papers scream 'Best of British'.
Booze Britain cosplay
Quote from: FerriswheelBueller on November 22, 2020, 02:17:44 PM
Craig David formally appoints you as his successor.
sorry, but thatd be fucking ace
now, if he had to carry one what ever it is that i think im getting up to on this end
now THAT is what i call desolate
Quote from: PlanktonSideburns on November 23, 2020, 10:23:41 PM
sorry, but thatd be fucking ace
now, if he had to carry one what ever it is that i think im getting up to on this end
now THAT is what i call desolate
I also posted it in the Euphoria thread, which I do from time to time to amuse myself.
Planko is that new avatar a gif of Ron?!
Quote from: FerriswheelBueller on November 23, 2020, 10:36:05 PM
Planko is that new avatar a gif of Ron?!
Yes. It has been around a long while but for years these fools let it lay dormant.
Quote from: Shoulders?-Stomach! on November 23, 2020, 11:23:52 PM
Yes. It has been around a long while but for years these fools let it lay dormant.
First time I've seen it, big fan of seeing the guilt in motion.
A farmer gets angry with a dray horse and spends an hour venting about his marital problems to it.
Young Danny's life is changed forever by the experience of his first train set. He is electrocuted.
A Golden Joystick Awards white rapper is slowly forced through a garbage disposal unit by hands unseen. He raps to the end.
Steve-O is denied entry to the British Airways Business Class lounge.
Quote from: FerriswheelBueller on November 23, 2020, 10:36:05 PM
Planko is that new avatar a gif of Ron?!
Yes
Though I feel a bit unworthy
A young orphan's best friend is discontinued.
Quote from: Fishfinger on November 24, 2020, 10:29:27 PM
Young Danny's life is changed forever by the experience of his first train set. He is electrocuted.
Young Danny grew up in the 21st century and missed the fucking golden age of having an accident and then having every line of every PIF featuring that sort of accident shouted at you by your peers, with gusto
Quote from: Angrew Lloyg Wegger on November 24, 2020, 11:08:52 PM
A young orphan's best friend is discontinued.
https://www.cookdandbombd.co.uk/forums/index.php/topic,82770.0.html
The servicing of your next shit is only possible by convincing your digestive tract of casus belli.
QuoteYour Jim-Davidson-faced wife asks you to buy her a new gunt trolley.
Exquisite
Raymond from Sheffield has a custard creams fetish that would make your hair stand on end.
A series of I'm A Celebrity takes place in north Wales rather than the Australian jungle due to COVID restrictions, and features as contestants Russell Watson and Vernon Kay.
You come in, tired from a night shift and find Dave Benson-Phillips cheerfully shagging your wife.
Pat Sharp has grown his mullet back and is canvassing on your street for the Tories.
You are laying flowers on the graves of your partner and children who were killed by a bear when a familiar voice pipes up.
"Don't be so bloody sentimental! Get on with your life in a cold, logistical manner!"
Dawkins again.
And worse luck, he's brought his bear.
Quote from: FerriswheelBueller on November 26, 2020, 12:02:34 PM
And worse luck, he's brought his bear.
False.
"Dawkins" is the name of the bear who killed your family.
"Your family is shit! (due to natural metabolic processes)" Dawkins strides off, pleased with the line. To twitter!
Richard Dawkins tops the charts with his new single, "Get a Bloody Grip, Woman".
In your haste to perv over women in adverts, you post in the wrong thread.
Quote from: FerriswheelBueller on November 26, 2020, 12:02:34 PM
And worse luck, he's brought his bear.
Richard Dawkins and his non-amazing non-believing-in-dancing atheist bear
Graham finger-paints with Angel Delight in his daily journal that today has been "Graham-tastic"
You ring the local police station to report a robbery but the policeman is too busy wanking to answer your call.
Quote from: Pingers on November 27, 2020, 02:30:56 PM
Graham finger-paints with Angel Delight in his daily journal that today has been "Graham-tastic"
Then he ruins it by remembering that angels in Christianity canonically have no gender and starts writing angry letters to Jesus.
Quote from: Glebe on November 27, 2020, 04:44:51 PM
You ring the local police station to report a robbery but the policeman is too busy wanking to answer your call.
You (I) suddenly remember the windup Chinese 'British Bobby' wanking policeman with his 'truncheon' in his hand, the local, long shut down gifts, greetings cards & novelty tat shop used to sell.
Real life first decade of the 21st century imported saucy tat desolation.
eta: oh god, I've just found photographic evidence of the NSFW monstrosity
https://www.pinkcatshop.com/jokes265-clockwork-cocky-copper-the-policeman-who-pleasures-himself.html
^"Fuck Daz, I just saw the best thing ever online!"
the trailer for the niche fetish porn vid features a soundtrack of Gymnopédie No. 1
Cab crossover desolation
Quote from: Glebe on November 27, 2020, 11:01:57 PM
^"Fuck Daz, I just saw the best thing ever online!"
The Ledge buys and fills the spare room* of of his house with the entire leftover stock of unsold Cocky Coppers.
(*Daz'll just have to find a hedge to sleep in.)
He attempts to flog them off at several pounds a pop claiming their post-ironic & old enough now to be vintage (alongside the other tat on his stall of anti lockdown regulation T-Shirts and shoddy Union Jack bulldog giving the rude vs made in china facemasks - trying to cash in on both markets).
After a long day of standing behind his tabel in the rain (next to the piss stained old mattress & broken sofa) failing to make a sale, Garry (for it is he) spots Ned-not-admitting-middle-age coming and manages to con him into buying one for £100 convincing him it's ultra rare and if he shows it off to his mates from work everyone'll think's he's totally hip and trendy and one of the lads.
Unfortunately Ned fails to wait til they all go down the pub after work, and whips out his wanking polices right there in the office, while bragging about how this proves he's totally down with the kids.
Thanks to a terrible misunderstanding and office chinese whispers he ends up being questioned by the police and having to regularly sign the sex offenders registry.
Oh and he's sacked,
again.
Ledge celebrates by getting his mates Anti-pedo Pete & his gang of not so jolly pedo hunters to beat Ned up.
Then offers to 'protect Ned' if he gives him all his pogs.
^ thread won't let me edit - a) new page cunt. b) that should be a wanking policeman
"Daz, me life seems even more desolate than usual lately!"
"Louder, Gary!"
"DAZ, ME LIFE SEEMS EVEN MORE DESOLATE THAN USUAL LATELY!"
"That's because you've wanderer in the Deso thread, Gary."
"OH NO, HOW DO I GET OUT?"
"Keep shouting sir, we'll find you!"
If your ancestors could see you now.
Reginald of Hove performs a take-down of a local tramp, saying, "No, you can't have and of my G&T you pleb of no abode!"
You smear bonjela onto a child's gums, but oh no, they have Reye's syndrome
Sam Allardyce is given a big-money 8 year deal at your club. He receives full control over signings, and spends his first press conference announcing a lavish multi-year contract for Phil Babb.
Lee Mack is torn to shreds by wild boar and the CaB thread about it is filled with horrible comments mocking the poor man.
Brian May keeps popping up in your dreams. Nothing too sinister but he's always there, tuning his guitar while staring at you. It was an occasional curiosity at first but now May features in every dream you have, and in an increasingly prominent way. Worrying.
You start to think about him during waking hours too. A bit at first, when remembering the dreams, but soon its happening more and more.
Brian May now dominates your inner mental life.
Last week you started seeing him in real life. He was in Tesco's, then at the petrol station. Yesterday you're pretty sure he was seated on the top deck of a bus. Just looking at you. Tuning his guitar. Driving a police car. Reading the news.
This morning your neighbour said he saw Brian May in your garden. Your neighbour is Brian May.
You run in to tell your wife. You are married to Brian May. He is now spooning you, whispering in your ear: 'I love you, Brian.'
Fortunately you soon get rid of him by pretending to be Candy Crush
(https://i.redd.it/cxkd48fvj8921.png)
^ real life actual Brian May not understanding twitter glorious hilarity.
You immediately file for divorce, citing irreconcilable differences, after your wife suggests getting a takeaway by singing the "Did somebody say Just Eat?" jingle from the adverts.
You try to assassinate Guam's Most Terrible Paedo but they have Klippel-Feil syndrome and you don't adjust your aiming, hitting a wren in the minge.
Your McDonald's Happy Meal goes cold while a pair of Mormons loom threateningly and quiz you with deadly precision.
Your sex partner Friar Cuck is RSVPooing Yes to the latest event at Kirkstall Halfords
Nick Cave releases a cover of Fairytale of New York, except every noun is replaced with the word faggot. He tweets relentlessly about it on Twitter, just daring some libtard to be offended. He is 63 years old.
You order a wig but only made from the horseshoe of a badly balding man's hair.
Dusty Bin running over with hospital offal.
Ducks in a park pond respond to the arrival of Robert Smith by immediately migrating, enmasse. Despondent, Smith haunts a bench and consumes his bag of bread himself.
Quote from: Poirots BigGarlickyCorpse on December 02, 2020, 02:04:25 AM
Nick Cave releases a cover of Fairytale of New York, except every noun is replaced with the word faggot. He tweets relentlessly about it on Twitter, just daring some libtard to be offended. He is 63 years old.
despite being a cover version, he is still shot dead over the xenophobic content, despite the original being Irish
Gerrard of Hove has saved enough crisp packets for the Guinness Book of Records, he reckons.
Due to overzealous Covid restrictions at work, the gents toilets capacity has been reduced. What had been a 4 trap toilet arrangement has now been reduced to 1 trap. Andrew, the obese wheezing contractor has blocked the kahzee with bangers and mash again and its next level horrendous smelling. Knowing what he has done, he giggles and points at you with his shit eating grin. He knows you know its him and theres nothing you can do about it.
You are blackmailed into changing your name to Randal and have to hang around naked in the precinct all day. Otherwise, there's an envelope winging it's way to your wife, containing photos of you in a compromising position with a llama.
Your tapeworm has met someone else.
Zero fucks given at Irishman Des O'lation's funeral as the eulogy is snippets from the 6 desolation threads on a comedy discussion forum frequented by bald, phimoses ridden verbwhores.
Quote from: dex on December 03, 2020, 03:56:54 PM
Zero fucks given at Irishman Des O'lation's funeral as the eulogy is snippets from the 6 desolation threads on a comedy discussion forum frequented by bald, phimoses ridden verbwhores.
And they didn't even bother to capitalise his name properly. Tans gonna Tan.
You develop a massive erection at the local coffee morning. It won't go away and you earn some very disapproving looks.
"They wouldn't be called stools if you weren't meant to sit on them", says the awful man at the back of the bus.
After being blanked on a fell by a ram, a man sets up an industrial sheep farming operation.
Your sex life has to be written off when your mother begins the menopause.
It's only twenty past nine, but all this bleeding is making you tired.
After a difficult diarrhea bout, you chance a hot curry. It starts all over again, y'bloody plonker!
A Gammon's overdose attempt fails when he messes up the conversion from grammes to ounces
Greg from Dumfries gets caught short during a decathlon.
Quote from: Glebe on December 06, 2020, 03:40:43 PM
Greg from Dumfries gets caught short at a branch of Decathlon.
You open the door to number 6 on your Smiggle advent calendar to discover the foetus of your aborted sister.
You pass your Dad busking the Wiggles back catalogue on his penis.
the local feminist group tells you it was your own fault you got a kicking for looking trans instead of like the sort of women men want to fuck
(https://i.imgur.com/AoQ79Vw.jpg)
Quote from: dissolute ocelot on December 07, 2020, 11:45:57 AM
The ugly duckling.
THUMBS UP ICON.
Colin, 17, embarks on a career in HR, fully expecting it to be shit.
The RSPB are investigating Heron Foods on suspicion of taking their name too literally.
Quote from: Spoon of Ploff on December 07, 2020, 11:03:24 AM
(https://i.imgur.com/AoQ79Vw.jpg)
I was walking along an elevated footpath that used to be a railway track yesterday, there was a bloke leaning over the bridge, with one of those dogs that's like a staffie but twice as big, peering over the wall next to him, with a can of tennents in his hand, both just aimlessly watching the world go by.
Quote from: pancreas on December 07, 2020, 08:30:32 PM
The RSPB are investigating Heron Foods on suspicion of taking their name too literally.
In other news, Trading Standards force Farm Foods to rebrand as Industrial Meat Shed Foods, prompting a sharp increase in sales in the Bolton area.
Chaos banking with Chaka Demus & Pliers
Chaka Demus absorbs Pliers.
Chris Grayling visits a shoe depository in Osaka to find a wife for his cum slipper.
A self-service guillotine is installed in Shepeau Stow's ossuary express.
A pallid librarian refuses entry to a butch woman he considers to be "one of them trendengenders".
Captain Sir Tom Moore sends you a cease and desist
A The Who tribute act gets booed off 'the stage' in a Borehamwood pub. Youngest member is 56.
Quote from: Glebe on December 08, 2020, 07:02:53 PM
A The Who tribute act gets booed off 'the stage' in a Borehamwood pub. Youngest member is 56.
One of them was Roger Daltrey 'having some fun' on his day off. Nobody recognised him.
Quote from: jenna appleseed on December 08, 2020, 11:29:36 PMOne of them was Roger Daltrey 'having some fun' on his day off. Nobody recognised him.
He doesn't even recognise himself in the toilet mirror. "Who am I... who-who-who-who?!"
Quote from: Spoon of Ploff on December 07, 2020, 11:03:24 AM(https://i.imgur.com/AoQ79Vw.jpg)
Not Stellla so not Gary, then.
Quote from: Spoon of Ploff on December 07, 2020, 11:03:24 AM
(https://i.imgur.com/AoQ79Vw.jpg)
These Bridgwater monoliths are shit.
A Hale and Pace tribute act crash spectacularly at a working men's club in Salford, 1990.
A couple of months ago you started a covert version of buzzword bingo, like office bingo but within your family home. You've just done a tally up and so far the leading phrase, by some distance, is "blunt force trauma"
You are berated for bringing a Colin the Human Centipede cake to a 4th birthday party
Roger of Dunstable is looking forward to his "birthday dump".
Quote from: Glebe on December 10, 2020, 05:28:05 PM
Roger of Dunstable is looking forward to his "birthday dump".
Dumpstable
My real life deso from this morning: accidentally stepping in molten human shit while clearing up used condoms and needle wrappers in recreation area[nb]I was using a litter picker before anyone asks[/nb]
Quote from: Pingers on December 11, 2020, 09:12:11 AMMy real life deso from this morning: accidentally stepping in molten human shit while clearing up used condoms and needle wrappers in recreation area[nb]I was using a litter picker before anyone asks[/nb]
Oh fuck Pings you poor fella.
Well, I chose to do it (not the stepping in shit, mind). The real desolation is trying to picture the scene that left this detritus: vulnerable woman gives knee trembler to guy who's just shot up, his mate squirts out his first shit for three days while he waits his turn. Grim.
Quote from: Pingers on December 11, 2020, 09:42:06 AM
vulnerable woman gives knee trembler to guy who's just shot up, his mate squirts out his first shit for three days while he waits his turn
Time
Could just be a pharmacist gone rogue.
Or the remains after a meeting of the shadow cabinet
A shrine to casualties of a landslide is turned into a cocktail bar. "Excellent!" declare the grieving survivors. "A round of 'Muddy Buggers', please."
Christmas Wrapping by The Waitresses fails the Bechdel test.
A Falklands veteran aggressively commandeers the nudge buttons on a fruit machine you are playing in a Coverack pub.
As you get into your car in a multi-story car park, a glance in the rear view mirror reveals Simon Bates in the back seat.
"How did you find me?"
"Just drive."
Sucking the head of a Lindt small chocolate snowman, imagining it's a cock.
Might belong in euphoria tbh.
Your son Ballard is strung up on a joist by some onion scented ne'erdowells.
A troop of 'authentic' pygmies is turned into a yogurt logo by a pissed-up Sudanese telemarketer.
Your evening's fantasies are coloured by your day job: looking at cocks all day in the morgue.
You're outbidded for the clippings from some dried-cum boxer shorts by the reverend of your ailing parish.
You have an absolutely head-wrecking bad dream and wake up at 5PM on a grey day!
Turkey fat face burns in the k-hole, salmonella boxing day in the ICU
Cold Monday, bleak shittiness, etc.
Nigel Farage pulls another slip of paper from his desk drawer and beams. For he has found yet another angle to stay relevant in the public eye.
Richard from Keeping Up Appearances engages a self-destructive weekend of humiliation fetishism: "I'm Mr Bucket, put your balls in my mouth" his cry
A train ride is ruined when a man sits opposite you with a big sour, muggy puss on him. You ask him politely why he isn't wearing a mask but he just mugs and sours at you.
Quote from: Glebe on December 15, 2020, 04:44:10 AM
A train ride is ruined when a man sits opposite you with a big sour, muggy puss on him. You ask him politely why he isn't wearing a mask but he just mugs and sours at you.
he cries to the media and is awarded £20,000 in compensation for lying that you coughed on him and gave him the virus he'd carried onto the train from work
he spends it on a heroin habit and gets HIV from a shared needle
he's an AIDS denialist and you meet him later, boasting about his slim figure and fitness routine
it's obvious to both of you that that's complete bollocks and he's dying of AIDS
when he dies, you are given his possessions after appealing the £20k case and your name is cleared. worth £18.46 minus a standard admin charge of £200. you slam the door in the face of the delivery agent, and get on the phone to the papers, prick definitely coughed on you. deffo. coronavirus was eradicated eight years ago. but still
A paedophile has a quotidian disappointing shag up a man dressed up as a boy. It just isn't the same.
After stewing over a positive HIV result a gigolo resolves to be 'a one-man AIDS Dignitas'
Quote from: jenna appleseed on December 11, 2020, 11:05:56 PM
Sucking the head of a Lindt small chocolate snowman, imagining it's a cock.
Might belong in euphoria tbh.
DESO.
A child is excited about the arrival of Santa, until Richard Dawkins pops his head in the window and shouts, "Oh
grow up! Santa Claus is fictitious nonsense and a boy of nine should be aware of that!"
You can no longer take the 50% credit of the compliment-by-proxy that "Your daughter is beautiful," after you find out your wife conceived her with the bin men.
A poorly audited 6 Music "Business Time" segment sees Lauren Laverne giving shout outs to McDonalds, Kwik Fit and the National Front.
Quote from: Glebe on December 16, 2020, 02:53:27 AM
DESO.
A child is excited about the arrival of Santa, until Richard Dawkins pops his head in the window and shouts, "Oh grow up! Santa Claus is fictitious nonsense and a boy of nine should be aware of that!"
Richard Dawkins claims his subsequent breaking and entering charges are a fabrication from the woke Muslim stasi. despite the clearest evidence
Richard Dawkins heckles an infant school nativity play, emitting a loud, pained "No!" after nearly every line. He leaves briskly as soon as it's done. Another play is starting soon in a nearby school he can't be late.
A threadbare Cookie Monster glove puppet streaked with orangey human shit. "For my favourite godson. Happy Christmas!" You write on the gift tag. You don't have a godson.
Evil Richard Dawkins pops in to see a terminally ill child and yells, "ENJOY THE REST OF YOUR SHORT AND MEANINGLESS LIFE!"
Richard Dawkins is suspended from twitter so sets up his own mastodon fork where he can have a space to talk about his own agenda. It's populated entirely by sycophants and he can't get a good fight going with anyone
A pustuled hand linger-fingers the bum sheds
Richard Dawkins gives Stephen Fry The Richard Dawkins Award for Defiance of Political Correctness at a slap-up ceremony in Dubai in which Ricky Gervais is also in attendance.
Quote from: Glebe on December 18, 2020, 08:05:03 PM
Richard Dawkins gives Stephen Fry The Richard Dawkins Award for Defiance of Political Correctness at a slap-up ceremony in Dubai in which Ricky Gervais is also in attendance.
J*m D*v*ds*n sits at home, opening another tin to convince himself he's not bitter. the tin is bitter, though
Children buy Penny Growlers with grot coins
Dead dogs dangle from a fly strewn milk cart
In the village of Odd Stainsby, in Lincolnshire
Watching Paint Dry with Alan Titchmarsh, Mondays on Five.
Dream interpretation with Alan Hansen. All interpretations relate to football.
A cold salad goes rotten on a plate in a Devonshire shite cafe.
Real box-ticker right here.
https://www.mirror.co.uk/news/uk-news/mum-who-eaten-christmas-dinner-23181163
Quote from: Sebastian Cobb on December 19, 2020, 05:37:17 PM
Real box-ticker right here.
https://www.mirror.co.uk/news/uk-news/mum-who-eaten-christmas-dinner-23181163
God.
We've got:
- Paper calling meat, veg and spuds all roasted together "Christmas dinner"
- She makes the "Christmas dinner" "stretch as far as possible"
- "Back in my day"/"it's all different now isn't it"
- She eats nothing else, ever
- Photo of her holding a "takeaway roast" that looks like scraps for the pig
- This is news, somehow
A shitload of mushy carrots and a piece of meat the size of a baby's fist.
Weaponised phaal guffs
Quote from: Sebastian Cobb on December 19, 2020, 07:11:05 PM
A shitload of mushy carrots and a piece of meat the size of a baby's fist.
Tim Martin in shambles
Your anus is a disappointing Xmas attraction, branded in the press as tawdry, incomplete, off-putting to children and not living up to a slick marketing campaign.
Your wife: A balloon with a photo of Antony Worrall Thompson pasted on it and tethered to an uncooked chicken wearing miniature tights and suspenders.
Richard Dawkins tells a depressed newborn to pull it's socks up.
Standing in a hospice car park, and with the aid of a bullhorn, Richard Dawkins gives his traditional Christmas lecture on entropy and the inevitability of death.
A drunken Dawkins loudly berates an elf for 'perpetuating evil lies' before being dragged away and informed it's just a child in a green anorak.
Genuine Sooty shop merch.
(https://i.imgur.com/vKENwpC.jpg?1)
What's that Sooty?
2020's finally got to everybody - even Sweep's had enough, failed to make a noose & ended up a sausagey tangled mess,
and he's actually really, really hungry now, but he can't even eat the sausages because they're all dried up and shriveled?
Those aren't sausages. Those are Sooty's Boxing Day shits strung together on a thread. Just before he died of bowel cancer.
Gape drains gulp thick piss-blood at Thrattock's Meats
In the village of Odd Stainsby, in Lincolnshire
A bum doesn't know what to do with itself, turning this way and that in a bit to emit diarrhea in a neat and tidy flood.
The wife finds you prancing around your moonlit conservatory, wearing just your coma daughter's panties. FFS 2020!
(https://i.ibb.co/zN2hLbV/puredeso.jpg) (https://ibb.co/Ybd7K8B)
Your gingerbread men inform you they are tired of life and are throwing themselves off a high cupboard to their deaths, but really it's a scat fetish club and they're jumping in your toilet, repeatedly.
Quote from: batwings on December 21, 2020, 08:54:59 PM
The wife finds you prancing around your moonlit conservatory, wearing just your coma daughter's panties. FFS 2020!
You call it a conservatory, she calls it a henge of pizza boxes.
A closed-down Greggs proves an eyesore on a sooty Birmingham hovel-street.
an abandoned leisure centre, guarded by turrets that bark "GET BACK YOU BASTARD, I'LL BREAK YOUR LEGS"
T. Cannick, 48, of Yorkshire, thinks long and hard about PlayStations5. Gnrr. All his friends have them. Dare he get an XBoxer? Dare he?
PLEASE VULVAFY ME FROM MY CLIT TO MY UPPER ASSHOLE, croons Grandpa Fingers, who has been listening to Nicky Minja on a loop since thingy died.
Greg Crackers of Kilburn slams a hamburger into his anus "for a thrill?"
A lowly menial travel agent desk serf proves mean and nasty, and is dubbed 'The Lunn Poly Bastard'.
Peter glows every time someone says the word 'nonce'.
Quote from: Shoulders?-Stomach! on December 24, 2020, 08:15:02 AMPeter glows every time someone says the word 'nonce'.
He flickers twice in succession every time the word 'poncey' comes up.
A Minge Lord plies a lost child with goose fat
A festive strain of cowpox does the rounds
Abattoir outflowings glisten the streets
It's Christmas! In the village of Odd Stainsby, in Lincolnshire
Harold of Staffordshire has an arse that reeks of burnt cabbages.
a fresh Irish Republican campaign kicks off in England, and since most of the country will instinctively blame The Muslims anyway, they get away with it
Quote from: the midnight watch baboon on December 22, 2020, 05:46:03 PM
PLEASE VULVAFY ME FROM MY CLIT TO MY UPPER ASSHOLE, croons Grandpa Fingers, who has been listening to Nicky Minja on a loop since thingy died.
Very good
After a tense recount, your new prime minister is Barry Manilow.
Gal Gadot spits on an extra.
You mog around a dull road with all dogshit on the path.
An arse pays tribute to the glans region.
being promised a baby yoda for christmas & unwrapping this grumpy elf with a slug in a potato sack body.
(https://i.redd.it/8051rce5at761.jpg)
More than is deserved tbh
Reginald, 51, enjoys rolling in cold muck of a bad Monday.
A game of Cards Against Humanity is optioned as an HS Art thread, which gets two replies.
Quote from: jenna appleseed on December 28, 2020, 04:38:27 AM(https://i.redd.it/8051rce5at761.jpg)
Dobby has really let himself go.
You become obsessed with Nesquik to the point where if you don't have two jars of the stuff a week you're like a fucking demon.
After a laundry mixup, you end up camped in Keir Starmer's taint gas.
You attend a midnight mass in a pair of piss soaked cords.
A Prader Willi sufferer eats a 12 person honey glazed ham in the back of a Vauxhall Sharan, in an Asda car park.
The kitten you received for Xmas chokes to death on a fake plastic moustache that squirted out of an Xmas cracker.
Watching Christmas day Eastenders, you realise you will never be as popular as Ian Beale.
Hospice deathbed wank. Interrupted. Never completed.
The first ominous mention of a Mrs Brown's Boys box set occurs inside a rain-pounded caravan.
At a family function you are offered a "special treat outside" by Bad Graham, a man not known for respecting the autonomy of others.
A deed sea creature's Mawbook group 'GET ON THE LAND' fails to take off, which it blames on, 'blacks'.
Morrissey binges a Mind Your Language boxset at his LA mansion.
the Tory Mp who fell for Cake is celebrating his New Years Brexit in a travelodge with a lifesize cut out photo of Maggie Thatcher
https://twitter.com/amessd_southend/status/1344363331436617728
(https://pbs.twimg.com/media/EqgjUmvW4AIW55U?format=jpg)
Ah so that's what that was all about in the Farage Photoshop thread! Another top notch CaB meme, and supplied by a Brass Eye VIP and all!
New Year, new tumor.
A New Year's chem-sex party in Derby ends in February.
A New Year's Day steak pie is found to contain 48% gristle.
You send a dick pic to Michalea Strachan but she mistakes it for 'a mole rat sleeping in a greasy nest'.
Quote from: Sebastian Cobb on December 31, 2020, 09:53:45 PM
You send a dick pic to Michalea Strachan but she mistakes it for 'a mole rat sleeping in a greasy nest'.
Laughed
You forget that it's the New Year and still think it is the last shit year.
Malcolm Arse of Hastings spends his autumn years swearing at young people and spitting tobacco on the pavement.
A new year, and a man realises that his marriage has been held together by the shock wave flash plug in for all these years
Quote from: PlanktonSideburns on January 02, 2021, 03:12:53 PMA new year, and a man realises that his marriage has been held together by the shock wave flash plug in for all these years
Also, the only thing he has in common with his daughter is a love of JavaScript. "It's the only thing we can bond over."
Your panel-beating career hits the skids.
Quote from: FerriswheelBueller on January 02, 2021, 05:03:11 PM
Your panel-beating career hits the skids.
The Skids retaliate en masse
A smog-cloud shaped like Richard Dawkins face grins meanly above a dark satanic mill.
The new level 6 restrictions see all television programmes replaced with Richard Dawkins explaining why you're an inadequate, gurning fuckwit, while Ricky Gervais laughs in the background.
Dawkins pops out of a bowl of sherry trifle, spitting "Act with some dignity, would you, and stop celebrating and being happy!"
A grey soup malingers in the pot while you scrub-a-dub-dub some shitty carpet.
Quote from: Glebe on January 03, 2021, 02:37:01 PM
A grey soup malingers in the pot while you scrub-a-dub-dub some shitty carpet.
Ned gate crashes the thread to sing the Shake'N'Vac jingle.
Quote from: jenna appleseed on January 03, 2021, 02:44:50 PMNed gate crashes the thread to sing the Shake'N'Vac jingle.
"Go back! Back to the shadow!" cries Ledge, who has popped in during a lull in his own thread.
A piece of Welsh rarebit goes cold on a desk clerk's desk in 1973.
As a mind-control experiment, the entire British Nation is made to perform 'So Long, Farewell' from The Sound of Music.
Quote from: Glebe on January 05, 2021, 06:51:09 PM
As a mind-control experiment, the entire British Nation is made to perform 'So Long, Farewell' from The Sound of Music.
Something about escaping to Switzerland and Dignitas.
real life reddit ad desolation
A terrible Nirvana wannabe, keeps throwing money out the window on adverts spamming their shitty soundcloud, and keeps the replies on even though they've had most people telling them their music is shit & they can't sing etc. for over a year.
They're convinced that somehow this is going to magically turn them into a meme which will make them rich and famous.
https://www.reddit.com/user/Imbred-/comments/bcmuy9/hi_i_am_a_songwriter_who_makes_punk_and/
Sue Towsend's book The Queen And I becomes real and Her Majesty is banished to a bedsit with no heating
(https://i.imgur.com/EdXhtuX.jpg)
'One's cunt of death is freezing'
(also almost me in real life, but less grumpy queen faced, because it's fucking cold)
You go mental and piss on a train carriage.
Feel like shite, just want Corbyn back.
Alone in your kitchen, you play "Did I dirty it today, or did I fail to wash it yesterday?"
Forced by a great-uncle's legacy to name your as-yet-unconceived first child either Peregrine or Penelope if you wish to be freed from poverty, and standing over your naked wife, you try desperately to remember if doggy style or missionary has a greater chance of conceiving a girl.
Quote from: Glebe on January 07, 2021, 05:21:24 PM
You go mental and piss on a train carriage.
Wasn't expecting that and laughed
Quote from: Shoulders?-Stomach! on January 07, 2021, 10:22:31 PMWasn't expecting that and laughed
Haha! It's always the off-the-cuff ones, isn't it? Whilst something you have in your head and think, "Can't wait to post this, should get a chuckle if there's any justice!" falls flat with nary a titter* in sight!
*Oo-er!
Richard Dawkins prevents a child from buying themselves a treat by blocking the confectionary counter in the local newsagents. "YOU SHALL NOT PASS!"
You, as a child, find a washed up bottle on a beach with a note in it. You get excited and then read the note and it just says "GO ON, PULL BACK THE SKIN AND WANK IT".
