Desolation VI (https://www.cookdandbombd.co.uk/forums/index.php?topic=80604.0#quickreply_anchor)
Desolation V (https://www.cookdandbombd.co.uk/forums/index.php/topic,71389.msg4222007.html#new)
Desolation IV (https://www.cookdandbombd.co.uk/forums/index.php?topic=66470.0)
Desolation III (https://www.cookdandbombd.co.uk/forums/index.php/topic,58360.0.html)
Desolation II (https://www.cookdandbombd.co.uk/forums/index.php?topic=50771.0)
Desolation (https://www.cookdandbombd.co.uk/forums/index.php?topic=44291.0)
A hairdresser of no fixed abode insists on the business name Mane of Hate
Drinking tap water from a mug.
A Beano Book with every character's face aggressively scribbled out in biro
Realising you have bits of miscarriage on you during a Lighthouse Family-filled waiting room. No taps to hand but it seems to come off with a lick.
Starting a new deso thread is honestly the greatest thing you have achieved with your life.
Your cunt father has died and left you a mansion in Hertfordshire but you don't find out about it because you lost your phone up your arse.
Bernard Matthews headhunts you to "Do something about these fucking giblets."
Your Ellen DeGeneres fancy dress is not well received to say the very fucking least.
Waking up on a ventilator, you come to the conclusion that smoking shredded plastic bags in your roll-ups is not a sustainable way to prevent marine pollution.
'ANOTHER MILLIMETRE!' declares Mother.
And so you pay dearly for your latest raid of the Hobnob packet—with your foreskin as currency.
when the longevity of the desolation threads exceeds any close personal relationship you've ever had
COlin COlin
he goes to Miss Splashy's
in his eyes there's a twinkle
spends 300 quid
for a face full of tinkle
COlin COlin
Sauntering down to Chop Chop Square hoping for some more wank bank material
Boris Johnson murders some children live on telly, approval rating goes up. Then he buys a giant cake out of tax payers' money to celebrate welcome to the 21st Century.
James Cordon does an enormous fart whilst addressing his fan club in a seedy LA dive.
Not being able to get your daughter into an excellent school because of The Kerryman.
South West Water condemns the contents of your rectum as 'unfit for human consumption'.
Late to your dog's bris because of being clotheslined by a child you trapped in drying cement.
you are spit-roasted by mannequins outside the Colchester chapter of CEX.
Huel Dinner
Bereave The Queen
Charles Manson
Borscht In Waltz
Lame Cockburn
Hobbit Porn
Brad Dexter
Mike Oldfield's "Tubular Bells 2022" is revealed to be his flaccid penis, struck once with a teaspoon as it rests on a cold tabletop.
Prince Charles gives a four-year-old Poundbury resident a Glasgow kiss.
Tom Clancy, an arsehole tiled with teeth, fitted with a ski-mask and loaded blunderbus, walking through the night towards the MOBO awards.
A town hall meeting descends into chaos during a discussion about the merits of Fray Bentos.
Verni K agrees to host "Tull Frottle," a cock-jousting tv show featuring the classic Jethro Tull line up.
Bob Carolgees is attached to joust.
Steve Punt takes a sideways look at your bish-bash-bosher.
Someone accuses you of being a nonce in the BTL comments section of every single article in the local paper's website going back for five years. You're really upset, not by the accusations but the fact that the accuser spelled your name wrong.
Daniel Bedingfield arrives on moped to deliver your Greggs takeaway from the shop 80 metres away from your house. He knows no tip is coming, but he uses his motivational song Gotta Get Thru This to make it to the end of his shift.
Spent mum's care home money on Robbie Williams NFTs.
Your stipend of frog guts is scattered to the four winds
Quote from: shoulders on February 22, 2022, 10:13:57 AMNot being able to get your daughter into an excellent school because of The Kerryman.
Don't pay the Kerryman til you get to the other school. (Chris DeBurgs considers etc.)
Your cordial is described by Britain's foremost cordial sommelier as 'at the apex of all that is patience-testing wank'.
A particularly strenuous battle against a bout of constipation causes life-changing injuries
"What you got for lunch?"
"Turkey and stuffing sandwich."
Nickname of 'Father Christmas' echoed far beyond the drizzly Year Five middle-school trip to the Weald and Downland Living Museum, all through secondary school and infuriatingly long into your kitchen-fitting apprenticeship.
It wasn't even turkey, it was chicken roll - Nan only told you it was turkey to cheer you up because they said that Mum couldn't look after you any more after Dad got taken away. You kept asking everyone when your little sister would be coming back, but nobody ever gave you a straight answer; Nan just said "Soon!" with brittle brightness and everyone else just kept changing the subject.
Stelrad cunts Doulton up the shitter
You are deplatformed by an alliance of bakers for sedition.
Losing your turbo chicken abortion down the back of the war crime.
The International Astronomical Union calls to say that the star they named after you has been struck down with AIDS.
A mad dash to the toilet and someone has done a breacher (where the turd mound protrudes above the water line). You drop yer keks and go anyway. So wrong yet so right
Farts smell like stink bombs, there's a real liquid nightmare brewing in there!
Your plan to establish a dynasty named after Dwemer ruins is scuppered by being an infertile gay cunt.
You're all wanked out
And Bet Fred's been
You're waking up to Sunday Brunch
Justin Lee Collins has infiltrated your one-man nuclear fallout shelter and is writing a list of rules on his stomach.
Your sitcom pilot is described as "not really what we're looking for" by the head of BBC Three.
real life Radio 2 deso -
Paul O'Grady's replacement is a poundshop Rylan for toddlers.
they had a listener on the phone bragging about being a Batman fan since they were 14, and they're in there 40s now (so since it was trendy with Batman Forever then?), and how they've just wasted £300 having a Batman party celebrating the release of a new Batman film. she's officially Geek Of the Week now and there's nothing you can do about it.
Also Poundshop Rylan apparently challenged somebody called Claire to finish building a shed only for them to (allegedly) lie about them and their mates etc. finishing building the shed during the programme, and sending him dodgy photos of a random shed probably from a garden centre website. (Actually pretty funny but I'm laughing at your expense Mr. Presenter.)
Poundshop ryland is apparently actually the 'comedian' rob Beckett " wringing the last drops of fun from the weekend, and collecting positive energy to help launch us all into Monday in the best possible mood!" but I think radio 2 might be lying to me.
https://www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/m0014wr3
Your suicide note written in Grout Reviver fails to convey the intended message 'Don't tell Eileen about the kids aspect - cheers'
Will Self is behind you in the shopping queue brandishing a packet of gold grain biscuits in a threatening manner. His countenance is filled with rage.
you struggle to recall what swede tastes like
Quote from: Spoon of Ploff on February 28, 2022, 12:31:59 PMyou struggle to recall what swede tastes like
Your first go at cannibalism.
A dawn bugler finds her career to be somewhat preordained.
The final line of your exciting new screenplay is:
'I just want to simulate golf!'
After nuking your life, you end up stuck in the Al Jazeera YouTube chat, arguing about whether India or Pakistan should be excised from existence.
as armageddon approaches all that's left for you to do is binge watch episodes of Bergerac
^ That is a Desolation subtweet of BlodwynPig if ever there were one.
All excited about the new Abba tour. Turns out your wife bought tickets for an abattoir tour.
Y'local butcher serves you up a maggoty side of beef whilst referring to you as "the most annoying and ugly customer I have ever had the displeasure to cast my eyeballs upon."
Quote from: pancreas on March 01, 2022, 08:53:00 PM^ That is a Desolation subtweet of BlodwynPig if ever there were one.
maybe, but i'm still struggling emotionally having recently watched an episode called "Campaign For Silence." in it was a scene in a hotel room which contained every possible tint of brown visible to the naked eye and beyond... including infrabrown and ultabrown.
Bloke on the Jeremy Vine show talking about how horrible it is 'they're bombing Keef'
Starmer is shitting himself.
After meeting some National Grid lads at a bear baiting you are permanently shunned after drunkenly declaring that leccy is for tossers.
Rotten shitty greasy take away clogs an otherwise fine anus.
A cellophane-wrapped croissant wilts in Euston Delice de France.
Pulling a 40 year old scorcher then experiencing the taste of bad scampy when going down on her.
(https://i.imgur.com/XjbMe43.png)
you try to lose yourself down the back of the sofa
Having failed to persuade the claustrophobic community of the benefits of Zorbing, you have resorted to more coercive methods.
Your Zorb is hijacked by Somali pirates and the BBC reports that a spokesman for Priti Patel says 'she really doesn't give a shit, I'm afraid'.
You call the Zorb you come in the most of, out of all the 70: 'Carvery'.
Your wedding vows are: "We're just woodlice, flailing on the rim of a frisbee."
You tell your mum your first feature will be a costume drama, "a mere soufflé," but it's Anal Holocaust 17, with coked-up abuse victims screaming into each other's cunts.
Made to work in Argos to appease your rapist neighbour.
Your new trick to impress the locals is getting struck off the medical register.
Keeping the pacemaker 'for best'.
You lose an argument with a mop.
There isn't a mop. You lose anyway.
An arc of hot seed spatters across a sad pensioner
Finding an album called 'DanielO Donnel sings Anal Cunt' in a charity shop.
Breaking into a deceased woolworths to grieve over the empty pick and mix containers.
(https://i.imgur.com/UmTD1iI.jpg)
Your promissory note fails due to the lack of contrast between the off white flakes of toe skin and the plain white background of the notepad.
Ah yes indeed, another shitty afternoon in Fucked Town!
Thinking you're Googling "why doesn't my bogey taste normal" but you've typed it into Amazon instead by accident. Plagued with ads hawking increasingly perverse quack-doctor apparatus for nasal problems by the malevolent algorithm for the rest of your life.
Mowing the lawn at 5AM.
You don't bother voting because your vote would only be cancelled out by your tape worm's.
6 part David Attenburough series exploring your fetid crevices. Tonight: Into The Skin Tag Forest.
An edit war on Jamie Theakston's Wikipedia page turns racist.
An escaped bastard violates you with a rusty town crier's bell.
You finally meet a nice ghost you can really imagine settling down with and it turns out it's racist
Contrary to rumour, you do bathe regularly. Child's piss still counts, right?
Dear me what a shitty Tuesday! And there's a nice diarrhea storm on the way, according to shitty weather reports!
Sanctioned by the Job Centre because they said your career choice of 'Wikipedia Vandal' was a non-starter.
You go straight home and vandalise:
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Department_for_Work_and_Pensions
Showed them.
Miserable, this shitty soup!
A hard drive crash deletes your favourite photo of Emma Forbes.
You add a considerable amount of weight on in order to send yourself lots of racy down-blouse pics.
Peter Jackson documents the implosion of your pwn-core band of glenn enthusiasts.
An elderly gardener sobs after tearing their favourite 'kill de batty man' sweater in a thicket.
A doomed trip to Dragon's Den, seeking £250k to create a mouthwash that tastes of Duncan Bannatyne's anus.
Your tumour Darren beats you at cancer.
Llandudno explodes in a multicoloured melange of guts and offal.
Your favourite term is 'flatulence'.
Following a lack of interest, you amend your personal ad in which you express your interest in 'gallons of hot cum' to indicate that modest amounts of tepid cum are also acceptable.
Samsung have your aspect ratio stuck on "paedophile."
Your anus operation is described by the lead surgeon as "absolute scenes."
You're in your local and the usual crowd are in, you've had a fair bit to drink and the conversation turns to fishing. You find yourself recounting the tale of the time you and two friends took a boat out off the coast at the end of a day marked by stormy weather, and by the time you passed the sturdy walls of the small harbour the sea was a soft mirror, calm and placid, the rising moon spreading silver all around, and how once you had lost sight of land the sea around the boat was suddenly alive with herring, brushing up against the hull as if trying to climb aboard, the water brought to a soft simmer with their moon-silvered bodies splashing against the wood, and how you cast a net to starboard and with help from your friends landed more of the herring than you could count, flopping on the deck as they gasped for breath, a shimmering mass of small, wet bodies. And how you all, simultaneously and without thought, as natural as could be, threw your clothes aside and fell upon the writhing pile and revelled in the smooth slip and slide of the tiny forms beneath you, pulling them on top of you as you bathed in the moonlight and the sinous freedom, Neptune's children at play in a state of nature, and then you remember that they weren't herring at all, but child refugees.
Forced at gunpoint to use your late mother's rolled up chemo wig as a fleshlight
Launching into a tirade about the position of Wispas in a cupboard to the dog you dress as a wife.
You live next door to the town crier. Not a loud cunt with a bell but just a depressed man who weeps at the bus stop.
Micky Dolenz gets in way over his head with the Hungarian mob while trying to drum up interest for the Metal Mickey Cinematic Universe.
Congratulations on your appointment as the Daily Mail's leprosy correspondent.
You receive a brief spasm of internet interest for your new website Ordleordle in which players have to guess which variation of Wordle they are presented with in a series of small boxes, before the New York Times's lawyers distrain your eyeballs.
True deso: after tuning your expensive new portable radio to LBC, none of the buttons now work, including the off switch and factory reset. The non-replaceable battery is fully charged.
After leaving your work laptop on overnight as requested, you wake up to find IT support have remotely infested your home office with leeches.
On the box, it says your new work mobile is an iPhone SE 2022. You rush and buy a real leather case for it, delivered the same day, and you throw away all the packaging. What's actually inside is an iPhone 5S.
After a one-off late night drunken purchase of some shrubs, every day thereafter you receive yet more promotional material in the post from 'you total garden'.
Your bucket list comprises a single item
With a strikethrough and a picture of a 3 inch long chip.
You are told your darling mother and father have died because they 'had dey time', with the follow up blow 'Who next got dey time? Amma say Unkol'
Your 3-year old son's nursery teacher describes his temper tantrums as "straight out of the Trump playbook"
Quote from: Captain Poodle Basher on March 12, 2022, 07:44:38 AMSanctioned by the Job Centre because they said your career choice of 'Wikipedia Vandal' was a non-starter.
"Nonce tarter!" you cry out "That's it! I'll give paedophiles makeovers!"
Intrusive thoughts about Elton Welsby spoil all your wanks.
Quote from: Chollis on March 18, 2022, 03:00:59 PMYour 3-year old son's nursery teacher describes his temper tantrums as "straight out of the Trump playbook"
Heh, grinned.
HR determine your atoms could be better distributed.
You emphatically fail to make 'bum shandy' happen.
Just after takeoff on a 12 -hour flight, your foreskin tears in half
Gus Honeybun vs Hartley Hare sponsored record breaking bunnyhop/deathmatch.
"a brief spasm of internet" accurately describes the quality of service from talktalk.
(recent real life deso)
Looking at the list of highest donors to a Ukraine gofundme, seeing hundreds of pounds donated by Jeffrey Archer and thousands from some company that installs yuppie sound system/ smart stereos in the walls for hotels & rich cunts with yachts and thinking 'well, they didn't really need my fiver, then, did they'
Coming to in a dingy bedsit, sucking a baby's dummy whilst being rocked by Dane Bowers reading poetry.
A foetus decides to abort itself quipping "One of you disappoints."
Michael Gove dumps a load of recyclable plastic in a local stream.
Your chemotherapy prairie dog expires after eating all of your palliative Wispa Golds.
An earwig has crawled inside your framed Mussolini headshot and died right int the corner of Il duce's mouth making him look like a right earwig-guzzling twat.
Matthew Wright opens a new branch of Pret-A-Chemo by farting on a shoelace.
Forum goes down for a few hours, your day is ruined.
You're getting your mum a dildo for Mother's Day because you're pretty sure she'll have worn last year's down to a nub by now.
A mouldy teddy bear being pumped full of stray dog semen outside a Cash Converters.
Going back in time to marmalise Gavrilo Princip at Ridge Racer Revolution only to forget your PlayStation and control pads and carer.
You're not seriously going to ram that jam sponge where I think you are, are you?
You find that somewhere along the way your toilet unblocker requirements have slipped from 'specialist' to 'recherché'
It's not that these custard creams have gone off. It's that they're manufactured out of spunk.
Foetid y'suppa, and breakfast holds the promise of mouldy porridge!
Someone staplegunning a tramp's bellend to your cheek.
Losing a tug of war over a Toffo with a fibrotic kid commonly known in the Redcar area as Pusboy.
You tart yourself up for a butcher.
Quote from: Twit 2 on March 26, 2022, 12:46:58 PMYou tart yourself up for a butcher.
Britain's ugliest butcher. And he's still not interested.
A tender kiss from James Whale
The Andalucian Spunk Caves are closed for technical reasons on your visit.
Richard Dawkins gatecrashes a pensioners' church coffee morning screaming "YOU'RE ALL DELUDED IDIOTS!"
Whichever Hitchens is still alive gets a job driving a school bus so he can spend two hours a day demanding children "grow the fuck up".
Lawrence Fox tags a photo of an emaciated Mariupol maternity ward bombing victim with "Can't feed? Don't breed".
You've Been Framed is revived with Giles Coren as host.
A plot of sinister Machiavellian brilliance to become night-manager of a BP garage.
Your stepdad is unhappy with the apparent "floppiness" of your wrists and takes to calling you "the Gayson".
Quote from: Glebe on March 30, 2022, 06:47:04 AMYour stepdad is unhappy with the apparent "floppiness" of your wrists and takes to calling you "the Gayson".
ironically he's the one called Larry.
Miserable, this shitty pudding. Miserly it's sour taste!
You must indeed leave a forum forever on account of Bruce Willis' net worth.
Your nickname at school was 'The Chode'.
Of course, you were home-schooled and are an only child.
You combine your scat party with your baby shower "to save time."
You can only get off to sleep by shitting the bed every night.
Your mother wants to get you to a specialist.
Your father wants to put a pillow over your face.
He argues that the police will be too disgusted by the sight and smell of your deathbed to investigate it thoroughly.
Richard Dawkins gives birth to a Mini-Dawkins.
Manky veg on a windowsill.
Lawrence Fox in a remake of Peter's Friends.
Neo is buzzing after Morpheus installs The Knowledge.
'whoa.. I know every rat run in central London...'
Due to a printing error, your obituary in the local paper is replaced with the text from an advertisement for a four-in-one gardening tool made by JML. Nobody notices.
Your favourite food is burnt cabbages.
Your living wake is only agreed to on the understanding that you will be escorted to your Dignitas appointment immediately afterwards.
Dad's plane crashes on the flight to Switzerland, but Dignitas debit your payment details anyway. They apply a 15% discount on appeal.
A WMV file of Barry Scott cleaning a penny is the only surviving artefact from the twenty-first century.
Quote from: Greg Torso on March 20, 2022, 11:28:17 AMAn earwig has crawled inside your framed Mussolini headshot and died right int the corner of Il duce's mouth making him look like a right earwig-guzzling twat.
Most excellent
Quote from: Glebe on March 30, 2022, 06:47:04 AMYour stepdad is unhappy with the apparent "floppiness" of your wrists and takes to calling you "the Gayson".
I laughed
Glen of Soil maximises his consumption of Dairylea Dunkables by each time referring to the breadsticks as 'Jew #1, nomnomnomnom........ Jew #2........Nonmnmnmbmbmbmbm' and so on.
At a rough guess there are around 10 breadsticks/jews in each packet.
You glow blue when Orcs aren't near.
Your uncle calls you "wheelchair". You are in no way disabled.
Quote from: shoulders on April 03, 2022, 11:02:10 PMI laughed
Thanks Shoulders! I was problem subconsciously thinking of Larry Grayson!
Stale digestives of a Wednesday!
Craig David tribute night, Macclesfield.
Quote from: Glebe on April 05, 2022, 09:41:35 PMCraig David tribute night, Macclesfield.
The man himself is there, and willing to beat the cost of his competitors.
Quote from: Ferris on April 06, 2022, 12:20:32 AMThe man himself is there, and willing to beat the cost of his competitors.
He loses the lookalike section of the evening to Barry from Cheshire.
You come to from a blissful reverie to find your grandfather soothing his piles in your gazpacho.
The ghost of Charles Hawtrey is tempted down from heaven to attend your unattended alcoholic funeral. "More than I got", and then he returns.
Your former bunion correction sandals are heavily discounted by Oxfam on account of similarly heavy soiling.
The burns from getting a discarded Kassler roasting ham on the knob seem to spell out 'Quisling'.
Your house is bombed to bits by Russians and the best British refuge on offer is Pancreas' spare room.
The sogginess of your pasty is only outdone by the dryness of the chips.
Installing Doom 2 on your grandads defibrillator
Quote from: Dannyhood91 on April 10, 2022, 05:45:47 PMInstalling Doom 2 on your grandads defibrillator
When he goes into shock, you get into a fight with the crash team shouting "Let the fucker go, I've nearly got a new highest score!".
This is repeated verbatim at the inquest.
You discover that you are either the 5th or 6th poster on CaB to be named after an organ of the body.
Your glans turn upside down every time you hear the word 'breasts'.
Your Mussolini calendar aches with cum, but the gimp for Q2 2022 is mithering so loudly you have to fuck in the next batch of Winalot.
Spurious molestation accusations mar an otherwise successful steam engine rally in Dartmouth.
Frodo of The Shire blurting out Ayo Gorkhali! as you wank off his toes at RAF Scampton.
Your arse is haunted by a phantom shit.
Fired from your role as the guitar player in a reggae band.
Jim Broadbent carves creepy mannequins.
The latest windows update has your laptop smelling of boiled turds.
Simon Cowell appears on the relaunched Britain's Got Talent fully metamorphosized into a backwards space crustacean.
R Kelly corners you in a nightclub to talk about vitamin supplements
You are delighted to order a titanium sissy basket that will finally withstand the beatings from your ogre child.
Your incest make out mix tape is eaten by the commune's shittest turkey.
The shittiest of cold winter Mondays, the rottenest of gruel f'suppa... and what's this, an itchy nadsack? THAT'S BLOCKBUSTERS!
Plagued inescapably by your haunted rectum.
The entire record of your life fits inside a potato.
You are implicated in forming Puddle of Mudd.
Someone notches up their 7000th post in HSArt involving cocks, arses, cum and shit.
"I'll decide if you've suffered severe anal trauma!" spits your boss after you run out of sickness excuse ideas.
Jim Broadbent is on Britain's Got Talent carving Simon Cowell a new new face.
Something matt forde says raises a small smile on your face. You know your time is suddely short.
Carol Vorderman's feud with Trinny and Susannah. (http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/entertainment/2800439.stm)
You rise at 4PM with a shitty headache and the day blobs on!
Quote from: Glebe on April 22, 2022, 05:49:00 PMYou rise at 4PM with a shitty headache and the day blobs on!
You rise at 4PM with a shitty headache and you're on the blob.
-
You rise at 4PM with a shitty headache and you're blobby blobby blobby. (euphoria, apart from the shitty headache)
You turn up to a Cab meet in full regalia.
"The fuck have you come as?" mutters someone.
"General Bullshit. Come on, at least I've made the effort and its a talking point."
No one is impressed.
You head off for Stanage Edge in the Peak District with a hammer and chisel. The Mount Rushmore of princesses Eugenie and Beatrice will be made.
Your plans for a "Mount Rushmore of Jimmies" (Tarbuck, Fallon, Savile, Krankie) is denied council funding.
Your new idea of foreplay is marching upstairs yelling "Anal sex, anal sex, anal sex!" to the Darth Vader theme music.
On your wedding day you accidentally married a clod of testicular medical waste and now it's your golden anniversary.
You believe, in Aylesbury, in 2022 the Year of Our Lord, that you have savagely slain an adversary with the line: You are the Weakest Link, Goodbye!
The old pre-school / pre-cum mix-up sinks another job interview.
Ordered to regurgitate a twix you were given to mark the 4th anniversary of auditing Macy Gray's vaginal flora on account of 'general bad attitude'.
Your rehab and coalescence On Track™ life coach is Peebles the Groveltoad.
You awake in panic at 3 a.m., convinced you were somehow responsible for N-Dubz
The time machine built so that you can get cancer and guilt trip Kayleigh into sleeping with you is about as shipshape as that plan.
Michael Fabricant eating a manky carrot.
(https://pbs.twimg.com/media/FRtEVkVWYAEqBrM?format=jpg&name=900x900)
https://twitter.com/NoContextBrits/status/1520884440880275462
Garden gnome collection in Cleethorpes.
Quote from: Sebastian Cobb on May 01, 2022, 11:07:10 PMhttps://twitter.com/NoContextBrits/status/1520884440880275462
That's getting 'shopped to bits!
Quote from: Ferris on May 01, 2022, 11:13:27 PMGarden gnome collection in Cleethorpes.
Heh!
John Terry takes a shit in Craigavon's worst pub.
A few years old now and it was some post-modern irony thing Greggs thought would get them national publicity, correctly.
https://metro.co.uk/2017/10/12/students-threw-a-massive-rave-in-greggs-6995088/
From a corporate perspective, pretty desolate, yes.
Close down these illegal Greggs raves!
Meanwhile, Huddersfield is the venue if you wish to observe Peter Kay plugging a walrus into the national grid.
The word 'nadsack' is seen sprayed on a wall in Coventry.
After a twist of fate (and pipes) having downed a Bombay badboy still in the cupboard from the 90s, you now shite out piss and piss out shite. Japs eye sore.
(https://i.redd.it/is3cdvjaeox81.jpg)
Richard Dawkins establishes an austere 18-centery finishing school near a bypass in Grimby.
Steve Wright's Serious Jockin' heard through the pipes as the piss rises.
UNESCO assessor Colin Cumtank signs off on a cumtank being installed in the Garden of Gethsemane on the grounds that 'its design remains in keeping with the visual ensemble and cultural milieu'.
Quote from: shoulders on May 07, 2022, 06:43:37 AMUNESCO assessor Colin Cumtank signs off on a cumtank being installed in the Garden of Gethsemane on the grounds that 'its design remains in keeping with the visual ensemble and cultural milieu'.
To be renamed the Garden of Gethsemeney.
Richard Vranch and Howard Goodall have a flailing drunken brawl over which is the most amusing chord.
Went through a period when I was feeling very down about life and the world, and so to cheer myself up I joined an internet comedy forum.
Grim mood changes hit as you saunter through Shitsborough.
Quote from: Ferris on May 05, 2022, 10:23:54 PM(https://i.redd.it/is3cdvjaeox81.jpg)
I don't think anyone in this thread can compete with that in terms of pure desolation.
Thought that was a parody.
Paul Oakenfold yells blue murder out of the bedroom window at a "littering bitch". It's not so much a window as a slit in his sleeping bag.
On his first day in prison, Westwood tries to jump to the top of the hierarchy by acting as gangsta as possible and immediately fistbumping every black man in the wing while copiously using the 'n' word.
Implausibly it works, and he becomes 'King of The Blacks'.
A man sniffs an awful fart on a grim sideroad near Denby.
Locked in a car listening to a broad Yorkshireman order a Sauvignon Blanc with their Leeds Fried Chicken. Murdering it, the guy has no idea what he means. Servin yon Blonk? Fuck you on about
Sharing said miniature bottle of Sauvignon Blanc while still locked in the car, and noticing some detritus beetles are starting to scale the passenger doors.
An extreme-right nutball celebrates the sacking of a "dark colleague" from the abattoir where he works with a Caramac and a wank in his Sinclair C5.
Going down the abattoir for a wank
We could fix your son's brain, but it would cost more than getting a new one
No-one at the paedophile convention is impressed you know how to say paedophile in 37 languages.
Quote from: pancreas on May 08, 2022, 10:45:42 PMNo-one at the paedophile convention is impressed you know how to say paedophile in 37 languages.
Until the moment you boast of fiddling native speakers of all of those 37 languages and that one of the nationalities is available in the kiddy raffle to be held later in the evening.
Paedoing is an 'International language' like Love.
You are cucked by an icosahedron.
Watch Out, Paedle's About!
Mike & Bernie Winters tribute act, Bromley Town Hall.
Michael Owen launches his own range of NFTs, but is pilloried on twitter for mistakenly claiming they cannot decrease in value.
Nick Owen is back in the spotlight, swapping his presenters hat for an artist's brush, with his first exhibition 'Ringworm in Acrylics' hitting the Crawley Arts Centre this weekend!
Belting on Track 1 of 'Greatest Road Trip Anthems... Ever' and it is 'There's Nothing Wrong With Buggering Boys' by Jonathan King.
Your frenulum is impounded by Dutch customs at Rotterdam for 'routine checks'.
Remembering that the true title of the above Jonathan King track is 'Wilde About Boys'.
Paying 6 grand at the behest of condemned toilet bummer Scratter Trev to have a hymen fitted in your anus for a one off sexual delinquency.
Quote from: Ferris on May 10, 2022, 03:25:34 PMWatch Out, Paedle's About!
His withered hand, smaller because kids are smaller!
Justin Lee Collins loses a staring contest with his reflection in a Currys window.
You discover the man you've been hiding in your understairs cupboard for three years is just a local weirdo and not Salman Rushdie.
A gerontophile bailiff spunks up in your Biddy Baxter scrapbook.
The wife gets £250 for footage of your daughter's fatal moped accident from You've Been Graved with Andrew Lawrence.
A charred donkey skeleton falls all over you and bothers your last lung.
The time you were caught doing a two-handed oily Tenko wank dominates the conversation at your wake.
Your Les Battersby botty tug ideation comes to a head at the tomb of the Unknown Soldier.
A Care Bears fan site is plagued by pop ups for necrophilia.
Your pet hamster loves being used as a snot tissue and mentally files it as 'daily highlight'.
A deadly bumming frenzy engulfs a rest home's Jubilee garden party.
Kissing and thanking you, a shrivelled Piers Morgan remoistens himself with your juices.
A misspelling of Peddle Bin in the local wanted adds leads to a wrongful arrest.
A miserable shopping trip around rainy Fuckstead leaves you with two mouldy cabbages and a the remains of a sodden paper bag.
Sliding in a plashet of neckbeard precum and cunting your scaphoid at a Redruth unboxing convention.
An arse demands it's right to shit all over your plans.
Filing down your strapon to what you consider 'a more appropriate size'.
A Krankies tribute act turns out to be the actual Krankies.
Quote from: Video Game Fan 2000 on May 22, 2022, 04:40:01 PM(https://www.placedespop.com/img/produits/3422/celebrites-1-reine-elizabeth-ii-1-1564731269.jpg)
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Ideating getting a disability to earn 50% off public transport.
Earworm being Paid My Dues by Anastasia as you fight cancer in a 4 year battle.
A memory stick containing your dad is removed without ejecting by an impatient Halfords employee
Why is Duke getting married as an ss officer
Quote from: Glebe on May 20, 2022, 06:06:36 PMA Krankies tribute act turns out to be the actual Krankies.
V good
You can smell a boiled egg.
Such rotten arses of a Friday!
Crewe's first karaoke massage parlour.
A piebald clothier buys your hospiced stepmum a sex shop.
Andy Gray slobbers at you drunkenly.
A millennium quilt of FHM cleavages keeping a basket of severed tongues cool
You try to put your hands up for Detroit then remember you lost them trying to fish issue #406 of Deluxe Bestialetes out of a car crusher.
Local character Dogdon beats you at chess, even though for anthropological reasons he has to move the pieces with his teeth.
Quote from: shoulders on May 27, 2022, 04:16:33 PMLocal character Dogdon beats you at chess, even though for anthropological reasons he has to move the pieces with his teeth.
He's back!
At an art convention your three year old avers that no, your watercolour hydrangeas are not art and this is, by which she means her sordid pants; and the art community agrees.
Quote from: PlanktonSideburns on May 23, 2022, 07:57:53 AMA memory stick containing your dad is removed without ejecting by an impatient Halfords employee
I laughed
Craig from next door casually belittles your hydrangeas.
Your recently widowed mother's pelvic floor collapses in Wilko
Dry retching round the back of a Nandos.
Collecting all your farts in a big balloon for twenty years then just forgetting about it
The Archibishop of Canterbury closes his capital-B Bible with a soft sigh, stands, enters his slippers, opens the front door, strides, then slowly grinds a snail to terrible bits on the gravel driveway. He will be forgiven.
A discarded novelty cowgirl hat, filled to the brim with chunder.
Quote from: dex on May 29, 2022, 04:09:10 PMA discarded novelty cowgirl hat, filled to the brim with chunder.
The morning after another Kardashian hen night!
Laid off as chief bowel inspector at the local darts club
Rehired
Quote from: The Bumlord on May 29, 2022, 04:52:31 PMRehired
Under a zero hour contract with
Colontrix (Compass Group plc)
As Akela's golden nipple tassels brush over his face, young Casper quickly realises "It disappears when you sing" doesn't apply to everything.
Your loud, rancid guff can be heard - and smelt- all over the greater Northumberland region.
Contestants for a Daily Mail Galdiator school, Illegal alien versus pederast.
As a gimp you are fired and rehired on poorer terms & conditions.
Your 90 minute presentation to the board, outlining how to successfully pull the company out of its current death spiral is dismissed out of hand because Marcus from accounts countered with "Yeah, but you did an abolute stinker of a shite in the bogs last month."
The rest of the board say they can't argue with the facts.
Racquel, Bringer of Scabies handsomely bests you at 'Kick the rat'.
You try counting your blessings but draw a blank—after all, life has been long one hell with no concessions. Then you remember the time a drab woman blessed you for sneezing on a train to Felixstowe, and go back to staring at the ceiling.
You have spent $90 on various cables and converters and are still entirely unable to connect an additional monitor to your laptop.
(This one is true and I could weep.)
Going down with your ride-on lawnmower Ponzi scheme in full captain's regalia to the fucks of no one.
Your pork pie model of Bedrich Smetana comes a grief-stricken 4th place after a crow makes off with its intricate pastry beard.
Your first day at work can best be described with the terms 'necrophilia' ad 'antinatalism'.
Quote from: Ferris on June 01, 2022, 01:24:52 PMYou have spent $90 on various cables and converters and are still entirely unable to connect an additional monitor to your laptop.
(This one is true and I could weep.)
What the fuck is you r monitor
I bought the wrong dvi lead for my second monitor 6 months ago and have been too embarrassed to try it again
Quote from: PlanktonSideburns on June 01, 2022, 10:22:54 PMWhat the fuck is you r monitor
I bought the wrong dvi lead for my second monitor 6 months ago and have been too embarrassed to try it again
I'm doing it between a work laptop and my actual laptop which have slightly different inputs and the screens which have slightly different outputs. I was going to type out the inputs/outputs and limitations and variations then I stopped and wanted to cry.
Simon Pegg's lawsuit for your mother's unlicensed Hot Fuzz themed funeral reaches its 5th draining year.
All of Taiwan mistakes you for local gameshow character Pissmeat Megadwarf.
Quote from: shoulders on June 02, 2022, 11:52:46 AMAll of Taiwan mistakes you for local gameshow character Pissmeat Megadwarf.
Heh!
An egg McMuffin goes cold on a plate in Essex.
Overcharged for a Platinum Jubilee handjob
Bexhill Shoe Zone reject a £10 note because 'it's not got enough queen on it'
Wife no longer needed
You and your mates single handedly beaten up by Dominic Cummings in a Barnard Castle pub.
Ghosted by the whole Stafford area after a failed attempt to revive a woebegotten rec ground used to flay foreign carnival workers.
Barry Glendenning moves in next door.
You miss an interview for a life-changing job because you want to catch the entire end-credits of Tipping Point.
Jumpscared by a leaf.
Strapping your bastard changeling into a cack-smeared pauldron under threat of a mysterious race of melodic invertebrates you are convinced are about to conquer Earth's terrafirma
Quote from: shoulders on June 05, 2022, 08:52:12 AMStrapping your bastard changeling into a cack-smeared pauldron under threat of a mysterious race of melodic invertebrates you are convinced are about to conquer Earth's terrafirma
Enmerdale plots have certainly become more unusual in recent times!
Your mother updates her relationship status to IN A FELLATIONSHIP LOL
Quote from: shoulders on June 05, 2022, 08:52:12 AMStrapping your bastard changeling into a cack-smeared pauldron under threat of a mysterious race of melodic invertebrates you are convinced are about to conquer Earth's terrafirma
Parklife!
David Cameron's net worth is estimated at $50,000,000.
The ABBAtar of Benny singles you out in the crowd and calls you a snivelling cunt during an ABBA: Voyage event.
A Middlesborough racist organises it's own Jubilee event dubbed 'Send 'em Back in the Name of Our Queen!'
Paddington gets rabies. Simple as.
Boris makes it through unscathed.
A bust up in a Bradford boozer over changing the channel to Bargain Hunt.
You are the last to leave Portillo's birthday party, "Best night ever!" you drunkenly slobber at Michael as you go.
You hospice the foot spa after one of the fish calls your big toe a cunt
Your attempt to have the perfect fleshlight, by getting a custom dildo company to make a copy of your dick sent to them so they can make a perfect sleeve is thwarted when the companies want nothing to do with one and other.
You accidentally spunk yourself during an important job interview at Burton's biscuits.
Saw a car with the registration "NPC" today :(
A familial git hoves in with the familiar miserable face carrying the latest bad news.
Your cock hinge gets gout.
www.CareHomeEntertainersUK.com
Removing the eyeball from your left socket to make what you term as a clitcock fleshlight.
Diligently delittering your entire local park only to have it comprehensively relittered by a prick while your back was turned
Pair of slacks bought in Stoke Newington smell of farts.
Your Rednex fan club package arrives twenty seven years late at your dead mum's maisonette.
(https://i.postimg.cc/RhKZJT3T/99-E4-A2-B6-825-E-427-B-8144-200-BED527-B1-E.jpg)
Quote from: Twit 2 on June 11, 2022, 01:13:12 PM(https://i.postimg.cc/RhKZJT3T/99-E4-A2-B6-825-E-427-B-8144-200-BED527-B1-E.jpg)
Some pervert dimwit grabs a bunch and has a crafty wank with it
Quote from: Cuellar on June 10, 2022, 08:28:26 PMDiligently delittering your entire local park only to have it comprehensively relittered by a prick while your back was turned
Realising this was due to a split bin bag. Going back and doing it all again, only for the same thing to happen due to yet another split bin bag. Going to the shops to buy better quality bin bags then on return finding the park has become the most dogshitted ever in its long history.
Local pervo denigrated by a horny retriever naked on the common. Local newsletter decides to publish pics "as a warning to the foolish."
A dog day afternoon turns into a Dogden day afternoon.
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Spending a bank holiday weekend determining through various indexes whether The Batty Man or The Kerry man represents the greater threat.
Isle of Man Haemorrhoid Challenge 1984.
Your Emotional Drain Heron voids its warranty after day 2.
Quote from: shoulders on June 15, 2022, 06:34:46 PMYour Emotional Drain Dogden voids its warranty after day 2.
Phil Mitchell and Tony Blair team up to fight crime.
Aliens make First Contact with humanity but the only one they'll speak to is Peter Kay.
The boffins all agree - they call a press conference to announce that mathematically society peaked during Peter Kay's Mum Wants a Bungalow tour, before leaving the lecture and openly weeping.
The wolf kicks your door down, eats your toes and shits on your face. Your doctor, therapist and family all agree you need to grow a pair.
Quote from: Ferris on June 15, 2022, 09:21:35 PMAliens make First Contact with humanity but the only one they'll speak to is Peter Kay.
"Your?!...Leader?!"
He invites them to a show and they particularly like the bit where he gives a shout out to the nans up at the back, "It's like Cocoon!"
A Donegal booze up turns into this season's premiere shitefest.
Broadcasting to the world that you were brought up by being hit when you were bad and 'my kid will be too'.
Quote from: Ferris on June 15, 2022, 09:21:05 PMPhil Mitchell and Tony Blair team up to fight crime.
Lovely stuff!
Quote from: Ferris on June 15, 2022, 09:21:05 PMPhil Mitchell and Tony Blair team up to fight crime.
Phil is the one with an alcohol problem, but he's always there to provide a comforting shoulder to crimes' many victims.
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Your Del boy cosplay is poorly received.
A giant Kevin Spacey balloon head floats by your house, staring in the window.
David Jason's Kia-Ora crow cosplay is rapturously received.
Fading in a hospice bed, you spend your final minutes struggling to remember the punchline to a Richard Digance joke.
You come second in a useless twat contest. Your friends and family are unanimous: you were robbed!
Your only friend is a dormant nonce who always forgets your birthday.
Nobody remarks on your new cowboy hat.
Quote from: Chicory on June 11, 2022, 12:23:15 PMYour Rednex fan club package arrives twenty seven years late at your dead mum's maisonette.
Nice
Your March 28 2032 statement claiming to be "England's last living Terf" is appalling disproved in the Daily Mail comments section.
A toffy-nosed homophobe spends Saturday evening repainting the boot-scraper and daydreaming about horseshoes.
you commit to going everywhere barefoot in the hope you'll develop callouses thick enough to trim with a knife with cows' hooves
Night out on a winter's Tuesday, "Two fat ladies, 88."
A bitter eunuch attaches a plasticine penis to a sleeping neighbour's forehead following a rained-out barbeque.
Quote from: Glebe on June 20, 2022, 02:22:05 PMA bitter eunuch attaches a plasticine penis to a sleeping neighbour's forehead following a rained-out barbeque.
Helan Penisland batters herself to death on seeing her reflection, between pointing, shouting PENIS! and uploading evidence of the evil object to twitter.
A village fete ends in disaster when the local butcher is exposed naked shagging a ham hock inside the tombola.
"I'll just close the lid so you can finish up," mutters the Major, but they can hear him orgasming all over the square.
A Preston-based Keith Harris lookalike contest goes awry when a drunken brawl breaks out onstage and several Keiths are brutally murdered.
A minor collision sends grandad's hentai collection soaring over both lanes of the M1 southbound.
A Jive Bunny completist opens fire in a garden centre.
Greg from Hove puts itching powder on his balls for kicks, "Looking forward to scratching all night!"
Sinking $1.5mil into a sandwiches advertisement jingle based on the hit song Bandages by Hot Hot Heat.
Your first sporting injury is early 30s playing football with a toddler.
ACL is fucked. Laugh it up you dickhead.
Bobby Davro tribute night next to a sewage plant.
Quote from: shoulders on June 21, 2022, 10:05:21 PMSinking $1.5mil into a sandwiches advertisement jingle based on the hit song Bandages by Hot Hot Heat.
It always did sound like Sandwiches though, don't even need to re-record it.
The local council stages a Baz Luhrmann-themed spectacular on the shitty common.
The neighbours chant "Weirdo, weirdo!" outside your house.
The bus that would've taken you to the love of your life is cancelled by a tiramisu hangover.
Dead rat & a mouldy carpet in the back yard, cobwebs clogging up the fire alarm, shriveled up slugs in the food cupboard...
Bummed by a basilisk. He makes you watch on his big fuck off telly.
An over-enthusiastic twat is mowing your living room carpet.
Sitting all lonely like in Weatherspoons, hoping your conspicuous use of an abacus sparks a conversation.
Quote from: batwings on June 24, 2022, 03:13:51 PMSitting all lonely like in Weatherspoons, hoping your conspicuous use of an abacus sparks a conversation.
...with the barmaid.
"Another Greene king please, I think I have *click clack clack* the right change!"
You are gently reminded, again, that they only take those cards that tap nowadays.
You leave, dejected, and your abacus breaks on the bus home. All coloured wooden marbles rolling about everywhere.
A setback admittedly, but to be fair you have no idea how to use an abacus and anyway there's 6 more under your bed - enough to try the "have a conversation at spoons" routine for the rest of the week.
You resolve that on Saturday you're going to pull out the big guns. A slide rule.
Dignitas decline to intervene: "too depressing".
Obsessed with linseed.
Bawtry's Top Minger 2016 flings a pad of menstruate at the municipal rhombus.
Your psyche escapes into Cash in the Attic and gets sold on to an enthusiast of memorabilia from the Third Reich for one pound.
Next door neighbour is inviting local folk into his garden to "Examine my frenulum and win prizes!"
When I was about 15 I worked in a shit shop, and a man in his 70s started complaining to me about types of sponge ("some do not properly absorb water, they only work to move it about").
My shit shop didn't sell sponges, so it must have been his go-to conversational topic. Even at the time I thought "this cunt is desolate".
Quote from: Ferris on June 25, 2022, 02:42:35 PMWhen I was about 15 I worked in a shit shop, and a man in his 70s started complaining to me about types of sponge ("some do not properly absorb water, they only work to move it about").
My shit shop didn't sell sponges, so it must have been his go-to conversational topic. Even at the time I thought "this cunt is desolate".
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Locked in a van with Zane Lowe, him refusing to concede he dislikes any song ever recorded. No common ground.
Saturday night. Full skin tag audit.
Mortimer Glansfeast takes his girlfriend to Weatherspoons as a birthday treat.
A garishly-coloured disco dancer vomits into a Betamax near Holmfirth.
Fresh from 4 days swearing at pylons, your potato underpants wither from overuse.
Mick Hucknell sneers at your cardigan.
We're only making plans for Dogdon
Keith of Hull has the world's largest collection of broken hummingbirds.
After observing you for two stops on the Jubilee Line, Alistair McGowan adds you to his repertoire.
A hipster nerd in 2013 going for psychoanalysis.
For an anthropological experiment you spend a day of statutory annual leave mirroring the moves of a local seagull. This involves pecking at the remains of an apple core, shrieking at children and shitting on the pedestrian zone of Belper high street. This ends up a wasted endeavour as those were all things you were planning on doing anyway.
Tiverton's Most Intriguing Anus, 2006.
Perthshire is inundated with sex-mad furries during a wild pony outbreak.
Burpham's annual black and white minstrel tribute party receives a like from Carol Vorderman.
Chinning a paper boy for insufficient deference and 'poor gait'.
Mark Wahlberg cosplay.
Bootle's most disappointing post office held up by man wearing home made Tom O' Connor mask.
Being called a 'stupid fucking dipshit cunt' by the regional manager for your attempts at forging a skeleton key for 'all kids bedrooms in the Whalley/Clitheroe' area out of the shins of previous victims during your lunch breaks at Claires Accessories.
Roger Daltry fanfic.
A non-Suggs member of Madness follows you home.
While using your bath, Jim Davidson undergoes significant curdling.
As the first human steps onto the surface of Mars, Geoffrey reflects that you're never more than about 3 feet from a rectum.
Quote from: batwings on June 29, 2022, 03:14:43 PMA non-Suggs member of Madness follows you home
A whole queue of them wacky dancing to the Kwik Fit jingle
Heatwave, constipated, fat fly buzzing, next door blasting out a song with whistling in it.
Some ignoble, sputile defecant, a failed abortion and general foul-pants plague rider, is slightly too slow for your liking packing their stuff at the till.
The bucket of offal that replaced you post-redundancy passes the probationary period.
Quote from: batwings on June 29, 2022, 03:14:43 PMWhile using your bath, Jim Davidson undergoes significant curdling.
True deso, that. Bravo
Your five-year-old daughter asks for a "painal" birthday party.
A trillionaire sacks all it's staff, gives itself a bonus and buys The Isle of Wight, turning it into a private getaway which he renames 'Epstein Island'.
Your career in pallet management ends after being caught wanking in the pallets, scraping cum off the pallets, defiling the pallets with rituals, creating a 'ethnically pure' pallet, destroying a pallet with your forearms, trying to listen to a pallet for 3 months to 'understand it', painting a pallet 'Gay', selling 400 pallets at illegal knockoff rates to Steak Terry, having a 'pallet war', divorcing your wife and sitting on 'Pallety' your new best mate and 'Bezzing around like a madman'.
At what point in the process was I caught?
Martin Goggins of Inverness is caught stimulating his frenulum in an outhouse.
Against her express wishes, you use the wedding speech to explain how you'd "beat probably any of them at QI".
Quote from: Glebe on June 30, 2022, 07:32:03 PMMartin Goggins of Inverness is caught stimulating his frenulum in an outhouse.
Martin Goggins from the outhouse, from the outhouse, Martin Goggins
Stephen Fry whimsically narrates your prostate examination.
Berwick becomes a hive of activity as Philip Schofield visits with a truckload of out-of-date pasties.
You envy the simple life of a lugworm.
You've become increasingly bothered by the infinite patience of the looming void.
Fallen into a state of disrepair, your rectum has become a mecca for local ne'er-do-wells.
Rowing to the Isle of Staffa to visit Klimpton's Benffy only to find your friend made it up and it doesn't exist. 'What is a Benffy, anyway?' you despair, up into the dampness of the Hebdride's dismal miasma.
Also you forget to visit Fingal's Cave you absolute write-off. The puffins all hate you and try to beak you into the sea. You are forced through self defence to suplex a bushel of them onto a jut.
The scrubland of your hindquarters have become ungovernable belsen
Your daughter falls in with a bad crowd and adopts the identity "Cyberslut"
48 years old she is.
Saturday and, oof, I don't know, sometimes you just can't resurrect a rodent, or suck off a monkey, without a BBC camera crew ruining the moment in hi-def.
Your stint as a Jesuit scribe births the maxim 'turn that frown upside down'.
Accidentally getting cast in a production entitled 'The Midwich Cuckold'.
Deliberately getting cast in a production entitled 'The Midwich Cuckold'.
A non-zero amount of your brain is taken up by Steve Penk.
The direction of the wind displeases you greatly today, and so you set fire to the seneschal's knees.
Yet another top-notch placenta ends up in the bin, despite its having definitely been pledged to you during a scat & heroin debauch.
I've never been to Berkshire and it could be a really nice place for all I know but just to inform you that it is currently the place to be I'd you want your balls crushed by an irate dragon.
Last bus breaks down 20 miles from your stop in the swampy confines if what can only be described as 'arseville'.
Your pug's cataracted eye juice contaminates your cauldron of food bank slop.
Forced to attend one of Eddie Marsan's dinner parties.
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You begin a fully physical relationship with your latest shart.
Monday, 4AM, translating The Silmarillion into Klingon.
Adorned with the chin of an ancestor.
Smelly old people want to touch it.
A stand-up routine to stave off starvation begins with a bit about missing socks.
Quote from: Glebe on July 03, 2022, 04:59:30 PMMonday, 4AM, translating The Silmarillion into Klingon.
Unaware of this unannounced event, the many adherents of the 4AM club (https://www.cookdandbombd.co.uk/forums/index.php?PHPSESSID=jj55oflrerleqvloiijmibc5em&topic=71926.0) are forced to sit around wanking, or widdling I think it's called, and/or generating Dungeons & Dragons characters.
I have read the Silmarillion at 4am during those early days of parenting where you go slightly mad. Not my favourite read-through it I'm honest.
Try reading it in Klingon!
I'm reading it now. I've read far more desolate books.
It's good! Lots of clever allegories and parallels to British and welsh mythology. You have to be somewhat into the legendarium but it's a book for proper nerds so it's a bit self-selecting.
I've attempted to read it twice and failed.
Some nerd you are!
I voluntarily read mythology pages on wikipedia and the Hobbit/LotR trilogy were some of the first "proper" books I read so it's right up my alley.
Quote from: Ferris on July 04, 2022, 12:48:05 AMI voluntarily read mythology pages on wikipedia and the Hobbit/LotR trilogy were some of the first "proper" books I read so it's right up my alley.
desolation (of Smaug)
I bought the Iliad once thinking it would make me cleverer and lasted 3 pages. I use it as a stand to put my xbox on.
Deso.
Also bought it, never read it. Mrs Ferris said it's not easy going and she's mad into books so that's her way of saying it's shite.
I don't reckon we're missing out and it's however many thousand fucking pages. Who has the time (apart from my wife I suppose).
I am going to try and self perform it whilst reading it, how Homer would have wanted it consumed.
Alone. To myself. In my room.
"Unfinished Tales" is (are?) great. The title is unappetising but, deceptively, it does contain finished tales. The story of Turin Turambar is worth it alone, in my reckoning. If you care about this stuff.
Quote from: Ferris on July 04, 2022, 12:48:05 AMSome nerd you are!
I voluntarily read mythology pages on wikipedia and the Hobbit/LotR trilogy were some of the first "proper" books I read so it's right up my alley.
Just reread
LotR recently, although I didn't make it through the appendices a second time. I'm reading
Dune at the mo (very slowly... dunno, just have a bit of an anxiety-related attention-deficit thing right now).
Another book I can't seem to through is Stephen King's
It. The furthest I've made it is approx 300 pages in.
I liked It at the time but would NEVER go back to it. It's doubly egregious because the Stand is a big thick beast but is actually a masterpiece (in my opinion) so he has the ability. His short form is better though.
Quote from: bgmnts on July 04, 2022, 12:57:15 AMI liked It at the time but would NEVER go back to it. It's doubly egregious because the Stand is a big thick beast but is actually a masterpiece (in my opinion) so he has the ability. His short form is better though.
I think he was off his face on coke when he wrote
It.
When he wrote what?
Hahahahaha.
But yes he had a serious drug problem.
I have a very distinct memory of being offered a chance to either play crash bandicoot on my cousins PS1 or read 2 chapters of LotR, and choosing the latter.
As a parent, looking back, that's an amazing con job. Kids are idiots.
Aldridge is inundated with gone-off frozen turkies thanks to a huge freezer explosion.
Quote from: Glebe on July 04, 2022, 07:02:40 AMAldridge is inundated with gone-off frozen turkies thanks to a huge freezer explosion.
At the Morrisons or the tesco? Because the tesco is a bit further out but the freezer bit of Morrisons is dug deep into the concrete so it would operate like a blast chamber and spare the town the worst of the poultry conflagration.
Think on.
As you sit in an unfamiliar stool in a gents toilet in Marlborough, there is the shuffling of feet and a whirring sound before you see an auger bit drilling onto one side of the cubicle. In disbelief you cannot get the words out before the whirring sound starts up again and another hole is augered out on the other side of the cubile. A rancid smelling cock pokes your left ear and then you realise Douglas Murray is amongst these misusers of this public convenience as he clears his throat and speaks his drivel at you for 30 minutes.
Quote from: Ferris on July 04, 2022, 12:54:03 PMAt the Morrisons or the tesco? Because the tesco is a bit further out but the freezer bit of Morrisons is dug deep into the concrete so it would operate like a blast chamber and spare the town the worst of the poultry conflagration.
Think on.
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Your favourite childhood YouTuber now shills crypto and NFTs.
Those first four words alone is probably enough for a lot of people on here though.
Your nan's hometown supermarket is belittled by Glebe in a deso thread.
Quote from: Ferris on July 04, 2022, 09:37:32 PMYour nan's hometown supermarket is belittled by Glebe in a deso thread.
She's one of the Shreddies Nans.
A gloating cynic watches you fail to enjoy the simple pleasures of a library book.
Alone, getting married to nobody in a candlelit ceremony in the under stairs cupboard.
Geoffrey Crease the butcher is parked in your driveway again.
talking to a bag of salad from the estate takeaway
Shredded by anxiety and temporal psoriasis at the Malvern cheese grater expo.
Getting rid of your glans one layer and a time.
Waiting in an emergency room with your cock, balls AND hand stuck in a Pringles tube.
Devonshire grinds to a halt as an outbreak of escaped cows causes mayhem and disfigurement.
A smelly neurodiverse on community service smears WD-40 on a toasted hinge for nightmeal.
Lurpak crisis.
It's only 'Baby P' because you worked through the alphabet until you got caught.
Going to Wednesday work drinks with bozos from the office during your week off.
As executor of the estate, you have to cancel grandad's direct debit for "The Poon-Tang Collective".
Your cat reveals it speaks English, but explains it has "gone out of its way" to avoid your conversation.
Quote from: bgmnts on July 04, 2022, 12:57:15 AMI liked It at the time but would NEVER go back to it. It's doubly egregious because the Stand is a big thick beast but is actually a masterpiece (in my opinion) so he has the ability. His short form is better though.
Yea it's all about the bachmans
You read any Ligotti yet?
Quote from: Buttered Ghost on July 04, 2022, 09:08:12 PMYour favourite childhood YouTuber now shills crypto and NFTs.
Preferred it when he was snuffing people out in the woods with a slate ripper
Quote from: PlanktonSideburns on July 08, 2022, 06:23:32 PMYea it's all about the bachmans
You read any Ligotti yet?
I have not, fittingly for the deso thread I keep buying mountains of books despite being perma-dolescum and never read them.
However, I will make it my mission to read a Ligotti short story this weekend.
Quote from: bgmnts on July 08, 2022, 06:30:18 PMI have not, fittingly for the deso thread I keep buying mountains of books despite being perma-dolescum and never read them.
However, I will make it my mission to read a Ligotti short story this weekend.
Nice! Need to dig up my copy of My Work Is Not Yet Done
There's a couplea decent audio book reads in YouTube also (couplea rubs ones too)
Nothing wrong with buying lots of books
Ooh actually some real life Ligotti related deso
Looking for Ligotti audio books, once found a podcast feed that had one episode, a guy with chronic bronchitis trying to read a Ligotti short story, but is overcome within 10min by uncontrollable angonising sounding coughs
Not sure why he uploaded it tbh
It was like a gothic Brian butterfield tragedy
4 books on the bookshelf in my office, 1.5 are unread. Pathetic.
Quote from: PlanktonSideburns on July 08, 2022, 06:35:29 PMOoh actually some real life Ligotti related deso
Looking for Ligotti audio books, once found a podcast feed that had one episode, a guy with chronic bronchitis trying to read a Ligotti short story, but is overcome within 10min by uncontrollable angonising sounding coughs
Not sure why he uploaded it tbh
I tried to do this last month with an X-Men review podcast and yeah dunno what I was thinking, so I empathise with Johnny Bronchitis. Suppose he was just passionate about Ligotti!
Quote from: Ferris on July 08, 2022, 06:42:52 PM4 books on the bookshelf in my office, 2.5 are unread. Pathetic.
I have at least 16 books on my floor next to my bed (box room innit), all of them unread and lots covered in grubby detritus and tea stains. It's a different dimension of shame.
I mean, I own more than 4 books, but these are the ones I've chosen to have next to me all day and I haven't even made an attempt on one of them.
What are these showbooks I'm intrigued.
I hope one of them is something shit like Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance.
Quote from: bgmnts on July 08, 2022, 07:17:19 PMWhat are these showbooks I'm intrigued. I hope one of them is something shit like Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance.
(https://i.imgur.com/wW0KJLo.png)
Read (good), halfway through, read (good but dull), not even started.
In my defence, it
is my office and two at least are related to my field of (limited) expertise. They are not in webcam shot because I loathe people who put books in their frame to appear well-read.
Quote from: bgmnts on July 08, 2022, 06:47:50 PMI tried to do this last month with an X-Men review podcast and yeah dunno what I was thinking, so I empathise with Johnny Bronchitis. Suppose he was just passionate about Ligotti!
I have at least 16 books on my floor next to my bed (box room innit), all of them unread and lots covered in grubby detritus and tea stains. It's a different dimension of shame.
I think he thought sounding like he's dying was a good voice for it. He's not wrong, my favourite readers of ligotti sound weak and bored. People doing it in a creepy voice spoil it
Quote from: Ferris on July 08, 2022, 07:35:12 PM(https://i.imgur.com/wW0KJLo.png)
Read (good), halfway through, read (good but dull), not even started.
In my defence, it is my office and two at least are related to my field of (limited) expertise. They are not in webcam shot because I loathe people who put books in their frame to appear well-read.
I think you should put them up on webcam, but also put up some issues of Razzle and Mayfair and Nuts and stuff just to balance it out.
Quote from: PlanktonSideburns on July 08, 2022, 08:14:23 PMI think he thought sounding like he's dying was a good voice for it. He's not wrong, my favourite readers of ligotti sound weak and bored. People doing it in a creepy voice spoil it
Well that's an interesting spin on it. I shall be thinking weak and bored now when I'm reading whatever of his tickles my fancy. For better or worse.
Well, I will probably be studying and banging out half an assignment in-between, so I hope I can go into with a certain mindset! Or will I need like an entire day to soak his shit in my brain?
Legend Rishi switches on the Spoons deals for another summer of debauched magic
It is revealed by fellow school day drones that you were known as the boy who was 'second best at drawing ovals'.
Quote from: bgmnts on July 08, 2022, 06:47:50 PMI tried to do this last month with an X-Men review podcast and yeah dunno what I was thinking, so I empathise with Johnny Bronchitis. Suppose he was just passionate about Ligotti!
I have at least 16 books on my floor next to my bed (box room innit), all of them unread and lots covered in grubby detritus and tea stains. It's a different dimension of shame.
You appeared on an xmen review podcast?
Quote from: bgmnts on July 08, 2022, 08:29:04 PMWell, I will probably be studying and banging out half an assignment in-between, so I hope I can go into with a certain mindset! Or will I need like an entire day to soak his shit in my brain?
I'm not sure really? Just go for it and see what happens ini
Quote from: PlanktonSideburns on July 08, 2022, 09:36:07 PMYou appeared on an xmen review podcast?
No I created one.
And i'll def get on the ligotti tomorrow after studying.
'Ringworm's Greatest Moments: A Discussion', this Monday in Pendleton town hall!
Quote from: bgmnts on July 08, 2022, 10:33:29 PMNo I created one.
And i'll def get on the ligotti tomorrow after studying.
Ooh nice! Would like to check that out
Quote from: PlanktonSideburns on July 08, 2022, 11:05:13 PMOoh nice! Would like to check that out
https://feeds.acast.com/public/shows/629a2148e621ce00138f7608
Here y'are. Unsure if i'll do another one but I might do.
Dad's Army reboot set during the Falklands War.
A heated game of Cluedo ends in a protracted destruction of your mother's skull using the miniature candlestick.
Quote from: bgmnts on July 08, 2022, 11:13:11 PMhttps://feeds.acast.com/public/shows/629a2148e621ce00138f7608
Here y'are. Unsure if i'll do another one but I might do.
Aah lovely! Will get it down me
Quote from: pancreas on July 09, 2022, 09:40:00 AMA heated game of Cluedo ends in a protracted destruction of your mother's skull using the miniature candlestick.
My mother?! :(
It's time to commemorate your 900th consecutive day of LARPing as Arnold Rimmer
Quote from: Vodkafone on July 09, 2022, 09:43:41 AMIt's time to commemorate your 900th consecutive day of LARPing as Arnold Rimmer
You do it by getting all your Captain Scarlet costumed clones out of the cupboard to join you in a rousing chorus of "Arnold, Arnold, Arnold Rimmer..."
Quote from: Vodkafone on July 09, 2022, 09:43:41 AMIt's time to commemorate your 900th consecutive day of LARPing as Arnold Rimmer
40 days long service, 200 days long service, 500 days long service and.... 900 days long service.
Quote from: Ferris on July 04, 2022, 01:47:46 AMI have a very distinct memory of being offered a chance to either play crash bandicoot on my cousins PS1 or read 2 chapters of LotR, and choosing the latter.
You were 28 at the time.
Hoping to snare some based Christian snatch online, a divorced poundshop redundand boasts he is single and ready to Christingle.
Poundland seppuku
The juice under your foreskin is now so furiously effervescent people are starting to hear it
On the plus side the resultant alcohol from the fermentation finally convinces you to give up on your AA meetings.
Now that Ryan Binns is at the bottom of a gravel pit, you are the undisputed East Midlands king of decorative aggregates.
An Alfa Romeo comes crashing through the window of a salad bar in Stepney. The driver is fine but several vegans have to be 'spatulaed' off the fender.
Saturday night in with some stale custard creams and a well-thumbed Jeffrey Archer.
Quote from: batwings on July 10, 2022, 02:25:29 PMSaturday night in with some stale custard creams and a well-thumbed Jeffrey Archer.
Just as long as you wash your thumbs before eating y'custard creams. Poor Jeffrey's anus!
Quote from: Glebe on July 10, 2022, 02:36:09 PMJust as long as you wash your thumbs before eating y'custard creams. Poor Jeffrey's anus!
Thumbing it in with Jeffrey Archer.
You were brought up a hippy, live and breathe hippy and come from a long line of permanent contract hippies. Too bad a genetic glitch determined that you resembled Buster era Phil Collins at the age of eleven.
Bettered by a modern-day grungy mini mosher. Same as it was 20 years ago for you.
Dipping your knob in the sugar and standing in the greenhouse to see if any of the local cats are interested. 138 Saturdays later, still inconclusive. Round 139 is go next weekend
"Ho ho ho," Green Giant cosplay.
Doc says, "You got AIDS bad, like Baby P bad."
You find your dad's wedding ring while fisting your partner
Lab tests reveal your milk penis is 98% fungible.
Pity it's still attached.
You write the sentence "I have a passion for local business development", and mean it.
After being denied a Twix as a final meal, you are filmed expressing your last words: 'To all key workers and NHS staff: Fuck off and die'.
Your attempt at a robot grandma is a failure. Which is what your clockwork uncle said would happen.
Belted up the arse by a defrosted paedophile from the 15th century.
Ending a friendship after reading about him relaxing under a pergola. All contact severed.
Despite the success of your revolutionary new deep fried anus business, you are ostracized from the deeply conservative anus community.
Successfully sued by a destitute tramp after hiring 'the best of the best' as counsel.
54 year old man in the queue for the A level results party at your local nitespot
Sir Keir Starmer describes your daughter as 'actionable'.
Quote from: Captain Poodle Basher on July 11, 2022, 08:47:41 PMYour attempt at a robot grandma is a failure. Which is what your clockwork uncle said would happen.
Terrific
Elon Musk's Lusty Dad
Weatherspoons End Of Life Care.
Your prized Nissan Bluebird being used as a wank booth.
Quote from: shoulders on July 14, 2022, 10:20:15 PMSir Keir Starmer describes your daughter as 'actionable'.
Like
Quote from: batwings on July 15, 2022, 07:43:57 PMWeatherspoons End Of Life Care.
Managers Special End of Life Care in Gravy
£2.99
Belted up the arse by a furious tumescent Richard Dawkins vowing to 'remove all of your primitive, fatuous delusions'.
Epitaph engraved on headstone:
'Crumbling like pastries'
Bye Maureen mate
41 people drown in the quagmire at Gloucestershire's inaugural Tough Cummer.
The NHS returns your stool sample. A note written in crayon reads 'unacceptable mouthfeel'.
A disenchanted nihilist takes up 'discarded-cheese-pack- licking' as a hobby near Dartford.
A sock-puppet's ennui.
You try to subscribe to ExpressVPN but accidentally subscribe to Daily ExpressVPN
Your blow up sex doll Gamgee has attained festering purulence.
You receive a reply to the letter you sent to the house opposite.
Your letter said
'Dear Neighbour,
I am a sad sweating fat autistic cunt with Klippel-Feil syndrome, crippling mental health problems, aversion to sunlight, a micro penis and no friends. I am a paedophile and molestor of not only human children. Please can I crawl into your back garden at midnight and cum on all the gnomes
Thank you kindly'
The reply, received today:
'Hello,
Yes, you can.
Kind regards'
"Phew, this heatwave is something else!" smiles Mr. Bumblegees as he suffocates you with a warm eiderdown.
Much muted, reluctant applause as Baxter 'Bugger Grips' Bratley once again wins the annual Bummee of Bicester award.
Quote from: Chicory on July 18, 2022, 03:40:57 PMMuch muted, reluctant applause as Baxter 'Bugger Grips' Bratley once again wins the annual Bummee of Bicester award.
First prize is a visit to the local walrus.
"Excuse me sir, is this your arse?"
"No, but it's slightly less fat then mine so I'll exchange it. You don't want my arse? I'll pay you to take it!"
"SECURITY!"
A sentimental paedophile completes his pilgrimage to the BBC radio studios in Broadcasting House.
"An inspiration".
Cock-slapped in a Wimpy by Nigel Havers.
Donegal STD competition. Donal O' Testicles wins, fifth year in a row for the Crabbin' Cretin.
You decide to give up your human toilet sideline on ethical grounds after reading an article on brownface
You take up shadow boxing and accidentally spark out your dad while he's wearing his leather gimp suit.
Quote from: frajer on July 19, 2022, 07:03:32 PMYou take up shadow boxing and accidentally spark out your dad while he's wearing his leather gimp suit.
Still, shame to waste an opportunity
Your fan letter to Delta Goodrem stipulates 'just the acting, none of that belsen caterwauling you got up to afterwards'.
Rishi Sunak can sniff his own anus. "Its an old family trick!"
Returning an exclusive Indian banquet because 'this is Dalit cum!!'
A Graham Norton fanatic abducts the popular chat host, drugging him and making a plaster cast of his naked body. Norton is returned to his bed and wakes up completely unaware of the ordeal.
But the cast has been made. THE CAST HAS BEEN MADE.
You are banned from hosting Naruto-Con by the Council of Elders for being "a bit odd".
Banned from the bulimia support group when they discover you're only there to indulge your vomit fetish.
A light celebration is in order, napkins, Prosecco: you've finally directed your belches, via funnelling, to the children's hospice.
Your homemade colostomy bag earns you lots of admiring looks down on the nude beach, you incorrectly perceive.
You bring home a Jedward, put him in a nice cage, eventually lose interest, forget to feed him and, weeks later, have to bury him by the fence in the back garden. It's Michael Aspel all over again!
After bristling at the term Dolescum you turn around to see that it is actually former Senator Bob Dole's cum that is being passed around a coven of thirsty adherents.
Your claim to fame is gag-writing on Grumpy Old Women for Jenny Eclair.
Years later, she blanks you in Liverpool Street Station's WH Smiths.
Editing together a compilation of clips from the end of old game shows where they announce that one of the contestants has since died, for a man called Daggs who isn't even going to say thank you.
A man on trial for aggravated racial assault presents his ownership of a DVD Desmond's series 3 as his main defence
Your attempt to retrofit further fuckholes into the Piers Corbyn real doll results in irretrievable spoiling and a voided warranty.
You find your old swimming certificates in a charity shop for £0:20p
"Never felt so alive!" after wasp stings meatus.
Tricked into slutdropping to Eric Clapton's 'Tears In Heaven' at Heraklion airport.
Sir Tristam Wormthrall votes for deterioration.
Slapped awake in a gutter.
After a dispute regarding a thimble you banish sister Patsy to the shadowrealm.
Hunted down in a desolate alleyway by Nigel Pivaro driving a Mk3 Capri.
As he catches up with you, you notice that the right inner headlight isn't working.
Your last conscious thought is "That's an MOT fail right there."
Quote from: Captain Poodle Basher on July 24, 2022, 06:48:43 PMHunted down in a desolate alleyway by Nigel Pivaro driving a Mk3 Capri.
As he catches up with you, you notice that the right inner headlight isn't working.
Your last conscious thought is "That's an MOT fail right there."
Amazing
Your pilgrimage to Magnetic North is finally at an end, and bonus you can get a sandwich at the Greggs at Doncaster Station then get home in half an hour on the train!
Quote from: Chicory on July 23, 2022, 10:11:40 PMTricked into slutdropping to Eric Clapton's 'Tears In Heaven' at Heraklion airport.
Excellent
You use your Centenarian Bounty to buy machines to kill and maim local pets.
Spitting pissy icicles out of your urinating hole like a fucked up woodchipper
Your epitaph amendment ensures your dog Dogface is immortalised as a 'Riddled AIDS BEAST'
Your Dumfries leper colony is refused exemption from child protection regulations: 'Unfortunately, the 16th century legislation you cited was repealed by William of Orange.'
Deepak Chopra texts you 'Me in ur arse later 8pm?'
An Are You Being Served? cosplay session ends in an unpleasant orgy.
Longest Frenulum Competition, Goole.
Getting awoken from your dream of being rogered by Tregard from Knightmare
You cower in awe as your frenulum comes loose and begins to mate with a rare form of rabies.
A Nigel Havers-themed party descends into chaos when somebody turns up as Simon MacCorkindale.
"I printed his face off the internet and glued it to a cornflakes packet. All that trouble only to discover it's a Havers bash! Fuck my life!"
Punching a reversible mood octopus inside out
(accidentally) fisting an reversible octopus
Getting your cock wedged stuck in the reversible octopus you're using as a flesh light.
Norbert gets himself into a proper Dentressangle
Your attempts to better yourself through forging positive connections with others leave you destitute, dead and upturned in a skip.
Your homemade Sybian leaves you for the fox in the bingo ads.
Settling for a pasty-faced dollop.
Funeral arrangements are a scotch egg, a garbled Jasper Carrot routine and a memorial booklet produced by Gary's Fliers.
The controller of Rotherham traffic lights orders an underling to track down a miscreant viewable on the screens and 'bring him to me, have him bummed in advance'.
As a young intern at Speedo, your task is to "conceive a campaign that will once and for all sever any assocation between our product and sex pests and paedophiles" - informs marketing director Ralf as he massages your shoulders, in only his Speedos.
Sexual fetish guilt and shame envelopes you during an eulogy for your daughter's late pet pangolin.
You daydream about infertility whilst crossing to a traffic island.
Bobby McFerrin meets Liz Truss for 5 minutes, and burns the master tapes of Don't Worry, Be Happy
Todd Carty shouts at you for accidentally knocking over his bins.
You become emotionally dependent on Dettol.
DJ Casper and Fatman Scoop collaborate and leave it all on the field, musically speaking.
You stupidly fed Haddaway when you found him outside the library and now he's followed you home.
Dignitas family package.
The recording session for Your Dad's new album
Midnight Dildonics
In a Tasmanian recording studio is delayed after a fistful of lube
(next album name sorted! He proclaims from his hospital bed)
shorts out an arduino Lynn Drum cv out > Butt plug vibration dynamics interface, severely cooking You'r Dad from the inside
As he slipped unconscious, a little voice was heard to wimper
Please tell me you got that on tape son
The DNA test results are imminent. It's either yours or Vince Cable's.
No matter what life support machine they try to hook you up to, they all won't work. They refuse.
Ken Livingstone invites you out for a curry then bums you behind a Debenhams.
Quote from: Glebe on July 31, 2022, 01:37:09 PMKen Livingstone invites you out for a curry then bums you behind a Debenhams.
At least he's discreet.
Quote from: batwings on July 31, 2022, 02:04:15 PMAt least he's discreet.
Did I mention Starmer and Corbyn were watching?
Quote from: Glebe on July 31, 2022, 01:37:09 PMKen Livingstone invites you out for a curry then bums you behind a Debenhams.
Very good, I like
Travelling paedophile class on a dogshit fuelled hovercraft from Rotherham to Moorthorpe.
You awaken from an erotically charged dream about Rob Curling to find your legs repossessed
Waking to JK Rowlings grey scrotum being dragged back and forth across your eyeballs.
Flaying your 7 year old stepsister with a birch after criticising her cameraphone video of you throwing tiles into a mudflat as having 'lamentably poor composition' and 'dogshit dogshit of the shittest dogshit Mise-en-scène'.
Your family consists of three small bottles of piss called Roger, Ann and Godfrey. Ann is your nearest relative for purposes of the Mental Health Act.
Daughter's first words: "vinegar strokes"
Tinder date leaves your flat in a hurry, claiming the bathtub overflowing with human remains has 'completely ruined the mood'.
You reach emotional Sunderland bearing witness to the crucifixion of an incompetent wheelwright.
Stapling your snotty hankies onto the village scapegoat.
"Mummy, what's ticket scalping?"
"It's what mummy and daddy do for for a living, 'sweetheart'..."
You listlessly finger a banjo as the photocopier repairman wipes sweat from his hirsute crack.
Quote from: Joe Qunt on August 01, 2022, 02:10:59 PMYou listlessly finger a banjo as the photocopier repairman wipes sweat from his hirsute crack.
"Same time next week then?"
"If you like"
You hand him a fifty and go to tidy yourself up.
Down the front for two hours of Jim Davidson 'uncensored', he's practically spitting on you, "OI FACKING 'ATE WOMEN!"
You forgot to put any fuckin noggins in
Boss turns up, and is immediacy like
Where's the fucking NOGS?! Fucks up?
Gambling the mortgage on converting photos of your nan into NFTs.
Belted up the arse by Cheshire's youngest auctioneer. Throughout he bangs the gavel on your back and screams SOLD!!!
You offend a Nigerian family. On purpose.
An aid worker asks an impoverished Malawian family where he can get proper fish and chips round here.
A convicted flasher attempts to beat the land speed record on a mouldy tricycle
A grotty bloke films an elaborate solo wanking video with a proper storyline, script, characters, everything. He opens Pornhub to upload it but ultimately decides against it
Slowly ripped to bits by the skerry's resident dickhead tern.
Robert Downey Jnr. goes bankrupt and ends up doing donkey rides on Blackpool Beach to make ends meet. There's an element of schadenfreude that would amuse some, but the sight of him arguing with the donkeys is just heartbreaking.
Just as switch the bedroom light off, all the neighbours lean out their windows and shout "STOP PLAYING WITH YOURSELF YOU SAD WANKER!"
A boomer in a golf shirt pushes in front of you for the jukebox and slides a £50 into the slot. You don't see every song he selects, but it's basically all Grand Funk Railroad.
Your favourite lunchtime park bench is bulldozed to make way for an establishment tentatively named The Shittiest Arse.
You engage in emotional frottage with the manager of your local Polish supermarket.
"We stop. It's sore."
Shut the fuck up.
A throng of cloven-hoofed dead-eyes gather around the freshly crowned Potato King, Martin Lewis, preparing their sewer-bound tributes, grey of jowel - the benighted, both ashen and awestruck.
A conveyor flatulates into action. First up, a McDonald's discount just legible on a shat-through bus receipt. Dreams of Albion stunned with an insect gun and held captive in a fat plastic egg. An effigy of Craptain Tom Moore that belts out 'BRITAIN' when headbutted. A partially gestated foetus with an all body Leave.EU tattoo. An imagined map of the Isle of Wight 'if there were no blacks there' drawn in biro. Seven (battery) eggy soldiers dipped in union jack yolk. Economy pig holocorpse bacon spelling out Lions of England on a Love Island duvet cover. Proof of purchase of a bag of table salt. Driver 3 on PS2. Someone's gall bladder. A toblerone of the Sphinx. Teletext screenshot with an arrow and key labelled 'when thing weres better'. A plague pit of Chelsea Pensioners scattered with model spitfires, glued and painted by a presentable selection of Britain's bravest lepers. The comminuted blood of grazed knees, electrocuted infants, mangled bulldog faces unhewn in a barefist fight to the death outside Leominster Heron for the tasty lung from a healthy paedophile and the untimely nosebleed of a bestiality veteran.
As England's Lion John Terry comperes, belting out Jerusalem off-key into the left channel, Martin, King Of Spuds commands his prating savers to "turn those frowns upside down with a killer deal on cash ISAs that have a potential max yield of £84 a year, straight in the pocket of Britain's working people". Billy Bragg is located and lynched. A feral kitchen inspector condemns a disused quarry to the effect of nothing. A sniggering ferret gnawing through a cassette tape of Candle In The Wind in a layby has the answer to it all drilled with a to-scale sex machine up its colon. The ragged message: 'jumbo sausage chips wrapped up boss'.
Craig David orders a Big Mac in Denby.
You wake up naked in a ditch in Rotherham with Rolf Harris' face tattooed on your frenulum.
Ian Duncan Smith shoves you at a urinal.
The ghost of George Michael strangles all twelve of your child support sprogs.
Your bum doctor wants to see other people.
A West Country vivisectionist has her box room converted so she can work from home.
You crash into the back of a Chrysler on the M18. The other party is Jim Davidson. You exchange details and both have to wait for recovery on the hard shoulder. It's a 90 minute eta and Jim has new material to share with you...
Quote from: Glebe on August 04, 2022, 06:24:26 PMThe ghost of George Michael strangles all twelve of your child support sprogs.
Fuck me, this one got me good
Money Saving Expert encourages sneering at users of foodbanks (https://forums.moneysavingexpert.com/discussion/6374618/money-moral-dilemma-should-someone-who-earns-a-decent-wage-use-food-banks)
During your check up, you overhear your doctor mutter "phimotic frenulum..."
Going to work on zero sleep because you spent all night perfecting a comedy racist Asian accent.
You discuss inventing a political philosophy called "Meta-Centrism" during an interview with the Guardian.
Shit divining in a poorly lit substation.
A fly-ridden Guernsey newsagent in the '70s, where a rabid bulldog is chewing your anus off.
Your male grooming company Herod of Shaves folds shortly after its first year accounts are submitted.
Rumpole of the Bailey convicts you of bumming in Gloucester's most depressing courthouse.
The only precipitation you experience all summer is the Sarsonsy rain dripping down from the decomposing arse crack of an unloved scaffoldsman flopped 23 feet heavenwards.
Your electric toothbrush is confiscated by the council and everybody knows exactly why.
Grandad leaves it all to Dobbies Garden centre - Shrewsbury.
Relentless belt-tightening has forced your arthritic parents to sustain themselves with what they call 'motorway greens'.
Your line manager climbs into the desk on all fours, purrs like a cat and tells you that your quarterly performance review is shagadelic baby!
That's not Dream Topping dribbling out y'cock it's YELLOW PUS AIDS.
Disgraced sewer technician takes trip to the Isle of Man to get hammered and have "lone wank party".
The prostitute you've hired makes a 'disappointed' noise like a balloon deflating as soon as she lays eyes on your grotesque frenulum, here in this abandoned shed near Frinton-on-Sea.
Your parents move to Minehead. You realize this means you will now spend a significant amount of your limited time in the UK in Minehead.
You are delighted, as they previously lived in Walsall.
You become known as the 'Felixstowe Nutcase' for no discernable reason.
"How many stars out of five would you give this album?" goes the tweet.
First reply:
"0 STARS CHIEF NEVER HERD IT"
Over 1k likes and counting.
Bromley's worst hardman opens a cockfight parlour dedicated to "getting fellow boomers back on their feet."
A man has mental breakdowns so frequently that he is pushed to recount in harrowing detail an evening where everything felt sort of alright.
A clinical obstetrician upgrades your status from 'dog rough' to 'goat rough'.
Departing this green earth to the tinny strains of Kasabian played through a Samsung Galaxy SIII.
A doctored photo of you possessing a cripplingly small micro penis is so close in accuracy to the real life version it coins the term shallowfake.
Use of paper cups with a slightly smaller capacity at Debenhams free water coolers in order to reduce plastic provokes Martin Lewis to launch a campaign titled 'The Great British Debenhams Swindle'.
Feng shui is described as "a transgender activity" and banned.by the council in Little Bumfordshire.
A mirror opts out of reflecting your face.
You create a decision tree to evaluate the relative merits of getting out of bed.
"[Dapper Laughs] proposed to his longtime girlfriend Shelley in January 2018, during his eviction interview on Celebrity Big Brother."
Quote from: Sex Wax on August 06, 2022, 03:06:52 AMRelentless belt-tightening has forced your arthritic parents to sustain themselves with what they call 'motorway greens'.
I like that
Michael Gove is here to spoil Christmas
You run out of cum at the worst possible time.
Quote from: madhair60 on August 08, 2022, 09:50:42 PMYou run out of cum at the worst possible time.
Christmas day
Geoff the Bumclown, hiding behind a stack of bean tins in Waitroise, Cleethorpes. He strikes suddenly, bumming you to the sound of KC & the Sunshine Band's 'Give it Up', playing over the tannoy.
Penny Mordaunt going on a killing spree around Pontypridd in a hovercraft.
A mosquito spits your blood back in your face and leaves a scathing review of your forearm on Yelp.
Reg from Cheadle is a fan of gout.
You've gotten into the routine of first going onto the HS Art sub-forum and marking all posts as read.
Quote from: touchingcloth on August 10, 2022, 03:49:48 PMYou've gotten into the routine of first going onto the HS Art sub-forum and marking all posts as read.
You've got
my number TC!
A few years ago I was made redundant. Told by some robotic HR cunt that I was surplus to requirements. "You've been coasting here for years and haven't applied yourself to keep up with new technological developments within the company" was what he said, like he'd been watching me on a monitor for eighteen years. I'd never once clapped eyes on the cunt before then.
Anyway, long story short - I didn't know what to do with myself, got into heroin and my knob rotted off. It was a gradual process of course, I wasn't just having a slash one day and it came off in my hand still pissing into the bowl. First it started looking like an angrily seasoned chorizo and then one morning I woke up and it was lying on the bed undeniably detached from my groin. So I thought "Yeah, fair enough, I'd better do something about this."
By that time I had more or less weaned myself off the brown but as so often happens with life you take care of one problem (heroin addiction) only for another one to fill the hole it left (no penis). I went down to A&E with my cock in a shoebox and had a bit of a breakdown in front of the triage worker as the enormity of it all hit me. "Is there anything you can doooooo?" Full on Tom Hanks at the end of Captain Phillips, snot bubbles, lip curled up like a sad Billy Idol, shaking like a shitting dog, a wretched supplicant holding out his shoeboxed cock like Oliver Twist's plate.