DJ Spoony describes your death as 'pukka'
You Google 'spatulas' and accidentally see a load of illegal images that haunt you till your grave.
You buy a lovely pack of salami but when you open it it's just dogshit and pubes.
Margaret Hodge takes it upon herself to liberate the homeless with a bolt gun and a spade.
Matt Hancock is discovered wanking naked in Piccadilly Circus at dawn.
A shitty pair of Y-fronts dangles from a broken lamppost in Skegness.
You are given a £200 fine for leaving the house. Never mind that it was on fire and you evacuated -you should have burnt to death in it.
Quote from: dex on January 12, 2021, 08:46:47 AM
You are given a £200 fine for leaving the house. Never mind that it was on fire and you evacuated -you should have burnt to death in it.
you storm off to pass Go more out of spite than anything else
Samantha Fox describes covid as "the AIDS of the 2020's," in an interview with Gardner's World magazine.
Your Google image search for 'hairy cunt' is just hundreds of pictures of you.
All your Tamil Nadu mates give you a proper razzin'. No, no, leave it out, leave it out, Tamil Nadu mates, you cry, but to no avail.
Quote from: Utterdrivel on January 13, 2021, 02:20:52 AM
Your Google image search for 'hairy cunt' is just hundreds of pictures of you.
despite the fact you've been Duncan Goodhew your whole life
Billy Bragg is caught at deep backward square while prodding at a wide one in the first back garden gnome cricket test.
A poster for a Crash Test Dummies gig from 1995, going all soggy in a basement.
You never seem to find the time, but you vow that soon you will finish your life's work: the definitive Mark Goodier biography.
Richard Dawkins' ghost gets into an argument with Derek Acorah over his own existence.
You have an enormous breakdown and roll around in sleety cold mud.
Quote from: Glebe on January 15, 2021, 03:22:42 AM
You have an enormous breakdown and roll around in sleety cold mud.
It's the most fun you've had in years.
Your asphalt blood splat fortuitously spells out "now they'll be sorry" but is mopped away by an illiterate janitor mistaking it for jam.
Poland. "If he doesn't auto-strangulate, we'll do it ourselves," say the appalled midwifes, but still, you climbed out of the rubble.
You got what you want, only you didn't want it.
The happiest taxi driver I know killed himself.
A lamb is fucked, first minute out the sac.
Stain. Never coming off. Never. Coming. Off.
Genuinely happy to live in a waterproof bag in a field.
Kahlil Gibran said, "A pearl is a temple built by pain around a grain of sand. What longing built our bodies and around what grains?"
A pearl is a lump of shit built by no one in an empty universe. No longing created us, there's only the pain.
EDIT GLITCH CUNTFACE
NEW RANGE GREETING CARDS:
"Dog shit kicked up an arsehole. Fuck off."
Jamie Redknapp says to stop taking the oceans for granted. Got it?
All shitty excrement runs down your new slacks.
You agree to go on Desert Island Discs.
When you get to the studio the producer informs you there's been a mix up: it's not Discs, it's Desert Island Sadists; and it's not actually a hypothetical - you'll be flown off right after the show. You don't even get to choose the sadists; they've already been chosen.
'I'm afraid you've already signed the contract sir. So... you'll be reading from this script, ok?' the producer smarms, shoves it in your palm.
You wriggle to the bathroom; it's ten minutes before airtime. You splash water onto your face, look up into the mirror, and see the squirmy Matt Hancock staring back at you. You are he; it dawns on you. For the first time, it dawns on you. You are Matt Hancock. Christ.
You have to brush your sheets down because Tim Vincent has been eating almond croissants in your bed.
Welcome to Incest Lockdown
A pavement crevice provides you with relief, best shag in decades.
The jovial Oak Furniture Land salesman recreates the famous ads by knocking on a table and exclaiming "There's no veneer in 'ere, nor evidence that I touched any of those girls," before walking out the door and under a bus.
2 girls 1 cup is added to Netflix.
On his Twitter bio, your boss describes himself as a "Craghoppers fanboi".
Banged up on remand and your celly is Michael McIntyre. He wants you to hear the material he's been working on for his comeback tour. And then he'll bum you.
Ambient builder shouting piped directly to your life.
A 59 year-old phimotic starts his own Quidditch tournament in his back garden. It's just him and his dog, Weasley.
Quote from: the midnight watch baboon on January 18, 2021, 08:46:09 PM
Ambient builder shouting piped directly to your life.
I find it's usually the "business partner" who has no actual building skills but owns the van and knows how to apply VAT.
Former TV cunt John Leslie scrapes rancid shite off the leg of his trousers with the lid of bean tin after standing against a dogshit covered wall in a pissy town.
Mick Fleetwood removes his chin and leaves it in an airing cupboard.
A raw onion goes mouldy at the back of a Tesco warehouse.
Brian is building a gulag in his back garden "For when the time comes."
Billy Bragg releases a cover of Crazy Frog (Axel F Theme) and donates proceeds to ITV's charitable foundation.
Your penis is a secret you will take to your grave.
Grace Jones is stalking you around Tesco again. Oh wait, no, that's Geoff Capes.
A winter high tide captures 33% of the UK's end of the pier entertainers, but fails to kill them.
A sentient sock puppet is making it's way from Shropshire to Hull, when it suddenly thinks, "Ah nah mate fuck my life."
"And how is your wife? Hehehe!" Richard Osman smugly addresses you. Before you can reply with anything witty he says "Smell my fingers, mate."
A man who has been postponing suicide because his intention was to do it in tandem with the international release of No Time To Die gets a cashew lodged in his larynx. To death? Yes.
A mystery tour driver hate-scrolls through Wayne Sleep's twitter timeline while waiting for his coachload of void dodgers to come out of the biscuit factory.
A gross of raw Edmonds is embedded in a BBC digital file, causing a glitch on the iPlayer that makes Mr. Blobby appear as an avatar of doom.
Your nan dies deep in the woods in a waterlogged gingerbread house that you helped erect.
Stalked by golf fans forever shouting GET IN THE HOOOOOOLE at you.
Your newly-arrived Russian bride is a dead bear in a yellow sundress. That's the third time now. Frustrating!
Your attempt to woo your beautiful new neighbour with a photo of your taint polyp ends in ignominy when you fall out of the Morrisons passport photo booth.
Quote from: batwings on January 24, 2021, 01:14:48 PM
Your newly-arrived Russian bride is a dead bear in a yellow sundress. That's the third time now. Frustrating
And it wasn't even a Russian bear, you got conned by some chancers who just pinched one from your local zoo, and spent all that 'delivery money' on cigs.
Waking up covered in that film you get underneath onion skin, in Poole.
Your new housemate moonwalks into the front room.
Your penis is described as "a work in progress".
(https://www.dogsonacid.com/attachments/716518da-a659-4854-907f-daa5e18f7292-jpeg.196678/)
Slowly grating yourself into a sewer, feet first, with sparse public attendance.
The nit comb you've been using as a toothpick has to be called into action for its true purpose, a musical instrument.
Your uncle says your railings project "has scope" but he's not even being charitable—he simply doesn't care.
You are declared Hortator of House Goebbels
Quote from: Shoulders?-Stomach! on February 01, 2021, 04:57:43 AM
You are declared Hortator of House Goebbels
You are declared "Dönitz-tier".
Waking up covered in that film you get in Poole, in the carpark of the Halfords autocentre in the Nuffield industrial estate, Poole.
Boycey's Sheffield lovechild pitches Dogglebox to the thin face in his bathroom mirror.
Visiting Auschwitz to take a break from your sex tourism holiday to Poland.
Paul Weller is very confused by a flood of bad amazon & yelp reviews from bewildered visitors of seashanty tiktok complaining about his total failure to deliver them sugar and tea and rum.
---
Paul Weller discovers seashanty tiktok and moans "this song is totally inaccurate, but I guess I should be pleased it didn't mention The Jam or my stupid hair, not even once."
You awaken to discover you are just an eye on the pillow.
Back to sleep then.
Refusing to watch a Guy Ritchie film because they use the term Pikey instead of Gypo.
Quote from: jenna appleseed on February 02, 2021, 10:38:00 PM
Paul Weller is very confused by a flood of bad amazon & yelp reviews from bewildered visitors of seashanty tiktok complaining about his total failure to deliver them sugar and tea and rum.
---
Paul Weller discovers seashanty tiktok and moans "this song is totally inaccurate, but I guess I should be pleased it didn't mention The Jam or my stupid hair, not even once."
a similar case befall's the back end of a bus favourite Vitabiotics and their range of male-oriented vitamins and supplements
A peer-reviewed scientific paper proves you're a twat.
Your valentine's gift of a staple gun is returned with interest.
Your new godfather Rhydian holds a cum fiesta in your attic
Oh you 3d printed a new leg for that paraplegic duck, how kind. Except now you've created a cyborg rapist.
Great work with the 3d printer there
Just great.
your batshit paranoid mum sends her new man Bob to pick you up from the shopping mall
AEathelred Son of WAEathelwrong, shouts down a well for a laugh, the echo that reverberates back isn't his voice though. Suddenly a waEll Wytch leaps out and wanks him to death.
A pyramid labourer takes a shite between the massive stones, this throws the alignment with the stars off by a micrometer and causes civilisation to do a wrong'un.
After hearing the opening strains on Sue Ryder's Hospice FM, all the care workers break into a boisterous rendition of Gary Glitter's 'I'm The Leader of The Gang'.
A Last of the Summer Wine outtake is discovered where Compo is doing a shooting-in-the-back-of-the-head motion to the back of Clegg's head.
Your role in the heist is demoted to "watching our coats".
You shit out some silverfish.
Your name, mis-spelt on a gravestone, in comic-sans font.
Quote from: dex on February 11, 2021, 06:39:52 PM
Your name, mis-spelt on a gravestone, in comic-sans font.
It's a 'going away gift' from your parents following your disclosure of a terminal illness.
A man robs a newsagents disguised with a home-made Pa Larkin mask.
Richard Dawkins goes to a vending machine to get "a tin of fizzy pop."
Quote from: Glebe on February 12, 2021, 12:25:54 AM
A man robs a newsagents disguised with a home-made Pa Larkin mask.
The actual David Jason is last seen loudly protesting his innocence.
Quote
Richard Dawkins goes to a vending machine to get "a tin of fizzy pop."
Spends over an hour lecturing the machine on why it's foolish to believe in God or a god.
In the end they have to call the police to get him removed from the leisure centre.
You fist pump when you read your latest notification "congratulations, you're in the top 99.98% of Onlyfans creators in your local area". Fuck me only 0.02% above me, I'm good.
Pipped to the post at interview stage -losing out on a customer service position for a hearing aid company to the bass player of Babylon Zoo.
It turns out busty MILFs in Plymouth are NOT waiting to fuck you. Waste of a coach ticket.
A door handle is put where a door handle really shouldn't go.
Quote from: FerriswheelBueller on February 12, 2021, 02:26:29 PM
A door handle is put where a door handle really shouldn't go.
On the hinge side of the door, right?
Could be, could be.
Richard Dawkins does a Zoom Q&A with Joss Whedon on the topic of "Islam and feminism."
An iridescent fishwife glides into oblivion.
A spatula collector boasts of an 'ersatz Angel Delight' he has created.
A gerontophile belches stale reambreath over a covid nurse before wheezing a horrid catarrh laugh.
Joe Swash is selected as the Lib Dem candidate for Lewisham East.
Tonight Matthew, I am going to be R. Budd Dwyer.
John Challis washes up in a Bulgarian car park covered in what I can only describe as 'pilchards'.
Your only birthday present is a cardigan woven from clogged hairs pulled out of Richard Keys' shower drain. Wear it and dance for me, you twat.
The girl you fancied for ages has gone upstairs with your best mate. You console yourself by listening to Be Here Now downstairs.
The new chair of Ofcom Paul Dacre redecorates his office with wallpaper illustrating the function of the caste system.
The only thing more banal than the concept of "Open Federalism" is your essay on it.
The executor of your will deliberately ignores your request that there's no fish paste sandwiches at your wake.
Quote from: drummersaredeaf on February 17, 2021, 11:36:54 AM
The executor of your will deliberately ignores your request that there's no fish paste sandwiches at your wake.
The executor also ignores your request for an open casket display as a closed casket makes a handy table for plates of fish paste sandwiches.
It's milt day and you forgot to leave the empty bottles for the miltman on his rounds.
According to the letter from Matt Hancock, your imminent burial is just a precaution.
Marrying a horsehair crab by mistake.
Your anus receives a spate of bad reviews on Swansea bus station toilet doors, prompting a new diet.
- Pisces.
A sad idiot in a cold meadow
"bitch I'm not paying you to think! MORE TADPOLES!"
hours. tinkering. garage. new substance. 'phlegma'. bus. patent office (in head).
the proper, nice old-fashioned VR that you used to get
Garry Kasparov is stuck trying to explain 'en passant' to a busload of human dung on a coach trip to go look at some rocks near Builth Wells.
Hold my rape uniform, barks a beleagured Clive Myrie at a drowning concierge.
Alvin Stardust watches The Rockford Files and pours mayonnaise over a woman's tits.
a failed rocker comes to the conclusion that it's a pretty decent business after all
After a tragic explosion at the belm museum, the council dedicates the National Chode Garden in your memory.
Lembit Öpik logs into his anonymous troll Twitter account to settle some scores.
real life Happy Birthday To Me desolation.
my Dad sent me an animated musical 'jazzy birthday' ecard on the wrong day
and he's threatening to come and see me 'soon'
eta: he seems to be using his wife's email and they seem to be not using their married surname
could be worse, just browsed the ecard site (who the fuck (except my dad) is still impressed by ecards in 2021?) -
he could've sent me Jacquie Lawson's evil Birthday clown dog
(https://i.imgur.com/Wet6z2e.png)
I think I've just found Han's nemesis.
so yeah, happy birthday to me.
(edit glitch?)
Sting has tantric sex with a frog in a rain forest.
Quote from: jenna appleseed on February 22, 2021, 12:14:55 AM
real life Happy Birthday To Me desolation.
my Dad sent me an animated musical 'jazzy birthday' ecard on the wrong day
and he's threatening to come and see me 'soon'
eta: he seems to be using his wife's email and they seem to be not using their married surname
could be worse, just browsed the ecard site (who the fuck (except my dad) is still impressed by ecards in 2021?) -
he could've sent me Jacquie Lawson's evil Birthday clown dog
(https://i.imgur.com/Wet6z2e.png)
I think I've just found Han's nemesis.
Because we were locked down in separate countries, my mum sent me two ecards for my thirtieth birthday: a birthday one and a very disturbing one of sheep dressed in green doing a jig, because I live in Ireland. I found the experience genuinely upsetting, to the extent that I've subsequently had to talk about it with a therapist.
Your attempt to terraform a lizard tank results in devastating genital injuries.
Bought a welding hood off ebay because you thought it'd make you look sexy but then left it in a booth at Burger King after your wife's funeral.
A frigid coxswain files reports about her 'rotten gallops' to the coastguard.
Margaret Attwood submits Trollope's Barchester Towers to the publisher having simply put her own name on the front.
Firstborn child named after Toadfish from Neighbours.
Your last memory is of your Australian uncle screaming "GET A SNAG DOWN YOUR POM GULLET, YOU WOOFTER" at a family barbecue when you were seven.
a cosy chat show goads Richard Ayoade into doing the rap from One Track Lover
A 15 year inquiry into the Aberfan disaster concludes that, despite not being alive at the time, it was all your fault.
Richard Dawkins, talking to himself about Muslims on a cold bench in Bournemouth.
John Terry cuts the ribbon on your dog grave
Richard Dawkins uses the irrefutable proof of inevitable oblivion to depress a busker on Oxford Street.
An obese pug pees in a depressed busker's coin hat.
John Cleese describes the removal of the golly as the Robertson's mascot as "PC gone mad. I mean I know they got rid of him years ago, but still. It's PC gone mad and it's just one the many reason's I don't live in Britain anymore but on some balmy, luxury island that so resembles the England I remember."
An ineffectual dreamer finally gets his chance to play the Dane. Sadly, that Dane is Sandi Toksvig.
Mr Motivator lets all your fan letters pile up on his desk over years, then wipes his shitty arse with them
Now it's lambing season The taxi service solely for bestialists is advertising for drivers again.
Your ascendancy to Jarl of Scunthorpe is impeded by the presence of a drunk wasp at the official rending ceremony.
"Tonight Matthew, I'm going down the pub". everyone howling. not even a setup or feed. howling
You advertise your children on a rusty gate.
You can here the neighbours having a big, sexy garden party next door while you spend the afternoon breaking up and trying to flush a huge dump.
Barry of Solihull becomes untethered from its moorings and starts terrorising Birmingham Airport with vast canvas attacks.
Bald Dirkey, from the adjacent cell to yours, tells you there's a way out of Huddersfield AIDS Prison. A way out, you ask? Yes, a way out.
You pick up your fingers from the bunkside table and lick your appendage stumps fit in preparation for the escape.
'The tunnelling begins in your arsehole'
Thomas the Clunge Tank begins his journey from Belmsville to Fuck Off Island
An erectile family goes fucking beserk on a Nottingham estate after one too many jokes about them being dysfunctional.
Your dad calls you a cuck during a family argument about cinema veritie
Tim Henman and Greg Rusedski team up to "get" you in the shallow end of Wisbech Public Baths.
You are tasked with writing the wikipedia page for Wisbech and by god did you make a hash of it.
Virat Kohli cover drives you for 4
"Radish time..." croaks your mother, as they switch her off.
Stalked by a twilight huffghast while trying to find a torch to inspect micro-lesions on your foreskin
You discover a man naked rubbing himself against a forest branch.
John requests to put a mask on to protect himself from covid during being mugged. The muggers agree and the mugging takes place.
Your terminal son is cheating on you with Peter Hitchens.
Your reflection refuses to meet your gaze during a candlelit mirror wank.
QuoteYour terminal son is cheating on you with Peter Hitchens.
Love it. Not a word wasted.
On closer inspection, all of the silvery bits on a Pearly King's jacket are actually just cum.
A fecund squirrel lobs a large acorn at a rare deer and knocks it into the back of beyond.
Neil Warnock leaves a jam sandwich out "for any passing tramps."
A Keith Harris and Orville tribute act fails to hit the mark at a dull garden party in Penzance, 1998.
Your knob turns into Michael Keaton overnight. If you have a knob, bit male-centric that.
Local tramps pool resources to make a jam sandwich for Neil Warnock, which they leave directly on his front step. He wolfs it down en route to have his knee crystals zapped.
Your ponytailed middle aged dad is in a band with his bald mates called Bitch Charisma, and they have a song called "You Know You Love It, You Slags"
You are barred for life from Grimethorpe Miner's Welfare after a DNA test shows traces of ancestry from nearby Shafton.
Quote from: Pingers on March 04, 2021, 12:26:47 PM
On closer inspection, all of the silvery bits on a Pearly King's jacket are actually just cum.
Nice
Your rehabilitation centre for distressed whelks is firebombed again.
Mick Hucknell slides down a drain sluice and ends up in Coventry.
Your game of "Guess the Gibbon: Skeleton Edition" goes awry when a debate about an ulna turns into a lethal children's fistfight.
Janice gets turd paralysis.
Richard Dawkins is asked to design an afterlife we can all enjoy.
It's basically a small business supplies shop on an industrial estate.
Men reward women with a 2nd day, for their hard work
A man from Staffordshire becomes so depressed he starts a relationship with a plover.
a birthday card saying
SEX
now I've got your attention
Your ghostwriter keeps calling you a cunt and says the facts of your existence are 'nothing, fuck off'.
Quote from: petrilTanaka on March 08, 2021, 06:13:41 PM
a birthday card saying
SEX
now I've got your attention
"Happy 36th birthday!"
You turned 34, three weeks ago.
(https://cdn-a.william-reed.com/var/wrbm_gb_food_pharma/storage/images/media/images/news-photogalleries/670176/richmond-launches-new-frozen-ready-meals/11742012-1-eng-GB/Richmond-launches-new-Frozen-Ready-Meals.png)
^ for the Euphoria thread, surely?
Nigel Havers throws a glass of sherry in the face of a banker in Knightsbridge.
Your octopus Pol Pot registers an account for you on Stormfront, just to be an arsehole, only to discover you already have several.
An overweight wiccan chases a steak and bake down an alley in Thurso.
Your donation to World Kidney Day is outed by QAnon as 'nonce money'.
You wake up to find your spouse has been replaced by a Ronald McDonald statue.
The Calibri font family issues a press release describing you and Eamonn Holmes as "cut-price wankers, scum"
A defeated signage salesman chokes on a pastie outside a sparesly cliented Weymouth amusements.
Your mum's been writing love letters to Ian Brady again, burning them so he can read them 'in heaven'. Despite your best efforts, she's pushing ahead with wedding plans.
Quote from: Shoulders?-Stomach! on March 11, 2021, 01:15:56 PM
Your donation to World Kidney Day is outed by QAnon as 'nonce money'.
+1.
The world of pothole repair is suddenly so much clearer after 3 hours of hectoring by Bolg the Inductor (Guernsey Council).
Colin's rolling pin collection perishes in a treehouse fire.
Exhausted, one's left eye drifts into an alternative universe of frightening horrors. One's right eye remains in this universe of frightening horrors.
Documented on Instagram: the 7 days it took your toddler to stamp a frog to death.
Canal burials now available. Vocal opponents of 'submergences' are first up against the wall, then, ironically, into the water.
Fray Bentos forehead tattoo
A man named Pop blows himself.
Quote from: TrenterPercenter on March 08, 2021, 10:36:07 PM
(https://cdn-a.william-reed.com/var/wrbm_gb_food_pharma/storage/images/media/images/news-photogalleries/670176/richmond-launches-new-frozen-ready-meals/11742012-1-eng-GB/Richmond-launches-new-Frozen-Ready-Meals.png)
On my crappy laptop and with the image shrunk, it looked like the cursive print said
QuoteDer oven Irish recipe
Which seemed a bit racist.
Lab grown Fray Bentos
Your cancer operation is postponed again, due to 'malaise'
Number of Graham Linehan threads reaches triple digits.
Godzilla swallows your wedding ring, and his gut transit time is extraordinarily slow considering the amount of porpoises he eats.
You figure out how to get comic sans in a forum post.
Gregg Wallace is caught "greasin' 'imself up... naked!" by a local nerk in a bush in Chigwell.
Alien Ant Farm are back by popular demand
Stale custard creams are 'dinner' for the third day in a row because you are "too depressed" to cook. Come on mate, pull y'socks up. You're a grown man.
Planting cocaine in your garden turns out to be abortive.
Your tract contents are described as 'the pinnacle of sauce' by some French.
Your cancer operation is postponed again, due to 'Malays'.
After trawling through condolences cards for personal insight into a deceased woodworm expert, the vicar is forced to choose between 'stank of shit' and 'not someone I'd desire frequent contact with' as eulogy material.
You flesh out a racist lyric 'It's easy to speak Pekinese' into a 6 hour space opera because you misheard a takeaway owner refer to you as 'chattal'.
You Google happy animals and end up viewing extreme porn. Another month of guilt and depression.
Aced your new job interview BUT it's in a ditch, in an Aberdeen, in a hollowed-out turd spore on Fred West's face, in a forgotten Bovril tin clattering on a ghast tractor's exhaust—stuck half-way down the ghoul pipe—on a plank of timber washed onto a beach gnarled with sewage. The boss man is called KATO PAC and the whole place fucking STINKS of prawns.
Your best mate Bendy the Ruler calls in a long standing debt.
A warm can of Guinness causes ructions in the arse region.
A My Little Pony tries desperately to look the other way.
Comedian Kevin Day gets angry with a broken DVD player.
Classic Classified Football Results
You wake up in Scarborough covered in dog vomit.
Quote from: Glebe on March 19, 2021, 08:33:35 AM
You wake up in Scarborough covered in dog vomit.
At least things are looking up
The chemical affecting the senses most at the Daniel O'Donell mosh pit is something other than ammonia, the purists are irked.
Mike Read enjoys a Grange Hill VHS binge watch in his bedsit in Furness.
The biblical mouse plague of Eastern Australia claims another victim. A biblical mouse.
The inventor of child safety locks is entombed in a sandpit, but no matter how hard he pinches and twists the sand, he can't get free.
Arnold of Suffolk masturbates himself naked down.the high street while neighbours make comments like "I always knew there was something about Arnie."
You are spurned from a multi-faith prayer room because 'no one recognises the Church of Power-Wanking'.
You go to a rave and someone tells you you've come last. You don't fully understand what a rave is so get upset.
A sun-downing parakeet.
Polly literally just had crackers.
A man making a dead dog puppet dance to Blurred Lines wins Bridgwater's Got Talent, 2021.
Gerry Adams brings out Easter eggs.
Your last words are "Asparagus, by Chedney Honks..."
The jokes thread on a comedy forum struggles to fill 11pages after two years.
Graham Norton gets bored and kills a guest.
Johnny Ball tells some pork belly that "it's OVER".
An out of shape bingo caller hogs a carousell seahorse.
A farmer puts his scarecrow reading a copy of The Telegraph from 2011.
(https://i.imgur.com/3HHgMxR_d.webp?maxwidth=640&shape=thumb&fidelity=medium)
Christ thought that had to be a mock up
Quote from: Cuellar on March 24, 2021, 09:15:54 PM
Christ thought that had to be a mock up
Yeah the absolute state of it.
https://mobile.twitter.com/eddiemarsan/status/1373242851677634563
400 piece Will Carling jigsaw, lurking in a hospice cupboard.
Pete Wylie gets addicted to the Sun puzzle page.
a telephoto lens is left in the fridge
Cold haddock on a windy day in a shite village.
Quote from: Chicory on March 25, 2021, 04:19:53 PM
Pete Wylie gets addicted to the Sun puzzle page.
That explains why he never sent me the copy of Pete Sounds I ordered off him a year ago just before the first lockdown.
(real life Wylie purchasing deso)
I kinda suspected the site was old/abandoned and I'd probably never get the cd when I ordered it, + felt he probably deserved to finally get some money off me seeing all the Pete/Wah stuff I've owned &
really liked was either second hand/free/taped off the radio. Torn between thinking viewing it as a kind of Pete tax - I mean he probably needs the money. ands 'Where my fucking cd Pete?' Could've got a refund from paypal but too late now. ah well.
Tbh I'm just amazed he finally managed to actually finish and release it (even if only briefly via pledgemusic),
fuck actually hearing it. (it's probably a bit shit anyway, innit. eta: I probably could just torrent the bloody thing but is it really worth the eletricity?)
----
Real life Radio 2 listeners wives doing HSart threads out of a job desolation - just heard
zoe Ball Sara Cox claim a listener emailed in saying:
"My wife talks in her sleep because of medication
I once heard her singing the whole of Orville's Song with added swearing."
I'm now imaging Orville going 'I wish I could fucking fly, but I fucking can't'. and it's so hilariously shit and grim and probably already been done somewhere on cab, it's great.
(eta: I'm slightly too young to actually remember Orville's song (just about still remember watching the actual show) but think I've heard bits via a terrible songs compilation show &/or youtube and mostly repressed the horror - very sickly and twee I think.)
Grumpy nonce shouting at it's dog.
Daffyd's painstakingly recreated scale model of Belsen is destroyed in a scale model of an air raid, to the haunting sounds of the pan pipes.
Your abuser installs bright new #Livelaughlove ornaments in the front room.
Greg of Dumfries collects yogurt pot lids. He has also murdered 28 people.
A completely unqualified man drifts into becoming a bursar.
A suicidal quantity surveyor finally gets the help he needs... from Dignitas.
Note to self: re: speed dating. Swollen prostate = BAD icebreaker.
A belm pilot crash lands inside Barry's duodenum.
A warning sign next to a railway crossing reads "PHONE DAZ"
Your dad joins a hip-hop crew and insists everyone refer to him as 'the assmaster'.
Your step dad fucks cod fillets in a chest freezer.
The Bargain Hunt Christmas special sends the contestants to sniff out the best deals in human trafficking.
The cat's done a miscarriage in your mum's dogging helmet.
Avid Merrion takes your Dad for a karaoke of Ali G's Me Julie on the death tier lung ward.
Kier Starmer beats you in yet another round of words with friends. He reminds you that despite the title, you have no friends.
Tim Henman does a poo on Andy Murray's doorstep.
Thirsk's equivalent of the droogs from A Clockwork Orange go for their first night out for a bit of the auld debauchery, but get stuck in a mire near The World of James Herriot and need rescuing by a local.
Quote from: dex on April 01, 2021, 01:46:09 PM
Kier Starmer beats you in yet another round of words with friends. He reminds you that despite the title, you have no friends.
The coldness..
Cold broth on a shite Tuesday.
Your Easter Egg: a Tesco scotch egg smeared with Nutella.
Weeping uncontrollably, Christopher Lillicrap spends Easter smashing a patio with a hammer.
Peter Hitchens hurls a lamb's head through your kitchen window.
Former Blue Peter presenter Mark Curry does a really bad sketch of Grouty from Porridge and fucks it in the bin.
Weevils are named 'The Best Thing' in a Reader's Digest poll.
A pathetic and stupid old man smirks at your genital cluster
Prostate massage in a bin
A Nick Cave & The Bad Seeds fan struggles to buy back his fully autographed John Smiths beer mat after finding out it wasn't that Warren Ellis.
Piotr sends a thank you card to 'the turd burglar that did my skin graft', filled with a competing but equal mixture of gratitude and bigotry.
Armin van Helden completes 'all the levels of the Game Boy' from his carrion plinth at the End of Life Care Home in Grange over Sands.
Callipers used largely for measuring derelicts on a biowaste ward become the centre of a whimsical feature film starring a really clever monkey.
KFC's new CEO announces a 'celebratory return to our overtly paternalistic, racist, megapolluting origins'
Genghis' torpor goes into belm overload as he passes a really quite prosaic alignment of rocks.
Cantine slop described as 'mung-level', 'AIDS OUROBOROS', 'holocaust confirming', 'post-necromancy', 'everything I didn't want forever' and 'cack tuck' was all made by your mum, the one you call mummy, she did it all, and is responsible, and the press are here, they are asking why, they are asking where she is, they are asking you to justify this, come on then..
Your knee pus is deployed as a binding agent for telegraph pole repairs in Benin, and 'they'll be back on Tuesday to get more of it'.
"Do you want to come back to my place and look at my extensive Mini Eggs wrapper collection?"
Shoulders, those last two were particularly excellent.
car poo wth Robert Llewellyn
A Pueblo clown spends their life savings to fund a trip to Stoke Newington to observe first hand some 90s comedians in their native environment.
Quote from: touchingcloth on April 04, 2021, 03:06:22 PM
A Pueblo clown spends their life savings to fund a trip to Stoke Newington to observe first hand some 90s comedians in their native environment.
Brilliant.
Richard Dawkins describes happiness as "supernatural nonsense".
Prostate massage in an abandoned whelk farm
Frank Spencer tribute goes a bomb at a gammon club in Wensleydale.