Once I calmed down I ended up getting referred to this specialist unit right at the back of the hospital where worked a guy called Dr. Grace. You know the 1980s sitcom actor Anton Rodgers? He looked exactly like him. Long story short, he could grow me another cock. I asked him if he needed the rotted cock in the shoebox as a reference and he said no, that one's a write off and promptly binned it. Not in a furnace, literally in the bin like a disgusting limited edition sandwich. I can do you a fresh cock he says, the only snag is it will take some time and I can only grow it on a mouse's back. I wasn't too phased by this because as soon as he'd said he could grow me another cock that's exactly what I'd pictured. He said it'll take about three months but you can come and see the mouse any time and check on the new cock's progress. So I was thinking, terrific. Off the skag and new cock en route. Just to be clear, I said, probably a stupid question but when it's ready you take it off the mouse and slap it on me? It's not some monkey's paw situation where I get a new knob but there's a live mouse squirming around at the base? Oh no, Mr. capisco! And don't worry, there are no stupid questions! EVERYBODY asks that! Which made me wonder how many people are coming into Darent Valley Hospital with missing knobs and getting the new knob on a mouse treatment?
Long story short, it took a bit longer than they said. Bit frustrating. Despite my libido returning I declined from going on any dating apps because if it went well I didn't think "Are you alright with just foreplay for now? I have got a knob but it's growing on a mouse at the moment" was all that enticing patter. I did go and visit the mouse though. Running around with my lovely new knob developing on its furry little back, happy as larry. The advantage of the old one being a write off was that Dr. Grace had been generous. This one looked a good two inches longer than the factory original.
You may be wondering what the 'desolate' part of this story is. Well, I'll tell you. Day of the operation comes round, off I trot to the hozzie. A couple of nurses get me all prepared and on the operation table. And then I hear laughter coming from the other room. It's Dr. Grace, pissing himself. Then he comes out of the backroom holding something. Long story short, it was a Nik Nak sellotaped to a rat.
Cunt had mugged me off. Didn't even work there. The mouse I'd been coming to visit was a puppet with a dildo. I'm glad that Forces TV has shut down because every time May To December came on after that I wanted to chuck the telly out of the fucking window. Cunt.
You're the tragic figure of King Midas but everything you touch turns to mould rather than gold. Not really an ironic punishment of greed and more of a unfortunate lab accident.
Quote from: Ferris on August 06, 2022, 02:43:35 AMGrandad leaves it all to Dobbies Garden centre - Shrewsbury.
"well I'm not giving it to those Webbs of Wychbold fuckers".
New miracle badness cure is contraindicated for phimotics
Bempt Luego is banned in 193 nations by the UN and WHO.
Mick Hucknell explodes atop Ben Nevis, his flaming remains describing a pattern something akin to a smiling supernova.
Adam Woodyatt pleading with a manager of WH Smiths to play his cover of 'Gangnam Style' over the shop speakers.
"It's a programmed playlist looping from a central workstation, Mr. Woodyatt. I can't just stop it and put a CD-R in something. Look, why don't you try the Scope over the road?"
"OK."
"Is it called 'Ian Style'?"
"Yes."
Quote from: non capisco on August 10, 2022, 11:20:02 PMAdam Woodyatt pleading with a manager of WH Smiths to play his cover of 'Gangnam Style' over the shop speakers.
"It's a programmed playlist looping from a central workstation, Mr. Woodyatt. I can't just stop it and put a CD-R in something. Look, why don't you try the Scope over the road?"
"OK."
"Is it called 'Ian Style'?"
"Yes."
Inevitably:
(https://i.imgur.com/s5Dxmpo.gif)
Quote from: Glebe on August 10, 2022, 11:12:58 PMMick Hucknell explodes atop Ben Nevis, his flaming remains describing a pattern something akin to a smiling supernova.
Brilliant
Wanking in an inflatable boat as the rapids approach.
A mid 90s sawdust brained albatross of a child buys his dad Salt 'N' Pepa's 'Whatta Man' for Father's Day.
Marketing manager Rachel tells her husband she wants sex but "Hurry! Offer ends 8 pm! Come on my tits before it's too late!"
Local Headmaster caught dancing naked to 'Martika's Kitchen' in the local playground.
Ryan Giggs develops a special Velcro attachment for his anus.
Trying to make a new genre of music using Pete best drum loops as amen breaks
Your dad makes the obvious 'not even the best amen breaks in the Beatles joke'
Roman Abramovich drapes you in Siberian finery. He grimaces.
"It look better on Ricardo Carvalho..."
A PowerPoint fuck-up introduces your sweaty frenulum fetish to 800 conference attendees.
A man named Fuckballs Cuntface collects slug samples near Snetterton.
Tiverton to Dumfries on a saddle-less bike.
Passing someone walking Dumfries to Tiverton awkwardly holding a saddle between their legs all the way.
You don't acknowledge one another.
Quote from: jobotic on August 14, 2022, 09:54:21 PMPassing someone walking Dumfries to Tiverton awkwardly holding a saddle between their legs all the way.
You don't acknowledge one another.
Next day, sat on a large cushion in Dumfries worst pub, in he walks. Places the saddle on the bar and grins at you.
Derbyshire's weirdest hairdresser enjoys glueing his customer's leavings to his skin and howling at the moon during weekends.
You boil a Cornishman's cock in a Best Western hotel room kettle.
Rainy Monday in January, kippers for brunch, phimosis playing up, here in Davyhulme.
A misplaced bid for freedom involving a pedalo and the North Sea.
Quote from: Ferris on August 15, 2022, 12:00:53 PMA misplaced bid for freedom involving a paedo and the North Sea.
A perineum fanatic ends up embarrassing itself in Walsall during an extended pub crawl.
Your first wank in 6 months ends in disaster when the coastguard must be summoned to fish you out of your cumsock.
You haven't rang your mate Aubrey in six months but when you do he just goes "Haven't you got a job, wife and kids yet? Get that sorted first then maybe we can rekindle our life-long friendship!"
A day out at Ferrari Land Abu Dhabi (https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ferrari_World_Abu_Dhabi).
Billingsgate is overrun by wanking sailors.
Derbyshire Minge Wars.
Your shrine to Max Hardcore is unceremoniously toppled by your panting mother, to make way for a 'proper sesh like' with local snooker legend Dave Scratby.
Arrested dressed as Mr. Blobby on the way to a fancy dress party in Bootle. Wanking in public.
John Nettles condemns ITV as 'haters of white men' after his pitch for a show starring himself as Sting's right hand man falls on deaf ears.
You're barred from your local after a debate over which Simply Red lineup was best turns violent.
A 19 hour helicopter tour of a repressive gulf petrostate piloted and narrated by Michael Owen.
"Mother, this toilet water is simply marvellous!"
"More Jeyes Fluid, sir?"
"Don't mind if I do! It's strong stuff, mind!"
Two competitive paedophiles break into a sprint to rub the remnants of a girl's half finished ice cream on their cock. Chariots of Fire starts and time seems to slow.
The Boer War is reenacted beside an injured caterpillar's bespoke misery trench.
Quote from: Ferris on August 16, 2022, 05:44:33 PMA 19 hour helicopter tour of a repressive gulf petrostate piloted and narrated by Michael Owen.
Excellent, I laughed.
Pepsico funds a bursary to have your children radicalised to Norse fascism.
Your remark that Anne Frank's diary was 'all "Me, me, me" receives a round of applause from 40 colleagues.
A maudlin Norbert slams it gonads twixt two collinders.
Your wife leaves you for a cached 2003 copy of eBaum's World.
Christmas Eve spent draining a cyst
Norman Bumweavel is Taplow's Most Ineligible Bachelor for the twentieth year running.
Sobbing as you do the washing up in just your mother's girdle on the fifth anniversary of her death on Tenable.
Anne Widdecombe squeezes out a large shiny black egg then squats over it while doing the Telegraph crossword.
Quote from: Ferris on August 18, 2022, 11:05:57 PMYour wife leaves you for a cached 2003 copy of eBaum's World.
lovely stuff
Lifetime supply of egg mayonnaise.
Lifetime supply of adult nappies.
A Tim Westwood impersonator is jailed after going method.
Quote from: shoulders on August 20, 2022, 08:12:40 AMA Tim Westwood impersonator is jailed after going method.
But only because he's deemed "unconvincing" as the real one is still very much at large.
Quote from: shoulders on August 20, 2022, 08:12:40 AMA Tim Westwood impersonator is jailed after going method.
Jailed for terrible mixing
Quote from: shoulders on August 20, 2022, 08:12:40 AMA Tim Westwood impersonator is jailed after going method.
Method Man enters thread disapprovingly shaking his head.
Craig Fairbrass criticises the "poofy way you're holdin' y'pint" in a pub in Bridlington.
Getting excited about a business supplies shop in Maida Vale.
Quote from: Glebe on August 21, 2022, 03:30:52 AMGetting excited about a business supplies shop in Maida Vale.
Euphoria is that way mate
A Mark Curry completist loses an EBay bidding war for a Betamax video recorder. He later gets kicked off a cam girl channel for 'having zero chill'.
Your business selling supplements that cosmetically enhance your shite is subject to a hostile takeover by Big Beetroot.
Quote from: batwings on August 21, 2022, 09:20:42 AMA Mark Curry completist loses an EBay bidding war for a Betamax video recorder. He later gets kicked off a cam girl channel for 'having zero chill'.
He learns some new words though, later meets Peter Duncan at a convention and describes him as "pengin'".
Your two weeks in Marbella are cancelled in favour of a 1970's Open University algebra course.
You uncover a document written on vellum in a farmer's field quilled 'lol u cunt'
Swindon's worst butcher ejects offal all over your second-hand Volvo.
"Sorry you won't be getting paid because I accidentally ate all the money"
Coming 5th in the race to write the official biography of Tim Sherwood.
Blinded by a rogue coin of molten pepperoni falling through the eye hole of your 'authentic' Pizza The Hutt costume.
Quote from: shoulders on August 22, 2022, 09:02:07 PMComing 5th in the race to write the official biography of Tim Sherwood.
I was about to post this. Would love to know what the 5th place biographer would make of it.
Spoiler alert
50 Cent all the way.
Your funeral speech to dead Mummy uses the terms 'body-politic', 'ground game' and 'sub-optimal' several times.
You get your famous people mixed up and brag that you've got a suit by Danny Baker
Dappy from N-Dubz makes a comeback as an ambassador for Baxter's soup.
On balance how about .
Whatevs.
I've been watching Dune, the Lynch version.
.
There is a place, terrifying to us.
It's called Rhyll.
The ghost of Robin Day glares at with you from a passing Swansea night bus.
Your arsehole gets a 3 star review on Yelp.
Quote from: Ferris on August 25, 2022, 01:57:26 AMYour arsehole gets a 3 star review on Yelp.
It gets an 'outstanding' rating from Ofsted though.
Nonzero number of CaB 'users online' list is dead of heart disease/phimosis and slumped over open CaB TaB. Forever.
Earning a place at the stamgast table at the foulest possible pub. The owner fucks sheep and sells children for sex, the people around you are recidivist thugs and selfish braggarts, the pub stinks not only of piss but absolutely reeks of human shit from floor to ceiling, and the only tapped lager is Carling for £6.49 a pint.
Quote from: Dex Sawash on August 25, 2022, 11:34:11 AMNonzero number of CaB 'users online' list is dead of heart disease/phimosis and slumped over open CaB TaB. Forever.
Should've put something about a cat at the end there
Quote from: shoulders on August 25, 2022, 12:00:25 PMEarning a place at the stamgast table at the foulest possible pub. The owner fucks sheep and sells children for sex, the people around you are recidivist thugs and selfish braggarts, the pub stinks not only of piss but absolutely reeks of human shit from floor to ceiling, and the only tapped lager is Carling for £6.49 a pint.
You begin to wonder whether this gig in Bacup is going to be worth it.
Quote from: Vodkafone on August 25, 2022, 01:20:52 PMYou begin to wonder whether this gig in Bacup is going to be worth it.
Then you remember the sound of that crisp £5 note as the barman rustled it down the phone.
Quote from: Ferris on August 25, 2022, 02:40:22 PMThen you remember the sound of that crisp £5 note as the barman rustled it down the phone.
You concede that it
was a bit of a bad line when you agreed on the payment, and red faced, leave with five bags of crisps stuffed into your trouser pockets
It is what it is
Quote from: PlanktonSideburns on August 25, 2022, 02:45:57 PMYou concede that it was a bit of a bad line when you agreed on the payment, and red faced, leave with five bags of crisps stuffed into your trouser pockets
It is what it is
Then again - meals sorted for the week!
Quote from: batwings on August 24, 2022, 09:57:30 PMThe ghost of Robin Day glares at with you from a passing Swansea night bus.
Brian Walden's spirit-self can be seen at the back of a charabanc around 4AM, but he has the decency not to glower at you.
It strikes you as appropriate to black up some white dog shit
a NEET discovers the only thing he can taste is his toenails
A NEET sells his toenail flavour as an NFT
Keith of Holyhead derives pleasure from squashed fruit.
You have captured an aristocrat, but the only guillotine you can find online was made in the occupied West Bank
Quote from: Vodkafone on August 26, 2022, 10:41:56 AMYou have captured an aristocrat, but the only guillotine you can find online was made in the occupied West Bank
Very good.
Quote from: shoulders on August 25, 2022, 06:44:21 PMIt strikes you as appropriate to black up some white dog shit
☑️
Your wife leaves you due to your stubborn refusal to distinguish between Lenny Bruce and Lenny Bennet.
Cornered in a Cleethorpes dogging hotspot.
You receive a Royal pardon after murdering an immigrant for not liking Paddington.
An amputee stubs his phantom toe.
You are legally required to write a 10,000 word essay on the benefits of magnesium.
An upper middle class family from Kew buy a slave on the justification that it has been raised on an organic diet in a carbon neutral, FSC certified stockade.
Quote from: Glebe on August 26, 2022, 03:34:25 PMYou are legally required to write a 10,000 word essay on the benefits of magnesium.
Though considering what you did, you got off pretty lightly
Martin from Doncaster has a Cuprinol fetish.
Quote from: Glebe on August 26, 2022, 03:41:48 PMMartin from Doncaster has a Cuprinol fetish.
Or does he? He's on the fence about it.
Quote from: Glebe on August 26, 2022, 03:22:57 PMYou receive a Royal pardon after murdering an immigrant for not liking Paddington.
Paddington is arrested by immigration officers, held at Yarlswood detention centre and then deported to Rwanda for overstaying his visa.
Reassessing the wisdom of handing out your phone number after a prostate examination made you jizz like a volcano with stomach problems.
Quote from: Vodkafone on August 26, 2022, 03:56:39 PMOr does he? He's on the fence about it.
Fence spike sticking up his arse, extra deso.
Daniel Fucktwats of Stockport is Greggs Customer of the Year.
Shunned by your thalidomide support group for having 'rubbish, minor defects'.
You decide to stop regretting the past and treat every day fresh with the philosophy "Let's make new memories", so sit about drinking until your unborn child has foetal alcohol syndrome.
Richard Stilgoe considers starting work on his Brexit musical but instead spends the day watching a spider.
Within five minutes of debuting on Twitter, Richard Stilgoe gets called the ghost of Bo Burnham future by an account with an Enoch Powell avatar.
A dray horse kicks a numpty's head through a bristly hedge.
Quote from: batwings on August 27, 2022, 12:51:28 PMRichard Stilgoe
writes a twitter musical about a pro-Brexit Spider
Roy Hodgson slams a parakeet against the side of a Halifax in Basingstoke.
An 87 year old man shoots himself in the foot to avoid service.
Happy Hour at Bromley's worst drug den.
Losing your long term partner to - and I select these words carefully - a wren.
A tiger looks you up and down before declining to eat you.
"Not worth the risk" he later tells reporters.
Made to recite I'm A Little Teapot whilst being belted up the arse by your dominatrix.
Ryan giggs crafts a poem to British Gas exploring his love of their customer service.
He adds a stanza on boiler protection insurance before calling Paul Merson to help set it to music.
Darren Peacock turns up to the sessions with his guitar, unbidden, before being denied entry.
"He knows why."
Phil Babb successfully talks his way into a producer credit on the single version. B-Side is "[extended club mix]" by Tiesto and Eric Prydz.
It sells eight hundred million copies, and Giggsy uses the proceeds to open a lithium mine in the Congo.
Good series there Ferris.
Quote from: Vodkafone on August 29, 2022, 07:10:39 PMGood series there Ferris.
There's a open pit mine of deso in Giggsy's wordsmithing.
Malcolm has never seen Thurso but his dream comes true and he gets the coach back to Prestwick feeling rather deflated.
Chris Kiwomya binds a Ryan Giggs anthology in conflict leopardskin.
2033. Ryan Giggs wins the Nobel Prize for Literature.
Ballad Of A Thin Man by Kula Shaker
Creche teacher tells you she was "vaguely unimpressed" by your slow child's crayon scrawl.
Hideously screeching PENIS!!!!!1!!! at a photo of Alpha Centauri
(https://i.imgur.com/nYQ6Bvg.jpg)
And that's how you lost your job at the offical Doctor Who Magazine
Quote from: jenna appleseed on August 30, 2022, 05:44:20 PM(https://i.imgur.com/nYQ6Bvg.jpg)
"Er, sorry, I had an appointment with the penis doctor?"
"I
AM THE PENIS DOCTOR."
Quote from: Glebe on August 30, 2022, 05:50:56 PM"I AM THE PENIS DOCTOR."
Pertwee considers a rewrite (https://youtu.be/HD_aLhoxc64).
"It's just you against the world, kid", mutters a convicted dog fucker to himself
A coked-up channel five exec demands "a Jeremy Kyle reboot! But louder!"
The ghost of Roald Dahl hangs around Spurs' stadium making antisemitic comments.
That smell when your clothes haven't quite dried quickly enough: Eau de Parfum by Dior.
Seated next to Van Morrison on a coach trip to Wuhan.
Face down in a butcher's dustbin after a night doing Jägerbombs in Coventry.
Her nextdoor has ditched her fella and is single again.
You're straight round there serenading her with a ukulele rendition of Einstürzende Neubauten's greatest hits.
Not a dickie bird. Got no soul that one mate.
You are required to write a 50,000 word dissertation on the complete works of Shakespeare as community service for ricocheting a squirrel off a mouldy dumpster.
Dismissed as a 'whinging elite' by your five year old after you find NO MORE DINGEY'S daubed in medically questionable excrement on the bathroom floor.
Quote from: buttgammon on August 30, 2022, 09:57:19 AM2033. Ryan Giggs wins the Nobel Prize for Literature.
2023. JK Rowling wins the Nobel Prize for Literature.
The year is 2012, and 'Gangnam Style' is pouding through your skull as you wandering around a Tesco in Inverness looking for Panadol.
Bummed "with great gusto" by Captain Haddock during a hate tour of Andorra la Vella's dung beetle district.
Fray Bentos for the wedding reception meal.
Quote from: Glebe on September 02, 2022, 02:55:38 PMFray Bentos for the wedding reception meal.
At the bride's request.
Quote from: Ferris on September 02, 2022, 03:03:14 PMAt the bride's request.
"Just be careful not to spill any on y'bin liner dress, love!"
People doing the Hokey Cokey in Pickering at their annual Wartime Weekend
(https://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/e/e8/Pickering_War_Weekend_%2810254453475%29.jpg)
Filming fanfic Torchwood in a Happy Eater with your camera which is a bin, your crew which is the same bin and your expensive motion picture grade film which is also a bin.
An Anne of Cleves look-a-like contest ends in a violent catfight in Rochester's toughest pub.
Quote from: Midas on September 02, 2022, 06:44:10 PMPeople doing the Hokey Cokey in Pickering at their annual Wartime Weekend
(https://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/e/e8/Pickering_War_Weekend_%2810254453475%29.jpg)
Mrs. Quality Street there looks like she's just realised she's hokey cokied some dogshit all over her expensive shoes.
A Grimsby man passing through airport security is correctly identified as a pile of shit brown acorns and refused passage to Faliraki.
A small child begins a vigorous Cockney knees up during some non-consensual Holby City.
After an hour of straining, the bank of your arse pays out a meagre dividend of shitty coins, minted in a brown vault to pay the terrible toll of a week of "bastard boiled" eggy pegs.
You'll are forced to watch AvP: Requiem more than once.
You and your family win a weekend getaway break in Wandsworth Prison. Your wife decides to stay permanently, the kids are boiled and mashed and stuck in a stew and worst of all you're bummed in the showers by a man who looks and sounds a bit like Gerald Butler.
A man named Leopold upstages you as you attempt to woo a beautiful women, absconding with the potential love of your life and leaving you moping over your Irn-Bru.
Walked in on dad wanking over scotch egg mukbangs again
An insomniac downs a pot of coffee and stays up all night watching old recordings of Wacaday.
Turns out inserting an entire teapot up your anal cavity is the only skill you possess. Not even transferable.
A Noel Edmonds tribute act trips in a Debenhams and gets their beard caught in an escalator.
Quote from: Glebe on September 04, 2022, 04:18:04 PMAn insomniac downs a pot of coffee and stays up all night watching old recordings of Wacaday.
Hosted by himself.
Footage of you capturing and eating a seagull out of starved desperation goes viral on post-colonial Booktok.
Quote from: Sex Wax on September 04, 2022, 06:49:32 PMFootage of you capturing and eating a seagull out of starved desperation goes viral on post-colonial Booktok.
(https://i.imgur.com/CFR0rgi.png)
"Happy to help! Tuck in! CAW! CAW!"
Stenhousemuir is the location for some manky sausage tasting. That's not a sexual euphemism yet oddly enough they most certainly taste like cock!
A hopeless man tries to boil eggs in a cafetière
Quote from: Glebe on September 04, 2022, 06:54:49 PM(https://i.imgur.com/CFR0rgi.png)
"Happy to help! Tuck in! CAW! CAW!"
Footage of a seagull capturing and eating Glebe gets 17 views and a copyright strike.
A fart-ridden fuckwit walks into traffic
Quote from: Sex Wax on September 05, 2022, 01:57:19 AMFootage of a seagull capturing and eating Glebe gets 17 views and a copyright strike.
Talk about biting the hand that feeds!
Quote from: batwings on September 04, 2022, 05:37:42 PMA Noel Edmonds tribute act trips in a Debenhams and gets their beard caught in an escalator.
Got me good
Crewe is all aflutter as an extra-hot batch of vindaloo coincides with a loo roll shortage.
You tell the owner of the arse you are about to eat that you love how their ring smells mainly of petrichor.
You're in Pendleton examining a lump of shale for two hours as part of your research for a long and extremely boring book about shale.
Your dad was a cunt so you oven a dog
Richard Dawkins opens Britain's first euthanasia clinic next to The Happy Toddler creche.
Your Macho Man Randy Savage fails to impress at a Wigan talent night.
Harold of Weymouth masticates an unopened packet of Hobnobs in deference to the goddess Tiamat.
The right honourable Liz Truss, MP takes the reins of an actual democracy.
Your teratoma of a daughter pushes a Wales-damaged Hobnob up her clitty arse pit.
Your make your own Jenga set out of the bones found in your exploded pigeon coop.
To alleviate boredom during a staycation, you fill your arse with mousetraps.
ETA this was not inspired by the previous post. But to alleviate boredom on a rainy caravan holiday, you did fill your arse with Jenga and Moustrap.
"Come on... just one peck!" you plead to a blackbird close to your birdseed-covered penis.
True life deso on the M5 today, heading Southbound J20 to J21.
Bloke in his convertable drop top rollerskate with presumably his Mrs in the passenger seat. Roof was down and it then absolutely pissed it down with rain. Their unimpressed windswept and rain soaked faces gave that look of "Oh, no!"
If it rained any harder, I think his bald spot would have started bleeding.
You accidentally spill milk on Richard Dawkins in a coffee shop!
"You blithering idiot!"
"Sorry mate. I'm late for church."
"I suppose you're going to pray for forgiveness now you deluded fool?"
You do indeed pray for forgiveness for spilling milk on. Dawkins and for his apostate soul for using bad words at you.
The Dumfries Dumplings - a group of tubby Scots - do the 'Tub a-Dub Dance' through the streets of Galloway.
Your family's annual Anal Cavity of the Year competition is coming up, and you're fucked if you're giving up your three year winning streak without a fight.
Gaslit by the binbag you use for rape play
Accepting a meagre stipend in return for 'fucking right off'.
Nando's-set video nasty.
Video-set Nando's nasty.
Disappointing Queenageddon
Setting up your new florist business for free with all those still in their plastic bouquets handily left for you outside the palace. (euphoria)
King Sausage McSausagefingers on all the stamps now.
Nihilist convention held in Europe's most depressing business park.
Quote from: Glebe on September 10, 2022, 05:57:29 AMNihilist convention held in Europe's most depressing business park.
No one can be arsed to turn up.
Vicar recalls how you 'touched everyone you met'.
Rumour has it in Gravesend and Northfleet that you are a diseased bespectrumed fuck.
You are the belle of the ball at the Widnes anal prolapse support group, you tell yourself.
A Bournemouth sex offender wins a shit fruitcake from a Marie Curie tombola.
A man cleans his one condom in the microwave
Brothers Algernon, Alan and Alfred Quaida fail to nail down intellectual property rights for the famed worldwide terrorist organisation.
Your 4 year stint as a beast of burden ends with being shotgunned to a heap round some outbuildings.
You find your old, spunked-on poster of Lucy Pinder and stick it up on the kitchen wall, much to the disgust of your wife and four children.
Your ethical pimping startup hits a snag when you are told the dot cum domain is unavailable.
What initially appears to be a cum stain turns out, in fact, to be a cum stain.
a beloved childhood character slowly loads a revolver
Your favourite Pokémon is Molesty.
Quote from: madhair60 on September 10, 2022, 08:28:41 PMYour favourite Pokémon is Molesty.
8 more levels of grinding and it'll evolve into Molestor and no one will be any the wiser.
Quote from: Pink Gregory on September 10, 2022, 08:15:48 PMa beloved childhood character slowly loads a revolver
(https://pbs.twimg.com/media/Bs0699oIQAAvzG2?format=jpg&name=small)
Your infant daughter, apple of your eye, is asking the mums at the school gates for beak and pills.
she gets them all, too, the little rascal.
Drastic measures are required when Aubrey of Staffordshire loses his 'ball pegs'.
I love you
You love me
No jury would indict me
you go to the amusement arcade and lose £20 on the change machine
An earworm of The Bear Necessities, except it's Claire's Accessories
Addicted to slug gut porn.
Quote from: Vodkafone on September 11, 2022, 09:11:33 AMAn earworm of The Bear Necessities, except it's Claire Balding's Accessories
The woke mob at GoFundMe ruin the finances for your "ethical car-bombing" campaign.
Morrissey finally gets what he wants and nobody cares.
A Graeme Souness lookalike farts in your face in a Nando's in Kilmarnock.
Nicky Wire releases a concept album about his favourite household appliances.
Quote from: Kankurette on September 12, 2022, 01:39:25 AMNicky Wire releases a concept album about his favourite household appliances.
(https://images2.drct2u.com/pdp_main_tablet_x2/products/ex/ex170/r01un450500c.jpg)
Your favourite album is the OST from Loose Change.
The Woody Harrelson section of your Money Train back tattoo goes irreversibly septic.
You lay off your pet toad for 'emotional unavailability' after it fails to show sufficient improvements following 3 lengthy disciplinary meetings.
Vernon Kay lookalike competition, Edgbaston.
Your Pontins chalet in Southport has stained bedsheets that smell faintly of drains and rotten meat, and there's some mysterious black grime on the kitchen worktops.
Nicky arrives for her first day as a cleaner for the ExCel convention centre and is asked to deal with the aftermath of the Met Police's misidentification of a furry convention with an Extinction Rebellion meeting, after which encounter the force apologised for their 'robust approach'. She is refused overtime.
Pandemonium ensues when BBC correspondent Orla Guerin turns up at Roger De Courcey's flat accusing Nookie Bear of being a Russian sleeper agent.
Quote from: pancreas on September 12, 2022, 11:35:21 AMNicky arrives for her first day as a cleaner for the ExCel convention centre and is asked to deal with the aftermath of the Met Police's misidentification of a furry convention with an Extinction Rebellion meeting, after which encounter the force apologised for their 'robust approach'. She is refused overtime.
the convention continues and over the length of the shift she acquires bright blue ears and a tail
vicar shouts "Parklife!" at the end of each paragraph during your dad's eulogy
Momentarily distracted by the thwack of dead neighbour on bannister as you put the finishing touches to your dried snot apple.
Quote from: Chicory on September 12, 2022, 06:14:05 PMMomentarily distracted by the thwack of dead neighbour on bannister as you put the finishing touches to your dried snot apple.
This is good
A mouse dies in a hoarder's pocket.
An irate langoustine pulls both your eyeballs out and fucks them across the kitchen.
Omid Djalili asks you if you've ever wiped your arse on some toast
A fairly decent-seeming chap clocks your accent and attempts to bond with you by explaining that after his second masters degree his career stalled and he spent 6 years working in Games Workshop in York.
(This actually happened)
A member of the bar staff comes over to your table and cheerfully suggests you all eat something, or not, hey it's just her advice! Maybe just think about it! Just her opinion, you can do what you like!
You have each had two 330ml tins of a subpar IPA.
(This also happened. Honestly)
A cotton-shortage hobbles your plans for a JNCO Jeans detective agency.
Quote from: Ferris on September 13, 2022, 01:15:22 AMA fairly decent-seeming chap clocks your accent and attempts to bond with you by explaining that after his second masters degree his career stalled and he spent 6 years working in Games Workshop in York.
(This actually happened)
You laughed at this and Mrs. Ferris had to apologise on your behalf.
(https://y.yarn.co/28550e5e-23ce-4a9b-a299-58fade41822d_text.gif)
The reality is more depressing - I just said "oh, ok... cool!" and left it there.
Quote from: Ferris on September 13, 2022, 03:06:11 AMThe reality is more depressing - I just said "oh, ok... cool!" and left it there.
(https://c.tenor.com/LZhMcuxQiaUAAAAC/obama-fair-enough.gif)
2022 has been a tough year. As were 2021 and 2020, come to think of it. 2019 not too good either. But it's important to look forwards, not backwards, perhaps 2023 will be better. Hmm, you note that next year will be the Chinese year of the racist.
Quote from: Vodkafone on September 13, 2022, 03:21:08 PM2022 has been a tough year. As were 2021 and 2020, come to think of it. 2019 not too good either. But it's important to look forwards, not backwards, perhaps 2023 will be better. Hmm, you note that next year will be the Chinese year of the racist.
2024 - THE YEAR OF THE SEXIST
2025 - THE YEAR OF THE HOMOPHOBE
2026 - THE YEAR OF THE LINEHAN
A long lost relative gets in touch and says they can't wait to harm you.
A parsnip fanatic goes all-in on an erotic self-debasement in Molesworth.
Rhyl's least eligible bachelor disgraces itself in an act that can only be described as 'fruit in wrong hole'.
joke about eating the Queen, end up hunched over the bog retching your guts up
real life desolation
now sipping water with a plastic bin bucket close at hand feeling shivery and blah
ow my stomach hurts
Aw no get well soon Jenna.
Quote from: jenna appleseed on September 15, 2022, 12:49:02 AMjoke about eating the Queen, end up hunched over the bog retching your guts up
real life desolation
now sipping water with a plastic bin bucket close at hand feeling shivery and blah
ow my stomach hurts
Chat shit get banged
Whispers a middleton to herself from a hiding place under your bathroom sink
Mick Hucknall offers you a lift from Peterborough to Clackton but ends up driving to Swansea. He's tripping off his face and talking about death. The door won't open. There is no escape.
There is no escape.
You are excited to go to the new proper French boulangerie that recently opened in town, then realise it doesn't exist and you must have dreamed it (real life deso)
You queue for 8 hours then lose your erection.
Your doctor recommends you get a pedometer for tracking purposes.
"Oh to count my steps?"
"No, a pedometer because I have my suspicions"
After queuing for 117 hours to see the Queen's coffin, social influencer Jed Some-Everyone realises he's forgotten his selfie stick.
Alan Pardew is following you around Asda. He looks angry.
You've saved up the £21.50 it will cost to sue Apple for securities fraud.
Being the guy who has to jetwash the wetroom after the bukkake party
Your postman performs an elegant pirouette up the garden path as he delivers your court summons.
Quote from: Glebe on September 15, 2022, 10:55:46 PMYour postman performs an elegant pirouette up the garden path as he delivers your court summons.
EUPHORIA
Quote from: Glebe on September 15, 2022, 05:40:21 AMMick Hucknall offers you a lift from Peterborough to Clackton but ends up driving to Swansea. He's tripping off his face and talking about death. The door won't open. There is no escape.
There is no escape.
throwing yourself out the window like you're a Dukes Of Hazzard.
Plugging your favourite urinal with Juicy Fruit so you can check how much your piss stinks.
Your only work-appropriate clothes are the ones that 'redefine Stank'.
Quote from: Twit 2 on September 16, 2022, 01:17:15 PMPlugging your favourite urinal with Juicy Fruit so you can check how much your piss stinks.
Hello, yes?
Quote from: Glebe on September 15, 2022, 05:40:21 AMMick Hucknall offers you a lift from Peterborough to Clackton but ends up driving to Swansea. He's tripping off his face and talking about death. The door won't open. There is no escape.
There is no escape.
The conflagration of screaming ginger-headed madman and Renault Clio careens over the edge of Cheddar Gorge.
You rag your arse so hard that your appendix bangs on your colon for the noise to be kept down.
Quote from: Ferris on September 16, 2022, 02:10:04 PMThe conflagration of screaming ginger-headed madman and Renault Clio careens over the edge of Cheddar Gorge.
"...I've wasted all those years..."
Johnny Borrell orders jollof rice in a hilarious Creole patois.
A Jim Davidson fan has the kitchen of his Marbella villa refitted.
Washing your nob with hand sanitizer before you leave the house cos you reckon you might meet someone in 'Delight Cafe'
Insisting with much frothing that your Drummer Lee Rigby themed birthday cake be cut AT THE NECK
Quote from: petril on September 13, 2022, 12:03:06 AMOmid Djalili asks you if you've ever wiped your arse on some toast
Laughed
So priapically illiterate you believe a sign outlining car park charges is a beef sandwich.
In the hobbies section of your CV you've just put "radiology ward ghoul" followed by a smiley face emoji.
You have a long standing vendetta against a school dinner lady who looks like Ron Perlman.
Quote from: batwings on September 18, 2022, 06:41:18 PMIn the hobbies section of your CV you've just put "radiology ward ghoul" followed by a smiley face emoji.
You have a long standing vendetta against a school dinner lady who looks like Ron Perlman.
To the extent that it has ruined predator 2 for you
What's for tea tonight
Dads nicked a load of colostrum from work again
Phyllis cunted skyward in blast, people eating Toffos and looking away attending to other things within 20 seconds.
Seranading your betrothed outside the infirmary wearing nothing but a chapman stick
Your paper mache wife is giving you the silent treatment.
Quote from: PlanktonSideburns on September 19, 2022, 05:31:29 AMWhat's for tea tonight
Dads nicked a load of colostrum from work again
Sorry i misheard him, it's meconium, not colostrum
Quote from: PlanktonSideburns on September 20, 2022, 10:22:39 AMSorry i misheard him, it's meconium, not colostrum
I think you need to have had a sprog to get the horror of meconium
Dunno, I thought it was pretty tasty
Left wing politics finally becomes mainstream in the UK, but only after Novara Media launches a 24 hour anal sex porn sub-channel.
Your Chrysler building of rectal thermometers is impounded by the cruise ship physician who adds 'these are for rectums, not your silly games.'
Accidentally castrating your son due to an email blunder.
You are referred to a special doctor for your 'wandering kidneys'
Quote from: Pink Gregory on September 22, 2022, 08:21:08 PMYou are referred to a special doctor for your 'wandering kidneys'
Turns out they're not a specialist but a nephrology fetishist. Lures your kidneys out of you and makes off with them.
Cummed insensible in a goddamn pit in Argyll
Turned down for a mortgage for being 'much too bollock-arsed'
Pronging a pupae you intend to rear into the next Welsh Secretary.
A horse-funeral descends into a fistfight.
VIP tickets to the Mick Philpott BODYING Lounge
Big man from next door knocks on your door and stands there eating your dog in front of your own eyes
Quote from: Ferris on September 23, 2022, 01:43:45 PMA horse-funeral descends into a fistfight.
This one is real, by the way. Somebody's house got burned down in a revenge-arson. The horse did three tours of Afghanistan.
a man shouts at cars in desperation. there is no music, just the ambient sound of traffic ignoring him as the end credits roll up the screen. the camera casually walks off, looking back at him as he disappears into the distance.
Called a 'left handed Hitler' in a letter signed by 188 of the world's foremost surgeons.
A chant begins outside your home
Gas the cunt
Gas the cunt
Gas the cunt
An irony hating anti-Semite's suicide bid fails when his gas is cut off by a Mr Saul Goldenfrack from Golders Green, NW11.
Moved off solitary in nonce wing because the prison guards find that you have a delightfully jaunty tremelo to your singing voice.
An Abu Hamza gift mug, pork scratchings and a megaphone: all you need to perform The Vagina Monologues in the toilets of Bodmin McDonald's.
An overheard guitar provides inspiration and fresh new ideas until you realize it's the teenager over the road doing bad Pink Floyd covers. Again.
Houseguests leave after the starter "that's quite enough of that".
Someone marches into a knocking shop and orders "the house minge"
A beer review finishes with the phrase "everything you look for in a breakfast lager".
Quote from: Ferris on September 26, 2022, 12:08:44 PMA beer review finishes with the phrase "everything you look for in a breakfast lager".
6.7% with maple syrup undertones?
GP invites colleague in to laugh at it
The doctor proffering the second opinion you demanded finishes his final sentence with "...and you've got cancer."
Ghosted by a dog and a mother fucking pig
Your birth certificate has you down as "sub-optimal clungebuster"
She takes the Pot Noodles in the divorce.
Real life one: was told of a man who has an entire caravan full to the roof with emptied fray bentos tins
You build a memorial in your front garden to your mother's lost battle against Stoneman Syndrome. Made from a pile of Blue Circle cement bags, a set of rusty step ladders, and a tractor tire inner tube, it looks like complete shit and everyone laughs at you.
Ankle-deep in diarrhea in a pub toilet in Taplow.
Your WimbleWrong kanban board.
A boat carrying a load of excited ravers is accidentally diverted from Ibiza to Wicklow.
Your civil servant style umbrella is insufficient to reduce the impact of a careering lorry full of bric-a-brac
Your GP has moved his surgery to Britain's most depressing Victorian-style business park/industrial estate. It smells of weird medicines and old bad feelings come up, so clinical and cold.
Dawdling around outside Swansea Leisure Centre, feeling glum and unappreciated.
An out of date Cadburys Cream Egg in a slightly discoloured egg cup. Happy 50th birthday to you!
Craig David novelty mask, Poundstretcher, 2006.
Someone comes good on their threat to rip you a new arsehole.
The Coroner's verdict suggests, very strongly, that your mother drowned willingly in 128 different strains of spermatozoa, including sperm from 28 known species. He concludes with the words "filthy cunt".
You edit out your Desolation because you realise it is a rip-off off one in the same thread.
Your pet candiru dies just one day before it was due to retire inside your urethra.
After gaining sentience and seeing you approach, your tamagotchi attempts to eject its own battery.
the toilet smells like Scampi fries crisps
You are stewing in someone else's juices.
You are asleep and while dreaming are barracked by a 100 foot tall supranational anus dominator called Kevin, you then wake to find the same thing happening to you in real life down to the very exquisite details, except the dominator is called Jeff.
A thorough googling reveals you as the only Adult Baby Cot Death Fetishist on the Internet
Hand-jobbed to oblivion by a Henry the Eighth impersonator.
Your father, a cinephile, gets you a dog's anus fleshlight for Christmas and your sister a finger trap while you, a sinophile get your sister The Rough Guide to Film and your dad a wrist based injury. In turn your sister, a cynophile, gets your father a bumper wall chart of Chinese topography and you a book about Pearl and Dean.
Your corpse is so sodden with piss you don't burn properly at your cremation.
Belted up the arse and left in a skip of rejected moss by the lesser Pickard brother.
your Dad sends a correction via SMS:
Quotepies, not piss. it's covered in pies
Colchester Testicular Wart Wednesday.
A distraught Dragons' Den producer demands you stop badgering them about your range of Bernard Bresslaw themed hernia trusses.
"THE ANSWER IS NO! NO-ONE'S GOING TO BUY THEM!"
You resolve to keep trying. For Bernard.
A Cocker Spaniel throws shade at your choice of panty liner during Bromley's worst sleet storm in a century.
A pyramid of RAF motorcyclists in a grainy clip from Nationwide. All dead now.
You spend two days refreshing Internet Explorer to see if anyone responds to your comments about naval fungus on a Mike Read message board.
Roy Keane arrives to tell your wife 'she's won nothing yet'.
Your bus driver today is on Qaauludes. "Next stop, Havering!"
"Ooh dear. I'm afraid it's off to the nuthouse for you, my lad!" smirks your psychiatrist.
You're pretty sure that during his cooking segment on This Morning, Phil Vickery is sending you secret messages to elope with your neighbour's dog
Droitwich's least-successful pervert enjoys sketching dogs in the park.
Quote from: batwings on October 03, 2022, 09:39:48 AMYou're pretty sure that during his cooking segment on This Morning, Phil Vickery is sending you secret messages to elope with your neighbour's dog
And yet
you're the one who gets a court order, while Vickery gets off scot free! You write to all the papers to complain that this is far more unjust than Philip Schofield and Holly Willoughby queue-jumping but none of them will publish your letters.
On to Nantwich now, where Percy Fuckknobs has a sexual fetish involving peeling carrots into a bucket!
Spilling Glebe beer all over your new phone. You just know once it sinks into the first layer of potato, its ruined.
Quote from: shoulders on October 03, 2022, 11:36:18 AMSpilling Glebe beer all over your new phone. You just know once it sinks into the first layer of potato, its ruined.
(https://metro.co.uk/wp-content/uploads/2021/06/SEI_81175739.jpg)
you drive off in the wrong car and nobody corrects you
You are known throughout County Antrim for your abiding love of out-of-date marmalade.
Your new pickle stall in Dalston is a complete failure but then the pickles were often badly stored resulting in vomiting customers and a vague rotten stink about the market.
Quote from: Glebe on October 01, 2022, 02:44:21 PMYou spend two days refreshing Internet Explorer to see if anyone responds to your comments about naval fungus on a Mike Read message board.
Mike Read blown to smithereens as his home studio is bombarded with spore-shells by the HMS
Ascomycetes
You are fourth-choice goalkeeper.
Quote from: Vodkafone on September 26, 2022, 09:50:30 AMSomeone marches into a knocking shop and orders "the house minge"
Super
Building a replica of the Newsround set in your shed then forcing John Craven, at gunpoint, to announce the resurrection of your mother.
"I'm gagging for a poo"
Trapped in a world of Right Said Fred's creation.
You overhear a fellow diner refer to sweet potatoes as "woke potatoes".
Then, as though hearing an echo in a seashell, you realise that fellow diner was none other than you, stood in ASDA with no pants on.
Quote from: shoulders on October 05, 2022, 02:01:26 PMThen, as though hearing an echo in a seashell, you realise that fellow diner was none other than you, stood in ASDA with no pants on.
Heh
Your insignificance is so profound, no automatic door has ever opened for you.
You are unable to get out of bed due to the sheer weight of the unpaid bills piled upon it. It takes a full day of concerted effort, but you are eventually able to piss the bed to an extent that the moisture slightly degrades the envelopes, at which point you slide free onto your carpet of county court judgments and summons
Your obsession with ash dieback escalates into a 17-day pitch battle with DEFRA in a retail park.
Somehow, against all science, you manage to rape yourself.
Tinky Winky
Dipsy
La La
Tubgirl
Quote from: PlanktonSideburns on September 30, 2022, 10:05:13 PMA thorough googling reveals you as the only Adult Baby Cot Death Fetishist on the Internet
Fucking funny as fuck
Felt fucking horrible after posting that, went back to delete but was too late, glad someone else is as awful as me
The fact its Adult Baby makes it totally fine
Phew!
Adult Baby Madeleine McCann Murder Re-enactment Society
Adult Baby P
Failed curtain-rod insertion attempt goes viral.
Branded "the hamburger nonce" on WeChat.
Your dream is to work on a silage farm.
True life deso today. Went to the local Co-Op and the shittiest instant coffee they had was in those security boxes with jacked up prices on them. What a time to be alive!
Hammered at Cluedo by a zygote that makes you look a right fucking prick
You throw a rent party but the only ones who show up are the bailiffs.
Still, it was nice that they did the macarena as they turfed your belongings out into the street.
You devote the final years of your life to constantly recreating your "Items with a Wikipedia page" Wikipedia page each time moderators delete it citing the WP:NOTEVERYTHING guideline. "But people need a single page to see links to articles about fuel injectors, Beck, and the Orange Dolphin tariff!" you insist.
Your actual death comes during your performance art piece "vomiting into the gaping anus of Christ", which sees you spewing emesis into a specially-commissioned Christ gape sculpture for upwards of 48 hours.
WIFES HUGE MILK BAGS SWINGING SLOW MOTION #1
https://www.pornhub.com › view_video
7 Dec 2018 — Fuckkk shes right next to me and I'm still watching her tits on pornhub
Gary describes his new column in the local newsletter as "Not fit for snowflakes! If easily triggered, check out a wimpier community news sheet!"
you spend the last of your life savings on the scratchcards, this and then oblivion. goodbye world. Forty grand up by teatime.
Quote from: Glebe on October 09, 2022, 04:11:11 PMGary describes his new column in the local newsletter as "Not fit for snowflakes! If easily triggered, check out a wimpier community news sheet!"
Garry is outraged after Stewart Lee sticks him in plagiarists corner
Whoops! Wrong thread DESO!
Accidently shagged by a courgette vending machine in Hale
Ooh irl Hale deso: got called a fucking cunt by a man in a matt grey AUDITT for not crossing the road fast enough, after a funeral
Pre drinking a litre of gaviscon before a night out, putting a couple of shots of vodka into it and shaking it to get the dregs out
"YOUR WIFE IS AN ANUS!" screams the deacon in the presence of your entire wedding list.
Beaten in the final round of the Perrier Best Newcomer Award by a bloke who does a "Sainsburys Bag For Life" routine.
("Because that's how long they stay in the boot of the car for!!")
You talk your partner into some Thomas Malthus roleplay even though she's a massive Whitely Stokes fan.
An EDL supporter wanks into a poppy collection bucket after passing a buff, full-camo cadet in the street.
You walk 20 miles across Yorkshire to buy a cheese grater.
Quote from: Glebe on October 12, 2022, 01:04:17 PMYou walk 20 miles across Yorkshire to buy a cheese grater.
Not only that, it's
East Yorkshire
Quote from: Vodkafone on October 12, 2022, 01:06:59 PMNot only that, it's East Yorkshire
And the shop is closed. "Okay
West Yorkshire then. Off I go."
Quote from: Glebe on October 12, 2022, 01:08:56 PMAnd the shop is closed. "Okay West Yorkshire then. Off I go."
And you want the grater for your Wensleydale which falls apart at the slightest touch anyway.
A prison-yard chivving over half a bottle of Night Nurse.
Playing headers and volleys with some viscera so you can rocket-boost your ebola prognosis.
casual Friday can only mean plain white shirt over a plain black t-shirt. yas
Described as a lurid ponce by a a back door dentist
Sneaking off to a knocking shop only to realise the hooker is your Mrs.
Quote from: dex on October 13, 2022, 09:29:05 PMSneaking off to a knocking shop only to realise the hooker is your Mrs.
She charges you the full amount +£20 "for damages"
In a fugue state, in the crowd at The Antiques Roadshow, in just your mother's knickers.
You are deemed not good value for the taxpayer.
You Google Bing.
Sitting on a train wondering what TameBridge Parkway is like.
Caravan pileup in Worksop. Eleven sheep dead.
You keep winning Employee of The Month award at Belsen.
Nigel Farage reviews his bank statement over a glass of champagne and laughs and laughs and laughs.
Hi, I'm Gerry!
What like Gerard?
No, Gerontophile.
...
Cheers.
£789 spent on red corduroys and the Minehead Conservative Club still won't let you past the door. They know your type.
Anne Robinson inhales the contents of a malguided spittoon. The Conservatives eagerly call.
Tweeting at Trevor McDonald for validation that never comes.
Getting in to late night TV roulette end us end us now
Kicked out of Grandpa's hospice room for being too off putting.
"You shouldn't be the last thing he sees." explains Grandma.
Richard Hammond's hairline.
(https://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/thumb/b/b6/Richard_Hammond_at_Bonhams_Charity_Auction_in_2013_%28cropped%29.jpg/678px-Richard_Hammond_at_Bonhams_Charity_Auction_in_2013_%28cropped%29.jpg)
Writing a new letter to Clinton's Cards every single day for the last nine years asking why they don't do a 'Sorry your transit van failed it's MOT' sympathy card
At last the mystery is revealed: at death you persist as the faintest of mists, bound to the world, memories ebbing like the sand against tides. The wind sighs, the mountains loom. Under the sun, what lives repels you. Go to the sea. The deeps care not. From the black hole came all, and once more your day will come, matter spewed in random blast, and you'll still be a total fucking cunt.
Caught buying Quavers again.
.
Paedomorphed in the traumazone by a conflagration of fag ash impersonating Scyld Berry.
Defenestrated from one foot above the ground by a cumless Buster Gonad who has fisted your wendy house.
The sex doll you made entirely of raw brisket only provides two more infections than anticipated.
Catfished by a Lee Hurst impersonator.
Your new sex doll gives you crabs
Reincarnated as James Corden's sex doll.
Reincarnated as James Corden's crabs.
Reincarnated as James Corden's sense of shame.
Unexpected cancer diagnosis at father's funeral
Your cat sniffs your fart and gets an erection.
You declare the bump-mapping on your niece is 'last gen'.
Unexpected Corden diagnosis at father's funeral
Fully expected raw brisket shame at James Corden's funeral.
Harry Potter coin collection of British currency
Stationary shop in a depressing Victorian train station, 1976. It's like Porridge without the laughs. Plus bland stationery.
You're bested in battle rap by the parish priest who then sends a requiem mass card for your flow to everybody in the congregation.
whenever you go to Wilkos, they've moved the stationery aisle again
Quote from: petril on October 20, 2022, 07:44:43 PMwhenever you go to Wilkos, they've moved the stationery aisle again
It just never stays still!
You're known locally as "The Cavity Search King"
You become known around Devonshire as The Rubberbum Man.
^ Kate Bush rerecords that song in tribute
Your space capsule Cretin 8 sheds its landing equipment over the breakfast table.
new line of Bad Dragon vapes
You became a Customs Cavity Exploration Officer because you could no longer ethically justify being a bailiff
You discover the horrifying truth: water was invented in the '90s by a marketing executive. "It looks and tastes so shit that everyone wants to buy Lilt. Then you've got them".
edit: nah, shite
You had never previously thought of going into the human cavity game, you just sort of... fell into it
Going back to Cash Converters to repurchase your prized white dog turd with a payday loan:
'Sorry mate, it's gone.'
Quote from: pancreas on October 21, 2022, 04:14:14 PMGoing back to Cash Converters to repurchase your prized white dog turd with a payday loan:
'Sorry mate, it's gone.'
I laughed.
Your obsession with kale reaches it's nadir when you are caught licking a batch growing in a pissy alleyway near Hove.
Your one-item bucket list is to obtain a list of buckets.
Finding out your real father is the "This is popular" London tube racist.
Martin of Suffolk, barcode collector.
Quote from: Chicory on October 22, 2022, 07:52:38 PMFinding out your real father is the "This is popular" London tube racist.
Pausing
Lift Your Skinny Fists Like Antennae to Heaven during the 25 minutes a day you get to yourself to look up whatever the fuck this is and coming away none the wiser.
Your police sketch very vaguely resembles Piers Morgan.
you crack a joke about things being so nailed on and certain you could start a new religion. the priest awkwardly looks at the floor
You decide to sport a new look but it backfires terribly due to your resemblence to "Trenchcoat Brian" on the barred list of your local.
Your brand new loafers are ruined during an altercation with Ronnie Pickering in Tenby.
So entranced are you by a Staffordshire pub fruity that you fail to notice the local madman has done all diarheea down the leg of your new chinos.
Phillip Schofield barges you out of the way with surprising ease and gets served the last steak slice at Grantham's Greggs.
Your Spliffy bomber jacket is in the chazza shop window display.
Your Genston-ordinated piss boots give out catastrophically on a Doncaster based ice shelf.
Quote from: dex on October 24, 2022, 06:56:40 PMPhillip Schofield barges you out of the way with surprising ease and gets served the last steak slice at Grantham's Greggs.
Holly's right behind him, snatches the last pastie from right under your nose.
"Er, there's a queue here lads!"
"Fuck off cost of living plebs!"
Alan Bennett belittles your character on Radio 4.
(quite inessential...)
Quote from: Vodkafone on October 20, 2022, 12:16:17 AMYour cat sniffs your fart and gets an erection.
Truly grim as fuck
Glasgow's least-popular paedo is given the freedom of the city.
Quote from: Glebe on October 24, 2022, 11:08:45 PMGlasgow's least-popular paedo is given the freedom of the city.
"Locking up your daughters is futile! Mwa hahaha!"
(https://i.ibb.co/WW3tjcQ/60389-C12-A767-4-ADA-BAF1-6-EB777-AB1-C6-C.jpg)
Shouting blue murder at some bay leaves for getting in the way.
Quote from: buttgammon on October 25, 2022, 11:54:28 AM(https://i.ibb.co/WW3tjcQ/60389-C12-A767-4-ADA-BAF1-6-EB777-AB1-C6-C.jpg)
Michel, you can just call them nightmares
"no, I dreamt I was on a gameshow and then a really shit John Cleese character turned up..."
Quote from: dex on October 24, 2022, 06:59:03 PMYour Spliffy bomber jacket is in the chazza shop window display.
SPLIFFY! About a month ago I was desperately trying to remember what the 90s clothing with a guy smoking a joint was
Caught short in the lift and forced to take a shit in front of your beautiful neighbour.
Quote from: Cuellar on October 25, 2022, 10:29:52 PMSPLIFFY! About a month ago I was desperately trying to remember what the 90s clothing with a guy smoking a joint was
Now
that's desolation!
Oh yes
"I'm afraid we'll have to take you into custody sir, that bumbag is awful."
"But it's a once-in-a-lifetime dream trip to California!"
"I'm sorry sir. But we cannot let you get away with wearing this bumbag."
"Ooh, extra-strength deso!"
Tug job from Barry in an office cubicle. Both fired shortly after for unrelated reasons.
It turns out that you are - in fact - little more than a bag of boanes
Quote from: Cuellar on October 25, 2022, 10:29:52 PMSPLIFFY! About a month ago I was desperately trying to remember what the 90s clothing with a guy smoking a joint was
you get mocked coming out of the charity shop by a guy in a Ganjaland bomber jacket
Quote from: Ferris on October 26, 2022, 04:37:46 PMTug job from Barry in an office cubicle. Both fired shortly after for unrelated reasons.
(https://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/en/a/ac/Barry_Evans_EastEnders_2004.jpg)
Stepney vole collector shits themselves during a particularly long taxidermy bout.
What's for tea? Pissy eggs.
Your tryst with a stent ends halfway around Nemesis.
Belted up the arse by Bomber Harris. His cock is a bomb and your arse is Dresden 1945.
Oh dear! Oh no! I'm afraid it's going to have to be another shitty day of people being uncooperative and mean! No fun for you!
Quote from: shoulders on October 27, 2022, 10:43:23 PMBelted up the arse by Bomber Harris. His cock is a bomb and your arse is Dresden 1945.
You say this like it's a bad thing
Genuinely upset that the phone book is so small now. Whole month ruined.
You arrive to your wank den lockup to find your collection of white dog shit from the 90's has been defiled.
A court finds you not guilty of domestic abuse because your attempts to have your wife change her behaviour was 'pro-business and pro-growth'
You are now so bald that you decide to cosplay as Captain Picard. You fail to think of an appropriate Shakespeare quote for the situation but there are tears nonetheless.
Quote from: Glebe on October 28, 2022, 07:50:57 PMYou are now so bald that you decide to cosplay as Captain Picard. You fail to think of an appropriate Shakespeare quote for the situation but there are tears nonetheless.
Your attempt at a Picard facepalm goes horribly wrong.
Quote from: Glebe on October 26, 2022, 01:45:08 AMCaught short in the lift and forced to take a shit in front of your beautiful neighbour.
Surprising your self by getting aroused at this post
Quote from: dex on October 28, 2022, 05:31:15 PMYou arrive to your wank den lockup to find your collection of white dog shit from the 90's has been defiled.
Will take you all day to file it all again
Bill and Ben the Flowerpot Men are caught up in a yewtree side investigation.
It's never proved, but everyone in the business knew.
Quote from: Ferris on October 29, 2022, 12:21:42 AMBill and Ben the Flowerpot Men are caught up in a yewtree side investigation.
It's never proved, but everyone in the business knew.
The arrogance. They felt untouchable.
(https://bookmanpeedeel.files.wordpress.com/2015/09/flowerpotmen.jpg)
Your idiot girlfriend requests the abortion over Zoom.
Quote from: drummersaredeaf on October 29, 2022, 09:17:33 AMYour idiot girlfriend requests the abortion over Zoom.
Abortionist recommends you "play the field" during a FaceTime chat.
Being ordered to cheer up by a gurning vagrant of no fixed abode.
Ben Dover resin diorama
The life-size Wendy house you built for your sex dolls has to be demolished to make way for HS2.
Forcing someone from So Solid Crew who now works in a Drive Thru to 'go on, do that bit'.
Quote from: pancreas on October 30, 2022, 02:59:14 PMThe life-size Wendy house you built for your sex dolls has to be demolished to make way for HS2.
Good one
Bald, middle-aged man gets some goodies in to hand out to kids, quickly becomes known as the 'Halloween Paedo'.
Shouting at your own body because you decided to give your buboes names and create a royal court melodrama that has spun out of control.
Daniel Bedingfield is verbally abused by youths after another long day at the chip shop.
The Physical Disability Rugby League World Cup team from New Zealand get a visit from Kerry Katona in the showers.
It is revealed by Nicholas Witchell that the new pound coin will have James Corden as tails.
Pigeon fanciers meeting, 1985, Minehead.
Losing to your dad in a 'beep test' he has devised for foreskin retraction.
After towelling off he puts his arm around your shoulders and says 'chin up son, mine's an Easy Peeler'.
Quote from: pancreas on October 30, 2022, 02:59:14 PMThe life-size Wendy house you built for your sex dolls has to be demolished to make way for HS2.
Excellent.
A Lisa Loeb tribute act's career ends abruptly with the strangulation of Tom Jones on The Voice.
Quote from: Glebe on November 01, 2022, 03:26:05 AMPigeon fanciers meeting, 1985, Minehead.
Christian kids accidentally pecked to death at Spring Harvest.
Your new postie is the spitting image of Joe Rogan - and speaking of spitting he enjoys leaving gobs of tobacco phlegm all over your garden path.
To the strains of information concerning the nature of amphibians, your Uncle attempts to drown your toad CRAPPO in your childhood paddling pool.
With no pleasurable sensation whatsoever, you ejaculate a wasp, who fixes your gaze and shakes its little head disapprovingly before dying.
Repo men take your Stuart Baggs "the Brand" shrine.
You trek to Cheltenham under the illusion that the streets are paved with gold.
An hour after ticking off the last item on his bucket list (finishing Doc Martin), a Leo Sayer impersonator leaps off a motorway footbridge.
All your sausages start wriggling about.
Naff Christmas songs playing in early November -in B&M.
Quote from: Fishfinger on November 04, 2022, 12:25:58 PMAll your sausages start wriggling about.
(https://www.thescottishsun.co.uk/wp-content/uploads/sites/2/2017/11/nintchdbpict000365600170.jpg?strip=all&w=954&quality=100)
Banned from HS Art for failing to adequately applaud an anus joke.
Ejected from a Nicholsons pub for eating a cold McDonald's Chicken Mayo you bought three hours earlier
Welcomed in to a Greene King for eating a cold McDonald's Chicken Mayo you bought three hours earlier
Blood is shed at Wrexham's poorest restaurant when the Andrew Ridgeley and Barry 'Cillit Bang' Scott fan clubs are double-booked.
Offering to wank off an old man in the pub toilet just for the thrill of either a) wanking off an old man, or b) getting battered by an old man
Your eggs Benedict is just a load of crushed wasps at Sheffield's second-worst cafe.
You organise a puppet show to amuse yourself in the shed you're renting from a paedophile.
Your IBS gets so bad that your intestines are literally doing the samba.
Skegness bubble wrap enthusiast Keith Hives seemed like a harmless eccentric fellow until his 2006 arrest for indecenty assaulting some livestock near Stockton.
Things escalate suddenly at a Shropshire livestock market when Barry the bull decides that 'kill' is the only option.
Being bullied into a watery grave on a Saga cruise when the compere discovers you were once a newsagent.
Quote from: drummersaredeaf on November 06, 2022, 12:54:57 PMBeing bullied into a watery grave on a Saga cruise when the compere discovers you were once a newsagent.
People will remember 'Cornorshop Kevin' long after you are dragged on deck.
An ostrich kicks your cunt in for trying to compare your respective IQs.
Quote from: drummersaredeaf on November 06, 2022, 12:57:15 PMAn ostrich running in slo-mo to the Chariots of Fire theme kicks your cunt in for trying to compare your respective IQs.
Quote from: Glebe on November 06, 2022, 12:56:11 PMPeople will remember 'Cornorshop Kevin' long after you are dragged on deck.
Does Cornershop Kev know your dad?
Quote from: drummersaredeaf on November 06, 2022, 01:11:31 PMDoes Cornershop Kev know your dad?
Oh yes. Always has his reserved copy of the
Daily Express behind the counter.
Your ambition to have your hedgerow sourced used condom collection ratified as a world record by Norris McWhirter is dashed when you discover he's been dead for nearly two decades*
*Not a record
Quote from: Glebe on November 06, 2022, 01:18:14 PMOh yes. Always has his reserved copy of the Daily Express behind the counter.
Bonus deso: I used to occasionally pick my nephew up from nursery, and the password for him was 'Daily Express'.
Quote from: drummersaredeaf on November 06, 2022, 02:12:32 PMBonus deso: I used to occasionally pick my nephew up from nursery, and the password for him was 'Daily Express'.
(https://media.tenor.com/cD5untFQrX0AAAAd/facepalm-head-in-hand.gif)
An abnormal saddo is particularly pathetic in Cowes.
While delivering your Dad's eulogy you look up to find the rows of seats filled with Glebe reaction gifs.
An edict by Kemi Badenoch abolishes all reading material other than the Daily Express. Despite normally being quite left-wing, your reaction is best described as 'tumescent'.
The only way you can possibly cope with the constant onslaught of misery is to rub your glans on a soiled shed door in Buxton, now that's what I call relief from the constant swirl of modern awfulness!
Ghosts are scared of you.
Quote from: Fishfinger on November 07, 2022, 06:32:39 PMGhosts are scared of you.
(https://burialsandbeyond.files.wordpress.com/2019/03/1345478.jpg?w=656)
Look at the terror on it's face.
You stop yelling WAKANDA FOREVER when you ejaculate, and this is the main reason for your divorce.
Your cold case into the murder of a gnat hits the skids after you 'munt some space tabs'.
Your debut album is deemed unfit for distribution due to a surfeit of MIDI Banjo, a deal breaking feature to you
Some digestive crumbs get on your jumper, more like dust then crumbs but still, absolute deso.
Quote from: PlanktonSideburns on November 07, 2022, 09:56:01 PMYour debut album is deemed unfit for distribution due to a surfeit of MIDI Banjo, a deal breaking feature to you
EUPHORIA
Total spontaneous inversion. Doesn't even bleed.
The arrival of your firstborn is accompanied by a wild storm and a visit from a Wise Woman who prophecies that the child will one day revive the Dixons brand.
Dizzee Rascal tells you to fuck off in Havering's smallest newsagent.
Your credability is deemed 'bummed in the gob' at your annual review at the office.
Colchester is awash with spunk after the local sperm bank "bursts".
You demarcate children Ellis, Steven, Alice, Werther, Paul and Molly as 'fodder'
Your Fray Bentos tin collection is whisked away by a freak tornado near Pendleton.
You accidentally put some food waste in the black bin and end up giving yourself fifty lashes and can't sleep for two days, finding genuine delight in This Morning and spending a few hours pretending you are Phillip Schofield but with your knob tucked in between your legs.
Some disenchanted voles flood your kitchen with unwanted detritus.
Brained by an errant copy of The Collected Columns of Peter Hitchins.
Elaine of Cawdor is sentenced to 5 in mental for her fear of divots.
Quote from: shoulders on November 09, 2022, 05:04:07 PMElaine of Cawdor is sentenced to 5 in mental for her fear of divots.
Due to cuts, the only available bed is on Divot Ward.
In an usual move, Bargain Hunt is retooled to appeal to copraphiles.
James O'Brien after an 8 minute monologue about a journalist getting arrested for covering an M25 protest is politely asked by a caller why he remains quiet about other journalist's plights like Assange "Don't step to me, bruv!"
Your five year old daughter's school painting depicts her holding hands with mummy in front of a white picket fence, with Benji the dog frolicking in the front garden of a house with four windows and a red front door and smoke spiralling from a square chimney into a sunny sky. And you wanking furiously in the garden shed.
Quote from: ollyboro on November 09, 2022, 10:56:26 PMAnd you wanking furiously in the garden shed.
You'll always pretend you have a "project to finish in there" but kids are quite astute.
In a way, you do have a project to finish in there.
Quote from: Ferris on November 10, 2022, 01:44:45 AMIn a way, you do have a project to finish in there.
PROJECT WANK (TOP SECRET).
Your local neighbourhood watch are granted the power to spy on 'shy retiring' locals.
Shed one has done me
It looked like a shrink wrapped Mappa Mundi, Gretel opines as your foreskin departs to the Grey Havens.
Sharting yourself awake to discover you are the last remaining passenger on the Mary Celeste.
You involve the local paramilitary when your Atomic Kitten CDs are burgled.
"I don't know who it was yet but I want blood on the fucking asphalt"
You both thought you were giving each other a sympathy shag
"I'm a livin' in a box! I'm a livin' in a wood pine box!"
"Dad, please! Your upsetting Norm's relatives! Though to be fair it's not the first time you've upset them at one of his many funerals."
You are recognized by Dappy from N-Dubz in a St Albans chip shop.
Your hilarious project to gradually app fatten your Facebook profile picture over a series of weeks is foiled on day one by your 93 year old aunt.
So desperate for human interaction you start trying to crash into other peoples trolleys at the Aldi in Kingstanding, just so you can smile and apologize.
Fails completely of course.
Quote from: Ferris on November 12, 2022, 08:07:11 PMSo desperate for human interaction you start trying to crash into other peoples trolleys at the Aldi in Kingstanding, just so you can smile and apologize.
Fails completely of course.
Escorted outside by security while demanding they return your trolley token.
They don't.
Barred for life from the Aldi in Kingstanding, reason given: "mucking about re: trolley".
(I've been to the Aldi in Kingstanding and unbelievably it is an order of magnitude bleaker than the massive tesco they have opposite.)
You break your most trustworthy teeth on an aggressive soup
Quote from: Ferris on November 12, 2022, 08:07:11 PMSo desperate for human interaction you start trying to crash into other peoples trolleys at the Aldi in Kingstanding, just so you can smile and apologize.
Fails completely of course.
Not to mention there's four kilos of emmenthal in that trolley!😉
Congratulations, its a boy!!!!
Hogarthed into a bin in three weeks, cries too much
Quote from: PlanktonSideburns on November 13, 2022, 06:48:29 PMCongratulations, its a boy!!!!
Hogwarted into a bin in three weeks, cries too much
(https://media.tenor.com/sG0daOlIDZwAAAAC/harry-potter-hold.gif)
A Droitwich wizard approaches you in Thetford's smelliest pub, and, unsolicited, tells you his three favourite things: "Real ale, Jethro Tull, rambles."
Quote from: PlanktonSideburns on November 13, 2022, 06:48:29 PMCongratulations, its a boy!!!!
Hogarthed into a bin in three weeks, cries too much
AND THATS JUST THE FUKIN DAD?!?
Shunned by your local psychosis support group because your only symptom is paving slabs looking a bit like Bob Holness, if you squint.
You are disqualified from Team GB's "Eggy Boff (Men's Pairs)" squad moments before the event for taking performance enhancing substances (eggs).
"No more beans."
Propa ragin' cos Coop Funeralcare doesn't have a cash point.
A revolting pen pal leaves you stranded at Stanstead Airport.
Martin of Stanbridge makes a half-scale frost giant out of Slush Puppies. "I've wasted my life," he admit to the pavement.
Your new neighbour is an actual gorgon.
Quote from: Glebe on November 15, 2022, 09:33:31 AMYour new neighbour is an actual gorgon.
"Ah, you must be the new n-"
I hope that wasn't going where I think it was
Pierre from Lyon enjoys stabbing voles with a cardboard knife.
Glebe marks your death with a gif showing your whole life's achievements
Quote from: Vodkafone on November 17, 2022, 09:02:37 AMGlebe marks your death with a gif showing your whole life's achievements
(https://y.yarn.co/e5cc9a36-4a72-44da-b84d-57c436e22707_text.gif)
Ate the last of the Halloween candy this morning for breakfast, 2 fun-size Almond Joy
Colchester pig impersonator.
Your sole Facebook friend is Andrew Neil.
After shitting yourself and a hasty cleanup, your coworkers remark your new aftershave improves your smell significantly
Dennis of Haringey owns a collection of the world's least-fashionable spats.
Quote from: Glebe on November 17, 2022, 06:46:22 PMYour sole Facebook friend is Andrew Neil.
not *the* Andrew Neil, but somehow *more* right wing
Quote from: Pink Gregory on November 18, 2022, 10:08:54 PMnot *the* Andrew Neil, but somehow *more* right wing
(https://media.tenor.com/8SXYqVfpAzMAAAAd/despair-hardcore.gif)
Your hair is teeth and your teeth is hair
Tony of Suffolk, toad embalmer.
Mortimer and Whitehouse: Gone Fishing. Except it's Steve Lamacq and Mike Read.
and it's called Gone Impregnating
And Read is doin' 'is blackface.
(https://i.imgur.com/bIMkQRZ.jpg)
Grounding a flight because you fear one of the passengers is menstruating.
You realise your praline fetish may be becoming a problem when you are arrested naked breaking into a health food shop.
Losing to local character Dogdon at huffing pig shit.
A schism develops in the local tidy towns group when Malcolm suggests they should focus particularly on dog dirt.
Tearing a hole in the best of your 6 'I ama paeodo' aprons.
Your favoured wanking-layby is being turned into a Greggs.
All
Day
I
Think
About
Sarcophagy
One millionth stamp licked. You don't even send the envelopes.
You throw frozen peas at an old man until your fingers get cold, at which point you start to miss.
You haunt a service station but no-one notices.
Crucified, covered in jam.
Every time you enter, you forget why. It's called reincarnation. It's also called making sausages.
You are charged with treason for throwing an old Paddington teddy into a skip. Hung drawn and quartered in Trafalgar Square, live broadcast hosted by Ant & Dec.
Your offer of a single Pringle is politely rejected by the local homeless man.
A representative from the estate of Prince enters a Bromley pub and orders the local band to cease playing 'When Doves Cry' or face legal action.
Quote from: Glebe on November 21, 2022, 03:20:25 PMA representative from the estate of Prince enters a Bromley pub and orders the local band to cease playing 'When Doves Cry' or face legal action.
Jez and Andy Williams are in attendance, and this development leaves them both weeping.
Quote from: Ferris on November 21, 2022, 05:14:09 PMJez and Andy Williams are in attendance, and this development leaves them both weeping.
(Does a quick Google)
Ah right I see!
Quote from: Buttered Ghost on November 21, 2022, 09:42:16 AMYour offer of a single Pringle is politely rejected by the local homeless man.
He is your son.
Quote from: Glebe on November 20, 2022, 01:29:41 PMYour favoured wanking-layby is being turned into a Greggs.
Still, you're not going to let that stop you.
Quote from: Vodkafone on November 21, 2022, 07:19:47 PMStill, you're not going to let that stop you.
Rip euphoria thread
Meringue obsessive has nervous breakdown, Cleethorpes.
Quote from: Glebe on November 22, 2022, 10:49:44 AMMeringue obsessive has nervous breakdown, Cleethorpes.
None of these words will stop me.
Having said that, not sure about Cleethorpes.
You'll end up meringued into oblivion!
Quote from: Glebe on November 22, 2022, 11:29:21 AMYou'll end up meringued into oblivion!
Experienced during the wait at A&E.
"I'm sorry Mr. Fishfingers but the meringue has solidified. We're going to have to break it with sticks."
Quote from: Glebe on November 22, 2022, 11:48:22 AM"I'm sorry Mr. Fishfingers but the meringue has solidified. We're going to have to break it with sticks."
Pretend sobs whilst hiding the delighted smile.
"That's the meringue sorted but I'm afraid you've got frenulum rot mate."
Just tell me my dad's still ok and not doing anything weird or dangerous
Quote from: Fishfinger on November 22, 2022, 11:58:54 AMJust tell me my dad's still ok and not doing anything weird or dangerous
(https://c.tenor.com/5pKhZ7vHgzoAAAAC/lawn-mower-landscaping.gif)
All I wanted.
Ctrl Z-ing your newborn at the maternity ward so you can get to McD's before the breakfast menu finishes.
Kwasi Kwarteng face down outside a chip shop, weeping that he didn't get time to formally introduce a "chip tax".
Not allowed on the bus until you accept the driver's offer of marriage.
That's the third driver this week you've said you'll marry you fucking bigamist you.
Quote from: Ferris on November 22, 2022, 02:56:48 PMKwasi Kwarteng face down outside a chip shop, weeping that he didn't get time to formally introduce a "chip tax".
(https://i.imgur.com/x6O6KV6.jpg)
CCTV footage of a knobend dancing naked in Chepstow.
Your wife is diagnosed with BSE.
Keith of the Midlands has insufficient reserves of spunk.
This is good swill! Certainly the finest in the entire Kikmarnock area!
You rename yourself Glenn by deed poll, you who has an unhealthy fascination with dirigibles.
So listless are you that when you are asked by your handler if you want you sister killed you only manage to type 'yed'
You put your pregnant daughter's redundancy money on a horse that comes last at Taplow's filthiest bookie.
Quote from: Glebe on November 27, 2022, 03:56:38 PMTaplow's filthiest bookie.
Look, stop having a go, we hose them down all the time but sometimes they worm their way out and anyway when did you last shower.
Dirty bookmaker!
Quote from: Glebe on November 24, 2022, 10:20:30 AMdirigibles
The greatest of all Greek heroes, who drowned.
Bedroom mudslide makes international news.
The kids escape while you're out getting cabbage.
An incontinent, fairies-bound Jay Z does full toileting all over your dowry believing it to be 'the shee-et hole'.
Your gran keeps asking to borrow your phone, purportedly to search for things like florist phone numbers, dates of theatre shows etc. A real technophobe, you liked the fact she's gaining confidence to move with the times and embrace technology.
However, every time you get your phone back the first search you see on Google is "tay zonday onlyfans".
An all-consuming addiction to stool softeners defines the final chapter of your life.
Vg
The residents of Gildersome get to watch a tarpaulin fly away into the distance as their New Year celebrations.
You cum over the boom operator during an appearance on Naked Attraction.
Quote from: GMTV on November 30, 2022, 01:25:45 PMYour gran keeps asking to borrow your phone, purportedly to search for things like florist phone numbers, dates of theatre shows etc. A real technophobe, you liked the fact she's gaining confidence to move with the times and embrace technology.
However, every time you get your phone back the first search you see on Google is "tay zonday onlyfans".
Got me good, nearly woke baby up
You concede a goal at your near post while Stewart Robson is commentating.
your stand-up material is eclipsed by one of the punters talking about his foreskin
You devise a dish called "Fray Bentos, Three Ways".
Your union jack pants are hanging out at work.
Mate.
Quote from: Vodkafone on December 01, 2022, 03:52:12 PMYour union jack pants are hanging out at work.
Mate.
The blue, red, yellow and brown flag we all cherish.
Chris Martin moans incoherently through your earbuds while you contemplate IKEA.
Your best mate gets your dream job, and when you're informed the big boss says "yeah it was basically a coin flip!"
Your Craig Revel Horwood mask is almost complete.
Your absolute commitment to atheism is shaken to it's very foundations when you see the face of Christ in your Mother's heavily shitted knickers.
You Help For Heroes/Christmas meld (a field of poppies covered in snow from a can, tinsel and fairy lights) wins Look North photo of the day.
Mildred next door makes you a painting of lice for your birthday.
You find new meaning in life thanks to a stinking local skip.
Wizbit cosplay, Birmingham.
You realise your life effectively ended with the Switch-Maestro merger.
Stuart Hall and Rolf Harris in palliative care post their solicitor outside your house "To receive documents, photographs and digital media that were well loved by both, that we know he will be VERY APPRICIATIVE OF".
Your pro-cruelty in farming pressure group sails through its first ISO audit, the assessor exiting with a wink and encouragement to 'keep up the good work'.
Tanked up on Bud Zero, Frank Lampard fucks a trafficked back street hooker in Doha and contracts Chlamydia, the Official Sexually Transmitted Infection (TM) of the 2022 World Cup.
You're scammed by Martin Lewis
You stop blaming the Jews for all the ills in the world for Christmas.
Quote from: Ferris on November 22, 2022, 02:56:48 PMKwasi Kwarteng face down outside a chip shop, weeping that he didn't get time to formally introduce a "chip tax".
Laughed
Your ossified budgerigar sends an inswinging yorker onto the roof of Goddard Veterinary Group in Plaistow.
Your are sent out into the sleet to deliver some mouldy carrot cake to a group of carol singers dressed as Lanky Kong "for charity".
Whilst perusing your recently deceased mother's photo albums, you can't help but notice that on every photo you're in, she's methodically scrawled the word "cunt" on your forehead , with what appears to be her cesarean section staples.
You reenact the old Robertson's golly ad at a local Christmas fayre. "It's all in a good cause! Money goes to our UKIP counsillor!"
You are officially declared Dalston's Least-Popular Moron.
Zoflora can only mask so much
Quote from: rilk on December 10, 2022, 12:08:15 AMZoflora can only mask so much
(https://i.imgur.com/ZNV99k1.gif)
The fun Victorian wallpaper you put up in the 2010s screams poverty in the 2020s
You have finished painting the subbuteo reenactment of the Heysel disaster.
The rest of the family sit in silence while you reenact The Krays (1990) on Boxing Day. Every single role. Even Blakey.
A gaggle of dwarves give you a kicking in your dreams. At last some attention from someone!
A struggling father attempts to recapture some of his lost youth by imitating the speaker scene that opens Back to the Future, blowing the entire, complete skeleton out the back of his body.
Brian's pride at turning up at The Royal Tunbridge Wells Battle Reenactment Society's reenactment of the Battle of Ypres with his recently sourced Webley .455 Mark 6 is crushed when the President of The Royal Tunbridge Wells Battle Reenactment Society points out that his Webley .455 Mark 6 couldn't have been used during the Battle of Ypres due to the Webley .455 Mark 6 not being commissioned until the year after the Battle of Ypres.
A 3 hour Feminist SJW CRINGE Compilation is entered at the Cannes film festival
Quote from: ollyboro on December 11, 2022, 09:59:05 PMBrian's pride at turning up at The Royal Tunbridge Wells Battle Reenactment Society's reenactment of the Battle of Ypres with his recently sourced Webley .455 Mark 6 is crushed when the President of The Royal Tunbridge Wells Battle Reenactment Society points out that his Webley .455 Mark 6 couldn't have been used during the Battle of Ypres due to the Webley .455 Mark 6 not being commissioned until the year after the Battle of Ypres.
Ironically, said issue was resolved for all concerned by the deployment of an anachronistic landmine.
Buzby was amongst the dead.
Drunk at 7.38am, you deliver a stumbling attack on covid lockdowns to no one before being moved on from Halifax Stanfield International Airport.
You overslept on the chair at gate 26 and missed your flight back to Calgary and despite a desperate hatchet job on Justin Trudeau, the sadness in your eyes reveals that deep down, you know this situation is all your own fault.
You, obviously, learn nothing from all this.
Why won't you learn, Ferris?
Peterborough is described as "the land of opportunity" by an embarrassingly-drunk stock market trader.
Your treatise on stool softeners, a life's work, is dismissed with a cackle by Dr. L.W.C Liu, the be all and end all of rat colon research.
(https://ichef.bbci.co.uk/news/976/cpsprodpb/10F7/production/_121434340_fuller.jpg)
You were dead. He fucks you back alive.
Sort of Nonce Dexter.
The DWP applies a sanction to your 'friend with benefits' arrangement.
Michael Fish is alive and well but the deso is that he's wandering around downtown LA shouting "I got the hurricanes wrong!"
Quote from: Mr Eggs on December 13, 2022, 08:00:41 AM(https://ichef.bbci.co.uk/news/976/cpsprodpb/10F7/production/_121434340_fuller.jpg)
You were dead. He fucks you back alive.
Bleak, but laughed anyways.
Keith of Padstow.
Your best friend is frogspawn.
You try to "go to work on an egg" but it gets lodged.
It's a dog egg.
In his heart of hearts Barry knows that his father's gaping arsehole was less ruined prior to his corpse entering the mortuary.
Missing a date with who would have been the love of your life, to wait in for Yodel to replace a £5.99 pinot grigio with the £6.99 one you ordered.
Belted up the arse by Bubble from Big Brother.
Three weeks in a rain-soaked Bootle, first holiday in a decade.
Upcycling a tube of Doritos STAX into a coffin for your Uncle's 'wandering finger'.
Having your mental health disparaged during a 2am tiff with the spider you've trapped under a glass.
At your surprise 50th birthday party, the gasps that greet your ears when your Mother shows a home video of you masturbating to a particularly disturbing scene in an episode of Tenko threaten to put you off your sly wank.
Your free parish newsletter contains a question and answer with the local flasher who names you as "a key influence".
Your prize homing pigeon shits on your head then fucks off in the wrong direction.
You spend Christmas working on your 50,000 word thesis concerning the topic 'Why cold mud is a wonderful thing to roll in'.
Meredith of Hounslow builds her own Star Wars 'tractor beam' out of thousands of stolen magnets.
You spend the Christmas holidays binge watching IBA Engineering Announcements.
Quote from: buttgammon on December 17, 2022, 09:29:52 AMYou spend the Christmas holidays binge watching IBA Engineering Announcements.
You punch the air. "NICAM stereo's coming the fuck to Caldbeck!"
Fumbling in the dark for more gin, you bump into the trophy shelf and your "Chode of England Award 1994" plate falls and smashed into a thousand pieces.
Hatewanking into a besmirched charity box.
Quote from: Chicory on December 17, 2022, 04:52:22 PMHatewanking into a besmirched charity box.
"FUCK THE HOMELESS!" bellows from your mouth alongside a spray of spittle as you reach an angry climax. Even the dog can't look at you afterwards.
Dad gives you a trump NFT for Christmas.
"What's an NFT, dad?"
"I don't know, son"
Your dirt protest is put down to Natural Causes
You embark on a 'ship in a bottle' process to inseminate yourself with a white dog shit.
Forced to cook for the rest of your natural life using only the utensils from an unloved airbnb
Spending Boxing Day inside an abandoned caravan at the dump, furiously dismantling a Furby.
Woops, wrong thread
You attend a fancy dress party as Ken Barlow, but everybody else there asks you why you didn't bother with fancy dress.
A Basingstoke wastrel describes you as "creepy" during a washed-out yuletide fayre.
John Terry promises to "turn your anus into a penis" during an incomprehensible (and later, much-regretted) tinder date in Basildon.
Rod Stewart describes a sensitive child's voice as "lacking" during a charity sing-a-long.
You do a Facebook quiz, which paedophile are you? and you get depressed because you get Roger Black instead of Sidney Cooke.
You open a box of Wheetos and find a cellophane-wrapped pog of your father getting fisted.
Quote from: derek stitt on December 20, 2022, 12:47:54 AMYou do a Facebook quiz, which paedophile are you? and you get depressed because you get Roger Black instead of Sidney Cooke.
(https://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/en/3/32/Robert_Black_mugshot.jpg)
Robert Black's face at getting confused with a 400 metre runner.
Quote from: Mr Eggs on December 20, 2022, 03:59:48 AM(https://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/en/3/32/Robert_Black_mugshot.jpg)
Robert Black's face at getting confused with a 400 metre runner.
These Facebook quizzes are shot to buggery now they have gone over to meta.
Also, oops
You see a whole load of junk mail has made it into your Gmail account.