Quote from: Utterdrivel on April 06, 2021, 10:50:55 AM
Prostate massage in an abandoned whelk farm
Prostate massage at a newly consecrated whelk farm.
Recordings emerge of Matt Hancock discussing Belly Mujinga and how he will 'crush her in the Octagon'.
Squiggins the hamster passes on to the afterlife. In memoriam, its owner Keith faxes individual sheets of pink printer paper that gradually spell out 'Thank you pet and goodbye' to the back office castastroplegic at Bicester Rymans, who doesn't know Keith nor Pet.
'Wouldn't it be more appropriate to say a few words directly?'
'No that would be wholly inappropriate', Keith replies.
the semi final of a cup less important than the league cup
You transition to become black purely to prove racism doesn't exist
Hounded by the Dignitas marketing algorithm.
Now on Babestation, in a change from our regular programming, here's Grinding With Arthur Mallard.
Richard Dawkins harangues a broken shaman outside a Glastonbury woo parlour.
Frozen pizza in the oven, will be done in 28 minutes, most excitement since January.
Ollie from Oldham spends four years studying the natterjack toad.
A coxswain is fucked into smithereens by a series of storks
A cock-up in the Mastermind office means you're answering questions on Birds of a Feather 2014-2017. Next round is Sri Lankan test cricket.
Dusty old Craig of Mendip enjoys a Boon VHS binge.
Sarah Kennedy spews a splashy jet of Rioja all over her lap at the sight of fairness on a mild ITV police procedural.
Terry who can only get hard by huffing pva glue during circuit breaker lockdowns petitions his MP who tells him to visit his GP who tells him to fuck off and die
Royston Kettleworth hangs around street corners in his hometown of Holmfirth waiting to "spit at a burka."
The good people of Beccles vote to become genderfluid, to the irritation of the 24% who don't want to.
Steve Davis is fired from snooker and ends up working in a dildo manufacturing plant.
Why is it that the queen is allowed to own all the wild living white swans on English and Welsh rivers, lakes and canals yet somehow doesn't own the wild living black swans of our waterways - it's political correctness gone mad I tell you, mad. Also, why don't the Islam's give up Muslims for Lent, they don't want to integrate.
Quote from: derek stitt on April 13, 2021, 04:09:07 AM
Why is it that the queen is allowed to own all the wild living white swans on English and Welsh rivers, lakes and canals yet somehow doesn't own the wild living black swans of our waterways - it's political correctness gone mad I tell you, mad. Also, why don't the Islam's give up Muslims for Lent, they don't want to integrate.
The new prime minister's first speech from the Downing Street lectern is widely acknowledged as a triumph of oration.
Bert of Hove slides inexorably into a mediocrity swamp.
Your new title 'Gerald of Pus' fails to impress three girls at a bus stop.
The council ask why you are self harming yourself in the balls. You have no idea.
None of them, not a single member of your extended family wish to see your kids: 'cos they are belsen'.
At the vertex of your masturbatory excelsis, the anal creampie pullback reveals none other than DJ Tiësto and your mother executing some sort of rancid transaction.
On his deathbed, your 90 year old dad announces he "can't wait" for his first Hellwank.
A vicar bursts a bum grape with a spire-dildo, leaves negative feedback on EBay.
Your 2* tripadvisor rating of your mum's vagina is flagged as helpful by your dad.
Meanwhile your Dad's cock is misattributed on TripAdvisor as the location of 'The Buttress' described as 'a very steep climb indeed, but worth it for the views'.
Michael Heseltine "throws shade" at John Craven.
Your cock explodes after sealing your meatus with UniBond in a B&Q car park.
Meredith of St. Ives knits a doll out of old men's hair trimmings.
Greggs dregs.
Nick Clegg's Greggs dregs clog the bog.
A dirty handprint on a child's skull.
"Its wonky neck confirms the random meaninglessness of Darwinian evolution!" cries Richard Dawkins, tossing a dissected giraffe into the midst of a load of toddlers.
114 dead after minivan containing Suede tribute act ploughs into orphanage.
Stuart Maconie rage quits Manic Miner and chucks his 14" B&W Sanyo into the neighbours' flower bed in frustration.
In order to continue playing Doom after my monitor blew up, in a rage I bought the only thing in Lasky's that had VGA & sound input - a 14" Sanyo. For £350.
Your middle name Pustule begins to irk so you change this to Pustulation.
Post-pandemic, there is a gathering of some Jeremy Clarkson fans. They all have their hilarious Clarkson masks on and do a group photo together on the steps of the stately home near Cheddar Gorge where the meeting has been arranged. Then they all split up awkwardly, some suggesting going to the pub for a pint and a chat about cars and others just going home. You notice an absolutely rotten fart smell lingering before you leave on you own.
You are good at painting and get into Warhammer, well into Warhammer actually, your life revolves around it, but no wait, you have just painted 32,000 penis specimens, why have you done that then..
Your grief Councillor tricks you into thinking there's a duck called an R-Tard
A swollen swan swivels succinctly and thwacks you with it's thwing.
Fermented pigs holes don't sound that tempting but apparently it's delicacy in bumthorpes so you tuck in.
You blink at the sun, it seems to have gone all wrong, sure it's not meant to be purple. The sun grins at you and winks as your synapses fry and all your marbles spill out.
Quote from: Foggy Buntwhistle on April 17, 2021, 10:36:51 AMA swollen swan swivels succinctly and thwacks you with it's thwing.
Heh!
Yer da starts making memes:
(https://www.dogsonacid.com/attachments/eziuvfuwgaumsfo-format-jpg-name-large-jpg.204717/)
When the pandemic ends you celebrate by going to see a middle-age cabaret band perform the hits of Fleetwood Mac in a motel bar in Gloucester. The pints are warm and the food is made of something like chalk.
Raymond of Hounslow has a massive nervous breakdown and throws out his entire collection of 20,000 ice lolly wrappers. He does get better after that, but it was a moment of desolation, I can tell you!
Brian Conley's new stalker spends five days camped outside Bradley Walsh's house, having followed the wrong man home from An Audience With Shane Richie.
Your unshaven daughter is the spit of Barry McGuigan, you complain to a bored prison psychologist.
1986: A passing Collin Welland guffs on your picnic.
Pete of Glencoe gets a massive erection in the dentist's chair. Even the receptionist can see it through the open door.
"Never meet your heroes." Tweets Malcolm, on the coach back from Minipopscon 2019
A bee is choppes for making golden syrup.
Skem scum skim scammed scones
Last of the Summer Wine cosplay.
Quote from: Glebe on April 22, 2021, 10:10:55 AM
Last of the Summer Wine cosplay.
...ends in disaster as a pound-shop Compo's bathtub whizzes down the hill and merges onto the southbound lane of the M42.
They arrive to find you sprawled on blueprints. "I'm plotting my farts!" you shriek.
You envy Stig of the Dump and call him 'one of the detached woke metropolitan elite who knows nothing about the real world'.
You daughter 'Arsenal Gaycum' (your choice not hers) runs over your leg in your stalker's jeep.
A minor Reginald stuffs its face with whole wheat until his face turns mardy.
You get an uncooked Charlie Bingham's AIDS Banquet in the face.
Captain Tom Funko Pops.
An Angela Merkel lookalike contest ends tragically when one of the judges murders one Merkel with a bratwurst.
Pubes Daz gets promoted to assistant manager of a garden centre after his decision to sell tits poking out of gravel goes down a storm with the public.
A budget variety show is cancelled at ITV in 1964, and "up an coming star" Tiggey Hawkins goes alcohol mental and enters oblivion.
A GP born after the 'You Know When You've Been Tangoed' adverts peers at your painful testicles and says "no can do, chief"
A day's orienteering around a grim precinct.
A Jimmy Carr like, shit-bellow of a laugh caused by a series of Jokes on a Jim Davidson VHS.
Harold of Cheshire is a "fan of rats".
A racial supremacist organises a stamp collecting convention in Skegness.
A 55 year old man unmutes himself in Zoom so he can type loudly into the chat.
France turns into a giant kumquat and is declared a 'no-Clegg' zone, that's Peter Sallis' character Captain Clegg from vintage drama The Last Dregs of the Summertime Wine. Anyone who is Clegg who is attempting to enter the kumqaut will be shot on sight. "More news as it progresses," mumbled Jon Snow this afternoon.
Pato Banton is having a bath in your house when you come in from work. He leaves a pile of pubes in the plughole.
Andre Rieu and his orchestra oompahing their way through all the favourites (live!) provides the soundtrack to your march to the death camp
Rancid cabbage is all I can offer for your post-covid 'victory dinner'.
Pete Waterman fires an assistant for bringing him a gone-off bottle of Benecol.
A washing machine in a carpeted kitchen.
A home made beef burger served between 2 slices of white bread.
Recycled prison toilet paper Rizlas.
Quote from: FerriswheelBueller on April 28, 2021, 05:29:53 PM
A home made beef burger served between 2 slices of white bread.
Euphoria, surely?
Quote from: seepage on April 28, 2021, 07:45:53 PM
Euphoria, surely?
Reveal: the 'home made' beef burger is actually another slice of bread folded in half
Quote from: Glebe on April 28, 2021, 05:40:39 PM
Recycled prison toilet paper Rizlas.
The toilet paper from the recycled prison belongs to me?
Quote from: Rizla on April 29, 2021, 12:10:58 AMThe toilet paper from the recycled prison belongs to me?
YES!
A massive stroke grants you the speech patterns of Robert Peston.
Your guide to Secret Northampton wins an award and several institutional investors say they are interested.
Your zero salt stock cubes are branded 'vile' by tasters Jeremy Spake and Monique.
Protestations that you know martial arts don't prevent you being cunted by a 12 year old armed with some rusty bike handlebars.
Wetherspoons reopens and is named Restaurant of the Year.
Your alter ego, a fleabitten ne'erdowell called Dogdon who gets special things called 'hard-ons' near flightless birds is now so close to your actual personality and existence that people are beginning to wonder where the character starts and the real man ends.
Dogden, heh!
An unemployed man stays in his bedroom to work on a Maximo Park / Linkin Park mashup.
Quote from: FerriswheelBueller on April 30, 2021, 10:07:18 PM
An unemployed man stays in his bedroom to work on a Maximo Park / Linkin Park mashup.
It turns out to be your dad.
A child in Macclesfield is named Dogden of the Year.
Quote from: Glebe on May 01, 2021, 10:11:40 AM
A child in Macclesfield is named Dogden of the Year.
Laughed
Dogd
on though. V important.
(https://pbs.twimg.com/media/E0UFfCUXIAIUyBe?format=jpg&name=small)
^What's the equivalent in cows, though?
Jimmy Carr continues forever, hooting and boring you on endless gameshows. And Russell Howard, Greg Davies etc.
An man named Oberon lives next door an cuts his toenails loudly of an evenin'!
Violently degloved seven minutes into cuntbeak-sitting a turbulent cockatoo.
Peterborough is blighted by the worst fart smell in existence.
A miniature Nick Ross is discovered inside a crushed pangolin.
David Platt kills his neighbour and buries him in a windsock.
The Witan votes that you, loyal medicine man and soothsayer be rechristened 'Druid McDruidface', a decision binding until the next folkmoot, scheduled for never.
The Board of Deputies convene to denounce your expression at a Bar Mitzvah in 2008 as 'sullen'.
You're not even good enough to move to Stevenage
Quote from: Cuellar on May 05, 2021, 02:58:25 PM
You're not even good enough to move to Stevenage
ouch!
2 reduced battered cans of Diamond White in the Patchway Spa in Bristol. Been there 6 months with no takers...
Your dad volunteers to replace your broken alarm clock.
You eagerly take him up on his kind offer but regret it once you realise it means your dad punches you in the head every morning at 7 am shouting "WAKE UP YOU LAZY BASTARD!"
Administrative confusion leads to a barrel of Reggae Reggae sauce hosting Saturday Night Live.
Tizzie Bumpkins reopens her Dorset salon at last, but the smell of rotten ammonia is unbearable, my love!
The unexplained assets crime force come round to ask where you got your tooth from.
A train door refuses to open until you 'repent'.
You truly believe that Nokia N-Gage are throwing a pool party 'in your honour'.
Missing out on a long straight in a game of Yahtzee is the reason you can't see your kids any more.
A mouthful of burnt hazelnuts is the best your going to get for afters this evening.
You have an arse age of eighty and a cock age of two.
The scope of your piles disqualifies you from the single occupancy council tax discount.
Your DIY colostomy kit arrives with Hungarian instructions and missing a clamp.
I laughed
Quote from: Glebe on April 26, 2021, 04:55:16 PM
France turns into a giant kumquat and is declared a 'no-Clegg' zone, that's Peter Sallis' character Captain Clegg from vintage drama The Last Dregs of the Summertime Wine. Anyone who is Clegg who is attempting to enter the kumqaut will be shot on sight. "More news as it progresses," mumbled Jon Snow this afternoon.
Nick Clegg is accidentally shot while atempting to buy a Kumquat in Lidl.
Quote from: jenna appleseed on May 07, 2021, 01:52:11 AM
Nick Clegg is accidentally shot while atempting to buy a Kumquat in Lidl.
A nearby Farage smiles and says "I told you so."
Angelina Jolie throws Jamie Redknapp into a canal in Oldham.
Matt Baker is attacked by a rabid langoustine near Coventry.
It's a Tuesday night in 2002 and you're in a nightclub, and everyone's copping off and you're just sat there in the middle of it all holding a warm Smirnoff Ice.
You are passed fit to drive after telling an acorn your dog is Wednesday
In your head your toilet changes room every 5 seconds, and you dash around the maundy remnants of your flat like piss pacman.
The BNP win the 2098 local elections by a landslide with their slogan "fuck off back to Venus you gaseous cunts".
Off to the new DFS hyperstore to pick out a deathbed.
Your children are denied school places on account of them being fashioned out of your own turds. You complain to the council in big letters, writing the missive with smears taken from your children's heads. The council respond by sending round social services to flush your children down your own toilet.
Your wake is held at an Ember Inns.
A grim Tuesday brings with it icy weather, bad moods and the distinct aroma of fresh excrement!
Blind drunk while celebrating coming first in a Rod Liddle lookalike contest, your wife topples over your dialysis machine. Happy Birthday!
The teenager scanning your flowers at the co-op refers to you as 'down bad'.
Wig malfunction kills four.
As a result of the government's free speech initiatives, you find it much easier to get your research on rat gaping peer-reviewed.
You are expelled from Scientists4EU after an ill advised cum tribute to Carole Cadwalladr.
You lose all your pasty and bus money on new goblin crypto Golgcoin
Quote from: Shoulders?-Stomach! on May 10, 2021, 07:22:49 PM
You are expelled from Scientists4EU after an ill advised cum tribute to Carole Cadwalladr.
lol
Devlin of Staines lists his dating interests as 'loss'.
A middling David prepares himself for a career in finance and celebrates with a boiled egg.
While you enjoy a night on the town, a Gillette hired thug breaks in and absconds with your offbrand razors, leaving you hairy and ashamed.
A bunch of Fyffes go rotten in a mildewy Bramley Co-Op.
A close-to-retirement gazebo fitter aspires to becoming a hospice ghoul.
The discovery of an octopus in your boiler erodes your confidence in an underlying rational order.
A two week guava binge finishes off what was left of your teeth.
A greasy chip emporium gives arse looseness for a week.
Your parents present you with a DNR form on your 12th birthday.
A red kite keeps ripping people's eyes from their sockets somewhere near Dumfries and the RSPB are tasing anyone who tries to defend themselves.
all you can dream about these days is eating a beetroot salad
Only 4 people attend your Lard Festival in Thurrock
Quote from: batwings on May 06, 2021, 10:23:55 PM
You have an arse age of eighty and a cock age of two.
Have we met?
Mike of Derby enjoys warm Strongbow and is obsessed with darts, by his own admission, "to a sexual degree."
Two men argue at 4 am in the hallway of a Northern Irish block of flats over a box of warm dog shit.
Quote from: Elderly Sumo Prophecy on May 13, 2021, 04:43:42 PM
Two men argue at 4 am in the hallway of a Northern Irish block of flats over a box of warm dog shit.
You are the person from the council that has to deal with it. It is your fourth time there this week.
After your toddler gets into your cache of pills, you confess to your friends that you are 'between children at the moment'.
Your tombola of corns and calluses is impounded by the local authority.
Ryvita is declared a delicacy in Hove.
Egg and Salad Cream sandwiches, exclusively @your M&S
...drools Dervla Kirwan
...on one of your bespoke deepfake edits
Reginald's mould obsession leads him to be sectioned.
A Peter Skellern tribute act tells people he's "in it for the pussy".
Grotbags impersonator, Penzance.
A hokey-cokey is so banal that no one turns around.
Sunday dindins, and we gnaw all the compacted stuff off our lips while Jesus screams in the corner.
Been twitching a lot since the brain-toad burst out of your skull. Wetly and flatly it flaps away. "You could've asked!?" you shout. flap. flop. hop. brain trail.
The peak of Golgotha and the bored armoured suit in charge says, "Sorry guys, actually, uhm, there's been a scheduling issue and the crucifixions will be tomorrow. If you could just... yeah. I mean thanks, thanks guys..."
Ian's Spice habit only amplifies the endless echo of Steve Penk's pleasure grunts rattling through his brain meat.
Ian Spice, of the abandoned Spice Boys pop group is discovered bagged and dessicated in a copse.
The Bread Reenactment Society, who recreate scenes from Carla Lane sitcom Bread, break up for good after a particularly bad performance in Bootle.
Quote from: batwings on May 06, 2021, 10:23:55 PM
You have an arse age of eighty and a cock age of two.
The scope of your piles disqualifies you from the single occupancy council tax discount.
Your DIY colostomy kit arrives with Hungarian instructions and missing a clamp.
Amazing salvo middle one espesh
Quote from: Glebe on May 12, 2021, 11:07:51 PM
Mike of Derby enjoys warm Strongbow and is obsessed with darts, by his own admission, "to a sexual degree."
Lovely phrasing
Quote from: PlanktonSideburns on May 16, 2021, 10:50:14 PMLovely phrasing
Cheers PS!
A man challenging his local post office to stop selling "them nuisance fidget spinners" describes it as a "David vs Goliath" battle in the village pamphlet.
You are so bunged up that they even call in the Royal Bungmaster, who arrives replete in ermine gown and livery collar polishing a dangerous looking brass implement and ordering his servants to begin the first step, a short ritual dance movement called 'The Hiss'.
As Kit Kat's #4 fan on Facebook for 15 years you win a Kit Kat
Jonathan Ross defecates into a McDonald's burger box during a lockdown-defying break in the South of France.
Dyson's Home Colonic Irrigation range is recalled, but not before 15 cases of 'inversion' at a purge party near Lyme Regis.
Your wife takes the "Kiss The Cook!" aprons in the divorce.
Miserable mopey Monday!
A Timmy Mallet completist suffers an epiphany.
"I'm a scientist, not a human being!" protests Richard Dawkins, after saying of a child that "it is weak and ineffectual, and should not have been made."
Quote from: Glebe on May 14, 2021, 01:10:48 AM
Ryvita is declared a delicacy in Hove.
Rylan is declared a delicacy in Hovel.
Quote from: Shoulders?-Stomach! on May 17, 2021, 07:35:56 PM
As Kit Kat's #4 fan on Facebook for 15 years you win a Kit Kat
Classic
Mick from Gloucester rubs his itchy arse crack against a door frame.
You take revenge on a wardrobe that bothered you in 2001
In his summing up, the judge declares you to be "An unmitigated nonce with the opinions of a halfwit and the face of a mother-strangler." Which is odd as you're sitting in the public gallery.
Richard Dawkins describes Greta Thunberg as "one of the snowflake people. She'll probably want to become a man next. Or a Muslim."
The Man in the Black trackies fled across the Covidian Wastes, and the Binslinger followed.
Quote from: bgmnts on May 20, 2021, 07:18:29 PMThe Man in the Black trackies fled across the Covidian Wastes, and the Binslinger followed.
"You have forgotten the face of your Binmen."
Bad news. It's locked-in syndrome but your only method of communication is now via frantic bumhole winking.
Paul Gambaccini is sitting naked in his hotel room, videoing himself interviewing himself. He is in the middle of explaining why Chris Evans "is the greatest TV personality' of all time" when the whole affair comes to an abrupt conclusion thanks to Gambaccini sharting himself, liquid bolognese splatting onto the duvet around him.
Finally getting to book a travelodge room for the night to have a really loud cry wank.
Former Ladbrokes CEO took delivery car from Perth kebab shop during 'moment of madness' (https://www.thecourier.co.uk/fp/news/local/perth-kinross/2245819/former-ladbrokes-boss-took-delivery-car-from-perth-kebab-shop-during-moment-of-madness/)
A Lerwick mayonnaise obsessive orgasms in a supermarket over a 50% extra Hellmann's offer.
"I'm alright, Jack!" laughs Richard Dawkins, at a man who is having a nervous breakdown.
Hologram of Captain Tom Moore opens the new corpse burning facility in Peterborough.
Jarvis of Exeter has the world's biggest fruit salad wrapper collection.
A child's drawing of Rag'n'Bone Man embarks on a Brighton coffee shop crawl. Shit everywhere.
Richard Dawkins tells a Cenobite to grow up.
You get reamed by a Jar Jar Binks figurine.
A man from Bolton farts and says "Nation's favourite." just as Corrie is beginning.
There is a missive left on your recent Grandad warning you to prepare to have your anal landscape reshaped.
To Stirling now, where some hysterical geese have ransacked y'neighbour's glans region.
QuoteTo Stirling now
I enjoyed this nice little change in presentation 👍
On the way to bet on woodlice, you shit yourself so comprehensively that a police escort is provided for an abnormal load.
Heh, v. good Twitty!
Quote from: Shoulders?-Stomach! on May 26, 2021, 10:16:01 PMI enjoyed this nice little change in presentation 👍
Thanks S!
Quote from: bgmnts on May 23, 2021, 02:30:04 PM
Hologram of Captain Tom Moore opens the new corpse burning facility in Peterborough.
bumming surely?
Kathy from accounts finds your profile on pisspigs dot com.
The final question on Teletext's Bamboozle is Why do you even bother? and you don't even get that right.
A celebration craft pale ale commemorating the annexation of Jerusalem is described as 'stunning' by a panel of Judges
An overweight molester invites you to his Dukes of Hazzard binge watch. "Plenty of lovely hard scones, mind me hands though, bit sweaty!"
⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️ "George Floyd The Musical is a triumph of satire over political correctness"—Daily Mail
^brilliant
A talentless Scatman John tribute act, Salford.
Your email is now hosted by Sports Direct.
Molly Ringwald is addicted to her phone
https://www.msn.com/en-gb/entertainment/celebrity/molly-ringwald-is-addicted-to-her-phone/ar-AAKulu6?li=AAnZ9Ug (https://www.msn.com/en-gb/entertainment/celebrity/molly-ringwald-is-addicted-to-her-phone/ar-AAKulu6?li=AAnZ9Ug)
Quote from: Mantle Retractor on May 28, 2021, 07:19:43 PMMolly Ringwald is addicted to her phone
https://www.msn.com/en-gb/entertainment/celebrity/molly-ringwald-is-addicted-to-her-phone/ar-AAKulu6?li=AAnZ9Ug (https://www.msn.com/en-gb/entertainment/celebrity/molly-ringwald-is-addicted-to-her-phone/ar-AAKulu6?li=AAnZ9Ug)
Emilio Estevez: I've been playing
Fortnight for 16 hours a day.
(https://i2-prod.mirror.co.uk/incoming/article24210474.ece/ALTERNATES/s615b/1_PAY-Kennedy-News-and-Media.jpg)
https://www.mirror.co.uk/news/weird-news/woman-creates-beige-british-tapas-24210427?utm_source=twitter.com&utm_medium=social&utm_campaign=sharebar
There is a man in Troon who goes by the name of Glenn Ballsack.
And he comes by the name of Goober Gaban
Quote from: Sebastian Cobb on May 29, 2021, 06:58:26 PM
(https://i2-prod.mirror.co.uk/incoming/article24210474.ece/ALTERNATES/s615b/1_PAY-Kennedy-News-and-Media.jpg)
https://www.mirror.co.uk/news/weird-news/woman-creates-beige-british-tapas-24210427?utm_source=twitter.com&utm_medium=social&utm_campaign=sharebar
The headline absolutely makes that. Brilliantly desolate.
Jess of Humberside gets his belly trapped in a turnstile.
Your agreed debt repayment plan is being administered by Legend Gary, who has been assigned your point of contact for all relevant correspondence.
Quote from: FerriswheelBueller on May 30, 2021, 12:14:11 PM
The headline absolutely makes that. Brilliantly desolate.
Twitter cropped out the 'British Tapas' sign which really adds to it imo.
Your party trick is convincing people you're a paedophile. How is this done? You turn up.
Going Sars mate gimme some fuckin Sars I wannae have Sars me full dose aye full Blown Sars back of a fucken caravan to your driving test invigilator.
A Keeping Up Appearaces fan club is dissolved after its founder is convicted of murdering over 20 people.
Your performance at work is described as 'really bad', your parenting is described by the council as 'really bad', your ratatouille is described as 'really bad', your breath is described as 'really bad', your financial state is described as 'parlous' (posh for 'really bad'), your dress sense is described as 'really bad' by a vagrant, your opinions are described by everyone as 'really bad', and you're in Warrington town centre dressed in potties purporting to be the replacement Cunt. You are placed in a van and moved.
After getting stuck in a lift with Neil Warnock for seven hours, John's instant suicide button invention is granted an enthusiastic patent.
30 year marriage binned due to a 'pervading atmosphere of wokeness'
(https://www.dogsonacid.com/attachments/vfkyb9gpvf271-png.209180/)
Rinsing a tube of antacid tablets as they are so tasty then having your next shit in the following calendar year.
Mouldy gristle f'suppa, all washed down with a nice pint of off-colour warm tap water!
If you're quick you can still make it!!
(https://i.imgur.com/98jyDwD.png)
Quote from: Sebastian Cobb on June 01, 2021, 07:53:27 PM
If you're quick you can still make it!!
(https://i.imgur.com/98jyDwD.png)
The art of political humour with Lobotomy and Stroke.
You lie about your box of hair loss treatment gels delivered to work by stating the contents are a Fleshlight and assorted botty tug peripherals.
Quote from: Shoulders?-Stomach! on June 02, 2021, 07:08:17 PM
You lie about your box of hair loss treatment gels delivered to work by stating the contents are a Fleshlight and assorted botty tug peripherals.
Nobody believes it because of the rumour that a cleaner spotted you loading a fleshlight into the dishwasher after hours.
Assorted used condoms decorate a layby close to Sheffield.
A Stephen Baldwin convention is cancelled indefinitely.
Micheal Gove downs a whole box of rennies next to an skip full of medical waste
Here we fucking go, he thinks
A Stockton-on-Tees nutter goes bananas for the Fruit-of-the-Loom brand.
Mick Hucknall has a forest mowed down in preparation for Hucknall Manor.
A 2037 woman finds herself struggling, unpaid, to market 'Heckin' Scrambled Eggos' as street food to posh bearded children half way through Boris Johnson's fourth landslide term.
An incubus in brown pyjamas calls in your stapler debt.
After another concerning day in the shit and piss departments, you audit your benzo rations in a layby.
A discarded anus lies dormant in a hedge.
Your diseased aunt makes a pass at you in the family bear pit.
Much against everyone's advice, Len takes his smoker's purple legs to a Petworth cured meat convention.
A shipping magnate buys Plumstead and turns it into a giant microwave.
You give yourself a hernia moving a trunk of old wank journals.
Coma-wife is seeing someone behind your back.
Quote from: Shoulders?-Stomach! on June 05, 2021, 09:01:24 PM
Your diseased aunt makes a pass at you in the family bear pit.
Yes.
"This is all make-believe, man up and do some bloody sums", Richard Dawkins shouts as he is escorted out of the library, leaving ripped copies of Middlemarch in his wake.
After eviscerating The Silver Chair to his satisfaction, Richard Dawkins selects a new red marker from his armchair's built-in supply and settles in for the evening with a jar of mincemeat and a copy of The Voyage of the Dawn Treader.
Quote from: FerriswheelBueller on June 07, 2021, 03:28:39 PMAfter eviscerating The Silver Chair to his satisfaction, Richard Dawkins selects a new red marker from his armchair's built-in supply and settles in for the evening with a jar of mincemeat and a copy of The Voyage of the Dawn Treader.
Heh!
Richard Dawkins interrupts a wedding to remind everyone that the euphoria of the day is "mere brain chemicals. Carry on."
Fellow bus travellers are unmoved as you shout 'I told you this would happen!' while you get belted up the arse by a St Bernard.
A thin gruel is served up to weary travellers at The Shite Fucked Hotel, Arbroath.
If it wasn't bad enough to have waited til 22 to lose his milk cock, now Runcey's wisdom cock is growing in at the wrong angle.
Your arse is too big for you, but they don't accept returns.
The doctors manage to get you resucitated and stable, but only to preserve your case of gout.
A dowdy greengrocer's wife stuffs numerous rotten carrots down a stinking disposal tube.
A spokesperson for the North Yorkshire Moors Railway said they were unable to provide any information.
Captain Phobias at last discovers he isn't afraid of K cider.
Your dad sends you a video titled 'dp in garage'
Reginald of Suffolk counts his collection of old Marathon bar wrappers again before having a long and unsatisfying wank.
You are employed in the Planning and Regeneration Service for Cornwall Council.
Your dentist tells you that your gums are receding from brushing too "angrily".
"Will it get worse?", you ask.
"Well it's certainly not going to get better, is it?", he sneers.
After hearing it referenced in colloquialisms for years, you discover that 'the wazoo' is actually a real and uniquely pleasurable secret orifice that everyone has except you.
A twisted Gregory manhandles a corncrake in a most indifferent manner.
Another case of life imitating (H.S.) Art as Jim Davidson publicly goes on record to say Gary Glitter should be allowed to start a new life outside prison:
https://t.co/8i056rm95E?amp=1
You regret forcing your pantry goblin to cosplay as Herod.
A portly deputy ticket office manager hands himself in for treason after failing to teach his stick insect to curtsy during Trooping The Colour.
Gerald of Coventry files for divorce when he discovers his wife is "not into Polo Mints like I am, me favourites!"
Bob Geldof goes to, Africa, Mali or whatever, and all of these starving seven year olds surround him and start calling him a Boomtown twat and telling him to give them his fucking money.
Sterile business supplies shop with a Victorian atmosphere on a grim industrial estate.
Your buttplug tells you that going up your arse is "degrading even for me".
Andy McNab garottes a neighbour who dares to call him rhododendrons "flaccid."
Your neighbours dog Isengard is drowned by some angry trees.
A doleful Donal eviscerates a sewer rat during a miserable stay in Prestatyn.
Your parentage is scrubbed off your birth certificate after VAR confirms your dad was offside.
After 25 years of meditation in the hills of Bhutan, a bodhisattva joins the DUP and pledges to defend the integrity of the United Kingdom's borders for "blood and soil".
Simon McCoy strangles a neighbour's chinchilla and blames it on his own son.
Euro 2040: the tournament gets off with a bang as Goran Pandev shins home to give North Macedonia a 1-0 win over Vatican City in the Farmfoods Arena, Abu Dhabi.
When I grow up Daddy I want to go and live in Rampton like you used to. Can you play the escape siren test on YouTube again before you turn off my bedroom light please.
Sheffield Wednesday.
You get cancelled on CaB.
Your dream job as a Ponce Analyst for Ocado ends in clinical depression and weight gain.
Your pillow-wife turns heads at the Harvest Festival.
DLT awakens with a screaming hangover in a cabin of a Norwegian fishing trawler. He is surrounded by empty gin bottles. The hairy cornflake is wearing a tuxedo but no trousers. Next to him in his berth is a dead seal in a wedding dress.
No no no. Not again.
You develop the inability to maintain an erection unless listening to One by Metallica. Your partner assures you that this is fine because it's "the best song".
"Nonsense!" you cry in response to the breeder's assertion that day-old chicks are notoriously difficult to sex, before plunging your tongue into the still yolky butt. Your damp lips crack a smile as you pull away and quietly, confidently, definitively announce "boy."
6 months later, Graham proudly lays his first egg.
A reaction gif of John Bishop becomes your best friend
Ramon Tikaram's Salt Bae is only released on VHS.
A discounted Tenga egg is faulty, Grimsby.
The ghost of Prince Phillip tells an orphan to "pull back the skin and wank it"
When you order a half of bitter, the barkeep calls you an 'absolute salad'
Terence McKenna sends your parrot an 'fmail'!?
Your ringtone is the stark scream of a chair being angrily drawn across a cold kitchen floor by an uncle horrified with the state of the Sunday parsnips.
A man in a suit on a train eating a banana gives an uncertain thumbs up to a group of kids who are laughing at him.
To achieve spiritual liberation in the next life you have to emulate Noel Edmunds in this one.
Richard Madeley finishes all over your back.
Quote from: touchingcloth on June 18, 2021, 11:56:28 AM
Richard Madeley finishes all over your back.
And guffawingly jeers, 'old joke - don't finish on Debussy, finish on de Bach! Do you like classical music?'
The shine is taken off your excellent showing in the family's Christmas game of Trivial Pursuits as your niece and nephew keep calling you "Encyclo-Paed"
Richard Madeley executed Shamima Begum himself.
'Joe Biden launches a pastel boating trouser and moccasin charm offensive at his summer retreat' coos your free Guardian pamphlazine, as the Trump 2024 campaign steadily snowballs like an unstoppable boulder of gristle.
Belted up the arse at a Welcome Break by a dogger with oven chips in both hands, some on your back.
And the sudden realisation that the "dogger" has got an evening pass from Judy.
As you nose your car into a parking space at Ikea, Batley, your satnav announces "Your life's purpose has been fulfilled"
Belted up the arse by a Dame Edna impersonator in Hastings. He won't believe you that she's not dead yet.
You have to go dogging with your mum because she won't go alone.
Your Deliveroo pot of cum is jammed through your letterbox due to targets.
Quote from: Chicory on June 19, 2021, 10:00:07 PM
Your Deliveroo pot of cum is jammed through your letterbox due to targets.
v nice
Nana Mouskouri fucks a Müller Light across the aisle of a Tesco in a fit of rage.
Belted up the arse by the world's biggest living fan of Frankie Valli in what he keeps calling 'the culmination' as he drools snuff juice on your hairy tits.
Graham Norton slams his Jag into the side of a Ford Cortina in a fit of road rage. Exiting the vehicle, he pulls the unfortunate driver out and subjects him to the kind of language that would make a road worker blush, before getting back in the car, driving over the man's head and doing 80mph up to Glasgow screaming "I WILL NOT BE TREATED LIKE SOME COMMON PLEB!"
Saint and Greavsie mod for Skyrim is too much for your 2012 Alienware to handle, and it finally bricks, leaving you sitting in darkness, alone on a Friday night for the millionth time.
You start shouting about Magna Carta when your last meal request of smack barm & pea wet is denied. You're still wanging on about "we will sell to no man, we will not deny or defer to any man" and "all men of whatever condition whatsoever" as the lever is thrown.
A dentist tells you you are the ugliest, fang-toothed fuck he has ever had the displeasure to perform root canal on. After ponying up half your life savings to pay for the work, you grump home in the rain, all soaky and miserable!
The "Shit Yourself Thin!" campaign gets off to a roaring start.
Quote from: I.D. Smith on June 20, 2021, 04:29:22 PM
Saint and Greavsie mod for Skyrim is too much for your 2012 Alienware to handle, and it finally bricks, leaving you sitting in darkness, alone on a Friday night for the millionth time.
Laughed
Belted up the arse by the band Black Grape. By the time they have finished they have performed all their material, but twice so it actually resembles a real band.
David Baddiel sets up a Wix site to host his reviews of probiotic yoghurt drinks, but abandons it after eleven posts total over a seven year period.
Even golden retrievers hate you, surveys reveal.
Ian Brown starts hassling a tramp in Ecclesfield.
Belted up the arse by Harriet Harman wielding a grave-raped femur stolen from Thora Hird's burial mound.
Richard Blaine from Woking buys a trenchcoat and fedora before flying to Casablanca and booking an hour with Mohandas, a local 13 year old prostitute.
The arrest happens at the exact moment Rick believes he is sounding far cooler than in reality as he says "here's looking at your anus, kid".
Belted up the minge for seven minutes by an EasyJet purser with the self-bestowed nickname "Abracadabra Alan".
Bitumen cum spurt, incubated tar child, Lidl inky cot, manhole grave riddance, repeat, repeat, repeat.
By the time you have been belted up the arse for fourteen hours, you move to pick yourself up. Nothing. It occurs to you you have become a pile of sweaty, belted ashes.
After nine weeks and arguments, you and your partner compromise with "SargonOfAzkaban" as the name for your firstborn.
Your life partner has placed a mug in the centre of the mat, not in one of the corners like you like it.
Quote from: touchingcloth on June 24, 2021, 09:07:46 PM
After nine weeks and arguments, you and your partner compromise with "SargonOfAzkaban" as the name for your firstborn.
Laughed
Sectioned for no longer enjoying memes
Belted up the arse by Bill Oddie for two days solid, but you take solace in the fact that he does indeed smell of bran flakes (among other things).
You go to the pub with some girlfriends and pantomime some weighing scales hovering in the balance; demonstrated by your left hand, a six-figure salary, and, by your right, the obligation to do snogs with Hancock. You decide that the ends justify the means.
You spend two months working on an absolutely fantastic photoshop thing that gets completely ignored on CaB. You then post a rant and get banned from the forum, before joining again under the username GluttonforPunishment. GluttonforPunishment is then banned for describing the forum as "an insidious hive of ne'er-do-wells and phimotic bum-obsessives."
A dismal tortoise is softly buggered to death in its sleep.
You have your floor lowered, underlights are fitted along with subwoofer sound system, decals, Flowmaster exhaust, spoiler, in order that you 'attract the honeyz'.
Your erectile dysfunction starts a Twitter account.
Belted up the arse by PJ while Duncan tugs himself rotten.
I don't know, it's just not working out and I'd like to, y'know explore other, umm, opportunities...
says your gaming console ahhhhhh
Quote from: Shoulders?-Stomach! on June 26, 2021, 08:48:07 AM
You have your floor lowered, underlights are fitted along with subwoofer sound system, decals, Flowmaster exhaust, spoiler, in order that you 'attract the honeyz'.
And the decals pronounce you to be "The Lovehunter" [an old work colleague].
Refinancing the Volvo to buy the rights to a stage production of Original Pirate Material.
Martin of Dumfries eats a raw pizza and watches the blank telly screen, as he can neither be bothered to cook nor switch on telly. "Best Saturday in years, though!"
You shit in a wok.
Your insistence on being supplied with scalloped crackers leads to the death of 16 wayfarers.
(https://img.gifglobe.com/grabs/partridgecloud/S01E05/gif/0r8W7fZV4ldE.gif)
Against the pained begging of friends and loved ones, Elton upends the rest of the bottle and starts on I'm Still Standin'.
Quote from: FerriswheelBueller on June 26, 2021, 10:59:55 PM
Against the pained begging of friends and loved ones, Elton upends the rest of the bottle and starts on I'm Still Standin'.
That sounds less desolate, more wonderful. Try again.
A malingering Norbert slams a conger eel against a sideboard in frustration.
"God money, I'll do anything for you
God money, just tell me what you want me to
God money, belt me up arse up against the wall"
Is the lyric that makes the album.
Quote from: touchingcloth on June 26, 2021, 11:21:27 PM
That sounds less desolate, more wonderful. Try again.
I'll remind you of this.
https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=NCLagU-dr9A
Think on.
Quote from: FerriswheelBueller on June 27, 2021, 01:09:27 AM
I'll remind you of this.
https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=NCLagU-dr9A
Think on.
Yes, it's wonderful. What's your point?
Your musical taste is warmly compared to that of touchingcloth.
You wake up and discover that you have become Ferris overnight.
a box ticking exercise results in an accidental tracheotomy
In 2017, your recently-widowed grandfather tries to have a discussion with you about gabber.
A family called the Runcibles move in next door and cause chaos an havoc.
As his cranium sloshes with blood and rivulets of vomit stream down his cheeks and into his eyes, Greg begins to question the wisdom of his all day "dancing on the ceiling" charity challenge.
Your nearest woodland trail features a noticeboard advertising local flora and fauna including the 'Eurasian Paedo'.
Bill Maher starts a holy war.
You arrive later than planned at the Arsehole Remnant Event, and end up paying over the odds for one that's been all the way around 'D' wing.
After your death, a commemorative Nik Nak is produced.
Huge bags of old mince are sold at half price on the web.
A toolbox has got a lovely flat in the north.
You accidentally and completely void yourself in a library.
You encounter one of the Eurasian Paedos mentioned on the previous page, while on your woodland trail walk. It is shit.
An anus describes you as "a pitiless individual, a cold-hearted monster," to a local newspaper. You subsequently have to go into hiding. Dissed by an anus.
Quote from: Glebe on June 29, 2021, 03:59:12 PM
Dissed by an anus.
Real Life consider and carry through with rewrite.
John from Tyneside gaffa tapes a plethora of pups to a telegraph pole.
Pathfinder: Paedomaker
A giant superimposition of Matt Hancock's smiling head pops up at your window before slowly moving away.
A family member smugly informs you they happen to live in "the safest lib dem seat in the country"[nb]this genuinely just happened to me[/nb].
Geppetto whittles a set of tits onto you.
Your mum announces that she is a 'Slave 2 Da Rhythm'
Tim Henman lies back, wanks, a little whisper of cum flies into the depression of his belly button.
"Come on, Tim," he whispers.
(https://i.imgur.com/lIyLgKj.png)
"Come on, Tim."
Interrupted mid way through a rage fuelled rant at your boss by yourself sneezing, which just makes you look daft.
You enter end of life negotiations (end of your life) with a contest with a wan looking steeplejack over who can say bouillon in the most Gallic way. The loser must be deleted.
Severn Trent's overly familiar emails calling you a "watery hero" just for not dragging out a paddling pool full of pre-cum onto the patio or personally going round Somalia smashing up drinking wells.
Ooh someone's been having a few cheeky ice lollies! x x x Your water supplier (that's right *blushes* we're yours)
A plumber arrives for cuddles. He drinks all of your gold leaf cappuccino Yazoo. A marble quartz string quartet parps "Theme from Captain Pugwash" night and day.
Your toilet blocks, a wedding gown is found stuffed in the U-bend. MARRY US, BABE on the card when Greggs delivers a pork loaf reservoir filled with banana go-gurt.
Quote from: FerriswheelBueller on June 29, 2021, 09:41:28 PM
A family member smugly informs you they happen to live in "the safest lib dem seat in the country"[nb]this genuinely just happened to me[/nb].
lovely
The restraining order on your sperm donor expires just as he sprays your hallway through the cat flap.
Your yearbook from Fuck Sake School For Boys at Belsen-upon-Dearne is used, scrap by scrap, to mop up an overflowing piss trough in a Welcome Break.
An episode SNL is hosted by Jackie Weaver.
After lodging an accessibility enquiry, MadCatz controllers customer services ask whether you are 'head mental or body mental'
'No trans or snowflakes' sign on your local butcher's door.
On the reprint of Das Kapital, Marx pulls a Caitlin Moran face.
GAZPROM is the last word you ever see
Quote from: Glebe on July 03, 2021, 05:00:02 PM
'No trans or snowflakes' sign on your local butcher's door.
But hang on... You are the local butcher.
The Archangel Gabriel gets in touch to call you a Barry Bomb-out adding that you have 3 days to get it the fuck together.
The voice in your head telling you to spread syphilis to dozens of people stops and is replaced by one telling you to run for Labour councillor.
A Help For Heroes hoodie "worn by Lady Di" receives record bids on eBay.
The four people in front of you doing DJ requests all want Advertising Space by Robbie Williams, which is also what you want.
Quote from: Shoulders?-Stomach! on July 04, 2021, 08:06:20 PM
The four people in front of you doing DJ requests all want Advertising Space by Robbie Williams, which is also what you want.
Laughed.
A mithering Mike serves warm ales at his pub, The Fecund Squirrel in Gloucester.
You try and launch a lawsuit about planned obsolescence against God dealing with your erectile dysfunction.
To afford funerals by 2030 people have to sell ad space on their grave site. Yours is currently being used to market pile cream. It could be worse though, you think, I could be buried alive.
House party to celebrate the 1994 UK launch of Doritos
A piece of racist graffiti is made a Grade II* listed building.
The dormitory finally empties and Harry Potter fucks a Boglin.
An oily roustabout mocks you for having never eaten a Mr Kipling cake.
Harry Potter discovers to his chagrin that he cannot issue a restraining order against an obsessive jism filled Boglin and are there fuck any spells.
'It's not rape when they know it's about to happen, only when you take someone by surprise'
Your aunt after raping you.
Hermione tells Harry that though she's "a fair witch for my age, for the eighth and final time there's nothing I can do with a gunged Boglin."
A Boglin
The dormitory finally empties and the Boglin fucks a Harry Potter.
An existential despair creeps during a particularly soggy day.
You wake up, and begin to dress. But your socks feel...different. Heavier. Not just heavier, but out-and-out heavy.
Why are my socks heavy? Why are my god damn socks so god damn heavy?
And then you remember. Of course they're heavy; they're heavy with your cum.
Quote from: Glebe on July 06, 2021, 07:46:58 PM
An existential despair creeps during a particularly soggy day.
In Boglin kingdom
Lemuel Gulliver wakes up and finds himself on an island where the inhabitants are slightly taller than average. "Fuck's sake," he mutters, tutting and sighing.
Bemusement all round at the opening of Alfreton's new soft play centre as special guest and ribbon cutter Dannii Minogue keeps insisting everyone learns of her 'bulging rager of a clitoris right now'.
Poundcoin Darren's DJ set overruns by 5 minutes at the annual Cotgrave mineshaft rave.
The afterlife is password-protected.
All 300 copies of Darren's samizdat porn magazine are confiscated by customs for not meeting the requisite quality standards.
You find out you were co-written by Ed Sheeran.
Belted up the arse by Ted Hankey with his sweaty plastic bats and cape scattered around you as he consigns your tract to oblivion.
A few hours into your corpse and the maggots are kind of thinking, dunno, feel like I'm disrespecting myself a bit. Is it just me or could we do a bit better? There is broad agreement.
Everyone else in the pub nips outside for a cigarette and a cheeky laugh (at your expense).
"Ditch the face-nappy, libtard. Be a real man and admit that oxygen is a Jewish scam promoted by the mass media. We didn't believe in breathing in my day and we didn't have any of these so-called diseases." Your family all insist grandad has a point.
You live a life of torment so unimaginably painful that the Pet Shop Boys are moved to make a rock opera about it.
You sweat the bed leaving a perfect sweaty silhouette of Garfield.
Your six year old daughter gives you cigarette burns for drinking all the calpol.
The umbilical cord is still attached as the midwife leans into your gory ear to whisper "nonce".
"I recently worked with Fight Club: PRO, a Wolverhampton based wrestling company to develop their first official website."
"That's supposed to be the best pro wrestling in the country. I was planning to go."
In Ibiza, Jon looks crestfallen after he receives a lukewarm response to his usual "how much your maidenhead" come on.
An amateur dramatics group do their take on Keeping Up Appearances during a rain storm in Hull.
While singing "oh my darling, oh my darling, oh my darling Clementine" you realise that you're actually up to your nuts in a satsuma. Idiot.
Listening to Soccer Superstar by Jess Conrad on a loop, imagining it mixed into/out of World In Motion and thinking actually it's not that worse in quality.
Jess Conrad sings "you pass the ball or dribble past your man" to himself as he dribbles spunk on the carpet.
Kieth Allen sees the above posts and kidnaps John Barnes forcing him to croon/rap a mashup cover of both songs for Eng-er-land.
An over zealous lost media preservations, outraged at the censoring of history, tries to edit Jimmy Savile back into the Is This The Way To Amarillo video, using AI. Due to a horrible techno misunderstanding the offical version permanently on youtube & all music telly, is still with Peter Kay but all the clebs are replaced by deep fake Mr. Jingle Jangles.
The ornamental spine on your Dad's gimp's hemipenis makes it 2-1 to Portugal.
A misunderstanding means that instead of House of Pain, your forehead tattoo reads Goose of Pain.
A dad tries to monetize his children's farts
Quote from: drummersaredeaf on July 08, 2021, 12:15:43 PM
You sweat the bed leaving a perfect sweaty silhouette of Garfield.
Brilliant
You go to use the wheelbarrow, but recoil in shock immediately
The handles, and also, you realise the whole barrow is piping hot. blisters begin to form on your hands.
You hear a discordant giggling from behind a Bush
Bobby Davro's Crematorium gets five stars on Yelp.
Competent at your job but you know deep down there's never going to be a promotion and your true calling is bringing hamsters off.
Your Ford Probe that you have been polishing every week with pride without fail since 1998 is stolen. Not because its worth having, the thieves just wanted to do it because they know its going to hurt you.
The Bakerloo Line is closed due to ghosts.
Try the new, hot & spicy "Delta Variant" from Domino's today - just £12.99 when you order a Chicken Side!
When DJ Pied Piper arrives at your Grans funeral to announce that "we're lovin it lovin it lovin it!' the vicar completes the call and response "we're lovin it like thaaat-ah! "
You don't actually start to cry until the Ayia Napa bit though because it reminds you of a dwarf you totalled with a moped.
You give up hitchhiking after a 6 hour journey in the company of Tom Bombadil
Towards the end of a frankly lukewarm date you prepare your main boast to turn the tide of events:
"If you wish, I can send you a CD-ROM with over 5000 pictures of old beer coasters."
"I have an extensive collection of Parker pens."
A recidivist molester extends his free rental agreement from the confines of your head to the boundaries of your property.
You do wanks to the cummies song.
The beach is full of cunts.
You go to the pub every Wednesday to do Forever in Blue Jeans on the karaoke.
Your 'Save our Seas' t-shirt is made from 100% organic, unbleached cotton, in a factory fully powered by renewable energy, by Bangladeshi slaves.
You die of gonorrhoea in a bucket of sick.
"...it's been wanked to the size of a bookie's pencil... Ah, Mrs Trowbridge, you'll be wanting an update on your husband's condition"
You are asked to leave a CAMRA meeting for boring people.
Your surgeon hooks your innards to your cheeks, so that you salivate diarrhoea into your mouth.
Quote from: pancreas on July 19, 2021, 12:36:44 PM
You are asked to leave a CAMRA meeting for boring people.
Every CAMRA meeting is for boring people? They're the only ones that join in the first place.
Your arse buys shares in a failing drainpipe company.
Belted up the arse by an obstruction and hindrances surveyor, this is his technique of removing hindrances, you are the obstruction and the hindrance and you will soon have been rectified.
You win a paint bucket full of sheep cum and it's collection only from Grondon in Layer-de-la-Haye.
You are worked to death setting up Facebook ads for a struggling Laser Quest in Hove.
The Gyles Brandreth fan club folds when it's sole member looses interest.
You realise people are staring at you in embarrassment and disbelief when you begin to eat your After Eight with a knife and fork, like mother taught you to.
Sargon of Akkad is denied a bank loan by someone he characterises as an 'establishment Remoaner'.
Belted up the arse by an ombudsman cosplaying as a Boglin.
Financial or legal ombudsman?
You develop a sentient crust on your feet that hisses at you in the night.
You are informed via Microsoft Teams that you are to be executed by firing squad.
Mother's Ashes in Sports Direct Mug
Dad's funeral at a Toby Carvery
A VHS copy of About Schmidt is the only serviceable wanking material in your bunker.
You are complimented by the paramedic on the selection of drugs he has pumped out of your stomach
You regress utterly and are now capable only of sucking pease pudding and angel delight from a surrogate plastic teat.
A disagreement breaks out on a forum dedicated to the uploading of 'spousal bumhole winking' vids. As the admin, you are required to mediate.
You are called upon to manhandle and restrain a sweating Barry of the docks.
A lamprey starts arguing with a bloke about the past fiscal year.
You want to adjust your anus but you only have metric allen keys.
You get a Commonwealth war grave in the face. You understand, right? There's a Commonwealth war grave and it has gone right into your face.
You make a wank over a stick figure with tits you drew on the back of a jaffa cakes box last for four hours.
Cancelled by Just Eat. Next time and you're out.
Costa closed for a few minutes so it wouldn't have to deliver me a muffin.
Mystery ubereats deliveries of corner shop fags & booze from a phantom Londis.
Greasy Nerys makes way for a vomit spew courtesy of Lech Lennie.
Greggs gets bought up by Londis
It's called
Grondis
Quote from: PlanktonSideburns on July 21, 2021, 12:40:51 AM
Greggs gets bought up by Londis
It's called
Grondis
Vegan sausage roll
3.75
Your genitals are conscripted to fight in a pointless war.
Belted up the arse by your own 3d print creation 'Stonehelm The Great'.
In your crown court trial you continually refer to Justice Baines as "Bainsey", and say several times that your heroin was 'foil wrapped for freshness' while grinning at the jury and giving the thumbs up. 3 years chokey but worth it for the bants.
Belted up the arse to the theme tune of the Dogtanian cartoon.
Quote from: dex on July 21, 2021, 06:27:02 PM
Belted up the arse to the theme tune of the Dogtanian cartoon.
True deso!
Your mother is 'dragged kicking and screaming' into a soft play centre, where she is then repeatedly forced to boing on all of the inflatables and make parping sounds like a whoopee cushion to the hollers and shrieks of a gang of dwarven bikers who have tethered her using hooks.
The local Avon Lad comes round with "a fuckton of bird stuff"
Perfunctory sponge birthday cake decorated with image uploaded from web is of girl on drip in ward, now with 14 lit candles impaled in her icing body. She expires en route to extinguishing the flames.
Quote from: dex on July 21, 2021, 06:27:02 PM
Belted up the arse to the theme tune of the Dogtanian cartoon.
Someone one on here imagined being belted up the arse by someone wearing these
(http://www.sonicgear.org/UKPages/UK%20Photos/UKAccessories/sonicknucklesBoots.jpg)
And I don't know if that mental image will ever leave me now
Your neighbour tells you to come round to his for a barbecue as he has a "cuntload of sausage and no fridge"
Some good ones on this page
Saracen the gladiator abuses your trust to leave a bleeding goat in your lockup
Belted up the arse by Eurasia's premiere termite breeder. He has a scuttling way about him but a violent thrusting desire.
A drunken Craig David approaches your front door, but bottles it before he can complete a Knock Door Run.
Leaving a wank sock out in the sun to dry out only it doesn't dry out it ferments. A passing goat eats the spunk wine soaked sock gets drunk wanders into the road and causes a major pile up with many fatalities. An autopsy on the goat reveals the source of intoxication and the Vet who did the operation, your mum, goes to the papers and says it was the socks she gave you for Christmas.
Quote from: FerriswheelBueller on July 21, 2021, 11:20:58 PM
A drunken sober Craig David approaches your front door, but bottles it before he can complete a Knock Door Run.
You are rendered void, such is the power of the rendering, you fly up your own arsehole becoming a singularity, in a petrol station Greggs.
You catch a lethal dose of COVID while attending an inadequately socially distanced screening of a directors cut of Mrs. Brown's Boys D'Movie. Your last words before leaving for the showing were "if I get COVID I get COVID so"
Quote from: dex on July 21, 2021, 06:27:02 PM
Belted up the arse to the theme tune of the Dogtanian cartoon.
Pounded in the butt by your Chuck Tingle/Dogtanian slash fiction.
Quote from: PlanktonSideburns on July 21, 2021, 10:33:02 PM
Someone one on here imagined being belted up the arse by someone wearing these
(http://www.sonicgear.org/UKPages/UK%20Photos/UKAccessories/sonicknucklesBoots.jpg)
And I don't know if that mental image will ever leave me now
*shudders*
Imagine getting sonic and knuckled after being belted?
A negative Norris slams his glans into the edge of The Best of Engelbert Humperdinck as it spins on the turntable.
You become disillusioned with the latest content from the Boglin Cinematic Universe.
https://www.bbc.co.uk/food/articles/pasta_chips (https://www.bbc.co.uk/food/articles/pasta_chips)
Please let that be the end of it
Huddled together for worms.
Toppled by a moron felled by a dickhead who was lamped by a man with 'legitimate concerns'.
You set a world record for the number of burning copies of The Guinness Book of World Records accurately hurled at disabled and immobile children in 2 minutes. A life's dream fulfilled.
You fed a Polo mint to Robert Smith and now he's followed you home.
https://www.theguardian.com/fashion/2021/jul/30/goblincore-fashion-trend-embraces-chaos-dirt-mud
You take legal action against the makers of The Littlest Hobo on the basis that you have a littler Hobo. It's littler because you have removed its tail and ears. And its face, actually. You've left the legs on so that it can get about, thereby fulfilling the definition of 'hobo', otherwise they'd be off too.
Your first confirmed gig with cover band 'BDI' at Stockport Toilets happens to coincide with the 10th anniversary of your tenure as lead singer.
Mixed results from your visit to the fortune teller.
"For you I see great future, very great future. Your anus, all is lost"
Belted up the arse by a franchised Blobby
You call your newborn triplets Paddock, Sperm Bank and Boglin Boglin Boglin Boglin.
Pube sandwich but the cheese is cold.
Quote from: FerriswheelBueller on August 02, 2021, 12:16:54 AM
Pube sandwich but the cheese is cold.
The best way. You don't want to be yelping "id's hodder dan de pube sun" while trying to keep the pubes in your mouth, do you?
Though I bet
you do, Ferris, you dirty old bollocks, I bet you fucking do.
Normal people don't want this.
You find out you are being mothballed in 3 weeks but can't work out what to do in the meantime.
Belted up the cockhole by Christopher Lillicrap
Matthew Wanker of Mablethorpe skipping down the M2 and giggling emphatically.
You're picked as recipient of the world's first papier-mâché arse transplant. Well, not 'picked' as such. It's a Supreme Court order.
Your running playlist is just listening to PornHub videos on shuffle
A flying ant glances your kneecap and causes irreperable damage
2nd out of the 5 Banbury Munters.
"Maybe if it's classed as boyslaughter it'll be less time," muses an errant dad, after accidentally punting his 4 year old into a river.
I brought this wine after it was recommended on Saturday Kitchen.
a chagrinned Usher wearing only a rhinestone posing pouch and pair of cheap seaside pier sunglasses trying to find his way way to Timbaland's studio but the woods are pitch black and his 2008 air-dunk Jordans can't find any purchase on the wet asphalt.
From within a giant rolling dialysis wheel, a nonagenarian dust apostrophe asks her robot carer if she can "bang a pint of fent" into her shit arm
An anus with a Qui-Gon Jinn action figure poking out of it receives 1 vote in the North Evington by-election.
Having a man-crush on Sir Kier Starmer.
Quote from: Shoulders?-Stomach! on August 03, 2021, 10:15:26 PM
2nd out of the 5 Banbury Munters.
You ride a horse cock to Banbury Cross
You are conclusively bested at a roundabout by a Welsh, your least favourite of the races.
Boglinner emerges from his lair to cast gender-reveal fart spells at toilet queues.
Ron Howard says "get your lugs round this" before putting Metallica's One on while he crimps your arse beard in the LEM.
Sir Jimmy Saville is posthumously re-awarded his knighthood and OBE following a hugely popular public campaign led by the Daily Mail that insisted he was "a victim of woke culture".
Alan's terrible wait for the consultant is finally over.
"Well Alan, I have some good news, we can save the left testicle"
"And...(gulp), the other..?"
"Well, I'm afraid we will have to remove the other one"
"No. Not...not Graham!!!"
Your degloved penis is offered a presenting slot on GB News.
You take your Grandmother to a Hooters and end up breaking her jaw in a disagreement about who of the waitresses is fittest.
Your name translates to 'Cruel of Town' so the French all laugh at you.
You arrive for your cognitive behaviour sessions, and walk to the front desk to find the therapist shitting bare arsed into a styrofoam cup.
You're trying to play Fifa 2014 and your bloody wife just wants to celebrate your 20th wedding anniversary.
You market yourself as a 'human festival toilet'
Best man is JACK POT from JACK POT & TOM BOLA
The last surviving group of Djibouti francolins are assaulted by some EDL pondscum, who chuck empty Carling cans at them and tell them to "piss off back to Iraq you egg-laying bastards".
You are assigned Boglin at birth.
Your mate Charlie gets a trampoline and a pie, whereas you get a tuberculosis and Neil Morrisseys 101 Greatest Goals DVD
You go home because of a caterpillar.
During the consultation where your diagnosis of sickle cell anaemia is delivered, the doctor repeatedly tells you that it's due to a problem with your haemoboglins.
You are assigned two weeks worth of trigonometry homework to be completed during your summer holiday in the Seychelles. While everyone else is out enjoying themselves you must spend every waking hour doing the boring maths in your stuffy hotel room.
The results of the test arrive in the post: your fuck-boglin has gone full blown.
Quote from: Glebe on August 08, 2021, 10:08:16 PM
You are assigned two weeks worth of trigonometry homework to be completed during your summer holiday in the Seychelles at birth.
Laughing.
You had assumed your Grindr date's stated preference for goryholes was a typo. Apparently not.
They're all goryholes by the time I've finished with them.
The copyright holder of boglins sues CAB for libel.
We collectively lose, the judge does a Hatey Kopkins and kicks us all out our houses and lets all the boglins move in.
They're squealing, and rolling, and squelching about, flicking peas about the place, snogging your auntie and swinging from the curtain rails.
Your collection of recovered used toilet paper that THE GREAT ONE, the MAN, the FUCKING TITS OF ALL TIME* used to sanitise his bottom is starting to reek out the hot desking area where you are temporarily living.