"ooh great, I'll sit and read through all that tonight, gives me something to do"
At a car boot sale you are offered an insultingly low price for your box of lovingly curated Colin Welland memorabilia. You return home, livid.
You've begun to look how you smell.
Bitter feuds over lighting direction see you removed as the script editor for A Very Anal Christmas.
Darren of Stepney is uncomfortably proud of the Spring-heeled Jack costume he has created from scratch.
Derek Stitt and Jake Thingray form a Cheeky Girls tribute act and tour the old folks homes and orphanages for Christmas.
Quote from: derek stitt on December 20, 2022, 08:41:24 PMDerek Stitt and Jake Thingray form a Cheeky Girls tribute act and tour the old folks homes and orphanages for Christmas.
Lembit Öpik's desperate attempts to form part of the performance are rebuffed.
Chief Inspector Barnaby (non-Nettles incarnation) has popped round for a good old chat. He'll be here for hours, probably.
Lovely cuppa and a natter.
A Middlesbrough-based Jamie Theakston fan club is forced to close when it's sole remaining member admits he hasn't been "into James for some years".
Quote from: derek stitt on December 20, 2022, 08:41:24 PMDerek Stitt and Jake Thingray form a Cheeky Girls tribute act and tour the old folks homes and orphanages for Christmas.
Don't be shy, have a stroke. No, not that sort! Nurse!
Quote from: derek stitt on December 20, 2022, 08:41:24 PMDerek Stitt and Jake Thingray form a Cheeky Girls tribute act and tour the old folks homes and orphanages for Christmas.
It'd probably be rather close to this version, heartface (from the now totally forgotten
Fame Academy);
Concentrated acid for sperm.
"Just one of those things managed to wipe out my entire crew in less than 24 hours."
Denby copraphile voted Most Popular Local of the Year. AGAIN.
Your failure to ejaculate right at the point Frank Sinatra dies in Von Ryan's Express is met with derision by the rest of your family
Thinking you were warts and all and realising you're all warts.
"But does your lego hospital porter have a POINT OF VIEW?!" roars a drunken Rupaul Charles at his terrified 6 year old nephew on boxing day.
"Really enjoying the great new bypass. Superb!" The shoeless man's quote earns him a Cornish pasty, the cost of which his interlocutor will get back on expenses. It's not warm.
A lamb springs about, excited by the promise of all that grass, all that frolicking, the sheer joy of being alive. Life is amazing, mum! Thank you so much! The sun, the sky! I love everything! Bolted in Skegness.
Your dad apologises for having terminal cancer.
Quote from: Fishfinger on December 22, 2022, 04:30:51 PMYour dad apologises for having terminal cancer.
Here's a real life deso/things your dad is doing crossover:
My mate's dad turned to him and said 'well son, your mum's got cancer and your sister's a lesbian. It's like Coronation Street'.
Quote from: drummersaredeaf on December 22, 2022, 04:40:14 PMHere's a real life deso/things your dad is doing crossover:
My mate's dad turned to him and said 'well son, your mum's got cancer and your sister's a lesbian. It's like Coronation Street'.
That was a RL deso actually. But now you've given us something a total degenerate could wank over, so that's great. For someone who is that kind of person. I think it was Sam who said the best deso/euphoria posts could appear in either thread.
Experts confirm the desolation thread is now so long it could be made into a desolation jumper.
The anaesthetist at your stomach stapling confirms it is 'time for tubby bye bye'.
Quote from: Fishfinger on December 22, 2022, 04:44:46 PMThat was a RL deso actually. But now you've given us something a total degenerate could wank over, so that's great. For someone who is that kind of person. I think it was Sam who said the best deso/euphoria posts could appear in either thread.
Before you start wanking, I didn't say which family in Coronation Street.
Quote from: drummersaredeaf on December 22, 2022, 04:49:17 PMBefore you start wanking, I didn't say which family in Coronation Street.
Too late.
Quote from: Spoon of Ploff on December 22, 2022, 04:45:34 PMExperts confirm the desolation thread is now so long it could be made into a desolation jumper.
Comes in two sizes: cellar-imprisoned mutant with a massive head and motorway pile-up jelly.
Sorry, that's flavours.
You realise you're worse than Frank Booth, because you'll not only fuck anything that moves, but anything that doesn't.
Quote from: Vodkafone on December 22, 2022, 05:09:47 PMYou realise you're worse than Frank Booth, because you'll not only fuck anything that moves, but anything that doesn't.
In a fight between Frank Booth and Emo Philips, who wins?
Tissue manufacturers.
Turns out you're not a fish, you stupid drowning bastard.
Really annoyed by the whining dog next door. Probably shouldn't have imprisoned him in the oubliette.
You order crab legs. You get them and tuck in. But a legless crab is screaming in wordless pain on a plate on your table. You don't kill it. You post pictures on Instagram. Describe in single words only the good things that come into your mind about... your crab.
So distracted by laughing at a truly excellent, charming routine by a paedophile impersonating Scooby Doo saying 'Abraham Lincoln' that you forget to put your father's back skin in the composter.
Shoulders is a replicant.
Is that a real horse? Probably not, it would be very expensive. But it doesn't matter when it crushes the car driven by someone you knew a bit at school.
This is why you buy insurance, and you go down the pub and everything's a wreck.
The psycho cat you were forced to adopt, that you fed and watered etc every day for a year that loved to attack you for no apparent reason. Until it feels death is near. Then it crawls all the way up the stairs to your door. And then you arrange to have it exterminated at the vet. Bye buddy.
Your ma's become a Savile truther and has sold your bungalow to fund a documentary.
You accidentally resurrect John McCririck.
Quote from: batwings on December 23, 2022, 10:39:13 AMYou accidentally resurrect John McCririck.
Does he have magical powers similar to that woman from the film, Weird Science?
I do know for a fact that John McCririck tried to sue Madonna on the grounds that vogueing culturally appropriated Tic Tac. Sadly, he couldn't get the funding to go to court.
The last page of entries has been a cut above, wonderful stuff.
Must be the joy of the season seeping in.
Quote from: Ferris on December 19, 2022, 08:59:37 PMJohn Terry promises to "turn your anus into a penis" during an incomprehensible (and later, much-regretted) tinder date in Basildon.
Haha
Very good
You used to be full of piss and vinegar, now you're just full of piss and gravy.
The batch of cement you were working on during your industrial "cunted by a mangle" accident is used for your headstone.
Quote from: touchingcloth on December 24, 2022, 10:47:03 AMThe batch of cement you were working on during your industrial "cunted by a mangle" accident is used for your headstone.
Did an unbecoming splutter-laugh thing in the corner of the living room and my mum thinks I'm ill or something
Quote from: Ferris on December 24, 2022, 11:46:03 AMDid an unbecoming splutter-laugh thing in the corner of the living room and my mum thinks I'm ill or something
The idea occurred to me as I drove past the cement factory where someone did get cunted to death last year. RIP, it's what he would have wanted (your confused mum).
"Don't worry mum, I was laughing at a tombstone joke posted by a fellow middle-aged bald man. No, honestly I'm fine, why do you ask?"
An inaccurate joke at that, as I'm pretty sure they won't have mangles in cement plants. Still, I'm old fashioned and I've always said that "cunted by a mangle" is a funnier phrase than "cunted by gypsum pulveriser 3000".
Preparing for the inevitable: Practicing getting out of a car and walking with a blanket over your head. You don't want to look a twat, do you?
Groove Armada release a single about fixed rate bonds.
Your latest suicide attempt is laughed out of the crematorium
Your resolution for 2023 is 'try to remove all siblings from Wank Bank'
Eating an entire bag of HP salted peanuts with mayonnaise and struggling to breathe.
It's a routine teeth cleaning and you've accidentally cum all over your dentists face. ?
You can't fall in love with one of your patients... it wouldn't be right... right? You're a veterinarian
Leaving your child with the local sex offender so you can go and see Lewis Capldi.
Programming your teddy bear to play the chorus of Kim Appleby's 'Don't Worry' every time you wake up screaming but the tech fucks up and plays Bobby McFerrin instead.
Getting up first thing on Christmas day and finding Millwall season tickets in your Christmas stocking.
Quote from: crosswiresXTC1978 on December 27, 2022, 06:55:10 PMIt's a routine teeth cleaning and you've accidentally cum all over your dentists face. ?
Kilroy has let himself go
Quote from: batwings on December 23, 2022, 10:39:13 AMYou accidentally resurrect John McCririck.
You deliberately resurrect John McCririck.
Quote from: crosswiresXTC1978 on December 27, 2022, 06:55:10 PMIt's a routine teeth cleaning and you've accidentally cum all over your dentists face. ?
Let's see how
they like it.
Your embroidery workshop with Margaret of Anjou is delayed on account of your 'spluttering wankery'.
A social anxiety-related discomfiture at the curry house leads to you accidentally ordering a chicken bumdozi
They're finally developing a more interesting version of sign language
New Years Eve alone eating fruit pastilles until you die.
Due to a mishap at the cannery, the Fray Bentos you were going to have for dinner is all pastry.
Somewhere else, someone opens their can to find it entirely full of gravy. The two of you are soulmates, bound by destiny, but you will never meet.
Your knock off Oculus Rift that was cunted to you for Christmas just has Andrew Tate on repeat ranting about all manner of things.
Quote from: crosswiresXTC1978 on December 27, 2022, 06:55:10 PMIt's a routine teeth cleaning and you've accidentally cum all over your dentists face. ?
Killroy walks towards the camera with his hands out
I like all yours replies
Don't you hate dolphins sliding up on top of you
Willingly playing the ham salad in a Tate brothers sandwich.
Burst sewer pipe, Cheam.
The man sat next to you in chemo regales you with a lengthy anecdote about the time he fitted Roy Hattersley's carpets.
Have you ever noticed how the motorway runs through this children's playground? I hadn't before... that must have been what's happened...
Your 2023 Nick Owen calendar never arrived so you're spending today altering your 2022 one with a magic marker.
Quote from: Vodkafone on December 28, 2022, 07:13:17 PMA social anxiety-related discomfiture at the curry house leads to you accidentally ordering a chicken bumdozi
Laughed
Your arse quiet quits.
You attend your weekly drop-in. In your sister's vagina.
Quote from: batwings on January 01, 2023, 12:23:16 PMYour 2023 Nick Owen calendar never arrived so you're spending today altering your 2022 one with a magic marker.
On each page, your carefully-drawn asymmetric sagging eye and mouth accurately portray the effects of his recent massive stroke. Then you get to work on the dates.
Jason, 7. Police discover that his unpublished end of year report says, "Fell asleep and never woke up. Expecting more from him in 2023."
Massive heart attack in Birmingham knocking shop
The postal strikes delay your official notification of being non-viable. "We'll collect you in 5 working days." There is a knock at the door.
You lost the raffle to see the oncologist. Fingers crossed for next month.
a gameshow where you are the only contestant, and the prize is nominal
Your attempt to recreate Pat Sharp's Fun House doesn't go down well with social services.
Swansex UK and DAS GOOSEFUCKERS agree on an Avian Influenza bug party at Martin Mere.
Quote from: buttgammon on January 05, 2023, 10:47:12 PMYour attempt to recreate Pat Sharp's Fun House doesn't go down well with social services.
your attempt to harness the power of time travel to literally re-run the fun gets a worse response
Quote from: Mr Eggs on January 05, 2023, 11:26:46 PMSwansex UK and DAS GOOSEFUCKERS agree on an Avian Influenza bug party at Martin Mere.
Thumbs up
Licking your Lauren Laverne poster to a condition that the tip will accept.
The doctor asks you to "slip off your panties"
A local oaf rigs up a "Dr Manhattan Machine" using 3 condemned microwaves and an air fryer.
Quote from: Ferris on January 06, 2023, 01:45:48 PMA local oaf rigs up a "Dr Manhattan Machine" using 3 condemned microwaves and an air fryer.
It works. They travel at the speed of light to wondrous galaxies far away and have alien tantric sex with divine nine-breasted Erogenoids, edging and cumming, edging and cumming in a cycle of pure ecstasy for a continuous 7 earth years.
Not that you get to hear about any of this, after you are lynched on the spot for flicking a toddler in a shopping centre.
"I'm tired of Doncaster, these people people. I'm tired of being caught in the tangle of their kebabs."
The only people to attend your living funeral are you and a tramp who weeps whilst masturbating aggressively into the font.
Going into your local cex and realising you didn't notice the smell...
You "Standfast" Coronation Ale for King Charles III is derided as 'fermented pus' by all trusted judges at the Crown Tasting Gala, your operation is served a Section 24 eviction notice for causing embarrassment by proxy to the freeholder and your Aunt Bess takes a step back to inspect your grisly visage then slags off your knees: "shit mate".
Your reflection makes you look like Ron. The perverted part of you feels pleased but you're conflicted.
(https://i.ibb.co/F4Q3W0g/Screenshot-2023-01-07-at-21-25-55.png) (https://ibb.co/60KwZ1g)
Quote from: batwings on January 01, 2023, 12:23:16 PMYour 2023 Nick Owen calendar never arrived so you're spending today altering your 2022 one with a magic marker.
Your 1986 Nick Owen calendar finally arrives. Return of Address: Nick Owen's old address in Market Harborough.
January and you feverishly unzip your beige slacks.
Paisley is the place to be if you want to be depressed by the annual frog-racing championships!
The brochure advertising modern homes in Glebe New Town features celebrity endorsements from Jimmy Savile, Des O'Connor, and Fred Talbot. Glebe New Town was developed in 2019.
Real life deso, after just looking up Fred. Fred Talbot was involved in a 2005 Children's TV show called...wait for it...
Prove it!
Quote from: BlodwynPig on January 08, 2023, 05:10:42 PMThe brochure advertising modern homes in Glebe New Town features celebrity endorsements from Jimmy Savile, Des O'Connor, and Fred Talbot. Glebe New Town was developed in 2019.
Those endorsements where changed at the last minute, due to public outcry, ffs.
Rumours abound of an glitzy evening soiree at Glebe New Town Manor on the eve of the trunk road opening.
Gyles Brandreth will be there!
Your pickled eggs hatch.
Chicken and sweetcorn sandwich for dinner, 83p
Brian Blessed steals your thunder at your daughter's cremation.
Kiddy Fiddling is the new Black
You are the first person to be diagnosed with Relentless Complainant Disorder, 25 years after you began your relentless complaints that you'd been misdiagnosed with Persistent Complainant Disorder.
Marc Dutroux, Belgian rapist paedophile serial killer and car thief, pays your TV licence.
And your dads TV licence.
Your only skill is looking a bit like Billy Dainty.
The Twitch stream of your DIY prolapse repair gets demonetised.
You inherit £500000 pounds from your aunt. But only if you change your name to Trumpet Spermleg.
Quote from: batwings on January 09, 2023, 01:42:05 PMThe Twitch stream of your DIY prolapse repair gets demonetised.
Haha Christ
Vicar caught screaming in despair on Penge CCTV.
You're eliminated in the first round of the South Western All Comers Bukkake Championships by a heavily inebriated Dave Lee Travis.
Paying Barry Hawkins £30 to shit on you in a layby and he doesn't show up.
The Bassett Hound stood next to you at your dog's obedience class gags after sniffing your arsehole.
An overly zealous gamekeeper shoots and drowns you near Padstow.
My second to last visit. He scraped his back slipping out of bed, on a dresser edge I think - looked something like a long carpet burn - narrowly missing the mass of glasses atop it growing mould. We could barely get him back into bed. Decided not to call for help. No no I can't work remotely just yet. A few days later I'm back to authorise the removal of life-saving medication and she can't even bring herself to sit beside him as he dies.
Squelching forward in the darkness, the drugs take hold. You become convinced that the stallion is both approachable and wet. It kicks your head off. And then you're dead in a field, you thick twat. Tesco bad jeans identifiable, beanie unrecoverable, meat mashed.
You are adopted by a family of rabid tadpoles, each manipulating you for their own sordid ends.
Your successfully self-lanced whitlow gives you a glow of accomplishment all day.
"I could have been a doctor!" you beam to your steamy reflection in the Hobart machine door as you load it with another tray of crockery.
A Thetford disappointment spends several days printing old Dandys off the internet.
The Deer Hunter theme plays as a giant, ghostly hologram of Gyles Brandreth's face floats toward you.
A man released from a 25 year stretch in solitary folornly trawls the hedgerow for skin mags.
Quote from: Glebe on January 11, 2023, 02:18:45 AMA Thetford disappointment spends several days printing old Dandys off the internet.
You had me at "A Thetford disappointment".
(fat fingered cunt)
Quote from: Mr Eggs on January 09, 2023, 01:20:53 PMMarc Dutroux, Belgian rapist paedophile serial killer and car thief, pays your TV licence.
And your dads TV licence.
Laughed.
Botolph's eye eggs are hatching.
Quote from: batwings on January 11, 2023, 03:22:44 PMYou had me at "A Thetford disappointment".
Chuckle!
2 Unlimited are spotted sharing an egg bap in Suffolk.
The photographer I met Wednesday, at my younger brother's birthday party, invited me round to his house last night... he wanted to film himself taking pictures of me and upload the video onto the internet: I asked why and he said he gets a lot of money from ad deals and sponsors to film himself working... I couldn't fully understand it, but I didn't really mind because as payment he was giving me a tin of baked beans and there were nearly half left... but I've seen the video just now, he hadn't told me but he was hosting some kind of competition between him and his friends; "who can take the best looking photographs of the worst looking people". I realize now why he'd draped that entire tarp over me... I suppose I just wish I had known his motives
Donkey replaces professor as head of languages at local university
Pig replaces professor as slop-eater at local farm
Fined for soiling the village quagmire.
A parasitic wasp lays its eggs up your helm
You exchange blows when your Japanese Knotweed revenge-gardening service finds itself in competition with a Giant Hogweed revenge-gardening service.
Getting into a scrap with a disabled child over the last cheese and bean melt in Greggs.
Quote from: bgmnts on January 13, 2023, 11:11:02 AMGetting into a scrap with a disabled child over the last cheese and bean melt in Greggs.
Which you lose
. never mind
Chopping your wife's child off out of 'an abundance of caution'.
Banned from a cuntphobia support group.
Hazy now, but your recollection is it didn't happen that way at that time and it definitely wasn't 'brillig'. Although you did get to take the unused butter home to your mum, who was ungrateful.
Your graffiti 'ZAKAT IS FOR POOFS' gets a round of applause as you enter the production studio of ITN.
You're a ghost, in the human realm both invisible and inaudible. Forever. I'd tell you to fuck off but the acknowledgement might take the edge off your eternal misery. I am a dog and I operate on that level. Might lick my balls soon, once I'm done shitting out my breakfast.
I'm sorry your Honour, I didn't know it was Jeremy Irons. I just wanted to kill someone with a battleaxe.
Within 2 months of you teaching him the alphabet the eight year old refugee you fostered is arrested for genocide.
Reluctantly, I was forced to back down in my pursuit of a steak bake once it had been explained that it was unusual to find a person of such young age in a wheelchair.
Your first solid poo in six days is an exact 18:1 replica of Michaelangelo's David but you flush it without noticing.
Oh darling you're looking so lovely and decrepit this evening
Quote from: Ferris on January 14, 2023, 12:19:03 AMYour first solid poo in six days is an exact 18:1 replica of Michaelangelo's David but you flush it without noticing.
solid
You bring your family to a zoo whose mission statement is to "for the benefit of the animals, imitate as natural and wild an environment as possible". You go home alone
Your lover looks at you sweetly, eyes soft and longing. You ask, "what is it?" your own affection evident in the quiet inquisition. They dismiss you saying "oh nothing", acting coy, looking down into themselves with a large smile across their face. And they look so lovely, and you ask again, "well what is it?"; and they say to you now, so shy and sincere, "well... I was just wondering if... if you'd ever be into scat play?"
Quote from: crosswiresXTC1978 on January 14, 2023, 06:13:42 AMYour lover looks at you sweetly, eyes soft and longing. You ask, "what is it?" your own affection evident in the quiet inquisition. They dismiss you saying "oh nothing", acting coy, looking down into themselves with a large smile across their face. And they look so lovely, and you ask again, "well what is it?"; and they say to you now, so shy and sincere, "well... I was just wondering if... if you'd ever be into scat play?"
"So it
wasn't an accident at the Premier Inn, was it?"
Just one food item left in the fridge, a calcified anus.
Training your dog to remove tinsel from his arse doesn't lead to a career in light entertainment like you had hoped.
George from Malmö has an unhealthy fascination with figs.
Your dad is found beheaded in the swimming pool changing rooms
The inquest concludes its 'just one of those things' ending its report with the phrase
'It is what it is at the end of the day'
The latest Pokémon is the spit of your disapproving father.
Your Tinder date regales you with their 'adventures' surrounding the periodic table.
Your new hobby is examining muck granules around Maida Vale.
You are currently in a remote wilderness, in hiding from the National Pork Council, after your disastrous rebrand of Cumberland sausages as 'Cum Sos'
Sprinkling gravel on your breakfast of previously-owned gussets.
Jesus is upset, now everyone has to suffer.
Quote from: Vodkafone on January 16, 2023, 12:32:13 PMYou are currently in a remote wilderness, in hiding from the National Pork Council, after your disastrous rebrand of Cumberland sausages as 'Cum Sos'
The bounty hunters get min wage. And a voucher.
A Dean Gaffney completist reaches the end.
You spend the week after your mother's funeral binge watching a hoof trimming channel on YouTube.
Your stint as tethered outhouse freak for a local millionaire comes to an end after a creature with more unusual and interesting deformities is located and captured.
Three belters in a row there.
Quote from: Vodkafone on January 18, 2023, 12:12:20 PMThree belters in a row there.
Right, let's fuck that up then.
You stalk the house with an axe, keeping your kids in line. "In China they're only allowed one you know." School says they're performing poorly. Well they're performing well at home, so I think we know where the problem lies.
You win the lottery and immediately spend the whole lot fulfilling your wildest dream, buying the rights to The Upper Hand and releasing it on Blu-ray.
In Wales, the fabled race of tortoise and hare is played for real. In that both are immediately shotgunned to death and the important business of the day is thereafter conducted.
#commonsense
You give birth to Jimmy Savile.
Sorry, meant to post this in the Euphoria thread.
.
Ahh, at last, a day off. No it fucking isn't.
Salford City Council put a Levelling Up fund bid in to buy a newly discovered L.S.Lowry painting depicting the artist "Plainly erect whilst in the act of defecating in the mouth of a poor orphan girl".
Losing your cache of portaloos to a frost.
You spend three weeks painstakingly researching the late broadcaster and journalist, in order to create an H.S. Art Spider-Man parody thread titled "D. Derek Jameson". 0 replies.
Quote from: PlanktonSideburns on January 14, 2023, 08:18:28 PMYour dad is found beheaded in the swimming pool changing rooms
The inquest concludes its 'just one of those things' ending its report with the phrase
'It is what it is at the end of the day'
Fantastic
Your 8th course, Dog cummed 3 ways, is aborted as Sir Woofington Smythe refuses to be anally induced.
The Iroquois chief Fellatio-with-Turds designates a discarded rolodex as your spirit animal.
Singing the song of yourself in a pub toilet.
Pub toilet and you glance into a mirror.
.
For sale: Fleshlight. Never cleaned.
The HR person starts the meeting with "So, this is about your posts on the [checks notes] cookdandbombd forum"
The sperm bank demands you repay them after returning 7 years of your donations in a leaking jiffy bank.
Checking your "Andrew Tate anecdotes" notebook to make sure you remember them all before the first date.
Gonna go really well, you reckon. Mmm tapas!
The facilities manager of your folly rips all fuck out of the corbels of your machiocolations.
A much vaunted guru describes your problems as fundamentally unsolvable, before shrugging and finishing his ice cream.
During his eulogy of you, your dad characterises your life as a pointless series of events that he deeply regrets helping to bring about.
Hand jobs blow jobs and Steve jobs
That your poor old granddad
Had to sweat to buy you
You get the blame for a whole jiffy bag of pubes falling on a baby's head despite being in another county.
The crisps that you've been incubating down the side of your Gran's piss drenched armchair start to taste decidedly furry.
Ghosted at a Moonie mass wedding.
Your dad tapes over your memorial with a Ground Force marathon.
A man from Newcastle is put in a situation where he has to say, publicly, the word "latte".
Rising dread tenable over the tannoy as he moves down the hot drinks menu on the 13:22 to Edinburgh.
Your call to the Samaritans makes it onto their Xmas office party highlights of the year tape... again.
Quote from: Ferris on January 23, 2023, 02:26:07 PMA man from Newcastle is put in a situation where he has to say, publicly, the word "latte".
Rising dread tenable over the tannoy as he moves down the hot drinks menu on the 13:22 to Edinburgh.
+1
Quote from: batwings on January 23, 2023, 02:48:28 PMYour call to the Samaritans makes it onto their Xmas office party highlights of the year tape... again.
Very good
Due to rising costs, your orphanage rescinds its no-kill policy.
It was only ever a rule of thumb
Pissing in the baby change because 'My dad hit me'.
Quote from: batwings on January 24, 2023, 08:10:55 AMDue to rising costs, your orphanage rescinds its no-kill policy.
Amazing
Why does the person you are having sex with keep trying to cover your face with your hair?
Your public area develops mange in karmic response to a burst of unwarranted pride.
Eating 12 packs of Maggi noodles in one morning and spewing it all up in the world foods aisle at Morrisons.
It's only after Will from the Repair Shop had spent 14 hours returning her late husband's snooker cue to its former glory that Helen remembers why it had got broken in the first place.
'He used to beat me with it night and day.'
As Father McKenzie cleans out the spunk in the confessional he finds himself questioning if his celibacy was worth it.
Quote from: Vodkafone on January 21, 2023, 08:53:02 PMThe HR person starts the meeting with "So, this is about your posts on the [checks notes] cookdandbombd forum"
Ooh! This has actually happened to me!! Twice!!!
Your best friend is a carthorse named Paddy.
^ another one that could equally go in Euphoria
Your retriever leaves your son to die on account of a nearby chicken goujon.
'I've done worse', you reconcile.
Because it doesn't shit itself on the way back home you decide to take it for a 'big night out' as a reward.
Wirral diarrhoea nightmare.
After being labelled a pompous cunt you point out a more accurate term would be haughty.
Quote from: madhair60 on January 26, 2023, 12:15:10 PMOoh! This has actually happened to me!! Twice!!!
The words we all dread. Were you suitably published?
Quote from: shoulders on January 27, 2023, 07:45:41 AMAfter being labelled a pompous cunt you point out a more accurate term would be haughty.
Which ironically tips the scale back up to cunt, though you keep this under your hat
A peer reviewed article published and read widely across all academic disciplines, arguing the case for you specifically being the most pathetic cunt in Europe.
A script based on your life story is rejected by Ken Loach for being too bleak.
A script based on your life is being produced and directed by Ken Loach but has cast a bucket of actual shit to play you.
The post cum shame from whacking off reading an old desolation page.
Quote from: bgmnts on January 27, 2023, 12:19:52 PMA script based on your life is being produced and directed by Ken Loach but has cast a bucket of actual shit to play you.
its their second choice of shitbucket: the bucket of shit they asked to do it originally said no after reading the script, was quite annoyed to have been asked
The only way you can make poo come out of your anus anymore is by forcing it to become a 'slave to de riddim'.
Your 6 year war of wills with your local takeaway ends with the owner surrendering and promising to stop jizzing in your food.
Wet Tuesday in Craigavon, the scones you bought are stale.
You can't pass through Bootle without visiting your favourite brothel, The Knackered Whore.
Every restaurant in a 10 miles radius has a 1 star food hygiene rating.
Quote from: bgmnts on January 28, 2023, 01:09:43 PMEvery restaurant in a 10 miles radius has a 1 star food hygiene rating.
They all had 5s before you went in them.
Your dog finds you so dull he prefers to play Fetch by himself. To the extent that he codifies the rules and sells the rights to Sky. Rather than bring a pre-slung stick back to you.
Exiting Poundstretcher in a state of high dudgeon due to the price of clasps.
Sainsbury's fart incident, Chepstow.
Your daughter's gangrenous foot suggests to you that the people on 4chan may not have been trustworthy in their advice on removing a splinter.
The unwelcome renewal of a long-dormant awareness of Gaz Top unsettles a Plymouth layabout.
News of your goitre delights your workplace bully.
Your accumulated spunk heap has amounted to a kind of meringue which you are tempted to eat.
Your senile Nan's twerking gives you an obvious erection, much to the amusement of everybody else in the communal area
You have been in this escape room for 15 hours, now, and they are all still laughing at you.
Quote from: ollyboro on January 29, 2023, 05:24:46 PMYour senile Nan's twerking gives you an obvious erection, much to the amusement of everybody else in the communal area
Cask strength, fair doos
Your AI counsellor is quoting Jordan Peterson at you.
Rinsed like a tea towel over your selection of sandpaper.
You shave your head for a poorly-received Walter White impression and it doesn't grow back.
(It's just you saying "Skylar" and wearing a hat. No one in the room has seen the show but Auntie Cath says it sounds "interesting" and maybe she'll watch it later.)
Your tearful admission to your parents about your heroin addiction doesn't go as planned.
"Your sister's been a drug mule fifteen years straight son, paid for everything in this house. I'll not hear another word against it." Says your mum.
Paedophile's 'only friend' is police officer supervising him (https://www.oxfordmail.co.uk/news/23285850.oxford-paedophile-jailed-child-sex-offences/)
Quote from: Ferris on January 30, 2023, 09:19:26 PMPaedophile's 'only friend' is police officer supervising him (https://www.oxfordmail.co.uk/news/23285850.oxford-paedophile-jailed-child-sex-offences/)
Euphoria
The universe has had enough: all your sentimental attachments are smashed to pieces in front of your eyes, like uncooked pasta stomped in a bucket.
^Chuckle!
Oh fine, diarrhoea on the train with plenty of miserable mugs gawping at me!
Shabba Ranks is digging up your front lawn.
Says there's buried treasure there and to keep out of his way if you know what's good for you.
The local Facebook page is alive with rumours.
Quote from: Captain Poodle Basher on January 31, 2023, 08:46:48 PMShabba Ranks is digging up your front lawn.
Says there's buried treasure there and to keep out of his way if you know what's good for you.
The local Facebook page is alive with rumours.
Anyone know this man? Found him digging up fungus in our garden: when approached he was unrepentant
Your caregiver Regis has his top gum confiscated.
.
Every time I puke up it's cold sick. Why's it cold? Has it not been pre-heated in my body? But isn't it? Isn't it, though?
Your opening 30 seconds goes to nothing again.
Sir, Lidl is not a comedy club.
Your first day as Witchfinder General gets off to a bad start.
First, you were turned into a newt.
Then a toad.
Then a particularly grumpy duck.
And lastly into a species of marsupial that will remain unknown to science for another 150 years.
Yet you didn't find a single witch.
Good luck writing up all those incident reports with those little paws of yours.
If the innkeeper lets you inside the door that is.
Quote from: Fishfinger on February 01, 2023, 03:32:02 AMSir, Lidl is not a comedy club.
And also, this is an aldi
and your material is dogshit
That's not Kendal mint cake you found on the ground and have put in y'gob.
.
Quote from: Fishfinger on January 31, 2023, 01:36:21 PMThe universe has had enough: all your sentimental attachments are smashed to pieces in front of your eyes, like uncooked pasta stomped in a bucket.
Sublime deso.
The saplings you have to plant as part of a "voluntary" work scheme team up, uproot themselves, walk to your house and form the word MORIBUND to really spell it out to you.
A video titled
Dynamyte Headdy: Into The Headdyverse 2 unreleased PS1 Game
turns out to just be a scouser despatching a load of ragworms with a hammer
your only copy of the asetrix books was translated by Brian Massumi and is completley impenetrable
you pirate a copy of a Jacques Ellul audiobook, only to find the narrator has the voice of Deputy Dawg, rendering even his most precisent and insightful points on man and machine quite silly
Every time you open your oven door a recording of Jimmy Carr's shit bellow of a laugh sounds and reverberates in your face.
Surpassed by a bog standard tortoise.
The last word on your mother's headstone is PTO, with your name spelled incorrectly on the other side.
Raymond of Staffordshire's favorite hobby is queueing.
Your odd condition, 'locked-out sydrome' means you must watch what appears to be be you revelling in blissful excelsis, being promoted at work, falling in love, beating off suitors with a stick, scoring the goal in the Champions League final, doing a wanker sign to everyone on Earth from the Moon in your NASA spacesuit, accepting the Nobel Prize for science and enjoying a fantastic packet of crisps. Meanwhile, you, the real you, your conscious self that thinks and feels, is trapped in some temporal cage, the fat hag'o'war sat on your entire existence, paralysed and alone betwixt the freezing, hostile ether.
The cashier at Burger King calls you a "Woke agent of the Establishment".
Tuesday afternoon in a town hall in Truro, where Morris dancing lessons are ruined by a particularly awful guff from Aubrey. It's always Aubrey.
You're chosen to be the face of Spam.
That is to say, you come off your bike face first onto the motorway
Following your appearance in the Here's One For The Ladies section in Razzle Magazine (volume 18, issue 4) the Food Standards Agency issue a public statement condemning your penis as being "not fit for human consumption".
You've recorded every single bowel movement passed as an adult against the Bristol Stool Chart and have a little party now your average is finally under 6.0.
Your stale crackers fetish reaches dangerous proportions as you arrested by a skip behind a Tesco Express in Burnley.
Quote from: ollyboro on February 03, 2023, 10:51:17 PMYou're chosen to be the face of Spam.
Further details uncover this is in relation to a skin graft.
Quote from: Glebe on February 04, 2023, 06:47:45 PMarrested by a skip
The Robocop we deserve, and the one we can afford.
Quote from: shoulders on February 04, 2023, 07:35:42 PMFurther details uncover this is in relation to a skin graft.
Simons Cowell and Weston sue their agents. All the Simons.
Quote from: Fishfinger on February 04, 2023, 08:02:57 PMThe Robocop we deserve, and the one we can afford.
Lovely
Gary Glitter hires Prince Andrew's PR people and mounts a successful comeback, including the 2024 Christmas number one, his cover of the old PC World jingle.
Paul
Your therapist helps you connect the dots and uncover your own crippling alcoholism, concluding with your unpublished comic book character Dr Neck-a-lager.
Your mum's new coffee table book is "how to be right" by James obrien.
(This one is real)
A village fete turns nasty when a dispute breaks out over "tombola tampering".
Quote from: Ferris on February 05, 2023, 12:14:07 AMYour therapist helps you connect the dots and uncover your own crippling alcoholism, concluding with your unpublished comic book character Dr Neck-a-lager.
Thanks for all of your therapeutical insights, Dr Ferris. I'm now cutting down by giving my children a share of my cheap supermarket whisky in their otherwise empty breakfast bowls.
Quote from: Glebe on February 05, 2023, 09:12:16 AMA village fete turns nasty when a dispute breaks out over "tombola tampering".
Lord Summerisle micromanages when he needs to.
Born into an aftermath.
Truth or dare. And that, Your Honour, is how I ended up driving my train on the pavement.
Quote from: T ørs ø on February 06, 2023, 05:41:38 PMThen mashed into an afterbirth.
Tough recipe, great mash.
Nobody cares about your treatise on the supposedly sublime mouthfeel of dog cum.
A stingy portion of gruel is doled into your bowl as you wait for the Bumming Olympics to begin.
Fingerblasting a Labrador so you can use its queefs to dry your hair.
"It's a pain in the arse to be here in your local town community centre."
Sunak's "refreshing honesty" is greeted with cheers and applause here in Surrey.
In an extremely overpriced hallucination a belt sander calls you a twat.
Your family sigil is some bald lepers gathering around a smouldering heap of manure.
John Cleese revives Basil Fawlty for a new series.
You've been away at work and upon your return to your workstation you find that someone else has used your desk and projectile vomited all over it. No fucks given. No apologies. Fucking have that.
Your incompetent senior manager has returned from a course and has taken the "shit sandwich" technique literally and there is a whole plate of sandwiches filled with fecal matter for you and your team for all of your various fuck ups.
Your nan breaks back into her Care Quality Commission condemned nursing home rather than spend another second with you and your "fucking jigsaws".
.
Celestial Brown Sludge
Your GP is agreeable to prescribing the Tramadol you desperately need to manage your agonising back pain but insists that you do a decent impression of Jordan North first.
"No, not good enough. Try again"
Colchester's most maligned nonce is awarded freedom of the city during a ceremony in which a stale, rotten fart smell hangs in the air.
A drunk Robbie Williams takes a shit on the counter of a chip shop in Swindon. Thankfully nobody recognises him.
The guy doing the karaoke in the Brixton boozer you've fell into is glassed in the neck midway through your rendition of Al Jolson's My Mammy.
Following an official inquiry, your sixteen year old son's anal haemorrhage death at an army barracks is put down to "table tennis elbow".
Your attempts to get your parrot to say "You're a cunt" fall on stony ground because he keeps replying with "No, you are."
You are a Southampton fan and Nathan Jones has pumped his fist at you.
Barnstaple circle jerk.
Quote from: Kankurette on February 12, 2023, 06:34:58 PMYou are a Southampton fan and Nathan Jones has pumped his fist at you.
You are a Welsh woman and Nathan Jones has pumped his fist at you.
Quote from: Glebe on February 12, 2023, 06:35:51 PMBarnstaple circle jerk.
Is your Native American spirit name.
Attaining lifetime membership of the Council Club in Balmora.
Your childhood teddy bear turns its head away in disgust.
I'm going to miss you. I remember the first time we met --
Sir, I'm a police officer, not your glass-ridden shattered leg remnants.
Oh foolishness, it's approaching 11am I and I have yet to store the bodies in the freezer. Is that grammatically correct? It just bothers me. Everything bodies me.
I'm not wrong! I'm not wrong!
Thusly dost thou voidest houl.
But you are wrong.
Typos. Hah. You walk to the shops, you buy a wheel of cheese, or - I don't know - a pint of cider. Maybe both. And then you realise, if you threw yourself under a bus not only would you delay elderly passengers by minutes but also your brains would be squashed into what could be described as a cold and meaningless stew.
Scientifically that'd be a small sample.
Thanks though.
Quote from: Fishfinger on February 13, 2023, 11:04:55 AMTypos. Hah. You walk to the shops, you buy a wheel of cheese, or - I don't know - a pint of cider. Maybe both. And then you realise, if you threw yourself under a bus not only would you delay elderly passengers by minutes but also your brains would be squashed into what could be described as a cold and meaningless stew.
Scientifically that'd be a small sample.
Thanks though.
Then you think, wouldn't this be better as a dot?
I don't know, fishing.
.
Your bedtime stories keep you awake. You should probably smother your children.
It's almost like you don't care any more and you have massive hooves.
BANNED from being a Horse of the Apocalypse. The fuck. I guess it's online now guys.
Imagine being anything.
I will fight you.
Brum and Herby join forces to consolidate their buy-to-let property portfolio.
The Bilston flobber is out.
Better make room for another jar of faeces in the cupboard! Cor, it's tough being a nutter!
It's time for your glug of out-of-date milk of magnesia, Clacton.
Bummed in Biggleswade.
A donkey is denied entry into heaven after it is found to have given historic beach rides to Ian Watkins.
Your final days are in a hospice ward next to a verbose superfan who won't shut up about Colin Welland.
You walk in on your dad wanking to the dental torture scene in Marathon Man.
Grenton's banishment from Gold Amusements is extended by a year after he bellows 'I'll piss it out!' and starts urinating on a fruity.
Gail from Coronation Street spits at you near Thurrock.
Your mail order bride is a ruddy flat pack!
Recognizing dad's anus on a billboard in Times Square.
Every aspect of your life is now appended "(feat. Olly Murs)".
Gok Wan calls your feet 'Cankleificent'.
Your Ouija board is stuck on Derek Jameson.
Guess who's back
Back again
Embrace
You found a cress fan club in Taplow.
An anus has been shadowing you for weeks now.
Wild with rage, a drunken Garry Kasparov hammers at the closed door of an Ipswich off license.
The longest you have gone in your life without being called a "mongoloided fuckwit" is 4 years, 8 months and 3 days, which happens to be the precise length of your dad's prison sentence for racially aggravated assault.
Reginald of Thetford is quite fond of rubbing wasabi into his testicles.
Your comedy career stalls when the local newsletter describes you as "the new Jimmy Tarbuck".
Losing an argument with a wasp over the purview of a Presbytery.
Your Burns Night address misfires when the haggis calls you a nonce.
Your imaginary wife gives you a big hug as consolation for her non-existence.
During a poker game in a pub cellar, Paul Gadd wins custody of your children.
This just in: Another of your skin tags has its own skin tag.
There you are, in your underpants, folding cardboard for the bins like an eco-cuck.
Sitting in your boss' office, he fires you and you suddenly shit yourself as the
Brookside theme plays.
Quote from: batwings on February 21, 2023, 08:53:30 PMDuring a poker game in a pub cellar, Paul Gadd wins custody of your children.
Funny
Crushed box of fish fingers on a Leytonstone path.
Quote from: batwings on February 15, 2023, 06:46:46 PMYour mail order bride is a ruddy flat pack!
Your flat pack is a ruddy mail order bride!
And your mail order is a ruddy bride pack flat
Your mail order bride is a 'male' order bride and he doesn't have a six pack!
I have at least two of the afflictions on this page - I'll let you guess which ones
Cathy cackles herself to death watching Mrs Brown's Boys.
A cavity search gone awry at Stansted airport causes overzealous customs officers to repeat the Mỹ Lai massacre in your anus.
Your miasmic existence makes Channel 4's Top 100 Crimes Against Humanity, ranking a place ahead of that woman putting a cat in the bin.
Michael of Hove masters shitting and wanking simultaneously.
Quote from: Glebe on February 23, 2023, 11:29:10 PMMichael of Hove masters shitting and wanking simultaneously.
"I invented the 'Shank', son!"
Quote from: drummersaredeaf on February 23, 2023, 11:47:11 PM"I invented the 'Shank', son!"
'Armitage'* now where I want to look back on these achievements!
*'I'm at an age'.
Alan Shearer farts at you in a newsagent.
Your self-driving car makes an executive decision and brings you to Dignitas.
Quote from: Glebe on February 24, 2023, 09:02:51 AMAlan Shearer farts at you in a newsagent.
Good one! Laughed.
Quote from: madhair60 on February 24, 2023, 03:52:32 PMYour self-driving car makes an executive decision and brings you to Dignitass.
A mining themed strip club
After waking up from hosting a dinner party the night before, you find your Lecruset pot you vaguely remember waxing lyrical about filled to the brim with piss, shit and wank.