*Graham Linehan
A fart itches a haemorrhoid but briefly
During the Only Fools 50th anniversary show, a decrepit Del Boy falls through the bar but a jaded Trigger forgets to make a face.
You are called a 'neighbourhood colostomy' by two people in the space of the same paper round
Vince lays a massive cable next to a well in a Nigerian village that doesn't have adequate sanitation, cackling as he drives away.
An 11 year old named simply Clegg, born and christened in the hopeful early days of the coalition government, is finally euthanized.
Your dad asks for a bump of ket "to level himself out" at gran's funeral.
Your brother Rolf is happy to help out with your childcare needs, but only on Saturdays ok?
https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-england-nottinghamshire-58150699
Peak
(https://ichef.bbci.co.uk/news/976/cpsprodpb/10D9A/production/_119881096_9ee7b626-6c76-4d35-ac32-6232bc8de96d.jpg)
The punches keep on coming
QuoteAccording to the Guinness World Records, the current oldest male boxer is Albert Hughes Jr, who was 70 years and 234 days old when he fought in Indianapolis on 14 December 2019.
Mr Hughes died before he was officially confirmed as the world record holder.
Terry Lugworm muffs his landing and spitfires all over June's tit-strip
The chemo chancellor for Hull Proper greets you with a cheery "ey yeh monner fuckin booty bass depressing fred dibnah cheesy chips pie in a ditch"
A moribund yorkshire porcupine queefs out a branch of undigested brie.
A child molestor is introduced to you as "a fantastic man, he really is".
Following a cabinet reshuffle, Michael Gove is announced as Renegade Master, with overall responsibility for ill behaviour.
The Tamperer Feat. Maya loses Maya in some fog, so has to recruit a replacement member and perform under the new act The Tamperer Feat. Brian Barwick.
Shoezone kek discipline and compulsory toilet training workshop, presented by Cheryl Tweedy
Carole Malone's opinions lure you onto some rocks, destroying your ship and crew.
You are paid an aglet for your service to the millipaed vigilantes of West Ashby
In your wedding day speech your describe your spouse as a "scrawny beastfuck", eliciting nods of approval and envy from the guests.
Your musical career is compared favourably to the Pigeon Detectives.
Fin-domed by Alan Hansen.
After your best anecdote falls flat, you are asked to leave a dinner party hosted by Vanessa Feltz.
Quote from: FerriswheelBueller on August 12, 2021, 01:24:11 AM
Your musical career is compared favourably to the Pigeon Detectives.
You are in a Pigeon Detectives tribute band.
The Secretary of State for Work and Pensions comes around an announces they are going to give your mum 'all the girth'.
You decide to holiday at Pontins Prestatyn because of their corporate stance against Irish Travellers. Whilst there you discover that the only passable wanking material you can download quickly enough to not lose your erection are records in Hansard of upskirting debates. You cum yourself dry on this newfound motherlode of grot, then head to the bar to tell Nige that all gypsies are slags, before forcing your phone beneath the skirt of a 6 year old. It is not until you return to your room that you realise that Nokia 3310s don't suit your needs. Few more tugs over Hansard and you head over to Phones4U to ask about the best cheapest phone with a camera that can work upside down in the dark. 3AM on Sunday morning by the time you arrive, so you just kip in the doorway until it opens, at which point a security guard stamps your guts into the pavement calling you hobo filth in a mockney accent. There is no funeral.
Dick and Dom in da bungalow belting you up da arse while eating haslet off of your back.
"He's my therapist. I'm paying him. It doesn't matter," you mutter as you jet shit out of your arse at his head.
John Torode and Greg Wallace are in your kitchen teaching your mum how to do the urban hand motion thing and laughing.
Your pub Pornhub is picketed by the Marxist left.
Your sister has been sighted in the High Weald neighing, stealing sandwich fillings, damaging fences, quarreling with palfreymen, yet it is you the police are searching for with gun-mounted helicopters.
Liza and Jimmy hatch the doomed guerilla self-promotional concept of stealing both "S"s on the outside of Starbucks.
It's been a hard week trying to find ways of bridging porcine epidemic diarrhoea virus from pigs to prostitutes.
Your elaborate Jimmy Tarbuck gag fails, to the surprise of no one.
You are denied entry to a persons only jumble sale.
Joylessly throat-fucked behind the cafeteria bins by a workplace Colin.
Your new wife reacts badly to your attempt to play off your affair with her daughter as 'bants'.
You were belted up the arse by an ettin called PAEDWRAITH
You have the moniker 'Sane' attached before your forename, and even the census people seem to be using it.
Big Chives sends some henchmen round to incinerate your herb garden and rough up your flowerbeds.
"Fuck you, you're not a hero, you didn't stand up for Skyrim: Ultimate Edition."
Your 'Win The Future' Kevin Starmer pillowcase has arrived!
The Gerontocark Institute informs you your GranDa is due "an absolute cunting."
Your wedding reading is field recordings of Alabama slaves recalling the arduous tanning process.
Your life is overtaken by a man who calls himself "Frank Ovens."
Frank Ovens has taken my wife. Frank Ovens has taken my children. Frank Ovens has taken my ovens.
Belted up the ovens by Frank Ovens
Your anus begins hosting evenings of whist.
The course of your life takes an ill turn, owning to some flaccid callipers.
After a two hour long personality test the careers path software recommends you become a Slopwretch.
You find a disturbing 'Easter egg' in the 'pregnancy' segment of an online workplace DSE training course.
QuoteJust made a guy shag a tin of cold beans. It's good to be back.
A grim cloud passes over you during a depression spell.
The local parish newsletter reviews your son's school nativity play as 'Muppet Babies for cunts'.
Your wife comes home from hospital with a long rubbery baby called Bungle The Perv.
Bath Time Elvis blocks all your plug holes with greasy rhinestones.
Sitting in a bath of beans raising money to raise money for Help the Heroes and your wife throws in a toaster on an extension lead.
Turpin Gangle of Grimsby completes his Wotsit bag collection.
Quote from: pancreas on August 24, 2021, 04:41:04 PM
Sitting in a bath of beans raising money to raise money for Help the Heroes and your wife throws in a toaster on an extension lead.
... It's a genuine attempt to cook the beans
"Has anyone fuck been ter the moon", your father opines from a zero-g commode capsule on Mimas.
A court grants conservatorship over you to a stranger called 'Dobson The Belter'.
A letter in Wednesday's post informs you that you are now banned from Wagamamas (reason not given).
You are forced to issue a product recall on your faeces.
Your arse seems you unsuitable for ownership.
Forced to become a 'gland ambassador' for an intimidating man in your local Aldi
Someone injects botulism into your Rustler's burger and you don't care because it improves the taste.
Quote from: Greg Torso on August 24, 2021, 04:24:41 PM
The local parish newsletter reviews your son's school nativity play as 'Muppet Babies for cunts'.
and gets a straight to video x-rated 'parody' as Muppet cunts for babies.
Using one of your Simon Bates scrapbooks to fix a wobble on the nightstand next to your deathbed.
During the ultrasound, your unborn child - it's the size of a grapefruit - calls you a horrific Boglin and asks for an abortion.
During your next ultrasound, your unborn twins - cantaloupe-sized - are furiously belting each other up the arse.
Your girlfriend arrives for dinner just as you discover the tin of baked beans that was going to form a key element of the meal has got those funny little sausages in.
The 26th of March.
Grandma notices her shy grandson hasn't deposited the cheque she sent last month for his birthday. After a quick phone call and some words of encouragement he promises to do it the next day.
(https://metro.co.uk/wp-content/uploads/2021/08/47272331-0-image-m-18_1630306383353.jpg?quality=90&strip=all&zoom=1&resize=480%2C270)
You are convinced your stalled career, lack of success with women and groinal acne is due to the Kerryman.
You are compelled by dint of execution to Alan Smithee your directorial debut porno.
Opening the app to track your cab only to see the little taxi icon speeding away from your position
Quote from: Chollis on August 10, 2021, 02:52:34 AM
An 11 year old named Simply Clegg, born and christened in the hopeful early days of the coalition government, is finally euthanized.
Quote from: batwings on August 21, 2021, 12:13:09 PM
You are denied entry to a persons only jumble sale.
Best one in ages
A third go on the village defibrillator fails to bung your heart back to life.
Reminiscing about your glory days as a council leaf blower amidst a beetle colony in Dedham Vale.
Noddy gets tasered in Rothbury.
You dance teacher says your hips are belsen
Quote from: touchingcloth on August 27, 2021, 02:08:18 PM
During the ultrasound, your unborn child - it's the size of a grapefruit - calls you a horrific Boglin and asks for an abortion.
During your next ultrasound, your unborn twins - cantaloupe-sized - are furiously belting each other up the arse.
We laughed loudly
Gal Gadot rams a badger twixt two hedgerows.
You are convinced that you are a bad chef because 'the ingredients all hate me'.
Hale & Pace return with a series, theme tune by Coldplay.
Quote from: Glebe on September 07, 2021, 10:32:16 PM
Hale & Pace return with a series, theme tune by Coldplay.
Ouch! Sad piano. Peak deso.
Your card in the phone booth advertises "all the trimmings" with your handjobs.
(https://pbs.twimg.com/media/E-zke9eXoAElELM?format=jpg&name=medium)
You live in a phone box to prevent your kids growing up wrong.
While jacking off you make your family some scrambled eggs
Your separated-at-birth, conjoined twin makes sex faces at you through a vent.
A paedophile in a Bisto t-shirt turns your children into granules.
The scrambled eggs you serve your young family are actually jizz curds. Again.
You are such a hideous child yet mutantly desirous of cock. You have to pay paedophiles to go anywhere near you. 11 no-shows and the next 4 turn around and leave on arrival.
Boddarth of Glossop has the infamous 'wankers cramp' despite being a limbless birth defect.
You believe 'wankers crap' is a thing and say to your friends in the café that 'it's like that crap you do when you're wanking' to disbelief and long stares.
Your wife organises a seance to contact whatever it was she once saw in you.
New opportunities arise at work. A lie comes back to bite you. You end the week shagging a vagina made from a hollowed out tin of corned beef.
- Capricorn
You receive a court order after "barraging" Jamie Oliver with emails claiming to have cooked all of his 30 minute meals in 29 minutes.
you sort through shoeboxes full of your old audio cassettes and realize the only things worth salvaging are four Chick Tracts you find stuck between an old Friday Night Rock Show recording and a NWOBHM mixtape.
(https://i.imgur.com/uIJMivP.jpg)
Molly's humanity is "horribly effective" like "radiotherapy" or "John Terry" according to her tarot.
You find that your dad was a heavy metal porn star in "Enter Cuntman".
Your attempt to seize control of a Trossach ends in a phone box puddle in Basingstoke.
Bobby Davro leaves the GMTV studios drunker than when he arrived
It's 8.07
A turbid Boglin ragequits fatherhood
You make a loss selling bottles of your fermented spunk at CumCon.
https://youtu.be/sfiCmHIfUKs (https://youtu.be/sfiCmHIfUKs)
A tree falls on Alain de Botton in the woods, but you wisely elect not to hear it.
The most responded-to piece in the Daily Mail this year is your letter about how "you can't say 'Chinese whispers' any more in case it offends Bob Harris".
You explain mid-coitus the difference between a pelican and a toucan crossing, both of which are visible from the abandoned car park.
At death's door at the age of 48, Pat finally notices that saying "I shouldn't be having this" is not the same as not actually having it.
Finally out of ideas, the producers option Borat for Phase XXII of the MCU.
You delay an important trip to the doctors by convincing yourself it's 'not unheard of for people to cum rust'.
I Have No Arse And I Must Shit.
Absolutely gutted because your child's funeral clashes with a Robert Rinder meet and greet you had tickets for, you explain to Robert Rinder.
Made up by the loss of a friends father
"That's him out of the way"
You go on holiday to South Georgia in order to mope. The ensuing damage drives eight endangered ragworts and mosses into extinction.
After investing your life savings in property, your child in the local school system, and a significant sum at the local university to complete a graduate degree, your mum turns up and describes your new home city as "quite nice, a bit like Plymouth".
(https://imgur.com/NKud7JJ.png)
Your FOI request to the Forestry Commission yields a printout of a review of Theydon Bois
"Such dildplay."
Everton.
Steve Lamacq is at the football (his local non-league side), listening to the Kaiser Chiefs in one ear, wearing a Franz Ferdinand t-shirt and making a list of non-league goalies who used to be in bands on his phone while 'supping' on a pint of 'ale', causing all vaginas in a 5 mile radius to dry up. When he gets home he finds his wife has left him for someone who works at Radio 3, puts on By the Time I Get To Phoenix, and settles down to work on his spreadsheet of Supergrass anecdotes.
Lauren buys Steve a Next Home voucher for their anniversary. He buys her the same. They laugh, then go there.
A thirty year sentence as head of Quality Assessment for Channel 5.
Being the person forced to hide in the computer and draw all the weird pictures people keep typing in, unable to complain/demand more money as you're stuck pretending to be an ai, just having to constantly churn out a consent flow of blurry porn inexplicably involving prog rock, 80s light entertainers, 90s comedy peeps and labour politicians.
A group of lads designates a mutual acquaintance 'The Professor'
You try to change the channel to Babestation Blue but unfortunately have programmed your universal remote control incorrectly, and instead switch off your father's pacemaker
Quote from: Catalogue of ills on September 21, 2021, 06:21:08 PM
Steve Lamacq is at the football (his local non-league side), listening to the Kaiser Chiefs in one ear, wearing a Franz Ferdinand t-shirt and making a list of non-league goalies who used to be in bands on his phone while 'supping' on a pint of 'ale', causing all vaginas in a 5 mile radius to dry up. When he gets home he finds his wife has left him for someone who works at Radio 3, puts on By the Time I Get To Phoenix, and settles down to work on his spreadsheet of Supergrass anecdotes.
I think I speak for my vagina when I say "sopping".
A cold egg sandwich goes begging in a miserable dustman's holdall.
One of your performance targets at work for the next quarter is 'Stop having one leg slightly shorter than the other'.
A former Soviet republic bans blinking 'for a laugh'.
Your wife divorces you, citing "twattery in bed".
A midwife loses her job for asking a newborn baby if it fancies going for a drink later.
Promoted to "assistant to the chief in charge of buying Twix multipacks for the office earwig".
A letter from the council announcing they are flushing the cemeteries and you have five working days to collect your dead.
A wasp stuck on a crossword puzzle.
Cornered in a service station on the A38, a Roy "Chubby" Brown impersonator has no choice but to listen to your homebrewed routines.
You have to tell your work coach that you lost your last job because you couldn't get your cumshots on target.
Donal of Leeds collects bar codes. Yes, BAR CODES.
Can't get past the captcha on your dialysis machine.
Quote from: batwings on September 25, 2021, 01:54:24 PM
Can't get past the captcha on your dialysis machine.
Splendid
You watch a VHS of Dunston Checks In instead of going to a smashing party.
Gerard Talbot, Certified Heavy Cummer from Killorglin wins The Rose of Tralee.
You cum on a microscope slide and spend an evening naming all of the sperm.
Belted up the arse by Ronaldo CR7.
Going on holiday to Uruguay to be closer to your Fray Bentos
You are newly consecrated as a heritage version of yourself and have to tour the country performing all your great one liners and standout moments of your life. These are limited to sharting your school shorts and shouting 'watch it!' at a bin man.
You describe your wife in the wedding speech as a 'flattened oval or worm-like animal'.
Colin of Stabvest, MA picks a penny up, and all the day he has trenchfoot.
"It's great to be able to go to the pub again!"
But the barman has a maggot ridden zombified face.
Your mother dies in a run of the mill yachting accident.
Local nuisance Micky Buttons smears himself on your sundial.
Your treasured 'Best Hanging Baskets 2011' framed certificate is used for moving a turd slightly further away.
A miser with a sweet tooth only becomes friends with diabetic widows to get at the sugar in their piss.
Greg of Cheshire can't decide whether to go hiking at 4AM in the freezing rain or stay at home and count his Wagon Wheel collection. Again.
Quote from: derek stitt on September 26, 2021, 01:34:22 PM
A miser with a sweet tooth only becomes friends with diabetic widows to get at the sugar in their piss.
Very good
The free Nestlé calendar you picked up at a breakfast cereal convention has an entry on May 3rd for 'National African Baby Milk Day'.
Alan Davies bites Sandy Toksvig's ears off during a live broadcast QI. Yes, both of them.
The Left is galvanized by a trip to Penderel's Oak.
Quote from: Shoulders?-Stomach! on September 26, 2021, 07:36:19 AM
You describe your wife in the wedding speech as a 'flattened oval or worm-like animal'.
Yes!
You make your first post on the Steve Hoffman forums, and are told a mod must review it first
A stingy portion of stale mash is allocated to you on the event of your execution.
England's "second best-kept little village" calls you a melt.
Quote from: Jockice on September 27, 2021, 10:06:08 PMand as for me...I was the Bez of Fiel. Only without the dancing or marracca-playing.
Your penpal Marc Dutroux calls your coddle recipe 'hogwash'.
Regional tyrant Brampton picks up the village thalidomide and uses it to twat your earthly belongings to a pulp.
Your mum insists on being called pissmop_1963 after some early internet notoriety.
Turns out your auntie once got it each end from Des Lynam and Robert Fleck.
Be alright if it was "back in the day", but it was just before Covid
A letter, postmarked from The Gambia, with just the words "unfuckable Les Dawson stunt double" written on it, successfully finds it way to you.
^ another corker.
Quote from: batwings on September 28, 2021, 01:09:27 PM
A letter, postmarked from The Gambia, with just the words "unfuckable Les Dawson stunt double" written on it, successfully finds it way to you.
amazing
You adopt the coprophagal diet of a hare.
Craig of Leytonstone has a surprizing hobby, for he literally likes watching paint dry, "in every hour I can spare!"
Sooty commits suttee and Sweep sweeps up his ashes and gets sued by Soo.
I don't fucking know.
Quote from: Sebastian Cobb on September 29, 2021, 03:28:08 PM
(https://pbs.twimg.com/media/FAZ0xmjVcA0V4st?format=jpg&name=medium)
Your experiments in fermenting semen are cracking along with a ferocious development programme.
Quote from: Shoulders?-Stomach! on September 30, 2021, 08:22:29 AM
Your experiments in fermenting semen are cracking along with a ferocious development programme.
Who's this doing that? Do you know if the have any vacancies going? I'd be interested in being a marketing manager or product tester.
Tim of Dorset rubs Marmalade into his tits, his own tits.
You get a job at the local BP garage because you're "mega into cars".
In hospital having a gastric band fitted... to your tapeworm.
Quote from: touchingcloth on October 01, 2021, 06:28:33 PM
You get a job at the local BP garage because you're "mega into cars".
Two weeks in and you're put out to pasture, replaced by a brave boy.
Quote from: batwings on October 02, 2021, 03:18:16 PM
In hospital having a gastric band fitted... to your cumworm.
Ouch
Your mother's killer's joyful mocking of your leaky colostomy bag is trending on TikTok.
So grotesquely hideous in both body and spirit are you that you decide to marry yourself. You are jilted at the altar.
At the pub you try to get an argument going about BP versus Esso.
You announce to the residents of Mecklenburg-Verpommen that you are 'coming over there'.
Your mum invites you round for Sunday roast to meet her new boyfriend. It's Dapper Laughs. He gleefully describes the roast lamb as "moist" at every opportunity, to chuckles around the table. He locks eyes with you across the spread, grinning and running his index finger back and forth under his nose.
You get a tattoo on your penis of salt bae.
The doctors spend months trying to work out why your body has rejected tem successive kidney transplants, but it turns out they all rejected you.
You open a king bin and your woodwork teacher is in there, with no expression on his face chewing on rubbish. You're incensed with jealousy.
You understand what a king bin is.
Trapped inside a haunted copy of Livin' La Vida Loca.
Quote from: touchingcloth on October 03, 2021, 03:25:36 PM
You get a tattoo on your penis of salt bae.
The tattoo artist lets the needle slide off his elbow onto your cock.
$4,500 please sirah
In a fit of existential pique, you take a magnet to all your 3.5" floppy disks with your usenet porn on them ... and then spend the next two months feeling like pure shit just want them back
Arrests made as "Ainsley's Charity Oetker-thon" ends in mass suicide
You bankrupt yourself through your attempts to try and convince Alton Towers to create a rollercoaster based on Meet the Fockers.
"Hey guys, I'm sorry to inform you that your home has been repossessed. Good luck house-hunting from all of us, and hey, I really do mean that!" *millennial smile*
You spend hours a day combing your last remaining hair in the fridge.
The last CaB post that made you laugh was one you wrote but have no memory of submitting at all.
The new Blackadder series is finally agreed upon, set in Ireland in the Magdalene laundries.
A Tuesday night in, your only company 2 cheap bottles of red wine and Austin Powers: The Spy Who Shagged Me.
Outshone by a fluke worm.
You spend 3 weeks knitting a cardigan for a newborn that turns out to be a complete arsehole
Paralysed below the eyebrows, you are forced to watch your childhood nemesis turn a tidy profit on Flog It!.
"Most people think you're a horrible little rat, but you're alright in my book"
"Thanks Dad"
At the Manic Street Preachers gig, James Dean Bradfield announces that he's off for a fag and hands his guitar to Nicky Wire, who proceeds to knock out an endless acoustic set which includes Vivian, Quest for Ancient Colour, and the entirety of Postcards from a Young Man while Sean cries into a tom.
Quote from: Cuellar on October 05, 2021, 01:35:39 PM
You spend 3 weeks knitting a cardigan for a newborn that unfortunately dies in the womb but not wanting your knitting effort to go to waste you shove the cardigan up your cunt and ask for an ultrasound
No one is the least bit surprised when Not All Men memes start getting plastered all over James Bond's Facebook timeline.
Quote from: touchingcloth on October 03, 2021, 06:08:16 PM
You understand what a king bin is.
the classroom contains two different-sized bins and your teacher reckons they're a funny cunt
Quote from: pancreas on October 03, 2021, 11:47:07 PM
In a fit of existential pique, you take a magnet to all your 3.5" floppy disks with your usenet porn on them ... and then spend the next two months feeling like pure shit just want them back
This is very funny
Quote from: batwings on October 02, 2021, 03:18:16 PM
In hospital having a gastric band fitted... to your tapeworm.
Worst Kilroy ever
Quote from: FerriswheelBueller on October 03, 2021, 07:28:40 PM
Trapped inside a haunted copy of Livin' La Vida Loca.
Specifically this version
https://youtu.be/UL1iDCRhvHA
Your new hobby is collecting all the Kings and throwing them in the King Bin.
You wake at 5AM to begin another shift in the 'phimosis grating' plant.
James Acaster releases Acasta's Paradise, a cover of Coolio's 90s hit. You'd assume this was done with no small amount of irony, but in fact there is none. There is none irony and he is proud of his song and the accompanying music video, which was widely described as "well, it's not not racist".
Your death threats to Toby Anstiss mutate into a sort of Highland Games themed performance.
You attempt to turn "a Mark Speight" into Cockney rhyming slang for "a masturbate".
Your teddy Poobert is eviscerated at Show and Tell by Year 2 kingpin and strongman Daldon. All laugh.
28 years etc
Mum catches you having a trousers-off wank to the video of your own birth.
Hah
Your piles have grown so big you could fuck people with them. No takers yet though.
You accost a teenage girl in a Nirvana t-shirt for knowing nothing about their music and are forced to spend the next 6 hours listening to her read her Krist Novoselic fanfic.
a PPI nostalgia cash-in single gets to number 3 in the charts
Ending it all after not getting an Andy Capp reference made by the compere at a raffle.
Quote from: petrilTanaka on October 07, 2021, 01:31:37 PM
a PPI nostalgia cash-in single gets to number 3 in the charts
Great
Brian from Guildford remortgages his house to finance a project he will only describe as "MEGA-CHODE".
"Hiya tapeworm mate."
your brother joins in a technical conversation by making a superficial gag about every term that comes up
You delay filing divorce proceedings in order to buy tickets for a Bang Face Weekender.
Euphoria surely
A sports day ends in tragedy after the fatal stabbing of unpopular school mascot Dogbert.
Moving on from calling people you don't like membranes so fast that you start shortening it to mem even though culturally membrane hasn't caught on yet as an insult
Stray dog sex tourism in Manila.
A notated map of your many skin tags fails to woo your grief counsellor.
Last night's revelry can merely be described as 'weary shenanigans'.
Going into the office on the Saturday and Sunday to use the toilet because 'the facilities are frankly just better'.
excited for tomorrow on social media because he's launching some new patter
Being moved to tears by a cretin's one man performance of Das Rheingold
Your IBS has gotten so bad your intestines are now wrapping themselves around your glansack.
Quote from: Cuellar on October 12, 2021, 02:51:49 PM
Being moved to tears by a cretin's one man performance of Das Rheingold
Have you heard Georg Solti's recordings of the cretin? Mind blowing.
A semi-professional footballer dies from severe head injuries after trying to run through brick walls for the manager
Quote from: Shoulders?-Stomach! on October 12, 2021, 09:56:23 AM
Going into the office on the Saturday and Sunday to use the toilet because 'the facilities are frankly just better'.
When I lived in a student house this scenario was a real thing.
Belted up the arse by Dog the Bounty Hunter while he repeats all of his catchphrases in order: "Hunter? Hardly knew her," "the Bounty Bars are on me," "woof".
You sit at home, all glum!
A fan club devoted to wanking over madhair's comics calls itself 'The Merry Men'.
You and your friends recreate The Contest from Seinfeld except with shitting.
You become so bored that you actually start to physically devolve into grains of pittance.
Your hipster wank band uses Talkboys for microphones.
Quote from: pancreas on October 12, 2021, 10:11:17 PM
A fan club devoted to wanking over madhair's comics calls itself 'The Merry Men'.
The fan club comprises madhair alone and Merry Men is what he calls his two testicles and when he wanks to completion over his latest release he does a little wink and says "just spaffed out another one, eh, readers?" to no one.
Your hutch from where you hawk copies of the Yorkshire Evening Post to shuffling wretches of the high street tips over from being minority bird shit in composition to majority.
Your tapeworm checks out of your anus and chooses Putney instead.
Quote from: touchingcloth on October 12, 2021, 11:17:15 PM
Your hipster wank band uses Talkboys for microphones.
Quote from: touchingcloth on October 12, 2021, 10:39:12 PM
You and your friends recreate The Contest from Seinfeld except with shitting.
Slap bassing sounds on the pan as it cracks, sending pungent effluent into your dingy bedsit. The groan of the rusty water coursing around is captured by the Talkboy which is deemed the only listenable part of your latest EP.
Happy Slapped by Grayson Perry in full regalia.
Your obituary in the local paper refers to you as 'a wanker of seismic proportions'.
Quote from: dex on October 13, 2021, 07:01:22 PM
Slap bassing sounds on the pan as it cracks, sending pungent effluent into your dingy bedsit. The groan of the rusty water coursing around is captured by the Talkboy which is deemed the only listenable part of your latest EP.
Say did you ever notice how shitting sounds when it's slowed down on a Talkboy? What's the deal with that?
An ill-fated expedition sees you left for dead in the Sahara by the original lineup of Carter the Unstoppable Sex Machine.
Your mail order bride is stuck on a container ship off Felixstowe.
Your ma's anus appears on google maps as a local point of interest (busier than usual).
A Brian Conley obsessive with a fucked liver goes on a Bradley Walsh tangent for a bit before regaining focus in the final stretch.
Your ejaculate somehow spells out "GUEST STARRING ANNE REID" across your tummy after every wank for three years.
A bout of despair is lifted by the punching of your glandpods.
Your mother fucks your gaoler in a lagoon full of blood.
Quote from: Twit 2 on October 14, 2021, 08:05:44 PM
Your mother fucks your gaoler in a lagoon full of blood.
He gives her a 2/5 on Punternet.
Someone begins to correct you when over Sunday dinner you talk about the "server-side of beef", until you go on to mention the "client-side of all the trimmings".
a man doubles down when his newly launched patter is ignored
Barry of Clydebank spends his weekends polishing his collection of Games Workshop metal figures "to a remarkable shine".
Your new MP for Southend, Dogdon.
(https://pbs.twimg.com/media/FBvo4JBXsAUzyCM?format=jpg&name=large)
Some disappointed Mormons mutter utter doggeral beside an off-licence in Cheshire.
A Hattie Jacques doppelgänger leaves a creamy turd in your dodgem car.
Watching old Met Office weather forecasts and going 'they got that one wrong' then complaining to the BBC.
Greasy shitcakes are the only item on today's menu at The Glum Spoon, Holmfirth.
A dented tin of elbow soup, forgotten in the back of an old zoophile's larder.
LinkedIn list you in the latrine business, no matter where you're employed.
Your son tells you his skull makes him horny.
Des Lynam goes dogging in a car seat.
Norman takes pleasure in knowing that there's a Cup-a-Soup waiting for him when he gets home. He'll enjoy that as he watches racing highlights on his 11" B&W set. Oh wait he had the Cup-a-Soup last night and the telly's on the blink. Shite.
After titling your film "The Chumscrubber", critics describe it as "an appallingly clumsy and stupid take on drugs, kidnapping and suicide. Dreadful, unoriginal, without an original bone in its body or a compelling thought in its head. Insufferable, self-conscious, and smug."
Quote from: touchingcloth on October 17, 2021, 08:41:45 PM
After titling your film "The Chumscrubber", critics describe it as "an appallingly clumsy and stupid take on drugs, kidnapping and suicide. Dreadful, unoriginal, without an original bone in its body or a compelling thought in its head. Insufferable, self-conscious, and smug."
THE CUMSCRUBBERS
The Cum Chums.
Jesus is buffering
(https://pbs.twimg.com/media/FB9fP88XEAUlNs9?format=jpg&name=360x360)
https://twitter.com/JoeBillGibbo/status/1449982385408331776
(https://pbs.twimg.com/media/FB9fRIYWEAEdzY1?format=jpg&name=small)
(https://pbs.twimg.com/media/FB9fR7yWYAIsotI?format=jpg&name=small)
(https://pbs.twimg.com/media/FB9fS3QWEAEH8hA?format=jpg&name=small)
Quote from: Sebastian Cobb on October 18, 2021, 07:20:58 PM
(https://pbs.twimg.com/media/FB9fP88XEAUlNs9?format=jpg&name=360x360)
https://twitter.com/JoeBillGibbo/status/1449982385408331776
(https://pbs.twimg.com/media/FB9fRIYWEAEdzY1?format=jpg&name=small)
(https://pbs.twimg.com/media/FB9fR7yWYAIsotI?format=jpg&name=small)
(https://pbs.twimg.com/media/FB9fS3QWEAEH8hA?format=jpg&name=small)
Which one was you?
the above, but intended to as a comedy character thing
Local man Neggie Ned is thus named because of the selection of negative vibes he produces!
Jeered off the stage while eulogising your daughter.
A leukemia cluster puts your hairdressing salon out of business.
Your family put your obituary in the local paper because they 'needed a lift' and 'just wanted to see it'.
Your frequently mis-specied mother separates Gala pie into segments with her nose.
After a terminal diagnosis, Gerald Ginger dedicates his final days to creating a Mr Benn wiki. It gets no visitors and the hosting eventually lapses. Waste of fucking time.
Your literal interpretation of phrases lands you in trouble again after you spend the whole of your first pay packet on bacon and tickets for a bread raffle.
Quote from: batwings on October 19, 2021, 09:08:48 AM
After a terminal diagnosis, Gerald Ginger dedicates his final days to creating a Mr Benn wiki. It gets no visitors and the hosting eventually lapses. Waste of fucking time.
Superb.
Priced out of the Dublin excrement market and too enervated to move elsewhere, a housefly throws itself into the Liffey.
Free gelding in the car park behind Stickney Mons after 6 pm.
Menses hole in field, plunge limb in, get a prize.
Pint of boiled Marmite in The Red-Faced Bastard.
Barrel of Lynx Madras.
Geoff Coitus shows you round his orphanage for kebab wrappers.
Cheeky drop of hepatitis carousing through the neighbourhood browsing for a mouth to land in. Very professional. Discretion guaranteed.
Ha ha. Disease. With John Stapleton.
Eamon Holmes gets his hand stuck in the burger trap just as the anus owl arrives.
Steak dinner for one at Stickney Post Office & Holocaust Museum.
Partial bee in nettle wife.
Your child turns out to be made entirely of tokens for the pay-and-display car park.
Still, bright side, smash him up and you've got free parking for a year.
Life ebbs away like a sustained piano note motherfucker.
Nasty knob 'eads mutter meanly around a grim shopping precinct, 1972.
Cucked by my son's Syrian hamster.
https://www.bbc.com/news/av/uk-58890914 (https://www.bbc.com/news/av/uk-58890914)
QuoteA man who is believed to have had the heaviest kidneys on record has spoken of his determination to get his life back following surgery to remove them.
A grizzled pervert waits behind an older boiler to catch a glimpse of a passing dog's anus.
Your nan starts referring to the carehome workers as "all them Sucka MCs".
Keggy of Casterbridge keeps counting out the pennies, he's holdin' up thele Tesco queue!
Your family dwelling attains peak homonculus
A boomer vagrant sublets his escarpment hovel to a millennial couple.
Your parakeet leaves you for a Dogecoin millionaire.
You wait for the yoga instructor to say "now get into down dog" so you can use this as your cue for fucking freshly-euthanised Beryl.
Cup of lukewarm piss on a frosty Christmas morn.
The government promises a small portion of cheese strings be allotted to those "who gave a little bit of assistance in this time of mild 'crisis".
Quote from: Glebe on October 21, 2021, 04:53:39 PM
The government promises a small portion of cheese strings be allotted to those "who gave a little bit of assistance in this time of mild 'crisis".
Whole sachets of Cheese Strings, or strings peeled from the main cylinder?
Quote from: touchingcloth on October 21, 2021, 05:03:27 PMWhole sachets of Cheese Strings, or strings peeled from the main cylinder?
Clumps of out-of-date cheese strings that fell out of the packets.
Quote from: Glebe on October 21, 2021, 05:06:05 PM
Clumps of out-of-date cheese strings that fell out of the packets.
Can the clumps be pulled into individual strings, or must they be eaten fully-clumped?
Quote from: touchingcloth on October 21, 2021, 05:08:56 PMCan the clumps be pulled into individual strings, or must they be eaten fully-clumped?
You can try, but they're fairly clumped!
Friends describe the woman they've set you up with as "Manningesque".
A Deryck Guyler fanatic emerges early from his pupal case; premature yet viable.
Johnny Morris is disappointed to hear he died in 1999.
Someone with a black pen has converted all the U's in your Scrabble set into Q's.
Troubling signs #12: You lose a protracted argument with your mother's face drawn on a boiled egg with magic marker.
Catfished by a flatworm.
A crematorium runs out of gas halfway through doing your dad. The attendant rakes out fat and bone and squeezes them into the urn.
Quote from: batwings on October 22, 2021, 08:56:50 AM
Catfished by a flatworm.
Wriggling away in your tagliatelle
After you recall your sexual assault from your drip, your mum reminds you there were good people on both sides.
You wake up with a hangover to Andrew Marr hissing loudly in your face.
You get home from the pub and the only thing on the telly is your dad wanking to Sargon of Akkad.
The council designates the street outside your house as the district's official rutting area for horny alleycats. Also, a hairy German bloke is filming it all.
Quote from: dissolute ocelot on October 23, 2021, 11:11:04 AM
The council designates the street outside your house as the district's official rutting area for horny alleycats. Also, a hairy German bloke is filming it all.
The German bloke asks you, as a native English speaker, to narrate the film.
Soon, alley cat aficionados come to recognise your diffident tones as you describe the onscreen action.
Then the fan mail starts.
Now some wiseacre uses your narration in all sorts of memes and your voice is linked to a barrage of tweeted clips of personal and public events with your narration of the various sex acts of randy felines added in.
You can't leave the house because everyone recognises your voice and ask you to record personal messages for them and get angry when your refuse.
Your corpse is found dangling from the bannister by a super fan who broke into your house.
At your funeral, a clip of you describing a particularly yowlsome bit of business from Alley Cats III is played as your coffin is lowered into the cremation pit.
A white boomer who sports an Afro, wears an unnecessary eye patch, and who molests cabbage-patch kids on Tiktok calls you a weirdo.
Quote from: batwings on October 23, 2021, 03:12:03 PM
A white boomer who sports an Afro, wears an unnecessary eye patch, and who molests cabbage-patch kids on Tiktok calls you a weirdo.
That guy from Dr. Hook's let himself go.
(https://i.redd.it/ahjotpzhv5v71.jpg)
^
Never too late to murder your children.
You nurse an awful hangover while getting nagged to do the hoovering.
A jam sandwich turns out to have a Tampax in it.
Rod Liddle with all tampax down his front
You cannot have that awful mole removed from your face as it has been registered as a listed building and has grade II status.
You are promoted at the Ashfield Conservatoire to the lofty position of polychaete worm
Your mum has divorced your dad so that she can marry you.
You'll have to divorce your brother first mind.
A miserable scrote ruins a child's birthday party by urinating on the Spider-Man cake.
Your gravestone is engraved with nothing more than "Do you not know who Eric Hichmo is?"
A tapas of cardiac arrest
"I want a photograph of you, for my toilet" remains your best chat up line.
your career test at school comes back with one word, and you've made it your greatest work: arsehole
you regret turning down the chance to be a professional contrarian
Quote from: petrilTanaka on October 25, 2021, 12:11:22 AM
you regret turning down the chance to be a professional contrarian
No I don't.
Your request for clemency is denied: another year at WH Smith's it is.
You take the wanking thread literally -ready to boast of your experience on there. Then it hits you of how much of a wanker you are. Its 3 AM in Heacham and this is it.
James Corden, Ricky Gervais, Ed Shearan, Russel Brand and Johnathan Ross all pile back to yours uninvited. As cunty as they all are you are still the cunts cunt of them all.
A wrong turn in a stately home ends up with you being coerced into a human centipede with David Mellor and Nicholas Soames.
You go to the GP, they examine you and say "You've got fleas again you stupid cunt"
Quote from: petrilTanaka on October 25, 2021, 12:09:20 AM
your career test at school comes back with one word, and you've made it your greatest work: arsehole
Goatse the early years.
Soggy toast is the order of the day here in Thurso.
Medical records showing that you were conceived anally are used against you in a parking dispute.
Your wank shrine of Greta Thunbergs face on Germaine Greer is mistakenly submitted as an art piece for a national competition and does rather well.
Sales of your medical forceps go up thousands of percent after a targeted ad campaign directed at people wanting to go "absolutely mental on pick-'n'-mix" during COVID.
Your children's book wins Literary Review's Bad Sex In Fiction award for 2021.
Serious ramifications follow your mooning of a passing Ayatollah.
Hah
your hard work is rewarded with a promotion; your employment advisor will now look at your face and sometimes smile as you sign on
With work as a Bill Maynard lookalike drying up, you decide to pour what remains of your redundancy money into developing an unlicensed Lovejoy board game. It's what the kids are into these days!
Quote from: batwings on October 26, 2021, 03:37:50 PMWith work as a Bill Maynard lookalike drying up, you decide to pour what remains of your redundancy money into developing an unlicensed Lovejoy board game. It's what the kids are into these days!
*applause*
All shitty stuff splatters on your new coat, your new sad anorak coat.
by utter coincidence, a new JRPG turns out to be just The Brittas Empire but with furries
Your glans take on a waxy appearance, and they have indeed turned to wax, and melt when you stand next to a radiator.
your goal in this conversation is to get your dull uncle to say "good band name that" as many times as possible
Ringing Babestation to complain the naked woman isn't wearing a poppy 'or equivalent tattoo'.
Quote from: Shoulders?-Stomach! on October 26, 2021, 10:00:12 PMRinging Babestation to complain the naked woman isn't wearing a poppy 'or equivalent tattoo'.
"You could at least look embarrassed that I caught you, dad!"
"
Stand down, soldier! I mean you son, not..." *pulls up trousers*
Quote from: Shoulders?-Stomach! on October 26, 2021, 10:00:12 PM
Ringing Babestation to complain the naked woman isn't wearing a poppy 'or equivalent tattoo'.
The reply comes back "pay more attention to the areolae, wink," and so you do. For forty straight nights, you do.
Your anus is described as 'greasy' by a parapsychologist.
Stingy portions of mouldy stew are doled out to nearby sycophants.
You become a late-in-life fluffer.
Uncle Ged 'had it up to here with gypsies' Moore
1953-2006
'He loved sitting here'
Cold dark and rainy, Happy Anniversary numbnuts!
A Portuguese Man 'o Pause
When asked why you're so keen to work for the chemical toilet emptying company you become necessarily evasive.
Carol Malone coughs up a long furry pellet into a waste-paper bin, like some oversized and mean-spirited barn owl.
Quote from: batwings on October 29, 2021, 03:33:56 PMCarol Malone coughs up a long furry pellet into a waste-paper bin, like some oversized and mean-spirited barn owl.
Dunno who Carol Malone is but that's exceptional!
thanks! It should be 'Carole', actually. You're best off not knowing.
The first thing you do after hearing of your father's death is to write a message here (https://www.cookdandbombd.co.uk/forums/index.php/topic,86866.0.html).
Life imitating deso (https://www.bbc.com/news/uk-england-somerset-59096177):
Quote
A woman has been found guilty of murder after stabbing her husband to death following a row over a birthday meal.
The killing followed a row over a serving of bubble and squeak with a gourmet meal bought for them by their daughter.
The pair had eaten the meal with their daughter and son-in-law, Isabelle and Tom Potterton, on a Zoom call as the birthday took place in lockdown.
Lock the thread.
(https://pbs.twimg.com/media/FC3Lw12WQAIqzSm?format=jpg&name=900x900)
Turned down from Costa Barista for being deemed 'Bit transy'
A good day to bury peak deso news (https://www.bbc.com/news/uk-northern-ireland-59094609):
Quote
A County Down singer who appeared on BBC show The Voice has been found guilty of exposing himself in view of a 12-year-old girl.
The jury rejected his claim that he had not been masturbating in his mother's sports car but had been strumming a miniature guitar.
"Honestly My Lord, I was just playing with my banjo string."
For a sec I thought it was a band called A County Down
"Masturbating in your mother's sports car" somehow sounds like a euphemism, though I'm not sure what it would be for. A more profane version of shitting on your own doorstep, perhaps.
Foetid nonsense hangs around Burnley and generally causes a stink in the sadder regions.
You deliver a eulogy to your encancered father in what you think will be an amusing Jamaican patois
A nonce delegate in a condemned Premier Inn slams a turd gateaux up a vent.
The audience at a proctology conference is stunned into an appalled silence by the slideshow of your latest prolapse.
Imagining the familial resentment that could have been generated if only you bought that special edition Wallace and Gromit Monopoly.
A Halloween firework flies up your arse and sends you hurtling into some nonces recreating 'Thriller'.
Quote from: touchingcloth on October 29, 2021, 05:58:38 PM
The first thing you do after hearing of your father's death is to write a message here (https://www.cookdandbombd.co.uk/forums/index.php/topic,86866.0.html).
The first thing you do on getting a message from your dad about your mum dying is post about it in that thread
(me, just now, and it genuinely did happen (https://www.cookdandbombd.co.uk/forums/index.php?topic=86866.msg4736387#msg4736387)).
Are you serious Jenna? If so fuck's sake my deepest condolences and hugs mate.
yeah, and my dad really is that clueless.
Thanks, Glebe.
My family is so fucking ridiculous - my grandad died soon after (a) Christmas, my gran decided to top that by dropping dead one Easter Sunday, and my mum's just died just before Halloween.
This is all true (it wasn't all the same year or anything).
- eta: maybe I should take bets on my dad dying on/around any festivals we've got left.
I don't remember the offical stages of grief involving mass hysteria and dumb memes but 'you do you' - said to myself.
Real life genuine deso hilarity that happened when I was a kid, my mum genuinely was so fat she got stuck in the turnstile for the Weston-Super-Mare Pier ghost train, and I drew a stick man picture of it, for the 'what you did over the weekend' thing we had to do at Primary school.
You want to be fisted but don't have the guts to go the whole hog, so rope a baby into it. Their hands are smaller, it makes perfect sense.
Ole Gunnar Solskjær is still in a job.
Quote from: Shoulders?-Stomach! on November 02, 2021, 08:57:27 PM
You want to be fisted but don't have the guts to go the whole hog, so rope a baby into it. Their hands are smaller, it makes perfect sense.
It's not guts you need. It's sphincter.
one of your bollocks successfully secedes
Belted up the arse with hellish automaton fury by a reanimated Terry Nutkins
Quote from: jenna appleseed on October 31, 2021, 09:39:49 PM
Real life genuine deso hilarity that happened when I was a kid, my mum genuinely was so fat she got stuck in the turnstile for the Weston-Super-Mare Pier ghost train, and I drew a stick man picture of it, for the 'what you did over the weekend' thing we had to do at Primary school.
Condolences. I once got stuck on a motorbike ride at Flamingo Land and had to be prodded out by staff with brooms whilst Geordies laughed. Height more than girth was my downfall :(
Skipping your child's birthday party because your LinkedIn activity "is going mental!"
Quote from: FerriswheelBueller on November 03, 2021, 04:33:43 PM
Skipping your child's birthday party because your LinkedIn activity "is going mental!"
But before you leave the partygoers to their own devices, asking Pogo the Clown for his LinkedIn.
Quote from: touchingcloth on November 03, 2021, 04:38:08 PM
But before you leave the partygoers to their own devices, asking Pogo the Clown for his LinkedIn.
Pogo strokes his red nose and will only agree if he can belt you up the shitter. On his unicycle.
Quote from: FerriswheelBueller on November 03, 2021, 04:33:43 PM
Skipping your child's birthday party because your LinkedIn activity "is going mental!"
This is great
listening to a post-There's No One Quite Like Grandma generation of the St Winifred's School Choir cover Bright Eyes on spotify. (https://open.spotify.com/track/5GsVxL5NpXxx67rk6t1Apt?si=78e8abcde86540f1)
eta: and their vaguely depressing version of Dancing Queen off the same album.
More St Winifred's School choir 1991 edition deso - there's something horrible wrong about bland/cluelessly innocent stage school kids singing Whistle While You Work. (also why did everybody in the 80s/90s keep getting the lyrics to Heigh Ho wrong? remember seeing a reissue of Snow White at the cinema, and confused/disapointed they were singing "...home from work we go". eta: turns out they do briefly sing (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5lYe-0CLXrs)"off to work we go" as a reprise.)
*now shouting fuck off at the smug/twee girl singing When You Wish Upon A Star*
Also -
Grandma, We Hate You, Grandma We Do.
There's no-one quite like Grandma, she's a bigoted old cunt.
Yes I did buy a still in print & available in Smiths (or was it Woolworths?) original children and grandma round the fireplace cover copy of Grandma We Love You for my gran some point later in the 80s, before realising she was an emotionally abusive racist.
Grandad we love you, you Dad's Army bumbler!
Quote from: Glebe on November 04, 2021, 07:29:22 PM
Grandad we love you, you Dad's Army bumbler!
inexplicably both got played to us in mid to late 80s Primary school assemblies (when it wasn't the take off your shoes and calmly sit down probably cross-legged find your shoes and leave intro/outro music that turned out to be from The Deer Hunter (or not as it then turned out to be written & released before it).
According to discogs Grandma and Grandad both got reissued together as a single that was also a Christmas card.
Was very confusing discovering the Clive Dunn song was a) older than the tv series nobody remembers and b) even older than me.
Probably not even Clive Dun remembered being in Grandad, it doesn't even get a wiki page.
(I watched it. He had educated feet apparently. There was one episode where he pretended he'd lost his memory which led to a joke about milk of amnesia being for forgetful stomachs. Grandad holding a bottle of Milk of Magnesia while a random member of staff tried to humour him.)
Quote from: Glebe on November 04, 2021, 07:29:22 PM
Grandad we love you, you Dad's Army bumbler!
Belted up the arse by Pike while Clive Dunn watches, wanking.
Quote from: touchingcloth on November 04, 2021, 09:31:19 PM
Belted up the arse by Pike while Clive Dunn watches, wanking.
Don't tell 'em you came, Pike.
Corporal Jones runs in happily waving a dildo
"They do like it up 'em."
Oh wait Corporal Jones was Clive Dunn wasn't it.
Frazer runs in wildly waving a giant dildo "we're bummed. Bummmmmmmmmmed I tell you".
(Private Sponge from Dad's Army) Colin flicks the Bean.
Hodges demands they "Put that light out!" during a group orgy, he prefers sex in the dark.
Mrs Mannering sits on Arthurs face.
John Le Mesurier and Janet Davies borrow the BBC cameras to film themselves making a new baby to play a sibling for Pike.
Do you like it up you, you stupid boy?
Somebody on wikipedia (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_Dad%27s_Army_characters) is a bit over interested in the vicar's sexuality and whether Captain Mainwaring is being domestically abused.
New page Dad's army.
Making multiple posts on a 'comedy' forum re hopefully imaginary Dad's Army porn. (ooh meta).
All stinking shitty stuff does get on your new jeans that looked shite to begin with.
Quote from: Glebe on November 04, 2021, 09:59:56 PM
All stinking shitty stuff does get on your new jeans that looked shite to begin with.
Is that a Mainwaring quote?
The reading at your funeral is I Wish I'd Looked After Me Teeth.
Quote from: touchingcloth on November 04, 2021, 10:15:54 PM
The reading at your funeral is I Wish I'd Looked After Me Teeth.
Me and my toothless mouth feels targeted.
Inspired by Touching Cloth's new avatar & how it really does look like a cross between McCartney and the COD.
Paul performs a special tribute version of Her Majesty at The Queens funeral, he'd added an extra line or two about how he wants to shag her even more, now she's a corpse like.
McCartney then tries to get all the royals to join on on the na na nahs in Hey Jude.
Quote from: touchingcloth on November 04, 2021, 10:02:07 PMIs that a Mainwaring quote?
Indeed! Can you guess what sitcom this one is from?:
"This time next year we will be covered in stinking diahorrea, Rodney Trotter!"
Quote from: Glebe on November 04, 2021, 11:32:33 PM
Indeed! Can you guess what sitcom this one is from?:
"This time next year we will be covered in stinking diahorrea, Rodney Trotter!"
Burns and Allen?
Quote from: touchingcloth on November 05, 2021, 12:08:39 AMBurns and Allen?
Sorry TC it's actually Fletch (Ronnie Corbett) in
Porridge episode 'A Quiet Night in an Anus'.
Your left testicle drops off just as the Cunt of the Year Award is hung around your neck.
The tube tethering you to life posts:
😊😊all snug xxxx love a duvet day👌💕💕
Your corpse is humiliated even though you are very much alive.
A Richard Hammond completist.
An overbearing blacksmith gleefully hogs the coinstar machine in a Yeovil supermarket.
Simon Mayo cries into a batch of chicken dippers.
A load of hogs pile on you at a depressing farm outside Exeter.
A whole 2 of airtime by Steve Lamacq devoted to finding out the mean number of chips in a portion from a chippie post gig.
You live in Sutton Coldfield and win a jet ski on Bullseye, so you fucking kill yourself, don't you?
Quote from: FerriswheelBueller on November 06, 2021, 08:41:44 PM
Not since 2006 mate.
That's what you think. Look around you.
Look.
...oh god
Shitty crappy hamburgers. Two for a tenner.
https://twitter.com/Joachym7/status/1457223483868450816?t=TZUctf1DDA1pgSIdUJE8Pw&s=19
You are relegated from Scottish League Two because of unspecified 'irregularities'
Your face gets filled with buckshot from Anthea Turner's piss and cum cavities.
Quote from: Shoulders?-Stomach! on November 07, 2021, 11:24:23 AM
Your face gets filled with buckshot from Anthea Turner's piss and cum cavities.
I can tell you for nowt that my face is bigger than her fanny. She could half fill it at best.
Your new blog 'Aubrey's Crisp Packets Through the Years' gets 0 hits sorry Aubrey.
You find out your butcher has been basing his sausage casings on your phimosis.
Harry Potter and the Confused Male.
Quote from: Glebe on November 07, 2021, 04:40:27 PM
Harry Potter and the Confused Male.
Harry Potter and the Adult Human Female.
Charry Potskin and the Napalm Attack on The School :( x
Shitty, it seems, the evening: your arse is getting itchier and there's naught but stale porridge for tea, m'lud!
Your anus becomes one with the universe. The rest of you does not.
Quote from: touchingcloth on November 07, 2021, 06:52:40 PMYour anus becomes one with the universe. The rest of you becomes an anus.
Shit in the sink. And its the kitchen one again.
Ughh, all rotten egg sandwiches and the shittiest life!
A major guff covers the land in darkness.
A lackadaisical Terry Nutkins stalker upon checking the naturalist and television presenter's Wikipedia page: "Hmm. That explains a lot".
You find a shoe lace in one of your gock creases.
You wake up and all your fingers are flaccid penises.
Normally when I wake up my penis fingers are rigid and spunky.
Such a shitty afternoon, hail, rain, wind, diarrhoea, massive depression and all the trimmings!
Grey clouds, exhausted, 'naffed' off!
A life spent entirely in the confines of Hurworth-on-Tees.
You're out of milk so a stale cob of bread will have to suffice this morn in the Maisonette of Doom.
Spending some quality 'me time' in the under stairs cupboard for about a week.
You go into work with all sticky cum legs. They can all smell it, "Fuck's sake mate, have a shower."
Yakult finally admit they've been using bad bacteria this whole time
Something horrible, something one might describe as "DESO, mate!"
As you walk in, the Bum-Doctor visibly grimaces.
The weather: gloomy!
People aren't standing in silence because it's Remembrance Day, they're just very disappointed in you.
You are remanded in custody under the name 'Booster Geggins'.
A sexual encounter at a Toby Carvery
(real life inspiration - I was at a Toby Carvery earlier and there was a condom machine in the toilets so it clearly is a scenario that has been envisioned)
You jam four frozen chips together to give the illusion of a single very long chip, and for the next fortnight, three weeks this becomes your main wanking material.
It's the nod of the head and Mavis next door casts disapproving shame on you.
Your "re-imagining" of Sympathy for the Devil (working title: Nuance for the Nonce) ends with a tabloid hate campaign and custodial sentence.
The password for picking up your child from nursery is the entire Book of Revelation.
Quote from: FerriswheelBueller on November 12, 2021, 04:03:36 PM
Your "re-imagining" of Sympathy for the Devil (working title: Nuance for the Nonce) ends with a tabloid hate campaign and custodial sentence.
Laughed
a Freeview channel is hacked by pirates for a few hours a night; the owners are quietly happy they can save a bit on running costs
Quote from: Shoulders?-Stomach! on November 12, 2021, 05:22:20 PM
Laughed
I was writing that instead of coming up with a time-sensitive research proposal.
Hilarious!
You lose a bet with Nestle over how many foetus ankles you can fit in a sardine tin.
Quote from: Shoulders?-Stomach! on November 13, 2021, 10:17:51 AMYou lose a bet with Nestle over how many foetus ankles you can fit in a sardine tin.
As a forfeit you are made into powdered milk and sold to the third world.
The association of licensed victuallers falcon punches your cat in the testes.
Oh! Oh dear! Everything is shit and miserable! Fuck my life!
Quote from: Glebe on November 13, 2021, 08:14:14 PM
Oh! Oh dear! Everything is shit and miserable! Fuck my life!
Said Thomas
and The Fat Controller.
(said Ringo)
Taking months to painstakingly digitise your off-air vhs recordings of Heartbeat. You already have the DVD box set you daft twat!
Your marriage breaks down over your violent insistence that an actor called Bernard Coleslaw appeared in several Carry On films.
Swindon, 1:35am. An out of shape Chico impersonator suffers a crushing wave of ennui while passing through a pissy underpass.
It's only already pissy because Chico decided it was pisso time.
"This is gonna be great! First family holiday since before the pandemic!"
"Sir, is this your strap on?"
The feedback on your application for the position of Junior SQL Server Administrator in the Packaging Department at Dr Oetker simply says "wormfuck".
At the memory clinic, your dad is trying to fend off doubts about his recall by listing every Men Only Babe of the Month for 1981.
In your nonce confession to the police they sit there for two hours listening to you go off on a tangent about Club Reps .
The EDL smash up a dementia ward for inadequate remembrance.
One of your daughter's pallbearers has a visible erection and then the vicar keeps using her coffin as a prop for knock knock jokes. Otherwise, good service.
In your first appearance on Come Dine With Me, you die after eating cum. And don't even get a chance to serve four Bristolians milk-white oven chips.
The airline you are traveling with hacks off your arms and one leg "for your comfort and convenience"
Andrew Marr demolishing an Egg McMuffin in Stowbridge.
Your cancer's on Twitter
Quote from: Glebe on November 14, 2021, 03:46:38 PM
Andrew Marr demolishing an Egg McMuffin in Stowbridge.
You source the photos and just ping pong your head between that and Miliband on a bacon sandwich while lugging your fist over your dick. It's the only way you can achieve orgasm these days.
Quote from: touchingcloth on November 14, 2021, 11:59:24 PMYou source the photos and just ping pong your head between that and Miliband on a bacon sandwich while lugging your fist over your dick. It's the only way you can achieve orgasm these days.
If that doesn't do it you'll have to bring out the big guns, such as your zoom lens photo of Dominic Cummings working his way through a ham and cheese bagel in a small cafe in Droitwich.
Quote from: Catalogue of ills on November 14, 2021, 08:49:38 AM
At the memory clinic, your dad is trying to fend off doubts about his recall by listing every Men Only Babe of the Month for 1981.
Your dad's so confused he's got lost trying to find the your dad thread.
Real life discogs desco
Getting an alert re Peter Gabriel's ep I Don't Remember, and thinking out loud "I don't remember putting that in my want list"
Pottering around aimlessly in front of the patient, inevitable void.
You confuse pan pipes with bagpipes and your relaxing bath turns into The Battle of Stirling Bridge.
Quote from: dissolute ocelot on November 15, 2021, 11:37:16 AM
You confuse pan pipes with bagpipes and your relaxing bath turns into The Battle of Stirling Bridge.
As a consequence, the following day you do the full Braveheart speech on the bus when told the fare has gone up by 5p.
Later, you're forced to abandon a date with the words "sorry about your minge"
They're building a new sewer and you've been hired as the fatberg
The realization that a lethal pandemic is better estimated in length by a deso thread on CaB reaching 100 pages than by the government currently coordinating the response.
A week long IBS bout ends in you ramming a plunger up your anus.
Off to Oxfam to donate your perished condoms.
https://www.instagram.com/p/CWSm1O5M1bc/
Quote from: Shameless Custard on November 16, 2021, 01:05:43 PM
https://www.instagram.com/p/CWSm1O5M1bc/
Opening night in Walsall. God have mercy.
"You didn't ask, and we imagined"
I haven't clicked through because I don't need that in my history, but a search result shows this from their Acast listing:
Quote
For nearly 10 years, Will Mellor and Ralf Little were the voice of a generation - notorious for pushing the boundaries of acceptable humour on British TV. After multiple failed attempts to reunite them, the boys are finally back! Join Will and Ralf as they chat sh*t to each other, to fellow celebs and to guests with fascinating stories to tell...all over two pints and a helping of bar snacks.
Which generation were they the voice of, exactly?
Lol only two pints. And I bet that's of shandy!
Two pricks!!!!!!!!
To conceal a fart you bulk erase your friends and family.
You catch SIDS from having unprotected sex.
A borstal smells of flatulence.
On your 30th birthday, your terrifying mother insists on wheeling you around town in a specially-built pram, cajoling strangers to coo at you.
Quote from: batwings on November 17, 2021, 10:05:44 AMOn your 30th birthday, your terrifying mother insists on wheeling you around town in a specially-built pram, cajoling strangers to coo at you.
"Hasn't he grown big? A-coochie coochie coo!"
Your seasonal affective disorder manifests in glueing your anus shut between September and March.
An Exeter bookseller's Tudor-style window features a 'No Koran or The Talmud' sign.
"All's well that ends well," says mum on leaving your deathbed room, heading to Frankie N Benny's
In November 2020, the man from mcfly partnered with McDonald's to include his series of children's books in their happy meals.
A stale whiff brings you back to the winter you worked in the shittiest industrial estate ever, a bleak, Victorian misery cloud passing briefly with the memory.
QuoteA whale stiff brings you back to the winter you worked in the shittiest industrial estate ever, a bleak, Victorian misery cloud passing briefly with the memory.
You suffer a violent battering at a local Wimpy shortly before closing time. It is Christmas Eve. You were awaiting a remittance. Your mind dashes to the yellowed pseudometallic plastic of the cashpoint outside as an army torch's bulbous end is used to give you the absolute fucking shoeing of a lifetime.
You awaken, cold and afraid, in the gutter outside. Your concealed nine milimeter clatters free of the waistband as you shiver in the December air. There is no snow to soften the sensation of skull against concrete. There is only the bitter chill of your own coagulated head-blood. You rasp a breath that feels like drinking broken glass, and wonder if the Oddbins will be open. Darkness encroaches. Your last thoughts of cheap brandy.
Body undiscovered until January 2nd.
The Mayor of Rotherham designates the area behind Halfords an "International Belming Zone".
Quote from: FerriswheelBueller on November 18, 2021, 01:59:45 PMA whale stiff brings you back to the winter you worked in the shittiest industrial estate ever, a bleak, Victorian misery cloud passing briefly with the memory.
Heh!
You get 'back on the horse' but the horse throws you off and you land in a ditch filled with despondency and drudge.
Gran spunks your inheritance on John Torode's OnlyFans
A Mike Harding fan event ends with a disgusting tirade about Tony Hart and somebody vomiting on a wacky invention.