To claim the throne of biggest arsehole in Chafford Hundred, you whisk some unwilling lemmings into a deliciously light batter.
Knock-off shampoo brand Alberto Belsen send you a demand for final payment with an underlined passage confirming that non-compliance will result in your bigamy and incest being 'set loose among the chattering classes'.
Sobbing into your own nits.
Successfully sued by a workmanlike paedophile.
Bit of true life deso: Had to go for a number 2 in Reading Services. If there was a bog brush I would have cleaned up the skiddies post flush. It was the pure deso look on the next user's face going in -then promptly going out to the next cubicle.
Boasting to your family about eating pebbles as a stag do forfeit.
Had to use the bog at Reading Services and the bastard in front of me birthed a brown monster then fucked off and left it for the next man to sort.
It was a disgrace.
You and your line manager agree to disagree that your chronic failings can be attributed solely to Jesus coming back and gaslighting you.
You decide to start taking a big brush with you everywhere you go
Quote from: Ferris on February 25, 2023, 02:53:07 PMVacuous banality
Mate. This is an art gallery. See if the WI will take it off your hands.
Carl Linnaeus rejects the study of you in favour of cataloging thistles.
All memory of you now erased when the council remove your grave.
You fail to describe your deficiencies.
You wail about being a pig in a void.
You wear down your neighbour's back door key on scratch cards.
You provide a running commentary over the garden fence as your neighbour felches himself into the earth.
Jill Dando still on your bucket list.
Despite your insistence that you know about tagines, you are just a parasite in a wall.
Double bagging your adult nappy in a shat through hellscape of dogs arseholes.
Wailing uncontrollable grief over your godson's CBE.
Viciously downrating a Teesside crematorium for being underpowered.
Basting your slippery beautiful Belsen bitch
Overheard roaring the names of Nazi death camps and shopped to the police who don't understand that it was "a funny joke... I was doing a funny joke with my friends..."
Discussing what, in the eyes of the law, constitutes "rape" with a drug addict
You get in a fistfight with a campaigner over whether mink deserve it.
Looking at last night's rat bites in the mirror has become the highlight of your day.
You interrupt the B&B owner's explanatory pillow spiel with a snarled bedding request for rats.
Your hairpiece is revealed to be a rat king by a diarrhoea incident
Applying for a job at Threshers by writing "I sometimes work" on a premature death chit and ramming it up an already horrifically over-staffed dead pigeon.
Some fleas on a pig abort their attempted pube escape ladder citing parasitic torpor.
A fly becomes trapped in the final phoneme of a bridge-jumper's prayer and sends itself to hell by making its last buzz a denial of christ
Another fly dies, knowing it will never get to walk around in Geroge Osborne's mashed potato.
A rhinoceros arranges its children in prime poaching formation and then goes to the pub, sick of the bleating.
Deleting a deso post because you're sure it's already been done, even though it was about corkscrewing a Chupa Chup down your urethra, but it felt so familiar, so trad, so obvious. Sigh.
Just as you're about to chide your Uncle Rodney for the misogyny deeply embedded in the phrase "I'd ride that wet slapper" you realise he is referring to Maxine Carr.
Biggleswade nudist disaster.
Quote from: madhair60 on February 26, 2023, 08:58:24 AMYour hairpiece is revealed to be a rat king by a diarrhoea incident
Your best yet.
Quote from: T ørs ø on February 26, 2023, 09:28:06 AMA fly becomes trapped in the final phoneme of a bridge-jumper's prayer and sends itself to hell by making its last buzz a denial of christ
✅
you fall afoul of a tigress
the forest floor takes you
You die on the one day that isn't a good day to die
you slice into your morning canteloupe only to reveal the inner hollow is studded with molars
The consultant rates your chances of surviving to the end of the week as "well minge".
V good
Your attempt at establishing your Sexual Art Terrorism movement fall particularly flat following your failure to bukkake The Mona Lisa being put down to your impotence and lack of taste.
A misleadingly attractive police sketch causes people to be very disappointed by your actual face.
Quote from: Twit 2 on February 25, 2023, 06:22:17 PMYou wail about being a pig in a void.
All that roid but you're still a pig in a void.
Quote from: jenna appleseed on March 01, 2023, 09:01:54 PMAll that roid but you're still a pig in a void.
Pink Floyd consider re-write, do it and buckle under pressure to back track.
The government amends your star sign to Egregious
60 years later, on his death bed, Keith Reid of Procul Harum finally lets on what A Whiter Shade of Pale is about. It's about what a jerk you are.
Your birth is downgraded to a 'soft launch' due to lack of interest
Quote from: Cuellar on March 02, 2023, 02:22:03 PMYour birth is downgraded to a 'soft launch' due to lack of interest
Good one
👍
Keith of Magaluf is a right c*nt.
Stamgast at a witan of Ruthenian pig rapists.
Your only companion is a greasy cat.
A Maris Piper becomes wedged up your anus.
Aslan grooming gangs
Asda Broom in Glans
Your Candice Bergen cosplay triggers violence in Thetford.
You are disincentivised from warning pedestrians of an oncoming combine harvester by your oath of silence.
The only birthday card you receive—from farmfoods—is found to have asbestos and condemned by the council.
^very good
Your arsehole is lost on a game of Foxy Bingo.
Your award for running the length of Skegness is a lifetime's supply of All-Bran.
Your rectal catacombs fails its emissions test.
In a landmark ruling they bring back the death penalty as a one off 'now we've met you'.
A Pot Noodle denigrates you in Denby.
You lose all bladder and bowel control, and drop your tray of McNuggets.
Wandering around Piccadilly Circus dressed as a clown. "There's no business like show business!"
Ælfric of Mercia dies without ever really being HD ready.
Craig of the Bahamas is fond of ball sweat.
Quote from: buttgammon on March 08, 2023, 11:02:19 AMÆlfric of Mercia dies without ever really being HD ready.
Nice one
Fred West when pushed excuses his behaviour because he is 'not where I want to be at the moment pushing forward to Q2'.
Dave Gorman dissects your life via a series of slides while all around is a wall of laughter.
Hugh Fearnley-Whittingstall's new 12 part series All About Cabbage
The entire village of Glencoe has to be closed for 24 hours following a horendous 'haggis diarrhoea' incident.
Quote from: shoulders on March 07, 2023, 12:15:07 PMIn a landmark ruling they bring back the death penalty as a one off 'now we've met you'.
laughed
Quote from: pancreas on March 06, 2023, 10:18:25 AMThe only birthday card you receive—from farmfoods—is found to have asbestos and condemned by the council.
Laughed
Your dentist is reminded to buy some soy sauce as he gazes at your war-torn grill.
Derbyshire is littered with soiled underpants thanks to a madman named Porvis.
You are removed to a Black Site run on behalf of the CIA by Farm Foods.
A labrador deathrattles in your votive cum shroud
Desperately shunting the desiccated remains of your shrivelled penis into a cardboard cutout of Craig Revel Horwood.
Yelling No pasaran! to a devious turkey.
A charity cold caller rings back two minutes later to say they don't want your generous donation as "your voice is extremely ugly".
The Wire is distinctly unimpressed by your free jazz trio and begins to campaign for your removal from society.
A giant genital crab takes a hold during an important family gathering, you try to withdraw but rebound and boing all the way Dover screaming "ME SHORT AND CURLIES ARE STINGING!"
Speed dating feedback: "all the charisma of Microsoft Sam".
The Netflix menu makes a disapproving noise when you select a romcom from 2004.
Quote from: Glebe on March 11, 2023, 11:53:05 AMThe Netflix menu makes a disapproving noise when you select a romcom from 2004.
A fanfare blasts when instead you pick a Wayans Bros film.
Slashed to all fuck and chained to the side of a mountain for your horrific rendition of the national anthem on the Cor Anglais, you are but one peck away from death, and yet the vultures won't touch you.
Your blind date is a Cenobite.
Dennis Thatcher fancy dress proves prize-winning in Ludlow.
You discover that your wife has been imagining you.
Quote from: batwings on March 15, 2023, 03:09:35 PMYou discover that your wife has been imagining you.
V good
Your dream trip to New York is cancelled in favour of two week in a miserable Midlands factory.
Even Benjamin Netanyahu and Silvio Berlusconi shudder to think of the immorality of what you've done.
You are given a large amount of workahol
Park warden at your Great Aunt's tummy time.
The wretched, unbearable stench of your dad's diabetes foot drives you to push Twix after Twix into his grateful maw, praying for a fourth and final stroke.
Bit much that
Jilted by a principled gnat
8 seasons commissioned on Amazon Prime instantly after your pitch for show 'Basic Cunts On the Loose'
Against your express wishes, your father informs the local paedophiles of your "tight little arsehole".
Quote from: Glebe on March 09, 2023, 09:44:06 PMDerbyshire is littered with soiled underpants thanks to a madman named Porvis.
Porvis = excellent
The anime girl statue cum removal service returns your anime girl statue without a single drop of cum removed. An enclosed compliments slip reads "too much cum".
Rescued under a mound of old copies of PC Format, then reburied after a full identity check is carried out.
the tumour they discovered during your mother's hysterectomy wasn't benign
Outsprinted to the final cyanide capsule by a Klaxons groupie with locked-in syndrome.
Staying in-in to practise being abused by your Father to please him at the next NAMBLA barndance.
Trawling 3 branches of Decathlon to find a dog urn for the remains of your mother's reversed over poodle.
Rogered by a mountie in Banff.
PORVIS
Your desolation is so shit you edit it out.
"Such a wonderfully practical edifice!" beams Richard Dawkins cheerily as he strides by a dank Victorian workhouse in Sheffield.
Quote from: madhair60 on March 20, 2023, 03:23:50 PMYour desolation is so shit you edit it out.
I can beat that - I read a post earlier and chuckled at it, checked the avatar to see who wrote it and realized it was me.
Absolutely pathetic.
And yet you thought to tell us that story.
Die cunt.
u mad?
Your synthetic dog shit is downrated by the dog shit equivalent of Jay Rayner for its overuse of carotenoid esters.
There's a bad stink going round at a Birds of a Feather fan convention in Taplow.
Boiled sausage in a slice of own-brand white as a makeshift hotdog.
The man at the garden centre convinces your dad those flowers are called "perineums".
Rainy? Cold? Tuesday? January? Here in Shitsford?
Quote from: Glebe on March 21, 2023, 03:53:30 PMThere's a bad stink going round at a Birds of a Feather fan convention in Taplow.
Powerful
Pauline Quirke and Linda Robson flogging pirated Birds of a Feather VHS tapes at a car boot sale.
Huawei autocorrect software negs you from the void
Genghis Khan Reenactment Society, Dulwich. Bring macs and mops.
Quote from: madhair60 on March 20, 2023, 03:23:50 PMYour desolation is so shit you edit it out.
You also ask the site moderator to delete your entire posting history of decades and replace each post with the text 'I was a paedo'. You continue paying the moderator a healthy £35 a month and tell him to 'keep up the good work'.
Leamington Spa is requisitioned for the day by a new organisation called 'Stamp Out Trans!' Fun and games are had by all, with a surprise appearance by Nigel Farage and his singing leprechauns.
Bestialising your way to Biggest Satan
Getting the Queen Consort in a headlock because 'her fascism is insincere'.
In Stevenage a child is born this day.
Please, a child has been born in Stevenage.
You decide to install a Ringo door bell. Exitedly testing it, your app tells you a complete cunt is at the door.
Quote from: dex on March 24, 2023, 02:44:14 PMYou decide to install a Ringo door bell. Exitedly testing it, your app tells you PEACE AND LOVE, PEACE AND LOVE
Quote from: dex on March 24, 2023, 02:44:14 PMYou decide to install a Ringo door bell. Exitedly testing it, your app tells you a complete cunt is at the door.
"I am asking you, with PEACE and LOVE to stop ringing the doorbell!"
Porvis is back, this time mangling carrots and filling people's wellies with minestrone soup.
Fucking porvis
Amazing stuff whoever thought of that
The music of rita ora plays at the end of a dark tunnel
Quote from: Glebe on March 24, 2023, 08:57:10 PMPorvis is back, this time mangling carrots and filling people's wellies with minestrone soup.
Staring at your mangled Ringo doorbell apparatus that you smashed up in a fit of rage, it dawns on you that the app was in fact correct. The complete cunt at the door was indeed Porvis.
Arriving home only to find Porvis all up in your leathers.
Laying waste to a Welsh village with your howling beef shits
A xerox of your Boglin cuck face is used to display Aldershot Cunt of The Year.
You go to the nursery to collect your son only to be told: 'Someone else must of taken him, mate. You'll have to have this one.' Porvis.
Here Lies [your name].
"A Chode To The End."
Being force fed uncooked baked beans by a loud YouTuber with a mid-Atlantic accent in Dubai, all in the name of entertainment. You're famous for this, nobody remembers the Nobel Prize.
Quote from: buttgammon on March 25, 2023, 06:09:29 PMBeing force fed uncooked baked beans by a loud YouTuber with a mid-Atlantic accent in Dubai, all in the name of entertainment. You're famous for this, nobody remembers the Nobel Prize.
Off camera, Porvis spools through his ill gotten readies
You apply for the official designation of Slattern but are refused.
Reason: insufficient privileges
You're far too unappealing for inclusion in your own sexual fantasies.
Your cock's meagre fuck to piss ratio has brought great shame upon your village.
A damaged sapper talks with a dead-eyed Babestation model about his dog's worming regimen then clumsily blurts out a proposal. Knocked back and £25 quid poorer, he crosses her name off the list then writes down the number for the next one.
While out for an expensive birthday meal, you hear coming from the kitchen the unmistakeable sound of Porvis in his vinegar strokes.
Quote from: batwings on March 26, 2023, 11:20:14 AMA damaged sapper talks with a dead-eyed Babestation model about his dog's worming regimen then clumsily blurts out a proposal. Knocked back and £25 quid poorer, he crosses her name off the list then writes down the number for the next one.
Lovely deso.
Stoke Newington is turned over to a bunch of bastards for the weekend, anything goes including stuffing budgerigars up drainpipes.
Porn guilt wracks your nerves as your privileged lifestyle comes to a crashing halt during what can only be described as a quadruple-whammy life crisis.
U ok gleb
Cant be bothered to avoid the dog turds on the way to work
You gladly accept the masseuse's offer of a "happy ending". She puts an abattoir bolt gun to your temple and pulls the trigger.
Quote from: Huxleys Babkins on March 28, 2023, 02:32:02 PMYou gladly accept the masseuse's offer of a "happy ending". She puts an abattoir bolt gun to your temple and pulls the trigger.
RIP euphoria
Watching Turner & Hooch and getting an erection over Tom Hanks raging at Hooch after smashing up his house.
Your Granville costume is deemed obscene by the local coffee morning people.
You describe the dilemma of choosing between telling your daughter a bedtime story and watching 101 Goals Screamers on a digital channel called Dominion Britannia as 'a decision poised on a psychological rubicon'.
Being on the receiving end of an aggressive facial from Mr Hahn of Linkin Park fame.
Banned from all worldwide chains of Ramada Porvis for 'un-Porvis-like behaviour'.
Gavin of Stretham finds peanuts "arousing".
Someone starts a thread in General Bullshit titled Suella Braverman Has Died, but it's not true.
Quote from: Vodkafone on March 31, 2023, 08:13:23 AMSomeone starts a thread in General Bullshit titled Suella Braverman Has Died, but it's not true.
We're all sent to the death camps regardless.
you leave the poker machine £30 down after deducing it's on free play
Your excitement at trying out the new high street restaurant dissipates as you notice the term 'Frey Bentos' throughout the menu.
You wonder why the menu is made out of tin and why the 'restaurant' makes a sort of rustling plastic noise when you move.
You collect a delicious takeaway from the hot new restaurant in town but when you get home and open the bag it's just a load of congealed rat pus with a boiled egg on top.
Keith Richards announces that from now on he is to be referred to as ChemToi
Ex wife know as Chem's Ex
Richard Hammond is your new FB friend suggestion.
Leaning in to say "come on mum, die" because you feel she's taking up the bed.
Fully shat myself in Blaenau Ffestiniog
Your pinhole phimosis bragging rights are smashed by a colleague boasting of microscopic piss streams.
Shoed out of an apartment by an irritated maid who keeps belting out gibberish and calling you 'Blobby-san'.
A nice lamb lunch with the Crossbow Cannibal.
A grunting halfwit gains superiority over your marriage
The local meat delivery service is run by a pig.
MARGARET TO CHECKOUTS YOU FAT CUNT
You as Tarzan and Lauren harries as Jane living in the wilds up some Welsh mountain. The pair of us/you achieve some media interest and of the back of that you release a cover of that song by Peter Wyngarde. You get arrested.
You hold in a poo for ages to see if it will "wank off your prostate". It doesn't.
You complain to Greggs about the lack of trolleys making it hard to do your weekly shop.
Loosing a fistfight with a vicar over the christening if your daughter, Smengoloin
You have to beat Adam Peaty in the 100m breaststroke to preserve the life of your only child.
Quote from: Vodkafone on April 07, 2023, 09:37:04 PMYou have to beat Adam Peaty in the 100m breaststroke to preserve the life of your only child.
Adam Peaty dies 5 seconds into the trial but his body floats into the finish line and you still lose.
Quote from: Vodkafone on April 07, 2023, 12:11:16 PMYou complain to Greggs about the lack of trolleys making it hard to do your weekly shop.
This is good. I reckon you could end that at trolleys for even more impact.
Pelted with drive pebbles and disbarred because you refuse to cosplay as Uncle Festa.
You long for a chance at cabin fever.
Your wife is distracted by the real love of her life—Phillip Schofield—and hoovers up the daddy long-legs you made out of her pubes for her 16th birthday.
Shovelling up prills of shit with a quaver to placate a local dachshund.
Quote from: Ferris on April 07, 2023, 11:25:01 PMYou long for a chance at cabin fever.
Rather than this danm stabbin fever which has haunted you all through this, your first proper family holiday with new child
Quote from: pancreas on April 08, 2023, 03:22:33 AMYour wife is distracted by the real love of her life—Phillip Schofield—and hoovers up the daddy long-legs you made out of her pubes for her 16th birthday.
☑️
A loud, stinking fart during a performance of a Mike and the Mechanics tribute act in Barnsley's least-popular drinking shed.
The sign for the motorway exit announces "FUCKIN STATE OF YOU"
Craig David names you as his successor.
Quote from: Ferris on April 08, 2023, 11:06:56 PMCraig David names you as his successor.
"Do I get the first or last name?"
"Both."
Quote from: Pink Gregory on April 08, 2023, 11:12:24 PM"Do I get the first or last name?"
"Both."
"Can you fill me in?"
You buy a pack of Love Hearts, which all turn out to be blank.
A pointless morning erection kicks off Easter Sunday for a 52 year old Exeter virgin.
Winning a legal battle allowing you to buy the Taliban an SUV.
Quote from: shoulders on April 09, 2023, 10:01:49 AMWinning a legal battle allowing you to buy the Taliban an SUV.
it comes back with a note, "inshallah to be honest, mate, if it's not a Hilux we're not really interested. Thanks for thinking of us though! Have a good one, TB"
Having not opted out of being an organ donor, your eyes are transplanted into the head of a nonce and all sorts of nastiness is overseen with them.
Exclaiming "OH NO!" when you see that Ladbrokes is closed at 9.05am on a wet Tuesday morning.
A court ruling finds that you are, in law, a Benny tied to a tree.
David Davies boils an egg, badly.
Arrested for repeatedly mooning funeral cortèges, your legal defence fund raises a grand total of 50p, from Lawrence Fox.
Outed as the bass player from Alien Ant Farm.
Going to give em a re listen now
You're out the psychobilly band
A carnival little person sets fire to your detachment of tarantasses.
Bring Your Dildo to Work Day. The boss shows off by bringing a double pronged girther.
What do you mean that would be a fun day right
Quote from: PlanktonSideburns on April 13, 2023, 03:34:22 PMWhat do you mean that would be a fun day right
What if you didn't have one and had to just buy a cucumber from Tesco Express on the way in?
Yea fair, hadn't imagined that bit yet
a resented aunt pronounces it 'billy porch' in a dusty old Havisham screech
Paedo cremated to the strains of Bitch by Meredith Brooks
'Sass on that paedo was blinding' remarks one pew dweller.
Porvis confronts you at Meadowhall Shopping Centre.
'It is well to remember who holds the purse strings'.
Porvis leaves.
You are diagnosed with 'Porvis of the bladder'
A group of teens judge you to be 'pelmet tier'
Your Sunday is to be spent licking the gloss off the skirting boards
Your collection of cum is destroyed by a blind steeplejack who wears shin pads when grocery shopping.
Your anus and the overall anal experience is categorised as 'plain' on 13 different dogging sites.
Confessing your porn guilt during a local coffee morning.
Quote from: Glebe on April 16, 2023, 11:16:18 AMConfessing your porn guilt during a local coffee morning.
Then getting off to the memories of people spitting their coffee in shock and disgust at you.
Quote from: dex on April 16, 2023, 02:22:58 PMThen getting off to the memories of people spitting their coffee in shock and disgust at you.
A new level of depravity.
You are caught changing all the numerals on your clock to 'WANK'
You have unofficially become known as the 'Wanking Hermit' among the local community and even further afield, allegedly as far as Troon.
You find yourself messaging your street WhatsApp group with any1 wanna get cunted? at 2 pm on a Tuesday
Your first son opens his mouth to say his first words
A sound like every one of Satan's Angels on a stag do comes out
The cat is now dead
Eight part Netflix series on how the catchphrase sound was made
The carvery gravy dispenser looks you in the eye
I had hopes once
We can just laugh the Syphilis off now. It came from her dead grandfathers WW1 bayonet.
"He really loved crisps"
"What?!"
"Don't look at me, it says here."
Gavin's funeral is going as anticipated.
Clippy appears in your dreams to ask if you want to delete your son, otherwise your son will remain in Recycle Bin for the next 30 days before being automatically deleted.
Leafleting in North Somerset
Quote from: PlanktonSideburns on April 17, 2023, 09:57:44 PMYour first son opens his mouth to say his first words
A sound like every one of Satan's Angels on a stag do comes out
The cat is now dead
Strong work
A glum pegging session from Brian next door, £70 poorly spent.
The date is going well, then you gently broach the subject of ameobic dysentery
A professional Johnny Vaughan lookalike tells you to get a life.
Your wedding vows are mistaken for a terrorist manifesto.
The only comments on your Minipops S01E01 reaction video are two American wronguns arguing about Islam.
You have a response from the local council to your complaint that one of their staff called you a 'prick'. The complaint is partly upheld: they should have called you a 'leprous piss-weasel'.
Your collagen labia puffing operation goes ahead $8,000 later despite the surgeon freely admitting you don't have one.
So lonely you cheerily welcome a knife wielding burglar and invite him to take 'whatever, within reason'.
Your Kinder Egg contains instructions on how to off yourself with paracetamol. When you complain, they point out that it is 'technically a surprise'.
Bleeding out to Saved By The Bell (Main Title)
Tesco open a chain of pubs "focusing on the value-conscious consumer".
Quote from: Ferris on April 20, 2023, 09:45:08 PMTesco open a chain of pubs "focusing on the value-conscious consumer".
Pull a tinny from a plastic slab of lagers and hold up your clubcard at the self service bartop for 25p off.
You meet David Gower in a restaurant toilet where he pisses on your shoes.
Quote from: shoulders on April 19, 2023, 08:20:23 PMYour collagen labia puffing operation goes ahead $8,000 later despite the surgeon freely admitting you don't have one.
"That's not REAL phimosis!" bellow the others as you get given the bum's rush out of a phimosis support group.
Quote from: Glebe on April 21, 2023, 09:41:58 AMYou meet David Gower in a restaurant toilet where he pisses on your shoes.
laughed.
Quote from: dex on April 21, 2023, 10:23:52 AMlaughed.
Tnx dex!
You dress up as a bumblebee for your nephew's birthday but as soon as you arrive all the kids scream and you are sent away in shame.
A balloon magician's obituary ends with the phrase "before turning the gun on himself".
Quote from: Ferris on April 22, 2023, 03:08:43 PMA balloon magician's obituary ends with the phrase "before turning the gun on himself".
Balloon gun, I hope. Or is that stating the obvious?
Your high score on Divorce is beaten by
D. G O W E R.
18361737
You revive the Luddite movement to "detsroy" sybians and other more recent, superior sex machines.
You scoop up cum like the Tin Man in the wizard of Oz, always losing the exact amount of cum you simultaneously collect.
You've stopped counting your skin tags.
You wash your cold Greggs pasty down with some warm Scrumpy Jack and spent the rest of the afternoon vomiting in between lawn bowling highlights from Dudgeness on BBC2.
John Wayne commits a terrible faux pas when he tells a vegan to get off his horse.
Somehow Porvis has got in and he's eaten all your underwear.
Porvis offers you a tumble dryer, warning 'something is in there'
V good
Your told if your ague doesn't leave you by October you will be taken to see Mr Sparkle, and that will sort it out 'one way or the other '
"Aren't you glad you came out for a Tuesday afternoon pint with me?" mumbles Porvis, picking a dead fly off his crumbling pasty. An old man sobs at the bar. The landlord sighs.
Steve Hoffman forum does a communal hatewatch of the waveform of the latest Metallica album
Go Now by the moody blues on hand if anyone gets a bit to carried away
A local authority reluctantly decriminalises Martin Gould on the basis that he's 'good for the night time economy'.
Maimed by a toffee apple at the NAMBLA fireworks display.
A human trafficker rejects a 1985 Albanian because 'it hasn't been cellared at the correct temperature'.
Your depravity levels reach a new low with an attempt to shove an out-of-date sausage roll up your arse whilst tossing over a lingerie catalogue from 1996.
Calling into work sick with 'wankers cramp'.
Quote from: shoulders on April 25, 2023, 12:42:24 PMCalling into work sick with 'wankers cramp'.
"You had that last week."
"Okay then... arse pain?"
To fight against the extension of the congestion charge zone you remind Barnet residents that 'rape as a weapon of war' maybe ugly but it gets results.
Quote from: shoulders on April 25, 2023, 12:50:45 PMTo fight against the extension of the congestion charge zone you remind Barnet residents that 'rape as a weapon of war' maybe ugly but it gets results.
Laughed. Involuntarily. Then felt bad.
No charities or PR companies or people wish to be part of your exciting new project Tough Sharter™
Quote from: shoulders on April 24, 2023, 09:07:12 PMMaimed by a toffee apple at the NAMBLA fireworks display.
Laughed
A real one: a nice but awkward fella leaves the labels on his jeans and only realizes after his 30 minute presentation.
I see him notice when he sits down, but because they're the big "down the leg" sellotape type ones, he leaves them on for the remaining 30 minutes of the meeting because the noise of removal might attract attention. Doesn't matter at this point mate.
Desolation.
Quote from: Glebe on April 25, 2023, 12:15:45 PMYour depravity levels reach a new low with an attempt to shove an out-of-date sausage roll up your arse whilst tossing over a lingerie catalogue from 1996.
How old is the sausage roll?
Quote from: drummersaredeaf on April 25, 2023, 02:12:51 PMHow old is the sausage roll?
Are you worried Glebe has been spying on you?
Quote from: pancreas on April 25, 2023, 02:54:00 PMAre you worried Glebe has been spying on you?
I was merely trying to work out where the desolation was in his post. 1996 was a vintage year.
Sos roll was 02/02/12.
The star prize at a Langport pub's Bullseye night is a shaved otter corpse suspended in a fish tank full of aspic.
Another iron ruined because it doesn't have a low enough setting to get the creases out of your meticulously washed condoms without melting them.
Roger congratulates himself on how witty his sexual harassment has become.
Very very good
The gig is up for your new business offering a cunnilingus alternative to palmistry as you correctly predict six miscarriages but get blamed for five of them.
While nifty in concept, your hat fashioned from a frosties box becomes the subject of belittlement around town.
Quote from: Ferris on April 26, 2023, 01:43:12 PMWhile nifty in concept, your hat fashioned from a frosties box becomes the subject of belittlement around town.
When a newcomer arrives from Aldershot sporting an Alpen box Panama, you resolve to settle the conflict with lethal force.
"I'm not made of cum!!", Ian howls at his partner.
Quote from: shoulders on April 16, 2023, 11:03:42 AMYour anus and the overall anal experience is categorised as 'plain' on 13 different dogging sites.
Plainus
Scouting all Nantwich's car parks for Plainus
An ex Para who mostly posts praise for Robert Kilroy-Silk on Twitter gleefully exposes himself to all and sundry at Fleet services.
You saw a poster for "Jo Whiley's 90s Anthems" at the Tramshed in Cardiff and considered going
Fuckin tramshed man
.
your father with tears in his eyes and a lump in his throat slowly disappears upstairs at midnight on the anniversary of his wifes death for a naughty grief wank
In your old room
In your new room
It blasts through your old room wall, showering your new room with gypsum and spunk
Miraculously, the gelatinised alabaster shards form the shape of the face of a currently non disgraced Windsor, so you must sleep on the sofa until someone from the daily mirror arrives
The dog shits in your best Fat Face loafers.
Your career in advertising somehow leads to you approving a final draft of the lengthy but entirely fictional backstory of Frankie & Benny's (https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Frankie_%26_Benny%27s#Theme).
Quote from: Ferris on April 30, 2023, 12:17:59 PMYour career in advertising somehow leads to you approving a final draft of the lengthy but entirely fictional backstory of Frankie & Benny's (https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Frankie_%26_Benny%27s#Theme).
But there real origin story is so romantic!
Quote from: Ferris on April 30, 2023, 12:17:59 PMYour career in fine art and illustration somehow leads to you approving a final draft this logo(https://www.trgplc.com/wp-content/themes/redballoon/images/trg-logo-22.png)
You're legally declared a useless twat by the high court and the court of appeal are not interested.
Quote from: Huxleys Babkins on April 30, 2023, 04:28:25 PMYou're legally declared a useless twat by the high court and the court of appeal are not interested.
They tell you that in this instance, just successfully filing an appeal would win your case
You never quite manage to get round to doing it though, do you, twat
Your defense council eventually agrees with the prosecution, describing your personality as "inedible arse-chocolate".
.
Oh wait, the *milk* goes in the microwave?
Your severed head bounces down the train station stairs that stink of piss. With few options, you roll your eyes.
Mouldy leftovers at the annual Tring incest ball.
Quote from: Ferris on April 30, 2023, 12:17:59 PMYour career in advertising somehow leads to you approving a final draft of the lengthy but entirely fictional backstory of Frankie & Benny's (https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Frankie_%26_Benny%27s#Theme).
You realize the restaurant chain has been on the rocks for several years and has relaunched as "Frankie's" which
completely ruins the backstory you so lovingly put together.
Quote from: Ferris on April 30, 2023, 05:32:53 PMYou realize the restaurant chain has been on the rocks for several years and has relaunched as "Frankie's" which completely ruins the backstory you so lovingly put together.
This is their official theme tune:
Quote from: Glebe on April 30, 2023, 05:03:50 PMMouldy leftovers at the annual Tring incest ball.
Thats no way to refer to your aunt, son
You win the "Tattiest Ring" award at the Ilford Bunghole Symposium.
The prize in your crisp packet is some malware.
A guy onstage doing a turn called Wanks of the World.
"This wank is from Polynesia!"
A man known locally as 'The Bantry Latrine' has a sudden bout of ennui as he gurgles into a sluiceway.
Doris suffers 147 simultaneous mini-strokes while being overly-excited by a break by Shaun Murphy at the Crucible. Despite Dennis Taylor exclaiming 'That'll do nicely', the break ends on a missed yellow at 37 as she's bundled into an ambulance.
Jess from Crawley gets a Nintendo Switch jammed up his anus.
Your failed attempt to commit suicide by ramming an electric whisk up your arse during the recording of your hosting night on Come Dine With Me is broadcast in its entirety by Channel 4, but doesn't make the cut for Channel 5's Top 10000 Memorable Cookery Show Moments.
(So you don't win the £35 cash prize)
Dunstable is home to Tony Pendon and his enormous collection of grot mags.
Quote from: Principal Kohoutek on May 01, 2023, 04:14:54 PMDoris suffers 147 simultaneous mini-strokes while being overly-excited by a break by Shaun Murphy at the Crucible. Despite Dennis Taylor exclaiming 'That'll do nicely', the break ends on a missed yellow at 37 as she's bundled into an ambulance.
Good one
The village headcase bequeaths you his disused garden allotment; but only on completion of a series of deranged tasks revolving around a three-legged spaniel called Gerry.
One of your duties as a trainee chef to James Martin is to shield his meringues from the abundant globular detonation triggered by the smell of his own foie-gras farts.
You reincarnate as a dog named Flatus.
The inhabitants of Exmouth are furiously supping on mercury deposits.
A Twitter account mainly used for crypto promotion, Musk bootlicking and snark at Elon's critics completes its 100,000 post. The person behind it spends 10 hours a day on tweeting, including planning posts and daydreaming about Musk.
You are ignored by the entire Everton team, except Jordan Pickford, who uses your leg as a scratching post until Sean Dyche sprays him.
Amazing
Divorced dad putting tins of Grolsch 0.0% in the kids' lunchboxes.
"Would you give it a rest? They were taking up room in the fridge and I wasn't gonna drink 'em."
Watching Only Fools and Horses you wife tells you that you look like Uncle Albert, act like Micky Pearce and dance like Rodney.
Quote from: Fambo Number Mive on May 03, 2023, 04:08:07 PMWatching Only Fools and Horses you wife tells you that you look like Uncle Albert, act like Micky Pearce and dance like Rodney.
Made me chuckle
You're the only guest at your suprise birthday party.
Quote from: Ferris on May 03, 2023, 03:51:45 PMDivorced dad putting tins of Grolsch 0.0% in the kids' lunchboxes.
"Would you give it a rest? They were taking up room in the fridge and I wasn't gonna drink 'em."
Thought you were still married mate.
A sexist car alarm that sets itself off when women walk past in an attempt to wolf whistle at them.
Quote from: Vodkafone on May 03, 2023, 10:21:42 PMThought you were still married mate.
Matter of time
You win a thoracic thrombosis at a local tombola.
You are the joint winner of a meal for two at a gastropub, and the other winner is Liz Truss.
They discover a previously unknown Prince song about how your head looks like a granary bap.
Berating Uncle Porvis for hogging bleeding on the family netball.
Your usual mental substrata, the constant 'Set fire to children' compulsion, is mildly alleviated by pushing a duck into some gas.
Forcing Barry to pupate because it shrinks tax liability.
Quote from: shoulders on May 04, 2023, 02:26:21 PMYour usual mental substrata, the constant 'Set fire to children' compulsion, is mildly alleviated by pushing a duck into some gas.
Laughed.
It is your turn, your turn on the licking metal. It's your turn, you insist.
You are warned again - this time formally - to cease referring to the mortuary cadavers as colleagues.
A mishearing of angiogram leads to a drug dealing conviction for your poorly Auntie. Later that week the same thing happens to your Geordie mother.
In response to your time with them, St John Ambulance has instituted a no edging at work policy.
you decide that it's time to pursue getting a tattoo of a rope noose around the base of your penis
you suspect that the issue of your anus rejecting suppositories is down to snobbery
Malcolm of Dover has the world's largest collection of English flags. They're still hanging all over his garden, even though he is currently serving ten years for molestation.
You are playing 'mum and dad fighting' with two of her recent tampons.
Posting again.
After lending your Gameboy to your mum you get it back and find your Pokedex is full of Cummies.
A Joss Ackland soundalike club realise they have been wasting their lives during a get together at Bolton's worse wine bar.
Roger Daltrey taking a shit in a Bush near Barrow-in-Furnace.
.
Having run out of tissues, you use your childhood Sooty puppet for your latest wank. The look on Sooty's eyes as he suffers this indignity.
You repaint all your Space Marine figures, and your Rhino tank, in royal blue in honot of the coronation. Then during the ceremony you parade them in front of the TV while getting an erection thinking how the Space Marines would have dealt with anti monarchist protestors.
You travel to the Basingstoke branch for a Coronation themed fancy dress party, choosing to go as Prince Andrew. And you aren't the only one.
After having a classic poo, you reflect on how unsatisfying future bowel movements will seem from now on.
You sell advertising space on your foreskin, but realise after getting it tattoed that the only taker was joking.
A Wesleydale dole queue is enlivened by a desperate nutter keen to sully the virtues of this illustrious post office.
Quote from: shoulders on May 05, 2023, 08:08:29 AMYou are warned again - this time formally - to cease referring to the mortuary cadavers as colleagues.
✅
You spend bank holidays demanding to be able to use commemorative coins to pay for petrol.
On a whim, you decide to close your eyes and pick a place on Google maps for your next weekend away. You land on Basildon.
Coffee morning, Taplow Retired Sewer Workers Centre. The conversation turns to dysentery.
Your patent for an inner arse hair comb is refused because "system says here your a paedo"
Quote from: Vodkafone on May 04, 2023, 12:42:24 PMThey discover a previously unknown Prince song about how your head looks like a granary bap.
This got a laugh on 2nd reading.
. fuck it
While playing Scrabble with your six-year-old cousin, you change the word 'gin' to 'munging' in order to get a triple word score, and then have to explain what it means.
You are treated as luggage by flight handling crew even after several efforts at direct verbal communication.
Boz's ice cream van with Game of Thrones jingle doesn't attract any customers so he ups the ante and start murdering and raping people.
Richard Digance gives off such an intense air of menace inside the lift you're sharing that you piss your trousers.
Elton John has written a song for your funeral titled "Rejoice! The cunt is finally dead!". Massive pre-sales reported among friends and family.
An actor researching the role of a 'gormless twat' wants to follow you around for a week.
A local Ace of Bass tribute act hold their debut gig in an abattoir.
Activision pull your videogame 'Japs on the loose' at Beta stage due to "largely budgetary reasons", promising to revisit the project in Q3 2025.
Quote from: pancreas on May 09, 2023, 12:06:34 AM✅
Because they were formerly colleagues.
The investigation continues.
Quote from: Glebe on May 11, 2023, 06:03:35 PMA local Ace of Bass tribute act hold their debut gig in an abattoir.
Desolicious.
Even the village paedo shuns you, for while he is one of many village paedos you are the only grot fondler.
You accidentally close the internet grot you were beating to at the moment of climax, leading to you finishing to a Wikipedia article on the Peasents'Revolt.
Roger McGough reads some disappointing drivel to a small batch of disinterested pre-schoolers.
Quote from: Glebe on May 14, 2023, 08:00:07 PMRoger McGough reads some disappointing drivel to a small batch of disinterested pre-schoolers.
Good
Porvis discovers a half-eaten cheese butty down the back of the sideboard. It's been there five years.
Your Tinder profile describes you as "all nits and tits".
Bernard of Thurrock owns England's largest selection of bum bags.
Your galley slave Semenwise believes gametes cure scurvy.
Rotten apple consumed by a fairground numpty.
David Dickinson sneers openly at your Jimmy Nail memorabilia.
Quote from: ollyboro on May 15, 2023, 08:43:07 PMDavid Dickinson sneers openly at your Jimmy Nail memorabilia.
I like this.
That's Dickinson all over.
Quote from: Glebe on May 15, 2023, 10:25:55 PMThat's Dickinson all over.
Fortunately he was related to the investigating officer and they got a dog in to clean it all up. Whoops, I was thinking of another crime.
Middle-aged paperboy
Quote from: Bartholomew J Krishna on May 16, 2023, 12:08:12 PMMiddle-aged paperboy
Great Post, would also be a good band name
Trapping and distilling your aunts posthumous vapours and skin then treating it méthode champenoise to produce an effervescent toasty celebration wine with fragrant bouquet of blue tac and dog cum with a mouthfeel of white phosphorus.
Weatherspoons overflowing toilet.
Quote from: Bartholomew J Krishna on May 16, 2023, 12:08:12 PMMiddle-aged paperboy
We had an elderly paperboy called Roy. Quiet dignity.
You've been at a psychic fair and the word of the day was undoubtedly 'polyp'
You get married in the function room of a Toby Carvery, where you also held your stag night. The best man still has roast potato all over his forehead.
Shunned by the local nonce assembly because you're 'a mum wiper'.
Gloucester is going to be packed tonight, it's the annual arse-sniffers convention!
Bill Maynard is reincarnated as your new landlord, a surly fellow who's breath stinks.
Terry won't fart down your gastric balloon no matter how hard you suck his son off.
And Lampard isn't much better.
Professor Oak found with images of underage Pokémon on his laptop, claims they're for 'research purposes'.
Your nickname is 'bag for life' because you've been used again and again and again.
Your hand knit pube scarf is used, against your wishes, to staunch the outflow of a fellow paedophile's rectal lesions.
Co. Tyrone is turned into a massive 'felching centre' for the week.
Your body has took on the mechanism of fable 2 and the only way you can fart is by pressing right bumper, scrolling to "social" and then pressing "A" on "fart"
You took advantage of this and killed yourself by making yourself unable to fart and you blew up like a little smelly balloon that you've always secretly been
Perfect
Your midwife applied the same method of checking if eggs are fresh or stale with your newborn
You were later served fresh but quite clearly dead baby on toast (you ate it anyway because you were hungry)
Jimmy Carr's Bumper Book of Rape Jokes
Your mother invites Jake Bugg to make vowel sounds to commemorate your 16th year with locked in syndrome.
An invertebrate Sky Sports football expert clenches his arse so hard trying to remain on the fence about 'whether a deal is gonna get done' that his wife miscarries.
Roy of Sprouston has unnecessary facial reconstructive surgery done with the aim of "bearing more of a resemblance to Alan Alda at his current age".
Your stained glass window of David Batty slide tackling a Black is destroyed by a sneeze.
You burn your cock on a hot onion ring. I you have a cock.
Your low quality spray tan causes a riot in West Belfast.
Gary Glitter turns down your multi-year contract to walk into children's farts for Barnardos.
Your entire origin story fits mid sentence in an aside about some Pringles.
The Tilbury Jim Davidson Fan Club has just gained a new member. They deserve each other.
Your surprise 40th birthday party has Ladbaby as the celebrity MC.
A Benny Hill lookalilke runs what can only be described as High Wycombe's most racist apothecary.
Greggs for dinner.
Greggs for Christmas dinner
Harold Shipman mature anal
Some v good posts on this page.
Applying the dynamic of 'one for you, one for me' to soffits.
You have Croydon beaten into you.
Personally commended by the King for seeing through putting David Beckham on the fiver.