Flying over the bonnet of a hijacked taxi, you remember only Russ Abbot's Atmosphere.
"Hang on these aren't my underpants!"
"They're the underpants of a wanted bugger sir. Please come quietly."
You pop Grand Theft Auto: Dunstable into your Phony Babestation. A quick twist of the analogue stick and your Funt Pento is speeding into the pedestrian district. Sighing like a butcher hearing the approach of the Christmas turkey run, you unzip your trousers and begin stroking in time with the chorus of thuds and splats.
Some Barnsley creep is shitting naked on a frozen family of four on a winter layby near Thurrock.
Quote from: FerriswheelBueller on November 18, 2021, 02:16:44 AMIn November 2020, the man from mcfly partnered with McDonald's to include his series of children's books in their happy meals.
Sorry just to point out this is absolutely true.
You spend all your universal credit buying feet pics from your restart officer.
You replace your toilet with a greedy Boglin.
Quote from: Shameless Custard on November 16, 2021, 01:05:43 PMhttps://www.instagram.com/p/CWSm1O5M1bc/
Just English cities on that tour, strange.
Belted up the arse by Plzensky Prazdroj Brewmaster Vaclav Berka. It starts consensually then.. Tails off.
Rogered to death in the toilets of a Fine Young Cannibals reunion.
A piss fetishist so hated even the lead singer of Brass Against refuses to piss on you, even after she's pulled you on stage and set you on fire.
Poorly maintained bicycle
A Grey cloud forms into the words 'not arsed'.
Lockdown goes on forever, with environmental collapse resulting in a nuclear winter. Happy days are here again!
The main topic of conversation at your mother's wake is how much your girlfriend resembles a tired Bungle.
On his 60th birthday, a Mormon virgin has difficulty choosing which head wife to imagine having sex with.
Peckle's collection of hole punch stubs he was saving for grave blow away in the wind. 10 days later after they are all gathered up across 4 postcodes, it happens again.
Swept off your feet by a man with no belly button. Before you know it he owns half the bungalow.
Because of you a No Twerking sign has gone up in the chemo ward.
It's down to you to arrange the funeral of your father, Reg Bates, inventor of the I Shame Your Weight machine, but you can't find a flatbed lorry big enough to take the coffin.
You change your name by deed poll to Brian Fatwa, then immediately issue a fatwa demanding that the solicitor change your name without delay to Brian Edict.
you shout into the void and it just repeats it back to you in a sarcastic, childish tone
Richard Madeley visits you in a dream and won't leave.
You outstay your welcome in a hospice. Everyone's counting the days. Can't wait to see the back of you.
Ironically, you have no one to turn too after being sacked by the Samaritans for telling callers to 'cheer up, it might never happen'.
Mick Hucknall slowly feeds himself feet-first into a woodchipper after discovering that he has 350 illegitimate children to pay child support to.
A diet of stale horse anus results in a new kind of IBS that baffles the arse world.
As the doctor leans across your bed on end ward 6, you notice the writing on the pad he is clutching where he describes your terminal illness being 'funny as fuck'.
Oh dear me I'm trying my best but life keeps fucking me over love it!
Winnie the Pooh sex tape leaks.
Shaun Murphy colorectal lucid dream
The nearly motherless hill of shit you have established acquaintance with kidnaps your pet dwarf on a 6 month secondment gassing badgers near Crewe.
A chance hearing of the S Club 7 song "Bring It All Back" does in fact bring it all back (your son's death by drowning)
you discover your nickname at work is Technobabble
you discover your nickname at work is Paedophile
You pick a bogey but no wait, it isn't a bogey, it is words spelling out NONCE
You and your dad are canned from Gogglebox before ever making it to air after spending your first night recording ignoring the tapes provided by the crew in favour of watching Jack Whitehall: Travels With My Father while every five minutes your dad comments that "I'd say you're more like the father, and I'm more like Jack!"
A minor Tolkien corners you in The Eagle and Child and drunkenly expounds on how Legolas is "just Elvish for Gary" before soiling himself.
Eagle and Child is closed - one for the Euphoria thread
Swabbed in prison
Eggy the Local spaffs 20 quid on a Rowan & Martin's Laugh-In VHS boxset he doesn't even need.
A chiding lady with genuine clairvoyant abilities describes her latest glimpse into the future as featuring "draconian meltdown".
Your heartfelt appeal for a continuation of benefits is dismissed as "Utter shash".
"That slush contains shit. Yeah, that's dog shit."
First day on the job too. Its gonna be a long winter!
Laughed out of Homebase for not knowing about primer.
Bought new earbuds, they're broken (real life deso).
So threadless and wan that your big investment, a team bonding centre PISSER ZONE isn't even spelt correctly.
A vegan blowjob made of wind.
Your nervous anxiety evolves into an actual living being and start badgering you for food stamps.
Airport shuttle bus driver stops the vehicle and chokeslams a screaming baby into pram grave. After the death he does the whole 'pointing at you, you're next' thing at a Malian.
You are forced into a loveless marriage to a block of tofu, which leaves half-cups of tea out to go stone cold so often, you can only presume it's deliberate.
Wake in Birmingham NCP. Wiping up tears with parking receipts, smell 'reminds me of Dad'
"Dad was very particular about which NCP"
There shittest git in town shambles up to you and starts gurning in your depressed face, another fine day in Shittigan's Village!
As Christmas approaches, a deep dread forms within Eamonn Holmes' primary tapeworm.
The Society of Pub Homunculi convene an exceptional general meeting to eject you for being 'a bit too much of an homunculus'
That horrible, sweaty shitty smell that comes from your "inny" bellybutton is bottled up and put into your Glade plug-ins.
You wake from a dream of eating a delicious baguette to find the baby's arm is gone.
Chris 'Penis' Johnson deems you unworthy of respect
Nothing like a bit of peace and quiet - but it's too quiet, and I am become bored and anxious!
If you're not going to finish that out-of-date scotch egg, Neggie Bumpkins will have it!
A flaccid glans earns you two weeks on the duncing stool.
After reading a story in the local paper, you resolve to up your domestic violence game.
Craig of Sheffield lives in fear of being accused of noncery.
A children's party clown is dragged out of his car and drubbed senseless with a pipe by botherer bastards on his way to a party.
Laughing raucously, the CEO of The Bastard Company signs off on yet another thousand killings.
What you hoped was a rubber jonny floating toward you during a dawnlight Channel swim turns out to be a severed hand.
Your screams go unheard as your corkscrewing body is hurtled from your starship cockpit, into the humming laser grid of a payday loan billboard.
Your colongender mate ostracises you from a sex party for not being anus enough.
Quote from: H-O-W-L on November 28, 2021, 03:57:17 PMLaughing raucously, the CEO of The Bastard Company signs off on yet another thousand killings.
Very good
Your bad mood won't shift and eventually just moves in with you.
A sobbing seaside donkey picks you out of the police line-up without hesitation. He's still wearing his little straw hat with holes for his ears to poke out, the ones your brain deemed so provocative.
Your new energy deal has the title 'Punishment, Suffering and Despair Tariff'.
Quote from: Cuellar on November 26, 2021, 09:53:07 PMThe Society of Pub Homunculi convene an exceptional general meeting to eject you for being 'a bit too much of an homunculus'
Very good, I like
Belted up the arse by Robson while Jerome watches, fapping away with a face like fucking thunder.
Greggs disaster leaves kitchen staff in tears, manager disconsolate and several customers covered in human excrement.
You hold the gun to your head, screaming at the police barricade as chintzy hold music continues to boom through the phone in your other hand. You've still got a chance at winning a five-star funeral from Buggernuts FM.
Your eyes glaze over as your son takes another revolution inside the autoclave.
Russell Grant returns, glistening.
You're waiting at Warrington Central while the girl who's about to dump you is pulling into Warrington Bank Quay.
Boris Johnson's hatches a plan to improve the moral of the nation and it basically boils down to a single crate of brown ale to left in Trafalgar Square. "First come first served."
Your wife leaves you for a cryptobiotic tardigrade.
Todd from Prestwick is completely obsessed with the actor Anthony Quinn and has made a creepy Anthony Quinn papier-mâché mask which he wears when he wants to impress prospective victims girlfriends.
A meal deal ends spuriously with a vomiting fit and the doubtful gaze of a farting clown.
Gwent reproduces.
Harold ponders his only pound coin. 'Toilet paper or reduced burrito?' he asks himself. 'Toilet paper or reduced burrito?'
He chooses poorly.
Tom Watson has a raclette-induced breakdown in Waitrose.
Quote from: buttgammon on November 30, 2021, 11:45:24 AMTom Watson has a raclette-induced breakdown in Waitrose.
Paddy Power gives punters a 4 to 1 special that he makes it through treatment ok.
A twat from a libertarian think tank gleefully kicks Greyfriars Bobby in the face while demanding the statue to "get a real job and stop sponging".
Pat Smear releases his own brand smear tests.
Another cold night in the Lamacq household after Steve bars entry to a plumber who can't name a single top 40 record made by someone who was Gas Safe registered.
^ good
"Wazzup?! David Brent here have a fantastic birthday Greg!"
"You don't even sound like the cunt."
Jim Davidson watch party.
Maintenance wank. Needed doing. Barely registered.
"Your Great Uncle Donal has passed on."
"That's terrible but you've ruined the wank I was preparing for, Dad. I'm hanging up now. Still gonna make a go off it, I've got a full sack."
As the rectal cancer finishes its work devouring your colon and your whole life force, the last thing you hear as you slip into the ever after is Paddy McGuinness saying "ding dang doo", and the last thought you ever have is "why is Paddy McGuinness in my hospital room, and is that his finger in my anus?" You never find out, of course, but the answer on both counts is "yes".
A Negative Nell discourages you from fulfilling your dreams and your life is soon a total failure on every level.
Every time a woman comments on the tiny proportions of your manhood you try and explain it in terms of the Observer Effect and Heisenberg Uncertainty Principle, and this explanation turns a statistically significant proportion of women on.
Your next door neighbour greets you as you leave the house with two fried eggs attached to her eyes, "for a laugh". You'll never get over this and will need intense psychotherapy for many many years.
Your oncologist is a relentless gloater. "I'm incorrigible!" he exclaims, after gleefully advising you against buying a new diary.
A spider trapped in a hoarder's biscuit barrel has a better Thursday than you.
A hermit's cock dangles forlornly for decades, unattended, undiscovered.
A forcibly retired postman still goes out on his morning route, pushing handfuls of moss through everyone's letterboxes.
Quote from: buttgammon on November 30, 2021, 11:45:24 AMTom Watson has a raclette-induced breakdown in Waitrose.
Tom Watson sears his foot on the professional raclette grill (https://www.wayfair.co.uk/Cooks-Professional--Raclette-G1288-L827-K~EWEB1107.html?refid=GX200082349816-EWEB1107&device=c&ptid=836855007535&targetid=aud-1216588209292:pla-836855007535&network=g&ireid=95661578&device=c&gclid=Cj0KCQiA-qGNBhD3ARIsAO_o7ynMaBxmr1ND7AI0AZw_Dh_b7IEv5QgiVuS-VC_LrP9GqSZ-3kLHkZMaAq4VEALw_wcB) he keeps at his bedside to make a cheesy breakfast before work. He ponders eating his toe but remembers he is supposed to be on a diet.
Quote from: dissolute ocelot on December 02, 2021, 07:00:34 PMTom Watson sears his foot on the professional raclette grill (https://www.wayfair.co.uk/Cooks-Professional--Raclette-G1288-L827-K~EWEB1107.html?refid=GX200082349816-EWEB1107&device=c&ptid=836855007535&targetid=aud-1216588209292:pla-836855007535&network=g&ireid=95661578&device=c&gclid=Cj0KCQiA-qGNBhD3ARIsAO_o7ynMaBxmr1ND7AI0AZw_Dh_b7IEv5QgiVuS-VC_LrP9GqSZ-3kLHkZMaAq4VEALw_wcB) he keeps at his bedside to make a cheesy breakfast before work. He ponders eating his toe but remembers he is supposed to be on a diet.
(http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-dGGq6xr8b_U/VklNlXRGSuI/AAAAAAAAAFg/_ifTuJVH2dg/s1600/17-George-Foreman-Grill.jpg)
That egg nog tastes funny.
You do such a shart that it wrecks the luminiferous aether for yonks
A free jazz horn player named Pat Shat?
Hungover and demotivated - it's a bloody nightmare, really DESO!
Your gremial region is scorned by a cashiered bishop.
Your mum GlaxoSmithKlines your cum tissues as an abortifacient.
After a night of soul searching, a socially isolated abattoir worker changes his Facebook status from 'Jake Yap enthusiast' to 'James Veitch superfan'.
'Sir, I don't care if it's a human turd or not. It is not an adequate substitute for a face mask.'
Your shares in GlenDimplex pay out in war crimes
Your latest deso-cold has you coughing up shite instead of phlegm.
Can't think of a name for your new wife made of corned beef and coat hangers so you use screaming internally as a placeholder.
A Basil Fawlty impersonator joins in enthusiastically at an protest in Dover. "Say what you want about Farage but he's right on some points."
"Do your Basil Fawlty!"
"Not now mate this is more pressing."
Touching an AM radio transmitter by mistake, the last thought in your mind is the payday loan ad that is conducted through your body.
Mel Bastard.
Every time you touch yourself a crow attacks an innocent depressive.
Saturday night. Stare at a moth for a bit.
You win a mandatory cruise and bad weather confines you to your cabin, where your bunkmate is a seasick Kevin Smith who won't stop podcasting while retching with every other breath.
There is a man in a Reg Varney mask peering through your bedroom window.
Quote from: batwings on December 04, 2021, 10:12:53 PMSaturday night. Stare at a moth for a bit.
On Sunday, you play "who can stare at the moth longest?" with your conjoined twin.
Such a miserable Tuesday, and is that the sound of nuclear annihilation I hear?
Deliberately bummed by a steam engine.
You pay extra to get "piston".
(Pissed on.)
Quote from: Ferris on December 05, 2021, 03:01:58 PMYou pay extra to get "piston".
(Pissed on.)
Real life deso! (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Pist.On)
You are described as "the ponce's ponce" by Ponce magazine.
The second, often first thing people ask you is, "How is your deformity?"
A mime and a web services support specialist fight over the last bag of burst broccoli while Simply Having a Wonderful Christmas Time plays over the supermarket tannoy.
Phone charger won't work and your IBS is playing up. The two are not related, but so what? They don't have to be. Don't argue, it's deso enough as it is.
Reading your own joke and proper laughing before realizing you're the one that posted and no one, no one, else finds it the least bit amusing you spoon.
Might pop out for some fresh air oh no it's fucking dark and Baltic fuck winter balls.
Lewis Hamilton is asked what drives him on to such heights of success.
"My hatred of the Welsh. Sheep-shaggers can't even drive."
A Willie Thorne lookalike dad swears by Bisto gravy granules.
A Skegness grouse cull proves harrowing.
You lose a 6 year relationship over MAOAM
For swaps with MAOAM: baby's shoes, often worn.
Your boglin has all MAOAM on its wretched glans
Rumpelstiltskin offers you a single MAOAM in exchange for your toddler, which will be replaced with the dumbest Boglin in the world. You accept.
Elon Musk tweets your trashcoin PEEDOS (PDO)
Your increasingly militant attempts to rope your work colleagues into a Louise Woodward themed Christmas party go down poorly.
Richard Dawkins headbutts a Salvation Army woman outside of a Bristol Co Op; describes the twitter backlash as 'Talabanic'.
Getting writer's cramp after finishing all the gloating messages on your widows Christmas card list.
The global supply chain crisis causes a shortage of ASDA Smart Price roast beef flavoured crisps. It's the final straw for Clive. He cracks his knuckles before composing an angry email.
Bummed to smithereens by the shade of Geoff Hurst.
The English cricket team pay some drunks to stand in for them and run away to a remote Pacific island, never to be seen again.
you're pleased that you've got enough christmas paper left for this years gifts on the role you bought six years ago
"I know I keep saying it and I know it's as old as the hills now, but honestly, it was and remains so revolutionary!"
"Yes Gordon, we know," they say, avoiding eye contact by sipping their pints
Gordon is talking about tarmac again.
Gordon doesn't understand why no one else is as amazed as he is by tarmac.
Deleted. Accidentally quoted myself
Raw sewage for breakfast? Dreading seeing the lunch menu now mate!
A turd winks up at you from the bowl. It's the kindest interaction you've had in months.
A Weymouth nutjob unsubscribes from Model Train Monthly because, as he tells his local butcher, "there were to many darkies writing for it now."
The main protagonists in your ace new play are called HENDRY and MANGON DOWN
Remortgaging the house to buy more Crazy Frog NFTs.
They'll thank me. They'll all thank me.
A lightbulb collector realises he has wasted his life and goes off to work on a sheep farm in Thurso.
In the live action version of Akira, Tetsuo is portrayed by Dan Tetsell.
you can't remember where you left your ribcage
A gelded Boglin is assigned your Line Manager at Garforth Fust Processors
All the prawns in your dhansak simultaneously defecate and the sauce level rises two inches.
Quote from: dissolute ocelot on December 10, 2021, 04:59:22 PMAll the prawns in your dhansak simultaneously defecate and the sauce level rises two inches.
Desolation? Sounds like physics-defying magic, and those shitting prawns would win a Nobel prize.
You ask your cat how long you've been unemployed and write the reply of "Miaow!" on your CV.
You long for a crafty wank, but your cock and balls require 2 step authentication to which you have forgotton your credentials.
Quote from: dex on December 11, 2021, 04:18:12 PMYou long for a crafty wank, but your cock and balls require 2 step authentication to which you have forgotton your credentials.
To reset it you have to remember your mother's maiden name. Haven't the foggiest.
Quote from: frajer on December 11, 2021, 04:21:52 PMTo reset it you have to remember your mother's maiden name. Haven't the foggiest.
You call her to explain the situation but make no progress.
A mid-winter wank is brought to a bleak conclusion by a perfect storm of stress, impotence and a faulty draught excluder.
Quote from: Ferris on December 11, 2021, 04:35:42 PMYou call her to explain the situation but make no progress.
Yo threaten to shit on her chest and come good on the threat but still your password remains out of reach.
Quote from: touchingcloth on December 12, 2021, 12:10:24 AMYo threaten to shit on her chest and come good on the threat but still your password remains out of reach.
The ward nurses look on and say nothing - that fiver each did the trick.
Quote from: Ferris on December 12, 2021, 12:31:52 AMThe ward nurses look on and say nothing - that fiver each did the trick.
You remember you never had an account after all. Crap Hub it is, again.
Your experience at Dignitas is live-streamed to a lone masturbator.
A The Singing Detective rewatch is interrupted by some Jehovah's Witnesses who will not leave until they're invited in to join the misery binge.
Dad breaks his hip dancing Gangnam Style.
Things your dad is doing deso!
Your state of the art home cinema system is installed in the nick of time for you to host your annual party for the new John Lewis advert.
You daily cling to the horoscopes that Christian woman does on Vice.com and shape your days thusly
A clowns head floats out of the darkness in the middle of the night crying "WHY DID YOU KILL MY DAUGHTER?!"
A MERKUR Cashino Slots teambuilding weekend in Little Dignitas goes awry when the regional manager's contact glans falls out during an impromptu wank-along to "Theme from M*A*S*H (Fuck me on acid Up Yer Ronson 1995 speed mix)".
Gang-mooned by a coachload of unwiped Rugby bastards on your way back from chemo.
A clause in your restraining order allows you to legally vomit on a donkey breeder between the hours of 3 and 7.
Poultice O' Toole of Croydon spends New Year's Eve alone organising his hentai VHS collection into 'Sordid' and 'Illegal'.
You sustain a rupture trying to think of someone less pleasant than Mark Francois.
Inside a dead butcher's caravan, a drowned daddy long legs floats in a margarine tub full of unspecified liquid
Real life deso today in my local Dealz (Irish Poundland) which was delightfully perfumed with a strong stink of urine.
Your family is smashed to quarks after straying too close to the heat death of Eric Pickles in a car park at Lakeside Thurrock
You find out the meaning of 'Gilm' in an Oswestry copse after a heartening diarrhoea attack.
'Fray Bentos' is the term of the day when you make suggestions for a festive feast.
Fray Bentos funeral care
The Earl of Fray Bentos
The Fray Bentos Sixth Form College
A byelection is postponed due to a frozen pitch.
Fray Bentos pump yet more of the year's promo budget into highlighting a Facebook video of a mountain lion throwing up the regurgitate of a competing pie brand.
Your estranged Boglin's barium shit becomes Fray Bentos' new flavour.
A faked alien abduction ends with a trip to A&E to remove an 'anal probe' (Bic pen).
A small spider vanishes into granddad's ear never to return.
Quote from: the Fallen on December 15, 2021, 12:59:01 PMA small spider vanishes into granddad's ear never to return.
Your granddad vanishes into a spider, never to return.
A meringue goes stale inside a dusty old press.
You insert your sagging arse into a Victorian mangle and tell your wife "crank away."
https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-england-kent-59601656
True not funny real life deso.
The passage where it describes one of his films being labelled 'best yet' is total banality of evil.
Quote from: shoulders on December 15, 2021, 07:04:27 PMhttps://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-england-kent-59601656
True not funny real life deso.
The passage where it describes one of his films being labelled 'best yet' is total banality of evil.
Disgusted, Tunbridge Wells
for Christmas, you're receiving a sentence
Garton, the self-styled Violent Bumder of Telford finds himself so unable to sexually perform that even his strap-on can't get it up.
After squeezing your feet into your shitty-issue work brogues, you discover there is a stone inside one of them. 8 more hours of this shit to go before they can come off.
Quote from: Twit 2 on December 10, 2021, 06:10:12 PMYou ask your cat how long you've been unemployed and write the reply of "Miaow!" on your CV.
Magnificent
Jilted at the altar/mini-roundabout by a post-op felisgender Boglin carrying 83 shopsoiled Fray Bentos tins in a bag made of empty strepsil packets scavenged from an abandoned Belming contest.
Quote from: shoulders on December 16, 2021, 11:36:20 PMJilted at the altar/mini-roundabout by a post-op felisgender Boglin carrying 83 shopsoiled Fray Bentos tins in a bag made of empty strepsil packets scavenged from an abandoned Belming contest.
Well, that would be the worst thing ever. What do you want, a medal. Cunt.
Your attempt at carol singing outside Peacocks fails to compete with the spectacle of a cab driver euthanizing a pigeon that has just been hit by a bus.
You are disinvited to a Modern Drugs Party because even those with no sense of smell say that you, and your aphid companion, 'honk weird'.
"To begin with, the motors were NOT brushless as I had been led to believe" is how you begin your one-star review for David & Goliath, a €1,500 dildo set.
your dad's bad back happened says mum
BBC Tsunami correspondent:
"Absolute scenes here, Clive"
Oh no, I've run out of the eyeliner I use to indicate it's all too much
Michael McIntyre is broken on the wheel while the theme from The Wheel plays. This is desolate because after it happens you wake up.
recent real dreamlife desolation :
Last week: dreamt I was back at my childhood home, watching telly (possibly with my mum ). Every time we turned on ITV one day/evening it kept showing clips of/about an infamous failed, unbroadcast tv game show/panel game "that went horrible wrong" called Popbusters. Felt like experiencing a broadcast hijacking. The third or fourth time there was even a vintage announcement Bullseye style "Instead of the scheduled programme...Herrreee's Popbusters!" followed by a documentary about Popbusters.
Confusingly it was nothing like Blockbusters, presented by Jim Bowen instead of Bob Holness, and we never got to see the actual game.
At one point a fake version of the cast of Tiswas (or similar) appeared behind the desks with somebody with a white powdered face, wearing a raincoat pretending to be the Phantom Flan Flinger.
Jim Bowen ended up desperately appealing to the audience - "You like Popbusters, don't you?" to silence.
Then the whole programme turned into a cartoon and badly drawn kids comic versions of The Goodies beat up Jim Bowen.
(Some point the same night/week there was going to be an exaggerated/sensationalised programme about somebody going around doing vox pops while pretending to be black).
-
Friday I dreamt my Gran had possibly heard on the Today programme that Eric Clapton had died (she was more interested in a report about Saddam Hussain having terrible waxworks). Ending up trying to work out from a press cutting that didn't say much, whether him and his partner had "fallen off a cliff" deliberately to not have to have the booster jab.
(later that day in real life he was trending on twitter for being a twat as usual.)
You watch comedy all the time but you have nothing funny to say.
- your family
You set your Plex tv show library to arrange the shows by random
The baby you kidnapped for Live Action Role Play Death Stranding expires halfway up the first knoll.
Quote from: shoulders on December 21, 2021, 03:01:30 PMThe baby you kidnapped for Live Action Role Play Death Stranding expires halfway up the first knoll.
*clapping*
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^ glorious
With the buoyant piquancy of youth a new hood enters unto this dreaded scramble
The new bird you hooked on sniff says she has a brilliant night
Adjoinder text: it's all about supply
Peering out with square eyes you watch your children's futures vanish on a gamble and yet still you mood it's worth it
Hurtled violently via catapult, your only thing you see before you come screaming back down is an aerial view of Kent.
The realisation that dawns on you that your dominatrix really doesn't care for you one iota.
Your fiancée gets expelled from school and it costs you your job at the same school and the papers are just going to love it
four knives four forks four dessertspoons four teaspoons three tablespoons
╱╱╭╮╱╱╱╱╱╱╱╱╱╱╱╱╱╱╱╱╱╱╱╱╱╱╭╮
╱╱┃┃╱╱╱╱╱╱╱╱╱╱╱╱╱╱╱╱╱╱╱╱╱╭╯╰╮
╱╱┃┣━━╮╭━━┳╮╭┳┳━━╮╭╮╭┳━━┳┻╮╭╯
╭╮┃┃┃━┫┃━━┫┃┃┣┫━━┫┃╰╯┃╭╮┃╭┫┃
┃╰╯┃┃━┫┣━━┃╰╯┃┣━━┃┃┃┃┃╰╯┃┃┃╰╮
╰━━┻━━╯╰━━┻━━┻┻━━╯╰┻┻┻━━┻╯╰━╯
Your screamed apologies to the lorry driver who takes you at 90km/h out go forever unheard.
"Gravy burger not available for individual purchase."
Your hopes of being the world's biggest cunt are dashed when James Corden is conceived.
places
(https://i.imgur.com/s3UMogV.png)
(https://i.postimg.cc/yNw4Y5jC/IMG-20211227-225553.jpg)
Your eulogy to Two Fat Ladies ends "checked if my Dickson-Wright".
While queuing for a replacement dog skull in Bangor ESSO, your life partner decides to become "very online".
You forget to wear underwear to bed and an urban fox waits until you are asleep then eats your balls.
Allan Iversen 3 points an elephant heart onto the visage of a pliant tech bro who has commissioned the event in its entirety.
Jim Davidson is behind you in the takeaway queue. He orders curry chips in a 'funny' voice.
Eating your surgically removed penis with some spaghetti hoops.
The only way you have found to alleviate the symptoms of Grandfather's Alzheimer's is to scream 'Thalidomide' at him.
You are poached as "head of humour" for Carlton Cards.
You are headhunted as "chef de cuisine" for greggs
Conservationist for Excelentíssimo Senhor Presidente da República, Jair Bolsonaro
Chief wine buyer (rosé range) for Nisa
Celebrations planner for Dignitas
Backing vocals for the Tring Choral Society
Accountant for Ray'z Carz & Vanz Valet Zervice'z, Bloxwich
Passenger Satisfaction Fluffer for Northern Rail
Animal Resilience Technician (Grade 2) for 'Beever World—Wrexham's Cheapest Zoo'
there's a murmur going round that your heart is failing to meet its deadline to stop beating and the bailiffs have been sent round to brick in your anus
and your brain is a howler monkey, an arthur fowler monkey, and it's eaten all your powers you you unmagical starving wastrel
and
you brought Leicester City back from the dead and the lads played well and the ball did the work and we stood proud in Gothenburg and Barcelona argh shh the montagnes were singing with praise for the laaaaads and Munich came back from the abyss
and
Coco chanel wants to do a scent of you and Disneyland wants to make a ride of you but it has to be fatal to the under 5s and guarantee a cancer at the end
and
and your soul is pea wet and drooling down your cheeks as you check the mirror for scalp creep
and
i am consolidating all of my posts into one easy to digest flotsam of wrist injury and permanent spine craic
und
Fred dinenage drinks Busch lite and eats ketchup in tiny cups emblazoned with historical hate speech what kind of shit funeral is this? he thinks, laid out in state embalmed in lynx
and
an in-depth knowledge of marsupial vaginas will only get you so far in this life he muses as the pit viper venom finds his heart.
a wank in a Zambian munitions bunker is ruined by a sweaty deacon
who later drives his 88 GTI golf cabriolet into a ditch while screaming like a gibbon at the sight of your eely tik tok penis
like a baby bird sicking up a worm of curdled milk
like just walking into the national textile museum and shitting a fart all over a priceless fascist tapestry
Your milksop of a hardon deliquesces in a torpid Welsh vestibule.
You ramp up the entrance fee for your Close Relatives with Disabilities Gymkhana to a tenner on account of your bloodthirsty vainglory and largesse, but it barely covers the marketing outlay let alone the legal claims.
You bore the barium shit out of a reptile conman regarding conveyance and purveyance of sileage.
Your tell your embolised mother she looks 'fitter' and 'improved'. She 'is funny now'. I forgot, this is all burbled through a sort of saline based communication medium she will always require hereon.
Wheeled up to Dumfries by some indentured pig children, your homemade Ark of the Covenant contains 4 copies of the Radio Times, a Captain Tom figurine and sister's best cumming arm.
Trying to resuscitate a beached whale by blowing air into its spout, you instead choke to death on the ghost of a sailor it swallowed in the 1920s.
Horace the carnival mutant tries to offload his pilchard regurgitate for the price of 'ten curency'.
You would batter the cunt down to four but for the distracting incessant cries of 'IT'S DREDGEPORK TIME' moving ever closer in the distance.
Expelled from the Equine Excellence Pathway for bad touching, then winding up doing mole mapping at a skin ailments and clap clinic. Devouring baked slime in a bus shelter while leering at shire horses.
You realise it isn't the Band there on your cherished Fedbook wishing you a bonny hogamanay but instead some lackadaisacal intern who knows naught of the Band or worse it's AI and it's scenes until you're tossed out of the annex, hastily doing up your fly
2022
one more year of zero blowjobs
And you've been practicing
One of your vaunted new songs is about staff at the record label
this year, is your year. you can feel it. Four Lads With Haircuts is going to be the new thing in music, and you're the vanguard of a whole new zetigeist. which is what you've rehearsed saying in interviews in months
It is what he asked for but now it's there in front of you, you rather regret seeing your dad's coffin in a fancy glass horse-drawn hearse topped by a large floral tribute spelling PREGABS
Foot hammering at the brakes ineffectually, your last sight on this earth is Blobby's terrified face.
You sense your need to unwind and grasp at the chance to relax with a spare, simple day spent browsing the internet
Prince Andrew is awarded the Nobel Peace Prize and there's nothing we can do about it.
You are female, each conversation like you're worth nothing, admired for things you had no say in, your shape, your genetics, nothing you do the things you care about most just nothing no radars pick them up, it's trash, it's shit, your esteem gets beaten down into the goddamn dirt so often you start to believe you're crazy then you find you're the first documented case of a woman "falling for" catcalls on the street, plunging further into a hideous identity shaped only by the approval of men with so little to them you'll never, ever know them
Quote from: the Fallen on January 03, 2022, 03:52:21 PMYou are female, each conversation like you're worth nothing, admired for things you had no say in, your shape, your genetics, nothing you do the things you care about most just nothing no radars pick them up, it's trash, it's shit, your esteem gets beaten down into the goddamn dirt so often you start to believe you're crazy then you find you're the first documented case of a woman "falling for" catcalls on the street, plunging further into a hideous identity shaped only by the approval of men with so little to them you'll never, ever know them
Here here!
You lazily catcall a woman on the goddamn Street, just the most base and lewd comment on things she had no say about, and she succumbs utterly to the meagre charm instantly, it freaks you out in fact and you think about the massive events in her life that led to this moment and such interpersonal atrocities you will never, ever know and she smiles you catch an icy gale from her so lonely & cold you quiver even then from the hinterlands of companionship, instantly knowing you can not salve nor solve, there beneath a billboard with its tenets of impossible beauty, you there boy, and you are very much a boy, standing hands in pockets next to building site you and new bride, and you think: this how Fritzl did it. And she's all too eager to dig & merrily along you go with it because that, my friends, is your level, and it is there to be embraced
^ fuck that's good writing /non deso
A Heston Blumenthal fan club Zoom chat ends abruptly after a jealous spat involving a cream éclair.
You crop the Virgin Media V6 box bootup "Welcome" logo to only the English bits for the sexual relevancy of your rape-fetish girlfriend, later regretting your short-sighted omission of the European linguistics, as in life, thus in bedroom
NHS is rechristened BLIGHTO, but the general structure and organisation remains identical to right now
Nigel Farage is appointed Head of Light Entertainment at the BBC.
With it placed so inescapably within your trembling grasp, you fuck up the trilogy, though you sigh, knowing you'll bank on it in impolite society for years to come, hanging your head heavy you, the faded show pony
You've got such a baby dick that posting photos of it to r/ratemycock triggers Reddit's child porn filters. Happy New year!
A ninety minute Jim Davidson and Russ Abbot special comes on telly right as the canister of paralytic nerve gas under the kitchen sink explodes and fills the living room to saturation point.
Oh, what an atmosphere!
Mick Hucknall donates his unwashed underpants pile to an auction to raise funds for disgruntled crows near Holmfirth.
Quote from: shoulders on January 04, 2022, 12:31:21 AMNHS is rechristened BLIGHTO, but the general structure and organisation remains identical to right now
And the "Blairy Boyz" have "guesstimate tbh" changed to "out of service."
Jim Davidson ranting at a black women in Felixstowe.
The Dostoyevsky Estate digitise the complete works, but a Microsoft error causes them to be deleted and replaced with "live laugh love."
Your PowerPoint presentation is marred when you accidentally start showing a slideshow from your boss' folder marked 'transgressive porn'.
Coming to, hogtied with Jim Davidson using you as a footstool whilst he roars with laughter at Mrs Brown's Boys repeats on his fuck off big telly.
"4/10, must try harder" your rapist chides you after the fact.
You ask the trafficked girl who is brought to your room whether she accepts or provides Nectar points.
You manage to secure your first ever blowjob at the age of 63 but as soon as tongue contacts glans you nod off.
Quote from: The Bumlord on January 05, 2022, 12:24:40 AMYou manage to secure your first ever blowjob at the age of 63 but as soon as tongue contacts glans you nod off.
Undeterred, he wanks himself off and comes across your face anyways
Laid in an open casket at your own prematurely arranged funeral with locked in syndrome watching former CaB member kittens, now a white rastafarian, conduct your service.
Quote from: shoulders on January 05, 2022, 12:41:44 PMLaid in an open casket at your own prematurely arranged funeral with locked in syndrome watching former CaB member kittens, now a white rastafarian, conduct your service.
EUPHORIA
You see Keith Starmer on the news and it triggers your auto-immune response. Nothing unusual about that, of course, but while you are distracted a gopher has off with your pendants.
It returns them the following week after ascertaining their value to be zero.
You google "Warhammer 40K game", then after some honest reflection, add the qualifier "for one player only".
You pressure your glans into taking a bath with a full bottle of Toilet Duck.
Your rectal thermometer reading says "Lol, faeces"
After a shake it says 'Jks, just razzin'
After another shake it says 'Spose u want the news then'
After another shake it says 'You need 2 put me in ur arse 1st u thick cunt'
Your glans rise to occasion, humiliating you in public and generally disobeying your coy nature.
You make conversation with a steaming turd left on your car bonnet. Best you've had in ages!
Grey winter clouds make ye muggy of morn!
"a clown with a big smile on his face, but he's not smiling" in blue biro. aye fuck yer homework, Miss.
Sting and all his sock accounts are simultaneously shadowbanned from a lute forum
an aspiring comedy writer brags to his mates, "yeah its just always funnier if you mention a bookies pen somewhere"
Grumpy gits mutter on a bus to Shitsville!
Your instant lateral flow test tells you you're pregnant.
Your daughter aspires to enter politics, wishing to kowtow to the wants of the electorate
This electorate
Right now
This one
You awake at 5PM to find a giant cloud of dark grey ice blocking your happiness.
That spider you noticed in the bathroom when you took a shit earlier? It's not there anymore. It's on a podcast, describing your arse crack in such detail that it gets added to Google Maps.
Excretia?! Misery?! Grimness?! Here at Bleakington Place? Fuck my life!
You arrive in hell and the devil tells you there's no god, it's just him, and kicks you in the cunt. When you come to your senses, you're forced to detune a giant lyre which, though seeming to decrease in pitch by microtonal increments, is forever doing so, with no hope of resolution.
You look up at the sign: Halfords
Your funeral turnout is 100% gloater.
It's one person: your mum.
Domestically abused to Hard-Fi classic "Hard to Beat".
You're pretty sure your oncologist is Dr. Alban.
An appointment with your proctologist, Dr Harold Bigfingers.
Quote from: Twit 2 on January 07, 2022, 10:22:58 PMYou arrive in hell and the devil tells you there's no god, it's just him, and kicks you in the cunt. When you come to your senses, you're forced to detune a giant lyre which, though seeming to decrease in pitch by microtonal increments, is forever doing so, with no hope of resolution.
You look up at the sign: Halfords
Amazing
Your least favourite atopic comorbidity is back, baby, and has taken residency in your sole remaining tract.
You have shouted yourself hoarse calling all the garden invertebrates laggards.
It's a crypto life for you with your bob hairstyle and imitation woolen jumpers, and you don't miss the kids, so chortle at the passing workers Monday-Fridays. It's just you and your tales from the crypto, the provenance of which purchased from Coinbase that legendary summer down in your annals of how you left the squares behind, before wifey went to sister's in Baguley
(https://i.postimg.cc/pLbv9GLQ/IMG-20220108-153019.jpg)
You tip mother's ashes out the window, landlord's push having come to shove
Karaoke bar Dunslip on the Hogmanay night out with the IT team, and you and Bill duet on Tina the Turner (not the painter) "What Has Love Got to Do with This?" only you replaced the word luv with Windows 8, to rapturous cheers from only your table otherwise boos & ice hurled forwards from impossible cocktails (you are a bitter man, as you explain into the microphone)
You eat OK Sauce in the dark and, as you confess to the neighbour's cat there on the slick night pavement, it has very little to do with haught cuisine
"Accurately labelled", assured by you in the dark, then feline scratches. Well, you will steal after their JustEat bike sets off. The wind starts to shudder you, so it's time to find an open garage
The government declares Bournemouth a "no-trans zone."
Quote from: Glebe on January 08, 2022, 06:33:55 PMThe government declares Bournemouth a "no-trans zone."
& you celebrate another successful petition, knowing thou art prolific, texting your mates who don't text back and thinking Well why would they?
"They say I'm out out touch but I'd rather be out of touch than 'touched' up by one of them trans ha ha quite clever that isn't it wife oh she's left me."
Quote from: Glebe on January 08, 2022, 06:42:13 PM"They say I'm out out touch but I'd rather be out of touch than 'touched' up by one of them trans ha ha quite clever that isn't it wife oh she's left me."
For a trans, who you subsequently meet at some frosty juncture & even the wife is uneasy at how readily you & they commune gaily and passionately into the wilds, so it's back to the petitions this time banning you and you cheer softly in your 13 square foot living room when it passes but there's a tear and that's the thing that most lingers in the recesses of the memory you eradicate daily via sniffing glue, in 2022, as some kind of art comment (the kids don't even notice, so written off are you) and then you're off the committee as per the bill, whilst the wife rattles this gorgeous bounty you just can't stop thinking about, dragging your palms down across your moaning face dreaming in the bath, formulating yet more petitions that will pass
Forlorn by a garden centre foyer, a landgull opines 'you gave the ref a decision to make'.
Finally clapped on that fucking fruitfly by the ultrawide
Right, still need to get wallpaper on the walls, but I need to howl on 2CB at feedback I'm not sure is my own, but it's most serpently not society's (that's how I say it now, you'd better get used to it. And my backwards bakerboy)
Your idea of reconnecting with Your Art involves sitting on the living room floor with Texas CDs wondering what device you even own can play the damned devices.
Still, you tell yourself. You're ill these days. You'll improve.
Like Morrissey.
Well, there's all those watercolours in the loft and in the kitchen ziti
You finally come out to the hand clapsed over your mouth (your own, but symbolic of society's, you reckon, as you walk past those school gates) and you just know you'll die trying on turning Americans onto tea.
Then you wave to the headmaster / your neighbour, and your Corsa suppresses the rest
Your eyes open, mother is beckoning you from downstairs.
'Rontos? Rontos! It's school today! Get yourself down here at once! "
Your prefilled google search defaults to "Rontos anal"
Quote from: the Fallen on January 08, 2022, 06:45:38 PMFor a trans, who you subsequently meet at some frosty juncture & even the wife is uneasy at how readily you & they commune gaily and passionately into the wilds, so it's back to the petitions this time banning you and you cheer softly in your 13 square foot living room when it passes but there's a tear and that's the thing that most lingers in the recesses of the memory you eradicate daily via sniffing glue, in 2022, as some kind of art comment (the kids don't even notice, so written off are you) and then you're off the committee as per the bill, whilst the wife rattles this gorgeous bounty you just can't stop thinking about, dragging your palms down across your moaning face dreaming in the bath, formulating yet more petitions that will pass
"See this is what I'm talkin' about. Ban trans in Bournemouth!
Quote from: Glebe on January 09, 2022, 12:13:02 AM"See this is what I'm talkin' about. Ban trans in Bournemouth!
When he says all that he's just talking about the fuckin Falklands.
Quote from: the Fallen on January 09, 2022, 01:01:50 AMWhen he says all that he's just talking about the fuckin Falklands.
"Thatcher and the argie bargy!"
Quote from: Glebe on January 09, 2022, 02:18:51 AM"Thatcher and the argie bargy!"
He put Farage on in the garage that GBNews again, same stuff he said when standing over the sink
A waxwork Mick Hucknell starts hounding you throughout the winter nights.
Quote from: the Fallen on January 09, 2022, 03:11:02 AMHe put Farage on in the garage that GBNews again, same stuff he said when standing over the sink
Farage in a garage is GB's ripoff of Windsor in a wardrobe, you win a special GB NEWS NO PRIZE for guessing which garage they've sent to next this time.
A number of figs battle it out in your digestive system.
Mythical creature with the head of a child trapped in the French care system, the body of a long deceased corpse and the tail of a skipping rope with a label 'Genevieve' on it
That's a miserly helping of gruel of a cold Glum's Day!
The nicest moment in the last 5 years was when a neighbour said 'your tumour looks jaunty today'.
Quote from: Twit 2 on January 04, 2022, 04:35:12 PMThe Dostoyevsky Estate digitise the complete works, but a Microsoft error causes them to be deleted and replaced with "live laugh love."
Laughed
Ugh, this melted bag of frozen broccoli will not suffice for the evening meal so I have no alternative but to roast some garden muck!
You heat up a sausage roll and roll a condom on it for 'the ultimate'.
Fully 45 years old you're traipsing to the doctors at 5 past 9am as the easiest route takes you past a school and you loathe competing foottraffic but some of the girls are late (that's pretty girls for you) and the teacher ushering them like a hawk, as your eyes shamefully see the back of their legs sending you crimson, also ushers you towards the mouth of the school and you protest petulantly but she is having none of this, so you're conveyed classwards with your bald spot showing and gut overhanging your frayed old belt and you curse yourself for wearing that shirt with the bean stains, your whooping cough clattering around the room when you're deposited at the back of a class and a big lad calls you a poof promising to menace you later and the girls turn round and titter at the weirdo and you're commanded to produce your homework and you haven't changed in thirty years, you just haven't evolved at all save for the psoriasis
Quote from: the Fallen on January 12, 2022, 09:04:40 AMyou just haven't evolved at all save for the psoriasis
Actually even the psoriasis has evolved, into what can only be described as a "really disgusting state". Then there's the phimosis...
Semen vinegarette
Quote from: dex on January 12, 2022, 05:20:56 PMSemen vinegarette
Gordon Ramsey: My worst
Kitchen Nightmares experience.
Your neighbours' verbal abuse is now available in Dolby Atmos.
To make ends meet, you get a sidegig hosting educational children's parties as Loans the Clown. And look how you caper whilst giving out party bags containing can't-miss opportunities with unbeatable APRs!
Quote from: the Fallen on January 13, 2022, 09:13:36 AMTo make ends meet, you get a sidegig hosting educational children's parties as Loans the Clown. And look how you caper whilst giving out party bags containing can't-miss opportunities with unbeatable APRs!
I think we'll be hearing more from Loans the Clown around here!
You walk the Amazon Prime order for Nuneaton to Longstanton, expecting a tip.
As usual, the tip is fuck off
You get the wife's ashes digitally sealed in an NFT
Someone buys it for 3 billion Dogecoin
Which is less than the process cost
You glue your head to the your front door "for a laugh."
Rabid pedo hunter discovers Gil Sans on his computer, smashes it up and sends the BBC the bill.
(https://i.imgur.com/j0Giq2y.gif)
The rainbow wig won't come off, and if you don't leave for the bus in the next 4 minutes you will miss your dog's bail hearing.
Quote from: jenna appleseed on January 14, 2022, 02:49:54 AMRabid pedo hunter discovers Comic Sans on his computer, smashes it up and sends the BBC the bill.
(https://i.imgur.com/j0Giq2y.gif)
Upon his full aquittal, HRH Prince Andrew blasts "Straight Outta Compton" out of his Bentley as he rolls out of court.
Trapped in the past, you find yourself leaping from life to life, putting things right that once went wrong by the unique means of bigtime investing in crypto
Eggy Napkin of Prestwick collects his 1,000th Babylon 5 figurine.
You dress up in a ridiculous duck costume and sit in your front garden all day, only rising to blurt "QUACK!" at passing neighbours.
Zoning out from vicious pornography, you can't watch anything anymore because you're so fixated upon, so haunted by the possibilities, the lifestyle, the meanings and the prophecies, the all, the everything, of the 1999 Disney Channel Original Movie Smart House (https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Smart_House)
Your face morphs into Nicholas Witchell's face every time you meet anyone.
Email from PayPal reads: Reminder. We are due to take payment for your wife on 17/1/2022
You go to a line dancing class but no-one else shows up. You dance in a line, on your own, the tassels on your imitation cowboy jacket flapping leadenly under the strip lights of the secondary school sports hall.
Your dementia-addled father claps along when raised from slumber to your otherwise-addled acoustic guitar rendition of some heartened tune you both hold close or other, and you just have the internet to confess this most sacred of times to without shame or blame so every sorry compromise that comes hereafter to your Taiwanese boyfriend is like shit in your finest meal and even then you're surviving in a happy day-glo this bullshit you want my lineage? You want my actual fucking lineage? Kill yourself immediately before you sucker yourself out of believing in what is right, they're still calling you gay pricks on Reddit and you don't know why even started a livestream for this, think man won't you think and at this rate they'll kick me out of the Parent-Teacher-Commitee which you're still lucky to be in after last time.
Kill yourself immediately before you get suckered in
put that on my tombstone put it
You boil all plots down from seven to thus:
Happens to a man? Oh, canonical
Etc? Et cetera, et cet era, et cet era....
Staring out your window for a few hours.
Then realising it's a mirror.
30 years is too long to just give up. you put that foot through that telly in good faith, you will get the BBC to foot the bill. even though it was an ITV programme. it's the principle
You've grown to a level where you reasonably, to some extent, understand how the world at large works and you haven't actually killed yourself out of sheer embarrassment. I mean, go for it dude, keep sucking down your classics now presented by Sony. Bland non-acceptance means a crap, right? Paint your indifference as a reason for me not to run you down and I don't even drive nor seek to be any more conspiring in our collective downfall so stop looking down my dress or it's your kids next
- Sir, if you're not going to even approach the lyrics of REM's The One I Love, I'd like you to vacate this wedding reception stage
Woah, I'm where in the what now?! I thought I was firing shots at the heartland. You know. At white dudes. Sorry, I didn't realise this was a black, poor lesbian wedding reception
Wanting to live your best life, you promise to only say Yes to anything for an entire day, which ends with you in a secure unit with several outstanding charges
Is fourteen hours on a fruit machine excessive?
You think you made a breakthrough on your latest assignment but you haven't. Only more confusion and stuff to learn. [Real life deso -first world problem and all that].
An arse trump proves sonorous, and the scent it leaves behind can only be described as 'withering'.
Rontos. Smashing a '90s computer. With an axe. FOREVER.
Your hamster Raghead The Dunce goes on hunger strike at being owned, named and caged by you.
You're bested at poker by a mound of rubble.
'Son?'
'What is it, Dad.'
'I've got a cunt up my rect.'
You have a breakdown in work and spend the afternoon hiding behind a potted plant, wanking in rhythm with the photocopier.
Dogshit all over the last seat on the bus. Go on mate, sit down. SIT DOWN.
Instead of your mother's medicine, you accidentally post yourself, which is nightmarish due to the COVID delays, the general renowned unpleasantness of postmen, and that fact you got misrouted to Rotherham
To conclude this most foulest of days you are fucked by rabid dogs in the street, though you still cum
Richard Branson completes his return voyage from space by landing his capsule on your mum and a 3000-strong crowd erupts in applause. The press team elect not to edit your prone, sobbing form from the photos as it 'adds flavour'.
A mad burglar spends a year breaking into homes and straining any remaining liquid or matter from toilet brushes into a big bucket, all for tonight when he breaks into your house and while you sleep, gently opens your mouth to slosh it in
A small turd follows you around itching to make its way home with a knack of turning up at the worst possible places, putting your role as ambassador in peril
Missing a total solar eclipse in order to re-catalog your Cash In The Attic archive.
Your ex wants your anus in the divorce.
An old school friend guilt-trips you into going cow-tipping.
Unable to contain your grief any longer, you hurl yourself atop the blazing funeral pyre of Woolworths PLC.
An arse pleads guilty to fourteen counts of 'unforgivable soiling'.
A passing Exorcist does a number on you, forcing your spirit from your body. Now your shade wanders a shadowy inter-dimensional realm taunted by passing demons on their way to and from a busy day tormenting the damned.
You contract gonorrhoea from the second hand Jimmy Nail sex doll you've just put up in the static caravan.
You die as you lived, which, if you take a second to put the iPad down and look at the world outside of Tiktok for one non-Belle Delphine-wanking second, you'll come to realise is about right.
Piss fills your windmill, Dutch cunt, and it's barely even your produce
Quote from: batwings on January 19, 2022, 08:52:13 PMYou contract gonorrhoea from the second hand Jimmy Nail sex doll you've just put up in the static caravan.
voice activated, all you have to do is tell him you don't want nobody else, you love him
You have to serve some skinhead cunt looking all overbearing in dickhead black Primark puffer jacket which he seems to act like it makes himself stab proof into the Swan and Docket to order a keg of Stella off you.
"Your round Daz" he says to his mate, who doesn't even tip. It's 22:56
You start a boutique thread about some lazy combination of offensive amalgamation of obviously cultural concepts to subvert and as such find it an albatross too much to bear mainly as it is based almost in its entirety upon your lived daily days though you do keep it packed with worthwhile material
You spam random characters into Notepad, copy them, then enter them as your new password, changing your email address, as you were stupid enough to put a microsecond's trust into how others might percieve how you are managing your father's dementia
A shitty glum smog town is the view out of your room in Britain's worst B&B hovel.
Keith from 'parts unknown' makes an egg salad using out-of-date produce and serves it to a prospective girlfriend, with the proviso that she must "eat while ye may, as the rumblings may be swift and egregious!"
Maureen refuses help for her crippling addiction to scratchcards.
A man suffering a cardiac arrest refuses the aid of a paramedic because they work nights and are off duty.
He passes away on the street limply banging a pot and pan together for heroes.
In the scramble for a 5p you miss your son's fisting exam.
Quote from: shoulders on January 23, 2022, 10:33:00 AMIn the scramble for a 5p you miss your son's fisting exam.
And an invigilator catches him cheating in the bogs.
Quote from: Twit 2 on January 23, 2022, 08:47:57 PMAnd an invigilator catches him cheating in the bogs.
Turns out he had written the step by step guide to fisting oneself on the arm that he rammed up his arse and so couldn't read the final step "Then remove arm from anus."
In a fit of pique, Gilmore of Currys hard deletes his phytoplankton gymkhana after a dog track result.
You lose your license to render Pork in the Philippines due to failure to safeguard against toenail contents.
Another sullen afternoon expunging ferpentf from the tumble dry mechanism.
Your estate agent insists that one of your turds - the one you dubbed "Madame Voloptua" - shall become the focal point for the house viewings.
On your honeymoon scuba dive, your wife googles "annulment" after catching you licking spunk out of a sea slug.
A DMT shaman tells you your soul is "Asda".
Proctologist says "is cloaca now."
And the nominations for best penal cafe - Costa@'Cunts Gone Bananas Hospital for the Psychotically Fucked'; Starbucks - The Shipman Cackman Institute;
Gerontogaol Subway
Pimped out for two tubes of pringles and a go on the dodgems.
Pimped out for two tubes of 'pringles' and a go on 'the dodgems'.
Your daily essays on how 'pristine' your 1st edition of Mein Kampf is are starting to become annoying.
James Watt BrewDog Space Telescope IPA
In space no one can hear you punk
How you have lived and the events of your life, your values and your thoughts, are likened to an episode of The Brittas Empire
Your Fistanuary teammate withdraws through lack of hands or anus.
New year, new lump
Figgis, your name is. Born in a coalmine.
Your testes are made of out of jam.
Pretty sure your midwife is Buster Bloodvessel with a plunger.
Massive crush on Dan Snow. Turn up to house. He's into it 'cos I'm working class bald and big, absolutely hammering in the anus on point of busting my muck fair up his arse and he turns round and says "Jon Snow is my first cousin once removed" and the Game of Thrones music floods in and I can't finish.
Cum stains on your new iPad.
A bitter shepherd begrudges a sheep it's morning stream paddle.
Following a successful plebiscite, your anus secedes.
Prince Andrew uses Kevin Spacey to help clear his good name.
Anyone f'soup? Cold an' brothy!
A lonely gunman snipes up a conga line.
Paul Hollywood calls y'bake "foetid".
You realise you forgot to clean the cum out of the font last night just as you dip the baby's head into it.
And it's the third time, everyone in the business knows what sticklers for the rules Mecca Bingo are.
(https://i.redd.it/40lk4g8ks1f81.jpg)
Pollock of Bury wargames an auction for full ownership of a stucco frieze JJB Sports 1995 corporate logo.
Hour after hour and after hour hundreds of Hays Travel employees gather to insist you are Mr. Stolid, the Nuisance Toiletries Egg.
You've promised your son that you'll play Mousetrap with him when he visits at the weekend, but on opening the game box you see that the rubber ball, needed to plummet into the bath and propel the diver into the tub, activating said eponymous trap, is missing.
Desperate for a replacement, you gouge out the synthetic testicle from your ball bag with a pair of nail clippers you got in a cracker at a Christmas work do down the legion.
He doesn't turn up in the end. Your ex-wife's partner, Steve, has taken him down the Laser Quest instead.
You go for a Fit To Fly PCR test and the man puts the swab down your tonsils but keeps going and climbs down your throat and takes up residence in your organs etc.
Craig David hurls your mobility scooter into the sea.
Quote from: Ferris on February 02, 2022, 11:10:01 PMCraig David hurls your mobility scooter into the sea.
'He is stronger than ever', you supinely opine, as you plunge neck first into the briny.
'I see the Twilight Saga has just been added to Amazon Prime - that's my weekend sorted!'
Your sole birthday present this year is a second-hand DVD copy of Rise of Skywalker.
Cum stains on your new eye.
Hm. You could have sworn you specified a picnic riddled with leeches as you watch your date stride away in disgust.
"More birdseed sir?"
"Yes, after I have vomited up this lot."
Your waffle iron is embossed with David Baddiel's face.
Your skene's gland disagrees with you about the existence of squirting.
Your wife gives birth to a blister.
Not even yours.
Danger Man stoops over your burial mound and suddenly breaks into a chuckle.
'Yes!!! Hahahahah! Yes! "
The last surviving Flump dies.
The constant spam emails with 20% off at Trespass bring on anxiety and depression.
Farts coming from within your mum's coffin as you load her into the hearse.
Your burgeoning parasocial relationship with an unboxer is causing your Tulpa to dwindle.
You fall in love with your lodger's spatula and then cheat on it with a whisk.
Do you really wish to crush your gonads twixt them elevator doors?
Getting into a knife fight over the ownership of a weak anecdote about a double yolker pickled egg.
It is decreed by some important Asians that you are not permitted within 8ft of the earth's surface.
Delivered a subpoena by Papa Roach
Your inability to distinguish between the words couscous and concourse lead to a fulfilled trip hazard and 'Game Over - Insert Coin' screen. But... It is? ... Is this... Was this...
Mildewed Bounty bar.
stepping in a big turd
This is the most disgusting skunk carcass I've ever feasted upon - and I've feasted upon many!
You wake up to all the carpet fibres calling you a bastard
Quote from: shoulders on February 06, 2022, 10:33:33 PMYou wake up to all the carpet fibres calling you a bastard
By midday the entire weave is screaming the bad 'C' word at you.
A sad clown discovers he is distantly related to Jimmy Carr.
Your fashion makeover mainly involves sackcloth.
As the members of Chelmsford liberal club sit there open mouthed, you reflect that your excellent pun 'Golly wanna cracker?' is "wasted on these plebs".
Arse crusts and gravy
Mind out, the anus is on the march!
Rhona Cameron compresses Alistair Stewart's head during a heated debate on lidos.
Your property address name change application (from 32 Landseer Drive to The Holocaust) is approved straight away by Land Registry.
Macmillan Cancer Relief send you a letter which reads
'Fuck off into a skip and when you're there basically keep fucking off
Cheers'
Pengrast is banished from the Citadel for practicing "brown magic" again
Burnt celery for breakfast.
Quote from: Glebe on February 10, 2022, 01:40:46 AMBurnt celery for breakfast.
With a threatening letter from the debt collection agency as a garnish
Such a grim winter Monday!
A curdled gruel mix is supper for ye.
A bananocompromised lollipop lady fends off pathogens with live wasps she sellotapes to a teasmade.
Your anus is up for sale in last ditch efforts to complete a Popstars: The Rivals sticker album.
You are stuffed and used as a decorative piece in a Tory heartland HQ building
The seal on your Aeropress breaks and you have to spit silt from every mouthful of the chemotherapy diarrhoea you had meticulously collected from your ill child.
The first rehearsal of your Razorlight cover band ends poorly as you all demand to be Johnny Borrell.
Manky Bovril of a wet Monday.
Desolation VII thread titles?
De7ol8ion VII: For Fuck's Sake
Desolation VII: rehabilitating Kevin Spacey
Desolation Seven: Bankrupted by Calor Gas
Desolation VII: The Lacquer of Putrefaction
You arrive home to find your recently-withdrawn cat swinging from a light fitting.
Quote from: shiftwork2 on February 13, 2022, 08:52:46 PMYou arrive home to find your recently-withdrawn cat swinging from a light fitting.
Longwinded for a thread title but I say let's go for it.
Your schoolmaster keeps referring to you as a 'weer-gin'.
Stuck in a Saw trap with James Corden in a house in Bedfordshire.
What about Desolation VII: There Is No Alternative
Desolation VII: John
Desolation VII: Doctor Deso in the Multiverse of Sadness.
Desolation se7en
KFC
Lethargy
Incest
Diss
Zouma
Norwich
Cum
Desolation 7: The Wrongest Trousers
You are the proud developer of Coprophile Simulator on Roblox
Man, 80, returns to Coalville nightclub where he met late wife (https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/av/uk-england-leicestershire-60377672)
Desolation: The Malignant Seven.
Your new boss explains his management style: "You know how in Roald Dahl's The Witches there's a Grand High Witch, well I'm The Grand High Paedophile and when I pull my face off I'll look like a cross between Angelica Huston and Les Dawson!"
'You know witches think children smell of dog shit? Well I love the smell of dog shit.'
He's a pedobeastophile - he only fucks kids when they're in the form of baby mice.
Children turned adult mice don't interest him at all, oh no. He's not a gerontophile, he has some standards.
The thing in the third bedroom is leaking. Thank god it's not summer.
Christened in Hep blood by your village vicar Bonton
Burping up a turd in Cleethorps
"All hail," quips a Rodney reject from a pale imitation of the OFAH hotel dinner horror cash in thing, now a director/star of his own line of British piss porn, "the golden BATH!"
Your son Larval Trauma Flashbacks gets into the nearest bin. You tut as it is the plastic recycling one, not even suitable. Typical of him to waste the bin men's time.
Quote from: shoulders on February 18, 2022, 10:14:08 PMYour son Larval Trauma Flashbacks gets into the nearest bin. You tut as it is the plastic recycling one, not even suitable. Typical of him to waste the bin men's time.
Superb. Welcome to the H S. Art family Larval!
Your new favourite drink is a pint of slippery nipple.
Secluded at a shabby twathouse.
John Torode curls out a stinker on a Masterchef counter.
You alone can tell your identical twin sisters apart - from the taste of their piss.
Caught dragging a toppled apple tree in front of an old folks' home.
Someone please make new Desolation thread
Quote from: shoulders on February 21, 2022, 02:57:00 PMSomeone please make new Desolation thread
The deso continues...
https://www.cookdandbombd.co.uk/forums/index.php?topic=92870
[new thread]