As he strains to point it, 'it was really all your idea in the first place, Porvis'.
You use your new gymnastic flexibilty to spend the day eating raspberries out of your anus.
You decide your daughter deserves a night off, so between 9pm and 6am, you lick her stumps for her
Quote from: Fambo Number Mive on May 28, 2023, 11:50:53 AMYou use your new gymnastic flexibilty to spend the day eating raspberries out of your anus.
Euphoria be thaddaway - >
You can only orgasm when you hear the Police Academy theme tune. It makes dating very difficult.
Your talk 'What is the nonce equivalent of shredding?' sells out Earl's Court
Your soul becomes trapped inside a haunted combine harvester.
8th place in the 2023 Grimsby Dog-In-A-Pram 500.
Nonced up by a haunted pair of wellington boots.
Reheating your RustlersTM Southern Fried Chicken over a quasi-fire made of some leaves.
Midway through dinner you realize your daughter has left her partner for a haunted DVD of Ricky Gervais' "Science".
Mandating lemon curd sandwiches at your wake.
Craig of Falmouth tires of "the big city".
Throwing wild fistfuls of Space Marines into the lifeboat as your ice floe degrades.
Pete Tong tribute fails to impress, Walsall.
Quote from: Ferris on May 29, 2023, 11:52:18 PMNonced up by a haunted pair of wellington boots.
Sonic and knuckles branded ones
Fishmonger on quaaludes, Braintree.
Keith of Chelmsford draining his sack into a flower pot.
Your experiments with Polycell Expanding Foam in the anus land you in hospital again.
You are assigned a Section VI TARIC code, 'products of the chemical industry'.
These sprouts are best before 2/6/05.
Your father wanted alone time with your mother in the chapel of rest of rest and as soon as he opened the door to leave a pungent odour of wank was wafted into your nostrils
No wonder he had such a smile on his face DIRTY CUNT
Thrilled, your mum visits the hospice to tell you that Bruno Brookes has agreed to narrate your autopsy livestream.
Quote from: buttgammon on May 30, 2023, 07:45:10 PMYou are assigned a Section VI TARIC code, 'products of the chemical industry'.
Snorted
Your family hire a belter to cunt out 'Heeee's fuckinnn deaaaad' to celebrate your demise.
A corpulent slag turns her nose up at your offer of drinks, conversation, maybe more?
The highlight of your month is doing a nice long sausage shaped poo twice in three days.
Mark Goodyear gets the better of you in a Nailsea Greggs.
Your fisticuffs with a toddler escalates to blades.
You are seated next to Kier Starmer and Wes Streeting in the restaurant.
You are seated next to Kier Starmer and Wes Streeting in the restaurant.
Gary Barlow rips off a cheesy one during the grand opening of a Poundstrecher in Filey.
Quote from: Glebe on June 01, 2023, 04:09:23 PMGary Barlow rips off a cheesy one during the grand opening of a Poundstrecher in Filey.
"However I shat, whatever I did. I didn't mean it, I just want you back for good!"
John Virgo Sellotape©s Steve Davis onto a pool table in a pub Barrow-in-Furness 'for a laugh'. "I think you've had enough to drink now, mate," warns John Parrott. Virgo is crying.
Your housemate leaves you two eggs in a bowl as a moving out gift.
Marooned on the Pennine Way with nary but a soiled banana to nourish.
Starlings are famous mimics, and the ones in your garden have started making the sound of someone wheezing while reaching for a can of beer.
Durham diarrhea debacle? Darn it!
Your first review on the local scat dogging website is "all liquids and no solids".
Derek Hatton refuses to give you his autograph in a Bootle wine bar.
"These Golden Grahams are stale," complains William Roache in a Colchester B&B.
David Ginola being time-stamped into YouTube oblivion.
Your attempts at rebranding to "the Wild-Man of Bexleyheath!" are quietly shuttered.
'We're just not seeing the engagement numbers we need to move forward'.
Also your sex offender status cannot simply be re branded
Too soft to be a hard lad.
Too hard to be a soft lad.
Suicide is the only option says your mum.
A viking funeral proves a total washout, fucking thing won't light or float out to sea nor nowt.
an American in a bucket hat has just informed you it's "time for the meatstick"
Quote from: dontpaintyourteeth on June 05, 2023, 09:52:06 PMan American in a bucket has just informed you it's "time for the meatsick"
You have to be reminded - again - that "wetting the baby's head" does not involve a full bladder. If it happens again you'll be demoted to Bishop.
A dog trained to detect cancer draws a circle around you in piss and leaves.
Quote from: shoulders on June 06, 2023, 10:32:51 AMA dog trained to detect cancer draws a circle around you in piss and leaves.
V good
Every job advert logged with your local job centre stipulates that you should not bother applying.
Even the termites have forsaken you, despite their previous assurances.
Despite being detained on suspicion of murdering seven homosexual men in Darlington over a two-week period in December whilst dressed as Santa Claus, the press dub you "The 'Drive with Andy Goldstein & Darren Bent' Murderer" because you were listening to TalkSport when you were arrested.
Conrad can only achieve climax by inhaling the fetid aroma of what he affectionally refers to as his 'behind-the-ears fun-gunk'.
Real life:
You make a pond in the garden;
The only thing that lives in it is the rarely infectious of human flesh
Rat Tailed Maggot
Common in putrid, fucked or just generally manky water sources with animal corpses is
Lovely
A manky loon refuses your invitation for a pint as they have a prior engagement with the toilet. "Diarrhea and a crafty wank, then sit in the corner on me own with some rotten cider. Preferable to your company, mate."
Afterdark screensavers become all the rage again and the trending one is of you getting bummed in the gob.
Your £1000 donation to the community gardening fund is rewarded with the word 'paedo' scrawled on your front door in dog shit.
Janet is part way through a rousing rendition of He's Got The Whole World In His Hands at her prayer group when it occurs to her that the 'whole world' includes all the children's and animals' penises.
Self help guru encourages a packed audience at the Albert Hall to "start jerkin' off to unleash the power within!"
Your neighbour is fined £5000 and magistrate fees and forced to undertake community service for complaining to the council that you have taught your Parakeets to say Slava Ukraini and painted them blue and yellow.
A bouncer headbutts a dead body outside a Middlesbrough nightclub.
"That's the splayed anus guy that can't stop grieving baby!" roars Tim Westwood into the mic as you limp into the freshers ball.
Quote from: Principal Kohoutek on June 07, 2023, 06:46:51 PMA bouncer headbutts a dead body outside a Middlesbrough nightclub.
Really nice 👌
Gateshead is the venue for some really unpleasant and soul-destroying dogging sessions.
Your census return is rejected after filling in 'women from Tesco adverts' as the answer to the sexual orientation and religion questions.
Quote from: buttgammon on June 07, 2023, 09:01:38 PMYour census return is rejected after filling in 'women from Tesco adverts' as the answer to the sexual orientation and religion questions.
Excellent ☑️
The Tharg the Mighty mask you ordered finally arrives but it turns out to be a Van Morrison mask painted green.
Contacting Keith Chegwin via Ouija board but not having the heart to tell him it's a wrong number.
Quote from: batwings on June 08, 2023, 08:47:02 PMContacting Keith Chegwin via Ouija board but not having the heart to tell him it's a wrong number.
Hes screaming with tears, begging for chips
There's no chips here, everything else is great bit there's no chips!!
Barely conscious and bleeding out after being knocked off your bike, you are approached by a Guardian journalist who asks you if you have been affected by bad driving.
A Wincanton dullard experiences choice paralysis while browsing a gravel catalogue.
Quote from: Spoon of Ploff on June 08, 2023, 03:45:05 PMThe Tharg the Mighty mask you ordered finally arrives but it turns out to be a Van Morrison face mask painted green.
An argument over the difference between a girdle and a truss spills out through the front window of Betfred and all over the street.
You wake at 4am in a Stoke hostel to a soaking-wet Ted Hankey falling on top of you.
'A Nun's Life' twitter account decides to embrace the apparently burgeoning demand for Catholicism fetishes in order to finance a much-needed hysterectomy for Sister Concepta.
Geoffrey performs his own prostatectomy as bitter retribution for years of nocturnal piss-teasing.
A sex worker describes your third shoulder as a "deal breaker".
Cheryl Baker disses you in the fruit and veg aisle of a Sainsbury's in Berwick.
After scrupulously detailing a traumatic event in your life and where you are now, emotionally, your psychiatrist fizzes back with "you're a ferret-eyed little farcemonger, aren't you?"
"What?"
"You're a plastic-arsed sack of mourning, aren't you? Aren't you? I have a client who is dead; you don't see her complaining do you? I've got a kidney the size of Mount Everest; I'm not complaining, am I? And yet you sit here, in my office, babbling about the emotional equivalent of a Chinese burn... You're a prick. A gold-tinted prick, love."
Receiving a heartfelt compliment from local character Derek the Nazi.
Roger of Lancs is serving 50 years for debasing a carrot "with gusto".
Being advised to monetise your mucus cough by Declan Costello, the world's foremost laryngologist because 'fucked if I can fix that'.
You are publicly slapped - hard - in the face by the Deacon of Newcastle Cathedral at the Calypso dance gathering, yet again.
Quote from: Principal Kohoutek on June 09, 2023, 05:57:50 PMAn argument over the difference between a girdle and a truss spills out through the front window of Betfred and all over the street.
✅
And the others too.
What job did you do when you were younger, Nanna?
I worked in a factory making little plastic barriers for roadworks that blew over in the slightest puff of wind.
"Feeling a bit flumped off today," moans a bloke at a bus stop.
While peering deep into your rectum, the proctologist instructs their assistant to 'get the Guinness Book of Records on the phone'.
Dignitas offer you a discount for being dead inside already.
The government have your name changed to Bubbadum and their is nothing that you can legally do about it.
Texting '5 more sleeps til holibobs' to your dog's phone and then writing the reply for him '🤗'
Andrew Marr kills you with a crossbow in Sainbury's, Devon.
A wendigo rates your blood "basic bitch sangria".
On your 18th birthday your parents hire a deformed parrot/hobo hybrid to scream "you're not having sex!" all night from the garden at you.
A Flump saves your life and you become indebted to it, escalating in a series of wool-based demands to a point at which you find yourself coccooned in yarn and saliva, suckled on by thousands of winnet-like larval Flumplings.
Quote from: Clive Dogshit on June 13, 2023, 10:42:47 PMA Flump saves your life and you become indebted to it, escalating in a series of wool-based demands to a point at which you find yourself coccooned in yarn and saliva, suckled on by thousands of winnet-like larval Flumplings.
Cracking! Should be in the Euphoria thread though!
Quote from: Clive Dogshit on June 13, 2023, 10:33:13 PMOn your 18th birthday your parents hire a deformed parrot/hobo hybrid to scream "you're not having sex!" all night from the garden at you.
Amazing
Great work on this page from Clive for me, Clive.
You buy some krokodil to cure your arthritis after Klaus Lundekvam hawks it on Twitter. It does. Your arm drops off in seconds.
Quote from: Clive Dogshit on June 13, 2023, 10:42:47 PMA Flump saves your life and you become indebted to it, escalating in a series of wool-based demands to a point at which you find yourself coccooned in yarn and saliva, suckled on by thousands of winnet-like larval Flumplings.
While being forced to listen to Grandpa Flump's incessant Flumpet soloing.
*turns your mattress over*
Oh I see this side is also stained with your cum, piss and poo - good job!
In a government initiative, the guidance note for examples of how not to submit passport photos includes a photo of yours with the caption "no resting bitch face".
real life deso/hilarity - the local indoor market egg stall's banner proudly proclaims it's website as blackdogeggs
Agree.
Quote from: Vodkafone on June 14, 2023, 07:31:42 AMGreat work on this page from Clive for me, Clive.
Agreed. Who are these new people stealing our jobs and what migrant dinghy did they arrive on?
Quote from: jenna appleseed on June 14, 2023, 08:42:59 PMreal life deso/hilarity - the local indoor market egg stall's banner proudly proclaims it's website as blackdogeggs
I have heard of and seen these fellas
https://blackdogeggs.co.uk/
And made merry with their hilarious name
Your testicles rot through your scrotum and ruin the motivational poster that was the only thing keeping you going - if you exclude the noncing.
from your caravan in the drive way, you over hear your mum making breathless reference to black dog eggs as she fellates your abuser with a polo in her mouth
Despite pitch blackness, you are suddenly aware that gregg Wallace, in his goblin form, is sat at the end of the bed.
This means he will talk with you about all you did wrong, until the sun returns. Despite this never happening before, you know for a total fact this is the way it is going to be, always has been
Martin of Penzance owns a disturbing amount of cabbages.
You refer to the local blackbird as 'a right fucking smarm' because he keeps beating you to the prime spot of earth in your neighbour's garden for an early morning dust bath.
Your hooligan dog refuses to see a vet about that weird lump.
Strutting down to the clap clinic like cock of the walk, slapping your articles on the counter like a haunch of meat and ordering reception to 'fire up the clart blaster'.
Doing a thrusting hip motion with your torso, hands behind your head like a horny limbo dancer as you approach to cut the ribbon on Cenotaph Burger King.
Following a harpist home from a recital, seething with rage.
You were excited about your first "bottomless brunch" but when you got there the place was heaving with bottoms.
Your grisly appearance and demeanour lead to your early termination under section 4 of the Dangerous Dogs Act
Dignitas ask you to leave your Funko Pops in the car.
The man draining your abscess asks if you like 'new era' Johnny Hates Jazz.
Desperate to find a way to feel younger, you panic buy a bottle of Prime. Hmm, this bottle lid feels a bit weird much like most of them these days. Opens rather easily. Bloody thing just doesn't detatch from the plastic ring like the old days. You take a swig and immediately think it tastes like piss. That's precisely because it is piss. The proprieter of the shop is laughing at you through the window and pointing to the no refunds sign scrawled in barely legible handwriting. Not wishing to make it a wasted purchase you continue supping out of sheer stubbornness.
Quote from: Vodkafone on June 19, 2023, 12:50:24 PMYour grisly appearance and demeanour lead to your early termination under section 4 of the Dangerous Dogs Act
Lovely stuff.
Quote from: batwings on June 19, 2023, 05:15:04 PMThe man draining your abscess asks if you like 'new era' Johnny Hates Jazz.
Is this the era where Johnny has come to quite like jazz, but nothing too difficult like Ornette Coleman?
Quote from: Ferris on June 19, 2023, 02:19:24 PMDignitas ask you to leave your Funko Pops in the car.
Genuinely made me feel awful this one
Pancreas tick
Jim Davidson tribute act flops at various B&Bs around Cumbria.
Andrew Ridley trying to remove a coconut stuck down the side of a shelf in Tesco, Exeter.
Yorkshire Paedophile Convention moved to the bigger room of the club and "Car Park Full" sign up.
Yorkshire Small Penis society not accepting new members. "Flooded" according to overwhelmed small penis measurer.
"These east of the Pennine penises are just baby dick shite", worried Ottley librarian asserts.
"Sheep or kids" gene traced in one Yorkshire male. Could mean breakthrough for entire despicable set of bastards reckon boffins.
"The paedophiles were drawn away by the failing eastern light. And we ran to the sun", say alarmed Peak District campers.
Yuri Gagarin slams Yorkshire with "Nonce" label after mayor of Leeds try's to make him finger girl dressed as Marshal Zhukov.
Peak District and East Cheshire home uninsurable due to tunnelling Yorkshire Paedophiles.
Coach full of Yorkshire men hits wool carrier on M62. Both East and West carriageways blocked by men looking confused and aroused. "Very small penises. like a Terrier dog", according to blousy Dutch woman.
https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/world-65951188
Give up guys, not topping this.
Asking Chat GPT to do a rap about Ohm's Law.
Spoiler alert
(Verse 1)
Yo, gather 'round, let me break it down,
Ghostface Killa's here to teach you now,
About a law that's crucial, it's Ohm's law,
Voltage, current, resistance, no flaw.
(Chorus)
Ohm's law, let it flow, gotta know the deal,
Electricity in motion, power you can feel,
V equals I times R, that's the equation,
Ghostface bringin' knowledge, no hesitation.
(Verse 2)
Voltage, the force that pushes through,
Like a river flowin', makin' things move,
Measured in volts, it's the power source,
Drivin' the current, that's the driving force.
(Chorus)
Ohm's law, let it flow, gotta know the deal,
Electricity in motion, power you can feel,
V equals I times R, that's the equation,
Ghostface bringin' knowledge, no hesitation.
(Verse 3)
Current, the flow of electric charge,
Like a steady stream, it's large and in charge,
Measured in amps, it's the real deal,
Movin' through circuits, bringin' power that's real.
(Chorus)
Ohm's law, let it flow, gotta know the deal,
Electricity in motion, power you can feel,
V equals I times R, that's the equation,
Ghostface bringin' knowledge, no hesitation.
(Verse 4)
Resistance, the opposition to the flow,
Like a roadblock, it can make it slow,
Measured in ohms, it's the impedance,
Fightin' against the current, bringin' some resistance.
(Chorus)
Ohm's law, let it flow, gotta know the deal,
Electricity in motion, power you can feel,
V equals I times R, that's the equation,
Ghostface bringin' knowledge, no hesitation.
(Verse 5)
So, remember Ohm's law, the key to the game,
Understand the relationship, it ain't the same,
Voltage, current, resistance, all connect,
Ghostface Killa droppin' knowledge, intellect.
(Chorus)
Ohm's law, let it flow, gotta know the deal,
Electricity in motion, power you can feel,
V equals I times R, that's the equation,
Ghostface bringin' knowledge, no hesitation.
(Outro)
So, there you have it, Ohm's law in the rap,
Ghostface Killa breakin' it down, no gap,
Understand the flow, the power it brings,
Electricity's the game, let it all sing.
On your butt cheek you have a tattoo of your mum and dad snogging.
Quote from: shoulders on June 20, 2023, 07:14:50 AMhttps://www.bbc.co.uk/news/world-65951188
Give up guys, not topping this.
What a line:
QuoteMcCartney, a former motorcycle gang member who spent time in prison before entering the monkey torture world...
Quote from: Ferris on June 20, 2023, 03:11:23 PMWhat a line:
File under: shit I was very happy not knowing about 😟
Knocked out cold by a freezer bag filled with a dog's genital warts.
Quote from: Glebe on June 19, 2023, 10:34:11 PMJim Davidson tribute act flops at various B&Bs around Cumbria.
Jim Davidson tribute act flops at various B&Qs around Cumbria.
Demand for Jim Davidson is now so low he prices out tribute acts, but still flops at B&Qs around Cumbria.
Jim Davidson takes the name Whitehaven too literally and flops there too.
Your daily morning alarm call is Robert Peston shrieking like a monkey at the foot of your bed.
Jim Davidson begins touring the various barbecues of Cumbria.
An empath with a phobia of lint lucid nightmares having to fumigate a crustpunk's ballsack.
Sacked from your dream job as a taste tester at a sewage farm for taking too many sick days.
Will Gompertz confuses Lego with anal sex
You spend your Friday evenings cataloguing the nation's skin tags.
"Choded by hyenas", reads the death certificate.
Despite the FoIA request, Chelmsford's local constabulary refuses to provide further detail.
Strapping a waist support strap around your abdomen and pretending you're fucking 90s Javelin stars Steve Backley and Jan Zelezny.
Shaving your legs to get all the shit off.
"Prolapse? More like amateur-lapse!" chuckles your opponent.
You've read and re-read the official list of events at the 2024 Paris Olympics umpteen times, and 'stuffing biscuits up your arsehole' isn't on there. Which is not what you told the corporate sponsorship team at McVities.
Quote from: Ferris on June 25, 2023, 03:03:02 PM"Prolapse? More like amateur-lapse!" chuckles your opponent.
Antilapse? (I'm work shopping)
In a drunken stupor you thought it would be "a right laugh" to put googly eyes on your wank sock and make a video of you doing a Punch and Judy routine and send it to your best mate of 10 years
His online status has been nonspecific ever since and you're not sure why
Burying your blacked up sex face in a load of woodlice for the denouement.
Your foreskin makes people jump.
Brian leaves your shed and phones the police.
you make a slight faux pas at a garden party and vultures begin circling overhead
"You had me at 'crabs'."
Telling a teenager with endometriosis to 'love the skin you're in'.
Quote from: Pink Gregory on June 26, 2023, 07:51:58 AMyou make a slight faux pas at a garden party and vultures begin circling overhead
V good
Absently gunning strips of doner meat composed of your most recent family members into the relevant Styrofoam takeaway boxes.
Here you go son, I know it's a bit tight, but don't worry, you will starve into it in the winter
If you are referred to as 'taking the apoplexy world by storm' one more fucking time...
Quote from: Vodkafone on June 27, 2023, 05:17:56 PMIf you are referred to as 'taking the apoplexy world by storm' one more fucking time...
✅
Hitting that sweet equilibrium where your liver function percentage matches the ABV of the cabernet you're swilling.
wait that may be euphoria
It's orgy season at Rod Liddle's summer house and you are the mop boy.
You hand your notice in at work, citing a 'lack of fuckable options'
A tearful phone call you made to your boss is recorded, and subsequently made into a dubstep remix and people are grinding to it at the works summer barbeque. No one wishes to grind with you and no royalties are paid.
Due to hyperthyroidism you shit out your ham sandwich undigested. Out of sheer spite, you eat it again.
^ a couple of good uns there dex
Ye fair doos
The icing on your Aberfan themed cake is described by Mary Berry as 'blockbuster stuff'.
An abundance of arse-grease scuppers your Masterchef audition.
Real life deso: my s4c interview about young Welsh plasterer of the year was not shown as I accidentally made it look like I was bleeding out of my penis
Took time of the competition to do it too, didn't really catch up, came eighth that year
Crawling into Ian Botham's nappy to retrieve your lost finger.
A cunt buys a used shed.
Chuckling at Lucy Letby's wry, irreverent weekly column in The Guardian about being a young woman in the limelight.
A soiled trampoline in Gwersyllt.
A deepfake of Craig Revel Horwood fisting Michael Gove on a Penzance pier.
Your bed bugs and dust mites form a union and begin strike action over the increasing amount of mouse turds found on your mattress.
A colleague describes your life's work as "total arse-chutney".
Over hearing a colleauge summing up your value to the company to a manager as 'a destabilising ballast'
Laboratory analysis reveals that your copy of Dean Gaffney's self-help manual Act Your Way To A Better Life is composed mainly of semen.
Rylan Clark continually feeding gone-off satsumas to Huw Edwards in a basement in Surrey.
A royal superfan describes the moment he was insulted by Prince Philip as "the best of his life"
Your doctor says you have an infection on your "so-called penis".
Your latest google search is:
most nutritious animal excrement safe for human consumption reddit
"This has been a lovely first date Mavis, now if you'll excuse me I'm due to pop me suppository in."
The sweetcorn in your latest turd spells out "Fuck off, cuntflaps".
Diagnosed with Wanker's Toe.
A man named Jegg Langcocks drives a hovercraft across the full length of Cheadle, mowing down several animals in the process.
You curse your failing eyesight as you find yourself turning up, yet again, planning to cosplay Rod Hull at an Emo night.
Cadbury's Dark Chocolate Anal Warts
Quote from: pancreas on July 03, 2023, 09:31:44 PMYou curse your failing eyesight as you find yourself turning up, yet again, planning to cosplay Rod Hull at an Emo night.
You pivot to a purloined Emo Philips routine.
"This'll turn it around".
Boston, Lincolnshire, rebrands as 'Gateway to the Shit Arse of Nowhere'
Your son starts ticking like an old timey bomb
You've been hired by Gordon's to shop around a new slogan - "Gin'll Fix It"
In between thinking of some mid-tier nonsense to post in That's All I Got and logging in, you forget what it was.
Quote from: Pink Gregory on July 05, 2023, 05:55:01 PMYou've been hired by Gordon's to shop around a new slogan - "Gin'll Fix It"
Linehan rubs his hands together and registers a domain of Glinner'll Fix It
Due to a misunderstanding, the sort of simple misunderstanding that might befall any of us, on your first day as a Conservative Member of Parliament you write 'slavery porn' in the members' Register of Interests.
Your orgasm is ruled offside.
an aging balding phimosis riddled man accidentaly emails his boss all the col tim moore threads from GB
Shadow banned by The Samaritans.
The cure for AIDS comes through and inversely it's having bloody sex with monkeys.
Quote from: shoulders on July 08, 2023, 09:34:07 PMThe cure for AIDS comes through and inversely it's having bloody sex with monkeys.
"Just by dipping your wick, or is full blown nutting required?" Malcolm from Teeside enquires.
Hell is other people, and chewy mince.
The streets clear when the name of LEMMIWANKS rings out.
Christmas in a Polish furniture warehouse being sick on each other to keep warm.
Shelling and slurping ink cartridges under the desk as if they were the finest Delaware oysters known to man.
Scrumping for desiccated foetuses in an orchard of coat-hangers.
Your a bit moved by the new orchestral version of the tellytubbies theme
Moments before being brained by a toddler, a slug cognises that intelligence is just the top tier of stupidity really isn't it.
You turn your house into a tribute to Only Fools and Horses, but have only seen two episodes of the show.
"Tonight, Matthew, I'm going to be Huw Edwards..."
Rapping in a really threatening and misogynistic way over the youtube survey advert music
A congealed blob of regret experiences an unexpected frisson of pleasure during his tryst with a broken overflow pipe as a startled rat scurries up his leg.
Insisting that your rosacea renders you a person of colour.
A butterfly knife is brought out during a row over a Cash In The Attic spoiler.
A snake shits in its own gob purely because it can.
Eamonn Holmes wakes from a lovely dream of not being Eamonn Holmes. His screams of realisation are shrill and pitiful.
I'm imagining a sort of inhuman squeal that makes school run parents pick up their children and run along
A photo of your anus was accidentally featured in a H.R. Giger exhibition and no one noticed.
Your haemorrhoids have been raised in Parliament.
Your skin tags are talking about unionising.
A melancholy tapeworm suffers from claustrophobia.
A man who looks exactly like Alun Armstrong crushes a spider on the M25.
Your entire family is wiped out when an Angel Delight factory explodes next door. A photo of you sobbing bitterly by the local town fountain subsequently appears on the cover of the regional news pamphlet under the headline 'LOCAL NODDY IN AIDS-TIER MOURNING ATTEMPT'.
You convince yourself that you're not a worthless ghoul for your favourite cinema snack being a box of dry cornflakes.
Outed as the frontman for Nizlopi.
Your mutant ability involves being able to piss diahorrea.
Your wife walks in on you watching Fast & Furious 6.
Vladimir Putin sets fire to his own frenulum in a fit of boredom.
7d chess you wait
laughing and shushing spectators, your guide dog leads you into the path of a tram
Peter Andre poster on the ceiling of a childrens oncology ward.
A mediocre cleaner develops a morbid fear of brooms.
Quote from: madhair60 on July 15, 2023, 11:18:00 PMlaughing and shushing spectators, your guide dog leads you into the path of a tram
Excellent
Deliberately blurring your Tinder pic but ensuring the text is very clear and accessible to anyone with a visual impairment.
half a bottle of Pinot Pinochet in a hairdresser-infested graveyard.
Googling the origin story of 2 Men, A Drum Machine & A Trumpet.
Your wife leaves you due to your hostile obsession with Bob Carolgees - a development that only deepens your hatred of the man.
Lusting after a paedophile who is, in your opinion, "pure class".
The same Christmas card. Eight years running. In July.
Your primary care giver closes the door on your cock, bellows 'here's your happy finish, cunt' and gases your family in your most restful recent dream.
Paying €20 to learn about the KGB but it's just a bald man who shouts
27 million Russians dead
.... 1945...
....STALIN.... WIIINNNNNNEEEEEEEEEERRRR!!!!!!!!!!
then turns up Eurodance to blast as he dances around the room.
A derelict pigeon vomits its way into the record books.
A mustard-smeared clod of dry beef moulded between two clammy slices of white-tac bread - your finest meal in half a decade.
A local news article about chips describes your adult child as 'a Wetherspoons enthusiast'
"Hail fellow well met!"
And yet you still cannot make friends with anyone in this dingy post office, even after twenty years of frequenting.
Sleeping through your own rape alarm.
Getting your dog so pissed you have to cover it in a paper bag because it breaks open carry laws.
A small village in Kent hiring seven disgraced television presenters from the 70s to protect them from refugees.
The spirit of Brian Sewell critiques your dreams.
You are provided with a comprehensive list of all the mountains high enough, valleys low enough and rivers wide enough to keep them from you. It's pretty long.
another night on the People Who Have Stuffed Things Up Their Bum Ward
And your mum says she's not coming to visit this time
Mary finally opens a £3 bottle of wine, only to have a large fly zoom directly into it. The result is surprisingly pleasant, she observes, taking another swig.
3 years in playing spunk golf on zimmer frame Cup holders.
you come third place in a des lynham lookalike contest
... despite the fact that you are, in fact, Des Lynham.
Quote from: Cerys on July 20, 2023, 12:05:44 PM... despite the fact that you are, in fact, Des Lynham.
'I always come third' [winks to camera]
^ heh.
A dyspraxic motorcyclist steals the stabilisers from his nephew's bike but lacks the tools to install them.
You overhear your mums bumhole being discussed in hushed tones at her open casket funeral
It has no right to be in such good condition! one ebullient mourner exclaims
"This Tennent's Lager is out of date," moans Aubrey, his cock falling out of his unzipped trews in this fart-smelling Lancs hovel pub.
A father with a Batman fixation is devastated when his estranged wife is completely reasonable about his healthy relationship with their three children.
Your only friend is a tin of Barkeeper's Friend, and one day it will find out you aren't even a barkeeper.
A Deaf children's entertainer.
"How ya doing kids? Everyone ok?"
Kids: "YAAAAAAAAYYYY!"
"I can't HEAR youuuuuu!"
Your anus gets 1 out 5 on Ratemybumhole
You go to the kennel in the morning and it's full of old lead.
Last weekend I gave directions to an old English couple on the street looking for "a good breakfast, you know like a wetherspoons or a McDonald's".
Did my best to steer them to a cheap but functional diner "that way" but let them know the McDonald's was the other way but quite a bit further. They thanked me before firmly marching off in the direction of the Golden Arches.
The bloke was in a Hawaiian shirt as well. Imagine putting your holiday togs on then getting stuck into a morning McWhatever, ketchup and pseudo-cheese all on your sunglasses, the limit of your ambition outside of England reduced to a binary decision between finding either a spoons or rotten Ronnie's.
Zen. Peaceful atop the porcelain, you begin to carve and flush thyself, bit by bit. External, internal. The calm. A pleasant breeze, the open window. Halfway through, fucking wasp, would you fucking believe it, fuck off shit fuck bastard...
A masochistic fox has its fantasies stymied by the local saboteurs.
Set on fire and forced to login under credentials 'The Paedo' at AHMED INTERNETCAFE.
Stale crackers and cold Bovril are the order of the day here at Johnny Porvis' Lancashire 'Meal Palace'.
Your new girlfriend genuinely coos "i love you big boy" from the other room.
Beaming, you enter to hug her only to realise she is talking to a client on a sex cam site.
She finishes her session and you go to hug her.
"Get the fuck off me weirdo" she shrieks, before spending the hours before sleep time scrolling through tik tok
Converting your Betamax recordings of all Max Bygraves' TV appearances onto VHS instead of attending your granddaughter's silver wedding anniversary.
You find the world's smallest chip.
Cornered by a pillock in Crows-An-Wra
You get to spend the weekend with Uncle Barry, y'know, the one with the wrestling DVD collection and poor hygiene.
Shouting BITTY as your father withdraws his smegma.
Your prescription of Merguez sausage for your cack shins is extirpated in a landslip.
Every child in your neighbourhood under the age of 6 is given a whistle.
Puppy prison (no parole)
Quote from: Vodkafone on July 27, 2023, 02:15:01 PMEvery child in your neighbourhood under the age of 6 is given a whistle.
You've been warned about that.
A swan is relentlessly bullied by its peers for failing to break anyone's arm.
Menaced by past fallen hail.
You leave a 1 star review for a pub because "the toilet experience failed to chime with the wider narrative of an 8 pint session".
Your sexual misconceptions are published by trumpet courtesy of an embittered bugler you once called your lover.
Penis v Baby Owl cam.
Six men fall in love with the same Jersey cow. The cow expires from a lungworm infestation before any of the men make their feelings known. Next bovine, please, thinks Harold, crossing yet another name off the list.
Caught eating from the Pot Noodle shrine.
Not caught eating from the Pot Noodle shrine.
Using your arse to "clap for carers". The neighbours definitely saw.
Ejected from Wilko's for "being too skaggy".
Quote from: Ferris on July 30, 2023, 12:13:07 AMUsing your arse to "clap for carers". The neighbours definitely saw.
Twerk for t'nurses
The barman offers you some cake with your pint and, whilst you are mid-bite, tells you it was stored under his foreskin "to keep it fresh".
Track and trace is reinitiated by the UK government after your revivalist Clap For Carers campaign leads to a trail of venereal infections.
As the ticket inspector approaches you realise that all you have in your pocket is a piece of paper that says "I know where Maddie is".
The embossed scowl of an aggressively fleshy and shirtless busker haunts a ticket inspector's dreams like a shaved tarantula.
A giant skeleton horse half-melted into a traffic island attempts to engage passing motorists in an unending monologue about the life and lusts of Ed Balls.
A catacomb attempts to make itself look pretty for an onslaught of bobsledding plague victims.
You look for sheepskin coats on ebay after your wife informs you of her Del Boy fetish.
Dexys midnight runners make a comeback, but its all just songs about getting your balls kicked in
Keeping the aborted foetus of your kid in a pickle jar and using it as a 'substitute' for your wife when she is on the blob.
Quote from: Vodkafone on July 27, 2023, 02:15:01 PMEvery child in your neighbourhood under the age of 6 is given a whistle.
My neighbours have three kids all under the age of eight. It's the summer holidays and mum and dad have just bought a trampoline for the back garden. The springs in the trampoline are already rusty cos of our shite summer - the horror, the horror.
Drinking a clearance Purdey's that tastes of sausages
A gingivitic vampire accidentally bites Stonehenge.
Losing in the Olympic final because you're trapped in a cycle of hover handing and your main competitor has stuck a pretty lady's face on your Discus.
you describe your bowel movements to a doctor as 'a marathon, rather than a sprint'
He replies 'They're called snickers now'
You are described as having 'resting Ron DeSantis face'.
Ouch!
Packed off to Jaywick by your now former local authority, the locals of your new community are not happy to have a "fucking mutant" bringing the quality of the area down.
After your Dad dies, his will guides you to play a song he wrote and recorded all by himself. Puzzled, as he never showed any outward indications of being a musician, you invite your relatives around for a listen:
"Workin' on the pussay-pussay-pussay
Thinkin''bout the pussay-pussay-pussay
Hangin' out the pussay-pussay-pussay
Who's around for pussay-pussay-pussay"
You spend your wedding anniversary binge watching A Touch Of Frost
The village votes to take a 'belt and braces' approach to your burial.
Quote from: Fambo Number Mive on August 03, 2023, 08:20:24 PMYou spend your wedding anniversary binge watching A Touch Of Frost
Would love this
Roy Clarke tries to give Still Open All Hours a bit of OFaH grit by having Granville catch The Aids.
Bested by Jas Mann in Reading Services. He gets the last pasty and you don't.
He also gets the last vacant cubicle and does a loud poo while you have to wait and listen. As he opens the door afterwards he stretches his arms out to signal full gratification and relief. And it stinks to hellbound buggery of four human shits.
You just had human sex but it's with a paedo.
You spend £12,000 to become a collie, only to be gazumped by a man who spent £14,000
Congratulations, you are your local porn shop's 100th customer!
Going into your local, barman looks up: 'The usual?' You nod, walk around the side of the building and begin borderline suicide painal with a heavily repressed homosexual rapist from Derby. "It's not ILLEGAL IF YOU KEEP SHOUTING YES" he pleads.
Keeping a sofa 'on hand' in case any mercy killings are required.
Quote from: shoulders on August 05, 2023, 10:43:39 AMGoing into your local, barman looks up: 'The usual?' You nod, walk around the side of the building and begin borderline suicide painal with a heavily repressed homosexual rapist from Derby. "It's not ILLEGAL IF YOU KEEP SHOUTING YES" he pleads.
Laughed at this one
Beheaded at a Bempton fete.
Gail Porter's synapses explode and cause an existential crisis around Crombie.
Europe's eminent arborists all agree your latest piece on Ash Dieback is deepest smegma.
Paul Simon gets his todger out outside Tesco Express, Salford.
A Tory minister laughs as another block of public toilets is closed.
Quote from: Vodkafone on July 27, 2023, 02:15:01 PMEvery child in your neighbourhood under the age of 6 is given a swanee whistle.
You accidentally stumble upon Credit Card Youtube.
Quote from: Glebe on August 04, 2023, 11:20:07 PMCongratulations, you are your local porn shop's 100th customer!
You are also the 99th customer, 98th customer, 97th customer, 96th customer, 95th customer; your local porn shop is suffering a dearth of custom is what I'm implying.
You run away from the circus to join another, poorer quality circus
waylaid by a bumpkin in Long Load, Somerset
Brusquely rebuked by a kittiwake at a haystack convention.
Quote from: Pink Gregory on August 07, 2023, 10:52:29 PMwaylaid by a bumpkin in Long Load, Somerset
They'll all be swallowing long loads by the time etc.
Mick McCarthy waiting half an hour at a Tesco customer services desk to speak to an assistant manager about some gone-off Wagon Wheels.
You are given the nickname 'Nebulous' during the three hours of your life in which anyone can remember who you are
A crow seems vaguely aware of your park bench loserness.
After someone calls you a Pound Shop Vince Vaughan at a casting you go home to fetch the Matalan receipts.
A local bully bursts into an Oxfam screaming "ALL OF YOUR NICKLEBACK CD ARE BELONG TO US".
Losing an argument about anthropomorphism with a spider.
A man called Clement Spozzgottle has defiled your sheepskin collection.
Gammon George invites you over for beer, sweat and LBC News.
Andy Crane's foreskin fuses shut at exactly the wrong moment.
Quote from: Fambo Number Mive on August 03, 2023, 08:20:24 PMYou spend your wedding anniversary binge watching A Touch Of Frost
"Good job I packed the VHS player, eh love? Love?!"
Your name permanently becomes PETER MICROSOFT including the allcaps.
You have taken an overdose of Rundleys Porvents
David Lloyd saying "Our Lady of Lourdes" on a human face, forever.
Your parents are granted legal permission to rename you 'Percival'. 56, you are.
Penis v African Giant Snail cam. Live 3pm EST.
Your house is robbed and the burglar takes all your CDs except your Lighthouse Family albums, because he's too ashamed to be seen with them.
Fourth loofah this week. They never survive the procedure.
You discover a half-eaten pork pie in a public toilet cubicle.
Quote from: Glebe on August 08, 2023, 09:40:53 PMGammon George invites you over for beer, sweat and LBC News.
You and Gammon George wrestle manfully in front of the fire like characters from DH Lawrence, except the 'fire' is a two-bar electric heater and the 'wrestling' is George insisting on demonstrating MMA holds on you.
You're trapped on the M6 at rush hour with a taxi driver who decides to tell you how much he loves Andrew Tate.
Quote from: Shaxberd on August 10, 2023, 12:32:47 PMYou and Gammon George wrestle manfully in front of the fire like characters from DH Lawrence, except the 'fire' is a two-bar electric heater and the 'wrestling' is George insisting on demonstrating MMA holds on you.
Your despair swells when you remember you haven't got a wife to go back home to.
"Same time next week?" A frothing, musky George glimmers
You waste your first day off in fifteen years with an ill-advised trip to West Bromwich's worst fairground.
You mix up your wanking sock and your toenails sock
Quote from: Shaxberd on August 10, 2023, 12:32:47 PMYou and Gammon George wrestle manfully in front of the fire like characters from DH Lawrence, except the 'fire' is a two-bar electric heater and the 'wrestling' is George insisting on demonstrating MMA holds on you.
"You 'Ollie Reed' or 'Alan Bates'?" enquires George, tapping the side of his nose. "Look, what I'm trying to say is are you the giver or the reciever?"
The worst desolation post you can think of is "You find yourself in a stable, fulfilled relationship and with a steady job that pays enough."
Spoiler alert
I'm joking don't worry I'm fine
The most popular stall at a Lincolnshire fete is the one where you toss puppies into a meat grinder to the sound of fairground music.
Greg from Staffordshire is the proud owner of Earth's largest collection of used sex toys.
A Swadlincote man emigrates to Jersey in disgust when a bill is passed by the house of commons criminalising sex with potholes.
Sitting next to Richard Fairbrass on a coach trip to see the radio dish at Goonhilly Downs.
A giant Michael Portillo smiles down at you from the sky at 50% opacity.
Dr Seuss's last words revealed:
"Star-bellied Sneetches? Fuck those assholes"
Quote from: Vodkafone on August 11, 2023, 09:11:14 PMThe most popular stall at a Lincolnshire fete is the one where you toss puppies into a meat grinder to the sound of
Fairground Attraction.
Aldi conveyor belt smeared with dried cum.
@Plankton sideburns I laughed until I coughed
Gary Linker founds a soup kitchen, it's a wonderful gesture marred somewhat by Gary's insistence on popping in to engage visitors in long boring footie conversations.
Quote from: Glebe on August 12, 2023, 09:46:40 PMGary Linker founds a soup kitchen, it's a wonderful gesture marred somewhat by Gary's insistence on popping in to engage visitors in long boring footie conversations.
'Before I dish out your soup mate, what do you think about the newly promoted Premier League teams? Do you think Luton Town's limited resources will always stop them from competing at this level?'
'I'm starving, I haven't eaten in three days.'
'Football first, soup second. What about Sheffield United, are the Blades sharp enough to survive?'
'Because I've been sleeping rough for the last six years, I have no access to football media.'
'Ha! No soup for you, Philistine! You're next in the queue, love. How do you think Kane will fare in the Bundesliga?'
Him cumming on your varicose veins fails to reignite your sex lives.
An Internet flounce is noticed by no-one but the cat.
Dido's 'Thank You' is the rallying theme to a Graham Linehan celebration parade.
God comes down, furious, and exclaims so loud that everyone on the planet hears
'its the placenta your supposed to bring up, not the fucking baby'
claims he made this clear
'at several points in BOTH bibles'
You catch the eye of a nearby vicar, he shakes his head, clearly rattled
Quote from: Glebe on August 12, 2023, 05:54:21 PMA giant Michael Portillo smiles down at you from the sky at 50% opacity.
I praise you for this
Quote from: shoulders on August 13, 2023, 08:35:46 PMI praise you for this
Thanks Shoulders! I assume this massive photoshopped-into-the-sky Portillo is on the lookout for trains!
Quote from: Glebe on August 07, 2023, 10:53:47 PMBrusquely rebuked by a kittiwake at a haystack convention.
Also of merit
Yay!
Quote from: Glebe on August 13, 2023, 08:36:57 PMThanks Shoulders! I assume this massive photoshopped-into-the-sky Portillo is on the lookout for trains!
Sorry, this extra detail has totally retrospectively ruined a perfect post for me now.
Trains indeed
Whereas if it was Glinner it would be 'trans'.
Love it again now
Your dildo and shitcake business goes wrong
Marrying into the surname Shit
Quote from: Pink Gregory on August 07, 2023, 09:12:20 PMYou are also the 99th customer, 98th customer, 97th customer, 96th customer, 95th customer; your local porn shop is suffering a dearth of custom is what I'm implying.
Now I get it!
(I've not been getting it, hence my constant trips to the porn shop!)
The face of Cecil Parkinson appears in the smoke emerging from a nuclear power plant chimney.
You spend the your first day at university as a mature student making fart noises and giggling on the back row of the lecture hall, while nudging unimpressed 18 year olds who avoid eye contact with you.
You develop a rash on your knee that looks exactly like Noel Edmonds. Despite the stunning resemblance, the Sun and Daily Mail ignore your calls.
Warwick Davis guilts you into carrying him from Sunderland to Lerwick. He's telling you ewok anecdotes the whole way.
Your local sex shop starts stocking Only Fools and Horses themed vibrators.
After a drunken party at the university's robotics department, you wake up with a USB drive built into the side of your penis.
You discover your girlfriend is a nonce of Saville like proportions. On the way to the wedding reception. And the shop you brought your ring from has gone into administration so you can't get the deposit back.
The crime drama you have been working on for twenty years is finally picked up by the BBC, but the channel they show it on is only availaible to woodlice.
Every time you type 'me' it autocorrects to 'loser'.
Quote from: Glebe on August 14, 2023, 02:28:35 PMWarwick Davis guilts you into carrying him from Sunderland to Lerwick. He's telling you ewok anecdotes the whole way.
Extraordinary. Love this image. How am I carrying him? On back or like a wee babby at my swollen teat?
Quote from: Mr Eggs on August 14, 2023, 06:16:23 PMExtraordinary. Love this image. How am I carrying him? On back or like a wee babby at my swollen teat?
Underarm.
"Put us down here for a minute mate. Did I tell you about the time George Lucas-"
"-Yes, yes, you told me that one. Lerwick, where are you?!"
Quote from: Glebe on August 14, 2023, 06:20:16 PMUnderarm.
"Put us down here for a minute mate. Did I tell you about the time George Lucas-"
"-Yes, yes, you told me that one. Lerwick, where are you?!"
He'd keep getting his head twatted on bollards and bus shelters and have folk slappin' his arse. I think it'd turn into a conga party for shaved Ewok perv-sicko types. Even better.
Is Warwick Davis the ultimate fantasy for a paedophile Ewok?
The only person who is about for childminding during your tribunal is Uncanny Gary
Quote from: Mr Eggs on August 14, 2023, 06:30:15 PMHe'd keep getting his head twatted on bollards and bus shelters and have folk slappin' his arse. I think it'd turn into a conga party for shaved Ewok perv-sicko types. Even better.
"They've been following us since Aberdeen!"
"It's not my fault Warwick. Oh wait, Lerwick's in the Shetland Islands. We'll have to hire a boat to get there!"
"Of course what did you think, I was gonna use the 'Force' to get there?"
Quote from: Glebe on August 14, 2023, 09:37:57 PM"They've been following us since Aberdeen!"
"It's not my fault Warwick. Oh wait, Lerwick's in the Shetland Islands. We'll have to hire a boat to get there!"
"Of course what did you think, I was gonna use the 'Force' to get there?"
"Hay Warwick, man. Can Ewok paedophiles swim?"
*SPLOSH*
"What where you doing in Sunderland anyway? And why do you want to go to Lerwick?"
"What of it?" croaks Willow.
The Filey Reaenactment Society are doing Occupy Wall Street on a disused heath this Tuesday.
Peri-peri benzodiazapenes
Donald of Holmfirth has a particular fancy for roadkill.
Great attitude, it may be raining and miserable but get out there!
Oh dear, come home sodden, wasted y'money on a shite Burger King meal. Go on, sit around here in Misery Meadows!
Your three sons Germane, Gerund and Gestalt perish at the same hook a duck stall on 3 consecutive evenings.
Porvis visits Dumfries on a broken trike.
The woman doing your bra fitting has the name badge Sandra Pervert
Your decision to get more involved in the community fails miserables when you go to a local town hall meeting only to have the door closed in your face by a smiling woman, "Not you, weirdo."
Dressed as Ronald Mcdonald wanking over Ian Mcdonald hatefucking Jane McDonald.
As Dr Raj Persaud stands above you in a lay-by, you have a moment of clarity and wonder where it all went wrong.
You snit yourself in polite company. Yep, that dreaded faux pas of sneezing and shitting yourself simultaneously.
Edged for 48 hours solid by a pub homunculus.
Your slideshow of the different turds you have produced over the past three weeks is slated in Time Out, even though you've only showed it to six people.
Tardigrades deem your digestive tract uninhabitable.
A carrot demeans you during a particularly unpleasant farmyard diversion.
You are refused entry to the Grimsby Community Recycling Centre by an attendant who hurriedly dons an N95 mask and taps the 'No Toxic Waste' sign.
A man from Exeter who buys magazines about war stands up in the local bar and announces proudly that he "does not recognise Obama as President of USA".
You attempt to engage the local newsagent in friendly chat but he just hisses at you and backs away, as do the frightened customers.
Hairy Margaret is pounding on the door again, though this time in the form of Chinless Eric.
A weekend in Rimini turns nasty with the introduction of a strong laxative and some seriously uncalled for bollockings.
you received multiple 'hot summer deals!' promotional emails from a company that deals mainly in dog stomach medicine
A Degrassi Junior High cast reunion ends in disaster when a meth addiction is revealed and another one confesses to 32 murders.
A news report describes you as "one of Britain's most terrifying balds"
A man who's 'eccentric' parents named him Genghis develops the habit of roaming in the Chilterns with a knapsack full of rotten sperm.
Your partner hassling you for sex while you try to perform CPR on your mum.
While pissing behind a hedge in Suffolk, you suffer the dreadful epiphany that your life's work, an exhaustive multi-volume biography of Ian McCaskill, has just been a desperate distraction.
Bob Carolgees is in your driveway and won't take no for an answer.
Quote from: Vodkafone on August 23, 2023, 10:57:17 PMYour partner hassling you for sex while you try to perform CPR on your mum.
Laughed.
You are denied entry to Shoe Zone for looking unshaggable.
Prince Andrew's missing perspiration is found to be inhabiting your scrotum.
Quote from: batwings on August 25, 2023, 03:36:29 PMBob Carolgees is in your driveway and won't take no for an answer.
I love you.
Ejected from Froggyland in Split for bad touching.
Quote from: Vodkafone on August 23, 2023, 10:57:17 PMYour partner hassling you for sex while you try to perform CPR on your mum.
✅
Lucy Letby's unpublished children's book sells for millions.
Crematorium manager smiles at the bass response on his new speaker system, tapping his toes to 'Old Before I Die' by Robbie Williams.
- One's cancerous throat pic is rejected by Amber Leaf as 'too graphic'.
- In a desperate bid to commit suicide, one jumps headfirst into an oncoming herd of ants.
"Is that you, Ronnie Corbett?"
Madam Mystery suddenly finds herself alone. Even the most gullible have sacked it off.
One tries to overdose on tic-tacs.
Michael Portillo farts loudly during a ramble around Thurso.
Quote from: shoulders on August 26, 2023, 01:20:39 PMCrematorium manager smiles at the bass response on his new speaker system, tapping his toes to 'Old Before I Die' by Robbie Williams.
Lovely stuff Shoulders
Evidence is found of the Loch Ness Cumdumpster.
Alaska melts in disgust.
Your dad was really into steam trains so you decide to go to his funeral dressed as Thomas the Tank Engine.
Quote from: Vodkafone on August 27, 2023, 11:13:11 PMYour dad was really into steam trains so
HE
Quotedecides to go to
YOUR
Quotefuneral dressed as Thomas the Tank Engine.
HERE LIES
AN EDDY OF OCHRE
IN AN OCEAN OF SEWAGE
LOL. You've hired a damaged butcher to come round and frighten your mother.
You 'stumbled' into an obscure subsection on Pornhub and now you're getting plagued with adverts for George Forman Grills.
A film crew making an epic about some terrible historical event crush twenty people on Wimbledon Common. A year later the director dedicates his Oscar to the "maimed, lost and disenfranchised we sadly harmed."
Quote from: Glebe on August 28, 2023, 05:19:18 PMA film crew making an epic about some terrible historical event crush twenty people on Wimbledon Common. A year later the director dedicates his Oscar to the "maimed, lost and disenfranchised we sadly harmed."
The Wombles watched the whole thing, roaring with laugher as people's bodies were squashed to liquid.
You make yourself a certificate for excellent wanking technique using Publisher and accidentally submit it with a job application instead of your CV.
Quote from: Scarlett Tangible on August 26, 2023, 04:20:18 PM- One's cancerous throat pic is rejected by Amber Leaf as 'too graphic'.
- In a desperate bid to commit suicide, one jumps headfirst into an oncoming herd of ants.
Amber leaf detail makes this perfect
Norville of Lancs. gains a kind of immortality by being so intolerably dull that death isn't arsed coming for him.
Reports suggest it's time to dig the hated Covid stockings out of the attic, so you impatiently bump your son out of the way.
To Land's End now, where a man named Colwyn Arbuthnot Spunkham is renowned for his unusual fetish; pressing his chin against large buttocks!
"Ooh, yeeees, chinny-chinny, chinny-chinny, cum-cum!"
'Sharting only happens to old people,' scoffs Allie, just before she relaxes with her new, popular friends in next door's Jacuzzi.
Quote from: batwings on August 28, 2023, 03:38:43 PMYou 'stumbled' into an obscure subsection on Pornhub and now you're getting plagued with adverts for George Forman Grills.
You 'stumbled' into an obscure subsection on Pornhub and now you're getting plagued with adverts for George Formby impersonators holding their tiny '
ucilailies uqalaylees ukuleles' in their hands*.
(*when i say holding, I mean wanking, by tiny I mean actually quite massive, ukuleles is their cocks obviously and when I say in their hands...)
You're paranoid about the local community thinking you're weird then your cock falls out at the village fete.
After you're sacked via email, your 7-foot tall son enters the room belting "I've just turned the oven off and now your quiche is freezing" to the tune of Good King Wenceslas
In a horrible irony, you are haunted by the ghost of Ray Parker Jr.
Learning what toxic shock means on a hospital bed after 42 successful minutes of using your vagina to store seeds and berries.
Wishing you'd had the aid of a mouse rather than a hamster when engaging in the above project.
The cognitive dissonance you experience after having Glinner do a random act of kindness for you.
Leered at by a gerontophile.
^ goodly concision.
After your at-work 'toilet time' has been monitored and deemed to be excessive, you are burnt alive.
Quote from: shoulders on August 31, 2023, 02:04:09 PMAfter your at-work 'toilet time' has been monitored and deemed to be excessive, you are burnt alive.
Wasn't expecting the end bit and laughed - on the toilet at work, fittingly enough.
Tortured by the thought that a rival nonce has been utilising venture capital paedo tech, you quit your job as presenter of the Gadget Show.
It's The Best of One Man and His Dog on Betamax for Clive, on Derbyshire's cloudiest day on record!
Quote from: Glebe on August 31, 2023, 05:13:38 PMIt's The Best of One Man and His Dog on Betamax for Clive, on Derbyshire's cloudiest day on record!
His idea of a jolly jape is getting down on all fours, going woof and impersonating your* long dead dog who used to look for the sheep round the back off the telly every time they vanished off the screen.
*my
A knock on the door from tesco woosh with your* emergency supply of pms chocolate
interrupts Tight Fit wimowehing away on an oldies station on your* phone.
(*my)
(this genuinely just happened
My life turning into a rubbish sitcom is intensifying, the other day I was having to chase a moth around the laundry basket - it was trying to hide in the smelly socks, then it flew out and landed right on my ankle, pos trying to lay eggs in in my socks while I'm still wearing them. fml
The real desolation is the friends we fail to make along the way having something vaguely odd/funny/tragic happen to you* and instantly finding it funny cos that'll make a great post for desolations.
(*me)
Crikey!
You tap the sideboard an incorrect number of times and spend the afternoon worrying if the sky will fall on Bromley.
your neighbour's got their BUF uniforms on the washing line again, even one for the baby
Your paedophile goes fully alt-right, declares his sovereignty and kicks you in the bollocks
Reginald of Suffolk engages you in a conversation about Formica on a charabanc to Padstow.
It's Transfer Deadline Day and we've got expert analysis from:
* a wet crisp-bag full of dying wasps
* Paul Merson's armpit skin-tag
* a jam jar of retired-manager farts
* a spunk-drowned woodlouse in a raggedy old rubber johnny
* Rose West via Zoom
* Tristan from the PopOneInTheOnionBag Podcast
Wearing a yarmulke but due to your tiny head you're barracked by the neighbourhood for what they perceive as your offensive Chinese stereotype.
Mohamed Al-Fayed kills you in a Flawless Victory on Mortal Kombat.
A father shouts at his two year old toddler "Stop being a moaning cunt!"
Craig of Antrim is discombobulating a squirrel.
A Liebig condenser accepts the blame for the Great Replacement Theory.
Changing the inscription on the Cenotaph from Our Glorious Dead to Les Tosseurs.
Audio exists of you haggling with a man who rents dogs anuses.
Ordering a chariot of cheese but when it emerges it is clearly a parapurabhiyanika.
You come third in the annual Bare Bottomed Wetherspoons Carpet Rub challenge. Was a lifetime ban from your local Spoons worth it? Yes.
Your already suicidal mate loses straight sets in tennis to a baboon. 6-2, 6-2, 7-5.
A weekend in Dungeness is accompanied by rain, hail, thunder, lightening, mist and an indescribable smell that I can only approximate as 'burning shit and putrid cat piss'.
Quote from: Fambo Number Mive on September 03, 2023, 03:39:54 PMYou come third in the annual Bare Bottomed Wetherspoons Carpet Rub challenge. Was a lifetime ban from your local Spoons worth it? Yes.
Powerful
Your bucket list expires.
Banned from the Reliant owners club for actions that might negatively affect the club's image.
Quote from: clingfilm portent on September 03, 2023, 04:17:27 PMYour already suicidal mate loses straight sets in tennis to a baboon. 6-2, 6-2, 7-5.
Baboon did well to qualify for a major.
Arrested on suspicion of 'grotesque visage'
An entire episode of Question Time is devoted to criticism of your sexual performance.
You can't retrive the breadstick from your anus, and it's time for the big speech.
You spend 24 hours in bed with the curtains closed going down a disturbing internet rabbit hole, during which time you consume four boxes of jaffa cakes and a 2ltr of Irn-Bru. Some parent!
The drumming from Truly Madly Deeply keeps playing in the back of your head. Sometimes the drums are quieter but they are always there, and always will be.
A man from Truro gets a bream stuck in his rectum.
Quote from: Glebe on September 04, 2023, 07:20:04 PMA man from Truro gets a bream stuck in his rectum.
"I suppose he gets to join the big brown trout in there, eh?" The man from Truros' proctologist enquires.
Quote from: dex on September 04, 2023, 07:24:00 PM"I suppose he gets to join the big brown trout in there, eh?" The man from Truros' proctologist enquires.
"It's no laughing matter! They've found a pike up there an' all! Ooh me arsehole!"
Paying for Gary Glitter to perform All of You to your sexy son.
So degrading, having to suck off drunken old men down an alley in Soho after you are sacked from the sewage works for asking for your first pay rise in twenty years.
There's moths in the bedroom & rats in the walls
also hordes of moths in the kitchen under the sink cupboards, still refusing to be entirely dead after the poisoning of the whole community of moths discovered nesting in rat fur next to a pile of rat bones in that weird not quite floor cavity under the cupboards/whatever you call that worktop thing in the kitchen with the sink built in.
(More real life deso updates)
Quote from: jenna appleseed on September 05, 2023, 01:49:00 AMThere's moths in the bedroom & rats in the walls
also hordes of moths in the kitchen under the sink cupboards
Silence of the Lambs script excerpt.
Quote from: jenna appleseed on September 05, 2023, 01:49:00 AMThere's moths in the bedroom & rats in the walls
also hordes of moths in the kitchen under the sink cupboards, still refusing to be entirely dead after the poisoning of the whole community of moths discovered nesting in rat fur next to a pile of rat bones in that weird not quite floor cavity under the cupboards/whatever you call that worktop thing in the kitchen with the sink built in.
(More real life deso updates)
Alright Walter Gilman
A non-native speaker gives up halfway through listing today's special deals from the buffet on a transpennine between Chester-le-Street and Durham.
"Half bottle of mer.. merlot... 16 pounds" (pretty sure its what he said)
You have your doubts about Corporal Philiac
Quote from: jenna appleseed on September 05, 2023, 01:49:00 AMThere's moths in the bedroom & rats in the walls
Lennon considers 'Nobody Told Me' rewrite.
Actually Jenna, 'real life deso' - I hope you don't really have rats in the walls, do you?
You abandon Merthyr Tydfil before Merthyr Tydfil abandons you.
Quote from: Vodkafone on September 05, 2023, 03:28:50 PMYou abandon Merthyr Tydfil before Merthyr Tydfil abandons you.
Coincidentally, me now
(https://i.ibb.co/Zf77CHd/IMG-1317.png) (https://ibb.co/nwttS3r)
Quote from: jenna appleseed on September 05, 2023, 01:49:00 AMThere's moths in the bedroom & rats in the walls
also hordes of moths in the kitchen under the sink cupboards, still refusing to be entirely dead after the poisoning of the whole community of moths discovered nesting in rat fur next to a pile of rat bones in that weird not quite floor cavity under the cupboards/whatever you call that worktop thing in the kitchen with the sink built in.
UB40 consider rewrite (okay that's enough).
Quote from: BlodwynPig on September 05, 2023, 03:46:50 PMCoincidentally, me now
(https://i.ibb.co/Zf77CHd/IMG-1317.png) (https://ibb.co/nwttS3r)
At least you're heading away
Craig of Clydesdale has at last completed his Panini 1986 World Cup album after finding the missing Chris Waddle in a packet of stickers in a charity shop in Mongolia.
Quote from: Glebe on September 05, 2023, 04:08:06 PMCraig of Clydesdale has at last completed his Panini 1986 World Cup album after finding the missing Chris Waddle in a packet of stickers in a charity shop in Mongolia.
Euphoria, surely?
Quote from: Vodkafone on September 05, 2023, 04:32:35 PMEuphoria, surely?
Fleetingly, but then Craig thinks of all the things he's missed out on... wife, kids... friends.
Quote from: Cerys on September 03, 2023, 09:55:10 PMYour bucket list expires.
It is replaced by your cum bucket list.
Quote from: Vodkafone on September 05, 2023, 04:34:38 PMIt is replaced by your cum bucket list.
Replaced by your shit bucket list.
Quote from: Glebe on September 05, 2023, 04:37:27 PMReplaced by your shit bucket list.
Bucket #1: Rod Liddle
Quote from: Glebe on September 05, 2023, 02:34:05 PMLennon considers 'Nobody Told Me' rewrite.
Actually Jenna, 'real life deso' - I hope you don't really have rats in the walls, do you?
well, something's genuinely been making noises in the walls, eaten the pest control's bait block & left droppings in the sewer pipes and under the sink cupboard. (Maybe it's a ghost).
The moths are real, I've seen them. Left horrible cocoons all over my favourite jumper.
Quote from: jenna appleseed on September 05, 2023, 04:45:20 PMwell, something's genuinely been making noises in the walls, eaten the pest control's bait block & left droppings in the sewer pipes and under the sink cupboard. (Maybe it's a ghost).
The moths are real, I've seen them. Left horrible cocoons all over my favourite jumper.
Sorry to hear it, hope you can get that sorted.
Quote from: Vodkafone on September 05, 2023, 04:40:19 PMBucket #1: Rod Liddle
Bucket #2: Eamonn Holmes.
Quote from: Glebe on September 05, 2023, 02:34:05 PMQuote from: jenna appleseed on Today at 01:49:00 AM
There's moths in the bedroom & rats in the walls
Lennon considers 'Nobody Told Me' rewrite.
Well it's better than actual nazis'.
(Imagine having a whole load of nazis all crowding in your tiny bathroom wanting
to use the loo - they'd never let you in.)
I used to think he said 'matches'.
You spend the afternoon wandering around Billingsgate with a dose of the trots.
Someone has been chanting "AIDS 'til Thursday! AIDS 'til Thursday!" round the back of the estate. You have no idea what it means but it proves deeply unsettling, here in Colchester's worst avenue.
Quote from: Glebe on September 06, 2023, 06:06:29 PMSomeone has been chanting "AIDS 'til Thursday! AIDS 'til Thursday!" round the back of the estate. You have no idea what it means but it proves deeply unsettling, here in Colchester's worst avenue.
Bulwer-Lytton Awards Winner, 2023.
Quote from: Cerys on September 07, 2023, 08:37:25 AMBulwer-Lytton Awards Winner, 2023.
Shouting "AIDS 'til Thursday!" while collecting the award!
Singled out and followed home from a Bergerac convention by a tenacious noose salesman.
Quote from: batwings on September 08, 2023, 02:40:59 PMSingled out and followed home from a Bergerac convention by a tenacious noose salesman.
V good.
Nigel Lythgoe in a Hooters shouting 'DON'T YOU KNOW WHO I AM?!"
"They're not laughing at you." Mother assures you. "They're laughing about you."
Wanking in the newsagents. "I want them to arrest me!"
You apply to Royal Mail to name your house Dunfrottin
Watching S4C all day voluntarily.
Voted most likely to marry a greggs vending machine
Quote from: PlanktonSideburns on September 08, 2023, 10:34:21 PMVoted most likely to marry a greggs vending machine
Ha! Just the idea of a Greggs vending machine would have been enough.
DAN SNOW WILL KILL AGAIN.
A special visit to your school from 'the Kashmiri X-Pac'.
Roger Dumppants discusses the finer points of magnesium with himself in his Moss Side masionette while his wife is out rogering a local tinker.
Your first dance at your wedding is to a Ladbaby song.
The only post you ever get is a succession of disapproving letters from your television set.
Donning your homemade Mick Hucknell mask and masturabating in front of the mirror.
Feeling under the weather after being sacked here in a Bromley swamp.
Your wife Monkey Magic votes for the fascists at the election.
A disappointed bint resorts to repeatedly belting the fridge with a frying pan as an alternative when the forecast thunderstorm fails to appear.
"Looks like rain," you muse as your wife stands over the bloody corpse of the family dog. Always gloomy here in Bicester!"
"If you do gain a place on this course, and assuming you qualify, which branch of medicine do you see yourself ultimately practising in?"
"Tits"
Some time later:
You receive a text message from the NHS stating that your recent mammogram found you have "quality norks"
Spilling your nonce of beer all over a child's head.
Gloucester is the place to be if you want to see local man Keith get his langer one on the common!
Quote from: Shaxberd on September 13, 2023, 07:22:04 PMSome time later:
You receive a text message from the NHS stating that your recent mammogram found you have "quality norks"
The next day, you are informed by a local sleaze that your arse is a 'type 4'. No word on whether that's meant to be good or not.
A Dougie Donnelly fanatic is arrested for fouling the pavement outside Partick's least popular whorehouse.
It is Dougie Donnelly himself.
'If you don't like yourself no-one else will'
Good advice from the Dougster, although you do notice from your sideeye that he is eating one of his turds like a Snickers.
Hazel Irvine is standing nearby. She is looking away and in tears.
Walked through career mode on Fifa by Dogdon, who later has to explain to you how to access the food in a Callipo.
Due to a printing error, half of the novel you have just purchased is just photos of people's leg pits.
Trading in your son after a 20 minute long consideration for a Maxibon.
A Marcel Marceau tribute act makes an embarrassment of himself during an Our Brave Boys event in Exeter.
Admonishing mother for being an appalling sissy
A lover of thunderstorms becomes deaf and blind the day before the most impressive storm of the year.
A terrified heron punctures Bill Oddie's femoral artery with its slightly substandard beak.
Nickelback unrequitedly arrive to perform 'How You Remind Me' so that you won't abort your accident, but the foetus is so appalled at their performance you miscarry anyway.
Bill of Chelmsford can only achieve orgasm by rubbing against parking meters.
Your Mario Kart lobby votes to play Paedo Beach again.
Analgasming off the milked dry C batteries in your home made dog Wales 4000.
GB News ratings soar when Neil Oliver appears sporting a brand new pair of trousers.
"Very smart," noted Ken from Dunfermline, while Edinburgh's James states "What a fantastic set of trews".
The corpse of Margaret Thatcher turns over, farts, and settles down for another forty winks. Not time yet.
Informing grieving parents that expressing condolences for the death of their son has been added to your Q3 action points.
Atop a rocking chair in his wank cellar awaits Rod Liddle's piles cushion; shaped like a donut and saturated with fecal blow-through.
A dead mouse at the bottom of a vase stinks up the bungalow of a Bedfordshire flasher.
A Bill Oddie completist wanders into the path of a combine harvester.
Quote from: batwings on September 18, 2023, 03:03:46 PMAtop a rocking chair in his wank cellar awaits Rod Liddle's piles cushion; shaped like a donut and saturated with fecal blow-through.
Superb
Some great ones here
The in-store Muzak cuts out to allow a Friends Of The Earth announcement declaring your bumhole to be an environmental disaster area as you try on a pair of off-beige Chinos in a rundown branch of Next.
A Manchester band is banished from the city after they express some minor doubts about their ability.
The face of Andrew Tate appearing in a field of turnips, spurs a Moldovan priest to canonise the disgraced rapist
Brenda is already on the phone to the Vatican to report a miraculous vision of Jesus Christ at her upstairs window when she starts to wonder whether it might just be that long haired window cleaner. To be on the safe side, she gets her tits out anyway.
Nigel Farage performs a citizen's arrest on what he assumes is a vagrant but is actually his gardener.
Jake Humphreys has posted a photo of you with him on a train
You spend three hours doing a 'funny' Michael Nesmith 'impersonation' into a tape recorder in the shed.
Quote from: Glebe on September 20, 2023, 10:10:53 PMYou spend three hours doing a 'funny' Michael Nesmith 'impersonation' 'into' a 'tape recorder' in the 'shed'.
Jervis of Runcorn sells his NHS specs to pay for a congealed load of sweetcorn for "Uncle Possum".
Gianni Infantino tells you that "Today, I feel handsy"
If it's mashed turnip you're after you can't got far wrong with Farmer Piggott's prize 'Bulboids', fresh from his farm in Shitfields, Exeter!
DISCLAIMER: Farmer Piggott's produce does not meet British food safety standards and the man himself has had previous convictions for 'unwarranted behaviour'.
An Andrew Tate superfan and a Russel Brand apologist have a cunt-off while queuing for a dog fight in a disused grain silo.
Your nephew has got a picture of an XL Bully tattooed on his face, and a picture of his face tattooed on his XL Bully.
An XL Bully idly savages your gran to death while it waits for an uber
True life deso today.
Boss asked how am I. I reply that I'm fed up and not happy. His response: "You'll just have to find a way."
'Here's my notice. I found a way"
Quote from: dex on September 21, 2023, 06:44:50 PMTrue life deso today.
Boss asked how am I. I reply that I'm fed up and not happy. His response: "You'll just have to find a way."
Quote from: shoulders on September 21, 2023, 09:04:28 PM'Here's my notice. I found a way"
Nice :)
An inability to shit results in irreparable damage to Grandma's precious long-handled silver spoon.
Your spirit animal is a trans Forrest Gump bellowing MAH FALLOPIAN TOOBS GONE HURTY
You have bed bugs but are convinced your pubic lice will come to your aid militarily.
You spend the afternoon cutting your pubic hair into a poor likeness of Del Boy.
Del Boy spends two minutes cutting his pubic hair into an accurate likeness of you.
Seeking comfort in Desolation threads, you come to a jarring realisation that they don't give a fuck about you.
Neither do the True Crime docs, the melancholic music you cry yourself to sleep with, the desolate loner in the pub.
This sends you into a spiral of positivity and lifestyle changes... a new outfit, a haircut, applications for jobs worth doing, joining a friends group, even a date.
You are hit by a Sunshine Club bus outside Bingley and never regain consciousness.
Trashed on Kestrel Super Strength in an industrial estate near to Beverley at 4am, you decide to reassess your direction life. But you can't because a man with a club foot is busy rupturing your spleen.
Guy Ritchie wants to make a film based on your life. It'll be called Fat Ignorant Cockney Twat.
Malcolm of North Shields has a fascination with tying barbed wire around his cock.
Callum of South Shields has a fascination with tying his cock around barbed wire.
Barb of South Sheilds has a fascination with smearing allum around his cock
Your anus goes on holiday but hasn't designated a stand-in.
IRL deso from a someone who is at the Screwfix Live trade show:
QuoteThere's birds here with tight fitting site wear drilling into planks of wood with old boys just gawping at them. Surreal.
According to Screwfix, which also describes the event as "...three days of exclusive deals, trade talks, and family fun"
QuoteFootball legend John Barnes, TV presenter and Olympic champion Samantha Quek, and comedian Iain Stirling will be attending the event respectively on Friday, Saturday and Sunday to meet and greet fans and visitors
Never heard of Iain Stirling before.
Walking through town ticking off the pubs pub you haven't yet been raped in.
Quote from: Fambo Number Mive on September 24, 2023, 02:53:11 PMAccording to Screwfix, which also describes the event as "...three days of exclusive deals, trade talks, and family fun"
Never heard of Iain Stirling before.
Last minute fill-in for Cliff Thorburn.
Quote from: Fambo Number Mive on September 24, 2023, 02:53:11 PMNever heard of Iain Stirling before.
Mostly does really weird sounding voiceover work for itv2
Quote from: Fambo Number Mive on September 24, 2023, 02:53:11 PMNever heard of Iain Stirling before.
Did a load of CBBC stuff -
All Over The Place and
The Dog Ate My Homework to name but two.
A canary deliberately dies from asphyxiation in its cage, just to put the willies up the family.
Your symposium on how to get revenge on gnats is mothballed. Your following symposium on how to get revenge on moths is looking more promising, however.
Quote from: dex on September 21, 2023, 06:44:50 PMTrue life deso today.
Boss asked how am I. I reply that I'm fed up and not happy. His response: "You'll just have to find a way."
(https://i.imgur.com/dn7T3vY.gif)
Seriously tho fuck your boss Dex!
In a worrying development, you now exclusively dream of James Cordon messily eating hotpots while looking you dead in the eye.
Jim Davidson, but in gravy form.
Obsessed with capturing souvenirs from your Grindr dates, you blackmail your arthritic mother onto her knees so she can inflate tiny balloons up your urethra that eventually distend your penis into 'Jupiter's Shit Syringe'.
An official NHS directive is handed down that all references to morbid obesity are to be replaced by the words 'Hekkin chonk'
Hacking into the stereo system of the local crematorium and playing THAT SONG by Peter Wyngarde as the curtains close on your dead child's coffin just to win a bet with your Dad.
Lulu is your proctologist. And yes, as a matter of fact she sings her own THAT SONG throughout each and every rectal examination. Just for you.
Peter Sutcliffe sings THAT SONG on Stars in Their Eyes.
Your Pokemon BBQ is abandoned due to a fingering
The new(ish) bloke at work who keeps phoning you for help is actually paid more than you. (Could be another real life deso post as much as I suspect it, I can't back this up.)
Ahhhh deso!
Even mum calls you Dungball
Your spreadsheet rating mum's body parts is lost to a power surge.
Dressing like Adolf Hitler every day with the purpose of staving off abuse you've been receiving on the street.
you wake up with Jimmy Carr's laugh
Robert Frost calls the sun a retard.
Followed around by Ricky Gervais, chuckling away at you and mumbling about prime material for a new series.
Dane Bowers and Rylan Clark fighting over a kebab, Tower Hamlets, 2AM, 2015.
Found face down in a parmo.
Daughter's Owl pellet at school nature table is your coughed up gobbet of father-in-law's arse hair and your congealed spunk.
Finding your wife masturbating to fatal Florida golf cart accident videos.
Excommunicated from the nudist camp due to complaints of the mournful wailing sound of the prevailing wind glancing of your anus
Quote from: madhair60 on October 01, 2023, 10:04:02 PMFound face down in a parmo.
Worse still, when you lift it up the grease has spoiled the last remaining printed image of your mother naked.
Your attempt to Facebook friend Duncan Goodhew results in him messaging you 'fuck off twat' and blocking you forever.
"Tastes even worse than I could have possibly imagined!" shrills a deflated loser as he is force-fed burnt hair drenched in horse diarrhea.
James May smiles wanly at the underpaid waiter serving him his tepid brisket here in Penzance's least-popular bistro.
You smile to yourself as you jaunt into the private clearing where you will rub your glans against a selection of Pez dispensers for four and a half hours straight.
The malevolent spirit of Sadako emerges from your television, takes one look around your godforsaken living space and clambers right back into the telly.
The ice cream van chimes drown your screams
At the Tory party conference, plans are announced to project a picture of your face onto the cliffs of Dover to deter migrants.
Your mother's gynaecologist (you) describes her general vaginal situation as 'step free access '.
Quote from: shoulders on October 03, 2023, 09:05:04 PMYour mother's gynaecologist (you) describes her general vaginal situation as 'step free access '.
Laughed
Planet of the Apes cosplay goes awry at Stanstead Airport resulting in two dead and several 'groped'.
Quote from: Glebe on October 03, 2023, 09:46:10 PMPlanet of the Apes cosplay goes awry at Stanstead Airport resulting in two dead and several 'groped'.
Legend Garrilla strike again
Quote from: jenna appleseed on October 03, 2023, 09:50:35 PMLegend Garrilla strike again
(https://i.imgur.com/LeyULGm.gif)
Toby Anstis does it again - but this time without reading the manual. Fourteen hospitalised, five with life-altering injuries.
Knocked unconscious by not one, not two, but three of your dogs erect penises.
Your anime figurines, no longer recognisable due to the sheer volume of encrusted cum you've soaked them in, are legally designated your "human children".
Barred from the oncology ward for mooning a cancer child.
You forget a bunch of bolts for the ferris wheel due to daydreaming about all the other accidents you've caused.
Uncle Horace, an on-call oncologist, is also a holocaust apologist.
Your baguette escapes from its carrier bag and fatally chokes a nearby octogenarian.
Elvis shaped ringworm on a micropenis
Or even John Holmes shaped ringworm on a micro penis
Nathan Jones smashes your snooker table while looking you dead in the eye.
The Man Who Keeps His Promises informs you he is going to bum your whole family.
Waddling into A&E with your dick caught in a zippy's mouth.
Quote from: batwings on October 05, 2023, 09:00:14 PMWaddling into A&E with your dick caught in a zippy's mouth.
The bloke in the triage queue is dressed up as Bungle and is on an E comedown.
Despite your efforts to assemble a team of thugs and strongmen from, as you put it, "Micks and Paddies from Monaghan" every single one of them ends up being Taiwanese.
Quote from: Kankurette on October 06, 2023, 01:17:36 AMThe bloke in the triage queue is dressed up as Bungle and is on an E comedown.
Very good
You reincarnate as a giant damson with stick-on eyes!
Going to an engravers to strike through two of the three children's names off your wife's specially made necklace pendant.
You finally open the door upon the frenzied hammering of the bailiff.
He looks you up and down, tears welling in his eyes and hands you a tenner.
A BBC executive invites you over for some light entertainment
You spend the weekend punishing your Lego men by inserting them into your anus.
Shirtless and gripping a calf hammer, a Bruton abattoir worker poses in front of his hall mirror, dreaming of one day making it into the Slaughtermen of the South West calendar.
You join Kula Shaker on bass
"If it's not in the Daily Mail I don't believe it" says Tim, 55 from Runcorn as he goes upstairs for another sad poo.
Sanctioned by the DWP for refusing work as a donkey show fluffer.
Glasgow's most depraved man revels in his title.
An extra week is added to Bake Off where the bakers have to use the excrement of various exotic animals in their showstoppers.
It's Salo week here on Bake Off, and the challenge is exactly what you think it it, if anything it's worse
Your only work colleague forgets Secret Santa.
Page 99 folks, time to suggest titles for thread number 8.
I'm weighing in with:
Desol8 - Desopotamia
Your acting career peaked when asking quizzically about what is a Minimart.
Raising millions of pounds for a disease cure centre that had the absolute top of the line scientists and cutting edge materials for research and declaring your first series of development is a cure for "bein fukin gay"
Eighth [D]eso thr[ead soon].
Can I kick it?
Yes you can. Use the same bucket as your sons all did.
Careers advice: get scrotal
Out for a lonesome walk, all of a sudden cars screetch off in all directions, sirens and klaxons blaring and you are forced to clear up all the mess left by the UK biggest dogging group by your local constabulary whilst they sneer at you.
You are sacked from your position of bass player for Kula Shaker
Your judge looks over at the jury and makes the wanker sighn every time you speak. A few of them are stifling laughter
Quote from: Vodkafone on October 09, 2023, 06:11:31 PMPage 99 folks, time to suggest titles for thread number 8.
I'm weighing in with:
Desol8 - Desopotamia
I heartily support this suggestion.
Des∞: Don't Forget, You're Here Forever
Angela floods her basement, hoping against hope that the infestation of rats will form a synchronised swimming troupe quickly enough to help her cover next week's extortionate rent payment.
Your internet bought knock-off Viagra finally kicks in during a reading of Lolita at your book club.
Desolation: The Fateful Eight.
Quote from: ollyboro on October 10, 2023, 10:40:12 PMYour internet bought knock-off Viagra finally kicks in during a reading of Lolita at your book club.
Heh!
Desol8ion: El sueño de la razón
There's an absolutely rotten stink at lunchtime here in Bromley's most decrepit Ladbrokes.
Quote from: Glebe on October 11, 2023, 12:00:27 PMThere's an absolutely rotten stink at lunchtime here in Bromley's most decrepit Ladbrokes.
And you're not sorry. In fact you mean to continue.
Meanwhile, somebody let's off an absolutely rank guff at a boring wine and cheese party in Harrogate. The situation is not helped by Coldplay droning on mindlessly from Alexa in the background.
Glebe's arse and intestinal system is connectively granted the gift of teleportation, and is consistently mis-used. Or, used.
Quote from: Fishfinger on October 11, 2023, 01:00:08 PMGlebe's arse and intestinal system is connectively granted the gift of teleportation, and is consistently mis-used. Or, used.
That's
The World's Rudest Bum by David Walliams, on BBC One this Christmas.
You attempt to take soundings from surveyors on your plan for a new leisure centre in Sale, but all they do is jam pipe cleaners up and down your urethra.
desolation 8: amelioration begats exacerbation
Another year running you are voted Best at iality.
Best of The Corrs playing on repeat at the chemo clinic, just like last time. In two minds now about coming back.
Quote from: Fishfinger on October 11, 2023, 01:00:08 PMGlebe's arse and intestinal system is connectively granted the gift of teleportation, and is consistently mis-used. Or, used.
I know the feeling!
"I JUST COULDN'T HELP M'SELF!" you scream as your entire extended family interrupts you masturbating naked on the kitchen floor.
Quote from: shoulders on October 11, 2023, 04:43:09 PMAnother year running you are voted Best at iality.
laughed
I don't get it
Quote from: Fishfinger on October 10, 2023, 01:44:38 PMEighth [D]eso thr[ead soon].
Desolation: Porvis of eight
Come on
DESOL8 ITS DESOL8 SURELY
@BlodwynPig you came up with the deso concept, way back in September 2014. What say you?
Desolation: A New Hope
Viewing the live ultrasound of your mutually masturbating twin foetuses then having a wank yourself.
The owner of your HMO issues you with a toilet restraining order.
Finding out your hot new bird is a dog with two Beadle claws, excellent, bonus. Great value at the shop.
The induction ceremony at your local show jumping school results in you having to ride sidesaddle at the following day's gymkhana
You fail to snort your dropped ketamine out of a seagrass carpet.
Nigel Mansell pushes you in a newsagent for no good reason.
You are selected to be Robert Kitson's rent boy and he's not a happy man at the moment.
The organising committee of the Cirencester Cowpat Crufts gives you an ultimatum: Stop submitting your own ordure or you're banned.
Quote from: Glebe on October 15, 2023, 11:28:15 AMNigel Mansell pushes you in a newsagent for no good reason.
You fly off into the boozy Isle, and burst into flames
Quote from: pancreas on October 15, 2023, 04:45:05 PMThe organising committee of the Cirencester Cowpat Crufts gives you an ultimatum: Stop submitting your own ordure or you're banned.
You decide to enjoy the time you have
You lose your place in the porn mag and ejaculate whilst looking at an advert for Coca Cola.
Forgetting to clean your poonis after a long night of anal then drawing a line of shit up your boxers with your morning hardon.
Your annual appraisal is leaked online and reveals that your immediate line manager finds you "as welcome on the department as a cum filled doughnut".
During your nightly chat with your public lice, you realise they are your best friends.
Your private lice talk about you behind your ballsack
Quote from: PlanktonSideburns on October 15, 2023, 06:48:13 PMYou fly off into the boozy Isle, and burst into flames
That's next year's holiday destination sorted
The vile reign of the Longstanton anus-stapler comes to an end.
Because it is you (and you have been arrested).
Your Real Doll's brother kicks your head in.
Quote from: Dannyhood91 on October 10, 2023, 01:19:19 PMRaising millions of pounds for a disease cure centre that had the absolute top of the line scientists and cutting edge materials for research and declaring your first series of development is a cure for "bein fukin gay"
I laughed
Quote from: pancreas on October 05, 2023, 10:46:20 AMYou forget a bunch of bolts for the ferris wheel due to daydreaming about all the other accidents you've caused.
✅
You get to choose three men to 'score a goal to save your life' and they are Simon Pegg, Keir Starmer and a thalidomide who thalidodied in 1988.